Major Principles Versus Minor Variations

Around 2500 years ago, during the Spring and Autumn period of China's history, Duke Jing was the ruler of the State of Qi, and Yanzi was one of his trusted ministers.

Yanzi was known to be extremely wise and a master of propriety, etiquette, and rituals. One time, Yanzi went to the State of Lu (the state where Confucius lived) on a diplomatic mission, and Confucius instructed his students to go observe and learn from Yanzi.

After Yanzi's meeting with the Duke of Lu finished, one of Confucius's students, Zi Gong returned. He asked Confucius, "How can anyone say Yanzi is a master of propriety? The ancient rituals state, 'When ascending steps, do not skip steps. When in the main hall, do not walk with hurried paces. When receiving a jade artifact, do not kneel.' Today, everything Yanzi did was completely opposite to this."

(Pause: If you were Confucius, how would you respond?)

Confucius replied, "I have a meeting with Yanzi later. I will ask him then."

After finishing his official business with the Duke of Lu, Yanzi went to meet with Confucius. During their meeting, Confucius asked, "The ancient rituals state, 'When ascending steps, do not skip steps. When in the main hall, do not walk with hurried paces. When receiving a jade artifact, do not kneel.' I heard that what you did today was contrary to this?"

(Pause: If you were Yanzi, how would you respond?)

Yanzi replied, "I have heard that between the two main pillars of the hall, the ruler and the minister each have their fixed positions. When the ruler takes one step, the minister takes two steps. Because the Duke of Lu ascended the steps very rapidly, I was worried that I wouldn't make it in time. That is why I skipped steps to ascend and hurried through the court hall—simply so I could get into position on time. Furthermore, because the Duke held the jade artifact too low when presenting it to me, I had no choice but to kneel down in order to properly accept it. Besides, I have also heard that in life and work, as long as one can grasp the major principles, it does not matter if there are minor variations in the small details."

Afterwards, Yanzi paid his respects and took his leave, and Confucius saw him off with the etiquette reserved for an honored guest. Upon returning, Confucius said to his students: "The value of propriety lies in adapting to the timing and circumstances. Faced with such unconventional situations like these, only Yanzi could act with such perfect measure and degree!"

Image Source: GPT

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Commentary

This story has many learnings from many perspectives:

1. Zi Gong's perspective on propriety

2. Yanzi's attitude towards the Duke of Lu

3. Confucius's attitude towards Yanzi

1: Zi Gong's perspective on propriety

Zi Gong felt that Yanzi violated the ancient rituals. That's because his interpretation of the rituals ended at the matter and not at the underlying principle and reasoning.

The rituals state, "When ascending steps, do not skip steps. When in the main hall, do not walk with hurried paces. When receiving a jade artifact, do not kneel."

These are matters. But all matters have exceptions, and in order to judge when to make exceptions, we have to understand the reasoning behind the matters.

Why should we not skip steps when ascending stairs? Because skipping steps reflects a rushed, agitated state of mind, and it is not dignified. When an ambassador meets with a ruler, both sides should have a very respectful, calm, and dignified manner.

Why should we not walk in a hurried manner in the main hall? Same reason as before.

Why should we not kneel when receiving a jade artifact? A jade artifact is very precious and expensive, so we want to be in a position of good balance when receiving it. We want to prevent accidently dropping it. Is our balance better when standing or when kneeling? Of course when standing.

Why did Yanzi rush up the stairs and through the main hall? Because the Duke of Lu rushed, and in order to show his respect to the Duke, he has to arrive in his position on time, or else the Duke might think Yanzi is impolite. We have to remember that Yanzi represents his entire state (the State of Qi). Thus, it's very important that he does not upset the Duke of Lu.

Zi Gong only focused on the matters of ritual, and he neglected that the goal of these rituals is to create harmony and mutual respect between the ruler and the guest. Yanzi focused on the goal of ritual, so he exercised proper judgment in adjusting the matters.

On a related note, some people break the rules for their own convenience and make the excuse that there's no need to be such a stickler to rules. This attitude is not one of respect and should not be allowed.

2: Yanzi's attitude towards the Duke of Lu

One of the most admirable qualities of Yanzi is that he does not demand others to be right. Instead, he adjusts himself to others. So many of our relationship conflicts arise because we demand others to be different rather than being willing to adjust ourselves to others.

For whatever reason, the Duke of Lu didn't know or didn't abide by the ancient rituals. Yanzi didn't get annoyed at the Duke. He didn't insist on following the rituals and then later criticize the Duke for breaking the rituals. He was willing to adapt himself and "break" the rituals with the Duke. In this way, harmony and mutual respect was achieved.

Making such adaptations requires wisdom and proper judgment. In this case, the Duke is in a higher position, and the setting is in the Duke's court. According to other rules of propriety, those in lower positions should yield to those in higher positions, and guests should follow the rules of the host. Therefore, even if the Duke rushes up the stairs and halls, the Duke is still "right", and Yanzi ought to follow. But if the Duke of Lu visited the Duke of Qi in the State of Qi, then the Duke of Lu should follow the rules and example set by the Duke of Qi.

Relating back to ourselves, if we want to have harmony and mutual respect with others, then we need to harmonize ourselves with them first, not demand them to listen to us. We need to respect them first, not demand them to respect us first. If we treat others with the same attitude that Yanzi treated the Duke of Lu, we'd naturally have harmony.

If we view others as below us, then we might be controlling and demanding, resulting in others opposing us. If we view others as the same level as us, we might debate and argue with them, and others will still oppose us. But if we are truly humble, we'll view others as above us, and we'll adapt ourselves to them. Then we'll have harmony. That's the attitude Yanzi had towards the Duke.

3: Confucius's attitude towards Yanzi

When Zi Gong reported that Yanzi seemed to have violated the ancient rituals, Confucius didn't jump to conclusions. He told Zi Gong that he would check with Yanzi first.

This may seem like an obvious thing to do, but people often don't do it. How often do people just jump to conclusions? Have you ever been falsely accused? Have you ever wrongly accused others? Being confident that we are right is a common problem. To guard against this vice, we need to cultivate humility and carefulness.

Given that Confucius told his students to learn from Yanzi, it's clear that Confucius respects and approves of Yanzi. When Zi Gong doubted Yanzi's sense of propriety, he shouldn't assume he's right. He could assume that there's something he's not understanding. If he had that kind of attitude, he might have stayed behind to ask Yanzi personally why Yanzi did what he did.

Perhaps it was inconvenient for him to personally ask Yanzi, so Zi Gong went back to Confucius first. But from the way he asked Confucius, it seemed like Zi Gong believed Yanzi was wrong. If he were more humble, he might've phrased his question differently: "Today I saw Yanzi do this and that. I remember the ancient rituals said this and that. Is it just me, or did Yanzi seem to violate the ancient rituals? Could you explain to me, master?"

Similarly, when we think others did something wrong, if we firmly believe our perspective is true even though we didn't check with them, then we might create conflict and resentment. If we want to maintain harmony and mutual respect, then we should use a humble attitude and check if they have their reasons for doing what they did (most likely they do!). When we give them respect and understanding first, they will be more open to hearing our suggestions.

Conclusion

When it comes to rules and etiquette, it's not enough to just know the matters. We have to grasp the underlying principle and reasoning behind the matters. Only then can we make proper judgment on when to adjust or make exceptions.

When it comes to relationship harmony, the most important thing is that we harmonize with others by adapting to others. If we instead demand others to harmonize and adapt to us, that's a recipe for conflict.

Whenever we think others are wrong or hear news of others' wrong, we shouldn't jump to conclusions. It's important to confirm with the person. This is cultivating our respect and humility.

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Weekly Wisdom #407