.jpg)
When Right Is Wrong
- Alex Chen
- 3 hours ago
- 4 min read
What's one of the most common reasons we get angry or upset at other people? One reason is because we think we are right and they are wrong, yet they don't listen to us.
Venerable Jing Kong once said,
"Other people's wrong is right. My right is wrong."
This is a Zen koan, meaning that it seems paradoxical at surface level, and it's meant to help us break free from conventional thinking and to gain insight. So, what do you think is the deeper meaning behind this koan? After you have your thoughts, keep reading.
Venerable Jing Kong explained that other people's bad behavior is "right" because they were taught that bad behavior by the people around them and by their upbringing. For example, if someone is very rude, chances are, their parents and peers role modeled rude behavior for them, so they naturally learned it. Their behavior is "right" in that it is natural and expected for them to behave that way given their history and circumstances.
Our "right" is "wrong" for a couple reasons. First, we are illogical for thinking they shouldn't be that way. They are the way they are supposed to be because they are, and they can't be any other way right now because they aren't. If we viewed their behavior as understandable and reasonable, then we wouldn't get upset at them. Instead, we would accept them for the way they are right now.
Second, we are wrong for being overly demanding towards them. When we say things like, "You shouldn't _____" or "You should ______", it's often with a demanding or blaming attitude, and that just creates opposition and conflict. Our goal is to improve the situation, but our negative energy just makes it worse.
Recently, my mother's friend told her that for many years, she was very demanding towards her husband and children to learn Buddhism. She mentioned the Zen koan from Venerable Jing Kong and said that although she understands it intellectually, she just can't bring herself to apologize to them.
When I heard about this from my mother, we had a discussion about the matter. I wonder if that friend deeply understood the Zen koan. If she understands the koan and wants to apologize, but she struggles to let go of the ego, then that's understandable. It's hard to change our habits, so we need to take small steps at a time, and we'll get better over time.
But if she thinks she understands the koan and yet doesn't feel the need to apologize, then that's a different problem, and I would question whether or not she truly understands the koan. A surface level understanding would be "Their wrong is right because they are the result of their upbringing and circumstances. My right is wrong because I shouldn't force others to listen to me and I shouldn't get impatient or upset."
But if it's just an intellectual understanding without resonance or agreement from our heart, then we would struggle to practice it. It's like we're forcing ourselves to do something that we don't truly believe in. Deep down, we might think, "OK I get that it's not good to be demanding or impatient. But if I'm not a bit forceful towards them, they wouldn't learn at all, which would be even worse! I'm still partially right in the matter." If we don't feel like we truly wronged them, then of course we wouldn't want to apologize.
There is a Chinese idiom that goes "pulling on sprouts to assist their growth", and it illustrates the harm of being impatient and demanding.
In this analogy, her family member's desire to learn Buddhism is like sprouts. These sprouts just started to grow, and they're quite weak. The sprout needs nurturing, encouragement, joy, and time to grow. But if she is too demanding and impatient, she might pull on the sprouts, causing them to be uprooted and die.
In other words, those sprouts could have grown into full plants, but her impatience killed them. Rather than blaming the sprouts for being "slow", we should really blame ourselves for being impatient. If we truly feel that we harmed the sprouts and prevented them from growing into a healthy plant, wouldn't we naturally feel sorry?
Also, if we want others to learn Buddhism, we should set a good example by following Buddhism's teachings. A core teaching of Buddhism is karma. Karma states that everything has a cause, and every cause has a result.
Why don't family members listen to us? Perhaps the cause is because of our attitude of impatience, high demands, and opposition towards them. After all, the energy of impatience attracts impatience from others; the energy of high demands attracts resistance from others; the energy of opposition attracts opposition from others.
Or perhaps the content we shared with them doesn't feel relevant to them. Or perhaps we're demanding too much of their time. Whatever the reason is, there is definitely a reason. Given that there's definitely a reason, that means we can find the reason and adjust to get the result we want; there's no need to get impatient or upset.
Also, according to karma, what goes around comes around. If others don't listen to us right now, chances are we didn't listen to them in the past. Regardless of what others have done, we have also wronged them in the past, so shouldn't we feel apologetic for that? When we feel like we have wronged others, we naturally wouldn't feel demanding or impatient towards them anymore.
Understanding karma is also empowering and gives us hope for the future. If we want others to be more understanding, cooperative, and patient towards us in the future, then we need to start planting those karmic seeds by treating them that way now. Instead of pressuring them to listen to us, we can start showing genuine, unconditional care for them. When they expect a naggy lecture from us, and we instead give words of affirmation and care, they'll feel surprised and change their impression of us, one little bit at a time. As these good karmic seeds accumulate, they will eventually change the way they view us and thereby treat us.
Conclusion
When was the last time you got upset at someone? How might you use this idea of "their wrong is right, and my right is wrong" to change your perspective and behavior?
Weekly Wisdom #360
Comments