A story about expanding our heart and perspective. Image Source: Unsplash “What brings you to me?” asked an old, wise woman of the young man who stood before her. “I see joy and beauty around me, but from a distance,” the young man said. “My own life is full of pain.” The wise woman was silent. She slowly poured a cup of water for the sad young man and handed it to him. Then she held out a bowl of salt. “Pour some in the water,” she said. The young man hesitated, then took a small pinch of salt. “More. A handful,” the old woman said. Looking skeptical, the young man put a scoop of salt in his cup. The old woman gestured with her head, instructing the young man to drink. He took a sip of water, made a face, and spat it onto the dirt floor. “How was it?” the old woman asked. “Thanks, but no thanks,” said the young man rather glumly. The old woman smiled knowingly, then handed the young man the bowl of salt and led him to a nearby lake. The water was clear and cold. “Now put a handful of salt in the lake,” she said. The young man did as he was instructed, and the salt dissolved into the water. “Have a drink,” the old woman said. The young man knelt at the water’s edge and slurped from his hands. When he looked up, the old woman again asked, “How was it?” “Refreshing,” said the young man. “Could you taste the salt?” asked the wise woman. The young man smiled sheepishly. “Not at all,” he said. The old woman knelt next to the man, helped herself to some water, and said, “The salt is the pain of life. it is constant, but if you put it in a small glass, it tastes bitter. If you put it in a lake, you can’t taste it. expand your senses, expand your world, and the pain will diminish. Don’t be the glass. Become the lake.” --- Source: Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty

In ancient China, the country of Zhao was second in power to the country of Qin. The Emperor of Zhao recently appointed a new minister named Lin Xiangru (蔺相如) to his personal council of advisors. General Lian Po (廉颇) was very unhappy with this decision because he felt Lin didn’t deserve the position. General Lian earned his position in the council by rising his life out on the battlefield, whereas Lian simply studied books. General Lian would often publicly show disrespect to the Lin, such as by having his horse carriage purposefully bump into Lin’s horse carriage. Lin always yielded to General Lian. One time, Lin’s servant asked, “Why are you always yielding to General Lian? Isn’t that cowardly?” Lin replied, “Today, the country of Qin is the most powerful. Why do they not invade our country? It’s because they know the country of Zhao has two powerful and wise people: General Lian and myself. If they knew that General Lian and I have conflict, then they wouldn’t hesitate to invade us.” When General Lian heard about this, he felt extremely ashamed and said, “I act in the heat of the moment, but Lin is able to remain calm and think of the whole country’s citizens!” He wanted to express his sincere apologies to Lin, so he took off his coat and got a bramble branch*. He carried the branch full of thorns to Lin’s house. (Note: the act of bring a bramble branch to someone was a customary way of showing humble apology. General Lian taking off his coat was also a sign of sincerity.) Image Source When Lin saw General Lian carrying the bramble branch, with thorns cutting at his skin, he immediately rushed to his side and helped him carry the branch. Later, they became extremely good friends who would die for each other.

Image Source: Unsplash “In the Spring-Autumn Period, there was a country named Lu. Because there were other countries which took their citizens as slaves or servants, the country of Lu made a law which rewarded those who paid the ransom to regain the freedom of their fellow citizens. At that time, Confucius had a very rich student named Zi Gong. Although Zi Gong paid for the ransom to free his people, he did not accept the reward for doing such a deed. He did it out of good intentions, seeking only to help others and not for the reward money. But when Confucius heard this, he was very unhappy and scolded him, saying, ‘You acted wrongly in this matter. When saints and sages undertake anything, they strive to improve the social demeanor, teaching the common folk to be good and decent people. One should not do something just because one feels like it. In the country of Lu, the poor outnumber the wealthy. By refusing the reward, you lead others to think accepting the reward money is being greedy. Thus, all the poor people and others who do not wish to appear greedy will hesitate to pay for ransom in the future. Only very rich people will have a chance to practice this deed. If this happens, no one will pay the ransom to free our people again.’ Another student of Confucius, Zi Lu, once saw a man drowning in a river and went forth to rescue him. Later, the man thanked him by giving him a cow as a token of gratitude. Zi Lu accepted the gift. Confucius was happy when he heard this and said, ‘In the future, people will be willing and eager to help those who are drowning in deep waters or lakes.’ If we look from the view of the common people, Zi Gong, who did not accept the reward money, was good. And Zi Lu, who accepted the cow, was not as good. Who would have known that Confucius praised Zi Lu instead and scolded Zi Gong? From this, we can see that those who practice kind deeds must not only look at the present outcome, but should consider the act’s effect in the long run. One should not only consider one’s own gain and loss, but should look to see the impact made on the public. What we do right now may be good, but with passing years, it may inflict harm upon others. Therefore, what seems like goodness may in fact be the opposite. And what appears to be the opposite of goodness may someday turn out to be goodness done after all. There are other examples of what appears to be goodness, but actually is not. For example, there are many things people ought to do. But sometimes, these things prove to be better left undone. [1] Forgiveness is a virtue, but it cannot be used without reason and wisdom. If we easily forgive and release a criminal when he has not repented and reformed, we may be letting loose a threat to society, causing more harm than good. In this case, forgiveness would be improper, and the man would be best left in his cell. [2] Everyone ought to have manners, but they should be carried out with good measure. Overdoing your courtesy to others can result in making them proud and arrogant. In this case, it would not be a good thing. [3] Keeping to one’s word is a virtue. But if trouble is caused to keeping a small promise, then that would be considered improper. [4] Being loving and compassionate is a wonderful trait, but if compassion is carried out by allowing anything to be done, then the spoiled person would be daring and unrestrained, causing greater harm and trouble in the future. This would be most unmerciful. These are all examples of what appears to be goodness, but actually is not, and should be thoroughly contemplated.” --- Source: Liao Fan’s Four Lessons

In the Zhou Dynasty, there was a young boy named Min Ziqian (闵子骞). Min’s mother died when he was young, and his father remarried to another woman with two children of her own. His stepmother treated him very poorly, but she made sure his father never knew. One winter, the stepmother made three winter jackets. The two for her sons were stuffed with warm cotton, while the one for Min was stuffed with a reed flower, which is fluffy but not warm. Image Source One winter day, the dad and his son went out. The son was driving the horse carriage. The dad noticed his son shivering despite wearing such a fluffy winter jacket. The dad got angry because he thought the son was trying to insult his stepmom, so whipped his son. The whip broke open the jacket, and out came the flowers. His dad instantly realized that the stepmother had been mistreating his son, and he was furious about it. He planned to go back home and kick the stepmother out of the house. The son knew this and knelt down and pleaded his dad to not kick the stepmother out. The dad was bewildered and said, “Why should I not kick out your stepmother when she’s been mistreating you this whole time?” The son replied, “With the stepmother here, one son is cold. Without the stepmother, three sons will be cold.” The dad calmed down and was moved by his son’s filial piety. When his stepmother found out, she was extremely ashamed of herself and improved. The family later achieved great harmony.

In the Han Dynasty, there was a filial boy named Cai Shun (蔡顺). One time, the boy was out in the mountains picking mulberries. On the way home, he encountered some a gang of thieves. The thieves were about to steal the mulberries that the child picked, but the leader noticed that the young boy separated the berries into two baskets. The gang leader asked, “Boy, these are just mulberries. Why did you spend time separating them into two baskets?” The boy replied, “One basket is for the sweet mulberries. Those are for my mother. The other basket is for the sour ones. Those are for me.” The gang leader was extremely moved by this boy’s filial piety, and he was reminded of his own mother. Not only that, the gang leader even offered the boy some of the rice they stole from the villagers. The boy politely declined and went back home. Commentary: The first lesson is that we all have goodness inside of us. Even thieves can feel shame in front of virtuous people. The second lesson is that good intentions require wisdom to get good results. Good intentions without wisdom can easily lead to bad results. If the boy had accepted the offerings from the thieves, then the boy would've gotten accused of stealing from the villagers. That would bring shame to his whole family.

A young boy named Zeng Zi (曾子) heard Confucius talk about the importance of filial piety, and how if our parents scold us, we ought to listen respectfully. Further, if our parents get angry and even hit us, we should accept it calmly. Later at home, the boy made a big mistake that resulted in his father getting very angry. The father scolded him and even started hitting him*. (*Context: In ancient China, back in the time of Confucius, it was acceptable and normal for parents to use hitting as a way of discipling children. They usually did it as a last resort and out of good intentions for their children, wanting them to learn an important lesson and remember it.) Image Source While being hit, the boy thought about Confucius's words, and he remained there. The dad was not careful and accidentally hit his son on the head, which knocked him unconscious. Later, when Confucius heard about this, he said the boy was not filial. His students were confused. A student asked, "Didn't you say we should accept scolding and even beating from parents calmly?" Confucius explained, "If a child gets hurt, who is most upset? Of course it's the parents. If you see your parent angry and therefore not thinking clearly, you need to be careful. If it's a small stick, then you can accept the discipline calmly. If it's a big stick, run." Commentary: From this story, we see the importance of understanding the principle behind rules so that you don't blindly follow them inappropriately.

Image Source: Unsplash Once, a parent visited her teacher, Mr. Cai, whom she was taking a class from on Di Zi Gui and virtues. She told her teacher that she found a great book called Rich Dad Poor Dad. Her daughter used to be very lazy, but after reading this book, she became diligent! Mr. Cai asked her to explain. She said, “Before, she didn’t do any chores around the house. After reading that book, I would tell her, ‘Daughter, help me mop the floor and I’ll give you $2.’ Then she’d be on it right away!” Mr. Cai said the book to your daughter’s laziness is like how cold medicine suppresses the symptoms of cold, like a runny nose or a cough. That medicine does not actually cure the underlying illness. The parent wasn’t sure what Mr. Cai was trying to say. A couple weeks later, that same parent came back with a depressed look on her face. Mr. Cai asked what’s wrong. She explained, “I’m having problems with my daughter again. Today, I told asked her I'm very tired, but I already washed some clothes, and I just want her to hang them out on the drying rack. I also said I’d give her $2. She told me today she’s also tired, and she doesn’t feel like making money today.” Finally, she realized the problem with that book. Mr. Cai explained that relationships, especially in family, should not be built on self-interest. They should be built on love and respect.

Image Source: Unsplash In the Han Dynasty, Emperor Guangwu (汉光武) had a cabinet minister named Song Hong (宋弘). Song held the important position of Minister of Civil Engineering, and he was extremely honest and responsible in all matters. When the Emperor’s elder sister became widowed after her husband died, the Emperor discussed with her sister about finding a new husband. He asked her if there was anyone among his cabinet ministers that she liked. His sister immediate replied, “Song Hong has a special air about him; extremely virtuous.” The Emperor understood right away, and so he asked Song to meet with him. He thought that perhaps Song would be interested at the opportunity to go from a common citizen to nobility through marrying his sister. After all, it’s an opportunity that most people dream about. When he met with Song, the Emperor told him, “When a man gets rich, it’s common for him to change friends. When a man gains high prestige, it’s common for him to change wives.” Song knew about the situation with the Emperor’s sister and understood the Emperor’s implied meaning. He immediately replied the Emperor with two sentences: “To the friends who helped us when we were poor, we mustn’t forget. To the wife who accompanied us through hardship, we mustn’t abandon.” After hearing this, the Emperor understood Song’s meaning and agreed that human sentiment and loyalty are most important. He also admired how artful and subtle Song responded in a way that did not make him embarrassed. Although Song rejected the opportunity of nobility, he gained the respect and admiration of the Emperor and set a virtuous example for his family. His words recorded in history, and countless scholars looked up to his example for thousands of years to come.

One afternoon, a 16-year son drove his father to the mall and agreed to come pick him back up at 4:00PM. The son then went to the nearest gas station to re-fill the car. When he got to the gas station, he also saw a movie theatre nearby. He checked the time and saw there it was only 2:00PM, so he decided to park the car at the gas station, go watch a movie, then refill the gas, then go pick up his dad. Unfortunately, the boy completely lost track of time, and before he knew it, it was already 5:30PM. He rushed to refill the gas and then rushed over to pick up his dad. In his mind, he was sure that his dad was going to get angry and scold him, so he thought of an excuse. When he arrived, he immediately said, “Father, I’m sorry about the delay. The car broke down and it took a while to get it fixed.” His dad replied, “Why are you lying to me?” The son said, “What do you mean? I’m telling you the truth.” The dad replied, “I called the nearby gas station, and they told me the car has been parked there with no one in it for hours.” The son was caught red-handed, so he was speechless. The dad said, “I’m very angry, but I’m not angry at you. I’m angry at myself. I raised my son for 16 years, and because he’s afraid of me scolding him, he would lie to me. This is my failure as a father. I need to reflect and improve myself. This trip home, I’m walking.” The dad then proceeded to walk the 18-mile journey home, which took over 4 hours. The son followed the dad in the car, and he felt it was the longest and most difficult drive ever. At the same time, he also felt it was the best lesson he ever learned from his dad. From that day onward, he never lied again.

A wealthy and high-status man took his two sons to see Lao Zi, the wise sage master. The man asked Lao Zi, “I have two sons, but I don’t know who I can rely on in my old age. My elder son is very simple-minded, whereas my younger son is very intelligent and capable. What do you think?” Lao Zi took out a bad of silver and said to the elder son, “If you whack your father, this bag of money is yours.” Image Source The elder son said, “I’m sorry, but I cannot do that.” Lao Zi then turned to the younger son and said, “If you gently hit your father, this bag of money is yours.” The younger son hit his father without hesitation and then took the bag of money happily. Lao Zi then turned to the father and said, “Now your answer should be clear.” Later, it was indeed the elder son who took care of the father into old age. After the father passed away, the younger son was traveling outside the country doing business, and refused to go back for the funeral because of the business he might lose.

Image Source: Unsplash A teacher living in Shenzhen went back to her hometown for her birthday. She had recently learned about the importance of filial piety (respecting and loving parents), and she wanted to practice filial piety by expressing her gratitude towards her parents on her birthday. She got out three chairs for her mother, father, and grandma who also happened to be there. Then she invited the three of them to sit. Her mother sensed that something was about to happen, and she asked, “Daughter, what are you trying to do here?” The teacher replied, “I’m already over 30 years old, and I’ve given you guys a lot of worry and hassle over all these years. I recently learned about the importance of filial piety, so from now on, I will do my best to be a filial daughter and not give you guys unnecessary worry. I hold your 30 years of nurture and care deeply in my heart. Today happens to be my birthday, so I will perform the customary three kneels and nine bows to show my respect.” When the teacher did the first kneel, her mother's eyes started to tear up. When she did the second kneel, her son who was in third grade felt like he should be doing something filial too, so went over to his father and started massaging his arm. Later, the family went back home to Shenzhen. When the son arrived home, he happily said, “Mom, dad, next year on my birthday, I want to kneel for you guys too!”

"You are looking at a beautiful porcelain vase in a shop window when a clumsy salesman knocks it over. “What a shame! Such a lovely vase!” you sigh, and continue calmly on your way. On the other hand, if you had just bought that vase and had placed it proudly on the mantle, only to see it fall and smash to smithereens, you would cry out in horror, “My vase is broken!” and be deeply affected by the accident. The sole difference is the label “my” that you had stuck to the vase." From Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life’s Most Important Skill by Matthieu Ricard