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Recently, I visited and caught up with some friends in different places in China and Canada as I return home to Toronto from China, and these two concepts have recurred over and over: What you focus on, grows. The energy you give is the energy you attract.   These two ideas are interrelated, but the first one is arguably more fundamental because what we focus on determines our energy, and then the energy that we give others is the energy we attract back. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3  , 4 , 5 Unfortunately, we often don't have the awareness that we are focusing on the negative, or that we give others negative energy, and then we get upset that they return negative energy back at us. But it doesn't have to be this way. We can choose what we focus on. We can choose the energy we return to others. But this takes awareness and training. Below are some examples: Chores Career Change Dealing With Rudeness Returning Negative Energy With Positive Energy Example 1: Chores One person was upset that his wife didn't do a lot of the chores around the house. For context, he works 10-hour days, and a clean and organized house is very important to him. Doing chores is a big stress for him, and since his wife is only working part-time, he really expects her to take on more of the chores.   There were a few times where he and his wife were hanging out with friends, and he said that his wife doesn't do chores around the house. His wife got really upset because from her perspective, she does a lot of the chores around the house. She asked her husband about this matter, and he clarified that he meant she doesn't do enough around the house. Her wife then complains that "enough" is ambiguous, and he doesn't see all her effort and doesn't appreciate her enough. One of the biggest learnings I've had from ancient philosophy with regards to solving interpersonal conflicts is that most people get stuck arguing about the matter , and they aren't conscious of the energy  they bring to the matter. Put simply: The key to solving conflicts isn't in the matter, but rather in our mindset towards the problem and the energy we hold. What we focus on, grows. The energy we give is the energy we'll attract. Such is the law of karma.   One time, I was talking to the wife about how she and him are doing, and the topic of chores came up. I asked her, "Has he ever said words of appreciation to you though?"   She said, "Yeah, but rarely."   I asked, "Can you give me an example?"   She said, "Well, I remember one time I cleaned the house, and he said thanks for cleaning the house."   I said, "OK, and how did you respond to him?"   She said, "I don't remember. I think I just nodded or smiled."   I said, "If I were you, I would have shown that I'm really happy to hear those words and said, 'Hearing your thanks makes me really happy!'  And then give him a hug."   She looked at me a bit skeptically and said, "Really…? But I did so much work, the least he should do is give me a thanks… It's basic politeness. Why should I be so over-the-top?"   I replied, "There's the word that kills relationships: should . At the beginning of the relationship, you both tried so hard for each other, and neither of you took anything from each other for granted. As time goes on in any relationship, we start taking each other for granted. We take it for granted that they should give us a nice birthday gift. We take it for granted that they do the chores. We take it for granted that they say nice things to us. Usually, we take our family members for granted the most, but let's not go on that tangent right now…   If someone takes you for granted, do you want to keep giving to them? Of course not. The energy of entitlement repels people. The energy of gratitude attracts more. What you focus on, grows. If you focus on the other person's contributions and good points, those will grow, and their bad points will be overshadowed. If you focus on their bad points, then those will grow, and you'll become blind to their good points and contributions, which will really hurt the relationship and your own happiness. It's not that he doesn't have good points, it's that you’ve filtered them out.   So when you just nod after he thanks you, as if that's something you're entitled to, does he feel encouraged to repeat that behavior? It's already not a natural behavior for him. Due to his upbringing and personality, he is not used to giving words of affirmation, so when he goes out of his comfort zone and tries to give it to you, you really gotta encourage him!   On the flip side, if you criticize him for not being appreciative enough, do you think he'll feel encouraged to give you more words of appreciation? Negative attracts negative. What does the energy of criticism attract? Defensiveness. He'll argue back and say, 'Why do I need to praise you for every little thing? Do you really need praise for washing the dishes each time?'  Why does he say things like that? Because you gave him negative energy first. What you give out, you attract back."   She looked a bit more convinced and said, "OK, I see your point. I guess I could do more encouraging instead of demanding."   I gave another example to try to hit the point home. I said, "You know how you're very upset when he said that you don't do any chores around the house? What do you think his goal is in saying that? He probably hopes you'll do more chores, right? But do you feel more motivated to do more chores after hearing that? Of course not. In fact, you might feel motivated to rebel and not do chores just because you're upset at him. When he focused on the negative, he got more of the negative out of you.   Now imagine if he often tells his friends,  'My wife is so great because she knows I hate doing chores, and she goes out of her way to do all the chores around the house.'  And he says this many times to different friends. How would you feel? Maybe you'll clarify to those friends, 'Well, I don't do ALL the chores, he does some too.'  But afterwards, you'll feel very appreciated and more motivated to do the chores, and the next time you do chores, you might even take initiative to do more chores because of his praise. After all, it's human sentiment to want to be worthy of the praise that we receive."   By now, she nodded and looked fully convinced. Later, I clarified to her, "Just to be clear, I am not implying that only you are at fault here. The reason I focused on your problems is because I am talking to you. If I were talking to your husband, I would tell him to be more appreciative and give more praise when you do the chores.   But a big trap that we fall into is focusing on the other person's faults. Remember, what you focus on, grows. If we focus on other people's faults, that's negative energy, and that will attract more negative things. We'll feel unhappy first. Then we'll have a shorter temper and criticize them for stuff, creating more negativity for everyone.   If we can tolerate people's shortcomings (after all, everyone, including ourselves, have shortcomings) and focus on their good points, that's positive energy, and that will attract more positive things. We'll often notice and praise their goodness, which then encourages them to grow their goodness."   Example 2: Career Change Another friend is about to go do her master's degree in the US, and I asked her what she plans to do with her business here in Canada. She said that she's probably going to shut it down. I was surprised and said, "Last time we chatted, I remember you were planning to let your husband run it?"   She said, "Yeah, but after more contemplation, I don't think he is capable of running it himself."   I asked,  "Then what will he do for income?"   She said, "Oh actually, he started doing translation work for elderly people visiting hospitals, and he's actually really suited for it. He always goes out of his way to give the best service for them."   I said, "Wow, that's awesome! If I were you, I'd really praise him and encourage him towards that as a way to help him let go of the business."   She asked,  "What do you mean?"   I said, "Well, everyone has an ego. If you tell him to let go of the business because he can't handle it himself, he'll probably cling even tighter and want to prove that he can handle it himself. But if you praise his translation work and use that as a reason for letting go of the business, he'll be less resistant."   She said, "Oh now that you mention it, I have been criticizing him and saying things like 'You're not suited to lead the business. Why don't you do something else?'  And indeed, he argues back."   I replied, "Yeah, the energy you give is the energy you attract. If you criticize others, you attract defensiveness. If you demand others, you attract resistance. If you encourage and praise others, you attract cooperation.   If I were you, I might say something like, 'Oh wow you're really great at this translation job, and you're literally helping to save these elderly people's lives. I'm sure they and their whole family are super grateful. Not only is this really meaningful work, you're also way more suited for this than being a businessman, and honestly, I think you're happier doing this. Since I'm going to be away in the US for the time being, why don't we stop the business temporarily so that you can have more time to focus on and grow the translation work?' Of course, change needs to be gradual, so maybe he can progressively reduce the business' scale and gradually increase the amount of translation work he does. "   Example 3: Dealing With Rudeness I recently started tutoring English to two students around 10-12 years old. The second week, when I went to the tutoring center, another teacher told me that there's a new student in my class (let's call him Bob), and this student is a big headache. She told me, "Bob's parents really spoiled him, and he is very rude and disrespectful towards others. He calls his classmates names and often says dirty words. It will take some time to help him change his behavior."   When I heard all this, I thought to myself, "A good beginning is halfway to success. I need to be very careful at the beginning. First, I need to respect him. If I am judgmental towards him, that will attract opposition from him.   Second, I need to focus on his goodness and potential; what I focus on will grow. Everyone has innate goodness , so I need to focus my energy on noticing his good points and praising them.   Third, If he does rude behavior, I won't criticize him with negative energy; I will respectfully discuss with him and try to reason with him first. If reason doesn't work, then I will be firm in my principles and in executing class rules. This is to respect the other students and teach him how to be a proper person, not to vent annoyance."   After I set my mindset straight, I talked to the other two classmates in private and asked them about Bob. As expected, they complained a lot about him. I told them, "I need your help. I need you guys to help me role model respect towards him. Bob is not rude for no reason. He didn't have respectful role models around him when growing up, so all he knows is rude behavior. So now, we need to keep modeling respect towards him despite his rudeness, and slowly, he'll feel ashamed and change his ways. So no matter how rude Bob treats us, we need to return respect to him. I know it's not easy, but I believe you can do it. And for each time you can return rudeness with respect, I'll give you guys a point. After ten points, I'll give you guys a nice reward. How does that sound?" They agreed.   In that first class, I focused on role modeling respect myself. I told everyone, "Originally, this class was supposed to be done in English, but since our new classmate doesn't know English, and we respect him, today, I will do the class in Chinese. In the future, we'll slowly add more English into our class."   When the other two classmates spoke English out of habit, I reminded them that we should speak Chinese. We played a self-introduction game, and I asked who wants to go first. All three students wanted to. I said, "Let's follow etiquette here. We should let the eldest go first."   Bob had a sour look on his face, but he didn't argue back, and that's what I focused on. I said, "Thank you Bob for letting your older classmate go first. That's very polite of you."   Later, Bob called another classmate a rude name. I paused the class and asked Bob, "Why did you call her that name?"   He said, "Because it's funny."   I asked, "Do you like it if other people call you names?"   He said, "I don't think it's a problem. My friends call me names too."   I asked the other classmate, "How do you feel when he calls you names?"   She said, "I am unhappy."   I asked Bob, "You made her feel unhappy. Do you like it when other people make you feel unhappy?"   He stayed silent for a while, and I waited patiently for his response. Finally, he said, "No."   I said, "If we want others to treat us well and make us happy, we need to treat others well and make them happy. If we don't want others to make us unhappy, we must take care not to do that to others. It's a simple rule of relationships. Since you hurt her feelings, what do you think you can do now?"   He said very quickly, "OK got it got it. Sorry."   At this point, I could have focused on his politeness being "half empty", but instead, I viewed it as "half full" and said, "Great job. It's not easy to apologize, and I commend you for that. You get one point." There were other similar incidents where he behaved rudely, and I had to make judgment calls. If it's a small thing, I might let it go because I don't want to become naggy. But if it's a big enough deal, or if I've already let some things slide, I will remind him again, firmly but patiently.   From my first class with him, I truly felt that he isn't trying to be a villain; he's just used to behaving like this, and it takes time to change his habits. He listens to reason, and afterwards, I can see him there frowning and trying to do the polite thing. I actually felt quite touched by his effort, and I think the whole class can learn a lot more about respect and politeness thanks to Bob. As long as I focus on setting a good example myself, we will have harmony, and so long as I focus on his goodness, I can bring out more of his goodness.   Example 4: Returning Negative Energy With Positive Energy I recently had a misunderstanding with my mother that almost resulted in an argument. Basically, it was raining one day, and she was rushing to go plant some seedlings that she just got from a neighbor. I remember she often says to me that traveling is too tiring, as if hinting that I shouldn't travel so much. So I commented in passing, "Since you enjoy gardening, you don't feel like rushing to plant seedlings in the rain is a big deal. Similarly, I don't think traveling around is as tiring as you make it sound to be. Everyone has different likes and dislikes, and we shouldn't use our standards to judge others."   Later that day, I noticed she was very grumpy. I asked her what's wrong. She said, "Do you think I LIKE going out in the rain to plant seedlings? I do it because I want us to eat healthy, organic, and fresh food. You just take it for granted that you can eat all this fresh produce and don't see how difficult it is for me to plant them. Otherwise, you go buy them from the grocery store and see how expensive it is. Oh right, you young people don't care about price. You enjoy flying around and spending lots of money. You say you're not tired from traveling, but clearly you've been sleeping a lot since you got back."   She continued venting for quite a while about many different things that I won't go into details about, and I was quite taken aback. The longer I listened, the more negative energy I absorbed, and the more I wanted to argue back, to point out the errors in her understanding of my situation, and to defend my innocence. But I told myself, "I know from countless past experiences that arguing will only create a negative spiral. No matter what, I must return positive and peaceful energy to her, and I must not argue."   After she finished talking, I replied, "I'm not sure what happened and why that comment made you so upset. I never intended to upset you, but you got very upset by it, so that's my fault, and I'm sorry." At this point, I could already see her face soften up. I continued, "I know you work very hard to plant the garden and give us fresh, healthy produce, and I do appreciate it. I try to contribute too. I cook and clean, right? If it's not enough, you could just ask me, 'Do you have time to help out in the garden or do more chores?'  It's not that I'm not willing to do more, I just didn't know you wanted me to, and it would be much better for our harmony if you could simply ask me instead of criticizing me for having bad intentions."   She nodded and said, "I'm sorry too. I do know you contribute, and I'm not saying you need to do more. Maybe there's been a lot of unexpected matters recently that accumulated stress for me, so I over-reacted to your words."   Apology attracts apology, and appreciation attracts appreciation. For most people, I might just stop the conversation there, but since my mother studies Buddhism, I went further and admonished her. I said, " Honestly, I think the root of your unhappiness here is not what I said or what I did. If someone else heard my off-hand comment, would they get so upset like you? Probably not. I think the root of the problem is you assuming bad intentions in others.    We've been learning Buddhism for years now, and one of the most fundamental teachings is empathy and compassion, to let go of "how I feel" and focus on making others happy. Think about it, do you really think I would purposely try to make you angry? Do you think anyone wakes up and thinks, 'Today I'm going to make somebody angry because, why not?'   Given that I'm not trying to make you angry, given that my comment probably had neutral or even positive intentions, why do you get so angry? Why don't you think a bit longer about how their intention might be neutral or positive? Isn't it a bit unfair to vent anger on someone who didn't intend to make you angry? Shouldn't we confirm their intentions before making our judgment? Isn't that how we practice empathy and compassion?"   She laughed and said,  "OK, that's a good point. I need to do a better job practicing the teachings."   Sincere and respectful admonishment attracts appreciation. I said, "Honestly, I was really, really close to arguing with you just like in the past. But this time, I just recently came back from visiting many friends, and they gave me a deep impression that the energy we give is the energy we get back. I told them to focus on giving positive energy instead of negative energy, to encourage the behavior they want in their partners rather than always criticizing the behavior they don't want. This is all still fresh in my mind, so today, I told myself I must return negative energy with positive energy, and that's why we didn't spiral down into an argument. So we need to be thankful to my friends from my travels."   Concluding Thoughts Do you focus more on the positive or the negative? The good or the bad? What you focus on, grows. Do you give more positive energy or negative energy to others? It's what you'll attract back. Do you criticize the behavior you dislike more, or praise the behavior you do like more? If they rarely do the behavior you want them to do, then it might be because you're not attracting it. Are you able to return negative energy with positive energy? It's key for resolving conflicts. Weekly Wisdom #307

A great way to help us avoid the same mistake is to proactively practice the opposite virtue. To fix that fault, he can practice the virtue of praising others' good points. made that mistake, and write down how I can prevent the same fault next time or cultivate the opposite virtue

After a year of practicing selflessness (as well as the years before of cultivating virtues), I've had

The book says: “Our former kings had the consummate virtue and vital way that brought the empire into I’ll share one last quote from The Classic Of Filial Piety: “When one person has great virtues, the whole

Have you ever harmed a relationship or spoiled an opportunity because you couldn't endure or control negative emotions? I certainly have. It's no wonder that the Buddha said, "The success of everything depends on endurance." I heard a great story on the topic of endurance. In the Tang Dynasty of ancient China, there lived a famous person named Gong Yi Zhang (張公藝). He was famous because his household had nine generations* living harmoniously together. (*Note: Nine generations is a LOT of people! We're talking several hundreds of people in one big house. But their houses back then were different, kind of like a small school. It is analogous to a big company office building with hundreds of workers. Nine generations means if I am a 45 year-old in this family, I have my parents (~55), grandparents (~70), and great grandparents (~95) above me, as well as my children (~30), grandchildren (~15), and great grandchildren (~1 year old) below me.) Image Source One day, Emperor Tang Gaozong visited his house to personally see this rare family of nine generations. The Emperor was very impressed, and he asked Zhang, who was the elder of the house, how he maintained harmony in the household. Zhang then requested a pen and paper, and on it, he wrote the word "endure" over a hundred times. He then gave this paper to the Emperor. His meaning was that families might have conflict due to unfair distribution of food and clothes among the elders, or imperfect etiquette from the youth. When people criticize and blame each other, conflict arises. But if everyone can mutually endure, tolerate, and yield, then how could the family not be harmonious? (Source) Commentary In English, "to endure" means to take on hardship without complaint. But in Chinese, the word "endure" (忍) has a much broader range of meanings. It can mean To take on hardship without complaint, such as enduring pain and discomfort To be tolerant to others, as in enduring people's rude behavior To yield to others, as in letting others have what they want To be patient, as in not getting angry or annoyed with others How can we interpret Zhang's action of writing "endure" over 100 times? One interpretation is that there are hundreds of things we have to endure to have harmony. After all, in a household with hundreds of people, everyone has different weaknesses, faults, and bad habits. To remain harmonious, they have to tolerate all of them. A second interpretation is that Zhang uses the process of writing "endure" 100 times to calm himself down whenever he feels any urge to get angry and argue with someone. We can imagine that by the time he's written "endure" a hundred times, his anger would have subsided. This process takes a great level of self-cultivation. After all, most people cannot control their anger. It rises fast like a burning fire, and before we know it, everyone is hurt. If we can cultivate our self-awareness to recognize when the flames of anger are starting to rise, then have the discipline to douse those flames right away, then we can avoid many conflicts. Zhang writes "endure" 100 times, but there are other ways too, such as deep breathing, going for a run until exhausted, or taking a hot shower. Whatever helps your mind calm down is good. When we consider the wide range of meanings for "endurance", we can see the logic behind the Buddha's statement. Indeed, the road to success in any endeavor will have hardship, and we always need the help of others. The hardship might be related to the task itself, or related to people we have to work with to accomplish the goal. If we cannot endure hardship or be patient and tolerant towards others, how can we possibly succeed in anything? To succeed in school, we need to endure difficult classes and stressful exam periods. To succeed in getting a job, we need to endure the long process of job searching, interviewing, and rejections, until we finally land a good job. To succeed in any relationship, we need to endure impoliteness and conflicts by being patient, tolerant, and yielding towards others. How to Endure A great Buddhist practitioner named Huang Nianzu explained six ways of enduring. Endure through force Endure through forgetting Endure through reflection Endure through observation Endure through joy Endure through compassion These six methods are mainly related to enduring anger and conflict in relationships. After all, the longevity of a relationship is less dependent on how much you appreciate each other's strengths and more dependent on how much you can tolerate each other's weaknesses. 1. Enduring through force Enduring through force means when you feel anger arising, you force yourself to not get angry. You shut your mouth or leave the situation. However, anger still exists in your mind, and if it accumulates, it might explode in the future. We probably all have had this experience. If you can be aware of your anger rising, that is already better than most people. Next is to proactively prevent that anger from exploding. For example, we could say, "I need to go use the bathroom. Let's take a short break." Enduring through force is the easiest to use, but the effect is also the smallest. Usually, we start with enduring through force, then we go calm ourselves down. After we calm down, we can use any combination of the remaining five methods to truly let go from the mind. 2. Endure through forgetting Endure through forgetting means being tolerant. We tell ourselves, "I can accept their behavior; it's not a big deal. I'm going to argue about these little matters." Hence, you let go of it and forget it. I practiced this before when someone said something and I wanted to argue. But instead of arguing, I first wrote down what I wanted to say on my phone. Then I told myself to wait 24 hours. If I still want to argue, then I should explain myself in a calm manner, not in an argumentative manner. But after 24 hours, I realized it is a small thing that does not need to be argued, so I let it go. Another example is enduring mosquito bites. I'm in Malaysia currently, and I get bitten by mosquitoes quite frequently. I could get angry every time a mosquito bites me, but that just ruins my mood and makes me an unpleasant person to be around. Instead, I could think, "It's not a big deal. It will be gone within a few days. I can simply put on some herbal cream to alleviate the itchiness. Why keep being annoyed by it afterwards?" 3. Endure through reflection Endure through reflection means reflecting on our faults and our contribution to the problem. Be strict with ourselves and lenient towards others. No conflict is ever 100% one person's fault. As soon as we realize our faults, our anger will calm down. After all, what right do we have to be angry when we are at fault? For example, if someone criticizes me, why do I have to defend myself and argue back? Why can't I express myself in a calm way? It takes two angry people to start a fight, so it is my fault for being that second angry person. To give another example, if I go to a restaurant with some friends to find out the restaurant is closed, I shouldn't get angry and blame the restaurant or my friends. I should blame myself for not calling the restaurant ahead of time to book a reservation. 4. Endure through observation Endure through observation means observing the impermanence of everything. Just think about something that you got really upset about in the past. After a while, is it still a big deal? We forget about many of these things with the passing of time. They become unimportant. We can choose to have that feeling right now. Besides, life is short, why waste it being angry? As the Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius said, "Life is short--the fruit of this life is a good character and acts for the common good." For example, when my boss did not keep his word and acted rather hypocritically, I reflected that life is short, and this job is only temporary. In fact, all my emotions are temporary. I probably won't be thinking much about this incident after a month, so there's no need to get too worked up about it right now. Instead, just focus on being a good person myself regardless of how others behave. 5. Endure through joy Endure through joy means being joyful and grateful towards everything that happens in life. Why? Because everything has the potential to help us improve and succeed as long as we believe it so. For example, if I just missed the bus, rather than getting angry and frustrated, I can instead choose to believe that this will help me. How? Well, it taught me to arrive earlier and to do everything with buffer time. I can be thankful that there won't be a big consequence if I am late this time, and I will prevent myself from being late for bigger events in the future. Another example: if I did not get the job offer I wanted, I can choose to believe that this is life telling me I have something else more suitable coming up in the future as long as I persist and endure. By choosing to believe this, I will be much more productive than grumbling and feeling sorry for myself. 6. Endure through compassion Endure through compassion means having empathy and viewing their suffering as our suffering. Empathy is a natural human trait. For example, when children see another person crying, they will feel sad and cry too. As we've gotten older, we were taught to focus more and more on ourselves, on our selfish desires. We then become de-sensitized to other people's feelings. But if we simply try to feel other people's feelings more, to try to understand other people's feelings more, we can naturally feel compassion for them, which then douses the flames of anger. For example, when someone is arguing with us, rather than focusing solely on our feelings, we can pay notice that they are hurting too. Just like we wish they would understand us first, they also wish we would understand them first. Just like we think we are right, they also think they are right. No one is purposely trying to be wrong or to be angry. When we understand this, we can feel more compassion for them, and our anger will decrease. Then we can give kindness first, understand them first, and apologize first. When they receive our kindness, they will also want to reciprocate. Conclusion If we want a happy and successful life, then we must learn to endure. Towards matters, we need to have patience and be able to endure hardship. Towards people, we need to endure anger, annoyance, and conflict. Usually, we start by enduring via force, but to prevent resentment from accumulating, we need to also endure via forgetting, reflection, observation, gratitude, and/or compassion. Weekly Wisdom #232

, it would be cultivating virtues. If you observe any great person, they have great virtues. I also found a list of 52 virtues from The Virtues Project that is worth studying: Image Source Confucius's other three worries are all different ways to cultivate virtues. I need to cultivate the virtues of tranquility and duty.

There are two major areas of improvement: virtues and abilities. Virtues relate to our moral character and include qualities like kindness, respect, humility, diligence Both are important, but virtues should come first. Virtues are like the foundational soil for plants. If we only focus on abilities and neglect virtues, then our plant simply cannot thrive.

In The Great Learning , Confucius said, "One with virtues will gain people. To lack both abilities and virtues is to be useless. To have more virtues than abilities is to be a Great Person ( Junzi ). To have more abilities than virtues is to be a Petty Person ( Xiaoren ). Thus, virtues comes before abilities.  

Image Source: Unsplash A young man recognized his middle school teacher on the street, and he walked up to him and said, “Teacher! Do you remember me?” The teacher looked at the young man for a while, and said, “Sorry, I don’t remember.” The student said, “I was in your middle school class. I’m the student that stole a classmate’s watch!” The teacher thought again and said, “I’m really sorry, I still don’t remember.” The student said, “That day, you made each student stand facing the wall with our hands covering our eyes, and then you went and searched each person’s pockets for the watch. When you found the watch in my pocket, I was extremely nervous. I thought you would scold me in front of the class, and my reputation would be ruined forever! But strangely, you didn’t scold me. You didn’t even say who stole the watch. You just returned the watch to the classmate and continued class as normal. All the way to graduation, you didn’t mention it. I was so relieved and grateful! Do you remember me now?" The teacher smiled and said, “Oh I remember that incident! But there’s no way I would remember you. I didn’t want to ruin any relationships among the classmates or have any negative bias towards any of my students, so I also closed my eyes when searching through my students’ pockets.” When the student heard this, all he could do was cry and give the teacher a big hug of appreciation.

It's the end of another year! Like many people, I'm doing a year-end reflection. As a learner of ancient philosophies, I'm always trying to improve myself, to live a good life, and to have happiness and peace of mind. This year, I have four major learnings: Selflessness brings true happiness and eliminates suffering. What you focus on, grows. Human nature is inherently good. TCM lifestyle tips.   Image created using Canva 1: Selflessness brings true happiness and eliminates suffering. We all just want to be happy in life. But we need to recognize that true happiness is different from the fleeting pleasure that comes from external stimulation (e.g., food, entertainment, gaming, shopping, etc.). Such pleasures are very short-lived, and while they can be fine in moderation, they can also lead to a slippery slope and create craving afterwards, and craving is a form of suffering. On the other hand, true happiness is long-lasting and nourishing to the mind and spirit.   In the article Cultivate Inner Joy , I wrote about four sources of long-lasting happiness: having good relationships, helping others, having a clear conscience, and seeing our improvement. Practicing selflessness and kindness is related to all of these.   Moreover, all our negative emotions, suffering, and interpersonal conflicts come from an over-focus on I , on what I  want but cannot get, and on my  feelings. The stronger our attachment to I , the greater our suffering. That's why ancient philosophers taught us to dampen our self-centeredness and redirect our focus towards benefiting others. For example, the Buddha said, "View all living beings as myself." Lao Tzu said, "View others' gains as my gains. View others' losses as my losses."   Thus, I chose "selflessness" as my one-word theme for 2024, and I tried to practice Venerable Jing Kong's teaching: "Think of benefiting others with every thought". In my practice, I noticed five major ways to cultivate selflessness: Putting others before me and above me (e.g.,  prioritizing others on my to-do list, following others' wishes rather than fussing over all the small stuff, and giving more to others) Empathy (when we understand others, we won't be upset at them anymore, and we'll know how to help them in a way that resonates with them) Advising others (be more polite towards family members; be willing to go through the hassle of advising others) Etiquette (being more considerate and respectful in the minute details of daily life) Thinking of the bigger picture (thinking long-term and from multiple people's perspectives)   I wrote about these in detail in last week's post, My Year of Practicing Selflessness . Through this year's practice, I now have more peace of mind, more happy relationships (both in terms of quality and quantity), a sense of contentment that I live a moral life, a sense of accomplishment from self-improvement, and a feeling of confidence that I can resolve conflicts positively.   2: What you focus on, grows. This year, some friends talked to me about their relationship problems, and this principle came up over and over again: What you focus on, grows. The energy you give is the energy you attract back . Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3  , 4 , 5 Perhaps this sounds obvious, but most people seem oblivious to it. For example, most people don't think their spouse is perfect. Most people have something about their spouse (or family member, friend, colleague, etc.) that they'd like them to change. What method do they use?   They complain or criticize. Then the other person gets defensive and argues back. And then the two people just blame each other for being stubborn and inconsiderate. It's a negative cycle. We don't realize that by complaining and criticizing, we are giving them negative energy, and that negative energy attracts negative energy from the other person in the form of defensiveness and opposition. On the other hand, if we can tolerate people's shortcomings, they won't feel so much pressure around us, as if we're always judging them, and they won't automatically be on guard around us, as if waiting to refute another complaint from us. This kind of relationship lacks trust, and it's very tiring for both people. If we can tolerate others' shortcomings and often look for their good points, and then praise their good points, they will feel comfortable and happy around us, and they'll be motivated to grow those good points. That's a positive cycle.   Another key insight is that we need to cultivate our mind such that when others give us negative energy, we don't unconsciously fall into negativity ourselves and instinctively return negative energy back to them. We have to maintain awareness of our emotional state and consciously choose to return positive energy to them.   For example, when others complain about us or criticize us, rather than complain back that they should first understand our situation, that they got the facts wrong, that they shouldn't exaggerate, etc., we need to first notice our emotional state. Are we in a state of negative energy, such as anger or annoyance? If so, we need to remember that speaking in a state of negative energy will only attract more negative energy from them and ourselves.   Then we need to choose to give positive energy, such as appreciation and humility. Even if we don't feel a lot of positive energy in that moment, we can at least speak what we know a person with positive energy would say, and that will bring out our positive energy. For example, we can say, " I'm sorry for making you upset. That's certainly not my intention, but the result is that you are upset, and I'm sorry for that. I appreciate you trying to communicate with me about this matter, and I want us to both be happy and harmonious. I'm sure we can solve this matter with some communication."   When they receive this caring, humble, and calm energy from us, they will be influenced too. Apology attracts apology, and appreciation attracts appreciation. They might say, "OK, well I appreciate that. Maybe I overreacted a bit." On the other hand, if we had said, "You're overreacting!"  They would definitely argue and say, "No I'm not!"   If we want to resolve conflicts, someone has to become conscious and return negative energy with positive energy. What others do is outside our control, so we have to request ourselves, not others. For more on this topic, check out the article What You Focus On Grows .   3: Human nature is inherently good. Our beliefs about human nature are very important for at least two reasons: for our self-esteem, and for our interpersonal relationships. If we believe human nature is good, then we also believe that we ourselves are good, and we'll have a better sense of self-esteem. We wouldn't think thoughts like, "I'm not like others. I'm terrible. I'm trash." As for relationships, when we believe human nature is good, we'll naturally look for other people's goodness, and as mentioned earlier, what you focus on, grows!   In the sinology program I took this past year, I learned about the ancient Chinese philosopher Mencius and his theory on why human nature is good. I found it to be very insightful, convincing, and useful. I explain his theory in detail in my article Why Human Nature Is Good And Its Significance , but I'll just mention some key points here.   Firstly, Mencius argues that human nature is good in that every person has what he calls "the four sprouts". These are the natural feelings of compassion, of modesty, of right and wrong, and of shame when doing wrong, and they are not obtained from the outside or via thinking. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 For example, if we see a young child about to fall into a well, we'd naturally feel a sense of apprehension and want to save that child. That's the natural feeling of compassion. In that split moment, we're not thinking about gaining favor from the child's parents or praise from neighbors. If we didn't even try to save that child, we'd feel haunted by our conscience. If we did save the child and others praised us for it, we would think that our behavior was just the natural and right thing to do; it's nothing to brag about.   Secondly, Mencius explains that people do immoral things because of environmental influences and a lack of moral education, but their four sprouts of goodness will always be there and can be drawn out through virtuous role models and education. So if we want others to be more kind, more humble, or more moral, then we need to set a good example for them. When they see our good role modeling, their sprouts of goodness will grow. But if we are impatient and insensitive towards them, then that's setting a bad role model, and their sprouts of goodness will be suppressed.   Thirdly, these sprouts of goodness are just that: sprouts. They need nurturing to become a strong motive force. We can nurture the four sprouts by paying attention to them, holding onto them in our mind, acting on them, and undergoing moral education. In terms of sequence, we should start by cultivating our sense of love and respect towards the people closest to us first (parents and siblings), then extend outwards towards the rest of the world. This effort is worth it because cultivating goodness gives us peace of mind and an easy conscience. This echoes the first part on selflessness and true happiness.   In summary, everyone has the potential (sprouts) for goodness. The question is whether we nurture those sprouts.   4: TCM Lifestyle Tips One of my highlights of the year was in the summer when I had the opportunity to visit my Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) doctor at her family's Chinese medicine hospital in Inner Mongolia for a week. During that time, I got to shadow her and other doctors, ask lots of questions, and try out all the various Chinese medicine treatments offered at the hospital.   I also interviewed many doctors in different departments at the hospital, and I asked them about the most common problems they see in patients and how we can prevent them. I wrote about their advice in the article Health Advice From Doctors At A Chinese Medicine Hospital , but I'll summarize their advice here: Posture is very important for our neck and back. Practice good posture. After sitting down for a while, get up and do some quick neck and shoulder exercises. Exercise enough. Avoid having AC blow directly onto your skin, especially the neck and upper back. Eat a healthy and balanced diet suitable for your body constitution . Healthy emotions are key to a healthy body. Manage negative emotions, cultivate positive emotions, and nurture good relationships.   Icon Sources: 1  , 2  , 3 , 4 , 5 The TCM textbook I'm reading also emphasizes the impact of emotional health on our physical health, and I wrote about it in my article  TCM: Emotions and Health . TCM explains that anger affects the liver, overstimulation affects the heart, overthinking affects the stomach, sadness affects the lungs, and fear affects the kidneys. The book advises us to nourish our mind by cultivating kindness, having a clear conscience, and reducing desires. Coincidentally (or not), these TCM advice all resonate with what ancient philosophers teach!    After learning these simple tips, I now do some quick neck and shoulder stretches whenever I take a break from working at my desk. Every day, I've also been doing 15 minutes a Chinese exercise called Baduanjin , which is kind of like a Chinese version of yoga, and it involves stretching and deep breathing. Additionally, I do 20 minutes of meditation daily to nurture peaceful emotions.   Conclusion 2024 was a leap year, and I think I managed to leap to a higher level this year. However, there's still a lot of room for improvement, so I need to maintain my momentum and keep up the effort. Onwards and upwards into 2025 we go! Weekly Wisdom #322

Image Source: 1, 2 A young girl recognized her middle school teacher on the street, and she walked up to her and said, “Teacher! Do you recognize me?” The teacher looked at the young girl and said, “Sorry, I don’t remember.” The student said, “I was in your middle school class. I’m the student that stole a classmate’s watch.” The teacher thought again and said, “I’m really sorry, I still don’t remember.” The student said, “That day, you made each student stand facing the wall with our hands covering our eyes, and then you went and searched each person’s pockets for the watch. When you found the watch in my pocket, I was extremely nervous. I thought you would scold me and my reputation would be ruined forever! But strangely, you didn’t scold me. You didn’t even say who stole the watch. You just returned the watch to the classmate and continued class as normal. All the way to graduation, you didn’t mention it. I was so relieved and grateful! Do you remember me now?" The teacher smiled and said, “Oh I remember that incident! But there’s no way I would remember you. I didn’t want to ruin any relationships among the classmates or have any negative bias towards any of my students, so I also closed my eyes when searching through my students’ pockets.” When the student heard this, all she could do was cry and give the teacher a big hug of appreciation. Commentary We all make mistakes. When we make a mistake, do we want others to scold and criticize us angrily? Probably not. Yet when others make a mistake, how do we treat them? If we don't treat others with kindness when they make a mistake, how can we expect others to treat us nicely when we make a mistake? Thus, a happier relationship and a better world all starts with us practicing the Golden Rule: "Treat others the way you want to be treated." Moreover, when others make a mistake, do we keep thinking about their wrong? When we keep thinking about their wrong, who suffers? To put other people's wrongs in our precious mind is like bringing other people's garbage into our private bedroom. That's quite absurd, isn't it? Thus, this teacher didn't even want to know who stole the watch, because he did not want to put anyone's garbage into his mind. If you are like me, you might get very upset at people's unreasonableness. Sometimes, I think, "I was absolutely reasonable, and they are being totally unreasonable here. I can't stand it!" OK, but even if they are wrong, we don't need to keep criticizing them in our mind. We can choose to forgive them and give them the opportunity to improve. After all, isn't that how we wish to be treated? Besides, everyone is trying their best to do what they think is right. No one purposely tries to be wrong or stupid. When we remember this, we can feel more compassion and kindness towards others. If we can always treat others the way we want to be treated, with kindness, then we will have happier relationships and contribute to a better world. And who knows, you just might change someone's life like that teacher! Weekly Wisdom #226

This past year, I had the great fortune of meeting a wise person named Rudy, and we've become good friends. In honor of his birthday, I wanted to share some important life lessons I learned from him. Image Source Although I learned many insightful things from Rudy, the four biggest ones that come to mind are Reliance on virtuous friends The root of filial piety Don't do things for other people's approval Seek a mentor 1: Reliance on Virtuous Friends The first thing I learned from him is the importance of having virtuous friends that you can count on. We met at a summer workshop about sinology, which is basically ancient Chinese philosophy on how to be a good person. Most people from the workshop were from China, and he and I were of the few people who weren't. After the workshop, he reached out to me, saying that he noticed I seem very enthusiastic about Chinese philosophy, and he wanted to connect because it is hard for those of us outside of China to find friends who share this interest. Looking back, I realized that he reached out mainly to me to help me. He already has lots of friends who study sinology that he can talk to. So I am extremely grateful that he reached out to me. His enthusiasm and regular chats with me helped me stay on this wise and joyful path. Rudy often tells me a common Chinese saying that goes, "The spectators can see things more clearly than the players of the game." (當局者迷，旁觀者清） The idea is that we need to ask rational observers for advice when we are lost in a problem. When others have a problem and ask us for help, we are great at giving advice because we don't have any emotional baggage towards that situation. Yet when WE have that exact same problem, we become confused and act irrationally due to our emotional baggage. For example, I recently wrote a rejection message to someone. I checked it with Rudy, and he said, you should give the other person an alternative option since you are rejecting them. I thought, "Oh yeah! I thought maybe the alternative is obvious to this person, but I should still say it just to show my consideration." It seems obvious to a rational observer, but as the person facing the emotional burden of the situation, I neglected it. Aside from reminding us what we might already know, virtuous friends also help us see things we don't realize. The Record of Education said: "Learning alone without any friends leads to loneliness, shallow understanding, and lack of good sense." (Original text: 獨學而無友，則孤陋而寡聞) As a beginner enthusiast of Chinese philosophy, I was very eager to learn and apply those learnings in my life. But I often encountered difficulties in practice. Then I would ask Rudy, and he would help me have a deeper understanding and improve my good sense. #2 and #3 below are examples. 2: The root of filial piety Filial piety means being respectful and loving to parents, and it is the foundation of Confucianism. It is so important because if a person cannot even treat their parents well, how can they truly treat others well? When I was trying to practice filial piety, I was struggling with not arguing back when my mother criticized me. I felt like I was forcing myself to not speak and explain myself, which felt uncomfortable. Rudy then asked me, what is the root of filial piety? I didn’t know. He told me, "The root of filial piety is gratitude towards the people that gave you the most." For most of us, that is our parents. For orphans, their parents did not raise them. The orphanage staff raised them. Then being filial means treating those orphanage staff respectfully and lovingly because you are grateful to them. The focus is on your feeling of gratitude, not necessarily on any specific action. He helped me realize that I was struggling to be filial to my mother because I didn't reflect enough on how much gratitude I should feel towards her. So even if she said something that wasn't completely correct, I shouldn’t use a judgmental attitude to correct her. I should yield because I don't want her to be unhappy after all the effort she has put in to make me have a happy life. When the time is right, I can explain to her in a calm and warm tone of voice. When I understood filial piety better, I was much more able to practice it. 3: Don't do things for other people's approval There was a period of time when I got really busy, and I became very annoyed all the time. Specifically, I signed up for a couple of classes back in autumn of last year, when I had more free time. But due to some new opportunities, I had less free time, but I still insisted on attending these classes because I felt bad for leaving those teachers before the whole course was over. I thought those teachers might think I don't like their course. When I told Rudy about this, he told me I need to learn how to select priorities, and I should not be doing things for other people's approval. He helped me reflect: Do those classes and teachers actually need me to continue? No. Am I making the best use of my time by attending those classes, or would focusing on these new opportunities be better? The new opportunities. Would good teachers try to hold back their students from a better opportunity? No. After reflecting on these questions and answers, I communicated with my teachers for those two classes and told them I have new things that I need to do, so I can no longer attend their classes, but I really appreciate all these months. Those teachers told me they were happy for me and appreciated my attendance. 4: Seek a Mentor I am a very studious person, and I spend my free time learning sinology because I enjoy it so much. As I mentioned before, when I had points of confusion, I would ask Rudy, and he would help me understand. When he replied me, he often told me that he learned a lot from his mentor. He noticed I was studying very diligently by myself, so he asked me, "I feel like you really want to learn sinology. Why haven't you sought out a mentor or ask to learn from my mentor? After all, if you really want to learn, you need to take the initiative to ask a more experienced teacher to teach you, just like how if you want to apply for a company, you need to take initiative to network with the people working there." I replied, "Honestly, the thought just never crossed my mind that I could ask your mentor to teach me. But also, I have so many videos to watch still. Shouldn't I finish my self-learning materials first before seeking a teacher? It's just like if I have a question, I should first google it before I bother a busy expert, right?" He replied, "Of course it's good that you don't want to waste other people's time, but if you truly care about advancing on this path, you would take initiative to get a mentor. Plus, a mentor can guide you and tell you if what you are studying is suitable for you. You'll avoid a lot of mistakes with the guidance of a mentor. It's just like how when you teach your students, you know right away their problems are and how to fix them. They would advance so much faster with your guidance. The same is true for you if you get a mentor." His analogy really helped me see the need to seek out a mentor, and I asked how I could learn from his mentor. He then helped me join a weekly Chinese philosophy discussion group hosted by his mentor, and I've learned so much since then. Whenever I asked questions, this teacher would give extremely insightful answers that there's no way I could've thought of myself or understood from online videos. If he hadn't guided me to seek out a mentor, I would've wasted so much more of my life feeling my way around a dark room. Conclusion Happy birthday Rudy! Thanks for your wise teachings, and may we continue to advance our cultivation together!