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Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 In the past few weeks, I had a few misunderstandings with my mom that led to me explaining myself, which only worsened the conflict. It's quite ironic how the more I try to explain myself, the more others think I'm wrong. Although I know that explaining myself usually did not lead to good results in the past, it's just so hard to resist that urge, otherwise I'd feel wrongfully treated. After each time, I reflected on how to prevent the same problem next time. I've tried things like " Treat others the way you want to be treated ", but I think if I unfairly criticize someone, I would want them to tell me. So I start explaining myself, and then it goes downhill. " Be strict with yourself and lenient with others ", but it's quite hard to happily accept the feeling of being wrongfully treated. " Remember karma. If you argue with others, others will argue with you. " But I tell myself that I'm not arguing, I'm just providing a logical explanation, and I don't mind if others critique my logic calmly. So then I start explaining myself, and things get worse from there. Eventually, I went on the Weekly Wisdom Blog to look for advice from past blog posts, and I came across Why Bad Guys Get Along . In it was a quote that sparked hope in me: "Wise people fight for the blame. Stupid people fight to be right." (Original text: 贤人争罪。愚人争理。) I want to be a wise person, not a stupid person. I realized that I am quite stupid for thinking that explaining myself this time will be different from the previous times where it has never worked. I told myself I have to remember this quote the next time I feel unfairly criticized, and I indeed had some success. The Incident One time, my mom put some clothes out to hang dry in the backyard. She had an online class from 2PM to 4PM, and I told her that it might rain around 4PM according to my weather app. She said, " Oh? My app says it won't rain until 8PM. But anyway, my class will end at 4PM, so if it rains before then, can you get it? " I said, " Sure. " I finished going for a run, showering, and washing my clothes at 3:50PM. It was still sunny outside, so I thought maybe my mom's app is more accurate, so I put my clothes outside to dry in the sun. Then I started working on my computer at a desk near the backyard door. Around 4:30, I was very focused on my work, and then my mom passed by my desk and went to the backyard. I thought she was checking out the garden. Then she started bringing in the clothes. I thought she was just bringing in the clothes before it rains, so I continued focusing on my work. After a short while, I saw a pile of stuff by the door, such that it might be hard for my mom to come back in the house, so I went to help out. Then I found out it started raining already. Later, she complained and said, " I know it's good to be focused when you work, but I was kind of annoyed when you ignored me bringing all the clothes and blankets in. Why didn't you take initiative to come help me bring all the stuff in? " I was really tempted to say, "What! How am I wrong here? I was going to bring the stuff in at 4PM, but it was sunny, and you said it wouldn't rain until 8PM, so I even put my clothes out. I didn't know it was raining at 4:30, so it's not like I purposely did not want to help. Why do you assume I don't want to help? Plus, you were already finished class at that point, so I thought I could leave it to you if it did rain, so I focused on my work." But I stopped myself and reminded myself that only stupid people argue to be right. If I want to be a wise person, I should just take the blame. I really had to swallow that uncomfortable feeling of taking the blame when I really didn't think it was fair, but I did it. I said, "OK. Well, I saw the sun at 4PM, so I thought maybe it won't rain for a while like your app said, but it's my fault for taking a risk like that since my phone said it would rain at 4PM. Next time, I should be more cautious and not take unnecessary risks." Then my mom said, "OK I guess I shouldn't have said that it would rain at 8PM." Then the matter was over. If I had explained my whole strain of reasons, I would be blaming my mom, which would make her feel defensive, and we might get into a whole dispute about who should bear the blame. I've been through that routine many times in the past, and I never felt happier afterwards. This time, although it was very uncomfortable for a short moment to swallow my logic and just accept being misunderstood, I was relieved that no argument arose. When I became calmer later, I tried to imagine things from my mom's perspective. In her mind, it was obvious that it's raining. It didn't occur to her that maybe I didn't see it was raining. Given that assumption, her complaint seems reasonable. I've also made wrong assumptions in the past, so I shouldn't be upset at her for making the same mistakes that I make. Later, my mom also apologized for criticizing me instead of calmly asking my perspective first. I guess she calmed down and reflected on herself too. Isn't it so ironic that when I no longer desire to be right, the other person apologies? But if I kept insisting that I'm right and they're wrong, then they would feel defensive and would never admit it. Indeed, taking the blame was the wise thing to do. Conclusion We'll probably all face situations where others unfairly criticize us or misunderstand us. Trying to defend ourselves or argue that we are right rarely ever yields good results (unless the other person wants you to debate with them). Despite knowing this, it is still quite hard to just accept the unfair treatment. If you are able to be considerate and humble and see things from their perspective in the moment, then that's amazing. I'm not at that level yet, so I need some way to help stop myself from arguing, and I found this quote to be useful: " Wise people fight for the blame. Stupid people fight to be right. " It might feel hard to swallow at first, but we'll be relieved afterwards because a conflict was prevented. Once we are calm, we can reflect on the situation better and see things from their perspective. Weekly Wisdom #246

As many of you know, I'm been working on the virtue of humility for a while. After all, no one likes an arrogant person, and an arrogant person makes lots of enemies. On the other hand, we all like humble people and prefer to help a humble person. Before, I always thought of arrogant people as those who are full of themselves, look down on others, and say mean things about people. Recently, I learned that being too sure of yourself can also appear arrogant. As a person who always emphasizes logic, this can be a problem for me. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 A Cautionary Story A few months ago, an English teacher asked me to observe his English class and give some feedback. When I observed his class, I noticed many problems. I realized he had not received professional training on teaching English as a second language like I did, and that he must have been making all these mistakes for the past year without even knowing it. When I gave him constructive criticism, he was quite resistant and argued that my advice might not be applicable to his class. Being a very logic-driven person, I then argued that these points aren't even my advice, these are industry best practices that come from veteran English teachers who have decades of experience, and I learned them from my supervisors during my years working as an English teacher in China. He was still unconvinced and asked me to demonstrate these advice by teaching his class a couple of times. After I demonstrated two lessons, we chatted again, and he was more convinced than before, but he still doubted whether or not he could do it. However, he was humble in that he tried to make changes and asked me for further guidance. In the next few weeks, he started to understand the industry best practices more, and he improved a lot. His students also gave him great feedback, and he grew more confident in his abilities. Later, I was talking to a friend, who also happened to be that teacher's brother. We chatted about my experience advising his brother, and he told me, " While it is true that my brother might have a sensitive ego, you cannot neglect the fact that you were a bit arrogant in this matter. " I was kind of surprised and asked him to explain. He said, " My brother told me that the feeling you gave him was that you are definitely and obviously right, and that what he has been doing is very wrong. Of course, I know that you probably didn't intend to make him feel dumb, but when you sound so sure that you are right, you imply that others are dumb for not agreeing with you. " I said, " OK…So, what am I supposed to do then? Downplay my advice as not being right for sure? But I want him to take the advice seriously and not keep making those mistakes, which is bad for him and his students. Besides, the advice isn't even my advice. It's industry best practices that I learned from veteran teachers. I wasn't trying to make it seem like I'm a know-it-all, I was just trying to teach him basics that any English teacher would learn if we got professional training. " My friend replied, " OK, think about it this way. Are industry best practices fixed in stone? Were the industry best practices 100 years ago the same as today? Do you think they'll be the same 100 years from now? So even if you say this is not your advice, that it's the industry best practices, you still should not be so overly-confident. You can be more humble in presenting the advice by saying, ' This is just the best advice that I have to offer, but it may not be the best. You can consider it if you like. ' Besides, a humble person never tries to be above others, but rather tries to help others rise above them. If your intention was truly to help my brother as opposed to ' teaching ' him, then you would be more sensitive and soft in your manner of giving advice. " My friend added an analogy, " You know when someone buys a product, and they think it's the best thing in the world? Then they tell you, ' This is the best thing in the world! You gotta buy it too! ' How would you feel? We kind of feel like, ' Woah there. Calm down. Back off. ' Right? So when we give others advice, we should be humble and not so forceful. " I understood his point and said, " I get it now. Don't be so forceful and overly confident that my advice is definitely great. Otherwise, others might feel like I'm arrogant or pushy. If I truly want the best for others, I would be more considerate and deliver my advice in a softer, humbler way that they could more easily accept. At the very least, their ego wouldn't feel attacked. And if I am truly humble, I wouldn't demand them to follow my advice, because I wouldn't think my advice is the best thing in the world anyway. They know their situation best, so they have the right to choose whether or not my advice is applicable to them. " An Exemplary Story Aside from that experience, I also met a great role model who demonstrated this exact point of being humble when giving advice. As many of you know, I'm really into Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) because it's simple, mostly free, and convenient to do at home. Recently, I had the honor of meeting the doctor that I first started learning TCM from online. She was delighted to know that I love learning about TCM and that I benefited a lot from practicing her teachings at home. I asked her for some guidance regarding my mother's health situation. I first reported my thoughts based on what I've learned from her lectures and a TCM textbook that I've been reading, then I asked her for advice. She gave me some advice, but she ended by saying, " These are just some thoughts for you to consider. " I was quite surprised, and I wondered if she thinks I'm really knowledgeable on TCM or something, so she didn't want to be too firm in her advice? I asked her, " You're the obvious expert on this subject, I'm just a newbie, of course I will listen to your advice. Why did you say it's just some thoughts for me to consider? " She replied, " Oh, that's because compared to the ancient TCM doctors, I am far far behind them. I wouldn't want to sound too confident in my advice, as if it were that great. Moreover, TCM is very deep and complex, so we cannot be so sure of ourselves. " From her response, I reflected deeper on why we shouldn't sound so confident when we give others advice. Indeed, we are far behind the true experts in the world. Moreover, the more we learn about a topic, the more we realize how much we don't know. Thus, a true expert wouldn't sound so confident and sure of themselves, as if they are definitely right. Further Reflections As I reflect more on this topic, I have further realizations. First, the person asking about a problem might not understand their problem clearly. In that case, the advice you give wouldn't be helpful because they didn't even understand their problem to begin with. If you sound too confident, then they might blame you for giving bad advice. For example, a teacher asked me how to help his students remember grammar rules. If I didn't know any better, I might give some advice for teaching grammar, but the result wouldn't be great because people simply cannot remember grammar rules that fast. Fortunately, I knew better, so I told him, " The important thing is to adjust your expectations towards the students and to be more patient. They need more time and review to remember grammar rules. " But when others ask me a question, how can I know for sure that I see the root of their problem? Thus, I can't be so sure of myself when giving advice. Second, the person listening to your advice might not fully understand your advice. If you sound too cocky when giving the advice, they might not want to ask their points of confusion in fear of seeming dumb for not understanding you the first time. When they follow their misunderstanding of your advice and get bad results, they blame you for giving bad advice. Third, there really is no one-size-fits-all solution. Just because something worked for me doesn't mean it will work for others. Principles are always true, but methods vary from situation to situation. For example, a principle of teaching is to help students gain confidence. But the method of doing that can vary from teacher to teacher, and there is no one right way to do it. Fourth, even this "rule" of not being so confident in your speech is not an absolute rule that should be applied to every situation. I've reflected that it is most important when the trust level is not high yet. In the examples mentioned prior, I wasn't too familiar with that English teacher, so I shouldn't sound so confident when giving him advice. That TCM Doctor isn't too familiar with me or my mother's situation, so she can't be too sure that her advice is suitable. But my friend who told me that I was being arrogant was very firm in his advice because he knows me well, and he knows I trust him. I remember when I first met my mentor and asked for advice, he was very humble and soft when giving advice. Now that he knows me well, he is much more direct and firm when giving me advice. Conclusion There's a Chinese saying that goes, "Arrogance brings harm. Humility brings benefit." Arrogance is not merely just looking down on others or saying mean things about others. Being too sure of ourselves or being too forceful in our advice can also be a form of arrogance. To prevent this problem, we can remember There are many experts who can give far better advice than us. Everyone's situation is complicated, and I probably don't know the ins and outs of their situation, and they might not either. Just because something worked for me doesn't mean it will work for someone else. The deeper our understanding of something, the more we realize we don't know. If I truly want them to succeed, I would be more encouraging and warm rather than judgmental towards their problems. In the future, when giving advice to someone with whom the trust level is not high yet, I will say, " These are just some of my thoughts for you to consider. You know your situation best, so you can decide whether or not it's useful for you. " Weekly Wisdom #249

Have you ever done something with good or neutral intentions, but it didn't turn out so well? Perhaps others got annoyed or misunderstood you. Or perhaps you unintentionally created trouble for others. Icon sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 We are all human, so we all make mistakes. The important thing is to learn from them. In addition to learning from our own mistakes, we can also learn from other people's mistakes. I'll share some of mine here to help you avoid the same mistakes： Don't give away things without permission If you're doing something for someone, check with them before and after Don't publicly ask questions that the person cannot answer Consider other people's ability before asking them to do something 1: Don't give away things without permission This past week, I was out in my garden with my mother. A neighbor came over to give my mother some seeds. My mother was delighted, and as always, she went to pick some garden vegetables for the visitor. Seeing my mom always fond of giving gifts, I thought I should follow her example. She was picking fresh celery for the visitor, and I remembered she picked some tomatoes earlier in the day. I said, "How about I get a couple tomatoes that you picked earlier?" She didn't reply. Since the visitor already heard me mention the tomatoes, it felt awkward if I didn't get it for him, so I went to get a couple tomatoes. After he left, my mother told me, " Earlier I told grandpa that those tomatoes were for him. " Suddenly, I understood why my mother didn't reply earlier. It would be awkward for her to say, "No, don't give tomatoes to the neighbor. Those are for grandpa." But she also can't say yes. So she didn't say anything. I then reflected on how to avoid the same mistake next time. In the future, if I know a visitor is coming, I can check with my mom beforehand about what gift she wants to give. If the visitor came without prior notice, then I shouldn't offer any gifts; instead, I should let my mom offer the gifts. This way, I won't accidentally mention something that she doesn't want to give away. If there is something I think she can give, but she didn't give it, I can ask my mom about it after the guest leaves. Either my mom says, "No, I don't want to give that," in which case not saying anything was smart, or my mom says "Oh yeah we should give that!" in which case we can still give it to the guest later. This actually happened another time, when my mother's friend came over. As usual, my mother went to get a bunch of garden vegetables for her friend. We had just gotten a box of mooncakes from a neighbor, so I was thinking my mom might want to give those mooncakes to the visitor. But the whole time, my mother never mentioned it. I didn't say anything just in case mom had other plans for the mooncake. After the visitor left, I asked my mom about it, and she said, "Oh yeah, I forgot!" I said, "Well, this situation is better than if I had mentioned the mooncakes and you didn't actually want to give them. Besides, you gave her so much garden vegetables already, forgetting the mooncakes is hardly a problem." 2: If you're doing something for someone, check with them before and after Usually, my mother cooks breakfast. One day, I noticed my mom didn't cook breakfast at the usual time. I thought perhaps she was still busy finishing up her morning reading. I happened to be free, so I decided to cook. I saw that there wasn't much food in the fridge, so I cooked some noodles. Later, my mom came and said, "Huh, why did you cook noodles? There's enough leftovers from yesterday for breakfast." I said, "Really? I checked the fridge and didn't see much." She then opened the fridge and showed me that there were leftovers at the back behind a bag of vegetables. I realized that I could have prevented this trouble if I had simply checked with my mom if I should cook breakfast or not instead of assuming that she forgot or was too busy. Another time, I tried cooking a new kind of potato pancake. I thought it was pretty good and wanted to cook more. But I remembered to check with my mom to see if she likes it. She said it's OK, but she prefers regular pancakes. It's a good thing I asked, or else she might feel awkward to say that she doesn't like it that much, and I would have made a lot more potato pancakes. I heard a term called " loving you without your permission, " which refers to when people do something that they think is good for others, but the receiver does not want it. For example, a parent forces their child to take art classes when the child really has no interest in art. This is a lack of consideration and empathy on the giver's part. If I had cooked more potato pancakes for my mom without asking her if she likes it, I would have committed " loving you without your permission. " 3: Don't publicly ask questions that the person cannot answer In the course I'm taking, our class leader often communicates things to us on behalf of our professor. Recently, she was explaining to us how to submit our assignment online. We have to submit in two places: draft and final copy. Originally, we were told that we can submit multiple times in the draft location to check the plagiarism score, but it turns out we can only submit once. I asked, "What's the point of submitting to the rough copy if we can't submit multiple times? Maybe we should check with the school to see if there's an error with the website?" She said, "Yeah I don't know either. OK." Afterwards, I felt I might have made her look bad in front of the class because I asked a question that she couldn't answer. My intention was neutral, but my lack of consideration and sensitivity resulted in making her look bad. In the future, I should make sure that my question is one that the person can actually answer. If not, I should ask in private, not in front of the whole class. Also, I should be more polite and humble when I ask. For example, I could have said, "It seems strange that we cannot submit multiple times. Could I trouble you to check with the school and see if it's an error on their side?" 4: Consider other people's ability before asking them to do something It's Teacher's Day next week, and I was thinking of getting some classmates together to create a collective gift. I felt like our teacher would be happy to see us classmates working together. But the idea I had in mind requires quite a bit of time from each person. I thought about it, and my classmates are all very busy people, and it would be quite awkward if even one person couldn't commit. I remember this actually happened to me before. Another classmate wanted all of us to make a video together for a teacher, and it was really rushed too. The thing is, if a few people do it, it's very awkward if the remaining classmates don't join, so we're kind of pressured into doing it. I don't want to give pressure to other people, so I decided to not suggest this idea. I heard another story related to this topic. One time, a person told a monk, "The next time you guys have a charitable project, let me know. I want to donate." A few months later, the monk found out his master had a charitable project to do. He was about to call that person, but his master stopped him and said, "Wait. Are you trying to collect a debt?" He was utterly confused and said, "Master, this person told me a few months ago that she wants to contribute to the next charitable project. It's her wish." The master said, "I know you think you are keeping a promise, but think about it. It's been a few months. Maybe back then, she had money that she wanted to donate. But after these few months, it's very possible that she might have already used the money elsewhere. If you call her now and ask her to donate, and she doesn't have that money anymore, then you will cause a lot of embarrassment for her." The monk said, "I understand now. I'll wait for her to call me then." Conclusion It's great to have good intentions, but we must remember that good intentions alone are not enough to produce good results. We need to have wisdom and consideration. We are all human, so we will all make mistakes. There's no need to frustrate over our mistakes. As long as we learn from them each time, we will grow in wisdom. And before we do anything that we think is good, we should always consider the impact on others and how they might feel, and it's usually better to check with them before and after the matter. Do you have any experiences where your good intentions didn't lead to good results? What did you learn? Weekly Wisdom #256

Icon Sources: 1 , 2 A while back, someone told me about a conflict she said with her sister. She said that she is normally a kind and patient person, but her sister is extremely rude and unreasonable towards her. During a family vacation, her sister kept getting on her nerves, and eventually, she had an angry outburst at her sister. Later, she felt bad and guilty about her angry outburst, and she asked for my thoughts. I asked her if she loves her parents. She said she loves them dearly. I told her that what parents want most is for their children to be harmonious together. No one is perfect; we all have our faults and bad habits, but family should not be a place for blame and argument. Family should be a place for support, acceptance, and unity. A while later, she told me she finally apologized, and she felt such a big relief after. I admire her for being able to apologize even though her sister was the unreasonable one. I've tried to force myself to apologize even though I firmly believed that the other person is at fault, and it really isn't easy. A Key To Happiness I really admire the Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius, who said, "Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself." At first glance, it seems like being strict with myself and tolerant towards others is really tiring and unfair. But after practicing it, I've come to realize that people who always demand others to be proper and reasonable will have a miserable life. Why? First, they are always looking for people's faults, so their mind is full of negative energy. Second, they often criticize other people, which hurts their relationships. Negative relationships and arguments are a big source of misery. On the other hand, people who are strict with themselves but tolerant towards others will have a joyful life. First, they gain the joy of constant self-improvement. If others don't behave well, it's because they don't have any good role models around. Since I'm around them all the time, that means I need to set a better role model. I also need to cultivate virtues like patience and wisdom to inspire them to improve, not nag them. When we are strict with ourselves, we will use this seemingly unfavorable situation to improve our virtues, which then reaps the joy of self-improvement. Moreover, since we are tolerant towards others, we will have happy relationships, which is a great source of joy. Cultivation Starts In The Family I also really admire Confucius, who said, "Those who love their family wouldn't hate others. Those who respect their family wouldn't scorn others…When taught filial piety, people will respect all parents in the world. When taught siblinghood, people will respect all siblings in the world." (Original Text: 愛親者，不敢惡於人；敬親者，不敢慢於人…教以孝，所以敬天下之為人父者也。教以悌，所以敬天下之為人兄者也。) Note: Filial piety means having a heart of love, respect, and gratitude towards parents. Siblinghood is the same but towards siblings. In other words, the best and most natural place to cultivate virtues like love and respect is at home in the family. After all, we interact with our family members the most, so we are our true selves with them. Sometimes, people treat those outside the family better than those inside the family. In that case, it's because they have an ego and want to put on a good image in front of others. Or it's because they want something from the other person. That's not real or sincere goodness. Truly good people will definitely treat the people closest to them with love and respect. Moreover, it's very natural to have love in the family due to the blood relationship, so it's the easiest place to cultivate love and respect. Hence, family is naturally a place for mutual support, understanding, and unity. When one person has trouble, the family takes it on together without blame. When one person has good fortune, the family rejoices together. When we can cultivate this kind of attitude in the family, we can then extend it towards groups outside the family, such as at work. If we've lost this natural love and harmony in our family, then we need to find a way to recover that. My Experience I remember when I was young, I had a good relationship with my parents, especially my mother. But in my late teens, I cared a lot more about what my peers thought of me, and I felt my mother didn't understand my struggles. I chased things like material pleasures and status, and my mother criticized me a lot, which made me distance from her even more. A few years ago, I started learning Confucianism, and I learned that filial piety is the most important virtue . I also heard an important proverb: "When the family is in harmony, everything else will flourish." (Original Text: 家和萬事興。) I reflected on all the unhappiness and "bad luck" in my life, and I realized that my conflict with my mother accounted for a large majority. Over the next few years, I worked on myself to be more respectful and considerate towards my mother. Rather than being strict with her and demanding her to understand me, to not criticize me, to be more wise, I instead demanded myself to be more understanding towards her, to accept her criticisms and actually act on them, to improve my own wisdom. By letting go of my demands towards her, I naturally become more tolerant towards her, and eventually, she became more understanding and tolerant towards me. I learned that if we demand others to be good, and we often criticize them for not being good enough, they will feel negative and resist. But if we let go of demands and set a good role model, eventually, they will feel ashamed of their bad behavior and willingly improve themselves on their own accord. This is the natural and long-term way to help others improve. A few weeks ago, I wrote an article titled Notice People's Good Intentions . Once I started noticing and feeling my mother's good intentions, I felt like I recovered a lot of the innate love between parent and child. I was also able to feel other people's good intentions, and I naturally respected and appreciated other people more as well. But I still have to work to maintain this state of love and respect. If I don't consciously work on it every day, it's easy to regress back to old habits. For example, a couple weeks ago, my mom couldn't find her cellphone. Since she has a bad habit of not putting things back in their proper place, my first thought was, " You probably moved it and forgot to put it in its proper place again… " I then used my phone to call her phone. We heard the phone vibrating, but we couldn't find it. I started to get frustrated and impatient. My mom noticed and said, " It's OK, don't get frustrated. " Eventually, we found it. It was in a high cabinet. It turns out my mom had to get something from a briefcase in that cabinet, and she accidentally put the phone in the briefcase. My mom said, "Wow I don't know why I did that. I'm sorry." I said, "It's OK. I'm sure you'll improve after this incident." Later, I reflected on why I got frustrated and impatient. I think part of the reason is because I could hear the phone but I couldn't find it. But another reason is because I still held feelings of blame towards my mom, and I demand her to not make the same mistake multiple times. If I were more tolerant and respectful, my first thought would be " Don't worry mom, I'll help you find it no matter how long it takes. " A week later, my mom couldn't find her phone again. She said, " I'm really sorry. I know I just lost the phone last week, but I can't find it again. " This time, I had the awareness to do better than last time. I told my mom, " Well, it might not be you who misplaced it. It might be me. I remember I used it last night. But it doesn't even matter who misplaced it. We're in this together, and we'll find it together. " I called her phone, and again, we heard it vibrating, but we couldn't find it. It wasn't in the high cabinet. Later, we found it in a random drawer. My mom absent-mindedly put it there and forgot. But I didn't blame her this time because we are family. In fact, I am thankful for the incident because it strengthened our sense of family unity. Conclusion Nowadays, a lot of families have a many conflicts. People are tolerant with themselves but strict and critical towards family members. Naturally, they treat those outside the family the same way, resulting in conflicts in the greater society. If we want society to be more peaceful and prosperous, we need to start by making our families a place of harmony and peace, and that means being strict with ourselves but tolerant, loving, and respectful towards family members. This will create a harmonious and supportive family atmosphere, which is not only important for world peace, but also extremely important for our own happiness. As the proverb goes, "When the family is in harmony, everything else will flourish." Weekly Wisdom #257

Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 Last week, I wrote about the " Grandma is afraid you're hungry " situation. There's another problem I encountered here at my grandma's. Basically, before my mother and I arrived, my grandma was living by herself. When she got injured and couldn't move very well, she paid her neighbors money every month to cook and clean the house.   After we came, my grandma asked them to only deliver one meal a day. I asked, " Why not just let them stop delivering altogether? We can cook three meals. " She said, " Because they are rather poor and really need the money. If I don't let them deliver food at all, they will feel bad for taking my money. " We supported grandma's decision. But the thing is, my mom and I are vegan, so my grandma told the neighbors that she wanted to eat vegan with us. The neighbors adjusted their cooking to not include meat, but sometimes, they delivered food with little dried shrimps. I think they didn't know that shrimp isn't vegan. I thought about telling them, but whenever I run into them, there's always other people, and it feels like I'm being super nitpicky if I knock on their door just to tell them to not put shrimp in the cooking.    One day, I ran into the neighbor by chance, and it was just us two. I said, "Thank you so much for taking care of my grandma and feeding us such delicious and nutritious food!"   She said, "Oh it's no problem at all! If there's anything you want to eat, please tell me."   I replied, "Oh actually I don't eat shrimp either because it's not vegan. But I don't think you knew that. Sorry I didn't communicate clearly before. Your cooking is very delicious though!"   She said, "Oh really? OK I'll know in the future, thanks for letting me know."   And that was that. Politeness and appreciation always help to reduce awkwardness.   Later, I was talking to my mentor about this situation and asked him if there are any better ways to handle such a situation. Just like in last week's article, I encourage you to pause here and think about how you might handle this situation, then compare it to what my mentor said. This will give you a deeper impression and internalize the teachings more so that you can use it in your own life.   My mentor told me: "Indeed, it's quite awkward to trouble your neighbors further after they've already gone through the trouble of cooking vegan for you. One way to do it is to buy a gift for them, and then when you deliver the gift, you can bring it up in passing. This way, you're not purely troubling them in that encounter. Moreover, you can offer to give them more money to compensate for the extra trouble of cooking vegan. This way, you show your good intentions and that you aren't just selfishly adding trouble to them."   I thought, " Wow, that's a pretty good idea! My mentor is so much more considerate than me. " In the future, I'll remember that if I need to trouble others, I should try to bring a small token of appreciation or do a small favor for them first.   Do you have any other ways to politely trouble others? If so, I'd love to hear them. Weekly Wisdom #265

Most of us would like to hear more words of affirmation, praise, and appreciation, and we dislike hearing criticisms. Given this fact, we should reflect on ourselves: do we say more words of affirmation, praise, and appreciation, or do we say more words of criticism? What goes around comes around, so it's important to treat others the way we want to be treated.   Even though most of us dislike hearing criticism, it's actually important and helpful to receive criticism. Imagine if you had a big dirty spot on your face. You cannot see it. Don't you wish other people would tell you so that you could wipe it clean? Similarly, we are all human, so we all have faults and problems. Oftentimes, it's easier for other people to see our faults. If others tell us, then we can fix our faults and become better. If they don't tell us, we keep getting harmed by our faults without even realizing it. That's why successful people are humble and appreciative of criticism.   For example, billionaire investor Ray Dalio said, "When a problem stems from your own lack of talent or skill, most people feel shame. Get over it. I cannot emphasize this enough: Acknowledging your weaknesses is not the same as surrendering to them. It's the first step toward overcoming them."   Emperor Tang, who is known as one of the best emperors in Chinese history, said "If I make others feel bad for trying to criticize me, then people would be scared to advise me in the future."   Given how important and beneficial criticism can be, we should all be aware of some do's and don'ts for criticisms: Be helpful, not hurtful. Be calm, not emotional. Be humble and cautious. Don't be too confident. Choose a good time and setting. Observe their reaction and adjust accordingly. Be patient. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 If we can follow these rules, then our criticism would be viewed as caring advice instead of venting annoyance. 1: Be helpful, not hurtful. Helpful criticism does not attack the person's character, but rather focuses on how to improve. It is kind and respectful and focuses on helping the other person. On the other hand, hurtful criticism attacks the person's character without giving any hope for the future. It is rude and damages relationships. Examples of hurtful criticism: "What's wrong with you! Your report had so many errors!" "How could you forget a promise? You're such a liar."   Examples of helpful criticism: "Your report had many small errors, and that might be because you were too rushed or unfocused. To improve next time, you should finish a draft earlier and get someone to check it before submission." "When you don’t keep a small promise, I feel hurt and doubt if I can trust you in the future. I know it was probably unintentional, but I sincerely ask you to take small promises more seriously in the future.   If you're like me, you might be thinking, "OK I get it. I want people to give me helpful criticism. But most people just complain without giving any suggestions or solutions." Yes, that's true, but this is about us, not them. If we want to be a mature person, we need to focus on setting a good example to influence others rather than hoping others will set a good example to influence us. We can be the hero of our lives, or be a victim, the choice is ours. Truly good friends, colleagues, and leaders will give us helpful constructive criticism because they want the best for us. Since like attracts like, if we want to attract these kinds of people into our lives, then we need to be someone who gives constructive criticism. 2: Be calm, not emotional. A lot of times, people will criticize when annoyed, upset, or angry. That never turns out well. Thus, it's really important for us to improve our emotional self-awareness. We need to be able to catch ourselves when we feel upset, and then stop our mouth from speaking hurtful words.   According to Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence , when we get very emotional during a difficult conversation, our heart rate will increase a lot. When this happens, both sides should take a 20 minute break. Although 5 minutes may feel enough, the actual physiological recovery time needs 20 minutes.   So if we start feeling upset and our heart rate starts rising, we can say to the other person,  "Can we talk about this later when we are both calmer? Like 20 minutes later?" or "I need to go to the bathroom"  and then do some deep breathing.   Once we are calmer, we can reflect on what exactly we are upset about and how we wish they would behave next time. This way, we can give helpful criticism instead of a hurtful one. Moreover, we should reflect on our contribution to the conflict and apologize for that first. If we can't take responsibility for our own faults, then we can't ask other people to take responsibility for their faults. If we apologize first, the other person is much more likely to reciprocate and apologize too, and the conversation can become constructive. 3: Be humble and cautious. Don't be too confident. Have you ever given logical advice in a calm manner, but the other person got annoyed at you? I have, and I was utterly confused. I later learned that it's because I seemed quite arrogant to the other person. Why? Because in my mind, I felt like I am definitely right, and he is definitely wrong, so my tone of voice naturally seemed arrogant to him.   No one likes an arrogant person. When we seem arrogant, then even if our advice is good, the other person will resist or argue simply because they don't like us. So many arguments are illogical, it's just people trying to defeat the other person because they don't like the other person's arrogant demeanor. Before we give advice or criticism, we need to inspect our intentions and beliefs. As mentioned before, our intention should be to help the other person, not to vent anger. After we are sure that our intention is to be helpful, we should inspect our beliefs. If we believe that we are definitely right, and that they are definitely wrong, then we are being arrogant and uncareful.   How? Because people are infinitely complicated, and situations are infinitely complex. There's no way we understand this person or the situation completely, so there's no way our advice is definitely right or fully suitable. When we keep this at the top of mind, we will naturally be more humble and careful in my speech and demeanor.   We should also be sensitive to their ego and not make them feel attacked. Even better is if we can make them feel good and respected. Examples of arrogant criticism: "Your method is inefficient. You should use my method." "That was a stupid decision. You need to remember XYZ next time." "Why do you always overthink everything and cause unnecessary stress?"   Examples of humble suggestions: "I noticed that your method might be a bit time consuming. I use another method that you could try. I don't know if you have specific reasons for choosing your method, or if my method will be fully suitable for you though. It's just a suggestion." "It looks like that decision didn't turn out as planned. I'm sure you thought about the decision carefully, but next time you could consider XYZ to help you make better decisions." "I admire how you carefully think about everything. I think it would be even more admirable if you can add decisiveness to your list of strengths."   By being humble, we reduce the risk of creating conflict with others. Moreover, everyone likes and wants to help humble people. 4: Choose the right time and setting. Even if we have a calm mind, a caring intention, and a humble attitude, if the timing and setting are wrong, the result will still be bad. The Chinese philosopher Kun Lu (吕坤) gave seven inappropriate situations to criticize or scold others: Don't criticize them in public Don't criticize them if they already feel remorse Don't criticize before sleep time Don’t criticize before or during meals Don't criticize when they are feeling very joyous Don't criticize if they are feeling depressed Don't criticize when they are ill I would add one more: Don't criticize when they are clearly busy or rushed for time. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 , 8 From these examples, we can see that good criticism is caring. We don't criticize people publicly because they'll feel extremely embarrassed or ashamed, and they'll resent you. But it's fine to give praise publicly. We don't criticize people if they feel remorse, depressed, or ill because what they need at that time is encouragement and hope. We don't criticize before eating or sleeping because that will ruin their appetite and make it hard for them to fall asleep. We don't criticize when they are really happy because that will ruin their good mood, and major mood swings can hurt the heart.   Ideally, we give criticism in a calm and comfortable setting. It's also preferable to give criticism in person rather than over email or message, which brings us to the next point.   5: Observe their reaction and adjust accordingly. After we've gone through the above steps, we are ready to give the criticism. Ideally, we do it in person because we want to observe their reaction. If we think "I don't want to see their reaction" , then perhaps we need to adjust ourselves. We can ask ourselves, "If I were on the receiving end of my criticism, would I feel it is a fair and kind criticism?"   Doing the above steps will help us to maximize the chances of the other person accepting our criticism happily, but there's no way to guarantee that. If we give the criticism and they start arguing, we need to adjust accordingly. Our goal is to provide a helpful suggestion or to make a humble request. Our goal is not to start an argument. We should remain humble and try to understand what we misunderstood about them or the situation.   Remember that it takes two to argue. As long as we maintain a non-confrontation attitude, even if the other person is confrontational, no argument can arise. The moment we become confrontational with them, an argument will be born. Besides, if other people criticize us, don't we want to explain ourselves? Don't we want to have a discussion about the accuracy of their criticism? Then we should be prepared for the other person to be the same when we give criticism.   6: Be patient. Again, we can reflect on ourselves. When others criticize us, are we able to happily accept it the first time? Or do we need some time to digest the feedback?   If the other person is stubborn that they are right and we are wrong, we shouldn't keep debating with them. Oftentimes, people have a sensitive ego or stubborn views, so they can't accept criticism in the moment. We should not be impatient for immediate results, or demand them to change right now. That would just annoy them, and we would be upset when they don't listen. Our goal is not to "defeat" them, but rather to say what needs to be said in the best way possible. Later, when they calm down, they'll see some truth in our words, but that takes time.   Moreover, if we truly want the best for them, we can try again in the future, when the conditions are ripe to raise this topic again. How many times we try again depends on the relationship. If we are very close to them, such as immediate family, it's worthwhile to admonish them many many times. But if the relationship is not that close, such as with friends or colleagues, then we could try three times.   Conclusion Good criticism would be viewed as caring advice, and it is one of the greatest gifts we can give and receive. Bad criticism is viewed as venting annoyance, and unfortunately is common. Before giving criticism, we should ask ourselves: Is my intention to be helpful? Or just to complain? Am I calm or emotional right now? Do I think I am better than them? Am I being arrogant? Is the time and setting suitable?   During the conversation, we need to remember that "it takes two to argue", so as long as we never get confrontational, no argument can arise. We also need to be patient and give them time to digest our feedback rather than expecting them to accept and apologize right away. Depending on the relationship, we may need to admonish many times.   The art of criticism is deep and complex, but if we can do it well, our relationships will be much better, and others will greatly appreciate us. Weekly Wisdom #271

Image Sources: 1 , 2 Have you ever talked badly about your family to others? There's a Chinese saying that goes, "Do not talk about family disgrace outside the family." (In Chinese: 家醜不可外揚)   The first time I heard this, it really intrigued me. In western culture, it seems quite normal for people to complain about their family towards others. What's the big deal? Everyone has family troubles, and it's human sentiment to want to rant to some friends once in a while, right? Is it just that family politics is more troublesome in Chinese culture? Or is there something deeper I'm not understanding here? A Friend's Experience Recently, a friend shared a story that helped me understand this saying deeper. Let's call this friend Mary. Mary's younger brother was having some conflict with their parents, and he confided in her. He also asked her to not tell their parents what he said. But out of care for her brother, she still spoke up for him to their parents. Later, his brother was actually thankful that his sister argued for him.   Another time, Mary's cousin (let's call her Ella) was having trouble with her parents, and Ella confided in Mary and also asked her to not share with others. Again, Mary, out of care for her cousin, spoke to Ella's dad. He then knew that his daughter "spread family disgrace outside the immediate family" and got upset at Ella, and Ella got upset at Mary. Mary was quite surprised by the difference in outcome as compared to her brother's situation.   I suddenly had a realization: the reason we shouldn't spread family disgrace outside the family is because it is a private matter that should be resolved within the family, and we don't want other people sharing our private matters to others without our permission.   If we extend this idea broader, it applies to other relationships too, whether it be friends or colleagues. If I have a conflict with someone, I want that person to solve that conflict with me, and I don't want that person to go around talking about our conflict with other people because they will likely skew the real situation to make me seem worse than I truly am.   Mary's brother and parents didn't get upset at her because they are all part of the same immediate family. Her brother was happy that she helped him communicate, and her parents are happy to see the older sister showing care for the younger brother.   Her cousin is technically part of a different (immediate) family. Her uncle was upset that Ella would say bad things about him towards someone outside the immediate family, thereby hurting his reputation. So what could have Mary done instead?   Well, the fact that Ella confided in her shows that Ella has trust towards her, and that's a good thing. It's fine for Mary to listen to Ella complain, and Mary can give Ella advice. But she shouldn't let Ella's dad know that Ella complained about him. She could try chatting with Ella's dad and ask questions that would make him talk about those troubles mentioned by Ella, then she can say things like, " Well, if I were your daughter, I might think… ". This way, Ella's dad doesn't know that his daughter talked to Mary, but Mary still achieved the objective of speaking up for Ella.   In fact, this method could even be used for Mary's brother. The difference is that she doesn't have to use this method for her brother since they are part of the same family, but maintaining anonymity is definitely needed if not part of the same family. This principle can be extended: people in the same organization can talk about the problems of the organization (with the purpose of improving the organization of course; not purely for complaining), but they shouldn't go around saying bad things about the organization to outsiders. Another Reason The Analects of Confucius  speaks of a story: one time, the Duke of She told Confucius, "My village has a very upright person. His father stole a sheep, and he reported him."  Confucius replied, "The upright people in my village are different: parents conceal the faults of children, and children conceal the faults of parents; uprightness is found within this."   (Original Text: 葉公語孔子曰：「吾黨有直躬者，其父攘羊，而子證之。」孔子曰：「吾黨之直者異於是。父為子隱，子為父隱，直在其中矣。」)   If we think about it, family members are the closest people to us. For the vast majority of people, family are the most loving people towards us, certainly more so than those outside the family. If we spread the faults of our family members, the people we should love and respect the most, then what does that say about our character? Doesn't that say we are the type of person that focuses on grudges instead of gratitude? That takes people's love and contributions for granted? I often advise others: If you want to know a person's true character, observe how they treat and talk about their parents. This is based on the Chinese idiom, "Of all the virtues, filial piety is the first." (In Chinese: 百善孝為先)  If a person doesn't even respect or appreciate their parents, who gave the most to them, then how can they truly respect or appreciate other people? A non-filial person would only treat someone nice if there is benefit for themselves. If you cannot help them, or if there's a conflict of interest, then they won't respect you anymore.   Going back to the idea of "don't spread family disgrace outside the family", if we talk about family disgrace towards others, not only will people have a bad impression of our family members, they will also have a bad impression on us. Moreover, if we truly love and respect our family, we would feel bad when others have a bad impression towards our family.   I remember hearing a story about a person whose brother was an alcoholic. His neighbors would say things like, "What a shame your brother is such a good-for-nothing."  He would reply, "Don't say bad things about my brothers. Don't ruin our brotherhood."  This shows that he is a person who focuses on other people's gratitude and good points. I can confidently guess that he'd try to advise his brother in private, but he wouldn't say bad things about him in public. I'd certainly rather make friends with him than someone who complains about family members. Focus on Essence Not Form By this point, there's probably a big question you might have: "Does this mean I cannot talk about the faults of my family members to anyone outside the family ever?!" If you have this question, that's great. My mentor often says that when we learn things, we have to understand the essence or principle of the teaching, and we shouldn't be overly stiff about the appearance or form. The essence of not spreading family disgrace to others is Respect people's private matters Protect people's reputation and sense of self-respect By doing this, we also protect our own reputation, but that is a side effect, not the main objective.   Therefore, it is OK to talk about your family problems with someone if your intention is to seek help for resolving the conflict. For example, I often talk about my family problems towards my mentor and wise friends. I trust that they will not share with others, and we discuss how I can solve the conflict effectively. But if I am simply ranting to friends, that's not great.   I know it's human sentiment to want to rant about our troubles towards friends, but that doesn't mean it is a good thing to do. Put yourself in the shoes of the listener. When someone dumps a ton of emotional baggage on you, how do you feel? Probably worse than before. Plus, it's a huge use of time! And as the person who ranted, have you gotten closer to solving the problem by ranting? Even if ranting makes us feel better afterwards, that doesn't mean we have to rely on ranting. We could use other methods that don't exhaust other people's time or make them feel worse, such as watching a feel-good movie, exercising, or doing some breathing meditation. However, I know we sometimes just start ranting without even meaning to. I've done that too. When that happens, we can simply apologize for ranting and steer the topic towards finding a solution, and then thank them for their help.   But if others rant to us, we shouldn't start criticizing them for ranting. After all, they are already in a bad mood. To criticize them while they are in a bad mood would make them feel worse, and it means we are not sensitive to other people's feelings. We can listen and try to guide them towards finding a solution. When they are in a better mood, we can encourage them to change from a problem-talker to a problem-solver.   Back to the topic of not spreading family disgrace…it's not great to rant to friends, and it's even worse to talk about family disgrace in a public setting. I remember reading about a celebrity in a magazine, and he talked about the abuse that his parents gave him during his childhood. At the time, I didn't think much of it, but now, I can see why some people would think that's very inappropriate. You can communicate with your family members in private about your feelings of resentment towards their past actions, but you don't need to share that with the media and the public. That doesn't help anyone, and it might encourage others to complain about their family instead of thinking about their family's gratitude and love. One More Story I remember in a class one time, a classmate (let's call her Jenny) shared some bad behavior of her parents. Later, I was chatting with some other classmates, and they said Jenny shouldn't talk about her parents like that in front of the class. I was really confused and thought Jenny's behavior was fine. I said, "But Jenny is sharing her situation to ask for advice from the class and teacher. It's clear to me that her intention isn't to complain. The purpose of our class is literally to share our problems and get advice. I think it's great that she is brave enough to speak her mind, and that she trusts us enough to say the truth. And by speaking of the specifics, we can all help her better."   My classmate replied, "Sure, but she could have said, 'So what if someone's parents do XYZ, what should the child do?' Even though we might all guess that it's her parents, at least it shows that she has the thoughtfulness to protect her parents' reputations, and no one can say for sure that her parents really did those things. Now that she's said those things, I have a bad image of her parents and her."   I then realized the merit to my classmates' views. Indeed, if it were a private conversation just between one or two people, then it might be OK to directly talk about family members' problems. But in a class with lots of people, many of whom are not close to us, it's more considerate and appropriate to use anonymity.   Conclusion Every family, group, and organization has inner troubles. When we have conflict with others in our group, we shouldn't talk about the faults of other people or of the group towards those outside our immediate group. It's fine to ask for guidance from trusted individuals privately. But if there are lots of people listening, then we should anonymize people's names. At the core, it's all about treating others the way we'd want to be treated and protecting other people's reputation and self-respect. Weekly Wisdom #277

Have ever encountered an awkward conflict and not know what to do? That happened to me this past week, and I saw my mentor handle it really smoothly. Image Source: Wix AI Every week, I attend an online Chinese philosophy discussion class with a small group of people. Usually, one person shares a problem they are facing and what they've done to try to solve it, and then the MC guides everyone to discuss the problem together. At the end, our teacher and mentor gives feedback to all our discussed ideas.   This past week was supposed to be my turn to share. That day, I was really tired because I had another presentation as well, and I even had a headache. But I decided I can't pull out last minute, as that'd be too little notice, so I endured my headache and went. To my surprise, there was a new person, and the MC recognized this person. The MC said, "Oh today we have a special guest! We've worked together 3 years ago. It's been such a long time! Let's have him speak a few words."   The MC just wanted him to introduce himself, but he misinterpreted the MC's meaning to mean share about his entire situation and any problems he's facing in life, so he was rather nervous and said, "Seriously? Can you give me some time to prepare?"   The MC said, "Sure,"  and then she talked a bit about other things. Then she invited the guest again. When the guest started speaking, I realized that he thinks he needs to do a full sharing that would take up the time I was supposed to have. I messaged the MC asking, "Am I still sharing today…?"  She replied, "I think he misunderstood my meaning…"   I messaged, "It's OK. It's a rare opportunity for him to get guidance from our mentor. I'll let him have this opportunity today." This worked out to be quite a serendipity because I also had a headache that day, so I was thankful that he unintentionally took my place.   After he shared his story and problems, he said he hopes to get to know everyone and learn from us. The MC asked us if we had any thoughts on what he had shared. No one raised their hand. The MC then asked us to all introduce ourselves to him. Clearly, she was off her game that night; after all, it's rather strange that everyone should introduce themselves to this one new person, but our teacher didn't say anything.   After our self-introductions, the MC then asked the guest to talk more about his job. He replied, "Seriously? We haven't seen each other in three years, and this is how you treat me?"   The MC replied, "It's precisely because I haven't seen you in so long that I want to hear you share more."   At this point, the awkwardness and tension had reached its peak. I had no idea how we could dissolve the tension. Then our teacher stepped in and said, "I think maybe I should speak a few words now. I'm actually pretty happy that they are so excited to see each other again. It's like when you haven't seen a family member for a long time, and then you finally see them again, and you're so excited that you forget how to MC. This is the family culture that we often advocate in Chinese philosophy. I hope everyone feels at home here. And even though each of you may leave here temporarily for personal reasons, know that we'll always welcome you back just like family. As for whether or not you'll be asked to share the first day you're back, that'll depend on the MC."   After my mentor said that, everyone laughed, and the tension was gone. My mentor then added,  "We all need to inspect ourselves frequently: am I living consciously or habitually? In the past, our discussion class was always the same routine. Today, that routine was broken, and our MC struggled to adapt. So we need to all practice living more consciously, which would then allow us to adapt to new situations better. I also think today's discussion is more interesting. Having some unexpected challenge adds spice and excitement, don't you think?"   The rest of the discussion then continued pretty smoothly. After the class was over, I thought the MC might feel really embarrassed about her mess up and keep replaying it in her mind, so I messaged her saying, "Just in case you feel embarrassed about today’s MCing, I am actually quite thankful for it because I got to see how our mentor saves an awkward situation. Also, if I were in your situation, I’d be the same, if not worse. And everyone’s busy thinking about other stuff now, so hope you don’t keep worrying about it."   She replied, "Thanks. This was a good test for my cultivation. Obviously I still need to improve my ability to remain calm in the face of surprises and my adaptability."   Post-Reflection Afterwards, I contemplated why my mentor was able to save that awkward situation. What do you think? I think it's because he always tries to interpret other people's intentions positively. Indeed, the MC didn't have any negative intentions, she was just nervous. By explaining her actions with positive intentions to the audience, people suddenly viewed her in better light.   This principle is widely applicable to daily life. Just this past week, I encountered two classmates slightly arguing about something and then being unhappy. I could've said something like, "Oh you guys really care about each other's opinions so that's why you would try so hard to communicate. Communication is not easy, and taking a break is helpful."   Another time, after a classmate delivered a presentation, I said, "Nice job!"  She said, "No it was mediocre."  I said, "Well no matter how hard we try, we'll always have some mistakes. We need to judge ourselves based on our effort, not the result."  She replied, "But despite my effort, the result is still mediocre."   At this point, I didn't know what to say, so I just didn't say anything. Looking back, the reason I was at a loss for words is because I didn't try to interpret her intentions positively. If I had, I would've said, "Well, I admire how strict you are with yourself, and I'm sure you'll learn and improve from this experience."   Concluding Thoughts When you encounter awkward situations or conflicts, do you try to interpret others' intentions positively? Are you living consciously more or habitually more?

Do you know anyone who is very capable and has many strengths? Do you ever feel pressured around them? As if they are judging you, or as if other people are always comparing you to them?   There’s a great teaching from Liao Fan’s Four Lessons : “Don’t let your strengths overshadow others. Don’t let your goodness make others look bad. Don’t let your great abilities trouble others.”   (Translation: Self. Original Text: 勿以己之長而蓋人；勿以己之善而形人；勿以己之多能而困人。) Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3   If someone with great ability makes you look bad or expects you to be just as capable as them, how would you feel? You’d probably dislike this person and want to avoid them. So we mustn't be this kind of person. The thing is, people often unintentionally make others feel bad, and they don’t even realize it. Thus, we have to be aware and vigilant against these faults. Below are some of my experiences practicing these spirit of these teachings. Example 1: Don't let your abilities pressure others When I was studying in a Sinology program in China this past year, I was the only native English speaker. But in each course, we have assignments that need to be done in English, so my classmates were interested in improving their English. However, I never start a conversation in English with them because I don’t want to pressure them. I wait for them to start speaking English to me first. Even then, I speak simple English and give them lots of encouragement. If there’s a classmate who shows a lot of eagerness to practice English and asks me to speak more English with them, then I might take initiative to speak English to them; In this situation, I’m sure they’ll feel happy, not stressed.   Example 2: Don't let your successes make others feel bad I recently heard a story of two classmates. The first classmate saw a big spider and freaked out. The second classmate said, “ Don’t be so scared. I used to be scared of spiders too, but I trained myself to get over it. ”   The first classmate felt even worse afterwards. The second classmate didn’t mean to make her classmate feel worse; in fact, she probably wanted to give her classmate encouragement. This is why we need to be more sensitive about how others might interpret our words and whether what we say is appropriate to that situation. Don’t let your good points make others feel bad.   Example 3: Don't let your goodness highlight others' deficiencies At my school, we have morning meditation at 5:40AM and then school cleaning at 6:15AM. Sometimes, some classmates are too tired and don’t come. Some classmates even regularly don’t come. Each room has multiple students assigned to clean it. My room has two other classmates assigned. There were multiple times where one or both of them didn’t come. In these situations, I never took initiative to tell others that my cleaning partners didn’t come, as if I’m the only responsible one and they aren’t. I understand that they have their difficulties, and the school teachers know who came and didn’t come. One time, I saw another room had no one to clean it. I took initiative to clean it, but I didn’t broadcast that I did it. I have the time and ability to help my classmates, so of course I should do it; it's nothing special.   Example 4: Don't let your high abilities trouble others One time during school cleaning, one classmate was in charge of wiping the windows with a wet towel, while the second classmate was in charge of wiping the windows with a dry towel. Afterwards, the windows would be very clean. It's much faster and easier to wipe with the wet towel, so the first classmate went really fast. The second classmate took his time to really clean the windows properly with the dry towel. As a result, some of the windows got dry with water marks before the second classmate reached that window. This is an example of not being considerate enough towards others. The fist classmate should go at a pace that is suitable for the second classmate to keep up. This isn't just for the purpose of avoiding dry water marks on the windows, it's also to not give pressure to the first classmate, as if he's too slow in drying the windows. Since the first classmate was only focused on doing his job as quickly as possible, he might have been trying to show off his speed and ability. As a result, he created more trouble to the both of them because they have to re-wipe the windows with dry water marks.   Example 5: Don't use your high standards to judge and pressure others A classmate once asked me what I think about vegan mock meat. I said, “I think it’s good. Why?”   He said, “There’s a classmate who says that people who still desire the taste of meat don’t truly love animals, and their minds are not truly pure.”   (For context: a lot of Chinese Buddhists eat vegetarian because they don't want to harm living beings, and also because they want to cultivate a pure mind free of desires, such as desire for delicious flavor.)   I said, “He shouldn’t use his high standards to pressure others. It’s fine for him to have high standards for himself, but he needs to be more considerate towards others. Being vegetarian or vegan is already a very kind and noble thing to do. If he criticizes these people for not being kind enough, then that’s rather arrogant and unkind of him. A considerate person would encourage others to make small changes step-by-step and out of their own willingness, not demand others to go completely vegan with no vegan mock meat right away.”   Conclusion We all have our strengths and good points, but it's important to consciously remain humble and sensitive towards others feelings so as to not make others feel bad and harm the relationship. Often, people make these mistakes unintentionally, so conscious effort is needed on our part. At the beginning, we might not realize our mistake until after the event is over. That's normal. But as long as we keep reflecting on ourselves and trying to improve, over time, we will greatly improve our emotional intelligence and relationships. Weekly Wisdom #299

Recently, I encountered a somewhat awkward situation. I'm currently attending a 1-month workshop at a school, and participants live on campus. I have two roommates: a teacher and a fellow classmate. One time, my classmate and I went back to our room. When we entered, we noticed the room was quite smelly. My roommate quickly found the source of the odor: my teacher's towel hanging in the room. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 He said, "I think we should wash that towel for our teacher."   I said, "Hang on. I think you should get his permission first before touching his stuff."   He said, "The towel is very stinky. I think he'd be quite embarrassed if we said, 'Hi teacher, your towel is a bit smelly. Is it OK if I wash it for you?' "   I said, "But if you don't ask him, then he'll come back and wonder where his towel went. Then if you tell him, 'Oh your towel was stinky, so I washed it,'  he'll still be embarrassed, and he might feel disrespected because you didn't get his permission before touching his stuff."   My roommate said, "All right, let's go ask him then."   We checked with our teacher, and he said it's fine for us to wash it.   Later, I asked our teacher if there's a better way to handle the situation than what we did. Before I share what my teacher said, why don't you take a moment to think about it? What would you do if you were in that situation?   My teacher said, "It's good that you can put yourself in the other person's shoes and realize they might feel embarrassed by your words. To go a step further, you need to think of a way to get rid of or reduce that embarrassment. If I were you, I would just let that person come into the room and notice that smell himself. Then when he says, 'What's that smell?', I wouldn't say, 'It's your towel.' I would pretend like I don't know, and I'd let him find out the source himself. Then he'd go wash the towel himself."   I realized that my teacher's method reduces the amount of embarrassment since it seems like we didn't really notice the smell and weren't too bothered by it. From his reply, I can tell that he is highly proficient in empathy and interpersonal skills, and this comes from years of practice and accumulation. I still have long ways to go, and this was a great learning experience for me. Weekly Wisdom #301

Have you ever been in a rush to talk to someone, and because of your urgency, when you see them, you start talking right away? Or perhaps before you even arrive in front of them, you already start shouting their name and speaking your urgent matter? I certainly have, and I've been reminded a few times that this is not respectful nor effective.   I've also been on the receiving end of such behavior, and my feeling was, "I understand that you think your matter is kind of urgent, but you should still ask me if I have a minute before rambling on and on about your matter. It only takes a few extra seconds to be polite. Urgency is no excuse for bad manners."   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 I've made this mistake many times, so I hope sharing some examples can help me have higher vigilance and help others avoid the same mistake. The key isn't simply to ask if others are busy before talking to them; rather, it's to make sure we have a calm mind and a considerate intention before speaking, then we'd naturally inspect their situation.   Example 1: Encounter in the Cafeteria One time at school, I had just finished eating lunch, and I saw a teacher also just finished eating. This teacher is very busy, and it's quite a rare opportunity to ask him a question, so I seized the opportunity, quickly went up to him, and started talking, "Hi teacher! How are you?...I wanted to ask you about…" .   I explained my question and situation, which took a few minutes. He then said to me, "Oh those are big questions. I have another appointment soon, so how about we schedule another time to discuss?"   After he said that, I realized my bad manners. I should've first asked him, "Hi teacher, I have some questions about XZY. Would you happen to have some time to answer them?"   Example 2: Encounter in the Office Another time, I went up to a teacher's office to confirm something. I first knocked on the door. A while later, the teacher said, "Come in."  I went in and saw my teacher hunched over his desk, maybe reading or writing something. I waited a few seconds, but he didn't turn around. I thought to myself, "My thing is really quick and simple" , so I asked my question. My teacher didn't respond right away.   After a minute or so, he turned around and said, "Before you speak, you should confirm the other person is ready to listen."   I realized that my mind is too agitated, that I don't like waiting, which resulted in my bad manners.   Another time at home, I went to ask my mom something, and she was also hunched over her desk. I remembered that incident with my teacher, so I first said, "Mom."   She said, "Yes?" But she didn't turn around, so I waited until she turned around. Then I started speaking about a matter that I needed her opinion on. After I talked for a few minutes, she said, "OK. Sure. Whatever you want."   I felt like she didn't really listen to me seriously, so I said, "Ok… are you sure?"   She said, "I'm busy thinking about something else right now. If you really want to discuss it, can we do it later?"   I reflected on that incident, and I realized that I'm still not empathetic enough. Just because she turned around to look at me doesn't mean her mind is clear and ready to talk. Before talking about the matter, I should've first asked, "I want to chat about XZY as soon as you are free. Are you free now?"   Example 3: Encounter in the Hallway Another time, I encountered a teacher in the hallway. I had some work related matters on my mind, and these things were due very soon, so when I saw him, I immediately started talking, "Oh teacher, I have some things I wanted to ask you about the closing ceremony work. Are you free?"   He didn't respond, nor did he even look at me. I inspected him and the surroundings more, and I noticed that there were two other students arguing, and he was listening intently to what they were saying. When I noticed this, I said, "Oh sorry for disturbing you."  Then I left.   Later (you guessed it), the teacher told me, "Before you speak, you need to inspect the situation."  (By the way, this is a different teacher from the previous two teachers. I've made this mistake with many people…)   Example 4: Being Interrupted The above examples are of me having bad manners. There are also times when I've been on the receiving end of such behavior, and when this happens, it's important to remember this teaching from Marcus Aurelius: "Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself."   Seneca said something similar: "When philosophy is wielded with arrogance and stubbornly, it is the cause for the ruin of many. Let philosophy scrape off your own faults, rather than be a way to rail against the faults of others."   So even though I work hard on having good manners, I can't demand others to have good manners towards me. After all, they might not be aware of these things. Even if they are aware, it's not easy to correct bad habits. I'm already aware of these things, yet I still repeat these mistakes, so it's only expected that others will make these mistakes too.   Moreover, philosophy is an inner seeking; that's what makes it so powerful. When we seek from the inside (our thoughts and actions), we have full control. If we seek from the outside (other people and external conditions), we don't have control.   One time, I was hunched over my desk doing work, and my roommate comes into the room and starts talking to me about something that upset him. I was tempted to say, "You should ask if I'm free before ranting. Can you please give me 5 minutes to wrap up my work first?"   But I stopped myself. Clearly, he is upset and wants some sympathy from me. If I criticize him while he's in a bad mood, it'd just make him feel worse, so I let go of my work and gave him my full attention. Ironically, while I was writing this blog post, my mother shouted from downstairs, "Can you come over? I have something to show you." Again, I promptly let go of my writing and went down to see her. By being strict with myself rather than others, I improved my moral cultivation from these incidents.   Conclusion When we want to talk to others and are in a rush, we might just blurt out whatever we want to say. This is actually bad manners, and it might make others not want to listen to us, which would ruin the effectiveness of our communication. Before talking to others, we should calmly inspect their entire situation. Do they look busy? Is it appropriate for me to speak to them right now? If so, then we can ask, "Hey, are you free to talk about something?"  If they say yes, then we can speak our matter. All of this requires us to remain calm and considerate, which are key to effective thinking and communication. Weekly Wisdom #309

One time, the CEO of a large company took some of his staff to a business lunch with a client company. They had a good meal and a good chat. As they were preparing to leave, the CEO's assistant suddenly felt some discomfort and gas in his stomach. Shortly after, he farted with a loud noise, and everyone looked at him. He was very embarrassed and said, "The food here must have made my stomach upset."   A few weeks later, that same client company sent some people to visit the CEO. The CEO personally came down to greet them and take them up to his office. In the elevator, the CEO and his assistant stood in the middle. Suddenly, the CEO felt discomfort in his stomach and let out a silent but stinky fart. Everyone's face changed as they smelled it, and they all looked towards the center at the CEO's assistant.   The assistant then said, "I swear, it's not me this time!"  Everyone then looked at the CEO.   Later that day, the CEO called the assistant into his office and told him, "You can pack your stuff tomorrow. You're fired."   The assistant was shocked and said, "What! Why?"   The CEO replied, "If you can't even take responsibility for a fart, how can I trust you with anything else?" Icon Sources: 1 , 2 Commentary Do you think the CEO is overreacting? From my perspective, it might seem like the CEO is overreacting, but if we think about it deeper, the assistant has a big attitude problem. He clearly lacks a sense of responsibility and emotional sensitivity. This time, it manifests on the fart matter; in the future, it'll manifest in other, perhaps bigger matters, especially since the CEO's assistant handles big matters. If that happens, it could cause great trouble with irreversible damage.    From this story, I learned two lessons. First, a responsible person takes responsibility for their mistakes, and that's not easy for most people. Second, don't make others look bad!   1: Take responsibility for your mistakes The first time the assistant farted, he didn't take responsibility for it. Instead, he blamed the restaurant food. This has three problems. First, other people didn't get an upset stomach from the restaurant food, so it's not fair to blame the restaurant. Second, it's the CEO that chose this restaurant, so if the assistant criticizes the restaurant, he is also criticizing his own CEO in front of clients. Third, he didn't apologize for his actions, which means he didn't want to take responsibility for them. Despite all these problems, the CEO decided to let the matter go, which shows that the CEO is rather forgiving.   We've all made mistakes. Most of us make mistakes unintentionally. But even so, an unintentional mistake still causes harm and trouble to others. When we make mistakes and others criticize us, do we Try to hide it Try to push away the responsibility Try to explain ourselves and why we shouldn't be blamed Take responsibility our mistake and apologize for it Tell the other person how we will make amends and how we will prevent similar mistakes in the future   Of course, D and E are the mature and responsible things to do, but most people tend to do A, B, and C. Why? Because our ego feels hurt when we feel like we did something wrong or when others criticize us. The ego is a short-sighted and immature kid, and following the ego prevents us from growing and improving.   I often think of this advice from billionaire investor Ray Dalio: "When a problem stems from your own lack of talent or skill, most people feel shame. Get over it. I cannot emphasize this enough: Acknowledging your weaknesses is not the same as surrendering to them. It's the first step toward overcoming them."   If the assistant had said, "Oh I'm really sorry about that,"  then others would probably say, "No worries,"  and the whole situation would be a lot less awkward. His weak sense of responsibility manifested in this situation as not apologizing for his fart, but it probably also manifested many times elsewhere in his work. I would imagine that the CEO often asks him why something wasn't done properly, and he wouldn't take full responsibility for it.   It's easy for us to criticize the assistant, but we need to reflect on ourselves too. I noticed that when I get criticized for making a mistake, I still habitually explain myself. Why? Because my ego wants the other person to know that I am a logical and careful person, and that this mistake isn't because I am careless. For example, recently, my manager said, "Some people wanted to submit their application form to you at 9AM, but they couldn't find you, so they gave their form to me."   I immediately replied, "What? Oh right, the second submission deadline is today at 9AM. But I already communicated with everyone the past few days, and all the group leaders said they don't need anything else, so I wasn't expecting them to need to submit a second application form."   My manager said, "Well, some people did."   Afterwards, I reflected on my attitude. I still wanted to push away blame and justify my actions. Therefore, my ego is too strong and my sense of responsibility is lacking. Otherwise, I would have first said, "I'm sorry I forgot. I need to improve my sense of responsibility and carefulness."   After taking responsibility for my mistake, I can use a calm tone of voice (not one of self-defense) to explain that these group leaders already said they didn't need anything else, which is why I didn't expect them to submit a second application today, but I now know that things always change, and I should still be in my office waiting at the submission deadline just in case a group leader changed their mind.   This all sounds simple and easy to do from a third-person perspective analyzing the matter after-the-fact, but when you are in that moment of being blamed, it's not so easy. It takes practice and cultivation.   2: Don't make others look bad! Everyone has an ego, so if we make others look bad, they will probably resent us. Moreover, the more power and fame a person has, probably the bigger their ego. In the story, the CEO clearly has a big and sensitive ego, which is one reason why he fired his assistant for making him look bad in front of clients. If he was more humble, he would have reflected on himself for not training his assistant better.   As for us, we can't control others, and knowing that most people have a big ego, it's up to us to improve our own emotional intelligence and sensitivity to others' feelings. How can we do that? We need to jump out of our perspective and often practice seeing things from other people's perspective. Don't just do and say whatever feels right or normal from your perspective. Often contemplate how others might interpret our words and actions.   The assistant was telling the truth: he really didn't fart this time. From his perspective, he feels justified to say the truth. But if he jumped out of his perspective and considered the feelings of others, especially his own boss, he might realize that his boss would feel very embarrassed in front of these clients. If he is truly a caring person and truly respects his CEO, he wouldn't bear his CEO being embarrassed in front of important clients, and he would naturally take the blame and say, "Sorry I farted."   From an even higher perspective, it's much better for the whole company and all the employees if the client got a bad impression of the assistant as opposed to the CEO. If the assistant had taken responsibility for the CEO's fart, imagine how the CEO would feel. He'd probably think,  "Wow, this assistant is really dedicated and caring towards me! I will definitely keep your gratitude in mind."   All in all, the lesson I got here is that we need to cultivate our emotional sensitivity, empathy, and respect towards others, such that we often think of how others interpret our words and actions, and we don't bear to make others feel embarrassed or bad. If we can do this, we will have great relationships. If we can't do this, we will unintentionally harm others and create resentment, as was the case with the assistant.   I reflected on myself, and I have the same problem. I remember one time, my mentor was talking to a group of students, and a student said, "Sometimes I have questions, but I don't want to message my teacher because I feel like he is too busy."   My mentor replied, "Whether or not your teacher replies is his matter. You have to trust that your teacher can manage his time and priorities. For example, I receive many messages. If I see a very important and urgent message, I will reply promptly no matter how busy I am. If the message is not too important or urgent, I will reply later. Or perhaps I purposely delay my reply to let the student think longer. Of course, sometimes I just have too many things going on and forget, in which case, it's up to you to follow up. If you don't follow up, then that shows you don't really care about your question."   When I heard this, I thought back to how if I sent an important question to my mentor, he would reply promptly and even call me. But other times, if it's not too important or urgent, he might forget my message, and I'd have to follow up. Thus, I nodded my head and said, "Mhm." My mentor then looked at me and said, "Why are you nodding your head so noticeably? Are you implying that I often don't reply messages promptly?   I said, "No no, that's not my intention. I'm nodding because I know you are very intentional about how and when you reply messages."   Later, I reflected that my mentor might have been half-joking, but even if that's true, he's still half-serious. Indeed, I need to be more sensitive to how others interpret my actions. It's easy to point out others' faults, but it's much, much harder to see one's own faults, and I'm thankful to my mentor for pointing them out.   Conclusion This simple fart story contains deep and broad lessons. It's quite hard to find someone who is truly responsible and humble, who takes full responsibility for their mistakes rather than pushing away blame and explaining themselves in self-defense. It's also really rare to find someone with strong emotional sensitivity and empathy, who is able to sense how others might perceive their actions, and who can't bear others being embarrassed or feeling bad. This all requires us to dampen our ego and cultivate emotional sensitivity. After all, we get hurt the most by our ego, and only we ourselves can do something about it. Weekly Wisdom #302