Search Results

Recently, a good friend told me she's thinking about divorce. This is a very big matter, and my purpose with this article is not to discuss the pros and cons of a divorce, but rather how we should support and guide others (and ourselves) when making big decisions, whether that be a divorce, choosing a partner, shifting careers, making a big purchase, moving residence, etc. I've previously written about principles for wise decisions , and this article will apply those principles in an actual matter. Image Source: ChatGPT   1: What Can We Actually Say? The first thing we need to do is consider whether or not we have the ability, credibility, and necessary information to advise on this matter. Or put in another way, based on my ability, credibility, and information, what can I actually advise on? How much can I actually say?   Reflecting on myself, I have some knowledge and experience in building relationships, I've studied relationships and decision making from ancient philosophers, and my friend trusts me. However, I don't have the necessary information to advise on whether or not she should divorce. I've only ever heard her side of the story. I have never talked to her husband, her parents, or his parents (yes, their parents are important people in this decision as they will get affected greatly). Therefore, I can only provide suggestions on how to make the decision, but I cannot push her towards a "yes" or a "no".   There is important worldly wisdom here. If we push them towards a certain decision, what if they listen to us and later regret it? They'll think back to how we pushed them, and resentment may arise. Thus, for someone else's big decisions, it's usually not a good idea to push them towards any decision. Our role is to support in whatever way appropriate, but ultimately, they should be in the driver's seat and be willing to take full responsibility for their decision.   From another perspective, whenever we are mediating a conflict, it's necessary to hear both sides of the story from both people. For example, when we listen to the wife, it sounds like the husband is terrible. Then we listen to the husband, and it sounds like the wife is terrible. We then have to weigh and filter both sides to try to get an accurate understanding of the situation. This also requires a lot of time and trust from all parties, which we may or may not have.   From a third perspective, even if we patiently listen to them explain the situation and their feelings, can they really explain that clearly? Do they themselves truly know themselves deeply? Do they truly know why they want to make this decision? Are they clear on all the factors involved in this decision?   It's one situation if they already have a decision in mind, explain their thought process to us, and ask us to check if there are any problems. It's a different situation if they just ask a big open question, "Should I divorce?". When they ask that big open question, we know that they themselves probably have not done the internal reflection and information gathering necessary to make that decision, and that process takes time, so we certainly shouldn't be advocating for a "yes" or "no" at this stage.   Based on all of this, I told my friend, "This is a very big and complex decision that will require a lot of introspection on your part to make properly. So today, I'm just going to share my thoughts on how you can make this decision effectively. Of course, my thoughts shouldn't be just my thoughts, they should be based on the ancient teachings that we often discuss. Otherwise, please correct me."   On a related note, if we are the person seeking advice, it's often better to ask "How should I think about making this decision?" as opposed to asking "Should I make this decision?". This is also worldly wisdom. If we ask someone for advice on a situation, and they passionately advise us towards doing it, but later we decided to not follow their advice, then they might feel hurt or feel that we don't trust them. Of course, it's also very important that we ask someone who is wise, trustworthy, and an expert on the subject matter; Otherwise, we are simply asking for trouble.   2: Meditate On Your Intentions Image Source: ChatGPT The first piece of advice I gave was this: "The word 'divorce' has a negative connotation to it. I know you probably worry that it's bad to get a divorce. I know you value compassion. But remember that whether an action is good or bad, and whether the karma we receive in the future is good or bad, depends not on the action, but rather on the intention.   We often talk about that story from Liao Fan's Four Lessons , where some people asked a wise monk about the standard for good and bad. Some people said, 'Loving and respecting others is good,' and the monk said 'Not necessarily." Some people said 'Hitting and scolding others is bad.' The monk said 'Not necessarily.' It depends on the intention. If we are nice to others because we want to benefit from the relationship, then that's selfishness, and that's morally bad. If we hit and scold others because they have a big fault and stubborn personality, and they need strict punishment to correct themselves, then that is having their best interest at heart, and that is goodness. It's the same with this decision about divorce.   Next, when it comes to having others' best intentions in mind, we also need to consider the bigger group and the long-term. Liao Fan's Four Lessons  says, 'Don't think about just the present action, but also about unintended side effects. Don't think about just the immediate effects, but also about the long-term effects. Don't think just about one person, but about the whole world."   You and him are the drivers for this decision. However, your parents are also important stakeholders who will get affected. Parents always want the best for their children. In the role of a child, it's important to ease our parents' worries. Otherwise, we'll create conflict with our parents, and that will haunt our conscience. That means we need to patiently communicate with our parents about this decision and not rush to make the decision if our parents aren't ready to accept our decision yet. Once we get our parents' support, we will have a strong moral force supporting us, giving us confidence and ease of mind.   Thirdly, intentions are often a mix of good and bad, so Liao Fan's Four Lessons  also emphasizes pure intentions. It tells us to ' clean our hearts from the small hidden corners '. We might think we are doing something for the good of others, but deep down, do we still have selfishness mixed in? Is there still a bit of us that is doing this because we really want to gain some sort of benefit for ourselves? Or to avoid trouble and inconvenience for ourselves? If there are still shadows of selfishness in our hearts, then we won't have an easy conscience, and we won't be able to confidently stand by our decision when others challenge us.   A great role model is Kazuo Inamori, who is considered a business sage in Japan. He had great business success in his career and advocated the teachings of Liao Fan's Four Lessons . He also practiced them of course. When he entered the telecom industry, he meditated on his intentions. He didn't do it because he wanted to earn more profits. It's because at the time, there was only one telecom provider, so they could charge unreasonably high prices. Telecom is a necessary service for all the people, and he wanted to help reduce their burden. That's why he entered the telecom business and was very successful. But he didn't make that decision until he was sure that his intention was pure.   Age 65, he decided to retire and become a monk, seeking a spiritual path. But when he was 77, the Japanese government asked him to come back to the ordinary world and save the national airline, Japan Airlines. Again, he meditated for months on his intentions. Was there any desire for self-gain? To avoid hassles and trouble? He washed away those selfish intentions.   He focused on what's best for all the people. Air travel is a necessary service to the nation. If Japan Airlines goes bankrupt, it would create great trouble for the country, and it would cause the people to lose confidence in their nation. He has the background and expertise to help, so he cannot turn a blind eye and still have an easy conscience. Thus, he left the temple and accepted the role as President of Japan Airlines when it already filed for bankruptcy protection. Within two years, he turned the company around, and it was re-listed onto the Tokyo Stock Exchange.   Ultimately, what happens in the future depends on our intentions. The more pure and good our intention, the better the future we will attract and manifest. That's why Inamori spent so long meditating on and purifying his intentions. Whether or not you divorce is not the big matter. The big matter is the strength and purity of your intention."   My friend asked how she should meditate on her intention. I replied: "I'm not an expert on this either, but in my experience, it's about cultivating a mind of tranquility and stillness. The mind is more rational and makes better decisions when it is calm and tranquil, so we want to make sure we are in a state of calm and tranquility before thinking about a decision.   To give an analogy, the mind is like a mirror. Emotions like desire, worry, fear, annoyance, etc. are like dust. When the mirror is covered with dust, it cannot reflect the situation clearly. If we cannot see the situation clearly, then how can we make a good decision? Calming the mind is like cleaning off that dust. Once the mind is tranquil, we can see the situation clearly, and then the answer becomes obvious.    Image Source: Unsplash In terms of how to calm the mind and attain a state of tranquility, each person can find what works for them. Some people like to sit down, close their eyes, and meditate. Others like to walk in nature, or run, or knit. Personally, I do Buddha-name chanting where I chant 'Amitabha' like a mantra. If I need to make a big decision, I might try to do some 2-hour meditation sessions or however long I need to attain a state of tranquility.   At the beginning, it feels like my mind is a wild horse. It keeps running in different directions with all these wandering thoughts. But if I persist, eventually, the mind calms down and becomes quiet, and I feel like my mind is super clear. In this state, it's easier to have realizations. You don't have to intentionally think about or analyze the answer. When we attain an elevated state of mind, the answer seems to naturally come to us.   Another method is loving-kindness meditation. A pure mind (free from selfishness) is naturally compassionate. Kindness is innate in all of us. When we make a decision from a purely kind heart, it is true goodness. There are lots of guided loving-kindness meditations on the internet, but basically, you can close your eyes and visualize someone that you love dearly. Maybe it's your mom, or your dog, someone who you want nothing but the best for. Then imagine that loving energy all around you, filling every cell in your body. When you feel the love and warmth of that energy, think about that decision. What's the natural answer that comes to mind?   When an answer comes to me, I try to be cautious. I don't want to suddenly get too excited. I will check with other wise people and ask them to look for holes in my thinking. I might do some more meditation sessions as well. If after all of that, I'm still confident about my decision, then I will make it."   3: Affected Parties My friend asked, "So from the perspective of filial piety, should I just listen to my parents here?"   I replied: "You and him are the drivers of the decision. The responsibility for the decision lies with you two. However, we also have to consider affected parties and give them appropriate involvement and participation in the decision. Both your parents are affected, so it's important to consult them."   My friend said that she talked about this with her parents before, and they want her to stay in the marriage, but her parents don't know everything. At the same time, she also doesn't want to say too much because she doesn't want them to worry unnecessarily.   I replied: "It's great that you don't want your parents to worry unnecessarily. But we have to judge each situation to determine what's better. If it were a smaller decision, then maybe it's fine to not tell them all the details. But since this is a very big decision, you should try to patiently and sincerely communicate with your parents. After all, your parents want the best for you, but they don't have the credentials to advise you if they don't even understand the situation fully. If you listen to them just because 'a good child is supposed to listen to parents', but you didn't communicate with them sincerely, then that isn't truly being a good child, and you might create trouble and resentment in the future.   Of course, before you communicate with them, it's important that you meditate on your intentions first so that you can bring a calm energy to the conversation. Energy is contagious. If you're all anxious and worried about it, they'll catch that energy and become worried as well. But if you are calm and confident about it, then they'll catch that energy too."   4: Weighing Factors, Other Options, and Risk Mitigation One more point is that we can list all the decision-making factors on a piece of paper and give them weights. Image Source: Unsplash For example, you might have factors like My goals His goals My willingness to change His willingness to change His trustworthiness My parents' opinions His parents' opinions Practical factors   When you meditate on your intentions and cultivate a mind of tranquility and compassion, you might have some realizations about what factors to consider in the decision and what weight to give each factor. Maybe it's just one or two factors that matter the most. Maybe it's a mixture of multiple factors. Having this written down helps to give us a clear and well-rounded picture of the decision.   It's also important to consider the flexibility of each factor. For example, if your parents' opinion right now is for you to stay in the marriage, but you haven't communicated sincerely with them yet, then you should try and change that first. Or if his goals don't align with yours, but you haven't tried to align them yet, you can try that first.   We should also consider the pros and cons of each decision and think about how big they are and if the risks can be mitigated. For example, if you choose to divorce, then there's the risk of creating resentment. How big of a deal is it? If big, how can you mitigate it? Well, if we meditate on our intentions beforehand, it'll increase the chances that they know we have their best intentions at heart.   Or if you choose to stay in the marriage, there's the risk that he continues to do the things that made you want to divorce before. Maybe you can mitigate that by having couple counseling or therapy. We shouldn't think of decisions as just yes or no; oftentimes, there are other options if we shift from a win-lose mindset to a win-win mindset.   Conclusion We will probably all encounter situations in life where someone asks us for advice on a big decision. When this happens, it's important for us to have wisdom, to weigh our abilities, to know what's appropriate to say, and to prevent unintended harm. I don't have perfect wisdom, so what I share is just for consideration. Oftentimes, it's better to advise on how to think about the decision as opposed to pushing for a certain decision. As for the decision making process, it's important to purify our intentions, involve the affected parties, weigh the relevant factors, consider unexplored options, and mitigate the risks wherever possible. Weekly Wisdom #369

I recently watched The Boy and the Heron by Hayao Miyazaki, which is the fifth-grossing Japanese film of all time and won the Golden Globe Award for Best Animated Feature Film. But aside from the beautiful animation and rich story, the film gave me a lot of food for thought and life lessons, which is what I want to share in this article.   Image Source Warning: There will be spoilers, but I will not explain the plot of the story ( Wikipedia already did that). It's certainly helpful to watch the movie before reading this article, but it's not necessary as I will explain any required context. Also, any movie lines I quote are from my memory since I watched this in theatre, so the wording may not be exactly right, but the message should be the same.   1: A peaceful world starts with my peaceful heart. Near the end of the movie, the main character, Mahito Maki, had the choice to inherit and continue the magical world created by his granduncle. The foundation of this world is a tower of small stones created by the granduncle. But his tower was about to collapse soon, and only someone of his bloodline could inherit this world by creating a new tower with new stones. Hence, the uncle collected some stones and asked Mahito to build a new tower.   Mahito looked at the stones and sensed that there was malice in these stones, so he refused. Indeed, before meeting his granduncle, who lived at the top or "heaven" layer of this magical world, he experienced the lower levels of this world (one of the living beings there called it "hell"), where he witnessed a lot of suffering. I think it's very understandable that he didn't want to be responsible for a world that causes suffering to so many living beings.   Later, even closer to the end of the movie, Mahito meets his granduncle once more. This time, his tower is really about to collapse, meaning the whole magical world was about to collapse. The granduncle said, "I found some pure stones without any malice in them. Please, build your tower and continue this world."   This time, Mahito said, " I can't. The stones may not have malice, but I still have malice inside me. " While saying this, he pointed to a scar at the side of his head.   For context, Mahito is a young boy living in a time of war, and he lost his mother in a factory fire. When he heard the news, he immediately ran to the factory to try to save his mother, but he was unsuccessful, and this traumatized him.   His father then remarried his mother's younger sister (because the sister would more likely care for Mahito than an outsider, and also to keep the family wealth in the same family) and moved to the countryside (because it's safer there during the war and because they have a big residence there). Mahito then had to deal with trying to accept his new stepmother, which is really hard since he really misses his original mother.   He then goes to school, but he is different from everyone because he comes from the city, and his family is much richer than the village kids. His classmates are prejudiced towards him and bully him, and he ends up fighting with them. On his way home, he picks up a stone and hits the side of his head with it, creating a big wound. As a result, his father thinks that the students attacked him and tells him to rest at home instead of going to school. From all of this, we can see that Mahito is a young kid who went through a lot of suffering, and in his pain, he also did violent things such as fighting with other kids and injuring himself. He sees the evil inside of him, and he understands that his heart will taint the stones, so that even if the stones are pure, once he uses them, they will become impure, and the world he creates will still have suffering. One aspect of Miyazaki films is the purity of young children. In this sense, Mahito doesn't want to cause suffering to others, so he refuses to inherit and continue his uncle's magical world.   This reminds me of a Buddhist teaching: "A peaceful world starts with my peaceful heart." So often, people try to achieve peace through methods, whether it be politics, economics, technology, military, etc. But whether or not these methods have a positive or negative effect depends on the intention (or "heart") behind them.   To give a simple example, the western world heavily emphasizes communication. Communication is a method, not an attitude or intention. If we communicate with the intention to defeat others in an argument, then our bad intentions will taint our communication skills, and our strong communication skills would just create more conflict.  If we have good intentions but lack communication skills, then at least the results won't be harmful, but the effect might still be lacking. Thus, we need both good intentions and good methods to achieve good results. However, having good intentions is the most fundamental and should come first. 2: Love and morality starts with those closest to us When the granduncle heard Mahito's refusal, he said, " Why would you want to go back to Earth? That world will burn in flames soon! " Clearly, the granduncle is also aware of the war situation on Earth, and he probably also experienced a lot of suffering during his time on Earth, which is why he wanted to create his own, better world. Unfortunately, the stones that helped him create his world are evil. He lives in a heavenly area, but the living beings below suffer. Perhaps that's also why he wanted a new successor who could better the world he created.   Mahito replied, " Yes, but there is goodness there too. I've learned how to make friends. And I can learn to love others. I need to go back. "   More context: There is a magical heron or manbird that led Mahito into this world to find his stepmother and bring her back to Earth. Originally, he didn't trust this heron, but throughout their journey in the magical world, they gradually became friends. He also met the younger versions of his mother and a servant maid in his house, and they all helped him along his journey. Thus, his heart gained more love and gratitude, and he naturally didn't want to abandon his family on Earth, which is where he belongs.   This reminds me of a Confucian teaching from The Classic of Filial Piety : "To love others yet not love one's parents violates morality."   If he says that he has a loving heart because he wants to create a world without suffering, but in doing so, he abandons his family on Earth without saying a word, causing his dad and stepmother to grieve over the loss of their child, wouldn't that be rather contradictory? How can you truly have a loving and noble heart when you cause suffering to the people closest to you, to the people who love you the most, to the people you received the most kindness from? I think if Mahito really made the choice to inherit the magical world, thus never being able to leave and see his family again, he would probably have an uneasy conscience and regret his choice.   Similarly, I used to put work and friends above family, and as a result, family conflict was always a nagging burden at the back of my mind, leading to an uneasy conscience. Once I learned Confucianism, I prioritized family first, and my conscience became at ease. 3: Attitude towards problems Both Mahito and his granduncle agree that Earth is a terrible place with a lot of suffering. His granduncle chose to abandon Earth and try to create a better world. Mahito, on the other hand, chose to accept Earth the way it is, let go of blame and resentment, and focus on the possibility for goodness and improvement in the world, starting with his own kind heart. Just like how the kindness of others changed him, if he can spread this kindness, he can definitely make his world better.   The original Japanese title of this film translates roughly to " What kind of life do you want to live? " or " How do you wish to live your life? ". Mahito's choice to return to Earth really made me think. Suffering is a fact of life. The world is full of problems. So how will you choose to deal with this fact? I think Miyazaki really wanted the audience to ponder this question.   This made me think of a quote from Captain Jack Sparrow: "The problem isn't the problem. The problem is your attitude towards the problem."   When we see problems in the world, in our organization, in our group, in our family, do we simply blame others and stop there? Or do we take initiative and responsibility to improve the situation for everyone's benefit? The latter is what Mahito chose. 4: The importance of life education A big question I had after watching the movie was, " Why was Mahito able to change from a miserable young boy, who felt helpless and upset at the world, to a noble young man who could take initiative and responsibility to live in and improve a world of suffering? "   The answer lies in a scene near the beginning of the movie. When Mahito and his father moved to the countryside residence, his stepmother was already pregnant. The servant maids told him many times to go see his stepmother, but he refused because he still didn't accept her as his new mother. After being told many times, he finally went, but even in that encounter, he still refused to embrace her.   Later, he saw his stepmother walking into a nearby forest, which should seem very strange because his stepmother was really weak and sick from being pregnant, so why would she walk into a forest? The scene looked like she was possessed. Despite seeing this, Mahito didn't care. He just continued on with his day. He went to his room and accidentally found a book left to him by his late mother.   The name of this book is also the name of the movie in Japanese: " What kind of life do you want to live? " Image Source This is actually a real book, and the director Miyazaki said this book had a big impact on his life when he was a young boy. The movie didn't explain the content of the book, it just showed that Mahito read the book all day and had tears in his eyes afterwards.   By evening, he had finished the book, and the housemaids were all concerned that they couldn't find the stepmother, so they were all outside searching for her and shouting her name. When Mahito heard the maids outside searching for his stepmother, he stood up, ran out the room, and told everyone that he is also going to look for his stepmother.   In other words, this book really changed his attitude towards life, which then changed his destiny. If he hadn't read this book, then perhaps he would have turned out like his granduncle, or worse.   This really makes me think about the importance of life education. Nowadays, our education system teaches us knowledge and skills, like language, math, science, history, geography, etc. But we don’t receive formal education on how to live a good life, on how to have good relationships, on how to make wise decisions.   Some people are fortunate to have wise parents or mentors to help on this front. But we can't rely on others to save us. We have to take responsibility for our life and do this learning in our own time, which is why I spend my free time learning ancient philosophies such as Stoicism, Confucianism, Daoism, and Buddhism. What I learned in school helped me get a job and make a living, but what I learned from ancient philosophy enabled me to upgrade my thinking  and to gain wisdom, happiness, and peace of mind. 5: Sincere kindness transforms people The English title of this movie is The Boy and the Heron , and that's because aside from Mahito, the other leading character of this movie is a man-bird magical heron. It is this heron that lures Mahito into the magical world and accompanies him on his journey.   At the beginning of the movie, Mahito was very suspicious towards the heron and even made a bow and arrow to shoot the heron. He was able to shoot an arrow into the heron's beak, which reverted the heron into a man-bird form, thereby preventing him from flying. Since he couldn't fly away, he had no choice but to accompany Mahito.   Later, they encountered an area guarded by man-eating parakeets. The heron told him that if he wants to pass this area, he needs the heron to create a distraction to lure away the parakeets. In order for that to happen, Mahito needs to fill the hole in his beak, which will allow him to fly again.   Mahito said, "If I fill in the hole in your beak, how do I know you won't just fly away and abandon me?"   The heron said, " You can't know. It's your choice. "   Mahito then took a tree branch and started carving a small cylinder to fill in the hole. He then put it in the heron's beak. The heron reverted to its bird form and excitedly said, " Haha! I can fly again. I'm outta here! So long! "   As the heron started flapping his swings, he reverted back to his bird-man form. It turns out the cylinder was a bit too big and didn't fully fit in the hole. The movie then shows Mahito carving the cylinder a bit more, with the man-bird looking ashamed and embarrassed.   Mahito then puts the cylinder into the beak again, this time fitting properly. The heron said, " Why did you continue to help me even after I betrayed you? " Mahito didn't reply.   This scene also made me think a lot. The first time Mahito helped the heron makes logical sense. If he refuses to help the heron, he has no chance of advancing on his journey, so he has nothing to lose by helping the heron. But after he learned that the heron intended to abandon him, why would he continue to help the heron? Mahito didn't say, so it's up to us to speculate.   Perhaps Miyazaki wanted to show the innate goodness of children and encourage people to return to the innate goodness that all of us had when we were children. In this case, I think Mahito didn't really need a logical reason to continue helping the heron. He did it purely out of kindness. He had no demands or expectations in return. If he can't advance in his journey, then at least by helping the heron, the heron wouldn't be stuck with him.   It is this kind of selfless, sincere kindness that moves and changes people. That's what makes people ashamed of themselves and become motivated to improve their moral character, which was what happened to the heron. Later on in the movie, Mahito gets caught by the parakeets, and the heron actually infiltrates their layer to save Mahito. When Mahito told his granduncle that he made friends such as the heron, the heron was surprised to hear Mahito calling him a friend. At the end of the movie, the heron even said to Mahito, " Goodbye, friend. "   Thus, if we have a negative relationship with someone, it doesn't have to stay that way. We can change the relationship through sincere kindness. When we continue to show kindness to others in spite of their unkindness, and without expecting anything in return, eventually, their sense of shame will arise, and they will change for the better. That can change a terrible relationship to an extremely great one, as was the case with Mahito and the heron. 6: Despicable people have lamentable circumstances In the lower levels of the granduncle's magical world, Mahito encounters a person named Kiriko, who takes care of cute little bubble-like spirits called Warawara. When these Warawara mature enough, they will float up into the sky and seek birth on Earth.   One night, Mahito sees many Warawara floating up into the sky. Kiriko comes out and says with tears in her eyes that the Warawara have finally grown up, and that this event happens very rarely. It's kind of like a parent crying out of happiness when seeing their child all grown up and leaving the house. Suddenly, a swarm of pelicans come and start eating the defenseless Warawara. Kiriko is angered at the despicable behavior of the pelicans, but there's nothing she or Mahito can do. Then another person in a small boat on the lake below starts shooting fireballs into the air, thereby burning the pelicans and Warawara. The pelicans then flee, and the remaining Warawara are able to complete their journey to Earth.   Later that night, Mahito hears a sound outside the house. He goes out and finds a heavily burnt and wounded pelican. The pelican says, " I'm in so much pain. Please, just kill me and end my suffering. "   Mahito replied, " It's your fault for preying on the Warawara. "   The pelican said, " We were brought here, but there's nothing for us to eat. There's no fish in the water for us to catch, so our tribe flies higher and higher in hopes of escaping this world, but we can't. When we see the Warawara, we can finally eat something, but then we get burned by fireballs. Our choices are either starve to death or get burned to death. It's truly hell. "   After saying this, the pelican died. Mahito felt sorrow for the pelican and decided to bury it.   This scene reminded me of something my mentor often says: "If one can be a good person, who would want to be a bad person? If one can be liked by others, who would want to be disliked by others?"   In other words, everyone is just doing their best to do what they think is right. No one is trying to be wrong or illogical or disliked on purpose. Thus, when we judge others to be wrong, illogical, or despicable, we are using our own standards to judge our limited understanding of them. If we truly understand others, we would be much more compassionate towards them. It's a good reminder for us to try to be more compassionate and understanding towards others, especially the people that we find annoying or difficult to understand. Conclusion I really enjoyed watching The Boy and Heron , not just because of the beautiful animations and rich story, but also because of the many deep life lessons embedded throughout. These are just my reflections and thoughts, and I'm sure there are many things I missed. If you have any other life lessons you took away from the film, I'd love to hear about them. Weekly Wisdom #287

"The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your decisions." —Ray Dalio, Billionaire investor and author of Principles We all work hard every day to create a better life for ourselves. But if we make poor decisions, then no matter how hard we work, our life will be miserable. Thus, we all need to learn how to make excellent decisions. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 What is the key to making good decisions? Wisdom. Wisdom to our happiness is like eyes to our body. If we lack wisdom, we may be working extremely hard but going in the wrong direction, and we wouldn't even know it. After a while, we're exhausted, on the wrong road, and didn't achieve what we hoped. Isn't that just terribly unfortunate and tragic? Thus, wisdom is something we cannot neglect and must proactively learn. Ray Dalio gave many wise principles for making great decisions in his book, Principles , but he also encouraged readers to find principles of our own. It's been a few years since I read his book, and I have indeed found more wise principles for making great decisions. In case you are curious, the principles that Ray Dalio gave in his book are Overcome your ego and blind spots Seek out credible and open-minded people to discuss with Remember the 80/20 Rule Navigate levels of a decision Make decisions as expected-value calculations Use principles to systematize decisions I won't elaborate on them in this article because I've already done so in my book summary article . In this article, I want to share six more principles for making wise decisions. Focus on the side effects not just the intended effect, on the long-term not just the short-term, on the bigger group not just one person It's never just option A or option B. You can find options C, D, E. Don't think there's just one factor to the problem. Consider all the factors and their relationships. There is rarely ever a perfect decision When making decisions with others, factor in their feelings Make decisions from a calm and pure mind These are by no means an exhaustive list, but knowing them could help you avoid a lot of unnecessary suffering due to bad decisions. 1: Focus on the side effects, long-term, and bigger group This comes from the book Liao Fan's Four Lessons , which said: "Do not just consider the present action, but also consider its side effects. Do not just consider immediate effects, but also consider the long-term effects. Do not just consider the effects on one person, but also consider the effects on the greater whole." Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 Often, when people make decisions, they only focus on their desired outcome, and they forget about side effects (long-term effects and broader effects on others are both examples of side effects). This leads to narrow thinking that prevents us from seeing the bigger picture, resulting in poor decision making. For example, a friend of mine started working at a summer camp, and at the beginning, she told me she was really tired and overworked, and that the food there was too spicy for her, which upset her stomach and gave her stomachaches. Eventually she started feeling sick. I told her, " You should communicate these problems early with the school so that they can make adjustments accordingly. If they have enough people there, you don't have to force yourself to stay there the whole summer, right? " She replied, "But I don't want to be a bother to them. Plus, I promised that I would work here for the summer." In her mind, she thinks she is being considerate by not making requests to accommodate her individual needs, and that she is being trustworthy by trying to stay there the whole summer. But her kind intentions lack wisdom. First, thinking long-term : she might be able to get by in the short-term, but if this accumulates and she gets really sick, the school would end up having to take care of her in addition to the kids, which is giving them more burden. Or she might have to leave the school to go to the hospital or return home. Then it would be hard for the school to find a replacement teacher on such a short notice. The school would get upset at her for not telling them about her problems early on so that they could solve it earlier. Second, thinking for the broader group : if she gets sick, she might make others sick too. Or if she is exhausted, she might do her work sloppily, which then adds burden to other people and annoys them. After all, the school probably interprets the promise as having a healthy productive employee working there the whole summer, not a sick and tired person. Also, if the food is too spicy for her, it's possible that other people feel the same way, and if she spoke up about it, others might benefit too. Third, thinking about unintended side effects : if word gets out that she is very overworked and even got sick from working at that school, then people might criticize this school for not taking care of its staff, and people would not want to send their kids to this school in the future. Even worse is if the school gets blamed for abusing their employees when in fact she was the one hiding her symptoms. Then the school would be very angry at her. From this example, we see how sometimes, we think we are doing good because we have a good intention, but our good intentions are too narrow-minded and short-sighted, resulting in long-term harm and negative side effects. Unfortunately, it's quite common to see people chase short-term gains at the cost of long-term sustainability, or do things without considering the impact on others or the potential side effects. Thus, they bring suffering upon themselves and others in the future. A wise person would think about the long-term, the broader group, and the unintended side effects. 2: It's never just option A or option B. You can find options C, D, E. Oftentimes, we think there are only two options. But we can use our creativity to think of other options. The key is to focus on the goal rather than on the method. It's just like traveling through a city; there are always multiple paths we can take to get from one place to another. As long as we focus on the destination and be attached to a certain route, we can always find other routes. Image Source For example, I've recently been helping a couple English teachers with their classes. One piece of feedback they gave me was, " You give us lots of great ideas, but these all take time to lesson plan. We are so busy just trying to get the lesson done week to week, we don't have enough time to plan such an ideal lesson according to your standards. " It just so happened that one of the teachers had to take a break from teaching for a month, and the school asked me to cover her class. I said since I am covering her class anyway, I could take the other teacher's class too and just merge them into one class. That would give the other teacher a month off to lesson plan. After teaching the merged class a few times, I told them, " It's definitely feasible to teach all the students in one class. The level difference is not that big of a problem. If you two merge the classes into one, then you could take turns teaching the class one semester at a time. This way, while one person is teaching, the other teacher can plan all the lessons for the next semester. This would free up a LOT of time for both of you. " My suggestion ended up becoming a big discussion topic, and we spent hours talking about the pros, cons, and feasibility of it. Essentially, they were worried about the extra time it would take to grade homework for the merged class, as well as the difficulty of teaching students of mixed levels. We spent so many hours debating about whether to merge the classes or to keep them split, but later, I thought about the original goal, which is to give them more time to lesson plan, so I thought of another option. I told them, " Since our goal is to give you guys more time to lesson plan, then another option is for you guys to keep teaching your separate classes, but you both do semesters. Right now you both teach non-stop for most of the year, so you never have a break to really calm down, reflect on how you're doing, and plan for the future. If you taught for a few months, then took a two-week break, that would help you a lot. This option has a lot of benefits with nearly no downsides. " We also discussed many mitigation methods, such as having stronger students tutor weaker students outside of class time to mitigate the level difference problem, and not giving individual homework feedback to every student to mitigate the workload problem. When we are focused on the goal and not the method, we can always think of extra options. 3: Consider all the factors to a goal and their relationships Sometimes, when we are making a decision, we only see one factor, and we forget the possibility that other factors could be involved, or that one decision impacts multiple factors at once. To continue the example above, the two teachers were concerned that merging the classes would increase the homework grading required, which would reduce their free time to complete other responsibilities. If you look at the decision's impact on just this one factor (homework grading), then yes, this is true. But we have to remember that there are other factors, and we have to look at the overall effect taking into account all factors. I replied, " Yes it is true that you will have more students, which means more homework to grade. But you shouldn't forget that by having a merged class, you have a whole semester off to plan your lessons. That means when you do teach, you will spend a lot less time on lesson planning. You have to factor that in. So the main question is: Is the time you free up in lesson planning more than the extra time needed to grade homework for more students? This would be something you might have to experiment with to find out." As we discussed more, we realized that our ultimate goal is not just to save teachers time, it's to increase teaching quality. In that case, spending extra time grading students' homework actually increases teaching quality, which means we should do it. Plus, there are many other factors we should discuss about, such as having a teacher development plan, making tailored learning plans for students, and providing extra help outside of class time. We shouldn't be tunnel-visioned on one factor and forget about the other factors. 4: There is rarely ever a perfect decision Every option has their pros and cons, and every reward has its costs. We have to consider and weigh all the different factors and all their pros and cons and make the best tradeoff. We should also consider which cons can be mitigated and how easily they can be mitigated.   Sometimes, we sink into analysis paralysis, where we just keep analyzing options excessively. One reason is because we are looking for an obvious best choice. But oftentimes, there is no obvious best choice, let alone a perfect choice. If the analysis starts to go in circles, then it might be better to just make a decision. If you feel like none of the options are good, then one way to reframe the idea of " I want to make the best decision " is to think of it as " I want to make the least worst decision. " And remember: not making a decision is also a decision, and inaction has its pros and cons as well. Moreover, we can always try a decision for a short time, gather new information, and then re-evaluate. It's just like if you are not sure a certain vegetable would taste good or not, you can buy a little bit to try first. If it turns out to be good, then buy more later. In the case of the English teachers, one of the teachers decided to try teaching the big class for a few weeks to see how it goes. If she finds it manageable, then the other teacher could try it too. If not, then we can discuss why, and if it really isn't suitable, we can just return to two classes as before. 5: When making decisions with others, factor in their feelings As a very logic-driven person, I sometimes neglect others' feelings. But I ought to remember that the success of a decision is not just on how logical the decision is, but largely on the people who carry out the decision. Even if a decision is logically the best, if the people who have to carry it out don't support it, then they won't try their best. When they don't try their best, the decision will not be carried out fully, and when problems arise, the person will say, "See, I knew it. This decision was not a good idea." It became a self-fulfilling prophecy. If a decision wasn't logically the best, but the people really believed in it, then the people would work really hard to make it succeed and overcome all challenges. In other words: A logically good enough option with strong support from the people is better than the best logical option with weak support from the people. Hence, with those two teachers, I said, "Whether we merge the classes or not, it's most important that you guys feel happy with the decision. After all, you are the ones that have to carry out the decision. If you are unhappy, it will definitely reflect in your teaching quality." Ultimately, when making decisions with others, it's very important to get other people's buy-in as much as possible. Obviously, in a large group, it might be impossible to get everyone's buy-in or to reach a consensus, but we should still do our best to show that we've listened to every perspective and thought about them thoroughly before making the decision. This helps everyone feel heard and respected, which would improve their acceptance of the final decision. 6: Make decisions from a calm and pure mind. This final principle is the most important one. If we want to use any of the principles mentioned above, we need to first have a calm and pure mind, free from negative emotions and biases . Think about it: people who make bad decisions usually do so from an agitated or muddled state of mind. Thus, before we make a decision, we should first ask: "How is my state of mind right now? Is it calm, considerate, and peaceful? Or is it agitated, impatient, unhappy?" The wise sages of the past taught that we all have innate wisdom, which arises from a calm and pure mind. In other words, even if we never learned the principles for decision-making mentioned earlier, if our mind was calm and pure enough, we would naturally make wise decisions that are in accordance with the aforementioned principles. What blocks our innate wisdom? There's a Chinese idiom that says, "Desire makes wisdom muddled. Self-interest makes wisdom dizzy." (Original Text: 欲令智迷，利令智昏) In other words, it is selfish desire. Think about it, why do people make stupid decisions? Because their desire to get a certain benefit is too strong, such that they can't think about long-term effects, broader effects, other options, or other people's feelings. The stronger the selfish desire, the more tainted the mind becomes, and the deeper our wisdom gets buried. If we instead dim our self-interest and think for the greater long-term good, then we naturally end up benefiting ourselves and others. For example, when my friend said she didn't want to tell the school that she wasn't feeling well because she didn't want to cause trouble, was that coming from a calm and pure mind without any selfish desire? I would guess that there was ego involved, and the ego desires others to think good of them and is afraid of others thinking badly of them. If so, then her mind wasn't calm and pure, so the decision probably wouldn't be wise. Another example: when I recommended the option to merge the classes, was that purely to benefit them, or was there any selfish desire or ego involved? I would say it is purely to help them. I don't benefit at all from the decision because I won't even be there in the future. Later, when they resisted, was there ego involved when I argued for its benefits? Perhaps I didn't want to be viewed as dumb for recommending a bad decision. When I considered this possibility, I immediately reminded myself to filter through the decision making principles to ensure that this was a wise decision and not one tainted by selfish desire. All humans have a strong ego, so we have to be very cautious and not deceive ourselves when inspecting our mind and intentions. Using our logical mind to think about side effects, other options, other people's feelings, and other decision-making principles can help us to tame our selfish desires. But doing other activities to calm and purify our minds can help too, such as meditation, going for a calming walk, even taking a shower. It's not a coincidence that people get eureka moments in the shower…it's because their mind was really calm and pure in that moment, so a spark of wisdom came out. There's an old Zen saying that goes, "You should meditate for 20 minutes a day. Unless you're too busy, then you should meditate for an hour." When I first heard this, I didn't understand. If I'm too busy to meditate for 20 minutes, why are you telling me to meditate for an hour? That would just make me even more stressed and more short on time. Later, I started to understand. If our mind is so agitated from being so busy all the time, then our effectiveness in everything that we do would be low, and that would result in a negative spiral. It's like trying to cut a tree with a dull ax; it's tiring and slow. Sharpening the ax is analogous to purifying the mind. If we spent some time to meditate or do any activity that really helps to calm the mind down, then we would approach everything with more wisdom. One wise decision would save endless headaches from a stupid decision. Thus, if we can cultivate a calm and pure mind every day, and we can maintain this state of mind longer and longer, then we will see all things with more wisdom, and our quality of life will surely become better and better. Conclusion There are only a few things that can drastically improve the quality of our lives, and one of them is wisdom, which helps us to make excellent decisions. (In case you're wondering what are some of those other things that drastically improve our lives, the ones that come to my mind are relationships , virtues , and health , which is why I spend a lot of time learning about these.) This article discussed six principles for making wise decisions. If you try them or have other wise decision making principles, I'd love to know. Thanks, and cheers to a wise life ahead! Weekly Wisdom #250

Do you want to improve any of your current relationships, whether they be family, friends, or professional? Are you hoping to make new friendships with others? If so, do you know how to do so? On a related note, do you ever feel like you clearly show love and consideration for the other person, but they don’t seem to appreciate it? If you said yes to any of these questions, then this article may be helpful.   Happiness researcher Gretchen Rubin often says, “Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree that strong relationships are a key to happiness, maybe even THE key to happiness.”   Around 2500 years ago, the Buddha taught The Four Methods of Befriending (四攝法) to nurture relationships and make friends. In modern times, marriage researcher Gary Chapman discovered the Five Love Languages framework.   Comparing the Two Frameworks The Four Methods of Befriending are Giving : giving gifts and hosting guests. More broadly, it includes not just material gifts, but also the giving of time, energy, happiness, comfort, knowledge, and wisdom. Loving words : encouragement, appreciation, praise, and admonishment. Beneficial action : doing things to help them, reduce their burden, relieve their stress, etc. Activities in common : joining them in activities that they like to do.   The Five Love Languages are Gifts : big and small; no need for any special reason or occasion; the important thing is the sentiment and thoughtfulness behind the gift. Words of Affirmation : compliments, praise, encouragement and appreciation. It’s more meaningful when it’s specific and thoughtful. Acts of Service : running an errant for them, cooking, doing the chores, and anything else that reduces their workload and stress. Quality Time : giving them your undivided attention, joining them in activities that they enjoy. Touch : holding hands, hugs, a pat on the shoulder, a high five, or even just being close in space.   Image Source Did you notice how these two frameworks are almost the same? It is a great example of ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists having the same ideas!   The major difference is that the Five Love Languages has touch as a language, while the Four Methods of Befriending does not. This also makes sense since The Five Love Languages focuses on intimate relationships, while the Four Methods of Befriending focuses on all relationships, and touch is not very suitable for those we aren’t close with. We have to be socially and culturally sensitive when it comes to touch.   There are also a couple minor differences between the two frameworks. Giving in the Four Methods of Befriending is broader than Gifts in the Five Love Languages. Also, Loving Words is broader than Words of Affirmation because it encompasses giving admonishment and even harsh criticism so long as it comes from a loving intention.   It’s also important to note that these methods are not mutually exclusive. One act can have multiple love languages involved. For example, if we give someone a massage while chatting with them, that includes touch, acts of service, quality time, and the giving of time. If write a holiday card and give a small gift, that includes gifts and words of affirmation.   Using The Two Frameworks One key insight that Chapman found for the Five Love Languages is that although everyone appreciates every love language, people usually have one or two primary love languages that they prefer. In other words, if two people have different love languages, they might both think that they are showing lots of love and care for the other person, but the other person doesn’t really feel it.   Therefore, a key insight is that we need to learn the other person’s top one or two love languages and make conscious effort to love them in their preferred way. Otherwise, we tend to express love using our love language, and as a result, they might feel we are being nice, but they might also feel we aren’t truly loving them (at least not in the way they are hoping for).   Example 1: Spouses  Famous author and speaker Jay Shetty’s primary love language is gifts. It might be because during his childhood, his mother would always give him the best birthday gifts and surprise parties. However, his wife’s primary love languages are quality time and acts of service. Shetty would put in a ton of effort into giving gifts to his wife, but his wife never seemed to react as happily as he imagined she would. On the other hand, his wife would put in a lot of time and effort to cook healthy gourmet meals for him and want to spend good quality time with him, but he didn’t react with the same level of enthusiasm she was hoping for.   After learning about the Five Love Languages, Shetty realized that his wife is much happier to simply go grocery shopping together than to go for a meal at a nice restaurant. His wife also put in more effort into gifts for special occasions, which Shetty appreciated very much.   Example 2: Colleagues Let’s say we want to improve our relationships with colleagues. Here, the Four Methods of Befriending would be useful. We don’t even need to think about what their preferred method is (that’s more for intimate relationships); we can use any or all four methods: Giving : say good morning to them in the morning and goodbye when leaving the office, bring little snacks for everyone to share, give holiday cards or little gifts. Loving Words : give them encouragement, praise, thank-you notes, and timely advice. Beneficial Action : look for ways to help them with their work or reduce their stress. Activities in Common : attend social events together, chat with them and give them our attention and interest.   Example 3: Friends We may not see our friends every day like we do with family and colleagues, but we can still use the Four Methods of Befriending. We can give gifts on special occasions, encourage each other when we chat about our lives, help each other when needed, and spend time together doing things that we mutually enjoy together.   Conclusion We could all probably do a better job at nurturing relationships, which would be very beneficial for everyone in the relationships. For intimate relationships, it’s important to know their primary one or two love languages so that you can express love in their preferred way. For non-intimate relationships, using any and all of the Four Methods of Befriending would help. Weekly Wisdom #367

Welcome to this article series on Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). The aim of this series is to provide you with foundational and practical knowledge of TCM that you can use to improve your own health at home in daily life. The recommendations in this series are simple, accessible, and mostly free. After all, good health should be something that is accessible to everyone! Here is a clickable table of contents for this series: Introduction and Foundation The Five Elements Profiles Food and Cooking The Five Major Organs The Nine Body Constitutions The Body Clock Common Treatments from a Practitioner My Experience with TCM Health Advice From Doctors At A Chinese Medicine Hospital Sleep Tips from Traditional Chinese Medicine Emotions and Health This article is Part 2: The Five Elements Profiles Last time, we talked about foundational knowledge of TCM: Yin Yang, Qi, Blood, and the five elements. Recall that the five elements is a framework that connects the natural world to our bodies in terms of organs, emotions, flavors, colors, and more. Image Source: PowerPoint Wizardry by Yours Truly This article will go in-depth into the five elements. Here is a clickable table of contents to help you navigate the article: Part 1: Characteristics 1.1 🌳 Characteristics 1.2 🔥 Characteristics 1.3 🌱 Characteristics 1.4 🛠 Characteristics 1.5 🌊 Characteristics Part 2: Organs 2.1 🌳 Organs: Liver and Gallbladder 2.2 🔥 Organs: Heart and Small Intestines 2.3 🌱 Organs: Stomach and Spleen 2.4 🛠 Organs: Lungs and Large Intestines 2.5 🌊 Organs: Kidneys and Bladder Part 3: Emotions 3.1 🌳 Emotions: Compassion and Anger 3.2 🔥 Emotions: Joy and Sadness 3.3 🌱 Emotions: Openness and Worry 3.4 🛠 Emotions: Courage and Sorrow 3.5 🌊 Emotions: Determination and Fear Part 4: Personality 4.1 🌳 Personality: Constant Growth 4.2 🔥 Personality: Life of the Party 4.3 🌱 Personality: The Nurturer 4.4 🛠 Personality: The Well-Sharpened Sword 4.5 🌊 Personality: Goes with the Flow Part 5: Body Types 5.1 🌳 Body Type 5.2 🔥 Body Type 5.3 🌱 Body Type 5.4 🛠 Body Type 5.5 🌊 Body Type Part 6: Balancing Each Element 6.1 🌳 Balancing Wood 6.2 🔥 Balancing Fire 6.3 🌱 Balancing Earth 6.4 🛠 Balancing Metal 6.5 🌊 Balancing Water Conclusion --- Part 1: Characteristics 1.1 🌳 Characteristics The wood element season is spring; this is when all the new plants are growing. As expected, the wood element’s color is green, just like spring. The taste associated with wood is sour because fruits are still new and unripe in the spring, and so they have a sour taste. 1.2 🔥 Characteristics The fire element season is summer; this is when we have the most amount of heat and sun. As expected, the color associated with fire is red. Intuitively, you might think fire has the spicy taste, but the fire element is actually associated with the bitter taste. Here’s a good way to remember this: During spring, plants are still small and often get eaten by bugs, but as they grow bigger in the summer, they produce bitter chemicals that make them less appealing to bugs. 1.3 🌱 Characteristics The earth element is linked to the late summer season. This is the time when fruits ripen and become sweet, hence the taste associated with earth is sweet. The color associated with earth is yellow because yellow grass comes out late summer. 1.4 🛠 Characteristics The metal element is associated to the season of autumn, which is all about the falling leaves. Falling leaves represent letting go of things we don’t need and only holding onto the necessary things. The color of the metal element is white, which symbolizes death. The taste associated with metal is pungent and aromatic, which you’ll notice in fragrant spices like garlic, ginger, and basil. The sound of the metal element is crying since the trees are sad to let go of their leaves in autumn. The idea of metal being an element might seem confusing, but the reason metal is used is because this element can shape other elements, just as how a knife can shape food. You can also think of metal as similar to the element of air. The metal element is associated with dryness and the skin because there is cold and dry wind in autumn. 1.5 🌊 Characteristics The water element season is winter, which is a time of survival, isolation, and reflection. The colors associated with water are blue and black. The taste is salty just like ocean water and sea vegetables. Part 2: Organs 2.1 🌳 Organs The Liver and the Gallbladder are the wood element organs. They both detox the body and nourish Blood, which then strengthens the hair and nails. 2.2 🔥 Organs The fire element has two organs: the Heart and Small Intestines , both of which play a big role in our emotions. The Heart is the emotion center. The Small Intestines produce serotonin, which regulates mood and happiness in the body. Similar to how the Small Intestines separates nutrients from waste, it also helps our mind to differentiate from right and wrong or good and bad. 2.3 🌱 Organs The Stomach and Spleen are the earth element organs. Just as we can throw waste onto the soil, and then the earth turns it into nourishment for plants, our digestive organs transform food into nourishment for the body. In TCM, the Stomach holds the food, while the Spleen is responsible for digestion and nutrient absorption. In other words, the TCM Spleen includes some of the functions of the western idea of pancreas and small intestines. 2.4 🛠 Organs The two organs associated with the metal element are the Lungs and Large Intestines . The Lungs bring in nourishment (oxygen), while the Large Intestines let go of waste. The Lungs are also related to the immune system according to TCM. 2.5 🌊 Organs The two organs associated with the water element are the Kidneys and the Bladder . The Kidneys filtrate water, while the Bladder eliminates water. In TCM, the Kidneys are also related to our reproductive organs. Part 3: Emotions Western medicine tends to view emotions as separate from the physical body, but TCM explains that emotions are connected to our organs. Therefore, if we have trouble with a certain emotion, then healing the organ associated with that emotion will help us with that emotion. Amazing! Image Source: Yours Truly When an element is in balance, we experience the positive emotions associated with it. When an element is out of balance, we experience the negative emotions associated with it. As the next section, personality, will explain, each of us has one or two elements that are strongest in our body constitution, meaning we are prone to different emotions based on our innate constitution. 3.1 🌳 Emotions Positive emotions: love, compassion, and growth Negative emotions: frustration, anger; procrastination, and indecision. Anger and frustration relate to an unbalanced Liver, while indecision and procrastination relate to an unbalanced Gallbladder 3.2 🔥 Emotions Positive emotions : joy, happiness, and love. Negative emotions : sadness, anxiety, overjoy Notice that the fire emotions are all felt in the chest, near the Heart. Overjoy is also considered an unhealthy fire emotion because it leads to a big low afterwards. 3.3 🌱 Emotions Positive emotions : trust and openness Negative emotions : worry and overthinking The area where you feel the earth element in your body is the solar plexus (under the chest, above the belly button). When people start to worry, their solar plexus tighten, so breathing fully to the abdomen helps to relax worry. 3.4 🛠 Emotions Positive emotions : connection and courage Negative emotions : sorrow and attachment An example of attachment is losing someone or something you love and then being unable to let go of the past. 3.5 🌊 Emotions Positive emotions : willpower and calm Negative emotions : fear and shock; resentment, jealousy, suspicion When water is in balance, you can do whatever must be done. When the Kidneys are out of balance, people feel fear or shock. When the Bladder is out of balance, people hold on to resentment and grudges over seemingly small things from a long time ago. They are also prone to jealousy and suspicion. Part 4: Personality We all have all five elements in our bodies, but most of us have one or two dominant ones. Depending on which one or two elements are dominant in your body, you tend to have different personalities. Note that you could acquire characteristics of other elements if that element becomes unbalanced. For example, if I am an earth person, then I would naturally be very nurturing towards others. But if my Liver gets hurt, then I might start to have anger issues. You can take this quiz to find out which element(s) you are, or keep on reading and figure it out yourself. When thinking about your element, think about what’s been natural to you when you were healthy as opposed to only your current situation. As with the emotions section, the strengths will appear if the element is in balance, and the weaknesses will appear if the element is out of balance. 4.1 🌳 Personality A typical wood personality person is always climbing for the top, just like how a tree keeps trying to grow taller. Strengths : goal-setter, high-achiever, planner, gets things done Weaknesses : over-achiever; gets impatient, irritable, or frustrated easily; stubborn (my way or the highway) 4.2 🔥 Personality A typical fire person is usually very passionate and warm, just like fire. Strengths : passionate, fun, and charismatic Weaknesses : easily gets distracted or bored, doesn't like being alone, might not keep their word. 4.3 🌱 Personality A typical earth person is a nurturing and compassionate person, just like how the earth nourishes all living beings. Strengths : loyal, empathetic, great at resolving conflicts, and great at forming deep and long-term relationships. Weaknesses : prone to worry and overthinking, sensitive to criticism, and might get taken advantage of by others. 4.4 🛠 Personality A metal person is like a well-sharpened sword: very meticulous and efficient. They are not spontaneous, and they dislike disorder Strengths : dependable, hardworking, and disciplined. Weaknesses : difficulties opening up and sharing their feelings in close relationships; prone to feeling sad, misunderstood, or lonely. 4.5 🌊 Personality A water person is able to go with the flow, just like water. Strengths : easygoing, creative, self-reflective, and artistic; When in balance, they have strong willpower and determination, and they are seekers of wisdom. Weaknesses : when unbalanced, they are prone to self-doubt and fear of failure, which might make them have low motivation. Part 5: Body Types Image Source 5.1 🌳 Body Type Wood people are usually lean and slim with broad shoulders and a straight back. They tend to have a long face and olive skin tone. 5.2 🔥 Body Type A fire person tends to have a heart shaped face, smaller hands and feet, broad shoulders, wide teeth, and a slightly pointed head. Their hair may be curly or thinning, and their skin complexion tends to be reddish. 5.3 🌱 Body Type An earth person tends to have a pear-shaped body with rounded buttocks and a strong body frame. Their face is typically round with a wide jaw, their skin has a yellowish tone. 5.4 🛠 Body Type A metal person tends to have broad shoulders, a squarish face with defined facial features, pale skin, a flat Stomach, and maybe a smaller body. They usually have a strong voice. 5.5 🌊 Body Type A water person tends to have a round baby face, soft skin, narrow shoulders, and a long spine. They tend to have a larger belly. Part 6: Balancing Each Element When an element gets out of balance in our body, we will experience some negative symptoms. We can re-balance the elements using lifestyle factors such as food, exercise, and rest. For further details, check out Part 3 of this TCM series on food and Part 4 on organs. 6.1 🌳 Balancing Wood Out-of-Balance Symptoms : Getting stressed easily, tightness in the neck and shoulders, headaches, short temper, and often waking up between 1AM to 3AM. Lifestyle Tips : Keep the Qi moving through vigorous exercises and sports; have enough deep sleep to prevent burnout; do restful activities such as meditation and yoga. Food : Eat more sour flavors such as lemon/lime, oranges, tomatoes, and olives. Also eat more green foods such as leafy greens, beans, and avocados. 6.2 🔥 Balancing Fire Out-of-Balance Symptoms : mild anxiety, lacking joy, difficulty sleeping, vivid dreams, poor Blood circulation, and spontaneous sweating. Lifestyle Tips : Do relaxation activities such as meditation, breathing exercises, and yoga; Set aside time to wind-down and relax before sleep; Stay cool in hot weather. Food : Eat more bitter flavors. Many leafy greens have bitterness, such as kale, arugula, lettuce, and broccoli. Other foods with bitterness include asparagus, celery, parsley, bitter melon, and tea. Eating red foods also helps, such as tomatoes, carrots, strawberries, raspberries, and red-skinned apples. 6.3 🌱 Balancing Earth Out-of-Balance Symptoms : Digestive problems, excessive burping or gas, poor appetite, cravings for sweet foods, weight gain, fatigue especially around 3PM, mental fog especially after waking up, and poor muscle strength. Lifestyle Tips : Walking is a suitable exercise for earth because it is energizing and also helps you clear your mind. Do activities to calm your mind and worries, such as meditation, journaling, yoga, or tai chi. Food : To balance earth, you need to strengthen your digestive organs. You can do that by eating well-cooked and warm-temperature foods. Naturally sweet flavored foods, not processed sugary foods, are good for the digestive system. Examples include whole grains, potatoes, sweet potatoes, pumpkin, peas, and many fruits. But don’t eat too many raw fruits because that raw and cold energy hurts the Stomach. Cooking your fruits would be better. Yellow foods are also helpful, such as lemon, soy beans, barley, summer squash, and potatoes. 6.4 🛠 Balancing Metal Out-of-Balance Symptoms : Easily catching colds and flus, shortness of breath, congested nose, constipation, dry skin, tiredness, and grief. Lifestyle Tips : To balance metal, it’s important to strengthen the Lungs, which circulate air and Qi around the body. You can do breathing exercises or Qi Gong. Since metal people are prone to sadness, it’s extra important to maintain an active social life. Participating in community activities is a great way to do that. Food : Eat more pungent flavored foods such as onions, chives, garlic, fresh ginger, chili peppers, cinnamon, and wasabi. Naturally white foods also help, such as daikon radish, turnip, cauliflower, potatoes, and mushrooms. This does not include processed foods like white bread and white sugar. It’s also important to avoid mucus-inducing foods such as dairy, sweets, and fried foods. 6.5 🌊 Balancing Water Out-of-Balance Symptoms : Aches in joints, especially in the lower back, knees, or ankles; a feeling of heaviness or swelling due to fluid retention; memory problems; hearing difficulties; and cravings for salty foods. Lifestyle Tips : To balance water, it’s important to support the Kidneys by drinking enough water and avoiding stimulants like coffee, cola, and energy drinks. Water people feel good near water, so swimming in the ocean or even a bath is great for them. Do exercises that are calming and have low impact on the joints, such as yoga and Pilates. Food : Eat more naturally salty foods such as seaweed/kelp, miso, millet, barley, fermented products, pickles, parsley, and celery. Black or blue foods also help, such as seaweed/kelp, black beans, black rice, blackberries, blueberries, and eggplant. You can also add some natural sea salt (which is much better than processed table salt according to TCM) to your cooking, but don't overdo it. Conclusion Our bodies are connected to nature via the five elements framework. That means our organs, emotions, and food are all inter-connected. When we live in accordance with nature, then health occurs. When we lose our natural balance, then illness starts. This article explained the five elements in terms of characteristics, organs, emotions, personality, body type, and balancing tips. After reading this article, I hope you can identify your dominant element and take simple actions to support your health. The next article will go into depth about food and cooking.

Did you know that around 40% of our daily actions are actually habits? Despite habits being such a big part of our lives, many of us don't actually spend much effort to optimize them. But we should. The importance of habits cannot be understated. F.M. Alexander said, "People do not decide their futures, they decide their habits and their habits decide their futures." James Clear, author of Atomic Habits , says, “The quality of our lives depends on the quality of our habits.” Photo by Prophsee Journals on Unsplash Can you think of a healthy habit you want to start? Or perhaps a bad habit you want to break? Have you tried changing your habits before but it's just too hard? No worries, this article will teach you what you need to know to feel empowered to optimize your habits. Here is a clickable table of contents to help you navigate this article: Part 1: How to Build a New Habit 1.1 Make it convenient so it's not a hassle 1.2 At the beginning, make it quick and easy so you can't say no 1.3 After a while, make it a little bit challenging so it's not boring 1.4 Have a memorable cue and use pairing 1.5 Savor the good feeling 1.6 Get a streak going 1.7 Get accountability 1.8 Optimize your environment Part 2: How to Break a Bad Habit Step 1: Acknowledge that the bad habit served you well at one point Step 2: Understand your motivation and move up the motivation ladder Step 3: Know every single trigger Step 4: Remove the triggers that you can Step 5: Create if-then rules for the triggers you cannot remove step Step 6: Have someone you can call if you're about to fail Step 7: Replace lower tastes with higher tastes Part 3: Other Tips for Habit Change 3.1 Clean Slate 3.2 Lightning Bolts 3.3 Clarity 3.4 Safeguards 3.5 Abstainer vs. Moderator 3.6 The Four Tendencies Conclusion Part 1: How to Build a New Habit First, let's talk about adding a new habit to your life. If you can't think of any new habits you want to add to your life, consider this list of common new years resolutions that people have: Start exercising Start eating more vegetables and fruits Start meditating Start reading Start saving money Start spending more time with loved ones Note that this list is goals, not habits. To turn any of these goals into habits, we need to add a frequency and time duration to each. For example, we can say "exercise for 10 minutes every day." Alright, hopefully you have a habit in mind that you want to build. That thought is a seed. We need to give that seed the proper nurture and care for it to grow and thrive. Image Source If you want a habit to stick, there are 8 important things to take care of: Make it convenient so it's not a hassle At the beginning, make it quick so you can't say no After a while, make it just a little bit challenging so it's not boring Have a memorable cue and use pairing Savor the good feeling Get a streak going Get accountability Optimize your environment 1.1 Make it convenient so it's not a hassle In our modern society, most people live busy lives, and it's hard to find time to start a new habit. Habit experts all agree that convenience is one of the most important things to starting a new habit. Let's use exercise as an example. Even though people sign up for a gym membership, the obstacle of having to change into gym clothes, going to the gym, then showering afterwards...it's just too inconvenient! If we want to start the habit of exercising, we're much better off doing some exercises at home, doing some simple exercises that don't require changing into gym clothes. I heard an example of someone putting a yoga mat right next to her bed so that when she wakes up in the morning, she literally rolls out of bed onto her yoga mat and starts doing some yoga. It's hard to get more convenient than that! Another example is eating more fruits and vegetables. Some people feel like washing, cutting, and cooking fruits and vegetables is a big hassle. If that's the case, buying pre-cut fruits and vegetables that can be eaten right away is a great solution. Furthermore, keep these fruit and vegetable platters on the kitchen counter in clear sight rather than at the back of the fridge. That way, it's convenient for you to eat some whenever you want, and you don't need to go through the hassle of reaching into the back of your fridge to get them. If you want to start saving money, you could get your bank to set up automatic transfers from your checking account to your savings account, or set up monthly deposits into a certain investment. 1.2 At the beginning, make it quick and easy so you can't say no One of the big reasons we don't stick to a habit is because we start off too big. We might have high motivation at the beginning, but over the long-term, our motivation will vary due to certain days being more tiring than others. That' why new habits need to start small. Habit researcher BJ Fogg literally named his book Tiny Habits , saying, "The essence of Tiny Habits is to take a behavior you want, make it tiny, find where it fits naturally in your life, and nurture its growth." Image Source For example, when I wanted to start exercising, I felt like going to the gym for 3 hours a week was too time consuming. Later, I found this 5 -minute kitchen workout from Dr. Rangan Chaterjee, and then I told myself to exercise for just 5 minutes a day. No matter how busy I was, I can't really say I'm so busy that I don't have 5 minutes. That helped me get the habit started. If you want to start reading (or some other habit), you could start by just reading for 5-10 minutes a day, or whatever you feel is so small that you can't say no to. 1.3 After a while, make it a little bit challenging so it's not boring In order for us to enjoy something and to feel like we're improving, we need to set the difficulty level to be just a little bit challenging. If it's too easy, we'll get bored. If it's too hard, we'll get discouraged. Image Source For example, I started exercising by doing at least 10 push-ups every day. Over the period of a month, I added more and more push-ups, until I felt like I was doing too many push-ups and it was getting boring. Then I decided to try one-handed push-ups. It was an exciting and fun challenge that took me another month to get good at. But if I had started with one-handed push ups, I probably would have quit after day 2. For eating more fruits and vegetables, don't feel like you need to go from eating 10% fruits and vegetables to 50% fruits and vegetables immediately. Big changes are often not sustainable because they just feel like too much of a shock. Make small, gradual, and natural increases. The exception to his rule would be if something drastic happened in your life that calls for a drastic change, such as finding out you got some major disease. But for most of us, small incremental changes are best. 1.4 Have a memorable cue and use pairing In order to remember to do your new habit, you need to have a cue , which is something that reminds you to do the habit. The more memorable the cue, the more likely you'll remember to do your habit. For example, I put a dumbbell on my bathroom floor to remind myself to do some curls and push-ups before leaving the bathroom. I also put some fruit right on the kitchen counter so that whenever I pass by, I see the fruit and remember that I need to eat one today. To start my journaling habit, I put a journal and pen right on my bedside table. Pairing means tagging the new habit you want onto an already existing habit that you already have. You could do that new habit before, during, or right after the existing habit. For example, I started exercising by telling myself I need to do 5 minutes of exercise before I eat lunch. I also started meditating by telling myself to do 20 minutes of meditation right after waking up. I heard an example of someone counting gratitudes while waiting for the kettle to boil in the morning to prepare her morning tea/coffee. Dr. Chaterjee and his wife agreed that in the morning, from when they're making tea to until they finished drinking their tea, they would chat with each other and not be distracted by anything else. It only takes about 5 minutes or so, but he said it's had a huge positive impact on their relationship. 1.5 Savor the good feeling It's very important that habits help us feel good afterwards, and that we savor that good feeling. The memory of that good feeling is what will make the habit stronger and long lasting. When we start a new habit, we should consciously look for positive changes. For example, I noticed that after a week of doing push ups, I was able to go from 20 to 30. I savored the good feeling of making progress. After a week of doing one-handed push ups, I was able to go from 0 to 3. Again, I savored that good feeling. After eating more variety of fruits and vegetables for a while, I noticed my skin got better. By putting in effort to notice these changes and then savoring the good feeling, that got me excited and naturally wanted to keep going. 1.6 Get a streak going The feeling of making progress is very satisfying, and it also builds our self-confidence as someone who is able to persevere. You can make a habit chart, or journal about your habit completion. Image Source For example, I spent a few minutes a night journaling about my day every night, and I simply added "exercised" into my journal. When I noticed a big improvement in my ability, I'd also journal it down to savor the feeling. You may have heard the common saying that it takes 21 days to form a new habit. But research from University College London shows it actually takes on average 66 days for a new behavior to become automatic. While two months may seem like a long time, there's some good news too. Firstly, it just re-emphasizes the need to make a new habit really convenient and quick. Second, if you haven't found yourself doing the new habit automatically after 21 days yet, you don't have to worry. It's supposed to take longer. Third, the researchers found that making a mistake once or twice doesn’t impact the long-term habit formation as long as we get back on track quickly. In other words, it's okay if you miss a day, just reflect on why you missed that day and then get back on track the next day. 1.7 Get accountability Accountability means having someone we report our progress to or someone who does the habit with us. For example, you might get a personal trainer who's waiting for you at the gym. Or you might join a book club that discusses a chapter every week. Since humans naturally are social creatures who care about the opinions of other humans, accountability can help us stick to a habit. Personally, I have a meditation buddy with whom I chat with once a week about how our meditation sessions went over the past week. Accountability doesn't even have to be human. A habit streak tracker is a form of accountability too. I remember doing a 21-day no complaint challenge , and from the beginning I knew I wanted to write a blog article on it to share with my friends, so that was a form of accountability too. 1.8 Optimize your environment Humans are heavily influenced by our environment. In this context, environment includes our physical and mental environment, as well as the people we surround ourselves with. Let's take the example of eating healthier. For the physical environment, we should eliminate junk food from the house and replace them with healthy snacks. That way, treating ourselves to junk snacks isn't even an option anymore. For our mental environment, we should eliminate reading about delicious junk food or unfollow people on social media who post delicious junk food. Instead, we can follow people who post delicious healthy food. For the people we surround ourselves with, we should avoid people (to the degree that we can) who eat unhealthily and spend more time with people who eat healthily. In fact, research shows that if your close friend becomes obese, the likelihood of you becoming obese increases by 57%! Surrounding ourselves with helpful people and environment cannot be overlooked. Part 2: How to Break a Bad Habit Now that we've talked about building a new habit, the next topic that we probably all need help with is breaking existing bad habits. If you can't think of a bad habit you want to break, you can consider these common new year's resolutions: Eat less junk food Drink less alcohol Watch less TV Quit smoking Play less video games Where as good habits are like flowers that we want in our garden, bad habits are like weeds that we don't want. Furthermore, just like how weeds tend to stubborn and persistent in their growth, bad habits tend to be deeply ingrained because we've been doing them for so long. Therefore, it's important to treat ourselves with patience and kindness when facing a bad habit. Image Source Jay Shetty, author of Think Like a Monk , gives an excellent 7-step process for changing bad habits: Acknowledge that the bad habit served you well at one point Understand your motivation and move up the motivation ladder Know every single trigger Remove the triggers that you can Create if-then rules for the triggers you cannot remove Have someone you can call if you're about to fail Replace lower tastes with higher tastes Let's go through these steps with examples. Step 1: Acknowledge that the bad habit served you well at one point When we realize a bad habit is hurting us, we might try to push it away with a lot of force. But that pushing away is still a form of attachment; our hand is still on it. Hating something and liking something are both a form of attachment; they are two sides of the same coin. If we can acknowledge that this behavior was useful for me at one point in the past, but it no longer serves me now, then we can gently open our palms and let it go. For example, I used to play a lot of video games. I used to feel bad about wasting so much time in the past on video games. But that negative emotion is still a form of attachment, and attachment makes us unhappy and stressed. When I am stressed, I am more likely to do bad habits like playing video games. After hearing Jay's advice, I realized that video games served me well when I had a lot of free time and didn't know any better ways to use my time. Now that I know better, I should let go of that past habit just like letting go of my old clothes that are too small for me now. It is a natural and relieving feeling, not a forceful feeling. Step 2: Understand your motivation and move up the motivation ladder If we want to stay motivated to changing a habit in the long-term, we must do it out of our own free choice. We must not feel like we are forcing ourselves to do something we don't want to do. If we feel forced, then we will be unhappy and eventually stop trying. For example, let's say you want to replace junk food with healthy food. You don't need to think of it as " I need to stop eating junk food, " or " I can't eat junk food anymore. " That just feels like you're restricting yourself, which will make you feel unhappy, and then when you're unhappy you'll eat more junk food. Instead, frame it as, " I choose to live a healthy lifestyle so that I can set a good example for my family and grow old to see my grandchildren and not be a sick burden to my family. " In his book Think Like a Monk , Jay explains that we are motivated by four motivations: fear, desire, duty, and love. Fear is the lowest, love is the highest. It is hard for us to jump from fear to love, so we need to move up the ladder one step at a time. Jay gives the example of himself trying to eat healthier. He loves fried foods. But he learned how harmful fried foods are. That gave him fear. Then he desired visible results, so that motivated him to keep eat healthier. Then he thought about his duty to his family to be healthy. Then he thought about how much he loves his family and his body and how eating healthy is a way to show them love. Step 3: Know every single trigger. Jay gives the analogy of playing Mario. The first few times you play, you lose because you get caught by traps. As you keep trying, you take note of every single trap along the way to your goal. Then you can finally succeed by avoiding or dodging all the traps. The same is true for our bad habits. We all have triggers for our bad habits. We need to write down every single one. For example, Jay realized a common trigger for him was getting hungry at the studio. Then he would just eat whatever unhealthy snacks were available. For me, I often played video games as a way to take a break after doing some work. A very common trigger for bad habits is stress. I remember in the past, whenever I got really stressed, I just wanted to go play some video games for a while. It was a way for me to distract myself temporarily and forget about my worries. The problem is, afterwards, I still have to deal with my problems, and the procrastination often made them worse. Therefore, if we have bad habits, it's highly possible that there's some major stress in our lives that we're suppressing, and we need to improve our stress management abilities and respond in healthy ways. Step 4: Remove the triggers that you can For example, Jay and his wife changed the snack drawer in their home to only have healthy snacks. That way whenever he wanted a snack, it was impossible for him to eat anything unhealthy. Jay also gave the example of a friend who was trying to quit pornography, and that person blocked all the websites on his computer and phone, making it nearly impossible for him to commit the bad behavior. Step 5: Create if-then rules for triggers that you cannot remove For example, Jay decided to carry about a packet of dried dates and nuts. If he gets hungry at the studio, he would eat that healthy snack instead of anything unhealthy available at the studio. Step 6: Have someone you can call if you're about to fail This one is really interesting and useful. Essentially, calling that person helps to break our habit cycle. They can intervene and remind us of our goal and why we want to quit that bad habit. The fact that they gave us a pep talk will also motivate us to not disappoint them. Step 7: Replace lower tastes with higher tastes I really like the phrasing of this. If we simply try to remove a bad habit but don't replace it with something better, we probably won't succeed. But when we see our bad habit as a low taste, and we see a healthier habit as a higher taste, we will naturally prefer the higher taste. In Atomic Habits , James Clear explains that habits are actually a four-step loop: cue, craving, response, reward. Image Source For example, I used to crave sweets like candy and chocolate. My triggers (cues) include getting hungry between meals or getting stressed. My old response was to eat unhealthy snacks (lower taste). The reward is I feel pleasure and not hungry anymore. Then I change the response from unhealthy snacks to healthy snacks like sweet dates and nuts. At first, these health snacks didn't give me the same pleasure high (reward) as unhealthy snacks, but over time, I've come to prefer and enjoy the healthier snacks more. I became accustomed to the higher tastes and don't have any desire to return to the lower tastes. To give another example, playing video games is a low taste, and the reward is stress relief. Reading literature is a higher taste. Although at first it doesn't seem as enjoyable as playing video games, after I got accustomed to the new taste, I like it a lot better than the lower taste. Now, I would rather read and write over play video games. I have learned to seek meaningful joy (higher taste) over mindless entertainment (lower taste). Now that we've learned about starting new habits and replacing old ones, let's talk about some other useful tips for habit change. Part 3: Other Tips for Habit Change In her book Better Than Before , Gretchen Rubin explains 21 different tips for habit change. Many of them have been covered by this article already, but here are some of her other tips that I found to be highly useful: Clean Slate Lightning Bolts Clarity Safeguards Abstainer vs. Moderator The Four Tendencies 3.1 Clean Slate When we get a fresh start in life, it's often easier to let go of past habits and start new ones. Examples include a new year, a new school year, a new season, a birthday, a new job, a new relationship, or a new home. Take advantage of these new beginnings to start healthy habits and replace unhealthy ones. 3.2 Lightning Bolts Lightning bolts refer to when we encounter some new idea or information that suddenly makes it easy to change a habit. It's rare, but if it does happen, we should use it to our advantage. For example, some people become vegan overnight after watching a certain documentary that really moved them (again, rare, but possible). In one of the Doctor in The House episodes, the family was able to suddenly switch their entire diet from junk food into healthier food because they found out the mother got Type 2 Diabetes, which she had been fearing for a long time. Personally, when I was sick with a skin illness, and then I found out dairy and eggs is likely related to it, it was easy for me to give them up even though I really enjoyed dairy and eggs prior. 3.3 Clarity The more clear we are on why we want to do a habit, the more motivated we will be to do. For example, if you just say you want to lose weight, that is not very clear. But if you say you want to lose 10 pounds in 2 months because you want to feel more energetic throughout the day and fit in some old clothes, then your motivation is much more clear. We also need to be clear about what exactly we should do. For example, don't just say I will exercise more. Be specific about what exercise, when, and how often. For example, I heard B.J. Fogg, author of Tiny Habits , say that he created a habit where after he uses the toilet, he would do at least 2 push-ups. If he felt like doing more, he could, but he would do at least 2. That was extremely clear and specific. 3.4 Safeguards Safeguards are about anticipating what might make you go off track and then creating an IF-THEN rule to prevent yourself from going off-track. We talked about this in part 2 about changing bad habits, but this point is so important that it deserved to be stated again. For example, let's say you want to avoid junk food and eat healthier. You need to anticipate what might make you eat junk food. What if while hanging out with your friends, you pass by a café with lots of sweet snacks and drinks? You can create an IF-THEN rule " IF I end up at a café, THEN I will order a green tea instead of a sugary drink, and I will order their fruit platter instead of their sugary baked goods. " Then if the situation actually arises, you won't be caught off guard. Another example, " IF I am so busy that I forgot to do my 5 minutes of exercise today, THEN I will do 10 push-ups when I go write in my journal before bed. " Fortunately, this never happened to me, which shows that I did a good job setting up the habit. 3.5 Abstainer versus Moderator When facing strong temptations, it's easier for Abstainers to just abstain all together; it's very hard for them to indulge in moderation. On the other hand, Moderators do better if they can indulge just a little bit; it's very hard for them to abstain completely. For example, when it comes to eating less junk snacks, an Abstainer would do better to just not eat any chocolate at all. Ever. If they eat a little piece of chocolate, they end up eating the entire chocolate bar. On the other hand, Moderators do better if they can eat a little piece of chocolate once in a while; they won't feel the need to eat the whole bar. It's useful to know which one you are. 3.6 The Four Tendencies In her book, The Four Tendencies , Gretchen Rubin explains that there are four personalities according to how people respond to outer expectations (from other people) and inner expectations (from yourself). Upholders — readily meet outer and inner expectations Questioners — readily meet inner expectations only Obligers — readily meet outer expectations only Rebels — resists outer and inner expectations Each personality forms habits differently. Upholders form habits quite easily. Questioners must be very clear on why they want to do the habit, otherwise it won't stick. Obligers must have outer accountability, such as someone they're reporting to, someone to do the habit with, or someone they're setting a role model for. If it's only themselves that want to do something, they most likely won't succeed. Rebels hate the idea of self-restriction, so the habit needs to align with their authentic self-expression. For example, rather than exercising because they "should" exercise, they would do it because it aligns with their identity of who they want to be. The Four Tendencies is one of the most useful things I've ever learned, and I summarize it in depth in this article . Conclusion “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” — Will Durant Photo by Samuel Scrimshaw on Unsplash In modern society, we are all busy people with limited time and energy, working hard to improve our lives. When it comes to where we can spend our energy, optimizing our habits is one of those few things that could really make a drastic difference in our life. Most of us probably tried changing our habits in the past, but it didn't stick because we didn't do it well. Hopefully, from this article, you now realize why your past efforts didn't work and what you can do differently this time to improve your habits!

Whether you’re a student in school or a student of life, the ability to read and learn is a key skill. Harry Truman said, “Not all readers are leaders, but all leaders are readers.” Warren Buffet said, “Read 500 pages…every day. That’s how knowledge works. It builds up, like compound interest. All of you can do it, but I guarantee not many of you will do it.” Walt Disney said, “There is more treasure in books than in all the pirate’s loot on Treasure Island.” Unfortunately, our school system doesn’t teach us how to read effectively. As a teacher, I know many students often complain about having too much reading to do. That’s why I decided to take the Kwik Reading course from Jim Kwik, a world-renowned brain coach. The program taught me how to read faster while also increasing comprehension. I sure wish I had taken this program when I was a student! In this article, I summarize the key things I learned to help you improve your reading speed and comprehension. Key Ideas: Think FAST Use a Visual Pacer Indent Reduce Eye Fixations Reduce Subvocalization Practice the 4-3-2-1 Speed Drill Skim Before Reading Ask Questions Before Reading The first six key ideas are for increasing reading speed. The last two are for increasing comprehension. Many people think reading faster automatically means reduced comprehension, but that's false. When we read faster properly, we have more focus, which means our comprehension actually increases. Key Idea 1: Think FAST Fast means forget, active, state, and teach. Forget : When reading, we need to forget about our distractions and focus on reading. We also need to forget our limitations (like “Oh I’m not a fast reader”). Active : We should read with energy. To increase our reading speed, we need to practice daily, just like going to the gym. State (emotion) : The fastest learners are children, and it’s because they bring a great state towards learning. We need to bring out a state of excitement, wonder, and interest to learn faster and better. Teach : When you learn with the intention of teaching, you pay more careful attention. When you teach, you get to clarify your understanding. If you have no one to teach, talk to your wall. Key Idea 2: Use a Visual Pacer The two common visual pacers are a pen or your index finger. Have you ever noticed that children naturally use their finger to follow along the words on a page when they first learn to ready? It’s a great thing to do because it helps our eyes focus and not get lost on the page. If we get lost, we end up having to go back and re-read things, which greatly slows down our reading speed. A couple tips on using visual pacers: Instead of bending your finger along the page, move your whole arm. That’s less tiring. Don’t bend your body down to read a book flat on the table. Instead, sit upright and tilt the book. When you sit upright, your lungs can open, so you can breathe better and be more focused. Key Idea 3: Indent Most people when they read, the go from the very left of the line to the very right. But we have peripheral vision . That means we can start a little bit away from the left and end a little bit away from the right. That will increase your reading speed. Example: The more you practice using your peripheral vision, the better it gets, which means you can indent even more with practice. To improve our peripheral vision, we can use put our index finger out in front of our nose, and then trace the ∞ symbol. Use your eyes to follow your finger without moving your head. Jim Kwik recommends we do that for a minute before reading to warm up our peripheral vision. Key Idea 4: Eye Fixations Most people drag their finger along the entire line and read each word in the line. This results in our eyes making many stops or “ fixations ” along the line. Each stop takes time. To increase our reading speed, we can reduce the number of stops by using our peripheral vision. In other words, we don’t need to read one word at a time. We can train ourselves to see and read groups of words at a time. For example, when we see the word “hot dog”, we don’t need to think “ oh hot and dog together is the food that people eat. ” We automatically see it as one word. The same can be said for “New York City”. We don’t read the three words separately; we see it as one word. With practice, we can learn to see groups of words all the time. In order to practice this, simply take your book page and divide equally using 3 or 4 lines depending on how wide your page is. Here is an example: Put three dots at the top of your page to divide the page into equal thirds. Then imagine vertical lines from those dots all the way down. Then when you use your finger, don’t drag along the whole line. Instead, jump to those three dots. This limits your fixations to just three stops. Key Idea 5: Reduce Subvocalization Subvocalization is your inner voice reading to yourself. If you have to say each of the words, then your reading speed is limited to your talking speed instead of your thinking speed. Speed readers who can read 600+ words per minute have little subvocalization. You don’t have to pronounce words to understand them. 95% of words are sight words, which means you know them by sight not sound. Also, a lot of words are just filler words (e.g., and, there, the). As your reading speed gets faster, you will want to reduce subvocalization. One technique to reduce subvocalization is to say “1-2-3” while reading. You can say it inside of your head or out loud. At the beginning, it’ll be hard, and your comprehension will drop. But with practice, you’ll get used to it. Jim Kwik said this technique is optional since when we start speeding up the reading, subvocalization will naturally reduce. You will never totally eliminate subvocalization, nor do you necessarily want to. It’s also appropriate to subvocalize if you are reading information that is unfamiliar to you or if it’s really technical information. For example, students reading a textbook will probably find it appropriate to slow down and subvocalize when they come across important information. Key Idea 6: Practice the 4-3-2-1 Drill For muscle growth, we have to stretch and stabilize. Same for our reading skills. The 4-3-2-1 drill is like lifting weights for your reading muscle. Here’s how it works. First, read your book for 4 minutes. Mark where you started and ended. That’s your running track. We’re going to run that track 3 more times. Second, re-read that same track, but this time, finish it in 3 minutes. It’s fine for comprehension to drop. We’re practicing speed. Third, re-read that same track, but this time, finish it in 2 minutes. Keep using your finger as a visual pacer. You have permission to skip lines. Fourth, re-read that same track, but this time, finish it in 1 minute. Again, your eyes must follow your finger, and your finger must cross that finish line in 1 minute. It’s essentially scanning not reading, but that’s fine. We’re training your mind to not just read faster but also think faster. After doing this 4-3-2-1 drill, you can go back to reading as “normal”, but what you’ll notice is that your normal speed is much faster than before you did the 4-3-2-1 drill. Your reading muscles got stronger. This exercise is the main exercise we need to practice to greatly improve our reading speed. In the 21-day reading program, Jim Kwik had students practice it daily. Key Idea 7: Skim Before Reading Some researchers conduced a study where one group read something twice, while another group skimmed and then read it. Can you guess which group did better on a test? The group who skimmed first! Why? Skimming lets you get an overview first When you skim, you don’t get all the answers you want. You get confused. You ask questions. Then when you read it, you find all the answers. When we skim, we want to create confusion and even panic in our minds. Then when you read it, you will find answers. This also saves time compared to reading something twice. Ways to Skim: Take your finger and just go right down through the page. You miss a lot of peripheral vision but you get the key words. Use your finger and go through a Z or S shape on the page. Read 1 line forward then 1 line backward. When skimming, you can look at the pictures, diagrams, subtitles, and keywords. These will help raise questions in your head. Skimming should be very, very fast. If you skim too slow, it becomes reading not skimming. Key Idea 8: Ask Questions Before Reading When you skim, you’ll naturally think of some questions. Skim through all the pictures first. You might ask yourself what those pictures are about. Look at all the headings. You can turn headings into questions. For example, if a heading says “Photosynthesis”, you might ask, “What is photosynthesis? Why should I care?” If you’re a student and the teacher assigned you a reading, the teacher probably also assigned reading questions. Read through all the questions first. Skim through the reading and have a guess and where the answers might be. Then, when you read, you will be more focused because you’re looking for answers as opposed to just trying to ingest everything on the page. If you're not sure what questions to ask, here are some good questions you can always ask when reading non-fiction: Why did the author write this book? (when reading the introduction) What are the main ideas here? How can this be useful in my life? Summary Video Although I took a paid-course on speed reading, there's actually a great 9-minute video by Tim Ferriss on how to speed read. It talks about most of the things I learned in the course. Conclusion Reading is a skill. If you know the proper technique, you can get better instantly. Some easy techniques are to use your finger, indent, and reduce eye fixations. Reading is also like a muscle. If you work out a muscle, it becomes stronger. You can work out your reading muscle using the 4-3-2-1 drill once a day. To improve your reading comprehension, skim beforehand and note down some questions. One important thing to be careful about is that we shouldn’t feel rushed or anxious when we are reading, as if we are trying to just finish as soon as possible. We learn these techniques to improve our focus. In this way, we read faster while also improving comprehension. Now that you know how to read better, the most important thing is to go and practice! Once you see your reading ability improve, I hope you will enjoy reading and be a life long learner. As Dr. Seuss said, “The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.”

This weekend is Dia de los Muertos (or Day of the Dead) in Mexican culture, and I watched the film Coco (2017) in celebration. I think it is a very heartwarming film suitable for all audiences, and it also won the Best Animated Film award in 2017.   Image Source In this article, I will give a brief summary of the film (spoiler alert) and share my learnings and reflections.   Part 1: Summary Miguel is a young boy from the Rivera family in a small town called Santa Cecilia. The Rivera family is a family of shoemakers, but Miguel has always felt a calling to be a musician. However, his family shuns music and forbids Miguel from having anything to do with music. Despite this, Miguel built a secret shed where he watched videos from his music idol, the famous Ernesto de la Cruz, and taught himself to play the guitar.   One day, on the Day of the Dead, Miguel accidentally shattered a picture frame of his great-great grandparents. In the picture, his great-great grandfather's head was torn off. When he picked up the picture, he discovered that it was folded on the right side, and when he unfolded it, he saw his great-great grandfather was holding a guitar. And not just any guitar, it was the famous white guitar of Ernesto de la Cruz.     Excited about this discovery, he then announces to his family that he's going to follow in the footsteps of his great-great grandfather and become a musician. Unfortunately, Miguel's family still didn't approve. His dad said, "We've never known anything about that man. But whoever he was, he still abandoned his family."   His grandma said, "That man's music was a curse! You want to end up like that man? Forgotten? Left off your family ofrenda (altar)?"   Miguel said, "I don't care if I'm on some stupid ofrenda!"   His grandma then got furious and broke Miguel's guitar. Miguel cried and ran away with the words "I don't want to be in this family!"   Miguel ran to the town square in hopes of joining the talent show that night to debut as a musician. However, he needed a guitar, and none of the musicians there would lend him one. He then remembered that de la Cruz's guitar is on display in his shrine, and he decided to go "borrow" (steal) it. When he took the guitar and strummed it, it activated a curse that transported him into the Land of the Dead. As a result, he could see visiting skeletons, and living humans couldn't see him anymore.   Miguel runs into his ancestors who are shocked to see him alive but in the Land of the Dead.     They then take him to Imelda, his great-great grandmother who couldn't cross over to the Land of the Living because Miguel took the picture of his great-great grandparents off the ofrenda. A staff member at the Department of Family Reunion tells him that in order for Miguel to return to the Land of the Living, a family member must give him a blessing.   Imelda then offers her blessing on the condition that Miguel never plays music in the future. Imelda hates her husband for abandoning her with a child to raise because he wanted to chase his dream of being a musician, which is why the whole Rivera family hates music. Miguel agrees, is transported back to the Land of the Living, and then immediately breaks his promise and takes the guitar. As a result, he gets transported back to the Land of the Dead, and Imelda is very angry at him.   Miguel realizes that he needs the blessing of a family member who would let him play music, and the only person who can do that is Ernesto de la Cruz, so he runs off in search of de la Cruz. He runs into a skeleton named Hector who wants to go to the Land of the Living to see his daughter, but no one put up his photo on an ofrenda, so he cannot go. Hector knows de la Cruz, so they made a deal: Hector will help Miguel find de la Cruz, and in return, Miguel will put up a picture of Hector on an ofrenda.   After a series of challenges and adventures, Miguel finally reaches de la Cruz. When de la Cruz was about to give Miguel his blessing, Hector arrives at the scene and reminds Miguel to take his photo to the Land of the Living. However, de la Cruz is unhappy about this, which Hector and Miguel finds really strange. Hector and Miguel then find out that de la Cruz poisoned Hector to steal his songs. De La Cruz, fearing that they might ruin his reputation, then throws Hector and Miguel into a deep ditch.   Inside the ditch, Hector says that he wishes he could see his daughter one last time to tell her how much he loves her, but his daughter is forgetting him, and if she forgets him, Hector will disappear from the Land of the Dead, and he'll never have a chance to see his daughter Coco again. Miguel then realizes that Hector is his true great-great grandfather because Coco is his great grandmother. Moreover, Hector didn't abandon his family. On the contrary, he was trying to go home and chose his family over music, but it was his partner Ernesto de la Cruz who poisoned him and prevented him from going home.   Soon after, Imelda and her spirit guide arrives to save them, they expose the truth about de la Cruz, and Miguel returns to the land of the living and tells the truth to his family. He plays a song for Coco, and Coco then remembers her dad and takes out a photo she kept of him. Coco also said to the whole family that her dad was a musician, and when she was a little girl, he and mama would sing beautiful songs for her. From then on, the family lifted the ban on music, and everyone commemorated Hector Rivera instead of Ernesto de la Cruz.   Part 2: Learnings and Reflections   1: The Importance of Ancestral Remembrance I got interested in Day of the Dead because it is about ancestral remembrance, which is a very big deal in Confucianism and Chinese culture. In the Analects of Confucius , one of Confucius's students named Master Zeng said, "Attend to funeral matters conscientiously and hold memorial ceremonies with longing. In this way, the virtues of the people will return to abundance." (Original Text: 慎終追遠，民德歸厚矣。)   Confucianism teaches that out of all virtues, filiality (being a good child) is the first and most important. The core of filiality is gratitude towards parents. When we are grateful for our parents, we would naturally love, respect them, and want to make them happy. When we can respect our parents, we can then respect our siblings and other elders outside the family. When we can respect our siblings, we can then respect peers outside the family.   The thing is, no parent would feel comfortable telling their children, "You should be grateful to me. You should love and respect me. Do you have any idea how difficult it was to give birth to you and then raise you?"   Besides, filiality and goodness can't be demanded or forced out of someone. Children learn from adults' role modeling. If the parents are very filial towards the grandparents and ancestors, the children will naturally learn to be filial to the parents.   Thus we see the importance and value of festivals like Qingming Festival and Day of the Dead. On these festivals, children see all the adults and other children paying respects to ancestors and elders in the family. As a result, children would naturally absorb the idea that respecting the people who came before us is right and important.   In Chinese culture, people have an altar where they put up pictures or name plates of ancestors. On certain holidays (most notably Qingming Festival), they make offerings of food, flowers, incense, candle lights, etc.   Image Source Chinese people also visit ancestral tombs to clean them, remove weeds, make repairs, etc. People also bow or prostrate to the altar and tombstone as a way to show their reverence and gratitude towards ancestors.   I always thought ancestral remembrance is an eastern culture thing, so when I found out that Mexican culture does it too, I naturally wanted to learn about their version of ancestral remembrance.   Mexican culture is very similar. People also have an altar with pictures of ancestors. On Day of the Dead, they make offerings of their ancestors' favorite food and items that were important to ancestors (e.g., a favorite book or instrument). The altar also has flowers and candle light.   Image Source Mexican people also visit ancestral tombstones to clean, sing songs, and talk to their ancestors as if their spirits were there. It's so cool to see all the similarities between the two cultures' version of ancestral remembrance!   2: Family First A strong theme in the film was the conflict that Miguel faced between chasing his dreams of becoming a musician and his family's wishes for him to become a shoemaker and to stay away from music.   At one point in the movie, his great-great grandmother Imelda says to him,  "I'm trying to save you."   Miguel replies, "No! You're ruining my life. Music is the only thing that makes me happy, and you just want to take that away. You'll never understand!"   Imelda then starts singing.   Miguel asks, "I thought you hated music."   Imelda explains that she used to love music and singing with her husband. But after they had Coco, she wanted to put down roots, while he wanted to play for the world. They both made sacrifices to get what they want, and Miguel needs to make a choice.   Miguel responds, "I don't want to pick sides. Why can't you be on my side? That's what family is supposed to do. Support you. But you never will."  Miguel then runs off again.   This scene resonated a lot with me. I remember in my early twenties, I had a lot of conflict with my mother. I wanted to make some big decisions, but she didn't support me. In western culture, I was taught that I am responsible for my life, so I must make my own decisions. Regardless if I'm happy or not afterwards, the only person responsible is myself. Thus, I chose to listen to myself instead of my mother, and we had a lot of conflict and tension.   Later, I learned about Confucianism and filiality, and that to make parents unhappy is very immoral. After all, they sacrificed so much to raise us, how could we bear to intentionally make them upset and ignore their feelings? Moreover, from the perspective of karma, being unfilial creates a lot of negative karma, and I indeed encountered a lot of hardship during that time. After I decided to change and mend the relationship with my mother, things started to get better. I became happier and healthier.   Confucianism teaches that the parent-child relationship is the foundation for all other relationships. If we have any trouble with our relationships, we should look to the parent-child relationship to see if we have the same problem there.   For example, if we argue with our spouse, colleagues, or bosses about something, chances are we would do the same to our parents. If we can't even harmonize with our parents, who gave us more than we could ever repay, and who we should naturally love, how could we possibly harmonize with anyone else? This is also why conflict with parents is inherently draining and painful. People can try to distract themselves from that guilt, but it'll always be there in the background sapping away energy. I believe that if Miguel truly sacrificed family for music, he would have guilt in the back of his mind because everyone has a moral conscience.   3: Everyone Needs to Learn Conflict Resolution Although we should put family first, that doesn't mean we have to sacrifice ourselves and just blindly do everything our family demands. What I learned in western culture still holds true: only we alone can take responsibility for our decisions and our life. This concept does not conflict with putting family first.   If we want something and our family wants something else, what do we do? We patiently communicate until there is common understanding. When we truly understand them and they truly understand us, we'll naturally reach a shared agreement, and then we can go with that decision with a peaceful conscience.   What we don't want to do is copy what Miguel and his grandmother did (get angry, speak hurtful words, break guitars, run away from home…). At the root is our attitude. We shouldn't oppose our family, as if they are our enemies. We should remember that our family naturally loves us, and although they might not agree with us in terms of the matter, their goal is for our long-term wellbeing. Our goal is also for our long-term wellbeing, which means we have the same goal, and we are on the same team, so harmony is definitely possible.   In Miguel's case, he is only a child, and his elders are quite stubborn and controlling, so it's quite hard for Miguel to persuade them, but it's not impossible. It just takes time and sincerity. If he worked hard to fulfill his family's wishes and becomes a great shoemaker, his family would become very proud of him and trust him. When he has his family's admiration and trust, and then he questions about the rationale for banning music, he would have more persuasive power.   Perhaps the family says, "Because your great-great grandfather was a musician and he abandoned this family, so music is a curse to our family."     Miguel could reply, "I completely agree that abandoning the family for music is morally unacceptable. But I don't understand why music is a curse. I see lots of musicians out there who take good care of their family. Music is a big part of our people's culture. Is it possible that we might be creating unnecessary suffering for ourselves by trying to keep music away? Also, if my great-great grandpa was a bad role model for musicians, then if I become a good role model for musicians, wouldn't that be making up for his mistakes?"   Perhaps one conversation might not be enough, but as long as Miguel remains patient, sincere, and considerate towards the family, eventually his family would realize that they are being irrational and unfair to Miguel.   From the perspective of the elders in the family, they should also be more considerate towards Miguel. No kids likes to make their parents upset. No kid thinks it's a happy thing to hate your family so much that you'd want to run away. How did this all happen? Because the adults were too demanding and made the child feel suffocated.   Again, we shouldn't have the attitude of "it's either my way or your way". Instead, we should focus on understanding each other, on why each person wants what they want, and then see if there are other options that can help everyone get what they want.   I can understand that the family believes music is cursed and will bring back luck to the family, hence why they don't want Miguel to touch music. But they have to have the empathy to see that Miguel is just a child, and he doesn't view music as a curse. If they don't want Miguel to touch music, they have to help Miguel also see that music is a curse. Simply forcing him to not touch music isn't enough. In fact, it would just make him seek music in secret when they're not looking.   Perhaps they could share stories of many bad musician role models who were irresponsible to their family, and this is why they don't want Miguel to spend time with musicians. Or they share stories of how the family has encountered all sorts of bad luck whenever they touched music. In this way, Miguel won't feel like the family is unreasonable. Of course, if the family can't find any good reasons, then they should reflect on whether or not they are being unreasonable.   Also, when Miguel grows up, the family should respect Miguel's autonomy more. He is the driver of his life. His family members are support roles. It would be inappropriate for someone in the passenger seat to grab the wheel from the driver. If his family still forced Miguel to do things that he really doesn't want to do when he is an adult, that's not called love, that's called being controlling, and Miguel would resent them for it.   Relating back to ourselves, we have to do our role well, not demand others to do their roles well. If we are the child and our family isn't supportive, we need to be sincere, earn their trust, and communicate patiently. If we are the elders and our children aren't listening, then we should reflect on ourselves: Are we being too demanding and controlling? How can we help them feel heard and understood?   4: The Importance of Being A Good Role Model When Miguel ran off with Hector, Hector put some make-up on Miguel to look like a skeleton. That way, no one would know he's from the Land of the Living. Then there was a short scene where Miguel was copying Hector's walking style.   Hector said, "What are you doing?"   Miguel said, "I'm walking like a skeleton."   Hector said, "Skeletons don't walk like that."   Miguel said, "It's how you walk."   Hector said, "No I don't. Stop it!"     In actuality, Hector indeed walked like that. It reminds of the saying, "Kids don't do what their parents say. They do what their parents do."   Miguel's family might be upset at Miguel for being so rash, stubborn, and running away from them. But how did Miguel develop that kind of personality? Where did Miguel learn those traits? Isn't it from the elders in the family? We also saw how stubborn and quick-tempered his grandma was. So if they want Miguel to be more humble and understanding, they need to model that behavior for Miguel.   Miguel was also heavily influenced by his hero, Ernesto de la Cruz, who said things like, "I have to play. I have to sing. The music, it's not just in me, it is me", "The rest of the world may follow the rules, but I must follow my heart", "I am done asking for permission. When you see your moment, you mustn't let it pass you by. You must seize it."     Miguel often watched and re-watched tapes of de la Cruz saying these things, so he would often think these same thoughts. It's because of him that Miguel would value music over his family and not care about rules or getting permission. From the perspective of karma, Miguel has the main responsibility for listening to de la Cruz, but de la Cruz also has some responsibility for misguiding an ignorant child to be unfilial towards his family.   The thing with bad influences is that a lot of the things they say seem good, but there's a small portion that is improper and deadly. It's like how a glass of water only needs a drop of poison to be poisonous. Therefore, we need to be very careful when judging if someone is a good or bad role model.   In the case of de la Cruz, he said some reasonable things like, "I had to have faith in my dream. No one was going to hand it to me. It was up to me to reach for it and make it come true."  But the other improper things he said make him a bad influence regardless of the good things he said.   Relating back to us, we need to be very cautious about our own role models and the role models of our children. Bad role models taint our thinking. Our thoughts determine our actions, and our actions determine our life. Thus, prolonged exposure to bad role models would eventually bring disaster.   Conclusion I really enjoyed watching Coco, not just for the beautiful animations, but for all the food-for-thought that the film offers. These are just my learnings and reflections, and I'm sure there are many others. If you have any other life lessons you took away from the film, I'd love to hear about them. Lastly, thank you to ancestors for all that you've done for our family lineage, and happy Dia de los Muertos to everyone! Weekly Wisdom #366

I recently watched The Wild Robot , and it was a heartwarming and inspiring film with many valuable life lessons for me. I'd definitely recommend it for all audiences. Image Source Below I give a very brief summary of the movie, and then share my learnings and reflections (spoiler alert).   Brief Summary A cargo ship of Universal Dynamics ROZZUM robots encounters a storm and crashes onto an island. Only ROZZUM Unit 7134 survives, and the animals later call her "Roz". These robots are all programmed to help humans with tasks and prioritize customer satisfaction.   When Roz gets activated, she tries to help all the animals she encounters on the island, thinking that these are the customers that ordered her. However, all the animals are scared of her, and her "help" is not welcomed. Later, Roz realizes that she does not understand what these animals are saying, so she analyzes and learns their language. She then tries to help more animals, but most animals are scared of her and run away or attack her.   While running away from an angry grizzly bear, Roz accidentally crushed a goose nest, but noticed one surviving egg and decided to protect this egg until it hatches. A fox named Fink tries to steal the egg, but Roz manages to save the egg. The egg hatches, and the gosling thinks Roz is his mother. Roz thinks her mission is complete because she helped the egg hatch, but the gosling keeps following Roz around. When Roz tried to send a return signal to homebase, the gosling broke her transponder (unintentionally of course).   Roz is frustrated and runs into a mother opossum named Pinktail, who explains to her that this gosling thinks Roz is his mother, and gives her the mission of helping this gosling learn how to swim and fly before the winter migration. Roz accepts the mission. Image Source Roz does not have the programming to raise a gosling, so she fails quite badly at it. The fox Fink sees Roz failing at trying to raise the gosling and decides to offer his help in exchange for Roz helping him with food and shelter. Fink also urges Roz many times to overcome her rigid programming and use instincts and feelings. Roz struggles at first, but eventually is able to do it.   After many challenges, Roz eventually succeeds in raising the gosling, whom she named Brightbill, and Brightbill is able to join the winter migration. During the whole process, Roz also made friends with the animals on the island and saved them during a winter snowstorm.   Lesson 1: If you don't understand them, then you cannot love them. At the beginning, Roz tried to help all the animals she encountered. The problem is, her programming is to help humans, and she knew nothing about animals, their language, or their needs. In other words, she was using her  ideas of what these animals might want based on her limited programming. In reality, it's not what these animals wanted. Later, she learned the language of the animals and realized that the animals were annoyed at her. She eventually learned how to get along with the various animals on the island.   Image Source Similarly, have we ever tried to help others and give them what we think is good for them, but they respond with annoyance or anger? In that case, we shouldn't blame them for being ungrateful, but rather reflect on ourselves. Are we using our biases and imposing our limited understanding onto them? Have we confirmed our understanding of their situation with them? Do they feel that we understand them, not just logically but also emotionally?   2: Taking on responsibility is the beginning of growth At the beginning of the movie, Roz could only think according to her limited programming. She had no idea how to raise a gosling, nor did she have any emotional intelligence. In fact, when Pinktail told her that this gosling thinks Roz is her mother, Roz actually replied,  "I do not have the programming to be a mother. "   Pinktail replies, "No one does. We just make it up."   Roz says, "Without an assigned task, my next priority is to return to factory."   Pink Tail replies, "Taking care of him is your task now."   Roz replies, "Task acquired. Return mode delayed. A Rozzum always completes its task."   Image Source Since Roz has a strong sense of responsibility, she is determined to complete whatever task assigned to her, no matter how difficult. This is something we should learn from Roz. Because she was willing to take on responsibility, she was able to grow and learn new programming, ultimately becoming a great mother to the gosling and even to all the animals on the island.   (Side note: She also serves as a reminder to us about how amazing all parents are, especially mothers, for taking on one of the toughest responsibilities in the world: raising a baby.)   Brightbill is a runt goose, meaning his body and wings are smaller than usual, making it hard for him to fly. Despite this physical disability, he also had a strong sense of responsibility. He didn't want to let his mother down, so he persevered through lots of tough training, including carrying rocks and pulling boats until he proved his flying abilities to join the migration group.   Image Source We can learn from Roz and Brightbill by taking on responsibilities for a purpose greater than ourselves. If we only do something for ourselves, we'll get disheartened and lazy in the face of difficulty. But if we do it for a purpose bigger than ourselves, we'll gain more power and motivation to persevere. The reward isn't just attaining the desired result at the end, but more so the growth in our character throughout the process.   3: The power of role models and faith As mentioned earlier, Brightbill's body is smaller than usual geese, which makes it very hard for him to fly. In fact, the elder geese in charge of the migration actually didn't believe Brightbill could fly at all, meaning he'd die in the first winter of his life.   At the beginning, Roz taught Brightbill to fly by analyzing videos of normal geese flying. But Brightbill struggled. Later, she thought of another idea: she found a hawk named Thunderbolt, who's body shape and size is very similar to Bightbill's, to teach him.   The first thing that Thunderbolt said to Brightbill is, "So you think small wings are a disappointment? Small wings have teeth: The claws of the sky."   He then extends his small wings and tells Brightbill, "Show me your teeth!"   Image Source Brightbill looks at him skeptically but extends his wings. Thunderbolt said, "Beautiful. Begin!"   Thunderbolt then soars into the sky. Roz tells Brightbill, "Remember: there's nothing he can do that you can't."   Thanks to the encouragement from Thunderbolt and Roz, Brightbill finally gains faith in himself and leaps into the air, flying and following behind Thunderbolt's tail.   Thunderbolt then teaches Brightbill to use his smaller wings to its full advantage, explaining, "Your shape makes it more work to fly straight, but easier to turn and dive."   Thunderbolt goes for a dive, and Brightbill tries to keep up. Thunderbolt affirms him saying, "Not bad for a goose!"   Shortly after, Brightbill learns to fly with skill and agility just like a hawk.   Image Source We can reflect on ourselves: Are we more like Roz and Thunderbolt, giving others faith and encouragement? Or are we more like the other geese, giving others doubt and discouragement? Even more foundational, what's our self-talk like?   We've probably all struggled with difficulty before, and we might start to lose faith, thinking "I can't take it anymore. I want to give up." When this happens, it's very helpful to find a role model whom we can relate to, just like Thunderbolt to Brightbill. Study how they succeeded and emulate them. Like Roz said, if that person can do it, so can we.   A quote I often think of in the face of difficult is this one by Ryan Holiday: "Don't forget, though, that you come from a long, unbroken line of ancestors who survived unimaginable adversity, difficulty, and struggle. It's their genes and their blood that run through your body right now… as their viable offspring, you're capable of what they are capable of. You're meant for this."   Nowadays, many people talk negatively to themselves and others. People say words of discouragement and doubt instead of encouragement and faith. This is a tragedy because faith is the mother of potential and success.   For example, people used to think it's impossible for the human body to run a 4-minute mile. After Roger Banister broke that belief, lots of people started breaking the 4-minute mile. If we are always discouraging and doubting ourselves and others, think of how many amazing possibilities are extinguished before even given a proper chance. Thus, it's very important to keep faith alive. Be a cheerleader, not a naysayer .   Even if the idea is very unlikely to succeed, from the perspective of human sentiment, it's much easier to accept this fact after we've tried and failed as opposed to someone shooting down our ideas without even giving us a chance. No one likes being doubted or shot down, so we should not do that to others. When we encourage and support others, others will eventually learn from our role modeling and do the same to us.   4: Kindness is a long-term survival skill Near the beginning of the movie, Roz told Fink, "My power cords are damaged, and I need a replacement transmitter."   Image Source Fink said, "When we run across another robot, we'll kill it and take its parts."   Roz replied, "Negative. Rozzling inhibition protocols prevent deliberate harm to others."   Fink said, "You need to learn how things work on this island. Me, the bear, everybody, we're all just trying to survive. And kindness is not a survival skill."   However, Roz always remained kind and selfless. No matter how much other animals bullied her, she never felt resentment towards them, and she continued to adjust herself and find ways to create harmony with them.   When the winter came, all the animals went to their own shelters to hibernate. Roz created a big house for herself, Brightbill, and Fink before, so she went there to "hibernate". Later, she was woken up by Fink. She asked why Fink is back here and started a fire. Fink replied that there's a terrible blizzard outside, and the only way to survive was for him to come here.   Roz immediately asked if there are other animals in danger. Finck nodded and reluctantly agreed to help Roz go save the other animals and bring them to the house. Image Source After saving tons of animals, they all started fighting each other in the house.   Roz asked, "What's happening?"   Fink said, "You got a bunch of predators and their food supply in one room. What do you expect?"   Roz is already very low on power because she used it all up rescuing animals in the storm, and there's no sunlight to recharge her batteries. Lying down with almost no power left, she said, "Fink, please help them."   Fink then shouts to get everyone's attention and makes a speech: "I hate most of you. Everyone here hates someone else. But here we are, and here's the deal. First one to walk out this house is dead, and if we can't keep it together in here, everyone's dead. We all have one chance to survive this winter and see next spring, and that's because of her (pointing to Roz). The monster. Her name is Roz. While you all ran from her, stole from her, and made fun of her, all she's been trying to do is raise her kid. The little one that no one gave a chance. She's the one that got you out of the storm, built this place, and despite my suggestion that she let you all freeze, she risked everything to bring you here."   Image Source Roz then said, "I know you all have instincts that keep you alive. But sometimes, to survive, we must become more than we were programmed to be . Before I shut down, I need you to promise me one thing: a truce, just while we're in here."   The animals were all touched and felt ashamed for their past behavior, and they agreed to a truce and hibernated together in the house.   Near the end of the movie, the animals got together in Roz's house for another winter, but this time Roz is not there. Fink tells the story of Roz to some kids: " Once, there was an island of all sorts of animals. They fought and they ran and they hid. But most of them, they were scared. But then, a robot fell right out of the sky. Roz. She had some strange ideas, but kindness was her survival skill. You know what, she was right. "   Image Source This was probably one of the most heartwarming scenes in the movie for me, seeing the animals overcome their animal instincts and choosing kindness over selfishness. They were able to do this because Roz set a good role model for them and touched their hearts.   As Mencius said, "One who loves others will always be loved by others. One who respects others will always be respected by others."   Mencius is not saying that if we love and respect others, others will immediately love and respect us back. Trust and good relationships take time to build. But as long as we persist, just like Roz did, others will eventually be touched and reciprocate our love and respect.   If we only care about our own survival, about short-term self-benefit, then even though we might get ahead in the short-term, we'll lose out in the long-term. Think about it: if we gain happiness at the cost of others' happiness, then others will resent us and seek to get back at us in the future. That short-term gain comes with the cost of long-term fear and harm. Besides, if we are happy but the people around us are unhappy, how long can we stay happy?   On the other hand, if we focus on helping others be happy, then they will be grateful towards us and want to help us back in the future. If the people around us are happy, it's kind of hard to not be happy with them. Thus, kindness is indeed a long-term survival skill. If even those animals could overcome their animal instincts and choose kindness over selfishness, then surely we humans can as well. 5: The Innate Love Between Parent and Child I really appreciate how the movie shows a parent-child relationship through a robot mother and a gosling. There were many touching scenes that reminded me of the innate love between parent and child.   For example, when Brightbill first hatched, Roz was trying to go to high ground to send a signal for pick-up from headquarters, but Brightbill kept following her around. He would naturally try to get on Roz's shoulder and cuddle by her face. This is just like how an infant naturally loves parents. Image Source   Later, when Roz was trying to teach Brightbill how to swim and fly, Roz shot him into the air and water, and Brightbill was quite startled. Despite those scary experiences, Brightbill never doubted Roz's love for him. He continued to love Roz like a baby loves his mother.   When Roz was building a house for them, she was lifting and stacking all these heavy logs as fast as she could. Brightbill then pecks at her foot with a small twig in his mouth. Roz said, "Your help is not needed. You will only slow down my work."   A few moments later, Brightbill pecked again at her foot. Roz then looked down, sighed, and said, "Alright, just this once."  Then she picks up Brightbill and lets him put a twig on logs. In this way, Brightbill feels like he is contributing to the house-building. Roz then continues stacking logs, and shortly after, Brightbill pecks at her foot again…and again…and again. Each time, Roz let Brightbill add more twigs.   Image Source That scene was really heartwarming and touching to me. It made me think of all the sacrifices that parents make for their young children, and how parents are willing to go through a lot of trouble to raise their children. Before having children, adults can do whatever they want in their free time. After having children, they don't have any free time anymore. They can't just go to the mall or hang out with friends or go on trips. Their whole life has to be re-organized to put the child at the center.   Unfortunately, many of us don't think about all the patience that our parents gave us when we were babies, or all that parents have sacrificed for us to raise us. If we did, then we'd all have a more loving and patient attitude towards our parents.   Another scene was when Brightbill got very angry at Roz for hiding the fact that she accidentally killed his real parents. He even told Roz to go away and leave him alone. Despite this, Roz didn't blame Brightbill or disown him. She had a little inner crisis where she doubted herself as a mother and whether or not she should just return to factory, but ultimately, she decided that Brightbill needs to learn how to fly if he is to live past winter, and so she went back to find Brightbill.   This reminds me of how sometimes, kids will get really upset at parents for not understanding them or doing something that they feel is very unfair. The thing is, the parents probably had good intentions, so it was either an accident or a misunderstanding. Parents are human too, and as humans, we all have faults and make mistakes. But parents love their children even after being treated very disrespectfully or hearing hurtful words, and they will try to do better for their children, just like how Roz still loved Brightbill.   When Brightbill saw that Roz still loved him and had his best intentions at heart despite his hurtful words, he was quite touched and started working hard to fulfill Roz's wish for him: to be able to fly and survive the winter.   Later, another elder geese told Brightbill, "You are a runt, so no one believed you would be able to fly. It's quite a miracle that you can fly, and it's all thanks to her. The accident that killed your parents saved you." Brightbill then felt very guilty for the way he treated Roz. When Roz apologized for the accident, he told her, "What happened is not your fault. But what you did to try to fix it is everything."   I think that line is something we can all keep in mind. We all make mistakes, and saying sorry is the bare minimum we should do. But to truly make it up to others, we should do our utmost to repair the damage we've done and even give a bit more. In Roz's case, not only did she take on the mother's role for Brightbill, she was an exceedingly stellar mom.   After Roz flew off for winter, Fink asked Roz if she would go back to headquarters. Roz was hesitant. On the one hand, her mission was complete. But on the other hand, she worried about Brightbill. Ultimately, she decided to wait until Spring because she really wanted to see Brightbill return safely.   It reminds me of how parents are always thinking about and worrying about their children. Children might find it annoying and troublesome that parents are always worrying about them, but if we change our perspective and view it as their natural parental love for us, we wouldn't demand them to not worry about us. Instead, we would appreciate their love and care for us.   Conclusion I really enjoyed The Wild Robot , not just because of the touching story and great humor, but also because of the insightful life lessons. These are just my learnings and reflections, and I'm sure there are many others. If you have any other life lessons you took away from the film, I'd love to hear about them.

At my school, we take our kids out to a nearby sports park every day after lunch for recess. The sports park has a soccer field, a basketball court, mini golf, ping pong, and giant life-sized chess boards. This sports park has a few office buildings beside it, and it is open to the public.   This past Tuesday, I was on lunch duty and took the kids to the sports park with another teacher. Most of the kids were playing soccer, but one kid had a tantrum. Let's call him Joe.   Joe was looking forward to playing with the life-sized chessboard, but when we arrived, it was gone. He then started shouting and crying "IT'S NOT FAIR! YOU GUYS SAID THERE WAS A CHESSBOARD! WHERE'S THE CHESSBOARD!"   Joe is also the same kid who cried about having vegetables put on his pasta , and the school knows he overreacts to many things, so nobody paid much attention to him. But as the teacher, I couldn't just ignore him, so I tried to help him calm down.   I said to him, "Joe, please keep your voice down. We are in public. There are other people around."   He continued shouting, "BUT YOU GUYS SAID THERE WOULD BE A CHESSBOARD HERE! YOU LIED!"   His classmates replied, "Well, there WAS a chessboard here yesterday. But it's gone today. We don't know why either."   He started crying, "WHY DO THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE LIKE THAT!"   I then asked him to take deep breaths and waited for him to calm down a little. He started breathing through a paper bag and then squeezed and broke it with his hand.   After a while, I said, "OK, so there was a chessboard here yesterday, and today it's gone. Things are always changing in life, right? Have you ever told someone something, and then later you found out things changed? You didn't lie to them on purpose. Things changed and you didn't know."   He said, "But I came here for chess! Why do things have to change! I can't take it!"   I said, "Being upset doesn't help. Remember the story we read before about The Girl Who Has a Million Problems ? Who would she do?"   He said, "I don't know."   I said, "Maybe she would bring her own chessboard next time. And she would just go play soccer now."   He then started repeatedly saying, "IT'S NOT FAIR IT'S NOT FAIR IT'S NOT FAIR. I WANT CHESS NOW."   I then got annoyed and said, "What do you mean it's not fair? This park is not your park. Do you see those office buildings over there? The park belongs to them. They are generous to open it to the public. It's already a gift that we can use it. Also, please keep your voice down. If they hear you screaming, they might complain about our school, and then our school might get banned from the park because of your screaming. That would be very unfair to the school. So if you cannot be considerate of other people, then we cannot take you out for lunch recess."   He then started bawling even louder. I was at a loss for words, so I just let him cry until we went back to school.   Later in the last period of school, I was teaching Joe's class English. I prepared a story video with a worksheet.   Joe asked, "Can I have the jello that I forgot to get on Monday?"   I said, "No, I only give out jellos on Mondays when I talk about the chores that different students did at home over the past week."   He said, "But WHY. I forgot to collect it on Monday. Why can't I have it now? It's not fair!"   I then got annoyed and said, "You're right. It's not fair. Do you see any other teachers giving out jello? I spend my own money to buy these jello for students because I want to reward good behavior. But maybe I shouldn't buy any at all if students start demanding them as if they are entitled to them."   He then went silent. When I passed out a worksheet to him, he asked, "Can I not do this worksheet?"   I said, "No. Everyone is doing it."   He then started hyperventilating, crying, and saying, "I can't take it, I can't take it, I can't take it."   Other kids in the class got annoyed and said, "JOE! STOP ACTING LIKE A CRY BABY!"   I then realized I need to curb my impatience and guide the class to be patient. I told them, "OK everyone, Joe is feeling overwhelmed right now. Shouting at him is not helpful. Please give some helpful suggestions for Joe."   One student said, "How about Joe goes cry in the washroom?"   I said, "The washroom is not a nice place to tell someone to cry in."   Another student said, "What about in the counselor room next door? There are comfortable sofa chairs in there."   I said, "That's a good idea. Joe, would you like to go sit on the sofa chairs there and calm down?"   He didn't answer and just continued to whimper.   I said, "OK Joe, I'll give you two options. Option 1 is go to the counselor room next door and calm down, then come back. Option 2, if you think you can calm down here while I play the video, then you can stay. Which option do you want?"   He said, "I don't think I can get up."   I said, "OK, we'll do option 2 then."   I played the video for a few minutes, but Joe just kept crying and saying, "I can't take it. I can't take it. I can't take it." I then took Joe to the office and asked another teacher to help.   After around 15 minutes later, near the end of class, there was a knock at the door. I opened it and saw Joe with a smile on his face. The other teacher said, "Joe, what do you say?" Joe said, "Sorry" with a smile.   I was very surprised. How did Joe go from being out of control to suddenly happy in just 15 minutes? I asked Joe, "So, what happened?"   He said, "Uh I don't know. I guess I had a panic attack."   I said, "Oh. So how did you get better?"   He said with a cheeky smile, "I ate some cookies."   I was speechless. I know he loves food and takes food very seriously (which is why he had a tantrum over vegetables being put on his pasta before), but some cookies were enough to calm his panic attack? Wow.     Later after school, I asked that other teacher what she did to calm Joe down. She explained to me that at first, Joe just kept crying. She said, "Crying isn't helpful. You have to communicate calmly with me what you need." But he just kept crying and even hitting things.   She then asked him, "Joe, are you having a panic attack?"   Joe said, "Maybe?"   She decided to try to distract him. She said, "How about we go for a walk? There's a secret exit that I bet you've never taken before. You wanna check it out?"   He nodded.   She then took him through the back door that students normally aren't allowed to use. Outside, she tried to get his mind off whatever it was that made him so upset. She would say, "Look at the leaves on that tree! And that bird!" Joe then started to calm down and feel better.   After a short walk, they came back to school. As soon as they entered the back door, Joe started to cry again.   The teacher said, "Joe. Crying is not helpful. You have to tell me what's wrong or else I cannot help you."   Joe said, "I DON'T KNOW EITHER. I'M TIRED AND HUNGRY."   She said, "Great! That's very helpful! You're hungry right? We can fix that. Would you be interested in some cookies?"   Joe nodded.   She then got some oreos from the office. She said, "Did you know that if you break apart two oreo cookies, one side has cream while the other side doesn't? And then if you take two of the sides with cream and put them together, you get an extra thick cream oreo sandwich that's even more delicious than a regular oreo? Try it!"   Joe tried it and was really happy.   She then said, "OK, so that solves the hunger problem. You said you're tired. We have 5 more minutes until school ends. Do you want to just wait by the entrance for your dad to come pick you up?"   He said, "Well, I guess I should go back to class and say sorry."   She said, "Wow! OK, great!"     After hearing how this other teacher handled the situation, I reflected on myself and my problems. One of my weaknesses is that I overly focus on logic. I am training myself to become more emotionally intelligent and more empathetic, but clearly, I still have a long way to go.   If I had to summarize a key lesson from this incident, it would be this: "Sometimes, being right isn't helpful. Instead of focusing on what should  be, focus on what's helpful."   Image Source: ChatGPT So at the sports park, yes it's true that he is very loud and disturbing others. Yes it's true that his loud crying might result in complaints. Yes it's true that the school might get banned as a result of Joe's loud crying. But saying this to threaten him when he's already out of emotional control is not helpful. On the contrary, it's pouring oil on the fire. It just makes him feel even worse, causing him to cry even louder. Why didn't I realize this before I said those words?   The root of the problem is my attitude of opposition towards Joe, which created negative emotions like impatience, which then clouded my wisdom. I lacked the cultivation to remain calm and kind in the face of his negative emotions, and my negative emotions amplified his.   On the other hand, the other teacher was considerate towards Joe. When she saw him cry, she didn't think, "Come on! Again? You shouldn't be such a cry baby!" She told me that what she thought was, "What a poor kid. Crying like that is very harmful to his body. How can I help him feel better?"   If I could re-do that incident at the sports park, maybe I would say, "Weird that the chessboard is gone. Why don't we search around the entire park and see if they moved it somewhere else? I'll go with you." And then during the search, I might distract him with other things like "Hey that mini golf looks really fun! Do you want to take a break from the search and play a round first?"   To be able to do that, I need to re-wire my thoughts. I would remind myself that he doesn't like bawling either. It's not that he wants to annoy other people, he just can't control his overly strong emotions sometimes. In that moment, I should either try to make him feel safe and comforted, or get his attention off. Blaming or threatening isn't helpful.   This isn't to say that I don't let him know the seriousness of his loud crying on others. It's just that I need to wait for a suitable time to do it in the future, and at that time, we can also discuss how he could do better next time.   Conclusion Just because it's true doesn't mean we should say it. When people are emotional, focus on being helpful.   Or as Dr. Wayne Dyer said, "When given the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind." Weekly Wisdom #365

In his best-selling book Principles , multibillionaire Ray Dalio talks about the importance of knowing the objective strengths and weaknesses of yourself and others. To quote his words, “Just as people have different physical traits, people also have different psychological traits. Since our brains are biologically different, we all experience reality in different ways, and any one way is actually distorted. By getting multiple perspectives, we get closer to the truth. The better we know ourselves, the better we can recognize our blind spots and what we can or cannot change about ourselves. The better we know other people, the better we can predict their behavior and performance on certain tasks.” —Ray Dalio Ray Dalio uses psychometric assessments, and 16 Personalities is a great one because it is free and offers highly detailed insights. You can learn all about the 16 Personalities framework on their website , but my goal with this article is to summarize the key details, as well as real life examples to add color to the theory. Image Source This post will talk about Why personality profiles so useful Personality Traits in 1 6 Personalities The Four Roles The Four Strategies How I’ve used 16 Personalities in my life Frequently Asked Questions (You can click on a title to jump to that section) Part 1: Why Personality Profiles are so Useful Knowing your personality profile is extremely useful for three reasons: Self-Understanding : You can learn your objective strengths and weaknesses and those of others. Convenient : It’s a fast way to get a deep understanding of someone. Harmony : You can more easily embrace people’s differences rather than complain about them. First, you learn about your objective strengths and weaknesses. Successful and happy people invest most of their time and energy into their strengths. As for weaknesses, they just have to patch them up to the point where it’s not hindering their ability to pursue their strengths. All of this requires you to actually KNOW your strengths and weaknesses! As Dr. Alan Zimmerman said, "The more you know yourself, the more you can grow yourself." Most people only have a rough idea of a couple of strengths and weaknesses. But your personality profile gives you a detailed list with multiple strengths and weaknesses. When you read your strengths and weaknesses you probably think, “ Oh yeah that’s true. ” You might even think you don’t need a personality test to tell you. But if you didn’t read it, you wouldn’t have thought of all those strengths and weaknesses yourself. THAT’s why reading your personality profile is extremely valuable. With that knowledge, you can take steps towards optimizing your life for the better. Second, it’s a fast way to get a deep understanding of someone. Have you ever wished you could understand someone quickly? For example, maybe you have a new colleague or a new boss. It only takes 10-15 minutes for someone to do the personality survey and tell you their results. When you know their personality profile, you can predict their thinking and behavior. That means you can stop viewing people as “ super-hard-to-understand creatures ” and start seeing them as “ just another one of those. ” Third, when you understand yourself and others, it’s much easier to accept and embrace other people’s differences rather than fight over them. If you’re like me, you’ve wondered, “ Why are people so strange? Why aren’t people more like me? ” After learning about 16 Personalities, you realize people aren’t strange; they are predictable. And people aren’t more similar to you because their personality is different from yours. You understand their values (what’s important to them in life), and you learn to predict their behavior. This one is huge! Before learning about 16 Personalities, I would always think, “ Why can’t that person be as reliable/trustworthy/logical/whatever like me? ” After learning about 16 Personalities, I now think, “ That’s just her personality. You can’t change that about her. Plus, that personality trait has these strengths which are my weaknesses. ” I can also predict people’s thinking and behavior, so I don’t get annoyed or shocked when they do something that I previously would have thought, “ Why would anyone do that? ” Ultimately, understanding others allows us to stop always thinking about their weaknesses and why they annoy us, and instead focus on their strengths and how we can bring out more of their strengths in our relationship. When we focus on their strengths, we naturally will have a better, happier, and more productive relationship with them. Now that we’ve looked at why 16 Personalities is so useful, let’s get into the details of the test. Part 2: Personality Traits in 16 Personalities The 16 Personality test is a comprehensive personality test that measures five personality traits: Introverted versus Extraverted Observant versus Intuitive (or in simple words, Practical versus Imaginative) Thinking versus Feeling (or in simple words, Logical versus Emotional) Judging versus Prospecting (or in simple words, Planning versus Spontaneous) Assertive versus Turbulent (or in simple words, Self-assured versus Self-conscious) To find out your personality type, take the test here: English: https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test Chinese: https://www.16personalities.com/ch/ Given these 5 traits, there are a total of 32 possible combinations. The way 16 Personalities organizes these possible combinations is into 16 personality profiles. Each profile uses the first 4 traits, and then the 5th trait is added on at the end. So you can get a result like INTJ-T, which means Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, Judging, and Turbulent. INTJ is the personality profile. The “-T” is the additional add-on to the profile. Here is an overview of the 16 personality profiles: Image Source For the sake of time, I’m not going to go into the details for each of the 16 profiles (and certainly not the 32 possible combinations). I think it’s plenty enough to cover the 4 roles and the 4 strategies. Then you can read the profiles that interest you (probably your profile and those of a few close family members and friends). Alright, let’s get into the 5 traits. Trait 1: Introverted versus Extraverted This trait determines how we interact with our environment. Specifically, it determines what kind of environment energizes us and what kind of environment drains us. A lot of people misunderstand introversion and extraversion. They think that someone who likes to talk a lot is extraverted, and someone who is quiet is introverted. That’s not necessarily true. Introverted people lose energy from being with a group of people that they are not familiar with . In order to replenish their energy, they have to have alone time. Introverted people can be very talkative and energetic when they are just with a few close friends. Extraverted people gain energy from being with a group of people that they are not familiar with. They enjoy that social interaction. Being alone makes them lose energy and get restless. It’s very useful to know if someone is introverted or extraverted because the workplace and society is always full of social activities. Extraverts love them and will go to as many as they can. Introverts literally lose energy going to them, so they have to be selective. Introverts are great at sitting down alone and working or studying. Extraverts literally lose energy if they try to do that. That’s why they need to get up and go somewhere with people and talk to people to recover their energy. Once people understand this, they stop judging each other on their differences. Trait 2: Observant versus Intuitive This trait determines how we process information. Out of the five traits, this trait is probably the most difficult to understand. Observant people are highly practical and concrete, whereas Intuitive people are very imaginative and curious . Observant people like to focus on what is, while Intuitive people like to think about what could be. Intuitive people enjoy talking about what-if scenarios, while observant people see that as a waste of time. Observant people prefer to have habits, while Intuitive people prefer novelty . If you ask an Observant person, “ What do you want to do this weekend? ”, she might say, “ The usual. I need to clean the house and go to the park. ” Her answer is very practical and reflects her habits. If you ask an Intuitive person, “ What do you want to do this weekend? ”, he might say, “ Hmmm, I’d love to go watch a movie. There are so many good movie choices right now ." His answer is very open-minded and focuses on novelty. Observant people might get annoyed at Intuitive people for being so impractical and having weak habits, while Intuitive people get annoyed at Observant people for being so boring and too routine-focused. Observant people might also get frustrated at Intuitive types for implicating hidden meanings all the time, while Intuitive types might get frustrated at Observant types for being so numb to hidden or deeper meanings. Making good decisions requires creativity first to think of many options and possibilities. Then picking the best option requires practicality. If these two types can work together, they can make better decisions. Trait 3: Thinking versus Feeling This trait determines how we make decisions and handle emotions. Thinking-types are focused on logic . When making decisions, they prioritize logic over emotions. They tend to hide their feelings, and they view efficiency as more important than harmony with others. Feeling-types are focused on emotions and feelings . They are emotionally sensitive and expressive. They view harmony as more important than competition. Thinking-types might get annoyed at feeling types for being so illogical, while Feeling-types might get annoyed at Thinking-types for being cold and emotionally insensitive. For example, let’s say John is a Thinking-type and Mary is a Feeling-Type. Mary asks John, “ How does this dress look on me? ” John says, “ Don’t buy it. It makes you look fat. ” Mary gets upset and complains that John is so emotionally stupid. John gets upset and complains that Mary is too illogical. To make good decisions, often both logic and emotions are needed. If these two types could get along better, they would make better decisions together. Trait 4: Judging versus Prospecting This trait determines how we like to work. Judging-types like to make plans . They are very organized, and they want predictability and stability. They hate it when unexpected things come up and break their plans. Prospecting-types like to be spontaneous . They go with the flow. They’ll deal with whatever comes up when it comes up. They like to keep their options open and improvise on-the-spot. Judging-types might get annoyed at Prospecting-types for being irresponsible and never planning things out. Prospecting-types might get annoyed at Judging-types for being so rigid and closed to the full experience of life. If these two types could collaborate, then the Judging-type can make the plan, and then the Prospecting-type can improvise on-the-spot when unexpected changes happen. Trait 5: Assertive versus Turbulent This trait shows how confident we are in our abilities and decisions. It is highly related to self-esteem (how we feel about ourselves). Assertive people are self-assured and resistant to stress . They don’t worry too much, and they don’t push themselves too hard to achieve things. Turbulent people are very self-conscious and sensitive to stress. They are very perfectionistic and eager to improve. They are likely to experience emotional roller-coasters (high ups and low downs). Assertive people might think that Turbulent people worry too much and are too critical of themselves and others. Turbulent people might think Assertive people are too self-confident and too laid back. Ultimately, we need a balance between self-confidence and self-cautiousness. Now that you know about the 5 personality traits in the 16 Personalities test, you can already see how useful it is to know your individual traits for each of the five. But we can get even more useful information when we combine the traits together. Part 3: The Four Roles Your 16 Personalities Role tells you about your goals, interests, values, and preferred activities. There are four roles (personality groups): Analysts [_ N T _ -_] ————— logical and enterprising Diplomats [_ N F _ -_] ———— compassionate and caring Sentinels [_ S _ J -_] ————— hardworking and dutiful Explorers [_ S _ P -_] ————— curious and fun-seeking Here is an overview of the four roles: Analysts The four Analyst profiles: Analysts all have the intuitive and thinking traits . They value logic, curiosity, independence, and problem-solving. They focus on logic when making decisions. They have a strong drive to learn and improve on their flaws. They are very selective about their friends and would rather spend time alone than with someone who isn’t compatible with them. They like to solve problems and are very confident in their problem-solving abilities. Analysts are strong at logical problem-solving, taking initiative, and finding creative solutions. The main challenge for Analysts is social relationships and maintaining harmony. Diplomats The four Diplomat profiles: Diplomats all have the intuitive and feeling traits . They value social connection, harmony, belonging, altruism (taking care of others and the world), justice, and purpose. They would rather cooperate than compete with others. They seek to make the world a better place. They can see beauty in life, and they get inspired by art, music, and theater. Diplomats need feelings of belonging and worry about being alone. They want to have a partner and a few good friends. Diplomats are strong at empathy and counseling. They bring warmth and harmony to people. A big challenge for Diplomats is to balance being real and authentic with their desire to belong. They are also very idealistic, and their high expectations for themselves and others can set themselves up for disappointment. They also struggle to just take action because they spend so much time in their imagination. Sentinels The four Sentinel profiles: Sentinels all have the observant and judging (planning) traits . They value cooperation, practicality, stability, wisdom, kindness, carefulness, and planning ahead. Sentinels work hard and get things done on time. They strive to never let others down, and they take pride in their character and competence. They are self-motivated and they hope to offer stability and wisdom to others. Sentinels are great at being reliable, caring, and conscientious. They are also great at planning. Sentinels are weak in situations without clear rules or in fast-changing situations. They also tend to be stubborn and don’t like drama in relationships. Sentinels often expect others to be just as conscientious and reliable as them, and this unrealistic expectation can set themselves up for disappointment. Explorers The four Explorer profiles: Explorers all have the observant and prospecting (spontaneous) traits . They value self-reliance, adaptability, quick-thinking, novelty, and fun. Unlike the other types, Explorers love handling uncertain situations. They usually just want something to work rather than making it perfect, but if they get really interested in something, they can get extremely focused on the details. They enjoy learning about different tools and techniques, from instruments to emergency response techniques. They look for balance between work and leisure. Explorers are strong at quick-thinking and bringing fun and excitement to relationships. When they are very passionate about something, they will devote 100% effort to it. Explorers are weak at planning for the future. They often like to take risks just for the fun of it. They are also weaker in rigid environments such as school because they find these environments too boring and restrictive. Part 4: The Four Strategies Your 16 Personalities Strategy tells you how you prefer to do things and achieve goals. There are four strategies: Confident Individualism [I _ _ _ -A] ———— private and self-assured People Mastery [E _ _ _-A] ———————— outgoing and confident Constant Improvement [I _ _ _-T] ————— introspective and sensitive Social Engagement [E _ _ _-T] —————— friendly and driven Here is an overview of the four strategies: Confident Individualism Confident Individualists have the introverted and assertive traits. They have trust in themselves and their abilities, and they don’t feel the need to show-off or prove themselves to other people. They value independence and prefer working alone rather than working in groups. Confident Individualists are strong at independence and self-confidence. On the flip side, their self-assuredness can lead to complacency. Since they don’t push others to change, they also don’t want others to push them to change. People Mastery People Mastery types have the extraverted and assertive traits. They are energized by social interactions and challenging experiences. They enjoy traveling to see new things, people, and places. They see problems and opportunities and they like to team up with others to chase those opportunities. These people need to find a healthy balance between their ambition and seeking social connection. Although they don’t need people’s approval, they still do want it from close family and friends. People Mastery types are great at handling stress and having courage to face challenges and criticisms. They are also great at collaborating with people and helping them bring out their strengths. A weakness for them is that they can get overconfident in themselves and push themselves past their limits. People Mastery types say what they think and mean what they say. They are very real and honest, which can be both good and bad. It’s important for them to learn to speak honestly without being rude. Constant Improvement Constant Improvers have the introverted and turbulent traits. They are sensitive people who enjoy having their own space and freedom. They get stressed out when dealing with tense environments or new situations. They might feel that something is missing from their lives, even if their lives are fine in reality. Constant Improvers have a strong drive to do well (a strength), but that comes with a strong fear of failure (a weakness). They view success and perfection as a big part of their identity, so even small mistakes can be emotionally crushing for them, and they tend to dwell on past mistakes for a long time. Constant Improvers are also very sensitive, which again can be a strength and a weakness. As a strength, they are great listeners and friends. As a weakness, they get insecure over other people’s opinions; 96% of Constant Improvers say that they feel misunderstood. To excel, Constant Improvers need to learn to trust themselves as much as they trust other people’s opinions. They hope to get rewards, awards, recognition, and positive feedback for their good work. Social Engagement Social Engagers have the extraverted and turbulent traits. They tend to act fast with their gut feeling and then think about it later. They enjoy social status and being the center of attention. They are energized by interacting with others and they love it when they help make other people’s day better. Social Engagers are strong at helping others and being bold. One weakness is that Social Engagers might hide their true selves and pretend to be someone else to impress others. The interesting thing about Social Engagers is that their extraversion and turbulent traits kind of go against each other. Extraversion brings confidence and boldness, whereas Turbulence brings self-doubt and caution. When Social Engagers get better at managing themselves, they can use their extraversion to get over self-doubt, and they can use their turbulence to be more careful. Part 5: How I’ve Used 16 Personalities in My Own Life I’ve used 16 Personalities to Better understand myself Improve harmony with others Quickly learn about new people I meet Better Understand Myself Before I took personality tests seriously, I wasn’t crystal clear on my strengths and weaknesses. I remember preparing for interviews, and one of the questions that I had to prepare an answer for was “ Tell me about your strengths and weaknesses. ” I knew I’m very hardworking, but I also felt like everyone is hardworking. I also knew I’m logical. That’s about it. As for weaknesses, it was very hard to think of any. I was like most people, unaware of my weaknesses. After I learned that I’m ISTJ-T, I learned that my strengths are honest and direct, strong-willed and dutiful, very responsible, calm and practical, orderly, jack-of-all-trades. When I read the list, I thought, “ Oh yeah that’s really true! ” Then I read my weaknesses: stubborn, insensitive, always by the book, judgmental, often unreasonably blame themselves. When I read the list, I thought, “ Oh actually a lot of people have told me I’m stubborn. I used to think others are illogical so I kept trying to rationalize with them. I guess that’s why they see me as stubborn and insensitive. I am quite by-the-book. I do get annoyed by people a lot and can’t understand them. I do blame myself a lot. ” Now that I know my strengths, I focus on them. I tell my manager and colleagues that I’m very dependable and hardworking. Before, I felt like it was pointless and empty to say such a thing because I thought everyone tries to be dependable and hardworking. But now I realize that my personality type is especially dependable and hardworking, much more so than the other personality types. So I feel very comfortable and even obliged to make my strengths known so that I can contribute my best to the team. Now that I know my weaknesses, I try to catch myself falling prey to them. For example, if someone starts disagreeing with me, before I would have instinctively started to debate logic with them. But I’ve now practiced focusing on harmony over being right. In fact, I adopted the motto that harmony is always right. That comes naturally to a Feeling-type. I’m a Thinking-type, so I had to practice it to be able to do it consistently. I’m also a turbulent type so I’ve had to learn and practice creating a stable self-esteem. For example, I’ve had to learn and practice to focus on effort and growth instead of results. I’ve had to learn and practice getting clear on my values and judging myself on my values instead of by what others think of me. Whereas an assertive type naturally doesn’t worry too much about what others think. That brings me to another point. When reading my personality profile, I got clear on some of my natural values. Before doing this personality test, I set some values for myself like respect, excellence, growth, responsibility and service. Then I read that Sentinels value cooperation, practicality, stability, wisdom, kindness, carefulness, and planning ahead. I thought, “ Oh wow. True. I didn’t think of those when making my list, but I do indeed care about those a lot. ” The values that I set actually match the values of Sentinels really well, and that’s not a lucky coincidence. I think many people are not clear on their values, so knowing which role and profile you are is a great tool to help you get clear on them. Increase Harmony with Others It’s not easy to guess someone’s personality profile, so you’re better off just asking them to do the survey, which only takes 10–15 minutes anyway. A lot of conflict happens in relationships because of unrealistic or ungrounded expectations for each other. For example, a Sentinel type might get unhappy at an Explorer type for not being reliable and not staying true to their word. An Explorer type might get unhappy at a Sentinel type for being too rigid and by-the-book. Once we understand that our brains are wired differently, resulting in different personalities, with different strengths and weaknesses, we stop expecting others to be someone they are not. Below are some examples of people who I’ve analyzed and had a better relationship with as a result. I could list many examples, but I think three should be enough. Example 1: Turbulent Advocate (INFJ-T) Family Member A family member often clings to past disappointments and exaggerates the emotional impact of those events. I got annoyed that this person kept doing it. Then I read the person’s profile: INFJ-T. The profile literally says: “Turbulent Advocates are more willing to exaggerate the impact of something that bothers them or hurts the people they care about. People with this personality type often interpret things as being far worse than they are. But such exaggeration is rarely on purpose or about dishonesty. It’s more a reflection of their tendency to hold more negative views of things.” Wow. Before, I thought, “ Why is this person always bringing up the past and making it seem like such a big deal? ” Now, I think, “ Oh look, it’s that weakness of the Turbulent Advocate personality. It’s not right or wrong. That person has strengths that go along with that weakness. That person is altruistic and creative and passionate. ” Example 2: Turbulent Debater (ENTP-T) Friend This friend often seeks social activities, which I never understood until I learned about introversion versus extraversion. As an introvert, I can stay at home alone for a week with no problems. But now I know that extraverts would find that extremely stressful. They seek social contact and external stimulation to keep their batteries charged. This friend also always has many ideas, and he loved debating the pros and cons of different ideas. But he’s very slow to act on his ideas. He also gets bored easily. Later, when I read his profile, it literally says “Very Argumentative — If there’s anything Debaters enjoy, it’s the mental exercise of debating an idea.” “Can Find It Difficult to Focus — The same flexibility that allows Debaters to come up with such original plans and ideas makes them readapt perfectly good ones far too often, or to even drop them entirely as the initial excitement wanes and newer thoughts come along. Boredom comes too easily for Debaters, and fresh thoughts are the solution, though not always a helpful one.” Funnily enough, when I told him about his personality characteristics, he literally started debating about whether those are true or not. From reading his profile, I also became more aware of his strengths. He’s a very fast thinker, energetic, and charismatic. These are all traits I don’t have, so when we work together, we can complement each other, especially now that I’m aware of our different strengths and appreciate them. Example 3: Turbulent Adventurer (ISFP-T) Colleague This colleague often attended informal workplace social events even when he didn’t want to. I couldn’t understand. He also often cancelled plans last minute or invited me to last minute plans. When I found out about his personality profile, I understood: The Turbulent aspect makes him care a lot about what other people think The Explorer aspect makes him seek fun and novelty The Prospecting aspect makes him very spontaneous and unpredictable By reading his profile, I also became more aware of his strengths: artistic (he sings and writes songs), charming, and imaginative. These are all weaknesses for me, so we complement each other well. He also often talks about doing things like opening a hammock café or making a career out of voice acting, which is his hobby. As a Judging type, I keep trying to get him to make a plan or schedule for when he will get into voice acting. But he’s a Prospecting type, so it’s not very useful for me to keep pushing him to plan. Now that I understand these differences between our personalities, I don’t have any ungrounded expectations for him. Part 6: Frequently Asked Questions Question 1: When I do the 16 Personalities test multiple times, I get different results. Can I fall into multiple profiles? The short answer is no. The longer answer is, most people fit firmly into one profile, while some people might have some characteristics of a second profile. Firstly, it’s very important that you answer the questions honestly and not answer what you think you should say or what you ideally want to be. Just be completely honest. I actually suggest doing the test multiple times and see how consistent your results are. Secondly, people exhibit characteristics of their profile to different degrees. For example, let’s say Person A is 51% Introverted, 51% Observant, 51% Thinking, and 51% Judging, and Person B is 88% Introverted, 88% Observant, 88% Thinking, and 88% Judging. Both of them are ISTJ, so both of them are Logisticians. But Person B exhibits the characteristics of Logistician much more. Now, most people will probably be obviously more dominant in most of the 5 traits, but perhaps in 1 or maybe 2 of the traits, they’ll fall closer to the 50/50 split. Question 2: The personality profile result I get doesn’t seem to accurately describe me. Is the test wrong? It’s probably not the test that is inaccurate but more likely your answers were inaccurate. People might get inaccurate results because they misunderstood questions in the test, which then resulted in them picking answers that don’t truly reflect themselves. If your results don’t seem accurate, try to do the test again and go slower, making sure you understand each question. Other times, people might choose an answer that they think should be the answer rather than just being completely honest. In that case, re-do the test and just be completely honest with your answers. Also, if any of your 5 traits fall close to the 50/50 mark, try looking at the other profile. For example, if you are INFJ, but you are 55% I and 45%E, and you feel like the INFJ profile doesn’t fit you, try looking at the ENFJ profile. That one might fit you much better. Question 3: Can people’s personality change over time? Most likely not. People can compensate for their traits, but they can’t change their inherent nature. For example, someone who is a Thinking type can learn emotional intelligence, but they are still naturally a Thinking type; their first instinct is to use logic. Another example: someone who is an introvert can learn social skills and appear to be an extrovert, but at the end of the day, they will get drained by all those social interactions and need alone time to recharge. Question 4: So, if I know someone’s 16 Personalities profile, does that mean I know pretty much everything about their personality? No. While 16 Personalities is comprehensive, it doesn’t tell you everything about them. To get an even better understanding of people, you should learn about their values. For example, a Debater who values being of service to others will behave differently from a Debater who values looking smart. Another useful personality framework I use in conjunction with 16 Personalities is the Four Tendencies. That framework looks specifically at how people respond to expectations.

Previously, we looked at the DISC personality framework, which tells us how to communicate with others and how people prefer to do work. This article will talk about another personality framework: The Four Tendencies. This framework was developed by Gretchen Rubin, an American writer who studies happiness. She wrote a whole book on it. This personality test is useful because it answers the question, “ How do I get people—including myself—to do what I want them to do? ” The Four Tendencies test is a narrow personality test that measures two things: How readily you meet inner expectations How readily you meet outer expectations Inner expectations are things you expect of yourself. A common example is a New Year’s resolution. If you can easily meet goals that you set for yourself, then you readily meet inner expectations. Outer expectations are things that other people expect from you. A common example is a friend asking you to go to the gym with him/her to exercise together. If you tend to do things because other people asked you to (especially when you don’t really want to), then you readily meet outer expectations. There are four possible personality types in the Four Tendencies: Upholder: readily meets inner and outer expectations Questioner: readily meets inner expectations only Obliger: readily meets outer expectations only Rebel: resists both inner and outer expectations You can take a formal quiz here: https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com/ Or you can pick a statement that matches you: Upholder : I love routines, and people think I’m extremely disciplined. Questioner : I love researching, and people sometimes say that I ask “Why?” too much. Obliger : I put others ahead of me, and I value harmony in relationships. Rebel : I value freedom and choice; I do what I want to do, when I want to do it. Mottos for each Tendency According to a representative sample, the distribution of the tendencies is 41% Obligers, 24% Questioners, 19% Upholders, and 17% Rebels. This article will explain each tendency in detail, then look at examples of applying the Four Tendencies in real life, and then answer some FAQs. If you are a Rebel or Obliger, I strongly encourage you to learn about your Tendency because traditional advice often does not work for these two Tendencies. Here's a click-able table of contents to help you navigate the article: 1: Upholder Strengths and Weaknesses Working with Yourself as an Upholder Working with an Upholder 2: Questioner Strengths and Weaknesses Working with Yourself as a Questioner Working with a Questioner 3: Obliger Strengths and Weaknesses Working with Yourself as an Obliger Working with an Obliger 4: Rebel Strengths and Weaknesses Working with Yourself as a Rebel Working with a Rebel 5: How I've Applied the Four Tendencies in My Life 6: Frequently Asked Questions 1. Upholder: Discipline is My Freedom. Upholders readily meet inner and outer expectations. They are highly disciplined and love schedules, rules, and routines. Strengths and Weaknesses of Upholders For strengths, Upholders are highly productive and can easily form habits. They rarely have trouble getting themselves to do things. For weaknesses, they might seem rigid and cold because they don't like changing plans, and they usually prioritize meeting their needs over other people's needs. They might also experience upholder-tightening, which is when they start a new habit and can't relax. For example, they start a habit of walking 10,000 steps, and even when they have a really busy day, they'll stay up late at night to finish that goal. Working with Yourself as an Upholder Upholders might find themselves with too many things to do, and feel like they're not getting the important things done. To overcome this problem, clearly articulate your priorities, and perhaps have different to-do lists rather than one big one. Working with Upholders When working with Upholders, it's important to give them prior notice. As long as they have enough time to help you, they usually will. 2. Questioners: I'll comply...If you convince me why. Questioners turn all outer expectations into inner expectations if they believe its reasonable and efficient. Thus, Questioners only meet inner expectations. Some random characteristics of Questioners: They hate waiting in line, they love spreadsheets, and they love sharing articles. “Questioners have the self-direction of Upholders, the reliability of Obligers, and the authenticity of Rebels.” — Gretchen Rubin Strengths and Weaknesses of Questioners Questioners excel at being logical and efficient in everything they do. But they can also be viewed as annoying for their constant questioning unless they are very socially adept when asking those questions. They also need to be wary of analysis-paralysis , which is when they spend too long researching that they take action too late. Working with Yourself as a Questioner Questioners are generally pretty happy with themselves, but they can get frustrated at others for doing things that seem illogical or inefficient. To overcome this frustration, just remind yourself that you are only 24% of the population. If you need to do something that you think is illogical or inefficient, you can always tell yourself, " Maybe this task is illogical/inefficient, but it's important to someone I care about or respect. So I will do it for them. " If you find yourself getting into analysis-paralysis, simply give yourself a deadline. Working with a Questioner Questioners can add value to relationships and organizations by ensuring people don’t unthinkingly accept expectations that aren’t justified or efficient. The key with Questioners is justification. Once they accept an expectation, you can count on them to deliver (and maybe even improve upon a process for you.) Ironically, many Questioners resist being questioned because they think, “ If I made this decision, I obviously researched it thoroughly. It’s not my fault if you didn’t do your research on the topic. ” Questioners also hate questions that are a waste of time. Their first thought is always, “ Why should I bother answering this question? ” If, upon reflection, you realize your question doesn’t really need to be answered, then let it go. If the question is important, then ask the Questioner to share their thought process and logic. They enjoy that. 3. Obligers: You can count on me...and I'm counting on you to count on me! Obligers NEED outer accountability to meet any inner expectation. For this reason, they gain the most from learning about their tendency. “ When what others expect from Obligers is what they expect from themselves, they have the life they want. ” – Gretchen Rubin Strengths and Weaknesses of Obligers Obligers are the easiest tendency to get along with because they are naturally harmonious. But they often get frustrated at themselves for being unable to meet internal goals and may struggle with self-care. Working with Yourself as an Obliger It’s worth mentioning again that Obligers NEED outer accountability to meet an inner goal. It’s not a sign of weakness; it’s just different wiring in the brain. Fortunately, there’s always ways to create accountability. Obligers also vary dramatically in what makes them feel accountable. For some Obligers, a simple phone reminder may be enough. For others, they may need supervision or monitoring from others. Here are some ideas for creating accountability: Deadlines to someone else whose opinion you care about Monitoring via an app or a person (like a paid coach) Thinking of yourself as a role model to those around you Thinking of what your “future self” would expect of your “current self” Spending someone else’s money for a class/course (rather than your own money) Getting an accountability partner (like a gym buddy or a reading buddy) Unfortunately, Obligers are often taken advantage of, which leads to resentment. If an Obliger is faced with prolonged expectations that are unfair, unrealistic, nagging, or makes them feel taken for granted , an Obliger can fall into Obliger-Rebellion . When this happens, they will stop meeting all expectations and often do sudden and dramatic things like ending a marriage with an ungrateful spouse or quitting a job due to unfair treatment. After a period of time, even if nothing changes, the Obliger-Rebellion will end and the Obliger will go back to normal, but those burnt bridges will be forever burnt. To prevent Obliger-Rebellion, Obligers must stand up for themselves. This can be very hard as its against their nature. Unfortunately, Obligers can't count on other tendencies to stand up for them because they are all used to standing up for themselves (so they expect you to do the same). If you want to be free of these unfair expectations, the simple act of bringing it up in a conversation can often be enough. If you are struggling to say no to other people despite feeling overwhelmed, you can remind yourself that saying no to someone is actually saying yes to someone else or something else that's more important. Working with an Obliger Obligers are like the adhesive in a relationship or a team. They bring people together and focus on maintaining good relationships. Just be careful to not take advantage of them. As mentioned earlier, Obligers are often taken advantage of, so we need to do our part in making sure they are treated fairly. If you are unsure if you are taking advantage of someone, simply ask yourself, " If I was in their shoes, would I feel like I'm being treated unfairly or taken advantage of? " If the answer is yes, the Obliger probably feels that way too but just isn't speaking up. Help fix the unfairness to mitigate the risk of Obliger-Rebellion. When you ask an Obliger to do something, remember to give them a deadline. Even if you don't think it's necessary, Obligers need it to feel motivated to start. One special situation with Obligers is that they might not meet the expectations of their spouse or close partner. That's because they see their spouse as so close to them that they ignore their expectations just like how they ignore their own expectations! The solution is to talk about it and become aware of it. That might fix it. If not, then look for other sources of accountability. 4. Rebels: You can't make me...and neither can I. Rebels do what they want to do, in their own way, and on their own time. If someone else tells them to do the exact same thing, they will resist. They don’t even want to tell themselves to do something. They prefer to act from freedom , choice , and self-expression . Strengths and Weaknesses of Rebels Rebels are naturally authentic and enjoy overcoming challenges. Since Rebels resist all expectations, they may be viewed as inconsiderate or uncooperative. Rebels also might struggle with themselves because conventional advice doesn’t work for them. They are told to set goals and to get outer accountability by all the other tendencies, but those things actually make it harder for Rebels to do things. Working with Yourself as a Rebel Rebels can do anything they want to do, so self-understanding is key for Rebels. They should get clarity on their values and use their values as decision criteria for whether or not to do things. For example, “ I am a good partner, so I will take responsibility for my fair share of chores regardless of what my partner wants me to do. ” A Rebel can sometimes feel unproductive because the thought of having to do things makes them not want to do it anymore. The solution is to re-frame the tasks as a choice , challenge , or game . For example, instead of making a to-do list, a Rebel can make a could-do list and just do the things they feel like doing at that time. Another idea is to put a bunch of tasks on small folded-pieces of paper in a bowl. Then draw randomly from the bowl and do that item. This makes it a game of chance, but you can still be very productive this way. When others ask Rebels to do something, they can feel less motivated to do it even if they originally wanted to do it. In these situations, a Rebel can remember, “ I’m free to do something even if someone else wants me to do it. ” After all, not doing something because someone else asked is just as un-free as doing it because someone asked. Working with a Rebel The other tendencies tend to lack understanding for Rebels, making everyone’s lives harder. When communicating with rebels, we should use this sequence: Information-Consequence-Choice. Here is an example of what a school counselor might say to a Rebel student who doesn’t want to do her volunteer hours: “ To graduate high school, students must complete 100 volunteer hours. Students who start earlier as a freshman of sophomore have more choices about projects and when to do it. The longer students wait, the less choices they have. I know seniors who lost their spring break because they had to spend that time doing their service hours. My door is open whenever you'd like to talk about choosing a service project .” After giving the Information-Consequence-Choice message, don't monitor or nag them. They do best without supervision. If a Rebel refuses to do something, don't save them from the consequences . They need to experience the painful consequences for them to learn the importance of something. Another way to motivate a Rebel is to challenge their identity . For example, instead of asking them to stop being late, say “ Why do you keep being late? That’s just so inconsiderate! ” If the Rebel doesn’t want to be seen as inconsiderate by you, he/she will likely be on time in the future. A third way to motivate a Rebel is to challenge their ability . For example, you can say, “ Well, it’s hard for many people to stay fit and healthy these days, so I’m not surprised you’re struggling too. ” A statement like that may light a fire within a Rebel to prove themselves capable of overcoming that challenge. How I’ve Applied the Four Tendencies to My Life I know the tendencies of everyone that’s important to me or that I have to interact with on a regular basis. This allows me to predict their behavior in terms of responding to their inner and outer expectations. Example 1: Mom, Upholder I realized my mom is an Upholder because she always preaches rules to me, she loves to-do lists and calendars, she’s very uptight about planning and wanting things to go as planned, and she gets things done fast. I also used to get frustrated when she’d preach to me what her family thinks about my non-traditional career path. As a Questioner, I got frustrated because their opinions are illogical to me. But now, I know that my mom is influenced a lot more by the opinions of others because she’s an Upholder. To increase harmony, I simply accept her for her Upholder nature, and I comply with her expectations, even if it's illogical or inefficient at times, because she's important to me. Harmony is king. I can communicate logic later when we are both in a good mood. Example 2: Obliger Friends I have a few good friends who are Obligers. They are very easy to get along with, as expected. When my Obliger friends tell me about a goal they have, I try to hold them accountable for it and tell them I’ll follow up with them because I know they need outer accountability. I don’t get frustrated at them anymore if they talk about something they’ve wanted to do for a while but just haven’t started. I know it’s because they lacked outer accountability and not because they’re lazy. Example 3: Questioner Colleagues I have a few colleagues that I have to work with regularly who are Questioners. It’s so easy for me because I’m a Questioner too. I know they don’t mind my thorough justifications and focus on efficiency. One time, a Questioner was trying to fix the print view of a document. She wanted it to fit the full page, but she couldn’t figure out how. She bothered other colleagues (mostly Obligers), and they couldn’t figure it out either. She was stuck and bothering people for at least 30 minutes. They tried to tell her to just move on, but she wouldn’t listen. That’s because she’s a Questioner, and Questioners only respond to inner expectations. Eventually I noticed the situation and went to talk to her. I said, “ Are the margins a problem? ” She said, “ Yes. It looks bad. ” I said, “ Will the client not accept this if the print version has big margins? ” She said no. I asked, “ Will the client even care if the print version has big margins. No they won’t. So you don’t need to waste any more of your time on this unimportant issue! ” She had an “Aha” moment and stopped worrying about it. As a Questioner, she needed to understand very clearly WHY she should stop worrying about this task. Example 4: Rebel Friends My Rebel friends are probably the most fun and interesting to be with because they’re very spontaneous and like to try new things. It’s also very hard to get them to commit to a plan. If I ask them, “ Do you want to go for dinner on Saturday? ” I’m likely to get a response along the lines of, “ I’ll see how I feel Saturday night. ” To a Rebel, the question seems so restricting in terms of timing and what we’d do. I now know it’s better to be less specific and appeal to their identity. So I might ask, “ Do you wanna hang out this weekend? Maybe Saturday? We should do something fun! ” This way, they have choice in the timing and what we do. FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions) 1. Is there a best Tendency? Isn’t Upholder the best? No. Each tendency has their own strengths and weaknesses. The happiest, wealthiest, and most productive people are those who built a life that leverages their strengths and figured out how to work around their weaknesses. 2. Can I change my Tendency? No. Besides, why would you even want to? No tendency is better than another. 3. Can I be multiple Tendencies at one? No. People fit squarely into one of the four tendencies. If you want to get into more detail, then technically, people fit into one of 8 primary-secondary combinations: Upholder-Questioner Upholder-Obliger Obliger-Upholder Obliger-Rebel Questioner-Upholder Questioner-Rebel Rebel-Obliger Rebel-Questioner Basically, you can lean towards a neighboring Tendency, but you cannot lean towards an opposite Tendency. Image Source For example, a Questioner-Upholder is more likely to meet outer expectations than a Questioner-Rebel. 4. Doesn’t everyone fit into every Tendency? Everyone responds to logic (not just Questioners). Everyone meets expectations if it’s important to someone we care about (not just Obligers and Upholders). Everyone desires freedom of choice (not just Rebels). But your tendency tells you your primary response driver to the question, “How do you respond to inner and outer expectations?” 5. Are there specific career choices that fit each Tendency best? Any Tendency can do well at any career. The most productive and innovative workplaces have all four Tendencies. If you are already in a certain career, figure out how you can use your Tendency to suit that career. That being said, there are certain career fields that may suit certain Tendencies. For example, fields that reward question asking, like in the academic field, might naturally suit Questioners. Fields like entrepreneurship, where you get lots of freedom and have to carve your own path, might naturally suit Rebels.