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Image Source One time while Confucius was with his students, a student named Zi Lu asked, "Teacher, should I immediately put into practice what I have heard?" Confucius replied, "You have your father and elder brothers to consult first, why would you be so hasty to act?" Another student named Ran Qiu then asked Confucius the same question, "Teacher, should I immediately put into practice what I have heard?" Confucius replied, "Yes, immediately put into practice what you have heard." A third student, Gong Xi Hua, was perplexed after watching this exchange. He then asked Confucius, "Zi Lu asked you if he should immediately put into practice what he learned, and you told him to first consult his father and elder brothers. Ran Qiu asked you the same question and you told him yes. Why?" Confucius replied, "Ran Qiu tends to draw back, thus I urged him forward. Zi Lu tends to rush forward, hence I drew him back." Story Source: The Analects of Confucius, Xian Jin Chapter Commentary Lesson 1: Audience awareness Most of us speak because we feel like speaking, but sages like Confucius speak only what's beneficial to others. Their audience awareness score is 100%, while us normal people are far from 100%. If we could all be more considerate in our speech, imagine how much happier and harmonious we would all be! This past week, my mother was busy counting some seeds when I asked her a question, and she said "Wait, I'm busy". I didn't even observe if the listener is able to listen. Another time, my mother said her stomach isn't feeling well, and then later in the day I asked if she wanted some black peppercorns in the soup I was cooking. She said, "My stomach is not feeling well, I just want something plain." If I had paused to think before I spoke, I would've already known the answer. Lesson 2: There's no one-size-fit all solution. Solutions need to be tailored for your specific situation. Just because something worked for others doesn't mean it's suitable for you, and just because it's suitable for you doesn't mean it'll work for others. An easy-to-understand example is health: different people's body situations require different foods, exercises, and sleep amounts. There is no one-size-fits-all solution. To give another example, in my experience as a teacher, if an irresponsible student has thick skin, I can scold him and then he will do his work; nice encouragement wouldn't help. But if an irresponsible student also has low self-esteem, then I need to encourage her and build her confidence; scolding would make things worse. Summary Through his actions, Confucius taught us to be considerate in our speech and to give advice tailored to that specific person's situation. -- Weekly Wisdom #157 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

"How am I complicit in creating the conditions I say I don't want?" —Jerry Colonna Image Source: Unsplash Commentary: We can apply this idea to both matters and people. Towards matters, we should look at how we've dedicated our time and energy. For example, I fell off my usual meditation practice this past week. It's easy for me to push the blame on busy-ness, but ultimately it's my responsibility to choose how I prioritize and spend my time, which I didn't do well. Towards people, we need to realize that our actions speak louder than our words. In this short excerpt from Knowing Where to Look, author Light Watkins gives some great examples: We are always teaching others how to treat us. If we are easily reactive, we teach people to sugarcoat the truth. If we routinely gossip about our friends, we teach others to question our loyalty. If we refuse to spread rumors, we teach people to trust that we will stand up for them too... If we consistently over-give, we teach others to take us for granted. If we give thoughtfully and in accordance to need, we teach people to appreciate our efforts... Every interaction is a teachable moment. What lessons will you teach today? Action: If you're unhappy about something or someone, ask yourself, "How am I complicit in creating the conditions I say I don't want?"

When they see me trying to understand them, they will feel like I care about them, and then effective communication

How Common is Each Type? For example, the most common type in Germany is I-Type; for Brazil, it is C-Type. about DISC, I probably would’ve tried to talk about details with him because it’s natural for us to communicate We can use DISC to improve our communication with others, have more harmony in teams (by appreciating

Image Source: Unsplash Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists all agree that relationships are a key, if not the key, to happiness. Furthermore, it’s the quality, not quantity, of our relationships that count. How can we improve the quality of our relationships, whether it be with family, friends, colleagues, or a romantic partner? Here are the top three simple yet powerful ways: Use their love language Seek first to understand them deeply Focus on each other’s strengths 1: Use Their Love Language Author Gary Chapman explains that there are five love languages: Words of affirmation Physical touch Receiving gifts Quality time Acts of service Image Source People usually have 1 or 2 primary love languages. If we want to be loving and give others happiness, then we need to know their love language and give them love in their love language. Using a love language that is not their primary one is still helpful, but not as impactful. Words of affirmation are all about encouragement and appreciation. For example, we can tell them we believe in them, or that they will do great. When it comes to giving appreciation, we should be specific. For example, instead of just saying, “Thank you for all that you do,” it’s more impactful to say, “Thank you for making dinner with my favorite food in it. That was very thoughtful and kind.” Physical touch refers to things like holding hands, hugs, kisses, massages, or even just being physically near each other throughout the day. For gifts, it could be small things from a trip or from the day just to show that we were thinking about them. For example, you could bring home your partner’s favorite bread. When it comes to gifts, we need to give something thoughtful with meaning behind it. The best gifts are things people cannot buy for themselves. For quality time, it’s about giving them your full attention. Going for a walk together and talking to each other is an example of quality time. But if one or both people are distracted on their phones, then it is not quality time anymore. Acts of service refers to doing things for the other person to relieve their stress or to make their life easier. For example, maybe you help them do their chores because they are really busy right now. Or maybe you go do something that you don’t really like, but you’re willing to do it for them. To learn their love language, all you need to do is just tell them the list and ask them which one they prefer most. Usually, people can identify their love language. Another option is to take the 5 Love Languages quiz here: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/couples-quiz/ 2: Seek First to Understand Them Deeply In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey, shares an encounter he had with a father that had trouble with his son: A father once told me, “I can’t understand my kid. He just won’t listen to me at all.” “Let me restate what you just said,” I replied. “You don’t understand your son because he won’t listen to you?” “That’s right,” he replied. “Let me try again,” I said. “You don’t understand your son because HE won’t listen to YOU?” “That’s what I said,” he impatiently replied. “I thought that to understand another person, you needed to listen to him,” I suggested. “OH!” he said. There was a long pause. “Oh!” he said again, as the light began to dawn. “Oh, yeah! But I do understand him. I know what he’s going through. I went through the same thing myself. I guess what I don’t understand is why he won’t listen to me.” This man didn’t have the vaguest idea of what was really going on inside his boy’s head. He looked into his own head and thought he saw the world, including his boy. While we may chuckle at this father, the reality is, we are all guilty of committing the same offense constantly. How often do we think we understand others the moment they start talking, and then we interrupt them and start telling them what to do? This makes people feel unheard and uncared for. How can we help others feel heard? The most important thing is you have to WANT to understand them. If you truly have that intention, then you will naturally know what to do. Think about how important they are to you, and how much you love them. Think about how you want them to feel cared for and loved by you. Then you will naturally do the right things, such as making eye contact, listening more than speaking, and affirming them instead of judging them. Trying to understand the other person deeply is the key to solving relationship problems. When people feel unheard, they will just keep trying to express themselves until they feel heard, or worse, until they give up on you. Remember: conflicts are inevitable in relationships, but conflicts don’t have to be a bad thing. If we seek first to understand, conflicts become something that brings people closer and makes the relationship stronger. 3: Focus on Each Other’s Strengths Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. In fact, the same characteristic can be both a trait and a weakness. For example, being spontaneous is a good thing because it makes you fun to be around, and spontaneous people can handle change well. But it is also a weakness because spontaneous people lack the ability to plan for the future. Often times, we are attracted to someone else for their different strengths. For example, Jay Shetty mentioned how he was first attracted to his wife Radhi for her spontaneity. At the beginning, he viewed her spontaneity as a strength because she was so fun to be around. Later, he viewed it as a weakness when she struggled to make plans for the future. He went from focusing on her strength to focusing on her weakness. Fortunately, he realized his mistake, and they worked out the problem by letting them both focus on their own strengths. Jay handled all the future planning, while Radhi took care of the day-to-day fun and excitement. Many couples start out like Jay and Radhi. They like each other’s differences at first, but then they get annoyed at those traits because they start wanting the other person to be more like them. Then, they keep focusing on each other’s weaknesses instead of strengths, until eventually, they decide to part ways. That’s really unfortunate. How can we focus on each other’s strengths? The most obvious way is to just write down all their strengths and all the things you appreciate about them. But what if you have trouble identifying their strengths? This is when personality tests become really useful. The two main personality tests I use to identify people’s strengths and weaknesses are 16 Personalities and The Four Tendencies. The 16 personalities test looks at 5 personality traits: Introverted or extraverted Intuitive or observant Thinking of feeling Judging (likes to plan) or prospecting (likes to go with the flow) Assertive or turbulent Each trait has their own good and bad. For example, thinking types are very good at logic, but they are weak at emotions. Feeling types are good at emotions but weaker with logic. Another example, judging types are great at planning but struggle with change, while prospecting types are quick to adapt but struggle with planning. When we know the personality type of other people, we can appreciate their strengths and not demand them to change their weaknesses. You can take the 16 Personalities Test here: https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test You can take the Four Tendencies Test here: https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com/four-tendencies-quiz/ After you do these personality tests, you will get a result. The result tells you your objective strengths and weaknesses. Then, you should get your partner to take those personality tests and compare your different strengths and weaknesses. Then you will know how to focus on each other’s strengths and work around each other’s weaknesses instead of ignoring each other’s strengths and complaining about each other’s weaknesses. Conclusion If there’s anything worth investing in, it’s your relationships. Quality relationships make us happy and healthy, and improving relationships is not rocket science. Three simple but extremely effective ways to improve relationships are Showing love in their love language Seeking first to understand them deeply Focus on each other’s strengths These tips will surely improve any relationship, whether it be family, friends, colleagues, or romance.

Image Source: Unsplash One day, a wife found out her husband had cheated on her. She was absolutely devastated by her husband’s infidelity. She called some of her friends, and they all told her she should punish her husband or divorce from him. She felt worse and worse. Then she remembered Mr. Cai, who taught her about Di Zi Gui and virtues, so she called him hoping he might have some good advice. When Mr. Cai picked up the phone, she was already sobbing. She told Mr. Cai about what had happened and asked for his advice. Mr. Cai said, “When an outcome like this happens, there’s no way it’s 100% the other person’s fault and we are 100% innocent. So the first thought you must think is, What did I do wrong? What’s my contribution to the outcome? When we only think about the other person’s wrongs, our emotional state will get worse and worse, and we become prone to acting irrationally.” The woman calmed down a little. He then continued, saying, “Let’s say it’s 80% their fault, and 20% our fault. We need to calm down and figure out what our 20% is, and then fix it. That’s the first important attitude to have. The second thing is to not put our messy emotions onto the other person. The third thing is this: When your husband is right, view him as your husband. When your husband is wrong, view him as your own son. If your son makes a mistake, would you abandon him and say it’s all his fault? Of course not. That would be very unfair.” The woman said, “But he’s already so old, how can he not even know how to be a decent person?!” Mr. Cai replied, “He’s old how? His body. What how about his wisdom? You say he should know. He really shouldn’t know because no one taught him. Has anyone ever taught you how to nurture a good spousal relationship? You’ve gone to school for over 10 years, yet have you ever learned about how to nurture a relationship?” The woman said, “Okay, but what should I do then?” Mr. Cai then proceeded to tell her a true story that he heard from his teacher, Ms. Yang. Ms. Yang once had a student come to her sobbing, saying that her husband cheated on her. First, Ms. Yang exerted a calm presence to calm that student down. Then she asked, “Are you here to truly solve the problem? Or are you just seeking to rant?” The student said she’s serious about solving the problem. Yang said, “Then you must seriously act on what I tell you to do.” The student complied. Yang continued, “You must use tenderness to resolve this problem. Starting from today, his wrongs come second. Your wrongs come first. That means you must complete your duties fully, whether that be taking care of the kids, serving the in-laws, or anything else that’s your duty. Make sure you do your part completely. Over time, your virtue will awaken his sense of shame.” So the next day, the woman put on a light layer of make up to look pleasant and presentable. At night, she made sure the children’s bags were packed for the next day, and then she put them to sleep. Then she sat and waited for her husband to return home. She watched the clocked tick away, second by second. 10:00PM. 10:30PM. Suddenly, she understood an important concept: endure. If she were to let her anger rise now, then all of the previous effort she put in would go down the drain. So she continued to endure. After 1:00AM, she heard the door open. What now? She immediately went over to the door, gave her husband a big smile, took her husband’s brief case with both hands, and said, “You must’ve had such a long and tiring day, coming home so late. You must be hungry too. I’ll go prepare some noodles for you right away.” Then she went to make some noodles. The husband was very shocked and confused, wondering if something had happened to his wife. Starting from that day, the wife waited patiently every day for her husband to come home. Even though this husband had cheated on her, his sense of sense was awakened by his wife’s virtues. After about two months time, one day, this husband came home very early. As soon as he came in the door, he knelt down and said, “Please forgive me.” The husband continued, “These past couple of months, I received such kindness from you, it’s been tormenting me. I don’t know how much more I can take.” And so the wife was able to overcome her husband’s faults with sincerity and virtue. Commentary Being cheated on by someone you love and trust is probably one of the hardest things to face in life. Most of us would feel negative emotions such as anger, resentment, hate, doubt, or shame. This true story illustrated a productive and positive way to resolve this conflict. Lesson 1: Have a Bigger Heart When the other person cheats on us, it is easy to blame everything on them, yell at them in anger, punish them, and cut off the relationship there and then. It is much harder to remain calm, to pity the other person, and then to help them correct their mistake. But if we think about it, which is the better option? If we let our anger loose on them, we might feel good in the short run because they got the punishment that they deserved. But if we don't find a way to let go of that anger and resentment towards them, then we will continue to suffer. It's lose-lose. The Buddha gave a great analogy: "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." In this story, the wife took the higher road. She had a big heart and decided to pity her husband and to help her husband correct his mistake. She was determined to be a virtuous person, which is why she treated her husband so well for two months. She let go of her anger and resentment towards him, so her heart felt free. Even if the husband didn't apologize after 6 months, the wife wouldn't be bothered. Her happiness was no longer dependent on how the husband behaved, but only on how she behaved. Plus, if the husband really didn't wake up and see how good of a wife he had, other people around him would notice, and they would probably smack him on the head and tell him to repent. Lesson 2: Focus on What is in Your Control The other lesson from the story is that whenever an interpersonal problem occurs, it is never 100% one person's fault. We need to focus our attention on fixing our part first rather than waiting for the other person to fix their part. As Ryan Holiday said in his book, The Obstacle is the Way, “You will come across obstacles in life — fair and unfair. And you will discover, time and time again, that what matters most is not what these obstacles are but how we see them, how we react to them, and whether we keep our composure.” What other people do and think is not within our control. If we only focus our attention on their wrongs, then our heart will be very angry and bitter. Not only will we be miserable, our misery will hurt innocent bystanders like the children, grandparents, and friends. Then we are being unfair to others too, which makes us bad just like the offender. The only thing we can control is our attitude and behavior. When we instead focus on how we can do better, on how we can set a good example, then we will have a positive goal to work towards, and our emotional state will be much better. When our emotions are calm, we can make better decisions and act rationally, which will allow us to improve the situation.

When I adjusted my attitude, my communication and interactions with my students became a lot more harmonious Perhaps I would be more respectful to my teacher and communicate with my teacher more, but that's because I understand the importance of respect and communication. She does not, so of course she wouldn't communicate with me. You should communicate with her more and ask her how you can manage your homework better.

During their visit, Zi You and Zi Zhong talked a lot about common matters, but Zi Jing spoke very little

For example, Einstein is a genius and legend that revolutionized the scientific community, and he said Factor 1: Communicating Rules of Engagement Rules of engagement are rules about how you will communicate You should ask the team questions such as How will we communicate with each other? (In-person? What happens if someone doesn’t reply to group communication? (Call their phone? By communicating your goals openly with each other, you can come to an agreement together, which then

Date Published: Sunday, January 5, 2019 Hi Al! Here are this week's chosen learning points: Three Work Styles: Marathoners prefer working steadily towards project deadlines, while Sprinters prefer the pressure of impending deadlines. Marathoners get annoyed at Sprinters, but Sprinters do a good job thanks to their rush of energy and creativity. In contrast, Procrastinators struggle to work even as a deadline approaches. (Source) 3-Gulp Rule: In a heated or ineffective discussion, try Bob Parson's 3-gulp rule: First, acknowledge them with an "mhm" or a nod. Then take 3 gulps of water and use that time to think. This act makes your response seem (and rightfully so) thoughtful rather than an off-the-cuff remark. (Source) Quote I'm Pondering: "The days are long, but the years are short." -Gretchen Rubin (Source). If you think someone else would find this newsletter useful, please forward it to them. Thanks, and have a wonderful week ahead!

Therefore, the solution is clearly communicate your perspective and expectations early in a relationship If they don't value it like you do, then you need to have open communication about why that thing is We can't expect others to understand us if we don't communicate clearly. 4: Sunk Cost Bias Sunk cost If not, then I try to communicate again in a more clear way. If I did indeed communicate clearly, then I go and ask them why they behaved that way.

Her words communicated that I'm not happy, but oddly enough, before she said those words to me, I didn't