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Over the past couple of months, I've been focusing on managing my anger, frustration, annoyance, and impatience. Most people who know me would think I'm a pretty calm and nice guy, and perhaps I do get angry less often than the average Joe, but I still do get angry and annoyed! Image Source Even if I get upset once a week, I'd like to reduce that to once every two weeks, and then once every month, and then eventually, never at all! With that goal in mind, I've done a deep dive into why people get angry or upset. I spent many hours compiling all that I've learned about anger into a detailed article covering 10 reasons and solutions for why we get angry. You can read the full guide here, but in this article, I'll give a high-level overview. The main reasons we get angry or upset are Arrogance: We care more about being right than their feelings Selfishness: We care more about what we want than their feelings (greed) Greed: We are too demanding Negativity: We focus on the bad instead of the good Fragile self-esteem: We care too much about what everyone thinks Discomfort: We are feeling agitated or uncomfortable or in pain The solutions are Reciprocity: Treat others the way you want to be treated. Love: Value their feelings more than the matter at hand. Humility: Look for where you could have done better. Empathy: Understand their perspective. Gratitude: Think about all that they have given to you. Virtuous Role Models: Think about what good and wise teachers would think of your behavior. Check out the story below to see how I applied these teachings recently. The Story Recently, my dad came over (he lives in a different house) and wanted to borrow a backpack on his way out. My mother gave him my backpack without first asking me for permission. Later, I was looking for my backpack as I was about to go out because my wallet was in it. I couldn't find it, so I asked my mom if she saw it. She told me she lent it to my dad, but he forgot to bring it back. Immediately, without any conscious control over myself, I raised my voice and said, "What?! You can't just give my stuff away without first asking me! All my ID cards and bank cards are in there!" She immediately said, "Sorry, I thought he would bring it back right away. I didn't know your wallet was inside." I was tempted to complain more about how I had told her in the past to not move my stuff without asking first, but I managed to stop myself. I've been training myself to not speak when upset. I remained angry at her for about 5 more minutes. Then I started thinking about all the things I've learned related to controlling anger: Reciprocity: If I made a mistake and felt bad about it, I wouldn't want the other person to angrily scold me. Love: I should value the other person's feelings more than the matter at hand. A backpack is just a backpack, but my relationship with my mother is something I don't want to hurt! Humility: What could I have done better to prevent this problem from arising? Well, I could have communicated with my mom where my important documents and ID cards are so that she knows not to move them. Empathy: She didn't intentionally make a mistake. She didn't know my wallet was in that bag. Gratitude: Without my mom, I wouldn't even exist or have the life that I have right now, so it is quite spoiled of me to get angry at her. Virtuous Role Models: I imagined I was facing Confucius, Seneca, and the Buddha. What would they say to me? They would be very disappointed to see me be a slave to anger, and they would be proud to see me be the master of my emotions. After 5 minutes of reflection, I calmed down and let go. If this was the past, I probably would have vented my anger and stayed angry much longer. Although I still have room for improvement, I've certainly made significant progress compared to before! Conclusion "Anger is the ultimate destroyer of your own peace of mind." —The Dalai Lama When was the last time you got angry or upset? How can you use the six solutions you learned to resolve that anger and prevent it next time? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #179 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

The point is not to wish for these adversities, but for the virtue that makes adversities bearable." If at that time, she lacks the virtues to work well with a difficult person, that could cost her company If I do, that's fine too, I can use it as an opportunity to build my virtues and train myself for future To repay the gratitude of this job and Stoicism, I need to improve my virtues and abilities to help these Real Life Practice 10: I keep a daily journal where I reflect on my virtues and faults each day.

Once in ancient China, three young brothers went to visit Prime Minister Xie An (謝安). The three brothers' names were Zi You (子猷), Zi Zhong (子重), and Zi Jing (子敬). During their visit, Zi You and Zi Zhong talked a lot about common matters, but Zi Jing spoke very little. Image Source After the three brothers left, a guest who had watched the entire scene asked the Prime Minister, "Out of those three young men, who do you think will be most successful?" The Prime Minister replied, "The youngest, Wang Jing." The guest asked, "Why do you say that?" The Prime Minister explained, "Those with high prospects and bright futures all speak few words, while those who are impulsive and reckless speak many words." The Prime Minister then added, "Zi Jing is also the most polite. After he introduced himself, he stood there respectfully and listened to the adults talk about important life lessons without interrupting. The other two brothers talk too much." Later, history proved that it was indeed Zi Jing who was the most successful. Commentary The Book of Changes said, "Auspicious people speak few words. Impetuous people speak many words." (Original text: 吉人之辭寡，躁人之辭眾) There are many reasons why those who talk a lot might be unlucky, but here are six that I can think of: As Prime Minister Xie An mentioned, people who speak a lot are impetuous and rash, which leads to many mistakes and problems. People who speak a lot have an agitated and undisciplined mind, which leads to many mistakes and problems. People who speak a lot are overly self-centered and perhaps arrogant, so others won't like them. If others don't like them, they won't have good luck. People who talk too much don't listen enough, and if they don't listen to others, they don't learn and improve. People who speak a lot are more likely to say something wrong, which brings bad luck. People who like to gossip about others might make enemies, which then attracts disasters. On the other hand, someone who is very thoughtful and careful with their speech will naturally attract success and good relationships. So how can we reduce our words and increase our good luck? Firstly, we need to rid bad speech. Confucius taught people to not speak lies, foul language, gossip, or exaggerations. Secondly, we can use the triple filter test to ensure our words deserve to be said: Is it true? Is it useful to the listener? Is now the right time to say this? Thirdly, we should listen more than we speak. As the Stoic philosopher Epictetus said, "We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak." Image Source By ridding bad speech, cultivating good speech, and listening more than we speak, we will surely attract good luck! Self-Reflection When I meet others, I usually try to listen more than I speak. I know that everyone, including myself, yearns to be heard and appreciated without any judgment, so I try to give that gift to others. But I don't do this enough with the people that I see every day. As a high school teacher, I've been working on being less rambly. Having been a student before, I know how boring it is to listen to a rambling teacher, so I try to speak concisely to my students. I guess I've had some success because students often say in my course feedback surveys that I explain things quite well. I even had students say they wish I would talk more! In my daily life, I find that I speak a lot when I feel worried or confused. I'll often spill out my thoughts to whoever is available to listen, but then they just get annoyed because my speech isn't helpful to them or they want to go do something else. I shouldn't burden other people with my negative emotions, so I need to work on not speaking when I am in a bad mood and practice managing my mood myself. Conclusion Do you have any bad speaking habits to fix? How are you doing with regards to the three filters? Do you listen more or speak more? Weekly Wisdom Newsletter #176 Interested in receiving Weekly Wisdoms in your email? You can subscribe here.

Image Source: Unsplash In the Han Dynasty, there were two scholars named Zhang Shao (张劭) and Fan Shi (范式), and they were great friends. They studied together at the Imperial College of Supreme Learning, the highest educational institute at the time. After graduation, they each returned to their hometowns, but they planned to meet again in two years, when Fan Shi would go visit Zhang Shao’s home. Two years passed, and Zhang Shao told his mother that his friend, Fan Shi, would be coming today. His mother said, “You two made that arrangement two years ago. Maybe he forgot by now. Besides, his hometown is so far away from here, are you sure he will come?” Zhang Shao replied, “My friend is extremely trustworthy. I’m sure he will come.” Then, he and his mother prepared the house and food for Fan Shi’s arrival. As Zhao Shao said, Fan Shi indeed arrived later that day. Their friendship continued to grow as time went on. Later on, Fan Shi was critically ill, and he told his wife, “You must go find Zhang Shao, tell him I don’t have much time left, and bring him here to see me off.” So his wife rushed to find Zhang Shao. As soon as Zhao Shao heard the news, he rushed to Fan Shi’s town. By the time Zhao Shao arrived, Fan Shi had already passed, and the funeral staff were trying to make his coffin. But for some reason, the staff couldn’t get the angles right. When Zhao Shao arrived, they suddenly were able to get the angle right. Then Zhao Shao personally buried Fan Shi and handled his funeral affairs. Furthermore, he took care of Fan Shi’s wife and children. These two friends set a heart-moving example of what it means to be a true friend.

In the Zhou Dynasty, there was a young boy named Min Ziqian (闵子骞). Min’s mother died when he was young, and his father remarried to another woman with two children of her own. His stepmother treated him very poorly, but she made sure his father never knew. One winter, the stepmother made three winter jackets. The two for her sons were stuffed with warm cotton, while the one for Min was stuffed with a reed flower, which is fluffy but not warm. Image Source One winter day, the dad and his son went out. The son was driving the horse carriage. The dad noticed his son shivering despite wearing such a fluffy winter jacket. The dad got angry because he thought the son was trying to insult his stepmom, so whipped his son. The whip broke open the jacket, and out came the flowers. His dad instantly realized that the stepmother had been mistreating his son, and he was furious about it. He planned to go back home and kick the stepmother out of the house. The son knew this and knelt down and pleaded his dad to not kick the stepmother out. The dad was bewildered and said, “Why should I not kick out your stepmother when she’s been mistreating you this whole time?” The son replied, “With the stepmother here, one son is cold. Without the stepmother, three sons will be cold.” The dad calmed down and was moved by his son’s filial piety. When his stepmother found out, she was extremely ashamed of herself and improved. The family later achieved great harmony.

In the Han Dynasty, there was a filial boy named Cai Shun (蔡顺). One time, the boy was out in the mountains picking mulberries. On the way home, he encountered some a gang of thieves. The thieves were about to steal the mulberries that the child picked, but the leader noticed that the young boy separated the berries into two baskets. The gang leader asked, “Boy, these are just mulberries. Why did you spend time separating them into two baskets?” The boy replied, “One basket is for the sweet mulberries. Those are for my mother. The other basket is for the sour ones. Those are for me.” The gang leader was extremely moved by this boy’s filial piety, and he was reminded of his own mother. Not only that, the gang leader even offered the boy some of the rice they stole from the villagers. The boy politely declined and went back home. Commentary: The first lesson is that we all have goodness inside of us. Even thieves can feel shame in front of virtuous people. The second lesson is that good intentions require wisdom to get good results. Good intentions without wisdom can easily lead to bad results. If the boy had accepted the offerings from the thieves, then the boy would've gotten accused of stealing from the villagers. That would bring shame to his whole family.

Cai, whom she was taking a class from on Di Zi Gui and virtues.

A short story on the virtue of trustworthiness.

A short story on the virtue of trustworthiness.

behavior with stronger good behavior, thereby arising their sense of shame and inspiring them towards virtue

He diligently cultivated virtues such humility, integrity, and broad-mindedness. Thus, filial piety is the first of all virtues.

Image Source: Unsplash I am a novice at the ashram, and we’ve been dropped off in a village with no money and no food, with the mission to find our way for thirty days. The weather is decent, and we’ve been given a warehouse for shelter. We leave our mats there and venture into the village. There are simple huts from which people sell food, spices, and sundries. Laundry is strung between the huts. Most people travel by bike or on foot—some of the children are barefoot. Untethered, without a plan, the first thing we feel is fear, which provokes us to do whatever it takes to survive. We ask for handouts—people in India are generous and often give bread, fruit, or coins to people in spiritual dress. We visit the temple where pilgrims are given free food called prasad—this is sanctified food that is offered to God, then handed out. Anxious about our survival, we resort to selfishness and hoarding. By the second week, we’re in better shape. We’ve figured out that we can earn our provisions by offering help to people in the village. We start assisting people with heavy loads or peddlers who could use a hand with their carts. We soon learn that opening our hearts and souls encourages others to do the same. The donations we receive aren’t dramatically different from the ones we got when we first arrived, but the exchange gives us a warm sense of communal compassion and generosity, and I feel like I’ve absorbed the lesson of our journey. We thought we had nothing, and indeed we barely had any material possessions. but we were still able to give people our effort. However, by the final week, we’re well-fed and secure enough to notice something deeper. Though we had come with nothing, we still had a certain kind of wealth: we are stronger and more capable than a lot of the people in the village. There are seniors, children, and disabled people on the street, all of them in greater need than we are. “I feel bad,” one monk says. “This is short-term for us. For them it’s forever.” “I think we’re missing something,” I add. “We can do more in this village than survive.” We recall Helen Keller’s refrain: “I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.” This is, unfortunately, no exaggeration. In India, you often see people with missing limbs. I realize that now we have found our way, we can share our food and money we have received with those who aren’t as able as we are. Just when I think I’ve learned the lesson of our journey, I come upon a revelation that affects me profoundly: Everyone, even those of us who have already dedicated our lives to service, can always give more. --- Source: Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty Commentary: How many of us are still living life the way the monks lived in the first week? There's a Chinese idiom that goes, "Giving is more joyous than receiving." No matter what our situation is, we can still give. Even if we have no material possessions to give, we can give our time, energy, and knowledge. We can also give others comfort and positivity with a smile or with our listening ears.