Search Results

Do you know anyone who is very capable and has many strengths? Do you ever feel pressured around them? As if they are judging you, or as if other people are always comparing you to them?   There’s a great teaching from Liao Fan’s Four Lessons : “Don’t let your strengths overshadow others. Don’t let your goodness make others look bad. Don’t let your great abilities trouble others.”   (Translation: Self. Original Text: 勿以己之長而蓋人；勿以己之善而形人；勿以己之多能而困人。) Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3   If someone with great ability makes you look bad or expects you to be just as capable as them, how would you feel? You’d probably dislike this person and want to avoid them. So we mustn't be this kind of person. The thing is, people often unintentionally make others feel bad, and they don’t even realize it. Thus, we have to be aware and vigilant against these faults. Below are some of my experiences practicing these spirit of these teachings. Example 1: Don't let your abilities pressure others When I was studying in a Sinology program in China this past year, I was the only native English speaker. But in each course, we have assignments that need to be done in English, so my classmates were interested in improving their English. However, I never start a conversation in English with them because I don’t want to pressure them. I wait for them to start speaking English to me first. Even then, I speak simple English and give them lots of encouragement. If there’s a classmate who shows a lot of eagerness to practice English and asks me to speak more English with them, then I might take initiative to speak English to them; In this situation, I’m sure they’ll feel happy, not stressed.   Example 2: Don't let your successes make others feel bad I recently heard a story of two classmates. The first classmate saw a big spider and freaked out. The second classmate said, “ Don’t be so scared. I used to be scared of spiders too, but I trained myself to get over it. ”   The first classmate felt even worse afterwards. The second classmate didn’t mean to make her classmate feel worse; in fact, she probably wanted to give her classmate encouragement. This is why we need to be more sensitive about how others might interpret our words and whether what we say is appropriate to that situation. Don’t let your good points make others feel bad.   Example 3: Don't let your goodness highlight others' deficiencies At my school, we have morning meditation at 5:40AM and then school cleaning at 6:15AM. Sometimes, some classmates are too tired and don’t come. Some classmates even regularly don’t come. Each room has multiple students assigned to clean it. My room has two other classmates assigned. There were multiple times where one or both of them didn’t come. In these situations, I never took initiative to tell others that my cleaning partners didn’t come, as if I’m the only responsible one and they aren’t. I understand that they have their difficulties, and the school teachers know who came and didn’t come. One time, I saw another room had no one to clean it. I took initiative to clean it, but I didn’t broadcast that I did it. I have the time and ability to help my classmates, so of course I should do it; it's nothing special.   Example 4: Don't let your high abilities trouble others One time during school cleaning, one classmate was in charge of wiping the windows with a wet towel, while the second classmate was in charge of wiping the windows with a dry towel. Afterwards, the windows would be very clean. It's much faster and easier to wipe with the wet towel, so the first classmate went really fast. The second classmate took his time to really clean the windows properly with the dry towel. As a result, some of the windows got dry with water marks before the second classmate reached that window. This is an example of not being considerate enough towards others. The fist classmate should go at a pace that is suitable for the second classmate to keep up. This isn't just for the purpose of avoiding dry water marks on the windows, it's also to not give pressure to the first classmate, as if he's too slow in drying the windows. Since the first classmate was only focused on doing his job as quickly as possible, he might have been trying to show off his speed and ability. As a result, he created more trouble to the both of them because they have to re-wipe the windows with dry water marks.   Example 5: Don't use your high standards to judge and pressure others A classmate once asked me what I think about vegan mock meat. I said, “I think it’s good. Why?”   He said, “There’s a classmate who says that people who still desire the taste of meat don’t truly love animals, and their minds are not truly pure.”   (For context: a lot of Chinese Buddhists eat vegetarian because they don't want to harm living beings, and also because they want to cultivate a pure mind free of desires, such as desire for delicious flavor.)   I said, “He shouldn’t use his high standards to pressure others. It’s fine for him to have high standards for himself, but he needs to be more considerate towards others. Being vegetarian or vegan is already a very kind and noble thing to do. If he criticizes these people for not being kind enough, then that’s rather arrogant and unkind of him. A considerate person would encourage others to make small changes step-by-step and out of their own willingness, not demand others to go completely vegan with no vegan mock meat right away.”   Conclusion We all have our strengths and good points, but it's important to consciously remain humble and sensitive towards others feelings so as to not make others feel bad and harm the relationship. Often, people make these mistakes unintentionally, so conscious effort is needed on our part. At the beginning, we might not realize our mistake until after the event is over. That's normal. But as long as we keep reflecting on ourselves and trying to improve, over time, we will greatly improve our emotional intelligence and relationships. Weekly Wisdom #299

Recently, I encountered a somewhat awkward situation. I'm currently attending a 1-month workshop at a school, and participants live on campus. I have two roommates: a teacher and a fellow classmate. One time, my classmate and I went back to our room. When we entered, we noticed the room was quite smelly. My roommate quickly found the source of the odor: my teacher's towel hanging in the room. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 He said, "I think we should wash that towel for our teacher."   I said, "Hang on. I think you should get his permission first before touching his stuff."   He said, "The towel is very stinky. I think he'd be quite embarrassed if we said, 'Hi teacher, your towel is a bit smelly. Is it OK if I wash it for you?' "   I said, "But if you don't ask him, then he'll come back and wonder where his towel went. Then if you tell him, 'Oh your towel was stinky, so I washed it,'  he'll still be embarrassed, and he might feel disrespected because you didn't get his permission before touching his stuff."   My roommate said, "All right, let's go ask him then."   We checked with our teacher, and he said it's fine for us to wash it.   Later, I asked our teacher if there's a better way to handle the situation than what we did. Before I share what my teacher said, why don't you take a moment to think about it? What would you do if you were in that situation?   My teacher said, "It's good that you can put yourself in the other person's shoes and realize they might feel embarrassed by your words. To go a step further, you need to think of a way to get rid of or reduce that embarrassment. If I were you, I would just let that person come into the room and notice that smell himself. Then when he says, 'What's that smell?', I wouldn't say, 'It's your towel.' I would pretend like I don't know, and I'd let him find out the source himself. Then he'd go wash the towel himself."   I realized that my teacher's method reduces the amount of embarrassment since it seems like we didn't really notice the smell and weren't too bothered by it. From his reply, I can tell that he is highly proficient in empathy and interpersonal skills, and this comes from years of practice and accumulation. I still have long ways to go, and this was a great learning experience for me. Weekly Wisdom #301

Have you ever been in a rush to talk to someone, and because of your urgency, when you see them, you start talking right away? Or perhaps before you even arrive in front of them, you already start shouting their name and speaking your urgent matter? I certainly have, and I've been reminded a few times that this is not respectful nor effective.   I've also been on the receiving end of such behavior, and my feeling was, "I understand that you think your matter is kind of urgent, but you should still ask me if I have a minute before rambling on and on about your matter. It only takes a few extra seconds to be polite. Urgency is no excuse for bad manners."   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 I've made this mistake many times, so I hope sharing some examples can help me have higher vigilance and help others avoid the same mistake. The key isn't simply to ask if others are busy before talking to them; rather, it's to make sure we have a calm mind and a considerate intention before speaking, then we'd naturally inspect their situation.   Example 1: Encounter in the Cafeteria One time at school, I had just finished eating lunch, and I saw a teacher also just finished eating. This teacher is very busy, and it's quite a rare opportunity to ask him a question, so I seized the opportunity, quickly went up to him, and started talking, "Hi teacher! How are you?...I wanted to ask you about…" .   I explained my question and situation, which took a few minutes. He then said to me, "Oh those are big questions. I have another appointment soon, so how about we schedule another time to discuss?"   After he said that, I realized my bad manners. I should've first asked him, "Hi teacher, I have some questions about XZY. Would you happen to have some time to answer them?"   Example 2: Encounter in the Office Another time, I went up to a teacher's office to confirm something. I first knocked on the door. A while later, the teacher said, "Come in."  I went in and saw my teacher hunched over his desk, maybe reading or writing something. I waited a few seconds, but he didn't turn around. I thought to myself, "My thing is really quick and simple" , so I asked my question. My teacher didn't respond right away.   After a minute or so, he turned around and said, "Before you speak, you should confirm the other person is ready to listen."   I realized that my mind is too agitated, that I don't like waiting, which resulted in my bad manners.   Another time at home, I went to ask my mom something, and she was also hunched over her desk. I remembered that incident with my teacher, so I first said, "Mom."   She said, "Yes?" But she didn't turn around, so I waited until she turned around. Then I started speaking about a matter that I needed her opinion on. After I talked for a few minutes, she said, "OK. Sure. Whatever you want."   I felt like she didn't really listen to me seriously, so I said, "Ok… are you sure?"   She said, "I'm busy thinking about something else right now. If you really want to discuss it, can we do it later?"   I reflected on that incident, and I realized that I'm still not empathetic enough. Just because she turned around to look at me doesn't mean her mind is clear and ready to talk. Before talking about the matter, I should've first asked, "I want to chat about XZY as soon as you are free. Are you free now?"   Example 3: Encounter in the Hallway Another time, I encountered a teacher in the hallway. I had some work related matters on my mind, and these things were due very soon, so when I saw him, I immediately started talking, "Oh teacher, I have some things I wanted to ask you about the closing ceremony work. Are you free?"   He didn't respond, nor did he even look at me. I inspected him and the surroundings more, and I noticed that there were two other students arguing, and he was listening intently to what they were saying. When I noticed this, I said, "Oh sorry for disturbing you."  Then I left.   Later (you guessed it), the teacher told me, "Before you speak, you need to inspect the situation."  (By the way, this is a different teacher from the previous two teachers. I've made this mistake with many people…)   Example 4: Being Interrupted The above examples are of me having bad manners. There are also times when I've been on the receiving end of such behavior, and when this happens, it's important to remember this teaching from Marcus Aurelius: "Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself."   Seneca said something similar: "When philosophy is wielded with arrogance and stubbornly, it is the cause for the ruin of many. Let philosophy scrape off your own faults, rather than be a way to rail against the faults of others."   So even though I work hard on having good manners, I can't demand others to have good manners towards me. After all, they might not be aware of these things. Even if they are aware, it's not easy to correct bad habits. I'm already aware of these things, yet I still repeat these mistakes, so it's only expected that others will make these mistakes too.   Moreover, philosophy is an inner seeking; that's what makes it so powerful. When we seek from the inside (our thoughts and actions), we have full control. If we seek from the outside (other people and external conditions), we don't have control.   One time, I was hunched over my desk doing work, and my roommate comes into the room and starts talking to me about something that upset him. I was tempted to say, "You should ask if I'm free before ranting. Can you please give me 5 minutes to wrap up my work first?"   But I stopped myself. Clearly, he is upset and wants some sympathy from me. If I criticize him while he's in a bad mood, it'd just make him feel worse, so I let go of my work and gave him my full attention. Ironically, while I was writing this blog post, my mother shouted from downstairs, "Can you come over? I have something to show you." Again, I promptly let go of my writing and went down to see her. By being strict with myself rather than others, I improved my moral cultivation from these incidents.   Conclusion When we want to talk to others and are in a rush, we might just blurt out whatever we want to say. This is actually bad manners, and it might make others not want to listen to us, which would ruin the effectiveness of our communication. Before talking to others, we should calmly inspect their entire situation. Do they look busy? Is it appropriate for me to speak to them right now? If so, then we can ask, "Hey, are you free to talk about something?"  If they say yes, then we can speak our matter. All of this requires us to remain calm and considerate, which are key to effective thinking and communication. Weekly Wisdom #309

One time, the CEO of a large company took some of his staff to a business lunch with a client company. They had a good meal and a good chat. As they were preparing to leave, the CEO's assistant suddenly felt some discomfort and gas in his stomach. Shortly after, he farted with a loud noise, and everyone looked at him. He was very embarrassed and said, "The food here must have made my stomach upset."   A few weeks later, that same client company sent some people to visit the CEO. The CEO personally came down to greet them and take them up to his office. In the elevator, the CEO and his assistant stood in the middle. Suddenly, the CEO felt discomfort in his stomach and let out a silent but stinky fart. Everyone's face changed as they smelled it, and they all looked towards the center at the CEO's assistant.   The assistant then said, "I swear, it's not me this time!"  Everyone then looked at the CEO.   Later that day, the CEO called the assistant into his office and told him, "You can pack your stuff tomorrow. You're fired."   The assistant was shocked and said, "What! Why?"   The CEO replied, "If you can't even take responsibility for a fart, how can I trust you with anything else?" Icon Sources: 1 , 2 Commentary Do you think the CEO is overreacting? From my perspective, it might seem like the CEO is overreacting, but if we think about it deeper, the assistant has a big attitude problem. He clearly lacks a sense of responsibility and emotional sensitivity. This time, it manifests on the fart matter; in the future, it'll manifest in other, perhaps bigger matters, especially since the CEO's assistant handles big matters. If that happens, it could cause great trouble with irreversible damage.    From this story, I learned two lessons. First, a responsible person takes responsibility for their mistakes, and that's not easy for most people. Second, don't make others look bad!   1: Take responsibility for your mistakes The first time the assistant farted, he didn't take responsibility for it. Instead, he blamed the restaurant food. This has three problems. First, other people didn't get an upset stomach from the restaurant food, so it's not fair to blame the restaurant. Second, it's the CEO that chose this restaurant, so if the assistant criticizes the restaurant, he is also criticizing his own CEO in front of clients. Third, he didn't apologize for his actions, which means he didn't want to take responsibility for them. Despite all these problems, the CEO decided to let the matter go, which shows that the CEO is rather forgiving.   We've all made mistakes. Most of us make mistakes unintentionally. But even so, an unintentional mistake still causes harm and trouble to others. When we make mistakes and others criticize us, do we Try to hide it Try to push away the responsibility Try to explain ourselves and why we shouldn't be blamed Take responsibility our mistake and apologize for it Tell the other person how we will make amends and how we will prevent similar mistakes in the future   Of course, D and E are the mature and responsible things to do, but most people tend to do A, B, and C. Why? Because our ego feels hurt when we feel like we did something wrong or when others criticize us. The ego is a short-sighted and immature kid, and following the ego prevents us from growing and improving.   I often think of this advice from billionaire investor Ray Dalio: "When a problem stems from your own lack of talent or skill, most people feel shame. Get over it. I cannot emphasize this enough: Acknowledging your weaknesses is not the same as surrendering to them. It's the first step toward overcoming them."   If the assistant had said, "Oh I'm really sorry about that,"  then others would probably say, "No worries,"  and the whole situation would be a lot less awkward. His weak sense of responsibility manifested in this situation as not apologizing for his fart, but it probably also manifested many times elsewhere in his work. I would imagine that the CEO often asks him why something wasn't done properly, and he wouldn't take full responsibility for it.   It's easy for us to criticize the assistant, but we need to reflect on ourselves too. I noticed that when I get criticized for making a mistake, I still habitually explain myself. Why? Because my ego wants the other person to know that I am a logical and careful person, and that this mistake isn't because I am careless. For example, recently, my manager said, "Some people wanted to submit their application form to you at 9AM, but they couldn't find you, so they gave their form to me."   I immediately replied, "What? Oh right, the second submission deadline is today at 9AM. But I already communicated with everyone the past few days, and all the group leaders said they don't need anything else, so I wasn't expecting them to need to submit a second application form."   My manager said, "Well, some people did."   Afterwards, I reflected on my attitude. I still wanted to push away blame and justify my actions. Therefore, my ego is too strong and my sense of responsibility is lacking. Otherwise, I would have first said, "I'm sorry I forgot. I need to improve my sense of responsibility and carefulness."   After taking responsibility for my mistake, I can use a calm tone of voice (not one of self-defense) to explain that these group leaders already said they didn't need anything else, which is why I didn't expect them to submit a second application today, but I now know that things always change, and I should still be in my office waiting at the submission deadline just in case a group leader changed their mind.   This all sounds simple and easy to do from a third-person perspective analyzing the matter after-the-fact, but when you are in that moment of being blamed, it's not so easy. It takes practice and cultivation.   2: Don't make others look bad! Everyone has an ego, so if we make others look bad, they will probably resent us. Moreover, the more power and fame a person has, probably the bigger their ego. In the story, the CEO clearly has a big and sensitive ego, which is one reason why he fired his assistant for making him look bad in front of clients. If he was more humble, he would have reflected on himself for not training his assistant better.   As for us, we can't control others, and knowing that most people have a big ego, it's up to us to improve our own emotional intelligence and sensitivity to others' feelings. How can we do that? We need to jump out of our perspective and often practice seeing things from other people's perspective. Don't just do and say whatever feels right or normal from your perspective. Often contemplate how others might interpret our words and actions.   The assistant was telling the truth: he really didn't fart this time. From his perspective, he feels justified to say the truth. But if he jumped out of his perspective and considered the feelings of others, especially his own boss, he might realize that his boss would feel very embarrassed in front of these clients. If he is truly a caring person and truly respects his CEO, he wouldn't bear his CEO being embarrassed in front of important clients, and he would naturally take the blame and say, "Sorry I farted."   From an even higher perspective, it's much better for the whole company and all the employees if the client got a bad impression of the assistant as opposed to the CEO. If the assistant had taken responsibility for the CEO's fart, imagine how the CEO would feel. He'd probably think,  "Wow, this assistant is really dedicated and caring towards me! I will definitely keep your gratitude in mind."   All in all, the lesson I got here is that we need to cultivate our emotional sensitivity, empathy, and respect towards others, such that we often think of how others interpret our words and actions, and we don't bear to make others feel embarrassed or bad. If we can do this, we will have great relationships. If we can't do this, we will unintentionally harm others and create resentment, as was the case with the assistant.   I reflected on myself, and I have the same problem. I remember one time, my mentor was talking to a group of students, and a student said, "Sometimes I have questions, but I don't want to message my teacher because I feel like he is too busy."   My mentor replied, "Whether or not your teacher replies is his matter. You have to trust that your teacher can manage his time and priorities. For example, I receive many messages. If I see a very important and urgent message, I will reply promptly no matter how busy I am. If the message is not too important or urgent, I will reply later. Or perhaps I purposely delay my reply to let the student think longer. Of course, sometimes I just have too many things going on and forget, in which case, it's up to you to follow up. If you don't follow up, then that shows you don't really care about your question."   When I heard this, I thought back to how if I sent an important question to my mentor, he would reply promptly and even call me. But other times, if it's not too important or urgent, he might forget my message, and I'd have to follow up. Thus, I nodded my head and said, "Mhm." My mentor then looked at me and said, "Why are you nodding your head so noticeably? Are you implying that I often don't reply messages promptly?   I said, "No no, that's not my intention. I'm nodding because I know you are very intentional about how and when you reply messages."   Later, I reflected that my mentor might have been half-joking, but even if that's true, he's still half-serious. Indeed, I need to be more sensitive to how others interpret my actions. It's easy to point out others' faults, but it's much, much harder to see one's own faults, and I'm thankful to my mentor for pointing them out.   Conclusion This simple fart story contains deep and broad lessons. It's quite hard to find someone who is truly responsible and humble, who takes full responsibility for their mistakes rather than pushing away blame and explaining themselves in self-defense. It's also really rare to find someone with strong emotional sensitivity and empathy, who is able to sense how others might perceive their actions, and who can't bear others being embarrassed or feeling bad. This all requires us to dampen our ego and cultivate emotional sensitivity. After all, we get hurt the most by our ego, and only we ourselves can do something about it. Weekly Wisdom #302

Recently in a class meeting, my mentor criticized me for not responding to his messages, so he didn't know if I received them or not, and that if I do this to others, they might think I take their help for granted. I promptly said, "Oh I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel ignored. I think I must've misunderstood you before, because I remember you said to us in a previous meeting that we shouldn't always try to be the last person to leave a message in the chat. So I interpreted it as we should reduce the amount of messages we send to you. But now I know that we should still send a message of acknowledgement."   After the meeting, I remembered one of my mentor's teachings: "If someone criticizes you, you shouldn't explain yourself on the spot. Otherwise, it's clear you have a big ego, and people won't bother telling you your problems in the future. Then you'll be walking a dangerous path. If their criticism is accurate, then acknowledge your fault and fix it. If their criticism is inaccurate, then simply thank them for their criticism and guard against it in the future. No need to explain yourself."   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 I thought back to the meeting and wondered, "Did I make the mistake of explaining myself to my mentor's criticism?"   I then sent a message to my mentor: "I thought back to the meeting yesterday, and I wonder if I made the mistake of explaining myself in the face of criticism? I certainly didn't have any intention to argue. I acknowledged my fault and apologized first. And then I wanted to report that I realized where my thinking went wrong as a way to check with you that my thinking is now correct. Does this count as 'explaining oneself in the face of criticism'?   Also, what exactly did you mean before when you said 'we shouldn't always try to be the last person to leave a message in the chat'? I thought that meant we don't always need to say 'Got it, thanks', but now I can't think of any situation in which we don't need to reply to the other person's message.   Thank you for your time and guidance."   My mentor replied, "You can ask your colleague Bob for his thoughts first."   I then asked my colleague, and he told me, " If our superior criticizes us and we explain ourselves on the spot, regardless of our intention, others might think we are indignant and arguing. Unless our superior asked us why we did what we did, we shouldn't explain ourselves. As for the message part, I wonder if you misheard? Maybe he said in a meeting, don't try to be the last person to speak? Or maybe he was referring to group chats?"   I replied, "Oh I get it now! OK I'll know for the future. Unless others ask me to explain myself, I shouldn't take initiative to explain myself. As for the second question, I remember quite clearly that the context was for private chats, specifically with him, not group chats or meetings."   He said, "Oh, I kind of remember now. I think he was saying that if he sends a message, then we reply 'Got it, thank you', then sometimes he might reply a sticker or emoji. In that case, we don't need to reply another sticker or emoji."   I replied, "Oh that makes sense! OK I'll double check with him and get back to you."   My mentor said, "Yes, you two got it. Good job."   Further Reflections In my observation, nearly everyone naturally explains themselves in the face of criticism and misunderstanding. After all, it's an uncomfortable feeling to be misunderstood, so we want to clear up that misunderstanding to feel better. But here's the kicker: How often does explaining ourselves immediately actually result in us feeling better or actually helps the situation?   In my observation, it seems that explaining ourselves immediately usually makes the situation worse rather than better. Why? Because when we desire to explain ourselves, our mood is that of upset, hurt, annoyance, and anger. The energy we give is the energy we attract , so when we speak with this kind of negative energy, we will attract similar energy from the other person.   When we explain ourselves because we feel misunderstood, we are not telling them, "Yes, you are right, I understand you ." If we do that, then there'd be no conflict. When we explain ourselves, we are indirectly telling them, "No, you are wrong. You have bad judgment and bad observation abilities. You shouldn't have said what you said."   But think about it: for them to have that "incorrect view" towards us, surely, we must've done something to give them that impression. Oftentimes, we are unaware that our actions repeatedly left a negative impression in others' eyes. Then when they finally voice it to us, we feel surprised and argue back. But their behavior is not unfounded, so we should not get annoyed at them for being "unreasonable". If we were truly humble and considerate, we'd apologize for causing them trouble and unhappiness rather than explain ourselves, which is really just an indirect way of arguing.   In my case, when I explained myself to my mentor, I felt like my intention was to clear up a misunderstanding and confirm that I understood his words. That is certainly true, but is it the whole truth? If I dig deeper, is there an aspect of wanting to reduce my blame and responsibility? This is where the ego starts resisting deeper reflection because the ego hates being wrong, blamed, or criticized. The ego is responsible for all our suffering and relationship conflicts, so we have to overcome the ego and not deceive ourselves. Indeed, there must be some percentage of wanting to reduce my blame and responsibility; Otherwise, I would simply say, "Yes, you're right. I'm sorry for not replying to your messages to acknowledge that I received them."   Although I was unclear about why my mentor said "Don't always try to be the last person to leave a message in the chat" , I didn't have to bring it up right away. If I deeply felt bad for making my mentor feel disrespected, or I was deeply grateful for my mentor's advice, I wouldn't be in the mood to say, "But you said try not to be the last person to leave a message in the chat" , because I wouldn’t want to risk him thinking I am pushing blame onto him. I would just ask him about it later.   So why didn't I have this sense back then? Because my ego is still too sensitive. When my ego is hurt, all I can think of is my own feelings, resulting in the lack of ability to be considerate towards how others feel and how others might interpret my actions. Therefore, the matter of "not explaining ourselves right away in the face of criticism" isn't simply forcing ourselves to not explain ourselves right away (though this is certainly necessary). At a deeper level, it's about dampening the ego and cultivating humility and consideration towards others.   I remember in the book Teamwork 101,  leadership expert John Maxwell said that the most important factor to team success is harmony. There's also a Chinese idiom that goes, "When the family is harmonious, everything else flourishes."   If we want our life to flourish, we have to build harmony with others, and for that, we must cultivate our humility and kindness (consideration towards others' feelings). If you criticize a humble person, he'd apologize and accept your criticism. If you criticize a considerate person, she'd apologize for causing you trouble and promise to do better in the future. How could a conflict possibly start with a humble and considerate person?   As long as one person is humble and considerate, there's no way for a conflict to start. Whether or not the other person can be that humble and considerate person is out of our control, and frankly speaking, demanding others is a big cause of suffering for ourselves. We want to improve ourselves, and it's already so hard to practice, let alone other people who may not yet see the importance of cultivating virtues. The only option then, is to cultivate humility and kindness ourselves, to give others understanding rather than demand them to give it to us, and to view others' criticisms and misunderstandings as training to elevate our virtues. Whoever puts in such efforts will enjoy the sweet rewards of harmony and prosperity. Concluding Thoughts Do you have the desire to explain yourself right away in the face of criticisms and misunderstandings? Do you reply to others' messages in a timely manner? Weekly Wisdom #315

Image Source Everyone knows how to listen, right? Well, although we have ears, that doesn't equate to being able to listen effectively. How can we judge our listening skills? According to the International Listening Association , if we have strong listening abilities, we would have Good relationships Effective conflict resolution (for relationships) Effective problem solving (for matters) Reduced stress (misunderstandings are stressful!) Increased productivity (bad communication wastes time; doing the wrong work wastes time) Trust (people trust someone who is good at listening) Personal growth (good listening skills help us to learn and improve)   I also remember an important lesson that one of my mentors in business school taught me: "In every facet of life, whether you realize it or not, you’re selling your ideas to other people. If you want others to do something, you have to sell them on it. The greatest sales technique in the world is listening. Listen to the other person, figure out what they want, and show them how what you offer helps them get what they want."   Looking at all those signs and benefits of effective listening, we can then ask ourselves, "Do I need to work on my listening abilities?"  I don't know about you, but I certainly do! So how can we improve our listening ability? First, we need to know and remove obstacles to effective listening.   Here is a great analogy: Imagine you want to pour water into a cup. Image Source If the cup is covered with a lid, or if the cup is upside down, then water cannot go in. First, we have to remove the lid and place the cup upright so that the water can go in. But if the cup is dirty, then the water that goes in will also become dirty. Worse, if the cup has poison in it, then the water that goes in will become poison. So we have to make sure our cup is clean and empty. Third, if the cup has a hole at the bottom, then the water that goes in will leak out, so we also have to make sure the cup doesn't have any holes.   Take a minute to make the connection between that analogy and our listening abilities. Then keep reading.     This analogy tells us three major obstacles to effective listening. The first one is simply not listening to them. Perhaps we were daydreaming, multitasking, or thinking about other things while they were talking. Or perhaps we're just not interested in listening. Or we just don't care about them enough.   The second obstacle is having a bad attitude, such as prejudice and arrogance. There is a phenomenon called confirmation bias , and it means people have a tendency to only pay attention to information that confirms their existing beliefs. When it comes to listening, prejudice is like poison. For example, if we believe they are the problem, that they need to change and apologize, then no matter what they say, we won't feel understanding and empathy towards them, we'll just keep blaming them . Or we hold on to too many of their past faults and negative impressions in our minds, such that before they even speak, we already believe they're going to be just like before. This kind of attitude really poisons relationships.   Another example is having a sensitive ego , such that when others criticize us, we feel uncomfortable and defend ourselves. When it comes to matters, a bad attitude is being stubborn about our way of doing things, such that when others suggest or request a different way, we negate them without giving their suggestion a fair chance. In all these situations, the probably isn't what the other person said, the problem is our attitude.   The third obstacle is forgetfulness. For example, the other person asked us to do three things, and we forgot one of them. Or we listened to a one-hour class or meeting, but afterwards, we forgot a lot of the content. Or sometimes we remember to have a good listening attitude, which builds trust with them, but other times we forget, which results in that trust going down the drain.   Now that we know the obstacles to effective listening, the next question is how to overcome these obstacles. Below are eight important methods.   1: Be motivated to listen. Imagine I told you,  "If you can remember all the key messages I say in the next half an hour, I will give you a million dollars."  Do you think you'd be able to do it? So motivation is critical. To raise our motivation, we can remind ourselves of the importance of effective listening mentioned at the beginning of this article. Having happy relationships is not something money can buy, and the joy of happy relationships is arguably better than anything money can buy. Good relationships are priceless. On the other hand, conflicts and misunderstandings are a major source of stress for us, and a big reason for these conflicts is our ineffective listening.   Aside from the importance of listening, we can also remind ourselves of why we care about the other person. Listening to them is an act of love and care, so when we remember that we care about them, we'll feel more motivated to listen better. 2: Be present and focused. When the other person is speaking, we need to guard our mind against wandering off and thinking about other things. To help us focus, we should pay attention to not just hearing their words, but also pay attention to their facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice. Really try to hear the deeper meaning behind their words; hear what's not being said. 3: Confirm your understanding. After they finish speaking, we can check if we understood them correctly. This refers to both the content of their speech as well as their feelings and any unspoken messages. For example, we might say, "I'd like to check that I understood you correctly. Your meaning is…" "It looks to me like you are feeling…" "I'd like to check that I got all the main points you mentioned. They are…right?"   When we do this, we reduce the risk of misunderstandings by inviting them to clarify. Moreover, others will feel very respected and happy.   4: Write important things down and review them. If the other person asked us to do something or to remember certain things, we can show our respect and carefulness by promptly writing it down. When we write it down, it's also a good time to check our understanding.   If necessary, we should also review what we wrote at appropriate times. For example, in a meeting, we should take meeting notes. Then before the next meeting or conversation, we can review the notes. This way, during the next meeting or conversation, we can say, "I remember in the previous meeting/conversation you told me XZY.  I've already acted on that, and here is my update/progress report."   5: Be respectful and polite. Respect is arguably the most basic element to effective listening. All the methods mentioned in this article relate to respect. Respect is an attitude, while politeness refers to our actions. We should also abide by rules of etiquette and basic politeness. For example, we shouldn't interrupt them, slouch, or do other things while they are talking. If we truly view them as important, we would listen to them until they are finished speaking and pay careful attention to what they are saying. We would also sit or stand straight, face them, and make eye contact while they are talking. These actions all help us to raise our respect and attention.   6: Let go of prejudice and any negative emotions. Wayne Dyer said, "If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."   Similarly, if we change our attitude towards others, they become a different person in our eyes, and their words will have different meaning to our ears. So don't be a cup with dirt or poison inside. Let go of past negative impressions. Don't think it's going to be the same as always. Don't try to predict what they will say. Listen with an open mind and try to give them kindness and understanding just like you would to a good friend.   7: Focus on understanding others. A lot of people will think about what they're going to say next while the other person is talking. This is a bad habit that hinders us from effective communication. If we plan a response when they haven't even finished talking, then our response will likely miss the mark. If we instead focus on understanding them, then when they finish speaking, we will naturally be able to respond in an appropriate way. Like any habit, it takes practice and time to change, so don't fret if you got distracted again. Just focus on bringing that attention back to the other person.   When it comes to conflicts and misunderstandings, it's even more important to focus on understanding others. In Book 1 Chapter 16 of The Analects of Confucius , Confucius said, "Do not worry about others not understanding you. Worry about not understanding others."   This runs contrary to our natural inclinations, but our natural inclinations here are harmful. Why? Because in a conflict, if we are always focused on ourselves, on trying to protect our self-image, on telling others how they misunderstood us, then we are bringing an attitude of opposition to the conversation. This is analogous to being a cup with poison inside. When they try to explain themselves and seek our understanding, we'll feel like they don't understand us, and we'll argue with them and negate their feelings. This creates more and more conflict.   If we instead let go of the desire to be understood, at least temporarily, and focus on letting them feel understood, then we can turn an argument into a harmonious and productive conversation. Once they feel understood, they'll feel grateful and touched, and then they'll be willing to understand us back. It only takes one person's attitude shift to create a harmonious and productive conversation, and there's only one person's attitude we can control. 8: Resist the urge to advise or lecture others. Do you know anybody who always likes to give other people advice or lecture others? When you talk to them, you might not even be looking for advice, but then they start advising you. Or maybe you are looking for advice, but before you could fully explain yourself, they start advising you. Or perhaps they finished listening to you, but once they start advising you, they can't stop talking, or they are really pushy with their advice.   In Book 4A Chapter 23 of the book Mencius , the Chinese philosopher Mencius said, "The trouble with people lies in their liking to advise others."   The problem isn't the matter of advising others. The problem is the attitude of liking to advise others because this type of attitude lacks respect and consideration for others. It is also one of arrogance and self-centeredness. One who is fond of advising others thinks that they are really wise and that their advice is definitely right, which can make them seem pushy in the eyes of others.   Moreover, since they enjoy giving advice so much, they can't resist the urge to cut the other person off and say, "I already know your problem. Let me tell you how to solve it."  This is quite rude, and the other person will feel disrespected and not understood. If we want to be an effective listener, we have to let go of the desire to advise others and focus on letting them feel understood.   Another situation I've encountered is when the other person is just looking to vent their emotions and get some affirmation and understanding. After they finish explaining their situation, I start telling them what they should do to solve their problem. Then they get upset. When this happened to me, I thought to myself, "You told me your problem, and I gave you advice. Isn't this normal? Why are you upset?"  But if I were more sensitive to other people's feelings, I'd realize they aren't looking for a solution, they already know what they should do, but they have emotions to vent, and they are purely looking for affirmation and understanding.   Just to be clear, this does not mean we cannot give others advice. The problem is not the matter, it's the attitude. Usually, if others didn't even ask us for advice, yet we are eager to give advice, this is a troublesome attitude. But if they finished speaking and asked us for our advice, it's obviously suitable and natural for us to give some advice. Of course, we need to guard against being pushy or talking excessively.   If they didn't ask us for our advice, but we feel there's something important we need to tell them, then we can also ask them if they'd like our advice. We might say, "There's something important that I want to tell you. Can I tell you now?"  or "I have some advice that you could consider. Would you like to hear it?" Notice how the wording is very humble and respectful.   Conclusion Just because we have ears that can hear doesn't mean we have good listening abilities. In fact, most of us were probably never taught how to listen well, which is quite problematic given how important listening is to our lives. Therefore, it is up to us to learn and practice good listening. As for other people, the best thing we can do is to role model good listening to them (as opposed to getting upset at them and demanding them to be better listeners when we ourselves have the same problem).   This article talked about three major obstacles and eight methods for effective listening. Ultimately, the most important factor is our attitude: if we are motivated to listen, if we respect them and care about them, then we will naturally listen well, and we would enjoy many rewards, such as happier relationships, better problem solving, reduced stress, and personal growth. Let's all do our part to contribute to a world of good listeners. Weekly Wisdom #316

Whether it's Christmas, a birthday, an anniversary, or even daily life, the art of gift giving is essential! A poorly thought-out gift leaves a bad impression, while a well thought-out gift brings great joy to everyone. Here are five wonderful and free gift ideas, plus a bonus idea at the end! Image Source: Unsplash 1: Words of Affirmation Did you know that good relationships typically have a 5:1 compliment to criticism ratio ? And excellent relationships have a 20:1 compliment to criticism ratio! In other words, people really appreciate compliments and affirmations. We can give others a handwritten note or a card complimenting their positive qualities. Example: "Dear Mom, thanks for being such a caring person and helping everyone in the family have harmony. I am fortunate to have a great mother like you! Merry Christmas and happy new year!" 2: Words of Gratitude The most common complaint in the workplace is " You can do a hundred right and not hear a thing about it, but if you do one thing wrong, they're all over you. " This complaint is not just true for the workplace, but also for personal relationships too! Our words of gratitude just might make someone's day! Example: "Hi Andy, thank you for being my meditation buddy and keeping me accountable to maintain this healthy habit. I'm fortunate to have a great friend like you! Merry Christmas and happy new year!" 3: Quality Time When it comes to relationships, it's not how much time we spend with others that matters but rather the quality of that time. Some ideas here could be doing something with them that they really like, such as playing their favorite board game, or watching their favorite movie and then talking about it with them after, or joining them for a hobby of theirs. Example: "Happy Birthday Leon! I know you love to watch Avengers. Here's a ticket for us to watch Avengers whenever you want! I'll buy the snacks!" 4: Act of Service (Favor) This gift is especially appreciated by people who show their love through actions rather than words. For example, some people show their love by doing the chores or cooking or running errands. For these people, we can do their chores as a gift. Example: "Dear grandma, thanks for always cooking delicious meals for us whenever we visit. Today, you can rest, and I will cook for you!" 5: Prayer Some people might not be in the festive spirit due to personal reasons. For them, we can give them the gift of prayer or best wishes. Example: "Dear Judy, I know things are challenging right now. I am here for you, and I am praying for you (or I am wishing the best for you)." Bonus Idea: Philanthropy Most of us have too much stuff, and we often have to pretend to be happy to get more stuff that we don't need. Well, rather than getting people stuff that they probably don't need or want, we can give them the gift of philanthropy! In the past, I used to make donations using the names of other people. Recently, I found a website called Charity Choice . It's great because I can send a gift card and let the receiver choose the charity from a big list. I can also design a customized picture (I like to send a past picture of me and the receiver) to go with the gift. Conclusion This article went over six different gift ideas, five of which are totally free. To make your gift even better, you can combine multiple ideas. For example, you could give words of affirmation AND an act of service AND a charity donation! If you bought a physical gift, adding one of these free gifts would be the icing on the cake. Gift giving does not need to be arduous or expensive. The key is to give a gift that is thoughtful, meaningful, and sincere. As Maya Angelou said, people might forget what we did or what we said, but they will never forget how we made them feel!

Imagine you organized a party for some special guests. You put in a lot of effort to book the venue, to pick the best food, to put up decorations, and to pick a special gift. During the party, would you tell your guests all the effort you put in? Image Source I am from North America, and the North American culture tends to be very direct. I would probably tell my guests all the effort I put in to organize the party, to pick the foods that they like, to find the best decorations, to pick a useful gift, etc. All of this shows how much I care about them. After all, I wouldn't put in this much effort for just anyone. However, different cultures have different customs. I learned that in eastern cultures, they wouldn't say all the hard work they put in. In fact, they even downplay all their effort, saying that they did not put much effort, that the food isn't that good, that the gift isn't that thoughtful. I was totally astonished to learn this. Why would they do that?! Wouldn't that make the person feel like they aren't important? When I learned their reasons, I realized there is merit to their way of thinking. Firstly, we should not be arrogant to assume that we did a great job. Perhaps we think we did a great job preparing the food or picking a thoughtful gift, but the other person does not think so. Then it would be very awkward. Moreover, no one likes people who boast about themselves or are self-assuming. I remember seeing a friend give what he thought was an amazing gift to someone, but that person did not have a big reaction, so he was disappointed, and the receiver felt awkward. If he had downplayed his efforts, he wouldn't have been so disappointed, and the receiver wouldn't have felt so awkward. Secondly, we don't want to give pressure to others or make them feel like they burdened us. They might not like the food, or perhaps the gift isn't something they want. When we assert how much effort we put into it, they feel awkward and have to pretend to like it, or they feel embarrassed that they made us go through so much trouble. Indeed, I've had to pretend to like gifts that others gave me, or pretend to enjoy the food at a certain restaurant. No one enjoys being fake. If instead, we downplay our efforts, then there won't be any awkwardness. It's important to add that in eastern cultures, after the host downplays their effort, the guest is supposed to praise the host, saying, " No no, your food is good! Oh I love the gift! " This helps to build a good relationship between them. But if the host already praised herself, then it's not very meaningful for the guest to praise the host. Which Standard Should I Follow? So, is there a "correct" or "best" custom to follow? Well, the best custom to follow is probably the one that your specific location is used to. As the saying goes, When in Rome, do as the Romans do. In other words, we should respect and follow the local traditions (otherwise you will annoy and confuse people). If I am in an eastern country like China or Japan, I definitely should not emphasize how much effort I put into my gift. But even if I am in North America, I could still be more careful to not emphasize my effort too much so as to avoid seeming arrogant and giving others pressure. For example, this past Christmas, I got some gifts for some friends. I personally thought the gifts were very thoughtful and high quality, and they actually cost a lot more than what I would normally spend on a Christmas gift. However, I didn't say anything about the effort or money. All I said was, " Oh yeah I thought you might like it! " I purposefully said "might" instead of " I knew you would like it! " to avoid giving them pressure just in case they didn't actually like it. I also did not mention the price so that they would not feel pressured to get me an expensive gift in the future. However, I did not downplay my efforts and say, " I just picked it kind of randomly. It's not that thoughtful. " That would seem strange and uncaring in North America. My friends told me they genuinely loved the gift. I can feel happy knowing that I did not pressure them to say those words, that those words are their sincere feelings. Extension: The Art of Etiquette Ultimately, gift giving is a form of etiquette and manners. We can also extend this idea towards many other things in life. Below are a couple examples: 1: Restaurant Meals When ordering food at a restaurant, we don't need to be so direct and say, " I will order this pasta dish specifically for you because I know you love pasta. " That would give them pressure to like that pasta, or they feel like a burden that you cannot order what you want to order because of them. Instead, we can say, " Oh this pasta dish sounds like it might be good! We can try it! " If there are shared dishes, offer for others to take some first. Also, try to not eat too fast or too slow compared to others. That way, it won't be awkward if someone finishes much earlier or much later than everyone else. 2: Favors Instead of saying, " Let me help you do the dishes ," we can ask, " Could I do the dishes? " If we say, " Let me help you, " we are being self-assuming that we are helpful, that they want our help. We will also think we were great for helping them, and we might be upset if they don't thank us. That then gives them pressure or makes them feel like they burdened us. By saying, " Could I do the dishes? ", we are being humble and considerate of their feelings. After doing a favor or task for someone, we don't need to say, " I spent so much time and hard work to do that task for you. " They might think, " Oh. Well, I'm sorry for being such a burden to you. I guess you don't want to put in all that effort for me? " or " Did you really put in a lot of effort? You didn't even do the job well! " Instead, we can simply say, " I finished that task. Let me know if it is OK. " This is much more humble. Conclusion We all like people who are humble and considerate. When doing things for others or giving them gifts, we can practice humility and consideration by downplaying our efforts. This way, we don't seem arrogant, and they don't feel pressured to appreciate us or feel like they burdened us. Weekly Wisdom #221

I'm teaching etiquette to middle school children this year, and in class, I reminded students that it's rude to interrupt others when they are talking, and that they should instead raise their hand and wait until the speaker is done talking and invites them to speak. I also told them that etiquette is very reasonable, and that if they ever feel like any rule of etiquette is unreasonable, we can discuss it. Image Source: Unsplash  One student asked, "You said it's impolite to interrupt others, but pretty much everyone does it, so is it really that impolite?"   Another student said, "Also, sometimes I have something important to say on the topic that just came up, and if I wait until later, I'm afraid I'll forget. Even if I don't forget, if I say it later, the feeling and impact won't be the same."   I first said, "I really like how you guys are thinking critically about etiquette and asking these questions. It will help us gain a deeper understanding of etiquette, which will then help us absorb its spirit and practice it better."   To the first student, I said, "Nowadays, people don't really learn etiquette growing up. We learn the basics like saying please and thank you, but it's really quite limited and shallow. Etiquette is a deep and broad subject, and most people don't understand much about etiquette, so impolite behavior is quite common. But just because it's common doesn't mean it's good or polite. If we want the world to become more polite, we have to start with ourselves.   Perhaps some people might think being interrupted is not that big of a deal, but what about most people? What about the typical person? If you pulled some random people off the street and asked them, 'Do you like being interrupted?', most people would probably say no. Even for yourself, perhaps you understand why others might interrupt you so you don't get upset at them, but wouldn't you still prefer it if others didn't interrupt you?"   That student nodded in agreement.   To the second student, I said, "I totally understand that feeling of wanting to say something now because we're afraid we'll forget later, and that the feeling would be different if we don't say it now. But that's just one side of the situation. Every situation has many perspectives and factors to consider. What other factors can you guys think of?"   We then discussed it as a class, and we thought of six more factors aside from our own perspectives.   1: The Other Person's Perspective Aside from our own perspective, the other most obvious factor is the other person's perspective. If they get interrupted, would they be happy towards us? If we interrupt them and it's truly beneficial to them, and they would agree that it's best that we interrupted them sooner rather than wait, then maybe it's a good idea to interrupt them. Otherwise, it's probably better if we wait for them to finish speaking first.   2: Our Goal We should always consider what our goal is when doing anything. If we have something important to say, our goal is for them to truly listen to us, right? The thing is, if they are in the middle of talking, and then we interrupt them, would they be able to suddenly shift their full attention to listen to us? Or would they be thinking, "I want to finish what I was saying!"   If we say our idea, but they're not ready to listen, then they might resist the idea simply because they feel annoyed at being interrupted. Wouldn't that be such a waste of a good idea? There's a reason why restaurants present their food so nicely. If they made a really nice meal with fine ingredients, but the presentation looks bad, people will think it's a cheap meal. Similarly, if our idea is really important, we should set up the perfect moment to present the idea to maximize its chances of being accepted.   3: Karma Karma is in everything. What goes around comes around. If we interrupt others, then others will interrupt us back. They'll think, "You interrupted me before, so it's only fair that I can also interrupt you back." If we interrupt them to tell them something that we think is important, then they might also interrupt us back because they think they have something important to say. Wouldn't that be frustrating to everyone?   4: Self-Cultivation From the perspective of self-cultivation, one of the first and foundational virtues to cultivate is patience. This is especially true in modern urban life, where everything is about speed and getting what we want right now . As a result, impatience is becoming ever more widespread. If we feel like our chest is tightening because we want to say something now , then this is precisely a moment for us to cultivate patience. Chances are, nothing tragic is going to happen if we don't interrupt, so we can wait.   5: Information Completeness Sometimes, we are listening to others, and we suddenly have an idea that we want to share. But perhaps the other person isn't finished explaining the situation yet. Our idea is based on the information they've shared thus far, but there's still more to come. If we wait for them to finish talking first, our idea might change.   If we want to give a good suggestion, then we should first make sure we have all the necessary information, and also make them feel fully understood. In that case, we would patiently listen to them speak everything on their mind, summarize their main points to check our understanding, and then ask if we can give our thoughts for their consideration.   If we instead impulsively interrupt and share our suggestion based on an incomplete understanding of their situation, then they would not only be annoyed at us, but also lose trust in us.   6: Memory From the perspective of memory, if it's truly important, would we really forget? If we forget, chances are, it doesn't have big, painful consequences. In other words, we shouldn't overestimate the importance of our ideas.   There have been times where someone said to me, "I've been meaning to tell you this for a long time, but every time I always forget." I don't remember any of these things being super critical. However, it's certainly preferable that we remember these things, so I'll share a method to help.   For example, let's say I'm listening to my principal talk about yesterday's assembly, and I suddenly had a thought, "I need to suggest to the principal that next time, the school shouldn't let Bob and Jack sit together because they talk too much and disturb others."  I don't interrupt because I am polite, but I also don't want to forget this thought. What can I do?   One method is to make an exaggerated image in my head. I would imagine Bob and Jack with very big heads talking to each other, with spit coming out of their mouth. As soon as I have this image, I can be confident that I probably won't forget. Then I focus on listening to the principal and wait until he's finished to bring up my idea.   (On a related note, when giving suggestions, I shouldn't be too definite or certain that my suggestion is good. Every situation is infinitely complex and always changing, so we should use words like "maybe", "might", "perhaps",  and "for your consideration" .)   Conclusion Interrupting others seems like a small and insignificant thing, but from our class discussion, I realized how deep and broad its implications can be. A big thanks to the students for the questions and discussion! If you have other perspectives that we missed, feel free to comment below.   Bad habits are hard to change, and I still interrupt people too, but when we understand the significance of our bad habit, we'll have more motivation to change. As long as we have motivation, we'll persist. As long as we persist, we'll definitely improve. Weekly Wisdom #361

Did you know that people speak on average anywhere from 6000 to 16000 words a day ? But more importantly, are we doing good with our words? Or are we wasting our words? Or worse, are we creating conflict and suffering with our words? Ancient philosophers all emphasized the importance of cultivating our speech. For example, Socrates taught the Triple Filter Test : before saying something, make sure it is true, good, and useful. Cato the Younger was a great orator whose public speeches were capable of moving the masses. He said, "I begin to speak only when I'm certain what I'll say isn't better left unsaid." The Importance of Our Speech You might be thinking, "That sounds like a lot of unnecessary hassle…Do I really need to be so careful with my speech?" I would ask, "Do you want a happy life and happy relationships?" Happiness expert Gretchen Rubin said, "Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree that a key—maybe the key—to a happy life is strong relationships.” The longest scientific study done on happiness is the Harvard Study of Adult Development. Robert Waldinger is the fourth director of this study, and he reported, “The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period…The people who were most satisfied with their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80.” According to the Gottman Institute , happy marriages have at least a 5:1 positive to negative interaction ratio, meaning that for every negative interaction in the relationship, there are at least 5 positive ones. Excellent marriages have a 20:1 ratio. If the relationship approaches a 1:1 ratio, then that marriage is headed for disaster. We can infer similar situations for other relationships too, such as relationships with family, at work, and with friends. Think about it: How much of our relationship conflict is related to our speech? A criticism here, a sarcastic remark there, another complaint here. Before you know it, conflict is born. Conflict at home leads to a lot of unhappiness. Conflict at work hinders our professional success. Therefore, cultivating our speech is absolutely essential for happy relationships and a happy life. Broadly speaking, we want to avoid "bad" speech and only speak what is helpful, useful, and timely. But what are some specific examples that we commonly encounter in our daily lives? Venerable Jing Kong gave five concrete examples: Speak less words of complaint and more words of tolerance . Complaining brings resentment. Tolerance is wisdom. Speak less words of sarcasm and more words of respect . Sarcasm leads to contempt. Respect brings understanding. Speak less words of hurt and more words of care . Hurtful words create opposition. Caring words bring friendship. Speak less words of command and more words of discussion . Speaking words of command is tyranny. Speaking words of discussion is true leadership. Speak less words of criticism and more words of encouragement . Criticism creates distance. Encouragement brings out potential. These five have some overlap, but they also have their unique aspects. Let's look at each in more detail. 1: Speak less words of complaint and more words of tolerance What's uncool to do, a burden to hear, and common everywhere? No one likes a complainer, so let's not be one ourselves. Complaining creates negative emotions within ourselves and causes others to resent us. That's quite a bad deal, right? Besides, guess who suffers most from always complaining? Hint: it's not them. A wise person knows that complaining doesn't help anybody, and it hurts us the most. Rather than complaining, wise people focus on solving the problem. Wise people also prioritize harmony over matters. For example, rather than saying "Why are you always so busy? Can't you prioritize me for once?" "Why are my employees so lazy? They just do the bare minimum." Instead we can say "Hi honey, I know you've been extremely busy recently, and I just wanted you to know that I really appreciate how hard you work for the family. It's not easy being in your shoes, and I admire your diligence. I do have a request though. Do you think you could free up an evening with me next week to go out and have some fun? That would really make my week. But I know you are very busy, so if you can't, it's okay too." "Thank you to all the employees for your dedication and support every day. It has come to my attention that some employees are lacking motivation at work. As your leader, I want to give you a positive and supportive working environment. Please communicate with me more about how we can achieve this." From these examples, we can see that effective speech shows tolerance, understanding, and respect towards others. It also proposes a solution and makes an offer for further communication. 2: Speak less words of sarcasm and more words of respect Oftentimes, people use sarcasm because they think it is funny, or to avoid directly communicating about a problem. After saying sarcastic words, the other person will feel offended and say, "How can you say that?" The speaker then says, "I'm just kidding! Don't take things so seriously!" In other words, sarcastic people deceive themselves and others. They think they are "just kidding", but deep down, there is truth to what they are saying, otherwise they wouldn't even think of saying it. They tell the other person they are kidding, but the other person is doubtful. If we can't openly and respectfully communicate about a problem, the relationship is headed for disaster, and both parties will have a lot of suffering ahead. Just to be clear, some sarcasm can be humorous. For example, if a person says, " I'm a MasterChef. My specialty is burning toast. " That's fine. That doesn’t offend anyone and is kind of funny. Here, we are referring to sarcastic speech that offends others. For example, we should not say things like "My partner doesn't have any good points. Just kidding!" "I just love it when my partner ignores me, which only happens every day. Just kidding!" "I think my partner loves his/her phone more than me. Just kidding!" "I think my partner has Alzheimer's. He always forgets about me. Just kidding!" If we continually make sarcastic remarks about someone, that person will eventually feel contempt and hate us. One simple solution is simply to not say sarcastic speech. If we want to communicate about a problem, we should use a respectful and caring intention. For example, we can say, "You know I care about you, and that means I want you to be your best self. I really hope you can be more conscientious about XYZ. I know it's not easy, and I probably don't understand everything about your situation and how you feel, but I'm willing to chat openly about it. I also know that I'm not perfect either, so I'm willing to improve myself for you too." Problems are unavoidable in relationships. Good relationships aren't those that don't have any problems, they are those that can openly communicate about problems and solve them in a harmonious way. That requires us to avoid hurtful speech like sarcasm and to speak with a loving and respectful heart. 3: Speak less words of hurt and more words of care Complaints and sarcasm both hurt others. In this context, I think "hurtful speech" is more harmful than complaints and sarcasm, and it often arises out of anger or hate. For example: "You're hopeless!" "Why can't you be as smart as your brother?" "That's a stupid idea. Why would you even think of something like that?" Hurtful speech causes emotional wounds. Physical wounds heal in time. Emotional wounds might cause suffering and resentment for a lifetime. On the other hand, caring words spoken in someone's time of need can make them feel like their world still has hope and give them motivation to keep going. Given how big the impact is, we really need to develop endurance against anger and cultivate caring speech. People who speak hurtful speech and get angry easily are highly insensitive to others' feelings. The solution then, is to be more caring and sensitive towards others. Instead of blaming them, try to understand why they are like that. After all, no one tries to be stupid. No one tries to be bad. We all do things because we think it's the right thing to do. Perhaps we were wrong, but that doesn't mean we like being wrong or stupid. Or perhaps it is a bad habit, but that doesn't mean we want to be a slave to bad habits. How would you want others to treat you when you make a mistake or act according to bad habits? Most people would want others to show understanding and care rather than harshly blaming or criticizing. We can say things like, "It's okay, we're all human. We've all made that mistake before. I believe you will be better in the future." "If I were in your shoes, I'd probably be the same as you, if not worse. It's not easy for you, but I believe in you." "This is a serious problem, and I'm concerned for your wellbeing. How can I help?" When we speak words of care and understanding, we will strengthen our relationship even, and especially, in the face of challenges. 4: Speak less words of command and more words of discussion This one focuses on people in positions of power, such as parents and bosses. It also applies to people of equal power, such as spouses, coworkers, and friends. It's easy to become arrogant when we have power. After all, those below us usually have no choice but to follow our commands. But if we become tyrants who always command others and never listen to other people's opinions, then other people will accumulate resentment and eventually rebel against us. Words of command leave no room for discussion. For example: "I need you to complete this task by tomorrow evening." "This weekend we are going to clean the house at noon, and you need to be here. No excuses!" "I bought this new shirt for you. Don't wear that old shirt anymore. It's ugly. From now on, wear this new one." Words of discussion would sound like this: "Are you busy recently? I have a really important task that needs to be done as soon as possible. Would you be able to do it by tomorrow evening? You can put other tasks on hold to work on this one first." "I think our house really needs some cleaning. What do you think? Would you be free this Sunday at noon to clean with me?" "I know you really like that shirt, but I just don't like it very much. Would it be possible for you to wear a different shirt? I'll even pay for you to buy a new one, and you can pick!" Effective leaders are caring and humble. They would understand their followers' needs and difficulties, and they would consult their followers for their input. In this way, their followers will be loyal and supportive. To elaborate further within the context of family relationships, I heard an interesting phrase called "loving you without your permission." It refers to when people use the disguise of love to try to control others. For example, "I bought this for you. It's very healthy. Eat it." But what if the other person doesn't like it? What if the other person doesn't want it? Did you ask them if they want it? If they already said they don't want it, we shouldn't force them to do something they don't want to do. Now you might object and say, "But they clearly need it. I really am doing it for their own good. If they don't change, they will have negative consequences." That's a fair point. But if our goal is truly to help them, then we would help them change in a way that they can accept. For example, if someone smokes ten cigarettes a day, it's very very hard for them to stop completely the next day. If we force them to make such a big change so fast, then we lack empathy and kindness. True kindness is patient and encouraging. We would help them think of ways to change, and we would support them patiently. 5: Speak less words of criticism and more words of encouragement To me, criticism sounds very similar to complaints and hurtful speech. To differentiate them, I think complaints are lighter than criticisms. Criticisms and hurtful speech both hurt others, but in this context, I think hurtful speech carries the intention to make others feel bad, while criticisms might not. When we criticize others, we often do so because we are annoyed at their behavior, but we might not actually be trying to hurt them. Even though we don't have that intention, the result of criticism is still hurting others, so we need to be careful to avoid it. One of the most common workplace complaints is "You can do a hundred things right and no one notices. You do one thing wrong and they're all over you." I'm pretty sure leaders aren't trying to make their workers feel demotivated, but that's exactly what happens when there's a lack of encouragement and too much criticism. We especially need to say more words of appreciation and encouragement to those working in thankless jobs, such as janitors, receptionists, nurses, and customer service workers. William Cowper said, “I believe no man was ever scolded out of his sins.” Again, when we criticize others about their bad behavior, we probably want them to change. But we might not realize that criticizing them isn't helpful. In fact, it only makes them feel worse and creates opposition. As a result, they refuse to listen to us, which is counterproductive towards our hopes. That's really unfortunate. Everyone is trying their best to live their life, to do what they think is right, and everyone needs affirmation and moral support. Let's try to make the word kinder and better by noticing other people's efforts and encouraging them more. Rather than criticizing others for their problems, we should show understanding, provide a solution, and affirm them that they can be better. In this way, we can truly help them bring out their potential. For example, rather than saying "How could you forget to bring the keys? You are always so careless." "Your report has many errors. This is unacceptable." We can say "You've been really busy and tired recently, so maybe that's why you forgot the keys. I'm sure you'll be more careful next time. Maybe you can keep a set of spare keys in the car to prevent this problem in the future." "This report was a big task, and I know you worked very hard on it in the short time given. Thank you for your hard work. You are still accumulating experience, and I'm sure you will do better in the future. Next time, please communicate with me more during the writing process so that we can catch errors earlier and prevent a last-minute scramble." When we speak words of encouragement and understanding, and when we provide a solution rather than just criticizing, we show that we are on their side, that we want the best for them, and that we believe in them. In this way, they will trust us and have motivation to improve. My Experience The one that resonates with me the most is "speak less words of complaint". I have a bad habit of complaining, and I've been working on it a lot over the past couple of years. In fact, I did a 21-Day No Complaint Challenge , and have continued to be vigilant since. I'm much better now, but I still have room for improvement. I don't really speak sarcasm. When others speak sarcastically to me, I usually take it seriously and don't realize it's sarcasm until they tell me. As a teacher, I try to speak more words of discussion and less words of command with my students. For example, students need to submit assignments by a certain date. But I tell them that if they have extenuating circumstances, they can communicate with me and we might be able to make an exception. I also like to give students options to choose from, such as whether they want to do a test or a presentation, or whether they want a study class or an extra lesson. This way, they feel heard and respected. Like anybody, I've been on the receiving end of criticisms and hurtful speech. I told myself, "I need to not be like this towards others." Hence, when I give criticism, I'm careful to first say something positive first, then provide a solution and request them to change in a respectful way. This is much easier when done in writing. If I have to respond on-the-spot orally, sometimes I still end up criticizing without respect and without providing a solution. That's something I need to keep working on. Conclusion Everyone wants to have happy relationships and a happy life. Unfortunately, most of us weren't taught the importance of speech and how to speak effectively in a way that promotes harmony. Thus, we need to take it upon ourselves to learn and practice now. This article looked at five concrete examples: Speak less words of complaint and more words of tolerance. Speak less words of sarcasm and more words of respect. Speak less words of hurt and more words of care. Speak less words of command and more words of discussion. Speak less words of criticism and more words of encouragement. Which one resonates with you the most? How can you work on it? Weekly Wisdom #266

What's one of the most common reasons we get angry or upset at other people? One reason is because we think we are right and they are wrong, yet they don't listen to us.   Venerable Jing Kong once said, "Other people's wrong is right. My right is wrong."   This is a Zen koan, meaning that it seems paradoxical at surface level, and it's meant to help us break free from conventional thinking and to gain insight. So, what do you think is the deeper meaning behind this koan? After you have your thoughts, keep reading. Image Source: ChatGPT    Venerable Jing Kong explained that other people's bad behavior is "right" because they were taught that bad behavior by the people around them and by their upbringing. For example, if someone is very rude, chances are, their parents and peers role modeled rude behavior for them, so they naturally learned it. Their behavior is "right" in that it is natural and expected for them to behave that way given their history and circumstances.   Our "right" is "wrong" for a couple reasons. First, we are illogical for thinking they shouldn't be that way. They are the way they are supposed to be because they are, and they can't be any other way right now because they aren't. If we viewed their behavior as understandable and reasonable, then we wouldn't get upset at them. Instead, we would accept them for the way they are right now.   Second, we are wrong for being overly demanding towards them. When we say things like, " You shouldn't _____ " or " You should ______ ", it's often with a demanding or blaming attitude, and that just creates opposition and conflict. Our goal is to improve the situation, but our negative energy just makes it worse.   Recently, my mother's friend told her that for many years, she was very demanding towards her husband and children to learn Buddhism. She mentioned the Zen koan from Venerable Jing Kong and said that although she understands it intellectually, she just can't bring herself to apologize to them.   When I heard about this from my mother, we had a discussion about the matter. I wonder if that friend deeply understood the Zen koan. If she understands the koan and wants to apologize, but she struggles to let go of the ego, then that's understandable. It's hard to change our habits, so we need to take small steps at a time, and we'll get better over time.   But if she thinks she understands the koan and yet doesn't feel the need to apologize, then that's a different problem, and I would question whether or not she truly understands the koan. A surface level understanding would be "Their wrong is right because they are the result of their upbringing and circumstances. My right is wrong because I shouldn't force others to listen to me and I shouldn't get impatient or upset."   But if it's just an intellectual understanding without resonance or agreement from our heart, then we would struggle to practice it. It's like we're forcing ourselves to do something that we don't truly believe in. Deep down, we might think, "OK I get that it's not good to be demanding or impatient. But if I'm not a bit forceful towards them, they wouldn't learn at all, which would be even worse! I'm still partially right in the matter." If we don't feel like we truly wronged them, then of course we wouldn't want to apologize.   There is a Chinese idiom that goes "pulling on sprouts to assist their growth", and it illustrates the harm of being impatient and demanding. Image Source In this analogy, her family member's desire to learn Buddhism is like sprouts. These sprouts just started to grow, and they're quite weak. The sprout needs nurturing, encouragement, joy, and time to grow. But if she is too demanding and impatient, she might pull on the sprouts, causing them to be uprooted and die.   In other words, those sprouts could  have grown into full plants, but her impatience killed them. Rather than blaming the sprouts for being "slow", we should really blame ourselves for being impatient. If we truly feel that we harmed the sprouts and prevented them from growing into a healthy plant, wouldn't we naturally feel sorry?   Also, if we want others to learn Buddhism, we should set a good example by following Buddhism's teachings. A core teaching of Buddhism is karma. Karma states that everything has a cause, and every cause has a result. Why don't family members listen to us? Perhaps the cause is because of our attitude of impatience, high demands, and opposition towards them. After all, the energy of impatience attracts impatience from others; the energy of high demands attracts resistance from others; the energy of opposition attracts opposition from others.   Or perhaps the content we shared with them doesn't feel relevant to them. Or perhaps we're demanding too much of their time. Whatever the reason is, there is definitely a reason. Given that there's definitely a reason, that means we can find the reason and adjust to get the result we want; there's no need to get impatient or upset.   Also, according to karma, what goes around comes around. If others don't listen to us right now, chances are we didn't listen to them in the past. Regardless of what others have done, we have also wronged them in the past, so shouldn't we feel apologetic for that? When we feel like we have wronged others, we naturally wouldn't feel demanding or impatient towards them anymore.   Understanding karma is also empowering and gives us hope for the future. If we want others to be more understanding, cooperative, and patient towards us in the future, then we need to start planting those karmic seeds by treating them that way now. Instead of pressuring them to listen to us, we can start showing genuine, unconditional care for them. When they expect a naggy lecture from us, and we instead give words of affirmation and care, they'll feel surprised and change their impression of us, one little bit at a time. As these good karmic seeds accumulate, they will eventually change the way they view us and thereby treat us.   Conclusion When was the last time you got upset at someone? How might you use this idea of "their wrong is right, and my right is wrong" to change your perspective and behavior? Weekly Wisdom #360

Recently, I started a new semester at a new school, and I've been very busy at work. My mother was worried that I'm too busy and not spending enough time studying Buddhism, and she would say things like "Aren't you getting a bit carried away in your work? Are you spending enough time learning Buddhism? Are you losing sight of what's most important?"   The first couple of times, I simply said "Thanks for your concern" . By the third time, I got annoyed and told her, "I'm trying to be a responsible person and do my best to fulfill my job responsibilities. Isn't that what Buddhism teaches us to do? Everyone' situation is different. You have lots of time to listen to Buddhist lectures all day, so you can do that, but I have a full-time job, and I'm extra busy during the start of the school year. Wouldn't I love to have more free time to study Buddhism or rest? It's not like I'm purposely trying to not listen to Buddhist lectures, I just don't have time right now, and what I need is more understanding rather than pressure."   My mom then apologized. Later, after I calmed down in meditation, I realized that I wasn't serene when I said that, and I should be more careful to inspect that my mind is calm and peaceful before speaking. I also remembered a teaching from my mentor: instead of complaining, make respectful requests. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3   I then told my mother, "I know you have good intentions for me when you said that I'm too busy and that I'm not spending enough time learning Buddhism. Thank you for your good intentions. I have a request. In the future, could you try framing your worry into a positive request instead? For example, you could say, 'Oh you've been so busy recently. Could you please make sure you have at least one rest day over the weekend? Could you listen to a Buddhist lecture with me over the weekend?' Or 'I know you are busy, but would you have 10 minutes of free time a day to listen to Buddhist lectures with me?" This would make me feel much better than hearing a criticism or complaint."   My mother happily accepted my request.   Just to be clear, the point of this article is to urge ourselves to make requests instead of complaining. It is not to demand others to make requests instead of complaining. Complaining is a common bad habit that nearly everyone has, so we need to be tolerant and patient towards others. But if we want to steer relationships towards a better direction, then we need to role model making respectful requests instead of complaining back and forth.   Some people might say, "But I have asked them to change, and they don't listen." In that case, I would ask: did you make a respectful  request, or were you demanding and impatient? No one likes to be pressured, so people naturally try to resist being pressured.   In order for communication to flow smoothly, we need to hold the intention of respect and consideration. We make a request respectfully, and if they say no, we can try to understand their concerns and see if we can resolve them.   For example, if my mother said, "Could you listen to a Buddhist lecture with me for an hour every day?"  and I said, "No, that's too much."  Then my mother shouldn't say, "One hour isn't that much. My friend's kid does it."  That's opposition. She could instead say, "OK, what would be doable for you then?"  That's being understanding and respectful.   Or if I said, "Those lectures are boring,"  She shouldn't say, "They're good for you! You need to listen to them to grow your wisdom!"  That would just create more opposition and conflict. Instead she could say, "I'm sorry if I picked boring lectures for you in the past. I certainly don’t want to bore you. Could you give me a chance to try to find some lectures that you might find more relatable?"  When I feel her respect and consideration, I'd naturally feel grateful and want to cooperate.   Conclusion When was the last time you complained to others about their behavior? How could you change that complaint into a respectful request? Weekly Wisdom #359