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Recently, I started a new semester at a new school, and I've been very busy at work. My mother was worried that I'm too busy and not spending enough time studying Buddhism, and she would say things like "Aren't you getting a bit carried away in your work? Are you spending enough time learning Buddhism? Are you losing sight of what's most important?"   The first couple of times, I simply said "Thanks for your concern" . By the third time, I got annoyed and told her, "I'm trying to be a responsible person and do my best to fulfill my job responsibilities. Isn't that what Buddhism teaches us to do? Everyone' situation is different. You have lots of time to listen to Buddhist lectures all day, so you can do that, but I have a full-time job, and I'm extra busy during the start of the school year. Wouldn't I love to have more free time to study Buddhism or rest? It's not like I'm purposely trying to not listen to Buddhist lectures, I just don't have time right now, and what I need is more understanding rather than pressure."   My mom then apologized. Later, after I calmed down in meditation, I realized that I wasn't serene when I said that, and I should be more careful to inspect that my mind is calm and peaceful before speaking. I also remembered a teaching from my mentor: instead of complaining, make respectful requests. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3   I then told my mother, "I know you have good intentions for me when you said that I'm too busy and that I'm not spending enough time learning Buddhism. Thank you for your good intentions. I have a request. In the future, could you try framing your worry into a positive request instead? For example, you could say, 'Oh you've been so busy recently. Could you please make sure you have at least one rest day over the weekend? Could you listen to a Buddhist lecture with me over the weekend?' Or 'I know you are busy, but would you have 10 minutes of free time a day to listen to Buddhist lectures with me?" This would make me feel much better than hearing a criticism or complaint."   My mother happily accepted my request.   Just to be clear, the point of this article is to urge ourselves to make requests instead of complaining. It is not to demand others to make requests instead of complaining. Complaining is a common bad habit that nearly everyone has, so we need to be tolerant and patient towards others. But if we want to steer relationships towards a better direction, then we need to role model making respectful requests instead of complaining back and forth.   Some people might say, "But I have asked them to change, and they don't listen." In that case, I would ask: did you make a respectful  request, or were you demanding and impatient? No one likes to be pressured, so people naturally try to resist being pressured.   In order for communication to flow smoothly, we need to hold the intention of respect and consideration. We make a request respectfully, and if they say no, we can try to understand their concerns and see if we can resolve them.   For example, if my mother said, "Could you listen to a Buddhist lecture with me for an hour every day?"  and I said, "No, that's too much."  Then my mother shouldn't say, "One hour isn't that much. My friend's kid does it."  That's opposition. She could instead say, "OK, what would be doable for you then?"  That's being understanding and respectful.   Or if I said, "Those lectures are boring,"  She shouldn't say, "They're good for you! You need to listen to them to grow your wisdom!"  That would just create more opposition and conflict. Instead she could say, "I'm sorry if I picked boring lectures for you in the past. I certainly don’t want to bore you. Could you give me a chance to try to find some lectures that you might find more relatable?"  When I feel her respect and consideration, I'd naturally feel grateful and want to cooperate.   Conclusion When was the last time you complained to others about their behavior? How could you change that complaint into a respectful request? Weekly Wisdom #359

Last week, we looked at a story of how Yanzi made his ruler look good . Yanzi has such high cultivation, and history has recorded many of his stories, so I can't help but want to study him more. This week, we'll look at how Yanzi was able to graciously refuse his ruler. Saying no is an important ability because we can't say yes to everything, but saying no in a way that doesn't create awkwardness or conflict is a tough thing, and we can learn from Yanzi.   Once, Yanzi was having his meal when an envoy sent by his ruler, Duke Jing of the State of Qi arrived. Yanzi immediately rose to greet him and invited him to join the meal. Yanzi divided his own food in half to share with the envoy. As a result, neither the envoy nor Yanzi ate to satisfaction.   When the envoy returned, he reported this matter to Duke Jing. Image Source: ChaptGPT The Duke was astonished and sighed: “I never imagined that my own chancellor lives in such poverty. This is my failure as a ruler!”   At once, Duke Jing sent to Yanzi one thousand taels of gold, along with tax revenues collected from the marketplace, so that Yanzi could use them to receive and entertain guests.   (Pause! If you were Yanzi, what would you do? Would you accept the Duke's gifts?)   However, Yanzi firmly refused. The Duke persisted and sent gifts three times, but Yanzi rejected them each time.   When the Duke asked why, Yanzi explained: “I am not poor. With Your Grace’s salary, I already receive blessings enough to support my family, entertain friends, and even help the poor. What you provide me is already more than sufficient.   Moreover, I have heard this: If a minister accepts the ruler’s wealth and then gives it to the people, that is stealing the ruler’s kindness to win the people’s favor. A faithful minister would never do this. If a minister accepts the ruler’s wealth but does not share it with the people, that is hoarding the ruler’s kindness for private gain. A man of righteousness would never do this. If a minister relies on pleasing the ruler to rise in rank, only to be demoted for offending the scholars, and dies leaving his wealth to be seized by others—that is merely guarding treasure for someone else. A wise man would never do this.   At home, I already have enough cloth and grain for daily use. Why would I need to accept so much extra compensation?”   Duke Jing then asked: “But in the past, our former lord Duke Huan granted his minister Guan Zhong five hundred households of land, and Guan Zhong accepted it without refusal. Why then do you decline my gifts again and again?”   (Note: Guan Zhong is a famous and respected minister in history who helped Duke Huan conquer other states and rise to great power)   (Pause! If you were Yanzi, how would you respond?)   Yanzi bowed respectfully and replied: “I have heard: even the wise, when they ponder a thousand times, may sometimes be mistaken; and even the foolish, when they ponder a thousand times, may sometimes be correct. I think that though Guan Zhong was a wise man, there were times when his judgment was not perfect. And though I am dull, perhaps there are times when I can be correct. Perhaps when Guan Zhong accepted such gifts, it was one of his rare errors; and when I refuse them, it may be one of my rare moments of right. That is why I repeatedly decline, and dare not accept.”   Image Source: ChatGPT Hearing this, Duke Jing nodded in understanding. ( Story Source )   Commentary When I first heard this story, the first question that came to my mind was, "If Yanzi has enough wealth, then why didn't he give the envoy more food so that the envoy wouldn't think he's poor and report it to the Duke?"   I'm not Yanzi, so I can't know for sure, but knowing Yanzi to be the sage that he is, I'm sure he has good reasons. My guess is that he wanted to show a frugal example to the envoy. After all, Yanzi holds a very high leadership position in the country, so his role modeling has a wide influence.   If Yanzi lives extravagantly, the people below him would have an excuse to do the same, which means the government would be wasting tax dollars, and the citizens would become unhappy. If Yanzi lives conservatively, then when other people of lower rank hear of the news, they would feel ashamed if they live extravagantly. It's also possible that he wanted to indirectly hint at the Duke to live more conservatively.   Another factor is that the envoy came without prior notice. If Yanzi knew that the envoy was coming, he probably would've prepared enough food for both of them. Since the envoy arrived while he was in the middle of eating his meal, all he could do was invite the envoy to share his meal. If he didn't invite the envoy to stay for the meal, it would be rude. But if he invited the envoy to stay and wait while he prepared more food, that might take too much time, and perhaps the envoy didn't want to trouble Yanzi or stay so long.   Also, the envoy might not have had the intention to say that Yanzi is too poor, he might've just made an off-hand remark to the Duke, but the Duke interpreted his words as "Yanzi is too poor" . Thus, we can see the difficulty of communication and why miscommunication is common.   The First Pause In the first pause, when the Duke sent all those gifts and extra compensation to Yanzi, if I were in Yanzi's shoes, I would feel very grateful to have a ruler that cares so much for me, and of course, I need to do my duty to support him in governing the country and making the people happy. Therefore, I need to set a frugal example, hence why I would refuse the gifts.   But Yanzi's considerations were even more thorough. He explained three situations that may occur if he accepts the money, which would lead to him being either unfaithful, unrighteous, or unwise. I don't know if Yanzi had this intention, but it was a very opportunistic educational moment to help the Duke learn these three standards and use them to judge all his ministers. When the Duke heard Yanzi's response, he could see that Yanzi wasn't being selfish or trying to maintain a "pristine image", but that Yanzi was truly thinking for the benefit of the Duke and the whole country.   The Second Pause In the second pause, when Duke Jing still insisted on giving the gifts, and even brought up a past hero, Guan Zhong, as an example, I was at a loss for how to respond to the Duke. If I say "Guan Zhong has many good points, but perhaps extravagance was one of his not-so-good points,"  it seems like I'm arrogant for criticizing a hero like Guan Zhong, and that might create opposition with those that admire him. Also, the fact that Duke Jing would bring up Guan Zhong's example makes me think that he also believes it's fine for a ruler and high ministers to live a bit more extravagantly, which means I have a duty to help him correct that improper view. But the big question is, how?   Yanzi's response was very admirable. He affirmed that Guan Zhong was a wise man, and he lowered himself by saying that he's a dull person, and that this is a rare instance where the wise man might be wrong and the dull person might be right. In this way, no one would slander Yanzi for being arrogant and thinking he's better than Guan Zhong, and no one would oppose Yanzi or feel pressured to live more frugally because Yanzi said he's a dull person.   Moreover, Duke Huan isn't trying to force Yanzi to accept his gifts. He wants Yanzi to accept it willingly. But hearing Yanzi's words, his innate conscience knew that Yanzi is morally right, and so he'd naturally yield, and he'd probably try to be a bit more frugal in his life too.   I think Yanzi's tactic here is one that we can all use in our lives if someone insists on something and brings up a respected person as an example. If we know it's not appropriate for us, we can say, "There's no doubt that they are wise and admirable, and I am dull, but there's a saying that even the wise, when they ponder a thousand times, might still be mistaken sometimes, and even the dull, when they ponder a thousand times, might be correct sometimes."   Reflecting on myself, recently, I was invited to do volunteer teaching on Sundays. I replied, "I appreciate the offer, but I'm currently too busy."  Looking back, I could've replied more humbly by saying, "I really appreciate the offer and your trust in me, and I truly respect the organization and all the volunteer teachers. I think the work you do is very important and meaningful. Unfortunately, I lack the ability to handle all my current responsibilities well, so I'm really not eligible to think about taking on new responsibilities. But if in the future, I have all my responsibilities under control, and you still want me as a volunteer teacher, I'd be happy to join."   Conclusion We will all encounter situations where others urge us to do something, but we feel it's not appropriate for us. When this happens, can we decline their good intentions graciously? From Yanzi's example, we can see that selflessness (having other people's best intentions in mind) and humility are two keys to a gracious decline. Weekly Wisdom #358

Previously, we looked at how Yanzi humiliated his humiliator  and diffused his ruler's anger . This time, we'll look at how Yanzi made his ruler look good. This might sound like a strange topic, but it's actually very important for our relationships and career success.   Around 2500 years ago, during the Spring and Autumn period of China's history, Duke Jing was the ruler of the State of Qi, and Yanzi was one of his trusted ministers. One time, Duke Jing ordered his citizens to build a grand pavilion for himself. It was the cold winter season, yet he forced the people to work day and night without rest. The people shivered in the frost and grumbled in misery, but no one could do anything to change the Duke's mind.   Image Source: ChaptGPT At that time, Yanzi was away on a mission to the State of Lu. The people all knew Yanzi's remarkable talents and whispered among themselves, “If only Yanzi would return! He is the one man who can persuade the Duke to stop this abuse.”   Not long after, Yanzi came back. Villagers rushed to him, pouring out their complaints, begging him to speak for them.   (Pause! If you were Yanzi, how would you respond to the villagers? After you have your thoughts, continue reading.)   Yanzi listened quietly to the people's complaints, nodded in acknowledgement, then went to see the Duke. The Duke was looking forward to the return of his trusted minister, and organized a banquet to greet him.   (Pause! If you were Yanzi, how would you communicate the people's misery to the Duke? After you have your thoughts, continue reading.)   When Yanzi reported the success of his mission, the Duke was elated. They ate, drank wine, and chatted happily. After a few drinks, he said to the Duke, "If your highness is willing to give me a small reward, could I sing a song?"   The Duke agreed. Yanzi then started passionately singing a sad song: "The common folk bear grief untold, Cold rain beats down, a chill so cold. Alas, what can we do?   By orders above, my family must part, It breaks my home, it breaks my heart. Alas, what can we do?"   At the end of the song, Yanzi's voice was trembling, and he had tears streaming down his face.   The Duke leaned forward, startled. He understood at once. This is about the pavilion!  He gently consoled Yanzi: “Why do you grieve so? It must be because of the construction work. Do not worry—I will order them to be stopped. Let the people go home and reunite with their families!”   Image Source: ChaptGPT (Pause! If you were Yanzi, how would you respond to the Duke? After you have your thoughts, continue reading.)   Yanzi bowed deeply and thanked the Duke. The next morning, he woke up early, left the palace, and went straight to the construction site. There he saw workers resting, their tools laid aside. Suddenly, Yanzi seized a stick and struck them, shouting: “Even a minister like me has a roof over my head! Our magnificent ruler wishes to build a pavilion for himself, yet you people can't work hard? Get on it!"   Yanzi then left. The people were shocked. Anger rose among them. They cursed under their breath: “Yanzi is helping the ruler commit injustice—we were blind to trust him!”   Shortly after, a royal messenger arrived. He read the Duke’s decree aloud: “By order of the Duke—construction of the pavilion shall cease. Everyone may return home to your families.”   The people burst into cheer, their sorrow turned into joy, and everyone praised Duke Jing for his mercy and kindness. Image Source: ChaptGPT Of course, Yanzi's merit couldn't be kept secret forever, and eventually, people knew of the truth, and Yanzi went on to be praised throughout history even until this day.   When Confucius heard the tale, he sighed with admiration: “In ancient times, the best ministers gave all the glory to their ruler, while taking blame upon themselves. In court, they corrected mistakes; outside, they spread the ruler’s virtue. They never claimed achievements for themselves. Perhaps the only person who was able to accomplish this now is none other than Yanzi."   ( Story source )     Commentary When I  first heard this story a couple years ago, I was kind of confused. Remember the three pauses in the story?   In the first pause, I would've told the people, "Don't worry, I'll communicate with the Duke for you."   In the second pause, I would've told the Duke, "Your majesty, I discovered that the people are complaining a lot about building the pavilion in the cold of winter. Perhaps we should do something to preserve the people's trust?"   In the third pause, when the Duke agreed to cancel the construction, I would've told the people, "Great news! The Duke has agreed to cancel the construction work! You can all go home!"   What's wrong with my way of thinking? Isn't this how most people would think? Why did Yanzi do what he did?   Indeed, many people would think the way I did, but Yanzi is an expert on etiquette and self-cultivation, so his behavior is worthy of study.   Remember that Yanzi's role is a minister. He has a leader above him: the Duke. If he makes the people oppose the Duke, that is against morality because his leader takes good care of him, and as a minister, his natural duty should be to help his leader succeed. Some people might argue that morality is impractical and leads to being taken advantage of. But if we study history and look at things from a long time horizon, moral behavior brings true, long-term benefit, while immoral acts eventually bring disaster. For example, if the Duke senses that Yanzi is creating opposition between him and his people, he might feel threatened and order for Yanzi to be assassinated.   In history, there are many records of wicked people seizing the throne by force through immoral ways and succeeding in the short-term. However, when others see how they seized the throne, the people will be unhappy and may revolt shortly after, or more wicked people will try to seize the throne, so that person often dies a terrible death.   The First Pause Back to the story. In the first pause, the people are already upset at the Duke. If Yanzi says, "Outrageous! I will communicate with the Duke for you,"  then he would be deepening the opposition between the people and the Duke. If the Duke hears of this, he might start to doubt Yanzi's trustworthiness and support, and that could be the start of a downward spiral. But Yanzi's goal is to help his ruler succeed, so he didn't say anything that might imply that he agrees that the Duke is wrong.   Here, we should reflect on ourselves. When we hear someone talking about the faults or problems of others, especially our leaders, do we chime in and say, "Wow that's outrageous! I can't believe they would do that!"  If so, we are helping to create a divide between those two people. What goes around comes around, so if we want to protect ourselves, we should be planting seeds of harmony, not seeds of opposition. We could say, "Oh that sounds tough for you. But I also wonder what their side of the story is. They might have their own difficulties and reasons for doing what they did."  Or if we are at a loss for words, we could simply not comment, change the topic, or make an excuse to leave.   The Second Pause In the second pause, Yanzi was about to meet the Duke and advise him to stop the construction. There isn't one correct way to advise the Duke, but Yanzi's method was extremely tactful. He first reported the good news to make his ruler happy. Then they drank some wine, so his ruler would be relaxed and he could pretend to be a little bit drunk. Then he asked for permission to sing a song as a reward for his good work. The Duke was, of course, happy to grant his wish.   Then in the song, he sang about the suffering of the people due to the construction work. If the Duke got unhappy, Yanzi could make the excuse that he's a bit drunk and doesn't know what he's doing. But if the Duke had some intelligence, he would understand Yanzi's hidden message. This indirect way of communicating also protects the Duke's good image because Yanzi never directly criticized the Duke. Instead, he cries about a situation via a song, and the Duke can be the hero by saying, "I will cancel the construction work!"   If Yanzi had directly said, "Your highness, the people are quite upset at doing construction work in the cold of winter. I say we cancel it,"  the Duke might feel attacked, as if hearing, " Your highness, you caused the people to be unhappy. What's wrong with you. You need to listen to me to solve this problem." If the Duke feels threatened by a minister, then that minister is in danger.   Here, we should also reflect on ourselves. When we advise others, are we tactful? If so, others would be willing to accept our advice, or at the very least, not feel offended if they don't accept our advice. If our advice giving lacks tact, then others might get upset and distance away from us. Advising others is a big topic in itself, and I previously wrote a detailed post on it: Rules for Effective Criticism .   One very important principle is to be humble, especially when the person you are advising is of higher or equal position to you. For example, we don't say, "You should do X."  Instead, we can say, "I have some suggestions to report, but since my perspective and understanding of the situation is limited, these suggestions are just for your consideration and confirmation."   Notice how the first method creates an attitude of opposition, as if what they are doing is wrong, and what you are saying is right. If they get upset, then logic gets thrown out the door, and conflict arises between egos. The second method is very humble and puts yourself below them, so there's no conflict. Moreover, if the suggestion is a good suggestion, you can give the credit to them because they confirmed your idea and decided to implement it. That brings us to the third pause.   The Third Pause Why did Yanzi suddenly become a villain and scold the people to work harder? Because the people felt that Duke Jing is the villain, and Yanzi wanted them to view Duke Jing as the hero. That's why he started to "abuse" the people, so that he could become the new "villain", and Duke Jing could get the glory of "saving the people".   On the other hand, imagine if Yanzi had said, "Good news everyone! I communicated with the Duke on your behalf, and the Duke agreed to let you guys return home!"  What would happen? Everyone would praise Yanzi. Some people might even start spreading rumors that Yanzi is fit to be the ruler, while Duke Jing is not. If the Duke hears about this, he might feel threatened by Yanzi, and that would be dangerous.   This reminds me of a quote by the Daoist sage Lao Zi: "I have three treasures that I constantly hold firmly to: first is compassion, second is frugality, and third is not being at the head of the world."   Most people like glory. They think it's good to be at the head of the world. But those with glory are in the spotlight, and those in the spotlight will often attract jealousy and danger. A big tree is cut down for its timber, while a small tree is left alone and safe. Moreover, our success is highly dependent on our relationships. When we give glory to others, others will be happy and will want to work with us more. If we take glory and make them look bad, they won't want to work with us in the future. Thus, giving glory to others is the wise thing to do because it brings us long-term benefit.   We can reflect on ourselves: Do we often try to take glory and make ourselves look good? Do we try hard enough to give others glory and make others look good?   For example, a friend of mine recently told me that she started working at a new company, and her manager asked her for some suggestions. She then gave a suggestion for the company. Her manager thought it was a good idea and reported it to a higher-leveled manager. The higher-level manager didn't like the idea. Later, the company hired an external consulting firm, and they gave the same suggestion as my friend. The higher-level manager then seemed to treat my friend even more coldly.   This is an example of the importance of etiquette and relationship politics. Just because we have good ideas doesn't mean we will naturally win people's support. We have to know how to communicate and navigate relationships tactfully.   If my friend had used the method of "reporting some ideas for your consideration and confirmation", then the upper manager might not have felt threatened or challenged by a new employee, and that conflict could've been prevented. If people later praise my friend for her great judgment, she could say, "Actually it was just a guess from me. It's my manager who had the experience and vision to see the true merits of this idea and execute it."   Along the same line of reasoning, if we want to start a new initiative at work, we can first propose it to the leader and ask if it's a good idea. After all, the leader has a higher and broader view of the situation than us, so they might see perspectives and details that we can't. If the leader agrees and the idea is successful, then we can direct the glory to them. If it turns out to be a bad idea, then the leader can share the responsibility with us and allocate resources to help us mend the situation.   Concluding Thoughts Do you help others create harmony or opposition? How tactful are you in giving criticism and advice? Do you unconsciously seek glory, or do you consciously remember to give glory and take blame? Weekly Wisdom #357

There's a proverb that goes, "It takes two to argue."   Put in another way, one person can start an argument, but it takes two to keep that argument going. This is useful advice for whenever we get upset at someone and argue with them. Image Source   Recently, I've been teaching summer school to kids around 10 years old, and an incident reminded me of this proverb. One student named Albert came into class late and saw two plastic water bottles on his table. He said, "These aren't mine,"  and then put one water bottle on his neighbor Leon's desk. Leon replied, "This isn't mine either,"  and put it back on Albert's desk. Albert then put the water bottle back on Leon's desk, and they started fighting. I was talking to the class at the time, and when I saw them suddenly making a commotion out of nowhere, I stopped the class and asked them what's wrong.   Albert told me "There are two water bottles here on my desk, but none of them are mine, so I put one on Leon's desk."  Leon said, "They're not mine either, so I put it back on his desk, and then he kept trying to put one back on my desk."   I said, "OK everyone, this is a great chance to practice conflict resolution. We'll all encounter weird problems and unexpected misunderstandings in life, so we need to know how to handle them. Firstly, it's important to keep calm and understand the other person's perspective. So Albert, if these are not your water bottles, why did you want to put one on Leon's desk? Did you ask him if it's his?"   Albert said, "No. I just don't think I should have two water bottles on my desk when they're not even mine, so I put one on Leon's desk."   Leon said, "What kind of logic is that!"   I said, "OK Leon, you're very logical, then why would you keep putting the water bottle back on Albert's desk? Leon, Albert, do you think there's a better way to handle the situation?"   They remained silent.   I said, "If it's not your water bottles and none of you want them on your desk, why don't you just raise your hand and tell the teacher? The teacher can take the water bottles away. Or just put it in your desk for now, and during break time, you can throw them out."   They said, "Oh."   I said, "Remember, if you get into a conflict with someone, you're the same level of maturity and intelligence as them. If even one person is calm enough and wise enough, a conflict cannot happen. We shouldn't hope for others to be the mature one, so our best bet is to be that mature person ourselves. So when we encounter conflict, it's important to keep calm and focus on solving the problem as opposed to trying to defeat the other person."   Although we might chuckle at the kids for being so immature, the truth of the matter is, we adults are often not mature enough either. For example, if someone misunderstands us and criticizes us unfairly, do the flames of anger flair up in us? Do we think, "How dare they! That’s so unfair!"  Or do we think, "Hmm I wonder what I did to make them misunderstand me? Well, he can try to have conflict with me, but I'm not going to have conflict with him."   Another time in class, I was waiting to start class, but many kids were talking loudly. I then said, "If you keep talking, I will ask you to leave the class."  Then some students said, "Oh me! I want to leave the class!" I then felt a flair of anger and said, "Out. Now."   I later reflected, that was quite dumb of me. Why did I do that? It's because I got angry and impatient towards the kids, and that negative emotion blocked my wisdom. I was subconsciously thinking, "You rude and entitled brats! If you don't appreciate being in my class, then leave." But getting them to leave helps no one, and it's actually my job to keep them in my class and teach them, so I had to go out, talk to them, and get them to come back in.   If I were more calm and wise, I could've brought out some treats and said, "Wow I see this student is sitting very quietly waiting for class to begin. Such a good role model! Here's a treat for you."  If there are still students talking loudly, I could say, "Oh I hear this student is still being loud and not listening to the teacher. I guess I will deduct their hard-earned points then. What a shame." The point is, there are much more effective solutions than getting angry and making them leave the classroom, but I have to have the cultivation to remain calm in order to think of such solutions.   Concluding Thoughts When was the last time you had a conflict with someone? How could you have handled it differently to prevent or diffuse the conflict? Weekly Wisdom #356

Last week, we looked at the story of how Yanzi humiliated his humiliator. This week, we have another story about Yanzi's wisdom.   During the Spring and Autumn period of China's history (around 2500 years ago), Duke Jing of the State of Qi loved horses very much. He spared no effort to collect famous steeds from all around, and whenever he had leisure time, he would stroll through his stables, admiring his prized animals.   One day, an envoy from the State of Qin came bearing a magnificent gift—a rare horse. The moment Duke Jing saw it, he was utterly captivated. The horse was snow-white from head to hoof. The envoy explained, “Our King of Qin purchased this horse from the western Rong tribes and now presents it to Your Grace as a token of friendship between our two states.”   Image Source Overjoyed, Duke Jing rewarded the envoy richly and appointed a stableman to care for this precious horse.   Before long, tragedy struck. The stableman's father passed away, and the stableman rushed home for the funeral. In his haste, he forgot to arrange for someone else to feed the horse. Three days later, when he hurried back to the palace, he found the horse weak and starving. Panicked, he quickly brought fine rice to feed it. The famished horse devoured the food greedily—but in overeating, it ruptured its intestines and died.   The stableman was terrified and reported the matter immediately.   At that time, Duke Jing happened to be in a good mood. He had just resolved several difficult state affairs, and his Chancellor, Yanzi, had returned from a successful diplomatic mission  to the State of Chu with remarkable results. Feeling at ease, the Duke decided to visit his beloved stallion—only to receive the shocking news of its death. His joy turned instantly into fury. Enraged, he ordered the stableman to be imprisoned, declaring that three days later, at the horse’s funeral, the stableman would be executed by dismemberment, and his limbs would be an offering to the dead steed.   The news spread quickly, and the court was in turmoil. The ministers wanted to intervene but dared not. After all, this was the Duke’s most beloved horse, and it had died through the stableman’s neglect. Yet if they stayed silent, it would appear as though their ruler valued a horse above human life, tarnishing the reputation of the State of Qi.   (So if you were minister and advisor to the Duke, what would you do?)   In their anxiety, the ministers turned to Chancellor Yanzi, begging him to dissuade the Duke. Yanzi had just returned from the State of Chu, where he had already shown extraordinary wit and completed his mission with great success.   Now back in the State of Qi, he faced the crisis of the condemned stableman. But when the officials urged him to intervene, Yanzi merely told them, “Go and attend to the great affairs of the state. Do not trouble yourselves over this small matter.”  They left, puzzled and uneasy.   Three days later, the Duke held a grand funeral for the horse. The stableman, bound hand and foot, was brought forth. The executioner stood ready, awaiting only the Duke’s command to dismember him.   At the sight of the stableman, Duke Jing’s face darkened with anger once again. He gave the order to proceed.   At that moment, Yanzi calmly said, “Wait. There is no need to rush.”   Everyone froze. Even the Duke was startled, uncertain of Yanzi’s intent.   Yanzi turned respectfully to the Duke and said, “When one dismembers a man, there must be proper procedure. I wish to ask Your Grace—when the sage-kings Yao and Shun dismembered men, from which part of the body did they begin?”   The Duke was struck as if by lightning. Of course, Yao and Shun—the most benevolent rulers of the past—would never have done such a thing. Suddenly aware of his folly, he replied,  “Yao and Shun never dismembered men. Alright, spare him his life. Let him be imprisoned instead.”   Yanzi then said, “My lord, look at him—he does not even seem to understand his crimes. How about I explain them one by one so that he may accept his punishment with clarity?"   The Duke nodded. “Very well. Let him recognize his crimes.”   Yanzi turned to the trembling stableman and said: “Don't you know, you have committed three offenses. First, the Duke entrusted you with his horse, yet you allowed it to die—this is your first crime. Do you acknowledge this?"   The stableman, still trembling in fear, nodded earnestly.   Yanzi continued, "Second, the horse you let die was His Grace’s most treasured horse. This is your second crime. Do you admit guilt?"   The stableman nodded vigorously.   Yanzi then said, "Third, because of your negligence, the Duke has ordered for a man to be executed over a horse. As a result, our citizens would call our ruler cruel, and other Dukes would look down on our Duke and state for valuing a horse over human life. So you see, because of your negligence, you caused upheaval among our citizens and ruined our state's reputation. This is your third crime. Do you admit your guilt?"   Image Source: ChatGPT The stableman, shaking all over, could only nod in silence, but around him, many ministers were trying to cover their smiles.   Duke Jing sighed heavily and said, “Yanzi… release him. Let him go. Do not let this stain my benevolent reputation.”   Thus the stableman was pardoned and set free.   (Story translated from here )   Commentary I am utterly impressed with Yanzi's wisdom. If I were in that situation, I wouldn't have been able to think of such a wise solution. Why?   One major reason is that wisdom comes from a tranquil mind, and emotions disturb tranquility. If I were a minister in that situation, I would probably feel flustered and afraid. On the one hand, I feel like I have a moral duty to advise the Duke against killing the stableman, but on the other hand, I'm also afraid of angering the Duke and endangering my own life. As a result of these emotions of uncertainty and fear, my mind becomes agitated, and my wisdom gets blocked.   Yanzi, on the other hand, was able to maintain his cool, and in his state of calm, he was able to think of a clever solution. So my first major learning from this story is that we have to practice being calm in difficult situations. Moreover, if we want to have the ability to stay calm in difficult situations, we need to practice staying calm in normal situations. After all, if someone is easily flustered and agitated by the normal situations of daily life, how could they remain calm in crises?   Second, when we advise someone against something, it's usually not a good idea to oppose them and tell them they cannot do it. That would be analogous to building a dam to block a flood; if the dam isn't strong enough, it gets destroyed by the flood. Yanzi accorded with the Duke's anger and channeled the flood (of anger) in a different direction, and as it flowed, it got weaker and weaker, until the Duke eventually realized his own folly without being directly told.   This reminds me of a Chinese saying that goes, "Speak in accordance with human sentiment."   In other words, we don't just say whatever we want to say. We have to imagine how others would feel when they hear our words, and we try to speak in a way that accords with their feelings or in a way that can win their hearts. This also matches the Daoist idea of being like water instead of rock, and going with other's flow  and redirecting the flow tactfully rather than opposing their flow like rock.   So Yanzi didn't say to Duke Jing, "Are you crazy? How could you value a horse over a man!" Let's be real, most people were probably thinking that, and most people have the emotional intelligence to not say it so bluntly to the angry Duke. But only Yanzi had the emotional acuity to make the Duke realize his folly without angering him further.   When we see such a great role model like Yanzi, we should try to emulate his spirit and apply it to situations in our own lives. For example, recently, I'm teaching at a two-week summer camp, and some kids have bad behavior. I told a kid to not do something, and he opposed me and wouldn't listen. Later, I called the principal over, and the kid finally yielded but cried. I think this is an example of rock against rock; the stronger rock wins, but the weaker rock gets hurt and holds resentment.   Later, another teacher told me, "Don't tell students 'you can't do that.' Instead, say, "please do this instead.' This way, you don't have that energy of opposition."   Indeed, as soon as we oppose others, there's going to be conflict, and it's going to be an irrational battle of who's most stubborn or powerful rather than what's the most logical solution here.   I also decided to implement a rewards and punishment system to manage my students better. I first tell kids the good behavior that I'm looking for, and I reward them points for it, and they can trade in points for rewards. I also tell them bad behavior, explain why it's bad, and that I'll take away points if they repeatedly do bad behavior. I can also add to the list as I go along. The prizes are things that the kids like, so this method really accorded with them.   I then praised them a lot for good behavior and rewarded points generously at the beginning, so the kids gained more confidence in themselves and started having a better relationship with me. I realized that troublemaker kids have nothing against me personally, they just have trouble managing their emotions sometimes, and it might be because of trouble at home, and also because no one taught them how to manage emotions or communicate their needs in a respectful way. Ultimately, everyone wants to be a good person and to be liked by others, so we should praise their goodness and encourage them more. This accords with human sentiment and wins their hearts.   Conclusion How good are you at maintaining your calm? Do your words accord with human sentiment? Weekly Wisdom #355

Around 2500 years ago in ancient China, Yanzi (晏子) was a minister in the State of Qi. One time he went as an envoy to the State of Chu. Both states were major states at the time, and the King of Chu wanted to humiliate Yanzi as a way to humiliate the State of Qi.   He knew that Yanzi was rather short, so he told the gatekeepers to tell Yanzi to enter through the small door instead of the main gates. When Yanzi arrived at the gates, the gatekeeper said, "Our king said you can use the small door."   Yanzi replied,  "This door is for dogs. If I'm visiting a dog state, it makes sense for me to enter through the dog door. But I'm visiting the State of Qi, right?"   Image Source The gatekeeper was speechless and had no choice but to open the main gates for him.   When he arrived at the king's chambers, the king said, "Does the State of Qi have no people, that they would send you as an envoy?"   Yanzi replied, “In Linzi, the capital of Qi, there are three hundred districts. If the people raise their sleeves, they can block out the sun. If they shake off their sweat, it falls like rain. If they stand shoulder to shoulder, their heels touch one another. How could there be no people?”   The king asked, "Then why did they send only you?"   Yanzi replied, “In Qi, the choice of envoys is always deliberate. The virtuous are sent to virtuous rulers; the unworthy are sent to unworthy rulers. Which one do you think I am?”   The king then laughed and said, "Alright, enough talk. Let's have some wine."   Shortly after, two soldiers brought in a man bound with ropes. The king asked, "What has this man done?"   The soldiers replied, "He is from the State of Qi, and his crime is theft."   The king looked at Yanzi and said, "Do all the people in Qi like to steal?"   Yanzi replied, "I have heard that when orange trees grow south of the Huai River, they bear sweet oranges. When they grow north of the Huai River, they become bitter oranges. Though the leaves look the same, the fruit tastes different. Why is this so? Because the water and soil are different. Likewise, the people of Qi, when living in Qi, do not steal, but when they come to Chu, they commit theft. Could it be that the water and soil of Chu cause people to become thieves?”   The King of Chu laughed and said, “A sage truly cannot be mocked. I originally wanted to humiliate you, but instead I have brought humiliation upon myself."   Image Source   Commentary   Mencius said, "A person humiliates himself before others can humiliate him. A family destroys itself before others can destroy it. A nation attacks itself before others can attack it."    Yanzi was indeed a very wise and witty person to be able to counter all of those traps set by the King of Chu, but if the King of Chu didn't humiliate himself first, Yanzi would've never been able to humiliate him back. What does this mean?   The King of Chu stooped low to set up these traps for Yanzi. Doing such rude and immoral things is a form self-humiliation, and his rude behavior has been recorded and read by countless people in history books.   Since Yanzi was very wise, he was able to turn all those traps against the King of Chu. If the King of Chu had respected Yanzi instead, Yanzi would have no way of humiliating the King of Chu (nor would he want to).   Some people might argue, "Well, Yanzi is a rare, gifted person. If he were a normal person, he would've been humiliated by the King of Chu, and the King of Chu would've had the last laugh."   But is that true? If Yanzi wasn't wise and actually got humiliated, the State of Qi probably would've gotten angry and plotted revenge. That would be a case of "A nation attacks itself before others can attack it."   So from this story, we see the importance of treating others the way we want to be treated. When we treat others a certain way, whether respectfully or disrespectfully, we plant the karmic seed for them to treat us back the same way in the future, and when the conditions ripen, we will receive the corresponding results.   For example, I noticed how Yanzi was very considerate and respectful in his counter-attacks. He didn't say, "Sure, I'll enter through the dog gate because I guess I'm visiting a state of dogs". Instead, he said, "I'm visiting the State of Chu (not a state of dogs), right?"   He also said, "Could it be that the water and soil of Chu cause people to become thieves?" rather than  "It must be because the environment in Chu made good people from Qi become thieves."   I have heard two versions of the story, one where Yanzi said "I am most unworthy, so I've been sent to the State of Chu,"  and the other version is "Which one do you think I am?"  I opted for the second version because I think it's more in alignment with Yanzi's spirit in the other two situation.   From this, we can see that Yanzi has no hostility against the State of Chu, he's only protecting his own state's image (which is his duty) while also trying to teach the State of Chu a lesson in a respectful and indirect manner. If he had offended the King of Chu, then that might cause a war. But by being respectful towards the King of Chu, especially despite being treated with disrespect, Yanzi planted the seeds for being treated with respect back. After three rounds, the King of Chu changed his mind and respected Yanzi and the State of Qi.   As Mencius said, "Those who love others will always be loved by others. Those who respect others will always be respected by others." Weekly Wisdom #354

Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 This past week, I went out with my mother to the mall to run some errands. Before going out, I went through the shoe closet to look through all my shoes because I wanted to pick a pair to leave at my workplace. My mom hadn't come to the door yet, so I was trying on various shoes and deciding which one to pick.   When my mother came down, she said, "Oh did I keep you waiting? Sorry about that."   I said, "No it's fine. I'm just trying on shoes to pick one to leave at my workplace. I think I'll bring this one."   Later when we arrived at the mall, we realized we forgot something at home. My mom said, "If you didn't rush me, I wouldn't have forgotten to bring it."   I was quite speechless because I didn't feel like I rushed her at all. I said, "I rushed you?"   She said, "Yeah, when I came downstairs, you already had your shoes on."   I said, "Like I said earlier, I was just trying on shoes to pick one for work. But I'm sorry if you felt rushed. I'm equally careless to have forgotten the thing."   Later, after we returned home, I decided to talk to my mom about this problem because it's a shared problem that we both have to overcome. I said: "We both learn Buddhism, and the Law of Cause and Effect teaches us that our feelings are the result, outside events are conditions, and our own mind is the cause. So you can't actually blame me for your feelings of being rushed, especially when I already told you I was just trying on shoes, and I didn't have an impatient look or tone of voice.   I bring this up because it's a big problem. I remember when I was in Malaysia before, I was practicing driving (they drive on the opposite lane compared to North America, so I had to practice). On the road, people were driving quite fast, and I felt really pressured that the car behind me would think I'm driving too slowly. As a result, I got nervous, lost focus, and hit something. So feeling pressured by others is a big problem, and it literally led to me damaging a car.   This time it's forgetting something at home. Next time it's doing something we don't want to do and feeling resentful. Another time it could be crashing a car. But the root cause is our own mind. Others can't force us to feel anything. We have to let go of the fear of being criticized or judged by others. We need to know what's right and appropriate and affirm ourselves. We have to practice being calm in daily life. I'm not saying it's easy, but we have to recognize the root of the problem and work on it to prevent bigger trouble in the future.   Now when I drive, I make sure I abide by the speed limit. I still sometimes encounter drivers who will speed up behind me, switch lanes, rush ahead, then switch back to be in front of me. Or I'll just be driving at the speed limit, but the cars beside me are clearly driving faster. Regardless, I don't let myself feel pressured by them. I know I'm in the right, and if they think I'm dumb for following the speed limit, then so be it. Their opinions aren't worth my thought."   My mother agreed with me, and we will both continue to work on it. I share this story because I think feeling pressured by others is a common thing, and I hope others don't have to hit a car to learn this lesson like I did. Moreover, when it comes to cultivation, there is no small or big matter. Everything is a matter of the mind, which means everything is an important matter that deserves attention and reflection. Weekly Wisdom #353

It seems like people are always trying to add happiness to their lives. Or more specifically, trying to add things into their lives to gain happiness. Perhaps it's adding money, objects, experiences, people, or people's approval. But these things only bring temporary and conditional pleasure, not to mention the anxiety and fear of not being able to obtain these things, or the fear of losing them in the future. I think what we really want is a long-lasting and unconditional sense of happiness, freedom, and peace. The thing is, we don't actually "gain" these; rather, we recover them. You see, we were originally happy, free, and at peace. It was only after we added something unnecessary that we became unhappy. What is that "something"? The Buddha put it very clearly and simply: "The root of suffering is attachment." It's only after we added attachments to our mind that we started feeling chained, heavy, and stressed. Therefore, the key to happiness, freedom, and peace is not to add more to our lives, but rather to let go of the attachments in our mind. This is something anyone can do. It does not require money, power, or talent. I sure wish I had known about this earlier in my life…That would've prevented so much unnecessary suffering! What Is Attachment? Imagine clenching on to something tightly and not letting it loose from your grip. Do you feel happy, relaxed, and at ease? Attachment is when we clench tightly to something in our mind and refuse to let go. The result? We feel uptight, stressed, and anxious. We become stubborn, self-centered, and irrational. Spiritual teacher Anthony de Mello gives an easy-to-understand explanation. He explains that people have two kinds of desires. Some desires, we would be happy to have, but if we don't obtain them, we won't fret. Then there are other desires where if we don't get them, we become unhappy. That's an attachment. For example, I once heard someone say, "I can't live without diet soda. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm basically a bottle of diet soda." While we might laugh at this example, we probably all have our own version of diet soda in our lives. By the way, aversion and attachment are two sides of the same coin. Attachment is "I want this. If I don't get it, I will be unhappy." Aversion is "I don't want this. If you give that to me, I will be unhappy." For example, I heard a famous author say, "I can't bear to read negative comments about me or my books, so I don't read the reviews." That's an attachment to her good reputation and self-image in front of others, or an aversion to a bad reputation. Another way to think of attachment is a strong demand towards people, objects, or matters. When we demand people or things to be a certain way, we will be upset if they don't fulfill our demands. Put in harsher terms, attachment makes people control freaks: they want to control or possess people are things, so when things aren't in their control, they're upset. What is Detachment? Whereas attachment is tightly clenching onto things in our mind, detachment is loosening that grip. You can still hold it if necessary, or you can let it go if not. Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3 Whereas attachment is "I can't be happy without that", detachment is "my happiness does not depend on that." Whereas attachment is a strong demand towards people or things, detachment is peace with the way things are, which by the way, doesn't conflict with wanting things to change. We can still have desires, wishes, goals, and ambitions, but at the same time, we remain rational and adaptable; that would not be an attachment. Again, attachments make people stubborn, self-centered, and irrational. For example, a person who is detached from diet soda can still enjoy diet soda, but she won't crave it like an addict or feel bad if she cannot get it. A person who is detached from maintaining a good image in front of others might still prefer to leave a good impression on others rather than a bad one, and he would still try to do so, but he wouldn't feel terrible if others criticize his faults. An important point of clarification to make is that detachment refers to letting go of our attachment, which is inside our mind, not the external matter. Some people misunderstand and think that detachment from our loved ones means not caring about them, or detachment from our aspirations means not having aspirations. That would be a tragic misunderstanding. We can love and hold onto others without clenching (attaching). Imagine a family member who is overbearing and very controlling. They make lots of demands towards you, and they justify themselves by saying "It's because I love you". Do you feel loved? Don't you wish they would ease up and give you more understanding and space? Thus, we can see that clenching (attachment) impedes love. Similarly, we can have aspirations without clenching (attaching). We work towards an inspiring goal or purpose, but at the same time, we shouldn't be too uptight about it. For example, if an athlete wants to performance his best and win gold, that's fine and good. But if he's overly attached to his reputation, he'll be extremely anxious, which will reduce his performance. On the other hand, if he's not attached, he can truly focus on doing his best, and he'll be more likely to achieve his goal. Hence, we can see that attachment impedes performance. Practicing Detachment Now that we understand the ideas of attachment and detachment, the big question is, how can we practice detachment? Well, there isn't one standard answer, but I'll share five methods I've learned and practiced from ancient philosophies like Buddhism and Stoicism: See the truth Control the controllables and let go of the rest Embrace reality Practice selflessness Understand karma and accord with the conditions 1: See the truth Buddhism teaches that when we see the truth of things, we will naturally let go of our attachments. There are four important truths to see: The true culprit for our suffering is our attachment (or clenching or demands), not other people or external matters. Our attachment is based on a false and incorrect belief that without it, we would be unhappy. Everything is impermanent and always changing, so attaching to them (desiring to control or possess them) is futile. We have the power and choice to let go of our attachments. Firstly, most people believe that their problems lie in other people or the outside world. If only that person would change…if only things would go my way…then I'd be happy. Or they think it's that person who makes me angry, or that matter that scares me, or that thing that upsets me. We can ask ourselves, "Is it really true that another person can force me to be upset? If someone else with greater tolerance and detachment were in my shoes, would they get upset?" Thus, it's not the outside that's making us upset, it's our attachment and demands towards the outside world that's making us upset. Secondly, our attachment tells us that if our demands are not met, we would be unhappy. For example, if they don't change, I won't be happy, or if I don't get the thing I want, I won't be happy. We can ask ourselves, "Is it really true that my happiness depends on outside factors? Wasn't I happy before I met that person? Wasn't I fine before I desired that thing? Aren't there people who are happy without those things?" Most things aren't actually that big of a deal, but when we have an attachment, we magnify its importance in our mind. When we loosen that grip, we'll be much more relaxed and at ease. Thirdly, when we are attached to something, we wish to hold onto it, possess it, and control it. The thing is, everything is impermanent and always changing. There is no way to make something stay the same forever, and if we are attached, we'll be unhappy when things inevitably change. In the Diamond Sutra, the Buddha said, "All conditioned phenomena are like dreams, illusions, bubbles, and shadows; like dew, and like lightning; and should be viewed as such." Think of something you really loved in your childhood. Do you still love it the same way now? What happened to that feeling? It's different now, it's gone, like a dream. Think of a time you were extremely upset at something. What happened to that feeling and matter? It's past, like lightning, like a popped bubble. Since everything is impermanent, if something is the way we want it right now, it won't stay that way forever, so don't get attached. If something isn't the way we want, it also won't stay that way forever, so don't make a big fuss about it. To be clear, detachment doesn't mean we become apathetic or irresponsible towards life. Rather, detachment allows us to enjoy and live in the present moment without fear of change. As Buddhist Master Venerable Jing Kong said, "Everything is lent to us to use, to enjoy, to appreciate. We don't need to attach. Not attaching means our mind does not want to control or possess anything. This way, we will become free and at ease." Finally, we have to realize that we have the power and choice to let go of our attachments, but it often takes effort. Sometimes, it seems like we can't control ourselves from being attached. Why? Because attachments are like habits, and the stronger the habit, the harder it is to change. For example, someone who habitually slouches certainly has the power and choice to correct his posture, but during the process, he often unconsciously reverts back to slouching. It takes persistent practice to change a habit. Similarly, even if we want to practice detachment, we often find ourselves attaching and clenching again before we even realize it. The stronger the habit, the harder it is to change, but it's still definitely possible. We just have to keep practicing to strengthen our detachment "muscle". That means practicing shifting our way of thinking, our attitude, and our thoughts. For example, when we find ourselves blaming the outside world or people again, we have to remind ourselves that the problem is not them, it's our attachment. Or when we think "I would be so unhappy if…", we have to remind ourselves, "Actually, I was happy before without it…lots of people are fine without it…" Or when we find ourselves wanting things to stay the same, or unhappy at the way things are, we can remind ourselves that everything is impermanent and will definitely change. The remaining methods below are more ways to practice shifting our way of thinking. 2: Control the controllables and let go of the rest Stoic philosopher Epictetus said, "When I see an anxious person, I ask myself, what do they want? For if a person wasn't wanting something outside of their own control, why would they be stricken by anxiety?" The reason attachments cause suffering is that we have strong demands towards things that we cannot control, and when these things don't accord with our demands, we become unhappy. Although most things are out of our control, some things are actually within our control. What's not in our control? Other people. The outside world, matters, and objects. Results. What is in our control? Ourselves. Our actions. Our thoughts. Our effort. Our preparation. The interesting thing is, when we forcefully try to change the outside, we encounter resistance, and we often lack the necessary power. But when we change ourselves, we change the way the world and other people respond to us, which means we've indirectly changed the world and other people. There are many core teachings in Stoicism, but if I had to pick just one, I would say this: "Know what's in your control, focus on the controllables, then do your best, and let go of the rest." While attachments are endless, we can categorize them into three broad categories: people, matters, and objects. First is people. If we have demands towards other people to be different, we first ask ourselves, what's in our control? We cannot control them, but we can control ourselves. Rather than demanding them to change, how can I adapt myself such that I don't need them to change anymore? How is my behavior contributing to the way they treat me? Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius gave a few examples: "Try praying differently, and see what happens: Instead of asking for 'a way to sleep with her,' try asking for 'a way to stop desiring to sleep with her.' Instead of 'a way to get rid of him,' try asking for 'a way to not crave his demise.' Instead of 'a way to not lose my child,' try asking for 'a way to lose my fear of it.'" Second is matters. If I get upset because I'm stuck in traffic (a matter), I need to realize that I cannot change the situation, so there's no point in being upset about it. Instead, I can find a way to make good use of the situation I'm in, such as listening to podcasts or audiobooks that I enjoy. I can also look for ways to adjust the time I go on the highway in the future. Or I can consider other modes of transportation, such as the metro or carpooling. If I am anxious about an upcoming interview (a matter), I need to remember that the result is not within my control. There are so many uncontrollable factors at play, such as the applicant pool, the interviewer's mood, the questions asked, etc. Don't dwell on these things. Instead, focus on what is within my control: my preparation and finding backup options. After the interview, whatever the result, as long as I can say, "I did my best", then that's enough. Third is objects. If I am upset because an item I treasure got broken or lost, I can feel bad for a while, but I shouldn't dwell on it forever. Being sad isn't going to bring it back. I can find a replacement if possible and focus on what I still do have and be grateful for that. As Stoic philosopher Seneca said, "No person has the power to have everything they want, but it is in their power to not want what they don't have, and to cheerfully put to good use what they do have." The thing with attachments is that we tend to focus on them, magnify them, and sink into them. So if we find ourselves constantly stressing or dwelling on something, we need to ask ourselves, "Is this in my control? What can I do that's in my control that can help the situation?" 3: Embrace reality The method of "focusing on the controllables" is a great way to calm ourselves down and reduce negative emotion. The method of "embracing reality" goes a step further and is even more positive. One of the mottos in Stoicism is Amor Fati, which means to not just bear what happens, but to love it, be thankful for it, and embrace it. Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius said, "Just as the nature of rational things has given to each person their rational powers, so it also gives us this power—just as nature turns to its own purpose any obstacle or any opposition, sets its place in the destined order, and co-opts it, so every rational person can convert any obstacle into the raw material for their own purpose." Amor Fati is sometimes represented by a blazing fire because fire turns everything into fuel for its growth. Image Source The key to Amor Fati is that we are constantly seeking to improve ourselves and to cultivate our virtues, both of which are in our control. With this attitude, any obstacle can be turned into raw material for our own purpose. To return to the previously mentioned examples, we not only don't demand others to change, we are thankful to them for being a catalyst for our own improvement; It's thanks to them that we can improve our communication skills, patience, emotional intelligence, etc. We embrace the traffic because (aside from resistance being futile) we can make good use of the time to listen to interesting podcasts. We are thankful for the "bad luck" of losing something valuable because it's a test of our ability to detach and adapt. 4: Practice selflessness Attachments are endless, but the most central attachment is the attachment to I. If I don't get what I want, I will be unhappy. How dare you say that about me. I can't bear to lose my valuable object. These are all forms of attachment to I. If we let go of our attachment to I, then who suffers? So rather than severing attachments one by one (which will take forever), we can get at the root of the problem by reducing our attachment to I. Of course, this is much easier said than done, but people have achieved it (such as the Buddha), and for every percentage of letting go we do, we gain a percentage of freedom and peace. Most of us are always thinking about what I want and don't want, about my feelings and my things. To reduce the attachment to I, ancient philosophers teach us to focus on others. The Buddha said, “View all living beings as myself.” The Daoist sage Lao Zi said, “View others’ gains as my own gains. View others losses’ as my own losses.” Marcus Aurelius said, “What injures the hive, injures the bee.” “Meditate often on the interconnectedness and mutual interdependence of all things in the universe.” In other words, instead of always thinking about I, think about what others want and don't want, about how other people feel and their things. Always think about helping the people around you rather than about yourself. This teaching is ingenious because if we tell ourselves "don't think about myself and what I want or don't want", we end up thinking about exactly that. But if we focus on others and benefiting them, we naturally forget I in the process. We can call this "selflessness" (the opposite of selfish) or "others-centeredness" (the opposite of self-centered). This reminds me of a quote by Gandhi: “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” The way I interpret his words is that we find a sense of contentment, peace, and spiritual happiness when we forget ourselves in the service of others. There are many ways we can practice selflessness and others-centeredness in life, and each person's situation is different. But I'll give some ideas for reference, which I wrote about in detail in the article My Year of Practicing Selflessness: Put others first: Help others first. Let others go first. Put others above my own convenience. Make things convenient for other people. Yield in debates. Empathy. Really try to understand others, especially when they can't fully articulate themselves or have unspoken messages. Believe that everyone has legitimate reasons for doing what they do; we just have to see their perspective. Advise others respectfully and patiently, without any opposition or judgment. Etiquette. Be a considerate and respectful person in all the small matters and interactions of daily life. Etiquette is a big topic, and I've written a long list of etiquette in this article. Think for the bigger picture, not just for one other person, but for all the people involved in a matter. Of these methods, etiquette is probably the first place to start. Here are some common examples from daily life: Aim to arrive 10 minutes early. You'll never know if you'll get delayed, and arriving late seems like you don't respect other people's time. If others are late, tell them "It's no rush. Take you time." If you’re running late or need to cancel, inform others as early as possible. Don't speak loudly in quiet places. Don't disturb others when they're busy or in a bad mood. When people call you or message you, try to respond promptly. Don't make others wait too long. When standing or talking with others, don't block doors or paths. Hold the door open for the person behind you. In front of others, speak about others' good points, not bad points, and don't gossip. If you need to advise others on their weaknesses, do so in private. When speaking, make sure your pace and volume are suitable for the listener. When calling others, first ask if they're free to talk. Don't assume they are free just because they picked up the phone. Or even better, schedule the call beforehand. Keep your space tidy. It's respectful to yourself, your space, and the people who see your space. When eating, If there's an elder (e.g., parents, grandparents, managers, etc.) at the table, try to eat at the same pace as them. If you eat too fast, they may feel pressured to eat faster. If you eat too slow, they have to wait for you. When at someone else's place, respect and follow their rules. When we practice etiquette diligently, we will gradually internalize the spirit of being considerate and respectful towards others with our every thought. From practicing selflessness and others-centeredness, I find that I think about myself a lot less, and since I'm more considerate towards others, I often feel the joy of helping others and of having good relationships. 5: Understand karma and accord with the conditions Karma is a big topic, and I've previously written about it in this article, but I'll briefly explain some key aspects here. Karma is often explained as "what goes around comes around", as in how you treat others will be how others treat you, or what you put out into the universe will be what the universe gives back to you. While this isn't incorrect, I think it's incomplete. Another name for karma is the Law of Cause and Effect. In other words, every result (effect) has its corresponding cause and conditions, and every cause will have a corresponding result. Put in more layman terms, there is a reason for everything, and things are always the way they're supposed to be, so we shouldn't get upset and think "Things shouldn't be this way!" Moreover, everything we think and do (karmic seeds) will have a result, so we should be careful about the karmic seeds we plant. To give an analogy, imagine planting a seed. The seed is the cause. The seed needs conditions, such as soil, water, sunlight, and time to grow into a plant and eventually reap fruit. Similarly, everything is a result (analogous to the fruit), and every result has its cause (seed) and conditions (soil, water, sunlight, time, etc.). Icon Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 Understanding karma helps us to lighten our attachments because we understand that things are the way they are for a reason, so we won't resist them so strongly. Moreover, we can seek to change things with logic and patience rather than merely being upset at things. "Accord with the conditions" is a common expression in Buddhism, and it integrates the idea of "controlling the controllables" with the Law of Causality. When we look at a result, we can see its cause and conditions, which ones are in our control, and which ones are not. We then control the controllables and let go of the rest. If we don't "accord with the conditions", then it's because we are attached to something outside our control. For example, let's say we are upset at someone for treating us with disrespect. This is the result. Rather than get upset, we can think about the potential causes and conditions that led to this result. Actually, there are two results to analyze: our feelings and their behavior. First is our upset feelings. Buddhism teaches us that our feelings are the result, our mind is the cause, and outside events are conditions. We cannot control outside events, but we can control our mind (or attitude or way of thinking), and we can change our feelings as a result. Blaming the outside for our feelings goes against logic and is unproductive (but it is very common, and we should be understanding towards others for doing it). If we demand the outside to change in order for us to be happy, that would be "resisting the conditions". If we stop demanding the outside and instead adjust our own mind and attitude, then we can "accord with the conditions" and find inner freedom. For example, we can change our attitude to be more empathetic and understanding rather than judgmental. No infant is born disrespectful and arrogant. That personality is a result of their upbringing and life experiences, which they didn't get to choose. Everyone thinks they are doing what's right; no one purposely tries to be bad. Moreover, if we had their genes, upbringing, and life experiences, we would be behaving exactly the same as them. Their behavior isn't "unreasonable." When we change our way of thinking (cause), suddenly our feelings (result) changes even though they (condition) didn't change. We will feel much better when we can be understanding instead of angry towards them, but we probably still want to change the way they treat us. Again, we can use karma and accord with the conditions. Their mind or personality is the cause, and how we treat them is the condition. We cannot change them (the cause), but we can change ourselves (condition). If we demand them to change how they treat us, yet we refuse to change how we treat them, then that's unreasonable because we are not willing to provide the necessary conditions for the result we want. So, the question is, what did we do to make them treat us with disrespect? Perhaps there was a misunderstanding in the past that led to resentment. In that case, if we clear up the misunderstanding and communicate good will, then the conflict can be resolved. Perhaps we don't show enough respect towards them, so they disrespect us in return. In that case, we need to show more respect to them. They might not change immediately because of past accumulated baggage, but if we keep planting seeds of respect, eventually those seeds will bear fruit, and they will treat us with respect in return. To give another example, if we want others to listen to us, we can also use karma. What would be the cause and conditions? The cause would be them. If they have a humble attitude, they would be more likely to agree, but this is outside our control. The condition is us, specifically how much trust we've built with them. So if we want them to take our advice, we should first build trust. But if we need to advise them on something now, then we need to accord with the conditions. If we have low trust with them, then we should advise them lightly and be very conservative and humble. We should also continue building trust so that we can advise more in the future. If we give very strong and demanding advice when trust is low, that would be "violating the conditions", and the cause might be our attachment to controlling others or for quick results. If we have high trust with them, then we can be more direct and forceful in our advising. If they have trust in us and we don't even advise them, then that would also be "violating the conditions", and the cause might be our attachment to not wanting inconvenience or trouble. Conclusion We all have the power to be happy and free regardless of our external circumstances. The key lies not in changing the outside, but in letting go of the attachments inside our mind. Detachment doesn’t make us apathetic or irresponsible, it enables us to truly live in the present, enjoy life, and do a better job at our goals. There are many ways to practice detachment, and this article mentioned five: See the truth Control the controllables and let go of the rest Embrace reality Practice selflessness Understand karma and accord with the conditions What are some big attachments that you have? How might you practice detachment? Weekly Wisdom #352

I'm back at my grandma's place in China again for a short visit, and of course, my grandma is always telling me to eat more even though I'm already full. But this time, I had a different challenge. I got sick.   It's very hot here, and the room I'm sleeping in only has a fan, not AC, so I got heatstroke, which involves throwing up, diarrhea, and feelings of dizziness and weakness. My grandma said that she's lived here for decades, so she's used to this heat in the summer, but I lived most of my life in Toronto, where the summers are cooler and there's AC, so that’s why I got heatstroke.   Anyway, after I threw up, I really did not have an appetite to eat anything for breakfast except a packet of instant oatmeal. My grandma brought me a watermelon and said, "This will make you feel better!"   I told her, "Watermelon is very cooling, and my stomach is too weak to handle that right now."     She replied, "No, watermelon is good for heatstroke!"   I said, "It can help to prevent heatstroke by cooling you down, but I'm not hot right now; I feel nauseous, so I don't want to eat it."   She then brought me canned "eight treasure porridge" and said, "How about this?"   I said, "That canned porridge is too sweet and thick. I just want to eat some light oatmeal." My grandma got impatient with me and said, "How are you going to recover if you don't eat anything? This eight treasure porridge is very nutritious!"   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 I think in the past, I might've gotten annoyed and said, "I'm sick and I just threw up. Can I just have a break from eating until I feel better?"   But I understand that my grandma has good intentions, and that her personality tends to get angry and impatient easily. Also, my mentor told me before that when people get old, they tend to become like children. In other words, they seem to make unreasonable requests and make a big fuss about things unnecessarily. It's a common phenomenon, so I shouldn't get annoyed at my grandma.   I told my grandma, "I already ate some oatmeal, and I want to rest. I think rest is the best way for me to recover. I can eat more later when I feel better."   In this way, I show that I have the same goal as my grandma, which is to recover ASAP, and I didn't reject her suggestion, I'm just putting it off until later.   Later at lunch, my grandma made some porridge with red bean and black rice for me. I told her,  "My stomach still feels very weak, and I just want to eat some easy to digest instant oatmeal."   She got upset and said, "Oatmeal again? You're lacking nutrients, so you recover slowly. You need to eat more nutritious food!"   I then reflected on my intentions. Am I being overly stubborn? Well, I still felt an urge to puke, and if I puke after drinking her porridge, she might feel bad, so I don't want to take that risk. Hence, I told my grandma, "I'm feeling a bit better than before, but not good enough yet. I think eating light is helpful. I might be able to eat some of your porridge for dinner."   My grandma then said, "You want something light, right? OK I'll go make white rice for you."   I said, "It's OK, just some oatmeal is enough."   She still made the rice for me and told me to eat some, telling me that it's important to eat more if I want to recover faster. At that point, I really did not have an appetite, but I decided that it's time I yield a bit, so I ate a little bit of rice and then said, "This rice is very bland and nice, but I want to go rest now. Maybe I can eat more for dinner."   In the afternoon, she came into my room and gave me a bamboo mat. She said, "I realized your bed doesn't have this bamboo mat, so it's very hot for you when you sleep. I just went outside and bought this for you."   Image Source I was quite touched. My grandma is very old and frail, but she went out of her way to buy this big bamboo mat and carry it home for me. It reminded me that even if she gets a bit angry unnecessarily sometimes, she always has my intentions at heart.   For most of the day, I laid in bed and also ate some medicine that my dad got for me. By dinner time, I indeed felt much better. I then took initiative to go heat up some of that red bean porridge and drink it in front of my grandma. I got mostly soup and very little beans, but then my grandma said I need to eat more and added more beans into my bowl. I didn't argue. She also got some tofu soup for me, and I ate a bit of that. It was rather salty, but I still drank it.   She emphasized to me again that I need to eat a wider variety of foods (because I'm vegan) if I want to get enough nutrients and have a good immune system. I understood her good intentions, and that she probably worried about my health since I got sick, so I didn't bother to debate with her about why I choose to be vegan or that my diet is not related to me getting heatstroke. Instead, I simply thanked her for her care and advice. By the next day, I was pretty much back to normal.   My grandma also told me to not come here again in the summer because it's too hot, but I didn't take her words to heart. I remember my mentor said that when people have extreme emotions, they tend to say things that they don't really mean. For example, in a state of great joy, people might make big promises that they can't keep; in a state of extreme anger, people might say things that they later deeply regret. Taking others' emotional words to heart is not only bad judgment on our part, it's also creating trouble for ourselves. In my grandma's case, I think she felt bad that I got heatstroke during my visit, and in that negative emotional state, she said to not come back in the summer. But objectively speaking, we had a lot of good times during my visit, and the good exceeded the bad. Moreover, we found ways to overcome the heat problem, such as using the bamboo mat and improving the air circulation, so I didn't get heatstroke again afterwards. Overall, it was quite an unexpected challenge to get heatstroke at my grandma's place, but it wasn't necessarily a bad thing. I think it's common for people to have a bad temper when they're sick and uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean it's fair to the people around us. I've been short tempered towards others in the past while sick, so I'm glad that this time, I was able to maintain a peaceful temperament and make my grandma feel respected despite not following her every wish. Weekly Wisdom #351

Recently I was talking to a friend who was having some difficulty getting her mom to listen to her. When I listened to her story, I had a thought: "One of the major differences between cultivators and non-cultivators is that cultivators see beyond the level of the matter and into the level of psychology."   By "cultivators", I mean people who cultivate their character and virtues, such as wisdom, kindness, humility, etc. By "psychology", I mean the way people think, their thoughts, and their intentions.   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 In interpersonal conflicts, a lot of people get stuck at the level of the matter. For example, my friend's mother was overworked and biting off more than she could chew. She was working a lot, taking care of elderly parents, and moving houses. My friend wants to help her mother with the moving, but she's studying abroad, so she urged her mother to hire a moving company to make things easier, but her mother refused. This is the matter.   But we have to go beyond the matter and really understand why they are so stubborn about their view. In order to understand others, we have to stop opposing them and judging them, and instead believe that they must have a legitimate reason for believing that they believe. After all, no one purposely tries to be stupid or illogical, so we mustn't judge others to be that way.   At the same time, sometimes people aren't fully aware of why they are so insistent on something, so they cannot articulate themselves clearly. We also have to be understanding here rather than judgmental or demanding. People need time to work out their thoughts, and we can use our own observation abilities to make educated guesses.   So back to my friend and her mom. I asked my friend, "Why do you think your mother is so stubborn about doing everything herself and not hiring a moving company?"   She replied, "I think it's because it's like a taboo in my family to ask for help, so my mom wants to be superwoman and do everything herself, and she doesn't want to show weakness."   I said,  "It's great that you can understand your mother's psychology! Indeed, pretty much everyone has an ego, and the ego wants to look good and capable in front of others. Now that you are aware of her psychology and intention here, you're still going to urge her to hire a moving company, but how might you frame your request differently?"   She thought for a moment and replied, "Maybe I could say that my friend is starting a moving company, and it would be very helpful if she could support my friend's business and be one of their early customers? But it's kind of hard because I don't actually know a friend who's starting a moving business."   I said, "You're going in the right direction! We call this tact. When you truly have the best intentions for someone, and your mind is very peaceful and calm, you'll eventually think of a genius idea. Maybe it's when you're in the shower, or when you first wake up, or after meditation. Tact is key to helping others.   There isn't one correct answer here, but I'll offer one idea. Basically, instead of making it seem like you are helping them, make it seem like they are helping you. It's the nature of the ego to like to be the 'hero' or 'the good guy' and to dislike being 'the one who needs help.'   You could say to your mom, 'I feel really guilty that I can't be there to help you move in this hectic time. I know you can probably handle it, but can you please let me contribute a little bit by hiring a moving company for the family? It'll make me feel a lot better and help me concentrate on my studies."   My friend replied, "Oh I think my mother would be much more willing to take my advice if I framed it that way!"   My friend also talked about how she's worried about the health of many family members, including their diet, lack of exercise, and overconfidence in western medicine. Again, we need to look beyond the level of the matter and into the level of psychology.   Firstly, we have to correct our own intentions. We mustn't have an attitude of opposition, as if we need to "win this debate" or that "they are wrong and I am right". Instead, we should hold intentions of care, respect, and patience. We are advising them because we care about them, but at the same time, we respect their authority over their own lives, and we can patiently advise them over a long-period of time. After all, change requires time. Usually, people don't change after one conversation (unless you threaten them, in which case the change won't last long). It takes consistent care over a long period of time to inspire others to change.   Next, we can try to understand their psychology by putting ourselves in their shoes. Under what conditions would we reject or accept other people's advice? If we think they understand us and know what they're talking about, we'll probably listen to them. So building trust is key.   In order to build trust, we have to let others feel understood, and our own attitude is the root of the problem. If we oppose them, there's no way they'll feel understood. We'll say things like "You have problems with your diet and lifestyle,"  and then they'll get defensive and say, "Who are you to judge my life? Mind your own business."   To correct our own attitude, we have to remember that everyone is doing what they think is right, or if they know it's not right, they can't help it. For example, people eat what they think is healthy, and if they eat something that they know is unhealthy, it's because they think it's a reasonable amount, or because they can't control their cravings. Regardless, we should be understanding rather than judgmental. With this kind of attitude, we might say, " I know you try hard to take care of your health, and it's really difficult to always make the best choices given your busy schedule and food options."   As for the actual health and lifestyle advice, it's better if it comes from a credible expert and if we've tried this advice and got good results. We might say, "My doctor recommended me to watch this health documentary, and I was wondering if you'd like to watch it with me? No pressure though."  Or "I'm feeling great recently, and I think it's because I followed some health advice from XYZ book/expert. I wish I had known this earlier!"  There isn't one correct method or thing to say, and as long as we sincerely care for them and have a correct attitude, we'll definitely find a way.   Conclusion What is a matter that you've been caught up in? How can you see beyond the matter? Weekly Wisdom #350

There is a story that has been widely passed down among gold prospectors around the world. This story bears a captivating name: “Three Feet from Gold.”   Decades ago, a man named R.U. Darby from Maryland set off with his uncle to Colorado in the distant American West in search of gold. With pickaxes and shovels in hand, they dug tirelessly. After several weeks, to their great joy, they finally discovered sparkling gold ore. They carefully covered the mine and returned to their hometown of Williamsburg to raise a large sum of money to purchase mining equipment.   Soon, their gold mining operation was in full swing. When the first batch of ore was sent to the smelter, experts concluded that they might have discovered one of the richest gold veins in the entire Rola region of the American West. After just a few loads of ore, Darby was able to fully recover his investment.   But what Darby never expected was that, just as their hopes were soaring, something strange happened: the gold vein suddenly disappeared! Despite continuing to drill desperately in hopes of rediscovering the vein, all efforts proved futile. It was as if God had decided to play a cruel joke on them, turning their dream into dust. With no other choice, they painfully abandoned the mine that had nearly made them rich.   They sold all of their equipment to a local junk dealer and returned to Williamsburg with deep regret.   Just days after they left, the junk dealer had a sudden inspiration and decided to try his luck at the abandoned mine. To that end, he hired a mining engineer. After a simple survey, the engineer pointed out that the previous failure was due to the owners’ lack of understanding about fault lines in the gold vein. The assessment showed that the main vein of gold was only three feet away from where Darby had stopped drilling.   Image Source As a result of this twist, Darby lived out his life as a modest farmer, barely making ends meet. The junk dealer, on the other hand, became one of the wealthiest men in the West.   (Source: Harvard Family Education )   Commentary We probably all have our own version of the “gold mine” that we are seeking. Perhaps it’s a happy marriage, or a successful career, or spiritual attainment. Whatever it is, it probably isn’t easy and requires perseverance. But perseverance mustn't be blind.   Sometimes, we might feel like we haven’t had any progress despite showing up and doing the work every single day. When that happens, it’s important to analyze our situation and confirm if we’ve gone in the wrong direction or if our method has problems. Getting an expert opinion would be very helpful here. If Darby had gotten the right expert to advise him, he might not have given up prematurely.   If we are going in the right direction and our method doesn’t have problems, then we just have to persevere. To give an analogy, when we boil water from 0 to 100 degrees, we can’t see much change from 0 to 99 degrees. But once the water reaches 100 degrees, there’s a breakthrough and the water boils. Although there might not be noticeable change in our daily accumulation yet, the temperature of our “water” is rising. We mustn’t give up before our water reaches 100, or else all the previous effort would be wasted.   What is a worthwhile challenge you’re working towards? How do you know if you're going in the right direction? How do you maintain faith and persevere? Weekly Wisdom #348

Sergey Bubka, the world-renowned Olympic pole vault champion, earned the title Czar of Pole Vault . He set an astonishing 35 world records in pole vaulting, and the two records he held stood unbroken for years.   Image Source At the award ceremony for the National Medal of Honor, reporters eagerly asked him, “What’s the secret to your success?”   Bubka smiled and replied, “It’s very simple. Before every jump, I first let my mind ‘leap’ over the bar.”   As a pole vaulter, there was a period when, no matter how hard Bubka tried to reach new heights, he failed again and again. He felt frustrated, disheartened, and even began to doubt his own potential.   One day, at the training field, he shook his head and said to his coach, “I just can’t get over it.”   His coach asked, “What are you thinking when you jump?”   Bubka answered, “As soon as I step onto the runway and see how high the bar is, I get scared.”   Staring at him, the coach suddenly shouted, “Bubka! What you need to do right now is close your eyes and let your mind jump over the bar first.”   The coach’s words woke Bubka up like a bolt of lightning. He followed the advice and vaulted again. This time, he cleared the bar.   The coach smiled with satisfaction and said earnestly, “Remember: If your mind can get over the bar first, your body will follow.”   (Source: Harvard Family Education )   Commentary Anything worthwhile in life is a challenge, and nothing meaningful or gratifying comes easily. That’s because the challenge contributes to the sense of accomplishment afterwards.   If we want to overcome any challenge, the first requirement is that we believe we can do it. It isn’t the only requirement, but it is one of the most important. If we don’t even believe we can do it, we won’t give our best effort, which then reduces our likelihood of success. We also wouldn’t persevere in the face of difficulty, and we might give up just before we could make a breakthrough. That would be a shame and a waste.   Moreover, confidence allows us to remain calm, which then allows us to perform at our natural ability. On the contrary, doubt makes us nervous, causing us to perform worse than we should. That was the case for Bubka.   When we lack confidence in ourselves, we can use visualization: we can visualize ourselves being competent and accomplishing our desired goal. Why does this work?   Because the difference between confidence and doubt is just a thought, and our way of thinking is a habit. Habits are mostly unconscious, kind of like our posture, so if we want to change a habit, we need to consciously go through many, many repetitions. Visualization is precisely that.   For example, when I have conflict with someone and I notice that my emotions are disturbed, I try to leave the situation and communicate at a later time when my emotions are more stable. During the time in between, I sometimes visualize myself doing the behavior I hope to do, such as calmly and patiently listening to them first, and then explaining myself in a calm manner. If I can’t even visualize myself doing this, then chances are my emotions are still too disturbed, so I shouldn’t communicate with them yet.   To give another example, if I have an upcoming interview that I’m nervous about, I visualize myself about to start the interview, and I try to feel nervous in the visualization. This is mirroring the real interview situation as much as possible. Then I practice calming myself down through some deep breaths and affirmations. If I can do it in the visualization, I’ll be much more likely to be able to do it in the real interview.   Conclusion Faith in ourselves is the foundation for success, and visualization can be a powerful tool. The best part? They’re both freely accessible to each and every one of us. Weekly Wisdom #347