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I recently took an attitude class from Dr. Alan Zimmerman, and the most central concept in the class was this: Be an actor, not a reactor. An actor is in control of their feelings and behavior. A reactor is not. A reactor's feelings are dependent on external circumstances, and they can't help but react a certain way given certain circumstances. Dr. Zimmerman says: "It's not so much what happens to you that matters. It's how you're conditioned to respond that makes all the difference."   Dr. Zimmerman shared many stories and examples, which I've categorized into four main categories: inconveniences, negative people, negative expectations, and adversities. This week, we'll look at negative people. Dr. Zimmerman shared a story of one of his friends in New York City. This friend would buy a newspaper from a newsstand every day, and he would greet the salesman cheerfully, saying, " Good morning Charlie! Nice to see you! "   Charlie then replies, " Eehh keeh ." Not even a greeting. Just a spitting sound.   The friend then gives the money and takes the paper, saying " Thanks a lot Charlie! "   Charlie then replies again, " Eehh keeh. "   The friend then says, " Have a good day Charlie! "   Image Source: ChatGPT One time, someone asked the friend, " Does he always act that negatively towards you? "   He said, " Yeah, he's always like that. "   The person then asked, " Do you always treat him that nicely? "   He said, " Of course. "   The person asked, "Why?"   He said, " I'm not going to let others decide my feelings and my behavior. "   Dr. Zimmerman also shared a story of back when he used to work as a professor in a university. He would walk around the hallways in the morning greeting other professors and students. He'd say with positive energy, " Good morning! Take care! See you around! "   Most people would reply positively back to him. But for two years, there were two people who never responded back. They remained grouchy and impolite. Dr. Zimmerman eventually got impatient and thought to himself, " Forget it! How long do I have to be positive to get a response out of those two! "   Then he stopped and reminded himself, " I'm an actor, not a reactor. I will not catch their disease. I don't know what their problem is. Maybe they're constipated every morning. Whatever their reason is, how they behave is their matter. But I will continue being positive towards others because it's the right thing to do, not because it's the easy thing to do. And I give myself a pat on the back for reinforcing my good attitude. "   Dr. Zimmerman further comments: Perhaps there's someone that just really irks you. Rather than continue getting irked by them all the time, why not go to the bookstore and buy a book on coping with difficult people? Why not practice on them? You've got nothing to lose. An actor takes productive action, while a reactor merely complains.   Commentary When faced with negative, rude, or inconsiderate people, most people habitually react with annoyance, impatience, or anger. But if we think about it, letting others ruin our mood is quite a bad deal, isn't it? Stoic philosopher Epictetus said, "If a person gave away your body to some passerby, you'd be furious. Yet you hand over your mind to anyone who comes along, so they may abuse you, leaving it disturbed and troubled—have you no shame in that?"   If we still let others ruin our mood, it's time to take back our sovereignty and refuse to let others dictate how we feel. Of course, the big question is how? First, we need to know our triggers and practice reacting in an ideal manner. Second, we need to cultivate stillness. As long as we persevere, we can definitely change our habits.   To use myself as an example, I've identified people and things that trigger me, such as people who are rude, who don't keep their word, who criticize before understanding, and who exaggerate things. Every morning, I do a visualization meditation  where I visualize myself being calm, patient, and unaffected by these types of people. When I encounter such people in the course of my day, I remind myself that this is my training opportunity. Sometimes I succeed in being calm, other times I fail. The more I practice, the better I get.   The other important thing to do is to practice stillness in everyday life. Stillness is a state of calm, tranquility, and emotional stability that is unmoved by external disorder. As Marcus Aurelius said, “Be like the rock that the waves keep crashing over. It stands unmoved and the raging of the sea falls still around it.”   We can cultivate stillness (literally making the mind still) through calming activities like meditation , slow breathing, yoga, or simply being focused and present in whatever it is we are doing. When our minds are in a calm state, we are much less likely to have big waves of emotions. When others are agitated, we won't catch their agitation so easily. Instead, we can exert stillness onto them and help them calm down.   (Aside from knowing our triggers and cultivating stillness, there are many more methods of practice. For more on this topic, check out my article Ten Ways To Deal With Difficult People .)   Everyone carries emotional energy (AKA moods), and this energy is contagious. When we interact with others, there are three possibilities: Their emotional energy is stronger than ours, and our mood gets changed by them. Our emotional energy is stronger than theirs, and their mood gets changed by us. Both people's energy are extremely strong, and neither gets changed by the other.   If we repeatedly interact with someone over a long period of time, then either we will change them, or they will change us. For example, in one of the classes that I teach, I have a "trouble student" who is quite rude. When I first started teaching him a few months ago, he often called his classmates names and even called me names. He'd randomly get up and leave the classroom, or lean back in his chair, or even lie on the ground and refuse to get up. When I call him or tell him to do something, he often doesn't listen. There was one classmate who always got really upset at him, and he would find it very entertaining to watch this classmate get upset.   Other teachers warned me about this student beforehand, so I told myself before I even met him, " Either I will change him, or he will change me, and I'm not going to let him change me. No matter how rude he is, I will not get angry or impatient with him. I will role model respect and calm for my students. "   So despite his rude behavior, I never once lost my temper with him. But this doesn't mean I'm unprincipled or overly nice. I enforce my principles through a reward system where students get points for good behavior and lose points for bad behavior, and they can trade points for rewards such as ice cream or bubble tea. Whenever he has rude behavior, I threaten to take away his points, and he usually apologizes. I'm also pretty generous in giving points, and he's pretty eager to earn points.   After a few months of class, he gradually became influenced by me and other teachers. He calls classmates names a lot less now, he is more willing to apologize, he can sit properly for the majority of the class, and he even shares things with classmates and praises classmates. Of course, he still has a lot of room for improvement, but change takes time, and I must not be impatient for quick results. As long as I manage myself and make sure I set a good role model, others will eventually get influenced.   Conclusion An actor chooses how they feel, and their positivity and calm can influence others. A reactor can't help but feel annoyed, upset, or angry at others' bad behaviors. If we want to become more of an actor, then we need to know our triggers, practice responding in our ideal manner, and cultivate stillness in daily life. We can also shift our perspective to be thankful to these people who trigger us, for they are providing us with the training we need to change from a reactor to an actor. Weekly Wisdom #329

I recently took an attitude class from Dr. Alan Zimmerman, and the most central concept in the class was this: Be an actor, not a reactor. An actor is in control of their feelings and behavior. A reactor is not. A reactor's feelings are dependent on external circumstances, and they can't help but react a certain way given certain circumstances. Dr. Zimmerman says: "It's not so much what happens to you that matters. It's how you're conditioned to respond that makes all the difference."   This is totally aligned with ancient philosophies like Stoicism, which teaches us to focus on what we can control (our thoughts and behavior) and let go of the rest (other people and circumstances). A true philosopher is an actor, not a reactor.   This sounds simple in theory and is easy to say, but it's actually very difficult in practice. Who isn't a reactor? Who doesn't get upset ever? We all have our triggers. Perhaps it's rude people, illogical people, negative people, inconveniences, or inefficiencies. But we have to recognize that we have control over our response to any situation, no matter how tough it may feel to remain calm.   Getting angry, annoyed, or upset is a habit, and a habit is not a truth. Habits can be changed. These things that trigger habitual upset in us are precisely our training partners to help us become actors instead of reactors. With consistent practice, we can slowly become more of an actor and less of a reactor.   Image Source: ChatGPT Dr. Zimmerman shared many stories and examples, which I've categorized into four main categories: inconveniences, negative people, negative expectations, and adversities. This week, we'll look at inconveniences. Do you ever really frustrated, upset, or dejected at minor problems and inconveniences in life? Dr. Zimmerman shared one of his stories that really left a deep impression on me: "One time, I had just left the funeral of a 2-year old child. I got in my car and found out it wouldn't start. It was already late in the day, and the sky was dark. This was also in a bad area of town. Everyone else had already left, so the only thing I could do was call Triple A (emergency roadside service) to send help to start my car. They couldn't get here for two hours.   When they finally arrived, they were very apologetic. I was calm and told them it's OK. The mechanic was surprised and asked why I wasn't upset about the bad service. I thought to myself, "How dare I be upset at the car that wouldn't start, or at a two hour wait, when I had just come from the funeral of a two-year old. Put into perspective, my situation was nothing more than a minor inconvenience. It meant nothing."   Every time I think about that situation, my stress levels go down. Don't let the little things stress you out. Ask yourself, how important will these things be in a week, a year, in the land of eternity. Most of the time, those things don't matter at all. When you're faced with stress, is your perspective turning it into a molehill or a mountain? Choose the right perspective." Image Source Commentary Like many people, I get annoyed at inconveniences and complain, whether it's traffic, or missing a bus, or slow internet, or a sudden bad turn of weather, or forgetting something. But we don't have  to let these inconveniences ruin our mood. We always have the choice to choose our attitude. As Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius said, "When you are distressed by an external thing, it's not the thing itself that troubles you, but only your judgment of it. And you can wipe this out at a moment's notice."   How can we wipe out that distress? One effective way is to put things into perspective. Like Dr. Zimmerman did, we can ask ourselves, how big of a deal will this be in a week, a month, a year? Chances are, we probably won't even think about it, so we don't need to make such a big deal out of it. Don't turn a molehill into a mountain.   If the inconvenience is caused by someone else, we can also jump out of our perspective and try to understand them. Chances are, they aren't trying to annoy us. They are trying to do their best at their job too. When we understand others, we can turn annoyance into understanding and patience. Below are some recent situations I encountered where I got to practice shifting my perspective.   Incident 1: Flight Meals I recently flew to China to see my grandparents for the lunar new year. When I purchased my flight tickets, I had ordered a vegan meal, but on the 16 hour flight, I found out that my order was not put through. The flight attendant told me that since I booked my tickets via a third party, I need to confirm with the actual airline that I want a special meal, and that lots of people forget to do this.   I could've gotten angry and said, "This is absurd. I already paid for my special meal. The third party agent should have communicated with you guys. Nowhere on my order did it say I need to contact the airline personally to confirm my meal."   But I didn't. I put things into perspective. It's just a few meals on a plane. It's really not a big deal. I can eat bread and the snacks I brought. This re-affirmed my careful attitude of bringing snacks as a backup. Secondly, the ticket I bought was the best value for money I found. The money saved compared to other tickets is well worth a few meals.   Thirdly, I jumped out of my perspective and tried to see things from the flight attendant's perspective. He probably feels really bad and nervous for giving me the bad news. He's just a messenger. If I were the messenger, I wouldn't want to be shot for bad news, so I'm not going to do that to others. He has a very tiring and under-appreciated job, so I should give him more appreciation. I told him, "Oh I see. Thanks for letting me know. I will know that for next time. Sorry for the hassle. So can you just give me more bread then? I also have snacks I brought."   The flight attendant then told me, "Sure, I'll give you some bread first. We staff members also have our own food, and there are some vegetarian options. I'll give you mine."   I said, "Oh that's very kind of you. Yeah if we could trade meals, that would be great."   Another flight attendant said, "We can't trade meals with you. He's sacrificing his meal for you."   I said, "Oh don't worry about it then. I'm good with bread and my own snacks."   He said, "No no don't worry about it. We have other food too."   Thus, I accepted his offer and supported his act of kindness. Later, the flight attendant gave me a lot of food. Like three times as much as what other people got. And the food was quite good too. I was really pleasantly surprised.   This reminds me of karma: the energy you give is the energy you attract . Since I gave the flight attendant good energy (understanding and kindness), he also gave me good energy (generosity). I'm sure if I got angry and complained, he wouldn't so happily give me so much food.   Incident 2: Messy Room Later, I arrived at my grandma's place, and to my surprise, it was really messy. The room and bed I was supposed to sleep on was full of stuff. In my jet-lagged state after traveling for over 24 hours, I was very tired and still had to clean up the room and bed a bit before being able to sleep. Again, I could've complained, but I didn't.   I put things into perspective. Firstly, my grandma has been in a lot of pain recently, and I found out after I had bought my plane tickets. If I had known earlier, I would've bought earlier plane tickets. Thank goodness my dad was here to take care of my grandma, and that my grandma is still alive to see me today. Everything else is a small deal.   Also, there is nothing that isn't the way it shouldn't be. We only think things shouldn't be this way when we look at things from our limited perspective. If I jump out of my perspective and look at things from my dad's perspective, he's been very busy taking care of my grandma and renovating the kitchen, so he probably didn't have the spare time and energy to clean up the room for me. His standards for what is considered "messy" is also different from mine, and I can't force my standards onto others. Moreover, my grandma and dad are both very happy to see me. The last thing I should do is ruin their good mood by complaining that my bed isn't set up yet.   Incident 3: Unhappy Friend During my trip, I got a message from a friend, and she was complaining about her roommate always being negative. She said that her roommate's negativity ruins her mood, and she wishes she could have a different roommate.   My logical brain thinks, "OK…but you can't base your happiness on external conditions. If you think you will be happy only when the external environment and people change according to your wishes, then you'll never be happy. You have to learn to manage your own emotions and cultivate yourself rather than demanding others."   However, I know that if I sent her that message, she'd feel even more upset because what she probably wants from me is some sympathy and understanding, not a lecture that ignores her feelings and tells her she's wrong. Moreover, what she really needs, even if she didn't ask for it, is to gain some understanding towards her roommate.   So I said, "Oh that sounds tough. It sounds like your roommate is someone who's easily stressed and negative. She probably isn't trying to make you feel bad, but she just has lots of stress and anxiety inside her that's overflowing into her relationships. If you can't take it, you can try to avoid her throughout the day. Or do more things that you enjoy and that give you positive energy, and encourage your roommate to do the same. I know it's not easy, but try your best to practice not being affected by others' moods. There's no other better chance to practice than now."   Later, my friend sent me a video of a school party she attended for Lunar New Year. They had lots of delicious food and fun activities. She also performed a song. I then took this opportunity to advise her to pick the right perspective. I told her, "You are very, very, very fortunate to be at this university. It's your dream school and program, and there was a time when you didn't even think you could go. But in the end, you made it. You have great teachers and classmates. You're at your dream school in your dream program. Don't let the small stuff distract you from your big blessings!"   She replied, "You're totally right. I put your words on a sticky note and pinned it to my wall. Thanks for that reminder."   Conclusion When we encounter problems, the perspective we have plays a key role in how we feel about the problem. If we only think about my perspective, about what I  want, about how this problem is obstructing me , about the short term, then we will suffer a lot of negative emotions.   If instead, we can jump out of our perspective and think from other people's perspectives, from a bigger perspective, from a long-term perspective, then we won't make such a big deal out of things. We can instead of calm, patience, and understanding towards others.   So the big question is: When you encounter problems, is your perspective turning it into a mountain or a molehill? Weekly Wisdom #328

Last time, we looked at the story of King Yi and Pang Meng. King Yi's own selfishness and competitiveness attracted a like-minded student who ultimately betrayed and killed him. This time, we'll look at another story: Duke Huan and his three fanatics.   Image Source During the Spring and Autumn Period (c. 770–476 BCE), China had Five Hegemons. These were the five state leaders with the most power. One of them was Duke Huan of the state of Qi (齊桓公), who ruled from 685 to 643 BCE. With the help of his key advisor, Guan Zhong (管仲), the state of Qi become the most powerful state at the time. After Duke Huan's rise to power, many people wanted to gain favor with him. Among them, three people stood out.   One person was Kai Fang (開方), who was part of the noble class in the state of Wei. He could have lived a life of wealth and prestige in Wei, but instead, he chose to go to the state of Qi to serve Duke Huan. When his father died, he didn't even go back for his father's funeral. Duke Qi was touched by this, thinking, " Wow, Kai Fang loves me more than his own father! "   The second person was Shu Diao (豎刁), who was part of the noble class in the state of Qi. Due to his high social class, he was allowed to go work in the imperial palace at a young age. But since the palace has many imperial concubines, he was asked to leave when he got older, unless he wanted to castrate himself and become a eunuch. Thus, Shu Diao returned home. Not long after, he really missed being in the imperial palace with Duke Qi, so he made up his mind and became a eunuch. Duke Qi was touched by this, thinking, " Wow, Shu Diao loves me more than his own body! "   The third person was Yi Ya (易牙), who served as Duke Qi's chef. Yi Ya was renowned for his excellent culinary skills, and the Duke loved his cooking. One day, Yi Ya roasted a baby pig, and Duke Qi said, " Wow I've never tasted anything so good as this roasted baby pig! I wonder what a human infant would taste like. " It was just an off-handed remark without any intention, but Yi Ya took it very seriously. He felt that he couldn't serve the Duke flesh from a commoner's child, so he decided to sacrifice his own four-year-old son and cooked a meat stew served in a golden pot for the Duke.   When Duke Qi tasted the stew, he asked what was in it. Yi Ya explained that he ultimately decided to offer his son's flesh to fulfill the Duke's wish. Duke Qi was a bit grossed out, but at the same time, he was touched, thinking, " Wow, Yi Ya loves me more than his own son! "   (Pause. So what do you think about these three people? After you've formed your opinion, keep reading.)   The Duke really liked these three people, and they often said things and did things to please him. However, Guan Zhong strongly disapproved and advised the Duke to stay away from them. Near the end of his life, Guan Zhong became very ill.   Duke Huan visited Guan Zhong and asked which of his ministers could serve as the next prime minister and key advisor. Guan Zhong asked the Duke what he thought. The Duke first suggested Yi Ya.   Guan Zhong replied, " Yi Ya killed his own son to please you. This violates human sentiment. What parent doesn’t love their own child? Yi Ya is definitely a merciless person with ulterior motives. "   A bit shocked, the Duke said, " OK, I guess you might have a point. Then what about Kai Fang?"   Guan Zhong said, " Kai Fang abandoned his family duties to serve you. Parents gave the most to us in our lives. To not return home for his father's funeral and not feel bad about it, that violates human sentiment and morality. If he is willing to cast aside his own parents, then who is he not willing to cast aside? I wouldn't trust him. "   Finally, the Duke asked, "What about Shu Diao?"   Guan Zhong replied, " He castrated himself to gain favor with you. If he is willing to harm himself, then who is he not willing to harm? He definitely has ulterior motives too. "   Image Source: ChatGPT Although Guan Zhong's words were painful to hear, this was the key man who helped him rise to power, and he knew Guan Zhong is a wise person with his best intentions in mind. Thus, he followed Guan Zhong's advice and dismissed those three people from the imperial palace. Not long after, Guan Zhong passed away.   A few years later, Duke Huan missed the presence of those three people. He felt like life had become so much more boring and flavorless without them, and that maybe Guan Zhong was being too harsh on them. Thus, he called them back to the palace.   The following year, Duke Huan fell seriously ill. Rather than caring for their father's health, his many sons started fighting for the throne. Yi Ya and Shu Diao joined the fight. They killed many officials and tried to manipulate members of the royal family so that they could have power over whoever won the throne. This internal strife also marked the beginning of the decline of the state of Qi.   To prevent the sick Duke Huan from meddling, Yi Ya and Shu Diao locked the Duke in his bedchambers and falsely proclaimed royal decrees, forbidding anyone from seeing the Duke. In this way, they cut off the Duke's food supply and starved him to death.   It wasn't until over two months later, when someone noticed a terrible smell and maggots crawling out from that room, that someone finally checked on the bedchambers and found Duke Huan's dead corpse. Even then, his sons didn't stop fighting. It wasn't until ten months later, when one of the sons finally won the fight for the throne, that they finally organized a funeral for Duke Huan.   (Story reference material: The Records of the Grand Historian )   Commentary In the Analects , Confucius said, "There are three types of beneficial friends and three types of harmful friends. The upstanding, the understanding, and those with broad learning, these are beneficial. The sweet talker, the deceiver, and the smooth talker, these are harmful."  (Original text: 益者三友，損者三友。友直，友諒，友多聞，益矣。友便辟，友善柔，友便佞，損矣。)   The upstanding person is one who behaves in a good and moral way, setting a good example for others. They do not compromise on principles for the sake of currying favor with others, nor do they blindly follow the herd. If they see you have a fault, they will advise you because they want the best for you.   The understanding person is very kind, tolerant, and treats others the way they would want to be treated. They help us feel understood, and they set a role model for us to be more understanding and tolerant towards others.   Those with broad learning can help us to solve our problems with wisdom. They also set a role model for us to keep learning and improving ourselves.   Image Source The sweet talker is great at using flattery to get you to like them, but their intentions are selfish. They hope to use you to gain benefits for themselves. Since they always want others to like them, they become unprincipled and don't say things that need to be said. When we listen to sweet talkers, we think we are great and become oblivious to our problems, which will eventually create trouble for us.   The deceiver seems to be good on the surface, but they are rotten deep down. They might say good things about you in your presence or seem to help you, but they say bad things about you and hurt you behind your back.   The smooth talker is very artful and persuasive in their speech, but they lack true experience, and their intentions are improper (e.g., selfish, lazy, arrogant). They use their cleverness to distort right and wrong for the purpose of obtaining self-benefit. Listening to them will definitely bring harm.   Confucius also said, "There are three beneficial enjoyments and three harmful enjoyments. Regulating oneself through propriety and music, leading others towards virtue, and having worthy friends, these are beneficial enjoyments. Arrogance, idle amusement, and feasting, these are harmful enjoyments."  (Original Text: 益者三樂，損者三樂。樂節禮樂，樂道人之善，樂多賢友，益矣。樂驕樂，樂佚遊，樂宴樂，損矣。)   Propriety is used to regulate behavior, and music is used to regulate emotions. When it comes to daily social interactions, it's important to do things in a fitting manner and to an appropriate degree. This is where rules of propriety and etiquette come into play. When we follow these natural laws of human sentiment, others will feel that we are considerate and respectful towards them. As a result, we gain the enjoyment of pleasant social interactions and good relationships.   In ancient China, music was used to regulate emotions and calm the mind, which is quite different from modern pop music, which tends to bring out more emotions and strongly stimulate the mind. A lot of external stimulation creates a rush of dopamine (a feel good hormone), but that short-term high leads to a low afterwards, and it can lead to addiction, so that's a harmful type of enjoyment. On the other hand, the enjoyment of a calm and peaceful mind is a beneficial enjoyment.   Helping others do good deeds and improve their virtues is a very enjoyable thing indeed. Humans are social beings, and the brain is wired to feel good from helping others and from doing good deeds. Being with worthy friends who have high virtues and learning brings us the joy of growth and improvement.   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 Arrogant people take pleasure in being better than others, and this is a harmful type of enjoyment because it creates a  constant sense of fear that someone will be better than us, and there are always better people out there. Also, no one likes an arrogant person.   Idle enjoyment is a very broad concept that encompasses being lazy, undisciplined, and disordered in life. Endlessly scrolling on social media, being addicted to gaming, binge watching shows are all examples. These types of behavior lack propriety and are often to an excessive degree. They reflect a lack of consideration towards others and a lack of responsibility.   Feasting refers to big feasts with lots of extravagant foods and alcohol. It's fine to attend feasts so long as it's regulated by propriety. It becomes harmful when people take pleasure in extravagance; such behavior is very wasteful, and frequently wasting so much money will lead to poverty. Also, taking pleasure in alcohol harms our health and brain, and getting drunk can lead to committing grave mistakes.   What we take pleasure in also affects the people we attract into our lives. If we take pleasure in propriety, good music, and cultivating virtues, we'll attract those types of people to stay in our lives. If we take pleasure in competition, idle enjoyment, and feasting, then we'll attract those types of people into our lives.   Of course, Confucius isn't trying to give an extensive list, but it's a good list to get us thinking. We can certainly add to the list, such as avoiding people who are arrogant and extravagant, and associating with the filial and humble. Beneficial enjoyments can also include meditation, spending time in nature, or volunteering for a charitable cause, and harmful enjoyments can also include drugs, gambling, and other addictive activities. It's important to understand the spirit behind Confucius' words so that we can make connections to our own lives.   OK, back to the story. Guan Zhong is a clear example of a beneficial influence. He is very upstanding and has broad learning. He advises Duke Huan honestly, even if the advice might be hard to hear, because he truly wants the best for the Duke and the state. Duke Huan rose to power because he trusted and listened to Guan Zhong, and the state encountered disaster after he doubted Guan Zhong and disobeyed his advice.   On the other hand, Yi Ya, Shu Diao, and Kai Fang are examples of harmful influences. They were great at sweet talking, saying things that pleased Duke Huan in order to gain favor with him. They were also deceivers. On the surface, they seemed devoted to Duke Huan, but deep down, they had ulterior motives to seize political power. They also used clever words to distort right and wrong, such as saying that devotion to their ruler is more important than their family or body. Duke Huan's tragic downfall was due to associating with these harmful ministers.   (A note on sweet talk: Just to be clear, sweet talk isn't always bad; it depends on your intention. If your intention is to gain self-benefit, then it's immoral. But if your intention is to help the other person, such as saying some nice compliments to put them in a better mood before giving some heavy advice, then this is fine and appropriate.)   We might think, " Wow, Duke Huan is pretty dumb. How could he not see how harmful those three people were? "   But we shouldn't be so quick to judge. After all, Duke Huan led his state to become the strongest state in China at the time. That's not something a person of normal ability could do. How can we be so confident that we are better than Duke Huan? If someone as capable as him could fall to the trap of bad influences, then what about us?   One of the most important principles that Duke Huan missed is morality and human sentiment. For someone to love him more than their own family violates morality, and thus, there must be ulterior motives involved. As Confucius said in the Classic of Filial Piety : "To not love one’s parents yet love others violates morality. To not respect one's parents yet respect others violates propriety."  (Original Text: 不愛其親，而愛他人者，謂之悖德。不敬其親，而敬他人者，謂之悖禮。 )   If we are really touched when someone does something nice for us, but we don't feel nearly as touched or grateful for all the things our family (especially our parents) have done for us, then we are making the same mistake as Duke Huan. Even worse is if we think those people are better than our family members. The morally right way is to feel grateful to our family first because they've given us the most, then extend that gratitude out towards others.   Everyone has an ego. Most of us like it when others praise us, and we dislike it when others criticize us (even, and especially if, we think their criticism is wrong). Most of us seek sensual pleasure and enjoyment, whether it's food, entertainment, parties, etc. Many people don't seek advice from those more wise and experienced, and even if they do, if the advice is not what they want to hear, they choose to believe themselves rather than the expert. If any of these hold true for us, then we are no different from Duke Huan.   Thus, it's of utmost importance that we have a good understanding of ourselves and know what kind of people we attract. Chances are, beneficial and harmful influences are all around us. But those who stay close to us are the result of our own character.   Image Source If we like listening to flattery and dislike honest criticism, then we'll attract the sweet talkers. If we ourselves don't care so much about morality, then we'll attract the smooth talkers. If we have a lot of power but don't use it to help others, then we'll attract deceivers who want to take or use some of that power.   On the flip side, if we value morality and ethics, then we'll attract upstanding and principled people to stay by our side. If we are kind and understanding towards others, we'll attract kind and understanding people. If we value learning and self-improvement, then we'll attract the same types of people.   Moreover, "attracting" a certain type of person doesn't necessarily refer to a different person coming into our life. It could be changing the existing people in our life. For example, if we have a bad temper, then the people around us have no choice but to not criticize us, so they behave like sweet talkers. But if we become humble and seek their advice, then suddenly, the same people around us can become upstanding people. If we used to always criticize others, but then we change and become more understanding, then they will get influenced and become more understanding towards us too.   Ancient philosophers all teach us to be strict with ourselves and tolerant towards others. Moral cultivation is cultivating ourselves, not others. So after learning Confucius's teachings about beneficial versus harmful friends, our focus should not  be on judging others as beneficial or harmful, but rather on judging ourselves . What type of influence am I to others? What type of people do I attract?   Conclusion Friends play one of the biggest influences in our lives. Beneficial friends include those who are upstanding, understanding, and have broad learning; such friends bring us great fortune, as Guan Zhong did for Duke Huan. Harmful friends include those who are sweet talkers, deceivers, and smooth talkers; such friends bring terrible disasters, as Yi Ya, Shu Diao, and Kai Fang did for Duke Huan. Our character and interests determine the type of people we attract into our lives.   Our focus should not be on judging others as beneficial or harmful, but rather on judging ourselves. What kind of person am I, and what influence do I give to others? What type of people do I attract as a result? Weekly Wisdom #326

We may not get to choose our family, but we certainly get to choose our friends, employer, mentors, and spouse, and these decisions have a huge impact on our lives. As Jim Rohn said, "You are the average of the five people you spend most time with."   The big question is, are we thoughtfully choosing the people we spend time with? Image Source I recently heard an insightful story related to choosing friends and associates. This story comes from The Mencius , Book 4B, Chapter 24. I'll share the story in English below.   Around 4000 years ago, during the Xia Dynasty (c. 2070–1600 BCE), there was a king named Hou Yi (后羿) (c. 1998–1940 BCE). He had a minister named Pang Meng (逄蒙). Pang Meng learned archery from King Yi, who was the greatest archer in the world at that time. When Pang Meng had fully mastered what King Yi had taught him, he thought to himself, " The only person better than me now is King Yi ." Thus, Pang Meng killed King Yi.   Nearly 1600 years later, when Mencius (c. 372–289 B.C.E.) talked about this story to his students, he said that King Yi is also responsible for his own demise.   Hearing this, Mencius's student Gongming Yi (公明儀) said, " Really? It's hard for me to see how King Yi is at fault here. "   Mencius replied, " Perhaps his part of the responsibility is smaller, but how can you say he has no fault whatsoever? " Mencius then went on to tell another story.   During the Spring and Autumn period (c. 770–476 BCE), in the state of Zheng, there was a person named Zizhuo Ruzi (子濯孺子). He was sent on a mission to do a sneak attack on the state of Wei. The state of Wei found out about this and sent Yugong Zhisi (庾公之斯) to chase after him.   Zizhuo Ruzi knew his mission was too dangerous, so he fled back to his state. On the way, he got sick and had to rest. He told his carriage driver, " Today I am sick and cannot even wield my bow. Looks like I will die today. By the way, who is the person pursuing us? "   His driver said, " It's Yugong Zhisi. "   Zizhuo Ruzi said, " Looks like I shall live then. "   The driver was surprised and asked, " Yugong Zhisi is a renowned archer from Wei. How can you say that you shall live? "   Zizhuo Ruzi said, " Yugong Zhisi learned archery from Yingong To, and Yingong To learned archery from me. Yingong To is a morally principled person, so the people whom he chooses to associate with must be morally principled as well. "   When Yugong Zhisi caught up with them, he noticed Zizhuo Ruzi wasn't holding his bow, so he asked, " Why are you not holding your bow ?"   Zizhuo Ruzi said, " Today I am sick and cannot hold my bow. "   Yugong Zhisi said, " I learned archery from Yingong To, and Yingong To learned it from you. As you are my master's master, I cannot bear to harm you using the archery that you've imparted. Still, I have orders from my king, which I dare not to violate. "   Yugong Zhisi then took out some arrows, knocked the metal tips off against the wheel of the carriage, thereby making those arrows mostly harmless, and then shot four arrows at Zizhuo Ruzi. Then he left.   Image Source: ChaptGPT Commentary and Reflection This chapter from The Mencius  has many great insights. Below are a couple that came to my mind.   1: The Auspicious Associate With The Virtuous King Yi encountered disaster because he associated with Pang Meng, who was a selfish and competitive person. On the other hand, Zizhuo Ruzi had his life saved because he associated with morally principled and virtuous people. We might think, " I wouldn't associate with bad people. My friends are good people. " But how can we be so confident in our judgment?   I imagine King Yi also thought, " I only choose good ministers to serve me. " He probably never imagined that Pang Meng would betray him. So what went wrong? He didn't know the true standards for good and bad, right and wrong, virtue and sin.   I would assert that King Yi himself was probably selfish and competitive, so he naturally attracted and liked other people who are selfish and competitive. As the saying goes, "Birds of a feather, flock together."   If a really humble and kind person wanted to learn archery from King Yi, King Yi would probably think this student has no future prospects, and the student probably wouldn't want to learn from King Yi after realizing the big difference in their values.   So we really need to learn the standards for good and bad, right and wrong, virtue and sin, and these standards come from the teachings of ancient philosophers , which have been passed down for thousands of years. If these teachings weren't timeless truths, if they didn't benefit people generation after generation, there's no way these teachings would be passed down for so long. People wouldn't waste their time and resources.   It doesn't matter if it's ancient Chinese philosophy like Confucianism, or ancient Indian philosophy like Buddhism, or ancient western philosophy like Stoicism, most of their teachings are very similar and resonate with each other.   A lot of people think that talent, power, winning, wealth, fame etc. are good, and that seeking these things is right (just to be clear, these things aren't bad per se; they are simply tools that amplify a person's character). But the wise philosophers of the past taught us to seek virtues such as kindness, respect, humility, fairness, and wisdom. For example, Confucius was praised by one of his students as gentle, good-natured, respectful, frugal, and yielding. Confucius also frowned up arrogance, stinginess, liking beauty, and clever-mouthed people, meaning these qualities are vices.   In Book 4B, Chapter 28 of The Mencius , Mencius said, "The difference between Exemplary people and normal folk lies in their intentions. Exemplary people hold the intentions of humaneness and courtesy. A humane person loves others, and a courteous person respects others. One who loves others will always be loved by others. One who respects others will always be respected by others."   (Original Text: 君子所以異於人者，以其存心也。君子以仁存心，以禮存心。仁者愛人，有禮者敬人。愛人者人恆愛之，敬人者人恆敬之。)   From this, we can see Mencius' emphasis on love and respect, and that practicing these virtues brings good fortune (others loving and respecting us back). Elsewhere in the book, Mencius also mentions appropriateness and wisdom as other important virtues to cultivate.   Confucianism also teaches that of all virtues, filial piety comes first and is the most fundamental. Filial piety is about loving, respecting, and feeling grateful to our parents. After all, of all the people in our lives, our parents gave the most to us and love us most unconditionally. If we cannot even love and respect our own parents, how can we truly love and respect others? If our parents still complain about us, how would others not find fault with us once they get to know us well? Icon Sources: Flaticon Another very important quality of virtuous people is that they say what needs to be said, even if it might hurt our feelings, because it is truly for our long-term benefit. Of course, our feelings get hurt because our ego is too big, so we really need to work on our humility to attract honest friends. If we argue with people who give us honest advice and prefer people who flatter us, then we will attract immoral people and misfortune into our lives.   The above are all correct standards of goodness and virtue, and associating with these kinds of people will bring us good fortune. Of course, if we want these types of people to want to be our friends, we have to cultivate these virtues in ourselves first.   An Important Note: Some people might read this and think, " Oh my god, I have bad friends! I'm going to cut ties with them! ". Let's not be too rash and judgmental… If you're referring to cutting out social media and negative news, then sure, their feelings won't be hurt. But actual people have feelings, and if you just suddenly cut them off, you'll hurt their feelings! Doing unkind things like that won't help us attract kind people into our lives. The Analects of Confucius  mentions, "Exemplary people are respectful towards the worthy and tolerant towards the masses (common folk); they praise the virtuous and sympathize with the incapable." (Original Text: 君子尊賢而容眾，嘉善而矜不能。)   So even if someone is not as virtuous as we'd like, we shouldn't be judgmental. Instead, we ought to be understanding and tolerant. After all, they most likely never had good role models, and like everyone, they are just doing what they think is right and good, or they try doing their best to cope in their difficult situations.   It's also important to remember that people can change. Mencius taught that everyone has innate goodness , so if we role model good behavior for others, others will subconsciously learn that good behavior over time. Surely, our friends have helped us in the past, so it would be quite ungrateful to just cut off ties with them. We should at least try to advise them to join us on this journey to correcting faults and improving ourselves. If they're not interested in the path we want to go on, then over time, your paths will naturally start to distance away without any forcing needed.   2: Taking Responsibility For Our Lives And Results Like most people, when I heard how Pang Meng betrayed King Yi, the first thing that came to my mind was, " Wow that Pang Meng is such an ungrateful traitor! "   But the goal of learning philosophy is to improve ourselves, not to become more judgmental towards others. Thus, Mencius seized this teaching opportunity to tell us that King Yi is also at fault for his own demise. This greatly shocked his students (and me), which then leaves a deep impression in our memory. If King Yi has responsibility for his student betraying him, then how do we not have responsibility for the various "unfair" treatment that we get from those around us?   In Book 4A, Chapter 4 of The Mencius , there is a famous quote that says, "If you love others yet do not receive affection in return, reflect on your kindness. If you govern people yet do not attain order, reflect on your wisdom. If you are courteous to others yet they do not respond with courtesy, reflect on your respect. Whenever you don't get your intended results, reflect on yourself. When you correct yourself, the rest of the world will follow."   (Original Text: 愛人不親反其仁，治人不治反其智，禮人不答反其敬。行有不得者，皆反求諸己，其身正而天下歸之.)   From this quote arose the Chinese idiom, " When you don't get the results you want, reflect on yourself. " Image Source This reminds me of a quote from Jerry Colonna: "How have I been complicit in creating the conditions I say I don’t want?"   For example, I get annoyed when someone jumps to conclusions and wrongfully accuses me of something I didn't do, or at least I didn't have those intentions. Instead of blaming them for jumping to conclusions, I really should blame myself, because there's no way it's 100% their fault. I must've done something, or must've not done something (e.g., timely communication) to enable them to have that misunderstanding.   Moreover, we are surrounded by negative role models of people always pushing blame to other people or the outside world. If we want others to stop that, to reflect on themselves instead, then we have to be a role model first and plant those seeds of good behavior into their subconsciousness. Once those seeds are strong enough, their behavior will change without us having to directly tell them to change. But if we keep telling them to blame themselves instead, yet we don't even do it ourselves, they'll think, " Who are you to talk? You don't even walk your talk. "   Conclusion What kind of people do we associate with? Are their values aligned with virtues and good fortune? Or are they aligned with vices and misfortune? Whatever we want to attract, we have to embody first.   Also, the next time we think, " How could you treat me like that! ", we can pause and think about King Yi, and then ask ourselves, " But seriously. How could that person treat me like that? What is my portion of the fault here? How could I have prevented this? " Weekly Wisdom #325

There's a Zen saying that goes: “You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes a day. Unless you're too busy, then you should sit for an hour.”   When I first learned about meditation, I was a bit skeptical. Isn't sitting there doing nothing a waste of time? If I'm already so busy, isn't sitting there doing nothing going to make things worse for me?   I'm no expert when it comes to meditation, but after learning more about meditation from various teachers and actually practicing it for a few years, I now see the truth to that claim. Recently, I chatted with some friends about meditation, and I realized a lot of people don't understand meditation (like me when I first started), so I'm writing this article to help others gain a better understanding of meditation and hopefully benefit from it. Image Source: ChaptGPT Here is a clickable table of contents to help you navigate this article: Part 1: The Usefulness and Importance of Mediation Analogy 1: Cleaning The Home Analogy 2: Sharpening The Tool Analogy 3: Cleaning The Mirror Analogy 4: Letting The Water Settle Scientific Perspective Part 2: Ways to Meditate Mindfulness Meditation Breathing Meditation Body scan Meditation Visualization Meditation Loving-Kindness Meditation Mantra Meditation Other Meditative Activities Part 3: My Experience Breathing Meditation Visualization Mantra Chanting Longer Meditation Conclusion Part 1: The Usefulness and Importance of Mediation Billionaire investor Ray Dalio said, "The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your decisions." A quote attributed Einstein goes, "We cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them."   Most of our problems arise from a mental state of stress, worry, anxiety, fear, and other negative emotions. In these states, we are much more likely to make bad decisions, leading to bad consequences. Meditation helps us to calm our minds and achieve a state of tranquility, relaxation, and ease. When we are in this state, we can make better decisions and work more productively.   Happiness researcher Gretchen Rubin said, "Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree that a key—maybe the key—to a happy life is strong relationships."   The energy that we give others is the energy that we'll attract back . If we give others negative energy, such as impatience, blame, and annoyance, that will attract opposition, defensiveness, and annoyance from them as well. Meditation helps to bring out calm, kindness, and positive energy in us, and when we give that to others, it attracts that from them back, leading to happier relationships and more positive conflict resolution.   Over the years, I've heard some clever analogies that helped me understand the usefulness and importance of meditation.   Analogy 1: Cleaning The Home One analogy is that our mind is like a home that we live in. Our environment influences our state of mind, so if we live in a disordered environment, our mood will naturally become disordered. If we live in a clean and orderly environment, our mood will be good too. Throughout the days and years, our mind has accumulated a lot of dust and garbage, making the environment rather stuffy and dirty. Meditation is like cleaning the home and clearing out the garbage.   In other words, one goal of meditation is for our mind to feel light and refreshed afterwards. When we bring this kind of mood to our daily life, everything seems better. Moreover, cleaning needs to be done regularly, so meditation needs to be done regularly too.   Analogy 2: Sharpening The Tool Another analogy is that our mind is our most important tool. If we want to do things, we usually need tools, and the better the tool, the more effective our work. When we use our minds a lot, it gets tired and dull, just like a tool slowly gets worn out. Meditation is analogous to sharpening the tool. When our mind is clear and refreshed, it becomes sharp again, and we can do our work much more productively.   Analogy 3: Cleaning The Mirror A third analogy is that our mind is like a mirror, and wisdom is the ability to see things clearly. This blog is titled the Weekly Wisdom Blog, so of course, we value wisdom a lot here, and meditation is key to unlocking our innate wisdom. When the mind is tranquil, it is analogous to a clean mirror: it can see and reflect everything clearly, objectively, and holistically. When there is nothing in front of the mirror, the mirror has nothing in it. When something comes, the mirror reflects it clearly. When the thing leaves, the mirror becomes empty again.   Similarly, if we maintain a tranquil mind, then we can see everything with wisdom, allowing us to make effective decisions. When we don't need to use the mind, the mind is tranquil, still, empty, and at ease. When matters come, the mind is able to respond promptly, effectively, and with wisdom. When the matters leave, the mind returns to tranquility, stillness, and emptiness.   However, most of us have a dusty, agitated, and full mind. We have lots of wandering thoughts (dust) and biases (marks on the mirror), which prevent the mirror from reflecting things clearly, or even distorting the images. We often think of the past (marks left on the mirror) or worry about the future (making up an image when nothing is in front of the mirror).   Think back to a time when you made a bad decision. Did you make that decision in a calm, tranquil state of mind? Chances are, you probably made it in an agitated state of mind full of strong emotions, such as desire, anger, stress, impatience, annoyance, worry, anxiety, confusion, fear, even excitement.   When we are in a certain negative emotional state, thinking often exacerbates that state. For example, if I really want something that I know isn't good, then the more I think about it, the more those negative emotions grow. If I'm angry at someone, the more I think about it, the angrier I get. Of course, one way to treat those negative emotions is to bring out proper and moral thoughts, such as kindness , empathy and humility , but in that negative emotional state, this is quite difficult to do. Meditation helps to calm down our agitated state of mind and wipe that mirror clean. When we calm our minds down, we can finally notice the specks of dust (emotions and wandering thoughts) and marks (biases), notice the impact they are having on our state of mind, and choose to let it go or wipe it clean. In a tranquil state of mind, proper thoughts can arise much easier, and they will be much more powerful than in an agitated state of mind.   Analogy 4: Letting The Water Settle Yet another analogy along similar lines is that our mind is like a container of water. When the mind is tranquil and still, the water is still, and it reflects everything clearly. All our emotions and wandering thoughts are analogous to shaking that container of water, such that now there are ripples and bubbles, which then prevent the water from reflecting things clearly.   Meditation is analogous to letting that water calm down again. We notice the bubbles and ripples, and we stop shaking the container. We simply relax and calm down, we bring our awareness to the present moment rather than thinking about the past or future, and then those ripples and bubbles naturally fade away.   Scientific Perspective From a scientific perspective, our emotions correspond with our emotional brain, which is the inner brain (amygdala). Logical thinking corresponds with the pre-frontal cortex, which is the outer part of the brain. Image Source Normally, our pre-frontal cortex can exert control over our inner brain, and we can do things that we may not really want to do but that we know are good for us. However, when our emotions become excessive, even though we know doing something is not good, we can't seem to control ourselves. In other words, the emotional brain is too strong and the pre-frontal cortex can't control it with rationality. In this case, doing a calming activity like meditation helps the emotional brain calm down, then the pre-frontal cortex is able to take control with its rationality again.   Part 2: Ways to Meditate There are six common forms of meditation: Mindfulness meditation Breathing meditation Body scan meditation Visualization meditation Loving-kindness meditation Mantra meditation Other meditative activities   Note that these are not mutually exclusive, and you can combine different forms together if you like.   1: Mindfulness or Awareness Meditation Mindfulness meditation is basically practicing being in the present moment. That can involve focusing on our natural breathing, a sound, or bodily sensations, or we can observe our thoughts and emotions without judgment. We can sit down in a comfortable position, close our eyes (or keep them open but looking downwards), relax our shoulders and body, and then tune into the greater awareness that we all have.   We'll notice that we are not our thoughts and emotions. We'll notice that our thoughts and emotions are impermanent; they come and go, like clouds floating by in the sky. As our mind calms down deeper and longer, the clouds start to disappear, and the bright sun (representing our innate tranquility and wisdom) that was always there becomes clearly visible.   When we attune with the greater awareness inside of us, we detach ourselves from our thoughts and emotions, so that their reins on us become weaker. Instead, we become the master, and we can choose to ignore or let go of those thoughts and emotions. When we (as the greater awareness) notice the impermanent nature of our wandering thoughts and emotions, their effect on us becomes weaker.   In Buddhism, the practice of Zen is observing the impermanent nature of our thoughts and emotions and then letting them go, thereby achieving a mind of purity and tranquility. We all have the deeply ingrained habit of wandering thoughts, and these thoughts are analogous to dust falling on the mirror. But when we practice awareness and keep cleaning off that dust, eventually, less and less dust falls. When we maintain a mind of tranquility for a long enough time, our inner wisdom flows out.   From a physiological perspective, when our mind is tranquil, our pre-frontal cortex can bring out our rational and moral thoughts with more ease and strength, allowing us to overcome the inner brain's agitated thoughts and emotions.   A lot of people get frustrated at meditation because they feel like it's impossible to stop wandering stops from arising (I've been there too). But actually, the practice of meditation isn't to not have thoughts. The practice of meditation is to notice those thoughts arise, to remember that we are not those thoughts and emotions, that we have the power to ignore and let go of those thoughts and emotions, and then let them go and return to awareness of the present moment. Every time we do this, we strengthen our "meditation muscle".   An important point about mindfulness meditation is that we want to sustain this state of mindfulness and awareness outside the meditation. So when we get up from our meditation and go eat, we want to eat mindfully, chew slowly, and really taste the food. When we go outside for a walk, really notice the scenery and feel the fresh air. When we listen to someone talk, really give them our full attention rather than thinking about our response or other things. In this way, the benefits of meditation truly extend into our daily life as opposed to just when we're sitting down and meditating, allowing us to live more fully and appreciate life more.   2: Breathing Meditation This is basically like mindfulness meditation, except that the focus is on our breathing. There are so many unconscious physiological activities in that body that we cannot control, but one thing we can control is our breathing. This is really powerful because our state of mind and our breathing influence each other.   When we have negative emotions such as stress, anxiety, worry, anger, annoyance, fear, etc., our breathing changes. It usually becomes faster and more shallow, which corresponds to a state of fight-or-flight (sympathetic state). When we do breathing meditation, our goal is to calm the body with slow, deep breathing, which puts our body into a state of rest-and-repair (parasympathetic state). To do this, we want a longer exhale.   For example, we can inhale for a count of 4 and exhale for a count of 8, which is a 1:2 ratio of inhale to exhale. If that's too difficult, we can inhale for a count of 4 and exhale for a count of 6, or even inhale for a count of 4 and exhale for a count of 4. The longer the exhale, the stronger the relaxation effect.   If you've been doing a 1:2 ratio for a while and start to get sleepy, and you want to continue the meditation, then you can use a 1:1 ratio. Of course, doing breathing meditation before bed is a great way to induce sleepiness, and you can definitely do it lying down on the bed.   Aside from the inhalation to exhalation time ratio, we also need to breathe deeply. Shallow breathing goes into the chest. In breathing meditation, we want to breathe fully into the belly; this is called abdominal breathing. This kind of breathing really relaxes the body. We can also notice our body and muscles relaxing during the exhales.   3: Body Scan Meditation This type of meditation is often done to help relax before bed and fall asleep, though you can use it anytime to relax the mind and body. You can do this in a sitting position or lying down. Basically, we scan through the entire body from top to bottom. When we bring our awareness to that part of the body, we relax it.   For example, we start at the top of our head, and we imagine the muscles there becoming relaxed. Then we move to our forehead, and we imagine it becoming relaxed, those wrinkles removed. Then we move our awareness to our eyebrows and imagine them becoming relaxed. We continue on to the eyes, the nose, the cheeks, the jaws, the neck, the shoulders, the arms, the fingers, all the way down to the toes.   4: Visualization Meditation I learned about visualization meditation from Dr. Joe Dispenza in his books Becoming Supernatural  and Overcoming the Habit of Being Yourself . He explains that when we imagine or visualize something in our mind, our body responds as if it were real. For example, if we imagine a juicy orange entering our mouth, our mouth naturally starts to salivate even though there's no orange there!   In Overcoming the Habit of Being Yourself , he gave an example of a study from the 1992 Journal of Neural Psychology. Subjects were divided into three groups. Group A did a finger exercise for five one-hour training sessions per week for four weeks. Group B mentally rehearsed the same exercise on the same timetable without physically moving the finger. Group C did nothing (control group). At the end of the study, Group A had 30% greater finger strength than Group C. This is no surprise. But surprisingly, Group B had a 22% increase in finger strength! Similar experiments with participants practicing piano or doing bicep curls found similar results. This shows that visualization really does have a significant and noticeable impact on our body.   The body scan meditation mentioned earlier is kind of like a visualization meditation in that we are visualizing each part of the body becoming relaxed. We can also visualize calming scenes, like lying down on a warm beach, bathing in the warm sun, listening to the soothing sound of ocean waves. Our body will respond like we are really in that environment.   Dispenza also teaches us to use visualization to change our emotional habits and personality. This is very important because our emotions and thoughts create our energy field, and our energy field then attracts our reality, so when we have negative emotions, we tend to attract negative events, and when we have elevated emotions, we'll attract good events into our life. For more on this, check on my article on quantum physics and manifestation .   Image Source   For example, if we easily get angry at a certain person or situation, that anger will only make things worse. We can then use visualization meditation to change things. We can visualize ourselves encountering that person or situation, and responding in a calm and compassionate way. We do this over and over again in our mind, which literally changes the mental wiring in our brain, such that the next time we truly encounter this situation in real life, we are much more able to respond in the way we visualized.   Similarly, we can use visualization to prepare ourselves for the future events. For example, if you have a big presentation or interview coming up, you can visualize yourself being calm, smiling, and enjoying the process. It's also helpful to visualize the things that can go wrong, and then visualize ourselves responding in a calm manner and resolving the problem smoothly.   5: Loving-Kindness Meditation Dr. Dispenza explains that different emotions have different energy levels. Emotions related to stress, desire, anger, worry, and fear are all negative emotions, and they have a low energy level. On the other hand, elevated emotions like love, gratitude, and freedom have high energy, and these are good for us.   Loving-kindness meditation is a type of visualization meditation where we visualize loving energy inside of us, and then we give that loving energy to others. For example, we can imagine someone we love dearly, or simply imagine loving energy inside of us. Once we feel that love, we can imagine it as a ball of energy coming outside of us. Then let that loving energy grow and cover your whole body. Then send that energy to someone who you feel needs it, or to someone you dislike as a way to let go of your negative emotions towards them.   Loving-kindness meditation helps bring out a state of love and compassion. In this state, we naturally overcome negative emotions. It's kind of hard to feel stressed and upset when we feel a lot of love and gratitude in our hearts. After we get up from our meditation, we want to sustain that elevated state of love and compassion as long as possible, such that we give others a soothing energy in our interactions.   Moreover, when we truly feel elevated emotions, and we visualize ourselves giving that energy to others, they actually do benefit! In Becoming Supernatural , Dr. Dispenza describes experiments he did where he got a group of 550 to 1500 students together. Then he picked 50 to 75 people randomly to sit in the front of the room.   During the meditation session, the people all cultivated and sustained an elevated emotion. Then he told all the students to send the energy of their elevated emotions into the space of the whole room. Additionally, he told them to have the intention of wanting the greatest good or the students sitting in the front rows, for their lives to be enriched, their bodies healed, and mystical experiences to find them.   The result? All those people sitting in the front row got coherent and elevated emotions, measured by their electromagnetic fields, at the same time, in the same meditation, on the same day. They repeated this over and over and found consistent results, thereby proving that we can impact other people to feel elevated emotions with our elevated emotions.   Also, just from our own experiences, we know that emotions are contagious: if others give us a bad mood, our mood becomes bad too; if others give us a bright smile, we naturally feel better too.   6: Mantra Meditation I first learned about mantra meditation from the book Think Like a Monk  by Jay Shetty. He explains that a mantra is a spiritual sound expressing thought and meaning, and it summons a power greater than ourselves. "Mantra" literally means “to transcend the mind.”   Sound transports us to a different time and space. For example, when we hear a favorite childhood song, we are transported back to that time and space. Chanting a mantra uses the power of sound. Jay explains, “The repetition of sound purifies us. The sound is immersive, like giving our souls a regular bath. You can’t put one drop of water on your body and be clean—you have to go underneath the water.”   The oldest, most common mantra is Om , which has the meaning of "infinite knowledge". The vibrations from Om  have been shown to stimulate the vagus nerve, which decreases inflammation and calms the emotional brain.   If you don’t want to chant a spiritual sound, then you can use affirmations, which can be anything that inspires you, such as  “At your own pace, in your own time.” “This too shall pass.” "I'm happy, I'm healthy, I'm stress free." "I can do it." "Amor Fati" (which means love and embrace everything that happens)   I also learned about mantra meditation from Venerable Jing Kong, and he explained that the purpose of a mantra is to cease our wandering thoughts, thereby purifying the mind. A mantra has a meaning, but when a teacher gives a mantra to the student, the teacher doesn't tell the student the meaning. Therefore, the mantra has no meaning to the student, and so the student won't think about anything during the chanting. The student just keeps chanting that mantra in their head, and this mantra replaces all other thoughts. When we attain a state of single-minded focus on the mantra, wandering thoughts perish, and our inner wisdom flows out.   However, many people might not be willing to chant a mantra if they don't know what it means, so then we tell them what it means. For example, Venerable Jing Kong recommends us to chant "Amitabha". He explains that "Ah" means "non", "mita" means "to measure", "ba" means enlightenment, so "Amitabha" means "non-measurable amount of enlightenment", or "infinite enlightenment." It can also mean infinite life (time) and infinite light (space, wisdom). Who wouldn't want to have infinite life and light? Enlightenment includes many things. Venerable Jing Kong explained that the enlightened mind is one of sincerity, purity/tranquility, equality (no discrimination), wisdom, and compassion. These are all connected parts of one whole. When our mind is tranquil from meditation, our innate wisdom and compassion naturally flows out. Image Source So when chanting "Amitabha", we ideally don't think about anything. We just listen with awareness to our chanting. But wandering thoughts will inevitably arise. If we struggle to calm the mind down, then we can re-direct our mind towards visualization. We can also visualize ourselves emitting infinite light and bathing in that light, and this light gives us health and wisdom. After our mind calms down, we can return to pure mantra meditation. In daily life, we can also chant Amitabha in our minds, and when doing so, it should serve as a reminder to keep a tranquil, sincere, and compassionate mind towards everything we do and everyone we interact with.   7: Other Meditative Activities If meditation is just not your cup of tea, you can look for other activities that you enjoy and that have meditative qualities, making the mind feel relaxed and refreshed. Examples include yoga, Qigong, listening to soothing music, taking a warm bath, drawing, knitting, going for a run, etc. What works for each person is different, and it's important that you find what works for you.   Part 3: My Experience My first experience with meditation was in university. During exam season, everyone is very stressed, so my university had a meditation class for students. I attended, and there, I learned about visualizing my thoughts as clouds passing by in the sky, and relaxing the body through deep breathing. Overall, I had a good first experience with meditation.   Later, I experimented with all types of guided meditation. I also started learning Buddhism, and my teacher taught me to chant "Amitabha". Currently, I do both visualization and mantra meditation daily. Breathing Meditation I had a short period of time where I tried a form of breathing meditation called the Wim Hof breathing method . One session only takes 11 minutes, and I find that it's really effective at refreshing my mind. It's basically a short period of fast but deep breathing, followed by an extended period of breath holding, repeated three times. This breath holding lasts for over a minute, but it feels very easy and peaceful.   After doing it for a couple weeks, I even held my breath for three minutes. During the breath holding, my mind feels very clear and fresh. I remember one time, I got really angry at something, so I went to do this Wim Hof breathing, and after two sessions, I felt much better. If I ever need a quick way to calm down, I know I have this as a tool.   Visualization For visualization meditation, I do it for about five to ten minutes every morning. My goal is to become a better version of myself, to eliminate bad habits and create good ones. Basically, I think about common situations that make me upset or annoyed, and then I visualize myself responding to these situations in the way of a true philosopher. When I later encounter these situations in real life, I can more easily remember the ideal way I'd like to respond and actually behave that way, thereby manifesting a better future.   For example, I visualize people criticizing me unfairly (and if this happened recently, I'll re-play that scene in my head), and I visualize myself being calm and humble instead of annoyed and wanting to defend myself. I imagine myself saying, " Thank you for letting me know " instead of explaining myself and criticizing them back for jumping to conclusions. I then visualize them getting influenced by my calm and humble energy, and then they stop feeling the desire to criticize anymore. Other examples include being patient and calm when I am in a rush and when others delay my time, or being kind and respectful towards those who treat me rudely (I replay past events and visualize myself responding better).   Mantra Chanting As for mantra chanting, my teacher taught me that it's important to start off small and easy, and then gradually add more as our ability and endurance improves. If we start off trying to meditate for 30 minutes or an hour, we'll feel like it's too difficult to stay focused that long, and then we'll get demotivated and stop meditating. Therefore, I started off by chanting "Amitabha" out loud for just 10 minutes in the morning after my visualization meditation.   I also learned that the goal of mantra meditation is to enter a mental state of tranquility, like cleaning the mirror, or like letting the water settle down. We use the mantra "Amitabha" to replace all thoughts. If other thoughts arise, that's fine, just ignore them and bring your awareness back to the mantra. The analogy my teacher gave is that those wandering thoughts are like uninvited guests in your home (mind). The more you tell them to leave, the more attention they get, so they feel entertained and want to stay. But if you simply ignore them, they'll get bored of trying to annoy you, and they'll give up and leave.   When I do mantra meditation, I usually sit down in a lotus position, close my eyes, and chant very slowly (like Ahhhh, Meeeee, Taaaaa, Baaaaa). When I say these sounds, it's kind of like a long exhale, which helps to put my body into a parasympathetic state (rest and relaxation state). I don't breathe deeply though, I just breathe naturally, because my focus is on chanting the mantra, not on breathing. I focus my awareness on the sound of my chanting, on the sound traveling from my mouth to my ears, and on the silence between the syllables. I also focus on the movement of my mouth as I say the different syllables.   When I am able to focus my senses and awareness on the mantra, I can feel my mind becoming still, at ease, and relaxed, and when wandering thoughts do arise, I can notice it relatively quickly and then bring my attention back to the mantra. The morning session is great because my mind is relatively calm in the morning already, so the meditation feels easier. Starting the morning with a clear mind is a nice way to set the mood for the day.   I later thought to myself, " Maybe this would be a great way to refresh and sharpen my mind after it is tired from hours of mental work. " Hence, I decided to add another 10 minute meditation session in the evening after dinner. This is important for me because I continue doing mental work in the evenings.   At first, there were some days when I didn't want to meditate after dinner because I felt like I have too many things to do, and it's not worth the time to meditate. Then I remind myself that if I bring this impatient and agitated state of mind to my work, it's going to affect the quality. It's precisely because I feel like I have no time that I need to meditate and calm my mind down. Besides, it's just 10 minutes, can you really not spare 10 minutes?   So I go and meditate, and oftentimes, I'll suddenly remember something that I should do that I forgot about, or I'll suddenly think of a better way of doing things. When this happened multiple times, I was convinced that meditation is definitely worth the time! Even if this doesn't happen, I still reduce those feelings of anxiety and impatience, and I'm able to bring a more relaxed attitude and sharper mind to my work.   At night, I do mantra meditation and maybe with deep breathing while lying on the bed to help myself fall asleep. Since I chant in my head, I'm able to do deep breathing at the same time. I find that if I think about things that happened in the day or about the future, my mind tends to get agitated and go down rabbit holes. But if I chant "Amitabha" silently in my mind while doing deep breathing, it's much easier for me to fall asleep.   Moreover, the great thing about mantra meditation is that it's very convenient. We can do it anytime throughout the day so long as we don't need to do mental work. For example, we can chant the mantra in our mind while eating, doing chores, going for a walk, waiting in line, etc. One goal of the focused meditation sessions is to create a strong mental association between "Amitabha" and a feeling of tranquility. That way, whenever our emotional state becomes agitated during daily life, we just start chanting "Amitabha" in our mind, and we can immediately start to feel calmer. I also notice that when my mind is a bit agitated, and I start chanting Amitabha, the speed is usually rather fast, reflecting my state of mind. I then slow it down and breathe slower, thereby calming down my mind.   Longer Meditation My teacher also told me that if I really want to experience the benefits of mantra meditation, I need to make some time to go deep. Thus, I decided to try doing a two-hour meditation session once a week. The goal is to stay in that tranquil state of mind longer and to develop the habit of chanting the mantra without conscious effort. After all, "Amitabha" is the Buddha of infinite life and light, so we can develop the habit of always chanting "Amitabha" in our mind, we'll always be attracting good fortune and wisdom. Image Source   A two-hour meditation session is very different from a 10-minute one. If I sit there for 30 minutes with my eyes-closed, I start getting sleepy. Therefore, I changed my method to a walking meditation, where I walk around in a big circle while chanting "Amitabha". I still chant very slowly, and I take one step with each syllable.   I do find that walking around with my eyes open helps my mind stay alert, but it also makes it easier to have wandering thoughts. To help me focus, I use the ten-recitation method. Basically, I subconsciously keep count and chant 10 "Amitabha" as one cycle. I don't actually count "Amitabha 1, Amitabha 2, Amitabha 3…", but I know which count I'm on. If I get distracted by wandering thoughts, then I'll lose count, in which case I restart again at 1. If I got on a train of thought, I'll notice that my chanting speed unconsciously became faster than usual, in which case I adjust the speed back to a slower speed. Once in a while, I'll also pause after a cycle, which serves as a short test, then I start another cycle.   If I still have a lot of wandering thoughts even after using the ten-recitation method (which is common), I can add visualization. For example, I might visualize a field of light emitting from my body, expanding outwards towards my neighborhood, the Earth, and the whole universe, and this light brings tranquility and good fortune to everyone it touches. Or I imagine Amitabha Buddha above me, shining his light on me and giving me blessings.   Image Source If something repeatedly pops up in my mind during meditation, then I'll stop and tell myself, "Just let it go for this meditation session. Nothing bad will happen in 2 hours. After your meditation session, your mind will be calmer, and then you'll have more wisdom. Then you can think about it."   If my mind is really agitated, I also try sitting down, closing my eyes, and chanting very slowly. This usually helps to calm my mind down. If I get sleepy, then I'll start doing walking meditation again. So timely adjustments during meditation is very important. Other times, if I've already been meditating for quite a while, I'll stop, stretch for a minute, and then continue; this serves as a short break for the mind. After all, focus takes energy. If I get tired from walking, I can sit down and meditate. But after doing this for a few weeks, I'm able to do the walking meditation for the full two hours.   Similar to the evening meditations, I sometimes remember important things that I have to do, or I get sudden ideas during meditation. I'm not trying to get these, but they just come up. In that case, I will write it down on my phone and then keep meditating.    After a few weeks of practicing mantra meditation, I started to notice that the mantra sometimes arises in my mind by itself, and it sort of chants in the back of my mind without too much conscious effort. Moreover, when I get impatient, annoyed, or flustered, I can more easily remember to chant Amitabha and breathe slower, and I do feel that it helps me to calm down.   When my mind is more serene and still from meditation, I can really notice when other people's minds are agitated (by the speed of their speech and movements). When this happens, I don't become agitated with them; instead, I make a conscious effort to chant the mantra in my head and maintain my serenity. When they notice my calmness, they might get influenced too.   Conclusion Everyone agrees that we need to make time to brush our teeth, to take a shower, to clean the house. Well, meditation is very similar, except it's cleaning our mind. A clear mind is the root of good decision making and mental effectiveness, so meditation is very important and useful.   Moreover, happy relationships are key to a happy life, and if we want happy relationships, we need to bring positive energy to our everyday interactions because the energy we give others is the energy we'll attract back . Meditation helps us to bring out elevated emotions like compassion, gratitude, and joy. When we give this kind of energy to others, we will attract that kind of energy back.   So seriously, if you don't have time to meditate, you probably need it even more. There are many forms of meditation out there, and it's worth the effort to experiment with them and find a method that works for you. Weekly Wisdom # 323

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about the Chinese term 順 (pronounced "shwun"), which can be translated to many English terms, including flow, following their wishes, yielding, according with, smooth, unobstructed, being in the same direction. The opposite of 順 would be obstruction, stagnation, resistance, opposition.   Smooth flow is extremely important. If our blood flow or air flow become obstructed, our lives would be in danger. If our emotions get obstructed, we'd feel bad, like there's something stuck inside. If this obstruction and repression accumulates, our emotions either explode in the future or create mental illness. If communication doesn't flow smoothly, misunderstandings and conflicts arise. If communication is completely obstructed, then that relationship is in jeopardy.   In the past, I used to think that when we encounter obstacles in life, we need to find ways to remove or destroy that obstacle. This kind of attitude is one of opposition and resistance, which is "non-flow".   Later, I read this quote by the Daoist sage Lao Zi in Chapter 8 of the Dao De Jing : The highest good [i.e. most excellent of] human beings resemble water. Water excels at nourishing the ten thousand things (all things) and does not contend with them. Because it resides in places everyone detests, it remains closest to the Dao. In residing it excels at choosing the right place, its heart excels at preserving calmness and tranquility, in interacting with others, it excels in sincerity and kindness, in speaking it excels at remaining true to its word, in governing it excels at handling its affairs efficiently, in its dealings it excels at making the most of its strong suits, in its activities it excels at grasping opportunities. It is only because it has the virtue of not engaging in contending that there will be no condemnation.   (Translation by Guyin Chen in The Annotated Critical Laozi , 2020)   There's a lot of information in that passage, and I previously wrote about this passage in another article called The Supreme Goodness is Like Water . In this article, I want to do a "deep dive" on water's exceptional ability to "flow".   Image Source: ChatGPT When water encounters an obstacle, like a rock, it simply flows around the obstacle. As a result, neither the water nor the rock gets hurt. This is a completely different mindset than my previous one. Obstacles are external matters and people, and they are outside our control. Just because we want to remove or destroy an obstacle doesn't mean we actually can.   When we want something but can't get it, we become stuck. We stop flowing. It's analogous to being blocked by a rock because we ourselves are rigid and stiff like a rock. When rock collides against rock, what happens? Everyone gets hurt. Maybe even innocent bystanders get hurt by collateral damage, by the pieces that come flying out from the collision. This is analogous to us wanting someone or something to be different, but the external obstacle refuses to grant our wish, and then we get frustrated and angry, destroying our own peace of mind and dumping negative energy onto others. That’s quite miserable, no?   So then the big question is, how can we emulate water and continue flowing despite obstacles? The Chinese term 順 and Lao Zi's quote from earlier give us many insights. We need to practice Following others' wishes (Going with their flow) Being soft and supple Being humble Holding kind intentions Being tactful and grasping opportunities (Redirecting their flow) Maintaining tranquility   1: Follow Others' Wishes (Go With Their Flow) As mentioned before, 順 means to follow others' wishes, to yield to them, to accord with them, to go in the same direction as them. If we go with the theme of water, we can think of it as "going with their flow" rather than "going against their flow".   Lao Zi's quote from earlier said water has "the virtue of not engaging in contending". That means if others want something that goes against my wishes, I don't feel the desire to fight with them. Instead, I can yield and follow their wishes (at least in the short-term). In this way, there is no contention, no collision.   This philosophical pill might be a bit of a hard one to swallow for many of us. We might think, "Seriously? I just have to yield and concede defeat and let them win?" If we think like that, our emotions will become blocked, and we will either explode or become mentally ill over the long-term. This is misinterpreting Lao Zi's meaning.   "Following others' wishes" is on the level of behavior. On a deeper level, at the level of our mind and intentions, we need to incorporate the virtues of softness, humility, kindness, tranquility, and tact. When the matter isn't a big deal, which is most of the time, we need to practice going with their flow. When the matter is truly a big deal, then we need to practice going with their flow for the time-being, and then redirecting their flow tactfully in the future. In this way, we will always be flowing.   2: Be Soft and Supple In Chapter 76 of the Dao De Jing , Lao Zi said, When people are alive, their bodies are soft and supple, when they are dead they become rigid and stiff. When grasses and woods are growing, their shape and substance are soft and crisp; when they die, they become dry and withered. So, strong and firm things belong to the same category as dead things, soft and supple things belong to the same category as living things. Thus, stubbornly using soldiers (or resorting to arms) will invite extermination and death; trees that are large and solid invite cutting. Everything that is strong and large does, paradoxically, belong to the lower positions; and everything that is soft and supple does, paradoxically, belong to the higher positions.   (Translation by Guyin Chen in The Annotated Critical Laozi , 2020)   In other words, if we want to be able to flow like water, we need to practice being soft and supple. When the body is soft, supple, and flexible, it can withstand external force without breaking. Similarly, when the mind is soft, supple, and flexible, it can handle unsatisfactory matters and people without becoming frustrated, upset, or stressed, and this is true "winning" because we are in "the category of living things" and "paradoxically belong to the higher positions".   If instead, we have a stubborn personality, and we try to use strength and force to get what we want, to force things and people to obey us, then as Lao Zi says, we "paradoxically belong to the lower positions" and will "invite extermination and death".   Being soft and supple is to be adaptable and flexible. There is a great Stoic teaching from Marcus Aurelius that resonates with Lao Zi's teaching: "While it's true that someone can impede our actions, they can't impede our intentions and our attitudes, which have the power of being conditional and adaptable. For the mind adapts and converts any obstacle to its action into a means of achieving it. That which is an impediment to action is turned to advance action. The obstacle on the path becomes the way."   To give an analogy, our GPS system is very adaptable. When we input a destination, the GPS calculates the best route for us. If there's a road closure and we need to take a different route, or if we simply choose to take a different route, the GPS doesn't complain or agonize about unexpected problems. It promptly recalculates another route for us that allows us to get to the same destination. In summary, the supple and adaptable mind is living and flowing. The rigid and stubborn mind is dying and obstructed.   3: Be Humble Lao Zi observed that water resides in the low places that "everyone detests". This symbolizes humility. Only arrogant people would think that they are "above" others, that others should obey them, that the world centers around them, or that they are definitely right and others are definitely wrong.   Many of us might think, " I'm not that arrogant ". Arrogance has degrees. Even if we usually respect others and don't look down on others, if we encounter conflict and are unwilling to yield, that shows we still have some degree of arrogance. Realistically speaking, everyone has the habit of being arrogant to some degree, kind of like how so many people have the habit of slouching. Oftentimes, we aren't even aware of it until someone points it out to us.   A humble person views others as "above" them, and so they have respect for everyone.   Image Source: ChaptGPT To be clear, this does not literally mean everyone is above us in terms of their position. For example, parents are obviously above children, teachers are obviously above students, leaders are above followers, etc. But even in a position of higher power, we ought to keep a humble attitude, and that means focusing on improving myself rather than on demanding others or the environment to change. As Confucius said, “When walking with two other people, I will always find a teacher among them. I focus on those who are good and seek to emulate them, and focus on those who are bad in order to be reminded of what needs to be changed in myself.”   (Translation by Edward Slingerland in Confucius Analects , 2003)   When we keep a humble attitude, we no longer get frustrated and obstructed by matters and people who go against our wishes. Why? Because we are focused on how we  can improve ourselves , which is totally in our control, rather than on how the external matter or person should be different, which is outside our control.   When humble people encounter problems, they don't think, " Ugh, why am I so unlucky? Why is nothing going my way? ". They might think, " I'm not the king of the world. It's normal for things to not go according to my wishes. But I can learn and improve myself from this. This is necessary practice for me to improve my adaptability and resourcefulness. "   When humble people encounter conflicts with others, they don't think, " You need to listen to me! " They might think, " They are my teacher. They are teaching me to notice my own faults. If I view them as stubborn and inconsiderate, then I probably am the same. After all, it takes two to argue. I need to correct myself, not demand them to change. As soon as I change, I gain a sense of ease and peace of mind. "   Or they might think, "They are teaching me to notice my triggers. If they can so easily anger me by bringing up that topic, then that's my problem. If I want true freedom and peace of mind, I need to resolve my internal problems rather than always demand others to not talk about it."   As a result, a humble person is able to smoothly flow around all obstacles while improving themselves in the process. Despite their improvement, they always think that they still reside in a low position, thereby enabling their continued flow and growth. For more on humility, check out the article Fortune Favors The Humble .   4: Hold Kind Intentions The purpose of following others' wishes should be to make them happy. Holding the intention to make others happy is kindness. Lao Zi said that " water excels at nourishing all things "; this is also kindness.   Some people might think, " Why should I let go of what I want to make others happy? Isn't that going to make me unhappy? Isn't sacrificing myself for others unsustainable? "   If we truly believe that we are sacrificing ourselves for others, then we will indeed be unhappy, and our emotions will feel blocked, and we will explode later or get mental illness. This would be misinterpreting Lao Zi's meaning.   Think about it: If we become happy at the expense of others' happiness, how long can you remain happy? How long will it be before others try to get back at you? If the people around you are unhappy, can you really feel happy and not be affected by their negative energy? On the other hand, if we help others be happy, they would be very grateful to us, and they would give us positive energy. Humans have the natural tendency to feel good after helping others. Therefore, helping others be happy is truly helping ourselves to be happy.     Practicing kindness also helps us to dampen our ego and our stubborn attachment to I , to what I want, to what I  think. This stubborn attachment to I  is the root of our suffering and conflicts, and practicing "selflessness"  (no I ) is key to dampening that attachment.   The practice of kindness complements the practice of humility. Sometimes, when we help others, we have this attitude of "I'm helping you", as if they are in a low position and need our help, and we are in a high position with the power to help them or not. If we have this kind of attitude, then the other person may feel disrespected and unhappy. Therefore, we need to remember that real kindness is humble .   When we hold the intention of kindness, it's hard to get obstructed by others. If they don’t like something, we'll simply look for a different way to benefit them. We go with their flow rather than crash into them.   5: Be Tactful and Grasp Opportunities By now, some people are probably wondering, " What if what they want is bad for them? What if what they want is really unreasonable? What if I really cannot give them what they want? "   Even in these situations, it's certainly not helpful if we are stubborn, rigid, and fight with them. That would be rock colliding against rock. Although we might not be able to grant them their wish, we can still "go with their flow" and "go with the flow of the situation" for the time being, and then later redirect their flow tactfully. It's kind of like in martial arts, if they throw a punch in our direction, we don't push in the opposite direction. Instead, we dodge it, then we take their fist and redirect it to a different direction (that's my imagination of martial arts anyway). For example, let's say you and your partner are making plans for the winter holidays. Your partner really wants the two of you to go on a vacation to Japan. However, you really don't think it's a good idea because it's expensive, time-consuming, you guys don't know Japanese, and you're just not that interested in Japan. You'd much rather visit somewhere nearby and cheap for a shorter amount of time.   When you two are discussing, they bring up Japan. You don't need to accept their suggestion right away; if you have a different idea, it's certainly fine to propose it. Just propose it in a calm and non-confrontational way. For example, we might say, " I can see you're very interested in Japan, but I would prefer somewhere closer and cheaper. I'd like a short and sweet vacation nearby. Would you be OK with that? "   Now imagine they say, " We always go somewhere close and cheap. I've been talking about Japan for so many years now! Can't you just go with me and try it? "   We can clearly see that they are upset. In other words, they've become rigid and stiff like a rock. If we also become like a rock, we will collide with them, and everyone will get hurt. So we don't want to reply with annoyance and say, " That's because Japan is outside our budget and time! Besides, if we travel somewhere, it should be somewhere we both want to go, not just you alone! "   When the other person is like rock, we need to emulate water. We need to go with their flow and temporarily follow their wishes. We can respond by saying, " Oh I'm sorry for making you feel frustrated. You're right, I should give it some more serious thought. How about we both do some more research into the costs and time of the trip to see how feasible it is? "   The purpose of doing this is because we know that in their current mental state of opposition, they cannot accept our point of view; they'll just find every reason to assert their view. Moreover, if we want them to listen to us, then we also need to listen to them. Otherwise, they'll feel it's unfair that they always have to yield to us and we never yield to them. Therefore, we temporarily go with their flow and go with the flow of the situation. Later, when they've calmed down (and when we're calm), then we tactfully redirect their flow.   For example, we go and look up some flight tickets. We might say, " I looked for round-trip flights, and there really isn't any that is within our budget. I also looked up some major attractions, and they are spread out over multiple cities, so we might not have the time to see all of them. For the money we'd spend on a few days in Japan, we could pay a whole month of bills. What do you think? "   At this point, they are much less likely to oppose us or get upset because we've followed their direction and actually put in effort to fulfill their wish. Since they are not upset right now, they can listen to reason better, so we just bring up these objective facts and ask them to reconsider.   Another way of redirecting their flow is to find other ways to let them have what they want, but in a way that is more reasonable and feasible. For example, we could say, " You know what, you're right. You've been talking about Japan for a few years now, and as your partner, I really should try harder to help you fulfill this dream. This year, I didn't prepare enough. Now that I realize how important this is to you, how about next year, we save $200 every month by eating out less and cutting out that Netflix subscription, and then at the end of the year, we use the money saved to go to Japan? Since we can't go this year, how about we do an anime marathon day instead? I'll accompany you to watch your favorite anime for a whole day. " Or you could seize the opportunity to make a deal. For example, " I know you really want to go to Japan, and you know I don't really want to. But like you said, partners should help fulfill each other's wishes. How about we make a deal? If you agree to wash the dishes next year and save $100 per month, I'll agree to go to Japan with you at the end of next year. " When it comes to yielding, another important factor to consider is who plays the lead role and who plays the support role. The lead role should get more decision-making power because they are in the driver seat, and they have to bear most of the consequences. It would be inappropriate for someone in the passenger seat to interfere with the driver by trying to grab the steer wheel. However, the lead role should still try their best to be kind and patient in helping those in the support roles to accept the decision.   For example, my grandmother got injured recently and was in a lot of pain, so she wanted to get some western medicine injections to reduce the pain. When we searched up that injection, we read that it's just a short-term bandage solution, and that the pain will come back later, and the injection has bad side effects.   My parents and I tried to persuade her to see a Chinese medicine doctor in addition to western medicine. She refused and was insistent that Chinese medicine won't be of use and that it's a waste of money. We said we can pay for the treatments. She still refused.   My dad later called a Chinese medicine doctor friend and asked my grandma to talk to him. After the call, she got very angry and told my dad to drop the idea of Chinese medicine. I then discussed it with my dad, and we decided to just follow her wish. Why? Because she is in the driver seat of her life. We play supporting roles in the passenger seats. It would be inappropriate for us to force her to do something she doesn't want to do even if we think it's good for her.   Imagine if we forced her to get Chinese medicine treatment. She'll be very resentful. Even if she gets better, she'll think it could've been better without the Chinese medicine treatment. And if a problem arises during the Chinese medicine treatment, that'd be fire on top of fire. So even though we really hope she could add some Chinese medicine treatment with the western medicine treatment, we ultimately still have to go with her flow because she is the lead role.   But if she experiences negative side effects later, we can then seize the opportunity to bring up the idea of Chinese medicine again in a kind and humble manner. Moreover, we already got advice on what type of foods she should and should not eat in her situation, and we can cook these types of foods for her. This is giving her Chinese medicine treatment without needing to spend money on herbs or to see a Chinese medicine doctor.   The ways to practice tact and redirecting their flow are endless. The important thing is to grasp the essence of all these examples, which is to be adaptable, supple, humble, and kind. One more very important factor needed is wisdom, and wisdom comes from tranquility.   6: Maintain Tranquility Lao Zi said that water "e xcels at preserving calmness and tranquility. " If we want to be able to think of wise and tactful solutions to our problems, we have to practice maintaining a mental state of calmness and tranquility. Think about it: who has a clear and rational mind when they are overly emotional?   There are many ways to cultivate tranquility. One way is to have a daily meditation practice, and I explain this more in my article Meditation Is Worth It . By meditating daily, we practice maintaining a state of calm and tranquility both during the meditation and in daily life.   Moreover, all the virtues mentioned earlier all help us to cultivate tranquility. When we practice adaptability and softness, then when we encounter obstacles, we don't think, " Ugh I'm so annoyed! Why is this happening to me! " Instead, we can remain calm and think, " Obstacles are normal. How can I adapt to this? "   When we practice humility, we'll think, " What can I learn from this? How can I improve myself from this? "   When we practice kindness and selflessness, we'll think, " Their happiness is my happiness. I need to dampen my ego and prioritize harmony. "   It's also important to keep the long-term perspective in mind. We can yield in the short-term to achieve a greater goal in the longer-term. This is going with their flow in the short-term and redirecting their flow later.   Conclusion There's a Chinese idiom that goes, "The unsatisfactory things in life make up eighty to ninety percent."   In other words, smooth sailing (or flowing) in life is not the norm. For most of us, encountering obstruction and resistance is the norm. Things don't go according to our wishes, and people don't behave according to our expectations. This is referring to the regularity of external obstacles.   But is our internal flow dependent on external flow? As we've seen, if we are rigid and stiff, then we'll frequently become obstructed, both emotionally and in terms of the matter. But if we can emulate water, our mind will be supple and adaptable, and we can freely flow around all these obstacles.   When the obstacle is another person, it's important to "go with their flow" and "go with the flow of the situation". This doesn't mean begrudgingly yielding to them. Rather, we cultivate our suppleness, humility, kindness, and wisdom through the process of going with their flow.   Usually, the matters are not a big deal, so it's even more so that we should go with their flow. On the rare occasion that the matter is a big deal, and we are confident that they have the wrong idea, then we can't keep going with their flow. We need to advise them. If they refuse to listen, then we yield in that moment, and we wait for a better time to try to redirect their flow with tact.   We also need to consider who's the lead role here. If they are the lead role, then our job is simply to advise, not to make the decision. If after listening to our advice, they still insist on their way, then we should yield because they are the ones responsible for the consequences, so they get the decision-making power.   If we are in the lead role, then we get the final say, but we still need to do our best to be kind and patient in persuading those in the support role; otherwise, there will be more obstacles in the future. While how others feel and what others do is outside our control, as long as we know we tried our best to be kind and respectful, we can have peace of mind and be at ease.   How can you have more flow in your life? Weekly Wisdom #324

Welcome to this article series on Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). The aim of this series is to provide you with foundational and practical knowledge of TCM that you can use to improve your own health at home in daily life. The recommendations in this series are simple, accessible, and mostly free. After all, good health should be something that is accessible to everyone!   Here is a clickable table of contents for this series: Introduction and Foundation The Five Elements Profiles Food and Cooking The Five Major Organs The Nine Body Constitutions   The Body Clock Common Treatments from a Practitioner My Experience with TCM Health Advice From Doctors At A Chinese Medicine Hospital Sleep Tips from Traditional Chinese Medicine Emotions and Health   This article is Part 11: Emotions and Health. Question: Do our emotions affect our physical health? In the past, I used to think that our physical body is totally separate from our emotional life. After all, whenever I get sick, I take a pill that changes physiological factors. No one ever told me to manage my emotions to treat health problems.   Later, I learned that our emotions are indeed related to our physical health. For example, it's common knowledge in western medicine that anger raises blood pressure, and stress weakens the immune system. From a Chinese medicine perspective, emotions play a huge role in our health. Dr. Clara Cohen, host of the Acupro Academy podcast, often says, "70% of chronic issues according to TCM are related to emotional stress. It could be years of the same emotions, like worry, overthinking, trauma, fear, anxiety; all those things change us at the cellular level and make us sick." This article will cover the impact of various emotions on our health, how to nurture a healthy mind, and ways to regulate negative emotions. Here is a clickable table of contents: 1: Various Emotions And Their Impact On Health 1.1: Anger 1.2: Joy (Overstimulation and Craving) 1.3: Sadness 1.4: Worry 1.5: Pensiveness 1.6: Fear 1.7: Shock 2: TCM Advice For Nurturing The Mind 2.1: Have a kind heart 2.2: Have a clear conscience 2.3: Often do good deeds 2.4: Reduce desires 2.5: Often reflect on one's character cultivation 3: TCM Advice For Regulating Negative Emotions 3.1: Shift your focus to something positive 3.2: Reframe the situation 3.3: Get therapy and guidance 3.4: Practice deep breathing Conclusion Part 1: Various Emotions And Their Impact On Health I'm currently reading The Foundations of Chinese Medicine  by Giovanni Maciocia, and chapter 20 of this book really opened my eyes to the relationship between emotions and physical health. The book mentions that external pathogenic factors like heat, cold, and wind have to go through our skin and muscles before they can affect our internal organs, but emotions injure the internal organs directly. To be clear, Chinese medicine isn’t saying emotions are bad, nor does it over-emphasize the role of emotions. In the Chinese medicine perspective, emotions within certain amounts are fine and normal, but they can become causes of disease when they are long lasting, intense or both. In other words, emotions become causes of disease when we cannot control them and they instead control us. Below are some examples of emotions and their impact on our health from chapter 20.   (Disclaimer: This article is not meant to be medical advice or diagnosis. It is purely for educational purposes to help us understand the importance of managing emotions for our health and methods to do so.)   1.1: Anger The term "anger" should be interpreted broadly to include similar emotions such as resentment, irritability, frustration, rage, hatred, bitterness, and repressed anger. A person who has chronic or intense anger may experience symptoms such as headaches, dizziness, tinnitus, red face, and stiff neck.   If a person regularly gets angry 1-2 hours after meals, then anger will affect the intestines and can cause symptoms like abdominal pain, distention, and altering between constipation and diarrhea.   In Chinese medicine, different emotions have a primary organ that they affect. All emotions affect the Heart, and anger primarily affects the Liver. The Liver has a support role in digestion, which is why getting angry after meals hurts digestion. Each organ also has a meridian (channel) of points that acupuncturists and massage therapists use to treat patients. The third point on the Liver meridian is called Taichong, and it is a good acupoint that we can massage at home to alleviate the symptoms of anger. Image Source   1.2: Joy (Overstimulation and Craving) The term "joy" in this case is not a healthy state of contentment but rather one of excessive excitement and craving. Contentment is healthy and helps the mind be peaceful and relaxed, which benefits the body's digestion and immune system. Examples of things that lead to excessive stimulation include things like recreational drugs, alcohol, advertising, ambition, and even sex.   Overstimulation primarily affects the Heart and can lead to symptoms such as heart palpitations, over-excitability, insomnia, restlessness, and incessant talking. Some people get migraines after the sudden excitement of hearing exciting news. Sometimes, sudden laughter triggers a heart attack. Children who get overexcited can end up in tears. These are all examples of the harm of overstimulation and over-excitement.   1.3: Sadness Sadness includes the emotions of grief and regret (when you can't stop thinking about a past mistake). Sadness mainly affects the Lungs and Heart, and it can lead to symptoms such as breathlessness, tiredness, discomfort in the chest, depression, and crying.    Sadness can also affect the Ethereal Soul (you can think of it as a component of our mental health), which can lead to symptoms such as mental confusion, depression, lacking a sense of direction in life, inability to plan one's life, and anxiety.   The seventh point on the Lung meridian is called Lieque, it is a good acupoint that we can massage to alleviate sadness. Image Source   1.4: Worry Worry is one of the most common emotional causes of disease in our society. It mainly affects the Lungs and the Spleen (in Chinese medicine, the Spleen is responsible for digestion, and it includes some functions of the pancreas and liver in the western medicine sense).   Worry can cause symptoms involving the Lungs, such as an uncomfortable feeling of the chest, slight breathlessness, tensing of the shoulders, a dry cough, weak voice, and a pale complexion.   Spleen symptoms include poor appetite, slight epigastric (upper middle area of the abdomen) discomfort, abdominal distention (feeling bloated), tiredness, and pale complexion. Chinese medicine explains that the mind and physical body are interconnected, and the state of our organs affect the state of our mind. When the Spleen is healthy, we can focus on the object of our study or work. When the Spleen is disturbed by worry, it leads to constant thinking, brooding, and worrying about certain events in life.   Worry can also affect the Heart, leading to palpitations, a feeling of tightness in the chest, and insomnia.   The acupoint Lieque (mentioned earlier) is also a good acupoint to deal with worry.   1.5: Pensiveness Pensiveness is similar to worry, but it's more about brooding, constantly thinking about certain events or people (without worrying), nostalgic hankering after the past, and generally thinking intensely about life rather than living in it. Calm contemplation is fine, but if this contemplation becomes excessive, then it can become pensiveness. In extreme cases, pensiveness leads to obsessive thoughts. In a different sense, pensiveness can also refer to excessive mental work in the process of one's work or study.   Pensiveness mainly affects the Spleen and can cause symptoms such as poor appetite, epigastric (upper middle area of the abdomen) discomfort, and abdominal distention (feeling bloated). Pensiveness can also affect the Heart and lead to palpitations, a slight feeling of tightness in the chest, and insomnia.   The third point on the Spleen meridian is called Taibai, and massaging it is a good way to deal with pensiveness. Image Source   1.6: Fear Fear includes both chronic fear and a sudden fright. Fear mainly affects the Kidneys and the Heart.   If the Heart is strong, then fear will cause Qi (energy) to descend, which can lead to symptoms such as involuntary urination, bedwetting, and diarrhea. If the Heart is weak, fear can make Qi rise, leading to symptoms such as heat in the face, night sweating, palpitations, dry mouth and throat, and malar flush (a rash on the nose and cheeks).   The ninth point on the Kidney meridian is called Zhubin, and massaging it is a way to deal with fear. Image Source Also, nourishing the Liver and Gallbladder can help a person be less fearful. This can be done by managing stress, massaging their respective meridians, sleeping before 11PM, and eating leafy greens.   1.7: Shock Shock causes a sudden depletion of Qi, makes the Heart smaller, and may lead to palpitations, breathlessness, and insomnia.   The seventh point on the Heart meridian is called Shenmen, and massaging it can help deal with shock. Also, since all emotions affect the Heart, Shenmen is a good point to use in all emotional problems. Image Source   Here is a picture to summarize the above mentioned acupoints: (Note that these are by no means an exhaustive list. A TCM professional would be able to make a professional judgment on which points are most suited to each person's unique situation.) Part 2: TCM Advice For Nurturing The Mind The above information is from the textbook The Foundations of Chinese Medicine . Now that we know the impact of emotions on our physical health, we probably want to know some methods for managing our emotions. This textbook doesn't go into detail on this aspect, but I previously read another textbook that does. The book is called Chinese Medicine Health Maintenance (the book is in Chinese, and its Chinese title is 中医养生学) by Guanglie Ma (马烈光) and Lisheng Jiang (蒋力生), and chapter 4 is all about nurturing  the mind and regulating emotions. The book says that nurturing the mind is the core of health maintenance in Chinese Medicine (that's a big difference from western medicine!), and that if one's mind is well cared for, then one's emotions and organs will be in harmony, and one will have a long, healthy life. How do we nourish the mind? By cultivating our morality and virtues, thereby making us less reactive to external circumstances and better able to keep a positive and relaxed attitude in life.   (Side note: I was quite fascinated when I read this because I am studying ancient philosophies, and ancient philosophers all emphasize the importance of cultivating morality and virtues, but I was not expecting ancient Chinese doctors to do the same! But once I understood the impact of emotions on our physical health, it totally makes sense.)   Specifically, the book gives five methods to nourish the mind: Have a kind heart Have a clear conscience Often do good deeds Reduce desires Often reflect on one's moral cultivation Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5   2.1: Have a kind heart By always holding kindness in our heart, we can maintain harmony with other people. Naturally then, we would be free from worry and have a happy state of mind, which promotes longevity. In order to nurture our kindness, we should frequently put ourselves in other's shoes. When we see other people suffering or unhappy, we can empathize with them, then we'd naturally want to help them be happier just like we'd want ourselves to be happy. When we see other people's goodness, we can notice and feel how happy and peaceful their heart is from being a good person, and then we can encourage ourselves to emulate them. When we see other people's immoral behavior, we should try to understand why they would do such behavior. Then we wouldn't be so critical and harsh. Instead, we would try to influence and inspire them to change by setting a good role model ourselves.   2.2: Have a clear conscience People who don't do immoral things, such as harming others out of anger or envy, or cheating others for one's own gain, will have a clear conscience. They have nothing to hide, so they always feel at ease. People who do immoral things will often live in fear of being exposed or of losing what they gained.   2.3: Often do good deeds People who often help others and do good deeds have a big heart. These people are usually very positive and happy, and they are rarely afflicted by worry, anger, and other negative emotions. Doing good deeds can catalyze the goodness we have inside of us, helping us to feel warm and pleasant, as well as alleviate our stress and negative emotions. On the other hand, having a small heart and only caring about oneself will only increase one's negative emotions and harm one's health.   2.4: Reduce desires In chapter 19 of the Dao De Jing , the Daoist philosopher Laozi recommends us to "preserve simplicity and reduce selfish desires." Just to be clear, reducing selfish desires is not the same as having no desires. The meaning here is to dampen our desires for things like reputation (wanting to look good in others' eyes), wealth, and sensual pleasures (sights, sounds, smells, tastes, touch).   When desires are excessive and we over-indulge in them, that will harm our health. Those who have strong and abundant desires are never contented. Their mind is full of thoughts and agitation, resulting in their mind and spirit never being at ease.   On the other hand, if we overly pressure ourselves to block all desires, then that can create feelings of gloominess and depression. Thus, the Middle Way  is very important. Desires and emotions ought to be in a suitable amount and tempered with reason and rationality. When we moderate our desires, our mind and spirit can calm down and become tranquil, which then brings harmony and peace to our mind and body.   2.5: Often reflect on one's character cultivation The above mentioned points all relate to cultivating our moral character. These are all good for our mental and physical health. Another important aspect is frequent self-reflection.   A great role model is Zengzi, who is a student of Confucius. He said, "Every day I examine myself on three things: in serving others, have I been fully devoted and done my best? In interacting with friends, have I been trustworthy? For the lessons I've received and will give, have I reviewed and practiced them?"   Similarly, we can set a time every day to self-reflect on whether our actions, speech, and thoughts this day accords with our conscience and meets our aspirations for ourselves.   Part 3: TCM Advice For Regulating Negative Emotions The above are ways to increase positive emotions like contentment, peace, and serenity. But in life, we will all encounter difficult situations and have strong negative emotions. How can we regulate our emotions when this happens? The book gives us four major methods: Shift your focus Reframe the situation Get therapy and guidance Practice deep breathing Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 3.1: Shift your focus to something positive When we have strong negative emotions, such as worry, annoyance, gloominess, depression, anxiety, and fear, it's easy to get sucked into a negative spiral. If we just tell ourselves to stop thinking about it, it feels hard. But if we can change our environment and/or shift our focus to something more positive, then we'll naturally stop thinking about it. It's important to use healthy distractions, such as playing an instrument, chess, reading, drawing, or exercising. These types of activities help to raise our spirits and calm our minds. Once we are calm, we can face the situation more rationally.   3.2: Reframe the situation Situations get us down because of the way we view the situation and ourselves. We may view ourselves as victims of circumstance. But actually, circumstances are neutral in nature, it is our beliefs that give them the label of "good" or "bad". For example, some people get down in the face of difficulty, while others use that difficulty to motivate them to improve themselves and try even harder. We can reframe the situation and tell ourselves that we have to use this difficulty to become stronger, and that we can definitely do it.   Comment: This reminds me of the Stoic philosophy: the obstacle is the way . Also, here is a really great short video titled " Use The Difficulty " that matches the book's message. Another way to reframe the situation is to take a higher and longer perspective on things. When we zoom out, our problems will seem much smaller. How many times have we made a big deal out of something in the past, but after a few weeks, months, or years, we already forgot about it? If we didn't get something we want, rather than obsessing over it, we can think about other ways to attain the same end goal. As long as we persevere, we'll definitely find a way. These are all ways of reframing our mindset to recover calm and hope.   3.3: Get therapy and guidance When we have strong negative emotions, it can be very helpful to seek therapy or advice from a professional or from someone whom we trust is wise and kind. They can give us comfort, hope, and encouragement in our time of need. They can also provide us with useful wisdom and advice that we can't think of by ourselves to better solve our problems.   Comment: In my experience, ancient philosophical teachings offer marvelous therapy and guidance for our emotional problems. For example, past philosophers teach us that when things don't go the way we want, we ought to reflect on ourselves  rather than blame others or external factors. That means reflecting on our contribution to the problem and focusing on what's in our control (our thoughts and actions) rather than demanding what's outside our control (other people and circumstances) to change. Such teachings help us to let go of accumulated frustration and direct our energy towards a positive, useful, and productive direction.   3.4: Practice deep breathing Practicing deep, slow breathing can help us to relax the mind and nourish our spirit. It's even better if we can practice deep breathing outside in fresh air.   Comment: The textbook didn't have too much on this section, but it's easy for us to find a guided breathing meditation online.   Conclusion We all know the importance of food, exercise, and sleep on our health. But in western medicine, the impact of emotions on our health is not emphasized nearly as enough as it should be. Comparatively, Chinese medicine puts a strong emphasis on managing emotions for good health.   When emotions are excessive and long-lasting, they directly harm our internal organs and can lead to physical symptoms. In order to harmonize our emotions and nourish the mind, we should cultivate our moral character, moderate desires, do good deeds, and follow our conscience. When we encounter difficult situations and have strong negative emotions, we can regulate our emotions by shifting our focus, reframing the situation, getting therapy and guidance, and doing deep breathing.   As Voltaire said, "I have chosen to be happy because it is good for my health."

It's the end of another year! Like many people, I'm doing a year-end reflection. As a learner of ancient philosophies, I'm always trying to improve myself, to live a good life, and to have happiness and peace of mind. This year, I have four major learnings: Selflessness brings true happiness and eliminates suffering. What you focus on, grows. Human nature is inherently good. TCM lifestyle tips.   Image created using Canva 1: Selflessness brings true happiness and eliminates suffering. We all just want to be happy in life. But we need to recognize that true happiness is different from the fleeting pleasure that comes from external stimulation (e.g., food, entertainment, gaming, shopping, etc.). Such pleasures are very short-lived, and while they can be fine in moderation, they can also lead to a slippery slope and create craving afterwards, and craving is a form of suffering. On the other hand, true happiness is long-lasting and nourishing to the mind and spirit.   In the article Cultivate Inner Joy , I wrote about four sources of long-lasting happiness: having good relationships, helping others, having a clear conscience, and seeing our improvement. Practicing selflessness and kindness is related to all of these.   Moreover, all our negative emotions, suffering, and interpersonal conflicts come from an over-focus on I , on what I  want but cannot get, and on my  feelings. The stronger our attachment to I , the greater our suffering. That's why ancient philosophers taught us to dampen our self-centeredness and redirect our focus towards benefiting others. For example, the Buddha said, "View all living beings as myself." Lao Tzu said, "View others' gains as my gains. View others' losses as my losses."   Thus, I chose "selflessness" as my one-word theme for 2024, and I tried to practice Venerable Jing Kong's teaching: "Think of benefiting others with every thought". In my practice, I noticed five major ways to cultivate selflessness: Putting others before me and above me (e.g.,  prioritizing others on my to-do list, following others' wishes rather than fussing over all the small stuff, and giving more to others) Empathy (when we understand others, we won't be upset at them anymore, and we'll know how to help them in a way that resonates with them) Advising others (be more polite towards family members; be willing to go through the hassle of advising others) Etiquette (being more considerate and respectful in the minute details of daily life) Thinking of the bigger picture (thinking long-term and from multiple people's perspectives)   I wrote about these in detail in last week's post, My Year of Practicing Selflessness . Through this year's practice, I now have more peace of mind, more happy relationships (both in terms of quality and quantity), a sense of contentment that I live a moral life, a sense of accomplishment from self-improvement, and a feeling of confidence that I can resolve conflicts positively.   2: What you focus on, grows. This year, some friends talked to me about their relationship problems, and this principle came up over and over again: What you focus on, grows. The energy you give is the energy you attract back . Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3  , 4 , 5 Perhaps this sounds obvious, but most people seem oblivious to it. For example, most people don't think their spouse is perfect. Most people have something about their spouse (or family member, friend, colleague, etc.) that they'd like them to change. What method do they use?   They complain or criticize. Then the other person gets defensive and argues back. And then the two people just blame each other for being stubborn and inconsiderate. It's a negative cycle. We don't realize that by complaining and criticizing, we are giving them negative energy, and that negative energy attracts negative energy from the other person in the form of defensiveness and opposition. On the other hand, if we can tolerate people's shortcomings, they won't feel so much pressure around us, as if we're always judging them, and they won't automatically be on guard around us, as if waiting to refute another complaint from us. This kind of relationship lacks trust, and it's very tiring for both people. If we can tolerate others' shortcomings and often look for their good points, and then praise their good points, they will feel comfortable and happy around us, and they'll be motivated to grow those good points. That's a positive cycle.   Another key insight is that we need to cultivate our mind such that when others give us negative energy, we don't unconsciously fall into negativity ourselves and instinctively return negative energy back to them. We have to maintain awareness of our emotional state and consciously choose to return positive energy to them.   For example, when others complain about us or criticize us, rather than complain back that they should first understand our situation, that they got the facts wrong, that they shouldn't exaggerate, etc., we need to first notice our emotional state. Are we in a state of negative energy, such as anger or annoyance? If so, we need to remember that speaking in a state of negative energy will only attract more negative energy from them and ourselves.   Then we need to choose to give positive energy, such as appreciation and humility. Even if we don't feel a lot of positive energy in that moment, we can at least speak what we know a person with positive energy would say, and that will bring out our positive energy. For example, we can say, " I'm sorry for making you upset. That's certainly not my intention, but the result is that you are upset, and I'm sorry for that. I appreciate you trying to communicate with me about this matter, and I want us to both be happy and harmonious. I'm sure we can solve this matter with some communication."   When they receive this caring, humble, and calm energy from us, they will be influenced too. Apology attracts apology, and appreciation attracts appreciation. They might say, "OK, well I appreciate that. Maybe I overreacted a bit." On the other hand, if we had said, "You're overreacting!"  They would definitely argue and say, "No I'm not!"   If we want to resolve conflicts, someone has to become conscious and return negative energy with positive energy. What others do is outside our control, so we have to request ourselves, not others. For more on this topic, check out the article What You Focus On Grows .   3: Human nature is inherently good. Our beliefs about human nature are very important for at least two reasons: for our self-esteem, and for our interpersonal relationships. If we believe human nature is good, then we also believe that we ourselves are good, and we'll have a better sense of self-esteem. We wouldn't think thoughts like, "I'm not like others. I'm terrible. I'm trash." As for relationships, when we believe human nature is good, we'll naturally look for other people's goodness, and as mentioned earlier, what you focus on, grows!   In the sinology program I took this past year, I learned about the ancient Chinese philosopher Mencius and his theory on why human nature is good. I found it to be very insightful, convincing, and useful. I explain his theory in detail in my article Why Human Nature Is Good And Its Significance , but I'll just mention some key points here.   Firstly, Mencius argues that human nature is good in that every person has what he calls "the four sprouts". These are the natural feelings of compassion, of modesty, of right and wrong, and of shame when doing wrong, and they are not obtained from the outside or via thinking. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 For example, if we see a young child about to fall into a well, we'd naturally feel a sense of apprehension and want to save that child. That's the natural feeling of compassion. In that split moment, we're not thinking about gaining favor from the child's parents or praise from neighbors. If we didn't even try to save that child, we'd feel haunted by our conscience. If we did save the child and others praised us for it, we would think that our behavior was just the natural and right thing to do; it's nothing to brag about.   Secondly, Mencius explains that people do immoral things because of environmental influences and a lack of moral education, but their four sprouts of goodness will always be there and can be drawn out through virtuous role models and education. So if we want others to be more kind, more humble, or more moral, then we need to set a good example for them. When they see our good role modeling, their sprouts of goodness will grow. But if we are impatient and insensitive towards them, then that's setting a bad role model, and their sprouts of goodness will be suppressed.   Thirdly, these sprouts of goodness are just that: sprouts. They need nurturing to become a strong motive force. We can nurture the four sprouts by paying attention to them, holding onto them in our mind, acting on them, and undergoing moral education. In terms of sequence, we should start by cultivating our sense of love and respect towards the people closest to us first (parents and siblings), then extend outwards towards the rest of the world. This effort is worth it because cultivating goodness gives us peace of mind and an easy conscience. This echoes the first part on selflessness and true happiness.   In summary, everyone has the potential (sprouts) for goodness. The question is whether we nurture those sprouts.   4: TCM Lifestyle Tips One of my highlights of the year was in the summer when I had the opportunity to visit my Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) doctor at her family's Chinese medicine hospital in Inner Mongolia for a week. During that time, I got to shadow her and other doctors, ask lots of questions, and try out all the various Chinese medicine treatments offered at the hospital.   I also interviewed many doctors in different departments at the hospital, and I asked them about the most common problems they see in patients and how we can prevent them. I wrote about their advice in the article Health Advice From Doctors At A Chinese Medicine Hospital , but I'll summarize their advice here: Posture is very important for our neck and back. Practice good posture. After sitting down for a while, get up and do some quick neck and shoulder exercises. Exercise enough. Avoid having AC blow directly onto your skin, especially the neck and upper back. Eat a healthy and balanced diet suitable for your body constitution . Healthy emotions are key to a healthy body. Manage negative emotions, cultivate positive emotions, and nurture good relationships.   Icon Sources: 1  , 2  , 3 , 4 , 5 The TCM textbook I'm reading also emphasizes the impact of emotional health on our physical health, and I wrote about it in my article  TCM: Emotions and Health . TCM explains that anger affects the liver, overstimulation affects the heart, overthinking affects the stomach, sadness affects the lungs, and fear affects the kidneys. The book advises us to nourish our mind by cultivating kindness, having a clear conscience, and reducing desires. Coincidentally (or not), these TCM advice all resonate with what ancient philosophers teach!    After learning these simple tips, I now do some quick neck and shoulder stretches whenever I take a break from working at my desk. Every day, I've also been doing 15 minutes a Chinese exercise called Baduanjin , which is kind of like a Chinese version of yoga, and it involves stretching and deep breathing. Additionally, I do 20 minutes of meditation daily to nurture peaceful emotions.   Conclusion 2024 was a leap year, and I think I managed to leap to a higher level this year. However, there's still a lot of room for improvement, so I need to maintain my momentum and keep up the effort. Onwards and upwards into 2025 we go! Weekly Wisdom #322

This year was a special year for me. Happiness expert Gretchen Rubin suggests people to pick a one-word theme for their year as a way to make that year special and boost happiness. I decided to pick the word “selflessness”.   Why did I pick this word? Two reasons: Selflessness brings true happiness. Selflessness eliminates suffering. Reason 1: Selflessness brings true happiness Everyone just wants to be happy in life. But what exactly is "happiness"? Our understanding of "happiness" will affect how we seek it, and it would be a terrible tragedy to seek the wrong thing. Nowadays, many people think happiness is an emotional high or pleasure that comes from external stimulation, such as food, sex, drugs, entertainment, shopping, travel, praise, etc. These are all fleeting pleasures that lead to a feeling of lack and craving afterwards, which is really a form of suffering. True happiness should be long-lasting, and it shouldn't have negative side effects like craving. To give an analogy, these external stimulations are like cheap chocolate, while true happiness is like high-quality chocolate. Once you've had the high quality stuff, you naturally don't desire the cheap quality stuff anymore. This year, I wrote an article titled Cultivate Internal Joy , and it talks about four sources of long-lasting happiness: Good relationships Helping others A clear conscience Self-improvement   Icon Sources: 1  , 2  , 3  , 4 Humans are social beings, and for most of us, we have to interact with different people many times in our daily lives. If we have good relationships with those around us, then we would get so many doses of happiness and positive energy in those daily interactions. Helping others and giving more is a key to good relationships, and anyone who's sincerely helped others without wanting anything return knows that it brings out an inner joy within us.   Thirdly, everyone has a moral conscience. To listen to that conscience, and to be able to say confidently that we live morally and we have nothing to hide or nothing to be ashamed of, this gives us peace of mind and self-contentment. Finally, seeing our own improvement also brings out an inner joy.   Notice that all these things relate to selflessness. When we are self-centered, we tend to create conflict in relationships, and we are more likely to do immoral things. When we are selfless and focused on benefiting others, we will give others more understanding and kindness, we then gain the joy of helping others, and our conscience will feel nourished and at ease. As for self-improvement, it's very tough to change our bad habits, so we need a lot of motivation. Those who only think about themselves can be motivated to improve themselves, but that motivation would be much stronger if we have a purpose greater than ourselves. Reason 2: Selflessness Eliminates Suffering Think about it: what’s the root cause of our suffering? Many ancient philosophers teach us that the root of our suffering is desire. Indeed, when we want something very badly and cannot obtain it, we suffer negative emotions, such as unhappiness, resentment, anger , sadness, craving, hopelessness, etc.   Just to be clear, this doesn’t mean all desire is bad. There are good desires, such as wanting to improve ourselves and to help others. There are also bad desires, such as those that are excessive, unreasonable, or inappropriate, and ancient philosophers teach us to curb such desires . Examples include being greedy to have more of something than what we really need, or demanding others to be different.   But even more fundamental than desire is the attachment to “self”. Every single thought we have, everything we do, it’s all for the self. The Buddha taught that there are five mental afflictions or poisons: greediness, anger, delusion, arrogance, and doubt. These afflictions or poisons bring us suffering.  Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 When these afflictions arise, we immediately feel negative emotions, and then if we act on these afflictions, we’ll plant negative karmic seeds and attract negative results. For example, if we indulge in sensory pleasures, we’ll become slaves to desire and hurt our health. If we let our anger loose, we’ll destroy relationships and opportunities. If we act deludedly and irrationally, we’ll definitely bring harm to ourselves. If we act arrogantly, nobody will like us, and they might even want to hurt us. Doubting ourselves makes us feel terrible, and doubting others leads to conflict.   What’s the root of these five afflictions? The attachment to I . Greediness is when I  really want something. If there is no I , then where is the greediness? Anger arises when I really want something but can’t get it. Delusion comes when I  really want something, causing me to lose rationality. Arrogance or ego arises when I desire to be better than others or when I feel hurt or misunderstood. Doubt happens when I doubt myself and others. When there is no I , there is no suffering.   Now, you might be thinking, that sounds fine in theory, but it doesn’t sound very practical or realistic. How can anyone possibly not have an I ? Indeed, it’s very difficult to let go of this deeply unconscious attachment to the idea of I . But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. The Buddha and many people in the past have succeeded, and in doing so, they became enlightened .   The Buddha gave a method for letting go of I  in the Infinite Life Sutra : “View all living beings as myself.”   We are always thinking about ourselves, about what we want and don’t want, about how to benefit ourselves and avoid harm for ourselves. This increases our attachment to I . So instead, we replace those thoughts with thoughts of what others want and don’t want, with thoughts of how to benefit others and help them avoid harm. Venerable Master Jing Kong explained: “Think of benefiting others’ with every thought.”   This teaching is ingenious. If the Buddha simply told us, “ Stop thinking about yourself and what you want or don’t want ”, we’d think, “ If you tell me to not think about the self, I automatically think of myself. ” So the Buddha teaches us to think about others, and in the process of thinking about others, we naturally forget I . This reminds me of a quote by Gandhi: “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”   The way I interpret it is that we find a sense of fulfillment, contentment, and spiritual happiness when we forget ourselves in the service of others. It’s not just the Buddha and Gandhi that advocate for this idea. The Daoist sage Lao Zi said in the Treatise on Attraction and Response : “View others’ gains as my own gains. View others losses’ as my own losses.”   And it’s not just eastern philosophers that have this idea. The Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius said: “What injures the hive, injures the bee.” “Meditate often on the interconnectedness and mutual interdependence of all things in the universe.”   When I saw all these ancient philosophers advising me to practice selflessness, I decided to give it a try for a month. A month became a few months, and a few months became my one-word theme for the year.   When I truly took this teaching to heart, I noticed that a lot of things that would make me unhappy in the past lose their edge (because I focus on others), I avoid creating a lot of negative karma (such as getting into conflicts with others or unintentionally offending others), and I also proactively create a lot more positive karma (by helping others, others naturally want to help me back). Indeed, I feel like my mental afflictions are lighter, and I feel a greater sense of ease, inner peace, and contentment in life, and I sometimes feel happy without needing a particular reason for it.   In my practice of selflessness this year, I’ve discovered five major aspects that require effort: Putting others before me and above me Empathy Advising others Etiquette Thinking of the bigger picture   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 1: Putting others before me and above me To go from thinking of myself with every thought, whether conscious or unconscious, to suddenly thinking about others with every thought is quite a big leap, and it’s not easy. Therefore, I started by simply putting others before myself. Even though I haven’t forgotten the I , I can at least put others above myself.   At first, it feels tough, like I’m forcing myself to sacrifice myself for others. But afterwards, I feel like I overcame myself and gained the joy of spiritual growth. It’s like when I don’t feel like going for a run, but after I do it, I feel happy and proud of myself.   1.1: Time Allocation One application of this idea is in how I schedule and spend my time. When I look at my to-do list during the day, or when others ask me to do something, I prioritize others first. Of course, this has to be balanced with reason and wisdom. If others have an important and urgent task, I will communicate about a timeline and confirm exactly how urgent it is. If it is quite urgent, I will prioritize them first. If it’s not that important or urgent, but it’s quick, I can still prioritize them. If it’s not that urgent, and I have other important urgent matters myself, then I’ll do those things first, and I’ll let them know around what time I can do their task.   When I have to help multiple people, I need to get the order of priority correctly and let each person know when I will do their task. As long as I order my priorities correctly, then regardless if I could finish everything on my to-do list, I’ll have peace of mind and an easy conscience.    For example, this past year, I took some classes in sinology (ancient Chinese philosophy). Most of the classes were taught in Chinese, but there was one class that was all taught in English. My five classmates were from China, so their English wasn’t as good as mine. In that class, I could’ve prioritized myself over them, but since I wanted to practice selflessness, I decided to prioritize them over myself.   I would actually help them with their homework first even if it meant lowering the quality of my homework. This is also fine with me because I don’t need a high grade. I was willing to sacrifice my own grade to help my classmates get a higher grade and learn more English.   What was the result? When I saw them get a good grade, I was even more happy for them than they were. This is a kind of happiness that money cannot buy. Our relationships also improved, and they were eager to help me in the other courses. Good karma came around fast.   Another example is interruptions. I used to get very annoyed when people interrupt me during the middle of my work session. I would tell them that I’ll help them after I finish my task at hand. But this is putting myself above others. When I view others as above me, I then willingly stop what I’m doing, turn around to face them, and give them my full attention. If I judge their request as not urgent, then I’ll respectfully ask if it’s OK that I do it later. The result is still the same: I do their task later. However, I don’t get annoyed at others anymore, and I instead let them feel respected.   Sometimes, people don’t necessarily ask me for help, but I notice that they could use some help. For example, one time I was going to my room after lunch for an afternoon nap. But then I noticed a classmate was a bit sad, so I prioritized giving him some active listening and advice first. I ended up not napping that day, but I felt it was worth it because I could help someone in their time of need.   1.2: Following Others’ Wishes and Yielding to Resolve Conflicts Conflicts are a major source of unhappiness and suffering in life. In the past, I used to fear disagreements, and I would get really annoyed and frustrated during conflicts or misunderstandings. After a year of practicing selflessness (as well as the years before of cultivating virtues), I've had noticeable improvement in the face of disagreement and misunderstandings. I certainly still get annoyed, but the degree is much less, and I can extinguish that flame before it becomes big and causes major damage.   Disagreements and misunderstandings are inevitable in life, so if we can have confidence in ourselves that we can overcome any conflict in a positive manner, that's a big source of peace and contentment in life. The key is to let go of (at least dampen) what I  think and feel, which then allows us to help them feel understood and heard, to be patient with them, and then from that understanding and patience, we can find a solution to the problem.   Stoicism teaches that we should focus on what we can control and let go of the rest, and how others' behave is not in our control. So if they are stubborn in their views, I will do my best to advise them with a caring intention in a manner that resonates with them. If they still don't listen, then I have an easy conscience in knowing that I did my best, and only they are responsible for their decision.   Perhaps after they've experienced the consequences, they might realize that they should've listen to me, and since I didn't force them or blame them, they'll gain more respect for me and maybe proactively seek my advice next time. But if I force them to listen to me, then they'll be upset at me regardless of the result. If the result is bad, they'll definitely blame me. If the result is good, they'll think, " Yeah but if I didn't listen to you and instead did things my way, the result could be better ", and next time they might say, " I already yielded to you last time. It's time you yield to me. " Therefore, resolving a conflict by forcing the other person to listen to us is almost always a bad idea.   If we really can't find a middle ground, and someone has to yield, then I'm willing to yield because I want to scrape away my attachment to I . The prerequisite though, is that the matter is not a big deal (i.e., not going to cause significant harm), and most of the time, it really isn't a big deal. Although I’m not at the level where there is no I  who opposes them, I can at least dampen the I and view others as more important than myself. It’s kind of like if I’m with the president of my country, I would of course yield to the president and not insist that the president yields to me.   For example, one of my friend’s girlfriend planned a surprise birthday party for him and invited me. This party was far away and a bit late at night. When I told my mother about it, she didn’t feel comfortable with me going. At first, I was a bit annoyed because I felt like her feelings are a bit unreasonable. After all, my friend’s birthday is just once a year.   But I told myself to let go of what I  think, and instead put my mom above myself. If she’s not comfortable with me going, then fine, I won’t go. I’ll just send a gift to my friend instead. It’s not that big of a deal. No need to get upset and argue about it. In this way, I prevented an uneasy conscience, addressed my mom's concern, and still attained my goal of doing something for my friend's birthday. Other times, people around me want to do things a different way than I would, and I often think their way is less efficient or unnecessary, or they don't understand that their way is not as good as my way. There are countless little disagreements like this in daily life, and if we fuss about them every time, that would add up to a lot of trouble. Thus, yielding and following others' wishes, especially for these small matters, helps to save us from a lot of unnecessary trouble and scrape away that stubborn habit of self-centeredness. This habit is indeed very deeply ingrained, so perseverance in practice is very important.   1.3 Shared Resources At my school, we have a buffet style cafeteria, where we take food that we want from trays. There are some foods that are more popular than others, so when I see them, I remind myself to take less and leave more for others because others are more important, and I should view others’ gains as my own gains.   Sometimes, I might go for seconds. If there’s still more of those delicious food, then I can take a bit more. Usually, that food is already gone, in which case I praise myself for doing my part to make sure everyone got their share of that delicious food.   2: Empathy Empathy is understanding others and seeing things from their perspectives. When we truly understand others, we won’t think they are unreasonable, and we won’t have such strong opposition or conflict with them. We’ll also naturally  want to help them and know how  to help them.   2.1: Conflicts Putting others first might feel forced sometimes because I think they are being unreasonable. In the previous example of my mom not wanting me to go to that late night party, I felt like I yielded to my mother because I felt her demand was kind of unreasonable. Therefore, I really have to put in effort to think from her perspective and feel that it is understandable and reasonable for her to feel the way she feels. I know on an intellectual level that she dislikes going out, especially when it is dark, cold, and late at night, but I don’t actually understand  her feelings.   I then tried to put myself in her shoes. If I am a parent, and my child wants to drive to a far-away restaurant on a cold, dark night, how would I feel? Well, if my son were a very responsible person, which I think I am, I probably wouldn’t worry that much and let him go. But can I say that I would have no worries at all? No, I’d probably stay up and wait for my son to come home, and I would feel relieved after he comes home. And why is my son making friends with people who like to party at night? That’s a reason for concern too. And then I have to adjust for the fact that my mother worries a lot easier than me, so if I feel a little bit worried, she’d feel even more worried. From this thought-exercise, I could better understand her, and then I could willingly follow her wishes and view her gain (of peace of mind) as my own.   2.2: Helping Others As mentioned earlier, Venerable Jing Kong said, “ Think of benefiting others with every thought. ” Well, the prerequisite to benefiting others is to first understand others. Otherwise, we might commit the crime of “ loving you without your permission ”, where we impose onto others what we think is good for them, but they don’t really want it.   For example, I wanted to offer my classmates the opportunity to have daily English chats with me. My intention is to help them improve their English, but I don’t know if they really want this, or if they might feel like this is a burden. So when I told them my idea, I made sure to say, “ The prerequisite is that you have the interest and the time. If you’re not interested or don’t have the time, then don’t worry about it.”   I also asked each classmate individually and paid careful attention to their reaction. After all, sometimes people might feel pressured to say yes; otherwise, they’ll seem unappreciative or lazy to reject such an offer. If I sense any uneasy energy, then I would know to back off and not take up their time. I would also observe their emotions during these English chats to see if they are enjoying and benefiting from them. If not, I would ask how we can make these English chats more useful for them. If I notice they are very busy recently, I would ask if they’d like to postpone the English chat to a later time when they’re less busy.   Some classmates told me, “ But you’re very busy too. Are you sure you have the time to do this? ” I then told them, “ It’s OK, it’s a good break for me! Besides, our homeroom teacher told me to help you guys with English, and I want to do my best to fulfill his wish, so you’re helping him and me if you have the time to do English chats. ” In this way, they will feel happy to have the English chat and not feel like they’re burdening me.   3: Advising others I’ve noticed that it’s easy to be impatient, impolite, overly direct, and overly demanding towards family members because we’re so close and used to them, and we tend not to advise those we’re less close to in fear of misunderstandings and hassle. Neither of these are considerate or kind.   If we are trying to benefit others with every thought, then we’d definitely advise others, and we’d find a suitable method and an appropriate time to do so. We’d also be patient for them to change rather than demanding immediate change. Moreover, everyone needs more encouragement and affirmation nowadays, so when advising others, it’s important to first affirm their goodness, to let them see that we have their best intentions in mind, and to give encouragement .   3.1: Towards family When I’m at home with my mother, we set a meeting time after dinner every day to be open communication time. Thus, even if I see some behavior that I don’t completely agree with during the day, I’ll wait until our after-dinner meeting to bring it up. Otherwise, she might (as anyone would) debate with me out of instinct. But when it’s our set meeting time, we are mentally prepared for mutual advice giving, and we’re not rushed or distracted by other things, so it’s a suitable time to give advice.   Moreover, I have to be empathetic and humble. So I first ask her why she behaved that way. Then I affirm her good intentions before sharing my perspective and advice. At the end, I remain humble by saying, “ These are just my perspectives, and it’s just for your consideration. ” After all, it would be quite rude and inappropriate if I lectured my elders as if I'm above them.   3.2 Towards others At school, I noticed some faults in some classmates. If I weren’t practicing selflessness, I’d probably avoid the hassle of trying to advise them since they are the ones that will suffer from their faults, not me. But since I am practicing seeing others as myself, I decided to spend mental energy and effort to find ways to advise them in a way that they would be comfortable with.   For example, I noticed two classmates are often very agitated and easily startled. I talked to our homeroom teacher about it, and he said he’s working on advising them too. To help out, I would look for suitable opportunities to advise them to cultivate serenity (this is also emphasized in our sinology classes). When they speak really fast to me, I might purposely respond in a slow voice and say, “ Oh sorry, my mind is a bit slow, so it was a bit hard for me to keep up with your talking speed. Let me check I understood you. Did you say _____? ”   We have calligraphy class, and one day, I decided to write “serene” using calligraphy on a sticky note and put it on my notebook. I then wrote two more sticky notes and gave it to those classmates as a friendly reminder to practice serenity. They were not offended and could feel my caring but respectful intention. I also did not expect or demand them to change right away, and I didn’t get impatient when they continued being agitated. I know change takes time, and my moral duty is simply to give suitable reminders at appropriate times.   There was another classmate who had an unsightly habit of scratching and rubbing her nose very slowly. It is a very awkward topic to bring up, but I thought about the fact that she probably isn’t aware that this habit would cause others to have a negative impression on her, so I still went through the hassle of advising her. I waited weeks for a suitable opportunity.   Finally, I ran into her when she was alone in the library, and that morning I noticed her doing it again, so I asked her if I could tell her something. She said OK. And I very politely said, “ I think you dress really well, and you’re quite an elegant person. But I noticed you sometimes like to slowly scratch your nose, and it’s kind of surprising to see that from such an elegant person, you know? I just don’t want others to get a negative impression of you because of it. That’s all. ” She replied that she indeed has this habit, and that she appreciated my good intentions, and she’ll work on it.   4: Etiquette The spirit of etiquette is consideration and respect for others. It's natural human sentiment to dislike rude people and to like polite people. If we've never learned about etiquette, we might unintentionally do rude things and offend people without even realizing it. I've certainly done that many times, so it's important to learn about etiquette. A great resource is the Guide To A Happy Life , which has many teachings on daily etiquette. Image Source Here are some examples from my practice: When calling others on the phone, first ask them if it’s a convenient time for them to talk. Before speaking to a person, first observe the whole situation and see if they are busy and if the environment is a suitable place to talk. (I’ve made this mistake many times). When others give me a snack, aside from just saying thank-you, it would be even better if I eat a bit right there and then and then tell them that it tastes good. When walking with elders and we encounter a door, I should rush ahead to open the door for elders. Whether sitting down, getting up, or leaving, let elders go first. When eating, let elders take the first bite. If elders aren’t finished eating yet, I should try not to finish. Otherwise, they’ll feel pressured to hurry up if they see I’m waiting for them to finish before I can leave. If elders are finished before me, I should finish quickly to not keep them waiting. Don’t interrupt others when they are talking. Practice active and patient listening. Don’t forget to return things to the person you borrowed it from in a timely manner. (One time I forgot to ask when I should return it, and then I just forgot to return it, and the owner had to come ask me for it back. Oops.) Don’t speak about other people’s bad points in group settings. (Sometimes I do this unintentionally or accidentally). Don’t show off your good points in front of others. (For example, as the only native English speaker, I usually don’t take initiative to speak English with my classmates. I wait for them to speak English to me first, then I respond in English). Clean up after yourself. For example, wipe the table after eating. Or after using the sink, wipe the counter dry.   These are simply some examples that I’ve encountered in my daily life this past year. Everyone’s situation is different, so it’s important that we apply the spirit of etiquette appropriately to our unique situations.   5: Thinking Of The Bigger Picture When it comes to “thinking of benefiting others with every thought”, sometimes it’s just one person, but sometimes many people are involved in a matter, in which case we need to think from the perspectives of all the people implicated . Otherwise, we might accidentally upset and cause trouble to others in the process of trying to be kind to someone else. Image Source 5.1: Social Settings For example, during meal times, my classmates might take initiative to speak English with me because they want to practice their English. But sometimes, there’s an elder at our table who doesn’t know English. In this case, I respond in Chinese to that person to hint that we should be speaking Chinese. Otherwise, we are neglecting the feeling of that elder and making him feel ignored and left out.   Our meal tables can seat 6 people. One time, there were 7 of us lined up. The first five people already sat down at a table. I’m the 6th one, so I decided to sit at a new table. This way, the last person would know to sit with me, and there wouldn’t be one person left out to sit at another table by himself. Other times, there might be 6 of us already sitting and eating, and then a 7th person comes late and sits at a table by themselves. In that case, I would take my food over to their table and accompany them.   5.2 Work Settings During meetings, it’s important to think about whether we need each and every person to be present. Sometimes, I have to attend evening meetings, and the meeting might go overtime. When this happens, the leader says, “ Sorry, it seems like we’ll need to go overtime. But this matter only concerns these people, so for the other people, if you need to go, feel free to do so. ”   Another example is when asking a colleague for help, we should ask that colleague’s manager rather than asking that colleague directly; this is showing respect towards the colleague’s manager. But if others directly ask me to do work, I won’t be annoyed and say, “ You should ask my manager. ” Instead, I’ll politely say, “ OK, I will double check with my manager first and then get back to you. ” If the next time they still forget to ask my manager, I might say, “ I think it should be OK. But let’s go check with my manager first since I have to get his permission anyway. ”   There was also a time when we were seeing off some teachers and leaders of the school. The top leader was sitting on the left side of the car, so most people were standing on the left side of the car waving to the top leader. Only my mentor went to the right side of the car to wave to the teacher sitting on the right side. When I saw this, I immediately went to the right side. Indeed, we shouldn’t let anyone feel neglected.   Conclusion This year has been quite a gratifying year for me because I’ve been working on selflessness and had some noticeable improvement. My mind feels more at ease and contented, my relationships are more harmonious, and I can resolve conflicts easier. But one year is just a starting point, and I still have a lot of room for improvement, so I need to keep persisting in this practice of selflessness. Weekly Wisdom #321

Image Source: ChatGPT Do you know who the most famous person in our country is? Everyone knows him. His surname is Less, his first name is More, and middle name Or. Everyone calls him Mr. More Or Less. You must've met him or heard others talk about him. The name "Mr. More Or Less" is on the tip of  everyone’s tongues every day because he represents our country's people.    Mr. More Or Less looks more or less like you and me. He has a pair of eyes, but they don’t see very clearly. He has two ears, but his hearing isn’t great. He has a nose and a mouth, but he’s not sensitive to smells or tastes. His brain isn’t small, but his memory is fuzzy, and his thinking isn’t sharp.    He often says: "As long as something is more or less right, that’s good enough. Why be so picky?"     When he was young, his mother sent him to buy some sugar, but he came back with salt. His mother scolded him, but he just shook his head and said: "Isn't sugar and salt more or less the same?"     When he was in school, his science teacher told everyone to bring a potato to class for a science experiment. He brought a tomato. The teacher said, "I said bring a potato, not a tomato." He replied, "Potato, tomato they're more or less the same, right?"  He failed that class.   Later, he worked as an accountant for a small shop. He could write and calculate, but he never paid attention to detail. He often misplaced decimals or wrote 1 as 7. The shopkeeper got angry and scolded him frequently. He just smiled and said, "It's just a decimal. Isn't it more or less the same?"   One day, he had an urgent matter and needed to take a train. He strolled leisurely to the station but arrived two minutes late, and the train had already left. He stared at the smoke from the distant train and shook his head, saying, "I’ll just go tomorrow then. Leaving today or tomorrow is more or less the same. But the train company is too rigid. Isn’t 8:30 and 8:32 more or less the same?"  As he spoke, he slowly walked home, wondering why the train wouldn’t wait for him for just two minutes.    One time, he suddenly fell gravely ill and instructed his son, Close Enough, to fetch Dr. Brown from East Street. Shortly after, his son came back and said, "I couldn't find Dr. Brown, but I found Dr. Black from Weast Street. He's not a human doctor, but he's an animal doctor. That's close enough, right?" Lying in bed, Mr. More Or Less knew he had fetched the wrong person. However, in his pain and urgency, he thought to himself, "Dr. Brown and Dr. Black are more or less the same. I'll give him a try."   Dr. Black treated him with the methods used for dogs. Within less than an hour, Mr. More Or Less passed away.   Just before his death, Mr. More Or Less, gasping for breath, stuttered: "Living and dying are more...or less... the same. As long as things are more...or less... good enough... why... why... take things so seriously?"  After saying these philosophical words, he took his last breath.    After his death, everyone praised Mr. More Or Less for being so illuminated and carefree. They said that throughout his life, he refused to be serious, refused to argue, and refused to fuss. Truly, he was a good man. So, they gave him the honorary title of "The Illuminated One".    His reputation spread further and further over time, and countless people followed his example. As a result, everyone became another Mr. More Or Less. And thus, our nation became a nation of lazy people.    (Story Source: Adapted from this story  by Hu Shih).   Commentary This story is, of course, fictional and satirical, but it does bring some thoughtful humor. There's Chinese proverb that says, "Great matters in the world must be achieved through the details." (Original text: 天下大事必作於細.)   If we want to do anything well, we have to take care of the details, and we have to do our best. When we are lazy, sloppy, or perfunctory, not only is that disrespectful towards others, it's also cheating ourselves. As  Steve Prefontaine said, "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift."   What gift? The gift of your potential, of your time, of your talents, of your life, of your self-worth.   I'm reminded of a story of when Jimmy Carter went for an interview for a naval officer position. He talked about all his qualifications and accomplishments. At the end of the interview, the interviewer looked at him curiously and asked, "But did you always do your best?"   Carter was silent for a while, then he finally said, "No. I guess I didn't always do my best."   The interviewer then asked him, "Why not?"   Carter then got up and left the room. And that question haunted him for the rest of his life.   Indeed, why are we doing things that don't deserve our best? If we have to do these things anyway, why are we bringing a lazy or perfunctory attitude to them? If we choose to do our best, not only will we earn others' respect, we will also gain self-respect.   So let's not be like Mr. More Or Less, and instead emulate Mr. Do Your Best. Weekly Wisdom #320

Last week , we discussed how to help children (or people in general) who are very upset and have conflicts with other people. This week, we'll look at the topic of teenage rebellion. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 Although the context is parenting, the principles can be extended to any relationship where others oppose us and don't want to listen to us.   One parent asked our class teacher about how to prevent and deal with teenage rebellion. The teacher first asked, "Do you guys agree that teenage rebellion is a normal thing that all teenagers go through?"   So what do you think? Did you or your friends go through a phase of teenage rebellion? Why or why not? The teacher then continued: "I asked my mom before, 'Mom, did I go through a phase of teenage rebellion?' She thought for a while until finally saying, 'No.' If we look back in history, teenage rebellion was never mentioned. Filial piety (respecting and loving parents) was the norm in the past. So clearly, teenage rebellion is not a law of the teenage years. The law of causality states that every result has a cause. A teenager becoming rebellious is a result. What are the causes [reasons]?   No child is born rebelling their parents. A child naturally respects their parents and looks up to their parents. When children are in kindergarten, they always say, "My dad says…My mom says…" This clearly shows their respect and admiration towards parents. If this attitude is maintained until the teenage years, teenage rebellion wouldn't arise.   So why do so many teenagers rebel against parents now? One major possibility is that the parent's behavior has made the child feel wronged, upset, annoyed, or misunderstood, and this negative feeling has been accumulating in the child's heart for a long time. This often happens when the parent is too controlling and demanding, such that if the child voices any objection, the parent just negates them. Although the child didn't rebel in the past, that resentment was always accumulating, until one day, it reaches a tipping point, and rebellion starts happening. As parents, we ought to reflect on whether we've set a good role model for our children and whether if we've made them feel wronged or misunderstood.   Of course, external factors are probably involved too. Perhaps their classmates at school are disrespectful towards parents and teachers, and they subconsciously learn that bad role modelling. Or perhaps they watched movies or read books that teach arrogance and conflict. Thus, as parents, we need to be aware of what our children are learning, and we should proactively teach them morality."   The parent replied, "Yes you're right. I suppose I do force my children to listen to me sometimes, but that's because they don't know what's good for them. If I just let them do whatever they want, isn't that wrong as well?"   The teacher replied, "Thank you for bringing up that question. It's a very valid concern. When we say don't be so controlling or demanding, it's a type of attitude. It's about having the intention to understand and respect others. It does not mean just letting them do whatever they want, especially if what they want to do is bad for them or others. If we have the intention to understand and respect them, we would naturally soften up and patiently communicate with them. We would really try to understand them first, and then patiently communicate our concerns and try to find a solution together rather than forcing them to accept our perspective. We would command less and discuss more."   Commentary Although here, my teacher said that parents need to be more understanding and respectful towards children, that doesn't mean children can demand their parents to be understanding and respectful towards them. We should remember Marcus Aurelius's teaching: "Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself."   We should all be more understanding and respectful towards others, not demand others to be more understanding and respectful towards us (as that will lead to major conflict). If my teacher were talking to children, he would say, "You guys need to be more understanding and appreciative towards your parents."   Effective communication is more about the intention we have and less about the techniques we use. Our intention should be purely to understand them, not to argue with them and tell them why they are wrong. Nor should we view communication as a trade where if we listen for 10 minutes, they should then give us 10 minutes of attention back.   When we understand others, we'll naturally soften up. When others feel understood, they'll naturally soften up too, and the trust between you two will increase. When we have enough trust with them, they will be willing to listen to us.   I remember many years ago, when I had conflict with my mother, I just wanted her to stop misunderstanding me, and she just wanted me to understand her. As a result, our communication always led to more conflict, and we didn't want to communicate anymore.   I then started learning about Confucianism and filial piety , and I decided to let go of my views and just follow my mom's wishes. Although I did it with a bit of unhappiness at first, my mom was quite touched, and she softened up. It's as Mencius said, "One who loves others will constantly be loved by others. One who respects others will constantly be respected by others."   Thus, we shouldn't wait for others to understand us or be good to us first. What others do is outside our control, but what we do is in our control. We need to be proactive rather than reactive. When we take initiative to respect others first, others will eventually respect us back. When we give to others, others will naturally give back to us. The key is in our sincerity and patience.   For more on building trust with others and getting others to do what we ask, check out these articles: How to Change Others The Four Methods of Guidance Four Pieces of Candy   Concluding Thoughts Do others oppose or rebel against me? How might I have contributed to this outcome? Do I command more or discuss more with others? Weekly Wisdom #319

Recently in my Chinese philosophy class, some parents asked questions related to difficult situations with their children. Although I am not a parent myself, I do teach young children, and I certainly encounter similar situations.  Moreover, I know there are many parents out there who might face similar struggles, so I am writing this article to share some wisdom related to educating children.   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 Even if you are not a parent or do not teach children, you probably have people complain to you about their problems. The principles for helping others resolve their problems are the same, so the content in this article should still be useful for you.   Situation 1: Cheating On A Test A parent asked, “One, my son’s classmate from another class messaged him the test paper for next week. I saw this message on his phone and that he already downloaded this file, meaning he already looked at it. I was worried that my son thinks cheating is fine, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt first and asked him why he looked at that test paper file.   He said to me, ‘Oh I’m just curious what kinds of questions might be on the test. If there are any questions I don’t understand, I can prepare more beforehand.’   I said, ‘OK. But it’s important to know that cheating is wrong.’   The next day in class, that teacher actually showed the students the same test paper and told them to study it for the test next week. The week after, the real test was exactly that test paper. I’m quite baffled at how even the teacher promotes unethical behavior! What can I even do?”   What would you do if you were in that parent’s situation? Of course, there isn’t one correct answer, so I’ll give my thoughts and my teacher’s reply just for consideration. I thought to myself, I would first affirm the child for taking his studies seriously; after all, everyone needs more encouragement nowadays. Then I would talk to him about the importance of ethics and that if we try to obtain results in an unethical way, it would result in a guilty conscience that haunts us in the future. This long-term mental suffering is not worth the short-term material gain.   My teacher replied, “This is a great educational opportunity. You can help your son develop his ethical discernment and ability to think about situations more holistically. For example, you can discuss with him why the teacher might do this kind of unethical behavior. Perhaps it’s because the teacher faces pressure from the school or parents to have students get grades; Otherwise, she’ll receive a bad performance review. You can ask your son, do you think the teacher knows that her behavior is unethical? If yes, then don’t you think this teacher is struggling to get by? The teacher has a tough situation, so we can try to be more understanding towards her rather than judgmental. We can also discuss from the perspective of classmates. If only a few students see the test paper in advance, do you think that’s fair? Do you think other classmates would be upset at you for cheating? If you cheat to get a high grade, can you feel proud of yourself? Is it really worth it then? We also need to show empathy to the kid. We can tell him that we understand his difficulty. If everyone else looks at the test paper and cheats to get a high score, but he doesn’t cheat and then gets a low score, he’ll feel very bad and stupid. We can even say, ‘If I were you, I would want to cheat too.’ When he feels understood, he’ll be more open to our advice. Then we can tell him ‘We have to restrain ourselves from doing what we know is wrong. I know it’s not easy, but I promise you’ll be glad you did it after the test because you’ll have a clear conscience. Unlike the students who cheated, you can look people in the eye and say ‘I’ve never cheated on a test!’ How awesome would that feel? I care much more about your moral character than your grades, and our happiness in life also depends on our character, not our grades. You can do it. I believe I you.’” Situation 2: Conflict With A Classmate Another parent asked, “I recently faced an awkward situation with my son and his classmate. That day, my son’s classmate was sick and missed class. This classmate then messaged my son to ask what the homework was, but my son didn’t reply, so this classmate messaged me to ask my son to reply. I then asked my son about it, and he said, ‘Mom can you just ignore him? He likes to scold me and call me names in class.’   I told him, ‘What are you saying? Your classmate wants to be good and do homework. You should help him!’   My son then started crying. I was quite flustered, so I replied to that classmate and said, ‘Sorry I am very busy tonight. Why don’t you ask another classmate?’   The classmate replied, ‘OK, thank you ma’am.’   I then showed this message to my son and said, ‘OK I told him to find another classmate. But look, he’s a pretty polite boy! Try to be nicer to him.’ My son was quite unhappy still.   What can I do in this situation?”   What would you do if you were in that parent’s situation? I thought to myself, this mother probably needs to give more understanding to her son first before criticizing him and demanding high moral standards from him. Moreover, it’s probably not a good idea to cover up for the son, as that might make the son think as long as he cries, his mother will give him what he wants. Of course, if I had to reply her, I’d be softer in my messaging.   My teacher replied, “This is another great teaching opportunity. As mentioned earlier, we need to teach our children to think from other people’s perspectives, to expand their hearts, to not only think about themselves all the time.   We can help the kid try to see the perspective of that classmate. This classmate often bullies you, yet when he’s sick and missed class, he still came to you for help. How do you think he feels about you? Clearly, he thinks you are a person with a big heart, a person who is willing to forgive him and help him in his time of need. If I were you, I’d feel quite touched by that.   From another perspective, maybe he has no friends at all. Otherwise, why would he ask for help from someone he bullies? Do you think he likes having no friends? He probably wants to be good and have friends, but he can’t control his bad habit of calling other people names, so he's quite miserable deep down inside. When we understand his hardship, we can feel more compassion for him.   Also, we parents need to be more careful of unintended consequences. I know you were probably trying to comfort your son when you showed him the message you gave to that classmate, but what your son might learn is that as long as he cries and shouts, his mother will grant his wish. It’s not wrong to try to comfort our children, but we need to guide them towards proper thinking. If it’s a really tough situation, you can grant your child’s request, but we should say something like, “This time, due to very extenuating circumstances, I will grant your request, but we cannot do this next time.”   You also didn’t need to lie to that classmate. You could’ve said something like, ‘I asked my son, but he is a bit reluctant because he said you bullied him. I know you probably didn’t mean to hurt him, so I will try to talk to him more. But in the meantime, it might be best for you to ask another classmate for help.’   We can also give more encouragement to the child to expand his heart. We might say something like, 'I know it’s very hard to help someone you dislike because he bullied you. But think about it: just because others treat us unkindly, does that mean we should treat them unkindly? What others do is their matter, but what we do is our matter. Our moral character has a huge impact on our life, and a person of high moral character treats all people well. If you can expand your heart and help him, I’ll be very proud of you, and we can celebrate together with your favorite snack and movie.’”   Situation 3: Venting About School Another parent asked, "How can I help my child maintain respect towards a bad teacher? My daughter is in grade 8. Whenever she comes home, she complains about how unreasonable her teacher is. She says the teacher demands them to be in their seats 5 minutes before class starts, and the teacher always ends 5 minutes late. Because this teacher cuts away 10 minutes from their break time, she doesn't even have enough time to use the washroom.   Whenever she comes home, she always vents about this teacher. I told her to not always focus on other people's faults, but I can't say that this teacher is right. I've listened to her vent for hours about this teacher, to the point that I just said, 'Can we take a break from this topic please?'   Moreover, she gives herself so much pressure to get high grades. I've told her before that we don't ask for high grades from her, but that didn't resolve her stress. She is so scared of being at the bottom of her class, but at the same time, she isn't happy when she gets high grades. Instead, she is scared that she can't get as high a grade next time. It seems like nothing I say can help her."   What would you do if you were in that parent’s situation? I thought to myself, wow this daughter vented for hours? That's some serious resentment! And wow, the mother listened for 2 hours? I should praise her for her patience. At the same time, we really shouldn't let the daughter vent for that long. At that point, I feel like the more she complains, the more her resentment grows, so it becomes counter-productive, not to mention anger is harmful for our health. We should try to divert her attention to something else. And then when she's calm, we can guide towards actually solving the problem, like focusing on how we can adapt ourselves to the teacher rather than demanding the teacher to change.   My teacher replied: "The more agitated and emotional the other person is, the more calm and rational we need to be. If we become agitated and emotional along with them, then we'll only worsen the problem. For example, if your daughter comes home and starts venting about how annoying that teacher is, you could give her a smile and say, 'Hey sweetie, I can see you've had a tough day. Why don't you come sit down and relax while I give you a shoulder rub? Do you want some hot chocolate?'   She'll probably be caught off guard by this unexpected kindness, and her negative emotions might reduce a lot, then she'll naturally stop venting so much. After she's calmed down, we can discuss reason with her. We can help her try to see the situation in a different light and understand her teacher's perspective.   I might say, 'Wow, sounds like your teacher has it pretty rough. He tries so hard at his job to make sure his students get good grades, but as a result, his students are all upset at him. What a tragedy!'   Or I might say, 'You know, I'm pretty jealous of you. Your teacher actually cares a lot about your performance, and he's willing to sacrifice his time for you guys by starting class early and ending late. This way, you have a better chance of getting better grades, getting into a better university, finding a good job, and having a brighter future. Your teacher isn't just doing the bare minimum to get by!'   I might also say, 'Yes, school is rough right now. School is rough for most people. But how long will these school years last? You're in grade 8 right now. In less than 10 years, you'll probably be graduated from university. The effort you put in these 10 years will influence the rest of your life. If you live until 70, then these 10 or so years of effort will impact the next 60 years after. So even if it is hard work and tiring right now, isn't it worthwhile?'   Just to be clear, there is no panacea or one-size-fits-all solution. These are just some ideas I thought of. The important thing isn't to learn the content of my answers, but rather the attitude and frame of mind that I have which allows me to come up with these answers. You need to put yourself in your daughter's shoes, put yourself in that teacher's shoes, and then guide your daughter towards effective and positive thinking, and the way you guide her needs to be suitable for her. Don't be overly demanding."   My Experience: Dealing With A Rude Classmate I was able to practice emulating my teacher's spirit recently. I tutor a few students aged 10-12, and one of them is quite rude (let's call him Bob). Another student (let's call her Betty) always gets really upset when Bob calls her names or steps on her shoes or pushes her. Of course, I've told Bob many times to be respectful and to apologize, but it's not easy for him to change his habits. I then decided to also tell Betty to work on herself rather than always demanding others to change.   I had a short talk with Betty, and I first tried to help her feel understood. I said, "I know you must feel very upset and annoyed at Bob for his rude behavior. It's tough, and I want you to know that I really appreciate your good behavior in class." I then tried to help her see the situation in a different light. I said, "Do you have a habit that you find hard to change?" She said, "I guess slouching."   I said, "Yeah, me too. We know we shouldn't slouch, but we just subconsciously keep doing it. Similarly, Bob has a habit of being rude, maybe because growing up, he saw a lot of rude behavior, so he naturally learned it. What's more, he thinks this is normal and fine. I am trying to change his way of thinking as well, but it really takes time to change someone's habit and way of thinking, so I hope you can help me by role modeling respectful behavior for him and being patient towards his change process. That would be a big help to me."   She said, "OK I'll try."   I said, "Thank you! Also, I want you to think about this question: can Bob really make you upset?"   She said, "Yes of course he makes me mad."   I said,  "Are you saying then that Bob is in charge of your feelings? Who should be in charge of our feelings? It should be ourselves, right? We decide how we feel. Not other people. So no matter how other people treat us, we always have the choice to decide how we feel and react. I want you to try it next time. When Bob tries to provoke you, tell yourself, 'I am going to choose to remain calm because I choose my feelings'. If you can do that, I'll give you a point each time [students in my class can trade points for rewards]. Besides, if you get upset, that's probably exactly what Bob finds entertaining. But if you remain calm and respectful, he might get bored of teasing you."   The next week when we had class, Betty told me about all the annoying stuff Bob did this past week, and that she got really angry at him one time, but she managed to control herself and not get angry two times. I told her, "Wow I am so proud of you! Controlling our anger is one of the hardest things, and you managed to do it twice! You totally earned two points."   Conclusion When trying to help others with interpersonal problems, we need to first understand the perspectives of each person involved and realize that everyone is trying their best to do what they think is right. When we see people's positive intentions, or when we understand others' difficulties, we won't be so critical and judgmental towards them. Second, we need to help the complainer calm down and feel understood before we start talking about reason and logic. Third, when we do speak about reason and logic, it needs to be in a way that resonates with them, and the advice we give should make them feel like it's achievable. Weekly Wisdom #318