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His birth is related to returning vice with virtue. The Daoist sage Laozi said something very similar: "Return vice with virtue." Only people of low virtues would treat others badly. This is a great example of how returning vice with virtue leads to win-win. How might you return vice with virtue next time? Weekly Wisdom #269

"Virtue is how we live happy and free lives. It’s not grandiose nor vague. That means our mind, which is the only thing we control, should always align with these four virtues: He explains that any virtue must follow the golden mean, otherwise it becomes a vice. Wisdom is the supporting foundation for the other three virtues. Conclusion A good, happy, and free life is one that is guided by virtues.

Have you ever been impatient with others because you were really busy? Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 Recently, I got annoyed at my mother for something dumb. Basically, I was going to cook lunch, but because my mother saw that I've been very busy recently, she offered to cook instead. I said, " OK, if you have time, that would be great. Oh yeah there's that pack of vegan chicken that I kept forgetting to cook. Please cook it all. " Later, she told me lunch was ready. I came downstairs and saw that she only cooked half the vegan chicken. I got annoyed and said, " Why did you only cook half of it? There isn't that much. Didn't I say to cook all of it? " She said, " Oops. I forgot you said cook all of it. I cooked a lot of vegetables so I didn't think we need all of it. " I said, " But we already defrosted it. Putting it back in the freezer might mess up the texture. And you already put water in the frying water so I can't fry it now. What are we supposed to do with this remaining chicken? " I was clearly annoyed. My mother calmly said, " Well, if you want to cook all of it, then just take out the water and cook it. It's no big deal. " I was really surprised by her response. I thought she might say something like, " I already cooked lunch, and you're still complaining? " But instead, she practiced the quality of water that I admire so much, which is that water does not butt heads with rock, water flows around rock. In this case, I was like a rock because I was stubborn about my desire for efficiency, but she remained soft and flexible. To not get affected by others' negative emotions is very hard, and I have to admire her for remaining calm in the face of my annoyance. Reflection Later, I reflected on why I got annoyed over such a small and frivolous thing. I think there are a couple interrelated reasons. First, I have been really busy recently, and I always feel like I'm in a rush and that there's never enough time to do all the things I need to do. When I'm already in this agitated mindset, then every small little thing annoys me. Second, I over-focus on convenience and efficiency, which only got exasperated by my busyness. The problem is in me, not in the outside circumstances. I think this is a really common problem that I see in lots of people around me, and it really impacts our happiness and quality of life. Below are some solutions I'm working on. 1: Make peace with the present moment First, I should remember this quote from Confucius: "If you seek speed, then you will not arrive." (Original Text: 欲速则不达) One interpretation of this quote is that haste leads to mistakes, which delays you from arriving at your destination, completing your task, or achieving your goal. For example, when I rushed cooking before, I cut my finger, then I had to spend extra time to stop the bleeding and put on a bandage, then try to finish the cooking. If I was calmer, I would have prevented such a hassle. Another interpretation is to avoid the Arrival Fallacy, which is thinking that I will be happy once I get what I want. In this case, I think I can be happy and peaceful after I finish all the things I need to do. In reality, we can never live in the future, we can only ever live in the present moment. Therefore, if I cannot be calm and at peace with the present moment, then how can I be calm and at peace later? When I finish all my things, I'll end up thinking about more things to do. The problem is not my present moment, the problem is my habit of wanting to live in the future, which is impossible. If instead, I can slow down and calmly do whatever I need to do right now, then I will also be able to remain calm and peaceful in the future. 2: Value relationships first Additionally, I should value relationship harmony more than convenience and efficiency. I know that my personality type really values convenience and hates inefficiencies. So when I saw that my mom only cooked half the vegan chicken, I was thinking, "What is this illogical thinking! It would have taken the same amount of time and oil to cook all the vegan chicken. Why only cook half of it? Now we have re-freeze it, re-thaw it later, heat up the pan again, put in new oil, wait another 10 minutes to cook a second batch. What an unnecessary waste of time!" The matter sounds trivial, but it's the principle of not wasting time that really bothered me. But this is precisely what I need to fix in myself. Next time, I should tell myself, " Relationship harmony is more important than convenience. The key to a happy life is happy relationships, not convenience or efficiency. " Icon Source If I had remembered this, then I would have been able to calmly and nicely tell my mom that she can save a lot of hassle by cooking the whole batch at once. In other words, the content of my words were not the problem, my annoyance was the problem, and the root of that annoyance is my over-focus on efficiency. Moreover, if I had remembered that relationships with loved ones should be my priority, then despite my busy schedule, I would still take the time to check in on loved ones and help out wherever needed. To redeem myself, I later took initiative to help my mom with some laundry even though I was busy working at that time. 3: Manage my priorities and time better The above two solutions address the problem from the root: the mind. But I can also make adjustments at the action level. For example, I should carve out some time every day to reflect on my time management and to choose my priorities more thoughtfully. As the saying goes, "You can do anything you set your mind to, but not everything." I need to be focused on my one or two priorities and let go of the rest. When facing interruptions or new requests for my time, I shouldn't get sidetracked so easily. I need to ask, " Is this important? Is this urgent? Must I absolutely interrupt my original plan to do this thing right now? " In my experience, when I have crystal clarity on my priorities, I can be more disciplined in my time management and resist distractions. This prevents me from wanting to do more than what is realistic, which prevents the feeling of not having enough time and getting annoyed as a result. I also learned that when planning my time, I should give time to others in order of gratitude because this aligns with our innate sense of right or wrong. Since I am more grateful to my family than my workplace, I should prioritize them first. If I'm doing work, and my family needs some quick help, then I'm happy to help out immediately. If they need a big favor, then I can calmly communicate a more suitable time to help out. Conclusion We are all busy people, but we should not let busyness be an excuse for a bad attitude towards others. After all, the key to a happy life is good relationships, not convenience. Do you have other solutions? If so, I'd love to hear them. Weekly Wisdom #245

Do you know what the oldest land-living animal is? Well, you can probably guess from the title. Indeed, it's a 190-year-old tortoise, named Jonathan, identified by the Guinness World Records in January of 2022. Image Source This isn't just a cool trivia though, we can actually learn some wisdom from the spirit of the tortoise (and turtle). 1: Slow and steady achieves the goal We've probably all heard of the story of the tortoise and the hare. From the story, we see the importance of persistence, and often, persistence means slow and steady. Have you started something, and you initially had a burst of motivation, but after a while, that enthusiasm died out, and you stopped? That's analogous to the hare who ran really fast at first, but stopped before reaching the finish line. Image Source It is great to have a burst of motivation if we are doing a sprint. However, most things in life are not sprints; they are marathons. If we over-exert ourselves in the beginning, we will quickly run out of fuel and give up. That's why runners talk about the "85% rule", which means instead of running at 100% speed, run at 85%. This is the optimal energy expenditure that balances speed and endurance. We can apply the 85% rules to other areas of life too, such as towards work, learning something new, or changing a habit. When working, we might get anxious for big results in a short amount of time. This desire stresses us out. If we can recognize that work is a marathon, that it takes consistent accumulation over time, then our stress would decrease and our work quality would increase. Moreover, when we are rushed, we easily make mistakes. Fixing these mistakes then takes even more time, making us even more stressed. That's why there's a common saying that goes, "Slow is smooth. Smooth is fast." When trying to learn something new or change a habit, if we are too rushed for results, then we easily get frustrated and give up. Or worse, we swing back to our old habits with greater force than before. We should learn from the spirit of the tortoise: slow and steady achieves the goal. 2: Calm and steady is longevity I think the tortoise's calm and steady temperament is definitely related to its longevity. When we are calm and steady, our heart beats calmly and slower. When we are agitated or hasty, our heart beats faster. Everything wears and tears, so a person with a hasty and impatient personality will wear down their heart faster than the person with a calm and steady personality. Also, most injuries happen due to uncarefulness, and uncarefulness often results from haste. Just think about the last time you accidentally hurt yourself. Were you rushed? Or distracted? Distraction and multitasking are also related to haste (greedy for more results in a shorter amount of time). Injuries become increasingly dangerous as someone gets older, so cultivating a calm and steady personality will help us prevent injuries and suffering. 3: Protect yourself When a tortoise encounters danger, it retracts its head, tail, and four limbs into its sturdy shell. Buddhism uses the six limbs of the tortoise as an analogy for our six senses: sight, hearing, smell, touch, taste, and mind. We need to be able to discern good influences from bad influences, and when we encounter bad influences, we should block them out. The Buddha said, "Do not associate with the ignorant. Instead, befriend the wise. Respect the virtuous. This is the greatest blessing." Jim Rohn echoed the same idea when he said, "You're the average of the five people you spend most time with." It's not just people that influence us. It's all the media and information that enter our minds. If we are constantly around wise people, we naturally get influenced and become wiser. If we are constantly surrounded by negative energy, we get influenced and start thinking negatively. What many people fail to do is consciously filter the media and information that they encounter through their eyes and ears. To filter, we can ask some simple questions: Is this giving me positive energy or negative energy? Is this making me better or making me worse? Is this helping me or hurting me? Aside from the information we consume, we also need to protect ourselves from triggers of bad habits or vices. For example, if I know that sweets are my weakness, and I need to cut down on sugar and fat, then I should avoid things that trigger my desire for sweets. That means I should get rid of sweets in my home so that I am not tempted by the sight, smell, or touch of them. I should avoid talking about sweets with friends to prevent these thoughts from coming up. I shouldn't have improper thoughts like "It's not a big deal if I break my plan. Just a little will satisfy my craving." We need to be absolutely honest with ourselves about what is important and what we are willing to sacrifice for those important things. Just to be clear, this example is not suggesting to cut off a bad habit completely right away. Earlier, we already mentioned that if people have a ferocious start, they often swing back to their old habits after that initial burst of motivation dies out. It's better to start off slow with a manageable change, then we gradually add momentum. The point of the sweets example is to avoid the triggers that can be avoided. If we already know we want to cut down on sweets, then we should eliminate, or at least limit, the triggers in our immediate environment. We can establish a plan for ourselves on how many sweets we can eat per day or per week and follow that plan to build our discipline. Although this example is about sweets, the principle applies to any bad habit. My Experience My personality really values efficiency and likes speed, so I need to learn from the spirit of the tortoise. I often push myself to achieve more, and this can result in neglecting health or relationships, which is not worth it. Usually, there isn't a real need for me to achieve so much so fast; it's just my personality, so I need to work on that. I've found daily meditation to be quite helpful in calming the mind. Calm and steady in everyday actions is also something I've been working on. This quote from Thich Nhat Han left a deep impression on me: “If while washing dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not 'washing the dishes to wash the dishes.' What’s more, we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes. In fact we are completely incapable of realizing the miracle of life while standing at the sink. If we can’t wash the dishes, the chances are we won’t be able to drink our tea either. While drinking the cup of tea, we will only be thinking of other things, barely aware of the cup in our hands. Thus we are sucked away into the future—and we are incapable of actually living one minute of life.” I noticed that when I'm eating, I'm usually thinking about things I need to do later, so I eat really fast. Sometimes, if I'm stressed, I end up biting my lip by accident, which then creates an ulcer that I have to endure for a week. So I've been working on eating slower and more consciously. This way, not only do I prevent ulcers, I also enjoy my food more and improve my digestion. This also applies to other things too, like doing chores or going for a walk. As for protecting the six senses, I've filtered my social media content to be wise, positive, and inspirational content. I also reflect daily using a to-be list, which helps me to be the kind of person that I want to attract into my life. Conclusion The spirit of the tortoise is calm, steady, persevering, and self-protective. These are all wonderful traits that we can learn from, and they will help us to achieve our goals, live longer, and be wiser. Are there any animals that inspire you? Why?

There's a proverb that goes, "It takes two to argue."   Put in another way, one person can start an argument, but it takes two to keep that argument going. This is useful advice for whenever we get upset at someone and argue with them. Image Source   Recently, I've been teaching summer school to kids around 10 years old, and an incident reminded me of this proverb. One student named Albert came into class late and saw two plastic water bottles on his table. He said, "These aren't mine,"  and then put one water bottle on his neighbor Leon's desk. Leon replied, "This isn't mine either,"  and put it back on Albert's desk. Albert then put the water bottle back on Leon's desk, and they started fighting. I was talking to the class at the time, and when I saw them suddenly making a commotion out of nowhere, I stopped the class and asked them what's wrong.   Albert told me "There are two water bottles here on my desk, but none of them are mine, so I put one on Leon's desk."  Leon said, "They're not mine either, so I put it back on his desk, and then he kept trying to put one back on my desk."   I said, "OK everyone, this is a great chance to practice conflict resolution. We'll all encounter weird problems and unexpected misunderstandings in life, so we need to know how to handle them. Firstly, it's important to keep calm and understand the other person's perspective. So Albert, if these are not your water bottles, why did you want to put one on Leon's desk? Did you ask him if it's his?"   Albert said, "No. I just don't think I should have two water bottles on my desk when they're not even mine, so I put one on Leon's desk."   Leon said, "What kind of logic is that!"   I said, "OK Leon, you're very logical, then why would you keep putting the water bottle back on Albert's desk? Leon, Albert, do you think there's a better way to handle the situation?"   They remained silent.   I said, "If it's not your water bottles and none of you want them on your desk, why don't you just raise your hand and tell the teacher? The teacher can take the water bottles away. Or just put it in your desk for now, and during break time, you can throw them out."   They said, "Oh."   I said, "Remember, if you get into a conflict with someone, you're the same level of maturity and intelligence as them. If even one person is calm enough and wise enough, a conflict cannot happen. We shouldn't hope for others to be the mature one, so our best bet is to be that mature person ourselves. So when we encounter conflict, it's important to keep calm and focus on solving the problem as opposed to trying to defeat the other person."   Although we might chuckle at the kids for being so immature, the truth of the matter is, we adults are often not mature enough either. For example, if someone misunderstands us and criticizes us unfairly, do the flames of anger flair up in us? Do we think, "How dare they! That’s so unfair!"  Or do we think, "Hmm I wonder what I did to make them misunderstand me? Well, he can try to have conflict with me, but I'm not going to have conflict with him."   Another time in class, I was waiting to start class, but many kids were talking loudly. I then said, "If you keep talking, I will ask you to leave the class."  Then some students said, "Oh me! I want to leave the class!" I then felt a flair of anger and said, "Out. Now."   I later reflected, that was quite dumb of me. Why did I do that? It's because I got angry and impatient towards the kids, and that negative emotion blocked my wisdom. I was subconsciously thinking, "You rude and entitled brats! If you don't appreciate being in my class, then leave." But getting them to leave helps no one, and it's actually my job to keep them in my class and teach them, so I had to go out, talk to them, and get them to come back in.   If I were more calm and wise, I could've brought out some treats and said, "Wow I see this student is sitting very quietly waiting for class to begin. Such a good role model! Here's a treat for you."  If there are still students talking loudly, I could say, "Oh I hear this student is still being loud and not listening to the teacher. I guess I will deduct their hard-earned points then. What a shame." The point is, there are much more effective solutions than getting angry and making them leave the classroom, but I have to have the cultivation to remain calm in order to think of such solutions.   Concluding Thoughts When was the last time you had a conflict with someone? How could you have handled it differently to prevent or diffuse the conflict? Weekly Wisdom #356

Image Source Do you have a hero that you admire? If so, what do you admire about that hero? Growing up, I watched a lot of superhero movies. As a kid, I thought these heroes were really awesome because of their superpowers, and I would often daydream about who would win if different heroes were to face off against each other. As I got older, I started to appreciate the story and character development of these heroes. I noticed that all these heroes had to face self-doubt, suffering, and defeat. Whereas most people would give up, they faced the darkness within and outside their heart and overcame that darkness. In other words, a hero is not someone who was born with great optimism and strength and remained that way their whole life. They have inner struggles just like anyone else, but they face those inner villains and overcome them, and that's why they can then defeat the outer villains. One can even say that it's precisely because of these difficulties that they could become heroes. As Mencius said, "Thus, before the world confers great responsibility to a person, it first toils one's mind, exhausts one's sinews and bones, starves one's body, subjects one to poverty, and obstructs one's efforts. Through all this, one's mind is stimulated, nature strengthened, and incompetencies mended." (Original text: "故天將降大任於是人也, 必先苦其心志, 勞其筋骨, 餓其體膚, 空乏其身, 行拂亂其所為, 所以動心忍性, 曾益其所不能.") I once heard someone say that a macho general can be extremely ferocious on the battlefield, but if you force him to overcome one of his bad habits, like quitting smoking or not getting angry, he can't do it. He curls into a ball on the floor shivering in tears. OK maybe that second part is just my imagination, but you get the point. A true hero is able to master oneself and unlock one's full potential, while ordinary people succumb to their bad habits. But what gives heroes the strength and motivation to overcome oneself and to face those seemingly impossible-to-defeat villains? I think it's because of their great love. Most of these heroes put the safety and wellbeing of their loved ones, or even everyone in the world, in their heart, so they are able to rise to the challenge. And I think it's this spirit that's what makes a hero a hero. With this realization, I started having much more respect towards people around me. For example, my parents went through a lot of difficulty to raise me, but they always did their best to give me the best that they could. They have that heroic spirit. I also know people who weren't born with the greatest ability or situations, but they always gave their best, and even though they might not have succeeded at their endeavors, their heroic spirit has earned my admiration. One such person is Confucius. I was recently reading Confucian Reflections by Philip Ivanhoe, and in this book, he said that Confucius is someone "who knows it won't work out but keeps at it." This line really struck me because I'm a pragmatist; if I know something won't work, I wouldn't bother wasting my time. Even before I read this line, I already admired Confucius for his great wisdom, so naturally, I wanted to understand why such a wise sage would keep trying at something that he knows wouldn't work. For context, Confucius lived in a turbulent world where many small states had corrupted governments. He travelled around to different states to spread his philosophy of benevolence and moral excellence, hoping to find a ruler who would resonate with his ideals and collaborate to restore the golden days from the Zhou dynasty. Unfortunately, rejection came after rejection. He even got attacked and held hostage! But despite all these setbacks, Confucius didn't falter in his faith or efforts. He continued his travels…for 14 years! Eventually, he decided to return to his hometown and start teaching. Now, over 2500 years later, his teachings have spread all across the world. Since I want to learn from Confucius's heroic spirit, I try to put myself into Confucius's shoes. Why was he able to get up failure after failure? He was even willing to sacrifice his life for his ideals. What gave him such a strong purpose? I think it's just like heroes in the movies: he put the wellbeing of the whole world in his heart. In The Analects of Confucius, there is a passage where Confucius asks some students about their aspirations. Afterwards, a student asks Confucius for his aspirations. Confucius replied, "For the elderly to be given peace and comfort, for friends to treat each other with trust and good faith, and for the young to be treated with love and care." (Original text: "老者安之, 朋友信之, 少者懷之.") The thing is, Confucius technically did not succeed in persuading any of the kings he encountered to collaborate with him. When he died, there were probably many people who viewed Confucius as a failure. Who would have known that he would leave such a big mark in history? Perhaps that's one reason why we need to have and to chase those seemingly impossible ideals. If Confucius didn't do so, how would he have gained the wealth of experience and wisdom to teach his students? It's precisely because he always gave his best towards his dreams that he unlocked such profound wisdom, deemed worthy of being passed on generation after generation for thousands of years. Moreover, one of my Chinese philosophy teachers explained that Confucius's ideals actually were realized. It just wasn't in his lifetime. About 250 years after Confucius, the Han dynasty started, and they made Confucianism the state ideology. All government officials studied Confucian teachings, and a golden era of peace and prosperity was born. Throughout the next 2500 years, all the way to present day, Confucian teachings remained widely studied and used. So perhaps another reason why Confucius chased those seemingly impossible ideals is because he wasn't impatient for quick results. He knew that he might not see results in his lifetime, but if he didn't work towards them, then the future generations wouldn't have a chance at them either. Thus, Confucius focused on doing his utmost to plant the seeds for an ideal world. When the conditions will become ripe for those seeds to grow and fruit is of secondary importance, but at least he planted the seeds, and he can leave this world with a peaceful conscience knowing that he did his best for a worthy cause. From Confucius's heroic example, I became more motivated to seek and pursue an ideal. I really hope that everyone in the world can have great wisdom and kindness because I believe these are two keys to a meaningful and well-lived life. Confucius also taught us to start with improving ourselves; only when we defeat the villains within ourselves can we solve the problems outside. When we improve, we set a good example for others, and others will naturally be interested in learning from us without any forcing. In this way, we naturally spread our influence broader and broader. Is there an ideal that you strive for? Who is it for? What villains do you need to overcome? Weekly Wisdom #279

I recently read this news article  about a sign that a coffee shop in Richmond posted outside their shop. The coffee shop is called CUPS Coffee & Tea, and the sign reads: "Small coffee $5.00. Small coffee, please $3.00. Hello, one small coffee please $1.75."   Image Source   Austin Simmons, the employee who wrote the sign, said, "I decided because I need to solve all the injustices of the world to start charging more for people who didn't take the time to say hello and connect and realize we're all people behind the counter,"   He wrote the sign on Sunday, and by Monday, it was in a newspaper in England. This sign applies not just to a cup of coffee, but to all requests. If we have good etiquette, people would be happy to help us; bad etiquette, and people would be reluctant.   Although the sign might be a joke, like many jokes, there is often some truth behind it. The fact that this picture got picked up by the press and became viral on Reddit means that it really struck a chord with people. In other words, people inherently and naturally value politeness and etiquette.   As a teacher at a summer camp, I encounter some rude and naughty children. People are naturally less fond of impolite children. Yet when these exact same children suddenly say something polite like "good morning teacher" or do something polite like share their snacks, we suddenly like them more and have more faith in their future.   Confucius said, "If one does not learn etiquette, one will be unable to establish oneself in society."   Society is founded on interpersonal relationships, and our etiquette is reflected in every interpersonal interaction. If we have good etiquette, we would naturally have good relationships with others and be welcomed by all. If we have excellent etiquette, we might even touch others' hearts and earn their devotion. On the other hand, if we have poor etiquette, we are bound to have many interpersonal conflicts, and we might offend others without even realizing it. As a result, others might dislike us and distance away from us, or worse, be angry at us and seek to harm us. Moreover, we tend to neglect etiquette more with the people closest to us, such as our family members, which is also a reason why people tend to have more conflicts with family members.   For example, I was chatting with a friend in his room the other night, and he remembered that he needed to call his girlfriend to tell her something. When he picked up the phone, he got straight to the topic. After he hung up, I advised him that it might be better if he first said, "Hey are you free right now? I need to tell you something. This would make her feel more respected."   Etiquette like this might seem like a small thing, but small things happen frequently in daily life, which means the impact of small things add up quickly over time to become a big thing. Below are some more examples.   General When asking for something, say please. When others help you, say thank you. After waking up, say good morning to those you live with. Before going to bed, say good night to those you live with. Before going out, let the people in your house know. After coming back, let them know. Wear clothing that is suitable for the occasion. Check that your clothing is worn properly (e.g., buttons, zippers, etc.). Before going out, make sure you are clean and tidy. Have good hygiene. Aim to arrive 10 minutes early. You'll never know if you'll get delayed, and arriving late seems like you don't respect other people's time. If others are late, tell them "It's no rush. Take your time." When sneezing, sneeze into your elbow, not hands, and say excuse me. Walk behind elders. When there's a door, go ahead to open the door for them. When elders call you to help them, go promptly. When you're done, leave slowly. If you leave really quickly, it feels like you're very eager to leave, as if you're unhappy to help them. Don't speak loudly in quiet places. Don't disturb others when they're busy or in a bad mood. Knock before entering someone else's room. Respect other people's space. When people call you or message you, try to respond promptly. Don't make others wait too long. When standing or talking with others, don't block doors or paths. When walking in a crowded place, don't stare at your phone because you'll walk slowly and block other people. If others do us a big favor, give a gift as a token of appreciation. If you borrow something, try to return it in the same condition or better. If you make a mess, promptly clean it up yourself. Don't leave it for someone else. If you see someone struggling (e.g., elderly, parents with strollers), offer to help. Give up your seat on public transit for those who need it more. Give holiday greetings to people whom you may not contact frequently but have helped you a lot in the past. It's a way to show you still remember them.   Conversation When others share bad news with you, don't talk about your good news and vice versa. Don't brag or boast about yourself. Be humble. When others are speaking, look at them and listen attentively. Don't look at your phone, and don't interrupt. In front of others, speak about others' good points, not bad points, and don't gossip. If you need to advise others on their weaknesses, do so in private. Most people need encouragement not criticism. If we need to give criticism, make sure it's in private and do so with a caring attitude. Also, give some praise first before giving constructive criticism. When speaking, make sure your pace and volume are suitable for the listener. When calling others, first ask if they're free to talk. Don't assume they are free just because they picked up the phone. Or even better, schedule the call beforehand. Don't dominate conversations. Respect different opinions. If you disagree, do so respectfully and try to be understanding. Apologize sincerely when you’ve hurt or inconvenienced someone.   Work Be professional at work. Be mindful of your language, behavior, and conversation topics. Start with a bit of chit chat before talking about business. Show consideration and interest in their life. Avoid calling or messaging others late at night when they are about to rest or right before work ends. For emails, you can use an email scheduler to send it during work hours. Keep your workspace tidy. It reflects your professionalism. Respect deadlines and others’ time. Don’t procrastinate on team tasks. Give credit where it’s due. Acknowledge others’ contributions. If you’re running late or need to cancel a meeting, inform others as early as possible. Avoid speaking negatively about colleagues or gossiping.   Dining Don't eat and talk at the same time. Chew with your mouth closed. If there's an elder (e.g., parents, grandparents, managers, etc.) at the table, try to eat at the same pace as them. If you eat too fast, they may feel pressured to eat faster. If you eat too slow, they have to wait for you. For shareable dishes, offer others to get some first. Don't take the biggest piece yourself first. Use the communal utensils. After a meal at a restaurant, try to clean up the table a bit to reduce the work for the restaurant staff. Say thank you before leaving. If with elders, let elders go first. For example, let elders take the first bite, wait for them to get up before you get up, wait for them to sit down before you sit down. Wait until everyone's food has arrived before eating. Some places like to split the bill; others like to take turns treating. Follow the local custom.   Travel When traveling, respect and follow the local customs and culture. If friends visit from afar, take them out for a meal. When visiting friends from afar, bring a gift. When staying in other people's homes or even hotels, try to leave the place as clean and tidy as when you entered. When staying at someone's home, ask how long is convenient for them. Avoid overstaying. Send a thank-you message or note after staying at a friend's place. Don't snoop through other people's personal belongings or enter closed rooms without permission.   Some of this etiquette might seem like common sense to a lot of us, but not everyone has learned it (or at least they don't realize the importance of it), so it's important for us to be tolerant to others rather than getting judgmental and upset. If we want others to learn it, the best way is to role model it ourselves. When they see good role models time and time again, they will naturally emulate.   These are just some examples that we often encounter, but it's by no means an exhaustive list. We just need to remember that the essence of etiquette is consideration and respect for others, and the goal is to make others feel comfortable.   Also, rules of etiquette differ by culture, so it's very important to understand the culture that you are in. For example, in the west, people like to split the bill, but in the east, people like to take turns paying for the entire bill. There isn't a right or wrong, just different customs.   Ultimately, when we have good etiquette, we will naturally have good relationships and be welcomed by people everywhere. On the contrary, if we have poor etiquette, people will dislike us and won't want to associate with us. Moreover, good relationships are a big source of happiness, while relationship conflicts are a major cause of suffering. Thus, we can see that these small matters of etiquette are truly important.   Conclusion As the saying goes, "Manners maketh man." Image Source Although the coffee sign shop might be a joke, there is deep wisdom behind it. If we want to solve the problems of the world and make the world a better place, a foundational place to start is to promote good etiquette, starting with our own role modeling. If you have any other items of etiquette that you want to share, feel free to do so in the comments. Weekly Wisdom #349

Are you afraid of making mistakes and failing? Does the fear of mistakes and failure make you nervous before you do something? Do you feel a pit in your stomach when you make a mistake or fail? Afterwards, do you keep replaying past mistakes and failures in your head and criticize yourself for them? Icon Sources: 1 , 2   There are many things we cannot avoid in life, and mistakes (less serious) and failures (more serious) are two of them. Given this fact, do we have an effective way of thinking towards mistakes and failures? In the past, I didn't, so I answered "yes" to all the questions above. After learning ancient philosophy, I've developed a more effective way of thinking towards mistakes and failures, and although I'm not completely invincible against the discomfort of mistakes or the pain of failure, I'm much better than before.   Below are 7 important teachings that greatly helped me. For the sake of brevity, I will just use the term "mistake" or "failure" rather than "mistakes and failures", as both are mutually encompassing.   1: Mistakes are only mistakes if you don't learn from them. Motivational speaker Jay Shetty said, "Failures are only failures if you don't learn from them because if you learn from them, they become lessons."   If we think, " Today I made a mistake… ", we'll feel bad. But if we think, " Today I learned something that will help me in the future ", we'll feel good. How we think determines how we feel . So after we make a mistake, we need to reflect on why we made this mistake and how to prevent the same kind of mistake in the future. Once we have confidence that we can do better in the future, we'll feel better.   In my experience, it's best to do this reflection sooner rather than later, before our memory fades. By doing this, we can more easily let go of that mistake and not keep thinking about it. If that mistake pops up in our mind again in the future, we can tell ourselves, "I've already reflected on it and learned from it. I don't need to keep blaming myself for it."   2: Mistakes are an opportunity for growth and joy. As the previous point mentioned, all mistakes hold lessons within them that we need to dig out. Moreover, learning and growing is a joyful thing. As Socrates said, "Just as one person delights in improving his farm, and another his horse, so I delight in attending to my own improvement day by day."   It's not just Socrates who enjoys self-improvement; it's human nature to delight in one's own growth. If we're not making mistakes, then chances are, we aren't challenging ourselves, which also means we aren't growing, and we'll be missing out on the joy of growth. If we've gone a long time without any improvement, we'll feel like we're stagnating. So making mistakes is a good sign: it means we have opportunities for the joy of growth. In my daily journal, if I made a certain mistake one day, and then another day I consciously corrected that mistake, I feel good. Then I try to maintain that good behavior. No one's improvement is a smooth upwards line; usually it's full of ups and downs, but as long as we consciously persist, the long-term trend will be upwards, and once we've maintained improvement for a worthy amount of time, we'll be very satisfied with our growth.   3: Failure is the mother of success. I once heard a story about Thomas Edison, the inventor of the light bulb who failed thousands of times before he finally succeeded. One time, a young reporter asked him, “Mr. Edison, how does it feel to have failed 10,000 times in your present venture?”  Edison replied, “Young man, I will give you a thought that should benefit you in the future. I have not failed anything 10,000 times. I have successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work.”   If we want to do anything worthwhile in life, it's not going to be all smooth-sailing. There will definitely be bumps and hurdles along the way, and yes, that means mistakes and failures. But it's precisely thanks to these mistakes, or more accurately, the lessons that we gain from these mistakes, that enable us to finally succeed in the future. In a sense, people need to accumulate failures AND lessons to attain success (if we simply accumulate failures without any learnings, then we'll just keep failing in the future). Oftentimes, we look at successful people and only see their success, but what we fail to see is the great amount of failures they've accumulated beforehand. In other words, successful people aren't just more successful than normal people, they've also failed a lot more than normal people. When we realize this, not only will we not be so afraid of making mistakes, we might even feel like we aren't making enough! Of course, the point isn't to make mistakes on purpose, but rather to challenge ourselves towards a worthy goal and continuously learn along the way (which is a joyful thing).   4: Fail small. Adjust fast. When planning, we should predict things that might go wrong and make contingency plans for them. But no matter how diligently we plan, we can't predict the future, and there will probably be unexpected challenges. Hence, there's a saying that goes, "No plan survives first encounter with reality."   If we are aware of this, then not only will we not be surprised in the face of mistakes and unexpected problems, we'll be expecting it. We can also learn to fail small and adjust fast. For example, if I am writing a report to my professor, I can send an outline to my professor first to get feedback and quickly learn my mistakes. Then I can adjust and send another plan to my professor. This is less risky than doing the whole report by myself and submitting it without my professor's review beforehand.   To give another example, if I need to make tea for some guests, and I don't have much experience making tea, I should taste test the tea myself, adjust the flavor until I like it, and ask someone else to taste test it too (ideally someone who is knowledgeable on tea). I'm not going to get the taste perfect on the first try. I need to fail small and adjust fast. This is even more important if your decisions or actions will impact others.   5: Do your best, and let go of the rest. I've seen some people who get nervous extremely easily, and it's because they are too worried about making mistakes. That limits their potential and growth. If we are overly worried about making mistakes, it's usually because we are focusing too much on the result or what others think. The thing is, the result and what others think are both out of our control. Worrying doesn't help; in fact, it probably makes us perform worse.   There's a great teaching from the Serenity Prayer (feel free to skip the first word): "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."   Of course, not worrying is easier said than done. But rather than continue to worry in our heads, we should channel that energy into productive action, and that means working on the things we can control. For example, if I have a presentation coming up, rather than worrying that I'll mess up (which I can't control), I should focus my attention and energy on practicing (which I can control). Then on the actual day, before my presentation, I tell myself, "I've already done my best given my circumstances. Whatever happens, happens." If I do make a mistake, which is very likely, I won't be upset because I know I've done my best at what I can control.   If I worry that others will laugh at me for my mistake, then I tell myself things like: "Caring too much about what others think is a main cause of suffering. This is a test for me to practice letting go of ego." "The people who matter won't judge me, and the people who judge me don't matter." "Don't care about the opinions of normal people. Care about the opinions of wise and virtuous people." Daniel Amen's 18/40/60 Rule: When you're 18, you worry about what everybody is thinking of you; when you're 40, you don't give a darn what anybody thinks of you; when you're 60, you realize nobody's been thinking about you at all.   6: Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know in the past. If we still beat ourselves up for past mistakes, it's important to practice self-compassion. No one is perfect. If your best friend made that mistake, would you keep criticizing them over and over afterwards? Of course not. We'd tell them, "It's OK. Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know at the time because you couldn't have known back then." We should do the same for ourselves. 7: Mistakes are normal and inevitable. The important thing is how you respond to them. Again, no one is perfect. So don't beat yourself up for making a mistake. Don't lose faith in yourself if you've failed. It's totally normal.   Given that mistakes are inevitable in life, the important thing is how we respond to mistakes. Can we maintain our calm and peace? The great Stoic philosopher Seneca said, "To bear trials with a calm mind robs misfortune of its strength and burden."   Thus, mistakes are an opportunity for us to cultivate our mind. The mind is our most important asset. Anything and everything we do requires us to use our mind, so strengthening our mind's calm and concentration is one of the best things we can do for ourselves. Usually, after making a mistake or learning that they failed, people become startled and flustered. This weakens the mind, and this is precisely what we need to change. After making a mistake, we need to remember to keep calm. For example, recently, I was trying to carry five porcelain cups on one tray, and I was uncareful, and a porcelain lid fell to the ground and shattered. Instead of getting flustered and upset, I immediately told myself, "Stay calm and slow down."  I then asked a person beside me to help clean up the mess, and to do so carefully. I also asked other people to help carry the remaining cups to the other room. I'm not always able to remain calm right after a mistake, but this time, I was able to, and I'm happy about my growth. Of course, afterwards, I reflected in my journal about why I made that mistake (too impatient and greedy for quick results) so that I can prevent similar mistakes next time.   I've also seen other people mess up in a presentation, and they simply smile and say, "Oops, sorry, I said that wrong. I meant to say… Thanks for your encouraging smiles."  Even though they made a mistake, they didn't get noticeably flustered or embarrassed, so the audience members didn't feel embarrassed either. Their mistakes helped them to improve rather than regress, and that's delightful.   Conclusion What is your default reaction to mistakes and failures? How would you like to change it? Weekly Wisdom #303

Image Source: 1 , 2 There were two couples who were neighbors living across from each other. One couple had arguments and conflict every day. The other couple lived very harmoniously. As time went on, the conflicting couple got tired and frustrated with always arguing, and they envied their harmonious neighbors. One day, the wife from the conflicting couple decided to ask the wife from the harmonious couple what their secret to harmony was. The harmonious wife said, " Oh, simple. In your house, you're all good people. In our house, we're all bad people. " The conflicting wife was bewildered and said, " I don't understand. " The harmonious wife explained, "For example, let's say you put a cup on the table. Your husband accidentally knocks it over and it breaks. You believe that you are right and good in this matter, so you criticize him: ' What's wrong with you? How could you be so careless?' Your husband also believes he is the good guy, so he criticizes you back: ' What's wrong with you ? You shouldn't put the cup so close to the edge of the table! ' But in my house, everyone is a bad guy. If my husband accidentally knocks a cup over, I would say, 'I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have put that cup so close to the edge of the table. It's my fault.' Then my husband would say, 'No it's my fault for being careless while walking. I'm sorry.' Then we happily clean up the mess together." Commentary There is a Chinese saying that goes, "Wise people fight for the blame. Stupid people fight to be right." (賢人爭罪。愚人爭理。) From this story, we can see how the more we try to put the blame on others, the more conflict we create. But when we are humble and take the blame, the conflict is resolved. Wanting others to take the blame is a sure recipe for unhappiness because everyone has an ego. Besides, we cannot control other people's behavior, we can only control ourselves. Moreover, the way we treat others is how others will treat us back. So if we always blame others, others will naturally blame us back. But if we always apologize and respect others, others will also apologize and respect us back. As Mencius said, "One who loves others will constantly be loved by others. One who respects others will constantly be respected by others." (愛人者人恆愛之，敬人者人恆敬之。) I remember hearing this and thinking, " But when I try to be patient and understanding to that person, they don't return the kindness! Then I get upset again. " Later, I learned that relationships are like a bank balance. If I meet a stranger, our relationship bank balance is 0, so if I treat them nice, they will treat me nice back. But for someone that I have had conflict with for a long time, we have a negative relationship bank balance. Apologizing or saying nice words once or twice is not suddenly going to bring the relationship balance back to positive. We have to accumulate over time by apologizing for our past mistakes and doing kind deeds. The more sincere we are, the faster the accumulation. Conclusion If we insist we are the good guys, our relationships might encounter more conflicts. If we insist we are the bad guys, our relationships will have more harmony. Weekly Wisdom #229

Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 In the past few weeks, I had a few misunderstandings with my mom that led to me explaining myself, which only worsened the conflict. It's quite ironic how the more I try to explain myself, the more others think I'm wrong. Although I know that explaining myself usually did not lead to good results in the past, it's just so hard to resist that urge, otherwise I'd feel wrongfully treated. After each time, I reflected on how to prevent the same problem next time. I've tried things like " Treat others the way you want to be treated ", but I think if I unfairly criticize someone, I would want them to tell me. So I start explaining myself, and then it goes downhill. " Be strict with yourself and lenient with others ", but it's quite hard to happily accept the feeling of being wrongfully treated. " Remember karma. If you argue with others, others will argue with you. " But I tell myself that I'm not arguing, I'm just providing a logical explanation, and I don't mind if others critique my logic calmly. So then I start explaining myself, and things get worse from there. Eventually, I went on the Weekly Wisdom Blog to look for advice from past blog posts, and I came across Why Bad Guys Get Along . In it was a quote that sparked hope in me: "Wise people fight for the blame. Stupid people fight to be right." (Original text: 贤人争罪。愚人争理。) I want to be a wise person, not a stupid person. I realized that I am quite stupid for thinking that explaining myself this time will be different from the previous times where it has never worked. I told myself I have to remember this quote the next time I feel unfairly criticized, and I indeed had some success. The Incident One time, my mom put some clothes out to hang dry in the backyard. She had an online class from 2PM to 4PM, and I told her that it might rain around 4PM according to my weather app. She said, " Oh? My app says it won't rain until 8PM. But anyway, my class will end at 4PM, so if it rains before then, can you get it? " I said, " Sure. " I finished going for a run, showering, and washing my clothes at 3:50PM. It was still sunny outside, so I thought maybe my mom's app is more accurate, so I put my clothes outside to dry in the sun. Then I started working on my computer at a desk near the backyard door. Around 4:30, I was very focused on my work, and then my mom passed by my desk and went to the backyard. I thought she was checking out the garden. Then she started bringing in the clothes. I thought she was just bringing in the clothes before it rains, so I continued focusing on my work. After a short while, I saw a pile of stuff by the door, such that it might be hard for my mom to come back in the house, so I went to help out. Then I found out it started raining already. Later, she complained and said, " I know it's good to be focused when you work, but I was kind of annoyed when you ignored me bringing all the clothes and blankets in. Why didn't you take initiative to come help me bring all the stuff in? " I was really tempted to say, "What! How am I wrong here? I was going to bring the stuff in at 4PM, but it was sunny, and you said it wouldn't rain until 8PM, so I even put my clothes out. I didn't know it was raining at 4:30, so it's not like I purposely did not want to help. Why do you assume I don't want to help? Plus, you were already finished class at that point, so I thought I could leave it to you if it did rain, so I focused on my work." But I stopped myself and reminded myself that only stupid people argue to be right. If I want to be a wise person, I should just take the blame. I really had to swallow that uncomfortable feeling of taking the blame when I really didn't think it was fair, but I did it. I said, "OK. Well, I saw the sun at 4PM, so I thought maybe it won't rain for a while like your app said, but it's my fault for taking a risk like that since my phone said it would rain at 4PM. Next time, I should be more cautious and not take unnecessary risks." Then my mom said, "OK I guess I shouldn't have said that it would rain at 8PM." Then the matter was over. If I had explained my whole strain of reasons, I would be blaming my mom, which would make her feel defensive, and we might get into a whole dispute about who should bear the blame. I've been through that routine many times in the past, and I never felt happier afterwards. This time, although it was very uncomfortable for a short moment to swallow my logic and just accept being misunderstood, I was relieved that no argument arose. When I became calmer later, I tried to imagine things from my mom's perspective. In her mind, it was obvious that it's raining. It didn't occur to her that maybe I didn't see it was raining. Given that assumption, her complaint seems reasonable. I've also made wrong assumptions in the past, so I shouldn't be upset at her for making the same mistakes that I make. Later, my mom also apologized for criticizing me instead of calmly asking my perspective first. I guess she calmed down and reflected on herself too. Isn't it so ironic that when I no longer desire to be right, the other person apologies? But if I kept insisting that I'm right and they're wrong, then they would feel defensive and would never admit it. Indeed, taking the blame was the wise thing to do. Conclusion We'll probably all face situations where others unfairly criticize us or misunderstand us. Trying to defend ourselves or argue that we are right rarely ever yields good results (unless the other person wants you to debate with them). Despite knowing this, it is still quite hard to just accept the unfair treatment. If you are able to be considerate and humble and see things from their perspective in the moment, then that's amazing. I'm not at that level yet, so I need some way to help stop myself from arguing, and I found this quote to be useful: " Wise people fight for the blame. Stupid people fight to be right. " It might feel hard to swallow at first, but we'll be relieved afterwards because a conflict was prevented. Once we are calm, we can reflect on the situation better and see things from their perspective. Weekly Wisdom #246

Helping others is a virtue, but sometimes, in our efforts to help others, we unconsciously show off our

already so hard to practice, let alone other people who may not yet see the importance of cultivating virtues them to give it to us, and to view others' criticisms and misunderstandings as training to elevate our virtues