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His birth is related to returning vice with virtue. The Daoist sage Laozi said something very similar: "Return vice with virtue." Only people of low virtues would treat others badly. This is a great example of how returning vice with virtue leads to win-win. How might you return vice with virtue next time? Weekly Wisdom #269

"Virtue is how we live happy and free lives. It’s not grandiose nor vague. That means our mind, which is the only thing we control, should always align with these four virtues: He explains that any virtue must follow the golden mean, otherwise it becomes a vice. Wisdom is the supporting foundation for the other three virtues. Conclusion A good, happy, and free life is one that is guided by virtues.

Do you know what the oldest land-living animal is? Well, you can probably guess from the title. Indeed, it's a 190-year-old tortoise, named Jonathan, identified by the Guinness World Records in January of 2022. Image Source This isn't just a cool trivia though, we can actually learn some wisdom from the spirit of the tortoise (and turtle). 1: Slow and steady achieves the goal We've probably all heard of the story of the tortoise and the hare. From the story, we see the importance of persistence, and often, persistence means slow and steady. Have you started something, and you initially had a burst of motivation, but after a while, that enthusiasm died out, and you stopped? That's analogous to the hare who ran really fast at first, but stopped before reaching the finish line. Image Source It is great to have a burst of motivation if we are doing a sprint. However, most things in life are not sprints; they are marathons. If we over-exert ourselves in the beginning, we will quickly run out of fuel and give up. That's why runners talk about the "85% rule", which means instead of running at 100% speed, run at 85%. This is the optimal energy expenditure that balances speed and endurance. We can apply the 85% rules to other areas of life too, such as towards work, learning something new, or changing a habit. When working, we might get anxious for big results in a short amount of time. This desire stresses us out. If we can recognize that work is a marathon, that it takes consistent accumulation over time, then our stress would decrease and our work quality would increase. Moreover, when we are rushed, we easily make mistakes. Fixing these mistakes then takes even more time, making us even more stressed. That's why there's a common saying that goes, "Slow is smooth. Smooth is fast." When trying to learn something new or change a habit, if we are too rushed for results, then we easily get frustrated and give up. Or worse, we swing back to our old habits with greater force than before. We should learn from the spirit of the tortoise: slow and steady achieves the goal. 2: Calm and steady is longevity I think the tortoise's calm and steady temperament is definitely related to its longevity. When we are calm and steady, our heart beats calmly and slower. When we are agitated or hasty, our heart beats faster. Everything wears and tears, so a person with a hasty and impatient personality will wear down their heart faster than the person with a calm and steady personality. Also, most injuries happen due to uncarefulness, and uncarefulness often results from haste. Just think about the last time you accidentally hurt yourself. Were you rushed? Or distracted? Distraction and multitasking are also related to haste (greedy for more results in a shorter amount of time). Injuries become increasingly dangerous as someone gets older, so cultivating a calm and steady personality will help us prevent injuries and suffering. 3: Protect yourself When a tortoise encounters danger, it retracts its head, tail, and four limbs into its sturdy shell. Buddhism uses the six limbs of the tortoise as an analogy for our six senses: sight, hearing, smell, touch, taste, and mind. We need to be able to discern good influences from bad influences, and when we encounter bad influences, we should block them out. The Buddha said, "Do not associate with the ignorant. Instead, befriend the wise. Respect the virtuous. This is the greatest blessing." Jim Rohn echoed the same idea when he said, "You're the average of the five people you spend most time with." It's not just people that influence us. It's all the media and information that enter our minds. If we are constantly around wise people, we naturally get influenced and become wiser. If we are constantly surrounded by negative energy, we get influenced and start thinking negatively. What many people fail to do is consciously filter the media and information that they encounter through their eyes and ears. To filter, we can ask some simple questions: Is this giving me positive energy or negative energy? Is this making me better or making me worse? Is this helping me or hurting me? Aside from the information we consume, we also need to protect ourselves from triggers of bad habits or vices. For example, if I know that sweets are my weakness, and I need to cut down on sugar and fat, then I should avoid things that trigger my desire for sweets. That means I should get rid of sweets in my home so that I am not tempted by the sight, smell, or touch of them. I should avoid talking about sweets with friends to prevent these thoughts from coming up. I shouldn't have improper thoughts like "It's not a big deal if I break my plan. Just a little will satisfy my craving." We need to be absolutely honest with ourselves about what is important and what we are willing to sacrifice for those important things. Just to be clear, this example is not suggesting to cut off a bad habit completely right away. Earlier, we already mentioned that if people have a ferocious start, they often swing back to their old habits after that initial burst of motivation dies out. It's better to start off slow with a manageable change, then we gradually add momentum. The point of the sweets example is to avoid the triggers that can be avoided. If we already know we want to cut down on sweets, then we should eliminate, or at least limit, the triggers in our immediate environment. We can establish a plan for ourselves on how many sweets we can eat per day or per week and follow that plan to build our discipline. Although this example is about sweets, the principle applies to any bad habit. My Experience My personality really values efficiency and likes speed, so I need to learn from the spirit of the tortoise. I often push myself to achieve more, and this can result in neglecting health or relationships, which is not worth it. Usually, there isn't a real need for me to achieve so much so fast; it's just my personality, so I need to work on that. I've found daily meditation to be quite helpful in calming the mind. Calm and steady in everyday actions is also something I've been working on. This quote from Thich Nhat Han left a deep impression on me: “If while washing dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not 'washing the dishes to wash the dishes.' What’s more, we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes. In fact we are completely incapable of realizing the miracle of life while standing at the sink. If we can’t wash the dishes, the chances are we won’t be able to drink our tea either. While drinking the cup of tea, we will only be thinking of other things, barely aware of the cup in our hands. Thus we are sucked away into the future—and we are incapable of actually living one minute of life.” I noticed that when I'm eating, I'm usually thinking about things I need to do later, so I eat really fast. Sometimes, if I'm stressed, I end up biting my lip by accident, which then creates an ulcer that I have to endure for a week. So I've been working on eating slower and more consciously. This way, not only do I prevent ulcers, I also enjoy my food more and improve my digestion. This also applies to other things too, like doing chores or going for a walk. As for protecting the six senses, I've filtered my social media content to be wise, positive, and inspirational content. I also reflect daily using a to-be list, which helps me to be the kind of person that I want to attract into my life. Conclusion The spirit of the tortoise is calm, steady, persevering, and self-protective. These are all wonderful traits that we can learn from, and they will help us to achieve our goals, live longer, and be wiser. Are there any animals that inspire you? Why?

Image Source Do you have a hero that you admire? If so, what do you admire about that hero? Growing up, I watched a lot of superhero movies. As a kid, I thought these heroes were really awesome because of their superpowers, and I would often daydream about who would win if different heroes were to face off against each other. As I got older, I started to appreciate the story and character development of these heroes. I noticed that all these heroes had to face self-doubt, suffering, and defeat. Whereas most people would give up, they faced the darkness within and outside their heart and overcame that darkness. In other words, a hero is not someone who was born with great optimism and strength and remained that way their whole life. They have inner struggles just like anyone else, but they face those inner villains and overcome them, and that's why they can then defeat the outer villains. One can even say that it's precisely because of these difficulties that they could become heroes. As Mencius said, "Thus, before the world confers great responsibility to a person, it first toils one's mind, exhausts one's sinews and bones, starves one's body, subjects one to poverty, and obstructs one's efforts. Through all this, one's mind is stimulated, nature strengthened, and incompetencies mended." (Original text: "故天將降大任於是人也, 必先苦其心志, 勞其筋骨, 餓其體膚, 空乏其身, 行拂亂其所為, 所以動心忍性, 曾益其所不能.") I once heard someone say that a macho general can be extremely ferocious on the battlefield, but if you force him to overcome one of his bad habits, like quitting smoking or not getting angry, he can't do it. He curls into a ball on the floor shivering in tears. OK maybe that second part is just my imagination, but you get the point. A true hero is able to master oneself and unlock one's full potential, while ordinary people succumb to their bad habits. But what gives heroes the strength and motivation to overcome oneself and to face those seemingly impossible-to-defeat villains? I think it's because of their great love. Most of these heroes put the safety and wellbeing of their loved ones, or even everyone in the world, in their heart, so they are able to rise to the challenge. And I think it's this spirit that's what makes a hero a hero. With this realization, I started having much more respect towards people around me. For example, my parents went through a lot of difficulty to raise me, but they always did their best to give me the best that they could. They have that heroic spirit. I also know people who weren't born with the greatest ability or situations, but they always gave their best, and even though they might not have succeeded at their endeavors, their heroic spirit has earned my admiration. One such person is Confucius. I was recently reading Confucian Reflections by Philip Ivanhoe, and in this book, he said that Confucius is someone "who knows it won't work out but keeps at it." This line really struck me because I'm a pragmatist; if I know something won't work, I wouldn't bother wasting my time. Even before I read this line, I already admired Confucius for his great wisdom, so naturally, I wanted to understand why such a wise sage would keep trying at something that he knows wouldn't work. For context, Confucius lived in a turbulent world where many small states had corrupted governments. He travelled around to different states to spread his philosophy of benevolence and moral excellence, hoping to find a ruler who would resonate with his ideals and collaborate to restore the golden days from the Zhou dynasty. Unfortunately, rejection came after rejection. He even got attacked and held hostage! But despite all these setbacks, Confucius didn't falter in his faith or efforts. He continued his travels…for 14 years! Eventually, he decided to return to his hometown and start teaching. Now, over 2500 years later, his teachings have spread all across the world. Since I want to learn from Confucius's heroic spirit, I try to put myself into Confucius's shoes. Why was he able to get up failure after failure? He was even willing to sacrifice his life for his ideals. What gave him such a strong purpose? I think it's just like heroes in the movies: he put the wellbeing of the whole world in his heart. In The Analects of Confucius, there is a passage where Confucius asks some students about their aspirations. Afterwards, a student asks Confucius for his aspirations. Confucius replied, "For the elderly to be given peace and comfort, for friends to treat each other with trust and good faith, and for the young to be treated with love and care." (Original text: "老者安之, 朋友信之, 少者懷之.") The thing is, Confucius technically did not succeed in persuading any of the kings he encountered to collaborate with him. When he died, there were probably many people who viewed Confucius as a failure. Who would have known that he would leave such a big mark in history? Perhaps that's one reason why we need to have and to chase those seemingly impossible ideals. If Confucius didn't do so, how would he have gained the wealth of experience and wisdom to teach his students? It's precisely because he always gave his best towards his dreams that he unlocked such profound wisdom, deemed worthy of being passed on generation after generation for thousands of years. Moreover, one of my Chinese philosophy teachers explained that Confucius's ideals actually were realized. It just wasn't in his lifetime. About 250 years after Confucius, the Han dynasty started, and they made Confucianism the state ideology. All government officials studied Confucian teachings, and a golden era of peace and prosperity was born. Throughout the next 2500 years, all the way to present day, Confucian teachings remained widely studied and used. So perhaps another reason why Confucius chased those seemingly impossible ideals is because he wasn't impatient for quick results. He knew that he might not see results in his lifetime, but if he didn't work towards them, then the future generations wouldn't have a chance at them either. Thus, Confucius focused on doing his utmost to plant the seeds for an ideal world. When the conditions will become ripe for those seeds to grow and fruit is of secondary importance, but at least he planted the seeds, and he can leave this world with a peaceful conscience knowing that he did his best for a worthy cause. From Confucius's heroic example, I became more motivated to seek and pursue an ideal. I really hope that everyone in the world can have great wisdom and kindness because I believe these are two keys to a meaningful and well-lived life. Confucius also taught us to start with improving ourselves; only when we defeat the villains within ourselves can we solve the problems outside. When we improve, we set a good example for others, and others will naturally be interested in learning from us without any forcing. In this way, we naturally spread our influence broader and broader. Is there an ideal that you strive for? Who is it for? What villains do you need to overcome? Weekly Wisdom #279

Are you afraid of making mistakes and failing? Does the fear of mistakes and failure make you nervous before you do something? Do you feel a pit in your stomach when you make a mistake or fail? Afterwards, do you keep replaying past mistakes and failures in your head and criticize yourself for them? Icon Sources: 1 , 2   There are many things we cannot avoid in life, and mistakes (less serious) and failures (more serious) are two of them. Given this fact, do we have an effective way of thinking towards mistakes and failures? In the past, I didn't, so I answered "yes" to all the questions above. After learning ancient philosophy, I've developed a more effective way of thinking towards mistakes and failures, and although I'm not completely invincible against the discomfort of mistakes or the pain of failure, I'm much better than before.   Below are 7 important teachings that greatly helped me. For the sake of brevity, I will just use the term "mistake" or "failure" rather than "mistakes and failures", as both are mutually encompassing.   1: Mistakes are only mistakes if you don't learn from them. Motivational speaker Jay Shetty said, "Failures are only failures if you don't learn from them because if you learn from them, they become lessons."   If we think, " Today I made a mistake… ", we'll feel bad. But if we think, " Today I learned something that will help me in the future ", we'll feel good. How we think determines how we feel . So after we make a mistake, we need to reflect on why we made this mistake and how to prevent the same kind of mistake in the future. Once we have confidence that we can do better in the future, we'll feel better.   In my experience, it's best to do this reflection sooner rather than later, before our memory fades. By doing this, we can more easily let go of that mistake and not keep thinking about it. If that mistake pops up in our mind again in the future, we can tell ourselves, "I've already reflected on it and learned from it. I don't need to keep blaming myself for it."   2: Mistakes are an opportunity for growth and joy. As the previous point mentioned, all mistakes hold lessons within them that we need to dig out. Moreover, learning and growing is a joyful thing. As Socrates said, "Just as one person delights in improving his farm, and another his horse, so I delight in attending to my own improvement day by day."   It's not just Socrates who enjoys self-improvement; it's human nature to delight in one's own growth. If we're not making mistakes, then chances are, we aren't challenging ourselves, which also means we aren't growing, and we'll be missing out on the joy of growth. If we've gone a long time without any improvement, we'll feel like we're stagnating. So making mistakes is a good sign: it means we have opportunities for the joy of growth. In my daily journal, if I made a certain mistake one day, and then another day I consciously corrected that mistake, I feel good. Then I try to maintain that good behavior. No one's improvement is a smooth upwards line; usually it's full of ups and downs, but as long as we consciously persist, the long-term trend will be upwards, and once we've maintained improvement for a worthy amount of time, we'll be very satisfied with our growth.   3: Failure is the mother of success. I once heard a story about Thomas Edison, the inventor of the light bulb who failed thousands of times before he finally succeeded. One time, a young reporter asked him, “Mr. Edison, how does it feel to have failed 10,000 times in your present venture?”  Edison replied, “Young man, I will give you a thought that should benefit you in the future. I have not failed anything 10,000 times. I have successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work.”   If we want to do anything worthwhile in life, it's not going to be all smooth-sailing. There will definitely be bumps and hurdles along the way, and yes, that means mistakes and failures. But it's precisely thanks to these mistakes, or more accurately, the lessons that we gain from these mistakes, that enable us to finally succeed in the future. In a sense, people need to accumulate failures AND lessons to attain success (if we simply accumulate failures without any learnings, then we'll just keep failing in the future). Oftentimes, we look at successful people and only see their success, but what we fail to see is the great amount of failures they've accumulated beforehand. In other words, successful people aren't just more successful than normal people, they've also failed a lot more than normal people. When we realize this, not only will we not be so afraid of making mistakes, we might even feel like we aren't making enough! Of course, the point isn't to make mistakes on purpose, but rather to challenge ourselves towards a worthy goal and continuously learn along the way (which is a joyful thing).   4: Fail small. Adjust fast. When planning, we should predict things that might go wrong and make contingency plans for them. But no matter how diligently we plan, we can't predict the future, and there will probably be unexpected challenges. Hence, there's a saying that goes, "No plan survives first encounter with reality."   If we are aware of this, then not only will we not be surprised in the face of mistakes and unexpected problems, we'll be expecting it. We can also learn to fail small and adjust fast. For example, if I am writing a report to my professor, I can send an outline to my professor first to get feedback and quickly learn my mistakes. Then I can adjust and send another plan to my professor. This is less risky than doing the whole report by myself and submitting it without my professor's review beforehand.   To give another example, if I need to make tea for some guests, and I don't have much experience making tea, I should taste test the tea myself, adjust the flavor until I like it, and ask someone else to taste test it too (ideally someone who is knowledgeable on tea). I'm not going to get the taste perfect on the first try. I need to fail small and adjust fast. This is even more important if your decisions or actions will impact others.   5: Do your best, and let go of the rest. I've seen some people who get nervous extremely easily, and it's because they are too worried about making mistakes. That limits their potential and growth. If we are overly worried about making mistakes, it's usually because we are focusing too much on the result or what others think. The thing is, the result and what others think are both out of our control. Worrying doesn't help; in fact, it probably makes us perform worse.   There's a great teaching from the Serenity Prayer (feel free to skip the first word): "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."   Of course, not worrying is easier said than done. But rather than continue to worry in our heads, we should channel that energy into productive action, and that means working on the things we can control. For example, if I have a presentation coming up, rather than worrying that I'll mess up (which I can't control), I should focus my attention and energy on practicing (which I can control). Then on the actual day, before my presentation, I tell myself, "I've already done my best given my circumstances. Whatever happens, happens." If I do make a mistake, which is very likely, I won't be upset because I know I've done my best at what I can control.   If I worry that others will laugh at me for my mistake, then I tell myself things like: "Caring too much about what others think is a main cause of suffering. This is a test for me to practice letting go of ego." "The people who matter won't judge me, and the people who judge me don't matter." "Don't care about the opinions of normal people. Care about the opinions of wise and virtuous people." Daniel Amen's 18/40/60 Rule: When you're 18, you worry about what everybody is thinking of you; when you're 40, you don't give a darn what anybody thinks of you; when you're 60, you realize nobody's been thinking about you at all.   6: Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know in the past. If we still beat ourselves up for past mistakes, it's important to practice self-compassion. No one is perfect. If your best friend made that mistake, would you keep criticizing them over and over afterwards? Of course not. We'd tell them, "It's OK. Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know at the time because you couldn't have known back then." We should do the same for ourselves. 7: Mistakes are normal and inevitable. The important thing is how you respond to them. Again, no one is perfect. So don't beat yourself up for making a mistake. Don't lose faith in yourself if you've failed. It's totally normal.   Given that mistakes are inevitable in life, the important thing is how we respond to mistakes. Can we maintain our calm and peace? The great Stoic philosopher Seneca said, "To bear trials with a calm mind robs misfortune of its strength and burden."   Thus, mistakes are an opportunity for us to cultivate our mind. The mind is our most important asset. Anything and everything we do requires us to use our mind, so strengthening our mind's calm and concentration is one of the best things we can do for ourselves. Usually, after making a mistake or learning that they failed, people become startled and flustered. This weakens the mind, and this is precisely what we need to change. After making a mistake, we need to remember to keep calm. For example, recently, I was trying to carry five porcelain cups on one tray, and I was uncareful, and a porcelain lid fell to the ground and shattered. Instead of getting flustered and upset, I immediately told myself, "Stay calm and slow down."  I then asked a person beside me to help clean up the mess, and to do so carefully. I also asked other people to help carry the remaining cups to the other room. I'm not always able to remain calm right after a mistake, but this time, I was able to, and I'm happy about my growth. Of course, afterwards, I reflected in my journal about why I made that mistake (too impatient and greedy for quick results) so that I can prevent similar mistakes next time.   I've also seen other people mess up in a presentation, and they simply smile and say, "Oops, sorry, I said that wrong. I meant to say… Thanks for your encouraging smiles."  Even though they made a mistake, they didn't get noticeably flustered or embarrassed, so the audience members didn't feel embarrassed either. Their mistakes helped them to improve rather than regress, and that's delightful.   Conclusion What is your default reaction to mistakes and failures? How would you like to change it? Weekly Wisdom #303

I recently read this news article  about a sign that a coffee shop in Richmond posted outside their shop. The coffee shop is called CUPS Coffee & Tea, and the sign reads: "Small coffee $5.00. Small coffee, please $3.00. Hello, one small coffee please $1.75."   Image Source   Austin Simmons, the employee who wrote the sign, said, "I decided because I need to solve all the injustices of the world to start charging more for people who didn't take the time to say hello and connect and realize we're all people behind the counter,"   He wrote the sign on Sunday, and by Monday, it was in a newspaper in England. This sign applies not just to a cup of coffee, but to all requests. If we have good etiquette, people would be happy to help us; bad etiquette, and people would be reluctant.   Although the sign might be a joke, like many jokes, there is often some truth behind it. The fact that this picture got picked up by the press and became viral on Reddit means that it really struck a chord with people. In other words, people inherently and naturally value politeness and etiquette.   As a teacher at a summer camp, I encounter some rude and naughty children. People are naturally less fond of impolite children. Yet when these exact same children suddenly say something polite like "good morning teacher" or do something polite like share their snacks, we suddenly like them more and have more faith in their future.   Confucius said, "If one does not learn etiquette, one will be unable to establish oneself in society."   Society is founded on interpersonal relationships. If we have poor etiquette and manners, we are bound to have many interpersonal conflicts, and we might offend others without even realizing it. Moreover, we tend to neglect etiquette more with the people closest to us, such as our family members, which is also a reason why people tend to have more conflicts with family members.   For example, I was chatting with a friend in his room the other night, and he remembered that he needed to call his girlfriend to tell her something. When he picked up the phone, he got straight to the topic. After he hung up, I advised him that it might be better if he first said, "Hey are you free right now? I need to tell you something. This would make her feel more respected."   Etiquette like this might seem like a small thing, but small things happen frequently in daily life, which means the impact of small things add up quickly over time to become a big thing. Below are some more examples.   General When asking for something, say please. When others help you, say thank you. After waking up, say good morning to those you live with. Before going to bed, say good night to those you live with. Before going out, let the people in your house know. After coming back, let them know. Wear clothing that is suitable for the occasion. Check that your clothing is worn properly (e.g., buttons, zippers, etc.). Before going out, make sure you are clean and tidy. Have good hygiene. Aim to arrive 10 minutes early. You'll never know if you'll get delayed, and arriving late seems like you don't respect other people's time. If others are late, tell them "It's no rush. Take you time." When sneezing, sneeze into your elbow, not hands, and say excuse me. Walk behind elders. When there's a door, go ahead to open the door for them. When elders call you to help them, go promptly. When you're done, leave slowly. If you leave really quickly, it feels like you're very eager to leave, as if you're unhappy to help them. Don't speak loudly in quiet places. Don't disturb others when they're busy or in a bad mood. Knock before entering someone else's room. Respect other people's space. When people call you or message you, try to respond promptly. Don't make others wait too long. When standing or talking with others, don't block doors or paths. When walking in a crowded place, don't stare at your phone because you'll walk slowly and block other people. If others do us a big favor, give a gift as a token of appreciation. If you borrow something, try to return it in the same condition or better. Try to arrive 10 minutes early. It shows respect for the person and the matter. If you make a mess, promptly clean it up yourself. Don't leave it for someone else. If you see someone struggling (e.g., elderly, parents with strollers), offer to help. Give up your seat on public transit for those who need it more. Give holiday greetings to people whom you may not contact frequently but have helped you a lot in the past. It's a way to show you still remember them.   Conversation When others share bad news with you, don't talk about your good news and vice versa. Don't brag or boast about yourself. Be humble. When others are speaking, look at them and listen attentively. Don't look at your phone, and don't interrupt. In front of others, speak about others' good points, not bad points, and don't gossip. If you need to advise others on their weaknesses, do so in private. Most people need encouragement not criticism. If we need to give criticism, make sure it's in private and do so with a caring attitude. Also, give some praise first before giving constructive criticism. When speaking, make sure your pace and volume are suitable for the listener. When calling others, first ask if they're free to talk. Don't assume they are free just because they picked up the phone. Or even better, schedule the call beforehand. Don't dominate conversations. Respect different opinions. If you disagree, do so respectfully and try to be understanding. Apologize sincerely when you’ve hurt or inconvenienced someone.   Work Be professional at work. Be mindful of your language, behavior, and conversation topics. Start with a bit of chit chat before talking about business. Show consideration and interest in their life. Avoid calling or messaging others late at night when they are about to rest or right before work ends. For emails, you can use an email scheduler to send it during work hours. Keep your workspace tidy. It reflects your professionalism. Respect deadlines and others’ time. Don’t procrastinate on team tasks. Give credit where it’s due. Acknowledge others’ contributions. If you’re running late or need to cancel a meeting, inform others as early as possible. Avoid speaking negatively about colleagues or gossiping.   Dining Don't eat and talk at the same time. Chew with your mouth closed. If there's an elder (e.g., parents, grandparents, managers, etc.) at the table, try to eat at the same pace as them. If you eat too fast, they may feel pressured to eat faster. If you eat too slow, they have to wait for you. For shareable dishes, offer others to get some first. Don't take the biggest piece yourself first. Use the communal utensils. After a meal at a restaurant, try to clean up the table a bit to reduce the work for the restaurant staff. Say thank you before leaving. If with elders, let elders go first. For example, let elders take the first bite, wait for them to get up before you get up, wait for them to sit down before you sit down. Wait until everyone's food has arrived before eating. Some places like to split the bill; others like to take turns treating. Follow the local custom.   Travel When traveling, respect and follow the local customs and culture. If friends visit from afar, take them out for a meal. When visiting friends from afar, bring a gift. When staying in other people's homes or even hotels, try to leave the place as clean and tidy as when you entered. When staying at someone's home, ask how long is convenient for them. Aoid overstaying. Send a thank-you message or note after staying at a friend's place. Don't snoop through other people's personal belongings or enter closed rooms without permission.   Some of this etiquette might seem like common sense to a lot of us, but not everyone has learned it (or at least they don't realize the importance of it), so it's important for us to be tolerant to others rather than getting judgmental and upset. If we want others to learn it, the best way is to role model it ourselves. When they see good role models time and time again, they will naturally emulate.   These are just some examples that we often encounter, but it's by no means an exhaustive list. We just need to remember that the essence of etiquette is consideration and respect for others, and the goal is to make others feel comfortable.   Also, rules of etiquette differ by culture, so it's very important to understand the culture that you are in. For example, in the west, people like to split the bill, but in the east, people like to take turns paying for the entire bill. There isn't a right or wrong, just different customs.   Ultimately, when we have good etiquette, we will naturally have good relationships and be welcomed by people everywhere. On the contrary, if we have poor etiquette, people will dislike us and won't want to associate with us. Moreover, good relationships are a big source of happiness, while relationship conflicts are a major cause of suffering. Thus, we can see that these small matters of etiquette are truly important.   Conclusion As the saying goes, "Manners maketh man." Although the coffee sign shop might be a joke, there is deep wisdom behind it. If we want to solve the problems of the world and make the world a better place, a foundational place to start is to promote good etiquette, starting with our own role modeling. If you have any other items of etiquette that you want to share, feel free to do so in the comments. Weekly Wisdom #349

Icon Sources: 1, 2 There was a renowned actor about to go on stage. His student passed by and told him, "Sir, your shoelaces are untied." The actor nodded and said thanks, then he knelt down and tied his shoelaces. After his student left, he knelt down again and untied his shoelaces. An observer saw the whole scene and was thoroughly confused. He asked, "Why did you untie your shoelaces again?" The actor replied, "Because I am playing the role of an exhausted traveler. Having my shoelaces untied shows how long and difficult the journey has been." The observer asked, "Then why didn't you just say that to your student?" The actor replied, "The fact that my student noticed that my shoelaces were untied shows that he is very observant. He also notified me, which shows that he is very considerate. I have to protect and encourage his goodness. Besides, there will be lots of opportunities in the future to tell him why my shoelaces were untied." (Story Source: Harvard Family Instruction, Chapter 1) Commentary This story reminds me of a principle for good relationships that I've been working on: See the intention behind their action. Most of us tend to over-focus on people's actions and forget to consider the intention behind the action. Sometimes, we get annoyed or upset at other people's actions, but the person actually had positive or neutral intentions. In such a situation, the other person would feel wrongfully treated if we get annoyed at them. I'm very impressed at this actor's ability to see his student's intentions rather than just focusing on the matter. Moreover, he used the words "protect" and "encourage". "Encourage" is not surprising; we want to encourage people to have good intentions. But the word "protect" caught my attention. Indeed, it can be hard to find people who always hold positive intentions towards others in our modern society. One factor is likely due to popular media promoting selfishness and self-centeredness a lot more than compassion and humility. Thus, if we encounter people trying to be good, we should try to protect their goodness. How do we protect and encourage people's good intentions? Well, it depends on the situation. First we have to see their good intentions, then we can affirm their intentions by saying things like "Thanks for your consideration" or "Thanks for your good intentions." Other times, we just follow their request, as was the case in the story. My Experience In my experience, parents might ask us to do things that we feel are unnecessary, but if we consider their good intentions more, we'd be more patient with them and more likely to listen to them. For example, I was recently fixing the grout in between some kitchen tiles. One tile had a crack, and my mom asked me to put some grout on the crack. I explained that the grout won't work on the crack because grout is meant for the area between kitchen tiles; it is not meant for a crack in the tile itself. Plus, it would look ugly. She still insisted. I asked why, and she said she's worried about safety. At first, I didn't understand how a crack in a kitchen tile constitutes a safety problem. But then I remembered she talked about how a neighbor's kitchen tile cracked and sunk into the floor. Although I still don't think a crack in a kitchen tile is dangerous, I could sort of see why my mother is worried. If I just consider the matter itself, I wouldn't put grout on the crack, but I considered my mother's intentions (safety), so I did what she wanted. This was my way of focusing on people's intention more than the matter itself. Recently at work, a fellow teacher invited me to teach his beginner English class because he wanted to learn from me. Although he viewed me as a senior, I still asked him to give me feedback on my teaching afterwards. He told me to be more careful with time management because I went a little overtime. I was going to explain to him that I actually paid very careful attention to time management throughout the class, and I wanted to explain how I made that judgment call to go a little overtime rather than skipping something important. But I stopped myself. One reason is because I wanted to cultivate humility. After all, overtime is overtime; his advice is reasonable. But I also remembered this story, and I saw that his intention was simply to help. Plus, it takes courage to give advice to a senior. Ultimately, I wanted to affirm his intentions and courage. If I explain myself, then he might not want to give me advice again in the future. Hence, I simply said, "Thank you, I will be more careful in the future." Conclusion Don't over-focus on people's words or actions. Instead, consider the intentions behind their actions. Most of the time, people have positive or neutral intentions, so we shouldn't get annoyed. We should also try to protect and encourage people's positive intentions because that is precious. After all, don't we all want a world with more good people? Weekly Wisdom #243

A recently graduated PhD just got hired to be the lab manager of a prestigious research lab. What's more, he is the only PhD on his team; the other two team members only hold a Master's degree. Since he wanted to get to know his team members better, he asked them if they would like to do something over the weekend. The two team members said they usually go to a nearby pond to fish and relax and invited him to join this Saturday. He happily agreed. On Saturday, they met at the pond, fished, and chatted over some drinks. Suddenly, the first team member said he needs to use the washroom. The PhD thought the team member would walk around the pond to reach the washroom across the pond. To his surprise, the person hopped across the pond as if he could walk on water! After the person came back, they started chatting again. Soon, the second team member said he needs to use the washroom too. Amazingly, this person also hopped across the water to reach the washroom! The PhD was baffled, but he was too embarrassed to ask these Master's students how they did it. Not long after, the PhD also needed to use the washroom. He looked at the water, then he looked at his team members and thought to himself, "I'm a PhD. If they can do it, I can do it too!" Image Source He hopped onto the water. SPLASH. The two team members pulled him out and asked, "Why did you jump into the water?! You should walk around the pond!" The PhD said, "But I saw you guess hop across the water, so I thought I could too!" The team members said, "Oh that's because we are very familiar with this pond. There are stones across the pond that lead to the other side. Since there was heavy rain the past few days, the water covered the stones. But we know where the stones are, so we can hop across." Commentary There's a Chinese saying that goes, "Arrogance brings harm. Humility brings benefit." This story is a light-hearted example. If we think about it, people can become arrogant from so many things, such as fame, wealth, position, appearances, and even educational background. Perhaps some might argue, "What's wrong with being proud of these things? I worked hard for them!" Firstly, when we think we are great, we become less careful, and that’s when it’s easy to make mistakes. The PhD in the story was so arrogant about his PhD status that he thought he could hop on water! Secondly, when we think we are great, it becomes hard to improve. If we are not improving, then we will fall behind. If that PhD is very complacent with his PhD status, then he might not spend enough effort keeping up with the changes in his field, which would result in him falling behind. Thirdly, when we think we are great, we give off an air of arrogance, and other people will dislike us. I can imagine that PhD giving orders to his team members without considering their feelings, or pointing out every little mistake that others make. Indeed, when there's an arrogant person in the group, all the other people know it, and we all try to avoid that person. Once we see the harm of arrogance, we are much more willing to practice humility. A humble person is someone who is always seeking to learn from others, no matter if they are an expert or a child. If you are trying to learn from them, you would naturally be respectful and polite towards them, and that leaves a good impression on others. Since a humble person is always learning and improving, they wouldn't fall behind in their field. Finally, a humble person is very careful in all matters because they are always trying to improve themselves through even the small things. My Experience I usually teach high school students in Canada, but recently, I had the opportunity to teach some elementary school students in Malaysia. Initially, I never thought that I could learn from such young kids. One day, two brothers had a fight in my class, and I couldn't make them happy. Later that day, they got happy on their own. I was baffled at how they went from angry to happy so fast. I asked one of them, "How did you become happy?" He said, "I don't know. I went to do other things." Another teacher told me, "They are kids. They don't make a big fuss about things after the fact like us adults do." I realized in some ways, little kids are better than me, and I should learn from them. Indeed, anyone can be our teacher if we are humble. Another time, a colleague told me, "Don't give suggestions in front of that person. She is very arrogant and always asserts her own opinions over others." It's a shame that people are not willing to give her suggestions and point out her problems. What's worse, her arrogance makes others feel uncomfortable around her, which means people are less willing to help her. She is a very enthusiastic and well-intentioned person with great ability, but without humility, it will be hard for her to improve and get better opportunities in the future. These past couple of months, I've been tutoring someone English. Since I have experience in this field, I used my usual method. Later, I found out from a friend of the student that my method was not as effective as I thought. Although my method worked well for previous students, every student is different, and I realized I needed to make some adjustments. If I had been more humble from the beginning, I wouldn't have assumed that this job is easy and that I can just do what I've always done. Moreover, I shouldn't just teach English for the sake of teaching, but rather try to improve my teaching abilities with each class. Conclusion Arrogance is a very subtle but harmful trait that we all have. The minor consequences might be thinking we can hop on water…The major consequences might be offending the people around us and continuously making the same mistakes because no one is willing to advise us. As D.L. Moody said, "Be humble, or you'll stumble." Weekly Wisdom #233

By cultivating our morality and virtues, thereby making us less reactive to external circumstances and ancient philosophies, and ancient philosophers all emphasize the importance of cultivating morality and virtues

Recently, I was talking to my mentor about some conflicts I had with people. Essentially, they think I'm wrong, and I think they're wrong. Being the wise person that he is, my mentor didn't side with anybody. Instead, he said, "Faults are like poop. When it's your own, you don't care. But when you see other people's, you're absolutely appalled. Isn't that hypocritical?" Icon Sources: 1, 2 I understood his analogy and stopped complaining. Indeed, instead of arguing who's right, the conflict would be easily dissolved if I simply tolerated the other person's faults. After all, we all have faults and bad habits. If we could tolerate others' faults the same way we tolerate our own faults, then there'd be no conflict! This isn't to say that their behavior doesn't need improvement, but I should focus on improving myself first because that's in my control, and only when I improve myself do I have the right to ask others to improve. Moreover, using a blaming attitude towards others just makes things worse. If we can tolerate and accept them for where they're at, then we can approach them with patience, tolerance, and encouragement. As I reflected on this analogy more, I found other similarities between faults and poop. For example, some people have very negative and critical self-talk. If a person talks to oneself harshly, then she will probably talk to others harshly as well. I certainly have had this experience, and I've had to work on my self-talk to become more positive, loving, and respectful. We can remember the poop analogy again. No one scolds themselves saying, "What's wrong with you! You pooped again!" or "You're such a horrible person for needing to poop every single day!" or "Wow, your poop is so stinky. You're such a failure." Similarly, we shouldn't scold ourselves every time we make a mistake. We should encourage ourselves the way we would encourage a little kid learning to walk: with a loving tone and strong belief. We can tell ourselves, "Making mistakes is a normal part of being human and a natural part of the learning process. The important thing is that I learn from my mistakes. I should judge myself based on my ability to correct my mistakes quickly as opposed to not making mistakes. I can definitely do better next time!" Another way faults are like poop is that we shouldn't hold on to them. If we have lots of faults, others will avoid us as if we smell like poop. If we keep holding on to our poop, it will hurt us. Similarly, if we don't eliminate our faults, whether it be anger, laziness, arrogance, or carelessness, those faults will keep hurting us. Unfortunately, a lot of us have gotten used to "fault constipation", so eliminating mistakes doesn't come as naturally to us as eliminating poop; it's something we have to consciously work on. To continue this analogy even further, both faults and poop ought to be studied. Studying our poop gives us clues about our digestion, which is why doctors ask us about our poop! Similarly, our faults and mistakes give us clues about our mental and emotional health because all mistakes stem from the mind. If we can study our faults and mistakes and correct them, then we will become better people. An important principle in medicine is to treat the root cause as opposed to the symptom. For example, if a person has constipation, eating laxatives is treating the symptom. As soon as you stop eating those pills, the constipation returns. Oftentimes, the root is in the person's diet. Perhaps if the person ate more fiber in their daily diet, the constipation might go away. That's thinking in terms of the root as opposed to the symptoms. The same is true for studying our faults. The bad action we do is the symptom, but the root of the problem is in our mind and deep inner beliefs. For example, I have a bad habit of complaining. The act of complaining is the surface-level result, but the cause is in my mind. My mind is too entitled and arrogant; I believe that everyone should think like me. Hence, I can fix the root by changing my thoughts. Instead of telling myself, "What! This person is so unreasonable!" I change my thoughts to, "No one tries to be stupid or bad on purpose. Everyone is doing what they think is right, or they are acting out of habit. Either case, I shouldn't be judgmental towards them because I am the same." This is just one example of getting to the root of a fault. Everyone has different faults and bad habits, and we all need to find the root of our problems. After we figure out the root problem, we'll have to undergo a period of training to unlearn an old thinking pattern and learn a new thinking pattern. I previously wrote about my 21-Day No Complaint Challenge, which was a great kickstart to my training. But even now, I still catch myself complaining, so we need to persist for a long time to change an old habit. Even though it's hard work, it's certainly better than being full of poop/faults! These are just some of my realizations from the fault-poop analogy. The next time you get annoyed at somebody's fault or problem, try to treat them the same way you would treat yourself when you see your own poop. And of course, we all need to work on eliminating our poop and faults! Weekly Wisdom #252

Commentary When life is tough, people often cultivate virtues like diligence, frugality, and humility But when people gain wealth and power, if they lack virtues, then vices like greed and arrogance may What makes them good or bad depends on whether or not we have enough virtues to handle them. If a person understands the virtue of humility, he is the person who also understands the importance Conclusion In bad times, cultivate virtues, and fortune will come.

This past Wednesday, my grandpa had a tooth pulled at 3:00PM. At 9:00PM, he told me that his gum is still bleeding, and he needs to go to the hospital tonight. Image Source I have been immersed in ancient philosophy this past year, and I remembered just this past week, my Chinese philosophy teacher said, "If you are a learner of Chinese philosophy, the first effect you should have on the people around you is to be able to calm them down. To do that, YOU need to remain calm in difficult situations." Then I reminded myself to calm down, to take some deep breaths, and to speak slowly. I told my grandpa, "Don't worry, I'll call an Uber and accompany you to the hospital." My mother also wanted to come along, but she was worried and said, "If we go to the hospital emergency room, you're likely to wait all night. I think all he has to do is bite on some gauze to stop the bleeding." At this point, the Uber was almost here, so I said, "Well, grandpa is worried. Going to the hospital can calm his worries. If he is calm, we will be relieved. If he stays worried, how can we be at ease?" Arrival When we arrived, there were lots of people in the waiting room, and the whole environment was rather tense. Many people were complaining that they've been waiting for hours. One person who was on a wheelchair even collapsed to the ground after waiting for hours, and nurses had to come and carry her away on a stretcher. We had no idea how long we'd have to wait, and I could tell both my grandpa and mom were a little anxious. My mom was obviously tired but still pacing around. I told her she could go home first and rest, but she wanted to stay. My grandpa joked, "I don't know how long we have to wait, but I'm afraid that I'll wait many hours just for the doctor to say, 'Just keep biting on gauze.'" My mom replied, "Exactly! I think all you need to do is bite on more gauze and the bleeding will stop in a while. I had this problem before too, and that's what I did to solve it." My grandpa replied, "I don't know. I've been biting on gauze this whole time and it still keeps bleeding." At this point, I was kind of tired too, and I didn't know what to say. I remembered this quote from the Dalai Lama: "Our prime purpose in life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." Since I was tired, maintaining my calm is about all I could manage. I don't have the ability to help calm their nervous energy, so the least I can do is to not add to their anxiety. Hence, I remained silent and did some work on my laptop. At midnight, the nurse finally inspected my grandpa and allowed us to proceed to the next room. I thought that meant he would be seeing a doctor, but it turns out it's another waiting room! Moreover, only one person could accompany him, so I told my mom to go home first because she is very tired. My body is stronger, so I can handle pulling an all-nighter better than her. She agreed, so I called an Uber to send her home. Vending Machine Incident At this point, I was kind of hungry, so I went to the vending machine to buy a snack bar. Guess what happened? I paid for a snack bar, and it got stuck before it could fall to the bottom. (Snack bar 511 got stuck halfway) My first thought was, "Are you serious? I already paid for this snack bar and this machine didn't keep its promise!" I tried shaking the vending machine, but it didn't work. Then I thought to myself, "OK, I've been doing fairly well maintaining my calm tonight. Don't let a vending machine break your momentum! I am here to solve my problem of hunger. This snack bar is stuck. Getting angry and leaving is not going to solve my problem. That would make my mood bad and influence my grandpa's mood. I should buy a second snack bar to solve this problem. It only costs $2. Any problem that a little money can solve is not a real problem. The problem is me demanding this vending machine to keep its previous promise, but this vending machine is not a human being, so my demand is illogical." Then I bought the same snack bar again, and two snack bars came out. Problem solved. Seeing the Doctor After I returned to the second waiting room, I waited another two hours with my grandpa. While waiting, my grandpa said, "Last time I had a tooth pulled, I stopped my blood thinner medication three days beforehand, and the dentist stitched up the hole after. I don't know why this time the dentist said I don't need to stop the blood thinner and did not stitch up the hole after." After hearing this, I better understood why he wanted to keep waiting all these hours to see the doctor. He needed to hear a professional tell him, "Don't worry about the blood thinner. Don't worry about stitches. You will be fine." My grandpa added, "It would be a pretty big waste of time if this doctor says 'You just need to keep biting on gauze.'" I replied, "Well, I would be relieved! At least you wouldn't need to do surgery!" At 2:00AM, the doctor finally saw my grandpa. My grandpa explained that he got a tooth pulled at 3:00PM, and it's been bleeding for 11 hours now. He also explained his worries with regards to the blood thinner and lack of stitches. The doctor had a look inside his mouth, asked which blood thinner he took, and then brought a bunch of gauze over and said, "It's okay. All you need to do is bite on a lot of gauze really hard. I know it sounds simple, and I know you waited a long time for this, but this really is all you have to do. You are not biting hard enough. Bite harder, and the bleeding should stop within 15-30 minutes. No need for stitches." Then we went home. My grandpa said, "Wow, we actually waited 5 hours for 5 minutes with the doctor." I replied, "At least you don't have to do any major operation! We are way more fortunate than most of the other people at the hospital!" Next Day Reflection The next day, I told my mom what happened. She said, "I told you guys! All he had to do was put more gauze there and bite." I replied, "Yes…but you are not a doctor, and we could not have been 100% sure yesterday night. So even though your guess about the final result was right, waiting 5 hours at the hospital was still the right thing to do because we can't take any risks when grandpa has been bleeding for hours." My mom said, "OK sure, but if you ever get a tooth pulled, you should know what you need to do now. Don't go to the hospital on a whim. Don't you remember when you were young and had kidney stones, I took you to the hospital, and we waited all night, and by the time you saw the doctor, you were already fine." I felt like my mom was not getting the point, so I explained, "Yes… but mom, even if the problem got solved before I saw the doctor, we cannot say it was a waste or time or the wrong thing to do. People's feelings are more important than matters. This time it's bleeding gums. Next time it will be a different matter. The problem is not just grandpa's bleeding gums or my kidneys hurting. The bigger problem is our WORRY about the bleeding gums and kidneys hurting. You do not have the ability to calm that worry. Only a credible doctor can calm those worries. Therefore, waiting all night in the hospital is the right thing to do, and if we understand that it is the right thing to do, we won't be annoyed by it." My mother considered my logic and agreed. Conclusion Adversity reveals our moral training. To be calm and kind when things are peaceful is nothing special. To be calm and kind when others are flustered and worried is to be truly cultivated. Since I've been studying philosophy all year, I viewed this whole situation as a test of my cultivation. While I can't say I did a great job calming my grandpa and mom's worries, I can at least say I did not add to their suffering. I also reflected on some important lessons from the whole experience: 1. Don't deny other people's suffering. Sometimes we think others are exaggerating, so we deny their feelings. That's not kind. We are not them. We don't know how they feel. If they tell us they are in pain, then we should believe them and try our test to help. If we cannot help, at least do not belittle them or make them feel worse. 2. Don't trust vending machines. Just kidding. 3. Don't fall prey to sunk cost bias (being attached to the past). Just like when I needed a snack, I should not let what happened in the past stop me from solving my problem. 4. Don't judge yourself based on the outcome of your decision. Judge yourself based on making the right decision. 5. Take care of your health. Going to the hospital is not fun. 6. Although being at the hospital is not fun, it doesn't have to be terrible either. It's all about how you view the situation. I remained positive by being grateful that our hospitals are free and that my grandpa did not have a serious problem compared to others. That's all for this story. If you have any other lessons, I'd love to hear them. Thanks, and have a great week ahead! Weekly Wisdom #215