Principles for Mediating Conflicts

Alex Chen
43 minutes ago
7 min read

Have you ever had two people argue intensely, and then they come to you for help? Perhaps it's our parents, or siblings, or friends, or colleagues. If not, then you're quite fortunate to grow up in a harmonious family and be part of harmonious groups. But even if it hasn't happened yet, it's probably something we will all encounter in life sooner or later.

One of my mentors often says,

"Life has many compulsory courses. Communication is one. Mediation is another."

I've written many articles on communication already, and this one will be on mediation, featuring advice I've received from my mentors:

Try to get them to communicate face-to-face calmly and respectfully.
Help them understand each other's good intentions and perspectives.
Be impartial.
If one side is unwilling to talk, then focus on understanding that person and talking around the issue instead of directly at it.

1: Try to get them to communicate face-to-face calmly and respectfully

If we want the two of them to solve the problem, it will probably require them to have a calm talk face-to-face. Being a third party acting as a go-between relaying messages is really not ideal, and it can lead to inaccurate transmission or misunderstandings, which might make things worse.

The key, of course, is that they communicate calmly and respectfully. All the other principles mentioned in this article also help the two parties to keep calm.

A lot of times, conflict heats up because of the way the message is delivered (with blame and disrespect) as opposed to the actual content of the message. To help them communicate better, we should try to pick a suitable time when they're both in a good mood. We should also pick a good setting that is calming and comfortable.

We also need to be prepared to respond if they start getting heated. We want to find ways to help them calm down and return to a good mood. For example, if our parents are arguing, we could say, "Oh dad probably had a very long day today. He's not trying to make you upset. He's just a bit tired so his tone of voice isn't as nice. Mom isn't trying to make you upset either. Mom has some pains and aches recently, so that's draining her patience."

If the heat gets too high and they need a break, we should suggest them to take a break.

If they can't seem to stop, then we need to use tact to get one of them out of the situation. For example, we could say, "Mom, I need to go buy something from the store urgently. Can you accompany me please? I know you guys are talking now, but can you take a break and discuss after you come back?"Once we get to the store, we could say, "How about we buy all of our favorite snacks?" When we arrive home, we give the snacks to dad and say, "Mom bought these for you!"

Or we message a family member to make a call to one of them. Since they have to pick up the call, that interrupts their arguing. Or we go out and buy a cake and come back, saying we need some more sweetness in the house today.

Every situation is unique, so the examples above are just some ideas for reference. The important thing is to understand the spirit and principles behind those examples, which we can then use in our specific situation.

2: Help them understand each other's good intentions and perspectives.

A lot of times, conflict and opposition occur because each side feels like the other side has negative intentions. But oftentimes, they both have the same goals and want the best for the team; it's just that their views differ.

The thing is, everyone has their reasons for things. Just as we have "strong" reasons for our beliefs, so too do other people. If we still feel like they are "wrong" or "illogical", then chances are, we don't understand them yet. If we don't understand them, it's hard for us to persuade them. A mediator needs to understand both sides and then help to communicate their intentions and perspectives.

3: Be impartial.

This is very obvious, but it's not always easy in practice. If we show any partiality, the unfavored party will get upset at us and won't accept us as their mediator. We need to set our attitude straight beforehand and make sure we don't have any particular side that we want to win. Our intention should be to help them understand each other and reach an agreement together, not for either side to "win".

4: If one side is unwilling to talk, then focus on understanding that person and talking around the issue instead of directly at it.

If one side is unwilling to communicate, then the problem becomes very hard to solve. In these cases, we should try to just understand them more. In fact, the harder it is to communicate with them, the more we just need to spend effort to understand them.

We don't need to directly bring up the problem. Instead, we can find suitable times to just talk to them, ask about their past, and learn more about them with no ulterior motives. When we learn more about their past experiences, their ways of thinking, their pains, we will gradually understand them more and find a way that appeals to them.

My Experience

One time, when my grandma got sick, my dad wanted to buy a certain, very expensive herbal medicine for her, but my mom felt that this medicine was a scam. They got into quite a heated argument about it. I asked them to take a break in different rooms and calm down.

Later, I talked about how they both have the same intention and goal, which is to help grandma, so we shouldn't feel like we need to "win the argument". Instead, we should focus on understanding each other's perspectives and finding the best solution.

I helped to communicate both views. I told my mom that dad is trying to help grandma recover, which is a good intention. He listened to many classes on Chinese medicine and learned that this herbal medicine can help grandma, which is why he is pushing for it. He believes this is the responsible thing to do.

Towards my dad, I said it's not that mom doesn't care about grandma, and it's not that mom is being stingy, it's that she's worried this medicine isn't suitable for grandma and will actually make things worse. She believes this is the responsible thing to do. You two have the same intention and goals!

How can we solve this situation? Well, since it's grandma who has to eat the medicine, we should probably ask grandma if she is willing. Moreover, she should see a good Chinese medicine doctor to see if the doctor recommends this herbal medicine or not for her specific situation. So we went to ask grandma.

Grandma said she doesn't want to eat this medicine, that she doesn't want to see a Chinese medicine doctor, that she's already has lots of medicine, and spending so much money on new medicine is a waste. All three of us wanted her to at least see a Chinese medicine, but she wasn't willing. We thought it's quite strange. It's not like it takes a lot of time or money to see a Chinese medicine doctor, so why was she so against it? She used to be a western doctor, so I thought maybe she doesn't believe in Chinese medicine. But I also saw her use Chinese medicine treatments before, so that doesn't seem to fit.

Here, we had to be patient. We didn’t bring up the topic directly. Sometimes, after meals or on walks, we'd just ask her questions to try to understand her better. I would ask about her work and past stories of patients she helped. I slowly learned that she views illness as an inevitable part of life, and that medicine cannot cure all illness, and that's fine.

Moreover, she believes that having happy emotions is the most important thing to good health, so she doesn't want to be overly stressed about her problem and spend so much money on it. She feels that she's already lived a long and good life, and she'd rather leave more money for her children rather than spending so much money on medicine and being a burden to her children. When I understood her better, I naturally let go of my view that she "should" see a Chinese medicine doctor.

At this point, my dad still wanted to buy it because he wanted to try everything possible to help grandma recover. On the other hand, my mom felt we ought to respect grandma's choice. If she doesn't want to eat it, and we still buy it, that's disrespecting her, and she might get very angry that we didn't follow her wishes. Moreover, if it were a cheaper medicine, it might be fine, but since this medicine is so expensive, it's not suitable to buy it without grandma's approval.

I mediated by saying that ultimately, you both have the same intentions and goals, and you both have your own logical reasons for your views. We can agree to disagree. Mom thinks it would be better to respect grandma's wishes here. After all, grandma has already gotten medical advice before and is already taking medicine, so she can just continue with that. That's reasonable.

Dad thinks there's a chance that this medicine could really help, and that if he buys it, grandma might try it, and it might help her a lot, which is worth the shot. To mitigate the risk of grandma being unhappy, dad could explain that he understands grandma not wanting to be a burden, that she'd rather save on the medicine money, but he really wants to do his utmost, and we can always make more money.

There isn't a definitive right or wrong here. In this case, mom could choose to not buy this medicine, and dad just spends his own money to buy it. They were both satisfied with this decision.

Conclusion

When it comes to mediation, we should remember four important principles:

Try to get them to communicate face-to-face calmly and respectfully.
Help them understand each other's good intentions and perspectives.
Be impartial.
If one side is unwilling to talk, then focus on understanding that person and talking around the issue instead of directly at it.

Mediation is a compulsory course in life. If we are bad at it, we'll be unable to help with inevitable conflicts that arise in our family, friendships, or workplace. Worse, we might even make them worse. But if we have good mediation skills, we can improve our relationships and create a happier atmosphere for all.

Weekly Wisdom #378