Image Source: Unsplash In the Han Dynasty, there were two scholars named Zhang Shao (张劭) and Fan Shi (范式), and they were great friends. They studied together at the Imperial College of Supreme Learning, the highest educational institute at the time. After graduation, they each returned to their hometowns, but they planned to meet again in two years, when Fan Shi would go visit Zhang Shao’s home. Two years passed, and Zhang Shao told his mother that his friend, Fan Shi, would be coming today. His mother said, “You two made that arrangement two years ago. Maybe he forgot by now. Besides, his hometown is so far away from here, are you sure he will come?” Zhang Shao replied, “My friend is extremely trustworthy. I’m sure he will come.” Then, he and his mother prepared the house and food for Fan Shi’s arrival. As Zhao Shao said, Fan Shi indeed arrived later that day. Their friendship continued to grow as time went on. Later on, Fan Shi was critically ill, and he told his wife, “You must go find Zhang Shao, tell him I don’t have much time left, and bring him here to see me off.” So his wife rushed to find Zhang Shao. As soon as Zhao Shao heard the news, he rushed to Fan Shi’s town. By the time Zhao Shao arrived, Fan Shi had already passed, and the funeral staff were trying to make his coffin. But for some reason, the staff couldn’t get the angles right. When Zhao Shao arrived, they suddenly were able to get the angle right. Then Zhao Shao personally buried Fan Shi and handled his funeral affairs. Furthermore, he took care of Fan Shi’s wife and children. These two friends set a heart-moving example of what it means to be a true friend.

Have you ever asked yourself any of these questions? What is the most important thing you can work on to have a good, happy, and successful life? What is the most important thing to teach our children? If you were looking for a life-long partner, what is the most important thing to look for? If you were choosing a leader to follow, what is the most important thing to look for? If you were choosing employees, what is the most important thing to look for? If you haven’t yet, you probably should. These are deep and powerful questions! You can probably guess the answer by the title of this article. The answer to all five questions is character. Here is a clickable table of contents to help you navigate this article. What is Character? Why is Character Important? Five Virtues for Good Character Filial Piety Carefulness Trustworthiness Loving-Kindness Humility Conclusion What is Character? Now you might be wondering, what is character anyway? Put simply, character is our moral qualities of virtues and vices. Someone with good or strong character thinks, speaks, and acts in accordance with virtues such as respect, kindness, and humility. Someone with bad or weak character thinks, speaks, and acts in accordance with vices such as disrespect, selfishness, and arrogance. Image Source Why is Character Important? Character is arguably the most important thing in life because it determines how we think, which then determines how we speak and act, which then determines the results we get in life. If we want to have a good, happy, and successful life, we need to build our character. In the book, Ethics 101, John Maxwell talks about success and character: “There are really only three kinds of people: Those who don’t succeed, those who succeed temporarily, and those who remain successful. Character is the only way to sustain success.” – John Maxwell In the book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Steven Covey talks about happiness and character: “We see the world, not as it is, but as we are.” – Steven Covey If we want to surround ourselves with good people, whether that’s a partner, leader, or follower, we need to evaluate the quality of their character. In an interview, relationship scientists John and Julie Gottman talk about how we need to look for partners with good character for a long and happy relationship. Julie says, “How do they treat somebody who’s serving them? How do they treat a waiter, or a server, or a waitress? How do they treat a clerk? If the helper is delayed for some reason or can’t immediately give them what they want, how do they respond to that? Are they understanding? Are they patient? Are they courteous? Are they kind? Or are they pulling a superior punch basically and cutting them down? That is a great way to know the nature of somebody’s inner being.” – Julie Gottman John says, “There’s just those moments where you can tell when your partner is a person of substance and character.” – John Gottman That brings us to the next question: How can we evaluate people’s (and your own) character? Five Virtues for Good Character We mentioned earlier that people with good character think, speak, and act in accordance with virtues. There are many, many virtues that one could list, but my goal with this article is to give you a powerful list that you can name on one hand: Filial piety Carefulness Trustworthiness Loving-kindness Humility Here is an infographic to summarize the five virtues: These five virtues naturally encompass other virtues such as loyalty, courtesy, integrity, yielding, moderation, and wisdom. The more a person embodies these five virtues, the better their character (and the more you should want to have them in your life!). It's not enough to know the virtues in theory; we have to be able to apply them into every life! How can we do that? The Confucian classic, Di Zi Gui: Guide to a Happy Life, talks about cultivating these five virtues from childhood by providing many examples of everyday actions we should take to be aligned to these virtues. I'll be sharing many examples in this article. The book also states that filial piety must come first, then carefulness and trustworthiness, then loving-kindness, in that order. Book PDF Link (free for distribution) Virtue 1: Filial Piety Filial piety means being respectful and dutiful towards parents. It can be extended to mean being respectful to all elders and being caring towards all siblings. Image Source There’s a Chinese proverb that says, “Among a hundred virtues, filial piety is the first.” There are two meanings to that proverb: Filial piety is the first virtue humans need to learn. When people develop filial piety, all other virtues naturally develop after. People start developing their character as children, and the first virtue they ought to learn is to be respectful to their parents. Why? Because we owe our lives to our parents, so the least we can do is respect them and take care of them. Filial piety naturally encompasses all other virtues because our parents want us to live a good life and have a positive impact on the world. In other words, having good character is being filial. Examples of Filial Piety in Daily Life Here are some examples of filial piety that we can practice from Di Zi Gui: When my parents call me, I will respond right away. When my parents ask me to do something, I will do it promptly. When my parents criticize me, I will listen respectfully. No matter how small the matter, I mustn’t act unethically. What’s good for my parents, I’ll do my best to provide. What’s bad for them, I’ll do my best to keep away. If I get hurt, my parents will worry. If my virtues are bad, my parents will be ashamed. If my parents have faults, I will tell them in a kind and gentle way. If they don't listen, I will try again at a time when they are happy and open to listen. Respecting loving parents is easy. Respecting harsh parents is true filial piety. Note: Even though it says "parents", parents are just the starting point. Our respectful heart needs to expand out to teachers, leaders, partners, friends, and eventually all people. Matters 1-3 also show humility. How many times do leaders get upset at followers for simply not responding right away or for not following instructions? How often do followers refuse to listen to feedback and even argue back? Hence we can see the importance of filial piety. Matters 4-6 also show carefulness. A small mistake can lead to big consequences, such as physical injury or ruining relationships. Matter 7 and 8 also shows loving-kindness. Urging others to improve even at the risk of being scolded at is showing true care for them. Furthermore, being respectful and kind to those who aren't respectful and kind to us is true respect and true kindness. We can extend out the definition of filial piety to include respecting teachers and elders and being loving towards siblings. 9. When I can maintain harmony with siblings, I am being filial. 10. Serve all elders as my parents. Serve all brothers and sisters as my brothers and sisters. Matter 10 is the widest loving-kindness. It implies that a filial person will respect all elders as much as their own parents, and they will take care of all peers as their own brothers and sisters. Perhaps now it’s clear why Confucius put such a high emphasis on filial piety! Short Stories on Filial Piety Here are some short and inspiring stories on filial piety: Lao Zi Evaluates Two Sons The Cold Winter Jacket Boy Encounters Thieves on a Mountain If It's a Small Stick, Stay. If It's a Big Stick, Run Diligent Daughter, Lazy Daughter Virtue 2: Carefulness Carefulness is important for preventing harm and mistakes. Image Source Examples of Carefulness in Practice Have you ever spilt a glass of water? Have you ever walked into a glass door? Have you ever tripped on your shoelace? Have you ever eaten too much? Have you had a pot of soup overflow with bubbles because you were busy chopping vegetables? Not that last one? Then you’re doing better me…I’ve done all of those! If I had learned and practiced Di Zi Gui earlier, I could’ve saved myself from so many mistakes…Anyway, here are examples of carefulness from Di Zi Gui: I ought to cherish time, for time passing quickly and old age comes easily I ought to button up my clothes and tie my shoelaces properly When it comes to food, I should eat enough, not in excess, and not be picky. I should hold an empty cup as if it were full. When turning a corner, I should leave ample space. I mustn’t do many things at the same time, for it’s easy to make mistakes that way. I ought to avoid bad influences. I should ask for permission first before using anything that isn’t mine. From these matters, we can see that carefulness applies especially to the smallest things, such as tying up your shoelaces and holding an empty cup. As the common expression goes, “How you do anything is how you do everything.” Matters #4-5 emphasize the importance of being calm and careful. Accidents and mistakes are often made when our mind is rushing with thoughts, and cleaning up after our mistakes ends up taking a lot more time than if we had just been slow and careful to begin with. As the common Navy SEAL expression goes, "Slow is smooth. Smooth is fast." Notice how all of these matters can fall under filial piety (matters #4 and #6) as well. When we’re careful, our parents won’t be worried about us. Furthermore, these matters form the foundation for the virtue of trustworthiness. If someone is not careful with daily matters, how can you trust them with any responsibility? Short Stories on Carefulness Here are some short and inspiring stories on carefulness: The Final Interview Three Friends Find a Genie A Story About Cherishing Time Three Prisoners, Three Years Virtue 3: Trustworthiness Society is built on relationships, and relationships are built on trust. Therefore, a person who cannot be trusted cannot plant roots in society. No one will want to engage with them. Image Source It's important to not confuse trustworthiness with honesty. Trustworthiness means that I trust you have my best intentions in mind. You definitely do not have any harmful intentions towards me, you don't want to take advantage of me, and you're not uncareful such that you'd say something wrong. When we understand the meaning of trustworthiness, we can clearly see why it comes after filial piety and carefulness. A person with filial piety will have a loving and respectful heart. A person with carefulness won't make mistakes in their speech or tasks. Honesty, on the other hand, is just saying the truth. Honesty is important, but it must be balanced with love and carefulness. Otherwise, it's easy to damage relationships. A person who always says whatever they think under the reason of "I’m just being honest" is not trustworthy because they lack respect and carefulness. Examples of Trustworthiness in Practice Here are some examples of trustworthiness from Di Zi Gui: Whatever I speak, trustworthiness comes first. Whatever I don’t know for sure, I will not say. When I speak, I will speak clearly and calmly. To speak less is better than to speak more. I will not participate in gossip. If I see others’ virtues, I will diligently follow their example. If I see others’ vices, I will vigilantly guard myself against that vice. If I get angry when others tell me my faults, good people will leave me and bad people will come. If am I appreciative when hearing criticism and cautious when hearing praise, good people will come. If I can correct my faults, then they are gone. If I hide my faults, that’s adding a further fault on top. Matters 1-5 are all about carefulness in speech, for speech has big consequences. As Julian Treasure once said, "The human voice: It's the instrument we all play. It's the most powerful sound in the world, probably. It's the only one that can start a war or say 'I love you.'" Matters 6-8 are all about humility. If someone is arrogant, how can you trust them to have your best intentions at heart? If they don't have your best intentions at heart, how can you trust them with responsibility? Short Stories on Trustworthiness Here are some short and inspiring stories on trustworthiness: The Dorm Room that Always has Money Lying Around Two Children Peel Walnuts A Story About Anger An Opportunity at Nobility...At the Cost of Loyalty The Longest Trip Ever Virtue 4: Loving-Kindness What do you think of when you hear the word “love”? If you’re like most people, you probably think of a passionate Hollywood kind of image. Since Hollywood kind of owns the definition of the word “love” right now, we’ll use the word "loving-kindness." Loving-kindness has two parts. First, it’s about wanting the best for others. How do we know what’s best for others? We have to use our heart to feel what the other person needs, just like how a mother is able to feel what her infant needs without the infant saying a word. We start practicing this at a young age by using our hearts to feel what our parents need, then we can extend our hearts wider to other people. Second loving-kindness is love without conditions. Most of our love is conditional: You have to be good to me; only then will I love you. That’s not loving-kindness. Mother Earth nurtures all plants equally without conditions. That’s loving-kindness. Image Source Examples of Loving-Kindness in Practice Here are some examples of loving-kindness from Di Zi Gui: I should love all people, for we all live on the same Earth and under the same sky. People naturally respect those of high virtues and abilities, not those who speak and act big. Whatever I ask of others, I must first ask myself if I would be willing. Whatever abilities I have, I mustn’t be selfish with them. If a person is busy or not peaceful, I mustn’t bother them. I should praise other people’s virtues and not broadcast their faults. When treating servants, I should be dignified and kind. If I force others, their hearts will not be with me. If I can get their hearts with me, they will have no objections. Nowadays, many people's hearts are narrow: They only think of themselves. Rather than trying to make others happy, people want others to make them happy. If everybody was considerate of everybody else, imagine how pleasant and peaceful society would be. That's the importance of loving-kindness. Notice how these 8 matters tell us to widen our hearts, to love all people, to treat others the way we want to be treated, to be sensitive to other people's feelings, to praise others, and to appeal to people's hearts. Loving-kindness is a high road, and the high road leads to world peace. Short Stories on Loving-Kindness Here are some short and inspiring stories on loving-kindness: Emperor Zhao's New Minister Emperor Yao's First Visit with Shun: True Kindness A Story of Pure Benevolence Stranded for 30 Days Virtue 5: Humility Humility is about seeing yourself as a learner. A humble person does not look down upon anyone, but instead respecting everyone and viewing them as teachers. A big part of humility is learning. Learning requires carefulness and loving-kindness to support it. If you are not careful in your learning, it's easy to misunderstand teachers. If someone lacks loving-kindness, then they may end up using what they learned to hurt others. Image Source Examples of Humility in Practice Here are some examples of humility from Di Zi Gui: If I get angry when others tell me my faults, good people will leave and bad people will come. If am I appreciative when hearing criticism and cautious when hearing praise, good people will come. If I see others’ virtues, I will diligently follow their example. If I see others’ vices, I will vigilantly guard against that vice. Whatever extra time I have, I should use it to study and learn from Sages (people of highest virtues) If I learn but do not act on the learnings, then I’m growing vanity. If I act but do not learn, then I’m growing ignorance. If I get confused when learning, I ought to ask a suitable expert. If I can get close to people of high virtues, then my virtues will grow and my faults will decrease everyday. When my diligent efforts mature, obstacles will naturally fall away. I mustn’t give up on myself, for greatness can be trained. Matters 1 and 2 are about being open to criticism and feedback. Often times, people get defensive and argumentative when criticized. It's always admirable and pleasant when someone receives criticism with appreciation. Matters 3-8 are about diligently learning and applying those learnings in life to improve your character. Application is extremely important because if you don't apply what you learn, you don't get any benefits, and your understanding might even be wrong. We also need to be diligent and patient with the learning process and not give up too early before results can be reaped. Short Stories on Humility Here are some short and inspiring stories on humility: Emperor Zhao's New Minister: A story on how yielding is superiority. Emperor Yao's Humility Parable: The Blind Men and The Elephant A Great Military Strategist...On Paper A Sage's Mother Conclusion In conclusion, the quality of your character determines the quality of your life. Why? Because your character determines your thoughts, which determines your speech and actions, which then determines the results you get in life. When our thoughts, words, and actions are aligned with virtues, then we have good character. This article looked at five major virtues: filial piety, carefulness, trustworthiness, loving-kindness, and humility. There are many virtues one can list, but if you can remember and practice these five, you will be able to live an excellent life, get near excellent people, and teach others to be excellent. Now that you’ve learned about these five virtues, it’s important that you take action to practice them in your own life! I started by picking 10 lines from Di Zi Gui and inspecting myself at the end of every day. I was shocked at how many times I acted against Di Zi Gui's teachings. Once I started correcting my actions, my life improved, and I started having more peace and happiness. These results keep me motivated to keep following Di Zi Gui. It's been many months now, and I'm still improving. I encourage you to pick 5-10 lines that resonate with you and to reflect on those lines every day for one week and see what happens. If you get good results, try it for a month. It might feel like hard work at the beginning, but improving your character is definitely worth it. As Di Zi Gui says, with diligent effort and patience, you will surely reap great results!

Image Source: Unsplash I am a novice at the ashram, and we’ve been dropped off in a village with no money and no food, with the mission to find our way for thirty days. The weather is decent, and we’ve been given a warehouse for shelter. We leave our mats there and venture into the village. There are simple huts from which people sell food, spices, and sundries. Laundry is strung between the huts. Most people travel by bike or on foot—some of the children are barefoot. Untethered, without a plan, the first thing we feel is fear, which provokes us to do whatever it takes to survive. We ask for handouts—people in India are generous and often give bread, fruit, or coins to people in spiritual dress. We visit the temple where pilgrims are given free food called prasad—this is sanctified food that is offered to God, then handed out. Anxious about our survival, we resort to selfishness and hoarding. By the second week, we’re in better shape. We’ve figured out that we can earn our provisions by offering help to people in the village. We start assisting people with heavy loads or peddlers who could use a hand with their carts. We soon learn that opening our hearts and souls encourages others to do the same. The donations we receive aren’t dramatically different from the ones we got when we first arrived, but the exchange gives us a warm sense of communal compassion and generosity, and I feel like I’ve absorbed the lesson of our journey. We thought we had nothing, and indeed we barely had any material possessions. but we were still able to give people our effort. However, by the final week, we’re well-fed and secure enough to notice something deeper. Though we had come with nothing, we still had a certain kind of wealth: we are stronger and more capable than a lot of the people in the village. There are seniors, children, and disabled people on the street, all of them in greater need than we are. “I feel bad,” one monk says. “This is short-term for us. For them it’s forever.” “I think we’re missing something,” I add. “We can do more in this village than survive.” We recall Helen Keller’s refrain: “I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.” This is, unfortunately, no exaggeration. In India, you often see people with missing limbs. I realize that now we have found our way, we can share our food and money we have received with those who aren’t as able as we are. Just when I think I’ve learned the lesson of our journey, I come upon a revelation that affects me profoundly: Everyone, even those of us who have already dedicated our lives to service, can always give more. --- Source: Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty Commentary: How many of us are still living life the way the monks lived in the first week? There's a Chinese idiom that goes, "Giving is more joyous than receiving." No matter what our situation is, we can still give. Even if we have no material possessions to give, we can give our time, energy, and knowledge. We can also give others comfort and positivity with a smile or with our listening ears.

Image Source: Unsplash Fan Zhong Yan (范仲淹) was a famous duke in the Song Dynasty. He named his eldest son Fan Chun Ren (范纯仁), which literally means “pure benevolence”. From a young age, the son strived to live true to the name his father gave him. One time, his father asked him to transport 500 pecks of grain from the capital city back to their hometown in Jiangsu via boat. During his trip, he encountered his father’s long-time good friend. While catching up, the man told him about his family situation. His daughter still had not married yet, and the family’s living situation is quite tough. Furthermore, his parents recently died, and he doesn’t have the money to give them a proper funeral. After hearing this, Fan Chun Ren immediately decided to go sell the 500 pecks of grain and give the money to his father’s friend. The friend was very grateful, but it was still not enough for his needs. Fan Chun Ren wanted to help thoroughly, so he then sold the boat. After that, the money was enough. After this event, Fan Chun Ren returned to the capital city and sat down with his father to report on his journey. He described how he had encountered his father’s long-time friend mid-journey, and how that friend’s economic situation was tough, and he didn’t have the money to give his recently passed parents a proper funeral. He explained how he sold the 500 pecks of grains, but the money still wasn’t enough. At that point, the father said, “Well then, you should have sold the boat!” The son replied, “Father, I did sell the boat.” They both smiled at their unspoken connection. The son had indeed lived true to his name.

Image Source: Unsplash During the Warring States Period in China’s history, the Country of Zhao had a famous general named Zhao She (赵奢). Zhao She once defeated an invasion from the Country of Qin despite having a much smaller army. As a result of his accomplishments, King Zhao promoted him to a High Officer position. Zhao She had a son named Zhao Kuo (赵括), who from a very young age loved reading books on military affairs and strategy. He could recite military books by heart, and when discussing warfare with others, he was able to win debates even against his father. Hence, Zhao Kuo became increasingly arrogant. Zhao She become worried about his son because he knew that his son’s knowledge was just that: knowledge. Sure, he was great at theorizing on paper, but he lacked practical experience, so he should not be so confident. Zhao She even said, “In the future, our country must not use him as our general, for if he was put in charge, he would surely lead our army to defeat.” In 259 BC, the Country of Qin led another invasion on the Country of Zhao. At that time, Zhao She had already passed away, and Lian Po (廉颇) was in charge of commanding the Zhao army. Though Lian Po was old, he was a wise and experienced general. Under his leadership, the Qin army had no way of victory. The country of Qin knew that time was running out for their army, but they had heard rumours about Zhao Kuo’s arrogance and lack of real battle field experience. Hence, they sent people to the country of Zhao to spread rumors that “Qin’s General is most afraid of Zhao She’s son, Zhao Kuo.” These rumors soon reached King Zhao, who was deceived into believing them. King Zhao then ordered for Zhao Kuo to replace Lian Po in leading the country’s army. Zhao Kuo was still very arrogant in his abilities, and he decided to completely change the combat plan from Lian Po. As a result, over 400,000 of his soldiers were wiped out, and Zhao Kuo himself was killed by Qin’s general.

Image Source Mencius was a legendary Confucian scholar, second only to Confucius. By the time Mencius was born in 372 BC, Confucius had already passed away for 107 years. How then, did Mencius become the second sage of China? The story of Mencius’s mother raising her son is a famous one in China. Mencius’s father died when Mencius was very young, leaving his mother to raise him alone. They lived near a cemetery, so Mencius would go out and play in the graves as if he were a grave worker. Mencius enthusiastically made tombs, performed burials, and mimicked paid mourners in funeral processions. When Mencius’s mom saw this, she said, “This is no place to raise my son!” She managed to move them to a residence near a market in the town. Mencius would go out and play in the marketplace, and he would pretend to be a merchant* and copy their coarse language. Again, his mother said, “This is no place to raise my son!” (*For context, merchants were considered the lowest social class in ancient China because they produced nothing; all they did was buy and sell what others had worked hard to produce). This time, she managed to move them to a residence near a school. Mencius would go out and learn from the scholars at the school. He learned manners and etiquette, such as bowing, yielding, entering, and withdrawing. When Mencius’s mother saw this, she said, “Here indeed is a place to raise my son.” One day, when a young Mencius returned home from school, his mother asked, “How far did you get in your studies today?” Mencius replied, “About the same as usual.” Mencius’s mother was weaving a cloth in that moment, and she took up her scissors and swiftly cut the cloth she was weaving. This alarmed Mencius, and he asked his mother what’s wrong. The mother replied, “You neglecting your studies is like me cutting the cloth I wove. A gentleman studies to establish his reputation, and he asks questions to broaden his knowledge. This is how he obtains peace and happiness at home and avoids harm when he goes out. If now, you neglect your studies, you will be unable to avoid a life of menial service and strife. Similarly, if I give up midway during my weaving, how would I be able to clothe my child and earn a living for us so that we have food to eat? If a woman who abandons her livelihood and a man who neglects cultivating his virtue do not become burglars or thieves, then they will end their days as slaves." Mencius was frightened by his mother’s words, and afterwards, he studied day and night tirelessly. Later on, he studied with one of Confucius’s descendants, Master Zisi, and eventually became a legendary sage. Source: ""Mencius and his Mother: A Lesson Drawn from Weaving" [Literary Excerpt and Illustration]," in Children and Youth in History, Item #189, https://chnm.gmu.edu/cyh/items/show/189 (accessed April 16, 2021). Annotated by Anne Kinney

I recently heard Peter Crone talk about health and how what's normal around us is no longer natural. People think it's normal to get ill and go get pills and then be stuck on pills for life. That's not natural. I think this idea has so many more extensions. It's now normal that people eat lots of meat and processed foods on a regular basis. But naturally, people are meant to eat mostly plant-based foods in their whole forms. It's now normal that people are on their phones while others are trying to talk to them. But naturally, people want real human connection. It's now normal that children don't listen to parents, students don't listen to teachers, and people don't listen to leaders. But naturally, young children listen to and respect elders. It's now normal that people are overly selfish. But naturally, young children from a very young age are altruistic. It's now normal that people seek pleasure and instant gratification. But naturally, people seek higher meaning. So many of our modern problems stem from just doing what is "normal" and using "normal" as justification. But we need to reflect on whether our normal is actually natural before mindlessly following the herd. Image Source: Unsplash

I recently finished reading Thinking Like a Monk by Jay Shetty, and it is one of the best books I’ve read. The quality density is extremely high: my notes had over 17,000 words! I’m very excited to share my key learnings from the book and how I’ve applied them in my life. I hope this article will help you attain more peace and purpose in your life. In our modern society, people are so preoccupied with chasing “happiness”, and their image of happiness is based on what the media shows: fame, money, glamour, pleasure. The problem is, people will just seek more and more of these things, leading to frustration, disillusion, unhappiness, and exhaustion. If we want to learn anything, we should find the experts. If you want to learn basketball, you learn from Michael Jordan. If you want to learn innovation, you learn from Elon Musk. If you want to learn happiness, peace, and purpose, you learn from monks. In fact, the world’s happiest man is a monk named Matthieu Ricard. He was given that title after researchers scanned his brain and found the highest levels of gamma waves (associated with happiness) ever recorded by science. Jay wrote this book to help people in modern urban settings live more purposeful and more productive lives. He spent three years living as a monk, and after he returned to modern society, he found that his monk training helped him not just cope, but thrive in the pressures of modern society. Hence, he is on a mission to spread monk wisdom across the world. Jay explains that most of us have a Monkey Mind, and he wants to help us cultivate a Monk Mind. The book has three parts: Let Go, Grow, and Serve. We have to first let go of all the unwanted baggage that we inherited from society, which we probably aren’t even aware that we are carrying. After letting go, we have the space to grow ourselves by purifying our minds. Finally, with out growth, we can serve others and the world. These three parts are divided into 11 chapters, which I will summarize into 11 key ideas. At the end, I summarize the meditation practices that he recommends throughout the book and talk about my own experiences. Here is a click-able table of contents. Key Ideas: Clarify your identity Reverse negativity with Spot-Stop-Swap Get intimate with fear, then detach Hone good intentions Live your purpose and dharma Improve your routines and habits Master the mind Build self-esteem, not ego Practice frequent, specific and broad gratitude Understand and nurture relationships through trust and connection Service is the direct path to a happy and fulfilling life Meditation Practices: Breathing Exercises Visualization Mantra Chanting My Experience: Clarify Your Identity and Live Your Dharma Build Self-Esteem, Not Ego Hone Good Intentions Detachment Relationships Morning and Evening Routines Conclusion Key Idea 1: Clarify Your Identity “I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am.” —Charles Horton Cooley, 1902 The problem most of us face is that we do not consciously and intentionally decide on our values. In other words, we don’t pick what we deem as important. We just accept and inherit what other people around us think are important. When we live our lives trying to impress others based on values that we didn’t consciously choose, then we will be tired and stressed all the time. Therefore, the first step to thinking like a monk is to get clear on your values. Once you are clear on your values, you have a compass to guide you towards people, actions, and habits that are best for you. Jay tells us to play the Media Mind Game: List your values. Identify the origin of that value. Reflect on whether or not that value aligns with your true self. Here is an example: Jay encourages us to avoid lower values, which demote us to anxiety, depression, and suffering. Instead, we should adopt higher values, which propel us towards happiness, fulfillment, and meaning. He also notes that happiness and success are not values; they are rewards. After listing your values and identifying which ones are truly your values, audit your life to see if you are living in accordance with those values. Specifically, audit your time, money spending, and media: How much time did you spend on family, friends, health, and self? Does it match your priorities? How much money did you spend, and on what items? Do they correspond with your values? What media did you watch? For how long? Does it match your values? He then encourages us for one week to be really conscious about making value-driven decisions. For that week, whenever you spend time or money, pause for a moment and ask yourself, “What is the value behind this decision?” He also encourages us to surround ourselves with people that match our values. Clarifying our identity and then living in accordance with it will guide us towards a happy and meaningful life. Key Idea 2: Reverse negativity with Spot-Stop-Swap “Petty, negative thoughts and words are like mosquitos: Even the smallest ones can rob us of our peace.” —Jay Shetty Jay lists three cancers of the mind: comparing, complaining, and criticizing. Spot-Stop-Swap In order to overcome use bad habits, he recommends using Spot, Stop, Swap: Spot the negative feeling. Stop to understand what it is. Swap in a way of processing the feeling. The goal of spot is to increase our awareness because we often don’t even realize we’re being negative. Notice what makes you negative and how often you are negative. We can list our negative thoughts and reflect on where they came from. When we envy or judge others, that’s often a reflection of our own insecurities. In the stop step, we need to stop our negative behavior. We can breathe slowly and consciously to assert self-control. Then remind ourselves to speak only what is true, beneficial, non-hurtful, and timely. We need to remember that comparing, complaining, and criticizing will not help the situation. In the swap step, swap out your usual mindless venting and instead bring in a mindful request. Researchers have found that happy people still complain, but they do so mindfully, whereas those who thoughtlessly vent end up feeling worse. We can be mindful of our negativity by being specific. For example, let’s say your partner came home late from work and you feel annoyed. First, you spot that feeling of annoyance. Second, you stop before speaking out in annoyance. You remind yourself to speak only what is true, beneficial, non-hurtful, and timely. Then, you swap out the complaint you were going to make and instead make it a specific request that comes from a place of care instead of hurt. You can say to your partner, “I appreciate that you work hard and have a lot to balance. When you come home later than promised, it upsets me and makes you feel like you don’t care about me. You could support me by texting me as soon as you know you’re running late.” Anger Another negative emotion is anger, which arises from hurt. People often seek revenge because they think they will feel better when they see the way that person responds. But it rarely turns out as planned, and then you end up in even more pain. We need to use forgiveness to transform anger. “When you squeeze an orange, you get orange juice. When you squeeze someone full of pain, pain comes out. Instead of absorbing it or giving it back, if you forgive, you help diffuse the pain.” —Jay Shetty If you are angry, Jay recommends writing a forgiveness letter on paper. You don’t actually send this letter to them. It’s a method of working through your anger. Visualize yourself in the other person’s shoes. Acknowledge their pain and understand that’s why they are giving you pain. On paper, list all the ways you think the other person did you wrong. Start each item with “I forgive you for…” Keep going until you get everything out. Acknowledge your own shortcomings. List the ways you feel you did wrong, starting each with “Please forgive me for…” When you’re done writing the letter, record yourself reading it. play it back and listen to it. You can even write a forgiveness letter to yourself. Replace steps 3 & 4 with “I forgive myself for…” When we forgive ourselves for our imperfections and mistakes, we open ourselves up to the emotional healing we need. Ultimately, these negative emotions come from fear and the ego, which the book goes into more detail about later. In conclusion, we should challenge ourselves to dig to the roots of our negativity, understand it, and be thoughtful of how we manage it. Rather than vent mindlessly, we should spot, stop, and swap. We should observe, reflect, and develop new behaviors. Key Idea 3: Get intimate with fear, then detach. “Our fears are more numerous than our dangers, and we suffer more in our imagination than reality.” —Seneca We’ve been taught that fear is bad. But fear isn’t bad. It’s a warning signal. We can use fear to develop solutions or we can allow it to overwhelm us and do nothing as a result. It’s all about how we respond to the signal. People have four emotional reactions to fear: panic, freezing, running away, burying it. These four reactions distract us and prevent us from using fear productively. In order to use fear productively, we need to Acknowledge the fear Rate the fear Find your fear patterns Detach from the fear When we acknowledge the fear, we say “I see you and I’m here for you”. Fear and pain are both asking for attention. Saying “I see you” gives them the attention they need. Second, rate your fear on a scale from 0 to 10, with 10 being your absolute worst fear. This helps us put the situation into perspective. Third, ask your fear, “When do I feel you?” Get intimate with your fears. All fears come from an attachment to something impermanent, so the solution is to detach from that thing. For example, a person came to Jay because she was tired of being a lawyer and wanted to do something new, but she was afraid. Jay asked her what she’s afraid of, and she said “What if I don’t succeed?”. Jay wanted to get deeper at the roots of her fear, so he kept asking, “What are you really scared of?” Eventually, she said, “I’ve spent so much effort and energy building this career. What if I’m just throwing it all away?” Jay asked again, and then she said she’s afraid of being seen as anything less than an intelligent, capable person by others and herself. That was the root of her fear. Once she intimately understood her fear, she was able to work with it. She could detach from prestige and recognize that it comes and goes with time. That freed up energy for her to then go find role models who were former lawyers and successfully transitioned to something new. Jay recommends us to audit our attachments. Ask yourself, “What am I afraid of losing?” Start with the external things like possessions and looks. Then move onto internal things like status and acceptance. Then for each thing, accept that it is temporary and that you can’t truly own it or control it. When we no longer try to control it, we will feel our fear dissolve, and we will feel gratitude and freedom. To conclude, after we identify the attachment behind a fear and then foster detachment, we can live with freedom and enjoyment. Key Idea 4: Hone Good Intentions “When there is harmony between the mind, heart, and resolution then nothing is impossible.” —Rig Veda The Four Levels of Motivation Whether or not our actions lead to happiness depends on or intentions behind them. The book mentions four motivations: fear, desire, duty, and love. Fear is being driven by negative things like sickness, poverty, and death. Fear is like a flare that alerts us to a problem, but it is not a sustainable motivator. IF we operate on fear for too long, we will lose our ability to function, or we WILL become frantic or paralyzed. Desire is being driven by personal gratification through wealth, success, and pleasure. These things are all illusions that don’t truly make us happy. Jay explains that we don’t desire a “thing” in life, we desire the feeling we think that thing will give us. But material things can’t give us happiness. Happiness and fulfillment come from mastering the mind and connecting with the soul. “Success is earning money, being respected in your work, executing projects smoothly, receiving accolades. Happiness is feeling good about yourself, having close relationships, making the world a better place.” —Jay Shetty Duty is being motivated by gratitude, responsibility, and doing the right thing. Love is motivated by helping and caring for others. Duty and love give us purpose and meaning, and they lead to true happiness. When we are motivated by duty and love, we can better handle stress. For example, a mother can endure late nights planning a birthday party for her child because she gets satisfaction from being a loving mother. But if she has to stay up late for a job she hates, she would be miserable. The Why Ladder Jay recommends using the Why Ladder to find out the true intention behind our desires. Doing this requires us to not only think about why we want something, but also who we are and whether being that person appeals to us. For example, let’s say you want to get rich. Keep asking yourself “Why?” Why do you want to become rich? “I don’t ever want to have to worry about money again.” Why do you worry about money? “I can’t afford to take the vacations I dream about.” Why do you want those vacations? “I see everyone on exotic trips on social media. Why should they get to do that when I can’t?” Why do you want what they want? “They’re having much more fun than I have on my weekends.” Now we’re getting to the root of the want. Your weekends are unfulfilling. What’s missing? “I want my life to be more exciting, more adventurous, more exhilarating.” Okay, so your intention is to make life more exciting. Notice how different that is from “I want money.” Although your intention is still driven by desire, at least you now know you can add adventure into your life without being rich. Jay urges us to plant seeds not weeds. Intentions like love, compassion, and service are like seeds. They can grow into expansive trees that provide fruit and shelter for everyone. Intentions like ego, greed, envy, anger, pride, competition, and stress are like weeds. They might look like normal plants to begin with, but they won’t grow into nice plants after. Act on Your Intentions After we plant good intentions, we have to act on them. If you want a nice car, what will it take to get it? Are you willing to put in the effort? Will the work itself bring you a sense of fulfillment, even if you don’t succeed? When we fixate on the outcome, we won’t be happy. When we enjoy the process, we will be happy. Note that our intentions usually aren’t completely pure. For example, if you donate to charity, your intention might be 88 percent to help people, 8 percent to feel good about yourself, and 4 percent to have fun with other charitable friends. We need to remember that the less pure they are, the less likely we will be happy, even if we are successful. In conclusion, plant higher intentions like duty and love, then act on them. The purer your good intentions, the happier you will be. Key Idea 5: Live Your Purpose and Dharma “Your passion is for you. Your purpose is for others.” —Jay Shetty Jay explains that Dharma = Passion + Expertise + Usefulness. In other words, when we use our passions and expertise to provide something that others need, we will have true happiness and fulfillment. Someone people aren’t passionate about their work. Others follow their passions and interest, but no one needs their work. If either piece is missing, then we are not living in our dharma. "When your natural talents and passions (your varna) connect with what the universe needs (seva) and become your purpose, you are living in your dharma. When you spend your time and energy living in your dharma, you have the satisfaction of using your best abilities and doing something that matters to the world. Living in your dharma is a certain route to fulfillment." —Jay Shetty Four Quadrants of Potential Jay explains the four quadrants of potential that people live in. Quadrant 2: Good at and love The goal is to move our time and energy towards quadrant 2: doing things we are good at AND love. To find out how close you are to living your dharma right now, answer these questions: Do you like your job? Do you love your job? Are you good at your job? Do other people need and appreciate your work? Is your greatest skill or passion outside your work? What is it? Do you dream of making it your work? Do you think this is an attainable dream? Do you think there might be ways you could bring your passion to your work? Write down any ideas you have for bringing your passion to the universe Quadrant 1: Good at it, but no passion If you are doing something you are good at but don’t love, you don’t have to make a drastic career change. You can look for opportunities to do what you love in the life you already have. For example, see if you can bring your passion into the workplace, or bring it to other aspects of your life like your hobbies and friendships. Another option is to find a reason to love your strengths. Think about how it might serve you in the future. We can do job crafting, which is when employees redesign their own jobs in ways that foster engagement at work, job satisfaction, resilience, and thriving. For example, some cleaning staff at a hospital viewed their job as mundane. Others viewed it as deeply meaningful. Why? They talked about providing company for lonely patients, escorting elderly visitors, switching pictures on the walls to different rooms, etc. These were tasks that they took initiative to do, not what was stated in the job description. They thought of themselves as healers and ambassadors rather than custodians. By reframing how they saw their job duties, they found purpose and meaning. Quadrant 3: Not good at, also don’t love Avoid this type of work. Outsource it if you can. Maybe you can trade tasks with a colleague. After all, just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean nobody likes it. For example, maybe you don’t like Excel work and you are also not good at it, but you are great at designing presentations. Someone else might have the opposite situation, in which case you can help each other out. If you really can’t offload the chore, then remember that every task is important, and no one is too important to do any chore. For example, at the ashram, Jay had to do all sorts of menial and unpleasant chores, such as cleaning the toilets. It cultivated his humility, and he also used the time to recite texts. Quadrant 4: Not good at, but love In this case, you should spend time to improve that skill. You can use your commutes or cooking time to listen to educational podcasts on that subject. You can read and watch videos on that topic every day. Even 10 minutes a day would be 70 minutes a week. You can learn a lot with consistency! For example, when Jay first started making videos, he lacked video editing skills. So he spend 5 hours a day, 5 days a week, after work learning to edit videos. Vedic Personality Jay explains that there are four Vedic personality types: Guide, Leader, Creator, and Maker. Knowing our Vedic personality type will help us know our strengths and live according to our dharma. Note that no one type is better than other. They are like different organs in a body; they’re meant to work together in a community. To find out which type is your primary one, you can take this online survey: https://s.surveyanyplace.com/dharmatype Guides are compelled to learn and share knowledge. They make great teachers are writers. They value wisdom more than fame or money. Their purpose can be to use knowledge to help people. Leaders like to influence and provide. They make good managers and often work in military, justice, or politics. They are led by morals and seek to inspire cooperation and support society long-term. Creators like to make things happen, and they are good at innovating and networking. They make good marketers, salespeople, entertainers, and entrepreneurs. A good purpose for them is creating products that serve society and the greater good. Makers like to see things tangibly being built. They make good artists, musicians, writers, nurses, engineers, and cooks. They are good at inventing, supporting, and implementing. They are motivated by stability and security, as well as supporting those in need. Makers and creators complement each other, while guides and leaders complement each other. When you know your Vedic personality type, you can invest in your strength and surround yourself with people who can fill your gaps. That helps us live in our dharma. “When you safeguard your dharma, you constantly strive to be in a place where you thrive. When you thrive, people notice, and you reap rewards that help you stay in your dharma.” —Jay Shetty Aside from building our dharma, we also need to build our character. “To build your competence without regard for character is narcissistic, and to build character without working on skills is devoid of impact.” —Jay Shetty. Key Idea 6: Improve your routines and habits Jay urges us to intentionally create good habits by using location and time. Specifically, he urges us to take control of the beginning and end of our days with a good morning routine and evening routine. A good morning routine sets us up for success for the rest of the day. The best way to have a successful morning is to have a successful evening prior. The best way to wake up earlier is to sleep earlier. Morning and Evening Routines For the morning routine, he recommends: Thankfulness — express gratitude to someone, some place, or something every day. That includes thinking it, writing it, and sharing it. Insight — read a book or listen to a podcast Meditation — spend 15 mins alone, breathing, visualizing or with sound Exercise — can be simple stretching or a gym work out For the evening routine, he gives these tips: The clothes you sleep in need to be different from the clothes you wear in the day because day clothes carry day energy. Remove small decisions from your next morning by dealing with them now. Every little decision takes away energy. Examples: what to eat, what to wear, what to do. Go to sleep with good thoughts because the emotion you fall asleep with will likely be the emotion you’ll wake up with. To help us wake up earlier and make time for the morning routine, Jay gives a two-week plan. In the first week, wake up just 15 mins earlier. Don’t look at your phone right away. Instead, do as much of the morning routine as you can. In the second week, get up another 15 minutes earlier. Now, you have 30 minutes of morning time for your morning routine. Location has energy; Time has memory Aside from the morning and evenings, Jay urges us to be more conscious in choosing the locations and timings of tasks during the day because location has energy and time has memory. In terms of location, we should only use one space for one purpose. For example, the bed is only for sleep, not for electronic devices. The kitchen table is only for eating, not for working. Even if we only have a small apartment, we can designate certain spaces in a room to specific activities. In terms of timing, we should do something at the same time every day. That will help us remember to do it. We can also attach new habits onto existing habits to make it easier. For example, Jay had a friend who wanted to start yoga, so put a yoga mat next to her bed, and she would literally roll out of bed onto her yoga mat every morning and do yoga. Ultimately, using location and timing can help us focus. Studies show that people cannot multitask. When people think they multitask, they are actually just switching between tasks really fast. This feels good in the moment, which is why it can be addictive, but it leads to burnout and low productivity. When we have periods of deep focus, we’re not only more productive, but we feel better afterwards. Key Idea 7: Master the Mind “For him who has conquered the mind, the mind is the best of friends; but for one who has failed to do so, his very mind will be the greatest enemy.” —The Bhagavad Gita We all have bad habits and thinking patterns like anger, envy, greed, fear, and ego. By mastering the mind, we can overcome these. The key to mastering the mind is again, detachment. For example, instead of telling yourself “I am angry”, you can say, “I feel angry” or “There is anger.” Don’t identify with the emotion; observe it. “At the ashram, I learned something that has been crucial in curbing these dangerous, self-destructive thoughts. Our thoughts are like clouds passing by. The self, like the sun, is always there. We are not our minds.” —Jay Shetty The first step to understanding our minds is to simply become aware of the different voices inside of us. The Monkey Mind is like a child that needs attention. The Monk Mind is like the mature adult. Don’t view your monkey mind as an enemy. View it as a collaborator, and then you can move from battle to bond, enemy to friend. The parent mind must give attention to the monkey mind, which is also the subconscious mind. Our unconscious mind already has instinctive patterns that we didn’t conscious choose, and our conscious mind isn’t awake to make edits. For example, someone tells you, “You look amazing today,” and our subconscious mind instinctively thinks, “No I don’t.” In order to overwrite the voices in your head, you have to start talking to them. Literally. If your mind says, ‘You can’t do this,’ respond by saying to yourself, ‘You can do it. You have the ability. You have the time.’ Jay gives many more examples of reframing our thoughts more positively: Instead of saying, “I’m bored. I’m slow. I can’t do this.” Say, “You are working on it. You are improving.” Instead of saying “I can’t do this”, Say, “I can do this by…” Instead of saying, “I’m bad at this”, Say, “I’m investing the time I need to get better.” Instead of saying, “I’m ugly”, Say, “I’m taking steps to be my healthiest.’ Instead of saying, “I can’t handle everything,” Say, “I’m prioritizing and checking items off my list.” Jay then goes back to talking about how detachment is the only way we can gain control of the mind. He gives the example of Tidying Up with Marie Kondo, which showcases of the joy of detachment. People literally cry with relief after purging possessions because they’ve reduced the number of things they’re attached to. “Detachment is not that you own nothing, but that nothing should own you.” –Ali, cousin and son-in-law of the Prophet Muhammed To practice detachment, we can take on temporary challenges and austerities, such as Giving up TV or your phone Giving up sweets or alcohol Taking on a physical challenge Abstaining from gossip, complaining, and comparing Meditating in cold or heat Another way is to use Spot-Stop-Swap: Spot the attachment. For example, spot when you check your phone mindlessly. Is it out of boredom, laziness, fear of missing out, loneliness? Stop and rethink it. How much time is your limit for screen time? Swap in a new behavior. You can either go all-in by committing to a week or month to no social media. Or you can make a small change and build on it. Experiment to see which method works better for you. Then decide how you want to spend your newfound time. For example, it could be meditation, or interacting with friends in real life. Finally, our minds need daily maintenance, just like how we brush our teeth every day. We should cleanse our thoughts and reframe the ones that don’t serve us. This daily maintenance will make our minds pure and calm and able to grow. Key Idea 8: Build self-esteem, not ego “If you are satisfied with who you are, you don’t need to prove your worth to anyone else.” —Jay Shetty The ego is problematic in many ways: It makes us liars, which breaks trust It creates false hierarchies, which creates discrimination and ruins kindness It creates judgment, which ruins our character It creates arrogance and prevents learning and growth When it comes to ego, Jay urges us to start by reflecting on the difference between our outside persona with our true self. To do that, think about the choices you make when you’re alone versus when there’s nobody to judge you and nobody you’re trying to impress. If there’s a big difference, then you need to build self-esteem (true confidence) and reduce ego. It takes the same amount of energy to feign confidence as it takes to work, practice, and achieve true confidence. Use this table to build your self-esteem. To reduce ego, we can do two things: cultivate humility and detach from the ego. Build Humility Most people remember the good they have done for others and remember the bad that others have done for them. That is the ego at work. To build humility, monks remember the bad they have done to others and the good others have done for them. That keeps them humble and grateful. Monks also forget the good that they’ve done for others and the bad others have done to them. Anything they’ve given to others was given to them by life. They were never owners; they detached, so they are happy to give it away. They also forgive us because of their kindness and humility. Detach from the Ego Remember that you are not your achievements, job, possessions, youth, or beauty. These are all temporary things that will pass. They were given to you, and they will leave. When we truly understand the impermanence of everything, then we will feel liberated and grateful for what we have. Look for these opportunities to detach from ego: Receiving an insult – look at the broader view of the person’s negativity Receiving a compliment – be grateful to your teachers Arguing with a partner – see the other person’s side. “lose” the battle. Wait a day and see how it feels. Topping people – When hearing other’s accomplishments, be happy for them and don’t say anything about your accomplishments. For example, Kalilash Satyarthi is a children’s rights activist who has saved tens of thousands of children. When asked what his first reaction to winning the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize, he responded, “The first reaction? Well, I wondered if I had done enough to be getting this award.” That is humility. Rather than trying to satisfy our egos, we should be humble and aim for real greatness: “Real greatness is when you use your own achievements to teach others, and they learn how to teach others, and the greatness that you’ve accomplished expands exponentially.” —Jay Shetty Key Idea 9: Practice frequent, specific and broad gratitude “When you start your day with gratitude, you’ll be open to opportunities, not obstacles. You’ll be drawn to creativity, not complaint.” —Jay Shetty Studies show that gratitude is linked to better mental health, self-awareness, better relationships, and a sense of fulfillment. When we feel grateful, our brain releases dopamine (the reward chemical), which makes us want to feel that way again, and we begin to make a habit of gratitude. It’s a virtuous cycle. He explains that gratitude is about appreciating everything for its value other than monetary value. For example, we can appreciate our food before a meal. We can appreciate a hardship from the past for the learning and growth that it gave us. Most of us have been trained to look for the negative in life. For example, one time Jay’s monk teacher told the class to think of a past event in their life that they felt they didn’t deserve. Everyone described events like being untreated unfairly or having bad luck. Afterwards, the teacher said, “While all of your events are valid, not one of you talked about the fortunate that you didn’t earn but were simply handed in life.” After hearing this, Jay flashed back to a childhood memory, when he saw a girl in the slums of India searching for food in a garbage bin. When she took her arms out of the bin, he saw that she didn’t even have hands. Later, at the hotel restaurant, he heard people complain about the food despite there being dozens of choices available. He realized how fortunate he was to have all that he has, and that he didn’t work to earn any of it. His father actually worked his way out of the slums in Pune, not far from Mumbai. Jay was the receiver of immense hard work and sacrifice. To re-train our minds into gratitude instead of complaining, Jay recommends us to keep a gratitude journal for a week. Every night, spend five minutes writing down the things you are grateful for. With practice, you get better at it. As a bonus, compare how much better your sleep was the week where you kept a gratitude journal compared to a week where you didn’t do the gratitude journal. He also recommends us to express gratitude to others. When doing so, we need to be specific. For example, instead of just saying, “Thanks for that great party!”, we can say, “Thanks for your hard work in organizing and hosting that great party! I really enjoyed the ice breaker activities, and those mashed potatoes were so delicious!” Lastly, he encourages us to volunteer and help those in need as a way to broaden and strengthen our gratitude. It gives us a bigger perspective on life, bring us out of low emotions like anger, stress, and envy. Studies show that volunteering helps decrease depression and increase feelings of overall wellbeing. Key Idea 10: Understand and nurture relationships through trust and connection “The golden way is to be friends with the world and to regard the whole human family as one.” —Gandhi Jay starts by talking about how at the ashram, everyone loves each other like a big family. During his first year at the ashram, he felt like he was going out of his way to help his fellow monks, but they weren’t returning the love. He then told his teacher, “I feel like I’m giving out a lot of love, but I don’t feel like it’s being returned in kind. I’m loving, caring, and looking out for others, but they don’t do the same for me. I don’t get it.” His teacher first asked him, “Why are you giving out love?” The point was that we shouldn’t give out love with the expectation of getting something in return; otherwise, that’s just selfishness. But the teacher also added, “Whenever you give out any energy—love, hate, anger, kindness—you will always get it back. One way or another, love is like a circle. Whatever love you give out, it always comes back to you. The problem lies with your expectations. You assume the love you receive will come from the person you gave it to. But it doesn’t always come from that person. Similarly, there are people who love you who don’t give the same love in return.” After hearing this, Jay realized that too often, we love people who don’t love us, but we fail to return the love of others who do. For example, Jay gets frustrated when someone isn’t returning his call. Yet his mother is sitting there all the time thinking, I wish my son would call me! When it comes to having good relationships, we must first establish clear expectations. If we cannot articulate what we want to ourselves or others, we will end up attracting the wrong people, which will lead to bad relationships. To establish expectations, Jay talks about trust and reason. Establish Clear Expectations He then explains that different relationships have different purposes based on the four types of trust: Competence – they have the knowledge and skills needed for your issue Care – they want what’s best for you (not them) Character – they have a strong moral compass Consistency – they are there when you need them Knowing which type of trust someone has informs you on what to expect from them. The four types of trust may seem basic, but who do you know in your life that has all four? We shouldn’t expect people to give us everything we need. For example, Jay’s mom has care and consistency. She can be his cheerleader, but she can’t give him career advice. Jay’s monk teacher has character and care. He can be a spiritual advisor, but he also cannot give him career advice. We shouldn’t expect one person to be our everything or to complete us. Only you can be your everything. We also need to think about how long someone is meant to be in our lives. Jean Dominique Martin once said, “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” Most people are in your life for a specific and temporary reason. Once that reason is gone, they’re gone. An example might be a past romantic relationship. Some other people are in your life for a season, such as people from school or a past workplace. Few people are here for a lifetime, such as family and spouse. Once we are clear on our expectations for others based on their trust type and how long we expect them in our life, then we can build trust. Trust also has four levels: Neutral trust – positive qualities (e.g., charm, good looks) e.g., charm, good looks) exist that don’t merit trust Contractual – I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine Mutual – you know you’ll be there for each other in the future Pure – You will have each other’s back no matter what happens In order to build trust, we can Fulfill promises (contractual trust) Going out of your way to offer support (mutual trust) Standing by someone even when they are in a bad place or made a big mistake (pure trust) Next, Jay goes specifically into romantic relationships and talks about seeking connection over attraction. Establish a Deep Connection Jay lists five reasons people get attracted to someone else: Physical – you like their looks Material – you like their possessions, power, or accomplishments Intellectual – you like how they think Emotional – you connect well. They understand your feelings. Spiritual – they share your deepest goals and values Nowadays, if you ask people what attracts them to another person, they usually say looks, success, and intellect. But those three qualities alone aren’t enough for long-lasting relationships. Emotional and spiritual connection lead to long lasting connection, and they show your compatibility. He also talks about how many couples complain that they don’t have enough time to spend with each other. But actually, their problem isn’t the amount of time, but the quality of time. He tells us, “Don’t confuse time with energy. You can spend an hour with someone but only give them ten minutes of your energy.” He urges us to give our loved ones quality time, where we are not distracted by our electronic devices. Have deep conversations with people and really give them your presence and attention. Romance Mistakes Jay asserts that until you understand yourself, you won’t be ready for romance. He quotes Thich Nhat Hanh, who said, “Often, we get crushes on others not because we truly love and understand them, but to distract ourselves from our suffering. When we learn to love and understand ourselves and have true compassion for ourselves, then we can truly love and understand another person.” If you find yourself attracting the same sort of incompatible partners over and over again, then you are carrying pain. You try to find people to ease that pain, but only you can do that. Don’t look for someone to solve your problems or fill a hole. Nobody completes you. You don’t have to be perfect, but you should be coming from a place of giving instead of draining. Jay asserts that if we are in a bad relationship, we need to leave: “If we are still listening to our child minds, we’re attracted to people who aren’t good for us but make us feel better in the moment. Don’t wrap your self-esteem around someone else. Nobody deserves verbal, emotional, or physical abuse. It is better to be alone.” We also shouldn’t let such toxic relationships transition into friendship. The dynamic won’t change. When it comes to breakups, Jay goes back to detachment: “We imagine that the grasping and clinging that we have in our relationships shows that we love. Whereas actually, it is just attachment, which causes pain. Because the more we grasp, the more we are afraid to lose, then if we do lose, then of course we are going to suffer.” —Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo In order to overcome heartbreak, Jay recommends people to Feel every emotion. Write them down. Ask questions about them. Learn from the situation. Believe in your worth. Make yourself whole. Wait before dating again. Don’t rebound or revenge-date. Keeping Love Alive Many people are always chasing the honeymoon period feeling. But being addicted to the past doesn’t make room for new experiences. At the beginning, people made NEW memories with energy and openness. Love is kept alive by learning and growing together. Fresh experiences bring excitement into your life and build a stronger bond. Jay has many recommendations for couple activities drawn from monk principles: Find new in the old (e.g., take a walk in the neighborhood and challenge each other to find a something new) Find new ways to spend time together Serve together Meditate and chant together Envision together what you both want from the relationship After talking about relationships with our close ones, Jay moves on to our relationship with the broader world. Key Idea 11: Service is the direct path to a happy and fulfilling life “The ignorant work for their own profit…the wise work for the welfare of the word…” —Bhagavad Gita, 3:25. Jay asserts that the highest purpose in life is to live a life of service, and that is the most direct path to a happy and fulfilling life. He talks about how at the ashram, monks don’t ask, “How was work today?” They ask, “Have you served today?” Monks seek to leave a place cleaner than they found it, people happier than they found them, and the world better than they found it. We are born to care for others, as evidenced when little children instinctively do things to help others. He also explains how service is aligned with nature: The sun provides light, trees provide oxygen and shade, water provides nourishment. Human beings are meant to serve. Serving others has many benefits: Service connects us to others and the world Service amplifies gratitude by giving you a broad view of all that you have Service increases compassion Service builds self-esteem, that you have a meaning and purpose in the world Many people say they will serve later, when they have financial security or emotional stability. Jay says, “Take care of yourself—yes. But don’t wait until you have enough time and money to serve. You will never have enough.” He also asks, “Who is wealthier, the one with money or the one who serves?” To build a service mindset, Jay recommends us to extend our circle of care. Think of 4-6 people you would drop everything to hep. How often to you show care to them? Can you start now? Then think of a group of at least 20 people you could help. It could be a community group. Then tape that list to the mirror where you brush your teeth. Now you’ll think about them at least twice a day. Observe how this changes your motivation to serve them. He also urges us to serve with a kind intention without wanting anything in return. When we serve with a pure intention, their happiness is our happiness. We should also remember that whatever we are giving to others, be it objects or energy, was given to us. Therefore, real detachment is service towards a higher purpose. If you are not sure where to devote your energy, Jay recommends following the pain in your heart. Write down three moments in your life when you felt lost or in need. Then see if those options have any opportunities to serve that suit your dharma. “When you’re living in service, you don’t have time to complain and criticize. When you’re living in service, your fears go away. When you’re living in service, you feel grateful. Your material attachments diminish. Service is the direct path to a meaningful life.” —Jay Shetty Meditation Practices Meditation is analogous to cleaning a large temple. You clean your mind and your heart while meditating. But by the time you’ve finished cleaning the temple, the temple is already getting dirty and dusty again. It’s like brushing your teeth; you need to do it every day. Many people dislike meditation because they think they have to stop thinking. But actually, the point of meditation is to train our awareness to notice thoughts and then return to the meditation, As Jay says, “Meditation is not broken when you’re distracted. It is broken when you let yourself pursue the distracting thought.” Jay also mentions that when it comes to starting a new habit like meditation, we should find some time to go deep. If you had to learn a new sport like golf, and you only played golf for 10 minutes a day, do you think you would get good at it or even like it? The same is true for meditation. Find a week or weekend long meditation retreat. Go deep. Only then will you get the true benefits. Then you can do your 10 minutes a day, and it’ll be totally different. The book talks about three types of meditations: breathing exercises, visualization, mantra. I won’t list all the meditations since there are so many, but I’ll briefly explain some of them. Breathing Exercises Conscious breathing is one of the quickest and most effective ways to calm our mind. Breathing to calm yourself: Breath in for a count of 4 through the nose. Hold for a count of 4. Exhale for a count of 4 through your mouth. Do this 10 times. Breathing for energy and focus: Breathe in through your nose for a count of 4. Exhale powerfully through your nose for less than a second (You will feel a sort of engine pumping in your lungs). Breathe in again through your nose for a count of 4. Do this 10 times. Breathing for sleep: Breathe in for 4 seconds. Exhale for longer than 4 seconds. Do this until you are asleep or close to it. Visualization Visualization creates changes in the body. For example, scientists at Cleveland Clinic showed that people who imagined contracting a muscle in their little finger over 12 weeks increased its strength by almost as much as people who did actual finger exercises. Visualization meditation can heal the past. For example, if you said someone horrible to your parents right before they died, you can visualize yourself going back and saying to them how much you loved them. It doesn’t change the past, but it starts the healing. Visualization can also prepare us for the future. For example, Jay visualizes himself delivering a big speech with confidence and grace before the actual speech. To do visualization, we can either listen to a guided meditation or just come up with our own visualization. For example, Jay gives a 5-4-3-2-1 gratitude visualization, where you visualize a time that you were extremely grateful for, and then pay attention to 5 things you can see 4 things you can touch 3 things you can hear 2 things you can smell 1 thing you can taste You can also use the 5-4-3-2-1 meditation to notice your surroundings and bring your focus back to the present moment. Mantra Chanting Meditations A mantra is a spiritual sound expressing thought and meaning that summons a power greater than ourselves. Mantra literally means “to transcend the mind.” The most important thing is to have an intention of devotion and love. Sound transports us to a different time and space. For example, when we hear a favorite childhood song, we are transported back to that time and space. Chanting a mantra uses the power of sound. Jay explains, “The repetition of sound purifies us. The sound is immersive, like giving our souls a regular bath. You can’t put one drop of water on your body and be clean—you have to go underneath the water.” The oldest, most common mantra is Om. It can mean infinite knowledge, or “the sound by which the Lord is praised.” Om has three syllables – A-U-M. Each sound embodies a different state (wakefulness, dreaming, and deep sleep) or time (past, present, and future). You could say the word om represents everything. The vibrations from om have been shown to stimulate the vagus nerve, which decreases inflammation. Chanting om has already been shown to calm one of the brain’s emotional centers. Jay gives three mantras (you can search up how to pronounce them on YouTube): Om namo bhagavata vasudevaya Om tat sat Lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu The first one is used for connecting with the universe, seeking insight and guidance. The second one is used for refining intentions at the beginning of important work. The third one is used to express love and kindness to all living beings. If you don’t want to chant a spiritual sound, then you can use affirmations, which can be anything that inspires you, such as “At your own pace, in your own time.” “This too shall pass.” “Live everything” “This moment is yours.” "I am happy about who I am becoming. I am open to all opportunities and possibilities. I am worthy of real love. I am ready to serve with all I have." (This one is Jay's recommended one) Daily Meditation Practice Jay recommends us to have a daily meditation practice. We can start with 21 minutes in the morning routine, and later expand it to morning and night. The meditation practice should have 7 minutes for breath work, 7 minutes for visualization, and 7 minutes for mantra. Don’t look for a measure of success. Just keep doing it. practice consistently for 4-12 weeks and you’ll start to notice the effects. Things you might notice You miss doing the meditation if you stop Increased awareness of what’s going on in your mind You gradually acquire a long-term mastery of self My Own Experience I’ve followed Jay’s work since 2017, back when he only had 1 billion views, so many (though not all) of the things he talked about in the book, I actually heard about before. He gives really useful and easy-to-implement advice, and I’ll share my experience here: Clarify Your Identity and Live Your Dharma Build Self-Esteem, Not Ego Hone Good Intentions Detachment Relationships Morning and Evening Routines 1: Clarify Your Identity and Live Your Dharma I’ve heard this advice from so many other people as well, which speaks to how universal and basic it is. We need to know what we truly value in life. Only then can we live according to those values. Only after, can we feel true to ourselves and be happy. In my own reflection, I found that I chased money and prestige during my university years. I realized those values were put into me by business school. After I left that environment and started learning about purpose, fulfillment, and service, I realized that what I really care about is helping others. Before, I had a bright career path in the corporate world, but it just didn’t feel right with me. I was chasing money and prestige, and it was indeed stressful because there’s always more money and more prestige to chase. If I had known about the four Vedic personality tests while I was still a student, I probably would’ve made a better career choice. It wasn’t until after I worked for a couple years that I gained clarity on how my strength and passion lied in teaching and spreading wisdom. After switching my career to be a teacher, which aligned with my true values, I have so much more energy and meaning in my life. 2: Build Self-Esteem, Not Ego Once I started living according to my values rather than society’s values, I stopped comparing myself to others based on things like appearance, wealth, and prestige. In fact, I stopped comparing. Comparison is another value that was imposed on me by the media. I now value kindness and equality. I try to treat everyone with kindness. When I’m focused on kindness, the thought of comparison doesn’t even arise. Hence, I have high self-esteem. When others praise me, I naturally credit it to all my teachers and parents because without their guidance and nurturing, I’d be nothing. When others criticize me, I still need to improve on my humility, but I’m much better at it than before. Humility has been a multi-year journey for me, and the book Liao Fan’s Four Lessons really helped me here. 3: Hone Good Intentions Another key idea is that intentions are more important than actions. We should practice kindness because it is the kind thing to do, not because we're trying to gain something from them. If we practice kindness with a pure intention, then we will naturally be happy. If we practice kindness with the expectation of a reward, then our intention is not pure, and we will be unhappy. For example, I remember when I had arguments with people in the past, I would listen to them patiently. But I expected them to listen to me patiently in return because I had done it for them, and when they didn't, I got angry, and the conflicts only got worse. Now I know, I should listen to others patiently to make THEM feel assured and good. It's not so that they can help ME feel assured and good later. They don't have that ability if they themselves don't even feel assured and good. I work as a teacher now, and I truly just pass on what I wish I had known when I was younger, and giving with no expectations for anything in return is the greatest feeling. 4: Detachment The first book that got me deep into detachment is Awareness by Anthony De Mello. He explains it similarly to Jay Shetty. He talks about how we are not our things, body, reputation, labels, feelings, or thoughts. All these things come and go. We are the awareness that is capable of observing these things from a distance. For example, if someone criticizes “me”, they are actually criticizing their idea of “me”, not the real me. That idea is false and impermanent. There’s no use in attaching ourselves to it. If I feel good about myself because of my current 18-year-old body, then I’m setting myself up for sadness when my body changes in the future. If I detach from these impermanent things, then I will be carefree and happy because the real me is eternal and unchanging. Later, I got into Buddhism, and a line that really stuck with me is, “Have no requests of people. Have no conflict with the world.” Again, the idea is detachment, specifically detachment from our ego and thoughts. The more a person is able to do this, the freer and happier that person will be. 5: Relationships Something that really stuck with me from the book is that we shouldn’t expect people to return love in the same way that we give it to them. We can make the request in a clear and non-critical way, but we still shouldn’t expect them to do it. For example, in a past relationship, I felt like I did so much of the chores and cooking, and I wanted the other person to give me a break and do everything for once. My intention behind those kind acts became selfish, which brought suffering. Later, I learned about the 5 Love Languages from Jay on a podcast episode: Words of affirmation Quality time Physical touch Gifts Acts of service Image Source I realized that my love language is acts of service, while her love language is words of affirmation and quality time. She was great at setting up dates, which I was not. The first mistake I made was looking for her to return love in the same way I gave her. The second mistake is I should be giving love in the way she wants to receive it. The third mistake is I didn’t notice or appreciate her contribution and strengths because I was caught up in my unrealistic expectations. Another thing that resonated with me is that we shouldn’t expect the other person to complete us. We should go into a romantic relationship being whole ourselves. That way, we can come from a place of giving rather than draining. I reflected on how I relied on my partner to give me emotional reassurance, and that was draining for them, especially when they themselves needed emotional reassurance. We should not rely on others to comfort us. It’s great if they can, but if we expect it from them, then we set up ourselves up for suffering. Only we can complete ourselves. 6: Morning and Evening Routines I totally agree with the importance of taking control of our mornings and evenings. Once the day starts, time flies by, and before you know it, the day is over and you feel like there were so many things you didn’t get to do. By blocking off time in the morning and evening, I created sacred time to help myself snap out of auto-pilot mode and return to the bigger picture of my life. I’ve been doing morning meditations for around half a year now, and it has really helped me be calmer throughout the day. I totally understand what Jay meant by going deep. When I first started meditating, it was 15 minutes a day, and I barely felt any benefits. Later, I had the opportunity to meditate for a whole day multiple times for hours non-stop. During those times, I felt calm and peace in my mind. That helped me stick with the daily meditation practice. In the evenings, I journal before sleep. It’s a good way to help me reflect on whether or not the day was used properly. Doing this short practice keeps me conscious of what’s important in my life so that I spend my time wisely. Conclusion In conclusion, this book offers excellent advice that is highly practical and relevant to our modern society. Jay Shetty is able to validate ancient monk wisdom with modern scientific research to help us live a life with more peace and purpose every day. I give my sincere thanks to Jay for his tireless work to spread wisdom!

Originally published on October 2, 2019 on Medium. Here are my key takeaways from the book The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday. The book is essentially an instruction guide on how to change your attitude and self-talk towards challenges. In doing so, we can take action towards progress and endure towards completion. Here’s a poetic summary of the book from the author: See things for what they are. Do what we can. Endure and bear what we must. What blocked the path now is a path. What once impeded action advances action. The Obstacle is the Way. In this post, I answer four questions. Here is a clickable table of contents: Q1: Why did the author write this book? Q2: What are the main ideas? Perception Action Will Q3: How have I applied this book in my life? Take your problem and pretend it’s happening to someone else. Use contrarian self-talk against panic or fear. Do a pre-mortem for important decisions. Change from “I must do this” to “I get to do this.” Focus on the process Q4: What is my opinion on the book? Q1: Why did the author write this book? The author sees most people getting stuck in the face of obstacles, but some people thriving at every challenge. He wants everyone to thrive in the face of obstacles, so he studied those rare people. He discovered that the difference between the successful and the unsuccessful is not skill but rather the method for dealing with obstacles. Since method is something anyone can learn, he wrote this book to share the method for turning obstacles into advantages. From this book, he hopes his readers will be able to change their thinking towards obstacles from “I don’t like this” or even “This is not so bad” to “I can make this good.” Q2: What are the main ideas from the book? The book is organized into three parts: Perception: Your attitude towards the problem Action: Breaking problems down and turning them into opportunities Will: Cultivating perseverance that can overcome difficulty Part 1: Perception Our perception is how we interpret the objective events of life. It can be a source of strength or a source of weakness. Due to evolution, our brains are wired to focus on dangers and threats. While that may have been useful back in the cavemen days, it isn’t as helpful now. Most of our obstacles aren’t life threatening anymore; instead, they are mental. Therefore, we need to upgrade our brains with new programming to perceive modern obstacles effectively. To do that, we need to learn and practice new self-talk. “You will come across obstacles in life — fair and unfair. And you will discover, time and time again, that what matters most is not what these obstacles are but how we see them, how we react to them, and whether we keep our composure.” –Ryan Holiday When facing obstacles, we need to Be objective Control emotions Have perspective Focus on what can be controlled 1: Be objective Being objective means removing “you” from the picture. Just think about what happens when we give advice to others. Their problems are crystal clear to us. But when we think about our own problems, we carry so much baggage. To be objective, take your situation and pretend it’s not happening to you but rather to someone else. Quickly and dispassionately size up the situation. The more you practice this, better you’ll get. 2: Control emotions Controlling your emotions means not panicking. Panic is the worst enemy because it muddles thinking. To overcome panic, we need to imagine a second self using contrarian questions and statements against the panicking self. Here’s an example given in the book: When you have this kind of conversion with your panicking self, those extreme emotions won’t last long. Another option is to ask a question that Marcus Aurelius asks himself: “Does what happened keep you from acting with justice, generosity, self-control, sanity, prudence, honesty, humility, straight-forwardness?” If not, then get back to work! 3: Have Perspective Having perspective is about reframing the situation and finding the opportunities in your obstacle. If we can do that, obstacles become something we embrace rather than avoid. “The struggle against an obstacle inevitably propels the fighter to a new level of functioning. The extent of the struggle determines the extent of the growth. The obstacle is an advantage, not adversity. The enemy is any perception that prevents us from seeing this.” –Ryan Holiday Let’s look at a common example: A bad boss. The common self-talk is, “This is hell. I’m so unlucky. I’m screwed.” A more effective self-talk would be, “My boss is so bad that I’m willing to quit. If I’m willing to quit, then I have a good reason to reach out to contacts elsewhere and find potentially better opportunities. While I’m looking for a new opportunity, I can experiment with different tactics of trying to get along with this current boss. If things get better, great. If not, I’ll be prepared to move on.” Let’s quickly look at some other examples from the book: You have rival? Great! They keep you alert, motivate you, toughen you, help you appreciate friends, and give you an antilog (a model of whom you don’t want to become). That computer glitch erased your work? Good. Now you’ll be twice as good by doing it again. That business decision turned out to be a mistake? A scientist wouldn’t be upset. He’d be happy that he made progress. You should too. Someone is critical towards you? Good. Lower expectations are easier to exceed. Someone on your team is lazy? Good. That makes our accomplishments seem greater. These re-framings aren’t about begrudgingly accepting a situation to be okay. It’s a complete flip from “I don’t like this” to “I can make this great.” 4: Focus on what can be controlled The most harmful addiction is believing that we can change things outside our control. We should remember and follow the Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” What are the things we can control? Our emotions Our judgments Our creativity Our attitude Our perspective Our desires Our determination What is out of our control? Pretty much everything else. The big ones are other people’s emotions and judgments, as well as disastrous events. Once you can effectively perceive obstacles, your hands will be steadier. The next step is to act with those steady hands. Part 2: Action It’s worth noting again, correct perception is a prerequisite to effective action. Sure, you can complain about your situation and feel bad for yourself. You are human after all. Just don’t take too long. You have to get back to work. No one will save you. Only you can tackle your problems. Even if you’ve started taking action, is your full effort in it? If not, that will show in the results. Putting in your full effort means you: Practice persistence Iterate Follow the process Don’t worry about how you look; Focus on getting the results 1: Practice persistence Being persistent means trying new methods and approaches. For example, Thomas Edison experimented with 6000 filaments before finally finding one that worked. “It’s supposed to be hard. Your first attempts aren’t going to work. It’s going to take a lot out of you — but energy is an asset we can always find more of.” –Ryan Holiday If you are committed to seeing it through, then temporary setbacks aren’t discouraging. They are just bumps along a long road that you intend to travel all the way down. 2: Iterate Often, when people want to try a new solution, they invest heavily in getting everything set up perfectly before testing it. This approach is risky because if it doesn’t work, you’ve wasted a lot of time and resources. In Silicon Valley, people don’t launch a finished product. They iterate fast by launching the Minimum Viable Product (MVP), which is the most basic version of a core idea with one or two essential features. When it fails, they should ask themselves, “What went wrong? What can be improved? What am I missing?” “Failure shows us the way — by showing us what isn’t the way.” –Ryan Holiday That’s why stories of great successes are often preceded by epic failures. Iterating fast helps you feedback faster, and it makes you stronger from failure. 3: Follow the process “The process is about doing the right things, right now. Not worrying about what might happen later, or the results, or the whole picture.” –Ryan Holiday Following the process means focusing on doing the next step rather than thinking about how daunting and long the path is. Doing this keeps our perceptions and actions in sync, and it prevents us from getting distracted or unfocused. 4: Don’t worry about how you look; Focus on getting results We often have an ideal image of how we’ll overcome an obstacle. But life rarely works out like that. And when that happens, we become attached to our imagined method. Don’t worry about the method. Focus on getting the results. “We wrongly assume that moving forward is the only way to progress, the only way we can win. Sometimes, staying put, going sideways, or moving backward is actually the best way to eliminate what blocks or impedes your path.” –Ryan Holiday For example, Martin Luther Kind told his followers to meet physical force with peace. In doing so, they made the enemy seem evil and indefensible. Another example: I heard a story (not from the book) about a woman trying to get her husband to go vegetarian after hearing a talk about how healthy it is. She came home that day and declared she’s going to stop cooking meat for the family. She wanted her family to be healthier, and she was trying to push the solution with brute force. That didn’t work. Her husband just went out more to eat meat. When she talked to her teacher, the teacher told her, “You can’t be so abrasive. You need to help him change slowly. This week, cook 3 types of meat dishes. Next week, 2 types. 1 month later, 1 type. Meanwhile, learn how to cook delicious vegetarian dishes so that he’ll complement your cooking and want more of those dishes. Bring him to dinners with other vegetarians from our class. They’ll inevitably talk about how good the food is. Tell him how important his health is to you, and how these recent studies and book explains why vegetarianism is healthier. Slowly, he’ll voluntarily eat vegetarian without any pushing from you.” She followed his advice and sure enough, the husband naturally ate vegetarian after a couple months. The method wasn’t what she initially envisioned, but she got the results. Part 3: Will Perception is the discipline for the mind. Action is the discipline for the body. Will is the discipline for the heart. Having strong will allows you to endure hardship along your journey. To cultivate will, we need to Anticipate failure Accept what’s outside your control Love everything that happens Persevere Prepare to start again 1: Anticipate failure Things rarely go according to plan, and we rarely get what we think we deserve. Yet people constantly deny these two facts and are shocked by what happens. To not fall into that trap, the Stoics had an exercise called premeditatio malorum. It means premeditation of evils. They meditate on what might go wrong so that they’re not surprised if it happens. In more recent times, psychologist Gary Klein developed a mental exercise called the pre-mortem. In this exercise, you declare that the project failed spectacularly even though the project hasn’t even launched yet. Then you ask your future self, “What went wrong?” The pre-mortem conversation with ourselves may sound something like this: What if…? Then I will… What if…? Instead I’ll just… What if…? No problem, I can always… What if…? It will suck, but I’ll be okay. The worst thing that can happen is not something going wrong. Let’s be honest, that’s inevitable. The worst thing that can happen is something going wrong AND catching you by surprise. That’s because unexpected failure is discouraging and hurts. But doing a pre-mortem makes it less likely that you’ll be surprised, and it’ll give you strength to move on and make use of failure. “The world might call you a pessimist. Who cares? It’s far better to seem like a downer than to be blindsided or caught off guard.” –Ryan Holiday 2: Accept what’s outside your control Life is like driving. There are many things outside our control, like traffic rules. “If someone we know took traffic signals personally, we would judge them insane. Yet this is exactly what life is doing to us. It tells us to come to a stop here. Or that some intersection is blocked or that a particular road has been rerouted through an inconvenient detour. We can’t argue or yell this problem away. We simply accept it. That is not to say we allow it to prevent us from reaching our ultimate destination. But it does change the way we travel to get there and the duration of the trip.” –Ryan Holiday In life, we also have weaknesses. Some people use those weaknesses as an excuse for why they can’t achieve their goal. Others accept their unchangeable weaknesses so that they can fully advance their strengths. For example, Thomas Edison was almost deaf. Helen Keller was deaf and blind. But they accepted their unchangeable weaknesses rather than resenting them, and that allowed them to develop different but powerful senses to adjust to their reality. To prevent ourselves from feeling like the center of the universe and feeling like victims, we can use contrarian self-talk again. Here’s some examples from the book: Lost money? At least you didn’t lose a friend. Lost that job? At least you didn’t lose a limb. Lost your house? You could have lost everything. Once we accept what’s outside our control, we can fully advance what’s in our control. 3: Love everything that happens The next step after acceptance is changing our view from “I must to this” to “I get to do this.” The author uses the example of Jack Johnson, the ascendant black boxing champion in a racist America. The crowd hated him, but he enjoyed each match with a smile. There’s no value in any other reaction. Should he hate the crowd for hating him? What good would that do? Bitterness was their burden and Johnson refused to pick it up. “In your worst moments, picture Johnson: always calm, always in control, genuinely loving the opportunity to prove himself, to perform for people, whether they wanted him to succeed or not. Each remark bringing the response it deserved and no more — letting the opponent dig his own grade. Until the fight ended with Jeffries [the opponent] on the floor and every doubt about Johnson silenced.” –Ryan Holiday The goal is not to tell ourselves, “I’m okay with this. I think I feel good about this.” The goal is to tell ourselves, “I feel great about this. If it was meant to happen, it would’ve happened. And I’m glad that it did when it did. I’m going to make the best out of it.” Then proceed to do exactly that. Remember: We don’t get to choose what happens to us, but we do get to choose how we feel about it. And there’s just no benefit to choosing any other feeling than good. “It’s a little unnatural, I know, to feel gratitude for things we never wanted to happen in the first place, but we know, at this point, the opportunities and benefits that lie within adversities. We know that in overcoming them, we emerge stronger, sharper, empowered.” –Ryan Holiday 4: Persevere Earlier in part 2, we talked about persistence in action. Persistence is being determined to solve the problem in front of you. Perseverance is determination to overcome all obstacles on your path, until the very end. True perseverance can’t be stopped by anything except death. In fact, one of the ways to increase your perseverance is by meditating on your mortality. By thinking about our death, we can gain clarity on our priorities and gain energy to act on them. Another way to increase perseverance is to focus on something bigger than ourselves. When we focus on helping others, our fears and troubles diminish. If you can’t solve this problem, ask yourself, “How can I at least make this better for other people?” Remember that what lays ahead of obstacles is more obstacles. We must always persevere. “Life is not about one obstacle, but many. What’s required of us is not some short-sighted focus on a single facet of a problem, but simply a determination that we will get to where we need to go, somehow, someway, and nothing will stop us.” –Ryan Holiday 5: Prepare to Start Again “Just when you think you’ve successfully navigated one obstacle, another emerges. But that’s what keeps life interesting. And as you’re starting to see, that ‘s what creates opportunities.” –Ryan Holiday When we know how to deal with obstacles, we can see the opportunities in them and improve because of them. We no longer are afraid of them, but instead we are excited and cheerfully anticipating the next round. Q3: How have I applied this book in my life? I’ve applied 5 big ideas from the book into my own life: Take your problem and pretend it’s happening to someone else. Use contrarian self-talk against panic or fear. Do a pre-mortem for important decisions. Change from “I must do this” to “I get to do this.” Focus on the process 1: Take your problem and pretend it’s happening to someone else. Recently, I got a new member on my team who doesn’t seem to get along with me very well. It’s not that we don’t get along, but just not as well as other people. To figure out why, I compared our values, tendency, and Myers-Brigg. Logically, I could see why we didn’t get along as well as with others. First, we have different values about work and conscientiousness. Second, he naturally resists other people’s expectations while I expect people to quickly meet expectations so long as they’re justified. Third, I’m focusing on team harmony, which is not a natural focus for his personality. And fourth, we just have different interests. Basically, it was clear on paper that two people with our traits aren’t super compatible. In my head, I told myself that I want to build a good team culture, where everyone gets along with each other. The fact that one person was resisting my efforts, even though I explained my intent, was frustrating. So I went outside my head and imagined if my colleague was having my problem, what would I tell him? Well, I would say, “Don’t try to change what’s outside your control. You can’t change the way he is. If he doesn’t care about getting along with the team, then you should respect that to have harmony with him. Besides, the more you push him to do something, the more he’ll resist. That’s just his nature. Just let him be and treat him the way he wants to be treated, not the way you want to be treated.” Then I proceeded to follow that advice. Doing this mental exercise really gave me clarity on what I should do. 2 Use contrarian self-talk against panic and fear. Recently, one of my managers criticized me in writing, and I thought the criticism was unfair. My heart rate went up, palms got a little sweaty. I needed to calm down and control my emotions before replying. So I attempted contrarian self-talk. This is kind of unfair. Sure. But is it pretty common that employees get unfairly criticized by managers? Probably. Has this person complained or exaggerated about other people? Yes. So should you be taking this too seriously? I guess not. Is doing what he asks of you even a big deal? Or are you just having a big ego right now? No it’s not a big deal. I guess trying to explain myself is just having a big ego. Then don’t bother trying to argue or explain yourself. Just accept it and do what he asks. Okay. Side note: Having this second-self using contrarian questions and statements against the panicking-self reminds me of Ray Dalio’s book, Principles, saying we have a primitive brain and a rational brain. The panicking self is the primitive brain, wired to see danger and threats. The second-self is the rational brain. 3: Do a pre-mortem for important decisions. In the near future, I’ll be leaving my job and looking for a new one. So that’s a perfect reason for me to do a pre-mortem contemplation: What if I don’t find a job quickly? Then I’ll be patient in making sure I find a suitable job rather than any job. Good idea. What if other people judge you and worry about you for not finding a job quickly? Then I’ll practice calmness and emphasize that I’m focusing on the long-term by looking for a suitable job. Besides, letting their worry seep into me is not going to help anybody. True. What if you can’t find a suitable job? Then I’ll lower my expectations. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I’ll still be okay. And I can pursue my passion projects during my spare time. Okay fair point. 4: Change from “I must do this” to “I get to do this”. I’m a teacher, and this semester, I’ve had to cover classes for other teachers. My initial reaction was “Ugh. I have to cover. That takes away time and energy for me to do my own job and handle my own courses. And I even have to develop lessons for a course that I’m not going to be teaching.” To change my mindset towards “I get to do this”, which is kind of hard actually, I had to use that contrarian voice again. I don’t like covering. Does anyone like covering? Probably not. Are you the only one covering? No. Some people have even more covering than me. Do you like the classes that you’re covering? Yeah, the students are good. Does everyone like the classes that they’re covering? No some teachers have much more difficult classes. So you’re rather lucky then. True. Do you gain anything useful from covering? Well, I met a cool teacher. And even though I’m doing extra work that someone else should be doing, at least I know it’ll be helpful to the students. So can you bring that positive energy at attitude to this task of covering? Yes. Like the author says, it does feel unnatural, but it’s certainly more helpful than complaining and feeling like a victim. 5: Focus on the process. Let’s just use writing this blog post as an example. When I think about organizing and synthesizing all my notes on a book into a concise and useful blog post, it’s a big task in my head. It usually takes one to two days of focused effort. Focusing on the process means I stop thinking about how daunting the road is and just start walking. First, open Evernote. Then, open the note with my book notes. Then, open Word. Then, put in the headings. Then start writing the introduction. Etc. To help myself stay focused, I’ll often listen to the same song or playlist on repeat. If I my mind ever starts losing focus, it’ll usually notice the song, and the song serves as a reminder to get back to work. Eventually, I’ll be done my first draft, and it’ll feel like time passed so quickly. That’s my experience of focusing on the process. Side note: Focusing on the process reminds me of what David Allen calls next actions, as in, what is the very next action you need to take towards a goal? Get clear and that, and then go do it. Usually, the next action is very small, like sitting down on your chair, then opening the files, then writing the first sentence, then finishing the introduction, etc. It’s very process-focused. Q4: What is my opinion of the book? Would I recommend this book? Yes. It can make you aware of your crippling self-talk and give you a new pattern of self-talk that’s empowering. I’m someone who enjoys practicality and logic, so I enjoyed this book because each chapter was short, practical, and logical. After recently reading Principles by Ray Dalio, I’ve started to view people as machines with a computer program. Essentially, we’ve all been unconsciously given a program by our biology and our upbringing, but most of us never stop to question the effectiveness of that program. This book gave me a new program to run when facing challenges. My inherited program was to dislike and avoid dealing with challenges. This new program says to anticipate challenges, be persistent and flexible in dealing with them, accept the things outside your control so you can focus on finding solutions, and love everything that happens to you because there’s no better reaction. Transitioning from the old program to a new one will take effort and practice, like working out or developing any new habit, but the rewards are certainly worth it. Many thanks to Ryan Holiday for the great book!

Image Source: Unsplash Fan Zhong Yan (范仲淹) was a famous duke in the Song Dynasty. He named his eldest son Fan Chun Ren (范纯仁), which literally means “pure benevolence”. From a young age, the son strived to live true to the name his father gave him. One time, his father asked him to transport 500 pecks of grain from the capital city back to their hometown in Jiangsu via boat. During his trip, he encountered his father’s long-time good friend. While catching up, the man told him about his family situation. His daughter still had not married yet, and the family’s living situation is quite tough. Furthermore, his parents recently died, and he doesn’t have the money to give them a proper funeral. After hearing this, Fan Chun Ren immediately decided to go sell the 500 pecks of grain and give the money to his father’s friend. The friend was very grateful, but it was still not enough for his needs. Fan Chun Ren wanted to help thoroughly, so he then sold the boat. After that, the money was enough. After this event, Fan Chun Ren returned to the capital city and sat down with his father to report on his journey. He described how he had encountered his father’s long-time friend mid-journey, and how that friend’s economic situation was tough, and he didn’t have the money to give his recently passed parents a proper funeral. He explained how he sold the 500 pecks of grains, but the money still wasn’t enough. At that point, the father said, “Well then, you should have sold the boat!” The son replied, “Father, I did sell the boat.” They both smiled at their unspoken connection. The son had indeed lived true to his name.

Image Source: Unsplash During the Spring Autumn period in China, the Country of Jin had a minister named Zhao Xuan Zi (赵宣子). The king at that time was Jin Ling Gong (晋灵公), who was still young, immature, and disobedient. King Jin did not take good care of the country’s citizens. Zhao was a caring and loyal minister who often admonished King Jin with directness and honesty. King Jin got upset and decided to send an assassin named Chu Ni (鉏麑), who was a highly skilled fighter, to kill Zhao in secret. Chu went to Zhao’s home before dawn, planning to kill him in his sleep. He sneaked into his house, and when he went to Zhao’s room, he noticed the room door was already wide open. He peeked inside and saw that Zhao was already up, dressed extremely respectfully, sitting elegantly in front of his table. At a glance, Chu understood that Zhao had gotten up extremely early to prepare state affairs for the imperial meeting later. Since he was already ready, Zhao sat there resting with his eyes closed. Zhao’s dignified and awe-inspiring manner moved Chu deeply, and he couldn’t bear to assassinate him. He retreated outside the house. He thought about the situation and said to himself, “If Zhao Xuan Zi is so respectful and dignified even when no one is around, then he must deal with all people and matters with the utmost respect, humility, and carefulness. To have such a person as our minister is a blessing for the country. How can I kill this man? To do some would be unfaithful to my country.” But since King Jin personally ordered Chu to assassinate Zhao, if Chu returned without completing the task, then he would surely be punished for not keeping his word to the king. He would rather have control over his death than be killed by the King. Hence, Chu banged his head against a tree and killed himself.

Image Source: Unsplash Once upon a time, three criminals were sent to jail for three years each. The prison guard felt pity for them, so he asked them, “Since you’re going to be here for three years, is there any one thing I can provide you to make your time here better?” The first man asked for cigarettes. The second man asked for a woman. The third man asked for a telephone. The jail guard gave each man what they asked for and then shut their doors. After three years, the prison guard went to open their doors. When the guard opened the door to the first prisoner’s room, the prisoner rushed out saying, “Where’s my lighter? You didn’t give me a lighter!” For those three years, all this prisoner thought about was how he couldn’t smoke his cigarettes. The guard felt sorry for this man’s being a slave to his bad habits. When the guard opened the door to the second prisoner’s room, no one came out, but he heard the sound of crying babies. The prison guard felt ever more pity for this man. Before, he only had himself; but now, he has a family that he cannot take care of, so even more people have to suffer. When the guard opened the door to the third prisoner’s room, the man walked out proudly and said, “Thank you for the phone. I used the phone to keep connected to the outer world. I learned from my wrongdoings, and I will improve. I even made some investments in preparation of my exit.” The guard was very happy for this man.