Last time, we looked at the story of how Yanzi saved a stableman from death. This time, we'll look at another similar story. Around 2500 years ago, during the Spring and Autumn period of China's history, Duke Jing was the ruler of the State of Qi, and Yanzi was one of his trusted ministers. Duke Jing loved drinking alcohol, and one time, he drank so much that he fell into a coma for three whole days. When the Duke finally rose from bed, Yanzi came to see him. (Pause: If you were Yanzi, what would you say to the Duke?) Yanzi first bowed respectfully, then asked, "Your Grace is finally awake! How are you feeling? It seems last time the alcohol was too much for your body to handle?" The Duke sighed, "Yes. It seems so." Yanzi gently replied, “In ancient times, wine was not for excess. It was only to honor guests and strengthen bonds between friends. Men did not gather too often to drink, for it harmed their farming. Women did not feast too often, for it harmed their weaving. Even when they did gather, wine was never passed more than five rounds. Beyond that, punishment followed. But now, Your Grace drinks for one day and lies insensible for three. State affairs are abandoned, and your attendants grow corrupt. Those who once refrained from evil for fear of punishment now dare to act. Those who once did good in hope of reward lose heart. When a ruler strays from virtue, the people no longer respect reward or punishment. And when both virtue and justice are lost, the very foundation of the state collapses. I beg Your Grace: restrain your desire, lead by example, and guide the people with virtue!” Image Source: Gemini Seeing Yanzi's sincere devotion and the truth of his words, the Duke nodded. For a period of time, he restrained himself. But before long, wine called to him again. This time, he drank for seven days and seven nights without break. One of his ministers, Hong Zhang, could no longer bear it. He stepped before the Duke and declared, “Your Grace has drunk for seven days! Please stop at once. If you will not, then grant me death instead!” The Duke’s face darkened. To obey Hong Zhang seemed like weakness; to kill him felt too cruel. Unsure, he held his anger back. At that very moment, Yanzi entered. The Duke turned to him and said, “Hong Zhang dares to say, ‘Stop drinking or grant me death!’ If I listen, it seems I am ruled by my minister. But if I refuse and put him to death, my heart cannot bear it. What should I do?” (Pause. If you were Yanzi, how would you respond?) Yanzi bowed to the Duke, and then said, “Hong Zhang is fortunate indeed to serve under a ruler like you. Had he spoken like this to tyrant kings like Xia Jie or Shang Zhou, he would surely be dead already." Image Source: Gemini The Duke was startled. He realized that his every choice would influence his reputation for all of history, whether he would be praised as a good ruler or condemned as a tyrant. He also felt a little ashamed that Yanzi was saying he's a good ruler when he almost killed a loyal minister out of ego. He wanted to live up to Yanzi's praise, so he spared Hong Zhang. Thanks to the two loyal ministers, he also resolved to give up wine. (Story Source) Commentary This story has many perspectives that we can reflect on and learn from. Duke Jing's Role From Duke Jing's role, we can reflect on how harmful alcohol is. Like Yanzi said, it must be consumed with moderation for the purpose of strengthening bonds, not to be indulged in. If we are not careful and drink too much, we may lose our sense of rationality and end up doing terrible things that we regret deeply later. Alcohol isn't the only thing that harms our virtues. Any addiction is harmful. Thus, if we have bad addictions, it's important to overcome them as soon as possible to prevent them from harming ourselves and the people around us further. We also see the importance of having good friends and colleagues who advise us on what's right when we need it. The reason Duke Jing was able to have such devoted ministers must be a result of his humility and willingness to listen to advice. If we want to have good advisors in our life, we also need to cultivate our humility. Yanzi's Role From Yanzi, we should learn from how he was very considerate and upright in advising Duke Jing. He didn't scold the Duke out of anger, nor did he shy away from saying what needed to be said. He first showed consideration for the Duke's health and feelings. Before advising, he also gave a bow to show his respect. When he advised, he first talked about the impact the Duke's actions are having on the state, which shows that he is thinking for the greater good. He then says "I beg Your Grace", which reflects his humility and respect. He didn't say "You must quit drinking", as if he is in a higher position and able to order the Duke. In this way, the Duke felt respected, so he was able to accept all the rationale that Yanzi gave and did not argue back. When the Duke later drank for seven days, Yanzi didn't get upset and say, "Didn't you say last time that you would quit drinking? What's wrong with you! You're such a liar!" Such words would probably upset the drunken Duke and get him into deep trouble or danger. Instead, Yanzi praised the Duke, saying that he must be a good ruler because if he were a bad ruler, he would have sentenced Hong Zhang to death already. This reflects Yanzi's big heart. He is always looking for ways to help his ruler become virtuous and govern the people well. His sincere devotion would surely touch Duke Jing's heart, and the Duke would be self-motivated to improve himself to be worthy of Yanzi's faith in him. Hong Zhang's Role From Hong Zhang, we can learn from his uprightness. I think he probably urged the Duke politely to stop drinking many times during the course of seven days, but the Duke never listened. By the seventh day, Hong Zhang was truly worried for the Duke and the citizens, and he was willing to give up his life in order to shake the Duke awake. His selfless intention is very admirable, and it's not something most people can do. We can't say that his decision and actions were wrong per se. Perhaps if Yanzi wasn't there, and the Duke truly killed him, the Duke might understand Hong Zhang later and have the motivation to reform. In that case, Hong Zhang would have great merit. But it's also possible that the Duke would get a bad reputation for killing a loyal minister out of ego, and then the other ministers and citizens would lose trust in him, and other dukes of other states would look down on him. Duke Jing would then feel terrible about himself and degrade as a leader. Thus, it's very important to act with a calm mind and to weigh the pros and cons of all possibilities. If Hong Zhang acted out of anger towards the Duke, then he might not have thought about the negative consequences that his death might have. If he acted out of a calm mind with a kind intention for the Duke, then he might have already weighed the possibilities and decided that it's worth the risk. I wonder what Yanzi would have done. I think one principle Yanzi would grasp is that we need to wait for the right time to advise. When the Duke is drunk, his sense of judgment and rationality is muddled. That's not a good time to rationalize with the Duke. That's probably why Yanzi waited until the Duke sobered up before advising last time. If he really wanted to try to shock the Duke awake, maybe he might blame himself for being a bad minister, unable to help his Duke overcome addiction to alcohol, and then plead the Duke to punish him. These are just my speculations. Concluding Thoughts When learning such historic stories, we need to learn from each person's mistakes and prevent them in our lives. We also need to learn from each person's strengths and emulate them. Do we have any addictions like Duke Jing that we ought to overcome? Are we humble and willing to accept advice like Duke Jing? Are we considerate, upright, and timely in advising like Yanzi? Are we always seeking to help others grow their virtues like Yanzi? Do we get a bit hot-headed and act on a whim like Hong Zhang? Or can we maintain our calm in triggering situations and weigh the pros and cons of all possibilities? Weekly Wisdom #402

There's a proverb that goes, "It takes two to argue."   Put in another way, one person can start an argument, but it takes two to keep that argument going. This is useful advice for whenever we get upset at someone and argue with them. Image Source   Recently, I've been teaching summer school to kids around 10 years old, and an incident reminded me of this proverb. One student named Albert came into class late and saw two plastic water bottles on his table. He said, "These aren't mine,"  and then put one water bottle on his neighbor Leon's desk. Leon replied, "This isn't mine either,"  and put it back on Albert's desk. Albert then put the water bottle back on Leon's desk, and they started fighting. I was talking to the class at the time, and when I saw them suddenly making a commotion out of nowhere, I stopped the class and asked them what's wrong.   Albert told me "There are two water bottles here on my desk, but none of them are mine, so I put one on Leon's desk."  Leon said, "They're not mine either, so I put it back on his desk, and then he kept trying to put one back on my desk."   I said, "OK everyone, this is a great chance to practice conflict resolution. We'll all encounter weird problems and unexpected misunderstandings in life, so we need to know how to handle them. Firstly, it's important to keep calm and understand the other person's perspective. So Albert, if these are not your water bottles, why did you want to put one on Leon's desk? Did you ask him if it's his?"   Albert said, "No. I just don't think I should have two water bottles on my desk when they're not even mine, so I put one on Leon's desk."   Leon said, "What kind of logic is that!"   I said, "OK Leon, you're very logical, then why would you keep putting the water bottle back on Albert's desk? Leon, Albert, do you think there's a better way to handle the situation?"   They remained silent.   I said, "If it's not your water bottles and none of you want them on your desk, why don't you just raise your hand and tell the teacher? The teacher can take the water bottles away. Or just put it in your desk for now, and during break time, you can throw them out."   They said, "Oh."   I said, "Remember, if you get into a conflict with someone, you're the same level of maturity and intelligence as them. If even one person is calm enough and wise enough, a conflict cannot happen. We shouldn't hope for others to be the mature one, so our best bet is to be that mature person ourselves. So when we encounter conflict, it's important to keep calm and focus on solving the problem as opposed to trying to defeat the other person."   Although we might chuckle at the kids for being so immature, the truth of the matter is, we adults are often not mature enough either. For example, if someone misunderstands us and criticizes us unfairly, do the flames of anger flair up in us? Do we think, "How dare they! That’s so unfair!"  Or do we think, "Hmm I wonder what I did to make them misunderstand me? Well, he can try to have conflict with me, but I'm not going to have conflict with him."   Another time in class, I was waiting to start class, but many kids were talking loudly. I then said, "If you keep talking, I will ask you to leave the class."  Then some students said, "Oh me! I want to leave the class!" I then felt a flair of anger and said, "Out. Now."   I later reflected, that was quite dumb of me. Why did I do that? It's because I got angry and impatient towards the kids, and that negative emotion blocked my wisdom. I was subconsciously thinking, "You rude and entitled brats! If you don't appreciate being in my class, then leave." But getting them to leave helps no one, and it's actually my job to keep them in my class and teach them, so I had to go out, talk to them, and get them to come back in.   If I were more calm and wise, I could've brought out some treats and said, "Wow I see this student is sitting very quietly waiting for class to begin. Such a good role model! Here's a treat for you."  If there are still students talking loudly, I could say, "Oh I hear this student is still being loud and not listening to the teacher. I guess I will deduct their hard-earned points then. What a shame." The point is, there are much more effective solutions than getting angry and making them leave the classroom, but I have to have the cultivation to remain calm in order to think of such solutions.   Concluding Thoughts When was the last time you had a conflict with someone? How could you have handled it differently to prevent or diffuse the conflict? Weekly Wisdom #356

Society is founded on interpersonal relationships, and our etiquette is reflected in every interpersonal If we have good etiquette, we would naturally have good relationships with others and be welcomed by Ultimately, when we have good etiquette, we will naturally have good relationships and be welcomed by Moreover, good relationships are a big source of happiness, while relationship conflicts are a major

When Einstein was 16 years old, he often skipped school and played with a group of troublemaker friends. As a result, he failed many classes. One weekend morning, Einstein was about to go fishing with his friends, but his father stopped him. His father calmly said to him, “Einstein, you’re out playing all day with your friends, and you’re failing school. Your mother and I are quite concerned for your future.”   Einstein replied, “What’s there to worry about? Jack and Robert are also failing school, and they’re still going fishing.”   His father looked at him with love and concern and said, “Son, you can’t think that way. Let me tell you a well-known fable from my hometown. I hope you’ll listen carefully." Image Source: Wix AI His father then told this fable: Two cats were playing on the roof of a house. One cat grabbed the other cat and they both accidentally fell into the chimney. When they crawled out, one cat’s face was covered in ashes, while the other cat’s face was clean. The clean cat saw the other cat’s face was all black, and he thought his face was the same, so he rushed to the river to clean himself. The dirty cat saw the other cat was clean, and he thought he was also clean, so he went on with his day and strutted along the street. Image Source: ChatGPT Einstein, no one can be your mirror, only you can be your mirror. If we take others to be our mirror, then perhaps a genius will think he’s a fool.” After hearing this story, Einstein felt ashamed, put down his fishing rod, and returned to his room. From then on, Einstein often reflected on himself and encouraged himself: “I don’t want to be like ordinary people. I can be extraordinary.” This is one reason why Einstein became the legend that he is. Commentary Jim Rohn said, “You are the average of the five people you spend most time with.” In other words, we should be very thoughtful and selective about who we spend our time with because we will inevitably get influenced by them. Einstein’s dad knew this, so he admonished his son to rethink his peer group. Although his dad said “no one can be your mirror” , we have to be careful about how to interpret this statement. The way I interpret it, it is not saying that the people we spend time with don’t reflect the type of person we are. On the contrary, the people we spend time with are a great indicator of the type of person we are. As the saying goes, “Birds of a feather flock together.” When Einstein was young, he spent most of his time with troublemakers, and so he also became a troublemaker. When he stopped spending time with them and started taking his studies seriously, his future changed. So I interpret Einstein’s dad’s message to be “Don’t assume you are the same as the people around you. You don’t have to follow the herd. You can be extraordinary, but you have to consciously choose to be.” And so it is the same with each and every one of us. If we don’t want to blindly follow the herd, then we have to be clear on what we want. If we thoughtfully choose to follow the herd on certain matters, that’s fine too. The point is that we should live our lives consciously rather than drifting along mindlessly. Another learning from this story is Einstein’s dad’s effective admonishment. When others don’t do what we want them to do, a lot of people will nag, complain, and criticize. The energy we give is the energy we’ll attract back , and those behaviors will attract defensiveness and opposition from the other person. If the other person has lower power than us, such as our children or subordinate, then they have no choice but to obey. However, they are accumulating resentment in their heart, and if that continues, eventually they will lash back in the future. If the other person has the same level of power as us, such as our spouse or colleague, then they will feel disrespected, and they will argue with us because they are unhappy at our disrespect towards them. In this type of argument, the matters never end. It seems like you’re going around in circles, never able to solve the problem straight on. Or new matters keep coming up before old matters are resolved. These are all signs that the deeper problem is a lack of respect. As soon as one person can respect the other person first, by apologizing and acknowledging your own faults, the conflict can be resolved. Effective admonishment requires us to truly care for the other person’s feelings, to not be demanding or controlling, and to not be impatient for them to change. Einstein’s dad was very considerate towards Einstein, and I would guess he knew that teenagers (and all people in general) don’t like to be nagged at or told that they are wrong. That’s why he thought of a story to deliver his advice, and the advice is full of respect and positive energy. Einstein was touched by his dad’s love for him, and so he was inspired to change. Conclusion Who are you using as your mirror? Are you choosing your mirrors (influences) thoughtfully? When advising or requesting others to change, are you doing it with sincere care, or are you mixing in annoyance, impatience, and blame? Weekly Wisdom #333

2025 has just finished, and like many people, I am reflecting on my major learnings from the past year. In 2025, I had four major learnings: Propriety/Etiquette Attachment and Letting Go Be an actor not a reactor Meditation is worth it   Image created via Canva 1: Propriety/Etiquette Most people are familiar with the term "etiquette", but less are familiar with the term "propriety". Etiquette refers to the rules of polite behavior, such as saying "please" and "thank you", holding the door open for others, not interrupting others, etc. Propriety is a broader term that not only includes the matters of etiquette, but also the state of being appropriate or suitable. For example, when giving a gift, we have to make sure the timing and value of the gift are appropriate. Therefore, I prefer the term "propriety" over "etiquette".   Confucius once said, "If one does not learn propriety, one will not be able to establish oneself in society."   After all, no one likes a rude and selfish person. We live in an interdependent society, so if someone is disliked by lots of people, they won't be able to establish a footing for themselves in society. One could argue that propriety is the foundation of Confucianism.   All the ancient philosophers teach us to cultivate virtues like kindness and respect. These are principles, but principles need to be integrated with matters, and the rules of etiquette are the starting point. We can cultivate our kindness and respect by practicing etiquette such as When others are talking to us, look at them with full attention. Aim to arrive 10 minutes early. You'll never know if you'll get delayed, and arriving late seems like you don't respect other people's time. If others are late, tell them "It's no rush. Take your time." When sneezing, sneeze into your elbow, not hands, and say excuse me. Don't speak loudly in quiet places. Don't disturb others when they're busy or in a bad mood. Knock before entering someone else's room. Respect other people's space. When people call you or message you, try to respond promptly. Don't make others wait too long. When standing or talking with others, don't block doors or paths. When walking in a crowded place, don't stare at your phone because you'll walk slowly and block other people.   These are just a few examples, and I listed many more in my previous post on etiquette . These matters are extremely common in daily life, so practicing etiquette is key to cultivating our virtues.   I also wrote quite a few stories on Yanzi, who was a master of propriety and highly respected by Confucius. How Yanzi Made His Ruler Look Good How Yanzi Diffused His Ruler's Anger How Yanzi Graciously Refused His Ruler How Yanzi Humiliated His Humiliator   Also, in the later half of 2025, I started translating a Chinese text called 常禮舉要 or The Essentials on Common Propriety . I have finished translating the text, but I am still studying a lecture series on the text, and I plan to write some articles on it in the future.   2: Attachment and Letting Go The concept of attachment and letting go is absolutely critical and foundation to Buddhism, and it took me many years to understand the concept well enough to be able to communicate it in a blog article. If we want to be at peace, relaxed, and wise like the Buddha, we need to let go of attachments.   Basically, attachment is a strong desire for anything, such that if we can't get it, we become unhappy. Attachment includes a strong desire to not have something as well. Attachment is analogous to gripping tightly onto something. It causes our mind to be tense and stressed. Letting go is to loosen that grip. You can still hold the thing if needed, but you're also willing to let it go if needed. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3   Understanding the concept of letting go is much easier than actually practicing it. For example, think of a food or person or matter that you really dislike. Can you make yourself not mind it? Or think of something that you really want. Can you make yourself not mind if you cannot get it? If so, then you've made yourself impervious to suffering, just like the Buddha!   In my article on Attachment and Letting Go , I explained five ways to help us practice letting go: See the truth Control the controllables and let go of the rest Embrace reality Practice selflessness Understand karma and accord with the conditions   Since I already explained in that article, I won't repeat here. What I will say is that detachment is like a muscle. The more we practice it, the better we become, and the rewards are very worthwhile.   3: Be an actor not a reactor This concept is core in the genre of western self-development. To quote Dr. Alan Zimmerman: "It's not so much what happens to you that matters. It's how you're conditioned to respond that makes all the difference."   I remember when I was a teenager, I read the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People , and the first habit is "be proactive", which is basically the same idea as "be an actor not a reactor".   Image Source: GPT This past year, I took a short workshop on this topic, and I shared my learnings in a series of blog posts: Be An Actor Not A Reactor Part 1: Inconveniences Be An Actor Not A Reactor Part 2: Negative People Be An Actor Not A Reactor Part 3: Negative Expectations Be An Actor Not A Reactor Part 4: Adversity   One of the stories that really stuck with me was how Dr. Zimmerman would tell her negative daughter in the morning, "Shelly! Something good is going to happen to you! Tell me what it is later." As time progressed, Shelly slowly started noticing the good things in her day, and she became more positive. As a teacher at school, I tried this with a negative student as well, and I noticed that his ability to notice good things has also improved after a couple months.   Another idea that I am still working on is to not catch other people's negative energy. Dr. Zimmerman says: "Perhaps there's someone that just really irks you. Rather than continue getting irked by them all the time, why not go to the bookstore and buy a book on coping with difficult people? Why not practice on them? You've got nothing to lose. An actor takes productive action, while a reactor merely complains." I already read books and took classes on dealing with difficult people, and I just need to keep practicing.   4: Meditation is worth it My first article of 2025 was Meditation is Worth It . In that article, I talked about how meditation is analogous to sharpening a tool (which allows us to do things better) or cleaning a mirror (which allows us to see better). Since we use the mind for everything, meditation improves our lives from the root.   There's a Zen saying that goes, “You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes a day. Unless you're too busy, then you should sit for an hour.”   When it comes to Zen sayings, it's important to not get stuck on the words and instead comprehend the meaning behind it. In this case, it's saying that if you are so busy that you cannot set aside 20 minutes to calm down and relax, then chances are, your mind is extremely agitated and messy, in which case you'd need to spend a lot more time "cleaning" and meditating to return to a state of peace and calm.   Image Source: GPT I have persisted with daily visualization and mantra meditation for over a year now. My visualization meditation helps me to have more vigilance towards matters that would normally upset me, so I don't get upset as often or as strongly.   My meditation in the morning helps me to see how calm my state of mind is that day. If there are a lot of wandering thoughts, I try to meditate for longer if possible since the goal is to calm the mind and bring that calmness into the rest of my day. As a bonus, I will sometimes remember important things or have insightful ideas during meditation (not on purpose; it just pops up).   Usually, I do 30 minutes of visualization and 10 minutes of mantra meditation. I've noticed that I've become a lot better at staying calm and focused for the 10 minutes of mantra meditation. I remember in the past, when I first started doing mantra meditation, a 30 minute session felt so long because my mind was full of wandering thoughts. Recently, when I tried 20 minutes and then 30 minutes, I noticed that it's a lot easier for me to stay focused for those longer durations. It's quite a delightful feeling to be able to control the mind rather than being dragged in all different directions by wandering thoughts.   Conclusion 2025 seemed to be a year of attending to the foundation, whether that be propriety (foundation of Confucianism), detachment (foundation of Buddhism), or mindset (foundation of western self-development). When the foundation is strong, everything else can flourish. I am still building my foundation, so I need to keep working hard in 2026! Weekly Wisdom #375

I'm back at my grandma's place in China again for a short visit, and of course, my grandma is always telling me to eat more even though I'm already full. But this time, I had a different challenge. I got sick.   It's very hot here, and the room I'm sleeping in only has a fan, not AC, so I got heatstroke, which involves throwing up, diarrhea, and feelings of dizziness and weakness. My grandma said that she's lived here for decades, so she's used to this heat in the summer, but I lived most of my life in Toronto, where the summers are cooler and there's AC, so that’s why I got heatstroke.   Anyway, after I threw up, I really did not have an appetite to eat anything for breakfast except a packet of instant oatmeal. My grandma brought me a watermelon and said, "This will make you feel better!"   I told her, "Watermelon is very cooling, and my stomach is too weak to handle that right now."     She replied, "No, watermelon is good for heatstroke!"   I said, "It can help to prevent heatstroke by cooling you down, but I'm not hot right now; I feel nauseous, so I don't want to eat it."   She then brought me canned "eight treasure porridge" and said, "How about this?"   I said, "That canned porridge is too sweet and thick. I just want to eat some light oatmeal." My grandma got impatient with me and said, "How are you going to recover if you don't eat anything? This eight treasure porridge is very nutritious!"   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 I think in the past, I might've gotten annoyed and said, "I'm sick and I just threw up. Can I just have a break from eating until I feel better?"   But I understand that my grandma has good intentions, and that her personality tends to get angry and impatient easily. Also, my mentor told me before that when people get old, they tend to become like children. In other words, they seem to make unreasonable requests and make a big fuss about things unnecessarily. It's a common phenomenon, so I shouldn't get annoyed at my grandma.   I told my grandma, "I already ate some oatmeal, and I want to rest. I think rest is the best way for me to recover. I can eat more later when I feel better."   In this way, I show that I have the same goal as my grandma, which is to recover ASAP, and I didn't reject her suggestion, I'm just putting it off until later.   Later at lunch, my grandma made some porridge with red bean and black rice for me. I told her,  "My stomach still feels very weak, and I just want to eat some easy to digest instant oatmeal."   She got upset and said, "Oatmeal again? You're lacking nutrients, so you recover slowly. You need to eat more nutritious food!"   I then reflected on my intentions. Am I being overly stubborn? Well, I still felt an urge to puke, and if I puke after drinking her porridge, she might feel bad, so I don't want to take that risk. Hence, I told my grandma, "I'm feeling a bit better than before, but not good enough yet. I think eating light is helpful. I might be able to eat some of your porridge for dinner."   My grandma then said, "You want something light, right? OK I'll go make white rice for you."   I said, "It's OK, just some oatmeal is enough."   She still made the rice for me and told me to eat some, telling me that it's important to eat more if I want to recover faster. At that point, I really did not have an appetite, but I decided that it's time I yield a bit, so I ate a little bit of rice and then said, "This rice is very bland and nice, but I want to go rest now. Maybe I can eat more for dinner."   In the afternoon, she came into my room and gave me a bamboo mat. She said, "I realized your bed doesn't have this bamboo mat, so it's very hot for you when you sleep. I just went outside and bought this for you."   Image Source I was quite touched. My grandma is very old and frail, but she went out of her way to buy this big bamboo mat and carry it home for me. It reminded me that even if she gets a bit angry unnecessarily sometimes, she always has my intentions at heart.   For most of the day, I laid in bed and also ate some medicine that my dad got for me. By dinner time, I indeed felt much better. I then took initiative to go heat up some of that red bean porridge and drink it in front of my grandma. I got mostly soup and very little beans, but then my grandma said I need to eat more and added more beans into my bowl. I didn't argue. She also got some tofu soup for me, and I ate a bit of that. It was rather salty, but I still drank it.   She emphasized to me again that I need to eat a wider variety of foods (because I'm vegan) if I want to get enough nutrients and have a good immune system. I understood her good intentions, and that she probably worried about my health since I got sick, so I didn't bother to debate with her about why I choose to be vegan or that my diet is not related to me getting heatstroke. Instead, I simply thanked her for her care and advice. By the next day, I was pretty much back to normal.   My grandma also told me to not come here again in the summer because it's too hot, but I didn't take her words to heart. I remember my mentor said that when people have extreme emotions, they tend to say things that they don't really mean. For example, in a state of great joy, people might make big promises that they can't keep; in a state of extreme anger, people might say things that they later deeply regret. Taking others' emotional words to heart is not only bad judgment on our part, it's also creating trouble for ourselves. In my grandma's case, I think she felt bad that I got heatstroke during my visit, and in that negative emotional state, she said to not come back in the summer. But objectively speaking, we had a lot of good times during my visit, and the good exceeded the bad. Moreover, we found ways to overcome the heat problem, such as using the bamboo mat and improving the air circulation, so I didn't get heatstroke again afterwards. Overall, it was quite an unexpected challenge to get heatstroke at my grandma's place, but it wasn't necessarily a bad thing. I think it's common for people to have a bad temper when they're sick and uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean it's fair to the people around us. I've been short tempered towards others in the past while sick, so I'm glad that this time, I was able to maintain a peaceful temperament and make my grandma feel respected despite not following her every wish. Weekly Wisdom #351

Moreover, we should be building the relationship and helping them in regular daily life without any ulterior Every act of kindness and service we do for others is like accumulating trust dollars in that relationship not they listen to us in that conversation depends largely on all the past effort we’ve put into the relationship Conclusion Giving advice and suggestions is extremely important to maintaining relationships, and it’ Hopefully you’ll find some use from them and enjoy better communication and relationships as a result

We have to handle relationships in daily life. It's for our relationships with the people around us.

Image Source: Wix AI Two monks were washing their feet in a river when they saw a scorpion struggling in the water. Knowing that scorpions cannot swim, the elder monk knelt down to scoop it out of the water and set it on the shore. As he slowly and calmly picked up the scorpion, it stung his hand. Out of pain and reflex, the monk dropped the scorpion. He then tried again a couple more times, but faster. However, he still got stung and dropped the scorpion. He then told the younger monk to bring him a tree branch from the shore. Using that branch, he managed to scoop the scorpion out of the water and set it on shore. The younger monk asked, "Why did you keep trying to save the scorpion when it stung you so many times? What an ungrateful creature." The elder monk replied, "If I enter the water, I will get wet; the nature of water is wet. See that tree over there? Anyone can sit under its shade. The tree will never ask if you are young or old, good or evil, human or animal; it will provide everyone and anything with its shade because this is its nature. Similarly, the nature of the scorpion is to sting, so there is nothing to take offence in. Our true nature is to be compassionate towards all living beings, just like the tree serves all living beings without discrimination. When we align with our true nature, we will free our minds from the suffering that comes with discrimination and attachment." Commentary This parable has different versions on the internet, and above is a version that I've synthesized and edited. The story has quite a lot of food for thought and can be contemplated from different angles. 1: Compassion First is from the perspective of compassion. Most of us have conditional love towards people: "If you are good, if I like you, if you behave the way I want you to behave, then I will treat you well; otherwise, I will be unhappy towards you." Compassion, on the other hand, is unconditional love: "It doesn't matter who you are or what you do, I will always treat you well, try to understand you, and help you achieve your full potential." As mentioned in last week's article, compassion benefits ourselves first because it is an elevated emotional state, as shown in this chart: Source: Becoming Supernatural by Dr. Joe Dispenza Whereas the survival emotions (e.g., pain, fear, anger) at the bottom are all overly attached to I, elevated motions (e.g., love/compassion, freedom, appreciation) all dampen the attachment to I and focus more on others. When we feel survival emotions, we feel stressed. When we are in an elevated state, we feel a sense of calm happiness and ease. Monks are always cultivating their mind to maintain a state of serenity and compassion, so when the elder monk saw the drowning scorpion, he naturally felt compassion towards it. He didn't think, "This is a scorpion. Scorpions are bad. I don't like scorpions." If we have strong discriminations between what we like and dislike, then we create unnecessary suffering for ourselves. The monk had equal compassion for all living beings, so he could maintain his serene state of mind. When the scorpion repeatedly stung his hand, he didn't think "What an ungrateful creature! I'm trying to help you, and you sting me?!" Compassion is similar to parental love: Even if a child is naughty, does bad things, argues with parents, and hurts parents feelings, the parent ultimately still loves the child and believes in the child's goodness and potential. Similarly, the monk understood that the scorpion stung him out of fear and anxiety, so he felt didn't blame the scorpion and continued to try to save it. When we have conflict with others, we can reflect on whether we truly understand the other person, and whether we are using conditional love or compassion. 2: Wisdom Another insight from this story is the importance of wisdom. We've probably all had the experience of wanting to help others, but when we tried to help, we ended up creating more trouble for everyone. It's like when the elder monk tried to pick up the scorpion and got stung, thereby hurting himself and bringing no benefit to the scorpion. So how can we gain wisdom? One way is of course to study books of wisdom, such as those of ancient philosophers. I previously wrote about this in the article Upgrade Your Thinking. But in the story, the elder monk gained wisdom through his sincere compassion. Sincere means single-minded and unchanging, while compassion means only thinking about benefiting others. Since the monk was single-mindedly focused on helping the scorpion, he didn't give up after the first few failures. Since he wasn't interested in giving up, he continually looked for ways to improve his method, until he finally had a breakthrough: find a tree branch to scoop the scorpion. Similarly, we can reflect on ourselves when we encounter problems. Are we single-mindedly focused and determined to solve it? Or do we think this problem isn't really that big of a deal? Are we focused on helping others, or are we overly attached to our own feelings? 3: Pain vs. Suffering When the elder monk got stung by the scorpion, he surely felt pain, but I don't think he experienced suffering. Pain is physical, while suffering is mental. I'm reminded of this quote from Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius: "Do away with the opinion I am harmed, and the harm is cast away too." The big question is, how can we "do away with the opinion that I am harmed"? It's all about how we think. I like Victor Cheng's definition of "suffering" as "meaningless pain", which means that if we can find meaning in our pain, then we no longer feel unhappy. In fact, we can even appreciate pain similar to how an athlete appreciates growing pains. If we want to improve in life, which is a joyful thing, then we need to face tests and challenges. Monks are trying to cultivate serenity and compassion, so when the elder monk encountered the scorpion that stung him, he viewed it as a good test to help him raise his cultivation rather than as misfortune. If he had gotten upset and given up, then his cultivation would have degenerated. He could then thank the scorpion for showing him his lack of cultivation. But he maintained his cultivation and overcame the challenge, so he can thank the scorpion for helping him to increase his level of cultivation. We probably all face challenges and pain in our lives, but we don't necessarily have to suffer. We can find meaning in our challenges and use our pain as motivation for our self-improvement and for helping others to avoid the pain we've been through. When we do so, we can change our emotional state from suffering (a low state) to appreciation (a high state). Conclusion Although we might not literally be a monk, and we might not ever see a drowning scorpion, the metaphorical lessons of this story are highly relevant to us. Do we have conditional love or unconditional compassion? Are we sincere or fickle? Do we suffer in the face of pain and challenges, or do we find meaning and improve from them? Weekly Wisdom #284

Then I get upset again. " Later, I learned that relationships are like a bank balance. If I meet a stranger, our relationship bank balance is 0, so if I treat them nice, they will treat me Apologizing or saying nice words once or twice is not suddenly going to bring the relationship balance Conclusion If we insist we are the good guys, our relationships might encounter more conflicts. If we insist we are the bad guys, our relationships will have more harmony. Weekly Wisdom #229

Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 Although the context is parenting, the principles can be extended to any relationship

Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 In the past few weeks, I had a few misunderstandings with my mom that led to me explaining myself, which only worsened the conflict. It's quite ironic how the more I try to explain myself, the more others think I'm wrong. Although I know that explaining myself usually did not lead to good results in the past, it's just so hard to resist that urge, otherwise I'd feel wrongfully treated. After each time, I reflected on how to prevent the same problem next time. I've tried things like " Treat others the way you want to be treated ", but I think if I unfairly criticize someone, I would want them to tell me. So I start explaining myself, and then it goes downhill. " Be strict with yourself and lenient with others ", but it's quite hard to happily accept the feeling of being wrongfully treated. " Remember karma. If you argue with others, others will argue with you. " But I tell myself that I'm not arguing, I'm just providing a logical explanation, and I don't mind if others critique my logic calmly. So then I start explaining myself, and things get worse from there. Eventually, I went on the Weekly Wisdom Blog to look for advice from past blog posts, and I came across Why Bad Guys Get Along . In it was a quote that sparked hope in me: "Wise people fight for the blame. Stupid people fight to be right." (Original text: 贤人争罪。愚人争理。) I want to be a wise person, not a stupid person. I realized that I am quite stupid for thinking that explaining myself this time will be different from the previous times where it has never worked. I told myself I have to remember this quote the next time I feel unfairly criticized, and I indeed had some success. The Incident One time, my mom put some clothes out to hang dry in the backyard. She had an online class from 2PM to 4PM, and I told her that it might rain around 4PM according to my weather app. She said, " Oh? My app says it won't rain until 8PM. But anyway, my class will end at 4PM, so if it rains before then, can you get it? " I said, " Sure. " I finished going for a run, showering, and washing my clothes at 3:50PM. It was still sunny outside, so I thought maybe my mom's app is more accurate, so I put my clothes outside to dry in the sun. Then I started working on my computer at a desk near the backyard door. Around 4:30, I was very focused on my work, and then my mom passed by my desk and went to the backyard. I thought she was checking out the garden. Then she started bringing in the clothes. I thought she was just bringing in the clothes before it rains, so I continued focusing on my work. After a short while, I saw a pile of stuff by the door, such that it might be hard for my mom to come back in the house, so I went to help out. Then I found out it started raining already. Later, she complained and said, " I know it's good to be focused when you work, but I was kind of annoyed when you ignored me bringing all the clothes and blankets in. Why didn't you take initiative to come help me bring all the stuff in? " I was really tempted to say, "What! How am I wrong here? I was going to bring the stuff in at 4PM, but it was sunny, and you said it wouldn't rain until 8PM, so I even put my clothes out. I didn't know it was raining at 4:30, so it's not like I purposely did not want to help. Why do you assume I don't want to help? Plus, you were already finished class at that point, so I thought I could leave it to you if it did rain, so I focused on my work." But I stopped myself and reminded myself that only stupid people argue to be right. If I want to be a wise person, I should just take the blame. I really had to swallow that uncomfortable feeling of taking the blame when I really didn't think it was fair, but I did it. I said, "OK. Well, I saw the sun at 4PM, so I thought maybe it won't rain for a while like your app said, but it's my fault for taking a risk like that since my phone said it would rain at 4PM. Next time, I should be more cautious and not take unnecessary risks." Then my mom said, "OK I guess I shouldn't have said that it would rain at 8PM." Then the matter was over. If I had explained my whole strain of reasons, I would be blaming my mom, which would make her feel defensive, and we might get into a whole dispute about who should bear the blame. I've been through that routine many times in the past, and I never felt happier afterwards. This time, although it was very uncomfortable for a short moment to swallow my logic and just accept being misunderstood, I was relieved that no argument arose. When I became calmer later, I tried to imagine things from my mom's perspective. In her mind, it was obvious that it's raining. It didn't occur to her that maybe I didn't see it was raining. Given that assumption, her complaint seems reasonable. I've also made wrong assumptions in the past, so I shouldn't be upset at her for making the same mistakes that I make. Later, my mom also apologized for criticizing me instead of calmly asking my perspective first. I guess she calmed down and reflected on herself too. Isn't it so ironic that when I no longer desire to be right, the other person apologies? But if I kept insisting that I'm right and they're wrong, then they would feel defensive and would never admit it. Indeed, taking the blame was the wise thing to do. Conclusion We'll probably all face situations where others unfairly criticize us or misunderstand us. Trying to defend ourselves or argue that we are right rarely ever yields good results (unless the other person wants you to debate with them). Despite knowing this, it is still quite hard to just accept the unfair treatment. If you are able to be considerate and humble and see things from their perspective in the moment, then that's amazing. I'm not at that level yet, so I need some way to help stop myself from arguing, and I found this quote to be useful: " Wise people fight for the blame. Stupid people fight to be right. " It might feel hard to swallow at first, but we'll be relieved afterwards because a conflict was prevented. Once we are calm, we can reflect on the situation better and see things from their perspective. Weekly Wisdom #246