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Moreover, we should be building the relationship and helping them in regular daily life without any ulterior Every act of kindness and service we do for others is like accumulating trust dollars in that relationship not they listen to us in that conversation depends largely on all the past effort we’ve put into the relationship Conclusion Giving advice and suggestions is extremely important to maintaining relationships, and it’ Hopefully you’ll find some use from them and enjoy better communication and relationships as a result

Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 Although the context is parenting, the principles can be extended to any relationship

Then I get upset again. " Later, I learned that relationships are like a bank balance. If I meet a stranger, our relationship bank balance is 0, so if I treat them nice, they will treat me Apologizing or saying nice words once or twice is not suddenly going to bring the relationship balance Conclusion If we insist we are the good guys, our relationships might encounter more conflicts. If we insist we are the bad guys, our relationships will have more harmony. Weekly Wisdom #229

Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 In the past few weeks, I had a few misunderstandings with my mom that led to me explaining myself, which only worsened the conflict. It's quite ironic how the more I try to explain myself, the more others think I'm wrong. Although I know that explaining myself usually did not lead to good results in the past, it's just so hard to resist that urge, otherwise I'd feel wrongfully treated. After each time, I reflected on how to prevent the same problem next time. I've tried things like " Treat others the way you want to be treated ", but I think if I unfairly criticize someone, I would want them to tell me. So I start explaining myself, and then it goes downhill. " Be strict with yourself and lenient with others ", but it's quite hard to happily accept the feeling of being wrongfully treated. " Remember karma. If you argue with others, others will argue with you. " But I tell myself that I'm not arguing, I'm just providing a logical explanation, and I don't mind if others critique my logic calmly. So then I start explaining myself, and things get worse from there. Eventually, I went on the Weekly Wisdom Blog to look for advice from past blog posts, and I came across Why Bad Guys Get Along . In it was a quote that sparked hope in me: "Wise people fight for the blame. Stupid people fight to be right." (Original text: 贤人争罪。愚人争理。) I want to be a wise person, not a stupid person. I realized that I am quite stupid for thinking that explaining myself this time will be different from the previous times where it has never worked. I told myself I have to remember this quote the next time I feel unfairly criticized, and I indeed had some success. The Incident One time, my mom put some clothes out to hang dry in the backyard. She had an online class from 2PM to 4PM, and I told her that it might rain around 4PM according to my weather app. She said, " Oh? My app says it won't rain until 8PM. But anyway, my class will end at 4PM, so if it rains before then, can you get it? " I said, " Sure. " I finished going for a run, showering, and washing my clothes at 3:50PM. It was still sunny outside, so I thought maybe my mom's app is more accurate, so I put my clothes outside to dry in the sun. Then I started working on my computer at a desk near the backyard door. Around 4:30, I was very focused on my work, and then my mom passed by my desk and went to the backyard. I thought she was checking out the garden. Then she started bringing in the clothes. I thought she was just bringing in the clothes before it rains, so I continued focusing on my work. After a short while, I saw a pile of stuff by the door, such that it might be hard for my mom to come back in the house, so I went to help out. Then I found out it started raining already. Later, she complained and said, " I know it's good to be focused when you work, but I was kind of annoyed when you ignored me bringing all the clothes and blankets in. Why didn't you take initiative to come help me bring all the stuff in? " I was really tempted to say, "What! How am I wrong here? I was going to bring the stuff in at 4PM, but it was sunny, and you said it wouldn't rain until 8PM, so I even put my clothes out. I didn't know it was raining at 4:30, so it's not like I purposely did not want to help. Why do you assume I don't want to help? Plus, you were already finished class at that point, so I thought I could leave it to you if it did rain, so I focused on my work." But I stopped myself and reminded myself that only stupid people argue to be right. If I want to be a wise person, I should just take the blame. I really had to swallow that uncomfortable feeling of taking the blame when I really didn't think it was fair, but I did it. I said, "OK. Well, I saw the sun at 4PM, so I thought maybe it won't rain for a while like your app said, but it's my fault for taking a risk like that since my phone said it would rain at 4PM. Next time, I should be more cautious and not take unnecessary risks." Then my mom said, "OK I guess I shouldn't have said that it would rain at 8PM." Then the matter was over. If I had explained my whole strain of reasons, I would be blaming my mom, which would make her feel defensive, and we might get into a whole dispute about who should bear the blame. I've been through that routine many times in the past, and I never felt happier afterwards. This time, although it was very uncomfortable for a short moment to swallow my logic and just accept being misunderstood, I was relieved that no argument arose. When I became calmer later, I tried to imagine things from my mom's perspective. In her mind, it was obvious that it's raining. It didn't occur to her that maybe I didn't see it was raining. Given that assumption, her complaint seems reasonable. I've also made wrong assumptions in the past, so I shouldn't be upset at her for making the same mistakes that I make. Later, my mom also apologized for criticizing me instead of calmly asking my perspective first. I guess she calmed down and reflected on herself too. Isn't it so ironic that when I no longer desire to be right, the other person apologies? But if I kept insisting that I'm right and they're wrong, then they would feel defensive and would never admit it. Indeed, taking the blame was the wise thing to do. Conclusion We'll probably all face situations where others unfairly criticize us or misunderstand us. Trying to defend ourselves or argue that we are right rarely ever yields good results (unless the other person wants you to debate with them). Despite knowing this, it is still quite hard to just accept the unfair treatment. If you are able to be considerate and humble and see things from their perspective in the moment, then that's amazing. I'm not at that level yet, so I need some way to help stop myself from arguing, and I found this quote to be useful: " Wise people fight for the blame. Stupid people fight to be right. " It might feel hard to swallow at first, but we'll be relieved afterwards because a conflict was prevented. Once we are calm, we can reflect on the situation better and see things from their perspective. Weekly Wisdom #246

Something I've learned though is that relationships are key to happiness, so if I want a happy life, of learning a different way of using chopsticks, it actually is worth it if it means building a good relationship I still often fail to prioritize relationships over logic, but I just record that failure in my journal event was a good reminder to be empathetic and patient towards other people's habits, to prioritize relationships

Image Source Recently, a teacher colleague discussed a student situation with me about two elementary school children. She said to me: "Yesterday at lunch, John was provoking Chelsea by showing off his snacks to her, and Chelsea was quite jealous and upset that she didn't have such snacks. She then threw a broccoli at John. When I saw this, I got very angry and scolded Chelsea for being disrespectful and throwing food. She felt I was being unfair because John started it. But I told her you don't have to react to John, and you certainly don't have to throw food across the table. I told her since she disrespects food, she cannot eat the rest of her lunch, and if she's hungry this afternoon, that's the consequence she has to experience. Chelsea accepted responsibility and the punishment.   Later in the afternoon, Chelsea told me she was hungry. Although I felt bad for her and wanted to give her food, I felt like I needed to keep my word and authority, so I told her that's the punishment for disrespecting food. Do you think I was too harsh on her?"   Note: Although not everyone is a teacher, most of us are probably current parents or future parents, and we may encounter similar situations with children at home. Even if we are not parents or teachers, we may have to mediate conflict for others, so we can still learn something useful from this case. If you were in this teacher's situation, what would you do? After you have your own thoughts, you can continue reading.   I responded: "First, I think the school is very fortunate to have a teacher like you who cares so much about the students' character development. A lot of other schools and teachers might just tell them to stop making a fuss and finish their lunch quietly. But you saw that this was a teaching opportunity, and you used it to teach the students an important lesson about not responding to provocations and being respectful towards food. Our school puts their character development first, so I really respect what you did.   Since you are asking me if you were too harsh on her, I can infer that deep down, you felt you were too harsh on her. I think that's your sense of conscience speaking. You mentioned that you got very angry at Chelsea. For me, if I notice that my anger is rising, I try to shut my mouth and leave the situation. That's because I know that if I have anger or other negative emotions, I will make the situation worse by speaking. Only with a calm mind can we make the situation better.   Ultimately, we should talk to them about this situation and give appropriate punishment and education. But we need to do it with the intention of helping them, and we can't mix in feelings of anger or blame. Now you are calm, so if you could re-do that whole situation, how might you do it differently?"   She said: "Yeah you're right. After I went home last night, I still kept thinking about Chelsea and felt bad for making her hungry. I also remembered that scolding kids while they're eating is not good for their digestion. But I wanted to be prompt in responding to the problem. I'm afraid that if I just let it slip by, the effect wouldn't be the same.   Also, to be honest, I was trying to scare John more so than Chelsea. I know that John started this, and when Chelsea threw the broccoli, I think John would have responded by throwing food too, so I immediately went over and was very strict on Chelsea to signal John that such behavior is not allowed. But I think John just smirked, so it didn't have the effect I was hoping for.   If I had to re-do the situation, maybe I wouldn't try to scare John by being strict with Chelsea. But when Chelsea said she was hungry in the afternoon, I don't know if I would give her something to eat. These kids are spoiled and self-centered as it is, if we give a punishment and then retract it, then wouldn't I be breaking a promise that we both agreed to? And kids might think that they can get whatever they want as long as they plead?"   I said: "I agree that you shouldn't try to scare John by being strict with Chelsea. Each person should have a consequence proportionate to their offense. John mocked Chelsea and tried to get her to be jealous. He should have some sort of consequence for that. Chelsea chose to respond by throwing broccoli at John. She got a corresponding punishment that she felt was fair, which was why she didn't argue with you. But maybe later today, you should have a chat with John to tell him that provoking others is not acceptable.   If I were you in that situation, I wouldn't scold them while they are eating because I don't want to ruin their mood and digestion during lunch. I would tell them to finish their lunch quietly, and then have them come talk to me privately during lunch recess.   They might complain that they want to have recess, in which case I'll say you guys misbehaved while eating, so we need to have a chat. I'm sure they can sense that I'm not venting anger on them because I still let them eat their lunch, but at the same time, they know that I'm principled, and I'm not letting them get away with any behavior that crosses the line.   During the chat, I'll say the things you said to Chelsea, and I'll also tell John that provoking others is a very serious offense. Maybe I would give them both detention, and John would need to write an apology letter to Chelsea, and Chelsea would need to tell me what she did wrong. If I think all the kids need to hear the conversation, I could make an announcement later and let everyone know that provoking others or throwing food is not allowed at school and that there will be consequences.   You mentioned that you didn't want to give Chelsea food in the afternoon because you're afraid that you'll be breaking a promise. This reminds me of a quote from the Record on Education : 'Great trust transcends words.'   In other words, using words and contracts is a low level of trust. A high level of trust transcends words. A high level of trust means I trust that you have my best intentions at heart. Maybe at lunch, when Chelsea agreed to the punishment, she didn't foresee how hungry she would be later. If she comes to me later and tells me she's hungry, I would ask her, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how hungry are you? Can you last until the end of school?'   If she is truly starving and can't even focus in class, then I would give her something to eat. I'm sure she wouldn't think the teacher is breaking his word. She would feel that the teacher truly cares for her. Or if she says, 'My hunger level is 7. I don't know if I can last until the end of school', then I might give her some juice to drink. That's technically not breaking my word since juice is not food, but it still gives her some energy. The reason I can think of such a solution is I'm not preoccupied with protecting my reputation; rather, I am focused on what's best for her."   The teacher asked, "But what if she's not actually that hungry, and she lies and says she's really hungry, and then she thinks she got away with lying to get what she wanted?"   I said, "You have to make a judgment call, and the way to see things clearly is to be focused purely on her wellbeing. If you're worried about things like your authority or being deceived, then you won't be able to focus on her, and you won't see clearly. If you are purely focused on her, then you will be able to judge from her facial expression, her tone of voice, her body language, her reactions, all of that, you'll be able to judge with a certain level of confidence her true situation, and then you can make the appropriate decision.   From another angle, so what if you get deceived here? If I were Chelsea, and I lied and told my teacher that I'm very hungry, and then the teacher gave me food, maybe I might think I'm very clever. But eventually, I'll realize that this teacher really cares about me, and I'll feel bad for lying to such a nice teacher, and I'd try to treat that teacher better in the future. Ultimately, there is never one correct course of action. As long as we have the proper intentions, the results will naturally align themselves.   Although we can't change the past, you can still create the future. Chelsea is still a kid, and I'm sure she didn't make a big deal out of what happened. She looked normal and happy today. Maybe you can talk to her later today and tell her that you're very impressed and proud of her that she could endure hunger all afternoon yesterday and then give her a hug."   The teacher nodded and thanked me for the advice. I told her, "Honestly, it's much easier to give advice than to actually do it. Even though I can say this advice, if I were in your actual situation, I probably wouldn't be able to do better. I just recently lost my patience with some other kids. That's why it's helpful to get advice from neutral third parties who don't have emotional baggage around the situation. You have a lot of strengths that I don't have. We're all working on improving ourselves, so let's keep supporting each other!" Weekly Wisdom #370

conversation between Jay Shetty and John and Julie Gottman, and it was probably the best scientific relationship People can be very different and still have wonderful relationships.

Before we learned them, we didn't have this "arsenal"; after we learned them, this "arsenal" harms our relationships If we want to have a harmonious relationship with others, we need to let go of our demands towards them them, we can be strict with ourselves and lenient towards them, then harmony already exists in the relationship As long as one person has a harmonious attitude in the relationship, conflict will not arise.

Once he cleansed away the hatred and resentment in his heart towards his mother, his relationship with When his relationship with his mother improved, all his other relationships, such as with his wife, children Thus, happy relationships start with the relationship with our parents. Once I recovered trust and understanding with my mother, our relationship became much more harmonious This will then spill over to all our other relationships.

This isn't just useful for marriage, but for all relationships. This, of course, will harm the relationship. Some people say, "They were so caring and loving at the beginning of our relationship.

What's one of the most common reasons we get angry or upset at other people? One reason is because we think we are right and they are wrong, yet they don't listen to us.   Venerable Jing Kong once said, "Other people's wrong is right. My right is wrong."   This is a Zen koan, meaning that it seems paradoxical at surface level, and it's meant to help us break free from conventional thinking and to gain insight. So, what do you think is the deeper meaning behind this koan? After you have your thoughts, keep reading. Image Source: ChatGPT    Venerable Jing Kong explained that other people's bad behavior is "right" because they were taught that bad behavior by the people around them and by their upbringing. For example, if someone is very rude, chances are, their parents and peers role modeled rude behavior for them, so they naturally learned it. Their behavior is "right" in that it is natural and expected for them to behave that way given their history and circumstances.   Our "right" is "wrong" for a couple reasons. First, we are illogical for thinking they shouldn't be that way. They are the way they are supposed to be because they are, and they can't be any other way right now because they aren't. If we viewed their behavior as understandable and reasonable, then we wouldn't get upset at them. Instead, we would accept them for the way they are right now.   Second, we are wrong for being overly demanding towards them. When we say things like, " You shouldn't _____ " or " You should ______ ", it's often with a demanding or blaming attitude, and that just creates opposition and conflict. Our goal is to improve the situation, but our negative energy just makes it worse.   Recently, my mother's friend told her that for many years, she was very demanding towards her husband and children to learn Buddhism. She mentioned the Zen koan from Venerable Jing Kong and said that although she understands it intellectually, she just can't bring herself to apologize to them.   When I heard about this from my mother, we had a discussion about the matter. I wonder if that friend deeply understood the Zen koan. If she understands the koan and wants to apologize, but she struggles to let go of the ego, then that's understandable. It's hard to change our habits, so we need to take small steps at a time, and we'll get better over time.   But if she thinks she understands the koan and yet doesn't feel the need to apologize, then that's a different problem, and I would question whether or not she truly understands the koan. A surface level understanding would be "Their wrong is right because they are the result of their upbringing and circumstances. My right is wrong because I shouldn't force others to listen to me and I shouldn't get impatient or upset."   But if it's just an intellectual understanding without resonance or agreement from our heart, then we would struggle to practice it. It's like we're forcing ourselves to do something that we don't truly believe in. Deep down, we might think, "OK I get that it's not good to be demanding or impatient. But if I'm not a bit forceful towards them, they wouldn't learn at all, which would be even worse! I'm still partially right in the matter." If we don't feel like we truly wronged them, then of course we wouldn't want to apologize.   There is a Chinese idiom that goes "pulling on sprouts to assist their growth", and it illustrates the harm of being impatient and demanding. Image Source In this analogy, her family member's desire to learn Buddhism is like sprouts. These sprouts just started to grow, and they're quite weak. The sprout needs nurturing, encouragement, joy, and time to grow. But if she is too demanding and impatient, she might pull on the sprouts, causing them to be uprooted and die.   In other words, those sprouts could  have grown into full plants, but her impatience killed them. Rather than blaming the sprouts for being "slow", we should really blame ourselves for being impatient. If we truly feel that we harmed the sprouts and prevented them from growing into a healthy plant, wouldn't we naturally feel sorry?   Also, if we want others to learn Buddhism, we should set a good example by following Buddhism's teachings. A core teaching of Buddhism is karma. Karma states that everything has a cause, and every cause has a result. Why don't family members listen to us? Perhaps the cause is because of our attitude of impatience, high demands, and opposition towards them. After all, the energy of impatience attracts impatience from others; the energy of high demands attracts resistance from others; the energy of opposition attracts opposition from others.   Or perhaps the content we shared with them doesn't feel relevant to them. Or perhaps we're demanding too much of their time. Whatever the reason is, there is definitely a reason. Given that there's definitely a reason, that means we can find the reason and adjust to get the result we want; there's no need to get impatient or upset.   Also, according to karma, what goes around comes around. If others don't listen to us right now, chances are we didn't listen to them in the past. Regardless of what others have done, we have also wronged them in the past, so shouldn't we feel apologetic for that? When we feel like we have wronged others, we naturally wouldn't feel demanding or impatient towards them anymore.   Understanding karma is also empowering and gives us hope for the future. If we want others to be more understanding, cooperative, and patient towards us in the future, then we need to start planting those karmic seeds by treating them that way now. Instead of pressuring them to listen to us, we can start showing genuine, unconditional care for them. When they expect a naggy lecture from us, and we instead give words of affirmation and care, they'll feel surprised and change their impression of us, one little bit at a time. As these good karmic seeds accumulate, they will eventually change the way they view us and thereby treat us.   Conclusion When was the last time you got upset at someone? How might you use this idea of "their wrong is right, and my right is wrong" to change your perspective and behavior? Weekly Wisdom #360

At the end of the Shang Dynasty (about 3000 years ago) in China's history, the State of Yu (虞) and the State of Rui (芮) were neighbours. They had peaceful relations for many years, but with the succession of new rulers, eventually, a conflict broke out regarding a piece of land at the border of the two states. This piece of land was about ten li  (5 kilometres) in area, and it was full of lush forest and fertile soil. Both state rulers wanted to claim it, and they both searched for evidence to prove that the land belonged to them. The dispute dragged on for many years without resolution.   One day, a merchant from the State of Yu returned from the State of Zhou  (周) , and he told the two state rulers: " I recently returned from the State of Zhou, and its ruler,   Lord Jichang (姬昌) , is widely respected for his fairness and virtue. The citizens happily follow his governance. If both lords are willing, I suggest you visit him and ask him to mediate this dispute. "   The rulers of Yu and Rui agreed and set out for the State of Zhou. As they traveled into Zhou territory, they noticed that the sky seemed bluer, the waters clearer, the mountains greener, and even the chirping of birds more pleasant. At first, they thought it was just the novelty of arriving in a new place, but as their journey continued, they became increasingly impressed by what they observed.   While passing by some farmland, they noticed two farmers arguing. One farmer said: "Friend, if you plow a bit more of this land, you could grow more crops. Why leave such a wide boundary path?”   The other farmer, annoyed, replied: “My dear friend, you’re too fussy! I told you long ago: that land is yours. How could I plant crops on your land?” Image Source The rulers of Yu and Rui were quite astonished to see these two farmers insisting on giving rather than taking.   As they continued on their journey, they saw pedestrians politely making way for each other; no one walked down the middle of the path. Moreover, young people helped elders to carry things.   Suddenly, they saw a young man run into a kid, causing the kid to fall over. The young man immediately said, "I'm so sorry for running into you. Are you OK? Let me carry you home. It's my fault."   The boy quickly got up by himself and said, "It's OK, don't worry, I can get home by myself."   The two rulers were quite shocked at how polite and considerate these citizens of Zhou were, and they felt ashamed when they thought of their own citizens in comparison. Image Source When they arrived in the capital city of the state of Zhou, it was already late in the evening, so they found an inn to stay at for the night. Before going to sleep, they went to lock the door, but strangely, they couldn't find the door bolt. They then asked the innkeeper, who told them: "We don't have a door bolt. The people here are very civilized and honest; no one would steal your things, so no one locks their doors at night."   The rulers were shocked. The next morning, as they left the inn, they heard a woman on the road shouting, "Who dropped this?" It was a very expensive item, and she stayed there waiting for the owner to return.   When they arrived at the royal court, they saw the court officials conducting their duties proactively and in an orderly manner. Everyone was courteous, humble, and yielding, letting others go first.   Image Source At this point, the rulers of Yu and Rui felt too ashamed of themselves to request a meeting with the ruler of Zhou. They looked at each other and said: “We are rulers, yet we are not even as virtuous as the common folk here! Our argument would be seen as a disgrace here in the state of Zhou. Let's not embarrass ourselves in front of Lord Jichang."   After returning to their own states, the rulers of Yu and Rui both made concessions and tried to yield the land to each other. In the end, neither of them occupied that land, and that piece of land still exists today. By yielding, not only did they gain harmony, but the story of their land-yielding has been passed down for thousands of years.   Commentary Have you ever wanted someone else to change, but they refused? Perhaps you asked them to be more considerate, respectful, patient, or careful, but they didn’t take your advice to heart. Why is that? One possible reason is that we haven't set a good example ourselves, so they'll think, "You're no better than me. What right do you have to demand better of me?"   If we truly want others to have lasting change, we have to inspire them, not demand or force them to change. When people feel inspired and impressed by a role model, they will be self-motivated to change. For example, there weren't any laws in the state of Zhou demanding citizens to yield land to their neighbors, but the citizens were naturally self-motivated to be highly civilized, and this was a result of Lord Jichang's great role modeling.   On the other hand, if we force others to change by using threats and punishments, yet we ourselves to don't role model that good behavior, then others might comply temporarily because we have more power over them, but as they accumulate resentment, they will eventually rebel. In other words, people's good behavior don't arise because we demand it out of them, but rather because they are inspired and touched by good role models.   Every human being has a conscience, but that conscience might get clouded by selfishness. However, seeing a moral role model can bring out others' inner conscience, making them feel a sense of shame for their immoral behavior. That feeling of "I shouldn't do that; I should be better" is an inner motivation to change, and inner motivation is long-lasting. This was what happened in the story with the rulers of Yu and Rui.   An important point to note is that we need to have the right intention when we role model good behavior. We do the right thing simply because it is the right thing to do, not because we want others to emulate us. If we have any demands towards others, then we would became impatient if they don't change promptly. If we start criticizing them as a result, then they'll think,  "So you are only putting on an act to demand things from me. You're not actually sincere in your good behavior."  As a result, they'll lose respect for us and oppose us.   As Confucius said, "If a leader has good role modeling, then people will carry out their duties without being ordered. If the leader does not have good role modeling, then people will not obey despite being ordered."  (Original text: "子曰：其身正，不令而行；其身不正，雖令不從。")   This isn't to say that rules and punishments are unnecessary, but rather that rules and punishments alone aren't enough to create long-lasting change in others. Additionally, we need to build trust with others, which can be done by having their best intentions in mind and helping them feel understood.   Concluding Thoughts Do you wish for the people around you to be different in any way? Do you role model that behavior for them? Weekly Wisdom #338