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I recently watched The Wild Robot , and it was a heartwarming and inspiring film with many valuable life lessons for me. I'd definitely recommend it for all audiences. Image Source Below I give a very brief summary of the movie, and then share my learnings and reflections (spoiler alert).   Brief Summary A cargo ship of Universal Dynamics ROZZUM robots encounters a storm and crashes onto an island. Only ROZZUM Unit 7134 survives, and the animals later call her "Roz". These robots are all programmed to help humans with tasks and prioritize customer satisfaction.   When Roz gets activated, she tries to help all the animals she encounters on the island, thinking that these are the customers that ordered her. However, all the animals are scared of her, and her "help" is not welcomed. Later, Roz realizes that she does not understand what these animals are saying, so she analyzes and learns their language. She then tries to help more animals, but most animals are scared of her and run away or attack her.   While running away from an angry grizzly bear, Roz accidentally crushed a goose nest, but noticed one surviving egg and decided to protect this egg until it hatches. A fox named Fink tries to steal the egg, but Roz manages to save the egg. The egg hatches, and the gosling thinks Roz is his mother. Roz thinks her mission is complete because she helped the egg hatch, but the gosling keeps following Roz around. When Roz tried to send a return signal to homebase, the gosling broke her transponder (unintentionally of course).   Roz is frustrated and runs into a mother opossum named Pinktail, who explains to her that this gosling thinks Roz is his mother, and gives her the mission of helping this gosling learn how to swim and fly before the winter migration. Roz accepts the mission. Image Source Roz does not have the programming to raise a gosling, so she fails quite badly at it. The fox Fink sees Roz failing at trying to raise the gosling and decides to offer his help in exchange for Roz helping him with food and shelter. Fink also urges Roz many times to overcome her rigid programming and use instincts and feelings. Roz struggles at first, but eventually is able to do it.   After many challenges, Roz eventually succeeds in raising the gosling, whom she named Brightbill, and Brightbill is able to join the winter migration. During the whole process, Roz also made friends with the animals on the island and saved them during a winter snowstorm.   Lesson 1: If you don't understand them, then you cannot love them. At the beginning, Roz tried to help all the animals she encountered. The problem is, her programming is to help humans, and she knew nothing about animals, their language, or their needs. In other words, she was using her  ideas of what these animals might want based on her limited programming. In reality, it's not what these animals wanted. Later, she learned the language of the animals and realized that the animals were annoyed at her. She eventually learned how to get along with the various animals on the island.   Image Source Similarly, have we ever tried to help others and give them what we think is good for them, but they respond with annoyance or anger? In that case, we shouldn't blame them for being ungrateful, but rather reflect on ourselves. Are we using our biases and imposing our limited understanding onto them? Have we confirmed our understanding of their situation with them? Do they feel that we understand them, not just logically but also emotionally?   2: Taking on responsibility is the beginning of growth At the beginning of the movie, Roz could only think according to her limited programming. She had no idea how to raise a gosling, nor did she have any emotional intelligence. In fact, when Pinktail told her that this gosling thinks Roz is her mother, Roz actually replied,  "I do not have the programming to be a mother. "   Pinktail replies, "No one does. We just make it up."   Roz says, "Without an assigned task, my next priority is to return to factory."   Pink Tail replies, "Taking care of him is your task now."   Roz replies, "Task acquired. Return mode delayed. A Rozzum always completes its task."   Image Source Since Roz has a strong sense of responsibility, she is determined to complete whatever task assigned to her, no matter how difficult. This is something we should learn from Roz. Because she was willing to take on responsibility, she was able to grow and learn new programming, ultimately becoming a great mother to the gosling and even to all the animals on the island.   (Side note: She also serves as a reminder to us about how amazing all parents are, especially mothers, for taking on one of the toughest responsibilities in the world: raising a baby.)   Brightbill is a runt goose, meaning his body and wings are smaller than usual, making it hard for him to fly. Despite this physical disability, he also had a strong sense of responsibility. He didn't want to let his mother down, so he persevered through lots of tough training, including carrying rocks and pulling boats until he proved his flying abilities to join the migration group.   Image Source We can learn from Roz and Brightbill by taking on responsibilities for a purpose greater than ourselves. If we only do something for ourselves, we'll get disheartened and lazy in the face of difficulty. But if we do it for a purpose bigger than ourselves, we'll gain more power and motivation to persevere. The reward isn't just attaining the desired result at the end, but more so the growth in our character throughout the process.   3: The power of role models and faith As mentioned earlier, Brightbill's body is smaller than usual geese, which makes it very hard for him to fly. In fact, the elder geese in charge of the migration actually didn't believe Brightbill could fly at all, meaning he'd die in the first winter of his life.   At the beginning, Roz taught Brightbill to fly by analyzing videos of normal geese flying. But Brightbill struggled. Later, she thought of another idea: she found a hawk named Thunderbolt, who's body shape and size is very similar to Bightbill's, to teach him.   The first thing that Thunderbolt said to Brightbill is, "So you think small wings are a disappointment? Small wings have teeth: The claws of the sky."   He then extends his small wings and tells Brightbill, "Show me your teeth!"   Image Source Brightbill looks at him skeptically but extends his wings. Thunderbolt said, "Beautiful. Begin!"   Thunderbolt then soars into the sky. Roz tells Brightbill, "Remember: there's nothing he can do that you can't."   Thanks to the encouragement from Thunderbolt and Roz, Brightbill finally gains faith in himself and leaps into the air, flying and following behind Thunderbolt's tail.   Thunderbolt then teaches Brightbill to use his smaller wings to its full advantage, explaining, "Your shape makes it more work to fly straight, but easier to turn and dive."   Thunderbolt goes for a dive, and Brightbill tries to keep up. Thunderbolt affirms him saying, "Not bad for a goose!"   Shortly after, Brightbill learns to fly with skill and agility just like a hawk.   Image Source We can reflect on ourselves: Are we more like Roz and Thunderbolt, giving others faith and encouragement? Or are we more like the other geese, giving others doubt and discouragement? Even more foundational, what's our self-talk like?   We've probably all struggled with difficulty before, and we might start to lose faith, thinking "I can't take it anymore. I want to give up." When this happens, it's very helpful to find a role model whom we can relate to, just like Thunderbolt to Brightbill. Study how they succeeded and emulate them. Like Roz said, if that person can do it, so can we.   A quote I often think of in the face of difficult is this one by Ryan Holiday: "Don't forget, though, that you come from a long, unbroken line of ancestors who survived unimaginable adversity, difficulty, and struggle. It's their genes and their blood that run through your body right now… as their viable offspring, you're capable of what they are capable of. You're meant for this."   Nowadays, many people talk negatively to themselves and others. People say words of discouragement and doubt instead of encouragement and faith. This is a tragedy because faith is the mother of potential and success.   For example, people used to think it's impossible for the human body to run a 4-minute mile. After Roger Banister broke that belief, lots of people started breaking the 4-minute mile. If we are always discouraging and doubting ourselves and others, think of how many amazing possibilities are extinguished before even given a proper chance. Thus, it's very important to keep faith alive. Be a cheerleader, not a naysayer .   Even if the idea is very unlikely to succeed, from the perspective of human sentiment, it's much easier to accept this fact after we've tried and failed as opposed to someone shooting down our ideas without even giving us a chance. No one likes being doubted or shot down, so we should not do that to others. When we encourage and support others, others will eventually learn from our role modeling and do the same to us.   4: Kindness is a long-term survival skill Near the beginning of the movie, Roz told Fink, "My power cords are damaged, and I need a replacement transmitter."   Image Source Fink said, "When we run across another robot, we'll kill it and take its parts."   Roz replied, "Negative. Rozzling inhibition protocols prevent deliberate harm to others."   Fink said, "You need to learn how things work on this island. Me, the bear, everybody, we're all just trying to survive. And kindness is not a survival skill."   However, Roz always remained kind and selfless. No matter how much other animals bullied her, she never felt resentment towards them, and she continued to adjust herself and find ways to create harmony with them.   When the winter came, all the animals went to their own shelters to hibernate. Roz created a big house for herself, Brightbill, and Fink before, so she went there to "hibernate". Later, she was woken up by Fink. She asked why Fink is back here and started a fire. Fink replied that there's a terrible blizzard outside, and the only way to survive was for him to come here.   Roz immediately asked if there are other animals in danger. Finck nodded and reluctantly agreed to help Roz go save the other animals and bring them to the house. Image Source After saving tons of animals, they all started fighting each other in the house.   Roz asked, "What's happening?"   Fink said, "You got a bunch of predators and their food supply in one room. What do you expect?"   Roz is already very low on power because she used it all up rescuing animals in the storm, and there's no sunlight to recharge her batteries. Lying down with almost no power left, she said, "Fink, please help them."   Fink then shouts to get everyone's attention and makes a speech: "I hate most of you. Everyone here hates someone else. But here we are, and here's the deal. First one to walk out this house is dead, and if we can't keep it together in here, everyone's dead. We all have one chance to survive this winter and see next spring, and that's because of her (pointing to Roz). The monster. Her name is Roz. While you all ran from her, stole from her, and made fun of her, all she's been trying to do is raise her kid. The little one that no one gave a chance. She's the one that got you out of the storm, built this place, and despite my suggestion that she let you all freeze, she risked everything to bring you here."   Image Source Roz then said, "I know you all have instincts that keep you alive. But sometimes, to survive, we must become more than we were programmed to be . Before I shut down, I need you to promise me one thing: a truce, just while we're in here."   The animals were all touched and felt ashamed for their past behavior, and they agreed to a truce and hibernated together in the house.   Near the end of the movie, the animals got together in Roz's house for another winter, but this time Roz is not there. Fink tells the story of Roz to some kids: " Once, there was an island of all sorts of animals. They fought and they ran and they hid. But most of them, they were scared. But then, a robot fell right out of the sky. Roz. She had some strange ideas, but kindness was her survival skill. You know what, she was right. "   Image Source This was probably one of the most heartwarming scenes in the movie for me, seeing the animals overcome their animal instincts and choosing kindness over selfishness. They were able to do this because Roz set a good role model for them and touched their hearts.   As Mencius said, "One who loves others will always be loved by others. One who respects others will always be respected by others."   Mencius is not saying that if we love and respect others, others will immediately love and respect us back. Trust and good relationships take time to build. But as long as we persist, just like Roz did, others will eventually be touched and reciprocate our love and respect.   If we only care about our own survival, about short-term self-benefit, then even though we might get ahead in the short-term, we'll lose out in the long-term. Think about it: if we gain happiness at the cost of others' happiness, then others will resent us and seek to get back at us in the future. That short-term gain comes with the cost of long-term fear and harm. Besides, if we are happy but the people around us are unhappy, how long can we stay happy?   On the other hand, if we focus on helping others be happy, then they will be grateful towards us and want to help us back in the future. If the people around us are happy, it's kind of hard to not be happy with them. Thus, kindness is indeed a long-term survival skill. If even those animals could overcome their animal instincts and choose kindness over selfishness, then surely we humans can as well. 5: The Innate Love Between Parent and Child I really appreciate how the movie shows a parent-child relationship through a robot mother and a gosling. There were many touching scenes that reminded me of the innate love between parent and child.   For example, when Brightbill first hatched, Roz was trying to go to high ground to send a signal for pick-up from headquarters, but Brightbill kept following her around. He would naturally try to get on Roz's shoulder and cuddle by her face. This is just like how an infant naturally loves parents. Image Source   Later, when Roz was trying to teach Brightbill how to swim and fly, Roz shot him into the air and water, and Brightbill was quite startled. Despite those scary experiences, Brightbill never doubted Roz's love for him. He continued to love Roz like a baby loves his mother.   When Roz was building a house for them, she was lifting and stacking all these heavy logs as fast as she could. Brightbill then pecks at her foot with a small twig in his mouth. Roz said, "Your help is not needed. You will only slow down my work."   A few moments later, Brightbill pecked again at her foot. Roz then looked down, sighed, and said, "Alright, just this once."  Then she picks up Brightbill and lets him put a twig on logs. In this way, Brightbill feels like he is contributing to the house-building. Roz then continues stacking logs, and shortly after, Brightbill pecks at her foot again…and again…and again. Each time, Roz let Brightbill add more twigs.   Image Source That scene was really heartwarming and touching to me. It made me think of all the sacrifices that parents make for their young children, and how parents are willing to go through a lot of trouble to raise their children. Before having children, adults can do whatever they want in their free time. After having children, they don't have any free time anymore. They can't just go to the mall or hang out with friends or go on trips. Their whole life has to be re-organized to put the child at the center.   Unfortunately, many of us don't think about all the patience that our parents gave us when we were babies, or all that parents have sacrificed for us to raise us. If we did, then we'd all have a more loving and patient attitude towards our parents.   Another scene was when Brightbill got very angry at Roz for hiding the fact that she accidentally killed his real parents. He even told Roz to go away and leave him alone. Despite this, Roz didn't blame Brightbill or disown him. She had a little inner crisis where she doubted herself as a mother and whether or not she should just return to factory, but ultimately, she decided that Brightbill needs to learn how to fly if he is to live past winter, and so she went back to find Brightbill.   This reminds me of how sometimes, kids will get really upset at parents for not understanding them or doing something that they feel is very unfair. The thing is, the parents probably had good intentions, so it was either an accident or a misunderstanding. Parents are human too, and as humans, we all have faults and make mistakes. But parents love their children even after being treated very disrespectfully or hearing hurtful words, and they will try to do better for their children, just like how Roz still loved Brightbill.   When Brightbill saw that Roz still loved him and had his best intentions at heart despite his hurtful words, he was quite touched and started working hard to fulfill Roz's wish for him: to be able to fly and survive the winter.   Later, another elder geese told Brightbill, "You are a runt, so no one believed you would be able to fly. It's quite a miracle that you can fly, and it's all thanks to her. The accident that killed your parents saved you." Brightbill then felt very guilty for the way he treated Roz. When Roz apologized for the accident, he told her, "What happened is not your fault. But what you did to try to fix it is everything."   I think that line is something we can all keep in mind. We all make mistakes, and saying sorry is the bare minimum we should do. But to truly make it up to others, we should do our utmost to repair the damage we've done and even give a bit more. In Roz's case, not only did she take on the mother's role for Brightbill, she was an exceedingly stellar mom.   After Roz flew off for winter, Fink asked Roz if she would go back to headquarters. Roz was hesitant. On the one hand, her mission was complete. But on the other hand, she worried about Brightbill. Ultimately, she decided to wait until Spring because she really wanted to see Brightbill return safely.   It reminds me of how parents are always thinking about and worrying about their children. Children might find it annoying and troublesome that parents are always worrying about them, but if we change our perspective and view it as their natural parental love for us, we wouldn't demand them to not worry about us. Instead, we would appreciate their love and care for us.   Conclusion I really enjoyed The Wild Robot , not just because of the touching story and great humor, but also because of the insightful life lessons. These are just my learnings and reflections, and I'm sure there are many others. If you have any other life lessons you took away from the film, I'd love to hear about them.

At my school, we take our kids out to a nearby sports park every day after lunch for recess. The sports park has a soccer field, a basketball court, mini golf, ping pong, and giant life-sized chess boards. This sports park has a few office buildings beside it, and it is open to the public.   This past Tuesday, I was on lunch duty and took the kids to the sports park with another teacher. Most of the kids were playing soccer, but one kid had a tantrum. Let's call him Joe.   Joe was looking forward to playing with the life-sized chessboard, but when we arrived, it was gone. He then started shouting and crying "IT'S NOT FAIR! YOU GUYS SAID THERE WAS A CHESSBOARD! WHERE'S THE CHESSBOARD!"   Joe is also the same kid who cried about having vegetables put on his pasta , and the school knows he overreacts to many things, so nobody paid much attention to him. But as the teacher, I couldn't just ignore him, so I tried to help him calm down.   I said to him, "Joe, please keep your voice down. We are in public. There are other people around."   He continued shouting, "BUT YOU GUYS SAID THERE WOULD BE A CHESSBOARD HERE! YOU LIED!"   His classmates replied, "Well, there WAS a chessboard here yesterday. But it's gone today. We don't know why either."   He started crying, "WHY DO THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE LIKE THAT!"   I then asked him to take deep breaths and waited for him to calm down a little. He started breathing through a paper bag and then squeezed and broke it with his hand.   After a while, I said, "OK, so there was a chessboard here yesterday, and today it's gone. Things are always changing in life, right? Have you ever told someone something, and then later you found out things changed? You didn't lie to them on purpose. Things changed and you didn't know."   He said, "But I came here for chess! Why do things have to change! I can't take it!"   I said, "Being upset doesn't help. Remember the story we read before about The Girl Who Has a Million Problems ? Who would she do?"   He said, "I don't know."   I said, "Maybe she would bring her own chessboard next time. And she would just go play soccer now."   He then started repeatedly saying, "IT'S NOT FAIR IT'S NOT FAIR IT'S NOT FAIR. I WANT CHESS NOW."   I then got annoyed and said, "What do you mean it's not fair? This park is not your park. Do you see those office buildings over there? The park belongs to them. They are generous to open it to the public. It's already a gift that we can use it. Also, please keep your voice down. If they hear you screaming, they might complain about our school, and then our school might get banned from the park because of your screaming. That would be very unfair to the school. So if you cannot be considerate of other people, then we cannot take you out for lunch recess."   He then started bawling even louder. I was at a loss for words, so I just let him cry until we went back to school.   Later in the last period of school, I was teaching Joe's class English. I prepared a story video with a worksheet.   Joe asked, "Can I have the jello that I forgot to get on Monday?"   I said, "No, I only give out jellos on Mondays when I talk about the chores that different students did at home over the past week."   He said, "But WHY. I forgot to collect it on Monday. Why can't I have it now? It's not fair!"   I then got annoyed and said, "You're right. It's not fair. Do you see any other teachers giving out jello? I spend my own money to buy these jello for students because I want to reward good behavior. But maybe I shouldn't buy any at all if students start demanding them as if they are entitled to them."   He then went silent. When I passed out a worksheet to him, he asked, "Can I not do this worksheet?"   I said, "No. Everyone is doing it."   He then started hyperventilating, crying, and saying, "I can't take it, I can't take it, I can't take it."   Other kids in the class got annoyed and said, "JOE! STOP ACTING LIKE A CRY BABY!"   I then realized I need to curb my impatience and guide the class to be patient. I told them, "OK everyone, Joe is feeling overwhelmed right now. Shouting at him is not helpful. Please give some helpful suggestions for Joe."   One student said, "How about Joe goes cry in the washroom?"   I said, "The washroom is not a nice place to tell someone to cry in."   Another student said, "What about in the counselor room next door? There are comfortable sofa chairs in there."   I said, "That's a good idea. Joe, would you like to go sit on the sofa chairs there and calm down?"   He didn't answer and just continued to whimper.   I said, "OK Joe, I'll give you two options. Option 1 is go to the counselor room next door and calm down, then come back. Option 2, if you think you can calm down here while I play the video, then you can stay. Which option do you want?"   He said, "I don't think I can get up."   I said, "OK, we'll do option 2 then."   I played the video for a few minutes, but Joe just kept crying and saying, "I can't take it. I can't take it. I can't take it." I then took Joe to the office and asked another teacher to help.   After around 15 minutes later, near the end of class, there was a knock at the door. I opened it and saw Joe with a smile on his face. The other teacher said, "Joe, what do you say?" Joe said, "Sorry" with a smile.   I was very surprised. How did Joe go from being out of control to suddenly happy in just 15 minutes? I asked Joe, "So, what happened?"   He said, "Uh I don't know. I guess I had a panic attack."   I said, "Oh. So how did you get better?"   He said with a cheeky smile, "I ate some cookies."   I was speechless. I know he loves food and takes food very seriously (which is why he had a tantrum over vegetables being put on his pasta before), but some cookies were enough to calm his panic attack? Wow.     Later after school, I asked that other teacher what she did to calm Joe down. She explained to me that at first, Joe just kept crying. She said, "Crying isn't helpful. You have to communicate calmly with me what you need." But he just kept crying and even hitting things.   She then asked him, "Joe, are you having a panic attack?"   Joe said, "Maybe?"   She decided to try to distract him. She said, "How about we go for a walk? There's a secret exit that I bet you've never taken before. You wanna check it out?"   He nodded.   She then took him through the back door that students normally aren't allowed to use. Outside, she tried to get his mind off whatever it was that made him so upset. She would say, "Look at the leaves on that tree! And that bird!" Joe then started to calm down and feel better.   After a short walk, they came back to school. As soon as they entered the back door, Joe started to cry again.   The teacher said, "Joe. Crying is not helpful. You have to tell me what's wrong or else I cannot help you."   Joe said, "I DON'T KNOW EITHER. I'M TIRED AND HUNGRY."   She said, "Great! That's very helpful! You're hungry right? We can fix that. Would you be interested in some cookies?"   Joe nodded.   She then got some oreos from the office. She said, "Did you know that if you break apart two oreo cookies, one side has cream while the other side doesn't? And then if you take two of the sides with cream and put them together, you get an extra thick cream oreo sandwich that's even more delicious than a regular oreo? Try it!"   Joe tried it and was really happy.   She then said, "OK, so that solves the hunger problem. You said you're tired. We have 5 more minutes until school ends. Do you want to just wait by the entrance for your dad to come pick you up?"   He said, "Well, I guess I should go back to class and say sorry."   She said, "Wow! OK, great!"     After hearing how this other teacher handled the situation, I reflected on myself and my problems. One of my weaknesses is that I overly focus on logic. I am training myself to become more emotionally intelligent and more empathetic, but clearly, I still have a long way to go.   If I had to summarize a key lesson from this incident, it would be this: "Sometimes, being right isn't helpful. Instead of focusing on what should  be, focus on what's helpful."   Image Source: ChatGPT So at the sports park, yes it's true that he is very loud and disturbing others. Yes it's true that his loud crying might result in complaints. Yes it's true that the school might get banned as a result of Joe's loud crying. But saying this to threaten him when he's already out of emotional control is not helpful. On the contrary, it's pouring oil on the fire. It just makes him feel even worse, causing him to cry even louder. Why didn't I realize this before I said those words?   The root of the problem is my attitude of opposition towards Joe, which created negative emotions like impatience, which then clouded my wisdom. I lacked the cultivation to remain calm and kind in the face of his negative emotions, and my negative emotions amplified his.   On the other hand, the other teacher was considerate towards Joe. When she saw him cry, she didn't think, "Come on! Again? You shouldn't be such a cry baby!" She told me that what she thought was, "What a poor kid. Crying like that is very harmful to his body. How can I help him feel better?"   If I could re-do that incident at the sports park, maybe I would say, "Weird that the chessboard is gone. Why don't we search around the entire park and see if they moved it somewhere else? I'll go with you." And then during the search, I might distract him with other things like "Hey that mini golf looks really fun! Do you want to take a break from the search and play a round first?"   To be able to do that, I need to re-wire my thoughts. I would remind myself that he doesn't like bawling either. It's not that he wants to annoy other people, he just can't control his overly strong emotions sometimes. In that moment, I should either try to make him feel safe and comforted, or get his attention off. Blaming or threatening isn't helpful.   This isn't to say that I don't let him know the seriousness of his loud crying on others. It's just that I need to wait for a suitable time to do it in the future, and at that time, we can also discuss how he could do better next time.   Conclusion Just because it's true doesn't mean we should say it. When people are emotional, focus on being helpful.   Or as Dr. Wayne Dyer said, "When given the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind." Weekly Wisdom #365

In his best-selling book Principles , multibillionaire Ray Dalio talks about the importance of knowing the objective strengths and weaknesses of yourself and others. To quote his words, “Just as people have different physical traits, people also have different psychological traits. Since our brains are biologically different, we all experience reality in different ways, and any one way is actually distorted. By getting multiple perspectives, we get closer to the truth. The better we know ourselves, the better we can recognize our blind spots and what we can or cannot change about ourselves. The better we know other people, the better we can predict their behavior and performance on certain tasks.” —Ray Dalio Ray Dalio uses psychometric assessments, and 16 Personalities is a great one because it is free and offers highly detailed insights. You can learn all about the 16 Personalities framework on their website , but my goal with this article is to summarize the key details, as well as real life examples to add color to the theory. Image Source This post will talk about Why personality profiles so useful Personality Traits in 1 6 Personalities The Four Roles The Four Strategies How I’ve used 16 Personalities in my life Frequently Asked Questions (You can click on a title to jump to that section) Part 1: Why Personality Profiles are so Useful Knowing your personality profile is extremely useful for three reasons: Self-Understanding : You can learn your objective strengths and weaknesses and those of others. Convenient : It’s a fast way to get a deep understanding of someone. Harmony : You can more easily embrace people’s differences rather than complain about them. First, you learn about your objective strengths and weaknesses. Successful and happy people invest most of their time and energy into their strengths. As for weaknesses, they just have to patch them up to the point where it’s not hindering their ability to pursue their strengths. All of this requires you to actually KNOW your strengths and weaknesses! As Dr. Alan Zimmerman said, "The more you know yourself, the more you can grow yourself." Most people only have a rough idea of a couple of strengths and weaknesses. But your personality profile gives you a detailed list with multiple strengths and weaknesses. When you read your strengths and weaknesses you probably think, “ Oh yeah that’s true. ” You might even think you don’t need a personality test to tell you. But if you didn’t read it, you wouldn’t have thought of all those strengths and weaknesses yourself. THAT’s why reading your personality profile is extremely valuable. With that knowledge, you can take steps towards optimizing your life for the better. Second, it’s a fast way to get a deep understanding of someone. Have you ever wished you could understand someone quickly? For example, maybe you have a new colleague or a new boss. It only takes 10-15 minutes for someone to do the personality survey and tell you their results. When you know their personality profile, you can predict their thinking and behavior. That means you can stop viewing people as “ super-hard-to-understand creatures ” and start seeing them as “ just another one of those. ” Third, when you understand yourself and others, it’s much easier to accept and embrace other people’s differences rather than fight over them. If you’re like me, you’ve wondered, “ Why are people so strange? Why aren’t people more like me? ” After learning about 16 Personalities, you realize people aren’t strange; they are predictable. And people aren’t more similar to you because their personality is different from yours. You understand their values (what’s important to them in life), and you learn to predict their behavior. This one is huge! Before learning about 16 Personalities, I would always think, “ Why can’t that person be as reliable/trustworthy/logical/whatever like me? ” After learning about 16 Personalities, I now think, “ That’s just her personality. You can’t change that about her. Plus, that personality trait has these strengths which are my weaknesses. ” I can also predict people’s thinking and behavior, so I don’t get annoyed or shocked when they do something that I previously would have thought, “ Why would anyone do that? ” Ultimately, understanding others allows us to stop always thinking about their weaknesses and why they annoy us, and instead focus on their strengths and how we can bring out more of their strengths in our relationship. When we focus on their strengths, we naturally will have a better, happier, and more productive relationship with them. Now that we’ve looked at why 16 Personalities is so useful, let’s get into the details of the test. Part 2: Personality Traits in 16 Personalities The 16 Personality test is a comprehensive personality test that measures five personality traits: Introverted versus Extraverted Observant versus Intuitive (or in simple words, Practical versus Imaginative) Thinking versus Feeling (or in simple words, Logical versus Emotional) Judging versus Prospecting (or in simple words, Planning versus Spontaneous) Assertive versus Turbulent (or in simple words, Self-assured versus Self-conscious) To find out your personality type, take the test here: English: https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test Chinese: https://www.16personalities.com/ch/ Given these 5 traits, there are a total of 32 possible combinations. The way 16 Personalities organizes these possible combinations is into 16 personality profiles. Each profile uses the first 4 traits, and then the 5th trait is added on at the end. So you can get a result like INTJ-T, which means Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, Judging, and Turbulent. INTJ is the personality profile. The “-T” is the additional add-on to the profile. Here is an overview of the 16 personality profiles: Image Source For the sake of time, I’m not going to go into the details for each of the 16 profiles (and certainly not the 32 possible combinations). I think it’s plenty enough to cover the 4 roles and the 4 strategies. Then you can read the profiles that interest you (probably your profile and those of a few close family members and friends). Alright, let’s get into the 5 traits. Trait 1: Introverted versus Extraverted This trait determines how we interact with our environment. Specifically, it determines what kind of environment energizes us and what kind of environment drains us. A lot of people misunderstand introversion and extraversion. They think that someone who likes to talk a lot is extraverted, and someone who is quiet is introverted. That’s not necessarily true. Introverted people lose energy from being with a group of people that they are not familiar with . In order to replenish their energy, they have to have alone time. Introverted people can be very talkative and energetic when they are just with a few close friends. Extraverted people gain energy from being with a group of people that they are not familiar with. They enjoy that social interaction. Being alone makes them lose energy and get restless. It’s very useful to know if someone is introverted or extraverted because the workplace and society is always full of social activities. Extraverts love them and will go to as many as they can. Introverts literally lose energy going to them, so they have to be selective. Introverts are great at sitting down alone and working or studying. Extraverts literally lose energy if they try to do that. That’s why they need to get up and go somewhere with people and talk to people to recover their energy. Once people understand this, they stop judging each other on their differences. Trait 2: Observant versus Intuitive This trait determines how we process information. Out of the five traits, this trait is probably the most difficult to understand. Observant people are highly practical and concrete, whereas Intuitive people are very imaginative and curious . Observant people like to focus on what is, while Intuitive people like to think about what could be. Intuitive people enjoy talking about what-if scenarios, while observant people see that as a waste of time. Observant people prefer to have habits, while Intuitive people prefer novelty . If you ask an Observant person, “ What do you want to do this weekend? ”, she might say, “ The usual. I need to clean the house and go to the park. ” Her answer is very practical and reflects her habits. If you ask an Intuitive person, “ What do you want to do this weekend? ”, he might say, “ Hmmm, I’d love to go watch a movie. There are so many good movie choices right now ." His answer is very open-minded and focuses on novelty. Observant people might get annoyed at Intuitive people for being so impractical and having weak habits, while Intuitive people get annoyed at Observant people for being so boring and too routine-focused. Observant people might also get frustrated at Intuitive types for implicating hidden meanings all the time, while Intuitive types might get frustrated at Observant types for being so numb to hidden or deeper meanings. Making good decisions requires creativity first to think of many options and possibilities. Then picking the best option requires practicality. If these two types can work together, they can make better decisions. Trait 3: Thinking versus Feeling This trait determines how we make decisions and handle emotions. Thinking-types are focused on logic . When making decisions, they prioritize logic over emotions. They tend to hide their feelings, and they view efficiency as more important than harmony with others. Feeling-types are focused on emotions and feelings . They are emotionally sensitive and expressive. They view harmony as more important than competition. Thinking-types might get annoyed at feeling types for being so illogical, while Feeling-types might get annoyed at Thinking-types for being cold and emotionally insensitive. For example, let’s say John is a Thinking-type and Mary is a Feeling-Type. Mary asks John, “ How does this dress look on me? ” John says, “ Don’t buy it. It makes you look fat. ” Mary gets upset and complains that John is so emotionally stupid. John gets upset and complains that Mary is too illogical. To make good decisions, often both logic and emotions are needed. If these two types could get along better, they would make better decisions together. Trait 4: Judging versus Prospecting This trait determines how we like to work. Judging-types like to make plans . They are very organized, and they want predictability and stability. They hate it when unexpected things come up and break their plans. Prospecting-types like to be spontaneous . They go with the flow. They’ll deal with whatever comes up when it comes up. They like to keep their options open and improvise on-the-spot. Judging-types might get annoyed at Prospecting-types for being irresponsible and never planning things out. Prospecting-types might get annoyed at Judging-types for being so rigid and closed to the full experience of life. If these two types could collaborate, then the Judging-type can make the plan, and then the Prospecting-type can improvise on-the-spot when unexpected changes happen. Trait 5: Assertive versus Turbulent This trait shows how confident we are in our abilities and decisions. It is highly related to self-esteem (how we feel about ourselves). Assertive people are self-assured and resistant to stress . They don’t worry too much, and they don’t push themselves too hard to achieve things. Turbulent people are very self-conscious and sensitive to stress. They are very perfectionistic and eager to improve. They are likely to experience emotional roller-coasters (high ups and low downs). Assertive people might think that Turbulent people worry too much and are too critical of themselves and others. Turbulent people might think Assertive people are too self-confident and too laid back. Ultimately, we need a balance between self-confidence and self-cautiousness. Now that you know about the 5 personality traits in the 16 Personalities test, you can already see how useful it is to know your individual traits for each of the five. But we can get even more useful information when we combine the traits together. Part 3: The Four Roles Your 16 Personalities Role tells you about your goals, interests, values, and preferred activities. There are four roles (personality groups): Analysts [_ N T _ -_] ————— logical and enterprising Diplomats [_ N F _ -_] ———— compassionate and caring Sentinels [_ S _ J -_] ————— hardworking and dutiful Explorers [_ S _ P -_] ————— curious and fun-seeking Here is an overview of the four roles: Analysts The four Analyst profiles: Analysts all have the intuitive and thinking traits . They value logic, curiosity, independence, and problem-solving. They focus on logic when making decisions. They have a strong drive to learn and improve on their flaws. They are very selective about their friends and would rather spend time alone than with someone who isn’t compatible with them. They like to solve problems and are very confident in their problem-solving abilities. Analysts are strong at logical problem-solving, taking initiative, and finding creative solutions. The main challenge for Analysts is social relationships and maintaining harmony. Diplomats The four Diplomat profiles: Diplomats all have the intuitive and feeling traits . They value social connection, harmony, belonging, altruism (taking care of others and the world), justice, and purpose. They would rather cooperate than compete with others. They seek to make the world a better place. They can see beauty in life, and they get inspired by art, music, and theater. Diplomats need feelings of belonging and worry about being alone. They want to have a partner and a few good friends. Diplomats are strong at empathy and counseling. They bring warmth and harmony to people. A big challenge for Diplomats is to balance being real and authentic with their desire to belong. They are also very idealistic, and their high expectations for themselves and others can set themselves up for disappointment. They also struggle to just take action because they spend so much time in their imagination. Sentinels The four Sentinel profiles: Sentinels all have the observant and judging (planning) traits . They value cooperation, practicality, stability, wisdom, kindness, carefulness, and planning ahead. Sentinels work hard and get things done on time. They strive to never let others down, and they take pride in their character and competence. They are self-motivated and they hope to offer stability and wisdom to others. Sentinels are great at being reliable, caring, and conscientious. They are also great at planning. Sentinels are weak in situations without clear rules or in fast-changing situations. They also tend to be stubborn and don’t like drama in relationships. Sentinels often expect others to be just as conscientious and reliable as them, and this unrealistic expectation can set themselves up for disappointment. Explorers The four Explorer profiles: Explorers all have the observant and prospecting (spontaneous) traits . They value self-reliance, adaptability, quick-thinking, novelty, and fun. Unlike the other types, Explorers love handling uncertain situations. They usually just want something to work rather than making it perfect, but if they get really interested in something, they can get extremely focused on the details. They enjoy learning about different tools and techniques, from instruments to emergency response techniques. They look for balance between work and leisure. Explorers are strong at quick-thinking and bringing fun and excitement to relationships. When they are very passionate about something, they will devote 100% effort to it. Explorers are weak at planning for the future. They often like to take risks just for the fun of it. They are also weaker in rigid environments such as school because they find these environments too boring and restrictive. Part 4: The Four Strategies Your 16 Personalities Strategy tells you how you prefer to do things and achieve goals. There are four strategies: Confident Individualism [I _ _ _ -A] ———— private and self-assured People Mastery [E _ _ _-A] ———————— outgoing and confident Constant Improvement [I _ _ _-T] ————— introspective and sensitive Social Engagement [E _ _ _-T] —————— friendly and driven Here is an overview of the four strategies: Confident Individualism Confident Individualists have the introverted and assertive traits. They have trust in themselves and their abilities, and they don’t feel the need to show-off or prove themselves to other people. They value independence and prefer working alone rather than working in groups. Confident Individualists are strong at independence and self-confidence. On the flip side, their self-assuredness can lead to complacency. Since they don’t push others to change, they also don’t want others to push them to change. People Mastery People Mastery types have the extraverted and assertive traits. They are energized by social interactions and challenging experiences. They enjoy traveling to see new things, people, and places. They see problems and opportunities and they like to team up with others to chase those opportunities. These people need to find a healthy balance between their ambition and seeking social connection. Although they don’t need people’s approval, they still do want it from close family and friends. People Mastery types are great at handling stress and having courage to face challenges and criticisms. They are also great at collaborating with people and helping them bring out their strengths. A weakness for them is that they can get overconfident in themselves and push themselves past their limits. People Mastery types say what they think and mean what they say. They are very real and honest, which can be both good and bad. It’s important for them to learn to speak honestly without being rude. Constant Improvement Constant Improvers have the introverted and turbulent traits. They are sensitive people who enjoy having their own space and freedom. They get stressed out when dealing with tense environments or new situations. They might feel that something is missing from their lives, even if their lives are fine in reality. Constant Improvers have a strong drive to do well (a strength), but that comes with a strong fear of failure (a weakness). They view success and perfection as a big part of their identity, so even small mistakes can be emotionally crushing for them, and they tend to dwell on past mistakes for a long time. Constant Improvers are also very sensitive, which again can be a strength and a weakness. As a strength, they are great listeners and friends. As a weakness, they get insecure over other people’s opinions; 96% of Constant Improvers say that they feel misunderstood. To excel, Constant Improvers need to learn to trust themselves as much as they trust other people’s opinions. They hope to get rewards, awards, recognition, and positive feedback for their good work. Social Engagement Social Engagers have the extraverted and turbulent traits. They tend to act fast with their gut feeling and then think about it later. They enjoy social status and being the center of attention. They are energized by interacting with others and they love it when they help make other people’s day better. Social Engagers are strong at helping others and being bold. One weakness is that Social Engagers might hide their true selves and pretend to be someone else to impress others. The interesting thing about Social Engagers is that their extraversion and turbulent traits kind of go against each other. Extraversion brings confidence and boldness, whereas Turbulence brings self-doubt and caution. When Social Engagers get better at managing themselves, they can use their extraversion to get over self-doubt, and they can use their turbulence to be more careful. Part 5: How I’ve Used 16 Personalities in My Own Life I’ve used 16 Personalities to Better understand myself Improve harmony with others Quickly learn about new people I meet Better Understand Myself Before I took personality tests seriously, I wasn’t crystal clear on my strengths and weaknesses. I remember preparing for interviews, and one of the questions that I had to prepare an answer for was “ Tell me about your strengths and weaknesses. ” I knew I’m very hardworking, but I also felt like everyone is hardworking. I also knew I’m logical. That’s about it. As for weaknesses, it was very hard to think of any. I was like most people, unaware of my weaknesses. After I learned that I’m ISTJ-T, I learned that my strengths are honest and direct, strong-willed and dutiful, very responsible, calm and practical, orderly, jack-of-all-trades. When I read the list, I thought, “ Oh yeah that’s really true! ” Then I read my weaknesses: stubborn, insensitive, always by the book, judgmental, often unreasonably blame themselves. When I read the list, I thought, “ Oh actually a lot of people have told me I’m stubborn. I used to think others are illogical so I kept trying to rationalize with them. I guess that’s why they see me as stubborn and insensitive. I am quite by-the-book. I do get annoyed by people a lot and can’t understand them. I do blame myself a lot. ” Now that I know my strengths, I focus on them. I tell my manager and colleagues that I’m very dependable and hardworking. Before, I felt like it was pointless and empty to say such a thing because I thought everyone tries to be dependable and hardworking. But now I realize that my personality type is especially dependable and hardworking, much more so than the other personality types. So I feel very comfortable and even obliged to make my strengths known so that I can contribute my best to the team. Now that I know my weaknesses, I try to catch myself falling prey to them. For example, if someone starts disagreeing with me, before I would have instinctively started to debate logic with them. But I’ve now practiced focusing on harmony over being right. In fact, I adopted the motto that harmony is always right. That comes naturally to a Feeling-type. I’m a Thinking-type, so I had to practice it to be able to do it consistently. I’m also a turbulent type so I’ve had to learn and practice creating a stable self-esteem. For example, I’ve had to learn and practice to focus on effort and growth instead of results. I’ve had to learn and practice getting clear on my values and judging myself on my values instead of by what others think of me. Whereas an assertive type naturally doesn’t worry too much about what others think. That brings me to another point. When reading my personality profile, I got clear on some of my natural values. Before doing this personality test, I set some values for myself like respect, excellence, growth, responsibility and service. Then I read that Sentinels value cooperation, practicality, stability, wisdom, kindness, carefulness, and planning ahead. I thought, “ Oh wow. True. I didn’t think of those when making my list, but I do indeed care about those a lot. ” The values that I set actually match the values of Sentinels really well, and that’s not a lucky coincidence. I think many people are not clear on their values, so knowing which role and profile you are is a great tool to help you get clear on them. Increase Harmony with Others It’s not easy to guess someone’s personality profile, so you’re better off just asking them to do the survey, which only takes 10–15 minutes anyway. A lot of conflict happens in relationships because of unrealistic or ungrounded expectations for each other. For example, a Sentinel type might get unhappy at an Explorer type for not being reliable and not staying true to their word. An Explorer type might get unhappy at a Sentinel type for being too rigid and by-the-book. Once we understand that our brains are wired differently, resulting in different personalities, with different strengths and weaknesses, we stop expecting others to be someone they are not. Below are some examples of people who I’ve analyzed and had a better relationship with as a result. I could list many examples, but I think three should be enough. Example 1: Turbulent Advocate (INFJ-T) Family Member A family member often clings to past disappointments and exaggerates the emotional impact of those events. I got annoyed that this person kept doing it. Then I read the person’s profile: INFJ-T. The profile literally says: “Turbulent Advocates are more willing to exaggerate the impact of something that bothers them or hurts the people they care about. People with this personality type often interpret things as being far worse than they are. But such exaggeration is rarely on purpose or about dishonesty. It’s more a reflection of their tendency to hold more negative views of things.” Wow. Before, I thought, “ Why is this person always bringing up the past and making it seem like such a big deal? ” Now, I think, “ Oh look, it’s that weakness of the Turbulent Advocate personality. It’s not right or wrong. That person has strengths that go along with that weakness. That person is altruistic and creative and passionate. ” Example 2: Turbulent Debater (ENTP-T) Friend This friend often seeks social activities, which I never understood until I learned about introversion versus extraversion. As an introvert, I can stay at home alone for a week with no problems. But now I know that extraverts would find that extremely stressful. They seek social contact and external stimulation to keep their batteries charged. This friend also always has many ideas, and he loved debating the pros and cons of different ideas. But he’s very slow to act on his ideas. He also gets bored easily. Later, when I read his profile, it literally says “Very Argumentative — If there’s anything Debaters enjoy, it’s the mental exercise of debating an idea.” “Can Find It Difficult to Focus — The same flexibility that allows Debaters to come up with such original plans and ideas makes them readapt perfectly good ones far too often, or to even drop them entirely as the initial excitement wanes and newer thoughts come along. Boredom comes too easily for Debaters, and fresh thoughts are the solution, though not always a helpful one.” Funnily enough, when I told him about his personality characteristics, he literally started debating about whether those are true or not. From reading his profile, I also became more aware of his strengths. He’s a very fast thinker, energetic, and charismatic. These are all traits I don’t have, so when we work together, we can complement each other, especially now that I’m aware of our different strengths and appreciate them. Example 3: Turbulent Adventurer (ISFP-T) Colleague This colleague often attended informal workplace social events even when he didn’t want to. I couldn’t understand. He also often cancelled plans last minute or invited me to last minute plans. When I found out about his personality profile, I understood: The Turbulent aspect makes him care a lot about what other people think The Explorer aspect makes him seek fun and novelty The Prospecting aspect makes him very spontaneous and unpredictable By reading his profile, I also became more aware of his strengths: artistic (he sings and writes songs), charming, and imaginative. These are all weaknesses for me, so we complement each other well. He also often talks about doing things like opening a hammock café or making a career out of voice acting, which is his hobby. As a Judging type, I keep trying to get him to make a plan or schedule for when he will get into voice acting. But he’s a Prospecting type, so it’s not very useful for me to keep pushing him to plan. Now that I understand these differences between our personalities, I don’t have any ungrounded expectations for him. Part 6: Frequently Asked Questions Question 1: When I do the 16 Personalities test multiple times, I get different results. Can I fall into multiple profiles? The short answer is no. The longer answer is, most people fit firmly into one profile, while some people might have some characteristics of a second profile. Firstly, it’s very important that you answer the questions honestly and not answer what you think you should say or what you ideally want to be. Just be completely honest. I actually suggest doing the test multiple times and see how consistent your results are. Secondly, people exhibit characteristics of their profile to different degrees. For example, let’s say Person A is 51% Introverted, 51% Observant, 51% Thinking, and 51% Judging, and Person B is 88% Introverted, 88% Observant, 88% Thinking, and 88% Judging. Both of them are ISTJ, so both of them are Logisticians. But Person B exhibits the characteristics of Logistician much more. Now, most people will probably be obviously more dominant in most of the 5 traits, but perhaps in 1 or maybe 2 of the traits, they’ll fall closer to the 50/50 split. Question 2: The personality profile result I get doesn’t seem to accurately describe me. Is the test wrong? It’s probably not the test that is inaccurate but more likely your answers were inaccurate. People might get inaccurate results because they misunderstood questions in the test, which then resulted in them picking answers that don’t truly reflect themselves. If your results don’t seem accurate, try to do the test again and go slower, making sure you understand each question. Other times, people might choose an answer that they think should be the answer rather than just being completely honest. In that case, re-do the test and just be completely honest with your answers. Also, if any of your 5 traits fall close to the 50/50 mark, try looking at the other profile. For example, if you are INFJ, but you are 55% I and 45%E, and you feel like the INFJ profile doesn’t fit you, try looking at the ENFJ profile. That one might fit you much better. Question 3: Can people’s personality change over time? Most likely not. People can compensate for their traits, but they can’t change their inherent nature. For example, someone who is a Thinking type can learn emotional intelligence, but they are still naturally a Thinking type; their first instinct is to use logic. Another example: someone who is an introvert can learn social skills and appear to be an extrovert, but at the end of the day, they will get drained by all those social interactions and need alone time to recharge. Question 4: So, if I know someone’s 16 Personalities profile, does that mean I know pretty much everything about their personality? No. While 16 Personalities is comprehensive, it doesn’t tell you everything about them. To get an even better understanding of people, you should learn about their values. For example, a Debater who values being of service to others will behave differently from a Debater who values looking smart. Another useful personality framework I use in conjunction with 16 Personalities is the Four Tendencies. That framework looks specifically at how people respond to expectations.

Previously, we looked at the DISC personality framework, which tells us how to communicate with others and how people prefer to do work. This article will talk about another personality framework: The Four Tendencies. This framework was developed by Gretchen Rubin, an American writer who studies happiness. She wrote a whole book on it. This personality test is useful because it answers the question, “ How do I get people—including myself—to do what I want them to do? ” The Four Tendencies test is a narrow personality test that measures two things: How readily you meet inner expectations How readily you meet outer expectations Inner expectations are things you expect of yourself. A common example is a New Year’s resolution. If you can easily meet goals that you set for yourself, then you readily meet inner expectations. Outer expectations are things that other people expect from you. A common example is a friend asking you to go to the gym with him/her to exercise together. If you tend to do things because other people asked you to (especially when you don’t really want to), then you readily meet outer expectations. There are four possible personality types in the Four Tendencies: Upholder: readily meets inner and outer expectations Questioner: readily meets inner expectations only Obliger: readily meets outer expectations only Rebel: resists both inner and outer expectations You can take a formal quiz here: https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com/ Or you can pick a statement that matches you: Upholder : I love routines, and people think I’m extremely disciplined. Questioner : I love researching, and people sometimes say that I ask “Why?” too much. Obliger : I put others ahead of me, and I value harmony in relationships. Rebel : I value freedom and choice; I do what I want to do, when I want to do it. Mottos for each Tendency According to a representative sample, the distribution of the tendencies is 41% Obligers, 24% Questioners, 19% Upholders, and 17% Rebels. This article will explain each tendency in detail, then look at examples of applying the Four Tendencies in real life, and then answer some FAQs. If you are a Rebel or Obliger, I strongly encourage you to learn about your Tendency because traditional advice often does not work for these two Tendencies. Here's a click-able table of contents to help you navigate the article: 1: Upholder Strengths and Weaknesses Working with Yourself as an Upholder Working with an Upholder 2: Questioner Strengths and Weaknesses Working with Yourself as a Questioner Working with a Questioner 3: Obliger Strengths and Weaknesses Working with Yourself as an Obliger Working with an Obliger 4: Rebel Strengths and Weaknesses Working with Yourself as a Rebel Working with a Rebel 5: How I've Applied the Four Tendencies in My Life 6: Frequently Asked Questions 1. Upholder: Discipline is My Freedom. Upholders readily meet inner and outer expectations. They are highly disciplined and love schedules, rules, and routines. Strengths and Weaknesses of Upholders For strengths, Upholders are highly productive and can easily form habits. They rarely have trouble getting themselves to do things. For weaknesses, they might seem rigid and cold because they don't like changing plans, and they usually prioritize meeting their needs over other people's needs. They might also experience upholder-tightening, which is when they start a new habit and can't relax. For example, they start a habit of walking 10,000 steps, and even when they have a really busy day, they'll stay up late at night to finish that goal. Working with Yourself as an Upholder Upholders might find themselves with too many things to do, and feel like they're not getting the important things done. To overcome this problem, clearly articulate your priorities, and perhaps have different to-do lists rather than one big one. Working with Upholders When working with Upholders, it's important to give them prior notice. As long as they have enough time to help you, they usually will. 2. Questioners: I'll comply...If you convince me why. Questioners turn all outer expectations into inner expectations if they believe its reasonable and efficient. Thus, Questioners only meet inner expectations. Some random characteristics of Questioners: They hate waiting in line, they love spreadsheets, and they love sharing articles. “Questioners have the self-direction of Upholders, the reliability of Obligers, and the authenticity of Rebels.” — Gretchen Rubin Strengths and Weaknesses of Questioners Questioners excel at being logical and efficient in everything they do. But they can also be viewed as annoying for their constant questioning unless they are very socially adept when asking those questions. They also need to be wary of analysis-paralysis , which is when they spend too long researching that they take action too late. Working with Yourself as a Questioner Questioners are generally pretty happy with themselves, but they can get frustrated at others for doing things that seem illogical or inefficient. To overcome this frustration, just remind yourself that you are only 24% of the population. If you need to do something that you think is illogical or inefficient, you can always tell yourself, " Maybe this task is illogical/inefficient, but it's important to someone I care about or respect. So I will do it for them. " If you find yourself getting into analysis-paralysis, simply give yourself a deadline. Working with a Questioner Questioners can add value to relationships and organizations by ensuring people don’t unthinkingly accept expectations that aren’t justified or efficient. The key with Questioners is justification. Once they accept an expectation, you can count on them to deliver (and maybe even improve upon a process for you.) Ironically, many Questioners resist being questioned because they think, “ If I made this decision, I obviously researched it thoroughly. It’s not my fault if you didn’t do your research on the topic. ” Questioners also hate questions that are a waste of time. Their first thought is always, “ Why should I bother answering this question? ” If, upon reflection, you realize your question doesn’t really need to be answered, then let it go. If the question is important, then ask the Questioner to share their thought process and logic. They enjoy that. 3. Obligers: You can count on me...and I'm counting on you to count on me! Obligers NEED outer accountability to meet any inner expectation. For this reason, they gain the most from learning about their tendency. “ When what others expect from Obligers is what they expect from themselves, they have the life they want. ” – Gretchen Rubin Strengths and Weaknesses of Obligers Obligers are the easiest tendency to get along with because they are naturally harmonious. But they often get frustrated at themselves for being unable to meet internal goals and may struggle with self-care. Working with Yourself as an Obliger It’s worth mentioning again that Obligers NEED outer accountability to meet an inner goal. It’s not a sign of weakness; it’s just different wiring in the brain. Fortunately, there’s always ways to create accountability. Obligers also vary dramatically in what makes them feel accountable. For some Obligers, a simple phone reminder may be enough. For others, they may need supervision or monitoring from others. Here are some ideas for creating accountability: Deadlines to someone else whose opinion you care about Monitoring via an app or a person (like a paid coach) Thinking of yourself as a role model to those around you Thinking of what your “future self” would expect of your “current self” Spending someone else’s money for a class/course (rather than your own money) Getting an accountability partner (like a gym buddy or a reading buddy) Unfortunately, Obligers are often taken advantage of, which leads to resentment. If an Obliger is faced with prolonged expectations that are unfair, unrealistic, nagging, or makes them feel taken for granted , an Obliger can fall into Obliger-Rebellion . When this happens, they will stop meeting all expectations and often do sudden and dramatic things like ending a marriage with an ungrateful spouse or quitting a job due to unfair treatment. After a period of time, even if nothing changes, the Obliger-Rebellion will end and the Obliger will go back to normal, but those burnt bridges will be forever burnt. To prevent Obliger-Rebellion, Obligers must stand up for themselves. This can be very hard as its against their nature. Unfortunately, Obligers can't count on other tendencies to stand up for them because they are all used to standing up for themselves (so they expect you to do the same). If you want to be free of these unfair expectations, the simple act of bringing it up in a conversation can often be enough. If you are struggling to say no to other people despite feeling overwhelmed, you can remind yourself that saying no to someone is actually saying yes to someone else or something else that's more important. Working with an Obliger Obligers are like the adhesive in a relationship or a team. They bring people together and focus on maintaining good relationships. Just be careful to not take advantage of them. As mentioned earlier, Obligers are often taken advantage of, so we need to do our part in making sure they are treated fairly. If you are unsure if you are taking advantage of someone, simply ask yourself, " If I was in their shoes, would I feel like I'm being treated unfairly or taken advantage of? " If the answer is yes, the Obliger probably feels that way too but just isn't speaking up. Help fix the unfairness to mitigate the risk of Obliger-Rebellion. When you ask an Obliger to do something, remember to give them a deadline. Even if you don't think it's necessary, Obligers need it to feel motivated to start. One special situation with Obligers is that they might not meet the expectations of their spouse or close partner. That's because they see their spouse as so close to them that they ignore their expectations just like how they ignore their own expectations! The solution is to talk about it and become aware of it. That might fix it. If not, then look for other sources of accountability. 4. Rebels: You can't make me...and neither can I. Rebels do what they want to do, in their own way, and on their own time. If someone else tells them to do the exact same thing, they will resist. They don’t even want to tell themselves to do something. They prefer to act from freedom , choice , and self-expression . Strengths and Weaknesses of Rebels Rebels are naturally authentic and enjoy overcoming challenges. Since Rebels resist all expectations, they may be viewed as inconsiderate or uncooperative. Rebels also might struggle with themselves because conventional advice doesn’t work for them. They are told to set goals and to get outer accountability by all the other tendencies, but those things actually make it harder for Rebels to do things. Working with Yourself as a Rebel Rebels can do anything they want to do, so self-understanding is key for Rebels. They should get clarity on their values and use their values as decision criteria for whether or not to do things. For example, “ I am a good partner, so I will take responsibility for my fair share of chores regardless of what my partner wants me to do. ” A Rebel can sometimes feel unproductive because the thought of having to do things makes them not want to do it anymore. The solution is to re-frame the tasks as a choice , challenge , or game . For example, instead of making a to-do list, a Rebel can make a could-do list and just do the things they feel like doing at that time. Another idea is to put a bunch of tasks on small folded-pieces of paper in a bowl. Then draw randomly from the bowl and do that item. This makes it a game of chance, but you can still be very productive this way. When others ask Rebels to do something, they can feel less motivated to do it even if they originally wanted to do it. In these situations, a Rebel can remember, “ I’m free to do something even if someone else wants me to do it. ” After all, not doing something because someone else asked is just as un-free as doing it because someone asked. Working with a Rebel The other tendencies tend to lack understanding for Rebels, making everyone’s lives harder. When communicating with rebels, we should use this sequence: Information-Consequence-Choice. Here is an example of what a school counselor might say to a Rebel student who doesn’t want to do her volunteer hours: “ To graduate high school, students must complete 100 volunteer hours. Students who start earlier as a freshman of sophomore have more choices about projects and when to do it. The longer students wait, the less choices they have. I know seniors who lost their spring break because they had to spend that time doing their service hours. My door is open whenever you'd like to talk about choosing a service project .” After giving the Information-Consequence-Choice message, don't monitor or nag them. They do best without supervision. If a Rebel refuses to do something, don't save them from the consequences . They need to experience the painful consequences for them to learn the importance of something. Another way to motivate a Rebel is to challenge their identity . For example, instead of asking them to stop being late, say “ Why do you keep being late? That’s just so inconsiderate! ” If the Rebel doesn’t want to be seen as inconsiderate by you, he/she will likely be on time in the future. A third way to motivate a Rebel is to challenge their ability . For example, you can say, “ Well, it’s hard for many people to stay fit and healthy these days, so I’m not surprised you’re struggling too. ” A statement like that may light a fire within a Rebel to prove themselves capable of overcoming that challenge. How I’ve Applied the Four Tendencies to My Life I know the tendencies of everyone that’s important to me or that I have to interact with on a regular basis. This allows me to predict their behavior in terms of responding to their inner and outer expectations. Example 1: Mom, Upholder I realized my mom is an Upholder because she always preaches rules to me, she loves to-do lists and calendars, she’s very uptight about planning and wanting things to go as planned, and she gets things done fast. I also used to get frustrated when she’d preach to me what her family thinks about my non-traditional career path. As a Questioner, I got frustrated because their opinions are illogical to me. But now, I know that my mom is influenced a lot more by the opinions of others because she’s an Upholder. To increase harmony, I simply accept her for her Upholder nature, and I comply with her expectations, even if it's illogical or inefficient at times, because she's important to me. Harmony is king. I can communicate logic later when we are both in a good mood. Example 2: Obliger Friends I have a few good friends who are Obligers. They are very easy to get along with, as expected. When my Obliger friends tell me about a goal they have, I try to hold them accountable for it and tell them I’ll follow up with them because I know they need outer accountability. I don’t get frustrated at them anymore if they talk about something they’ve wanted to do for a while but just haven’t started. I know it’s because they lacked outer accountability and not because they’re lazy. Example 3: Questioner Colleagues I have a few colleagues that I have to work with regularly who are Questioners. It’s so easy for me because I’m a Questioner too. I know they don’t mind my thorough justifications and focus on efficiency. One time, a Questioner was trying to fix the print view of a document. She wanted it to fit the full page, but she couldn’t figure out how. She bothered other colleagues (mostly Obligers), and they couldn’t figure it out either. She was stuck and bothering people for at least 30 minutes. They tried to tell her to just move on, but she wouldn’t listen. That’s because she’s a Questioner, and Questioners only respond to inner expectations. Eventually I noticed the situation and went to talk to her. I said, “ Are the margins a problem? ” She said, “ Yes. It looks bad. ” I said, “ Will the client not accept this if the print version has big margins? ” She said no. I asked, “ Will the client even care if the print version has big margins. No they won’t. So you don’t need to waste any more of your time on this unimportant issue! ” She had an “Aha” moment and stopped worrying about it. As a Questioner, she needed to understand very clearly WHY she should stop worrying about this task. Example 4: Rebel Friends My Rebel friends are probably the most fun and interesting to be with because they’re very spontaneous and like to try new things. It’s also very hard to get them to commit to a plan. If I ask them, “ Do you want to go for dinner on Saturday? ” I’m likely to get a response along the lines of, “ I’ll see how I feel Saturday night. ” To a Rebel, the question seems so restricting in terms of timing and what we’d do. I now know it’s better to be less specific and appeal to their identity. So I might ask, “ Do you wanna hang out this weekend? Maybe Saturday? We should do something fun! ” This way, they have choice in the timing and what we do. FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions) 1. Is there a best Tendency? Isn’t Upholder the best? No. Each tendency has their own strengths and weaknesses. The happiest, wealthiest, and most productive people are those who built a life that leverages their strengths and figured out how to work around their weaknesses. 2. Can I change my Tendency? No. Besides, why would you even want to? No tendency is better than another. 3. Can I be multiple Tendencies at one? No. People fit squarely into one of the four tendencies. If you want to get into more detail, then technically, people fit into one of 8 primary-secondary combinations: Upholder-Questioner Upholder-Obliger Obliger-Upholder Obliger-Rebel Questioner-Upholder Questioner-Rebel Rebel-Obliger Rebel-Questioner Basically, you can lean towards a neighboring Tendency, but you cannot lean towards an opposite Tendency. Image Source For example, a Questioner-Upholder is more likely to meet outer expectations than a Questioner-Rebel. 4. Doesn’t everyone fit into every Tendency? Everyone responds to logic (not just Questioners). Everyone meets expectations if it’s important to someone we care about (not just Obligers and Upholders). Everyone desires freedom of choice (not just Rebels). But your tendency tells you your primary response driver to the question, “How do you respond to inner and outer expectations?” 5. Are there specific career choices that fit each Tendency best? Any Tendency can do well at any career. The most productive and innovative workplaces have all four Tendencies. If you are already in a certain career, figure out how you can use your Tendency to suit that career. That being said, there are certain career fields that may suit certain Tendencies. For example, fields that reward question asking, like in the academic field, might naturally suit Questioners. Fields like entrepreneurship, where you get lots of freedom and have to carve your own path, might naturally suit Rebels.

Today marks the seven year anniversary of the Weekly Wisdom Newsletter! In honour of this milestone, I will summarize my top seven articles from the past year: Wisdom From A Filial Piety Paragon: Xihai Wang The Importance of Etiquette in Daily Life Attachment, Suffering, and Letting Go How to Flow Freely in Life My Year of Practicing Selflessness TCM: Health and Emotions Mr. More Or Less   1: Wisdom From A Filial Piety Paragon: Xihai Wang Of all virtues, filial piety comes first. Mr. Wang is well-known and respected for his utmost filial piety, and I was extremely honoured to have had the opportunity to ask him questions. Image Source The most memorable thing from my meeting with him was that he changed my thinking about one of my problems: being annoyed at parents' unfair criticism. In the past, I would just tell myself that I need to cultivate humility and empathy. But my empathy was very limited. Mr. Wang helped me elevate that empathy. The first thing he told me is, "You need to live a better and happier life."  That was really surprising to me and even seemed a bit off topic. But he then continued to explain.   He told me that no parent tries to unfairly criticize us. Chances are, they are worried about us, and in their worry, they lose logic, their worries spiral, and they start criticizing a bit excessively. It's because they love us that they would worry about us.   Yes, they have problems and could manage their negative emotions better, but so what? Do you expect them to be perfect? Do most people you see have perfect control over emotions and don't worry about their children? Do you really think you could do better? So stop demanding so much and cherish them while you still can. Live a great life, be happy, and your parents will naturally stop criticizing and instead be even happier than you for your success.   2: The Importance of Etiquette in Daily Life When it comes to cultivation, Confucianism emphasizes etiquette as the starting point.  Our etiquette weaves through the fabric of daily life, from simple greetings to high-stake conversations. Oftentimes, etiquette seems like a small thing, but these small things happen so frequently that they quickly accumulate to become a big thing.   Image Source We live in an interconnected society, and relationships are key to our happiness, work, and livelihood. If we have poor etiquette, people will dislike us and distance away from us. Worse, they might even resent us or harm us. If we have good etiquette, we would have good relationships with others and be welcomed by all. If we have excellent etiquette, we might even touch others' hearts and earn their devotion.   Ultimately, the spirit of etiquette is respect and consideration for others, but simply knowing this at an intellectual level might not help us apply the spirit into the details of daily life. The rules of etiquette is like an accumulated body of experience on how people applied respect and consideration into daily life. When we learn and practice these etiquette, we increase our level of etiquette and absorb its spirit into our essence.   In that article, I listed some common rules of etiquette as a starting point, and I plan to do many more articles on etiquette in the future. I also created a new category on the blog titled "etiquette" and added past articles to the category.   3: Attachment, Suffering, and Letting Go This article was in my drafts for many years. The concepts of attachment and letting go are absolutely core in Buddhism and Stoicism, and they are key to a happy life and spiritual cultivation. The concepts might seem pretty straightforward, but they do have important nuances and misunderstandings. The major misunderstanding is that detachment equals apathy. In actuality, detachment means letting loose of our mental grip towards something; we can still hold it and use it if needed, but we are also fine to let it go if we don't need it. It gives us a sense of ease and peace. Although we might intellectually know that we should let go of things, anyone who's really tried to practice this knows that it's not easy. In that article, I explained five principles to letting go along with my own experience: See the truth Control the controllables and let go of the rest Embrace reality (versus merely accepting it) Practice selflessness (to treat the root problem) Understand karma and accord with the conditions   4: How to Flow Freely in Life Water is revered in Daoism, and we ought to emulate the flowing nature of water. The concept of flow has high relevance to the Buddhist concept of "according with conditions", but the Daoist wording would be "going with their flow" and "re-directing their flow tactfully".   Image Source: ChatGPT Oftentimes, when we have conflict, we might try to fight head-on, like rock against rock. That just results in both sides getting hurt. When water encounters rock, it yields to the rock and flows around it. When others are very stubborn like rock, we can temporarily go with their flow with a future plan of re-directing their flow tactfully towards the direction that we want.   That article gives some detailed examples with explanations. When we can emulate water and flow freely in life, life would be a pleasure to go through!   5: My Year of Practicing Selflessness In the past, I did the 21-Day No Complaint Challenge  and found it very beneficial. This time, I wanted to go a step further by not only not complaining, but also helping others wholeheartedly. I also wanted to get some deeper insights, so I practiced for a whole year before writing about my learnings.   In my practice, I found five major ways to practice selflessness that suited me: Putting others before me and above me Empathy Advising others Etiquette Thinking of the bigger picture   It wasn't easy at first, but I got better over time. I also gained deep joy from my practice, such as when I put my classmates' success above mine, and then I felt even happier for their success than them. Or when I waited a long time for a suitable moment to advise a person, and when it finally came unexpectedly, and that person accepted my advice happily, I felt very happy for her.   6: TCM: Health and Emotions Health is the foundation of our lives. If we have poor health, we can't do anything. But many of us might not know that emotions play a big role in our physical health. Dr. Clara Cohen, host of the Acupro Academy podcast, often says, "70% of chronic issues according to TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) are related to emotional stress. It could be years of the same emotions, like worry, overthinking, trauma, fear, anxiety; all those things change us at the cellular level and make us sick."   That article covered the impact of various emotions (namely anger, joy, sadness, worry, pensiveness, fear, and shock) on the body. It also provided advice for nurturing the mind and regulating negative emotions, all of which align with the teachings from ancient philosophies. In other words, self-cultivation isn't just good for the soul and mind, but also for our physical health!   7: Mr. More Or Less Perhaps the funniest and wittiest story on the blog to date.   Conclusion This year was quite a milestone year! I published some keystone articles on Confucianism (etiquette), Buddhism and Stoicism (attachment and letting go), as well as Daoism (how to flow freely). I also got advice from a filial piety paragon, added the 11th article to my TCM series, and wrote my wittiest story. Thank you to all readers for your support, and let's continue to nurture our wisdom and cultivation in the upcoming year! Weekly Wisdom #364

It's Thanksgiving tomorrow in Canada, so this article will be about the topic of giving thanks. Image Source: Unsplash During the summer at my school, we had a two week summer camp. One of my camp students made cookies for all the teachers. Or to be more accurate, he made cookies at home, and then his mom suggested that he give some cookies to the teachers. He was a bit reluctant at first because he felt like the cookies would become cold and hard by the time the teachers ate them the next day, but his mom assured him that it's fine, that it's the thought that matters most, and that the cookies will still be delicious.   The next day, this student gave some of the cookies to some teachers that he saw. His mother is also a volunteer helper at our summer camp, so during break, she shared the cookies with other teachers in the staff room. Image Source: Unsplash  When I ate one, I told her, "Oh these cookies are really good!"  She then explained to me how her son was worried that it would become cold and hard and wouldn't taste as good. I said, "Oh he is so thoughtful! But the cookies are indeed still delicious."   A few days later, I heard the mother say to her son, "Why don't you bake some more cookies for the teachers?"  He said, "No,"  and walked away. I was quite surprised. His mother then explained to me, "He doesn't think anyone liked his cookies because no one came up to him later to tell him that his cookies were delicious or that they really appreciated the cookies."   When I heard this, I felt surprised at first, but as I thought about it some more, it made sense. I'm sure when he gave cookies personally to some teachers, they said "Thank you" . The problem is, this "Thank you"  is rather scripted and expected, so it doesn't hold much sincerity and weight. As a result, the student didn't feel assured that the teachers truly appreciated his cookies.   Moreover, although we liked the cookies, none of us thought to go up to him afterwards to tell him that we really liked the cookies. A key word is "afterwards". Again, if we eat the cookie right when he gives it to us, and we say, "Oh this tastes good!" , it's rather scripted; after all, what else would anyone say? No one would be impolite and say it doesn't taste good, so he can't be sure that we truly liked the cookies.   From this experience, I learned that if we truly want others to feel appreciated for giving us something, we should wait until afterwards to give them a very specific thank-you message. If I could go back in time, I would go up to that student after school and tell him, "Thank you for the cookies! I really like how soft they were, and the sweetness was just the right amount." This kind of specific praise after the event conveys true sincerity and appreciation.   I also admire how this student didn't just take it for granted that others should like his cookies, but instead observed everyone's response afterwards to confirm. If nobody went up to him afterwards to tell him how much they liked it, then it probably means that they only liked the cookies a little bit, or perhaps they took the cookies out of politeness, but they didn't really want the cookies. In this case, it's probably not worth it to spend the time to make another batch.   On a related note, I once heard someone say that if a person brings you a gift unexpectedly, don't look for a return gift right away. Wait until later to visit them and bring a gift. It left a deep impression on me because on my street, many people plant a vegetable garden, including my mother. Sometimes, neighbors will bring vegetables to us, and we would often immediately find some vegetables to give back to them from our backyard.   Image Source: Unsplash Now, I'm not saying this is wrong. It's good and natural for us to give something back from our own garden. It's certainly more polite than not giving anything in return. But perhaps an even higher level of etiquette would be to give them a sincere "thank you" with a smile, and then bring our vegetables to their house on a future day, and praise the vegetables that they gave us earlier.   If we look for something to give back to them right away, it almost feels like we don't want to "owe" them a gift, so we want to give them back something as soon as possible. At the core, this is self-centeredness, whereas the core of etiquette is others-centeredness. If we are focused on others' feelings, then we'd happily receive their gift because that's what would make them happy. Then we wait until later to give a return gift and give a specific praise about the past gift they gave us; in this way, they would know for sure that we truly appreciated and liked the gift.   Conclusion When someone does something nice for us, go beyond the scripted "thank-you" to express our appreciation, especially if we'd like them to do more of it. As the giver, don't take it for granted that others should like our gift; be sure to observe their response afterwards. Weekly Wisdom #363

This past week at lunch time, a student got really upset and cried because of vegetables on his pasta. In the moment, I laughed and thought, "Seriously? What a strange and small thing to cry over."   Later at a staff meeting, this student's homeroom teacher talked about the situation and her understanding of why this student had a meltdown over what seemed like a small and silly thing to most people. From her explanation, I felt ashamed of myself for being so inconsiderate towards this child that I would laugh at him. Although it wasn't a mocking type of laugh, it was still a chuckle, which means I didn't take his feelings seriously, and that's disrespectful.   Someone once asked Confucius, "What is one word that a person can hold dear for all of one's life?"   Confucius replied, "Wouldn't that be reciprocity? What you do not wish for yourself, don't do to others."   There have been times when I was emotional over something and really wanted someone else to understand, but they didn't give me understanding, and instead negated my feelings. That felt terrible. Similarly in this situation, this student is having a small meltdown. It doesn’t matter what the matter is, his emotions are real, and I should understand that everyone has their reasons for feeling the way they feel. Just because I don't understand their thinking doesn't mean they lack reason, and it's certainly not right to laugh at them.   From this situation, I also learned that I can't use my own experiences and way of thinking to judge others. I really have to try to see things from their perspective and relate to them using analogies that I can understand. If I lack information to understand their perspective, then the least I should do is withhold judgment until I can gather more information.   Image Source So what caused this student to cry over vegetables on pasta? Many factors.   For context, my school serves lunch to students who ordered lunch, but the school only provides vegetarian options. The student mentioned earlier is a new student, and his doctor said he is a bit overweight, so his mother ordered vegetarian lunches for him for health reasons. I've seen him bring unhealthy snacks to school, so I can infer that he eats a lot of junk food, and these foods are very tasty and addictive.   I'm also guessing that his mother didn't get her son's consent to eat vegetarian lunches every day. After all,  he complained many times that the food isn't tasty, and we told him, "If you don't like it, you can ask your mom to bring you your own lunch. But currently, your mom paid for vegetarian lunches, so that's what we will give you."   As an aside, I've also told this student before, "It's very rude for you to criticize the school's food in front of others. The school doesn't have to provide food for you. It's only because some parents are too busy to cook and asked the school to provide food that we do it. It's very rude and ungrateful to complain when others are trying to help you and your parents. Moreover, the school tries hard to provide a range of delicious vegetarian options. Everyone else enjoys the food, so maybe the problem isn't the food, but rather your own pickiness."   Another aside: When I found out that his mother is forcing him to eat vegetarian lunches but still giving him unhealthy snacks, I felt this was a bit hypocritical. She gets to give her son unhealthy snacks, so her son likes her, but then she makes the school give vegetarian food, so the school has to deal with all of her son's complaints. Isn't that making others take the blame for your own decision?   But then I told myself again, everyone has their reasons for doing what they do. I then thought about it some more. If I were in that mother's situation, why might I do what she did? Then a reason came clearly to me. Perhaps she tried to negotiate with her son to eat healthier, and her son argued back a lot, saying he doesn't want to. So in order to come to an agreement, she told him he can still eat snacks as long as he eats vegetarian lunches.     Back to the student. Given that he is being forced against his will to eat vegetarian, and that he might have withdrawal symptoms from not eating the junk food that he used to eat, I can start to understand why he'd get so emotional over vegetables. It's sort of like someone being forced to stop smoking when they're addicted; it takes a big emotional toll!   But there's more. The day of his meltdown was a Friday, and the Friday previous, the school gave pizza, and he was really happy that day. He thought every Friday would be pizza day, so he was looking forward to pizza the next Friday. When he arrived at school in the morning, he immediately said, " Today's pizza day, right? " But the teachers said, " We don't know. " Later at lunch time, when he found out it's not pizza, but rather pasta, he already started tearing up. I can imagine if I was looking forward to something for a whole week, and I had to endure a week of suffering for it, then to suddenly find out it's not happening, I'd feel upset too.   Then he saw a staff member put vegetables onto the pasta, and then he had a meltdown and started bawling, "How can you put vegetables on pasta! You can't do that! That's just wrong! I can't eat that!" Although I really do not agree that putting vegetables on pasta is wrong, I also should not use my experiences and way of thinking to judge others. I should instead try to relate to others by analogy.   Everyone has their own food preferences, and people tend to feel very strongly about food too. Some people think putting pineapple on pizza is just wrong; others love it. Some people love durian; others can't stand it. Well, it turns out some people think putting vegetables on pasta is just wrong; others think it's fine. I don't have to feel the same way towards vegetables on pasta as him, but I should at least acknowledge that his feelings are valid, and they have a legitimate reason.   I then thought of a food that disgusted me, and I thought of natto, which is a sort of fermented soybean that is really gooey and strange-tasting (at least to me). Although I think it's not tasty, some people actually like it; otherwise, it wouldn't be popular enough to be sold in restaurants and grocery stores. There isn't a definitive right or wrong here; it's all just personal preference. So perhaps seeing vegetables being put on his pasta would be like me seeing natto being put on my favorite food. He was probably thinking, "My delicious pasta just got ruined!"   If I made empathy and reciprocity a stronger habit, then when I saw him cry, my immediate response wouldn't be to laugh or to judge him for being immature. Instead, I would feel bad for him, I would believe that he definitely has a valid reason to cry, and I would take him to a room and patiently wait for him to calm down to talk with him.   Of course, understanding his perspective doesn't mean I would affirm it. I would still try to teach him that crying and whining is unhelpful and rude, and that we should learn to control our emotions and communicate in a respectful way. But if we don't let them feel understood and cared for first, then they won't be able to calm down and listen to our advice. Or worse, if we negate their feelings, then they'll become even more emotional and oppose us or even resent us.   Conclusion Thank you to this student for helping me realize my lack of empathy and reciprocity. Have you ever encountered a situation where you found it hard to understand others and judged them for it? How might you relate to them now? Weekly Wisdom #362

The Four Methods of Guidance is basically how the Buddha taught people to nurture relationships and build new ones. Most of my friends know I'm a big advocate of The Five Languages by Gary Chapman, and I was shocked to discover that the Four Methods of Guidance is basically the same thing as the Five Love Languages, minus the fifth language of touch. The Five Love Languages came out in 1992, but The Four Methods of Guidance has been been passed down for 2500 years! I'm always excited to find when ancient wisdom totally matches with modern wisdom. The Four Methods of Guidance are Giving, Loving Words, Beneficial Action, and Activities in Common. Each one corresponds with one of the Five Love Languages: Giving — Gifts Loving Words — Words of Affirmation Beneficial Action — Acts of Service Activities in Common — Quality Time Image Source: Yours Truly Image Source Giving is similar to Gifts in the Five Love Languages. But aside from just material things, Giving can also mean giving our time, energy, positive emotion, and useful knowledge. Loving Words encompasses Words of Affirmation in the Five Love Languages, such as appreciation and encouragement, but it also just means anything said with a loving intention, including admonishment. Beneficial Action is basically the same as Acts of Service in the Five Love Languages; it's about doing things to help them. Activities in Common is similar to Quality Time in the Five Love Languages; it's about joining them in the activities they like to do. That way they feel that you have commonalities. What I like about the Four Methods of Guidance is that it's broadly focused on all relationships, while the Five Love Languages sound like it's something more for romantic relationships (especially since touch is one of the languages). My Experience As a teacher, it's important for me to build good relationships with my students. To tell people I use The Five Love Languages to do that might give the wrong impression, so now I can say I use the Four Methods of Guidance. For Giving , probably the most important one is positive emotion. Emotions are contagious, so if I'm calm and happy, my students will be calm and happy, and then they will naturally enjoy my class. For Loving Words , I have to give both encouragement and admonishment, though I try to give a lot more encouragement compared to admonishment. For Beneficial Action , I take initiative to check in on my students and provide tailored guidance. For Activities in Common , I learn about their interests and see where we have commonalities to chat about. From personal experience, I can affirm that these Four Methods of Guidance are really effective at building relationships!

How do you show love and respect to your loved ones on a daily basis? This is an important question. Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists all agree that relationships are key to our happiness. If we want loving relationships, then we need to give lots of love. To give lots of love and respect, we need to know HOW to do so. I am a big fan of the book, Guide to a Happy Life , and you can read my summary of it here . Unsurprisingly, the book has a lot of teachings about relationships. In fact, the book gives us seven timely actions for a good relationship: Show consideration in a timely manner Give updates in a timely manner Give advice in a timely manner Respond in a timely manner Participate in a timely manner Ask for advice in a timely manner Check for understanding in a timely manner (You can click on each one to jump to that section) (Image Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 ) These actions need to be done in a timely manner, meaning we should not procrastinate on them. If we do them consistently, then we are guaranteed great relationships with others and a happy life! 1: Show consideration in a timely manner Showing considering is all about helping them feel calm, comfortable, and happy, as well as getting rid of their discomfort and worries. Image Source The Guide to a Happy Life says: In the winter, keep loved ones warm. In the summer, keep loved ones cool. In the morning, greet my loved ones. At night, check in with my loved ones. When my loved ones are ill, check the medicine first; stay by their side, day and night. Serve all parents as my parents. Serve all siblings as my siblings. Love all others equally, for we are sheltered by the same sky and live on the same earth. (Translation note: Although the book says "parents", it really applies to everyone, including our siblings, extended family, spouse, friends, colleagues, and leaders. Hence, I translated it as "loved ones" instead of "parents." The main principle here is to feel love, respect, and gratitude for others.) 1.1: In the winter, keep loved ones warm. In the summer, keep loved ones cool. In the morning, greet my loved ones. At night, check in with my loved ones. When winter comes, we feel cold. We don't like feeling cold, so we don't want our loved ones to feel cold. Then we take initiative to check that they have enough clothes, that the heating is working, that they are comfortable with the temperature inside the home. The same idea applies to summer. In the morning, we can greet our loved ones and ask them how their sleep was. This shows our care. If they had a bad sleep, then they might be having some health or emotional problems. According to traditional Chinese medicine, if people wake up and struggle to sleep between 1-3AM, then there may be problems with the liver or stress. If people wake up between 3-5AM, then there may be problems with the lungs or sadness. At night, we check in with the other person to see if they are calm and ready for bed, or if they have something bothering them on their mind. If they are troubled, then we can remind them to go take a relaxing shower or go listen to some calming music to get ready for sleep. 1.2: When my loved ones are ill, check the medicine first; stay by their side, day and night. When our loved ones are ill, we need to care for them in a timely manner. For example, we can accompany them to the doctor's office or hospital. If we need to help them prepare the medicine, then we should double check that the medicine is prepared properly. When they are resting, we should be nearby and easily accessible in case they suddenly need our help. 1.3: Serve all parents as my parents. Serve all siblings as my siblings. When we meet other elders, we can view them as our own parents and treat them with equal care and respect. When we meet other people around our age, we should care for them similar way to how we would care for our own brothers and sisters. This kind of attitude will create harmonious and happy relationships. 1.4: Love all others equally, for we are sheltered by the same sky and live on the same earth. Sometimes, we might like someone more than another person, or even choose not to help the people we dislike. When others need help and we do not help them, then we have failed to give timely care. We are all humans living on the same earth. We all have good points and bad points, and we are all trying our best to live a happy and productive life, thus we should support each other regardless of our differences. If others need our help, and we have the ability to help, then we should help them in a timely manner. Personal Experience 1: Show consideration in a timely manner I live with my mother right now, and I always ask her how her sleep was in the morning. There was a period of time where she kept waking up between 1-3AM. That is the time of the liver. I checked with my Chinese medicine teacher about it, and after some investigating, she told me it might be because we started eating an avocado every day. The liver is responsible for digesting fats, so the liver might be overworked, hence the sleep disruption at 1-3AM, which is the time of the liver. So I followed her advice to cut out avocado for a few days, while also massaging my mom's liver meridian. Sure enough, my mother stopped waking up at night. 2: Give updates in a timely manner Giving others updates in a timely manner (without them needing to ask us) shows them that we are always thinking of them, that we don't want to them worry about what's happening with us. Reducing their worries is one of the main ways we can show love to others (the other way being giving them joy). Image Source The Guide to a Happy Life says: When I go out, let my loved ones know. When I come back, report to my loved ones. Even if a matter is small, I shouldn't do whatever I want. If I do, then I am not being respectful. If a guest is looking for someone, I should go find that person for them. If that person is not here, then I will offer my service in their place. 2.1 When I go out, let my loved ones know. When I come back, report to my loved ones. This sounds simple and small, but it can be a big deal! If your loved ones suddenly cannot find you, they might get very worried. In a workplace setting, if you are going to leave the office for a while, you should get permission from your manager first. Otherwise, if they suddenly need you and you are not there, they will have a very bad impression of you and think you are very irresponsible and untrustworthy. When you come back, you should let your manager know; it shows your respect towards them. 2.2 Even if a matter is small, I shouldn't do whatever I want. If I do, then I am not being respectful. Even if our parents or manager or leader tells us to do something small, we should still report back to them to let them know that we completed it. Otherwise, they might be left wondering later, or worse, we might forget to do it. On the other hand, if we do update them despite it being a small thing, they will feel like we take things very seriously, that we are very trustworthy. 2.3 If a guest is looking for someone, I should go find that person for them. If that person is not here, then I will offer my service in their place. As mentioned earlier, when others need help, we should try to help them at that time. So if someone arrives at our home or office and is looking for someone, we should try to help them find that person. If we cannot find that person, then we should update the guest. In addition to updating the guest on the situation, we should ask if we can help. Perhaps the guest wants us to pass along a message. Then we should promptly pass along that message as soon as we see the person. Personal Experience 2: Give updates in a timely manner There was a period of time when I was really busy, and I had lots of online meetings with different people. Sometimes, these meetings would get moved last minute, and I would forget to update my mom. Then she would come look for me, and I'd be busy in a meeting. Forgetting to update her was not very loving on my part. I could have at least written a sticky note for her. 3: Give advice in a timely manner Love is about wanting the best for the other person in the long-term, wanting them to achieve their full potential. Therefore, if we see a loved one with a bad habit or about to make a bad decision, we need to advise them. If we do not advise them because we are afraid of making them unhappy, then we don't really want the best for them, and that is not true love. Image Source Think about it, who in your life is most willing to advise you even when it is not what you want to hear? Probably your parents and siblings. Even if you argue with each other, at the end of the day, you are family, and you will still love each other. Friends are probably not too willing to advise you if it makes you unhappy because the level of love is lower. So if we truly love someone, we need to advise them. But when we advise others, we need to do at the correct time. That means we need to first establish trust with them, then wait for them to be in a good mood and environment, then give the advice. The Guide to a Happy Life says When my loved ones have faults, urge them to improve. Use a warm facial express and a soft tone of voice. If they ignore my advice, I will try again when they are happy. Use tears if necessary, and don't resent them if they get angry. When we urge each other towards virtue, both of us will improve our moral character. If we do not advise each other to correct faults, then both of us will degrade our moral character. 3.1 When my loved ones have faults, urge them to improve. Use a warm facial express and a soft tone of voice. Remember that we need to advise others in a timely manner. Often times, we see others making a mistake and we rush to criticize them right away. That results in conflict and unhappiness because they really don't want to hear you nagging at them at that time, and we probably used a bad tone of voice. Just think about yourself. How would you like to receive criticism? Treat the way you want to be treated. If we want to have a positive response, then we should wait for them to be calm and open to hearing advice. Then advise them using a warm facial expression and soft tone of voice. 3.2 If they ignore my advice, I will try again when they are happy. Use tears if necessary, and don't resent them if they get angry. Most people don't hear a piece of advice once and then change immediately or completely. It takes time for people to change their way of thinking and their habits. Therefore, we should not get upset if they don't listen to us right away. We should be patient and keep trying when they are happy and calm. Sometimes, if their bad habit is very serious, then we may need to use tears to move them. Obviously, this isn't fake tears. It comes from honest worry. For example, if your father is addicted to smoking, and the doctor said he is going to get lung cancer soon, and he is still smoking, then when you think of a future without your father, you might cry. When your father sees this, he might wake up and gain motivation to stop his bad habit. If we try to advise others and they get angry at his, telling us to mind our own business, we do not need to get upset or resent them. We probably advised them at a bad time, when they were in a bad mood. People who need love often ask for it in unloving ways because they have so much pain inside them. We don't need to add to their pain by getting angry at them. Instead, we can give them some personal space, maintain our own positive energy, and try again when we are both feeling calm and peaceful. 3.3 When we urge each other towards virtue, both of us will improve our moral character. If we do not advise each other to correct faults, then both of us will degrade our moral character. As mentioned before, loved ones should support each other to realize their full potential. We should give each other lots of encouragement, and when we see each others' problems, we should urge each other to fix them. Personal Experience 3: Give advice in a timely manner Recently, I saw a friend started to sleep late at night and not taking care of her health. She even got sick. I imagine her parents would be worried about her, so I urged her to prioritize her health more. She told me she is very anxious about her upcoming test next month, so she is studying a lot. I told her, " You still have one month. The whole reason you want to pass this test is so that your parents don't need to worry about your future. If you hurt your health in the process, then your parents will worry about your sense of judgment in the future. " Although I advised her, she did not listen, and she even got a little upset. So I stopped advising her because the timing was not right. However, I have the intention and willingness to advise her. If the conditions become ripe in the future, and I get a chance to talk to her when she is calm and happy, then I would advise her again. 4: Reply in a timely manner This sounds super obvious, yet how many of us forget to reply our messages or emails in a timely manner? Or when others call us, how many of us will say, "Hang on! In a minute!" ? Image Source Replying others in a timely manner is about nurturing a heart of respect and humility towards others. After all, we wouldn't like a person who is self-centered and arrogant, so we should not be that kind of person towards others, especially not our loved ones. The Guide to a Happy Life says: When others call me, I should not respond slowly. When others ask me to do something, I should not act lazily. When others teach me, I should listen respectfully. When others criticize me, I should accept it willingly. If a guest is looking for someone, I should go find that person for them. If that person is not here, then I will offer my service in their place. (Translation note: Although the Chinese version says "parents", I translated it as "others" to make it applicable to a wider context.) 4.1 When others call me, I should not respond slowly. When others ask me to do something, I should not act lazily. If we love someone, that means we prioritize them more than ourselves. It is just like how a parent is willing to sacrifice so much for their children. When our loved one call us or message us, we should respond right away because they are a priority in our life. At work, if our manager or colleagues call us, we should respond right away because it is our duty. The same logic applies to if others ask us to do something. 4.2 When others teach me, I should listen respectfully. When others criticize me, I should accept it willingly. This line emphasizes humility. How can we be loving when we are arrogant? Arrogance is all about me, me, and me, and it creates fear. Love is about helping the other person feel happy, and love eliminates fear. Hence, when others criticize us, we should listen respectfully. One reason is because we want to reduce our arrogance, and the other reason is we don't want to make the other person feel afraid or upset by arguing back at them. Now, you might be thinking, "But what if their criticism is wrong or unreasonable?" . Then use what we mentioned in part 3: give them feedback with a warm facial expression and a soft tone of voice. If they do not respond well, then they are in a bad mood. In that case, there is no point wasting your breath. Wait until they are in a better mood to discuss with them. 4.3 If a guest is looking for someone, I should go find that person for them. If that person is not here, then I will offer my service in their place. When a guest knocks on our door or rings our doorbell, we should respond promptly so that they don’t need to wait so long. Otherwise, they might have a bad impression of our family (if visiting our home) or our office (if visiting our office). Personal Experience 4: Reply in a timely manner Nowadays, people are very busy and have so many messages on their phone. Although I usually respond to people promptly, sometimes I do forget, in which case I apologize. Oftentimes, people forget to reply me promptly. I have learned to not get upset. They did not learn to reply people promptly, so I cannot blame them for bad manners. Besides, I made the same mistake before too, so I shouldn't be so harsh on others. When I get a lot of messages or emails, I follow the "one-minute rule". If it takes less than 1 minute to reply, I do it there and then so that I don't forget. If it needs more time to reply, then I mark the email unread to reply later. If it is a message, and I cannot mark it as unread, then I write it down on my to-do list. 5: Participate in a timely manner When we see our loved ones doing something and we can help, then we should participate in helping them. We should not be lazy or seek to avoid responsibility. We should develop our sense of initiative and responsibility towards helping others. Image Source The Guide to a Happy Life says: What my loved ones like, I should try to provide. What my loved ones dislike, I should try to keep away. Elder siblings should be friendly to the younger ones. Younger siblings should be respectful to the elder ones. When siblings are harmonious, they are respecting parents. Whatever abilities I have, I should not be selfish. Whatever abilities others have, I should not look down upon. 5.1 What my loved ones like, I should try to provide. What my loved ones dislike, I should try to keep away. To clarify, we should proactively try to give our loved ones what they like AND is good for them. We should proactively try to keep away what they don't like AND is bad for them. For example, if they like junk food, but it is bad for them, then we should still try to keep it away. Participating in what our loved ones like is a great way to show our care for them. It tells them that we love them enough to do something we aren't that interested in because we care about their happiness. Obviously, don't force yourself to do it all the time. But once in a while, joining them in an activity that they like communicates your love to them. 5.2 Elder siblings should be friendly to the younger ones. Younger siblings should be respectful to the elder ones. When siblings are harmonious, they are respecting parents. When our siblings or classmates or colleagues need help or ask us for help, we should help out. Even if they do not ask us for help, if we see that they could use a hand, we should help out. When working with others, if we are elder, then we should be friendly to the junior people and take care of them. If we are junior, then we should be respectful and humble towards the elders. This kind of attitude naturally creates harmony. When we create harmony with them, our elders will be very happy with us, and they will view us to be mature, trustworthy, and responsible. 5.3 Whatever abilities I have, I should not be selfish. Whatever abilities others have, I should not look down upon. When working with others, we should be sincere and give our full effort to help. We should not be selfish and hold back any effort, or only help if there is something in it for me. When working with others, we also should not look down on other people's abilities. After all, everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. We wouldn’t want others to focus on our weaknesses and ignore our strengths, so towards others, we should praise their strengths and not broadcast their weaknesses. Personal Experience 5: Participate in a timely manner One time, I saw my neighbor trimming their tree. Another neighbor was helping them. I thought to myself, maybe I should help. But I also have some work to do. I decided to go finish my work first, since that is my job, then if they still needed help, I would go help out. Indeed they did need help. They were at it for the whole day. I helped out whenever I had free time, and in the process, I got to know my neighbors much better and build a better relationship with them. I also learned some handyman skills related to using a saw and ladder. When we help others, we help ourselves too. 6: Ask for advice in a timely manner When others ask us to do something, we might not know how to do it. In that case, we need to take initative to ask them for clear advice and instructions. We should not guess the answer. Even if we have an idea of how to do it, but we are not 100% sure, then we should check our understanding with the other person. This shows our respect, carefulness, and humility towards the person and task. Image Source The Guide to a Happy Life says: Even if a matter is small, I shouldn't do whatever I want. If I do, then I am not being respectful. If I have any doubts in my mind, I should note it down. Then ask someone who knows the answer to confirm. If I can get close to people of high virtues, the benefits are limitless. My virtues will increase daily, and my faults will decrease daily. 6.1 Even if a matter is small, I shouldn't do whatever I want. If I do, then I am not being respectful. When others ask us to do something and we aren't sure how to do it, then we need to ask for clear instructions, even if the matter seems small. Otherwise, we are being careless and disrespectful. Furthermore, WE might think the matter is small, but perhaps the other person views the matter as big. So no matter the size of the matter, if we don't know, we need to ask for clear instructions. 6.2 If I have any doubts in my mind, I should note it down. Then ask someone who knows the answer to confirm. Oftentimes, when we do things for others, we might later have some questions or doubts that come to find. In this case, we should stop, note down our questions, and ask the person. This sounds obvious, but people often forget. Later, they can't recall the question anymore, and then they might have done the task wrong, which creates problems in the future. When we ask our question, we also need to ask someone who actually knows the answer. Otherwise, we might get the wrong advice, which creates further problems in the future. 6.3 If I can get close to people of high virtues, the benefits are limitless. My virtues will increase daily, and my faults will decrease daily. People of high virtues are great teachers. In a school setting, it might be a studious classmate. In a work setting, it might be a star colleague or a kind and wise manager. In a life setting, it might be a wise friend or a mentor. "Getting close to people of high virtues" means spending time with them, asking them for guidance and instructions, and learning their way of thinking. When we have the guidance of successful people ahead of us, we can gain the success that they have had and avoid their mistakes. Such benefits are truly limitless. Personal Experience 6: Ask for advice in a timely manner This past year, I made friends with someone who is very wise and many years ahead of me in the study of traditional Chinese philosophy. When I encounter problems in life related to relationships, problem-solving, or happiness, I will ask him in a timely manner, and he always provides me with great advice and food for thought. I even wrote an article on some of the major things I learned from him over the past year. I also have mentors or teachers for Buddhism and Traditional Chinese Medicine. I remember my mother had some worries related to Buddhism, and no matter how much she discussed with me, she was still worried. Later, I had her talk to a teacher, and the teacher was able to calm her worries (and therefore my worries). For my health, I always ask my Chinese Medicine teacher lots of questions, and I learn lots as a result. If I didn't have questions, she probably wouldn't have much to teach me. 7: Check for understanding in a timely manner Obviously, when we are unsure of something, we should ask for advice and instruction. But even if we are sure about something, we should make a habit of checking our understanding. This improves our carefulness and humility, which will make our loved ones feel like they can count on us. Image Source To give a simple example, let's say your mother asks you to buy vinegar. You know that usually she buys black vinegar. But to nurture your carefulness and trustworthiness, you could check by saying, "Just to check, you want black vinegar right? Not white vinegar or apple cider vinegar?" At this point, she might say, "Yes. Oh but I want the big bottle this time, not the usual small bottle." So when we check for understanding, some other important piece of information might come out. The Guide to a Happy Life says: What I have not seen with my own eyes, I will not say lightly. What I do not know for sure, I will not pass onto others carelessly. If something is inappropriate, I will not carelessly agree to do it. If I do agree, then whether I do it or not, I will be wrong. Don't do many things at once; haste makes mistakes. Don't be afraid of difficulty, and don't be careless with easy tasks. If I have any doubts in my mind, I should note it down. Then ask someone who knows the answer to confirm. 7.1 What I have not seen with my own eyes, I will not say lightly. What I do not know for sure, I will not pass onto others carelessly. One of the most common reasons people create resentment and burn bridges is by spreading bad rumors about others. If we hear bad gossip about someone, we should not spread it. If it is relevant to us, then we can check with the person to see if the rumor is true or not. Only after we are sure of the whole situation and all perspectives do we have the right to make a judgment. But if the matter does not concern us, then we do not need to get involved. When others see that we do not like to involve ourselves in gossip or rumors, then they will come to trust us as a truly caring and good person. 7.2 If something is inappropriate, I will not carelessly agree to do it. If I do agree, then whether I do it or not, I will be wrong. If we are not sure about whether or not we should do something, then we need to check with someone who knows, such as a leader or an elder. If we do not check, then doing it is wrong because we are guessing, and guessing is careless. Not doing it is also wrong because we did not fulfill our responsibility, and we might have caused trouble to others. 7.3 Don't do many things at once; haste makes mistakes. Don't be afraid of difficulty, and don't be careless with easy tasks. Sometimes, our parents or leader or partner will say something that they want or that needs to be done, and then we rush to go do it. Or maybe we are busy, and we rush to finish it for them as quickly as possible. This kind of rushed attitude will lead to mistakes. Since we are so busy, we forget to check our understanding of the task, so we end up doing the wrong task or doing the task wrong. Therefore, we need to nurture a patient mind and remember to check our understanding before doing things for others. If something is hard and difficult, we also do not need to be afraid. Why? Because we can ask for advice and instructions from someone who knows how to do it. Then, we should repeat the instructions back to clarify our understanding. Even if something seems small and easy, like the example of buying vinegar mentioned above, we should still check for understanding to nurture our carefulness and humility. 7.4 If I have any doubts in my mind, I should note it down. Then ask someone who knows the answer to confirm. Often times, we might have questions or doubts after we started doing something, or when the other person isn't there. In these situations, we need to remember to write these questions down. Otherwise, we might forget our question, and then we might end up doing the task wrong. Personal Experience 7: Check for understanding in a timely manner In my weekly Chinese philosophy class, I always summarize my notes, then send it to the teacher to check, make any corrections, then send it to our class group chat. One time, my teacher was away on vacation, so I wrote, "I know you are on vacation, so it's no rush, please check these notes when you have time." Later, he replied, "No problem." I was confused as to whether or not he meant, "The notes have no problem. You can send them to the group." or "No problem, I will check the notes when I have time." I guessed it might be the latter because if the notes had no problems, I imagine he would tell me to send the notes to the group. But I decided to check with him and asked, "Do you mean no problem as in you will check it later?" He replied, "Oh sorry, I meant the notes have no problems." If I did not check with him, I probably would have waited another couple of days, and my teacher would probably have wondered why I didn't send the notes yet. Conclusion Love and respect are not just empty words, they are shown on a daily basis through each and every small action. When we have loving relationships, we will have a happy life. The Guide to a Happy Life gave us seven timely actions to build strong relationships: Show consideration in a timely manner Give updates in a timely manner Give advice in a timely manner Respond in a timely manner Participate in a timely manner Ask for advice in a timely manner Check for understanding in a timely manner Reflection : Which ones do you currently do well? Which ones do you need to improve on?

Image Source: 1 , 2 There were two couples who were neighbors living across from each other. One couple had arguments and conflict every day. The other couple lived very harmoniously. As time went on, the conflicting couple got tired and frustrated with always arguing, and they envied their harmonious neighbors. One day, the wife from the conflicting couple decided to ask the wife from the harmonious couple what their secret to harmony was. The harmonious wife said, " Oh, simple. In your house, you're all good people. In our house, we're all bad people. " The conflicting wife was bewildered and said, " I don't understand. " The harmonious wife explained, "For example, let's say you put a cup on the table. Your husband accidentally knocks it over and it breaks. You believe that you are right and good in this matter, so you criticize him: ' What's wrong with you? How could you be so careless?' Your husband also believes he is the good guy, so he criticizes you back: ' What's wrong with you ? You shouldn't put the cup so close to the edge of the table! ' But in my house, everyone is a bad guy. If my husband accidentally knocks a cup over, I would say, 'I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have put that cup so close to the edge of the table. It's my fault.' Then my husband would say, 'No it's my fault for being careless while walking. I'm sorry.' Then we happily clean up the mess together." Commentary There is a Chinese saying that goes, "Wise people fight for the blame. Stupid people fight to be right." (賢人爭罪。愚人爭理。) From this story, we can see how the more we try to put the blame on others, the more conflict we create. But when we are humble and take the blame, the conflict is resolved. Wanting others to take the blame is a sure recipe for unhappiness because everyone has an ego. Besides, we cannot control other people's behavior, we can only control ourselves. Moreover, the way we treat others is how others will treat us back. So if we always blame others, others will naturally blame us back. But if we always apologize and respect others, others will also apologize and respect us back. As Mencius said, "One who loves others will constantly be loved by others. One who respects others will constantly be respected by others." (愛人者人恆愛之，敬人者人恆敬之。) I remember hearing this and thinking, " But when I try to be patient and understanding to that person, they don't return the kindness! Then I get upset again. " Later, I learned that relationships are like a bank balance. If I meet a stranger, our relationship bank balance is 0, so if I treat them nice, they will treat me nice back. But for someone that I have had conflict with for a long time, we have a negative relationship bank balance. Apologizing or saying nice words once or twice is not suddenly going to bring the relationship balance back to positive. We have to accumulate over time by apologizing for our past mistakes and doing kind deeds. The more sincere we are, the faster the accumulation. Conclusion If we insist we are the good guys, our relationships might encounter more conflicts. If we insist we are the bad guys, our relationships will have more harmony. Weekly Wisdom #229

Have you ever tried to help someone, but they got annoyed at you? Pretty outrageous, right? I read a story related to this problem that I thought was quite enlightening. Image Sources: 1 , 2 During the Great Depression (1929-1941), there was a small grocery store in a town in southeastern Idaho. The store was owned by Mr. Millers, who would set up a small table outside his store, and people on their way home could stop by to pick up some fresh produce. At the time, both food and money were in severe shortage, so people started trading items. In the town lived a few extremely poor families, and the children would often visit Mr. Millers' store. However, they did not come to buy anything, they simply wanted to admire the rare and precious items that Mr. Millers sold. Despite this, Mr. Millers always happily welcomed them the same way he welcomed every other customer. "Hi Barry! How are you today?" "Hi Mr. Millers! I'm pretty good, thanks. Those peas sure look good." "Really? They aren't actually that great. Barry, how's your mother's health?" "She's getting better." "That's good to hear. Would you like anything today?" "No Mr. Millers. I still think those peas are really fresh though." "Do you want to bring some home?" "No Mr. Millers, I don't have money to buy them." "Do you have anything to trade with me? You don't have to have money." "Oh…all I have are some glass balls that I won." "Really? Let me have a look." "Sure, here you go. This one is the best." "Yes, I can see that. Hmm… the only thing is, this is a blue ball, but I want a red one. Do you have a red one at home?" "I might!" "How about this, you can take a bag of peas home first. Next time you come, please bring me a red glass ball." "Definitely! Thanks so much Mr. Millers!" Every time Mr. Millers talks with these impoverished little kids, Mrs. Millers would stand silently at the side with a smile. She knows this kind of game all too well, and she understands her husband's intentions. The town has two other boys who are very similar to Barry. Their families are all struggling, they don't have any money to buy anything, nor do they have any valuable possessions to trade. To help them without making them feel bad or embarrassed, Mr. Millers would pretend to haggle over a glass ball. For example, this time Barry has a blue glass ball, so Mr. Millers asks for a red one. When Barry brings the red glass ball next time, Mr. Millers will ask to see a blue or orange one instead, and tell them to bring a bag of produce home. After many years, Mr. Millers became ill and passed away. All the townsfolk went to his funeral and expressed their condolences to Mrs. Millers. In the long line of people who were going to deliver a eulogy, there were three men who stood out from the rest of the crowd. One was wearing a military uniform; the other two were wearing a top hat, a white dress shirt, and a well-ironed suit. The three men all looked very dignified. Image Sources: 1 , 2 As Mrs. Millers stood by Mr. Miller's coffin, the three men came up and hugged her one by one, and each gave some words quietly. Her tears flowed as she watched the three men stand in front of the coffin and put their warm hands on Mr. Miller's cold, pale hands. These three men were the three poor children with whom Mr. Millers often traded his food for their glass balls and other small items. When they hugged Mrs. Millers, they told her how grateful they are to Mr. Millers for "trading" with them during those difficult years. Now, Mr. Millers would no longer change his mind about what color or size of glass balls he wants, and these three men no longer need to rely on assistance for their livelihoods, but they will never forget Mr. Millers. Although Mr. Millers never became rich, he had perhaps the most rich and valuable life in all of Idaho. And now, in his lifeless right hand, the three men placed three red glass balls as a symbol of their appreciation. Helping others is a virtue, but sometimes, in our efforts to help others, we unconsciously show off our ability and make others feel embarrassed or disrespected. In that case, are we really helping them, or are we showing off our abilities and looking down on others? To help others without making it obvious is a rare and precious attitude. This was what Mr. Millers did. This is not just sympathy, but real love. (Story Source: Harvard Family Instruction) My Experience I'll start by sharing a failure that I hope you can avoid. Recently, I started working with two other English teachers. Unlike me, they never had formal English teaching training or experience, so I offered to coach them. One of them was very eager to learn, and she asked me to observe her class and give feedback. The other one had been teaching a class his own way for a year, and he didn't ask me to observe his class until the other teacher pushed him to. After observing his class, I gave some critiques and even took initiative to record a video of how I would plan a lesson and make the PPT. In my mind, I was doing him a big favor. I am quite busy, but I decided that helping him is more important right now because his matter is time sensitive. Not only did I make a lesson for him, I also recorded the whole process to help him learn. However, my actions were somewhat interpreted as an arrogant show-off. From that experience, I learned the importance of being sensitive to others' ego when trying to help them. The fact is, we all have an ego, so I am certainly not looking down on him. If I could go back in time, I would make a lesson plan and PPT and say, " I just happened to have some free time recently, and I was interested in your course, so I tried making a lesson plan and PPT. Could you check them and let me know what you think? " If he didn't have time to look at my proposed plan before he taught his class, I wouldn't be upset. After all, my goal should be to provide reference material, not to tell him what to do. Aside from that failure, I also have successes. For example, I'm living in the same building as my teacher right now, and I want to be of service to him by giving him Tui Na massage before bed to help him sleep better. Rather than saying, " Teacher, I can help you sleep better by giving you Tui Na massage at night, " I said, " Teacher, I want to learn and practice Tui Na massage so that I can massage my parents better at home. Could I practice on you at night, and you tell me if it helped you sleep better? " This way, my teacher was happy to let me massage him. Another time, a colleague and I were discussing who would drive a guest from the other building over to our building in the morning. Later he messaged me saying that the guest needs to be picked at 5:15AM, and that he could do it. I knew that 5:15 is much earlier than his usual wake up time, and that he needs the extra sleep more than me, but I did not say that. Instead, I said, " Oh I wake up around that time anyway, so I can go pick them up. " He doesn't know what time I get up, but he knows that I get up earlier than him. When he saw my message, he said, " OK thank you! " Conclusion Wanting to help others is a good intention, but we have to be careful to not come off as arrogant, or else the other person may feel uncomfortable or even resent us! We should not point out their problems or show off how we are better. If possible, we should make it seem like they are helping us. Weekly Wisdom #236

Have you ever been impatient with others because you were really busy? Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 Recently, I got annoyed at my mother for something dumb. Basically, I was going to cook lunch, but because my mother saw that I've been very busy recently, she offered to cook instead. I said, " OK, if you have time, that would be great. Oh yeah there's that pack of vegan chicken that I kept forgetting to cook. Please cook it all. " Later, she told me lunch was ready. I came downstairs and saw that she only cooked half the vegan chicken. I got annoyed and said, " Why did you only cook half of it? There isn't that much. Didn't I say to cook all of it? " She said, " Oops. I forgot you said cook all of it. I cooked a lot of vegetables so I didn't think we need all of it. " I said, " But we already defrosted it. Putting it back in the freezer might mess up the texture. And you already put water in the frying water so I can't fry it now. What are we supposed to do with this remaining chicken? " I was clearly annoyed. My mother calmly said, " Well, if you want to cook all of it, then just take out the water and cook it. It's no big deal. " I was really surprised by her response. I thought she might say something like, " I already cooked lunch, and you're still complaining? " But instead, she practiced the quality of water that I admire so much, which is that water does not butt heads with rock, water flows around rock. In this case, I was like a rock because I was stubborn about my desire for efficiency, but she remained soft and flexible. To not get affected by others' negative emotions is very hard, and I have to admire her for remaining calm in the face of my annoyance. Reflection Later, I reflected on why I got annoyed over such a small and frivolous thing. I think there are a couple interrelated reasons. First, I have been really busy recently, and I always feel like I'm in a rush and that there's never enough time to do all the things I need to do. When I'm already in this agitated mindset, then every small little thing annoys me. Second, I over-focus on convenience and efficiency, which only got exasperated by my busyness. The problem is in me, not in the outside circumstances. I think this is a really common problem that I see in lots of people around me, and it really impacts our happiness and quality of life. Below are some solutions I'm working on. 1: Make peace with the present moment First, I should remember this quote from Confucius: "If you seek speed, then you will not arrive." (Original Text: 欲速则不达) One interpretation of this quote is that haste leads to mistakes, which delays you from arriving at your destination, completing your task, or achieving your goal. For example, when I rushed cooking before, I cut my finger, then I had to spend extra time to stop the bleeding and put on a bandage, then try to finish the cooking. If I was calmer, I would have prevented such a hassle. Another interpretation is to avoid the Arrival Fallacy, which is thinking that I will be happy once I get what I want. In this case, I think I can be happy and peaceful after I finish all the things I need to do. In reality, we can never live in the future, we can only ever live in the present moment. Therefore, if I cannot be calm and at peace with the present moment, then how can I be calm and at peace later? When I finish all my things, I'll end up thinking about more things to do. The problem is not my present moment, the problem is my habit of wanting to live in the future, which is impossible. If instead, I can slow down and calmly do whatever I need to do right now, then I will also be able to remain calm and peaceful in the future. 2: Value relationships first Additionally, I should value relationship harmony more than convenience and efficiency. I know that my personality type really values convenience and hates inefficiencies. So when I saw that my mom only cooked half the vegan chicken, I was thinking, "What is this illogical thinking! It would have taken the same amount of time and oil to cook all the vegan chicken. Why only cook half of it? Now we have re-freeze it, re-thaw it later, heat up the pan again, put in new oil, wait another 10 minutes to cook a second batch. What an unnecessary waste of time!" The matter sounds trivial, but it's the principle of not wasting time that really bothered me. But this is precisely what I need to fix in myself. Next time, I should tell myself, " Relationship harmony is more important than convenience. The key to a happy life is happy relationships, not convenience or efficiency. " Icon Source If I had remembered this, then I would have been able to calmly and nicely tell my mom that she can save a lot of hassle by cooking the whole batch at once. In other words, the content of my words were not the problem, my annoyance was the problem, and the root of that annoyance is my over-focus on efficiency. Moreover, if I had remembered that relationships with loved ones should be my priority, then despite my busy schedule, I would still take the time to check in on loved ones and help out wherever needed. To redeem myself, I later took initiative to help my mom with some laundry even though I was busy working at that time. 3: Manage my priorities and time better The above two solutions address the problem from the root: the mind. But I can also make adjustments at the action level. For example, I should carve out some time every day to reflect on my time management and to choose my priorities more thoughtfully. As the saying goes, "You can do anything you set your mind to, but not everything." I need to be focused on my one or two priorities and let go of the rest. When facing interruptions or new requests for my time, I shouldn't get sidetracked so easily. I need to ask, " Is this important? Is this urgent? Must I absolutely interrupt my original plan to do this thing right now? " In my experience, when I have crystal clarity on my priorities, I can be more disciplined in my time management and resist distractions. This prevents me from wanting to do more than what is realistic, which prevents the feeling of not having enough time and getting annoyed as a result. I also learned that when planning my time, I should give time to others in order of gratitude because this aligns with our innate sense of right or wrong. Since I am more grateful to my family than my workplace, I should prioritize them first. If I'm doing work, and my family needs some quick help, then I'm happy to help out immediately. If they need a big favor, then I can calmly communicate a more suitable time to help out. Conclusion We are all busy people, but we should not let busyness be an excuse for a bad attitude towards others. After all, the key to a happy life is good relationships, not convenience. Do you have other solutions? If so, I'd love to hear them. Weekly Wisdom #245