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Imagine: You are in charge of a department in your company. There is a new employee in another department, but you heard that she used to do work in your field of work, and your department is also lacking staff. You think she might be able to help out with some work in your department, but you don't know if she's interested or has the extra time. You decide to talk to her and gauge her interest first; if she's interested, then you'll go a step further and ask her manager if she can help out with your department. If not, then you won't talk to her manager; this way, you don't give her pressure (if you directly go to her manager, and her manager asks her to do it, but she doesn't want to do it, then she'll feel pressured).   To your surprise, that new employee reported to her manager that you asked her if she's interested in your department's work, and then her manager complained to your boss (who is also her manager's boss) that you didn't go through her manager and instead went directly to the employee. Your boss then criticizes you and says, "You should talk to her manager first, not go directly to her. You should know better than this." Image Source: ChaptGPT How would you respond to your boss?     This is exactly the situation my mentor faced recently. If I were in that situation, I would definitely explain my reason for doing what I did because I want my boss to know that I am a rational person who always has a reason for doing what I do. But my mentor told me that this aversion to wrongful criticism is a big problem. He simply took the blame.   I asked, "Is it because if you explain yourself, your boss would feel like you have a big ego and therefore would lose trust in you and not advise you in the future? By accepting the criticism, we show that we are humble and grateful for their advice?"   He said, "Yes."   I asked further, "So even if we feel wrongfully criticized, we just have to swallow it. Although it doesn't feel good in the moment, it's ultimately the best decision in the long run."   He replied, "You have to judge the situation. If your leader asks you why you did what you did, and he truly seems open to hearing an explanation, then you can explain. But if your leader seems to already judge you to be guilty, then there's no point in arguing or explaining yourself. The timing isn’t right. If you still want to communicate later, then wait for a suitable time.”   Of course, this doesn't just apply to criticism from leaders but anyone, and a suitable time means when both of you are calm and not busy. This reminded me of a quote by Confucius: "To not be upset when others don't understand, is this not the mark of an exemplary person?"   Easy to say. Hard to do. I'm very thankful to my mentor for his role modeling, and I hope I can emulate him. Weekly Wisdom #346

A tiger prided itself on being the king of the forest. One day, while out hunting, the tiger encountered a buzzing gadfly flying back and forth.   “Don’t bother me under my nose,” the annoyed tiger growled. “Or I’ll eat you!”   “Hehe, just try—if you can catch me,” the gadfly mocked as it landed on the tiger’s nose and started sucking its blood.   The tiger swiped at it, but the gadfly darted to its back, digging into its fur to bite again. Image Source: ChatGPT Furious, the tiger thrashed its iron-like tail, trying to shake the pest off. But the gadfly kept moving, biting again and again. The tiger rolled on the ground in frustration, trying to crush the tiny intruder. The gadfly flew off, only to return moments later to the tiger’s face.   In this exhausting fight with something so small, the tiger, king of beasts, eventually died from sheer fatigue.   (Story Source: Harvard Family Education )   Commentary We are all the ruler of our lives with important things to do, just like the tiger. And we will all encounter annoying distractions like that gadfly. The important thing is how we respond.   It’s not the gadfly that killed the tiger. It’s the tiger’s own anger and lack of self-control. We may laugh or shake our heads at the tiger, but if we don’t have good control over our temper and emotions, then we should really use the tiger’s story to increase our own vigilance. We have to stay focused on what truly matters and not get frustrated over insignificant things, even if they cause inconvenience.   I remember one day, a student had a small emotional breakdown. I asked her what’s wrong. She told me, “The internet in this classroom is too laggy! I can’t even do practice questions! The audio stops every few seconds and I have to wait forever. It’s been like this all day! Even my hotspot is laggy here. How am I supposed to study without good internet!”   I replied, “Indeed having laggy internet is very frustrating. But it isn’t always laggy. I don’t know why it’s so laggy today, but even if your internet is laggy, are there other ways you could prepare for your test? For example, you have lots of downloaded audio files you could listen to, right? You also have PDFs of past exam papers. You don’t HAVE to do an online practice test. Don’t get distracted by obstacles and lose sight of the goal.”   Afterwards, she calmed down a bit and said, “That’s true. I don’t know why I was so dumb and stubborn about using the online test software.”   I said, “When we get frustrated, upset, or have any strong emotions, we tend to lose logic. It’s important to be aware of our emotional state and adjust ourselves promptly when our emotions go out of balance. Don’t sink into negative emotions. That would be our own fault, not the fault of the external matter.”   Conclusion What kind of “gadflies” have you encountered? How did you deal with them? Weekly Wisdom #345

Recently, I had the honor to meet Mr. Wang Xihai (王希海), who is admired as a present-day paragon of filial piety in China. Basically, that means he treats his parents with the utmost love and respect, and his story has touched and inspired the whole country. I had the chance to listen to a couple of his lectures live, as well as privately ask him some questions. Image Source First, I'll briefly introduce Wang's story. When Wang's father was 56, he had a brain injury and became completely paralyzed. At the time, Wang was in his mid-twenties, and he had the opportunity to work abroad. Back then, working abroad was a very glorious thing for Chinese people. However, he decided to let go of the opportunity for money and glory and instead return home to take care of his father who had basically become a vegetable person (unable to move or speak). He made a vow for his father to live at least until age 80.   When asked why 80, he said it's because in his perspective, when people reach 80, they feel like they've gained something valuable (I interpret it as a sort of satisfaction towards oneself and one's life). When asked why he didn't go abroad, earn money, and hire a caretaker for his dad, he said that there's no way he'd have a clear conscience if he had done that.   Wang then spent the next 26 years taking care of his vegetable father, who indeed lived to past 80.   Moreover, his father had extremely healthy skin and even had muscle. All the doctors viewed it as a miracle. How did he feed his father? How did he prevent his father from choking on his own spit? How did he communicate with his father? How did he prevent his father from growing bedsores?   Wang says, "Love makes the impossible possible."   How did he feed his father? He took a bowl of porridge and used a spoon to stir and mash the porridge into a paste. Then he added water to the paste and fed it to his father. The thing is, the paste has to be just the right consistency and amount, or else his father would choke. Too thick, he'll choke. Too thin, he'll choke. Too much at once, he'll choke. Too little, he'll choke. How does he attain just the right consistency and feed just the right amount? Wang says, "You have to be completely focused and present, and you'll naturally sense when it's just right."   How did he prevent his father from choking on his own spit? He used a plastic tube that he got from the hospital, put it down his father's throat, and sucked up that accumulated spit there into his own mouth, then he spit it out. Image Source It sounds gross to most of us, but to Wang, he felt like it's just a part of a son's duty in taking care of his father.   How did he communicate with his father when his father couldn't speak? Wang said he would listen to his father's breathing. If his father felt discomfort, his breathing would change, and then he'd know to turn his father over and give him a massage. He'd also observe his father's face. Although his father is paralyzed, Wang could still see very minute changes in his father's face, which communicates his father's emotions.   How did he prevent his father from growing bedsores? Wang says that most ill people who have to lie on a bed all day will develop bedsores because of the pressure on the skin plus sweat for a prolonged time. If a person grows bedsores, it's over. He tried using different linens to put under his father, but in the end, he realized that there's only one way to prevent bedsores: to frequently turn his father's body over roughly once every half an hour. Not only that, but after turning his father's body over, he gives his father a quick massage to help the muscles relax and the blood flow. Image Source But if he has to turn his father's body over every half an hour, does that mean he never sleeps? Wang says that when he goes to sleep, he puts his arms under his father's hips. Within 30 minutes, his arms become very numb, and he'll wake up from the pain. Then he'll turn his father's body over again.   Aside from having his father's body lie on the bed, he'll also have him sit on a chair and get some sunlight, and he uses a cloth hanging from the ceiling to stabilize his dad's head. He can then go and cook food or wash clothes or do other chores.   When asked by an interviewer, "Over 20 years of this every day, non-stop taking care of your father, do you ever feel tired or unmotivated?"   Wang replied, "Tiring, sure. But whenever I look at my father and see that he's still alive and well, I feel like all my troubles fade away. Although my father can't speak, I know that he is also happy."   One time, he took his father for a health check, and the doctor asked him how long his father has been a vegetable. He replied 20 years. The doctor immediately left. A short while later, the doctor came back with tears in his eyes, saying, "I thought you were lying, but I looked up your dad's medical records these past 20 years. Your nursing abilities is better than any of us professionals. We ought to learn from you."   Wang said that there isn't a set method that he can teach. It all depends on one thing: using your loving heart to sense what they need and to sense a solution. For example, the doctors believe it's impossible to get a vegetable person to exercise and grow muscle, so they asked Wang to demonstrate. Wang then demonstrated, and the doctors were speechless. They asked how he invented his method. Again, Wang said that he single-mindedly focused on the goal of getting his dad to exercise, and he eventually discovered a way that works. It all depends on our loving heart.   The above is just a brief introduction to Wang's story to give a sense of how he's a legend. I've watched his interviews and lectures in the past, so needless to say, I was very honoured to have the chance to meet him in person and ask some questions. Before I talk about what I asked him, I want to give some context for why I asked what I asked. I’ve mentioned before that I think one of the hardest things to do in moral cultivation is to not get upset at unfair criticisms, especially from one's parents and spouse, who are the people that tend to criticize us the most.   Firstly, why do our parents and spouse tend to criticize us the most? I think it's because people spend the most time with their parents (before moving out) and spouse (after moving out). Parents feel like they have to teach their children good behavior, so it's very easy for them to become naggy and preachy if they're not intentionally cultivating their patience and empathy. As for spouses, they are so used to each other that they neglect the basic politeness and respect that they would give to strangers and less familiar people.   For example, when feeling upset or annoyed, most people wouldn't just dump negative energy on colleagues at work or friends of friends because we'd be afraid of leaving a bad impression on them, but we're so used to our family members that we don't care about leaving a good impression on them anymore; they already know what we are really like. Moreover, because we spend every day with our family members, we tend to see every single small problem as a big deal because we feel like we have to put up with it day in and day out, so we tend to complain and criticize our family members more.   However, from the perspective of the person being criticized, we feel like we have our own reasons for doing what we do, and we have our own preferences that we wish others would respect. Furthermore, we might think that because our parents and spouse are so close to us, they of all people should understand us (or at least try to understand us) rather than jumping to conclusions and assuming we have negative intentions. Misunderstandings from them is far more upsetting than misunderstandings from strangers.   In the past, I wrote an article titled How to Not Get Upset and Criticisms and Misunderstandings , and it mainly talked about empathy and humility. Image Source These are indeed essential, but recently, I got a different and very insightful perspective from Wang.    One time, I saw Wang walking alone, so I rushed over and asked if I could ask him some questions. He said sure. I first asked him if he ever had arguments with his parents. He said no. I was quite shocked. I said I struggle most when my parents misunderstand me and criticize me unfairly. I can't maintain a peaceful mood when I feel unfairly criticized. His response was quite different from what I expected.   He told me, "You need to live a good life and become your best self. If your parents see you living well, they would be very happy for you. But if they see you not living well, they would become worried and anxious, and then in their negative emotions, they would criticize you or misunderstand you. Even if your parents criticize you, you have to believe in yourself. You can definitely make your parents happy. Nowadays, a lot of parents are very demanding and controlling towards children. That’s not good. But as children, we need to understand our parents’ wishes for us and help fulfill their wishes. "   I realized that Mr. Wang has deep faith that parents always want the best for children, even when parents get angry at children, so he wouldn’t become angry or depressed when criticized by parents. In my opinion, the same could be said for sibling and spouses.   I later reflected on past arguments with my parents, and indeed, their negative emotions are often related to worry about my judgment and future. After I created mutual understanding and shared values with my parents, they came to trust my judgment a lot more and even ask for my input when they make decisions.   I also asked Wang, "You said that if your parents ask you for a cup of water, it's already too late. Isn't it a bit unfair to expect us to be able to read other people's minds?"   Wang told me, "You need to live for your parents. Their happiness is your happiness. When you single-mindedly think for them, you can achieve the state of 'no-me', and then you will be able to sense other people’s needs very naturally. But if you are always thinking about yourself, you won’t be able to sense other people’s needs.   For example, if you simply pay attention to your father's face and notice that his lips are a bit dry, then you would naturally get him a cup of water. When you give him a cup of water right when he wants water, it will be like holy water for their soul. He will feel extremely loved. But if your parents have to ask you for the water, then that water is dead water.”   After hearing his explanation, I felt like his words aren't so unreasonable after all. At its core, it's about using our attention to sense other people's situation and needs, and to do that, we have to care about others (or in Wang's words, we have to have a loving heart). It's kind of like wanting to give outstanding service to others, but the intention isn't to gain a tip or praise, but rather one of love and respect.   We all tend to habitually think about ourselves, which obstructs us from sensing other people's needs, but with conscious and persistent effort, we can change our habit of self-centeredness to kindness. I wrote about my experience in this article:  My Year of Practicing Selflessness .   I then asked Wang,  "After your lecture, I heard some people say that they feel like what you have done is a miracle, and that they couldn't do what you have done. What would you say to these people?"   He said, "Everyone is capable of making miracles. My education is a lot less than most people. If I can do it, you all can too. It all depends on your loving heart. Love is everywhere. Solutions are everywhere. But it's up to you to tap into that love and sense the solutions. All the solutions I've discovered when taking care of my dad arose because I was single-mindedly dedicated to helping him live to 80. If you can single-mindedly dedicate yourself to a cause, you can create miracles too."   I told him, "I used to have a lot of conflict with my parents, but after learning traditional Chinese culture and filial piety, I feel like our relationship has gotten a lot better."   He told me,  "You might think it’s good, but your parents might have unspoken wishes that you haven’t sensed. You have to use your heart to sense their unspoken wishes for you."   He then asked me, “How old are your parents?”   I said, “In their mid-fifties.”   He said, “When people reach 60, their body will become older a lot faster. Health is mostly to do with our mind and emotions. If you aren't living a good life, if they don't see a bright future for you, then they will worry about you. Their worry, anxiety, and negative emotions will make them sick in the future. But if you make them very happy and diligently take care of them, then they won't want to get sick. They will think, 'My child loves me so much and tries so hard to make me happy, I mustn't get sick. I need to stay healthy for my child.' When they see you doing well, they will be even happier for you than you yourself, and they will be healthy. Cherish your time with them, and don't leave any regrets."   (Side note: According to Chinese medicine, emotions indeed play a big role in health, and I've written about this in the article  TCM: Emotions and Health .)   By this point, we had chatted for a while, and he had to take a phone call. I thanked him for his valuable advice and time and went back to my room to record all that I could remember.   Conclusion When your parents or family members think of you, are they happy or worried? Rather than being upset at criticism, we could change our perspective and see their criticisms as an expression of their concern for us, and if we want to help them calm down, we should do a better job to ease their worries. Even better, to make them delighted, we could sense their unspoken needs and fulfill their aspirations for us. And no matter what we do, as long as we whole-heartedly and single-mindedly dedicate ourselves to something, we too can create miracles. Thank you again to Mr. Wang for the insightful wisdom! Weekly Wisdom #344

Recently, I finished teaching a two-month English course aimed at helping some students pass their IELTS test. Most of them are beginner level, but they need to pass the lower-intermediate or intermediate level. In other words, it's no small feat.   Throughout these two months, I realized that the hardest thing isn't teaching English or IELTS tactics. The hardest thing is helping the students maintain a good emotional state. Because they have strong pressure to achieve a high result in a short time frame, which is very difficult, they understandably get anxious and stressed a lot.   Every week, there are a couple students who get emotionally unstable. The IELTS test is one source of their stress, but there are other factors too, like conflict with classmates, or body discomfort, or bad sleep. Fortunately, there are always some students who have a good emotional state, and they'll help to comfort the students in a bad emotional state.   I teach them every day, and outside of class, I continue to tutor them. Sometimes, I feel like it's a contest between my calm and positive energy against their stress and negative energy. Sometimes my energy can overcome theirs, and other times, their energy overpowers mine.   Every day, I repeat the same things to them: "You can do it. You have to believe in yourself. Focus on the process. Don't be impatient for quick results. Don't get disheartened at failure or mistakes, it's part of the learning process. You have to accumulate mistakes to succeed. You have to practice staying calm. Be focused when you study and practice. Take care of your health. Notice your own improvement and encourage yourself. Be your own cheerleader. If you encounter difficulties, communicate with me promptly and we can solve it together."   Image Source: ChaptGPT At the end of the two months, many of them told me that their biggest gain from my class isn't English, but rather an improvement in their attitude. Two months isn't that long, but it also isn't that short either, and I noticed that most of them improved their sense of confidence and emotional stability as compared to the beginning.   From this experience, I realized that we really shouldn't expect people to change after we give them advice once or twice. If we're serious about helping others to change, we have to accompany them for a long period of time, and throughout this time period, we need to set a good example and use a good attitude to give frequent reminders and encouragement.   It's easy to give advice. It's much harder to role model that advice and repeatedly give the same advice every day without getting impatient. But only when we can do this would they have faith in us and be willing to listen to us; if we get impatient, they will think we don't really care about them, and they'd lose motivation to change. The reason we'd get frustrated is because we aren't empathetic enough. I'm sure my students all want to remain calm and have faith in themselves, but they can't control their emotions sometimes. They're not purposely ignoring my advice, it's just that changing habits takes time.   When I see things from this perspective, I gain more patience. My job is precisely to remind and encourage them when they revert to their old habits, and each time they will improve a bit. Although the improvement might not be noticeable day to day, with enough accumulation, they will eventually have noticeable change.   As Epictetus said, “Nothing important comes into being overnight; even grapes and figs need time to ripen. If you say that you want a fig now, I will tell you to be patient. First, you must allow the tree to flower, then put forth fruit; then you have to wait until the fruit is ripe."   Is there anyone you've been trying to change? Do you patiently focus on the process, or have you become impatient at the lack of results? Weekly Wisdom #343

Once upon a time, a group of ducks saw an eagle soaring in the sky. They all watched in envy and wished they could fly like the eagle. One duck said, "Why don't we go ask the eagle to teach us how to fly?" The other ducks agreed that it's worth a try.   They then waddled to the eagle's nest and respectfully asked the eagle if he could teach them how to fly. The eagle was very kind and respected their boldness, so he agreed to teach them. Image Source: ChatGPT The ducks then spent the whole day learning and practicing how to fly from the eagle. Finally, at the end of the day, the ducks were able to fly. They then thanked the eagle and waddled back home.   Commentary We've probably all learned many useful things in life, whether from reading books, listening to podcasts, or attending classes. Perhaps it's things related to our health, relationship advice, communication methods, career advancement, or other useful things that, if implemented consistently, could really improve our quality of life. The big question is, do we remember to use them? Or do we revert back to our old habits like the ducks?   Of course, it takes time and accumulation to change a habit and truly internalize the things we've learned. The important thing is that we have the intention to improve ourselves and to persist in that daily practice. Weekly Wisdom #342

Albert is a farmer, and his chickens lay many eggs every day. He cannot eat them all, so he decides to offer two eggs to his neighbor Ben every day. Ben likes eggs, and he is very happy and thankful towards Albert. As time goes on, Ben eventually becomes used to receiving two eggs from Albert every day, and he expects it just like he expects the sun to rise in the morning.   One day, Albert was talking to his other neighbor, Chris, and he found out that Chris also loves eggs. As a result, Albert decided to offer one egg to Chris and the other egg to Ben every day. Chris was very thankful to Albert, but Ben became very upset. Image Source: ChatGPT What do you think will happen next in this story? If you were Albert, what would you do? … Most people would probably agree that Ben is in the wrong. After all, the eggs belong to Albert, so naturally, he has the right to give the eggs away in whatever way he wants. Ben was never entitled to Albert's eggs, so he has no right to be upset if Albert stops giving eggs to him. If Ben is so unappreciative, then Albert may very well stop giving eggs to Ben altogether as a way to teach him a lesson. From this simple example, we can see the harmful nature of entitlement.   But perhaps the most problematic aspect of entitlement is that it creeps up on us without us even realizing it. For example, how many of us frequently feel grateful for our family members? Oftentimes, if a stranger, friend, or colleague does something nice for us, we feel so touched, yet when our family members do things for us day in and day out, we don't feel it's anything special. Why? One factor is because our family members give to us all the time, such that we've become accustomed to it, while friends and colleagues might help us only once in a while, so we take big notice of it. Although this is a common phenomenon among people, that doesn't mean it's good.   When people don't feel appreciated, they will stop wanting to give. The opposite is also true: if we frequently express our gratitude through our words and actions, then people would be happy to give more. Thus, gratitude attracts more, while entitlement attracts loss. What we have to be cognizant of is the fact that if we don't consciously cultivate our gratitude, then entitlement will creep up on us.   In the story, if Ben had consciously practiced gratitude, then he wouldn't have caused conflict with Albert later. This practice of gratitude isn't merely saying "thank you" each time Albert gives him eggs. If he truly holds the intention of gratitude, he would try to find ways to give back to Albert. Perhaps he might give small gifts once in a way or do some nice things for Albert. Albert would then feel that Ben is very appreciative towards him, and they would both feel motivated to give each other more.   Moreover, rather than getting angry, Ben should really reflect on himself, " Really, why would Albert give me less eggs than before and start giving some of those eggs to Chris? Did I do something wrong? How is Chris better than me? " If he humbly reflected on himself, he might realize that he wasn't appreciative enough towards Albert, and that perhaps Chris treats Albert quite well, so it's only natural that Albert wants to give back to Chris. The same is true for us if people stop giving us what they used to give to us.   Image Source: Unsplash Another question worth discussing is why exactly Ben got angry. Is he truly angry over a couple eggs? Or is there something deeper? … If we think about fights we've had with our family members, a lot of the time, it's about small matters. But is the fight really about the matter? Even if that matter gets resolved, later another problem pops up. Ultimately, the root of the conflict is not the matter, but rather the people's attitude towards each other, specifically their lack of respect and consideration towards each other. Because Albert gave two eggs to Ben every day for quite a while, Ben believed that Albert would continue to do so. When Albert suddenly stopped, Ben might've thought, " What! Why didn't you tell me beforehand that you would stop giving me two eggs? If I knew beforehand, I could've had some time to prepare. How could you be so inconsiderate towards me! "   Although Ben is still in the wrong, and he really doesn't have a right to be upset at Albert, we can't deny that many people in Ben's situation would have thoughts like that.   That raises another question: How could Albert have prevented this conflict?  ….   Although it's very noble to practice kindness and giving, compassion must be balanced with wisdom. Wise people aren't just logical, they are also emotionally astute. We need to understand that it's human nature for people to get used to things rather quickly, and that means most people will start taking things for granted if they receive it all the time. It's also human nature to hate sudden changes and to lose what we previously had.   If Albert had been more emotionally sensitive, he could've foreshadowed the change and implemented it more gradually. For example, he could mention to Ben in passing, " Chris told me the other day that he really loves eggs, but his chickens don't lay enough. Everyone has their own problems, huh? "   And then later, he could say, "Chris helped me fix my broken tool. I'd like to give him some eggs in return."   If we give to others and notice that they seem to take our giving for granted, then it's important to not grow their entitlement. We should let them understand that it's not easy to obtain this and that it's important to have gratitude.   If it's awkward for us to tell them to be grateful to us, we can ask a third party to help communicate the message. For example, Albert could get a mutual friend to chat with Ben and mention in passing, " Wow, you're so lucky that Albert gives you eggs every day! Have you given him anything in return? " Another example is in a family, the father tells the child to appreciate the mother, while the mother tells the child to appreciate the father.   We could also find an excuse to stop giving temporarily, and when the other person loses what they had for a while, they might start appreciating it more. For example, if Albert had family over for a week and didn't have any extra eggs to give to Ben as a result, Ben might start to notice that he took Albert's giving for granted. Once the other person has an attitude of gratitude again, we can resume giving.   My Experience Before I started learning ancient philosophies, I had never placed much importance on gratitude. I also complained a lot, which meant I was often unhappy. Later, I read a quote from Seneca that really resonates with me: "No person has the power to have everything they want, but it is in their power to not want what they don't have, and to cheerfully put to good use what they do have."   I realized that I often focus on what I don't have or what's not going well in life, and as a result, I'm blind to all the things I do have and all the good things that I could be grateful and happy for. Hence, I decided to try keeping a gratitude journal to see if it would boost my happiness. Slowly over time, I felt like my gratitude muscle got stronger, and I indeed felt happier in life. Image Source: Unsplash At the beginning, I would practice being grateful for simple and small things in daily life, such as having a house to live in, a bed to sleep in, enough food to eat, access to public transportation, etc. All these are things that I've gotten used to and taken for granted, but when I consciously expressed gratitude for them, I started feeling happier.   I also learned from Confucianism that the root of all our relationship problems lies in our relationships with parents. Parents gave the most to us, so it's only natural to be grateful for our parents, and when we are grateful to someone, we would naturally be respectful and kind to them. However, so many of us get used to our parents and family members' giving that we take them for granted, and we become rather demanding and impatient towards them.   So I also tried practicing gratitude when I got into conflict with family members and other people. Although I was upset, I tried to remind myself of all that they have done for me in the past, and to focus on their kindness rather than faults. This would help me calm down and be willing to apologize because I care more about the relationship than about the matter. This takes practice, and I'm still practicing, but slowly, we become better at it. When we have good relationships, we will have much more happiness in life.   Conclusion What do you take for granted that you could express more appreciation for? How can you better balance kindness with wisdom? Weekly Wisdom #341

Su Dongpo (蘇東坡) was a talented and famous author and poet during the Song Dynasty (about a thousand years ago) in China's history. He had a friend who was a high accomplished monk named Master Fo Yin (佛印). One time, while he was in Huangzhou, Su Dongpo had a burst of inspiration and wrote the following poem: I bow to the Buddha, Whose light of wisdom, Shines on us all. Sitting on my golden lotus, Even the eight winds, Cannot move me at all. (Original text: 稽首天中天，毫光照大千；八風吹不動，端坐紫金蓮。The original text is a poem, so I did my best to make the translation poetic.) After writing it, Su Dongpo felt quite pleased. Not only did he praise the Buddha poetically, he also subtly hinted at his own transcendence, saying that the "eight winds" cannot move him. Su Dongpo then sealed the poem in an envelope and had a messenger send it to Master Foyin across the river at Jinshan Temple. He believed Master Foyin would surely praise his poem greatly. Image Source However, when Master Foyin read the poem, he wrote “Fart” at the bottom of it and sent it back with the messenger. When Su Dongpo saw the word “Fart,” he immediately became furious and shouted, “How outrageous!” He stormed off to Jinshan Temple to confront Master Foyin, but when he arrived, he found that Master Foyin had already ordered that no guests would be seen today. Su Dongpo, even angrier, ignored this and was about to push open the door when he saw a note on the door, which read: The eight winds cannot move you, Yet one fart blew you across the river? Image Source Upon reading this, Su Dongpo realized his mistake and was deeply humbled. Commentary In Buddhism, the "eight winds" refer to four common favorable and unfavorable circumstances: gains and losses, praise and insult, good and bad reputation, joy and suffering. Buddhism teaches us to cultivate the mind so that whenever we encounter any of these eight winds, our mind and emotions remain unmoved and undisturbed. This is what Su Dongpo meant by "the eight winds cannot move me." Image Source This story teaches us to be vigilant in guarding against pride. Obviously, no one likes people who are arrogant and full of themselves. People who are overconfident in themselves are also more likely to take risks that they really shouldn't because they overestimate themselves, thereby attracting danger. Moreover, when we think highly of ourselves, we might boast about ourselves towards others, as was the case with Su Dongpo. This is also very dangerous. Why? Because people will have extremely high expectations towards us. Later, when people observe us, they'll notice that we can't actually walk our talk, and then slander will come. Thus, a person with true cultivation and wisdom wouldn't boast about oneself to others. As Ezra Taft Benson said, "With pride, there are many curses. With humility, there come many blessings." My mentor also said to me before, "If you think you're really something, then you're really nothing." In other words, if you think you're really good, then you're no longer good. If you think you're worthy, then you're not really worthy. Those who become proud and conceited after success and gains will soon meet their downfall. Only those who remain humble and cautious in the face of success and gains can avoid danger and maintain their success. Su Dongpo is actually quite fortunate to have a great and wise friend like Master Foyin who not only saw his problem but was also willing to point it out and nip it in the bud before his pride developed further. This also shows that Su Dongpo must have had a sufficient amount of humility, as well as trust and respect for Master Foyin, or else Master Foyin wouldn't have bothered to criticize him. Even more admirable was Master Foyin's skillful way of guiding Su Dongpo to realize his own mistake without even needing to tell him in person. Advising others on their shortcomings is something we all need to do in life, so we should all learn from Master Foyin's spirit. Finally, to attain the level of being unaffected by the eight winds is no easy task, but it is a worthwhile pursuit. Currently, I'm helping some students prepare for their IELTS test (an English proficiency test), and some of them are rather frustrated. Emotions are contagious, so either their negativity will overcome my calm, or my calm will overcome their negativity. It's a daily battle. Moreover, whether or not they pass their test will inevitably be linked to me, and I mustn't become proud if they pass or dejected if they don't. If they pass, that's mainly due to their abilities and hard work; I'm merely a supporting factor. For the same reason, if they don't pass, I mustn't lose self-confidence, but I should encourage them to keep on studying and try again in the future. Conclusion The eight winds are not to be underestimated, and if we want to maintain success, we must be vigilant against pride and be thankful for those who point out our faults. Weekly Wisdom #340

Master Foyin (佛印) was a renowned Zen monk of high cultivation during the Song dynasty of China's history (about a thousand years ago). One time, he was teaching his friend Su Dongpo (蘇東坡), who was a famous author and poet at the time, how to do Zen meditation, which involves sitting in silence and emptying the mind of all wandering thoughts. Su Dongpo happily sat across from Master Foyin and started to do Zen meditation. Image Source: ChatGPT After a while, Su Dongpo asked Master Foyin, “What do you think I looked like while I was meditating?” Master Foyin calmly replied, “You looked like a Buddha.” Su Dongpo felt quite pleased with this answer, and noticing that Master Foyin was a bit overweight, he decided to make a joke. “Do you know what you looked like to me?" Master Foyin quietly asked, “What?” Su Dongpo chuckled and teasingly replied, “Like a pile of cow dung!” After saying this, Su Dongpo looked at Master Foyin, but saw that the master remained unmoved, sitting calmly with his eyes closed. As a result, Su Dongpo felt a bit unsettled. When Su Dongpo returned home, he proudly told his younger sister about the incident. To his surprise, his sister replied, "How could someone of your abilities practice Zen? Don't you know that the essence of Zen is to cultivate the mind? What's in your mind will be what you see. Master Foyin said you look like a Buddha, which means his mind has the Buddha in it. You said Master Foyin looks like cow dung, just think about what your mind has in it!" After hearing this, Su Dongpo suddenly realized his fault and felt deeply ashamed. Commentary This story reminds me of another story about Venerable Jing Kong, who is a contemporary renowned monk. One time, Venerable Jing Kong's secretary brought a pile of letters and said, "These are all letters full of criticism and slander towards you." Venerable Jing Kong replied, "That's fine. I don't need to read to them. You can throw them away." Image Source: ChatGPT The secretary replied, "What? You're not going to read them? Why?" Venerable Jing Kong replied, "Why should I read them? One of the dumbest things we can do is to take other people's garbage and put it in our pristine mind. I only put other people's goodness in my mind." Both these stories remind me of a quote by Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius: "The things you think about determine the quality of your mind. Your soul takes on the color of your thoughts." Our thoughts and what we put in our mind determine how we feel, what we do, and ultimately our actions and results. When we hold negative thoughts and emotions in our minds, we immediately suffer direct damage, and those around us suffer collateral damage. The longer we let these negative thoughts continue, the greater their impact. Moreover, if we hold negative thoughts about others, that will lead to a negative loop cycle. Because we think negatively about them, we'll treat them in a more negative way, which then makes them respond to us in a more negative manner, and that reinforces our negative beliefs about them. Thus, we see how insidious negative thoughts and beliefs are, as well as why Venerable Jing Kong refused to taint his mind with other people's faults. This doesn't mean he isn't aware of other people's faults, but rather he refuses to let those thoughts stay in his mind when they don't need to be there, and he chooses to focus on other people's good points instead, which would create a positive reinforcement cycle. Ultimately, the importance of cultivating our mind and thoughts cannot be stressed enough. Unfortunately, so many people neglect this and instead seek happiness from external circumstances or people, which leads to frustration and disappointment. My Experience Recently, I've been teaching some students English as they prepare for the IELTS test (an English proficiency test). Some students are quite frustrated with learning English because they feel it is too difficult to get their target score in a short time frame. While it's certainly understandable that most people would feel frustrated in such a situation, a true philosopher and self-cultivator wouldn't blame their feelings on external circumstances. If we ourselves do not have impatience and unreasonable expectations, then we wouldn't feel frustrated. Thus, we see and experience what we hold in our mind. Of course, this is much easier said than done, and I'm certainly not looking down on people who blame their negative emotions on external circumstances. Rather, I hope to encourage everyone to overcome this troublesome habit. I am working towards this goal as well. For example, I recently caught myself criticizing a student because she kept complaining about how it's so hard and frustrating to remember English vocabulary. After hearing her complain many times, I finally told her, "OK, I really don't understand why it's so hard for you to remember vocabulary. How about I observe you do your vocabulary study and see if I can find any issues?" I then observed her, and I found many issues. Moreover, I told all the students before to not do those things and to do other things instead, but she didn't follow my instructions. However, it isn't that she doesn't want to listen, it's that she encountered difficulties and didn't know how to overcome them, so she just continued using her own way. I then blamed her and said, "I said before that if I give you guys a method and you try it but don't get a good result, you should tell me, and then we can troubleshoot. Why didn't you ask me to come observe you earlier? You need to be more proactive." She said sorry. Later, I reflected on my attitude and realized it's not right for me to feel annoyed and blame her. If I had more kindness and humility in my mind, as opposed to impatience and defensiveness, then I wouldn't have viewed her as the problem. Instead, I would've blamed myself and said, "I'm sorry I didn't communicate better before and didn't check on you earlier." That would've been much more comforting and motivating, which would lead to better results and a better relationship than blaming and criticizing. Conclusion We see what we are. What we hold in our mind influences how we see external circumstances and other people. If we truly want to solve our problems from the root, we have to reflect on our thoughts and what we hold in our mind. Weekly Wisdom #339

At the end of the Shang Dynasty (about 3000 years ago) in China's history, the State of Yu (虞) and the State of Rui (芮) were neighbours. They had peaceful relations for many years, but with the succession of new rulers, eventually, a conflict broke out regarding a piece of land at the border of the two states. This piece of land was about ten li  (5 kilometres) in area, and it was full of lush forest and fertile soil. Both state rulers wanted to claim it, and they both searched for evidence to prove that the land belonged to them. The dispute dragged on for many years without resolution.   One day, a merchant from the State of Yu returned from the State of Zhou  (周) , and he told the two state rulers: " I recently returned from the State of Zhou, and its ruler,   Lord Jichang (姬昌) , is widely respected for his fairness and virtue. The citizens happily follow his governance. If both lords are willing, I suggest you visit him and ask him to mediate this dispute. "   The rulers of Yu and Rui agreed and set out for the State of Zhou. As they traveled into Zhou territory, they noticed that the sky seemed bluer, the waters clearer, the mountains greener, and even the chirping of birds more pleasant. At first, they thought it was just the novelty of arriving in a new place, but as their journey continued, they became increasingly impressed by what they observed.   While passing by some farmland, they noticed two farmers arguing. One farmer said: "Friend, if you plow a bit more of this land, you could grow more crops. Why leave such a wide boundary path?”   The other farmer, annoyed, replied: “My dear friend, you’re too fussy! I told you long ago: that land is yours. How could I plant crops on your land?” Image Source The rulers of Yu and Rui were quite astonished to see these two farmers insisting on giving rather than taking.   As they continued on their journey, they saw pedestrians politely making way for each other; no one walked down the middle of the path. Moreover, young people helped elders to carry things.   Suddenly, they saw a young man run into a kid, causing the kid to fall over. The young man immediately said, "I'm so sorry for running into you. Are you OK? Let me carry you home. It's my fault."   The boy quickly got up by himself and said, "It's OK, don't worry, I can get home by myself."   The two rulers were quite shocked at how polite and considerate these citizens of Zhou were, and they felt ashamed when they thought of their own citizens in comparison. Image Source When they arrived in the capital city of the state of Zhou, it was already late in the evening, so they found an inn to stay at for the night. Before going to sleep, they went to lock the door, but strangely, they couldn't find the door bolt. They then asked the innkeeper, who told them: "We don't have a door bolt. The people here are very civilized and honest; no one would steal your things, so no one locks their doors at night."   The rulers were shocked. The next morning, as they left the inn, they heard a woman on the road shouting, "Who dropped this?" It was a very expensive item, and she stayed there waiting for the owner to return.   When they arrived at the royal court, they saw the court officials conducting their duties proactively and in an orderly manner. Everyone was courteous, humble, and yielding, letting others go first.   Image Source At this point, the rulers of Yu and Rui felt too ashamed of themselves to request a meeting with the ruler of Zhou. They looked at each other and said: “We are rulers, yet we are not even as virtuous as the common folk here! Our argument would be seen as a disgrace here in the state of Zhou. Let's not embarrass ourselves in front of Lord Jichang."   After returning to their own states, the rulers of Yu and Rui both made concessions and tried to yield the land to each other. In the end, neither of them occupied that land, and that piece of land still exists today. By yielding, not only did they gain harmony, but the story of their land-yielding has been passed down for thousands of years.   Commentary Have you ever wanted someone else to change, but they refused? Perhaps you asked them to be more considerate, respectful, patient, or careful, but they didn’t take your advice to heart. Why is that? One possible reason is that we haven't set a good example ourselves, so they'll think, "You're no better than me. What right do you have to demand better of me?"   If we truly want others to have lasting change, we have to inspire them, not demand or force them to change. When people feel inspired and impressed by a role model, they will be self-motivated to change. For example, there weren't any laws in the state of Zhou demanding citizens to yield land to their neighbors, but the citizens were naturally self-motivated to be highly civilized, and this was a result of Lord Jichang's great role modeling.   On the other hand, if we force others to change by using threats and punishments, yet we ourselves to don't role model that good behavior, then others might comply temporarily because we have more power over them, but as they accumulate resentment, they will eventually rebel. In other words, people's good behavior don't arise because we demand it out of them, but rather because they are inspired and touched by good role models.   Every human being has a conscience, but that conscience might get clouded by selfishness. However, seeing a moral role model can bring out others' inner conscience, making them feel a sense of shame for their immoral behavior. That feeling of "I shouldn't do that; I should be better" is an inner motivation to change, and inner motivation is long-lasting. This was what happened in the story with the rulers of Yu and Rui.   An important point to note is that we need to have the right intention when we role model good behavior. We do the right thing simply because it is the right thing to do, not because we want others to emulate us. If we have any demands towards others, then we would became impatient if they don't change promptly. If we start criticizing them as a result, then they'll think,  "So you are only putting on an act to demand things from me. You're not actually sincere in your good behavior."  As a result, they'll lose respect for us and oppose us.   As Confucius said, "If a leader has good role modeling, then people will carry out their duties without being ordered. If the leader does not have good role modeling, then people will not obey despite being ordered."  (Original text: "子曰：其身正，不令而行；其身不正，雖令不從。")   This isn't to say that rules and punishments are unnecessary, but rather that rules and punishments alone aren't enough to create long-lasting change in others. Additionally, we need to build trust with others, which can be done by having their best intentions in mind and helping them feel understood.   Concluding Thoughts Do you wish for the people around you to be different in any way? Do you role model that behavior for them? Weekly Wisdom #338

Once there was a young American man who was so poor that he couldn’t even afford to buy a suit. However, he persisted in chasing his dream of becoming an actor, filmmaker, and celebrity.    At the time, Hollywood had 500 movie companies. He created a route and planned in what order he’d visit each company to propose his manuscript to them. He then visited each company one by one.    After the first round of visits, all 500 companies rejected him. Despite this, he did not get disheartened. He started all over again from the first company and did a second round.  Again, he received 500 rejections. He then tried a third round, but the result was the same. He grit his teeth and went for a fourth round.    This time, the 349th company agreed to review his manuscript in more detail. A few days later, the company called him to discuss the movie in further detail. It was in this discussion that the company decided to invest in this movie and give this young man the lead actor role.    This movie is called Rocky , and the young man’s name is Sylvester Stallone.   Image Source: ChatGPT Do you have the courage to meet 1849 rejections? Have you experienced 1849 rejections? If not, don’t ask why good luck hasn’t come yet.    (Source: Harvard Family Education )   Commentary Everyone would probably agree that persistence is key to success. However, persistence alone isn't enough. Stallone "failed" over a thousand times, but he eventually succeeded, and I think that's because he reflected on his past failures and improved as a result. In other words, persistence only leads to success if we learn from our past failures.   Another important question that comes to mind is, "Why was Stallone able to persist for so long? What was his motivation?"   There are many sources of motivation, and I often think of four mentioned by Jay Shetty in his book Think Like a Monk : fear, desire, duty, and love. The story above mentioned that becoming an actor, filmmaker, and celebrity was Stallone's dream. In other words, he has a strong love and passion for acting and filmmaking.    Other people might be motivated by the fear of not having enough money to pay the bills, or a strong desire to gain something, or a sense of duty. Although we might not share the same passion as Stallone, we should reflect on what we do and our level of motivation. The stronger our motivation, the more we are able to persist in the face of difficulties, which are inevitable on the path to success.   Concluding Thoughts What are some important lessons you've learned from past failures? What motivates you to keep going after failures? Weekly Wisdom #337

Peter has known his friend Albert for many years. One day, Albert told him an unforgettable story. He said: I used to be the type of person who always complained about everything, so I was never happy. But during the Spring of 1934 when I was walking along Dove Street in the village of Westbury, I saw something that eliminated all my negativity. This event lasted less than 10 seconds, but I learned more in those 10 seconds than in my past 10 years.    You see, I had opened a small department store in Westbury, but after 2 years, not only did it drain all my savings, it even made me accumulate debt. Ultimately, I had to close the store down.    I was walking to the bank, planning to ask for a loan, after which I would return to my hometown to find a job. I was dejected and lifeless because I had already lost my sense of confidence and willpower.    Suddenly, I saw a person without feet coming my way. He sat on a wooden board with wheels attached. Each of his hands held a wooden stick to help him move. I just happened to see him as he was crossing the street, and he just happened to glance my way, and our gaze met for a brief moment. He smiled at me and said, “Good morning! Good weather today, isn’t it?”   Image Source: ChatGPT The sound of his voice was full of infectious joy and spirit. He didn’t seem like a disabled person at all.    When I stood there and looked at him, I thought about how fortunate I am. I have two legs, and I can walk. But compared to his self-confident gaze, I felt like I’m the disabled one. I told myself, “If he can be happy despite not having feet, there’s no reason why I can’t be happy with my two legs.”   I suddenly felt like a dark cloud had been lifted. I originally planned to borrow 100 dollars from the bank, but then I had the courage to ask for 200 dollars. I originally planned to return to my hometown and ask someone to help me find any job, but then I had the confidence to go to Kansas City and find a good job. In the end, I succeeded in getting that loan and finding a good job.    Later, I used two lines to write down this experience and put it on my bathroom mirror so that I can read it every day while I shave. The two lines are: “I was depressed because I had no shoes…until I met someone with no legs!”   (Story Source: Harvard Family Education)   Commentary Stoic philosopher Epictetus said, "It isn't events themselves that disturb people, but only their judgments about them."   Another Stoic philosopher, Seneca, said, “A man is as unhappy as he has convinced himself he is.”   In other words, events aren't inherently good or bad, but we judge them to be so, and that judgment determines our level of happiness or lack thereof. Albert was initially depressed at his circumstances, but after encountering someone responding positively to a much worse circumstance, he was inspired to view his circumstances more positively, gaining gratitude and confidence in himself. That positive outlook was key to him creating a brighter future for himself.   When we face difficult and depressing situations, we can remind ourselves that we don't have  to get upset. Ultimately, we are in control of our feelings. If a person with no feet can remain positive and confident, then there's no reason we can't do the same in our circumstances. It just takes conscious effort and practice.   Recently, I accidentally spilled water over my laptop. I was quite upset because I really like my laptop. I've been using it for 7 years, and it was still going strong. If I didn't spill water on it, I believe I could easily continue using it for years. I was quite frustrated at myself for making such a dumb and costly mistake.   Getting upset in that moment is normal. But staying upset for a long time afterwards is unhelpful and harmful for my emotional health. So, rather than sinking into negative emotions, I reminded myself of Dr. Zimmerman's "positive but" strategy.   I told myself things such as:  "Although it sucks that I accidentally spilled water on my laptop, BUT at least I can afford a new laptop." "Although not having a laptop prevents me from making lesson PPTs for my teaching work, BUT I don't have to have a PPT to teach lessons. I can manage with just a blackboard. Or I can borrow someone else's laptop." "Although not having a laptop might mean I might actually miss a week of Weekly Wisdom, BUT it's not the end of the world. I can post later and explain that my laptop broke." (In the end, I still managed to post on time) "Although it sucks that I accidentally spilled water on my laptop, BUT I'm glad that after soaking it in rice, I can still sort of use it until my new laptop arrives." "Although I wouldn't prefer to buy a new laptop, BUT I'm very grateful that a peer helped me find a really good deal for a second hand laptop. If my laptop had broken at a different time, I wouldn't have been able to find such a good deal on a new laptop."   Reframing my situation and focusing on the silver lining helped me stay calm, and since I was calm, I didn't rush to buy a new computer. This allowed me to have a chance encounter with a peer who then offered to help me find a great deal. By staying calm, we attract a better future. This is the usefulness of philosophy. It's free, accessible to all, and effective at helping us regulate our emotions.   We all face difficulties and setbacks in life. When this happens, are we able to regulate our negative emotions? Such an ability is a key factor to how our future will turn out. Weekly Wisdom #336

In a small village in Mexico lies a big old clock hanging on the wall of a large church. Beside this church is a small plaza.   One day, an American tourist visited this plaza. He forgot his watch, and he didn’t see the big clock on the church wall. This was also in the 20th century before cellphones were commonplace, so he had no idea what the time was.   He saw a Mexican man with a big sombrero hat and a curved mustache lying on the ground sleeping. Beside him was a donkey.   He then went up to this man and said, “Excuse me sir, do you know what time it is?”   The Mexican man sat up, rubbed his eyes, raised the tail of the donkey, squinted, and then told the American, “It’s 2PM right now.”   Image Source: ChatGPT The American thought the Mexican was playing a joke on him, so he took out his radio, which reports the time. Sure enough, the radio said it’s 2PM.   The American tourist then shopped around the plaza for a while. Later, he came back and asked the Mexican man again, “Excuse me sir, do you know what time it is now?”   The sleepy-eyed Mexican sat up again, raised the donkey’s tail up, squinted, and then said, “It is 4PM now.”   The American checked with the radio again, and indeed it was 4PM. The American was astonished by this donkey who could tell time, so he decided to buy the donkey off the Mexican man.   He then respectfully asked, “Sir, please tell me, how do you find out the time from this donkey?”   The Mexican man smiled and said, “Simple. I sit up, lift the donkey’s tail, and through the gap between the donkey’s tail and butt, I can see the big clock hanging on the church over there. Then I’ll know the time.”   Moral of the story: If we only look at the surface of matters and miss the deeper essence, then we may end up making a laughing stock out of ourselves. (Story source: Harvard Family Education )   Commentary Although we might think the man in the story is a bit dumb, we shouldn’t be so confident that we might not make the same mistake of only seeing the surface of matters. Being able to see the deeper essence and the root of matters is not always that easy.   The Analects of Confucius  says, “Exemplary people attend to the root of matters.”   To become an exemplary person requires learning and cultivation. In other words, it’s common and normal for most people to only see the surface of matters.   To give an analogy, if someone is overweight, that is a surface level symptom. What is the root cause? It’s probably related to their diet and sedentary lifestyle. If that person merely gets surgery to cut away the belly fat, but he doesn’t change his diet and lifestyle, then that belly fat will come back again, along with negative side effects from the surgery. This is attending to the surface level symptoms and missing the root cause.   To be clear, this isn’t to say that symptom-level treatments are bad. If the symptoms are already very severe, we need symptom-level treatments promptly, but if we want to solve the problem long-term, then we need to also have root-level treatments.   Below are some more examples to consider: Is the conflict really about the matter? Or is it about a lack of respect and willingness to understand them? On the surface, it seems like they overreacted to a small matter. But if you look deeper, you’ll see that perhaps they’ve accumulated a lot of resentment over time, and that “small matter” was the last straw. On the surface, they might seem respectful and caring, but can you discern the intention behind their behavior? Is it sincerity or selfishness? On the surface, they might seem critical, but can you discern their intention? Is it annoyance or true care? On the surface, it may seem like happy people have good conditions. But in reality, many people with objectively good conditions are still very unhappy. On the surface, it seems like external stressors are making us stressed. But how come other people in the same situation might not be as stressed as we are?   Conclusion No matter what problem or goal we have, we should ask ourselves: What are the roots, and what are the symptoms? If we only attend to the surface-level symptoms, then we’ll end up like the man who bought the donkey to tell time. Weekly Wisdom #335