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Recently I was talking to a friend who was having some difficulty getting her mom to listen to her. When I listened to her story, I had a thought: "One of the major differences between cultivators and non-cultivators is that cultivators see beyond the level of the matter and into the level of psychology."   By "cultivators", I mean people who cultivate their character and virtues, such as wisdom, kindness, humility, etc. By "psychology", I mean the way people think, their thoughts, and their intentions.   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 In interpersonal conflicts, a lot of people get stuck at the level of the matter. For example, my friend's mother was overworked and biting off more than she could chew. She was working a lot, taking care of elderly parents, and moving houses. My friend wants to help her mother with the moving, but she's studying abroad, so she urged her mother to hire a moving company to make things easier, but her mother refused. This is the matter.   But we have to go beyond the matter and really understand why they are so stubborn about their view. In order to understand others, we have to stop opposing them and judging them, and instead believe that they must have a legitimate reason for believing that they believe. After all, no one purposely tries to be stupid or illogical, so we mustn't judge others to be that way.   At the same time, sometimes people aren't fully aware of why they are so insistent on something, so they cannot articulate themselves clearly. We also have to be understanding here rather than judgmental or demanding. People need time to work out their thoughts, and we can use our own observation abilities to make educated guesses.   So back to my friend and her mom. I asked my friend, "Why do you think your mother is so stubborn about doing everything herself and not hiring a moving company?"   She replied, "I think it's because it's like a taboo in my family to ask for help, so my mom wants to be superwoman and do everything herself, and she doesn't want to show weakness."   I said,  "It's great that you can understand your mother's psychology! Indeed, pretty much everyone has an ego, and the ego wants to look good and capable in front of others. Now that you are aware of her psychology and intention here, you're still going to urge her to hire a moving company, but how might you frame your request differently?"   She thought for a moment and replied, "Maybe I could say that my friend is starting a moving company, and it would be very helpful if she could support my friend's business and be one of their early customers? But it's kind of hard because I don't actually know a friend who's starting a moving business."   I said, "You're going in the right direction! We call this tact. When you truly have the best intentions for someone, and your mind is very peaceful and calm, you'll eventually think of a genius idea. Maybe it's when you're in the shower, or when you first wake up, or after meditation. Tact is key to helping others.   There isn't one correct answer here, but I'll offer one idea. Basically, instead of making it seem like you are helping them, make it seem like they are helping you. It's the nature of the ego to like to be the 'hero' or 'the good guy' and to dislike being 'the one who needs help.'   You could say to your mom, 'I feel really guilty that I can't be there to help you move in this hectic time. I know you can probably handle it, but can you please let me contribute a little bit by hiring a moving company for the family? It'll make me feel a lot better and help me concentrate on my studies."   My friend replied, "Oh I think my mother would be much more willing to take my advice if I framed it that way!"   My friend also talked about how she's worried about the health of many family members, including their diet, lack of exercise, and overconfidence in western medicine. Again, we need to look beyond the level of the matter and into the level of psychology.   Firstly, we have to correct our own intentions. We mustn't have an attitude of opposition, as if we need to "win this debate" or that "they are wrong and I am right". Instead, we should hold intentions of care, respect, and patience. We are advising them because we care about them, but at the same time, we respect their authority over their own lives, and we can patiently advise them over a long-period of time. After all, change requires time. Usually, people don't change after one conversation (unless you threaten them, in which case the change won't last long). It takes consistent care over a long period of time to inspire others to change.   Next, we can try to understand their psychology by putting ourselves in their shoes. Under what conditions would we reject or accept other people's advice? If we think they understand us and know what they're talking about, we'll probably listen to them. So building trust is key.   In order to build trust, we have to let others feel understood, and our own attitude is the root of the problem. If we oppose them, there's no way they'll feel understood. We'll say things like "You have problems with your diet and lifestyle,"  and then they'll get defensive and say, "Who are you to judge my life? Mind your own business."   To correct our own attitude, we have to remember that everyone is doing what they think is right, or if they know it's not right, they can't help it. For example, people eat what they think is healthy, and if they eat something that they know is unhealthy, it's because they think it's a reasonable amount, or because they can't control their cravings. Regardless, we should be understanding rather than judgmental. With this kind of attitude, we might say, " I know you try hard to take care of your health, and it's really difficult to always make the best choices given your busy schedule and food options."   As for the actual health and lifestyle advice, it's better if it comes from a credible expert and if we've tried this advice and got good results. We might say, "My doctor recommended me to watch this health documentary, and I was wondering if you'd like to watch it with me? No pressure though."  Or "I'm feeling great recently, and I think it's because I followed some health advice from XYZ book/expert. I wish I had known this earlier!"  There isn't one correct method or thing to say, and as long as we sincerely care for them and have a correct attitude, we'll definitely find a way.   Conclusion What is a matter that you've been caught up in? How can you see beyond the matter? Weekly Wisdom #350

judgmental towards her, thinking that all she cares about is her grades and that she doesn’t value her relationships responsibility, and then I reminded her that aside from her studies, it's really important to build good relationships is not dependent on how good our grades were in school, but rather on our interpersonal skills and relationships Moreover, having good relationships with classmates will make us happier, and we can all help each other belief, we will view others in a better light, and we will have better, more harmonious and happier relationships

Recently, I finished teaching a two-month English course aimed at helping some students pass their IELTS test. Most of them are beginner level, but they need to pass the lower-intermediate or intermediate level. In other words, it's no small feat.   Throughout these two months, I realized that the hardest thing isn't teaching English or IELTS tactics. The hardest thing is helping the students maintain a good emotional state. Because they have strong pressure to achieve a high result in a short time frame, which is very difficult, they understandably get anxious and stressed a lot.   Every week, there are a couple students who get emotionally unstable. The IELTS test is one source of their stress, but there are other factors too, like conflict with classmates, or body discomfort, or bad sleep. Fortunately, there are always some students who have a good emotional state, and they'll help to comfort the students in a bad emotional state.   I teach them every day, and outside of class, I continue to tutor them. Sometimes, I feel like it's a contest between my calm and positive energy against their stress and negative energy. Sometimes my energy can overcome theirs, and other times, their energy overpowers mine.   Every day, I repeat the same things to them: "You can do it. You have to believe in yourself. Focus on the process. Don't be impatient for quick results. Don't get disheartened at failure or mistakes, it's part of the learning process. You have to accumulate mistakes to succeed. You have to practice staying calm. Be focused when you study and practice. Take care of your health. Notice your own improvement and encourage yourself. Be your own cheerleader. If you encounter difficulties, communicate with me promptly and we can solve it together."   Image Source: ChaptGPT At the end of the two months, many of them told me that their biggest gain from my class isn't English, but rather an improvement in their attitude. Two months isn't that long, but it also isn't that short either, and I noticed that most of them improved their sense of confidence and emotional stability as compared to the beginning.   From this experience, I realized that we really shouldn't expect people to change after we give them advice once or twice. If we're serious about helping others to change, we have to accompany them for a long period of time, and throughout this time period, we need to set a good example and use a good attitude to give frequent reminders and encouragement.   It's easy to give advice. It's much harder to role model that advice and repeatedly give the same advice every day without getting impatient. But only when we can do this would they have faith in us and be willing to listen to us; if we get impatient, they will think we don't really care about them, and they'd lose motivation to change. The reason we'd get frustrated is because we aren't empathetic enough. I'm sure my students all want to remain calm and have faith in themselves, but they can't control their emotions sometimes. They're not purposely ignoring my advice, it's just that changing habits takes time.   When I see things from this perspective, I gain more patience. My job is precisely to remind and encourage them when they revert to their old habits, and each time they will improve a bit. Although the improvement might not be noticeable day to day, with enough accumulation, they will eventually have noticeable change.   As Epictetus said, “Nothing important comes into being overnight; even grapes and figs need time to ripen. If you say that you want a fig now, I will tell you to be patient. First, you must allow the tree to flower, then put forth fruit; then you have to wait until the fruit is ripe."   Is there anyone you've been trying to change? Do you patiently focus on the process, or have you become impatient at the lack of results? Weekly Wisdom #343

first Additionally, I should value relationship harmony more than convenience and efficiency. Next time, I should tell myself, " Relationship harmony is more important than convenience. The key to a happy life is happy relationships, not convenience or efficiency. " Icon Source If I had Moreover, if I had remembered that relationships with loved ones should be my priority, then despite After all, the key to a happy life is good relationships, not convenience.

It is rude and damages relationships. Examples of hurtful criticism: "What's wrong with you! How many times we try again depends on the relationship. But if the relationship is not that close, such as with friends or colleagues, then we could try three Depending on the relationship, we may need to admonish many times.   The art of criticism is deep and complex, but if we can do it well, our relationships will be much better

I recently heard the saying, "You can either be right or you can be in a relationship." For a relationship to be healthy, we have to care more about the relationship than ourselves. Stated in mathematical terms, Healthy Relationship = Selflessness > Selfishness Our desire to be right Given that different perspectives are all valid, a motto I follow in relationships is "Harmony is always

But if we want to steer relationships towards a better direction, then we need to role model making respectful

Have ever encountered an awkward conflict and not know what to do? That happened to me this past week, and I saw my mentor handle it really smoothly. Image Source: Wix AI Every week, I attend an online Chinese philosophy discussion class with a small group of people. Usually, one person shares a problem they are facing and what they've done to try to solve it, and then the MC guides everyone to discuss the problem together. At the end, our teacher and mentor gives feedback to all our discussed ideas.   This past week was supposed to be my turn to share. That day, I was really tired because I had another presentation as well, and I even had a headache. But I decided I can't pull out last minute, as that'd be too little notice, so I endured my headache and went. To my surprise, there was a new person, and the MC recognized this person. The MC said, "Oh today we have a special guest! We've worked together 3 years ago. It's been such a long time! Let's have him speak a few words."   The MC just wanted him to introduce himself, but he misinterpreted the MC's meaning to mean share about his entire situation and any problems he's facing in life, so he was rather nervous and said, "Seriously? Can you give me some time to prepare?"   The MC said, "Sure,"  and then she talked a bit about other things. Then she invited the guest again. When the guest started speaking, I realized that he thinks he needs to do a full sharing that would take up the time I was supposed to have. I messaged the MC asking, "Am I still sharing today…?"  She replied, "I think he misunderstood my meaning…"   I messaged, "It's OK. It's a rare opportunity for him to get guidance from our mentor. I'll let him have this opportunity today." This worked out to be quite a serendipity because I also had a headache that day, so I was thankful that he unintentionally took my place.   After he shared his story and problems, he said he hopes to get to know everyone and learn from us. The MC asked us if we had any thoughts on what he had shared. No one raised their hand. The MC then asked us to all introduce ourselves to him. Clearly, she was off her game that night; after all, it's rather strange that everyone should introduce themselves to this one new person, but our teacher didn't say anything.   After our self-introductions, the MC then asked the guest to talk more about his job. He replied, "Seriously? We haven't seen each other in three years, and this is how you treat me?"   The MC replied, "It's precisely because I haven't seen you in so long that I want to hear you share more."   At this point, the awkwardness and tension had reached its peak. I had no idea how we could dissolve the tension. Then our teacher stepped in and said, "I think maybe I should speak a few words now. I'm actually pretty happy that they are so excited to see each other again. It's like when you haven't seen a family member for a long time, and then you finally see them again, and you're so excited that you forget how to MC. This is the family culture that we often advocate in Chinese philosophy. I hope everyone feels at home here. And even though each of you may leave here temporarily for personal reasons, know that we'll always welcome you back just like family. As for whether or not you'll be asked to share the first day you're back, that'll depend on the MC."   After my mentor said that, everyone laughed, and the tension was gone. My mentor then added,  "We all need to inspect ourselves frequently: am I living consciously or habitually? In the past, our discussion class was always the same routine. Today, that routine was broken, and our MC struggled to adapt. So we need to all practice living more consciously, which would then allow us to adapt to new situations better. I also think today's discussion is more interesting. Having some unexpected challenge adds spice and excitement, don't you think?"   The rest of the discussion then continued pretty smoothly. After the class was over, I thought the MC might feel really embarrassed about her mess up and keep replaying it in her mind, so I messaged her saying, "Just in case you feel embarrassed about today’s MCing, I am actually quite thankful for it because I got to see how our mentor saves an awkward situation. Also, if I were in your situation, I’d be the same, if not worse. And everyone’s busy thinking about other stuff now, so hope you don’t keep worrying about it."   She replied, "Thanks. This was a good test for my cultivation. Obviously I still need to improve my ability to remain calm in the face of surprises and my adaptability."   Post-Reflection Afterwards, I contemplated why my mentor was able to save that awkward situation. What do you think? I think it's because he always tries to interpret other people's intentions positively. Indeed, the MC didn't have any negative intentions, she was just nervous. By explaining her actions with positive intentions to the audience, people suddenly viewed her in better light.   This principle is widely applicable to daily life. Just this past week, I encountered two classmates slightly arguing about something and then being unhappy. I could've said something like, "Oh you guys really care about each other's opinions so that's why you would try so hard to communicate. Communication is not easy, and taking a break is helpful."   Another time, after a classmate delivered a presentation, I said, "Nice job!"  She said, "No it was mediocre."  I said, "Well no matter how hard we try, we'll always have some mistakes. We need to judge ourselves based on our effort, not the result."  She replied, "But despite my effort, the result is still mediocre."   At this point, I didn't know what to say, so I just didn't say anything. Looking back, the reason I was at a loss for words is because I didn't try to interpret her intentions positively. If I had, I would've said, "Well, I admire how strict you are with yourself, and I'm sure you'll learn and improve from this experience."   Concluding Thoughts When you encounter awkward situations or conflicts, do you try to interpret others' intentions positively? Are you living consciously more or habitually more?

we will treat people differently, which will then create results different as night and day in our relationships

we will treat people differently, which will then create results different as night and day in our relationships

conflict with my parents, but after learning traditional Chinese culture and filial piety, I feel like our relationship

I also learned from Confucianism that the root of all our relationship problems lies in our relationships This would help me calm down and be willing to apologize because I care more about the relationship than When we have good relationships, we will have much more happiness in life.