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Welcome to this article series on Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). The aim of this series is to provide you with foundational and practical knowledge of TCM that you can use to improve your own health at home in daily life. The recommendations in this series are simple, accessible, and mostly free. After all, good health should be something that is accessible to everyone! Here is a clickable table of contents for this series: Introduction and Foundation The Five Elements Profiles Food and Cooking The Five Major Organs The Nine Body Constitutions The Body Clock Common Treatments from a Practitioner My Experience with TCM Health Advice From Doctors At A Chinese Medicine Hospital Sleep Tips from Traditional Chinese Medicine Emotions and Health This article is Part 3: Food and Cooking In the previous articles, we laid the foundation for TCM by talking about Yin Yang, Qi, Blood, acupoints, and the five elements. One of the key factors to health and illness is food. This article will explain how TCM views food, which builds upon the five elements framework. In short, foods all have their specific qualities, and whether or not a food is good for you depends on if your body’s qualities are a good fit for that food’s qualities. Image Source This article will explain Food energies Five flavors Food colors A healthy diet An unhealthy diet Clear bland diet Cooking methods Seasonal eating Other TCM eating tips Food Energies In TCM, foods have different energies and effects. Chinese classics like the Shen Nong Ben Cao Jing (神农本草经) explain that there are four energies: cold, cool , warm , and hot . We can also add neutral energy for foods that are neither cooling nor warming. The food energy refers to how the food makes the body feel, not the temperature of the food. For example, lettuce is considered cold, so even if you eat hot, cooked lettuce, the energy is still cold. Another example: Chinese tea is considered cool even though we drink it hot. After drinking the tea, the heat fades quickly and generates cool energy in the body. Food Flavors In terms of food effects, we have to look at the five flavors: sour, bitter, sweet, pungent/spicy, and salty. Recall from the previous lesson that TCM associates each of the five elements to a taste and organ. That means foods of a particular taste will be good for the organ of that element. For example, the metal element is associated with the pungent and spicy flavors and the Lungs and Large Intestines. That means eating pungent or spicy foods like ginger, garlic, and chili peppers will help those two organs. Note that different foods in the same category have different levels of strength in effect. For example, both ginger and chili peppers are spicy, but chili peppers are much stronger than ginger. Hence it is much easier for people to get excess heat symptoms such as canker sores and constipation from eating chili peppers compared to ginger. Another important point is that when TCM talks about sweet food or salty food, it's not talking about processed white table sugar or processed white table salt. It's talking about naturally sweet foods or naturally salty foods. For the salty flavor, natural sea salt counts. Sea salt comes in crystals and is not homogenous in color; it might be a little gray or even pink. Natural sugars and natural sea salt are binded to many nutrients that processed sugar and salt do not have. Food Colors Remember that each element also has a corresponding color, as shown above in the color of each row. Eating foods of that element’s color also helps the organ of that element. For example, eating white or white-center foods help the nourish Lungs and Large Intestines. Here are common foods under each color category: Green (wood) : leafy greens, beans, avocado Red (fire) : tomatoes, carrots, strawberries, raspberries, apples Yellow (earth) : lemon, soy beans, barley, summer squash White (metal) : daikon radish, turnip, cauliflower, potatoes, mushrooms, garlic, onion, and apples Blue/Black/Purple (Water) : seaweed/kelp, black beans, black rice, blackberries, blue berries, eggplant/aubergine A Healthy Diet Individualized Diet In the west, people look at food in terms of calories and nutrients. There’s a lot of focus on getting enough calories in a day, as well as getting enough nutrients. There’s this assumption that everyone’s bodies are the same. If a food is nutritious, it should be good for everybody. In TCM, whether or not a food is healthy for you depends on your body’s situation and the qualities of that food. If that food has qualities that nurture your specific body situation, then it is healthy for you. For example, you might hear that ginger is really healthy, and a western view would just recommend ginger for everyone. In TCM, ginger is yellow in color, which means it helps the Stomach and Spleen and treats digestion related issues like nausea. When the Stomach has excess cold energy, you might feel morning sickness or get car sick, and ginger also helps treat these. But if your body is showing symptoms of excess heat, such as redness and constipation, then ginger would not be appropriate. Food Temperature and Degree of Cookedness TCM typically recommends warm, well-cooked foods. The way TCM views digestion is like a cooking pot. Our body needs food to be at 37 degrees Celsius to digest it. If the food is too cold, then the body needs to divert energy from other parts of the body to warm up that food. Well-cooked foods also tend to be softer and basically partially digested, so it takes less energy for the Stomach and Spleen, which makes it easier on the whole body. Food Proportions In terms of proportion, different people have different health situations and body constitutions, so there is no one-size-fits-all approach. But generally speaking, TCM views the sweet flavor (e.g., grains, legumes, starchy vegetables) as the main dish, with the other flavors being complementary. I think Dr. Yi Song created a good visual: Image Source From the image, we can see lots of whole grains, beans & lentils, nuts, fruits, and veggies. All these combined should provide the five flavors and five colors. If we look at it from the western medicine perspective, most of these belong in the sweet category and provide carbs. Beans and lentils provide lots of protein, while seeds and nuts provide healthy fat. Around a third of the plate is fruits and vegetables, which provides a variety of vitamins and natural sugars (which are much healthier than processed sugars). Although there is no meat in the image, TCM is not against meat. However, TCM recommends no more than 10% of our meal be meat. From western medicine, we know that meat has a lot of saturated fat, and factory farmed meat has lots of harmful chemicals. Notice that healthy eating in TCM is quite simple and tasty. It promotes eating a variety of flavors and colors, and it emphasizes natural and plant-based foods. When we have all the flavors from natural foods in a meal, we reduce cravings for unhealthy foods. An Unhealthy Diet TCM does not actually ban any foods, but there are common foods that people commonly eat too much of or eat in the wrong situations. For most people in most situations, we should reduce these foods: Raw foods and iced beverages because they are a shock to the body, and it takes a lot of energy for the body to heat up those foods for digestion. (But if your body constitution has too much heat, then these foods can lower your heat) Oily, greasy, and deep fried foods because they can easily cause excess dampness, heat, and stagnation. Processed foods because they cause inflammation. These are foods that are produced in a factory, such as any packaged foods that come in boxes, plastic wrappers, or cans. These foods usually have at least 5 ingredients, most of which are scientific names that normal people don't understand. Alcohol because it can easily lead to excess heat and is highly damaging to the Liver. (But some herbal formulae do use alcohol to treat certain illnesses) Dairy: Dairy is very damp and cold, so it weakens the digestive organs and easily creates excess mucus in the body. Avoid large amounts of dairy. Clear Bland Diet If you are experiencing poor digestion, you can try the Clear Bland Diet . Basically, you eat really bland and cooked foods like white rice, stews, and cooked veggies such that they are nice and soft. All these foods are really easy to digest, and it’s basically food that you would use to wean a baby. You’re not allowed to eat processed foods, meaning anything that has artificial ingredients or that comes in a box, can, jar, or package. You also can’t eat rich and heavy foods such as dairy. Do this until you feel your digestion is good again; it usually takes 3 to 5 days. After that, add back foods one by one and pay attention to how you feel after you add back a food. If you experience negative symptoms, then your body probably has a problem with that food. Cooking Methods TCM also has some guidelines about how to cook foods. Different cooking methods will be more Yang or Yin. In general, cooking with fire adds Yang energy. The fire dries, hardens, and shrinks the food. Food gets harder to digest this way, and it should be avoided by people are have too much Yang in the body. Cooking with water adds more Yin. The food becomes more moist and soft, becoming easy to digest. This is good for all people. Most spices and seasonings are warm or hot in nature, so they are good for balancing cool and cold foods like many vegetables. The main cooking methods are raw, boiling, steaming, stewing, stir frying, baking/roasting, and grilling. 1. Raw People often eat raw salad vegetables, fruits, and nuts. No one really thinks about cooking fruit, though it certainly can be done! In the west, raw vegetables are viewed to be healthier because they offer more vitamins and nutrients, whereas cooking them gets rid of some of those nutrients. The west focuses on the food. In TCM, the focus is on the person. Yes, raw vegetables have more nutrients, but does the person have a strong enough digestive system to actually digest raw foods? Raw vegetables and fruits are very cooling. Some signs of your digestive system being too weak and cold to handle raw foods would be bloating, having gas, Stomach pain, or diarrhea after eating raw foods. In that case, you should cook your foods instead. If you don’t have those problems, and you’re generally pretty hot and energetic, then you have the digestive heat and strength to handle raw foods. Note however that our bodies change over time. So even if raw foods work for you now, they might not work for you in the future if for some reason your digestive system weakens. If that happens, then you know to cook your foods. 2. Boiling: Cooking food in boiling water Boiling foods (e.g., soups and stews) will warm the food and the nutrients will flow out into the liquid. Hence, it’s best to drink the soup rather than throwing away those nutrients. Boiling with too much water will reduce the Yang energy and is not recommended. 3. Steaming: Cooking food with steam from boiling water Steaming foods (e.g., steamed vegetables, dumplings) is a neutral cooking method, and it is one of the healthiest ways. It helps to retain the nutrients and does not change the energy of the food much. 4. Stewing: Cooking food slowly for a long period of time with a minimum amount of liquid. Stewing food (e.g., using a slow cooker) is great for restoring Yang energy in people lacking Yang. 5. Stir Frying: Cooking food in hot oil over a wok or pan. Stir frying (e.g., fried rice, fried vegetables) adds Yang energy to food. You can use high heat to make the surface of the food crunchy (Yang) while maintaining the inner juice (Yin) and nutrients. 6. Baking/Roasting: Cooking food in dry heat such as an oven. Baking food (e.g., roast vegetables, bread) adds Yang energy. It is good for balancing cooling foods with a lot of Yin energy. 7. Grilling: Cooking by applying direct heat to the surface of the food Grilling (e.g., BBQ skewers) adds a lot of Yang energy. Seasonal Eating It’s also important to eat according to the season because our body interacts with the changing environment. Generally speaking, it’s healthier to eat whatever is seasonally available in your local area at that time, but always consider your body constitution first. For example, If you know your constitution is cold and lacking Yang, then even if it is summer, you should still eat in a way to nourish your Yang.   Spring is associated with the wood element and the Liver. Eating leafy greens are great to help the Liver detox. Sprouts and baby veggies are naturally available in spring. Sour foods can nourish the Liver, but in moderate amounts. The Liver is already more active in spring, which might hurt the Spleen, hence why eating more sweet foods would be helpful in spring. The Liver is in charge of the smooth flow of Qi around the body, and pungent foods support this function.   Summer has the most heat and Yang energy, so it’s suitable to eat cooling foods like bitter greens and most fruits that are seasonally available, which help to cool us down. If you sweat a lot in the summer, sour foods help to prevent excessive sweating and loss of Yin. Summer is also the best time to nourish the Heart and replenish Blood by eating more red foods such as cherries, berries, and tomatoes, which become available in summer.   Late summer is associated with the earth element, yellow, sweet, and the Spleen. It’s a good time to nourish the Spleen with earth element foods like root vegetables and grains, which are ready to be harvested by late summer. Light amounts of lightly fragrant spices also help to stimulate appetite and support digestion. Additionally, late summer can be quite damp, so eating dampness-removing foods can be helpful, such as mung beans, Chinese yam, and pearl barley. Late summer is still very hot, so it’s important to stay hydrated, and sour foods help to retain fluids.   Autumn is associated with the metal element, white, pungent, and the Lungs. People start catching colds and flus in the autumn, so incorporating pungent foods is a good way to support the Lungs, which are in charge of the immune system. White foods also nourish the Lungs. Autumn is a season of dryness, so it’s helpful to consume yin-nourishing foods like pears, bananas, lotus root, and snow fungus. Root vegetables are still seasonal in autumn, and their natural sweetness promotes the production of body fluids. Bitter is the most drying flavor, so it’s suitable to reduce bitter foods like coffee.   Winter is associated with the water element, black, salty, and the Kidneys. Winter months are cold, so it’s suitable to eat warming or Yang-nourishing foods. Moderate amounts of salty foods, nuts and seeds, and black-colored foods can help nourish the Kidneys. As always, moderation is important, and too much warming foods can lead to excess heat, in which case some cooling foods would be needed to restore balance. Other TCM Eating Tips Tip 1: Listen to your body Just because someone tells you a food is good doesn’t mean it’s good for YOUR body. Pay careful attention to how you feel after eating a food you suspect isn’t working for you. Tip 2: Eat until 80% full Eating until 100% full burdens the Stomach and Spleen. It’s no surprise that people living in Blue Zones (areas in the world where there are the most number of people living healthily to 100) all eat until 80% full. Tip 3: Eat at regular times The Stomach and Spleen love routine. Eating irregularly will make them unhappy. Tip 4: Eat mindfully When we are in a state of stress or worry, our digestive organs can’t function properly. We should focus on our food and feel gratitude for our food when eating to support the Stomach and Spleen. Tip 5: Eat regional According to TCM, food that grows naturally in our region at the time it is harvested is more beneficial to the people living in that region. For example, it's better to eat apples freshly harvested from your province than to eat apples shipped to your grocery store from another country harvested at who-knows-when. Tip 6: Walk after eating A short walk helps the digestive organs. Tip 7: Do a quick massage on your shin Before or after your meal, spend a minute to push along the tendon that’s on the outer side of the shin, which is a part of your Stomach meridian. TCM doctor Jason Chong demonstrates in this video : In addition to the outer side of the shin, you can also do the inner side, which is a part of your Spleen meridian. Conclusion Understanding TCM’s viewpoint on food gives us a whole new appreciation for the impact of food on our health apart from just nutrition. In TCM, food is categorized based on its energy (from cold to hot), flavor, and color. A healthy diet in TCM consists mostly of grain and vegetables, with a side of sour, pungent, bitter, and salty foods. TCM also explains that the digestive organs prefer cooked and warm foods over raw and cold foods. This article also looked at different cooking methods and how they impact the energy and nutrient-absorption of the food. Finally, it talked about seasonal eating and other eating tips. The next article will go into detail about the five major organs in our bodies. Lastly, I want to thank Dr. Kun Liu for reviewing this article and giving me diet coaching!

What's uncool to do, a burden to hear, and common everywhere? (Hint: it's in the title.) Given the fact that no one likes a complainer, I figured I should try to not be someone that I like, and that means I need to complain less! Although I don't verbally complain very much, I still complain about people and things in my head. And guess who feels bad holding these negative emotions? (Hint: it's not them). Coincidentally, one of my friends was struggling with some workplace drama, and we discussed how to reframe negative situations positively. Rather than wanting people or circumstances to be different, why not ask ourselves to be stronger and more able to deal with any situation thrown at us? The former is outside our control, while the later is completely inside our control. Hence, I proposed that we do the 21-Day No-Complaint Challenge, which I heard about from Tim Ferriss's blog: Real Mind Control: The 21-Day No-Complaint Experiment . Image Source Basically, for 21 days, we must be extra vigilant towards our thoughts and speech. If we think or say a complaint, then we need to propose a solution immediately or reframe it in a positive light. This way, it is not a complaint, it is simply stating a problem and then attempting to find a solution. Examples of complaints: "Why is traffic so horrible today!" "Why is that person so unreasonable?" "Ow! I just hit my foot on the table leg! Damn it!" Examples of non-complaints: "Why is traffic so horrible today! OK I cannot change the traffic, but I can listen to a good podcast to help me make productive and enjoyable use of this time." "Why is that person so unreasonable? OK calm down, there are always going to be unreasonable people in this world, and being able to work well with them is an important ability. They are training my character. I need to be able to stay calm and kind regardless of how others treat me. If I can do that, then I will be invincible." "Ow! I just hit my foot on the table leg! OK, I have no one to blame except for myself. This is reminding me to be less rushed and to keep a calm mind throughout the day." You might be wondering, why 21 days? That's because 21 days is a good amount of time to form or change a habit (though some research says we may need as much as 60 or even 90 days to establish a habit depending on the person and how tough the habit is). Since I am sure I complain about similar things as most people, I'll share my experience in hopes that you may benefit from them and maybe even do your own 21-Day No Complaint Challenge! My Experience Every day in my journal, I wrote down at least one incident that I reframed. At the end of each week, I reviewed my reframes and found patterns in them. I often complain in these situations: When I am in the middle of doing something and then get interrupted. When others misunderstand me and assume I am being stupid or unreasonable, but they never checked with me if their assumption is correct. When others behave illogically or unreasonably. 1: Getting Interrupted This one happened the most frequently. Pretty much every day, I get interrupted by others. Maybe I am in the middle of studying, and then a family member comes to talk to me. Or a neighbor rings the doorbell. Or I am in the middle of talking, and then the other person cuts in and talks for a while. There was even once, I was in the middle of working and then the electricity went out! Sometimes, these interruptions only take a few minutes, other times they take up to an hour or more! Before, I would think, " Really? Why now of all times! Why couldn't you just wait a little longer until I am finished first? " But during the challenge, I reminded myself, " OK, there is no way life will go according to my every desire. Getting interrupted is a normal part of life, and I do not need to get so annoyed by it. Why not just view it as a short break from your work? You have to take a break eventually anyway, so this interruption can serve as two birds one stone. Furthermore, they are not purposefully trying to annoy me, so I shouldn't treat them with annoyance. If I want to have a happy life and happy relationships, I need to train my patience and kindness ." At the beginning, I had to give myself this pep talk a lot, but after a few times, I got used to it. I viewed interruptions as a normal thing, and I was more easily able to respond with a calm and kind heart. 2: Being Misunderstood This one happened a couple times, and it is a big deal for me. I've always hated being wrongfully accused of a crime I did not commit or at least did not intentionally commit. For example, one day my mother came home from the grocery store, and it just happened to be the 15 minute break time during my online class. I saw her bring some groceries into the house, so I asked her if there were more things in the car. She said, " Yes, but don't worry about it. Just leave it in the car. " I thought maybe she did not want me to bring it in because I was wearing work clothes and only had a short break. But I wanted to help out, so I still brought the stuff in. Later, she criticized me and said, " Why didn't you listen? I told you to not bring them in! I originally placed them in a specific order, and now you mixed them all up! " My first thought was, " Seriously?! I was just trying to help! When we bought stuff before, you never ordered stuff in any particular way in the car. How would I know today you did that? And why do you have to assume negative intentions from me? " But since I was being vigilant about my thoughts, I first shut my mouth to not say anything negative. Then I tried to reframe the situation. I reminded myself of a quote that Confucius said, " To not get upset when others misunderstand you, is this not the mark of a superior person? " I want to be a superior person, not an inferior person, so I must not get upset right now. Then I thought of another quote by Emperor Tang Taizong : " If I make others feel bad for criticizing me, then who would be willing to give me advice in the future? " Hence, I calmed down and said, " OK, I am sorry I did not listen. Next time I will check with you first. " Later on in the day, my mother apologized and said she was feeling very rushed and flustered in the morning, so maybe that's why she unfairly criticized me. From that incident, I experienced first-hand how being humble and yielding leads to harmony very quickly, whereas arguing and trying to prove yourself right would surely lead to prolonged suffering for everyone. 3: Others Behaving Unreasonably This one is also something that bothers me a lot, and it happens somewhat often. I am a teacher, and sometimes my students behave unreasonably. For example, one student tends to rush his quizzes. I asked him, " I see you usually get 50% on your quizzes, and you usually do them very fast. How do you think you can do better on your quizzes? " He said, " I can check my quizzes and do them slower. " Hence, I reminded him many times before the start of quizzes to not rush. What happens? He still rushes. Another student has trouble submitting her homework on the school website. I told her, " If you cannot open the school website, please send me a message before class starts to show that you at least tried to submit the homework. This way, you show your respect towards the teacher and class. " I also guided her to reflect on the importance of being respectful in our relationships and career success. What happens? She will remember the next day, but then the day after she forgets again. Yet another student said she wanted to get a good grade in this course at the start of the semester, but then she stopped coming to class after a couple weeks, and then in the last week, she messages me to ask if she can make up all her missed work in the next week. In the past, I would definitely complain about these people acting illogically and insincerely. But during the 21-Day Challenge, I reminded myself, " How others behave is outside my control. How I behave is what's important. If I treat reasonable people with patience and kindness, that's nothing special. If I can treat unreasonable people with patience and kindness, then that is the sign of a true philosopher. Don't look down on them. They are all examiners, testing your virtues. The moment you behave arrogantly towards them, you've failed, and misfortune will be around the corner. " I also reflected that everyone has their bad habits, and habits are very hard to break. They aren't intentionally trying to annoy me, they are just unconscious slaves to their habits. If I get annoyed at them, then I am also being an unconscious slave to my bad habit of complaining. If I have a bad habit, I want others to treat me with kindness and patience. I would not want others to demand me to change in the snap of a finger. Hence, I should treat others the way I want to be treated. I am still working on this one, but I have certainly improved over the 21 days. Conclusion Getting upset and complaining hurts ourselves the most, and it also creates collateral damage to those around us. Although we all want to avoid hurting ourselves and others, complaining is usually a habit. If we want to change a habit, we need to go through a period of conscious training, and that's why I recommend the 21-Day No-Complaint Challenge. Personally, I know that my complaining habit is not completely fixed yet, so the training continues for me. However, it is an enjoyable training! As Socrates said, " Just as one person delights in improving his farm, and another his horse, so I delight in attending to my own improvement day by day. " I hope you took away something useful from my experience, and if you do this challenge too, I'd be happy to hear your learnings! Weekly Wisdom #211

Do you ever feel like it’s so difficult to advise others to change? That we give such heartfelt suggestions, but they seem to be deaf, or they always have a counter-argument to everything we say?   If this situation continues, eventually we just want to save our breath and give up on giving suggestions. But the problem is, these people are our family, friends, colleagues, or leaders. We still have to interact with them frequently, so if we don’t urge them to change, we’ll continue to have conflict and troubles with them.   From another perspective, what is one of the best gifts that we can give others? What is one of the best ways to help others? Wouldn’t that be telling them how to fix a problem that they have in a way that they would be persuaded, which then changes their life for the better? Thus, we see how valuable it is to be able to advise others effectively. But the big question is: How?   Image Source: ChaptGPT In this article, I will share some communication principles that I’ve learned over the years: Correct our own attitude and intentions. Be aware of and maintain our state of mind. Build trust. Don’t make people look bad in front of others. Set the stage. Pick a good setting and time. Be conservative. Be a problem-solver, not a problem-talker. Observe and adjust. Be patient.   I believe that everyone has good intentions and is trying to do what they think is right. No one tries to create conflict or misery on purpose, and conflict arises because people have not learned communication principles. Or even if they have learned, they haven’t really practiced these principles and become proficient at practicing them…yet.   Personally, I still have conflicts with people in daily life, and I’m still working on practicing these principles, but I have found that when I can follow these principles, communication becomes a lot smoother, and the feeling of understanding and warmth we get from good communication is so rewarding. I hope that sharing these principles will be helpful to others.   1: Correct our own thoughts. There’s a Chinese proverb that goes, “When you don’t get what you want, reflect on yourself.”   Icon Source If we advise others, and they don’t respond in the way we hope, we shouldn’t think, “They’re just stubborn. They’re just arrogant. They’ll never understand. It’s no use trying to advise them.”  That’s putting the blame on others, which is not only ineffective, it’s wrong.   Nothing is ever 100% one person’s fault. Sure, their attitude might be a part of the problem, but focusing on their problem isn’t helpful because we cannot control others. Moreover, if someone else advised them, it’s totally possible that they would listen to that other person. In other words, we definitely have a part in the problem, and if we correct our part of the problem, it would naturally change how the other person responds to us. Therefore, when others don’t respond in the way we want, we need to reflect on how we  should change, which would naturally change how they respond  to us.   In terms of how to correct ourselves, the book Liao Fan’s Four Lessons  goes into great detail. The book teaches that we can correct ourselves from three levels: action, speech, and thoughts. The root (or the deepest level) is the level of thoughts. Our speech and actions arise from our thoughts, so the key is to correct our thoughts, which would then influence our feelings and the energy we give off, which then determines other people’s response towards us.   We want to avoid thoughts of Opposition : “You are wrong and I am right; I need to win this argument.” Blame : “It’s your fault. Not mine.” Demands : “You have to listen to me. You have to change. You should apologize.” Stubbornness : “I’m not letting up no matter what.” Complaining : “I don’t like it when you do that. Why did you do that again? How many times do I have to tell you?”   The energy we give is the energy we attract back. When we have the energy of opposition, we attract opposition back. When we have the energy of blame, we attract defensiveness in return. When we demand others to do something, we attract resistance. When we are stubborn, we bring out their stubbornness. When we complain about things, others naturally feel annoyed towards us. The list can go on and on.   Instead, we need to cultivate good, proper, and effective thoughts: Responsibility : “I am responsible for my own feelings and results. If the other person doesn’t respond in the way I want, or if I get upset, I need to change myself, not them. When I change myself, I naturally change the way others respond to me.” Faith in human goodness : “Everyone is trying to do what they think is good, right, or acceptable. If they know something isn’t good but still do it, then they can’t control their bad habits, which was probably developed without their own conscious decision. Since it’s not a result of their conscious decision, they are a victim of misfortune. If I overly criticize them, they might lose faith in themselves and stoop even lower. If I encourage and affirm them, they will try to rise to meet those affirmations.” Understanding :   “When I understand others, I wouldn’t be upset at them anymore. When others feel understood by me, then they’ll have the mental capacity to try to understand me.” Humility :   “I can’t be 100% confident in any of my ideas. Every situation is infinitely complex with so many factors and perspectives, so I should be humble and conservative when communicating my suggestions.” Kindness : “My goal is to help them, not to vent emotions.” The greater good : “I will speak up because I am thinking for the long-term wellness of the bigger group, not just for any one person.”   If we can take the time to organize and clean up our own thoughts and feelings first, then when we communicate, our speech and actions will naturally be good and proper.   (On a related note, these thoughts and attitudes are very important as the receiver of criticism as well. Even if the criticizer is emotional and negative, if we can maintain our calm, humble, and kind energy, the conversation will still go in a good direction.)   2: Be aware of and maintain our state of mind. The first principle requires us to organize and correct our thoughts and intentions before communicating. Once it’s time to communicate, we have to maintain awareness of our state of mind and thoughts throughout the conversation. It’s important to maintain a calm, peaceful, rational, and kind state of mind. There is a Chinese saying that goes, “The first effort in cultivation is to overcome agitation and be able to calm the mind.”   Icon Source Thoughts are habitual, so if we often have negative thoughts of opposition, blame, complaining, defensiveness, etc., then chances are, these thoughts and feelings might pop up during the conversation in response to things the other person said. We don’t have to fear it. We just have to use it as a trigger for us to bring up proper thoughts, like those of responsibility, kindness, and humility. As Liao Fan’s Four Lessons  states: “When proper thoughts arise, improper thoughts naturally lose their power.”   If we happen to get into a heated argument, then it’s helpful to take a break. We can say to the other person,  "Can we talk about this later when we are both calmer?" or "I need to go to the bathroom"  and then do some deep breathing. Most things are not so urgent that we have to talk about them right away, so it’s better to reconvene at a later time when everyone is in a better mood. We can also be tactful and humorous by bringing some sweets and saying, “Let’s sweeten our mouths before we continue”.   3: Build trust Whether or not the other person takes our advice is largely dependent on their level of trust towards us. Two people can give the same suggestion in the same way to the same person, but the result will differ depending on the level of trust between them.   If we advise others and they don’t listen, we should first reflect on whether we’ve done our best to communicate in the best way possible and follow all the other communication principles. If the answer is no, then we can try to improve ourselves. If the answer is yes, then perhaps they just don’t trust us enough yet, in which case we need to spend some time and effort into building trust.   Icon Source How can we build trust? There are many ways, but here are some major ones: Let them feel understood. Let them feel that you have their best intentions at heart. Walk your talk and set a good example. Get the support of other people whom they trust or care about.   First, we have to make them feel that we truly understand them, their situation, and their feelings. That requires us to listen attentively and patiently, ask questions to check our understanding, and then report our understanding and ask them if our understanding is accurate and complete. If we don’t do this, then we don’t have the credentials to advise them, and they wouldn’t trust our advice.   Second, we need to let them feel that we truly have their best intentions at heart. This goes back to principles one and two. If they think we are just complaining or venting, then they would naturally defend themselves and criticize back, so we need to maintain a calm and kind state of mind. We need to check that we understand them and what they want, affirm their good intentions, and then tell them we are on the same team.   Moreover, we should be building the relationship and helping them in regular daily life without any ulterior motives. Every act of kindness and service we do for others is like accumulating trust dollars in that relationship account. In other words, whether or not they listen to us in that conversation depends largely on all the past effort we’ve put into the relationship.   Third, if we are advising others to do something, it’s important that we walk our talk. For example, if we tell others to be more considerate, then we should reflect on ourselves: are we considerate towards others? If yes, then they’ll be more likely to take our advice. If not, then they might respond, “You’re not any better than me, what right do you have to criticize me?”     This doesn’t mean we don’t advise them. It just means we shouldn’t be demanding. We could say, “I have this problem too, but I’m working on it, and I think you would benefit a lot too if you also worked on it. We could support each other.”   Fourth, we can get the support of other people whom they trust or care about, especially if their trust level towards us is not very high (yet). For example, we might tell a family member to eat healthier, but they don’t listen. If we enlist the help of their doctor, they might be more receptive. Or let’s say we want to propose a new idea at the workplace. If it’s just our idea, the leader might not act immediately. But if we get the support of many people and then propose it to the leader, the leader would take it more seriously.   4: Don’t make people look bad in front of others. A rule of etiquette is that we should praise people publicly and criticize privately (with kindness, of course). Icon sources: 1 , 2 Everyone has an ego, and the ego hates looking bad, especially in front of others. If we speak of someone’s faults in front of others, then that person’s ego might get very upset and resent us. When this happens, reason is thrown out the door, and they will become defensive and argue back.   Some people have extra sensitive egos. We  might think we’re just giving a suggestion, but the listener  might interpret it as an attack, so we have to have awareness about the situation and other people’s egos.   For example, let’s say I want to give a suggestion in a work meeting. I need to think about how I phrase the problem. If I say the problem is because of X, then I need to think about who is responsible for X, and whether if that person might feel like I’m indirectly criticizing him for not doing a good enough job at X. If I’m worried about it, I could talk to him privately beforehand and let him know that I have this idea and ask him for their thoughts on it. This is especially important if that person is our leader. We don’t want to accidently create conflict with our leader.   Another tactic is to say, “We are currently doing X well, but I had an idea that could make X even better.”  Or if I’m advising a person in private, and I think that person has a sensitive ego, I could say, “I think you’re doing great at X, and I just had an idea that if you also did Y, it would be even better!”   5: Set the stage Aside from not making others look bad, we should set the stage by making others look good and feel good first. We shouldn’t just jump straight into the problem. To set the stage, we can affirm their contributions, efforts, and good intentions. We should also explain the context and relevant details so that everyone is on the same page about the issue. Then we can start talking about the problem and our recommendation.   Icon Source Setting the stage is so very important. To give an analogy, imagine a top chef cooked a spectacular meal. However, the meal is served in a cheap take-out container at a run-down restaurant. When the customer sees the meal, would she appreciate it the same as if it were served on an elegant plate at a fancy restaurant? Similarly, we might have really good advice that would really benefit the other person or the group, but if we don’t set the stage effectively, it won’t leave a good impression on others.   For example, I recently started doing counseling with a student at school. Before the first counseling session, I imagined that he would be nervous about why he has to do counseling with me. He might resist the idea that he has problems and not want to do counseling. Therefore, I can’t start the counseling session by saying, “The school wants me to do counseling with you because you have some problems, and I’m here to help.”   Instead, what I did was first praise him on a lot of good things that he improved on recently. For example, he had a tantrum, but he was able to calm down after his homeroom teacher talked to him. I praised him on four things and gave him four pieces of candy . Then he felt a lot happier.   I then said, “You are doing great, and the school asked me to be your support in addition to your homeroom teacher. That’s why we are doing counseling. We’ll chat once a week, but we can chat more if you want, and if that week there’s not much to chat about, that’s totally fine too.”  He's been happy to attend counseling sessions and even looks forward to them.   6: Pick a good setting and time. This one is similar to setting the stage. To continue the analogy from before, if a world-class chef cooked a spectacular meal and served it to you, but you’re already stuffed, or you’re in the bathroom, would you want to eat it? Similarly, we could have very useful advice, but if the timing or setting is not suitable, we should wait.   The Chinese philosopher Kun Lu (吕坤) gave seven inappropriate situations to criticize or scold others: Don't criticize them in public Don't criticize them if they already feel remorse Don't criticize before sleep time Don’t criticize before or during meals Don't criticize when they are feeling very joyous Don't criticize if they are feeling depressed Don't criticize when they are ill   I would add one more: Don't criticize or advise when they are clearly busy or rushed for time. We should wait for a time or schedule a time when they are calm, in a good mood, and have the time to listen and discuss. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 ,   6 , 7 , 8   For example, one staff meeting, I had many suggestions to talk about, and that requires a lot of time for discussion. The meeting happened near the end of the day, when everyone was tired and wanted to go home. Rather than insist on going through all of them, I asked everyone which issues they think need to be discussed today, and which ones could wait until next week.   To give another example, I once wanted to advise a classmate on a not-very-elegant habit she had. It was quite an awkward thing to mention, but I saw her do it many times, and if no one tells her, she would be leaving a bad impression on others, so I felt a moral obligation to tell her if a suitable situation arises.   I didn’t keep thinking about it, but after many weeks, I saw her alone in the library, so I went in and asked her if I could tell her something. She said OK. I very politely said, “ I think you dress really well, and you’re quite an elegant person. But I noticed you sometimes like to slowly scratch your nose, and it’s kind of surprising to see that from such an elegant person, you know? I just don’t want others to get a negative impression of you because of it. That’s all. ” She replied that she indeed has this habit, and that she appreciated my good intentions, and she’ll work on it.   7: Be conservative. This is related to having an attitude of humility and carefulness. We should never think that we are absolutely right. We should always leave some room for the possibility that we are wrong.   Icon Source No one likes an arrogant person. When we seem arrogant, then even if our advice is good, the other person will resist or argue simply because they don't like us. Many arguments are just people trying to defeat the other person because they don't like the other person's arrogant demeanor.   Logically speaking, how can we ever have 100% complete information on a situation? And how can we possibly see every single perspective that there is to a situation? That’s why we cannot be so definitive about our perspective and suggestions.   If we say things like, “ You definitely need to do X ,” or even “ You should do X, ” others might think, “ Aren’t you a bit overly confident? How can you be so sure? ”   For example, one time a teacher colleague invited me to observe his English class. I knew that he didn’t have formal training in teaching English to Chinese students like I did, and I gave a lot of advice and industry best practices that I received and learned in my experience. Later, another colleague told me that this teacher felt I was quite arrogant, as if what I said is definitely right, but he felt that not all of the advice was applicable to his situation. This is an example of how overconfidence in attitude makes the other person lose trust in us.   I’ve learned from that incident, and now when I give suggestions to others, especially if I’m not that close with them, I try to use conservative wording. I might say, “I noticed this situation, and I just had an idea for your consideration. Maybe it would be helpful if you did X. But my perspective is limited, and I don’t understand the full situation, so it’s just an idea for your consideration.”   8: Be a problem-solver, not a problem-talker. When we bring up a problem or complaint, ideally, we shouldn’t just stop there. We should propose a solution(s) or make a request. If we only bring up problems and complaints, we’ll be a burden to others, and they will want to avoid us. But if we raise a problem and also propose potential solutions, as well as our analysis of which solution is the best, then it’s like we just delivered a gift to them.   Icon Source For example, when my mother complained in the past that I was too busy, I was quite annoyed because I didn’t like being so busy either, I and I felt like I was already trying my best to manage my time effectively and say no to many things. One time, I decided to take my own advice: instead of being annoyed and complaining about her complaining, I made a request.   I said, “I understand that you don’t want to see me so busy. But when you complain about it, it’s not helpful for me. It only makes me feel even more burdened. Instead of telling me to be less busy, could you instead ask me to schedule time for whatever it is that you want me to do? For example, if you want me to clean the basement, you could ask me to spend a day doing that this weekend. Or if you want me to sleep earlier, you could ask me to sleep by a certain time. That would be much more helpful than just telling me to stop being so busy.”  She happily accepted my request.   To give another example, when I noticed some problems at school, I first thought about potential solutions. I also discussed in private with other teachers and even the principal about my ideas, and then I proposed them in a meeting. In this way, people were more receptive to my suggestions.   9: Observe and adjust. When we are giving our recommendation or having that tough conversation, it’s important to observe other people’s reactions and adjust ourselves accordingly. This requires us to be fully present and to observe the other person’s facial expressions, movements, and body language, all of which give clues to what they’re thinking and feeling. Icon Source   We shouldn’t be focused on how we will respond later when they stop talking (and we certainly should not interrupt them), because if we do that, we won’t be giving them our full attention, and they’ll be able to feel that. We also shouldn’t get lost in our own talking such that we forget to observe the listener.   For example, I remember one time I proposed an idea at a meeting, and afterwards, there was barely a reaction from anyone. I was quite surprised because I was expecting people to agree with me. I also realized that when I was speaking, I was looking at my PowerPoint slides instead of at the listeners, so I didn’t know what their facial expressions and body language were while I was speaking. That was an awkward situation.   There have also been times when I started giving a suggestion, but then the other person would interrupt and start explaining themselves. When that happens, I already know that they are convinced they are right, or they started to become defensive, in which case it’s probably not worth trying to convince them. If they are not in the mood to hear advice right now, then it’s better to keep silent and change the topic.   10: Be patient. There’s a Chinese proverb that goes, “Three inches of ice doesn’t happen overnight.”   In other words, for a situation to become this serious, it took a long time. People have deeply ingrained habits, and these habits are like huge blocks of ice. Melting them away takes time.   If we want people to learn new habits and new ways of thinking, it’s like planting a tree. After we plant the seed, we have to continuously water the seed and patiently wait for the seed to grow into a tree. It doesn’t happen in one conversation.   Icon Source We shouldn’t think, “I already advised them before, and they didn’t listen, so I’m not going to bother anymore.”  We have to be patient and continue to advise them with tact whenever a suitable opportunity arises.   For example, I’ve been counseling a student on emotional regulation for a couple months now, and I’ve given countless reminders in daily school life, and each weekly counseling session is basically giving the same message packaged differently. However, I am not impatient because I know that change takes time, and it’s precisely my job to provide that needed reminder whenever an incident happens. Slowly, the ice of the old habit will melt away, and the new habit will grow. He’s already noticeably better than a couple months ago, and I’m sure that as long as we continue what we’re doing, he will continue to improve.   Conclusion Giving advice and suggestions is extremely important to maintaining relationships, and it’s one of the best gifts we can give if done well. It is also a big source of conflict if done ineffectively, hence the importance of learning and practicing communication principles. In this article, I’ve shared some principles I’ve learned over the years, but it’s by no means an exhaustive list, so it’s just some ideas for your consideration. Hopefully you’ll find some use from them and enjoy better communication and relationships as a result! Weekly Wisdom #368

Recently in a weekly parenting class hosted by my school, we had a discussion with parents about how to communicate with children such that they would actually listen to us adults. There were many useful insights from that discussion, and so I decided to compile them into an article.   Communication a is must-learn ability for us to have a smooth life, but unfortunately, few of us have received education and training on it. As a result, a lot of us feel afraid, avoidant, and stuck when it comes to communication.   I've previously written an article titled Principles for Effective Advising, Criticism, and Recommendations , and that article covers most of the major principles of communication I have learned and practiced, and it's suitable for communicating with all kinds of people, whether they be elders, peers, or juniors. This article, however, will apply those principles specifically towards children. Image Source: GPT   For context, the parent who raised this question is struggling to communicate with her young children because she feels like she always tells her children the same things over and over again, but her children don't seem to listen or change. Moreover, her children will sometimes have emotional tantrums, and she often uses force to subdue them, which harms the relationship.   1: Treat the root, not the symptoms. Problems are like illnesses. Illnesses have their symptoms and their roots. If someone has rashes, that's a symptom. Perhaps the root cause is a certain food or allergen. If we merely apply steroid creams to suppress the rash, but we didn't get rid of the allergen in our life, or we haven't strengthened the body to resist the allergen, then we have not cured the root. Eventually, negative side effects will come out, such as resistance to the steroid cream and even greater rashes coming out.   A communication problem is also a symptom. What's the root? The Great Learning  said, “From the emperor to the common person, everyone ought to make cultivating the self as the root.”   In other words, trying to fix other people is already confusing symptoms with roots, which is counter-productive.   The Great Learning  continues: "If one wishes to cultivate oneself, one must first rectify the mind."   The matter is communication with children. The symptom is they don’t listen. The root is ourselves. If we change how we are, naturally, it will change their response. The root of ourselves is our mind, beliefs, attitude, and thoughts. If we change our thoughts and attitude, then our speech, demeanor, and energy would naturally change, and their response to us would change. The mind is the root of roots. Image Source: GPT   2: Rectify the mind. Think effectively. Effective thinking aligns with the ancient teachings passed down for thousands of years, and it is positive thinking. Ineffective thinking violates these timeless principles.   2.1: Everyone wants to be good. Everyone can be taught to be good. Ineffective thinking: “They are being unreasonable.”   Effective thinking: “Everyone wants to be good. Who would purposely choose to be bad? Every kid wants to be praised by their parents. Who would purposely choose to get scolded by parents? Therefore, we should view their bad behavior as a lack of good education and ability, not a lack of good intentions. We should identify what ability they need to develop, and then role model it for them to learn.”   2.2: Fix myself, not others. Ineffective thinking: “They are the problem.”   Effective thinking: “It's never 100% one person's fault. Everyone has a part in the problem, but I need to focus on the part that’s in my control, which is me. Cultivating myself is the root. When I change myself, I naturally change how they respond to me.”   Image Source: Unsplash Ineffective thinking: “They need to listen to what I say.”   Effective thinking: “If they don’t listen to what I say, it’s probably because I haven’t set a good role model. Or they learned from bad cartoons, which would be my negligence for letting them watch those things. From another perspective, even if I have set a good role model, if they still don’t listen, then I can role model how to respond when others don't listen.”   For example, if we want our children to listen to us more, we should first reflect on ourselves. When my children try to tell me things, do I listen patiently? Or do I cut them off? Do I observe their reactions attentively and adjust myself accordingly? Or am I just thinking about what I want to say? Or when I communicate with my spouse or parents, do I listen patiently? My children are watching and will learn my behavior.   If I cut others off, then my children will think that's normal, and they will cut me off too. If I don't observe their reactions and respond accordingly, then of course my children wouldn't observe my reactions and adjust themselves accordingly. Whatever we want our children to learn, we have to role model it. Mere words aren't enough.   2.3: Karma. Energy is contagious. What goes around comes around. Happiness researcher Gretchen Rubin: “One of the best ways to make others happy is to be happy yourself. One of the best ways to be happy yourself is to make others happy.”   In other words, emotional energy is contagious. What goes around, comes around. Adults have more power and energy than children, so it’s easier for children to get influenced by adults than the other way around. Children naturally imitate adults, so whatever energy and attitude adults use towards them, they will learn and return to the parents and use towards others.   Image Source For example, if we tell them “Clean your room now” with a demanding and controlling type of energy, it will attract opposition from them. If we criticize them, “Why is your room messy again!”, it will attract defensiveness from them. If we communicate with a calm and warm energy, it will attract calm and warmth from them.   Therefore, the first thing is to cultivate awareness of our  emotional energy. Do we have any negative emotions like blame, impatience, or worry? If we do, we need to calm ourselves down, rectify our mind, and harmonize our energy before speaking.   2.4: Patiently let nature take its course. Ineffective thinking: “I want them to change already. When will they change?”   Effective thinking: “Three inches of ice doesn’t freeze overnight. It took a long time to develop their current personality. It will also take a long time of planting good seeds into their mind to change their personality. We just focus on what’s in our control, which is planting the good seeds, and we let nature take its course. The seeds will grow and fruit whenever they are supposed to, and once the fruit are ripe, they will naturally fall off the branches. But if we get impatient and pull on the sprouts, we end up killing those seeds, and that would be counter-productive.”   3: Practical principles of speech from Venerable Jing Kong   3.1: “Speak less words of complaint and more words of tolerance.” We complain because we think they shouldn’t behave like this. But according to the law of karma or causality, every result has a cause. Nothing is by random. They are the way they are now, partly because of their own personality, but also largely because of the role modeling we’ve set or didn’t set for them. If they were in a different household with different parents, would they have the personality that they have now? So blaming and complaining about them is not appropriate. Instead, we should view them as here to help us elevate our cultivation.   If we want their personality to change in the future, we have to start planting good seeds now. Whenever they lose control of emotions, we seize the opportunity to role model calmness and warmth. It’s thanks to them that we can elevate our cultivation, and over time, they will learn this from us.   3.2: “Speak less words of criticism and more words of encouragement.” Again, what goes around comes around. If we criticize, that’s usually negative energy, so it will attract their negative energy. Also, what we focus on will grow. If we criticize, we are focusing on their faults. They will then think a lot about that fault, “I have this fault. My parents criticized me about it a lot.” It’s very negative, making it even harder for them to change.   But if we encourage them and say, “You’re getting better at it! Your effort is paying off! Your patience is very commendable!”, that’s positive energy, and they will gain more confidence, allowing their goodness to grow.   Instead of directly criticizing their mistakes right when they make them, we can wait for an appropriate time and caringly ask them to reflect on how they could do better. And then encourage them and say, “Wow, it’s great that you can reflect on your mistakes! I’m really proud of you!"   3.3: “Speak less words of command and more words of discussion.” Commanding is very one-sided, making the other side feel unheard and uncared for. Oftentimes as adults, we may feel like children are just making excuses for not doing what they’re supposed to do. But we have to remember that the root of the problem is not the matter. The root is our heart and intentions.   For example, if we tell a kid to go do their chores, and they don’t want to, and they don’t have a good reason for it, usually, we shouldn’t start threatening them. Instead, we role model being understanding and discussing.    We could ask, “Do you feel uncomfortable right now? Do you need help? What would make you willing to do it?” If the reason is not reasonable, like it’s time to stop playing but they just want to keep playing, we can very calmly and warmly say, “I know playing is very fun. I know you really like this game. I know it’s hard to keep track of time. I understand. But remember we agreed before that play time ends at 1, right? If I told you, ‘tonight we’re going to eat your favorite food’, but then later I didn’t cook it, would you be happy with me? Same thing here. It’s because you agreed to end play time at 1 that we have play time. If you don’t keep your word, how would I feel? If you can practice keeping your word, and make that more important than having fun, then I would be very proud of you.”   This is all in accordance with the teachings of The Record on Education : “Guiding not pulling, encouraging not pressuring, prompting thinking not directly answering.”   The root is our intention. Are we trying to get them to do what we say because we want things to be easy for us? Or are we truly focused on their character development? We want to help kids cultivate a heart of empathy, of thinking about how others feel. To do that, we need to role model it for them over and over again. If we force them to do things when they are unwilling to, that’s role modeling coldness, not empathy, and they will oppose us because they will also focus on their own feelings instead of others’.   4: Other factors to consider   4.1: Contingency plan for a heated argument There’s a Chinese saying that goes, “Only when we feel peaceful should we speak.” If things get heated, and they get into a tantrum, or if we or they are very emotional, then it is not a good time to talk. We can simply say, “Let’s take a break”. Or “I need to use the restroom”, and then go take a rest. Once we feel calm again, we can talk to them again.    If it’s them that’s having the tantrum, then find a caring way to help them calm down. We shouldn’t punish them and force them to go to their room. We can ask them, “I think we’re both feeling a bit upset right now, how about we take a break?” If they say no, then we can say, “OK, well I need to use the restroom and I need a break, so I will go. I’ll come back when I’m feeling better.” We can even go to a nearby convenience store and buy some sweets. Maybe buy some smarties and come back and say, “Let’s eat some smarties, and then we can communicate in a smarter way after.” The method of buying smarties is not the point here, the point is that we need to role model the virtues of warmth, softness, and tact. Others can oppose me, but I won’t oppose others. Others can try to obstruct me, but I will flow around them. Others can be upset at me, but I will still be caring towards others.   Once their emotions are calm, we can then seize the teaching opportunity and review what happened with them. “What made you upset? How did your response make others feel? Would you like to be treated that way? How would you like to be treated instead? What should you do next time a similar situation occurs?”   4.2 Change needs to be gradual and step by step. Sometimes, kids want to do things that we adults might not approve of. For example, kids might be starting to get addicted to certain TV shows or games, and they throw a tantrum if we obstruct them. In this case, we have to understand that it took a long time to develop this addiction, and so trying to cut it off right away will attract backlash.   If we want to help them change a bad habit without backlash, we have to help them do it gradually, step by step. For example, if they play games for 2 hours a day right now, we slowly reduce it to 1.5 hours, then 1 hour, then 30 minutes.   Moreover, we should try to divert their energy to another activity to help with the transition. For example, instead of playing games, they could spend it on any skill that they're interested in learning. Maybe it's music lessons, or arts and crafts, or sports. Again, start off small, just 30 minutes, whatever they can tolerate. If we demand too big of a change right away, they will backlash.   4.3 Divert instead of obstruct If kids are already addicted to something, we can try to use its positive aspects. There was a parent who complained that her husband and children all love Star Wars too much, so then the son wouldn't cut his hair because he wanted long hair like the jedi in the movie. Other family elders would criticize the mother for letting her son look like a girl, and the mother felt helpless.   I said, "If I were you, I would tell your son, 'If you want to have the same hairstyle as a jedi, then you better have the virtues of a jedi, like calm, discipline, determination, and honor. Otherwise you'll be ruining the jedi's reputation, and you don't deserve to use their hairstyle!' And then you could list out some bad habits that you want him to change, agree on a time frame, and see if he works hard to improve. If he does, he gets to keep the hairstyle. Otherwise, he has to cut it. Of course, your husband needs to agree with this plan, or else it won't work."   4.4 Pick a suitable time and setting The Chinese philosopher Kun Lu (吕坤) gave seven inappropriate situations to criticize or scold others: Don't criticize them in public (it will make them look bad, which might anger them even more) Don't criticize them if they already feel remorse (that's rather heartless) Don't criticize before sleep time (it might make children have nightmares) Don’t criticize before or during meals (it will ruin their appetite and hurt their digestion) Don't criticize when they are feeling very joyous (it can shock them) Don't criticize if they are feeling depressed (it will just make them feel even worse) Don't criticize when they are ill (it will make them feel even worse and delay their recovery) I would add one more: when they are busy or in a rush.   Icon Source: Flaticon We should try to set up a time where everyone is calm, in a good mood, and has time to talk. For example, if a child has a tantrum, I probably wouldn't try to reason with them on the spot. They're too emotional at that time. I'd wait until later, after they've calmed down, to guide them to reflect on why they had a tantrum and how they might resolve it better next time. I'd also try to pick a comfortable setting where they feel safe and relaxed to talk.   4.5: Collaboration Education is not a one-person job. Education requires a community of people. The mother and father need to collaborate. The parents and teachers need to collaborate. It's rather unnatural to tell kids, "You need to respect me." That's why adults tell the kids to respect other adults. All the adults need to have the same views and standards, or else the kid can use different adults' words against each other. Image Source: GPT   At home, if the father said something that caused the child to start over-reacting, and the father can't calm the child down, the father could leave, and the mother could come in. If the father was very strict, the mother can be more warm and soft and try to help the child understand the father's intentions.   For example, the mother might say, "Your dad is trying to teach you to be disciplined, to be trustworthy, etc." Or "Your dad is very tired today, so maybe that's why he was a bit impatient. You know how it feels to be very tired right? Can you keep patience when you're very tired? Exactly. So we don't need to take it to heart. We should do something nice for dad so that he'll feel better."   If the kids misbehave at school, the parents would tell the kids to respect the teachers. The teachers would tell the kids to respect their parents.   Collaboration requires that the adults have the same views and standards. For example, if the mom thinks the child should do more chores around the house and not play on the phone, but the dad doesn't care and lets the child play on the phone, what will happen? The child will say to the mom, "But dad lets me play on the phone!" Then the mom will get angry at the dad, and the child will learn to be angry at others based on the mother's reaction. It's lose-lose.   Therefore, all the elders in the house need to communicate and get on the same page with regards to their expectations for their children. Only in this way can the adults work together and achieve the goal. If the adults have different destinations, then the child will be confused, or the child will just choose whichever standard he likes better.   Conclusion If we just focus on changing others, that’s confusing the symptoms with the roots. The root is changing ourselves, and the root of roots is changing our mind, attitude, intentions, thoughts, and way of thinking. When we change the mind, our energy, speech, and behavior will naturally change, and their response will change accordingly.   We should also be patient and remember that it took a long time for them to become the way they are now, and so it will take time to change the situation around. We just focus on planting the seeds and not be impatient for the seeds to fruit.   At the level of speech, we can remember to speak less words of complaint, criticism, and commands, and instead speak more words of tolerance, encouragement, and discussion.    Other factors to consider include having a contingency plan for when things get heated, picking a suitable time and setting, and collaboration among adults.   It's a lot of information and factors to consider, but the more we practice, the more proficient we'll get, and the growth we and our children experience will certainly be worth the effort. Weekly Wisdom #381

Do you ever feel like you're lazy? That you should be doing more productive things, but you instead procrastinate or idle time away on unimportant things? If so, you're not alone. According to a Forbes article , 99% of Americans admit to procrastinating tasks!   Image Source: GPT In other words, it's extremely normal. But just because it's normal doesn't mean we should be complacent with this bad habit. The same article mentioned that 78% of those procrastinating feel anxious while doing it, and let's be honest, procrastinating just makes things worse later down the road.   I was talking about the problem of laziness with some students recently. In our self-cultivation class, I require students to keep a daily journal. In the journal, they have to write at least one thing they intentionally improved on and one thing they could've done better each day. At the end of each month, we reflect on the patterns from this month and do a monthly review.   Interestingly, many students said the problem of laziness came up a lot this past month. Problems are like illnesses. Illnesses have symptoms, but the same symptom can have different causes. For example, if someone has a headache, that's a symptom. But the cause of that headache could vary. Perhaps they caught a cold, or they have too much stress, or they drank too much alcohol. We can't assume everyone's symptoms are caused by the same reasons.   Only when we know the root cause can we truly eliminate the problem. Thus, I  questioned each person deeper to try to find the root cause of their "laziness", and interestingly, each person had a different cause.   Generally speaking, people don't take pride in being lazy, which means people don't want to be lazy. The reason they feel "lazy" might be because they are physically drained, or they feel like the matter isn't important enough, or they lack the ability to do it. Once we know the cause of our laziness symptoms (matters), we can then treat it from the root.   Case 1 The first student said he needs to correct his laziness because he wakes up late and ends up rushing to school in the morning, and he was late many times this month. I asked him, "Why do you wake up late? Is it because you just feel lazy and want to sleep in? Or are you really tired and lack sleep?" He said, "I don't think I lack sleep. I can make myself get up earlier. But when I cook in the morning, I'm too slow. I'm trying to cook many things at the same time and rushing.   Also, I don't know why, but getting to school always seems to take longer than I thought it would take." I know his personality is the type that likes to go with the flow and doesn't plan very much, so I told him, "Maybe your 'laziness' isn't actually laziness. It's not that you don’t want to wake up or be on time, but that you aren't careful enough in your planning of time. For example, maybe you think it would only take 20 minutes to get to school, but then you end up needing 25 or 30 minutes. Or perhaps you know school starts at 9:00, and you plan to arrive at 8:55.   When doing anything, no matter if it's cooking, getting to school, doing homework, etc, get into the habit of leaving ample buffer room. Don't make things so tight and rushed. Try to finish things earlier than your planned time, and that means actually planning ahead and leaving ample buffer/cushion room. That's getting at the root of the problem.   Another possible factor could be your sense of responsibility. You were late many times, which might be a sign that your sense of responsibility isn't strong enough. Although you might say that being on time is important, you don't truly feel it strongly enough. If you really felt bad about being late, would you really be late two days in a row? Would you really be late multiple times in a week?   So, to treat this problem, I will tell you right now that trustworthiness is one of the most important things in life. If you want to have a smooth life, you need other people to help you. If you want others to help you, then you need them to trust you. If you want others to trust you, then that requires you to keep your word and to follow the rules.   If you are late for the first time, then it's understandable and pardonable, but the school asked you to be on time in the future, and yet you're late again the next day. That hurts your credibility. Also, according to rules of etiquette, we shouldn't arrive one or two minutes early, we should arrive ten minutes early. This is very important. Once you feel this is very important, your attitude will change, and your problem will be solved. You'll figure out ways to be early without others needing to push you or give you suggestions.   For me, I had to pick up some people in the mornings this past week, and the first day, I only planned for a 10 minute buffer. It turns out that the morning traffic and snowy roads really slowed me down, and I was late by 10 minutes. I learned from my mistake, and the second day, I left 20 minutes earlier, and we arrived 15 minutes early. Afterwards, I always planned for a 20 minute buffer, and I was always early. One time, the traffic was bad, but I still arrived 10 minutes early. Other times, the traffic was good, and I arrived 20 minutes early."   Case 2 The second student said that when her Chinese teacher gave her homework, there were a few times where she was upset and complained disrespectfully that it's too much. But later, she reflected that it's not actually too much, that she's done a lot more homework in the past, and that she's just being lazy when she complained about the homework being too much.   I asked her, "If it's not truly too much, then why did you feel like it was too much at the time? Is it because you were really tired and lacked sleep? Is it because the homework felt hard? Or some other reason?"   She said, "Maybe because I was just really tired and felt uncomfortable."   I said, "Well, I know your family has been very busy and you guys often sleep late. Ideally, you should sleep earlier, but if it's out of your control, then there's not much we can do. But do you see how the root of your 'laziness' is not actually getting yourself to be less lazy. Rather, it's preserving a good mental state and energy level. If you can do that, you wouldn't feel 'lazy'. Not only would you not complain about the homework, but you might also complain less about other things being your level of patience would be higher when you physically feel good.   From another perspective, you can be more polite and respectful towards your teacher. If I were in your situation, even if I were really tired, I wouldn't directly oppose the teacher, as if we were equals. I would view the teacher as above me, someone I should really respect. In that case, I wouldn't complain about them or about the homework they gave me. Instead, I would report my concerns and ask for their advice.   So I might ask, 'What if I go home, start doing the homework, and realize it's too much? What should I do?' That's much more respectful that complaining. The teacher probably wouldn't blame me if I reported this concern and then couldn't finish everything. He would probably adjust the amount next time. So increasing our attitude of respect can also solve this problem."   Case 3 The third student said that she needs to be less lazy. I asked her classmates, "Do you guys think she's lazy?" Her classmates all shook their heads.   I asked her, "We don't think you're lazy. Why do you say you're lazy?"   She said, "Well, OK, I guess it's just Chinese history homework. I don't want to do it, so I keep pushing it off. That's laziness, right?"   I said, "It depends. Why don't you want to do your history homework?"   She said, "Because the homework is to re-tell a story mentioned in class, and I can't understand everything the history teacher says because it's in Chinese, and he talks too fast, so I can't even write down notes."   I said, "OK, in that case, your true problem is not 'laziness'. It's an ability problem. If you had the ability to do your Chinese history homework, but you just don't do it because you'd rather go play or idle away time, then maybe that's laziness. Or rather, it's a lack of motivation. But in your case, you would totally do your homework in a timely manner if you had the ability.   So to solve your problem, you need to ask your history teacher to talk slower and to repeat stories so that you can write down notes."   She said, "I did ask him to talk slower. But he still talks at that speed. It's just his normal speed."   I said, "OK, well in that case, as long as you've done everything in your power, then you have a clear conscience. Improving your Chinese takes time, so be patient with yourself. Also, you can work on improving your note-taking skills. Learn from your deskmate. Maybe in the future, I'll do a lesson on note taking." Case 4 Another student said, "I know I have to do my homework, but I just don't want to. It's too boring. I'd rather go play or read books or watch videos."   I replied, "Well, that's a motivation problem then. You'll need to think about ways to increase your motivation. Maybe you think about why doing your homework first is important. It'll make your parents happy. Do it out of love and respect for them. Or think about the negative consequences of not doing the homework. Your parents and teachers would be upset. People would think you're not trustworthy.   You can also make the homework task smaller. You don't have to finish all the homework right now. All you have to do is 5 minutes of homework. But once you start, you'll probably do a bit more than 5 minutes.   Or you make a game out of it. You can write different homework on different slips of paper, put them in a cup, and randomly pick one out to do. Or think about the type of person you want to be. Do you want to be a person who is a slave to pleasure? Who can't control yourself to do the important things? If not, then do the homework first, and then play time can be a reward afterwards. Those are just some ideas. But ultimately, it's up to you to try different methods and find a way to overcome your lack of motivation."   Conclusion Feeling lazy and procrastinating is a very common problem nowadays. It causes us anxiety, makes us feel worse later, and exacerbates our problems. But simply telling ourselves, "I need to be less lazy in the future" rarely helps us solve the problem. To truly solve the problem, we need to find the root cause of our laziness.   Perhaps we're too tired, in which case we need to find a way to take better care of our health and energy levels.   Perhaps we view the matter as not important enough, which results in insufficient motivation. In that case, we need to find ways to view the matter as more important, or just consciously decide that the matter isn't worth that much effort.   Perhaps we lack the ability or confidence to do it, in which case we need to improve our abilities and confidence.   Or there might be other reasons with other solutions. Everyone's situation is unique, but it's up to us to self-reflect and figure out our root cause. Only then can we truly solve the problem. Weekly Wisdom #379

Have you ever had two people argue intensely, and then they come to you for help? Perhaps it's our parents, or siblings, or friends, or colleagues. If not, then you're quite fortunate to grow up in a harmonious family and be part of harmonious groups. But even if it hasn't happened yet, it's probably something we will all encounter in life sooner or later. Image Source: GPT   One of my mentors often says, "Life has many compulsory courses. Communication is one. Mediation is another."   I've written many articles on communication  already, and this one will be on mediation, featuring advice I've received from my mentors: Try to get them to communicate face-to-face calmly and respectfully. Help them understand each other's good intentions and perspectives. Be impartial. If one side is unwilling to talk, then focus on understanding that person and talking around the issue instead of directly at it.   1: Try to get them to communicate face-to-face calmly and respectfully If we want the two of them to solve the problem, it will probably require them to have a calm talk face-to-face. Being a third party acting as a go-between relaying messages is really not ideal, and it can lead to inaccurate transmission or misunderstandings, which might make things worse.   The key, of course, is that they communicate calmly and respectfully. All the other principles mentioned in this article also help the two parties to keep calm.   A lot of times, conflict heats up because of the way the message is delivered (with blame and disrespect) as opposed to the actual content of the message. To help them communicate better, we should try to pick a suitable time when they're both in a good mood. We should also pick a good setting that is calming and comfortable.   We also need to be prepared to respond if they start getting heated. We want to find ways to help them calm down and return to a good mood. For example, if our parents are arguing, we could say, "Oh dad probably had a very long day today. He's not trying to make you upset. He's just a bit tired so his tone of voice isn't as nice. Mom isn't trying to make you upset either. Mom has some pains and aches recently, so that's draining her patience."   If the heat gets too high and they need a break, we should suggest them to take a break.   If they can't seem to stop, then we need to use tact to get one of them out of the situation. For example, we could say, "Mom, I need to go buy something from the store urgently. Can you accompany me please? I know you guys are talking now, but can you take a break and discuss after you come back?"Once we get to the store, we could say, "How about we buy all of our favorite snacks?" When we arrive home, we give the snacks to dad and say, "Mom bought these for you!"   Or we message a family member to make a call to one of them. Since they have to pick up the call, that interrupts their arguing. Or we go out and buy a cake and come back, saying we need some more sweetness in the house today.   Every situation is unique, so the examples above are just some ideas for reference. The important thing is to understand the spirit and principles behind those examples, which we can then use in our specific situation.   2: Help them understand each other's good intentions and perspectives. A lot of times, conflict and opposition occur because each side feels like the other side has negative intentions. But oftentimes, they both have the same goals and want the best for the team; it's just that their views differ.   The thing is, everyone has their reasons for things. Just as we have "strong" reasons for our beliefs, so too do other people. If we still feel like they are "wrong" or "illogical", then chances are, we don't understand them yet. If we don't understand them, it's hard for us to persuade them. A mediator needs to understand both sides and then help to communicate their intentions and perspectives.   3: Be impartial. This is very obvious, but it's not always easy in practice. If we show any partiality, the unfavored party will get upset at us and won't accept us as their mediator. We need to set our attitude straight beforehand and make sure we don't have any particular side that we want to win. Our intention should be to help them understand each other and reach an agreement together, not for either side to "win".   4: If one side is unwilling to talk, then focus on understanding that person and talking around the issue instead of directly at it. If one side is unwilling to communicate, then the problem becomes very hard to solve. In these cases, we should try to just understand them more. In fact, the harder it is to communicate with them, the more we just need to spend effort to understand them.   We don't need to directly bring up the problem. Instead, we can find suitable times to just talk to them, ask about their past, and learn more about them with no ulterior motives. When we learn more about their past experiences, their ways of thinking, their pains, we will gradually understand them more and find a way that appeals to them.   My Experience One time, when my grandma got sick, my dad wanted to buy a certain, very expensive herbal medicine for her, but my mom felt that this medicine was a scam. They got into quite a heated argument about it. I asked them to take a break in different rooms and calm down.   Later,  I talked about how they both have the same intention and goal, which is to help grandma, so we shouldn't feel like we need to "win the argument". Instead, we should focus on understanding each other's perspectives and finding the best solution.   I helped to communicate both views. I told my mom that dad is trying to help grandma recover, which is a good intention. He listened to many classes on Chinese medicine and learned that this herbal medicine can help grandma, which is why he is pushing for it. He believes this is the responsible thing to do.   Towards my dad, I said it's not that mom doesn't care about grandma, and it's not that mom is being stingy, it's that she's worried this medicine isn't suitable for grandma and will actually make things worse. She believes this is the responsible thing to do. You two have the same intention and goals!   How can we solve this situation? Well, since it's grandma who has to eat the medicine, we should probably ask grandma if she is willing. Moreover, she should see a good Chinese medicine doctor to see if the doctor recommends this herbal medicine or not for her specific situation. So we went to ask grandma.   Grandma said she doesn't want to eat this medicine, that she doesn't want to see a Chinese medicine doctor, that she's already has lots of medicine, and spending so much money on new medicine is a waste. All three of us wanted her to at least see a Chinese medicine, but she wasn't willing. We thought it's quite strange. It's not like it takes a lot of time or money to see a Chinese medicine doctor, so why was she so against it? She used to be a western doctor, so I thought maybe she doesn't believe in Chinese medicine. But I also saw her use Chinese medicine treatments before, so that doesn't seem to fit.   Here, we had to be patient. We didn’t bring up the topic directly. Sometimes, after meals or on walks, we'd just ask her questions to try to understand her better. I would ask about her work and past stories of patients she helped. I slowly learned that she views illness as an inevitable part of life, and that medicine cannot cure all illness, and that's fine. Image Source: GPT Moreover, she believes that having happy emotions is the most important thing to good health, so she doesn't want to be overly stressed about her problem and spend so much money on it. She feels that she's already lived a long and good life, and she'd rather leave more money for her children rather than spending so much money on medicine and being a burden to her children. When I understood her better, I naturally let go of my view that she "should" see a Chinese medicine doctor.   At this point, my dad still wanted to buy it because he wanted to try everything possible to help grandma recover. On the other hand, my mom felt we ought to respect grandma's choice. If she doesn't want to eat it, and we still buy it, that's disrespecting her, and she might get very angry that we didn't follow her wishes. Moreover, if it were a cheaper medicine, it might be fine, but since this medicine is so expensive, it's not suitable to buy it without grandma's approval.   I mediated by saying that ultimately, you both have the same intentions and goals, and you both have your own logical reasons for your views. We can agree to disagree. Mom thinks it would be better to respect grandma's wishes here. After all, grandma has already gotten medical advice before and is already taking medicine, so she can just continue with that. That's reasonable. Dad thinks there's a chance that this medicine could really help, and that if he buys it, grandma might try it, and it might help her a lot, which is worth the shot. To mitigate the risk of grandma being unhappy, dad could explain that he understands grandma not wanting to be a burden, that she'd rather save on the medicine money, but he really wants to do his utmost, and we can always make more money. There isn't a definitive right or wrong here. In this case, mom could choose to not buy this medicine, and dad just spends his own money to buy it. They were both satisfied with this decision.   Conclusion When it comes to mediation, we should remember four important principles: Try to get them to communicate face-to-face calmly and respectfully. Help them understand each other's good intentions and perspectives. Be impartial. If one side is unwilling to talk, then focus on understanding that person and talking around the issue instead of directly at it.   Mediation is a compulsory course in life. If we are bad at it, we'll be unable to help with inevitable conflicts that arise in our family, friendships, or workplace. Worse, we might even make them worse. But if we have good mediation skills, we can improve our relationships and create a happier atmosphere for all. Weekly Wisdom #378

Welcome to this article series on Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). The aim of this series is to provide you with foundational and practical knowledge of TCM that you can use to improve your own health at home in daily life. The recommendations in this series are simple, accessible, and mostly free. After all, good health should be something that is accessible to everyone! Here is a clickable table of contents for this series: Introduction and Foundation The Five Elements Profiles Food and Cooking The Five Major Organs The Nine Body Constitutions The Body Clock Common Treatments from a Practitioner My Experience with TCM Health Advice From Doctors At A Chinese Medicine Hospital Sleep Tips from Traditional Chinese Medicine Emotions and Health This article is Part 6: The Body Clock. Previously, article 3 explained how different organs in the body have different functions. In TCM, different times of the day correspond to when different organs have the most Qi . TCM divides up the 24-hour day into 12 two-hour periods, where each period has our Qi focused on a particular organ. If we can do activities at times that match that organ’s function, then it will be much better for our health. Image Source Fun fact: Ayurveda (Traditional Indian Medicine) has a very similar body clock to TCM! Now let’s talk about each time slot in more detail. 5:00 AM – 7:00 AM This is the time of the Large Intestines. It’s a good time to wake up, poop, and meditate. It’s also a good idea to drink some warm water shortly upon waking to rehydrate the body and help with the elimination of toxins. You could also add some lemon juice, ginger, and/or honey to your water to make it more healing. Starting the day with some meditation helps nurture peace and calmness that can carry on throughout the rest of the day, and as we learned before, healthy emotions are key to organ health. Other options to meditation include yoga, tai chi, and breathing exercises; the key is that it nurtures peace and tranquility. 7:00 AM – 11:00 AM This is the time of the Stomach and then Spleen, meaning our digestion is the strongest during this four-hour time period. That’s why TCM recommends having breakfast be our largest meal. Skipping breakfast is not a good idea in TCM because we’re losing the opportunity to absorb nutrients when our digestion is strongest. Furthermore, the body needs energy to run, and skipping breakfast is like spending money that you don’t have; it’s going to have negative consequences in the future. Many people care about maintaining a healthy weight nowadays. From a TCM perspective, eating a large breakfast and smaller dinner is important. Since you still have the rest of the day to go through, eating a lot in breakfast won’t result in excess weight gain. But if we eat a lot at night, when the digestive organs are weaker and the body isn’t very active, then that could lead to weight gain. Moreover, eating too much at night hurts our ability to sleep, which then causes other health problems. After eating, it’s a good idea to go for a short walk to help the Stomach digest the food. It’s not a good idea to sit in a hunched position, which compresses the Stomach area. If you have poor digestion, or if you just want to help your digestive organs, you can do a simple exercise before or after eating. Basically, you spend a minute to massage along the tendon that’s on the outer side of the shin, which is a part of your Stomach meridian. TCM doctor Jason Chong demonstrates in this video : In addition to the outer side of the shin, you can also do the inner side, which is a part of your Spleen meridian. This four-hour period from 7:00AM to 11:00AM is also a time of great mental concentration and thinking, so it’s a good idea to do hard mental work. 11:00 AM – 1:00 PM This is the time of the Heart. Since the Heart is the emotion center, it’s a good idea to carve out a short amount of time for nurturing peaceful emotions. For example, you could take 15 minutes to do some meditation, breathing exercises, or yoga. It’s also a suitable time to have lunch. 1:00 PM – 3:00 PM This is the time of the Small Intestines, which means the body is focused on absorbing nutrients from food. It’s normal to experience a drop in energy levels during this time because the body’s Qi moves inwards to support the organs and restore the body. Hence, it’s a suitable time for a short nap and for non-intensive activities. 3:00 PM – 5:00 PM This is the time of the Bladder. By 3:00 PM, your energy levels should be back, so it’s a good time to complete any mentally challenging tasks for the day. It’s also a good idea to drink some fluids to support your Kidneys and Bladder in eliminating toxins. 5:00 PM – 7:00 PM This is the time of the Kidneys. It’s a good idea to eat a light dinner. After dinner, you can do some activities that Increase Blood circulation, such as walking, massage, or stretching/yoga. 7:00 PM – 11: 00 PM This is the time of the Pericardium (a sac around the Heart) and then the Triple Burner. During this four-hour time period, we should avoid mentally stimulating activities such as watching shows, playing games, intense exercise, or arguments. Instead, we should do relaxing activities that calm the mind, such as light reading taking a warm shower/bath meditation yoga self-massage: there are some acupoints that help with sleep journaling: you can journal about your day and feelings; try to identify three things you’re grateful for It usually takes people around 15 minutes to fall asleep, so it’s important to be in bed and relaxed for sleep by 10:45 at the latest. If you have trouble falling asleep early, check out this article for sleep tips. 11:00 PM – 3:00 AM This is the time of the Gallbladder and then Liver. It’s very important to be asleep at 11:00 PM and then all the way to 3:00 AM. During the Gallbladder time, the body is doing cellular repair and building Blood. During the Liver time, the Liver cleans the Blood and releases fresh Blood. Similar to 1:00 PM – 3:00 PM, from 1:00 AM to 3:00 AM, Qi moves inwards to support the body in rest and repair. Not sleeping during this four-hour time period will put a heavy burden on your body. Your energy and thinking would be weak during this time as well. If you have a lot of things to do, it’s healthier to sleep during this time and wake up earlier to work. 3:00 AM – 5:00 AM This is the time of the Lungs. Generally speaking, we should be sleeping during this time. It’s also important to keep our body warm during sleep because the Lungs dislike cold. If you do wake up early naturally, and you feel energetic, then it’s fine to get up. It would be a good time to do breathing exercises, yoga, or meditation. Conclusion The TCM Body Clock gives us insight into which activities are naturally well-suited for which time period in the day based on the five element framework. From the body clock, we see many simple things we can do to optimize our day: Waste elimination : We could poop easier if we do it by 7:00 AM. Work : We are better suited for mentally challenging work from 7:00 AM – 11:00AM and 3:00 PM – 5:00 PM. Nap : We naturally feel an energy dip from 1:00 PM – 3:00 PM, so if you want to take a short 20-minute nap for example, it’s a suitable time. Relaxation : We are suited for mentally relaxing activities like meditation in the time slots of 5:00 AM – 7:00 AM, 11:00 AM – 1:00PM, and 7:00 PM – 11:00 PM. Sleep : It is crucial for our health to be asleep from 11:00 PM to 3:00 AM. We can take advantage of this body clock to improve our daily activities, such as mentally challenging work, relaxation, eating, waste elimination, and sleep. The next article will talk about common treatments that a TCM doctor provides.

What makes a true friend? Image Source: Unsplash   Everyone has their own thoughts, but I think the story of Guan Zhong and Bao Shuya give some insights to this question.   Guan Zhong 管仲 (c. 720–645 BC) was a renowned philosopher and politician in Chinese history. He served as a chancellor for the State of Qi during the Spring and Autumn period of Chinese history, and through his support, Qi became the most powerful and prosperous state in China at the time. That is no small feat! His teachings have been recorded in a book named after him called the Guanzi , which is still being studied today (over two thousand years later), and he is considered one of the hundred great philosophers in his era.   But Guan Zhong's life wasn't smooth sailing from the start, and his success wouldn't have been possible without one very key person, Bao Shuya 鮑叔牙. They met at a young age and became good friends very quickly.   Guan Zhong wasn't exactly everyone's idea of a good friend to have. When they were young, they went into business together. Guan Zhong invested less money yet took a larger share of the profits.   (If you were Bao Shuya, how would you feel?)   Many people felt this was unfair to Bao Shuya, but Bao Shuya said, "Guan Zhong isn't greedy. His family is poor, while mine is not. He needs the money to support his family, so it's only fitting that he takes more."   One time, Guan Zhong came up with a business idea that resulted in failure and loss.   (If you were Bao Shuya, what would you say to Guan Zhong?) Bao Shuya didn't blame or criticize him. Instead, he said, "You are not stupid or incompetent. Everyone has times of good luck and times of bad luck."   There were three times that Guan Zhong got a job as a government official, and all three times he was dismissed by his leader.   (If you were Bao Shuya, what would you tell Guan Zhong?)   Bao Shuya told him, "It's not because you are unworthy or incompetent. It's just that your time hasn't arrived yet."   Sometimes, there were war battles, and there were three times where Guan Zhong fought in war and fled from the battlefield.   (If you were an onlooker, what would you think?)   Bao Shuya said, "Guan Zhong isn't cowardly. He fled because he has an old mother at home who needs him, so he cannot bear to risk dying on the battlefield."   Later, both of them entered government service. Bao Shuya served Prince Xiao Bai 公子小白, while Guan Zhong served Prince Jiu 公子糾. After their father, Duke Xi of Qi, died, the two princes fought for the throne. During this process, Guan Zhong once attempted to assassinate Prince Xiao Bai, who narrowly escaped death. In the end, Prince Jiu lost and Prince Xiao Bai succeeded in seizing the throne, gaining the title of Duke Huan of Qi.   Duke Huan was very grateful to his advisor, Bao Shuya, and wanted to appoint him as chancellor (basically the Duke's right-hand man). He also held a bitter grudge against Guan Zhong and wanted to get revenge. However, Guan Zhong fled to the State of Lu and was being held captive there.   Duke Huan said to Bao Shuya, "Without your key support, I wouldn't have been able to become Duke of Qi. I want you to be my chancellor."   (If you were Bao Shuya, what would you do?)   Baoa Shuya said, "As your mediocre minister, I am very grateful for your highness's trust and for all the kindness you have given me. But as for governing the state, that is beyond my abilities. Only Guan Zhong can do it."   The Duke said, "What! Guan Zhong? What are you talking about?"   Bao Shuya replied, "Guan Zhong is better than me in five aspects. First is being generous and kind to the people. Second is governing the state without losing control. Third is devotion and good faith towards the people. Fourth is establishing rules of ritual and morality that everyone in the world would be willing to follow. Fifth is standing at the army gates, beating the drums, and inspiring the people with courage." The Duke said, "But he shot me and nearly killed me!"   (If you were Bao Shuya, what would you say?)   Bao Shuya replied, "He did it out of devotion for his prince. If you pardon him and employ him, he would do the same for you."   Duke Huan contemplated for a bit, then said, "Alright. He's in the State of Lu right now. How do we do this?"   Bao Shuya said, "We can send an envoy to request Guan Zhong be sent back to Qi."   Duke Huan said, "But there's a problem. Shi Bo is the strategist of Lu, and if he knows I intend to employ Guan Zhong, he won't hand him over."   Bao Shuya said, "The envoy can explain that your highness views Guan Zhong as a traitor and wants to have him executed in front of you and all the ministers, which is why we want Guan Zhong back in Qi."   Duke Huan decided to follow Bao Shuya's advice. When the envoy went to Lu, Duke Zhuang of Lu consulted Shi Bo about the matter. Shi Bo said, "I don't think Duke Huan truly wants to execute Guan Zhong. I think he wants to employ him. After all, Guan Zhong's talents are unmatched in the world. Whichever state he serves will surely achieve dominance in the world. If he goes to Qi, he will long be a concern for Lu.   "So what should we do?" asked Duke Zhuang.   "Kill him and hand over his corpse." replied Shi Bo.   Duke Zhuang then ordered Guan Zhong to be executed on the spot.   The envoy from Qi jumped in and said, "Duke Huan made it clear that he wishes to carry out the execution personally. If Guan Zhong is not brought back alive to be executed in front of all our ministers, then that would not be fulfilling our request."   Duke Zhuang considered for a moment, and ultimately decided to hand Guan Zhong over alive.   After Guan Zhong returned to Qi, he was very grateful for Bao Shuya's recommendation and for Duke Huan's magnanimity, and he helped Duke Huan govern Qi, which went on to become the strongest state at its time.   In The Records of the Grand Historian , it is recorded that Guan Zhong said: "When I was poor early in life, I went into business with Bao Shuya. I took more of the profits than him, but he did not think of me as greedy; he understood that I was poor and in need. I once proposed a business idea that resulted in failure and loss, but Bao Shuya did not think of me as stupid; he knew that there are times of good luck and times of bad luck. I served as a government official three times and was dismissed each time, but Bao Shuya did not think of me as incompetent, he knew my time had not come yet. I fought in three battles and fled each time, but Bao Shuya did not think of me as cowardly; he understood that I had an elderly mother to care for. When [my] Prince Jiu was defeated, [another minister] Shao Hu committed suicide [for Prince Jiu], and I was humiliated and held captive. Bao Shuya did not think of me as shameless, he knew that I felt shame not over small matters, but over the fact that my abilities have not been shown to the world yet. Though my parents gave life to me, it is Bao Shuya who truly understands me."   The Grand Historian, Sima Qian, commented, "The world does not praise Guan Zhong for his talents as much as it praises Bao Shuya for his ability to understand others."   (Reference material: excerpts  from The Records of the Grand Historian  史記 and The Book of States 國語)   Commentary There is a Chinese idiom that goes "The friendship of Guan and Bao". It means if two people are really good friends, like kindred spirits, then they have the friendship of Guan Zhong and Bao Shuya. Image Source After learning their story, we also understand that the main supporter of their relationship is actually Bao Shuya. Guan Zhong had outstanding talents and intelligence, but Bao Shuya had even more impressive virtues, and he is the person we should emulate.   Bao Shuya was very understanding and always assumed good intentions from Guan Zhong when most normal people would assume bad intentions. There were many examples in the story, but we'll just look at one: When Guan Zhong took more of the profits for himself, Bao Shuya didn't assume him to be greedy. He observed that Guan Zhong came from a poor family and assumed that he really needed the money.   We can think from the perspective of Guan Zhong. There are two possibilities.   First, Guan Zhong is truly poor and in need of the money. If Bao Shuya criticizes him for taking more than his fair share, Guan Zhong would have no choice but to yield, he would feel bad that his family is so poor, and he would be upset that he now has a bad reputation. Therefore, criticizing Guan Zhong allows Bao Shuya to gain some money in the short-term, but it creates conflict with Guan Zhong in the long-term, and their friendship might end.   But when Bao Shuya was understanding and assumed good intentions of Guan Zhong, Guan Zhong must have felt very touched. After all, everyone has an inner conscience, so Guan Zhong probably felt a bit guilty for taking more than his fair share. Yet when Bao Shuya didn't blame him, and instead affirmed him, he must have felt very touched and grateful. In this case, Bao Shuya lost some money in the short term, but he gained a devoted friend in the long-term.   The second possibility is that Guan Zhong was actually being greedy and trying to cheat Bao Shuya. If Bao Shuya criticized Guan Zhong, then Guan Zhong might get upset that he wasn't able to cheat Bao Shuya this time, and he might try again in the future. In any case, fighting back just leads to more fighting.   But when Bao Shuya was understanding and assumed good intentions, Guan Zhong might feel bad for taking advantage of such a good person. Again, everyone has an inner conscience. People might feel justified if they're mistreating someone whom they think "deserves it" or when they "have no choice". But mistreating weak people and good people is something everyone would naturally view as wrong.   From this scenario analysis, we can see that being understanding and assuming good intentions always creates a better result than criticizing and blaming. Moreover, it's just what a true friend naturally does.   Bao Shuya also had many other great virtues. When Duke Huan wanted to promote him to be his chancellor, many people would be delighted at the opportunity for great power and wealth second only to the Duke. However, Bao Shuya was humble. He knew the role required a person of high abilities, and he did not think himself to be suitable compared to Guan Zhong. He was also selfless. He thought about what would be the best for the Duke and the State of Qi, which would be to have the best chancellor possible, Guan Zhong.   Bao Shuya was also wise, able to think long-term. If Qi doesn't employ Guan Zhong, other states might. It's then possible for another state to become extremely powerful with Guan Zhong's help, and one day, that state might attack Qi. In that case, Bao Shuya would have to fight Guan Zhong. Through this analysis, we can better understand why Bao Shuya recommended Guan Zhong so strongly, and we should remind ourselves to practice humility, selflessness, and long-term thinking.   Conclusion So back to the original question: what makes a true friend?   There is another saying in Chinese that goes, "Friends have good faith."   I think Bao Shuya really exemplified having good faith towards Guan Zhong. He always believed in Guan Zhong, even when no one else did, and he always had Guan Zhong's best interest at heart. We should also reflect on our relationships with our family and friends: Do we have faith in them? Do we believe they are good and capable? Or do we believe they can't change? Do we try to understand them and assume good intentions? Or do we assume negative intentions? Do we encourage and affirm them? Or do we criticize and negate them? Do we always have their best interests at heart? Or do we only think about ourselves? P.S. Guan Zhong and Duke Huan's story has a part 2, which I wrote about in the article The Auspicious Associate with the Virtuous Part 2 . Weekly Wisdom #377

Are you happy? If you're not as happy as you'd like to be, you're not alone. A 2020 survey by NORC at the University of Chicago found that only 14% of Americans feel "very happy", which is the lowest since the survey began in 1972. Image Source From the chart, we can see that the number of people who feel "not too happy" has been on the rise since 1990, with a big spike starting around 2018. Clearly, most of us could use some help with our happiness. The good news is, studies show that about 25% of our happiness potential is determined by our genes, meaning 75% is within our control! But who should we learn about happiness from? The world’s happiest man is Matthieu Ricard who is a molecular biologist turned Buddhist Monk. He was given that title after researchers scanned his brain and found the highest levels of gamma waves (associated with happiness) ever recorded by science. He also wrote the book Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life's Most Important Skill . In his book, he explains happiness is different from pleasure, and that the root of our happiness (and unhappiness) is in the way we think. This article will detail eight ways to rewire our mindset for happiness (you can click on any one to jump to that section): Seek inner happiness, not outer pleasure Focus on giving back, not on entitlement Want less Give without expecting anything in return Focus on effort, not results Turn failures into lessons Compare yourself to yourself, not to others Be strict towards yourself and lenient towards others Image by Shaurya Sagar on Unsplash Without further ado, let's get into it! 1: Seek Inner Happiness, Not Outer Pleasure Pleasure is a temporary, fleeting feeling that comes from outside stimulation. In our modern, materialistically rich world, outer pleasures are easier to access than ever. Examples include eating delicious food, getting social media likes, watching emotionally riveting movies and shows, and traveling to new places. The problem with external pleasures is that while they lead to a temporary "high", they also result in a "low" afterwards. The bigger the "high", the greater the "low" afterwards. Therefore, it's very important to moderate pleasures and not seek excessive pleasures. What is happiness then? There are a lot of definitions out there. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines happiness as a state of well-being and contentment . Ricard defines happiness as a long-lasting, healthy state of mind . Peter Crone, the Mind Architect, defines happiness as the absence of the search for happiness . Putting all of these ideas together, let's define happiness as a long-lasting feeling of contentment and peace . In this happy state, we wouldn't search for outside pleasure. So how can we become happy? The rest of this article will help with that. 2: Focus on Giving Back, Not on Entitlement Entitlement is a big killer of happiness. It makes us feel like other people should be giving more to us, or the world should be treating us better. This type of attitude also kills relationships. To overcome entitlement, we need to nurture gratitude . Image Source We can reflect on how much others have given us, such as parents, teachers, government, all workers in society, and Mother Nature. Living in a mindset of gratitude is to live in a world of joy, and from that mindset of gratitude, we will naturally want to give back to others. 2.1 Parents Our parents raised us and put up with us when we were helpless infants that needed 24/7 care. They worked hard to put food on the table every day and to pay for our education. When we were sick, they took care of us. When they got something good, they shared it with us. They selflessly gave us what they didn't get when they were younger so that our lives would be better than theirs. Perhaps you might feel like your parents demanded a lot from you, such as good grades and attending all those extra classes. But ultimately, their intention was always for our benefit. They never asked us to pay them back a single dollar or minute. When we think about all that our parents have given us, how could we not feel grateful? When we feel grateful, we don't feel unhappy. In fact, we want to give back. How can we do that? The obvious things are to buy things for them like good food and useful gadgets. But even better would be to spend more time with them, give them more words of appreciation, notice what they're worried about, and reduce their worries. Some people complain that their parents didn't do enough for them or didn't raise them properly. But no one is perfect. Parents always try their best in the circumstances that they were faced with; they weren't purposely trying to mess up. Rather than feeling entitled to a "good childhood", we should be grateful for all the effort and hard work that parents went through despite all their difficulties. To give back, we can make their remaining years better, and ensure the future generations get better circumstances. 2.2 Teachers It's thanks to teachers that we have our knowledge and abilities today. There are so many people in poor countries who did not get an education and cannot earn a living. Just like parents, teachers want the best for their students without expecting anything in return. When we were lazy and had a bad attitude, teachers would push us and try to get us to improve. When we worked hard, teachers worked just as hard to support us in our growth. To give back to teachers, we should try to fulfill teachers' aspirations for us. All teachers hope that their students will use the knowledge they gained for good, to becoming contributing members of society, to make the world a better place. This is something that parents share in common with teachers. Without our parents and teachers, we would amount to nothing. Therefore, we should use the abilities we gained from them to repay their gratitude. 2.3 Government The government provides so many essential services that many people take for granted, such as national defense, healthcare, roads, public transportation, education, waste management, electricity, and so much more. There are so many poor and unstable countries in the world where citizens do not receive such services from their government, so we are extremely fortunate to have our government. To give back to our government, we should we contribute to the country and society in whatever way we can, whether that's through our job or through volunteering. We should also follow the laws and pay our taxes to show our gratitude to the government. 2.4 All Workers in Society In our modern society, the amount of work and labor that goes into every day items is unimaginable. For example, when you go to the grocery store, you can buy food from all over the world. Think about all the farmers, transportation workers, and scientists involved in providing you with food. When you use your phone or computer, think about all the factory workers, office workers, raw material extractors, engineers, etc. that are involved in making your device. When you use the roads, think about all the construction workers and maintenance people required for those roads. Our daily life requires the service of countless people in society. Without them, we would be living like cavemen in the wild. To give back, we should respect all people in society because everyone is contributing in their own way, and we should do our best to contribute to society in our own way. 2.5 Mother Nature While it's certainly nice to have technology and money, none of that matters without air and food. It's Mother Nature that gives us these two things. And like a true mother, Mother Nature has never asked for anything in return for its service. Even though humans are polluting the earth and hurting Mother Nature, it still does its best to nurture all life on earth. To give back to Mother Nature, we should do our best to take care of the environment. We can reduce things that hurt the environment such as driving, eating animal products, and throwing away garbage. We can also increase things that help the environment such as gardening, composting, buying local food, and buying organic food. 2.6 Gratitude + Giving = Happiness "Remember that the happiest people are not those getting more, but those giving more." —H. Jackson Brown Jr. When we're always expecting others to give to us, we become unhappy. When we're mindful of how much others have given us, and when we focus on giving to others, we become happy. To nurture the habit of gratitude, we can keep a gratitude journal, where we write down at least three things we're grateful for that day. Then we can go a step further and keep track of at least one way we've given back gratitude that day. Image by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash By reminding ourselves daily of gratitude and giving, we will naturally rewire our mindset to experience more happiness and joy in life. 3: Want Less Just like how pleasures need moderation, the same is true for desires. People often think if they could just get what they want, they would be happy. The problem is, desires are limitless, and the pleasure of attaining something is only temporary. After you attain it, you might become stressed about losing what you obtained, or you'll be unhappy when you find something else you haven't obtained yet. The great Stoic philosopher Seneca said it well when he said, "It is inevitable that life will be not just very short but very miserable for those who acquire by great toil what they must keep by greater toil." For example, some people work so hard to buy a big house, bigger than they really need. After borrowing money to buy the house, they then end up working even harder to pay back the mortgage, spending most of their time working and little time actually in the house. Seneca also said, "No person has the power to have everything they want, but it is in their power not to want what they don’t have, and to cheerfully put to good use what they do have." For example, I don't have a car to drive to work. Rather than complaining about having to take public transit, and I cheerfully put to good use my commute time. I use it to listen to educational podcasts. Since I'm not driving, I can even take notes on my phone. If I'm tired, I can nap on the bus. I also save money on insurance and gas. Often times, when we put to best use what we do have, we no longer crave for something we don't have. 4: Give Without Expecting Anything in Return To be able to give is a great fortune. Giving without expecting anything in return is a what gives humans long-lasting fulfillment and contentment. As Nelson Henderson once said, “The true meaning of life is to plant trees under whose shade you do not expect to sit.” Image Source When we serve others, help others, or give to others without expecting anything in return, we are truly making the world a better place, and when we make the world a better place, we feel an inner sense of contentment and value. Furthermore, serving others give us a fulfilling purpose in our lives. Knowing that we made a positive impact on others brings us long-lasting contentment, which is true happiness. 5: Focus on Doing Your Best, Then Let Whatever Happens Happen People often judge themselves based on results, which is a sure way to create disappointment. You could work hard and do everything "right" and still get an undesirable result. Why? Because there are too many factors that you cannot control in the result. To expand this idea, focus on what's in your control and let go of what's outside your control . Image Source For example, when Jay Shetty was writing his book, Think Like a Monk , people asked him what his goal was for the book. Most people would say things like " I hope it becomes a best seller ", but Jay said " I just want to write the best possible book I can. " He focused on what was in his control: writing a good book, getting advice from everyone he could, connecting with as many public figures as he could, using as many interesting marketing methods as he could. The day before the book launch, Jay sent an email to his team saying how grateful he was to everyone for doing their utmost, and that no matter what the result is, he's very happy because everyone did their best. His publisher replied, "Oh that's a very nice and surprising thing to hear! We usually only get nice messages like this after a book does well, not before." Later, his book ended up being the #1 best seller in many countries for months. A big part of his success can be attributed to the fact that he was 100% focused on doing his best and didn't waste energy worrying about the results. Jay showed a great example of just focusing on input and intention while detaching from the result. Now you might be thinking, "But what if the result is bad?" That brings us to #6. 6: Turn Failures into Lessons "We're programmed to believe that life is for enjoyment, but actually it's for education...We think we're in a candy shop, but we're in a classroom." —Jay Shetty Setbacks, mistakes, and failures are guaranteed in life. But they don't have to ruin your happiness, your sense of peace and wellbeing. The key is to turn these setbacks into lessons, which will then make us feel gratitude and progress, both of which are positive. "When you don't get what you want, you get more of what you need. When you're attached to what you're want, you're not open to what you need." —Jay Shetty Whenever something undesirable happens in life, always ask yourself, "How can I use this to improve myself?" and "What can I learn from this?" . This way, you turn that setback into a lesson, which then makes you grateful for that event. When you act on that learning, you'll have proof that you improved yourself, and that feeling of progress gives you more happiness. The Japanese term " kintsukuroi " is a great analogy for this. Kinstsukuroi is the act of repairing broken pottery with gold or silver and understanding that it is now more beautiful after being broken and repaired. The same is true for setbacks in our lives. The act of repairing with gold is to learn from the setback and act on those learnings to improve ourselves. Image Source A great video I like to watch facing setbacks and failures is this video from Jay Shetty: In the video, he talks about how all great people with amazing successes have failed big. He gives examples such as Brian Action, J.K. Rowling, and Bill Gates. He emphasizes that failures are only failures if we don't learn from them because if we learn from them, they become lessons. With this kind of attitude, if we don't achieve our initial goal, we'll end up achieving even more than what we originally had aimed for, and we'll look back on our failures with gratitude and humility. 7: Compare Yourself to Yourself, Not to Others We've probably all experienced comparing ourselves to others, whether it's against classmates, colleagues, friends, people on TV, or people on social media. To build our happiness on being better than other people is basically putting ourselves in prison, with other people being the jail guard. We cannot control other people's circumstances, so basing our happiness on their circumstances is to give our happiness into their control. No one's life is perfect, and everyone is dealing with their own troubles. Comparing our troubles to other people's fortune is not just a bad habit, but completely inaccurate. For example, a millionaire might compare herself to a billionaire and feel bad, but maybe she has a much better family life. Or a small celebrity might compare himself to a big celebrity and feel bad, but he doesn't know how much that big celebrity wants to have the privacy and freedom of a small celebrity. Image Source Rather than competing with others, we should seek to be inspired by others good points and to compete with ourselves. Ask yourself questions such as Am I better than my past self one year ago? Am I attaining my full potential currently? If I unexpectedly died tomorrow, would I be proud of the type of person I lived as? When we re-direct energy into improving ourselves, achieving our full potential, and cultivating our character , we will create more happiness and progress in our lives. 8: Be Strict Towards Yourself and Lenient Towards Others Relationships are a big part of happiness. In his Ted Talk , What Makes a Good Life? Lessons from the Longest Study on Happiness , researcher Robert Waldinger reported, “The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.” When it comes to relationships, unhappy people focus their energy on The faults of the other person What the other person should be doing more of How the other person wronged them Unhappy people are strict towards others are lenient towards themselves. They expect others to change and improve, but they themselves don't put in effort to change and improve. They want others to give more to the relationship while they take more. They want to be understood, but they don't try to understand the other person. It's no wonder they have so many conflicts in relationships! On the other hand, happy people focus on The strengths of the other person The contributions of the other person The hardships the other person is going through Happy people are strict towards themselves and lenient towards others. They focus on doing their best, giving lots to the relationship, being empathetic, and helping the other person with that they need. The Dalai Lama explained it well when he said, "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." Compassion is about being tolerant towards others, trying to reduce their suffering, and viewing their happiness as our own happiness. Relationships is too big of a topic to go in-depth here, so if you want to learn more about how to nurture loving relationships, check out this article . Conclusion Happiness is not about chasing temporary pleasures, it is about rewiring our way of thinking for long-lasting contentment and peace. Rewiring our mindset is not only free and available to us at any time, it address the root of our happiness. As Dr. Alan Zimmerman says, Watch your thoughts. They become words. Watch your words. They become actions. Watch your actions. They become habits. Watch your habits. They become character. Watch your character. It becomes your destiny. This article detailed eight major ways to rewire our mind for happiness: Redirect our goal from outer pleasure to inner contentment Contemplate how much others have given us and try to give back Reduce desires and make full use of what we already have Plant trees under whose shade you do not plan to sit Focus on what's in your control (your efforts), not what's outside your control (the results) Ask yourself, "How can I make good use of this setback?" Compete with yourself and be inspired by others Expect more from yourself and be tolerant towards others I hope you will find at least a couple of these methods useful in improving your happiness!

What do you really want? Do you believe in yourself, that you can accomplish anything you set your mind to? The question of self-confidence or self-belief really gets to the core of our being. Of course, the answer doesn't need to be a simple "yes" or "no", it would be more accurate to think on a scale from 0% to 100%. Most of us are probably not at 100%. At least, I'm certainly not. In that case, it is extremely important and highly worthwhile to move ourselves higher on the self-belief scale. Why? Because our beliefs determine our thoughts, our thoughts determine our actions, and our actions determine our life. If we don't believe we can succeed, we won't even try. If our belief is weak, then we will act with weak motivation, and then we give up in the face of the slightest difficulty. If we really believe we can do it, then we will act with resolute determination, and we will keep marching through all difficulties until we finally achieve our goal. Global leadership expert Sheila Murray Bethel said: "Of all the communication you do, none is more important than how you talk to yourself. Your internal confidence has more to do with your success in life than any other factor." Indeed, we probably won't find any highly successful person who says, "I'm not a very capable person. I didn't think I could achieve this. It just kind of happened by luck." Unfortunately, many of us have too much negative self-talk. According to the National Science Foundation, 80% of the average person's daily thoughts are negative. That means we have a lot more thoughts related to worry, doubt, and fear instead of belief, confidence, and determination. The big question is: How can we move higher on the self-belief scale? There isn't one right answer, but below are some methods I've found: Focus on innate potential Re-train your thoughts Re-select your values Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 1: Know Your Innate Potential So many of us base our self-confidence based on impermanent things, such as wealth, status, intelligence, beauty, success, and other's opinions. The problem is, these things easily change, which means our self-confidence is shaky. If we can build our self-confidence based on something eternal, then we will have permanent self-confidence. What is that "something"? Ancient philosophers tell us that every person is born with the same innate potential. Put in modern scientific terms, we all have the same human DNA. Image Source The ancient Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius said, "If it's humanly possible, you can do it too." Contemporary Stoic Ryan Holiday echoed the same idea when he said, "Don't forget, though, that you come from a long, unbroken line of ancestors who survived unimaginable adversity, difficulty, and struggle. It's their genes and their blood that run through your body right now… as their viable offspring, you're capable of what they are capable of. You're meant for this." Think of all the great heroes, past or present, that you admire. They are people just like us. If you research their life, you will find that they have problems and encountered difficulties just like us. In fact, they probably had even more difficulties than most people. But they were able to push through. If they can do it, so can we. Viktor E. Frankl went through hell in the Nazi concentration camps. Most of us probably won't go through anywhere near as much suffering or torture as he did. But he said, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” In other words, our ability to choose how we behave and respond to our circumstances can never be taken away from us, and that's the key to greatness. That is what we should build our confidence on. As long as we continue to believe in ourselves, we will persevere. And as long as we persevere, we will eventually break through. A great example is Thomas Edison. He failed a thousand times before he finally successfully invented the lightbulb. Another example is Bill Gates. His first company crumbled, and his first product demo didn't even work. He went on to create Microsoft. One more example is J.K. Rowling. When she wrote her first manuscript for Harry Potter, she was rejected by twelve publishers! She went on to create the Harry Potter empire. They are all human just like us. We will make mistakes and fail just like them. But just like them, we can achieve any goal as long as we believe in ourselves and never give up. 2: Re-Train Your Thoughts Marcus Aurelius also said, "The things you think about determine the quality of your mind. Your soul takes on the color of your thoughts." Ultimately, our thought patterns are a habit, and like any habit, they can be un-learned and re-trained. When we doubt ourselves, we have thoughts like, I can't do that. That's too hard for me. Other people can do that. I can't do that. I'm so dumb. I'm such a failure. We need to train ourselves to be sensitive to our thoughts, to catch these sinister thoughts, and then dispel them with proper thoughts. Liao Fan's Four Lessons goes into detail about habit change, and a great teaching from the book is, "When proper thoughts arise, improper thoughts will naturally be unable to pollute the mind." To give an analogy, our improper thoughts, such as self-doubt, are like thieves. They are in the wrong from the very beginning, so they don't dare to be tested in court. Our proper thoughts are like police. When the police arrive, all the thieves scramble to hide or run away. When we start to doubt ourselves, we can think: I can do anything I set my mind to, just like Thomas Edison. I might not succeed overnight, but I can definitely succeed through perseverance. Have I ever done anything challenging in the past? If I overcame difficulty before, I can do it again. People with human DNA have done harder things than this. I have human DNA too, I can definitely do it. It might be hard at the beginning, but my ability will increase with training. Even if I'm not as smart as I want to be right now, that doesn't mean I can't get smarter. I can start improving today. I'm not a failure, I'm a learner on a learning journey. No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. Great people aren't those who don't make mistakes, they are those who learn and improve from their mistakes. Here some more Stoicism quotes for permanent self-confidence: "The trials you face will introduce you to your strengths." —Epictetus "A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials." —Seneca "Nothing important comes into being overnight; even grapes or figs need time to ripen." —Epictetus "Devote the rest of your life to making progress." —Epictetus "It does not matter what you bear, but how you bear it." —Seneca As with any new habit, at the beginning, it takes a lot of effort to re-train our thoughts, but slowly and surely, it will become more natural. One day, we will suddenly notice that our self-confidence is a lot more than before. 3: Re-Select Your Values As mentioned earlier, so many of us base our self-confidence and self-esteem based on external things, such as wealth, status, intelligence, beauty, success, and other's opinions. These things are all subject to change and outside of our control. When we heavily value these things, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment in the future, and we will lose self-esteem. If we want a healthy mindset, what should we value then? Marcus Aurelius said, "Life is short—the fruit of this life is a good character and acts for the common good." In other words, we should value self-improvement and kindness. Socrates said, "Just as one person delights in improving his farm, and another his horse, so I delight in attending to my own improvement day by day." When we value self-improvement, we will be humble and try to learn from every experience. Whereas others will feel dejected in the face of difficulty, a humble person will learn and improve from it. When we learn and improve from every situation, we will gain more confidence, and we no longer fear "unfavorable" circumstances because we can grow from them. What a very delightful way to live! Confucius expressed the same idea when he said, "Walking among two people, I find my teacher among them. I choose that which is good in them and follow it, and that which is bad and change it." In other words, a humble person sees everyone as their teacher. If we see people's good points, we don't need to feel dejected, envious, or inferior. After all, everyone has their unique strengths, including ourselves. We should be happy to encounter them and learn from their good points. When we encounter people's bad points, we shouldn't feel arrogant or blame them, because everyone has their weaknesses, including ourselves. We should reflect on whether we have the same problem (most likely yes) and how we can correct it in ourselves. With this kind of attitude, we won't be self-depreciating nor arrogant, which means our self-confidence won't be hurt by anyone. Moreover, as we improve with every interaction, our self-confidence grows too. The second virtue that Marcus Aurelius mentioned is kindness. Kindness dampens ego. The ego is very polar. It either makes us arrogant (I'm way better than others) or self-deprecating (I'm the worst). When we value kindness, we shift our attention from the self to others. Rather than thinking so much about our desires and worries, we think about how to help others be happy, thereby forgetting "I". As Seneca said, "Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness." With this kind of attitude, we won't think so much about "I" or how others are thinking about "me". When we then act on our kind thoughts and help others, we gain the joy of helping others and the joy of making a positive difference in the world. These are all helpful for our self-confidence. My Experience Epictetus said, "Who then is invincible? The one who cannot be upset by anything outside their reasoned choice." That is something I want. Thus, I need to stop being a slave to emotions like desire and anger. I've studied great philosophers of the past and know that it's definitely possible, but I'm still far from it. When I do something dumb due to desire or get upset, sometimes, I feel like it's too hard to master my own emotions. But the important thing for me is to remember patience. These habits don't get corrected in one day…or one month…or one year…It takes years and years of perseverance. I'm sure past heroes didn't master their emotions in a day. They dedicated their whole lives to it, so I shouldn't rush. It's no wonder Epictetus said " Devote the rest of your life to making progress. " He must have done the same himself. If he can do it, I can do it too. Even though my cultivation has ups and downs, as long as I get back up after my falls, I can maintain a positive trend, and that's what I should judge myself on. I remember my mentor once said, " I'm not that capable or smart. I often trip and fall. The only reason I got to the (high) position I am in right now is because every time I fall, after I lick my wounds, I get back up and keep on going. Lots of more capable and intelligent people started on this path before me. But they all gave up. So the only people left are the less capable and less intelligent people like me. " Obviously, my mentor is very humble, but from his statement, I also see that he doesn't base his self-confidence on impermanent things like intelligence or ability. Instead, he bases his self-confidence on his decision to always get back up after each fall, and that's something we can all do. Conclusion What do you really want? Do you believe you can attain it? Our beliefs determine our thoughts, our thoughts determine our actions, and our actions determine our life. If we want a happy and successful life, we have to put in effort to improve our self-confidence. To do that, we can first remind ourselves that we have the same DNA as all the great heroes of the past and present. If they can do it, so can I, as long as I persevere. Second, we can re-train our thoughts by using proper thoughts to dispel improper thoughts. Third, we can re-select our values. Rather than valuing external things, we can choose to value self-improvement and kindness. As our self-confidence grows, so too will our happiness and success. Weekly Wisdom #262

Have you ever encountered a situation where what people say doesn't match what's written down? I have recently, and I've reflected on how we should handle these situations.   Situation 1: Flight Baggage Recently, I booked a round-trip flight from Toronto to Vancouver. There were five of us, and we ordered 3 check-in luggages, and each person had one personal item (basically a backpack or bag) to bring onto the plane. On the first flight from Toronto to Vancouver, one person brought both a backpack and a tote bag, and it was fine, so we assumed that the tote bag doesn't count.   On the way back, we had quite a lot more luggage, so each person decided to carry a tote bag. When we were checking in, we even got luggage tags for both our backpacks and tote bags from the staff member, so we assumed that it's fine. Image Source: GPT But once we were about to board the plane, the staff member told us we only paid for one personal item each, and we need to pay extra for the 5 tote bags. I asked how much it would be, and it's quite a lot, about 20% of a flight ticket for one tote bag.   What would you do if you were me?   …   I first explained, "The staff member back at the check-in counter gave us the luggage tags, so we assumed that our bags are fine. If it's not fine, the staff member back then should have told us, and we would've adjusted our luggage back there."   The staff member at the gate replied, "I don't know what happened back there, but I am going with what your ticket information says."   She then said that the plane is about to leave, and that if we don't board in the next minute, we will miss this flight. It was almost midnight, and we were all tired, so we decided to just pay the extra fees.   Is it unfair? Arguably. Did I get upset? A little. But as a cultivator and philosopher, I need to use what I learn to calm myself.   Mencius said, "When things do go according to your wishes, reflect on yourself (for the cause)." Icon Source   Ultimately, the root of the problem lies in myself. When what the staff member at the check-in counter said didn't match what the ticket said, I shouldn't so easily believe the person. I should have double checked and asked, "But the ticket says only one personal item per person. Do these tote bags not count?" My guess is that the staff member didn't check our ticket information carefully and just assumed we had both a carry-on luggage and a personal item.   As for why one of us was able to bring an extra tote bag onto the plane on the first flight, I guess that was just random "luck". But getting lucky once becomes bad luck when we assume it will be repeated.   So the biggest lesson I learned is this: Only I am responsible for checking the rules, and when what others say don't match the written rules, always check.   Did I file a complaint? Yes, but the goal wasn't not to vent anger, it was to tell them that they should train their check-in staff better to prevent other customers from being misled. The customer service rep apologized for the bad service, and my case was recorded. In this way, I've done my part to help others hopefully not encounter the same problem I did.   The other thing that came to mind is something my mentor told me before: "Ultimately, a problem that can be solved with money is not that big of a problem."   Sure, it's not pleasant to have to pay so much for an extra tote bag, but it's not that  big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, so I shouldn't dwell on it. We reflect and learn from each mistake, and then we move on.   Situation 2: Washroom Sign I also thought about if there's ever a situation where we should listen to what people say instead of what's written. I think yes, but we'd have to get confirmation from a credible person, and we should also ask them to make a written or oral announcement so that everyone knows; Otherwise, other people may think we are breaking the rules.   For example, recently at my school, a lot of people from the general public came for an event. There was a door that said "Staff Washroom" on it. Some people didn't ask and just used it even though they aren't school staff. The thing is, when one person does this, other people will see, and lots of people will assume it's open to the general public and use it. This is not the appropriate or cautious thing to do.   If I were a member of the general public, I would ask a staff member if I'm allowed to use the staff washroom. If they said yes, I would ask them to post a sign saying "Members of the event allowed" or make an announcement to all the people there. Otherwise, it's possible that the message wouldn't spread, and other people might think I'm breaking the rules.   If they said no, I would let them know that I saw other people use it. This way they can respond appropriately, maybe by posting another sign saying "general public not allowed" or changing their decision to allow the general public to use it.   Situation 3: Meeting End Time Another situation I thought of is when everyone is always late. For example, if we have a weekly meeting that's supposed to be from 4:00 to 5:00, but in reality, it usually ends at 5:30, what do we pay attention to? In this case, I would expect the meeting to end at the time it usually ends, which is 5:30. This is from the perspective of being a participant. I shouldn't get upset that they are "late" because past experience tells me it's normal for them to end late. Moreover, I should bring up the matter to the leader of the meeting and suggest changing the written time to be 4:00 to 5:30. This way, we are promoting a culture of trustworthiness, and people won't doubt the leaders' words.   Image Source: Unsplash If I were in charge of running the meeting, then I would check with the participants at 5:00 if it's OK with everyone to end the meeting late, and if anyone has anything urgent to do, they can leave early and just read the meeting notes later. If we frequently run overtime, I would discuss with the participants: "Should we agree to change the meeting time to be 4:00 to 5:30 instead? Or should we change anything to run the meeting more smoothly?" This is showing respect to them and taking my own trustworthiness seriously.   Situation 4: Job Performance One more example I thought of is a story that one of my teachers shared. Basically, a person was getting emails from his manager saying that his performance was mediocre, and when he asked about it to his manager, the manager said he's fine. The manager sent multiple emails, and he asked multiple times. Each time, the manager said he's fine. He was quite confused, and when he asked my teacher about it, he told him, "You do realize your manager is trying to find a legal way to fire you, right?"   So what would you do if you were in this person's situation?   …   There isn't one correct answer, but I might send an email back to the manager saying, "Thank you for the conversation today. I now know it was a misunderstanding and that you are happy with my performance in terms of X and Y, and I will continue to work hard in those areas. If you ever have any feedback, please let me know and I will work hard to improve."   Conclusion When what others' wrote down do not match what they say, it's important to double check with someone credible. It's possible that they made a mistake (like with my flight situation), or they have ulterior motives (like that manager), or they didn't realize that the written message needs to be changed (like the washroom situation). Image Source: GPT   If we choose to listen to someone's words instead of what's written, then we  are taking a risk, and only we  will bear the consequences of that risk. To deal with such risk, we should ask the person in charge to change what's written so that everyone knows the new rules. If we are the person in charge, then it's very important to match our words and actions with what's written. Otherwise, people will eventually lose trust in us. Weekly Wisdom #376

2025 has just finished, and like many people, I am reflecting on my major learnings from the past year. In 2025, I had four major learnings: Propriety/Etiquette Attachment and Letting Go Be an actor not a reactor Meditation is worth it   Image created via Canva 1: Propriety/Etiquette Most people are familiar with the term "etiquette", but less are familiar with the term "propriety". Etiquette refers to the rules of polite behavior, such as saying "please" and "thank you", holding the door open for others, not interrupting others, etc. Propriety is a broader term that not only includes the matters of etiquette, but also the state of being appropriate or suitable. For example, when giving a gift, we have to make sure the timing and value of the gift are appropriate. Therefore, I prefer the term "propriety" over "etiquette".   Confucius once said, "If one does not learn propriety, one will not be able to establish oneself in society."   After all, no one likes a rude and selfish person. We live in an interdependent society, so if someone is disliked by lots of people, they won't be able to establish a footing for themselves in society. One could argue that propriety is the foundation of Confucianism.   All the ancient philosophers teach us to cultivate virtues like kindness and respect. These are principles, but principles need to be integrated with matters, and the rules of etiquette are the starting point. We can cultivate our kindness and respect by practicing etiquette such as When others are talking to us, look at them with full attention. Aim to arrive 10 minutes early. You'll never know if you'll get delayed, and arriving late seems like you don't respect other people's time. If others are late, tell them "It's no rush. Take your time." When sneezing, sneeze into your elbow, not hands, and say excuse me. Don't speak loudly in quiet places. Don't disturb others when they're busy or in a bad mood. Knock before entering someone else's room. Respect other people's space. When people call you or message you, try to respond promptly. Don't make others wait too long. When standing or talking with others, don't block doors or paths. When walking in a crowded place, don't stare at your phone because you'll walk slowly and block other people.   These are just a few examples, and I listed many more in my previous post on etiquette . These matters are extremely common in daily life, so practicing etiquette is key to cultivating our virtues.   I also wrote quite a few stories on Yanzi, who was a master of propriety and highly respected by Confucius. How Yanzi Made His Ruler Look Good How Yanzi Diffused His Ruler's Anger How Yanzi Graciously Refused His Ruler How Yanzi Humiliated His Humiliator   Also, in the later half of 2025, I started translating a Chinese text called 常禮舉要 or The Essentials on Common Propriety . I have finished translating the text, but I am still studying a lecture series on the text, and I plan to write some articles on it in the future.   2: Attachment and Letting Go The concept of attachment and letting go is absolutely critical and foundation to Buddhism, and it took me many years to understand the concept well enough to be able to communicate it in a blog article. If we want to be at peace, relaxed, and wise like the Buddha, we need to let go of attachments.   Basically, attachment is a strong desire for anything, such that if we can't get it, we become unhappy. Attachment includes a strong desire to not have something as well. Attachment is analogous to gripping tightly onto something. It causes our mind to be tense and stressed. Letting go is to loosen that grip. You can still hold the thing if needed, but you're also willing to let it go if needed. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3   Understanding the concept of letting go is much easier than actually practicing it. For example, think of a food or person or matter that you really dislike. Can you make yourself not mind it? Or think of something that you really want. Can you make yourself not mind if you cannot get it? If so, then you've made yourself impervious to suffering, just like the Buddha!   In my article on Attachment and Letting Go , I explained five ways to help us practice letting go: See the truth Control the controllables and let go of the rest Embrace reality Practice selflessness Understand karma and accord with the conditions   Since I already explained in that article, I won't repeat here. What I will say is that detachment is like a muscle. The more we practice it, the better we become, and the rewards are very worthwhile.   3: Be an actor not a reactor This concept is core in the genre of western self-development. To quote Dr. Alan Zimmerman: "It's not so much what happens to you that matters. It's how you're conditioned to respond that makes all the difference."   I remember when I was a teenager, I read the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People , and the first habit is "be proactive", which is basically the same idea as "be an actor not a reactor".   Image Source: GPT This past year, I took a short workshop on this topic, and I shared my learnings in a series of blog posts: Be An Actor Not A Reactor Part 1: Inconveniences Be An Actor Not A Reactor Part 2: Negative People Be An Actor Not A Reactor Part 3: Negative Expectations Be An Actor Not A Reactor Part 4: Adversity   One of the stories that really stuck with me was how Dr. Zimmerman would tell her negative daughter in the morning, "Shelly! Something good is going to happen to you! Tell me what it is later." As time progressed, Shelly slowly started noticing the good things in her day, and she became more positive. As a teacher at school, I tried this with a negative student as well, and I noticed that his ability to notice good things has also improved after a couple months.   Another idea that I am still working on is to not catch other people's negative energy. Dr. Zimmerman says: "Perhaps there's someone that just really irks you. Rather than continue getting irked by them all the time, why not go to the bookstore and buy a book on coping with difficult people? Why not practice on them? You've got nothing to lose. An actor takes productive action, while a reactor merely complains." I already read books and took classes on dealing with difficult people, and I just need to keep practicing.   4: Meditation is worth it My first article of 2025 was Meditation is Worth It . In that article, I talked about how meditation is analogous to sharpening a tool (which allows us to do things better) or cleaning a mirror (which allows us to see better). Since we use the mind for everything, meditation improves our lives from the root.   There's a Zen saying that goes, “You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes a day. Unless you're too busy, then you should sit for an hour.”   When it comes to Zen sayings, it's important to not get stuck on the words and instead comprehend the meaning behind it. In this case, it's saying that if you are so busy that you cannot set aside 20 minutes to calm down and relax, then chances are, your mind is extremely agitated and messy, in which case you'd need to spend a lot more time "cleaning" and meditating to return to a state of peace and calm.   Image Source: GPT I have persisted with daily visualization and mantra meditation for over a year now. My visualization meditation helps me to have more vigilance towards matters that would normally upset me, so I don't get upset as often or as strongly.   My meditation in the morning helps me to see how calm my state of mind is that day. If there are a lot of wandering thoughts, I try to meditate for longer if possible since the goal is to calm the mind and bring that calmness into the rest of my day. As a bonus, I will sometimes remember important things or have insightful ideas during meditation (not on purpose; it just pops up).   Usually, I do 30 minutes of visualization and 10 minutes of mantra meditation. I've noticed that I've become a lot better at staying calm and focused for the 10 minutes of mantra meditation. I remember in the past, when I first started doing mantra meditation, a 30 minute session felt so long because my mind was full of wandering thoughts. Recently, when I tried 20 minutes and then 30 minutes, I noticed that it's a lot easier for me to stay focused for those longer durations. It's quite a delightful feeling to be able to control the mind rather than being dragged in all different directions by wandering thoughts.   Conclusion 2025 seemed to be a year of attending to the foundation, whether that be propriety (foundation of Confucianism), detachment (foundation of Buddhism), or mindset (foundation of western self-development). When the foundation is strong, everything else can flourish. I am still building my foundation, so I need to keep working hard in 2026! Weekly Wisdom #375