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Image Source Recently, a teacher colleague discussed a student situation with me about two elementary school children. She said to me: "Yesterday at lunch, John was provoking Chelsea by showing off his snacks to her, and Chelsea was quite jealous and upset that she didn't have such snacks. She then threw a broccoli at John. When I saw this, I got very angry and scolded Chelsea for being disrespectful and throwing food. She felt I was being unfair because John started it. But I told her you don't have to react to John, and you certainly don't have to throw food across the table. I told her since she disrespects food, she cannot eat the rest of her lunch, and if she's hungry this afternoon, that's the consequence she has to experience. Chelsea accepted responsibility and the punishment.   Later in the afternoon, Chelsea told me she was hungry. Although I felt bad for her and wanted to give her food, I felt like I needed to keep my word and authority, so I told her that's the punishment for disrespecting food. Do you think I was too harsh on her?"   Note: Although not everyone is a teacher, most of us are probably current parents or future parents, and we may encounter similar situations with children at home. Even if we are not parents or teachers, we may have to mediate conflict for others, so we can still learn something useful from this case. If you were in this teacher's situation, what would you do? After you have your own thoughts, you can continue reading.   I responded: "First, I think the school is very fortunate to have a teacher like you who cares so much about the students' character development. A lot of other schools and teachers might just tell them to stop making a fuss and finish their lunch quietly. But you saw that this was a teaching opportunity, and you used it to teach the students an important lesson about not responding to provocations and being respectful towards food. Our school puts their character development first, so I really respect what you did.   Since you are asking me if you were too harsh on her, I can infer that deep down, you felt you were too harsh on her. I think that's your sense of conscience speaking. You mentioned that you got very angry at Chelsea. For me, if I notice that my anger is rising, I try to shut my mouth and leave the situation. That's because I know that if I have anger or other negative emotions, I will make the situation worse by speaking. Only with a calm mind can we make the situation better.   Ultimately, we should talk to them about this situation and give appropriate punishment and education. But we need to do it with the intention of helping them, and we can't mix in feelings of anger or blame. Now you are calm, so if you could re-do that whole situation, how might you do it differently?"   She said: "Yeah you're right. After I went home last night, I still kept thinking about Chelsea and felt bad for making her hungry. I also remembered that scolding kids while they're eating is not good for their digestion. But I wanted to be prompt in responding to the problem. I'm afraid that if I just let it slip by, the effect wouldn't be the same.   Also, to be honest, I was trying to scare John more so than Chelsea. I know that John started this, and when Chelsea threw the broccoli, I think John would have responded by throwing food too, so I immediately went over and was very strict on Chelsea to signal John that such behavior is not allowed. But I think John just smirked, so it didn't have the effect I was hoping for.   If I had to re-do the situation, maybe I wouldn't try to scare John by being strict with Chelsea. But when Chelsea said she was hungry in the afternoon, I don't know if I would give her something to eat. These kids are spoiled and self-centered as it is, if we give a punishment and then retract it, then wouldn't I be breaking a promise that we both agreed to? And kids might think that they can get whatever they want as long as they plead?"   I said: "I agree that you shouldn't try to scare John by being strict with Chelsea. Each person should have a consequence proportionate to their offense. John mocked Chelsea and tried to get her to be jealous. He should have some sort of consequence for that. Chelsea chose to respond by throwing broccoli at John. She got a corresponding punishment that she felt was fair, which was why she didn't argue with you. But maybe later today, you should have a chat with John to tell him that provoking others is not acceptable.   If I were you in that situation, I wouldn't scold them while they are eating because I don't want to ruin their mood and digestion during lunch. I would tell them to finish their lunch quietly, and then have them come talk to me privately during lunch recess.   They might complain that they want to have recess, in which case I'll say you guys misbehaved while eating, so we need to have a chat. I'm sure they can sense that I'm not venting anger on them because I still let them eat their lunch, but at the same time, they know that I'm principled, and I'm not letting them get away with any behavior that crosses the line.   During the chat, I'll say the things you said to Chelsea, and I'll also tell John that provoking others is a very serious offense. Maybe I would give them both detention, and John would need to write an apology letter to Chelsea, and Chelsea would need to tell me what she did wrong. If I think all the kids need to hear the conversation, I could make an announcement later and let everyone know that provoking others or throwing food is not allowed at school and that there will be consequences.   You mentioned that you didn't want to give Chelsea food in the afternoon because you're afraid that you'll be breaking a promise. This reminds me of a quote from the Record on Education : 'Great trust transcends words.'   In other words, using words and contracts is a low level of trust. A high level of trust transcends words. A high level of trust means I trust that you have my best intentions at heart. Maybe at lunch, when Chelsea agreed to the punishment, she didn't foresee how hungry she would be later. If she comes to me later and tells me she's hungry, I would ask her, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how hungry are you? Can you last until the end of school?'   If she is truly starving and can't even focus in class, then I would give her something to eat. I'm sure she wouldn't think the teacher is breaking his word. She would feel that the teacher truly cares for her. Or if she says, 'My hunger level is 7. I don't know if I can last until the end of school', then I might give her some juice to drink. That's technically not breaking my word since juice is not food, but it still gives her some energy. The reason I can think of such a solution is I'm not preoccupied with protecting my reputation; rather, I am focused on what's best for her."   The teacher asked, "But what if she's not actually that hungry, and she lies and says she's really hungry, and then she thinks she got away with lying to get what she wanted?"   I said, "You have to make a judgment call, and the way to see things clearly is to be focused purely on her wellbeing. If you're worried about things like your authority or being deceived, then you won't be able to focus on her, and you won't see clearly. If you are purely focused on her, then you will be able to judge from her facial expression, her tone of voice, her body language, her reactions, all of that, you'll be able to judge with a certain level of confidence her true situation, and then you can make the appropriate decision.   From another angle, so what if you get deceived here? If I were Chelsea, and I lied and told my teacher that I'm very hungry, and then the teacher gave me food, maybe I might think I'm very clever. But eventually, I'll realize that this teacher really cares about me, and I'll feel bad for lying to such a nice teacher, and I'd try to treat that teacher better in the future. Ultimately, there is never one correct course of action. As long as we have the proper intentions, the results will naturally align themselves.   Although we can't change the past, you can still create the future. Chelsea is still a kid, and I'm sure she didn't make a big deal out of what happened. She looked normal and happy today. Maybe you can talk to her later today and tell her that you're very impressed and proud of her that she could endure hunger all afternoon yesterday and then give her a hug."   The teacher nodded and thanked me for the advice. I told her, "Honestly, it's much easier to give advice than to actually do it. Even though I can say this advice, if I were in your actual situation, I probably wouldn't be able to do better. I just recently lost my patience with some other kids. That's why it's helpful to get advice from neutral third parties who don't have emotional baggage around the situation. You have a lot of strengths that I don't have. We're all working on improving ourselves, so let's keep supporting each other!" Weekly Wisdom #370

Welcome to this article series on Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). The aim of this series is to provide you with foundational and practical knowledge of TCM that you can use to improve your own health at home in daily life. The recommendations in this series are simple, accessible, and mostly free. After all, good health should be something that is accessible to everyone!   Here is a clickable table of contents for this series: Introduction and Foundation The Five Elements Profiles Food and Cooking The Five Major Organs The Nine Body Constitutions   The Body Clock Common Treatments from a Practitioner My Experience with TCM Health Advice From Doctors At A Chinese Medicine Hospital Sleep Tips from Traditional Chinese Medicine Emotions and Health   This article is Part 9: Health Advice From Doctors At A Chinese Medicine Hospital. This summer, I had the opportunity to learn and shadow at a traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) hospital in Inner Mongolia called Shen Nong Hospital. This opportunity came about because my TCM doctor, Dr. Kun Liu ,  goes back to her hometown in Inner Mongolia every year to visit her family, and this year, I happen to be in China at the same time. She knows I'm a TCM enthusiast, so she asked if I'm interested in coming to learn at her father's hospital for a week. I totally jumped at the opportunity. (Me in front of Shen Nong Chinese Medicine Hospital)   That week I learned a lot, and it's one of the coolest experiences I've ever had. I wrote a detailed blog post about my experience here , but I know not everyone is into the details of TCM, so in this article, I'll just share some PSA (public service announcement) type health advice that I got from the doctors there. In summary, they are Have good posture After sitting for a while, get up and do some neck and shoulder stretches Exercise enough Eat a balanced diet suited to your body constitution Avoid AC and cold wind directly blowing onto the skin, especially the neck and upper back Cultivate positive emotions Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 Basically, I asked the doctors in each department there what the most common illnesses they treat are, and how people can prevent them. After all, we should take advantage of healthy times to prevent illness. By the time we do get ill, regret is already too late.   Massage Department: Neck, Shoulders, and Digestion In the adult massage department, the doctor said, "90% of my patients come to me for shoulder and neck problems. I'm doing shoulder and neck massage almost all day. Sometimes I'll get patients with lower back problems or local injuries."   In terms of prevention, he said,  "Prevention is really simple. Most people get shoulder and neck problems due to bad desk posture for a prolonged period of time. So #1 is to have good desk posture. #2 is after sitting down for a while, maybe 30-60 minutes, get up and stretch your neck and do some shoulder exercises for a few minutes. #3 don't have AC blowing directly onto your neck and back because that cold wind will enter the body and cause the muscles there to become tense, creating problems long-term."   I asked if there are any specific exercises to do. He said,  "No, any are fine. It's not that complicated."   He then showed me some basic exercises, and indeed, it's just what you'd expect if you searched up "neck and shoulder exercises" on the internet.   In the child massage department, the doctor said most kids come to him for digestive issues (yes, TCM massage can aid digestion, and I do it for myself every day). I was surprised but also not surprised. Surprised by the fact that children already have digestive issues. But then not surprised because of the big fast food and takeout culture in modern society. This signals that as a society, we need to be more conscientious of our dietary habits. Less processed foods, fried foods, and restaurant foods. More natural foods, vegetables, and home-cooked foods. For more on healthy eating, check out this article: Healthy Eating 101 and TCM: Food and Cooking .   Moxibustion Department: Coldness and Digestion Moxibustion is when a practitioner burns moxa sticks to apply heat onto specific acupoints or areas of the body. The body then absorbs the heat and herbal qualities of the moxa. Image Source The human body needs heat, or what TCM calls "Yang", to function, and people who are deficient in Yang tend to have symptoms such as getting cold very easily, having cold hands and feet, easily tired, easily catches colds and flus, loose stools or diarrhea, and having a white coating on the tongue.   I asked the head doctor of the moxibustion department what the most common illnesses he treats are. He said that people usually come here for one of two reasons: deficiency in Yang and cold stomach. People can get deficient in Yang due to many factors, such as climatic factors (i.e., cold winter), poor diet, overwork, and old age (people's Yang energy decreases with age).   In terms of diet, eating too much cold-natured foods, cold-temperature foods, and raw foods all harm the stomach. Cold-temperature foods harm the stomach because the stomach needs heat to digest foods, and eating really cold foods will shock the body, causing it to suddenly need to direct a lot of heat towards the stomach, which is very stressful. Raw foods (e.g., raw salads) also harm the stomach because it is much harder to digest raw foods compared to cooked and soft foods, so raw foods create more "wear and tear" on the stomach.   Eating too much cold-natured foods will make the body cold, which includes the stomach, which of course reduces digestive power. In TCM, foods can be classified into five natures: cold, cool, neutral, warm, and hot. Image Source   For example, most fruits are cold, so eating a lot of raw fruits can lead to diarrhea. Of course, an appropriate amount is fine, especially in hot weather. Every person's body is different, so we cannot use one standard for everyone. But if you have a cold body constitution, then you should eat less cold-natured foods and more warm-natured foods, such as ginger, pepper, garlic, cinnamon, pumpkin, walnuts, etc. If you do eat cold-natured foods, you can mix in some warm-natured ones. For example, seafood tends to be cold, which is why Japanese people pair seafood with wasabi and ginger.   Of course, not everyone has a cold body constitution. Some people have an overly hot body constitution, which might lead to symptoms such as always feeling hot, hot hands and feet, dry mouth and nose, dry stools or constipation, oily face, acne (no wonder I used to get acne after eating fast food), bad breath, and a yellow coating on the tongue. This can be due to excess fried foods (deep-fried foods are very high in Yang), spicy foods, and alcohol. My doctor mentioned that a lot of westerners have excess Yang because of eating too much fast food, especially fried chicken (a double-whammy on Yang). For people who have excess Yang, eating some cold-natured foods would be helpful. The goal is always balance.   Healthy eating in TCM encompasses more than just warm or cold natures, and if you're interested in learning more, you can read this article: TCM Food And Cooking . I'll just mention a few more tips here: Go for a short walk after meals to aid digestion. Don't sit down right away. Eat until 70-80% full. Eating too full hurts the stomach. Eat at regular times. Try to eat a variety of flavors. It's easy to eat sweet and salty in western foods. Try to add some sour, spicy, aromatic, and bitter flavors into the diet. Each organ responds to different flavors. Eat a variety of colors. Each organ responds to different colors.   Cupping Department: Colds and Emotions Cupping is when a practitioner applies suction cups to draw out and clean out toxins from the body. The color left behind indicates different health situations. For example, light pink is healthy, darker colors indicate stronger stagnation, red indicates heat, and purple indicates coldness. Sometimes the cup becomes damp inside, which indicates dampness in the body.   Image Source I asked the cupping practitioner what patients usually come see her for. She said, " Usually for coughs, back problems, and liver stagnation."   Coughs and colds are a bit unavoidable. We all catch a cold once in a while. But I learned that aside from viruses, we can also catch a non-contagious type of cold when the body goes from a really hot environment to a cold one. This actually happened to me in Fuzhou, China.   In the summer, it's 40 degrees outside, but all the rooms are air conditioned. I was moving a lot of boxes and furniture between rooms, so I went from 40 degrees to suddenly 20 degrees, back and forth. I was sweating a lot, so all my pores were open, then I enter an AC room, and that cold air directly enters my pores. Moreover, I was a bit overworked and sleep-deficient, resulting in a weakened immune system. When the external pathogen (in this case, the cold wind from the AC) is stronger than the body's defensive energy, the person gets ill, and I indeed caught a cold.   I also noticed that many people in Fuzhou wear a light wind-breaker jacket to prevent AC from directly blowing onto their skin. I was very intrigued at first because I've never seen people do that in the west. But now I know that if someone is sitting still, and there's AC blowing directly onto the skin, especially the neck and upper back, it's very easy for the cold wind to enter and accumulate in the body, which will eventually create problems.   My doctor also said that the majority of the cold-natured patients that she sees tend to sit in an office environment all day, meaning they lack exercise, and exercise creates Yang. They also have AC blowing on their bodies all day. So it's important for us to get up and do some simple exercises after sitting for a while, to dress warm enough in an AC room, and avoid AC directly blowing onto the skin, especially the neck and upper back.   Back problems are also related to back posture and lack of exercise, though sometimes they can be due to local injuries. I didn't ask more about this one to the doctor, so I won't say that much.   Liver stagnation is usually due to emotional disharmony, such as anger, frustration, stress, and anxiety. According to TCM, external pathogens need to go through many defensive layers before they can reach our internal organs. However, emotions directly and immediately affect our organs' health. I never realized how serious emotional management was for my health until I learned TCM.   So if we want to prevent liver stagnation and other health problems, it's very important to cultivate happiness, calm, and peaceful emotions. Regularly do activities like yoga, tai chi, going for walks in nature, or whatever helps you to feel calm, relaxed, peaceful, and happy. The topic of healthy emotions is a big one, and if you want to read more, you can check out my past articles on stress management , relationship management , and inner joy .   Conclusion When we are healthy, we might not think too much about preventing illness. But after we get ill and feel really uncomfortable and painful, we think, "Ah! If only I knew this would happen earlier, I would have done more to prevent it!"  So let's take advantage of healthy times to guard against illness.   In summary, the doctors at the hospital recommended: Posture is very important for our neck and back. Practice good posture. After sitting down for a while, get up and do some quick neck and shoulder exercises. Exercise enough. Avoid having AC blow directly onto your skin, especially the neck and upper back. Eat a healthy and balanced diet. Excess cold and excess heat all create problems. Healthy emotions are key to a healthy body. Manage negative emotions, cultivate positive emotions, and nurture good relationships. A big thanks again to Dr. Kun Liu and all the doctors at the Shen Nong Hospital, and I hope readers will find some of this advice useful!

Recently, a good friend told me she's thinking about divorce. This is a very big matter, and my purpose with this article is not to discuss the pros and cons of a divorce, but rather how we should support and guide others (and ourselves) when making big decisions, whether that be a divorce, choosing a partner, shifting careers, making a big purchase, moving residence, etc. I've previously written about principles for wise decisions , and this article will apply those principles in an actual matter. Image Source: ChatGPT   1: What Can We Actually Say? The first thing we need to do is consider whether or not we have the ability, credibility, and necessary information to advise on this matter. Or put in another way, based on my ability, credibility, and information, what can I actually advise on? How much can I actually say?   Reflecting on myself, I have some knowledge and experience in building relationships, I've studied relationships and decision making from ancient philosophers, and my friend trusts me. However, I don't have the necessary information to advise on whether or not she should divorce. I've only ever heard her side of the story. I have never talked to her husband, her parents, or his parents (yes, their parents are important people in this decision as they will get affected greatly). Therefore, I can only provide suggestions on how to make the decision, but I cannot push her towards a "yes" or a "no".   There is important worldly wisdom here. If we push them towards a certain decision, what if they listen to us and later regret it? They'll think back to how we pushed them, and resentment may arise. Thus, for someone else's big decisions, it's usually not a good idea to push them towards any decision. Our role is to support in whatever way appropriate, but ultimately, they should be in the driver's seat and be willing to take full responsibility for their decision.   From another perspective, whenever we are mediating a conflict, it's necessary to hear both sides of the story from both people. For example, when we listen to the wife, it sounds like the husband is terrible. Then we listen to the husband, and it sounds like the wife is terrible. We then have to weigh and filter both sides to try to get an accurate understanding of the situation. This also requires a lot of time and trust from all parties, which we may or may not have.   From a third perspective, even if we patiently listen to them explain the situation and their feelings, can they really explain that clearly? Do they themselves truly know themselves deeply? Do they truly know why they want to make this decision? Are they clear on all the factors involved in this decision?   It's one situation if they already have a decision in mind, explain their thought process to us, and ask us to check if there are any problems. It's a different situation if they just ask a big open question, "Should I divorce?". When they ask that big open question, we know that they themselves probably have not done the internal reflection and information gathering necessary to make that decision, and that process takes time, so we certainly shouldn't be advocating for a "yes" or "no" at this stage.   Based on all of this, I told my friend, "This is a very big and complex decision that will require a lot of introspection on your part to make properly. So today, I'm just going to share my thoughts on how you can make this decision effectively. Of course, my thoughts shouldn't be just my thoughts, they should be based on the ancient teachings that we often discuss. Otherwise, please correct me."   On a related note, if we are the person seeking advice, it's often better to ask "How should I think about making this decision?" as opposed to asking "Should I make this decision?". This is also worldly wisdom. If we ask someone for advice on a situation, and they passionately advise us towards doing it, but later we decided to not follow their advice, then they might feel hurt or feel that we don't trust them. Of course, it's also very important that we ask someone who is wise, trustworthy, and an expert on the subject matter; Otherwise, we are simply asking for trouble.   2: Meditate On Your Intentions Image Source: ChatGPT The first piece of advice I gave was this: "The word 'divorce' has a negative connotation to it. I know you probably worry that it's bad to get a divorce. I know you value compassion. But remember that whether an action is good or bad, and whether the karma we receive in the future is good or bad, depends not on the action, but rather on the intention.   We often talk about that story from Liao Fan's Four Lessons , where some people asked a wise monk about the standard for good and bad. Some people said, 'Loving and respecting others is good,' and the monk said 'Not necessarily." Some people said 'Hitting and scolding others is bad.' The monk said 'Not necessarily.' It depends on the intention. If we are nice to others because we want to benefit from the relationship, then that's selfishness, and that's morally bad. If we hit and scold others because they have a big fault and stubborn personality, and they need strict punishment to correct themselves, then that is having their best interest at heart, and that is goodness. It's the same with this decision about divorce.   Next, when it comes to having others' best intentions in mind, we also need to consider the bigger group and the long-term. Liao Fan's Four Lessons  says, 'Don't think about just the present action, but also about unintended side effects. Don't think about just the immediate effects, but also about the long-term effects. Don't think just about one person, but about the whole world."   You and him are the drivers for this decision. However, your parents are also important stakeholders who will get affected. Parents always want the best for their children. In the role of a child, it's important to ease our parents' worries. Otherwise, we'll create conflict with our parents, and that will haunt our conscience. That means we need to patiently communicate with our parents about this decision and not rush to make the decision if our parents aren't ready to accept our decision yet. Once we get our parents' support, we will have a strong moral force supporting us, giving us confidence and ease of mind.   Thirdly, intentions are often a mix of good and bad, so Liao Fan's Four Lessons  also emphasizes pure intentions. It tells us to ' clean our hearts from the small hidden corners '. We might think we are doing something for the good of others, but deep down, do we still have selfishness mixed in? Is there still a bit of us that is doing this because we really want to gain some sort of benefit for ourselves? Or to avoid trouble and inconvenience for ourselves? If there are still shadows of selfishness in our hearts, then we won't have an easy conscience, and we won't be able to confidently stand by our decision when others challenge us.   A great role model is Kazuo Inamori, who is considered a business sage in Japan. He had great business success in his career and advocated the teachings of Liao Fan's Four Lessons . He also practiced them of course. When he entered the telecom industry, he meditated on his intentions. He didn't do it because he wanted to earn more profits. It's because at the time, there was only one telecom provider, so they could charge unreasonably high prices. Telecom is a necessary service for all the people, and he wanted to help reduce their burden. That's why he entered the telecom business and was very successful. But he didn't make that decision until he was sure that his intention was pure.   Age 65, he decided to retire and become a monk, seeking a spiritual path. But when he was 77, the Japanese government asked him to come back to the ordinary world and save the national airline, Japan Airlines. Again, he meditated for months on his intentions. Was there any desire for self-gain? To avoid hassles and trouble? He washed away those selfish intentions.   He focused on what's best for all the people. Air travel is a necessary service to the nation. If Japan Airlines goes bankrupt, it would create great trouble for the country, and it would cause the people to lose confidence in their nation. He has the background and expertise to help, so he cannot turn a blind eye and still have an easy conscience. Thus, he left the temple and accepted the role as President of Japan Airlines when it already filed for bankruptcy protection. Within two years, he turned the company around, and it was re-listed onto the Tokyo Stock Exchange.   Ultimately, what happens in the future depends on our intentions. The more pure and good our intention, the better the future we will attract and manifest. That's why Inamori spent so long meditating on and purifying his intentions. Whether or not you divorce is not the big matter. The big matter is the strength and purity of your intention."   My friend asked how she should meditate on her intention. I replied: "I'm not an expert on this either, but in my experience, it's about cultivating a mind of tranquility and stillness. The mind is more rational and makes better decisions when it is calm and tranquil, so we want to make sure we are in a state of calm and tranquility before thinking about a decision.   To give an analogy, the mind is like a mirror. Emotions like desire, worry, fear, annoyance, etc. are like dust. When the mirror is covered with dust, it cannot reflect the situation clearly. If we cannot see the situation clearly, then how can we make a good decision? Calming the mind is like cleaning off that dust. Once the mind is tranquil, we can see the situation clearly, and then the answer becomes obvious.    Image Source: Unsplash In terms of how to calm the mind and attain a state of tranquility, each person can find what works for them. Some people like to sit down, close their eyes, and meditate. Others like to walk in nature, or run, or knit. Personally, I do Buddha-name chanting where I chant 'Amitabha' like a mantra. If I need to make a big decision, I might try to do some 2-hour meditation sessions or however long I need to attain a state of tranquility.   At the beginning, it feels like my mind is a wild horse. It keeps running in different directions with all these wandering thoughts. But if I persist, eventually, the mind calms down and becomes quiet, and I feel like my mind is super clear. In this state, it's easier to have realizations. You don't have to intentionally think about or analyze the answer. When we attain an elevated state of mind, the answer seems to naturally come to us.   Another method is loving-kindness meditation. A pure mind (free from selfishness) is naturally compassionate. Kindness is innate in all of us. When we make a decision from a purely kind heart, it is true goodness. There are lots of guided loving-kindness meditations on the internet, but basically, you can close your eyes and visualize someone that you love dearly. Maybe it's your mom, or your dog, someone who you want nothing but the best for. Then imagine that loving energy all around you, filling every cell in your body. When you feel the love and warmth of that energy, think about that decision. What's the natural answer that comes to mind?   When an answer comes to me, I try to be cautious. I don't want to suddenly get too excited. I will check with other wise people and ask them to look for holes in my thinking. I might do some more meditation sessions as well. If after all of that, I'm still confident about my decision, then I will make it."   3: Affected Parties My friend asked, "So from the perspective of filial piety, should I just listen to my parents here?"   I replied: "You and him are the drivers of the decision. The responsibility for the decision lies with you two. However, we also have to consider affected parties and give them appropriate involvement and participation in the decision. Both your parents are affected, so it's important to consult them."   My friend said that she talked about this with her parents before, and they want her to stay in the marriage, but her parents don't know everything. At the same time, she also doesn't want to say too much because she doesn't want them to worry unnecessarily.   I replied: "It's great that you don't want your parents to worry unnecessarily. But we have to judge each situation to determine what's better. If it were a smaller decision, then maybe it's fine to not tell them all the details. But since this is a very big decision, you should try to patiently and sincerely communicate with your parents. After all, your parents want the best for you, but they don't have the credentials to advise you if they don't even understand the situation fully. If you listen to them just because 'a good child is supposed to listen to parents', but you didn't communicate with them sincerely, then that isn't truly being a good child, and you might create trouble and resentment in the future.   Of course, before you communicate with them, it's important that you meditate on your intentions first so that you can bring a calm energy to the conversation. Energy is contagious. If you're all anxious and worried about it, they'll catch that energy and become worried as well. But if you are calm and confident about it, then they'll catch that energy too."   4: Weighing Factors, Other Options, and Risk Mitigation One more point is that we can list all the decision-making factors on a piece of paper and give them weights. Image Source: Unsplash For example, you might have factors like My goals His goals My willingness to change His willingness to change His trustworthiness My parents' opinions His parents' opinions Practical factors   When you meditate on your intentions and cultivate a mind of tranquility and compassion, you might have some realizations about what factors to consider in the decision and what weight to give each factor. Maybe it's just one or two factors that matter the most. Maybe it's a mixture of multiple factors. Having this written down helps to give us a clear and well-rounded picture of the decision.   It's also important to consider the flexibility of each factor. For example, if your parents' opinion right now is for you to stay in the marriage, but you haven't communicated sincerely with them yet, then you should try and change that first. Or if his goals don't align with yours, but you haven't tried to align them yet, you can try that first.   We should also consider the pros and cons of each decision and think about how big they are and if the risks can be mitigated. For example, if you choose to divorce, then there's the risk of creating resentment. How big of a deal is it? If big, how can you mitigate it? Well, if we meditate on our intentions beforehand, it'll increase the chances that they know we have their best intentions at heart.   Or if you choose to stay in the marriage, there's the risk that he continues to do the things that made you want to divorce before. Maybe you can mitigate that by having couple counseling or therapy. We shouldn't think of decisions as just yes or no; oftentimes, there are other options if we shift from a win-lose mindset to a win-win mindset.   Conclusion We will probably all encounter situations in life where someone asks us for advice on a big decision. When this happens, it's important for us to have wisdom, to weigh our abilities, to know what's appropriate to say, and to prevent unintended harm. I don't have perfect wisdom, so what I share is just for consideration. Oftentimes, it's better to advise on how to think about the decision as opposed to pushing for a certain decision. As for the decision making process, it's important to purify our intentions, involve the affected parties, weigh the relevant factors, consider unexplored options, and mitigate the risks wherever possible. Weekly Wisdom #369

I recently watched The Boy and the Heron by Hayao Miyazaki, which is the fifth-grossing Japanese film of all time and won the Golden Globe Award for Best Animated Feature Film. But aside from the beautiful animation and rich story, the film gave me a lot of food for thought and life lessons, which is what I want to share in this article.   Image Source Warning: There will be spoilers, but I will not explain the plot of the story ( Wikipedia already did that). It's certainly helpful to watch the movie before reading this article, but it's not necessary as I will explain any required context. Also, any movie lines I quote are from my memory since I watched this in theatre, so the wording may not be exactly right, but the message should be the same.   1: A peaceful world starts with my peaceful heart. Near the end of the movie, the main character, Mahito Maki, had the choice to inherit and continue the magical world created by his granduncle. The foundation of this world is a tower of small stones created by the granduncle. But his tower was about to collapse soon, and only someone of his bloodline could inherit this world by creating a new tower with new stones. Hence, the uncle collected some stones and asked Mahito to build a new tower.   Mahito looked at the stones and sensed that there was malice in these stones, so he refused. Indeed, before meeting his granduncle, who lived at the top or "heaven" layer of this magical world, he experienced the lower levels of this world (one of the living beings there called it "hell"), where he witnessed a lot of suffering. I think it's very understandable that he didn't want to be responsible for a world that causes suffering to so many living beings.   Later, even closer to the end of the movie, Mahito meets his granduncle once more. This time, his tower is really about to collapse, meaning the whole magical world was about to collapse. The granduncle said, "I found some pure stones without any malice in them. Please, build your tower and continue this world."   This time, Mahito said, " I can't. The stones may not have malice, but I still have malice inside me. " While saying this, he pointed to a scar at the side of his head.   For context, Mahito is a young boy living in a time of war, and he lost his mother in a factory fire. When he heard the news, he immediately ran to the factory to try to save his mother, but he was unsuccessful, and this traumatized him.   His father then remarried his mother's younger sister (because the sister would more likely care for Mahito than an outsider, and also to keep the family wealth in the same family) and moved to the countryside (because it's safer there during the war and because they have a big residence there). Mahito then had to deal with trying to accept his new stepmother, which is really hard since he really misses his original mother.   He then goes to school, but he is different from everyone because he comes from the city, and his family is much richer than the village kids. His classmates are prejudiced towards him and bully him, and he ends up fighting with them. On his way home, he picks up a stone and hits the side of his head with it, creating a big wound. As a result, his father thinks that the students attacked him and tells him to rest at home instead of going to school. From all of this, we can see that Mahito is a young kid who went through a lot of suffering, and in his pain, he also did violent things such as fighting with other kids and injuring himself. He sees the evil inside of him, and he understands that his heart will taint the stones, so that even if the stones are pure, once he uses them, they will become impure, and the world he creates will still have suffering. One aspect of Miyazaki films is the purity of young children. In this sense, Mahito doesn't want to cause suffering to others, so he refuses to inherit and continue his uncle's magical world.   This reminds me of a Buddhist teaching: "A peaceful world starts with my peaceful heart." So often, people try to achieve peace through methods, whether it be politics, economics, technology, military, etc. But whether or not these methods have a positive or negative effect depends on the intention (or "heart") behind them.   To give a simple example, the western world heavily emphasizes communication. Communication is a method, not an attitude or intention. If we communicate with the intention to defeat others in an argument, then our bad intentions will taint our communication skills, and our strong communication skills would just create more conflict.  If we have good intentions but lack communication skills, then at least the results won't be harmful, but the effect might still be lacking. Thus, we need both good intentions and good methods to achieve good results. However, having good intentions is the most fundamental and should come first. 2: Love and morality starts with those closest to us When the granduncle heard Mahito's refusal, he said, " Why would you want to go back to Earth? That world will burn in flames soon! " Clearly, the granduncle is also aware of the war situation on Earth, and he probably also experienced a lot of suffering during his time on Earth, which is why he wanted to create his own, better world. Unfortunately, the stones that helped him create his world are evil. He lives in a heavenly area, but the living beings below suffer. Perhaps that's also why he wanted a new successor who could better the world he created.   Mahito replied, " Yes, but there is goodness there too. I've learned how to make friends. And I can learn to love others. I need to go back. "   More context: There is a magical heron or manbird that led Mahito into this world to find his stepmother and bring her back to Earth. Originally, he didn't trust this heron, but throughout their journey in the magical world, they gradually became friends. He also met the younger versions of his mother and a servant maid in his house, and they all helped him along his journey. Thus, his heart gained more love and gratitude, and he naturally didn't want to abandon his family on Earth, which is where he belongs.   This reminds me of a Confucian teaching from The Classic of Filial Piety : "To love others yet not love one's parents violates morality."   If he says that he has a loving heart because he wants to create a world without suffering, but in doing so, he abandons his family on Earth without saying a word, causing his dad and stepmother to grieve over the loss of their child, wouldn't that be rather contradictory? How can you truly have a loving and noble heart when you cause suffering to the people closest to you, to the people who love you the most, to the people you received the most kindness from? I think if Mahito really made the choice to inherit the magical world, thus never being able to leave and see his family again, he would probably have an uneasy conscience and regret his choice.   Similarly, I used to put work and friends above family, and as a result, family conflict was always a nagging burden at the back of my mind, leading to an uneasy conscience. Once I learned Confucianism, I prioritized family first, and my conscience became at ease. 3: Attitude towards problems Both Mahito and his granduncle agree that Earth is a terrible place with a lot of suffering. His granduncle chose to abandon Earth and try to create a better world. Mahito, on the other hand, chose to accept Earth the way it is, let go of blame and resentment, and focus on the possibility for goodness and improvement in the world, starting with his own kind heart. Just like how the kindness of others changed him, if he can spread this kindness, he can definitely make his world better.   The original Japanese title of this film translates roughly to " What kind of life do you want to live? " or " How do you wish to live your life? ". Mahito's choice to return to Earth really made me think. Suffering is a fact of life. The world is full of problems. So how will you choose to deal with this fact? I think Miyazaki really wanted the audience to ponder this question.   This made me think of a quote from Captain Jack Sparrow: "The problem isn't the problem. The problem is your attitude towards the problem."   When we see problems in the world, in our organization, in our group, in our family, do we simply blame others and stop there? Or do we take initiative and responsibility to improve the situation for everyone's benefit? The latter is what Mahito chose. 4: The importance of life education A big question I had after watching the movie was, " Why was Mahito able to change from a miserable young boy, who felt helpless and upset at the world, to a noble young man who could take initiative and responsibility to live in and improve a world of suffering? "   The answer lies in a scene near the beginning of the movie. When Mahito and his father moved to the countryside residence, his stepmother was already pregnant. The servant maids told him many times to go see his stepmother, but he refused because he still didn't accept her as his new mother. After being told many times, he finally went, but even in that encounter, he still refused to embrace her.   Later, he saw his stepmother walking into a nearby forest, which should seem very strange because his stepmother was really weak and sick from being pregnant, so why would she walk into a forest? The scene looked like she was possessed. Despite seeing this, Mahito didn't care. He just continued on with his day. He went to his room and accidentally found a book left to him by his late mother.   The name of this book is also the name of the movie in Japanese: " What kind of life do you want to live? " Image Source This is actually a real book, and the director Miyazaki said this book had a big impact on his life when he was a young boy. The movie didn't explain the content of the book, it just showed that Mahito read the book all day and had tears in his eyes afterwards.   By evening, he had finished the book, and the housemaids were all concerned that they couldn't find the stepmother, so they were all outside searching for her and shouting her name. When Mahito heard the maids outside searching for his stepmother, he stood up, ran out the room, and told everyone that he is also going to look for his stepmother.   In other words, this book really changed his attitude towards life, which then changed his destiny. If he hadn't read this book, then perhaps he would have turned out like his granduncle, or worse.   This really makes me think about the importance of life education. Nowadays, our education system teaches us knowledge and skills, like language, math, science, history, geography, etc. But we don’t receive formal education on how to live a good life, on how to have good relationships, on how to make wise decisions.   Some people are fortunate to have wise parents or mentors to help on this front. But we can't rely on others to save us. We have to take responsibility for our life and do this learning in our own time, which is why I spend my free time learning ancient philosophies such as Stoicism, Confucianism, Daoism, and Buddhism. What I learned in school helped me get a job and make a living, but what I learned from ancient philosophy enabled me to upgrade my thinking  and to gain wisdom, happiness, and peace of mind. 5: Sincere kindness transforms people The English title of this movie is The Boy and the Heron , and that's because aside from Mahito, the other leading character of this movie is a man-bird magical heron. It is this heron that lures Mahito into the magical world and accompanies him on his journey.   At the beginning of the movie, Mahito was very suspicious towards the heron and even made a bow and arrow to shoot the heron. He was able to shoot an arrow into the heron's beak, which reverted the heron into a man-bird form, thereby preventing him from flying. Since he couldn't fly away, he had no choice but to accompany Mahito.   Later, they encountered an area guarded by man-eating parakeets. The heron told him that if he wants to pass this area, he needs the heron to create a distraction to lure away the parakeets. In order for that to happen, Mahito needs to fill the hole in his beak, which will allow him to fly again.   Mahito said, "If I fill in the hole in your beak, how do I know you won't just fly away and abandon me?"   The heron said, " You can't know. It's your choice. "   Mahito then took a tree branch and started carving a small cylinder to fill in the hole. He then put it in the heron's beak. The heron reverted to its bird form and excitedly said, " Haha! I can fly again. I'm outta here! So long! "   As the heron started flapping his swings, he reverted back to his bird-man form. It turns out the cylinder was a bit too big and didn't fully fit in the hole. The movie then shows Mahito carving the cylinder a bit more, with the man-bird looking ashamed and embarrassed.   Mahito then puts the cylinder into the beak again, this time fitting properly. The heron said, " Why did you continue to help me even after I betrayed you? " Mahito didn't reply.   This scene also made me think a lot. The first time Mahito helped the heron makes logical sense. If he refuses to help the heron, he has no chance of advancing on his journey, so he has nothing to lose by helping the heron. But after he learned that the heron intended to abandon him, why would he continue to help the heron? Mahito didn't say, so it's up to us to speculate.   Perhaps Miyazaki wanted to show the innate goodness of children and encourage people to return to the innate goodness that all of us had when we were children. In this case, I think Mahito didn't really need a logical reason to continue helping the heron. He did it purely out of kindness. He had no demands or expectations in return. If he can't advance in his journey, then at least by helping the heron, the heron wouldn't be stuck with him.   It is this kind of selfless, sincere kindness that moves and changes people. That's what makes people ashamed of themselves and become motivated to improve their moral character, which was what happened to the heron. Later on in the movie, Mahito gets caught by the parakeets, and the heron actually infiltrates their layer to save Mahito. When Mahito told his granduncle that he made friends such as the heron, the heron was surprised to hear Mahito calling him a friend. At the end of the movie, the heron even said to Mahito, " Goodbye, friend. "   Thus, if we have a negative relationship with someone, it doesn't have to stay that way. We can change the relationship through sincere kindness. When we continue to show kindness to others in spite of their unkindness, and without expecting anything in return, eventually, their sense of shame will arise, and they will change for the better. That can change a terrible relationship to an extremely great one, as was the case with Mahito and the heron. 6: Despicable people have lamentable circumstances In the lower levels of the granduncle's magical world, Mahito encounters a person named Kiriko, who takes care of cute little bubble-like spirits called Warawara. When these Warawara mature enough, they will float up into the sky and seek birth on Earth.   One night, Mahito sees many Warawara floating up into the sky. Kiriko comes out and says with tears in her eyes that the Warawara have finally grown up, and that this event happens very rarely. It's kind of like a parent crying out of happiness when seeing their child all grown up and leaving the house. Suddenly, a swarm of pelicans come and start eating the defenseless Warawara. Kiriko is angered at the despicable behavior of the pelicans, but there's nothing she or Mahito can do. Then another person in a small boat on the lake below starts shooting fireballs into the air, thereby burning the pelicans and Warawara. The pelicans then flee, and the remaining Warawara are able to complete their journey to Earth.   Later that night, Mahito hears a sound outside the house. He goes out and finds a heavily burnt and wounded pelican. The pelican says, " I'm in so much pain. Please, just kill me and end my suffering. "   Mahito replied, " It's your fault for preying on the Warawara. "   The pelican said, " We were brought here, but there's nothing for us to eat. There's no fish in the water for us to catch, so our tribe flies higher and higher in hopes of escaping this world, but we can't. When we see the Warawara, we can finally eat something, but then we get burned by fireballs. Our choices are either starve to death or get burned to death. It's truly hell. "   After saying this, the pelican died. Mahito felt sorrow for the pelican and decided to bury it.   This scene reminded me of something my mentor often says: "If one can be a good person, who would want to be a bad person? If one can be liked by others, who would want to be disliked by others?"   In other words, everyone is just doing their best to do what they think is right. No one is trying to be wrong or illogical or disliked on purpose. Thus, when we judge others to be wrong, illogical, or despicable, we are using our own standards to judge our limited understanding of them. If we truly understand others, we would be much more compassionate towards them. It's a good reminder for us to try to be more compassionate and understanding towards others, especially the people that we find annoying or difficult to understand. Conclusion I really enjoyed watching The Boy and Heron , not just because of the beautiful animations and rich story, but also because of the many deep life lessons embedded throughout. These are just my reflections and thoughts, and I'm sure there are many things I missed. If you have any other life lessons you took away from the film, I'd love to hear about them. Weekly Wisdom #287

"The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your decisions." —Ray Dalio, Billionaire investor and author of Principles We all work hard every day to create a better life for ourselves. But if we make poor decisions, then no matter how hard we work, our life will be miserable. Thus, we all need to learn how to make excellent decisions. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 What is the key to making good decisions? Wisdom. Wisdom to our happiness is like eyes to our body. If we lack wisdom, we may be working extremely hard but going in the wrong direction, and we wouldn't even know it. After a while, we're exhausted, on the wrong road, and didn't achieve what we hoped. Isn't that just terribly unfortunate and tragic? Thus, wisdom is something we cannot neglect and must proactively learn. Ray Dalio gave many wise principles for making great decisions in his book, Principles , but he also encouraged readers to find principles of our own. It's been a few years since I read his book, and I have indeed found more wise principles for making great decisions. In case you are curious, the principles that Ray Dalio gave in his book are Overcome your ego and blind spots Seek out credible and open-minded people to discuss with Remember the 80/20 Rule Navigate levels of a decision Make decisions as expected-value calculations Use principles to systematize decisions I won't elaborate on them in this article because I've already done so in my book summary article . In this article, I want to share six more principles for making wise decisions. Focus on the side effects not just the intended effect, on the long-term not just the short-term, on the bigger group not just one person It's never just option A or option B. You can find options C, D, E. Don't think there's just one factor to the problem. Consider all the factors and their relationships. There is rarely ever a perfect decision When making decisions with others, factor in their feelings Make decisions from a calm and pure mind These are by no means an exhaustive list, but knowing them could help you avoid a lot of unnecessary suffering due to bad decisions. 1: Focus on the side effects, long-term, and bigger group This comes from the book Liao Fan's Four Lessons , which said: "Do not just consider the present action, but also consider its side effects. Do not just consider immediate effects, but also consider the long-term effects. Do not just consider the effects on one person, but also consider the effects on the greater whole." Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 Often, when people make decisions, they only focus on their desired outcome, and they forget about side effects (long-term effects and broader effects on others are both examples of side effects). This leads to narrow thinking that prevents us from seeing the bigger picture, resulting in poor decision making. For example, a friend of mine started working at a summer camp, and at the beginning, she told me she was really tired and overworked, and that the food there was too spicy for her, which upset her stomach and gave her stomachaches. Eventually she started feeling sick. I told her, " You should communicate these problems early with the school so that they can make adjustments accordingly. If they have enough people there, you don't have to force yourself to stay there the whole summer, right? " She replied, "But I don't want to be a bother to them. Plus, I promised that I would work here for the summer." In her mind, she thinks she is being considerate by not making requests to accommodate her individual needs, and that she is being trustworthy by trying to stay there the whole summer. But her kind intentions lack wisdom. First, thinking long-term : she might be able to get by in the short-term, but if this accumulates and she gets really sick, the school would end up having to take care of her in addition to the kids, which is giving them more burden. Or she might have to leave the school to go to the hospital or return home. Then it would be hard for the school to find a replacement teacher on such a short notice. The school would get upset at her for not telling them about her problems early on so that they could solve it earlier. Second, thinking for the broader group : if she gets sick, she might make others sick too. Or if she is exhausted, she might do her work sloppily, which then adds burden to other people and annoys them. After all, the school probably interprets the promise as having a healthy productive employee working there the whole summer, not a sick and tired person. Also, if the food is too spicy for her, it's possible that other people feel the same way, and if she spoke up about it, others might benefit too. Third, thinking about unintended side effects : if word gets out that she is very overworked and even got sick from working at that school, then people might criticize this school for not taking care of its staff, and people would not want to send their kids to this school in the future. Even worse is if the school gets blamed for abusing their employees when in fact she was the one hiding her symptoms. Then the school would be very angry at her. From this example, we see how sometimes, we think we are doing good because we have a good intention, but our good intentions are too narrow-minded and short-sighted, resulting in long-term harm and negative side effects. Unfortunately, it's quite common to see people chase short-term gains at the cost of long-term sustainability, or do things without considering the impact on others or the potential side effects. Thus, they bring suffering upon themselves and others in the future. A wise person would think about the long-term, the broader group, and the unintended side effects. 2: It's never just option A or option B. You can find options C, D, E. Oftentimes, we think there are only two options. But we can use our creativity to think of other options. The key is to focus on the goal rather than on the method. It's just like traveling through a city; there are always multiple paths we can take to get from one place to another. As long as we focus on the destination and be attached to a certain route, we can always find other routes. Image Source For example, I've recently been helping a couple English teachers with their classes. One piece of feedback they gave me was, " You give us lots of great ideas, but these all take time to lesson plan. We are so busy just trying to get the lesson done week to week, we don't have enough time to plan such an ideal lesson according to your standards. " It just so happened that one of the teachers had to take a break from teaching for a month, and the school asked me to cover her class. I said since I am covering her class anyway, I could take the other teacher's class too and just merge them into one class. That would give the other teacher a month off to lesson plan. After teaching the merged class a few times, I told them, " It's definitely feasible to teach all the students in one class. The level difference is not that big of a problem. If you two merge the classes into one, then you could take turns teaching the class one semester at a time. This way, while one person is teaching, the other teacher can plan all the lessons for the next semester. This would free up a LOT of time for both of you. " My suggestion ended up becoming a big discussion topic, and we spent hours talking about the pros, cons, and feasibility of it. Essentially, they were worried about the extra time it would take to grade homework for the merged class, as well as the difficulty of teaching students of mixed levels. We spent so many hours debating about whether to merge the classes or to keep them split, but later, I thought about the original goal, which is to give them more time to lesson plan, so I thought of another option. I told them, " Since our goal is to give you guys more time to lesson plan, then another option is for you guys to keep teaching your separate classes, but you both do semesters. Right now you both teach non-stop for most of the year, so you never have a break to really calm down, reflect on how you're doing, and plan for the future. If you taught for a few months, then took a two-week break, that would help you a lot. This option has a lot of benefits with nearly no downsides. " We also discussed many mitigation methods, such as having stronger students tutor weaker students outside of class time to mitigate the level difference problem, and not giving individual homework feedback to every student to mitigate the workload problem. When we are focused on the goal and not the method, we can always think of extra options. 3: Consider all the factors to a goal and their relationships Sometimes, when we are making a decision, we only see one factor, and we forget the possibility that other factors could be involved, or that one decision impacts multiple factors at once. To continue the example above, the two teachers were concerned that merging the classes would increase the homework grading required, which would reduce their free time to complete other responsibilities. If you look at the decision's impact on just this one factor (homework grading), then yes, this is true. But we have to remember that there are other factors, and we have to look at the overall effect taking into account all factors. I replied, " Yes it is true that you will have more students, which means more homework to grade. But you shouldn't forget that by having a merged class, you have a whole semester off to plan your lessons. That means when you do teach, you will spend a lot less time on lesson planning. You have to factor that in. So the main question is: Is the time you free up in lesson planning more than the extra time needed to grade homework for more students? This would be something you might have to experiment with to find out." As we discussed more, we realized that our ultimate goal is not just to save teachers time, it's to increase teaching quality. In that case, spending extra time grading students' homework actually increases teaching quality, which means we should do it. Plus, there are many other factors we should discuss about, such as having a teacher development plan, making tailored learning plans for students, and providing extra help outside of class time. We shouldn't be tunnel-visioned on one factor and forget about the other factors. 4: There is rarely ever a perfect decision Every option has their pros and cons, and every reward has its costs. We have to consider and weigh all the different factors and all their pros and cons and make the best tradeoff. We should also consider which cons can be mitigated and how easily they can be mitigated.   Sometimes, we sink into analysis paralysis, where we just keep analyzing options excessively. One reason is because we are looking for an obvious best choice. But oftentimes, there is no obvious best choice, let alone a perfect choice. If the analysis starts to go in circles, then it might be better to just make a decision. If you feel like none of the options are good, then one way to reframe the idea of " I want to make the best decision " is to think of it as " I want to make the least worst decision. " And remember: not making a decision is also a decision, and inaction has its pros and cons as well. Moreover, we can always try a decision for a short time, gather new information, and then re-evaluate. It's just like if you are not sure a certain vegetable would taste good or not, you can buy a little bit to try first. If it turns out to be good, then buy more later. In the case of the English teachers, one of the teachers decided to try teaching the big class for a few weeks to see how it goes. If she finds it manageable, then the other teacher could try it too. If not, then we can discuss why, and if it really isn't suitable, we can just return to two classes as before. 5: When making decisions with others, factor in their feelings As a very logic-driven person, I sometimes neglect others' feelings. But I ought to remember that the success of a decision is not just on how logical the decision is, but largely on the people who carry out the decision. Even if a decision is logically the best, if the people who have to carry it out don't support it, then they won't try their best. When they don't try their best, the decision will not be carried out fully, and when problems arise, the person will say, "See, I knew it. This decision was not a good idea." It became a self-fulfilling prophecy. If a decision wasn't logically the best, but the people really believed in it, then the people would work really hard to make it succeed and overcome all challenges. In other words: A logically good enough option with strong support from the people is better than the best logical option with weak support from the people. Hence, with those two teachers, I said, "Whether we merge the classes or not, it's most important that you guys feel happy with the decision. After all, you are the ones that have to carry out the decision. If you are unhappy, it will definitely reflect in your teaching quality." Ultimately, when making decisions with others, it's very important to get other people's buy-in as much as possible. Obviously, in a large group, it might be impossible to get everyone's buy-in or to reach a consensus, but we should still do our best to show that we've listened to every perspective and thought about them thoroughly before making the decision. This helps everyone feel heard and respected, which would improve their acceptance of the final decision. 6: Make decisions from a calm and pure mind. This final principle is the most important one. If we want to use any of the principles mentioned above, we need to first have a calm and pure mind, free from negative emotions and biases . Think about it: people who make bad decisions usually do so from an agitated or muddled state of mind. Thus, before we make a decision, we should first ask: "How is my state of mind right now? Is it calm, considerate, and peaceful? Or is it agitated, impatient, unhappy?" The wise sages of the past taught that we all have innate wisdom, which arises from a calm and pure mind. In other words, even if we never learned the principles for decision-making mentioned earlier, if our mind was calm and pure enough, we would naturally make wise decisions that are in accordance with the aforementioned principles. What blocks our innate wisdom? There's a Chinese idiom that says, "Desire makes wisdom muddled. Self-interest makes wisdom dizzy." (Original Text: 欲令智迷，利令智昏) In other words, it is selfish desire. Think about it, why do people make stupid decisions? Because their desire to get a certain benefit is too strong, such that they can't think about long-term effects, broader effects, other options, or other people's feelings. The stronger the selfish desire, the more tainted the mind becomes, and the deeper our wisdom gets buried. If we instead dim our self-interest and think for the greater long-term good, then we naturally end up benefiting ourselves and others. For example, when my friend said she didn't want to tell the school that she wasn't feeling well because she didn't want to cause trouble, was that coming from a calm and pure mind without any selfish desire? I would guess that there was ego involved, and the ego desires others to think good of them and is afraid of others thinking badly of them. If so, then her mind wasn't calm and pure, so the decision probably wouldn't be wise. Another example: when I recommended the option to merge the classes, was that purely to benefit them, or was there any selfish desire or ego involved? I would say it is purely to help them. I don't benefit at all from the decision because I won't even be there in the future. Later, when they resisted, was there ego involved when I argued for its benefits? Perhaps I didn't want to be viewed as dumb for recommending a bad decision. When I considered this possibility, I immediately reminded myself to filter through the decision making principles to ensure that this was a wise decision and not one tainted by selfish desire. All humans have a strong ego, so we have to be very cautious and not deceive ourselves when inspecting our mind and intentions. Using our logical mind to think about side effects, other options, other people's feelings, and other decision-making principles can help us to tame our selfish desires. But doing other activities to calm and purify our minds can help too, such as meditation, going for a calming walk, even taking a shower. It's not a coincidence that people get eureka moments in the shower…it's because their mind was really calm and pure in that moment, so a spark of wisdom came out. There's an old Zen saying that goes, "You should meditate for 20 minutes a day. Unless you're too busy, then you should meditate for an hour." When I first heard this, I didn't understand. If I'm too busy to meditate for 20 minutes, why are you telling me to meditate for an hour? That would just make me even more stressed and more short on time. Later, I started to understand. If our mind is so agitated from being so busy all the time, then our effectiveness in everything that we do would be low, and that would result in a negative spiral. It's like trying to cut a tree with a dull ax; it's tiring and slow. Sharpening the ax is analogous to purifying the mind. If we spent some time to meditate or do any activity that really helps to calm the mind down, then we would approach everything with more wisdom. One wise decision would save endless headaches from a stupid decision. Thus, if we can cultivate a calm and pure mind every day, and we can maintain this state of mind longer and longer, then we will see all things with more wisdom, and our quality of life will surely become better and better. Conclusion There are only a few things that can drastically improve the quality of our lives, and one of them is wisdom, which helps us to make excellent decisions. (In case you're wondering what are some of those other things that drastically improve our lives, the ones that come to my mind are relationships , virtues , and health , which is why I spend a lot of time learning about these.) This article discussed six principles for making wise decisions. If you try them or have other wise decision making principles, I'd love to know. Thanks, and cheers to a wise life ahead! Weekly Wisdom #250

Do you ever feel like it’s so difficult to advise others to change? That we give such heartfelt suggestions, but they seem to be deaf, or they always have a counter-argument to everything we say?   If this situation continues, eventually we just want to save our breath and give up on giving suggestions. But the problem is, these people are our family, friends, colleagues, or leaders. We still have to interact with them frequently, so if we don’t urge them to change, we’ll continue to have conflict and troubles with them.   From another perspective, what is one of the best gifts that we can give others? What is one of the best ways to help others? Wouldn’t that be telling them how to fix a problem that they have in a way that they would be persuaded, which then changes their life for the better? Thus, we see how valuable it is to be able to advise others effectively. But the big question is: How?   Image Source: ChaptGPT In this article, I will share some communication principles that I’ve learned over the years: Correct our own attitude and intentions. Be aware of and maintain our state of mind. Build trust. Don’t make people look bad in front of others. Set the stage. Pick a good setting and time. Be conservative. Be a problem-solver, not a problem-talker. Be present. Be patient.   I believe that everyone has good intentions and is trying to do what they think is right. No one tries to create conflict or misery on purpose, and conflict arises because people have not learned communication principles. Or even if they have learned, they haven’t really practiced these principles and become proficient at practicing them…yet.   Personally, I still have conflicts with people in daily life, and I’m still working on practicing these principles, but I have found that when I can follow these principles, communication becomes a lot smoother, and the feeling of understanding and warmth we get from good communication is so rewarding. I hope that sharing these principles will be helpful to others.   1: Correct our own thoughts. There’s a Chinese proverb that goes, “When you don’t get what you want, reflect on yourself.”   Icon Source If we advise others, and they don’t respond in the way we hope, we shouldn’t think, “They’re just stubborn. They’re just arrogant. They’ll never understand. It’s no use trying to advise them.”  That’s putting the blame on others, which is not only ineffective, it’s wrong.   Nothing is ever 100% one person’s fault. Sure, their attitude might be a part of the problem, but focusing on their problem isn’t helpful because we cannot control others. Moreover, if someone else advised them, it’s totally possible that they would listen to that other person. In other words, we definitely have a part in the problem, and if we correct our part of the problem, it would naturally change how the other person responds to us. Therefore, when others don’t respond in the way we want, we need to reflect on how we  should change, which would naturally change how they respond  to us.   In terms of how to correct ourselves, the book Liao Fan’s Four Lessons  goes into great detail. The book teaches that we can correct ourselves from three levels: action, speech, and thoughts. The root (or the deepest level) is the level of thoughts. Our speech and actions arise from our thoughts, so the key is to correct our thoughts, which would then influence our feelings and the energy we give off, which then determines other people’s response towards us.   We want to avoid thoughts of Opposition : “You are wrong and I am right; I need to win this argument.” Blame : “It’s your fault. Not mine.” Demands : “You have to listen to me. You have to change. You should apologize.” Stubbornness : “I’m not letting up no matter what.” Complaining : “I don’t like it when you do that. Why did you do that again? How many times do I have to tell you?”   The energy we give is the energy we attract back. When we have the energy of opposition, we attract opposition back. When we have the energy of blame, we attract defensiveness in return. When we demand others to do something, we attract resistance. When we are stubborn, we bring out their stubbornness. When we complain about things, others naturally feel annoyed towards us. The list can go on and on.   Instead, we need to cultivate good, proper, and effective thoughts: Responsibility : “I am responsible for my own feelings and results. If the other person doesn’t respond in the way I want, or if I get upset, I need to change myself, not them. When I change myself, I naturally change the way others respond to me.” Faith in human goodness : “Everyone is trying to do what they think is good, right, or acceptable. If they know something isn’t good but still do it, then they can’t control their bad habits, which was probably developed without their own conscious decision. Since it’s not a result of their conscious decision, they are a victim of misfortune. If I overly criticize them, they might lose faith in themselves and stoop even lower. If I encourage and affirm them, they will try to rise to meet those affirmations.” Understanding :   “When I understand others, I wouldn’t be upset at them anymore. When others feel understood by me, then they’ll have the mental capacity to try to understand me.” Humility :   “I can’t be 100% confident in any of my ideas. Every situation is infinitely complex with so many factors and perspectives, so I should be humble and conservative when communicating my suggestions.” Kindness : “My goal is to help them, not to vent emotions.” The greater good : “I will speak up because I am thinking for the long-term wellness of the bigger group, not just for any one person.”   If we can take the time to organize and clean up our own thoughts and feelings first, then when we communicate, our speech and actions will naturally be good and proper.   (On a related note, these thoughts and attitudes are very important as the receiver of criticism as well. Even if the criticizer is emotional and negative, if we can maintain our calm, humble, and kind energy, the conversation will still go in a good direction.)   2: Be aware of and maintain our state of mind. The first principle requires us to organize and correct our thoughts and intentions before communicating. Once it’s time to communicate, we have to maintain awareness of our state of mind and thoughts throughout the conversation. It’s important to maintain a calm, peaceful, rational, and kind state of mind.   Icon Source Thoughts are habitual, so if we often have negative thoughts of opposition, blame, complaining, defensiveness, etc., then chances are, these thoughts and feelings might pop up during the conversation in response to things the other person said. We don’t have to fear it. We just have to use it as a trigger for us to bring up proper thoughts, like those of responsibility, kindness, and humility. As Liao Fan’s Four Lessons  states: “When proper thoughts arise, improper thoughts naturally lose their power.”   If we happen to get into a heated argument, then it’s helpful to take a break. We can say to the other person,  "Can we talk about this later when we are both calmer?" or "I need to go to the bathroom"  and then do some deep breathing. Most things are not so urgent that we have to talk about them right away, so it’s better to reconvene at a later time when everyone is in a better mood.   3: Build trust Whether or not the other person takes our advice is largely dependent on their level of trust towards us. Two people can give the same suggestion in the same way to the same person, but the result will differ depending on the level of trust between them.   If we advise others and they don’t listen, we should first reflect on whether we’ve done our best to communicate in the best way possible and follow all the other communication principles. If the answer is no, then we can try to improve ourselves. If the answer is yes, then perhaps they just don’t trust us enough yet, in which case we need to spend some time and effort into building trust.   Icon Source How can we build trust? There are many ways, but here are some major ones: Let them feel understood. Let them feel that you have their best intentions at heart. Walk your talk and set a good example. Get the support of other people whom they trust or care about.   First, we have to make them feel that we truly understand them, their situation, and their feelings. That requires us to listen attentively and patiently, ask questions to check our understanding, and then report our understanding and ask them if our understanding is accurate and complete. If we don’t do this, then we don’t have the credentials to advise them, and they wouldn’t trust our advice.   Second, we need to let them feel that we truly have their best intentions at heart. This goes back to principles one and two. If they think we are just complaining or venting, then they would naturally defend themselves and criticize back, so we need to maintain a calm and kind state of mind. We need to check that we understand them and what they want, affirm their good intentions, and then tell them we are on the same team.   Moreover, we should be building the relationship and helping them in regular daily life without any ulterior motives. Every act of kindness and service we do for others is like accumulating trust dollars in that relationship account. In other words, whether or not they listen to us in that conversation depends largely on all the past effort we’ve put into the relationship.   Third, if we are advising others to do something, it’s important that we walk our talk. For example, if we tell others to be more considerate, then we should reflect on ourselves: are we considerate towards others? If yes, then they’ll be more likely to take our advice. If not, then they might respond, “You’re not any better than me, what right do you have to criticize me?”     This doesn’t mean we don’t advise them. It just means we shouldn’t be demanding. We could say, “I have this problem too, but I’m working on it, and I think you would benefit a lot too if you also worked on it. We could support each other.”   Fourth, we can get the support of other people whom they trust or care about, especially if their trust level towards us is not very high (yet). For example, we might tell a family member to eat healthier, but they don’t listen. If we enlist the help of their doctor, they might be more receptive. Or let’s say we want to propose a new idea at the workplace. If it’s just our idea, the leader might not act immediately. But if we get the support of many people and then propose it to the leader, the leader would take it more seriously.   4: Don’t make people look bad in front of others. A rule of etiquette is that we should praise people publicly and criticize privately (with kindness, of course). Icon sources: 1 , 2 Everyone has an ego, and the ego hates looking bad, especially in front of others. If we speak of someone’s faults in front of others, then that person’s ego might get very upset and resent us. When this happens, reason is thrown out the door, and they will become defensive and argue back.   Some people have extra sensitive egos. We  might think we’re just giving a suggestion, but the listener  might interpret it as an attack, so we have to have awareness about the situation and other people’s egos.   For example, let’s say I want to give a suggestion in a work meeting. I need to think about how I phrase the problem. If I say the problem is because of X, then I need to think about who is responsible for X, and whether if that person might feel like I’m indirectly criticizing him for not doing a good enough job at X. If I’m worried about it, I could talk to him privately beforehand and let him know that I have this idea and ask him for their thoughts on it. This is especially important if that person is our leader. We don’t want to accidently create conflict with our leader.   Another tactic is to say, “We are currently doing X well, but I had an idea that could make X even better.”  Or if I’m advising a person in private, and I think that person has a sensitive ego, I could say, “I think you’re doing great at X, and I just had an idea that if you also did Y, it would be even better!”   5: Set the stage Aside from not making others look bad, we should set the stage by making others look good and feel good first. We shouldn’t just jump straight into the problem. To set the stage, we can affirm their contributions, efforts, and good intentions. We should also explain the context and relevant details so that everyone is on the same page about the issue. Then we can start talking about the problem and our recommendation.   Icon Source Setting the stage is so very important. To give an analogy, imagine a top chef cooked a spectacular meal. However, the meal is served in a cheap take-out container at a run-down restaurant. When the customer sees the meal, would she appreciate it the same as if it were served on an elegant plate at a fancy restaurant? Similarly, we might have really good advice that would really benefit the other person or the group, but if we don’t set the stage effectively, it won’t leave a good impression on others.   For example, I recently started doing counseling with a student at school. Before the first counseling session, I imagined that he would be nervous about why he has to do counseling with me. He might resist the idea that he has problems and not want to do counseling. Therefore, I can’t start the counseling session by saying, “The school wants me to do counseling with you because you have some problems, and I’m here to help.”   Instead, what I did was first praise him on a lot of good things that he improved on recently. For example, he had a tantrum, but he was able to calm down after his homeroom teacher talked to him. I praised him on four things and gave him four pieces of candy . Then he felt a lot happier.   I then said, “You are doing great, and the school asked me to be your support in addition to your homeroom teacher. That’s why we are doing counseling. We’ll chat once a week, but we can chat more if you want, and if that week there’s not much to chat about, that’s totally fine too.”  He's been happy to attend counseling sessions and even looks forward to them.   6: Pick a good setting and time. This one is similar to setting the stage. To continue the analogy from before, if a world-class chef cooked a spectacular meal and served it to you, but you’re already stuffed, or you’re in the bathroom, would you want to eat it? Similarly, we could have very useful advice, but if the timing or setting is not suitable, we should wait.   The Chinese philosopher Kun Lu (吕坤) gave seven inappropriate situations to criticize or scold others: Don't criticize them in public Don't criticize them if they already feel remorse Don't criticize before sleep time Don’t criticize before or during meals Don't criticize when they are feeling very joyous Don't criticize if they are feeling depressed Don't criticize when they are ill   I would add one more: Don't criticize or advise when they are clearly busy or rushed for time. We should wait for a time or schedule a time when they are calm, in a good mood, and have the time to listen and discuss. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 ,   6 , 7 , 8   For example, one staff meeting, I had many suggestions to talk about, and that requires a lot of time for discussion. The meeting happened near the end of the day, when everyone was tired and wanted to go home. Rather than insist on going through all of them, I asked everyone which issues they think need to be discussed today, and which ones could wait until next week.   To give another example, I once wanted to advise a classmate on a not-very-elegant habit she had. It was quite an awkward thing to mention, but I saw her do it many times, and if no one tells her, she would be leaving a bad impression on others, so I felt a moral obligation to tell her if a suitable situation arises.   I didn’t keep thinking about it, but after many weeks, I saw her alone in the library, so I went in and asked her if I could tell her something. She said OK. I very politely said, “ I think you dress really well, and you’re quite an elegant person. But I noticed you sometimes like to slowly scratch your nose, and it’s kind of surprising to see that from such an elegant person, you know? I just don’t want others to get a negative impression of you because of it. That’s all. ” She replied that she indeed has this habit, and that she appreciated my good intentions, and she’ll work on it.   7: Be conservative. This is related to having an attitude of humility and carefulness. We should never think that we are absolutely right. We should always leave some room for the possibility that we are wrong.   Icon Source No one likes an arrogant person. When we seem arrogant, then even if our advice is good, the other person will resist or argue simply because they don't like us. Many arguments are just people trying to defeat the other person because they don't like the other person's arrogant demeanor.   Logically speaking, how can we ever have 100% complete information on a situation? And how can we possibly see every single perspective that there is to a situation? That’s why we cannot be so definitive about our perspective and suggestions.   If we say things like, “ You definitely need to do X ,” or even “ You should do X, ” others might think, “ Aren’t you a bit overly confident? How can you be so sure? ”   For example, one time a teacher colleague invited me to observe his English class. I knew that he didn’t have formal training in teaching English to Chinese students like I did, and I gave a lot of advice and industry best practices that I received and learned in my experience. Later, another colleague told me that this teacher felt I was quite arrogant, as if what I said is definitely right, but he felt that not all of the advice was applicable to his situation. This is an example of how overconfidence in attitude makes the other person lose trust in us.   I’ve learned from that incident, and now when I give suggestions to others, especially if I’m not that close with them, I try to use conservative wording. I might say, “I noticed this situation, and I just had an idea for your consideration. Maybe it would be helpful if you did X. But my perspective is limited, and I don’t understand the full situation, so it’s just an idea for your consideration.”   8: Be a problem-solver, not a problem-talker. When we bring up a problem or complaint, ideally, we shouldn’t just stop there. We should propose a solution(s) or make a request. If we only bring up problems and complaints, we’ll be a burden to others, and they will want to avoid us. But if we raise a problem and also propose potential solutions, as well as our analysis of which solution is the best, then it’s like we just delivered a gift to them.   Icon Source For example, when my mother complained in the past that I was too busy, I was quite annoyed because I didn’t like being so busy either, I and I felt like I was already trying my best to manage my time effectively and say no to many things. One time, I decided to take my own advice: instead of being annoyed and complaining about her complaining, I made a request.   I said, “I understand that you don’t want to see me so busy. But when you complain about it, it’s not helpful for me. It only makes me feel even more burdened. Instead of telling me to be less busy, could you instead ask me to schedule time for whatever it is that you want me to do? For example, if you want me to clean the basement, you could ask me to spend a day doing that this weekend. Or if you want me to sleep earlier, you could ask me to sleep by a certain time. That would be much more helpful than just telling me to stop being so busy.”  She happily accepted my request.   To give another example, when I noticed some problems at school, I first thought about potential solutions. I also discussed in private with other teachers and even the principal about my ideas, and then I proposed them in a meeting. In this way, people were more receptive to my suggestions.   9: Observe and adjust. When we are giving our recommendation or having that tough conversation, it’s important to observe other people’s reactions and adjust ourselves accordingly. This requires us to be fully present and to observe the other person’s facial expressions, movements, and body language, all of which give clues to what they’re thinking and feeling. Icon Source   We shouldn’t be focused on how we will respond later when they stop talking (and we certainly should not interrupt them), because if we do that, we won’t be giving them our full attention, and they’ll be able to feel that. We also shouldn’t get lost in our own talking such that we forget to observe the listener.   For example, I remember one time I proposed an idea at a meeting, and afterwards, there was barely a reaction from anyone. I was quite surprised because I was expecting people to agree with me. I also realized that when I was speaking, I was looking at my PowerPoint slides instead of at the listeners, so I didn’t know what their facial expressions and body language were while I was speaking. That was an awkward situation.   There have also been times when I started giving a suggestion, but then the other person would interrupt and start explaining themselves. When that happens, I already know that they are convinced they are right, or they started to become defensive, in which case it’s probably not worth trying to convince them. If they are not in the mood to hear advice right now, then it’s better to keep silent and change the topic.   10: Be patient. There’s a Chinese proverb that goes, “Three inches of ice doesn’t happen overnight.”   In other words, for a situation to become this serious, it took a long time. People have deeply ingrained habits, and these habits are like huge blocks of ice. Melting them away takes time.   If we want people to learn new habits and new ways of thinking, it’s like planting a tree. After we plant the seed, we have to continuously water the seed and patiently wait for the seed to grow into a tree. It doesn’t happen in one conversation.   Icon Source We shouldn’t think, “I already advised them before, and they didn’t listen, so I’m not going to bother anymore.”  We have to be patient and continue to advise them with tact whenever a suitable opportunity arises.   For example, I’ve been counseling a student on emotional regulation for a couple months now, and I’ve given countless reminders in daily school life, and each weekly counseling session is basically giving the same message packaged differently. However, I am not impatient because I know that change takes time, and it’s precisely my job to provide that needed reminder whenever an incident happens. Slowly, the ice of the old habit will melt away, and the new habit will grow. He’s already noticeably better than a couple months ago, and I’m sure that as long as we continue what we’re doing, he will continue to improve.   Conclusion Giving advice and suggestions is extremely important to maintaining relationships, and it’s one of the best gifts we can give if done well. It is also a big source of conflict if done ineffectively, hence the importance of learning and practicing communication principles. In this article, I’ve shared some principles I’ve learned over the years, but it’s by no means an exhaustive list, so it’s just some ideas for your consideration. Hopefully you’ll find some use from them and enjoy better communication and relationships as a result! Weekly Wisdom #368

Do you want to improve any of your current relationships, whether they be family, friends, or professional? Are you hoping to make new friendships with others? If so, do you know how to do so? On a related note, do you ever feel like you clearly show love and consideration for the other person, but they don’t seem to appreciate it? If you said yes to any of these questions, then this article may be helpful.   Happiness researcher Gretchen Rubin often says, “Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree that strong relationships are a key to happiness, maybe even THE key to happiness.”   Around 2500 years ago, the Buddha taught The Four Methods of Befriending (四攝法) to nurture relationships and make friends. In modern times, marriage researcher Gary Chapman discovered the Five Love Languages framework.   Comparing the Two Frameworks The Four Methods of Befriending are Giving : giving gifts and hosting guests. More broadly, it includes not just material gifts, but also the giving of time, energy, happiness, comfort, knowledge, and wisdom. Loving words : encouragement, appreciation, praise, and admonishment. Beneficial action : doing things to help them, reduce their burden, relieve their stress, etc. Activities in common : joining them in activities that they like to do.   The Five Love Languages are Gifts : big and small; no need for any special reason or occasion; the important thing is the sentiment and thoughtfulness behind the gift. Words of Affirmation : compliments, praise, encouragement and appreciation. It’s more meaningful when it’s specific and thoughtful. Acts of Service : running an errant for them, cooking, doing the chores, and anything else that reduces their workload and stress. Quality Time : giving them your undivided attention, joining them in activities that they enjoy. Touch : holding hands, hugs, a pat on the shoulder, a high five, or even just being close in space.   Image Source Did you notice how these two frameworks are almost the same? It is a great example of ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists having the same ideas!   The major difference is that the Five Love Languages has touch as a language, while the Four Methods of Befriending does not. This also makes sense since The Five Love Languages focuses on intimate relationships, while the Four Methods of Befriending focuses on all relationships, and touch is not very suitable for those we aren’t close with. We have to be socially and culturally sensitive when it comes to touch.   There are also a couple minor differences between the two frameworks. Giving in the Four Methods of Befriending is broader than Gifts in the Five Love Languages. Also, Loving Words is broader than Words of Affirmation because it encompasses giving admonishment and even harsh criticism so long as it comes from a loving intention.   It’s also important to note that these methods are not mutually exclusive. One act can have multiple love languages involved. For example, if we give someone a massage while chatting with them, that includes touch, acts of service, quality time, and the giving of time. If write a holiday card and give a small gift, that includes gifts and words of affirmation.   Using The Two Frameworks One key insight that Chapman found for the Five Love Languages is that although everyone appreciates every love language, people usually have one or two primary love languages that they prefer. In other words, if two people have different love languages, they might both think that they are showing lots of love and care for the other person, but the other person doesn’t really feel it.   Therefore, a key insight is that we need to learn the other person’s top one or two love languages and make conscious effort to love them in their preferred way. Otherwise, we tend to express love using our love language, and as a result, they might feel we are being nice, but they might also feel we aren’t truly loving them (at least not in the way they are hoping for).   Example 1: Spouses  Famous author and speaker Jay Shetty’s primary love language is gifts. It might be because during his childhood, his mother would always give him the best birthday gifts and surprise parties. However, his wife’s primary love languages are quality time and acts of service. Shetty would put in a ton of effort into giving gifts to his wife, but his wife never seemed to react as happily as he imagined she would. On the other hand, his wife would put in a lot of time and effort to cook healthy gourmet meals for him and want to spend good quality time with him, but he didn’t react with the same level of enthusiasm she was hoping for.   After learning about the Five Love Languages, Shetty realized that his wife is much happier to simply go grocery shopping together than to go for a meal at a nice restaurant. His wife also put in more effort into gifts for special occasions, which Shetty appreciated very much.   Example 2: Colleagues Let’s say we want to improve our relationships with colleagues. Here, the Four Methods of Befriending would be useful. We don’t even need to think about what their preferred method is (that’s more for intimate relationships); we can use any or all four methods: Giving : say good morning to them in the morning and goodbye when leaving the office, bring little snacks for everyone to share, give holiday cards or little gifts. Loving Words : give them encouragement, praise, thank-you notes, and timely advice. Beneficial Action : look for ways to help them with their work or reduce their stress. Activities in Common : attend social events together, chat with them and give them our attention and interest.   Example 3: Friends We may not see our friends every day like we do with family and colleagues, but we can still use the Four Methods of Befriending. We can give gifts on special occasions, encourage each other when we chat about our lives, help each other when needed, and spend time together doing things that we mutually enjoy together.   Conclusion We could all probably do a better job at nurturing relationships, which would be very beneficial for everyone in the relationships. For intimate relationships, it’s important to know their primary one or two love languages so that you can express love in their preferred way. For non-intimate relationships, using any and all of the Four Methods of Befriending would help. Weekly Wisdom #367

Welcome to this article series on Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). The aim of this series is to provide you with foundational and practical knowledge of TCM that you can use to improve your own health at home in daily life. The recommendations in this series are simple, accessible, and mostly free. After all, good health should be something that is accessible to everyone! Here is a clickable table of contents for this series: Introduction and Foundation The Five Elements Profiles Food and Cooking The Five Major Organs The Nine Body Constitutions The Body Clock Common Treatments from a Practitioner My Experience with TCM Health Advice From Doctors At A Chinese Medicine Hospital Sleep Tips from Traditional Chinese Medicine Emotions and Health This article is Part 2: The Five Elements Profiles Last time, we talked about foundational knowledge of TCM: Yin Yang, Qi, Blood, and the five elements. Recall that the five elements is a framework that connects the natural world to our bodies in terms of organs, emotions, flavors, colors, and more. Image Source: PowerPoint Wizardry by Yours Truly This article will go in-depth into the five elements. Here is a clickable table of contents to help you navigate the article: Part 1: Characteristics 1.1 🌳 Characteristics 1.2 🔥 Characteristics 1.3 🌱 Characteristics 1.4 🛠 Characteristics 1.5 🌊 Characteristics Part 2: Organs 2.1 🌳 Organs: Liver and Gallbladder 2.2 🔥 Organs: Heart and Small Intestines 2.3 🌱 Organs: Stomach and Spleen 2.4 🛠 Organs: Lungs and Large Intestines 2.5 🌊 Organs: Kidneys and Bladder Part 3: Emotions 3.1 🌳 Emotions: Compassion and Anger 3.2 🔥 Emotions: Joy and Sadness 3.3 🌱 Emotions: Openness and Worry 3.4 🛠 Emotions: Courage and Sorrow 3.5 🌊 Emotions: Determination and Fear Part 4: Personality 4.1 🌳 Personality: Constant Growth 4.2 🔥 Personality: Life of the Party 4.3 🌱 Personality: The Nurturer 4.4 🛠 Personality: The Well-Sharpened Sword 4.5 🌊 Personality: Goes with the Flow Part 5: Body Types 5.1 🌳 Body Type 5.2 🔥 Body Type 5.3 🌱 Body Type 5.4 🛠 Body Type 5.5 🌊 Body Type Part 6: Balancing Each Element 6.1 🌳 Balancing Wood 6.2 🔥 Balancing Fire 6.3 🌱 Balancing Earth 6.4 🛠 Balancing Metal 6.5 🌊 Balancing Water Conclusion --- Part 1: Characteristics 1.1 🌳 Characteristics The wood element season is spring; this is when all the new plants are growing. As expected, the wood element’s color is green, just like spring. The taste associated with wood is sour because fruits are still new and unripe in the spring, and so they have a sour taste. 1.2 🔥 Characteristics The fire element season is summer; this is when we have the most amount of heat and sun. As expected, the color associated with fire is red. Intuitively, you might think fire has the spicy taste, but the fire element is actually associated with the bitter taste. Here’s a good way to remember this: During spring, plants are still small and often get eaten by bugs, but as they grow bigger in the summer, they produce bitter chemicals that make them less appealing to bugs. 1.3 🌱 Characteristics The earth element is linked to the late summer season. This is the time when fruits ripen and become sweet, hence the taste associated with earth is sweet. The color associated with earth is yellow because yellow grass comes out late summer. 1.4 🛠 Characteristics The metal element is associated to the season of autumn, which is all about the falling leaves. Falling leaves represent letting go of things we don’t need and only holding onto the necessary things. The color of the metal element is white, which symbolizes death. The taste associated with metal is pungent and aromatic, which you’ll notice in fragrant spices like garlic, ginger, and basil. The sound of the metal element is crying since the trees are sad to let go of their leaves in autumn. The idea of metal being an element might seem confusing, but the reason metal is used is because this element can shape other elements, just as how a knife can shape food. You can also think of metal as similar to the element of air. The metal element is associated with dryness and the skin because there is cold and dry wind in autumn. 1.5 🌊 Characteristics The water element season is winter, which is a time of survival, isolation, and reflection. The colors associated with water are blue and black. The taste is salty just like ocean water and sea vegetables. Part 2: Organs 2.1 🌳 Organs The Liver and the Gallbladder are the wood element organs. They both detox the body and nourish Blood, which then strengthens the hair and nails. 2.2 🔥 Organs The fire element has two organs: the Heart and Small Intestines , both of which play a big role in our emotions. The Heart is the emotion center. The Small Intestines produce serotonin, which regulates mood and happiness in the body. Similar to how the Small Intestines separates nutrients from waste, it also helps our mind to differentiate from right and wrong or good and bad. 2.3 🌱 Organs The Stomach and Spleen are the earth element organs. Just as we can throw waste onto the soil, and then the earth turns it into nourishment for plants, our digestive organs transform food into nourishment for the body. In TCM, the Stomach holds the food, while the Spleen is responsible for digestion and nutrient absorption. In other words, the TCM Spleen includes some of the functions of the western idea of pancreas and small intestines. 2.4 🛠 Organs The two organs associated with the metal element are the Lungs and Large Intestines . The Lungs bring in nourishment (oxygen), while the Large Intestines let go of waste. The Lungs are also related to the immune system according to TCM. 2.5 🌊 Organs The two organs associated with the water element are the Kidneys and the Bladder . The Kidneys filtrate water, while the Bladder eliminates water. In TCM, the Kidneys are also related to our reproductive organs. Part 3: Emotions Western medicine tends to view emotions as separate from the physical body, but TCM explains that emotions are connected to our organs. Therefore, if we have trouble with a certain emotion, then healing the organ associated with that emotion will help us with that emotion. Amazing! Image Source: Yours Truly When an element is in balance, we experience the positive emotions associated with it. When an element is out of balance, we experience the negative emotions associated with it. As the next section, personality, will explain, each of us has one or two elements that are strongest in our body constitution, meaning we are prone to different emotions based on our innate constitution. 3.1 🌳 Emotions Positive emotions: love, compassion, and growth Negative emotions: frustration, anger; procrastination, and indecision. Anger and frustration relate to an unbalanced Liver, while indecision and procrastination relate to an unbalanced Gallbladder 3.2 🔥 Emotions Positive emotions : joy, happiness, and love. Negative emotions : sadness, anxiety, overjoy Notice that the fire emotions are all felt in the chest, near the Heart. Overjoy is also considered an unhealthy fire emotion because it leads to a big low afterwards. 3.3 🌱 Emotions Positive emotions : trust and openness Negative emotions : worry and overthinking The area where you feel the earth element in your body is the solar plexus (under the chest, above the belly button). When people start to worry, their solar plexus tighten, so breathing fully to the abdomen helps to relax worry. 3.4 🛠 Emotions Positive emotions : connection and courage Negative emotions : sorrow and attachment An example of attachment is losing someone or something you love and then being unable to let go of the past. 3.5 🌊 Emotions Positive emotions : willpower and calm Negative emotions : fear and shock; resentment, jealousy, suspicion When water is in balance, you can do whatever must be done. When the Kidneys are out of balance, people feel fear or shock. When the Bladder is out of balance, people hold on to resentment and grudges over seemingly small things from a long time ago. They are also prone to jealousy and suspicion. Part 4: Personality We all have all five elements in our bodies, but most of us have one or two dominant ones. Depending on which one or two elements are dominant in your body, you tend to have different personalities. Note that you could acquire characteristics of other elements if that element becomes unbalanced. For example, if I am an earth person, then I would naturally be very nurturing towards others. But if my Liver gets hurt, then I might start to have anger issues. You can take this quiz to find out which element(s) you are, or keep on reading and figure it out yourself. When thinking about your element, think about what’s been natural to you when you were healthy as opposed to only your current situation. As with the emotions section, the strengths will appear if the element is in balance, and the weaknesses will appear if the element is out of balance. 4.1 🌳 Personality A typical wood personality person is always climbing for the top, just like how a tree keeps trying to grow taller. Strengths : goal-setter, high-achiever, planner, gets things done Weaknesses : over-achiever; gets impatient, irritable, or frustrated easily; stubborn (my way or the highway) 4.2 🔥 Personality A typical fire person is usually very passionate and warm, just like fire. Strengths : passionate, fun, and charismatic Weaknesses : easily gets distracted or bored, doesn't like being alone, might not keep their word. 4.3 🌱 Personality A typical earth person is a nurturing and compassionate person, just like how the earth nourishes all living beings. Strengths : loyal, empathetic, great at resolving conflicts, and great at forming deep and long-term relationships. Weaknesses : prone to worry and overthinking, sensitive to criticism, and might get taken advantage of by others. 4.4 🛠 Personality A metal person is like a well-sharpened sword: very meticulous and efficient. They are not spontaneous, and they dislike disorder Strengths : dependable, hardworking, and disciplined. Weaknesses : difficulties opening up and sharing their feelings in close relationships; prone to feeling sad, misunderstood, or lonely. 4.5 🌊 Personality A water person is able to go with the flow, just like water. Strengths : easygoing, creative, self-reflective, and artistic; When in balance, they have strong willpower and determination, and they are seekers of wisdom. Weaknesses : when unbalanced, they are prone to self-doubt and fear of failure, which might make them have low motivation. Part 5: Body Types Image Source 5.1 🌳 Body Type Wood people are usually lean and slim with broad shoulders and a straight back. They tend to have a long face and olive skin tone. 5.2 🔥 Body Type A fire person tends to have a heart shaped face, smaller hands and feet, broad shoulders, wide teeth, and a slightly pointed head. Their hair may be curly or thinning, and their skin complexion tends to be reddish. 5.3 🌱 Body Type An earth person tends to have a pear-shaped body with rounded buttocks and a strong body frame. Their face is typically round with a wide jaw, their skin has a yellowish tone. 5.4 🛠 Body Type A metal person tends to have broad shoulders, a squarish face with defined facial features, pale skin, a flat Stomach, and maybe a smaller body. They usually have a strong voice. 5.5 🌊 Body Type A water person tends to have a round baby face, soft skin, narrow shoulders, and a long spine. They tend to have a larger belly. Part 6: Balancing Each Element When an element gets out of balance in our body, we will experience some negative symptoms. We can re-balance the elements using lifestyle factors such as food, exercise, and rest. For further details, check out Part 3 of this TCM series on food and Part 4 on organs. 6.1 🌳 Balancing Wood Out-of-Balance Symptoms : Getting stressed easily, tightness in the neck and shoulders, headaches, short temper, and often waking up between 1AM to 3AM. Lifestyle Tips : Keep the Qi moving through vigorous exercises and sports; have enough deep sleep to prevent burnout; do restful activities such as meditation and yoga. Food : Eat more sour flavors such as lemon/lime, oranges, tomatoes, and olives. Also eat more green foods such as leafy greens, beans, and avocados. 6.2 🔥 Balancing Fire Out-of-Balance Symptoms : mild anxiety, lacking joy, difficulty sleeping, vivid dreams, poor Blood circulation, and spontaneous sweating. Lifestyle Tips : Do relaxation activities such as meditation, breathing exercises, and yoga; Set aside time to wind-down and relax before sleep; Stay cool in hot weather. Food : Eat more bitter flavors. Many leafy greens have bitterness, such as kale, arugula, lettuce, and broccoli. Other foods with bitterness include asparagus, celery, parsley, bitter melon, and tea. Eating red foods also helps, such as tomatoes, carrots, strawberries, raspberries, and red-skinned apples. 6.3 🌱 Balancing Earth Out-of-Balance Symptoms : Digestive problems, excessive burping or gas, poor appetite, cravings for sweet foods, weight gain, fatigue especially around 3PM, mental fog especially after waking up, and poor muscle strength. Lifestyle Tips : Walking is a suitable exercise for earth because it is energizing and also helps you clear your mind. Do activities to calm your mind and worries, such as meditation, journaling, yoga, or tai chi. Food : To balance earth, you need to strengthen your digestive organs. You can do that by eating well-cooked and warm-temperature foods. Naturally sweet flavored foods, not processed sugary foods, are good for the digestive system. Examples include whole grains, potatoes, sweet potatoes, pumpkin, peas, and many fruits. But don’t eat too many raw fruits because that raw and cold energy hurts the Stomach. Cooking your fruits would be better. Yellow foods are also helpful, such as lemon, soy beans, barley, summer squash, and potatoes. 6.4 🛠 Balancing Metal Out-of-Balance Symptoms : Easily catching colds and flus, shortness of breath, congested nose, constipation, dry skin, tiredness, and grief. Lifestyle Tips : To balance metal, it’s important to strengthen the Lungs, which circulate air and Qi around the body. You can do breathing exercises or Qi Gong. Since metal people are prone to sadness, it’s extra important to maintain an active social life. Participating in community activities is a great way to do that. Food : Eat more pungent flavored foods such as onions, chives, garlic, fresh ginger, chili peppers, cinnamon, and wasabi. Naturally white foods also help, such as daikon radish, turnip, cauliflower, potatoes, and mushrooms. This does not include processed foods like white bread and white sugar. It’s also important to avoid mucus-inducing foods such as dairy, sweets, and fried foods. 6.5 🌊 Balancing Water Out-of-Balance Symptoms : Aches in joints, especially in the lower back, knees, or ankles; a feeling of heaviness or swelling due to fluid retention; memory problems; hearing difficulties; and cravings for salty foods. Lifestyle Tips : To balance water, it’s important to support the Kidneys by drinking enough water and avoiding stimulants like coffee, cola, and energy drinks. Water people feel good near water, so swimming in the ocean or even a bath is great for them. Do exercises that are calming and have low impact on the joints, such as yoga and Pilates. Food : Eat more naturally salty foods such as seaweed/kelp, miso, millet, barley, fermented products, pickles, parsley, and celery. Black or blue foods also help, such as seaweed/kelp, black beans, black rice, blackberries, blueberries, and eggplant. You can also add some natural sea salt (which is much better than processed table salt according to TCM) to your cooking, but don't overdo it. Conclusion Our bodies are connected to nature via the five elements framework. That means our organs, emotions, and food are all inter-connected. When we live in accordance with nature, then health occurs. When we lose our natural balance, then illness starts. This article explained the five elements in terms of characteristics, organs, emotions, personality, body type, and balancing tips. After reading this article, I hope you can identify your dominant element and take simple actions to support your health. The next article will go into depth about food and cooking.

Welcome to this article series on Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). The aim of this series is to provide you with foundational and practical knowledge of TCM that you can use to improve your own health at home in daily life. The recommendations in this series are simple, accessible, and mostly free. After all, good health should be something that is accessible to everyone! Here is a clickable table of contents for this series: Introduction and Foundation The Five Elements Profiles Food and Cooking The Five Major Organs The Nine Body Constitutions The Body Clock Common Treatments from a Practitioner My Experience with TCM Health Advice From Doctors At A Chinese Medicine Hospital Sleep Tips from Traditional Chinese Medicine Emotions and Health This article is Part 3: Food and Cooking In the previous articles, we laid the foundation for TCM by talking about Yin Yang, Qi, Blood, acupoints, and the five elements. One of the key factors to health and illness is food. This article will explain how TCM views food, which builds upon the five elements framework. In short, foods all have their specific qualities, and whether or not a food is good for you depends on if your body’s qualities are a good fit for that food’s qualities. Image Source This article will explain Food energies Five flavors Food colors A healthy diet An unhealthy diet Clear bland diet Cooking methods Seasonal eating Other TCM eating tips Food Energies In TCM, foods have different energies and effects. Chinese classics like the Shen Nong Ben Cao Jing (神农本草经) explain that there are four energies: cold, cool , warm , and hot . We can also add neutral energy for foods that are neither cooling nor warming. The food energy refers to how the food makes the body feel, not the temperature of the food. For example, lettuce is considered cold, so even if you eat hot, cooked lettuce, the energy is still cold. Another example: Chinese tea is considered cool even though we drink it hot. After drinking the tea, the heat fades quickly and generates cool energy in the body. Food Flavors In terms of food effects, we have to look at the five flavors: sour, bitter, sweet, pungent/spicy, and salty. Recall from the previous lesson that TCM associates each of the five elements to a taste and organ. That means foods of a particular taste will be good for the organ of that element. For example, the metal element is associated with the pungent and spicy flavors and the Lungs and Large Intestines. That means eating pungent or spicy foods like ginger, garlic, and chili peppers will help those two organs. Note that different foods in the same category have different levels of strength in effect. For example, both ginger and chili peppers are spicy, but chili peppers are much stronger than ginger. Hence it is much easier for people to get excess heat symptoms such as canker sores and constipation from eating chili peppers compared to ginger. Another important point is that when TCM talks about sweet food or salty food, it's not talking about processed white table sugar or processed white table salt. It's talking about naturally sweet foods or naturally salty foods. For the salty flavor, natural sea salt counts. Sea salt comes in crystals and is not homogenous in color; it might be a little gray or even pink. Natural sugars and natural sea salt are binded to many nutrients that processed sugar and salt do not have. Food Colors Remember that each element also has a corresponding color, as shown above in the color of each row. Eating foods of that element’s color also helps the organ of that element. For example, eating white or white-center foods help the nourish Lungs and Large Intestines. Here are common foods under each color category: Green (wood) : leafy greens, beans, avocado Red (fire) : tomatoes, carrots, strawberries, raspberries, apples Yellow (earth) : lemon, soy beans, barley, summer squash White (metal) : daikon radish, turnip, cauliflower, potatoes, mushrooms, garlic, onion, and apples Blue/Black/Purple (Water) : seaweed/kelp, black beans, black rice, blackberries, blue berries, eggplant/aubergine A Healthy Diet Individualized Diet In the west, people look at food in terms of calories and nutrients. There’s a lot of focus on getting enough calories in a day, as well as getting enough nutrients. There’s this assumption that everyone’s bodies are the same. If a food is nutritious, it should be good for everybody. In TCM, whether or not a food is healthy for you depends on your body’s situation and the qualities of that food. If that food has qualities that nurture your specific body situation, then it is healthy for you. For example, you might hear that ginger is really healthy, and a western view would just recommend ginger for everyone. In TCM, ginger is yellow in color, which means it helps the Stomach and Spleen and treats digestion related issues like nausea. When the Stomach has excess cold energy, you might feel morning sickness or get car sick, and ginger also helps treat these. But if your body is showing symptoms of excess heat, such as redness and constipation, then ginger would not be appropriate. Food Temperature and Degree of Cookedness TCM typically recommends warm, well-cooked foods. The way TCM views digestion is like a cooking pot. Our body needs food to be at 37 degrees Celsius to digest it. If the food is too cold, then the body needs to divert energy from other parts of the body to warm up that food. Well-cooked foods also tend to be softer and basically partially digested, so it takes less energy for the Stomach and Spleen, which makes it easier on the whole body. Food Proportions In terms of proportion, different people have different health situations and body constitutions, so there is no one-size-fits-all approach. But generally speaking, TCM views the sweet flavor (e.g., grains, legumes, starchy vegetables) as the main dish, with the other flavors being complementary. I think Dr. Yi Song created a good visual: Image Source From the image, we can see lots of whole grains, beans & lentils, nuts, fruits, and veggies. All these combined should provide the five flavors and five colors. If we look at it from the western medicine perspective, most of these belong in the sweet category and provide carbs. Beans and lentils provide lots of protein, while seeds and nuts provide healthy fat. Around a third of the plate is fruits and vegetables, which provides a variety of vitamins and natural sugars (which are much healthier than processed sugars). Although there is no meat in the image, TCM is not against meat. However, TCM recommends no more than 10% of our meal be meat. From western medicine, we know that meat has a lot of saturated fat, and factory farmed meat has lots of harmful chemicals. Notice that healthy eating in TCM is quite simple and tasty. It promotes eating a variety of flavors and colors, and it emphasizes natural and plant-based foods. When we have all the flavors from natural foods in a meal, we reduce cravings for unhealthy foods. An Unhealthy Diet TCM does not actually ban any foods, but there are common foods that people commonly eat too much of or eat in the wrong situations. For most people in most situations, we should reduce these foods: Raw foods and iced beverages because they are a shock to the body, and it takes a lot of energy for the body to heat up those foods for digestion. (But if your body constitution has too much heat, then these foods can lower your heat) Oily, greasy, and deep fried foods because they can easily cause excess dampness, heat, and stagnation. Processed foods because they cause inflammation. These are foods that are produced in a factory, such as any packaged foods that come in boxes, plastic wrappers, or cans. These foods usually have at least 5 ingredients, most of which are scientific names that normal people don't understand. Alcohol because it can easily lead to excess heat and is highly damaging to the Liver. (But some herbal formulae do use alcohol to treat certain illnesses) Dairy: Dairy is very damp and cold, so it weakens the digestive organs and easily creates excess mucus in the body. Avoid large amounts of dairy. Clear Bland Diet If you are experiencing poor digestion, you can try the Clear Bland Diet . Basically, you eat really bland and cooked foods like white rice, stews, and cooked veggies such that they are nice and soft. All these foods are really easy to digest, and it’s basically food that you would use to wean a baby. You’re not allowed to eat processed foods, meaning anything that has artificial ingredients or that comes in a box, can, jar, or package. You also can’t eat rich and heavy foods such as dairy. Do this until you feel your digestion is good again; it usually takes 3 to 5 days. After that, add back foods one by one and pay attention to how you feel after you add back a food. If you experience negative symptoms, then your body probably has a problem with that food. Cooking Methods TCM also has some guidelines about how to cook foods. Different cooking methods will be more Yang or Yin. In general, cooking with fire adds Yang energy. The fire dries, hardens, and shrinks the food. Food gets harder to digest this way, and it should be avoided by people are have too much Yang in the body. Cooking with water adds more Yin. The food becomes more moist and soft, becoming easy to digest. This is good for all people. Most spices and seasonings are warm or hot in nature, so they are good for balancing cool and cold foods like many vegetables. The main cooking methods are raw, boiling, steaming, stewing, stir frying, baking/roasting, and grilling. 1. Raw People often eat raw salad vegetables, fruits, and nuts. No one really thinks about cooking fruit, though it certainly can be done! In the west, raw vegetables are viewed to be healthier because they offer more vitamins and nutrients, whereas cooking them gets rid of some of those nutrients. The west focuses on the food. In TCM, the focus is on the person. Yes, raw vegetables have more nutrients, but does the person have a strong enough digestive system to actually digest raw foods? Raw vegetables and fruits are very cooling. Some signs of your digestive system being too weak and cold to handle raw foods would be bloating, having gas, Stomach pain, or diarrhea after eating raw foods. In that case, you should cook your foods instead. If you don’t have those problems, and you’re generally pretty hot and energetic, then you have the digestive heat and strength to handle raw foods. Note however that our bodies change over time. So even if raw foods work for you now, they might not work for you in the future if for some reason your digestive system weakens. If that happens, then you know to cook your foods. 2. Boiling: Cooking food in boiling water Boiling foods (e.g., soups and stews) will warm the food and the nutrients will flow out into the liquid. Hence, it’s best to drink the soup rather than throwing away those nutrients. Boiling with too much water will reduce the Yang energy and is not recommended. 3. Steaming: Cooking food with steam from boiling water Steaming foods (e.g., steamed vegetables, dumplings) is a neutral cooking method, and it is one of the healthiest ways. It helps to retain the nutrients and does not change the energy of the food much. 4. Stewing: Cooking food slowly for a long period of time with a minimum amount of liquid. Stewing food (e.g., using a slow cooker) is great for restoring Yang energy in people lacking Yang. 5. Stir Frying: Cooking food in hot oil over a wok or pan. Stir frying (e.g., fried rice, fried vegetables) adds Yang energy to food. You can use high heat to make the surface of the food crunchy (Yang) while maintaining the inner juice (Yin) and nutrients. 6. Baking/Roasting: Cooking food in dry heat such as an oven. Baking food (e.g., roast vegetables, bread) adds Yang energy. It is good for balancing cooling foods with a lot of Yin energy. 7. Grilling: Cooking by applying direct heat to the surface of the food Grilling (e.g., BBQ skewers) adds a lot of Yang energy. Seasonal Eating It’s also important to eat according to the season because our body interacts with the changing environment. Generally speaking, it’s healthier to eat whatever is seasonally available in your local area at that time, but always consider your body constitution first. For example, If you know your constitution is cold and lacking Yang, then even if it is summer, you should still eat in a way to nourish your Yang.   Spring is associated with the wood element and the Liver. Eating leafy greens are great to help the Liver detox. Sprouts and baby veggies are naturally available in Spring. Moderate amounts of sour foods can nourish the Liver. The Liver is in charge of the smooth flow of Qi around the body, and pungent foods support this function. Also, the Liver might get over-active in Spring, in which case supporting the Spleen with sweet foods would be important.   Summer has the most heat and Yang energy, so it’s suitable to eat cooling foods like bitter greens and most fruits that are seasonally available, which help to cool us down. If you sweat a lot in the summer, sour foods help to prevent excessive sweating and loss of Yin. Summer is also the best time to nourish the Heart and replenish Blood by eating more red foods such as cherries, berries, and tomatoes, which become available in summer.   Late summer is associated with the earth element, yellow, sweet, and the Spleen. It’s a good time to nourish the Spleen with earth element foods like root vegetables and grains, which are ready to be harvested by late summer. Light amounts of lightly fragrant spices also help to stimulate appetite and support digestion. Additionally, late summer can be quite damp, so eating dampness-removing foods can be helpful, such as mung beans, Chinese yam, and pearl barley. Late summer is still very hot, so it’s important to stay hydrated, and sour foods help to retain fluids.   Autumn is associated with the metal element, white, pungent, and the Lungs. People start catching colds and flus in the autumn, so incorporating pungent foods is a good way to support the Lungs, which are in charge of the immune system. White foods also nourish the Lungs. Autumn is a season of dryness, so it’s helpful to consume yin-nourishing foods like pears, bananas, lotus root, and snow fungus. Root vegetables are still seasonal in autumn, and their natural sweetness promotes the production of body fluids. Bitter is the most drying flavor, so it’s suitable to reduce bitter foods like coffee.   Winter is associated with the water element, black, salty, and the Kidneys. Winter months are cold, so it’s suitable to eat warming or Yang-nourishing foods. Moderate amounts of salty foods, nuts and seeds, and black-colored foods can help nourish the Kidneys. As always, moderation is important, and too much warming foods can lead to excess heat, in which case some cooling foods would be needed to restore balance. Other TCM Eating Tips Tip 1: Listen to your body Just because someone tells you a food is good doesn’t mean it’s good for YOUR body. Pay careful attention to how you feel after eating a food you suspect isn’t working for you. Tip 2: Eat until 80% full Eating until 100% full burdens the Stomach and Spleen. It’s no surprise that people living in Blue Zones (areas in the world where there are the most number of people living healthily to 100) all eat until 80% full. Tip 3: Eat at regular times The Stomach and Spleen love routine. Eating irregularly will make them unhappy. Tip 4: Eat mindfully When we are in a state of stress or worry, our digestive organs can’t function properly. We should focus on our food and feel gratitude for our food when eating to support the Stomach and Spleen. Tip 5: Eat regional According to TCM, food that grows naturally in our region at the time it is harvested is more beneficial to the people living in that region. For example, it's better to eat apples freshly harvested from your province than to eat apples shipped to your grocery store from another country harvested at who-knows-when. Tip 6: Walk after eating A short walk helps the digestive organs. Tip 7: Do a quick massage on your shin Before or after your meal, spend a minute to push along the tendon that’s on the outer side of the shin, which is a part of your Stomach meridian. TCM doctor Jason Chong demonstrates in this video : In addition to the outer side of the shin, you can also do the inner side, which is a part of your Spleen meridian. Conclusion Understanding TCM’s viewpoint on food gives us a whole new appreciation for the impact of food on our health apart from just nutrition. In TCM, food is categorized based on its energy (from cold to hot), flavor, and color. A healthy diet in TCM consists mostly of grain and vegetables, with a side of sour, pungent, bitter, and salty foods. TCM also explains that the digestive organs prefer cooked and warm foods over raw and cold foods. This article also looked at different cooking methods and how they impact the energy and nutrient-absorption of the food. Finally, it talked about seasonal eating and other eating tips. The next article will go into detail about the five major organs in our bodies. Lastly, I want to thank Dr. Kun Liu for reviewing this article and giving me diet coaching!

Did you know that around 40% of our daily actions are actually habits? Despite habits being such a big part of our lives, many of us don't actually spend much effort to optimize them. But we should. The importance of habits cannot be understated. F.M. Alexander said, "People do not decide their futures, they decide their habits and their habits decide their futures." James Clear, author of Atomic Habits , says, “The quality of our lives depends on the quality of our habits.” Photo by Prophsee Journals on Unsplash Can you think of a healthy habit you want to start? Or perhaps a bad habit you want to break? Have you tried changing your habits before but it's just too hard? No worries, this article will teach you what you need to know to feel empowered to optimize your habits. Here is a clickable table of contents to help you navigate this article: Part 1: How to Build a New Habit 1.1 Make it convenient so it's not a hassle 1.2 At the beginning, make it quick and easy so you can't say no 1.3 After a while, make it a little bit challenging so it's not boring 1.4 Have a memorable cue and use pairing 1.5 Savor the good feeling 1.6 Get a streak going 1.7 Get accountability 1.8 Optimize your environment Part 2: How to Break a Bad Habit Step 1: Acknowledge that the bad habit served you well at one point Step 2: Understand your motivation and move up the motivation ladder Step 3: Know every single trigger Step 4: Remove the triggers that you can Step 5: Create if-then rules for the triggers you cannot remove step Step 6: Have someone you can call if you're about to fail Step 7: Replace lower tastes with higher tastes Part 3: Other Tips for Habit Change 3.1 Clean Slate 3.2 Lightning Bolts 3.3 Clarity 3.4 Safeguards 3.5 Abstainer vs. Moderator 3.6 The Four Tendencies Conclusion Part 1: How to Build a New Habit First, let's talk about adding a new habit to your life. If you can't think of any new habits you want to add to your life, consider this list of common new years resolutions that people have: Start exercising Start eating more vegetables and fruits Start meditating Start reading Start saving money Start spending more time with loved ones Note that this list is goals, not habits. To turn any of these goals into habits, we need to add a frequency and time duration to each. For example, we can say "exercise for 10 minutes every day." Alright, hopefully you have a habit in mind that you want to build. That thought is a seed. We need to give that seed the proper nurture and care for it to grow and thrive. Image Source If you want a habit to stick, there are 8 important things to take care of: Make it convenient so it's not a hassle At the beginning, make it quick so you can't say no After a while, make it just a little bit challenging so it's not boring Have a memorable cue and use pairing Savor the good feeling Get a streak going Get accountability Optimize your environment 1.1 Make it convenient so it's not a hassle In our modern society, most people live busy lives, and it's hard to find time to start a new habit. Habit experts all agree that convenience is one of the most important things to starting a new habit. Let's use exercise as an example. Even though people sign up for a gym membership, the obstacle of having to change into gym clothes, going to the gym, then showering afterwards...it's just too inconvenient! If we want to start the habit of exercising, we're much better off doing some exercises at home, doing some simple exercises that don't require changing into gym clothes. I heard an example of someone putting a yoga mat right next to her bed so that when she wakes up in the morning, she literally rolls out of bed onto her yoga mat and starts doing some yoga. It's hard to get more convenient than that! Another example is eating more fruits and vegetables. Some people feel like washing, cutting, and cooking fruits and vegetables is a big hassle. If that's the case, buying pre-cut fruits and vegetables that can be eaten right away is a great solution. Furthermore, keep these fruit and vegetable platters on the kitchen counter in clear sight rather than at the back of the fridge. That way, it's convenient for you to eat some whenever you want, and you don't need to go through the hassle of reaching into the back of your fridge to get them. If you want to start saving money, you could get your bank to set up automatic transfers from your checking account to your savings account, or set up monthly deposits into a certain investment. 1.2 At the beginning, make it quick and easy so you can't say no One of the big reasons we don't stick to a habit is because we start off too big. We might have high motivation at the beginning, but over the long-term, our motivation will vary due to certain days being more tiring than others. That' why new habits need to start small. Habit researcher BJ Fogg literally named his book Tiny Habits , saying, "The essence of Tiny Habits is to take a behavior you want, make it tiny, find where it fits naturally in your life, and nurture its growth." Image Source For example, when I wanted to start exercising, I felt like going to the gym for 3 hours a week was too time consuming. Later, I found this 5 -minute kitchen workout from Dr. Rangan Chaterjee, and then I told myself to exercise for just 5 minutes a day. No matter how busy I was, I can't really say I'm so busy that I don't have 5 minutes. That helped me get the habit started. If you want to start reading (or some other habit), you could start by just reading for 5-10 minutes a day, or whatever you feel is so small that you can't say no to. 1.3 After a while, make it a little bit challenging so it's not boring In order for us to enjoy something and to feel like we're improving, we need to set the difficulty level to be just a little bit challenging. If it's too easy, we'll get bored. If it's too hard, we'll get discouraged. Image Source For example, I started exercising by doing at least 10 push-ups every day. Over the period of a month, I added more and more push-ups, until I felt like I was doing too many push-ups and it was getting boring. Then I decided to try one-handed push-ups. It was an exciting and fun challenge that took me another month to get good at. But if I had started with one-handed push ups, I probably would have quit after day 2. For eating more fruits and vegetables, don't feel like you need to go from eating 10% fruits and vegetables to 50% fruits and vegetables immediately. Big changes are often not sustainable because they just feel like too much of a shock. Make small, gradual, and natural increases. The exception to his rule would be if something drastic happened in your life that calls for a drastic change, such as finding out you got some major disease. But for most of us, small incremental changes are best. 1.4 Have a memorable cue and use pairing In order to remember to do your new habit, you need to have a cue , which is something that reminds you to do the habit. The more memorable the cue, the more likely you'll remember to do your habit. For example, I put a dumbbell on my bathroom floor to remind myself to do some curls and push-ups before leaving the bathroom. I also put some fruit right on the kitchen counter so that whenever I pass by, I see the fruit and remember that I need to eat one today. To start my journaling habit, I put a journal and pen right on my bedside table. Pairing means tagging the new habit you want onto an already existing habit that you already have. You could do that new habit before, during, or right after the existing habit. For example, I started exercising by telling myself I need to do 5 minutes of exercise before I eat lunch. I also started meditating by telling myself to do 20 minutes of meditation right after waking up. I heard an example of someone counting gratitudes while waiting for the kettle to boil in the morning to prepare her morning tea/coffee. Dr. Chaterjee and his wife agreed that in the morning, from when they're making tea to until they finished drinking their tea, they would chat with each other and not be distracted by anything else. It only takes about 5 minutes or so, but he said it's had a huge positive impact on their relationship. 1.5 Savor the good feeling It's very important that habits help us feel good afterwards, and that we savor that good feeling. The memory of that good feeling is what will make the habit stronger and long lasting. When we start a new habit, we should consciously look for positive changes. For example, I noticed that after a week of doing push ups, I was able to go from 20 to 30. I savored the good feeling of making progress. After a week of doing one-handed push ups, I was able to go from 0 to 3. Again, I savored that good feeling. After eating more variety of fruits and vegetables for a while, I noticed my skin got better. By putting in effort to notice these changes and then savoring the good feeling, that got me excited and naturally wanted to keep going. 1.6 Get a streak going The feeling of making progress is very satisfying, and it also builds our self-confidence as someone who is able to persevere. You can make a habit chart, or journal about your habit completion. Image Source For example, I spent a few minutes a night journaling about my day every night, and I simply added "exercised" into my journal. When I noticed a big improvement in my ability, I'd also journal it down to savor the feeling. You may have heard the common saying that it takes 21 days to form a new habit. But research from University College London shows it actually takes on average 66 days for a new behavior to become automatic. While two months may seem like a long time, there's some good news too. Firstly, it just re-emphasizes the need to make a new habit really convenient and quick. Second, if you haven't found yourself doing the new habit automatically after 21 days yet, you don't have to worry. It's supposed to take longer. Third, the researchers found that making a mistake once or twice doesn’t impact the long-term habit formation as long as we get back on track quickly. In other words, it's okay if you miss a day, just reflect on why you missed that day and then get back on track the next day. 1.7 Get accountability Accountability means having someone we report our progress to or someone who does the habit with us. For example, you might get a personal trainer who's waiting for you at the gym. Or you might join a book club that discusses a chapter every week. Since humans naturally are social creatures who care about the opinions of other humans, accountability can help us stick to a habit. Personally, I have a meditation buddy with whom I chat with once a week about how our meditation sessions went over the past week. Accountability doesn't even have to be human. A habit streak tracker is a form of accountability too. I remember doing a 21-day no complaint challenge , and from the beginning I knew I wanted to write a blog article on it to share with my friends, so that was a form of accountability too. 1.8 Optimize your environment Humans are heavily influenced by our environment. In this context, environment includes our physical and mental environment, as well as the people we surround ourselves with. Let's take the example of eating healthier. For the physical environment, we should eliminate junk food from the house and replace them with healthy snacks. That way, treating ourselves to junk snacks isn't even an option anymore. For our mental environment, we should eliminate reading about delicious junk food or unfollow people on social media who post delicious junk food. Instead, we can follow people who post delicious healthy food. For the people we surround ourselves with, we should avoid people (to the degree that we can) who eat unhealthily and spend more time with people who eat healthily. In fact, research shows that if your close friend becomes obese, the likelihood of you becoming obese increases by 57%! Surrounding ourselves with helpful people and environment cannot be overlooked. Part 2: How to Break a Bad Habit Now that we've talked about building a new habit, the next topic that we probably all need help with is breaking existing bad habits. If you can't think of a bad habit you want to break, you can consider these common new year's resolutions: Eat less junk food Drink less alcohol Watch less TV Quit smoking Play less video games Where as good habits are like flowers that we want in our garden, bad habits are like weeds that we don't want. Furthermore, just like how weeds tend to stubborn and persistent in their growth, bad habits tend to be deeply ingrained because we've been doing them for so long. Therefore, it's important to treat ourselves with patience and kindness when facing a bad habit. Image Source Jay Shetty, author of Think Like a Monk , gives an excellent 7-step process for changing bad habits: Acknowledge that the bad habit served you well at one point Understand your motivation and move up the motivation ladder Know every single trigger Remove the triggers that you can Create if-then rules for the triggers you cannot remove Have someone you can call if you're about to fail Replace lower tastes with higher tastes Let's go through these steps with examples. Step 1: Acknowledge that the bad habit served you well at one point When we realize a bad habit is hurting us, we might try to push it away with a lot of force. But that pushing away is still a form of attachment; our hand is still on it. Hating something and liking something are both a form of attachment; they are two sides of the same coin. If we can acknowledge that this behavior was useful for me at one point in the past, but it no longer serves me now, then we can gently open our palms and let it go. For example, I used to play a lot of video games. I used to feel bad about wasting so much time in the past on video games. But that negative emotion is still a form of attachment, and attachment makes us unhappy and stressed. When I am stressed, I am more likely to do bad habits like playing video games. After hearing Jay's advice, I realized that video games served me well when I had a lot of free time and didn't know any better ways to use my time. Now that I know better, I should let go of that past habit just like letting go of my old clothes that are too small for me now. It is a natural and relieving feeling, not a forceful feeling. Step 2: Understand your motivation and move up the motivation ladder If we want to stay motivated to changing a habit in the long-term, we must do it out of our own free choice. We must not feel like we are forcing ourselves to do something we don't want to do. If we feel forced, then we will be unhappy and eventually stop trying. For example, let's say you want to replace junk food with healthy food. You don't need to think of it as " I need to stop eating junk food, " or " I can't eat junk food anymore. " That just feels like you're restricting yourself, which will make you feel unhappy, and then when you're unhappy you'll eat more junk food. Instead, frame it as, " I choose to live a healthy lifestyle so that I can set a good example for my family and grow old to see my grandchildren and not be a sick burden to my family. " In his book Think Like a Monk , Jay explains that we are motivated by four motivations: fear, desire, duty, and love. Fear is the lowest, love is the highest. It is hard for us to jump from fear to love, so we need to move up the ladder one step at a time. Jay gives the example of himself trying to eat healthier. He loves fried foods. But he learned how harmful fried foods are. That gave him fear. Then he desired visible results, so that motivated him to keep eat healthier. Then he thought about his duty to his family to be healthy. Then he thought about how much he loves his family and his body and how eating healthy is a way to show them love. Step 3: Know every single trigger. Jay gives the analogy of playing Mario. The first few times you play, you lose because you get caught by traps. As you keep trying, you take note of every single trap along the way to your goal. Then you can finally succeed by avoiding or dodging all the traps. The same is true for our bad habits. We all have triggers for our bad habits. We need to write down every single one. For example, Jay realized a common trigger for him was getting hungry at the studio. Then he would just eat whatever unhealthy snacks were available. For me, I often played video games as a way to take a break after doing some work. A very common trigger for bad habits is stress. I remember in the past, whenever I got really stressed, I just wanted to go play some video games for a while. It was a way for me to distract myself temporarily and forget about my worries. The problem is, afterwards, I still have to deal with my problems, and the procrastination often made them worse. Therefore, if we have bad habits, it's highly possible that there's some major stress in our lives that we're suppressing, and we need to improve our stress management abilities and respond in healthy ways. Step 4: Remove the triggers that you can For example, Jay and his wife changed the snack drawer in their home to only have healthy snacks. That way whenever he wanted a snack, it was impossible for him to eat anything unhealthy. Jay also gave the example of a friend who was trying to quit pornography, and that person blocked all the websites on his computer and phone, making it nearly impossible for him to commit the bad behavior. Step 5: Create if-then rules for triggers that you cannot remove For example, Jay decided to carry about a packet of dried dates and nuts. If he gets hungry at the studio, he would eat that healthy snack instead of anything unhealthy available at the studio. Step 6: Have someone you can call if you're about to fail This one is really interesting and useful. Essentially, calling that person helps to break our habit cycle. They can intervene and remind us of our goal and why we want to quit that bad habit. The fact that they gave us a pep talk will also motivate us to not disappoint them. Step 7: Replace lower tastes with higher tastes I really like the phrasing of this. If we simply try to remove a bad habit but don't replace it with something better, we probably won't succeed. But when we see our bad habit as a low taste, and we see a healthier habit as a higher taste, we will naturally prefer the higher taste. In Atomic Habits , James Clear explains that habits are actually a four-step loop: cue, craving, response, reward. Image Source For example, I used to crave sweets like candy and chocolate. My triggers (cues) include getting hungry between meals or getting stressed. My old response was to eat unhealthy snacks (lower taste). The reward is I feel pleasure and not hungry anymore. Then I change the response from unhealthy snacks to healthy snacks like sweet dates and nuts. At first, these health snacks didn't give me the same pleasure high (reward) as unhealthy snacks, but over time, I've come to prefer and enjoy the healthier snacks more. I became accustomed to the higher tastes and don't have any desire to return to the lower tastes. To give another example, playing video games is a low taste, and the reward is stress relief. Reading literature is a higher taste. Although at first it doesn't seem as enjoyable as playing video games, after I got accustomed to the new taste, I like it a lot better than the lower taste. Now, I would rather read and write over play video games. I have learned to seek meaningful joy (higher taste) over mindless entertainment (lower taste). Now that we've learned about starting new habits and replacing old ones, let's talk about some other useful tips for habit change. Part 3: Other Tips for Habit Change In her book Better Than Before , Gretchen Rubin explains 21 different tips for habit change. Many of them have been covered by this article already, but here are some of her other tips that I found to be highly useful: Clean Slate Lightning Bolts Clarity Safeguards Abstainer vs. Moderator The Four Tendencies 3.1 Clean Slate When we get a fresh start in life, it's often easier to let go of past habits and start new ones. Examples include a new year, a new school year, a new season, a birthday, a new job, a new relationship, or a new home. Take advantage of these new beginnings to start healthy habits and replace unhealthy ones. 3.2 Lightning Bolts Lightning bolts refer to when we encounter some new idea or information that suddenly makes it easy to change a habit. It's rare, but if it does happen, we should use it to our advantage. For example, some people become vegan overnight after watching a certain documentary that really moved them (again, rare, but possible). In one of the Doctor in The House episodes, the family was able to suddenly switch their entire diet from junk food into healthier food because they found out the mother got Type 2 Diabetes, which she had been fearing for a long time. Personally, when I was sick with a skin illness, and then I found out dairy and eggs is likely related to it, it was easy for me to give them up even though I really enjoyed dairy and eggs prior. 3.3 Clarity The more clear we are on why we want to do a habit, the more motivated we will be to do. For example, if you just say you want to lose weight, that is not very clear. But if you say you want to lose 10 pounds in 2 months because you want to feel more energetic throughout the day and fit in some old clothes, then your motivation is much more clear. We also need to be clear about what exactly we should do. For example, don't just say I will exercise more. Be specific about what exercise, when, and how often. For example, I heard B.J. Fogg, author of Tiny Habits , say that he created a habit where after he uses the toilet, he would do at least 2 push-ups. If he felt like doing more, he could, but he would do at least 2. That was extremely clear and specific. 3.4 Safeguards Safeguards are about anticipating what might make you go off track and then creating an IF-THEN rule to prevent yourself from going off-track. We talked about this in part 2 about changing bad habits, but this point is so important that it deserved to be stated again. For example, let's say you want to avoid junk food and eat healthier. You need to anticipate what might make you eat junk food. What if while hanging out with your friends, you pass by a café with lots of sweet snacks and drinks? You can create an IF-THEN rule " IF I end up at a café, THEN I will order a green tea instead of a sugary drink, and I will order their fruit platter instead of their sugary baked goods. " Then if the situation actually arises, you won't be caught off guard. Another example, " IF I am so busy that I forgot to do my 5 minutes of exercise today, THEN I will do 10 push-ups when I go write in my journal before bed. " Fortunately, this never happened to me, which shows that I did a good job setting up the habit. 3.5 Abstainer versus Moderator When facing strong temptations, it's easier for Abstainers to just abstain all together; it's very hard for them to indulge in moderation. On the other hand, Moderators do better if they can indulge just a little bit; it's very hard for them to abstain completely. For example, when it comes to eating less junk snacks, an Abstainer would do better to just not eat any chocolate at all. Ever. If they eat a little piece of chocolate, they end up eating the entire chocolate bar. On the other hand, Moderators do better if they can eat a little piece of chocolate once in a while; they won't feel the need to eat the whole bar. It's useful to know which one you are. 3.6 The Four Tendencies In her book, The Four Tendencies , Gretchen Rubin explains that there are four personalities according to how people respond to outer expectations (from other people) and inner expectations (from yourself). Upholders — readily meet outer and inner expectations Questioners — readily meet inner expectations only Obligers — readily meet outer expectations only Rebels — resists outer and inner expectations Each personality forms habits differently. Upholders form habits quite easily. Questioners must be very clear on why they want to do the habit, otherwise it won't stick. Obligers must have outer accountability, such as someone they're reporting to, someone to do the habit with, or someone they're setting a role model for. If it's only themselves that want to do something, they most likely won't succeed. Rebels hate the idea of self-restriction, so the habit needs to align with their authentic self-expression. For example, rather than exercising because they "should" exercise, they would do it because it aligns with their identity of who they want to be. The Four Tendencies is one of the most useful things I've ever learned, and I summarize it in depth in this article . Conclusion “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” — Will Durant Photo by Samuel Scrimshaw on Unsplash In modern society, we are all busy people with limited time and energy, working hard to improve our lives. When it comes to where we can spend our energy, optimizing our habits is one of those few things that could really make a drastic difference in our life. Most of us probably tried changing our habits in the past, but it didn't stick because we didn't do it well. Hopefully, from this article, you now realize why your past efforts didn't work and what you can do differently this time to improve your habits!

Whether you’re a student in school or a student of life, the ability to read and learn is a key skill. Harry Truman said, “Not all readers are leaders, but all leaders are readers.” Warren Buffet said, “Read 500 pages…every day. That’s how knowledge works. It builds up, like compound interest. All of you can do it, but I guarantee not many of you will do it.” Walt Disney said, “There is more treasure in books than in all the pirate’s loot on Treasure Island.” Unfortunately, our school system doesn’t teach us how to read effectively. As a teacher, I know many students often complain about having too much reading to do. That’s why I decided to take the Kwik Reading course from Jim Kwik, a world-renowned brain coach. The program taught me how to read faster while also increasing comprehension. I sure wish I had taken this program when I was a student! In this article, I summarize the key things I learned to help you improve your reading speed and comprehension. Key Ideas: Think FAST Use a Visual Pacer Indent Reduce Eye Fixations Reduce Subvocalization Practice the 4-3-2-1 Speed Drill Skim Before Reading Ask Questions Before Reading The first six key ideas are for increasing reading speed. The last two are for increasing comprehension. Many people think reading faster automatically means reduced comprehension, but that's false. When we read faster properly, we have more focus, which means our comprehension actually increases. Key Idea 1: Think FAST Fast means forget, active, state, and teach. Forget : When reading, we need to forget about our distractions and focus on reading. We also need to forget our limitations (like “Oh I’m not a fast reader”). Active : We should read with energy. To increase our reading speed, we need to practice daily, just like going to the gym. State (emotion) : The fastest learners are children, and it’s because they bring a great state towards learning. We need to bring out a state of excitement, wonder, and interest to learn faster and better. Teach : When you learn with the intention of teaching, you pay more careful attention. When you teach, you get to clarify your understanding. If you have no one to teach, talk to your wall. Key Idea 2: Use a Visual Pacer The two common visual pacers are a pen or your index finger. Have you ever noticed that children naturally use their finger to follow along the words on a page when they first learn to ready? It’s a great thing to do because it helps our eyes focus and not get lost on the page. If we get lost, we end up having to go back and re-read things, which greatly slows down our reading speed. A couple tips on using visual pacers: Instead of bending your finger along the page, move your whole arm. That’s less tiring. Don’t bend your body down to read a book flat on the table. Instead, sit upright and tilt the book. When you sit upright, your lungs can open, so you can breathe better and be more focused. Key Idea 3: Indent Most people when they read, the go from the very left of the line to the very right. But we have peripheral vision . That means we can start a little bit away from the left and end a little bit away from the right. That will increase your reading speed. Example: The more you practice using your peripheral vision, the better it gets, which means you can indent even more with practice. To improve our peripheral vision, we can use put our index finger out in front of our nose, and then trace the ∞ symbol. Use your eyes to follow your finger without moving your head. Jim Kwik recommends we do that for a minute before reading to warm up our peripheral vision. Key Idea 4: Eye Fixations Most people drag their finger along the entire line and read each word in the line. This results in our eyes making many stops or “ fixations ” along the line. Each stop takes time. To increase our reading speed, we can reduce the number of stops by using our peripheral vision. In other words, we don’t need to read one word at a time. We can train ourselves to see and read groups of words at a time. For example, when we see the word “hot dog”, we don’t need to think “ oh hot and dog together is the food that people eat. ” We automatically see it as one word. The same can be said for “New York City”. We don’t read the three words separately; we see it as one word. With practice, we can learn to see groups of words all the time. In order to practice this, simply take your book page and divide equally using 3 or 4 lines depending on how wide your page is. Here is an example: Put three dots at the top of your page to divide the page into equal thirds. Then imagine vertical lines from those dots all the way down. Then when you use your finger, don’t drag along the whole line. Instead, jump to those three dots. This limits your fixations to just three stops. Key Idea 5: Reduce Subvocalization Subvocalization is your inner voice reading to yourself. If you have to say each of the words, then your reading speed is limited to your talking speed instead of your thinking speed. Speed readers who can read 600+ words per minute have little subvocalization. You don’t have to pronounce words to understand them. 95% of words are sight words, which means you know them by sight not sound. Also, a lot of words are just filler words (e.g., and, there, the). As your reading speed gets faster, you will want to reduce subvocalization. One technique to reduce subvocalization is to say “1-2-3” while reading. You can say it inside of your head or out loud. At the beginning, it’ll be hard, and your comprehension will drop. But with practice, you’ll get used to it. Jim Kwik said this technique is optional since when we start speeding up the reading, subvocalization will naturally reduce. You will never totally eliminate subvocalization, nor do you necessarily want to. It’s also appropriate to subvocalize if you are reading information that is unfamiliar to you or if it’s really technical information. For example, students reading a textbook will probably find it appropriate to slow down and subvocalize when they come across important information. Key Idea 6: Practice the 4-3-2-1 Drill For muscle growth, we have to stretch and stabilize. Same for our reading skills. The 4-3-2-1 drill is like lifting weights for your reading muscle. Here’s how it works. First, read your book for 4 minutes. Mark where you started and ended. That’s your running track. We’re going to run that track 3 more times. Second, re-read that same track, but this time, finish it in 3 minutes. It’s fine for comprehension to drop. We’re practicing speed. Third, re-read that same track, but this time, finish it in 2 minutes. Keep using your finger as a visual pacer. You have permission to skip lines. Fourth, re-read that same track, but this time, finish it in 1 minute. Again, your eyes must follow your finger, and your finger must cross that finish line in 1 minute. It’s essentially scanning not reading, but that’s fine. We’re training your mind to not just read faster but also think faster. After doing this 4-3-2-1 drill, you can go back to reading as “normal”, but what you’ll notice is that your normal speed is much faster than before you did the 4-3-2-1 drill. Your reading muscles got stronger. This exercise is the main exercise we need to practice to greatly improve our reading speed. In the 21-day reading program, Jim Kwik had students practice it daily. Key Idea 7: Skim Before Reading Some researchers conduced a study where one group read something twice, while another group skimmed and then read it. Can you guess which group did better on a test? The group who skimmed first! Why? Skimming lets you get an overview first When you skim, you don’t get all the answers you want. You get confused. You ask questions. Then when you read it, you find all the answers. When we skim, we want to create confusion and even panic in our minds. Then when you read it, you will find answers. This also saves time compared to reading something twice. Ways to Skim: Take your finger and just go right down through the page. You miss a lot of peripheral vision but you get the key words. Use your finger and go through a Z or S shape on the page. Read 1 line forward then 1 line backward. When skimming, you can look at the pictures, diagrams, subtitles, and keywords. These will help raise questions in your head. Skimming should be very, very fast. If you skim too slow, it becomes reading not skimming. Key Idea 8: Ask Questions Before Reading When you skim, you’ll naturally think of some questions. Skim through all the pictures first. You might ask yourself what those pictures are about. Look at all the headings. You can turn headings into questions. For example, if a heading says “Photosynthesis”, you might ask, “What is photosynthesis? Why should I care?” If you’re a student and the teacher assigned you a reading, the teacher probably also assigned reading questions. Read through all the questions first. Skim through the reading and have a guess and where the answers might be. Then, when you read, you will be more focused because you’re looking for answers as opposed to just trying to ingest everything on the page. If you're not sure what questions to ask, here are some good questions you can always ask when reading non-fiction: Why did the author write this book? (when reading the introduction) What are the main ideas here? How can this be useful in my life? Summary Video Although I took a paid-course on speed reading, there's actually a great 9-minute video by Tim Ferriss on how to speed read. It talks about most of the things I learned in the course. Conclusion Reading is a skill. If you know the proper technique, you can get better instantly. Some easy techniques are to use your finger, indent, and reduce eye fixations. Reading is also like a muscle. If you work out a muscle, it becomes stronger. You can work out your reading muscle using the 4-3-2-1 drill once a day. To improve your reading comprehension, skim beforehand and note down some questions. One important thing to be careful about is that we shouldn’t feel rushed or anxious when we are reading, as if we are trying to just finish as soon as possible. We learn these techniques to improve our focus. In this way, we read faster while also improving comprehension. Now that you know how to read better, the most important thing is to go and practice! Once you see your reading ability improve, I hope you will enjoy reading and be a life long learner. As Dr. Seuss said, “The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.”

This weekend is Dia de los Muertos (or Day of the Dead) in Mexican culture, and I watched the film Coco (2017) in celebration. I think it is a very heartwarming film suitable for all audiences, and it also won the Best Animated Film award in 2017.   Image Source In this article, I will give a brief summary of the film (spoiler alert) and share my learnings and reflections.   Part 1: Summary Miguel is a young boy from the Rivera family in a small town called Santa Cecilia. The Rivera family is a family of shoemakers, but Miguel has always felt a calling to be a musician. However, his family shuns music and forbids Miguel from having anything to do with music. Despite this, Miguel built a secret shed where he watched videos from his music idol, the famous Ernesto de la Cruz, and taught himself to play the guitar.   One day, on the Day of the Dead, Miguel accidentally shattered a picture frame of his great-great grandparents. In the picture, his great-great grandfather's head was torn off. When he picked up the picture, he discovered that it was folded on the right side, and when he unfolded it, he saw his great-great grandfather was holding a guitar. And not just any guitar, it was the famous white guitar of Ernesto de la Cruz.     Excited about this discovery, he then announces to his family that he's going to follow in the footsteps of his great-great grandfather and become a musician. Unfortunately, Miguel's family still didn't approve. His dad said, "We've never known anything about that man. But whoever he was, he still abandoned his family."   His grandma said, "That man's music was a curse! You want to end up like that man? Forgotten? Left off your family ofrenda (altar)?"   Miguel said, "I don't care if I'm on some stupid ofrenda!"   His grandma then got furious and broke Miguel's guitar. Miguel cried and ran away with the words "I don't want to be in this family!"   Miguel ran to the town square in hopes of joining the talent show that night to debut as a musician. However, he needed a guitar, and none of the musicians there would lend him one. He then remembered that de la Cruz's guitar is on display in his shrine, and he decided to go "borrow" (steal) it. When he took the guitar and strummed it, it activated a curse that transported him into the Land of the Dead. As a result, he could see visiting skeletons, and living humans couldn't see him anymore.   Miguel runs into his ancestors who are shocked to see him alive but in the Land of the Dead.     They then take him to Imelda, his great-great grandmother who couldn't cross over to the Land of the Living because Miguel took the picture of his great-great grandparents off the ofrenda. A staff member at the Department of Family Reunion tells him that in order for Miguel to return to the Land of the Living, a family member must give him a blessing.   Imelda then offers her blessing on the condition that Miguel never plays music in the future. Imelda hates her husband for abandoning her with a child to raise because he wanted to chase his dream of being a musician, which is why the whole Rivera family hates music. Miguel agrees, is transported back to the Land of the Living, and then immediately breaks his promise and takes the guitar. As a result, he gets transported back to the Land of the Dead, and Imelda is very angry at him.   Miguel realizes that he needs the blessing of a family member who would let him play music, and the only person who can do that is Ernesto de la Cruz, so he runs off in search of de la Cruz. He runs into a skeleton named Hector who wants to go to the Land of the Living to see his daughter, but no one put up his photo on an ofrenda, so he cannot go. Hector knows de la Cruz, so they made a deal: Hector will help Miguel find de la Cruz, and in return, Miguel will put up a picture of Hector on an ofrenda.   After a series of challenges and adventures, Miguel finally reaches de la Cruz. When de la Cruz was about to give Miguel his blessing, Hector arrives at the scene and reminds Miguel to take his photo to the Land of the Living. However, de la Cruz is unhappy about this, which Hector and Miguel finds really strange. Hector and Miguel then find out that de la Cruz poisoned Hector to steal his songs. De La Cruz, fearing that they might ruin his reputation, then throws Hector and Miguel into a deep ditch.   Inside the ditch, Hector says that he wishes he could see his daughter one last time to tell her how much he loves her, but his daughter is forgetting him, and if she forgets him, Hector will disappear from the Land of the Dead, and he'll never have a chance to see his daughter Coco again. Miguel then realizes that Hector is his true great-great grandfather because Coco is his great grandmother. Moreover, Hector didn't abandon his family. On the contrary, he was trying to go home and chose his family over music, but it was his partner Ernesto de la Cruz who poisoned him and prevented him from going home.   Soon after, Imelda and her spirit guide arrives to save them, they expose the truth about de la Cruz, and Miguel returns to the land of the living and tells the truth to his family. He plays a song for Coco, and Coco then remembers her dad and takes out a photo she kept of him. Coco also said to the whole family that her dad was a musician, and when she was a little girl, he and mama would sing beautiful songs for her. From then on, the family lifted the ban on music, and everyone commemorated Hector Rivera instead of Ernesto de la Cruz.   Part 2: Learnings and Reflections   1: The Importance of Ancestral Remembrance I got interested in Day of the Dead because it is about ancestral remembrance, which is a very big deal in Confucianism and Chinese culture. In the Analects of Confucius , one of Confucius's students named Master Zeng said, "Attend to funeral matters conscientiously and hold memorial ceremonies with longing. In this way, the virtues of the people will return to abundance." (Original Text: 慎終追遠，民德歸厚矣。)   Confucianism teaches that out of all virtues, filiality (being a good child) is the first and most important. The core of filiality is gratitude towards parents. When we are grateful for our parents, we would naturally love, respect them, and want to make them happy. When we can respect our parents, we can then respect our siblings and other elders outside the family. When we can respect our siblings, we can then respect peers outside the family.   The thing is, no parent would feel comfortable telling their children, "You should be grateful to me. You should love and respect me. Do you have any idea how difficult it was to give birth to you and then raise you?"   Besides, filiality and goodness can't be demanded or forced out of someone. Children learn from adults' role modeling. If the parents are very filial towards the grandparents and ancestors, the children will naturally learn to be filial to the parents.   Thus we see the importance and value of festivals like Qingming Festival and Day of the Dead. On these festivals, children see all the adults and other children paying respects to ancestors and elders in the family. As a result, children would naturally absorb the idea that respecting the people who came before us is right and important.   In Chinese culture, people have an altar where they put up pictures or name plates of ancestors. On certain holidays (most notably Qingming Festival), they make offerings of food, flowers, incense, candle lights, etc.   Image Source Chinese people also visit ancestral tombs to clean them, remove weeds, make repairs, etc. People also bow or prostrate to the altar and tombstone as a way to show their reverence and gratitude towards ancestors.   I always thought ancestral remembrance is an eastern culture thing, so when I found out that Mexican culture does it too, I naturally wanted to learn about their version of ancestral remembrance.   Mexican culture is very similar. People also have an altar with pictures of ancestors. On Day of the Dead, they make offerings of their ancestors' favorite food and items that were important to ancestors (e.g., a favorite book or instrument). The altar also has flowers and candle light.   Image Source Mexican people also visit ancestral tombstones to clean, sing songs, and talk to their ancestors as if their spirits were there. It's so cool to see all the similarities between the two cultures' version of ancestral remembrance!   2: Family First A strong theme in the film was the conflict that Miguel faced between chasing his dreams of becoming a musician and his family's wishes for him to become a shoemaker and to stay away from music.   At one point in the movie, his great-great grandmother Imelda says to him,  "I'm trying to save you."   Miguel replies, "No! You're ruining my life. Music is the only thing that makes me happy, and you just want to take that away. You'll never understand!"   Imelda then starts singing.   Miguel asks, "I thought you hated music."   Imelda explains that she used to love music and singing with her husband. But after they had Coco, she wanted to put down roots, while he wanted to play for the world. They both made sacrifices to get what they want, and Miguel needs to make a choice.   Miguel responds, "I don't want to pick sides. Why can't you be on my side? That's what family is supposed to do. Support you. But you never will."  Miguel then runs off again.   This scene resonated a lot with me. I remember in my early twenties, I had a lot of conflict with my mother. I wanted to make some big decisions, but she didn't support me. In western culture, I was taught that I am responsible for my life, so I must make my own decisions. Regardless if I'm happy or not afterwards, the only person responsible is myself. Thus, I chose to listen to myself instead of my mother, and we had a lot of conflict and tension.   Later, I learned about Confucianism and filiality, and that to make parents unhappy is very immoral. After all, they sacrificed so much to raise us, how could we bear to intentionally make them upset and ignore their feelings? Moreover, from the perspective of karma, being unfilial creates a lot of negative karma, and I indeed encountered a lot of hardship during that time. After I decided to change and mend the relationship with my mother, things started to get better. I became happier and healthier.   Confucianism teaches that the parent-child relationship is the foundation for all other relationships. If we have any trouble with our relationships, we should look to the parent-child relationship to see if we have the same problem there.   For example, if we argue with our spouse, colleagues, or bosses about something, chances are we would do the same to our parents. If we can't even harmonize with our parents, who gave us more than we could ever repay, and who we should naturally love, how could we possibly harmonize with anyone else? This is also why conflict with parents is inherently draining and painful. People can try to distract themselves from that guilt, but it'll always be there in the background sapping away energy. I believe that if Miguel truly sacrificed family for music, he would have guilt in the back of his mind because everyone has a moral conscience.   3: Everyone Needs to Learn Conflict Resolution Although we should put family first, that doesn't mean we have to sacrifice ourselves and just blindly do everything our family demands. What I learned in western culture still holds true: only we alone can take responsibility for our decisions and our life. This concept does not conflict with putting family first.   If we want something and our family wants something else, what do we do? We patiently communicate until there is common understanding. When we truly understand them and they truly understand us, we'll naturally reach a shared agreement, and then we can go with that decision with a peaceful conscience.   What we don't want to do is copy what Miguel and his grandmother did (get angry, speak hurtful words, break guitars, run away from home…). At the root is our attitude. We shouldn't oppose our family, as if they are our enemies. We should remember that our family naturally loves us, and although they might not agree with us in terms of the matter, their goal is for our long-term wellbeing. Our goal is also for our long-term wellbeing, which means we have the same goal, and we are on the same team, so harmony is definitely possible.   In Miguel's case, he is only a child, and his elders are quite stubborn and controlling, so it's quite hard for Miguel to persuade them, but it's not impossible. It just takes time and sincerity. If he worked hard to fulfill his family's wishes and becomes a great shoemaker, his family would become very proud of him and trust him. When he has his family's admiration and trust, and then he questions about the rationale for banning music, he would have more persuasive power.   Perhaps the family says, "Because your great-great grandfather was a musician and he abandoned this family, so music is a curse to our family."     Miguel could reply, "I completely agree that abandoning the family for music is morally unacceptable. But I don't understand why music is a curse. I see lots of musicians out there who take good care of their family. Music is a big part of our people's culture. Is it possible that we might be creating unnecessary suffering for ourselves by trying to keep music away? Also, if my great-great grandpa was a bad role model for musicians, then if I become a good role model for musicians, wouldn't that be making up for his mistakes?"   Perhaps one conversation might not be enough, but as long as Miguel remains patient, sincere, and considerate towards the family, eventually his family would realize that they are being irrational and unfair to Miguel.   From the perspective of the elders in the family, they should also be more considerate towards Miguel. No kids likes to make their parents upset. No kid thinks it's a happy thing to hate your family so much that you'd want to run away. How did this all happen? Because the adults were too demanding and made the child feel suffocated.   Again, we shouldn't have the attitude of "it's either my way or your way". Instead, we should focus on understanding each other, on why each person wants what they want, and then see if there are other options that can help everyone get what they want.   I can understand that the family believes music is cursed and will bring back luck to the family, hence why they don't want Miguel to touch music. But they have to have the empathy to see that Miguel is just a child, and he doesn't view music as a curse. If they don't want Miguel to touch music, they have to help Miguel also see that music is a curse. Simply forcing him to not touch music isn't enough. In fact, it would just make him seek music in secret when they're not looking.   Perhaps they could share stories of many bad musician role models who were irresponsible to their family, and this is why they don't want Miguel to spend time with musicians. Or they share stories of how the family has encountered all sorts of bad luck whenever they touched music. In this way, Miguel won't feel like the family is unreasonable. Of course, if the family can't find any good reasons, then they should reflect on whether or not they are being unreasonable.   Also, when Miguel grows up, the family should respect Miguel's autonomy more. He is the driver of his life. His family members are support roles. It would be inappropriate for someone in the passenger seat to grab the wheel from the driver. If his family still forced Miguel to do things that he really doesn't want to do when he is an adult, that's not called love, that's called being controlling, and Miguel would resent them for it.   Relating back to ourselves, we have to do our role well, not demand others to do their roles well. If we are the child and our family isn't supportive, we need to be sincere, earn their trust, and communicate patiently. If we are the elders and our children aren't listening, then we should reflect on ourselves: Are we being too demanding and controlling? How can we help them feel heard and understood?   4: The Importance of Being A Good Role Model When Miguel ran off with Hector, Hector put some make-up on Miguel to look like a skeleton. That way, no one would know he's from the Land of the Living. Then there was a short scene where Miguel was copying Hector's walking style.   Hector said, "What are you doing?"   Miguel said, "I'm walking like a skeleton."   Hector said, "Skeletons don't walk like that."   Miguel said, "It's how you walk."   Hector said, "No I don't. Stop it!"     In actuality, Hector indeed walked like that. It reminds of the saying, "Kids don't do what their parents say. They do what their parents do."   Miguel's family might be upset at Miguel for being so rash, stubborn, and running away from them. But how did Miguel develop that kind of personality? Where did Miguel learn those traits? Isn't it from the elders in the family? We also saw how stubborn and quick-tempered his grandma was. So if they want Miguel to be more humble and understanding, they need to model that behavior for Miguel.   Miguel was also heavily influenced by his hero, Ernesto de la Cruz, who said things like, "I have to play. I have to sing. The music, it's not just in me, it is me", "The rest of the world may follow the rules, but I must follow my heart", "I am done asking for permission. When you see your moment, you mustn't let it pass you by. You must seize it."     Miguel often watched and re-watched tapes of de la Cruz saying these things, so he would often think these same thoughts. It's because of him that Miguel would value music over his family and not care about rules or getting permission. From the perspective of karma, Miguel has the main responsibility for listening to de la Cruz, but de la Cruz also has some responsibility for misguiding an ignorant child to be unfilial towards his family.   The thing with bad influences is that a lot of the things they say seem good, but there's a small portion that is improper and deadly. It's like how a glass of water only needs a drop of poison to be poisonous. Therefore, we need to be very careful when judging if someone is a good or bad role model.   In the case of de la Cruz, he said some reasonable things like, "I had to have faith in my dream. No one was going to hand it to me. It was up to me to reach for it and make it come true."  But the other improper things he said make him a bad influence regardless of the good things he said.   Relating back to us, we need to be very cautious about our own role models and the role models of our children. Bad role models taint our thinking. Our thoughts determine our actions, and our actions determine our life. Thus, prolonged exposure to bad role models would eventually bring disaster.   Conclusion I really enjoyed watching Coco, not just for the beautiful animations, but for all the food-for-thought that the film offers. These are just my learnings and reflections, and I'm sure there are many others. If you have any other life lessons you took away from the film, I'd love to hear about them. Lastly, thank you to ancestors for all that you've done for our family lineage, and happy Dia de los Muertos to everyone! Weekly Wisdom #366