But if we want to steer relationships towards a better direction, then we need to role model making respectful

Have ever encountered an awkward conflict and not know what to do? That happened to me this past week, and I saw my mentor handle it really smoothly. Image Source: Wix AI Every week, I attend an online Chinese philosophy discussion class with a small group of people. Usually, one person shares a problem they are facing and what they've done to try to solve it, and then the MC guides everyone to discuss the problem together. At the end, our teacher and mentor gives feedback to all our discussed ideas.   This past week was supposed to be my turn to share. That day, I was really tired because I had another presentation as well, and I even had a headache. But I decided I can't pull out last minute, as that'd be too little notice, so I endured my headache and went. To my surprise, there was a new person, and the MC recognized this person. The MC said, "Oh today we have a special guest! We've worked together 3 years ago. It's been such a long time! Let's have him speak a few words."   The MC just wanted him to introduce himself, but he misinterpreted the MC's meaning to mean share about his entire situation and any problems he's facing in life, so he was rather nervous and said, "Seriously? Can you give me some time to prepare?"   The MC said, "Sure,"  and then she talked a bit about other things. Then she invited the guest again. When the guest started speaking, I realized that he thinks he needs to do a full sharing that would take up the time I was supposed to have. I messaged the MC asking, "Am I still sharing today…?"  She replied, "I think he misunderstood my meaning…"   I messaged, "It's OK. It's a rare opportunity for him to get guidance from our mentor. I'll let him have this opportunity today." This worked out to be quite a serendipity because I also had a headache that day, so I was thankful that he unintentionally took my place.   After he shared his story and problems, he said he hopes to get to know everyone and learn from us. The MC asked us if we had any thoughts on what he had shared. No one raised their hand. The MC then asked us to all introduce ourselves to him. Clearly, she was off her game that night; after all, it's rather strange that everyone should introduce themselves to this one new person, but our teacher didn't say anything.   After our self-introductions, the MC then asked the guest to talk more about his job. He replied, "Seriously? We haven't seen each other in three years, and this is how you treat me?"   The MC replied, "It's precisely because I haven't seen you in so long that I want to hear you share more."   At this point, the awkwardness and tension had reached its peak. I had no idea how we could dissolve the tension. Then our teacher stepped in and said, "I think maybe I should speak a few words now. I'm actually pretty happy that they are so excited to see each other again. It's like when you haven't seen a family member for a long time, and then you finally see them again, and you're so excited that you forget how to MC. This is the family culture that we often advocate in Chinese philosophy. I hope everyone feels at home here. And even though each of you may leave here temporarily for personal reasons, know that we'll always welcome you back just like family. As for whether or not you'll be asked to share the first day you're back, that'll depend on the MC."   After my mentor said that, everyone laughed, and the tension was gone. My mentor then added,  "We all need to inspect ourselves frequently: am I living consciously or habitually? In the past, our discussion class was always the same routine. Today, that routine was broken, and our MC struggled to adapt. So we need to all practice living more consciously, which would then allow us to adapt to new situations better. I also think today's discussion is more interesting. Having some unexpected challenge adds spice and excitement, don't you think?"   The rest of the discussion then continued pretty smoothly. After the class was over, I thought the MC might feel really embarrassed about her mess up and keep replaying it in her mind, so I messaged her saying, "Just in case you feel embarrassed about today’s MCing, I am actually quite thankful for it because I got to see how our mentor saves an awkward situation. Also, if I were in your situation, I’d be the same, if not worse. And everyone’s busy thinking about other stuff now, so hope you don’t keep worrying about it."   She replied, "Thanks. This was a good test for my cultivation. Obviously I still need to improve my ability to remain calm in the face of surprises and my adaptability."   Post-Reflection Afterwards, I contemplated why my mentor was able to save that awkward situation. What do you think? I think it's because he always tries to interpret other people's intentions positively. Indeed, the MC didn't have any negative intentions, she was just nervous. By explaining her actions with positive intentions to the audience, people suddenly viewed her in better light.   This principle is widely applicable to daily life. Just this past week, I encountered two classmates slightly arguing about something and then being unhappy. I could've said something like, "Oh you guys really care about each other's opinions so that's why you would try so hard to communicate. Communication is not easy, and taking a break is helpful."   Another time, after a classmate delivered a presentation, I said, "Nice job!"  She said, "No it was mediocre."  I said, "Well no matter how hard we try, we'll always have some mistakes. We need to judge ourselves based on our effort, not the result."  She replied, "But despite my effort, the result is still mediocre."   At this point, I didn't know what to say, so I just didn't say anything. Looking back, the reason I was at a loss for words is because I didn't try to interpret her intentions positively. If I had, I would've said, "Well, I admire how strict you are with yourself, and I'm sure you'll learn and improve from this experience."   Concluding Thoughts When you encounter awkward situations or conflicts, do you try to interpret others' intentions positively? Are you living consciously more or habitually more?

we will treat people differently, which will then create results different as night and day in our relationships

we will treat people differently, which will then create results different as night and day in our relationships

Of all the relationships, the first one to harmonize should be spouses because they are at the core of This kind of relationship is bound to be harmonious and long-lasting. Children who have good relationships with their parents will be naturally able to extend the respect , we’ll have better relationships with other people, and we’ll be much happier. The most important relationship in the family is that of spouses.

conflict with my parents, but after learning traditional Chinese culture and filial piety, I feel like our relationship

If we have happy relationships, we will be happy. There is one key relationship that serves as the foundation for all your other relationships. Them: "Our relationship with parents?" Me: "Yes! Our relationship with parents is our first relationship, and we nurture our early habits in that relationship As mentioned before, our relationship with parents sets the foundation for our other relationships.

I also learned from Confucianism that the root of all our relationship problems lies in our relationships This would help me calm down and be willing to apologize because I care more about the relationship than When we have good relationships, we will have much more happiness in life.  

At my school, we take our kids out to a nearby sports park every day after lunch for recess. The sports park has a soccer field, a basketball court, mini golf, ping pong, and giant life-sized chess boards. This sports park has a few office buildings beside it, and it is open to the public.   This past Tuesday, I was on lunch duty and took the kids to the sports park with another teacher. Most of the kids were playing soccer, but one kid had a tantrum. Let's call him Joe.   Joe was looking forward to playing with the life-sized chessboard, but when we arrived, it was gone. He then started shouting and crying "IT'S NOT FAIR! YOU GUYS SAID THERE WAS A CHESSBOARD! WHERE'S THE CHESSBOARD!"   Joe is also the same kid who cried about having vegetables put on his pasta , and the school knows he overreacts to many things, so nobody paid much attention to him. But as the teacher, I couldn't just ignore him, so I tried to help him calm down.   I said to him, "Joe, please keep your voice down. We are in public. There are other people around."   He continued shouting, "BUT YOU GUYS SAID THERE WOULD BE A CHESSBOARD HERE! YOU LIED!"   His classmates replied, "Well, there WAS a chessboard here yesterday. But it's gone today. We don't know why either."   He started crying, "WHY DO THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE LIKE THAT!"   I then asked him to take deep breaths and waited for him to calm down a little. He started breathing through a paper bag and then squeezed and broke it with his hand.   After a while, I said, "OK, so there was a chessboard here yesterday, and today it's gone. Things are always changing in life, right? Have you ever told someone something, and then later you found out things changed? You didn't lie to them on purpose. Things changed and you didn't know."   He said, "But I came here for chess! Why do things have to change! I can't take it!"   I said, "Being upset doesn't help. Remember the story we read before about The Girl Who Has a Million Problems ? Who would she do?"   He said, "I don't know."   I said, "Maybe she would bring her own chessboard next time. And she would just go play soccer now."   He then started repeatedly saying, "IT'S NOT FAIR IT'S NOT FAIR IT'S NOT FAIR. I WANT CHESS NOW."   I then got annoyed and said, "What do you mean it's not fair? This park is not your park. Do you see those office buildings over there? The park belongs to them. They are generous to open it to the public. It's already a gift that we can use it. Also, please keep your voice down. If they hear you screaming, they might complain about our school, and then our school might get banned from the park because of your screaming. That would be very unfair to the school. So if you cannot be considerate of other people, then we cannot take you out for lunch recess."   He then started bawling even louder. I was at a loss for words, so I just let him cry until we went back to school.   Later in the last period of school, I was teaching Joe's class English. I prepared a story video with a worksheet.   Joe asked, "Can I have the jello that I forgot to get on Monday?"   I said, "No, I only give out jellos on Mondays when I talk about the chores that different students did at home over the past week."   He said, "But WHY. I forgot to collect it on Monday. Why can't I have it now? It's not fair!"   I then got annoyed and said, "You're right. It's not fair. Do you see any other teachers giving out jello? I spend my own money to buy these jello for students because I want to reward good behavior. But maybe I shouldn't buy any at all if students start demanding them as if they are entitled to them."   He then went silent. When I passed out a worksheet to him, he asked, "Can I not do this worksheet?"   I said, "No. Everyone is doing it."   He then started hyperventilating, crying, and saying, "I can't take it, I can't take it, I can't take it."   Other kids in the class got annoyed and said, "JOE! STOP ACTING LIKE A CRY BABY!"   I then realized I need to curb my impatience and guide the class to be patient. I told them, "OK everyone, Joe is feeling overwhelmed right now. Shouting at him is not helpful. Please give some helpful suggestions for Joe."   One student said, "How about Joe goes cry in the washroom?"   I said, "The washroom is not a nice place to tell someone to cry in."   Another student said, "What about in the counselor room next door? There are comfortable sofa chairs in there."   I said, "That's a good idea. Joe, would you like to go sit on the sofa chairs there and calm down?"   He didn't answer and just continued to whimper.   I said, "OK Joe, I'll give you two options. Option 1 is go to the counselor room next door and calm down, then come back. Option 2, if you think you can calm down here while I play the video, then you can stay. Which option do you want?"   He said, "I don't think I can get up."   I said, "OK, we'll do option 2 then."   I played the video for a few minutes, but Joe just kept crying and saying, "I can't take it. I can't take it. I can't take it." I then took Joe to the office and asked another teacher to help.   After around 15 minutes later, near the end of class, there was a knock at the door. I opened it and saw Joe with a smile on his face. The other teacher said, "Joe, what do you say?" Joe said, "Sorry" with a smile.   I was very surprised. How did Joe go from being out of control to suddenly happy in just 15 minutes? I asked Joe, "So, what happened?"   He said, "Uh I don't know. I guess I had a panic attack."   I said, "Oh. So how did you get better?"   He said with a cheeky smile, "I ate some cookies."   I was speechless. I know he loves food and takes food very seriously (which is why he had a tantrum over vegetables being put on his pasta before), but some cookies were enough to calm his panic attack? Wow.     Later after school, I asked that other teacher what she did to calm Joe down. She explained to me that at first, Joe just kept crying. She said, "Crying isn't helpful. You have to communicate calmly with me what you need." But he just kept crying and even hitting things.   She then asked him, "Joe, are you having a panic attack?"   Joe said, "Maybe?"   She decided to try to distract him. She said, "How about we go for a walk? There's a secret exit that I bet you've never taken before. You wanna check it out?"   He nodded.   She then took him through the back door that students normally aren't allowed to use. Outside, she tried to get his mind off whatever it was that made him so upset. She would say, "Look at the leaves on that tree! And that bird!" Joe then started to calm down and feel better.   After a short walk, they came back to school. As soon as they entered the back door, Joe started to cry again.   The teacher said, "Joe. Crying is not helpful. You have to tell me what's wrong or else I cannot help you."   Joe said, "I DON'T KNOW EITHER. I'M TIRED AND HUNGRY."   She said, "Great! That's very helpful! You're hungry right? We can fix that. Would you be interested in some cookies?"   Joe nodded.   She then got some oreos from the office. She said, "Did you know that if you break apart two oreo cookies, one side has cream while the other side doesn't? And then if you take two of the sides with cream and put them together, you get an extra thick cream oreo sandwich that's even more delicious than a regular oreo? Try it!"   Joe tried it and was really happy.   She then said, "OK, so that solves the hunger problem. You said you're tired. We have 5 more minutes until school ends. Do you want to just wait by the entrance for your dad to come pick you up?"   He said, "Well, I guess I should go back to class and say sorry."   She said, "Wow! OK, great!"     After hearing how this other teacher handled the situation, I reflected on myself and my problems. One of my weaknesses is that I overly focus on logic. I am training myself to become more emotionally intelligent and more empathetic, but clearly, I still have a long way to go.   If I had to summarize a key lesson from this incident, it would be this: "Sometimes, being right isn't helpful. Instead of focusing on what should  be, focus on what's helpful."   Image Source: ChatGPT So at the sports park, yes it's true that he is very loud and disturbing others. Yes it's true that his loud crying might result in complaints. Yes it's true that the school might get banned as a result of Joe's loud crying. But saying this to threaten him when he's already out of emotional control is not helpful. On the contrary, it's pouring oil on the fire. It just makes him feel even worse, causing him to cry even louder. Why didn't I realize this before I said those words?   The root of the problem is my attitude of opposition towards Joe, which created negative emotions like impatience, which then clouded my wisdom. I lacked the cultivation to remain calm and kind in the face of his negative emotions, and my negative emotions amplified his.   On the other hand, the other teacher was considerate towards Joe. When she saw him cry, she didn't think, "Come on! Again? You shouldn't be such a cry baby!" She told me that what she thought was, "What a poor kid. Crying like that is very harmful to his body. How can I help him feel better?"   If I could re-do that incident at the sports park, maybe I would say, "Weird that the chessboard is gone. Why don't we search around the entire park and see if they moved it somewhere else? I'll go with you." And then during the search, I might distract him with other things like "Hey that mini golf looks really fun! Do you want to take a break from the search and play a round first?"   To be able to do that, I need to re-wire my thoughts. I would remind myself that he doesn't like bawling either. It's not that he wants to annoy other people, he just can't control his overly strong emotions sometimes. In that moment, I should either try to make him feel safe and comforted, or get his attention off. Blaming or threatening isn't helpful.   This isn't to say that I don't let him know the seriousness of his loud crying on others. It's just that I need to wait for a suitable time to do it in the future, and at that time, we can also discuss how he could do better next time.   Conclusion Just because it's true doesn't mean we should say it. When people are emotional, focus on being helpful.   Or as Dr. Wayne Dyer said, "When given the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind." Weekly Wisdom #365

If we extend this idea broader, it applies to other relationships too, whether it be friends or colleagues

remain humble and sensitive towards others feelings so as to not make others feel bad and harm the relationship ourselves and trying to improve, over time, we will greatly improve our emotional intelligence and relationships

This past week at lunch time, a student got really upset and cried because of vegetables on his pasta. In the moment, I laughed and thought, "Seriously? What a strange and small thing to cry over."   Later at a staff meeting, this student's homeroom teacher talked about the situation and her understanding of why this student had a meltdown over what seemed like a small and silly thing to most people. From her explanation, I felt ashamed of myself for being so inconsiderate towards this child that I would laugh at him. Although it wasn't a mocking type of laugh, it was still a chuckle, which means I didn't take his feelings seriously, and that's disrespectful.   Someone once asked Confucius, "What is one word that a person can hold dear for all of one's life?"   Confucius replied, "Wouldn't that be reciprocity? What you do not wish for yourself, don't do to others."   There have been times when I was emotional over something and really wanted someone else to understand, but they didn't give me understanding, and instead negated my feelings. That felt terrible. Similarly in this situation, this student is having a small meltdown. It doesn’t matter what the matter is, his emotions are real, and I should understand that everyone has their reasons for feeling the way they feel. Just because I don't understand their thinking doesn't mean they lack reason, and it's certainly not right to laugh at them.   From this situation, I also learned that I can't use my own experiences and way of thinking to judge others. I really have to try to see things from their perspective and relate to them using analogies that I can understand. If I lack information to understand their perspective, then the least I should do is withhold judgment until I can gather more information.   Image Source So what caused this student to cry over vegetables on pasta? Many factors.   For context, my school serves lunch to students who ordered lunch, but the school only provides vegetarian options. The student mentioned earlier is a new student, and his doctor said he is a bit overweight, so his mother ordered vegetarian lunches for him for health reasons. I've seen him bring unhealthy snacks to school, so I can infer that he eats a lot of junk food, and these foods are very tasty and addictive.   I'm also guessing that his mother didn't get her son's consent to eat vegetarian lunches every day. After all,  he complained many times that the food isn't tasty, and we told him, "If you don't like it, you can ask your mom to bring you your own lunch. But currently, your mom paid for vegetarian lunches, so that's what we will give you."   As an aside, I've also told this student before, "It's very rude for you to criticize the school's food in front of others. The school doesn't have to provide food for you. It's only because some parents are too busy to cook and asked the school to provide food that we do it. It's very rude and ungrateful to complain when others are trying to help you and your parents. Moreover, the school tries hard to provide a range of delicious vegetarian options. Everyone else enjoys the food, so maybe the problem isn't the food, but rather your own pickiness."   Another aside: When I found out that his mother is forcing him to eat vegetarian lunches but still giving him unhealthy snacks, I felt this was a bit hypocritical. She gets to give her son unhealthy snacks, so her son likes her, but then she makes the school give vegetarian food, so the school has to deal with all of her son's complaints. Isn't that making others take the blame for your own decision?   But then I told myself again, everyone has their reasons for doing what they do. I then thought about it some more. If I were in that mother's situation, why might I do what she did? Then a reason came clearly to me. Perhaps she tried to negotiate with her son to eat healthier, and her son argued back a lot, saying he doesn't want to. So in order to come to an agreement, she told him he can still eat snacks as long as he eats vegetarian lunches.     Back to the student. Given that he is being forced against his will to eat vegetarian, and that he might have withdrawal symptoms from not eating the junk food that he used to eat, I can start to understand why he'd get so emotional over vegetables. It's sort of like someone being forced to stop smoking when they're addicted; it takes a big emotional toll!   But there's more. The day of his meltdown was a Friday, and the Friday previous, the school gave pizza, and he was really happy that day. He thought every Friday would be pizza day, so he was looking forward to pizza the next Friday. When he arrived at school in the morning, he immediately said, " Today's pizza day, right? " But the teachers said, " We don't know. " Later at lunch time, when he found out it's not pizza, but rather pasta, he already started tearing up. I can imagine if I was looking forward to something for a whole week, and I had to endure a week of suffering for it, then to suddenly find out it's not happening, I'd feel upset too.   Then he saw a staff member put vegetables onto the pasta, and then he had a meltdown and started bawling, "How can you put vegetables on pasta! You can't do that! That's just wrong! I can't eat that!" Although I really do not agree that putting vegetables on pasta is wrong, I also should not use my experiences and way of thinking to judge others. I should instead try to relate to others by analogy.   Everyone has their own food preferences, and people tend to feel very strongly about food too. Some people think putting pineapple on pizza is just wrong; others love it. Some people love durian; others can't stand it. Well, it turns out some people think putting vegetables on pasta is just wrong; others think it's fine. I don't have to feel the same way towards vegetables on pasta as him, but I should at least acknowledge that his feelings are valid, and they have a legitimate reason.   I then thought of a food that disgusted me, and I thought of natto, which is a sort of fermented soybean that is really gooey and strange-tasting (at least to me). Although I think it's not tasty, some people actually like it; otherwise, it wouldn't be popular enough to be sold in restaurants and grocery stores. There isn't a definitive right or wrong here; it's all just personal preference. So perhaps seeing vegetables being put on his pasta would be like me seeing natto being put on my favorite food. He was probably thinking, "My delicious pasta just got ruined!"   If I made empathy and reciprocity a stronger habit, then when I saw him cry, my immediate response wouldn't be to laugh or to judge him for being immature. Instead, I would feel bad for him, I would believe that he definitely has a valid reason to cry, and I would take him to a room and patiently wait for him to calm down to talk with him.   Of course, understanding his perspective doesn't mean I would affirm it. I would still try to teach him that crying and whining is unhelpful and rude, and that we should learn to control our emotions and communicate in a respectful way. But if we don't let them feel understood and cared for first, then they won't be able to calm down and listen to our advice. Or worse, if we negate their feelings, then they'll become even more emotional and oppose us or even resent us.   Conclusion Thank you to this student for helping me realize my lack of empathy and reciprocity. Have you ever encountered a situation where you found it hard to understand others and judged them for it? How might you relate to them now? Weekly Wisdom #362