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Image Source: Unsplash Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists all agree that relationships Furthermore, it’s the quality, not quantity, of our relationships that count. Trying to understand the other person deeply is the key to solving relationship problems. Conclusion If there’s anything worth investing in, it’s your relationships. Quality relationships make us happy and healthy, and improving relationships is not rocket science.

At my school, we take our kids out to a nearby sports park every day after lunch for recess. The sports park has a soccer field, a basketball court, mini golf, ping pong, and giant life-sized chess boards. This sports park has a few office buildings beside it, and it is open to the public.   This past Tuesday, I was on lunch duty and took the kids to the sports park with another teacher. Most of the kids were playing soccer, but one kid had a tantrum. Let's call him Joe.   Joe was looking forward to playing with the life-sized chessboard, but when we arrived, it was gone. He then started shouting and crying "IT'S NOT FAIR! YOU GUYS SAID THERE WAS A CHESSBOARD! WHERE'S THE CHESSBOARD!"   Joe is also the same kid who cried about having vegetables put on his pasta , and the school knows he overreacts to many things, so nobody paid much attention to him. But as the teacher, I couldn't just ignore him, so I tried to help him calm down.   I said to him, "Joe, please keep your voice down. We are in public. There are other people around."   He continued shouting, "BUT YOU GUYS SAID THERE WOULD BE A CHESSBOARD HERE! YOU LIED!"   His classmates replied, "Well, there WAS a chessboard here yesterday. But it's gone today. We don't know why either."   He started crying, "WHY DO THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE LIKE THAT!"   I then asked him to take deep breaths and waited for him to calm down a little. He started breathing through a paper bag and then squeezed and broke it with his hand.   After a while, I said, "OK, so there was a chessboard here yesterday, and today it's gone. Things are always changing in life, right? Have you ever told someone something, and then later you found out things changed? You didn't lie to them on purpose. Things changed and you didn't know."   He said, "But I came here for chess! Why do things have to change! I can't take it!"   I said, "Being upset doesn't help. Remember the story we read before about The Girl Who Has a Million Problems ? Who would she do?"   He said, "I don't know."   I said, "Maybe she would bring her own chessboard next time. And she would just go play soccer now."   He then started repeatedly saying, "IT'S NOT FAIR IT'S NOT FAIR IT'S NOT FAIR. I WANT CHESS NOW."   I then got annoyed and said, "What do you mean it's not fair? This park is not your park. Do you see those office buildings over there? The park belongs to them. They are generous to open it to the public. It's already a gift that we can use it. Also, please keep your voice down. If they hear you screaming, they might complain about our school, and then our school might get banned from the park because of your screaming. That would be very unfair to the school. So if you cannot be considerate of other people, then we cannot take you out for lunch recess."   He then started bawling even louder. I was at a loss for words, so I just let him cry until we went back to school.   Later in the last period of school, I was teaching Joe's class English. I prepared a story video with a worksheet.   Joe asked, "Can I have the jello that I forgot to get on Monday?"   I said, "No, I only give out jellos on Mondays when I talk about the chores that different students did at home over the past week."   He said, "But WHY. I forgot to collect it on Monday. Why can't I have it now? It's not fair!"   I then got annoyed and said, "You're right. It's not fair. Do you see any other teachers giving out jello? I spend my own money to buy these jello for students because I want to reward good behavior. But maybe I shouldn't buy any at all if students start demanding them as if they are entitled to them."   He then went silent. When I passed out a worksheet to him, he asked, "Can I not do this worksheet?"   I said, "No. Everyone is doing it."   He then started hyperventilating, crying, and saying, "I can't take it, I can't take it, I can't take it."   Other kids in the class got annoyed and said, "JOE! STOP ACTING LIKE A CRY BABY!"   I then realized I need to curb my impatience and guide the class to be patient. I told them, "OK everyone, Joe is feeling overwhelmed right now. Shouting at him is not helpful. Please give some helpful suggestions for Joe."   One student said, "How about Joe goes cry in the washroom?"   I said, "The washroom is not a nice place to tell someone to cry in."   Another student said, "What about in the counselor room next door? There are comfortable sofa chairs in there."   I said, "That's a good idea. Joe, would you like to go sit on the sofa chairs there and calm down?"   He didn't answer and just continued to whimper.   I said, "OK Joe, I'll give you two options. Option 1 is go to the counselor room next door and calm down, then come back. Option 2, if you think you can calm down here while I play the video, then you can stay. Which option do you want?"   He said, "I don't think I can get up."   I said, "OK, we'll do option 2 then."   I played the video for a few minutes, but Joe just kept crying and saying, "I can't take it. I can't take it. I can't take it." I then took Joe to the office and asked another teacher to help.   After around 15 minutes later, near the end of class, there was a knock at the door. I opened it and saw Joe with a smile on his face. The other teacher said, "Joe, what do you say?" Joe said, "Sorry" with a smile.   I was very surprised. How did Joe go from being out of control to suddenly happy in just 15 minutes? I asked Joe, "So, what happened?"   He said, "Uh I don't know. I guess I had a panic attack."   I said, "Oh. So how did you get better?"   He said with a cheeky smile, "I ate some cookies."   I was speechless. I know he loves food and takes food very seriously (which is why he had a tantrum over vegetables being put on his pasta before), but some cookies were enough to calm his panic attack? Wow.     Later after school, I asked that other teacher what she did to calm Joe down. She explained to me that at first, Joe just kept crying. She said, "Crying isn't helpful. You have to communicate calmly with me what you need." But he just kept crying and even hitting things.   She then asked him, "Joe, are you having a panic attack?"   Joe said, "Maybe?"   She decided to try to distract him. She said, "How about we go for a walk? There's a secret exit that I bet you've never taken before. You wanna check it out?"   He nodded.   She then took him through the back door that students normally aren't allowed to use. Outside, she tried to get his mind off whatever it was that made him so upset. She would say, "Look at the leaves on that tree! And that bird!" Joe then started to calm down and feel better.   After a short walk, they came back to school. As soon as they entered the back door, Joe started to cry again.   The teacher said, "Joe. Crying is not helpful. You have to tell me what's wrong or else I cannot help you."   Joe said, "I DON'T KNOW EITHER. I'M TIRED AND HUNGRY."   She said, "Great! That's very helpful! You're hungry right? We can fix that. Would you be interested in some cookies?"   Joe nodded.   She then got some oreos from the office. She said, "Did you know that if you break apart two oreo cookies, one side has cream while the other side doesn't? And then if you take two of the sides with cream and put them together, you get an extra thick cream oreo sandwich that's even more delicious than a regular oreo? Try it!"   Joe tried it and was really happy.   She then said, "OK, so that solves the hunger problem. You said you're tired. We have 5 more minutes until school ends. Do you want to just wait by the entrance for your dad to come pick you up?"   He said, "Well, I guess I should go back to class and say sorry."   She said, "Wow! OK, great!"     After hearing how this other teacher handled the situation, I reflected on myself and my problems. One of my weaknesses is that I overly focus on logic. I am training myself to become more emotionally intelligent and more empathetic, but clearly, I still have a long way to go.   If I had to summarize a key lesson from this incident, it would be this: "Sometimes, being right isn't helpful. Instead of focusing on what should  be, focus on what's helpful."   Image Source: ChatGPT So at the sports park, yes it's true that he is very loud and disturbing others. Yes it's true that his loud crying might result in complaints. Yes it's true that the school might get banned as a result of Joe's loud crying. But saying this to threaten him when he's already out of emotional control is not helpful. On the contrary, it's pouring oil on the fire. It just makes him feel even worse, causing him to cry even louder. Why didn't I realize this before I said those words?   The root of the problem is my attitude of opposition towards Joe, which created negative emotions like impatience, which then clouded my wisdom. I lacked the cultivation to remain calm and kind in the face of his negative emotions, and my negative emotions amplified his.   On the other hand, the other teacher was considerate towards Joe. When she saw him cry, she didn't think, "Come on! Again? You shouldn't be such a cry baby!" She told me that what she thought was, "What a poor kid. Crying like that is very harmful to his body. How can I help him feel better?"   If I could re-do that incident at the sports park, maybe I would say, "Weird that the chessboard is gone. Why don't we search around the entire park and see if they moved it somewhere else? I'll go with you." And then during the search, I might distract him with other things like "Hey that mini golf looks really fun! Do you want to take a break from the search and play a round first?"   To be able to do that, I need to re-wire my thoughts. I would remind myself that he doesn't like bawling either. It's not that he wants to annoy other people, he just can't control his overly strong emotions sometimes. In that moment, I should either try to make him feel safe and comforted, or get his attention off. Blaming or threatening isn't helpful.   This isn't to say that I don't let him know the seriousness of his loud crying on others. It's just that I need to wait for a suitable time to do it in the future, and at that time, we can also discuss how he could do better next time.   Conclusion Just because it's true doesn't mean we should say it. When people are emotional, focus on being helpful.   Or as Dr. Wayne Dyer said, "When given the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind." Weekly Wisdom #365

If we extend this idea broader, it applies to other relationships too, whether it be friends or colleagues

remain humble and sensitive towards others feelings so as to not make others feel bad and harm the relationship ourselves and trying to improve, over time, we will greatly improve our emotional intelligence and relationships

This past week at lunch time, a student got really upset and cried because of vegetables on his pasta. In the moment, I laughed and thought, "Seriously? What a strange and small thing to cry over."   Later at a staff meeting, this student's homeroom teacher talked about the situation and her understanding of why this student had a meltdown over what seemed like a small and silly thing to most people. From her explanation, I felt ashamed of myself for being so inconsiderate towards this child that I would laugh at him. Although it wasn't a mocking type of laugh, it was still a chuckle, which means I didn't take his feelings seriously, and that's disrespectful.   Someone once asked Confucius, "What is one word that a person can hold dear for all of one's life?"   Confucius replied, "Wouldn't that be reciprocity? What you do not wish for yourself, don't do to others."   There have been times when I was emotional over something and really wanted someone else to understand, but they didn't give me understanding, and instead negated my feelings. That felt terrible. Similarly in this situation, this student is having a small meltdown. It doesn’t matter what the matter is, his emotions are real, and I should understand that everyone has their reasons for feeling the way they feel. Just because I don't understand their thinking doesn't mean they lack reason, and it's certainly not right to laugh at them.   From this situation, I also learned that I can't use my own experiences and way of thinking to judge others. I really have to try to see things from their perspective and relate to them using analogies that I can understand. If I lack information to understand their perspective, then the least I should do is withhold judgment until I can gather more information.   Image Source So what caused this student to cry over vegetables on pasta? Many factors.   For context, my school serves lunch to students who ordered lunch, but the school only provides vegetarian options. The student mentioned earlier is a new student, and his doctor said he is a bit overweight, so his mother ordered vegetarian lunches for him for health reasons. I've seen him bring unhealthy snacks to school, so I can infer that he eats a lot of junk food, and these foods are very tasty and addictive.   I'm also guessing that his mother didn't get her son's consent to eat vegetarian lunches every day. After all,  he complained many times that the food isn't tasty, and we told him, "If you don't like it, you can ask your mom to bring you your own lunch. But currently, your mom paid for vegetarian lunches, so that's what we will give you."   As an aside, I've also told this student before, "It's very rude for you to criticize the school's food in front of others. The school doesn't have to provide food for you. It's only because some parents are too busy to cook and asked the school to provide food that we do it. It's very rude and ungrateful to complain when others are trying to help you and your parents. Moreover, the school tries hard to provide a range of delicious vegetarian options. Everyone else enjoys the food, so maybe the problem isn't the food, but rather your own pickiness."   Another aside: When I found out that his mother is forcing him to eat vegetarian lunches but still giving him unhealthy snacks, I felt this was a bit hypocritical. She gets to give her son unhealthy snacks, so her son likes her, but then she makes the school give vegetarian food, so the school has to deal with all of her son's complaints. Isn't that making others take the blame for your own decision?   But then I told myself again, everyone has their reasons for doing what they do. I then thought about it some more. If I were in that mother's situation, why might I do what she did? Then a reason came clearly to me. Perhaps she tried to negotiate with her son to eat healthier, and her son argued back a lot, saying he doesn't want to. So in order to come to an agreement, she told him he can still eat snacks as long as he eats vegetarian lunches.     Back to the student. Given that he is being forced against his will to eat vegetarian, and that he might have withdrawal symptoms from not eating the junk food that he used to eat, I can start to understand why he'd get so emotional over vegetables. It's sort of like someone being forced to stop smoking when they're addicted; it takes a big emotional toll!   But there's more. The day of his meltdown was a Friday, and the Friday previous, the school gave pizza, and he was really happy that day. He thought every Friday would be pizza day, so he was looking forward to pizza the next Friday. When he arrived at school in the morning, he immediately said, " Today's pizza day, right? " But the teachers said, " We don't know. " Later at lunch time, when he found out it's not pizza, but rather pasta, he already started tearing up. I can imagine if I was looking forward to something for a whole week, and I had to endure a week of suffering for it, then to suddenly find out it's not happening, I'd feel upset too.   Then he saw a staff member put vegetables onto the pasta, and then he had a meltdown and started bawling, "How can you put vegetables on pasta! You can't do that! That's just wrong! I can't eat that!" Although I really do not agree that putting vegetables on pasta is wrong, I also should not use my experiences and way of thinking to judge others. I should instead try to relate to others by analogy.   Everyone has their own food preferences, and people tend to feel very strongly about food too. Some people think putting pineapple on pizza is just wrong; others love it. Some people love durian; others can't stand it. Well, it turns out some people think putting vegetables on pasta is just wrong; others think it's fine. I don't have to feel the same way towards vegetables on pasta as him, but I should at least acknowledge that his feelings are valid, and they have a legitimate reason.   I then thought of a food that disgusted me, and I thought of natto, which is a sort of fermented soybean that is really gooey and strange-tasting (at least to me). Although I think it's not tasty, some people actually like it; otherwise, it wouldn't be popular enough to be sold in restaurants and grocery stores. There isn't a definitive right or wrong here; it's all just personal preference. So perhaps seeing vegetables being put on his pasta would be like me seeing natto being put on my favorite food. He was probably thinking, "My delicious pasta just got ruined!"   If I made empathy and reciprocity a stronger habit, then when I saw him cry, my immediate response wouldn't be to laugh or to judge him for being immature. Instead, I would feel bad for him, I would believe that he definitely has a valid reason to cry, and I would take him to a room and patiently wait for him to calm down to talk with him.   Of course, understanding his perspective doesn't mean I would affirm it. I would still try to teach him that crying and whining is unhelpful and rude, and that we should learn to control our emotions and communicate in a respectful way. But if we don't let them feel understood and cared for first, then they won't be able to calm down and listen to our advice. Or worse, if we negate their feelings, then they'll become even more emotional and oppose us or even resent us.   Conclusion Thank you to this student for helping me realize my lack of empathy and reciprocity. Have you ever encountered a situation where you found it hard to understand others and judged them for it? How might you relate to them now? Weekly Wisdom #362

Have you ever done something with good or neutral intentions, but it didn't turn out so well? Perhaps others got annoyed or misunderstood you. Or perhaps you unintentionally created trouble for others. Icon sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 We are all human, so we all make mistakes. The important thing is to learn from them. In addition to learning from our own mistakes, we can also learn from other people's mistakes. I'll share some of mine here to help you avoid the same mistakes： Don't give away things without permission If you're doing something for someone, check with them before and after Don't publicly ask questions that the person cannot answer Consider other people's ability before asking them to do something 1: Don't give away things without permission This past week, I was out in my garden with my mother. A neighbor came over to give my mother some seeds. My mother was delighted, and as always, she went to pick some garden vegetables for the visitor. Seeing my mom always fond of giving gifts, I thought I should follow her example. She was picking fresh celery for the visitor, and I remembered she picked some tomatoes earlier in the day. I said, "How about I get a couple tomatoes that you picked earlier?" She didn't reply. Since the visitor already heard me mention the tomatoes, it felt awkward if I didn't get it for him, so I went to get a couple tomatoes. After he left, my mother told me, " Earlier I told grandpa that those tomatoes were for him. " Suddenly, I understood why my mother didn't reply earlier. It would be awkward for her to say, "No, don't give tomatoes to the neighbor. Those are for grandpa." But she also can't say yes. So she didn't say anything. I then reflected on how to avoid the same mistake next time. In the future, if I know a visitor is coming, I can check with my mom beforehand about what gift she wants to give. If the visitor came without prior notice, then I shouldn't offer any gifts; instead, I should let my mom offer the gifts. This way, I won't accidentally mention something that she doesn't want to give away. If there is something I think she can give, but she didn't give it, I can ask my mom about it after the guest leaves. Either my mom says, "No, I don't want to give that," in which case not saying anything was smart, or my mom says "Oh yeah we should give that!" in which case we can still give it to the guest later. This actually happened another time, when my mother's friend came over. As usual, my mother went to get a bunch of garden vegetables for her friend. We had just gotten a box of mooncakes from a neighbor, so I was thinking my mom might want to give those mooncakes to the visitor. But the whole time, my mother never mentioned it. I didn't say anything just in case mom had other plans for the mooncake. After the visitor left, I asked my mom about it, and she said, "Oh yeah, I forgot!" I said, "Well, this situation is better than if I had mentioned the mooncakes and you didn't actually want to give them. Besides, you gave her so much garden vegetables already, forgetting the mooncakes is hardly a problem." 2: If you're doing something for someone, check with them before and after Usually, my mother cooks breakfast. One day, I noticed my mom didn't cook breakfast at the usual time. I thought perhaps she was still busy finishing up her morning reading. I happened to be free, so I decided to cook. I saw that there wasn't much food in the fridge, so I cooked some noodles. Later, my mom came and said, "Huh, why did you cook noodles? There's enough leftovers from yesterday for breakfast." I said, "Really? I checked the fridge and didn't see much." She then opened the fridge and showed me that there were leftovers at the back behind a bag of vegetables. I realized that I could have prevented this trouble if I had simply checked with my mom if I should cook breakfast or not instead of assuming that she forgot or was too busy. Another time, I tried cooking a new kind of potato pancake. I thought it was pretty good and wanted to cook more. But I remembered to check with my mom to see if she likes it. She said it's OK, but she prefers regular pancakes. It's a good thing I asked, or else she might feel awkward to say that she doesn't like it that much, and I would have made a lot more potato pancakes. I heard a term called " loving you without your permission, " which refers to when people do something that they think is good for others, but the receiver does not want it. For example, a parent forces their child to take art classes when the child really has no interest in art. This is a lack of consideration and empathy on the giver's part. If I had cooked more potato pancakes for my mom without asking her if she likes it, I would have committed " loving you without your permission. " 3: Don't publicly ask questions that the person cannot answer In the course I'm taking, our class leader often communicates things to us on behalf of our professor. Recently, she was explaining to us how to submit our assignment online. We have to submit in two places: draft and final copy. Originally, we were told that we can submit multiple times in the draft location to check the plagiarism score, but it turns out we can only submit once. I asked, "What's the point of submitting to the rough copy if we can't submit multiple times? Maybe we should check with the school to see if there's an error with the website?" She said, "Yeah I don't know either. OK." Afterwards, I felt I might have made her look bad in front of the class because I asked a question that she couldn't answer. My intention was neutral, but my lack of consideration and sensitivity resulted in making her look bad. In the future, I should make sure that my question is one that the person can actually answer. If not, I should ask in private, not in front of the whole class. Also, I should be more polite and humble when I ask. For example, I could have said, "It seems strange that we cannot submit multiple times. Could I trouble you to check with the school and see if it's an error on their side?" 4: Consider other people's ability before asking them to do something It's Teacher's Day next week, and I was thinking of getting some classmates together to create a collective gift. I felt like our teacher would be happy to see us classmates working together. But the idea I had in mind requires quite a bit of time from each person. I thought about it, and my classmates are all very busy people, and it would be quite awkward if even one person couldn't commit. I remember this actually happened to me before. Another classmate wanted all of us to make a video together for a teacher, and it was really rushed too. The thing is, if a few people do it, it's very awkward if the remaining classmates don't join, so we're kind of pressured into doing it. I don't want to give pressure to other people, so I decided to not suggest this idea. I heard another story related to this topic. One time, a person told a monk, "The next time you guys have a charitable project, let me know. I want to donate." A few months later, the monk found out his master had a charitable project to do. He was about to call that person, but his master stopped him and said, "Wait. Are you trying to collect a debt?" He was utterly confused and said, "Master, this person told me a few months ago that she wants to contribute to the next charitable project. It's her wish." The master said, "I know you think you are keeping a promise, but think about it. It's been a few months. Maybe back then, she had money that she wanted to donate. But after these few months, it's very possible that she might have already used the money elsewhere. If you call her now and ask her to donate, and she doesn't have that money anymore, then you will cause a lot of embarrassment for her." The monk said, "I understand now. I'll wait for her to call me then." Conclusion It's great to have good intentions, but we must remember that good intentions alone are not enough to produce good results. We need to have wisdom and consideration. We are all human, so we will all make mistakes. There's no need to frustrate over our mistakes. As long as we learn from them each time, we will grow in wisdom. And before we do anything that we think is good, we should always consider the impact on others and how they might feel, and it's usually better to check with them before and after the matter. Do you have any experiences where your good intentions didn't lead to good results? What did you learn? Weekly Wisdom #256

When Einstein was 16 years old, he often skipped school and played with a group of troublemaker friends. As a result, he failed many classes. One weekend morning, Einstein was about to go fishing with his friends, but his father stopped him. His father calmly said to him, “Einstein, you’re out playing all day with your friends, and you’re failing school. Your mother and I are quite concerned for your future.”   Einstein replied, “What’s there to worry about? Jack and Robert are also failing school, and they’re still going fishing.”   His father looked at him with love and concern and said, “Son, you can’t think that way. Let me tell you a well-known fable from my hometown. I hope you’ll listen carefully." Image Source: Wix AI His father then told this fable: Two cats were playing on the roof of a house. One cat grabbed the other cat and they both accidentally fell into the chimney. When they crawled out, one cat’s face was covered in ashes, while the other cat’s face was clean. The clean cat saw the other cat’s face was all black, and he thought his face was the same, so he rushed to the river to clean himself. The dirty cat saw the other cat was clean, and he thought he was also clean, so he went on with his day and strutted along the street. Image Source: ChatGPT Einstein, no one can be your mirror, only you can be your mirror. If we take others to be our mirror, then perhaps a genius will think he’s a fool.” After hearing this story, Einstein felt ashamed, put down his fishing rod, and returned to his room. From then on, Einstein often reflected on himself and encouraged himself: “I don’t want to be like ordinary people. I can be extraordinary.” This is one reason why Einstein became the legend that he is. Commentary Jim Rohn said, “You are the average of the five people you spend most time with.” In other words, we should be very thoughtful and selective about who we spend our time with because we will inevitably get influenced by them. Einstein’s dad knew this, so he admonished his son to rethink his peer group. Although his dad said “no one can be your mirror” , we have to be careful about how to interpret this statement. The way I interpret it, it is not saying that the people we spend time with don’t reflect the type of person we are. On the contrary, the people we spend time with are a great indicator of the type of person we are. As the saying goes, “Birds of a feather flock together.” When Einstein was young, he spent most of his time with troublemakers, and so he also became a troublemaker. When he stopped spending time with them and started taking his studies seriously, his future changed. So I interpret Einstein’s dad’s message to be “Don’t assume you are the same as the people around you. You don’t have to follow the herd. You can be extraordinary, but you have to consciously choose to be.” And so it is the same with each and every one of us. If we don’t want to blindly follow the herd, then we have to be clear on what we want. If we thoughtfully choose to follow the herd on certain matters, that’s fine too. The point is that we should live our lives consciously rather than drifting along mindlessly. Another learning from this story is Einstein’s dad’s effective admonishment. When others don’t do what we want them to do, a lot of people will nag, complain, and criticize. The energy we give is the energy we’ll attract back , and those behaviors will attract defensiveness and opposition from the other person. If the other person has lower power than us, such as our children or subordinate, then they have no choice but to obey. However, they are accumulating resentment in their heart, and if that continues, eventually they will lash back in the future. If the other person has the same level of power as us, such as our spouse or colleague, then they will feel disrespected, and they will argue with us because they are unhappy at our disrespect towards them. In this type of argument, the matters never end. It seems like you’re going around in circles, never able to solve the problem straight on. Or new matters keep coming up before old matters are resolved. These are all signs that the deeper problem is a lack of respect. As soon as one person can respect the other person first, by apologizing and acknowledging your own faults, the conflict can be resolved. Effective admonishment requires us to truly care for the other person’s feelings, to not be demanding or controlling, and to not be impatient for them to change. Einstein’s dad was very considerate towards Einstein, and I would guess he knew that teenagers (and all people in general) don’t like to be nagged at or told that they are wrong. That’s why he thought of a story to deliver his advice, and the advice is full of respect and positive energy. Einstein was touched by his dad’s love for him, and so he was inspired to change. Conclusion Who are you using as your mirror? Are you choosing your mirrors (influences) thoughtfully? When advising or requesting others to change, are you doing it with sincere care, or are you mixing in annoyance, impatience, and blame? Weekly Wisdom #333

Image Source: Wix AI Two monks were washing their feet in a river when they saw a scorpion struggling in the water. Knowing that scorpions cannot swim, the elder monk knelt down to scoop it out of the water and set it on the shore. As he slowly and calmly picked up the scorpion, it stung his hand. Out of pain and reflex, the monk dropped the scorpion. He then tried again a couple more times, but faster. However, he still got stung and dropped the scorpion. He then told the younger monk to bring him a tree branch from the shore. Using that branch, he managed to scoop the scorpion out of the water and set it on shore. The younger monk asked, "Why did you keep trying to save the scorpion when it stung you so many times? What an ungrateful creature." The elder monk replied, "If I enter the water, I will get wet; the nature of water is wet. See that tree over there? Anyone can sit under its shade. The tree will never ask if you are young or old, good or evil, human or animal; it will provide everyone and anything with its shade because this is its nature. Similarly, the nature of the scorpion is to sting, so there is nothing to take offence in. Our true nature is to be compassionate towards all living beings, just like the tree serves all living beings without discrimination. When we align with our true nature, we will free our minds from the suffering that comes with discrimination and attachment." Commentary This parable has different versions on the internet, and above is a version that I've synthesized and edited. The story has quite a lot of food for thought and can be contemplated from different angles. 1: Compassion First is from the perspective of compassion. Most of us have conditional love towards people: "If you are good, if I like you, if you behave the way I want you to behave, then I will treat you well; otherwise, I will be unhappy towards you." Compassion, on the other hand, is unconditional love: "It doesn't matter who you are or what you do, I will always treat you well, try to understand you, and help you achieve your full potential." As mentioned in last week's article, compassion benefits ourselves first because it is an elevated emotional state, as shown in this chart: Source: Becoming Supernatural by Dr. Joe Dispenza Whereas the survival emotions (e.g., pain, fear, anger) at the bottom are all overly attached to I, elevated motions (e.g., love/compassion, freedom, appreciation) all dampen the attachment to I and focus more on others. When we feel survival emotions, we feel stressed. When we are in an elevated state, we feel a sense of calm happiness and ease. Monks are always cultivating their mind to maintain a state of serenity and compassion, so when the elder monk saw the drowning scorpion, he naturally felt compassion towards it. He didn't think, "This is a scorpion. Scorpions are bad. I don't like scorpions." If we have strong discriminations between what we like and dislike, then we create unnecessary suffering for ourselves. The monk had equal compassion for all living beings, so he could maintain his serene state of mind. When the scorpion repeatedly stung his hand, he didn't think "What an ungrateful creature! I'm trying to help you, and you sting me?!" Compassion is similar to parental love: Even if a child is naughty, does bad things, argues with parents, and hurts parents feelings, the parent ultimately still loves the child and believes in the child's goodness and potential. Similarly, the monk understood that the scorpion stung him out of fear and anxiety, so he felt didn't blame the scorpion and continued to try to save it. When we have conflict with others, we can reflect on whether we truly understand the other person, and whether we are using conditional love or compassion. 2: Wisdom Another insight from this story is the importance of wisdom. We've probably all had the experience of wanting to help others, but when we tried to help, we ended up creating more trouble for everyone. It's like when the elder monk tried to pick up the scorpion and got stung, thereby hurting himself and bringing no benefit to the scorpion. So how can we gain wisdom? One way is of course to study books of wisdom, such as those of ancient philosophers. I previously wrote about this in the article Upgrade Your Thinking. But in the story, the elder monk gained wisdom through his sincere compassion. Sincere means single-minded and unchanging, while compassion means only thinking about benefiting others. Since the monk was single-mindedly focused on helping the scorpion, he didn't give up after the first few failures. Since he wasn't interested in giving up, he continually looked for ways to improve his method, until he finally had a breakthrough: find a tree branch to scoop the scorpion. Similarly, we can reflect on ourselves when we encounter problems. Are we single-mindedly focused and determined to solve it? Or do we think this problem isn't really that big of a deal? Are we focused on helping others, or are we overly attached to our own feelings? 3: Pain vs. Suffering When the elder monk got stung by the scorpion, he surely felt pain, but I don't think he experienced suffering. Pain is physical, while suffering is mental. I'm reminded of this quote from Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius: "Do away with the opinion I am harmed, and the harm is cast away too." The big question is, how can we "do away with the opinion that I am harmed"? It's all about how we think. I like Victor Cheng's definition of "suffering" as "meaningless pain", which means that if we can find meaning in our pain, then we no longer feel unhappy. In fact, we can even appreciate pain similar to how an athlete appreciates growing pains. If we want to improve in life, which is a joyful thing, then we need to face tests and challenges. Monks are trying to cultivate serenity and compassion, so when the elder monk encountered the scorpion that stung him, he viewed it as a good test to help him raise his cultivation rather than as misfortune. If he had gotten upset and given up, then his cultivation would have degenerated. He could then thank the scorpion for showing him his lack of cultivation. But he maintained his cultivation and overcame the challenge, so he can thank the scorpion for helping him to increase his level of cultivation. We probably all face challenges and pain in our lives, but we don't necessarily have to suffer. We can find meaning in our challenges and use our pain as motivation for our self-improvement and for helping others to avoid the pain we've been through. When we do so, we can change our emotional state from suffering (a low state) to appreciation (a high state). Conclusion Although we might not literally be a monk, and we might not ever see a drowning scorpion, the metaphorical lessons of this story are highly relevant to us. Do we have conditional love or unconditional compassion? Are we sincere or fickle? Do we suffer in the face of pain and challenges, or do we find meaning and improve from them? Weekly Wisdom #284

There's a proverb that goes, "It takes two to argue."   Put in another way, one person can start an argument, but it takes two to keep that argument going. This is useful advice for whenever we get upset at someone and argue with them. Image Source   Recently, I've been teaching summer school to kids around 10 years old, and an incident reminded me of this proverb. One student named Albert came into class late and saw two plastic water bottles on his table. He said, "These aren't mine,"  and then put one water bottle on his neighbor Leon's desk. Leon replied, "This isn't mine either,"  and put it back on Albert's desk. Albert then put the water bottle back on Leon's desk, and they started fighting. I was talking to the class at the time, and when I saw them suddenly making a commotion out of nowhere, I stopped the class and asked them what's wrong.   Albert told me "There are two water bottles here on my desk, but none of them are mine, so I put one on Leon's desk."  Leon said, "They're not mine either, so I put it back on his desk, and then he kept trying to put one back on my desk."   I said, "OK everyone, this is a great chance to practice conflict resolution. We'll all encounter weird problems and unexpected misunderstandings in life, so we need to know how to handle them. Firstly, it's important to keep calm and understand the other person's perspective. So Albert, if these are not your water bottles, why did you want to put one on Leon's desk? Did you ask him if it's his?"   Albert said, "No. I just don't think I should have two water bottles on my desk when they're not even mine, so I put one on Leon's desk."   Leon said, "What kind of logic is that!"   I said, "OK Leon, you're very logical, then why would you keep putting the water bottle back on Albert's desk? Leon, Albert, do you think there's a better way to handle the situation?"   They remained silent.   I said, "If it's not your water bottles and none of you want them on your desk, why don't you just raise your hand and tell the teacher? The teacher can take the water bottles away. Or just put it in your desk for now, and during break time, you can throw them out."   They said, "Oh."   I said, "Remember, if you get into a conflict with someone, you're the same level of maturity and intelligence as them. If even one person is calm enough and wise enough, a conflict cannot happen. We shouldn't hope for others to be the mature one, so our best bet is to be that mature person ourselves. So when we encounter conflict, it's important to keep calm and focus on solving the problem as opposed to trying to defeat the other person."   Although we might chuckle at the kids for being so immature, the truth of the matter is, we adults are often not mature enough either. For example, if someone misunderstands us and criticizes us unfairly, do the flames of anger flair up in us? Do we think, "How dare they! That’s so unfair!"  Or do we think, "Hmm I wonder what I did to make them misunderstand me? Well, he can try to have conflict with me, but I'm not going to have conflict with him."   Another time in class, I was waiting to start class, but many kids were talking loudly. I then said, "If you keep talking, I will ask you to leave the class."  Then some students said, "Oh me! I want to leave the class!" I then felt a flair of anger and said, "Out. Now."   I later reflected, that was quite dumb of me. Why did I do that? It's because I got angry and impatient towards the kids, and that negative emotion blocked my wisdom. I was subconsciously thinking, "You rude and entitled brats! If you don't appreciate being in my class, then leave." But getting them to leave helps no one, and it's actually my job to keep them in my class and teach them, so I had to go out, talk to them, and get them to come back in.   If I were more calm and wise, I could've brought out some treats and said, "Wow I see this student is sitting very quietly waiting for class to begin. Such a good role model! Here's a treat for you."  If there are still students talking loudly, I could say, "Oh I hear this student is still being loud and not listening to the teacher. I guess I will deduct their hard-earned points then. What a shame." The point is, there are much more effective solutions than getting angry and making them leave the classroom, but I have to have the cultivation to remain calm in order to think of such solutions.   Concluding Thoughts When was the last time you had a conflict with someone? How could you have handled it differently to prevent or diffuse the conflict? Weekly Wisdom #356

Society is founded on interpersonal relationships, and our etiquette is reflected in every interpersonal If we have good etiquette, we would naturally have good relationships with others and be welcomed by Ultimately, when we have good etiquette, we will naturally have good relationships and be welcomed by Moreover, good relationships are a big source of happiness, while relationship conflicts are a major

2025 has just finished, and like many people, I am reflecting on my major learnings from the past year. In 2025, I had four major learnings: Propriety/Etiquette Attachment and Letting Go Be an actor not a reactor Meditation is worth it   Image created via Canva 1: Propriety/Etiquette Most people are familiar with the term "etiquette", but less are familiar with the term "propriety". Etiquette refers to the rules of polite behavior, such as saying "please" and "thank you", holding the door open for others, not interrupting others, etc. Propriety is a broader term that not only includes the matters of etiquette, but also the state of being appropriate or suitable. For example, when giving a gift, we have to make sure the timing and value of the gift are appropriate. Therefore, I prefer the term "propriety" over "etiquette".   Confucius once said, "If one does not learn propriety, one will not be able to establish oneself in society."   After all, no one likes a rude and selfish person. We live in an interdependent society, so if someone is disliked by lots of people, they won't be able to establish a footing for themselves in society. One could argue that propriety is the foundation of Confucianism.   All the ancient philosophers teach us to cultivate virtues like kindness and respect. These are principles, but principles need to be integrated with matters, and the rules of etiquette are the starting point. We can cultivate our kindness and respect by practicing etiquette such as When others are talking to us, look at them with full attention. Aim to arrive 10 minutes early. You'll never know if you'll get delayed, and arriving late seems like you don't respect other people's time. If others are late, tell them "It's no rush. Take your time." When sneezing, sneeze into your elbow, not hands, and say excuse me. Don't speak loudly in quiet places. Don't disturb others when they're busy or in a bad mood. Knock before entering someone else's room. Respect other people's space. When people call you or message you, try to respond promptly. Don't make others wait too long. When standing or talking with others, don't block doors or paths. When walking in a crowded place, don't stare at your phone because you'll walk slowly and block other people.   These are just a few examples, and I listed many more in my previous post on etiquette . These matters are extremely common in daily life, so practicing etiquette is key to cultivating our virtues.   I also wrote quite a few stories on Yanzi, who was a master of propriety and highly respected by Confucius. How Yanzi Made His Ruler Look Good How Yanzi Diffused His Ruler's Anger How Yanzi Graciously Refused His Ruler How Yanzi Humiliated His Humiliator   Also, in the later half of 2025, I started translating a Chinese text called 常禮舉要 or The Essentials on Common Propriety . I have finished translating the text, but I am still studying a lecture series on the text, and I plan to write some articles on it in the future.   2: Attachment and Letting Go The concept of attachment and letting go is absolutely critical and foundation to Buddhism, and it took me many years to understand the concept well enough to be able to communicate it in a blog article. If we want to be at peace, relaxed, and wise like the Buddha, we need to let go of attachments.   Basically, attachment is a strong desire for anything, such that if we can't get it, we become unhappy. Attachment includes a strong desire to not have something as well. Attachment is analogous to gripping tightly onto something. It causes our mind to be tense and stressed. Letting go is to loosen that grip. You can still hold the thing if needed, but you're also willing to let it go if needed. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3   Understanding the concept of letting go is much easier than actually practicing it. For example, think of a food or person or matter that you really dislike. Can you make yourself not mind it? Or think of something that you really want. Can you make yourself not mind if you cannot get it? If so, then you've made yourself impervious to suffering, just like the Buddha!   In my article on Attachment and Letting Go , I explained five ways to help us practice letting go: See the truth Control the controllables and let go of the rest Embrace reality Practice selflessness Understand karma and accord with the conditions   Since I already explained in that article, I won't repeat here. What I will say is that detachment is like a muscle. The more we practice it, the better we become, and the rewards are very worthwhile.   3: Be an actor not a reactor This concept is core in the genre of western self-development. To quote Dr. Alan Zimmerman: "It's not so much what happens to you that matters. It's how you're conditioned to respond that makes all the difference."   I remember when I was a teenager, I read the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People , and the first habit is "be proactive", which is basically the same idea as "be an actor not a reactor".   Image Source: GPT This past year, I took a short workshop on this topic, and I shared my learnings in a series of blog posts: Be An Actor Not A Reactor Part 1: Inconveniences Be An Actor Not A Reactor Part 2: Negative People Be An Actor Not A Reactor Part 3: Negative Expectations Be An Actor Not A Reactor Part 4: Adversity   One of the stories that really stuck with me was how Dr. Zimmerman would tell her negative daughter in the morning, "Shelly! Something good is going to happen to you! Tell me what it is later." As time progressed, Shelly slowly started noticing the good things in her day, and she became more positive. As a teacher at school, I tried this with a negative student as well, and I noticed that his ability to notice good things has also improved after a couple months.   Another idea that I am still working on is to not catch other people's negative energy. Dr. Zimmerman says: "Perhaps there's someone that just really irks you. Rather than continue getting irked by them all the time, why not go to the bookstore and buy a book on coping with difficult people? Why not practice on them? You've got nothing to lose. An actor takes productive action, while a reactor merely complains." I already read books and took classes on dealing with difficult people, and I just need to keep practicing.   4: Meditation is worth it My first article of 2025 was Meditation is Worth It . In that article, I talked about how meditation is analogous to sharpening a tool (which allows us to do things better) or cleaning a mirror (which allows us to see better). Since we use the mind for everything, meditation improves our lives from the root.   There's a Zen saying that goes, “You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes a day. Unless you're too busy, then you should sit for an hour.”   When it comes to Zen sayings, it's important to not get stuck on the words and instead comprehend the meaning behind it. In this case, it's saying that if you are so busy that you cannot set aside 20 minutes to calm down and relax, then chances are, your mind is extremely agitated and messy, in which case you'd need to spend a lot more time "cleaning" and meditating to return to a state of peace and calm.   Image Source: GPT I have persisted with daily visualization and mantra meditation for over a year now. My visualization meditation helps me to have more vigilance towards matters that would normally upset me, so I don't get upset as often or as strongly.   My meditation in the morning helps me to see how calm my state of mind is that day. If there are a lot of wandering thoughts, I try to meditate for longer if possible since the goal is to calm the mind and bring that calmness into the rest of my day. As a bonus, I will sometimes remember important things or have insightful ideas during meditation (not on purpose; it just pops up).   Usually, I do 30 minutes of visualization and 10 minutes of mantra meditation. I've noticed that I've become a lot better at staying calm and focused for the 10 minutes of mantra meditation. I remember in the past, when I first started doing mantra meditation, a 30 minute session felt so long because my mind was full of wandering thoughts. Recently, when I tried 20 minutes and then 30 minutes, I noticed that it's a lot easier for me to stay focused for those longer durations. It's quite a delightful feeling to be able to control the mind rather than being dragged in all different directions by wandering thoughts.   Conclusion 2025 seemed to be a year of attending to the foundation, whether that be propriety (foundation of Confucianism), detachment (foundation of Buddhism), or mindset (foundation of western self-development). When the foundation is strong, everything else can flourish. I am still building my foundation, so I need to keep working hard in 2026! Weekly Wisdom #375

I'm back at my grandma's place in China again for a short visit, and of course, my grandma is always telling me to eat more even though I'm already full. But this time, I had a different challenge. I got sick.   It's very hot here, and the room I'm sleeping in only has a fan, not AC, so I got heatstroke, which involves throwing up, diarrhea, and feelings of dizziness and weakness. My grandma said that she's lived here for decades, so she's used to this heat in the summer, but I lived most of my life in Toronto, where the summers are cooler and there's AC, so that’s why I got heatstroke.   Anyway, after I threw up, I really did not have an appetite to eat anything for breakfast except a packet of instant oatmeal. My grandma brought me a watermelon and said, "This will make you feel better!"   I told her, "Watermelon is very cooling, and my stomach is too weak to handle that right now."     She replied, "No, watermelon is good for heatstroke!"   I said, "It can help to prevent heatstroke by cooling you down, but I'm not hot right now; I feel nauseous, so I don't want to eat it."   She then brought me canned "eight treasure porridge" and said, "How about this?"   I said, "That canned porridge is too sweet and thick. I just want to eat some light oatmeal." My grandma got impatient with me and said, "How are you going to recover if you don't eat anything? This eight treasure porridge is very nutritious!"   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 I think in the past, I might've gotten annoyed and said, "I'm sick and I just threw up. Can I just have a break from eating until I feel better?"   But I understand that my grandma has good intentions, and that her personality tends to get angry and impatient easily. Also, my mentor told me before that when people get old, they tend to become like children. In other words, they seem to make unreasonable requests and make a big fuss about things unnecessarily. It's a common phenomenon, so I shouldn't get annoyed at my grandma.   I told my grandma, "I already ate some oatmeal, and I want to rest. I think rest is the best way for me to recover. I can eat more later when I feel better."   In this way, I show that I have the same goal as my grandma, which is to recover ASAP, and I didn't reject her suggestion, I'm just putting it off until later.   Later at lunch, my grandma made some porridge with red bean and black rice for me. I told her,  "My stomach still feels very weak, and I just want to eat some easy to digest instant oatmeal."   She got upset and said, "Oatmeal again? You're lacking nutrients, so you recover slowly. You need to eat more nutritious food!"   I then reflected on my intentions. Am I being overly stubborn? Well, I still felt an urge to puke, and if I puke after drinking her porridge, she might feel bad, so I don't want to take that risk. Hence, I told my grandma, "I'm feeling a bit better than before, but not good enough yet. I think eating light is helpful. I might be able to eat some of your porridge for dinner."   My grandma then said, "You want something light, right? OK I'll go make white rice for you."   I said, "It's OK, just some oatmeal is enough."   She still made the rice for me and told me to eat some, telling me that it's important to eat more if I want to recover faster. At that point, I really did not have an appetite, but I decided that it's time I yield a bit, so I ate a little bit of rice and then said, "This rice is very bland and nice, but I want to go rest now. Maybe I can eat more for dinner."   In the afternoon, she came into my room and gave me a bamboo mat. She said, "I realized your bed doesn't have this bamboo mat, so it's very hot for you when you sleep. I just went outside and bought this for you."   Image Source I was quite touched. My grandma is very old and frail, but she went out of her way to buy this big bamboo mat and carry it home for me. It reminded me that even if she gets a bit angry unnecessarily sometimes, she always has my intentions at heart.   For most of the day, I laid in bed and also ate some medicine that my dad got for me. By dinner time, I indeed felt much better. I then took initiative to go heat up some of that red bean porridge and drink it in front of my grandma. I got mostly soup and very little beans, but then my grandma said I need to eat more and added more beans into my bowl. I didn't argue. She also got some tofu soup for me, and I ate a bit of that. It was rather salty, but I still drank it.   She emphasized to me again that I need to eat a wider variety of foods (because I'm vegan) if I want to get enough nutrients and have a good immune system. I understood her good intentions, and that she probably worried about my health since I got sick, so I didn't bother to debate with her about why I choose to be vegan or that my diet is not related to me getting heatstroke. Instead, I simply thanked her for her care and advice. By the next day, I was pretty much back to normal.   My grandma also told me to not come here again in the summer because it's too hot, but I didn't take her words to heart. I remember my mentor said that when people have extreme emotions, they tend to say things that they don't really mean. For example, in a state of great joy, people might make big promises that they can't keep; in a state of extreme anger, people might say things that they later deeply regret. Taking others' emotional words to heart is not only bad judgment on our part, it's also creating trouble for ourselves. In my grandma's case, I think she felt bad that I got heatstroke during my visit, and in that negative emotional state, she said to not come back in the summer. But objectively speaking, we had a lot of good times during my visit, and the good exceeded the bad. Moreover, we found ways to overcome the heat problem, such as using the bamboo mat and improving the air circulation, so I didn't get heatstroke again afterwards. Overall, it was quite an unexpected challenge to get heatstroke at my grandma's place, but it wasn't necessarily a bad thing. I think it's common for people to have a bad temper when they're sick and uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean it's fair to the people around us. I've been short tempered towards others in the past while sick, so I'm glad that this time, I was able to maintain a peaceful temperament and make my grandma feel respected despite not following her every wish. Weekly Wisdom #351