we will treat people differently, which will then create results different as night and day in our relationships

we will treat people differently, which will then create results different as night and day in our relationships

Of all the relationships, the first one to harmonize should be spouses because they are at the core of This kind of relationship is bound to be harmonious and long-lasting. Children who have good relationships with their parents will be naturally able to extend the respect , we’ll have better relationships with other people, and we’ll be much happier. The most important relationship in the family is that of spouses.

conflict with my parents, but after learning traditional Chinese culture and filial piety, I feel like our relationship

If we have happy relationships, we will be happy. There is one key relationship that serves as the foundation for all your other relationships. Them: "Our relationship with parents?" Me: "Yes! Our relationship with parents is our first relationship, and we nurture our early habits in that relationship As mentioned before, our relationship with parents sets the foundation for our other relationships.

I also learned from Confucianism that the root of all our relationship problems lies in our relationships This would help me calm down and be willing to apologize because I care more about the relationship than When we have good relationships, we will have much more happiness in life.  

At my school, we take our kids out to a nearby sports park every day after lunch for recess. The sports park has a soccer field, a basketball court, mini golf, ping pong, and giant life-sized chess boards. This sports park has a few office buildings beside it, and it is open to the public.   This past Tuesday, I was on lunch duty and took the kids to the sports park with another teacher. Most of the kids were playing soccer, but one kid had a tantrum. Let's call him Joe.   Joe was looking forward to playing with the life-sized chessboard, but when we arrived, it was gone. He then started shouting and crying "IT'S NOT FAIR! YOU GUYS SAID THERE WAS A CHESSBOARD! WHERE'S THE CHESSBOARD!"   Joe is also the same kid who cried about having vegetables put on his pasta , and the school knows he overreacts to many things, so nobody paid much attention to him. But as the teacher, I couldn't just ignore him, so I tried to help him calm down.   I said to him, "Joe, please keep your voice down. We are in public. There are other people around."   He continued shouting, "BUT YOU GUYS SAID THERE WOULD BE A CHESSBOARD HERE! YOU LIED!"   His classmates replied, "Well, there WAS a chessboard here yesterday. But it's gone today. We don't know why either."   He started crying, "WHY DO THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE LIKE THAT!"   I then asked him to take deep breaths and waited for him to calm down a little. He started breathing through a paper bag and then squeezed and broke it with his hand.   After a while, I said, "OK, so there was a chessboard here yesterday, and today it's gone. Things are always changing in life, right? Have you ever told someone something, and then later you found out things changed? You didn't lie to them on purpose. Things changed and you didn't know."   He said, "But I came here for chess! Why do things have to change! I can't take it!"   I said, "Being upset doesn't help. Remember the story we read before about The Girl Who Has a Million Problems ? Who would she do?"   He said, "I don't know."   I said, "Maybe she would bring her own chessboard next time. And she would just go play soccer now."   He then started repeatedly saying, "IT'S NOT FAIR IT'S NOT FAIR IT'S NOT FAIR. I WANT CHESS NOW."   I then got annoyed and said, "What do you mean it's not fair? This park is not your park. Do you see those office buildings over there? The park belongs to them. They are generous to open it to the public. It's already a gift that we can use it. Also, please keep your voice down. If they hear you screaming, they might complain about our school, and then our school might get banned from the park because of your screaming. That would be very unfair to the school. So if you cannot be considerate of other people, then we cannot take you out for lunch recess."   He then started bawling even louder. I was at a loss for words, so I just let him cry until we went back to school.   Later in the last period of school, I was teaching Joe's class English. I prepared a story video with a worksheet.   Joe asked, "Can I have the jello that I forgot to get on Monday?"   I said, "No, I only give out jellos on Mondays when I talk about the chores that different students did at home over the past week."   He said, "But WHY. I forgot to collect it on Monday. Why can't I have it now? It's not fair!"   I then got annoyed and said, "You're right. It's not fair. Do you see any other teachers giving out jello? I spend my own money to buy these jello for students because I want to reward good behavior. But maybe I shouldn't buy any at all if students start demanding them as if they are entitled to them."   He then went silent. When I passed out a worksheet to him, he asked, "Can I not do this worksheet?"   I said, "No. Everyone is doing it."   He then started hyperventilating, crying, and saying, "I can't take it, I can't take it, I can't take it."   Other kids in the class got annoyed and said, "JOE! STOP ACTING LIKE A CRY BABY!"   I then realized I need to curb my impatience and guide the class to be patient. I told them, "OK everyone, Joe is feeling overwhelmed right now. Shouting at him is not helpful. Please give some helpful suggestions for Joe."   One student said, "How about Joe goes cry in the washroom?"   I said, "The washroom is not a nice place to tell someone to cry in."   Another student said, "What about in the counselor room next door? There are comfortable sofa chairs in there."   I said, "That's a good idea. Joe, would you like to go sit on the sofa chairs there and calm down?"   He didn't answer and just continued to whimper.   I said, "OK Joe, I'll give you two options. Option 1 is go to the counselor room next door and calm down, then come back. Option 2, if you think you can calm down here while I play the video, then you can stay. Which option do you want?"   He said, "I don't think I can get up."   I said, "OK, we'll do option 2 then."   I played the video for a few minutes, but Joe just kept crying and saying, "I can't take it. I can't take it. I can't take it." I then took Joe to the office and asked another teacher to help.   After around 15 minutes later, near the end of class, there was a knock at the door. I opened it and saw Joe with a smile on his face. The other teacher said, "Joe, what do you say?" Joe said, "Sorry" with a smile.   I was very surprised. How did Joe go from being out of control to suddenly happy in just 15 minutes? I asked Joe, "So, what happened?"   He said, "Uh I don't know. I guess I had a panic attack."   I said, "Oh. So how did you get better?"   He said with a cheeky smile, "I ate some cookies."   I was speechless. I know he loves food and takes food very seriously (which is why he had a tantrum over vegetables being put on his pasta before), but some cookies were enough to calm his panic attack? Wow.     Later after school, I asked that other teacher what she did to calm Joe down. She explained to me that at first, Joe just kept crying. She said, "Crying isn't helpful. You have to communicate calmly with me what you need." But he just kept crying and even hitting things.   She then asked him, "Joe, are you having a panic attack?"   Joe said, "Maybe?"   She decided to try to distract him. She said, "How about we go for a walk? There's a secret exit that I bet you've never taken before. You wanna check it out?"   He nodded.   She then took him through the back door that students normally aren't allowed to use. Outside, she tried to get his mind off whatever it was that made him so upset. She would say, "Look at the leaves on that tree! And that bird!" Joe then started to calm down and feel better.   After a short walk, they came back to school. As soon as they entered the back door, Joe started to cry again.   The teacher said, "Joe. Crying is not helpful. You have to tell me what's wrong or else I cannot help you."   Joe said, "I DON'T KNOW EITHER. I'M TIRED AND HUNGRY."   She said, "Great! That's very helpful! You're hungry right? We can fix that. Would you be interested in some cookies?"   Joe nodded.   She then got some oreos from the office. She said, "Did you know that if you break apart two oreo cookies, one side has cream while the other side doesn't? And then if you take two of the sides with cream and put them together, you get an extra thick cream oreo sandwich that's even more delicious than a regular oreo? Try it!"   Joe tried it and was really happy.   She then said, "OK, so that solves the hunger problem. You said you're tired. We have 5 more minutes until school ends. Do you want to just wait by the entrance for your dad to come pick you up?"   He said, "Well, I guess I should go back to class and say sorry."   She said, "Wow! OK, great!"     After hearing how this other teacher handled the situation, I reflected on myself and my problems. One of my weaknesses is that I overly focus on logic. I am training myself to become more emotionally intelligent and more empathetic, but clearly, I still have a long way to go.   If I had to summarize a key lesson from this incident, it would be this: "Sometimes, being right isn't helpful. Instead of focusing on what should  be, focus on what's helpful."   Image Source: ChatGPT So at the sports park, yes it's true that he is very loud and disturbing others. Yes it's true that his loud crying might result in complaints. Yes it's true that the school might get banned as a result of Joe's loud crying. But saying this to threaten him when he's already out of emotional control is not helpful. On the contrary, it's pouring oil on the fire. It just makes him feel even worse, causing him to cry even louder. Why didn't I realize this before I said those words?   The root of the problem is my attitude of opposition towards Joe, which created negative emotions like impatience, which then clouded my wisdom. I lacked the cultivation to remain calm and kind in the face of his negative emotions, and my negative emotions amplified his.   On the other hand, the other teacher was considerate towards Joe. When she saw him cry, she didn't think, "Come on! Again? You shouldn't be such a cry baby!" She told me that what she thought was, "What a poor kid. Crying like that is very harmful to his body. How can I help him feel better?"   If I could re-do that incident at the sports park, maybe I would say, "Weird that the chessboard is gone. Why don't we search around the entire park and see if they moved it somewhere else? I'll go with you." And then during the search, I might distract him with other things like "Hey that mini golf looks really fun! Do you want to take a break from the search and play a round first?"   To be able to do that, I need to re-wire my thoughts. I would remind myself that he doesn't like bawling either. It's not that he wants to annoy other people, he just can't control his overly strong emotions sometimes. In that moment, I should either try to make him feel safe and comforted, or get his attention off. Blaming or threatening isn't helpful.   This isn't to say that I don't let him know the seriousness of his loud crying on others. It's just that I need to wait for a suitable time to do it in the future, and at that time, we can also discuss how he could do better next time.   Conclusion Just because it's true doesn't mean we should say it. When people are emotional, focus on being helpful.   Or as Dr. Wayne Dyer said, "When given the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind." Weekly Wisdom #365

I recently heard the saying, "You can either be right or you can be in a relationship." For a relationship to be healthy, we have to care more about the relationship than ourselves. Stated in mathematical terms, Healthy Relationship = Selflessness > Selfishness Our desire to be right Given that different perspectives are all valid, a motto I follow in relationships is "Harmony is always

If we extend this idea broader, it applies to other relationships too, whether it be friends or colleagues

remain humble and sensitive towards others feelings so as to not make others feel bad and harm the relationship ourselves and trying to improve, over time, we will greatly improve our emotional intelligence and relationships

This past week at lunch time, a student got really upset and cried because of vegetables on his pasta. In the moment, I laughed and thought, "Seriously? What a strange and small thing to cry over."   Later at a staff meeting, this student's homeroom teacher talked about the situation and her understanding of why this student had a meltdown over what seemed like a small and silly thing to most people. From her explanation, I felt ashamed of myself for being so inconsiderate towards this child that I would laugh at him. Although it wasn't a mocking type of laugh, it was still a chuckle, which means I didn't take his feelings seriously, and that's disrespectful.   Someone once asked Confucius, "What is one word that a person can hold dear for all of one's life?"   Confucius replied, "Wouldn't that be reciprocity? What you do not wish for yourself, don't do to others."   There have been times when I was emotional over something and really wanted someone else to understand, but they didn't give me understanding, and instead negated my feelings. That felt terrible. Similarly in this situation, this student is having a small meltdown. It doesn’t matter what the matter is, his emotions are real, and I should understand that everyone has their reasons for feeling the way they feel. Just because I don't understand their thinking doesn't mean they lack reason, and it's certainly not right to laugh at them.   From this situation, I also learned that I can't use my own experiences and way of thinking to judge others. I really have to try to see things from their perspective and relate to them using analogies that I can understand. If I lack information to understand their perspective, then the least I should do is withhold judgment until I can gather more information.   Image Source So what caused this student to cry over vegetables on pasta? Many factors.   For context, my school serves lunch to students who ordered lunch, but the school only provides vegetarian options. The student mentioned earlier is a new student, and his doctor said he is a bit overweight, so his mother ordered vegetarian lunches for him for health reasons. I've seen him bring unhealthy snacks to school, so I can infer that he eats a lot of junk food, and these foods are very tasty and addictive.   I'm also guessing that his mother didn't get her son's consent to eat vegetarian lunches every day. After all,  he complained many times that the food isn't tasty, and we told him, "If you don't like it, you can ask your mom to bring you your own lunch. But currently, your mom paid for vegetarian lunches, so that's what we will give you."   As an aside, I've also told this student before, "It's very rude for you to criticize the school's food in front of others. The school doesn't have to provide food for you. It's only because some parents are too busy to cook and asked the school to provide food that we do it. It's very rude and ungrateful to complain when others are trying to help you and your parents. Moreover, the school tries hard to provide a range of delicious vegetarian options. Everyone else enjoys the food, so maybe the problem isn't the food, but rather your own pickiness."   Another aside: When I found out that his mother is forcing him to eat vegetarian lunches but still giving him unhealthy snacks, I felt this was a bit hypocritical. She gets to give her son unhealthy snacks, so her son likes her, but then she makes the school give vegetarian food, so the school has to deal with all of her son's complaints. Isn't that making others take the blame for your own decision?   But then I told myself again, everyone has their reasons for doing what they do. I then thought about it some more. If I were in that mother's situation, why might I do what she did? Then a reason came clearly to me. Perhaps she tried to negotiate with her son to eat healthier, and her son argued back a lot, saying he doesn't want to. So in order to come to an agreement, she told him he can still eat snacks as long as he eats vegetarian lunches.     Back to the student. Given that he is being forced against his will to eat vegetarian, and that he might have withdrawal symptoms from not eating the junk food that he used to eat, I can start to understand why he'd get so emotional over vegetables. It's sort of like someone being forced to stop smoking when they're addicted; it takes a big emotional toll!   But there's more. The day of his meltdown was a Friday, and the Friday previous, the school gave pizza, and he was really happy that day. He thought every Friday would be pizza day, so he was looking forward to pizza the next Friday. When he arrived at school in the morning, he immediately said, " Today's pizza day, right? " But the teachers said, " We don't know. " Later at lunch time, when he found out it's not pizza, but rather pasta, he already started tearing up. I can imagine if I was looking forward to something for a whole week, and I had to endure a week of suffering for it, then to suddenly find out it's not happening, I'd feel upset too.   Then he saw a staff member put vegetables onto the pasta, and then he had a meltdown and started bawling, "How can you put vegetables on pasta! You can't do that! That's just wrong! I can't eat that!" Although I really do not agree that putting vegetables on pasta is wrong, I also should not use my experiences and way of thinking to judge others. I should instead try to relate to others by analogy.   Everyone has their own food preferences, and people tend to feel very strongly about food too. Some people think putting pineapple on pizza is just wrong; others love it. Some people love durian; others can't stand it. Well, it turns out some people think putting vegetables on pasta is just wrong; others think it's fine. I don't have to feel the same way towards vegetables on pasta as him, but I should at least acknowledge that his feelings are valid, and they have a legitimate reason.   I then thought of a food that disgusted me, and I thought of natto, which is a sort of fermented soybean that is really gooey and strange-tasting (at least to me). Although I think it's not tasty, some people actually like it; otherwise, it wouldn't be popular enough to be sold in restaurants and grocery stores. There isn't a definitive right or wrong here; it's all just personal preference. So perhaps seeing vegetables being put on his pasta would be like me seeing natto being put on my favorite food. He was probably thinking, "My delicious pasta just got ruined!"   If I made empathy and reciprocity a stronger habit, then when I saw him cry, my immediate response wouldn't be to laugh or to judge him for being immature. Instead, I would feel bad for him, I would believe that he definitely has a valid reason to cry, and I would take him to a room and patiently wait for him to calm down to talk with him.   Of course, understanding his perspective doesn't mean I would affirm it. I would still try to teach him that crying and whining is unhelpful and rude, and that we should learn to control our emotions and communicate in a respectful way. But if we don't let them feel understood and cared for first, then they won't be able to calm down and listen to our advice. Or worse, if we negate their feelings, then they'll become even more emotional and oppose us or even resent us.   Conclusion Thank you to this student for helping me realize my lack of empathy and reciprocity. Have you ever encountered a situation where you found it hard to understand others and judged them for it? How might you relate to them now? Weekly Wisdom #362

Have you ever done something with good or neutral intentions, but it didn't turn out so well? Perhaps others got annoyed or misunderstood you. Or perhaps you unintentionally created trouble for others. Icon sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 We are all human, so we all make mistakes. The important thing is to learn from them. In addition to learning from our own mistakes, we can also learn from other people's mistakes. I'll share some of mine here to help you avoid the same mistakes： Don't give away things without permission If you're doing something for someone, check with them before and after Don't publicly ask questions that the person cannot answer Consider other people's ability before asking them to do something 1: Don't give away things without permission This past week, I was out in my garden with my mother. A neighbor came over to give my mother some seeds. My mother was delighted, and as always, she went to pick some garden vegetables for the visitor. Seeing my mom always fond of giving gifts, I thought I should follow her example. She was picking fresh celery for the visitor, and I remembered she picked some tomatoes earlier in the day. I said, "How about I get a couple tomatoes that you picked earlier?" She didn't reply. Since the visitor already heard me mention the tomatoes, it felt awkward if I didn't get it for him, so I went to get a couple tomatoes. After he left, my mother told me, " Earlier I told grandpa that those tomatoes were for him. " Suddenly, I understood why my mother didn't reply earlier. It would be awkward for her to say, "No, don't give tomatoes to the neighbor. Those are for grandpa." But she also can't say yes. So she didn't say anything. I then reflected on how to avoid the same mistake next time. In the future, if I know a visitor is coming, I can check with my mom beforehand about what gift she wants to give. If the visitor came without prior notice, then I shouldn't offer any gifts; instead, I should let my mom offer the gifts. This way, I won't accidentally mention something that she doesn't want to give away. If there is something I think she can give, but she didn't give it, I can ask my mom about it after the guest leaves. Either my mom says, "No, I don't want to give that," in which case not saying anything was smart, or my mom says "Oh yeah we should give that!" in which case we can still give it to the guest later. This actually happened another time, when my mother's friend came over. As usual, my mother went to get a bunch of garden vegetables for her friend. We had just gotten a box of mooncakes from a neighbor, so I was thinking my mom might want to give those mooncakes to the visitor. But the whole time, my mother never mentioned it. I didn't say anything just in case mom had other plans for the mooncake. After the visitor left, I asked my mom about it, and she said, "Oh yeah, I forgot!" I said, "Well, this situation is better than if I had mentioned the mooncakes and you didn't actually want to give them. Besides, you gave her so much garden vegetables already, forgetting the mooncakes is hardly a problem." 2: If you're doing something for someone, check with them before and after Usually, my mother cooks breakfast. One day, I noticed my mom didn't cook breakfast at the usual time. I thought perhaps she was still busy finishing up her morning reading. I happened to be free, so I decided to cook. I saw that there wasn't much food in the fridge, so I cooked some noodles. Later, my mom came and said, "Huh, why did you cook noodles? There's enough leftovers from yesterday for breakfast." I said, "Really? I checked the fridge and didn't see much." She then opened the fridge and showed me that there were leftovers at the back behind a bag of vegetables. I realized that I could have prevented this trouble if I had simply checked with my mom if I should cook breakfast or not instead of assuming that she forgot or was too busy. Another time, I tried cooking a new kind of potato pancake. I thought it was pretty good and wanted to cook more. But I remembered to check with my mom to see if she likes it. She said it's OK, but she prefers regular pancakes. It's a good thing I asked, or else she might feel awkward to say that she doesn't like it that much, and I would have made a lot more potato pancakes. I heard a term called " loving you without your permission, " which refers to when people do something that they think is good for others, but the receiver does not want it. For example, a parent forces their child to take art classes when the child really has no interest in art. This is a lack of consideration and empathy on the giver's part. If I had cooked more potato pancakes for my mom without asking her if she likes it, I would have committed " loving you without your permission. " 3: Don't publicly ask questions that the person cannot answer In the course I'm taking, our class leader often communicates things to us on behalf of our professor. Recently, she was explaining to us how to submit our assignment online. We have to submit in two places: draft and final copy. Originally, we were told that we can submit multiple times in the draft location to check the plagiarism score, but it turns out we can only submit once. I asked, "What's the point of submitting to the rough copy if we can't submit multiple times? Maybe we should check with the school to see if there's an error with the website?" She said, "Yeah I don't know either. OK." Afterwards, I felt I might have made her look bad in front of the class because I asked a question that she couldn't answer. My intention was neutral, but my lack of consideration and sensitivity resulted in making her look bad. In the future, I should make sure that my question is one that the person can actually answer. If not, I should ask in private, not in front of the whole class. Also, I should be more polite and humble when I ask. For example, I could have said, "It seems strange that we cannot submit multiple times. Could I trouble you to check with the school and see if it's an error on their side?" 4: Consider other people's ability before asking them to do something It's Teacher's Day next week, and I was thinking of getting some classmates together to create a collective gift. I felt like our teacher would be happy to see us classmates working together. But the idea I had in mind requires quite a bit of time from each person. I thought about it, and my classmates are all very busy people, and it would be quite awkward if even one person couldn't commit. I remember this actually happened to me before. Another classmate wanted all of us to make a video together for a teacher, and it was really rushed too. The thing is, if a few people do it, it's very awkward if the remaining classmates don't join, so we're kind of pressured into doing it. I don't want to give pressure to other people, so I decided to not suggest this idea. I heard another story related to this topic. One time, a person told a monk, "The next time you guys have a charitable project, let me know. I want to donate." A few months later, the monk found out his master had a charitable project to do. He was about to call that person, but his master stopped him and said, "Wait. Are you trying to collect a debt?" He was utterly confused and said, "Master, this person told me a few months ago that she wants to contribute to the next charitable project. It's her wish." The master said, "I know you think you are keeping a promise, but think about it. It's been a few months. Maybe back then, she had money that she wanted to donate. But after these few months, it's very possible that she might have already used the money elsewhere. If you call her now and ask her to donate, and she doesn't have that money anymore, then you will cause a lot of embarrassment for her." The monk said, "I understand now. I'll wait for her to call me then." Conclusion It's great to have good intentions, but we must remember that good intentions alone are not enough to produce good results. We need to have wisdom and consideration. We are all human, so we will all make mistakes. There's no need to frustrate over our mistakes. As long as we learn from them each time, we will grow in wisdom. And before we do anything that we think is good, we should always consider the impact on others and how they might feel, and it's usually better to check with them before and after the matter. Do you have any experiences where your good intentions didn't lead to good results? What did you learn? Weekly Wisdom #256