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Recently in a class meeting, my mentor criticized me for not responding to his messages, so he didn't know if I received them or not, and that if I do this to others, they might think I take their help for granted. I promptly said, "Oh I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel ignored. I think I must've misunderstood you before, because I remember you said to us in a previous meeting that we shouldn't always try to be the last person to leave a message in the chat. So I interpreted it as we should reduce the amount of messages we send to you. But now I know that we should still send a message of acknowledgement."   After the meeting, I remembered one of my mentor's teachings: "If someone criticizes you, you shouldn't explain yourself on the spot. Otherwise, it's clear you have a big ego, and people won't bother telling you your problems in the future. Then you'll be walking a dangerous path. If their criticism is accurate, then acknowledge your fault and fix it. If their criticism is inaccurate, then simply thank them for their criticism and guard against it in the future. No need to explain yourself."   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 I thought back to the meeting and wondered, "Did I make the mistake of explaining myself to my mentor's criticism?"   I then sent a message to my mentor: "I thought back to the meeting yesterday, and I wonder if I made the mistake of explaining myself in the face of criticism? I certainly didn't have any intention to argue. I acknowledged my fault and apologized first. And then I wanted to report that I realized where my thinking went wrong as a way to check with you that my thinking is now correct. Does this count as 'explaining oneself in the face of criticism'?   Also, what exactly did you mean before when you said 'we shouldn't always try to be the last person to leave a message in the chat'? I thought that meant we don't always need to say 'Got it, thanks', but now I can't think of any situation in which we don't need to reply to the other person's message.   Thank you for your time and guidance."   My mentor replied, "You can ask your colleague Bob for his thoughts first."   I then asked my colleague, and he told me, " If our superior criticizes us and we explain ourselves on the spot, regardless of our intention, others might think we are indignant and arguing. Unless our superior asked us why we did what we did, we shouldn't explain ourselves. As for the message part, I wonder if you misheard? Maybe he said in a meeting, don't try to be the last person to speak? Or maybe he was referring to group chats?"   I replied, "Oh I get it now! OK I'll know for the future. Unless others ask me to explain myself, I shouldn't take initiative to explain myself. As for the second question, I remember quite clearly that the context was for private chats, specifically with him, not group chats or meetings."   He said, "Oh, I kind of remember now. I think he was saying that if he sends a message, then we reply 'Got it, thank you', then sometimes he might reply a sticker or emoji. In that case, we don't need to reply another sticker or emoji."   I replied, "Oh that makes sense! OK I'll double check with him and get back to you."   My mentor said, "Yes, you two got it. Good job."   Further Reflections In my observation, nearly everyone naturally explains themselves in the face of criticism and misunderstanding. After all, it's an uncomfortable feeling to be misunderstood, so we want to clear up that misunderstanding to feel better. But here's the kicker: How often does explaining ourselves immediately actually result in us feeling better or actually helps the situation?   In my observation, it seems that explaining ourselves immediately usually makes the situation worse rather than better. Why? Because when we desire to explain ourselves, our mood is that of upset, hurt, annoyance, and anger. The energy we give is the energy we attract , so when we speak with this kind of negative energy, we will attract similar energy from the other person.   When we explain ourselves because we feel misunderstood, we are not telling them, "Yes, you are right, I understand you ." If we do that, then there'd be no conflict. When we explain ourselves, we are indirectly telling them, "No, you are wrong. You have bad judgment and bad observation abilities. You shouldn't have said what you said."   But think about it: for them to have that "incorrect view" towards us, surely, we must've done something to give them that impression. Oftentimes, we are unaware that our actions repeatedly left a negative impression in others' eyes. Then when they finally voice it to us, we feel surprised and argue back. But their behavior is not unfounded, so we should not get annoyed at them for being "unreasonable". If we were truly humble and considerate, we'd apologize for causing them trouble and unhappiness rather than explain ourselves, which is really just an indirect way of arguing.   In my case, when I explained myself to my mentor, I felt like my intention was to clear up a misunderstanding and confirm that I understood his words. That is certainly true, but is it the whole truth? If I dig deeper, is there an aspect of wanting to reduce my blame and responsibility? This is where the ego starts resisting deeper reflection because the ego hates being wrong, blamed, or criticized. The ego is responsible for all our suffering and relationship conflicts, so we have to overcome the ego and not deceive ourselves. Indeed, there must be some percentage of wanting to reduce my blame and responsibility; Otherwise, I would simply say, "Yes, you're right. I'm sorry for not replying to your messages to acknowledge that I received them."   Although I was unclear about why my mentor said "Don't always try to be the last person to leave a message in the chat" , I didn't have to bring it up right away. If I deeply felt bad for making my mentor feel disrespected, or I was deeply grateful for my mentor's advice, I wouldn't be in the mood to say, "But you said try not to be the last person to leave a message in the chat" , because I wouldn’t want to risk him thinking I am pushing blame onto him. I would just ask him about it later.   So why didn't I have this sense back then? Because my ego is still too sensitive. When my ego is hurt, all I can think of is my own feelings, resulting in the lack of ability to be considerate towards how others feel and how others might interpret my actions. Therefore, the matter of "not explaining ourselves right away in the face of criticism" isn't simply forcing ourselves to not explain ourselves right away (though this is certainly necessary). At a deeper level, it's about dampening the ego and cultivating humility and consideration towards others.   I remember in the book Teamwork 101,  leadership expert John Maxwell said that the most important factor to team success is harmony. There's also a Chinese idiom that goes, "When the family is harmonious, everything else flourishes."   If we want our life to flourish, we have to build harmony with others, and for that, we must cultivate our humility and kindness (consideration towards others' feelings). If you criticize a humble person, he'd apologize and accept your criticism. If you criticize a considerate person, she'd apologize for causing you trouble and promise to do better in the future. How could a conflict possibly start with a humble and considerate person?   As long as one person is humble and considerate, there's no way for a conflict to start. Whether or not the other person can be that humble and considerate person is out of our control, and frankly speaking, demanding others is a big cause of suffering for ourselves. We want to improve ourselves, and it's already so hard to practice, let alone other people who may not yet see the importance of cultivating virtues. The only option then, is to cultivate humility and kindness ourselves, to give others understanding rather than demand them to give it to us, and to view others' criticisms and misunderstandings as training to elevate our virtues. Whoever puts in such efforts will enjoy the sweet rewards of harmony and prosperity. Concluding Thoughts Do you have the desire to explain yourself right away in the face of criticisms and misunderstandings? Do you reply to others' messages in a timely manner? Weekly Wisdom #315

Image Source Everyone knows how to listen, right? Well, although we have ears, that doesn't equate to being able to listen effectively. How can we judge our listening skills? According to the International Listening Association , if we have strong listening abilities, we would have Good relationships Effective conflict resolution (for relationships) Effective problem solving (for matters) Reduced stress (misunderstandings are stressful!) Increased productivity (bad communication wastes time; doing the wrong work wastes time) Trust (people trust someone who is good at listening) Personal growth (good listening skills help us to learn and improve)   I also remember an important lesson that one of my mentors in business school taught me: "In every facet of life, whether you realize it or not, you’re selling your ideas to other people. If you want others to do something, you have to sell them on it. The greatest sales technique in the world is listening. Listen to the other person, figure out what they want, and show them how what you offer helps them get what they want."   Looking at all those signs and benefits of effective listening, we can then ask ourselves, "Do I need to work on my listening abilities?"  I don't know about you, but I certainly do! So how can we improve our listening ability? First, we need to know and remove obstacles to effective listening.   Here is a great analogy: Imagine you want to pour water into a cup. Image Source If the cup is covered with a lid, or if the cup is upside down, then water cannot go in. First, we have to remove the lid and place the cup upright so that the water can go in. But if the cup is dirty, then the water that goes in will also become dirty. Worse, if the cup has poison in it, then the water that goes in will become poison. So we have to make sure our cup is clean and empty. Third, if the cup has a hole at the bottom, then the water that goes in will leak out, so we also have to make sure the cup doesn't have any holes.   Take a minute to make the connection between that analogy and our listening abilities. Then keep reading.     This analogy tells us three major obstacles to effective listening. The first one is simply not listening to them. Perhaps we were daydreaming, multitasking, or thinking about other things while they were talking. Or perhaps we're just not interested in listening. Or we just don't care about them enough.   The second obstacle is having a bad attitude, such as prejudice and arrogance. There is a phenomenon called confirmation bias , and it means people have a tendency to only pay attention to information that confirms their existing beliefs. When it comes to listening, prejudice is like poison. For example, if we believe they are the problem, that they need to change and apologize, then no matter what they say, we won't feel understanding and empathy towards them, we'll just keep blaming them . Or we hold on to too many of their past faults and negative impressions in our minds, such that before they even speak, we already believe they're going to be just like before. This kind of attitude really poisons relationships.   Another example is having a sensitive ego , such that when others criticize us, we feel uncomfortable and defend ourselves. When it comes to matters, a bad attitude is being stubborn about our way of doing things, such that when others suggest or request a different way, we negate them without giving their suggestion a fair chance. In all these situations, the probably isn't what the other person said, the problem is our attitude.   The third obstacle is forgetfulness. For example, the other person asked us to do three things, and we forgot one of them. Or we listened to a one-hour class or meeting, but afterwards, we forgot a lot of the content. Or sometimes we remember to have a good listening attitude, which builds trust with them, but other times we forget, which results in that trust going down the drain.   Now that we know the obstacles to effective listening, the next question is how to overcome these obstacles. Below are eight important methods.   1: Be motivated to listen. Imagine I told you,  "If you can remember all the key messages I say in the next half an hour, I will give you a million dollars."  Do you think you'd be able to do it? So motivation is critical. To raise our motivation, we can remind ourselves of the importance of effective listening mentioned at the beginning of this article. Having happy relationships is not something money can buy, and the joy of happy relationships is arguably better than anything money can buy. Good relationships are priceless. On the other hand, conflicts and misunderstandings are a major source of stress for us, and a big reason for these conflicts is our ineffective listening.   Aside from the importance of listening, we can also remind ourselves of why we care about the other person. Listening to them is an act of love and care, so when we remember that we care about them, we'll feel more motivated to listen better. 2: Be present and focused. When the other person is speaking, we need to guard our mind against wandering off and thinking about other things. To help us focus, we should pay attention to not just hearing their words, but also pay attention to their facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice. Really try to hear the deeper meaning behind their words; hear what's not being said. 3: Confirm your understanding. After they finish speaking, we can check if we understood them correctly. This refers to both the content of their speech as well as their feelings and any unspoken messages. For example, we might say, "I'd like to check that I understood you correctly. Your meaning is…" "It looks to me like you are feeling…" "I'd like to check that I got all the main points you mentioned. They are…right?"   When we do this, we reduce the risk of misunderstandings by inviting them to clarify. Moreover, others will feel very respected and happy.   4: Write important things down and review them. If the other person asked us to do something or to remember certain things, we can show our respect and carefulness by promptly writing it down. When we write it down, it's also a good time to check our understanding.   If necessary, we should also review what we wrote at appropriate times. For example, in a meeting, we should take meeting notes. Then before the next meeting or conversation, we can review the notes. This way, during the next meeting or conversation, we can say, "I remember in the previous meeting/conversation you told me XZY.  I've already acted on that, and here is my update/progress report."   5: Be respectful and polite. Respect is arguably the most basic element to effective listening. All the methods mentioned in this article relate to respect. Respect is an attitude, while politeness refers to our actions. We should also abide by rules of etiquette and basic politeness. For example, we shouldn't interrupt them, slouch, or do other things while they are talking. If we truly view them as important, we would listen to them until they are finished speaking and pay careful attention to what they are saying. We would also sit or stand straight, face them, and make eye contact while they are talking. These actions all help us to raise our respect and attention.   6: Let go of prejudice and any negative emotions. Wayne Dyer said, "If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."   Similarly, if we change our attitude towards others, they become a different person in our eyes, and their words will have different meaning to our ears. So don't be a cup with dirt or poison inside. Let go of past negative impressions. Don't think it's going to be the same as always. Don't try to predict what they will say. Listen with an open mind and try to give them kindness and understanding just like you would to a good friend.   7: Focus on understanding others. A lot of people will think about what they're going to say next while the other person is talking. This is a bad habit that hinders us from effective communication. If we plan a response when they haven't even finished talking, then our response will likely miss the mark. If we instead focus on understanding them, then when they finish speaking, we will naturally be able to respond in an appropriate way. Like any habit, it takes practice and time to change, so don't fret if you got distracted again. Just focus on bringing that attention back to the other person.   When it comes to conflicts and misunderstandings, it's even more important to focus on understanding others. In Book 1 Chapter 16 of The Analects of Confucius , Confucius said, "Do not worry about others not understanding you. Worry about not understanding others."   This runs contrary to our natural inclinations, but our natural inclinations here are harmful. Why? Because in a conflict, if we are always focused on ourselves, on trying to protect our self-image, on telling others how they misunderstood us, then we are bringing an attitude of opposition to the conversation. This is analogous to being a cup with poison inside. When they try to explain themselves and seek our understanding, we'll feel like they don't understand us, and we'll argue with them and negate their feelings. This creates more and more conflict.   If we instead let go of the desire to be understood, at least temporarily, and focus on letting them feel understood, then we can turn an argument into a harmonious and productive conversation. Once they feel understood, they'll feel grateful and touched, and then they'll be willing to understand us back. It only takes one person's attitude shift to create a harmonious and productive conversation, and there's only one person's attitude we can control. 8: Resist the urge to advise or lecture others. Do you know anybody who always likes to give other people advice or lecture others? When you talk to them, you might not even be looking for advice, but then they start advising you. Or maybe you are looking for advice, but before you could fully explain yourself, they start advising you. Or perhaps they finished listening to you, but once they start advising you, they can't stop talking, or they are really pushy with their advice.   In Book 4A Chapter 23 of the book Mencius , the Chinese philosopher Mencius said, "The trouble with people lies in their liking to advise others."   The problem isn't the matter of advising others. The problem is the attitude of liking to advise others because this type of attitude lacks respect and consideration for others. It is also one of arrogance and self-centeredness. One who is fond of advising others thinks that they are really wise and that their advice is definitely right, which can make them seem pushy in the eyes of others.   Moreover, since they enjoy giving advice so much, they can't resist the urge to cut the other person off and say, "I already know your problem. Let me tell you how to solve it."  This is quite rude, and the other person will feel disrespected and not understood. If we want to be an effective listener, we have to let go of the desire to advise others and focus on letting them feel understood.   Another situation I've encountered is when the other person is just looking to vent their emotions and get some affirmation and understanding. After they finish explaining their situation, I start telling them what they should do to solve their problem. Then they get upset. When this happened to me, I thought to myself, "You told me your problem, and I gave you advice. Isn't this normal? Why are you upset?"  But if I were more sensitive to other people's feelings, I'd realize they aren't looking for a solution, they already know what they should do, but they have emotions to vent, and they are purely looking for affirmation and understanding.   Just to be clear, this does not mean we cannot give others advice. The problem is not the matter, it's the attitude. Usually, if others didn't even ask us for advice, yet we are eager to give advice, this is a troublesome attitude. But if they finished speaking and asked us for our advice, it's obviously suitable and natural for us to give some advice. Of course, we need to guard against being pushy or talking excessively.   If they didn't ask us for our advice, but we feel there's something important we need to tell them, then we can also ask them if they'd like our advice. We might say, "There's something important that I want to tell you. Can I tell you now?"  or "I have some advice that you could consider. Would you like to hear it?" Notice how the wording is very humble and respectful.   Conclusion Just because we have ears that can hear doesn't mean we have good listening abilities. In fact, most of us were probably never taught how to listen well, which is quite problematic given how important listening is to our lives. Therefore, it is up to us to learn and practice good listening. As for other people, the best thing we can do is to role model good listening to them (as opposed to getting upset at them and demanding them to be better listeners when we ourselves have the same problem).   This article talked about three major obstacles and eight methods for effective listening. Ultimately, the most important factor is our attitude: if we are motivated to listen, if we respect them and care about them, then we will naturally listen well, and we would enjoy many rewards, such as happier relationships, better problem solving, reduced stress, and personal growth. Let's all do our part to contribute to a world of good listeners. Weekly Wisdom #316

Whether it's Christmas, a birthday, an anniversary, or even daily life, the art of gift giving is essential! A poorly thought-out gift leaves a bad impression, while a well thought-out gift brings great joy to everyone. Here are five wonderful and free gift ideas, plus a bonus idea at the end! Image Source: Unsplash 1: Words of Affirmation Did you know that good relationships typically have a 5:1 compliment to criticism ratio ? And excellent relationships have a 20:1 compliment to criticism ratio! In other words, people really appreciate compliments and affirmations. We can give others a handwritten note or a card complimenting their positive qualities. Example: "Dear Mom, thanks for being such a caring person and helping everyone in the family have harmony. I am fortunate to have a great mother like you! Merry Christmas and happy new year!" 2: Words of Gratitude The most common complaint in the workplace is " You can do a hundred right and not hear a thing about it, but if you do one thing wrong, they're all over you. " This complaint is not just true for the workplace, but also for personal relationships too! Our words of gratitude just might make someone's day! Example: "Hi Andy, thank you for being my meditation buddy and keeping me accountable to maintain this healthy habit. I'm fortunate to have a great friend like you! Merry Christmas and happy new year!" 3: Quality Time When it comes to relationships, it's not how much time we spend with others that matters but rather the quality of that time. Some ideas here could be doing something with them that they really like, such as playing their favorite board game, or watching their favorite movie and then talking about it with them after, or joining them for a hobby of theirs. Example: "Happy Birthday Leon! I know you love to watch Avengers. Here's a ticket for us to watch Avengers whenever you want! I'll buy the snacks!" 4: Act of Service (Favor) This gift is especially appreciated by people who show their love through actions rather than words. For example, some people show their love by doing the chores or cooking or running errands. For these people, we can do their chores as a gift. Example: "Dear grandma, thanks for always cooking delicious meals for us whenever we visit. Today, you can rest, and I will cook for you!" 5: Prayer Some people might not be in the festive spirit due to personal reasons. For them, we can give them the gift of prayer or best wishes. Example: "Dear Judy, I know things are challenging right now. I am here for you, and I am praying for you (or I am wishing the best for you)." Bonus Idea: Philanthropy Most of us have too much stuff, and we often have to pretend to be happy to get more stuff that we don't need. Well, rather than getting people stuff that they probably don't need or want, we can give them the gift of philanthropy! In the past, I used to make donations using the names of other people. Recently, I found a website called Charity Choice . It's great because I can send a gift card and let the receiver choose the charity from a big list. I can also design a customized picture (I like to send a past picture of me and the receiver) to go with the gift. Conclusion This article went over six different gift ideas, five of which are totally free. To make your gift even better, you can combine multiple ideas. For example, you could give words of affirmation AND an act of service AND a charity donation! If you bought a physical gift, adding one of these free gifts would be the icing on the cake. Gift giving does not need to be arduous or expensive. The key is to give a gift that is thoughtful, meaningful, and sincere. As Maya Angelou said, people might forget what we did or what we said, but they will never forget how we made them feel!

Imagine you organized a party for some special guests. You put in a lot of effort to book the venue, to pick the best food, to put up decorations, and to pick a special gift. During the party, would you tell your guests all the effort you put in? Image Source I am from North America, and the North American culture tends to be very direct. I would probably tell my guests all the effort I put in to organize the party, to pick the foods that they like, to find the best decorations, to pick a useful gift, etc. All of this shows how much I care about them. After all, I wouldn't put in this much effort for just anyone. However, different cultures have different customs. I learned that in eastern cultures, they wouldn't say all the hard work they put in. In fact, they even downplay all their effort, saying that they did not put much effort, that the food isn't that good, that the gift isn't that thoughtful. I was totally astonished to learn this. Why would they do that?! Wouldn't that make the person feel like they aren't important? When I learned their reasons, I realized there is merit to their way of thinking. Firstly, we should not be arrogant to assume that we did a great job. Perhaps we think we did a great job preparing the food or picking a thoughtful gift, but the other person does not think so. Then it would be very awkward. Moreover, no one likes people who boast about themselves or are self-assuming. I remember seeing a friend give what he thought was an amazing gift to someone, but that person did not have a big reaction, so he was disappointed, and the receiver felt awkward. If he had downplayed his efforts, he wouldn't have been so disappointed, and the receiver wouldn't have felt so awkward. Secondly, we don't want to give pressure to others or make them feel like they burdened us. They might not like the food, or perhaps the gift isn't something they want. When we assert how much effort we put into it, they feel awkward and have to pretend to like it, or they feel embarrassed that they made us go through so much trouble. Indeed, I've had to pretend to like gifts that others gave me, or pretend to enjoy the food at a certain restaurant. No one enjoys being fake. If instead, we downplay our efforts, then there won't be any awkwardness. It's important to add that in eastern cultures, after the host downplays their effort, the guest is supposed to praise the host, saying, " No no, your food is good! Oh I love the gift! " This helps to build a good relationship between them. But if the host already praised herself, then it's not very meaningful for the guest to praise the host. Which Standard Should I Follow? So, is there a "correct" or "best" custom to follow? Well, the best custom to follow is probably the one that your specific location is used to. As the saying goes, When in Rome, do as the Romans do. In other words, we should respect and follow the local traditions (otherwise you will annoy and confuse people). If I am in an eastern country like China or Japan, I definitely should not emphasize how much effort I put into my gift. But even if I am in North America, I could still be more careful to not emphasize my effort too much so as to avoid seeming arrogant and giving others pressure. For example, this past Christmas, I got some gifts for some friends. I personally thought the gifts were very thoughtful and high quality, and they actually cost a lot more than what I would normally spend on a Christmas gift. However, I didn't say anything about the effort or money. All I said was, " Oh yeah I thought you might like it! " I purposefully said "might" instead of " I knew you would like it! " to avoid giving them pressure just in case they didn't actually like it. I also did not mention the price so that they would not feel pressured to get me an expensive gift in the future. However, I did not downplay my efforts and say, " I just picked it kind of randomly. It's not that thoughtful. " That would seem strange and uncaring in North America. My friends told me they genuinely loved the gift. I can feel happy knowing that I did not pressure them to say those words, that those words are their sincere feelings. Extension: The Art of Etiquette Ultimately, gift giving is a form of etiquette and manners. We can also extend this idea towards many other things in life. Below are a couple examples: 1: Restaurant Meals When ordering food at a restaurant, we don't need to be so direct and say, " I will order this pasta dish specifically for you because I know you love pasta. " That would give them pressure to like that pasta, or they feel like a burden that you cannot order what you want to order because of them. Instead, we can say, " Oh this pasta dish sounds like it might be good! We can try it! " If there are shared dishes, offer for others to take some first. Also, try to not eat too fast or too slow compared to others. That way, it won't be awkward if someone finishes much earlier or much later than everyone else. 2: Favors Instead of saying, " Let me help you do the dishes ," we can ask, " Could I do the dishes? " If we say, " Let me help you, " we are being self-assuming that we are helpful, that they want our help. We will also think we were great for helping them, and we might be upset if they don't thank us. That then gives them pressure or makes them feel like they burdened us. By saying, " Could I do the dishes? ", we are being humble and considerate of their feelings. After doing a favor or task for someone, we don't need to say, " I spent so much time and hard work to do that task for you. " They might think, " Oh. Well, I'm sorry for being such a burden to you. I guess you don't want to put in all that effort for me? " or " Did you really put in a lot of effort? You didn't even do the job well! " Instead, we can simply say, " I finished that task. Let me know if it is OK. " This is much more humble. Conclusion We all like people who are humble and considerate. When doing things for others or giving them gifts, we can practice humility and consideration by downplaying our efforts. This way, we don't seem arrogant, and they don't feel pressured to appreciate us or feel like they burdened us. Weekly Wisdom #221

I'm teaching etiquette to middle school children this year, and in class, I reminded students that it's rude to interrupt others when they are talking, and that they should instead raise their hand and wait until the speaker is done talking and invites them to speak. I also told them that etiquette is very reasonable, and that if they ever feel like any rule of etiquette is unreasonable, we can discuss it. Image Source: Unsplash  One student asked, "You said it's impolite to interrupt others, but pretty much everyone does it, so is it really that impolite?"   Another student said, "Also, sometimes I have something important to say on the topic that just came up, and if I wait until later, I'm afraid I'll forget. Even if I don't forget, if I say it later, the feeling and impact won't be the same."   I first said, "I really like how you guys are thinking critically about etiquette and asking these questions. It will help us gain a deeper understanding of etiquette, which will then help us absorb its spirit and practice it better."   To the first student, I said, "Nowadays, people don't really learn etiquette growing up. We learn the basics like saying please and thank you, but it's really quite limited and shallow. Etiquette is a deep and broad subject, and most people don't understand much about etiquette, so impolite behavior is quite common. But just because it's common doesn't mean it's good or polite. If we want the world to become more polite, we have to start with ourselves.   Perhaps some people might think being interrupted is not that big of a deal, but what about most people? What about the typical person? If you pulled some random people off the street and asked them, 'Do you like being interrupted?', most people would probably say no. Even for yourself, perhaps you understand why others might interrupt you so you don't get upset at them, but wouldn't you still prefer it if others didn't interrupt you?"   That student nodded in agreement.   To the second student, I said, "I totally understand that feeling of wanting to say something now because we're afraid we'll forget later, and that the feeling would be different if we don't say it now. But that's just one side of the situation. Every situation has many perspectives and factors to consider. What other factors can you guys think of?"   We then discussed it as a class, and we thought of six more factors aside from our own perspectives.   1: The Other Person's Perspective Aside from our own perspective, the other most obvious factor is the other person's perspective. If they get interrupted, would they be happy towards us? If we interrupt them and it's truly beneficial to them, and they would agree that it's best that we interrupted them sooner rather than wait, then maybe it's a good idea to interrupt them. Otherwise, it's probably better if we wait for them to finish speaking first.   2: Our Goal We should always consider what our goal is when doing anything. If we have something important to say, our goal is for them to truly listen to us, right? The thing is, if they are in the middle of talking, and then we interrupt them, would they be able to suddenly shift their full attention to listen to us? Or would they be thinking, "I want to finish what I was saying!"   If we say our idea, but they're not ready to listen, then they might resist the idea simply because they feel annoyed at being interrupted. Wouldn't that be such a waste of a good idea? There's a reason why restaurants present their food so nicely. If they made a really nice meal with fine ingredients, but the presentation looks bad, people will think it's a cheap meal. Similarly, if our idea is really important, we should set up the perfect moment to present the idea to maximize its chances of being accepted.   3: Karma Karma is in everything. What goes around comes around. If we interrupt others, then others will interrupt us back. They'll think, "You interrupted me before, so it's only fair that I can also interrupt you back." If we interrupt them to tell them something that we think is important, then they might also interrupt us back because they think they have something important to say. Wouldn't that be frustrating to everyone?   4: Self-Cultivation From the perspective of self-cultivation, one of the first and foundational virtues to cultivate is patience. This is especially true in modern urban life, where everything is about speed and getting what we want right now . As a result, impatience is becoming ever more widespread. If we feel like our chest is tightening because we want to say something now , then this is precisely a moment for us to cultivate patience. Chances are, nothing tragic is going to happen if we don't interrupt, so we can wait.   5: Information Completeness Sometimes, we are listening to others, and we suddenly have an idea that we want to share. But perhaps the other person isn't finished explaining the situation yet. Our idea is based on the information they've shared thus far, but there's still more to come. If we wait for them to finish talking first, our idea might change.   If we want to give a good suggestion, then we should first make sure we have all the necessary information, and also make them feel fully understood. In that case, we would patiently listen to them speak everything on their mind, summarize their main points to check our understanding, and then ask if we can give our thoughts for their consideration.   If we instead impulsively interrupt and share our suggestion based on an incomplete understanding of their situation, then they would not only be annoyed at us, but also lose trust in us.   6: Memory From the perspective of memory, if it's truly important, would we really forget? If we forget, chances are, it doesn't have big, painful consequences. In other words, we shouldn't overestimate the importance of our ideas.   There have been times where someone said to me, "I've been meaning to tell you this for a long time, but every time I always forget." I don't remember any of these things being super critical. However, it's certainly preferable that we remember these things, so I'll share a method to help.   For example, let's say I'm listening to my principal talk about yesterday's assembly, and I suddenly had a thought, "I need to suggest to the principal that next time, the school shouldn't let Bob and Jack sit together because they talk too much and disturb others."  I don't interrupt because I am polite, but I also don't want to forget this thought. What can I do?   One method is to make an exaggerated image in my head. I would imagine Bob and Jack with very big heads talking to each other, with spit coming out of their mouth. As soon as I have this image, I can be confident that I probably won't forget. Then I focus on listening to the principal and wait until he's finished to bring up my idea.   (On a related note, when giving suggestions, I shouldn't be too definite or certain that my suggestion is good. Every situation is infinitely complex and always changing, so we should use words like "maybe", "might", "perhaps",  and "for your consideration" .)   Conclusion Interrupting others seems like a small and insignificant thing, but from our class discussion, I realized how deep and broad its implications can be. A big thanks to the students for the questions and discussion! If you have other perspectives that we missed, feel free to comment below.   Bad habits are hard to change, and I still interrupt people too, but when we understand the significance of our bad habit, we'll have more motivation to change. As long as we have motivation, we'll persist. As long as we persist, we'll definitely improve. Weekly Wisdom #361

Did you know that people speak on average anywhere from 6000 to 16000 words a day ? But more importantly, are we doing good with our words? Or are we wasting our words? Or worse, are we creating conflict and suffering with our words? Ancient philosophers all emphasized the importance of cultivating our speech. For example, Socrates taught the Triple Filter Test : before saying something, make sure it is true, good, and useful. Cato the Younger was a great orator whose public speeches were capable of moving the masses. He said, "I begin to speak only when I'm certain what I'll say isn't better left unsaid." The Importance of Our Speech You might be thinking, "That sounds like a lot of unnecessary hassle…Do I really need to be so careful with my speech?" I would ask, "Do you want a happy life and happy relationships?" Happiness expert Gretchen Rubin said, "Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree that a key—maybe the key—to a happy life is strong relationships.” The longest scientific study done on happiness is the Harvard Study of Adult Development. Robert Waldinger is the fourth director of this study, and he reported, “The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period…The people who were most satisfied with their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80.” According to the Gottman Institute , happy marriages have at least a 5:1 positive to negative interaction ratio, meaning that for every negative interaction in the relationship, there are at least 5 positive ones. Excellent marriages have a 20:1 ratio. If the relationship approaches a 1:1 ratio, then that marriage is headed for disaster. We can infer similar situations for other relationships too, such as relationships with family, at work, and with friends. Think about it: How much of our relationship conflict is related to our speech? A criticism here, a sarcastic remark there, another complaint here. Before you know it, conflict is born. Conflict at home leads to a lot of unhappiness. Conflict at work hinders our professional success. Therefore, cultivating our speech is absolutely essential for happy relationships and a happy life. Broadly speaking, we want to avoid "bad" speech and only speak what is helpful, useful, and timely. But what are some specific examples that we commonly encounter in our daily lives? Venerable Jing Kong gave five concrete examples: Speak less words of complaint and more words of tolerance . Complaining brings resentment. Tolerance is wisdom. Speak less words of sarcasm and more words of respect . Sarcasm leads to contempt. Respect brings understanding. Speak less words of hurt and more words of care . Hurtful words create opposition. Caring words bring friendship. Speak less words of command and more words of discussion . Speaking words of command is tyranny. Speaking words of discussion is true leadership. Speak less words of criticism and more words of encouragement . Criticism creates distance. Encouragement brings out potential. These five have some overlap, but they also have their unique aspects. Let's look at each in more detail. 1: Speak less words of complaint and more words of tolerance What's uncool to do, a burden to hear, and common everywhere? No one likes a complainer, so let's not be one ourselves. Complaining creates negative emotions within ourselves and causes others to resent us. That's quite a bad deal, right? Besides, guess who suffers most from always complaining? Hint: it's not them. A wise person knows that complaining doesn't help anybody, and it hurts us the most. Rather than complaining, wise people focus on solving the problem. Wise people also prioritize harmony over matters. For example, rather than saying "Why are you always so busy? Can't you prioritize me for once?" "Why are my employees so lazy? They just do the bare minimum." Instead we can say "Hi honey, I know you've been extremely busy recently, and I just wanted you to know that I really appreciate how hard you work for the family. It's not easy being in your shoes, and I admire your diligence. I do have a request though. Do you think you could free up an evening with me next week to go out and have some fun? That would really make my week. But I know you are very busy, so if you can't, it's okay too." "Thank you to all the employees for your dedication and support every day. It has come to my attention that some employees are lacking motivation at work. As your leader, I want to give you a positive and supportive working environment. Please communicate with me more about how we can achieve this." From these examples, we can see that effective speech shows tolerance, understanding, and respect towards others. It also proposes a solution and makes an offer for further communication. 2: Speak less words of sarcasm and more words of respect Oftentimes, people use sarcasm because they think it is funny, or to avoid directly communicating about a problem. After saying sarcastic words, the other person will feel offended and say, "How can you say that?" The speaker then says, "I'm just kidding! Don't take things so seriously!" In other words, sarcastic people deceive themselves and others. They think they are "just kidding", but deep down, there is truth to what they are saying, otherwise they wouldn't even think of saying it. They tell the other person they are kidding, but the other person is doubtful. If we can't openly and respectfully communicate about a problem, the relationship is headed for disaster, and both parties will have a lot of suffering ahead. Just to be clear, some sarcasm can be humorous. For example, if a person says, " I'm a MasterChef. My specialty is burning toast. " That's fine. That doesn’t offend anyone and is kind of funny. Here, we are referring to sarcastic speech that offends others. For example, we should not say things like "My partner doesn't have any good points. Just kidding!" "I just love it when my partner ignores me, which only happens every day. Just kidding!" "I think my partner loves his/her phone more than me. Just kidding!" "I think my partner has Alzheimer's. He always forgets about me. Just kidding!" If we continually make sarcastic remarks about someone, that person will eventually feel contempt and hate us. One simple solution is simply to not say sarcastic speech. If we want to communicate about a problem, we should use a respectful and caring intention. For example, we can say, "You know I care about you, and that means I want you to be your best self. I really hope you can be more conscientious about XYZ. I know it's not easy, and I probably don't understand everything about your situation and how you feel, but I'm willing to chat openly about it. I also know that I'm not perfect either, so I'm willing to improve myself for you too." Problems are unavoidable in relationships. Good relationships aren't those that don't have any problems, they are those that can openly communicate about problems and solve them in a harmonious way. That requires us to avoid hurtful speech like sarcasm and to speak with a loving and respectful heart. 3: Speak less words of hurt and more words of care Complaints and sarcasm both hurt others. In this context, I think "hurtful speech" is more harmful than complaints and sarcasm, and it often arises out of anger or hate. For example: "You're hopeless!" "Why can't you be as smart as your brother?" "That's a stupid idea. Why would you even think of something like that?" Hurtful speech causes emotional wounds. Physical wounds heal in time. Emotional wounds might cause suffering and resentment for a lifetime. On the other hand, caring words spoken in someone's time of need can make them feel like their world still has hope and give them motivation to keep going. Given how big the impact is, we really need to develop endurance against anger and cultivate caring speech. People who speak hurtful speech and get angry easily are highly insensitive to others' feelings. The solution then, is to be more caring and sensitive towards others. Instead of blaming them, try to understand why they are like that. After all, no one tries to be stupid. No one tries to be bad. We all do things because we think it's the right thing to do. Perhaps we were wrong, but that doesn't mean we like being wrong or stupid. Or perhaps it is a bad habit, but that doesn't mean we want to be a slave to bad habits. How would you want others to treat you when you make a mistake or act according to bad habits? Most people would want others to show understanding and care rather than harshly blaming or criticizing. We can say things like, "It's okay, we're all human. We've all made that mistake before. I believe you will be better in the future." "If I were in your shoes, I'd probably be the same as you, if not worse. It's not easy for you, but I believe in you." "This is a serious problem, and I'm concerned for your wellbeing. How can I help?" When we speak words of care and understanding, we will strengthen our relationship even, and especially, in the face of challenges. 4: Speak less words of command and more words of discussion This one focuses on people in positions of power, such as parents and bosses. It also applies to people of equal power, such as spouses, coworkers, and friends. It's easy to become arrogant when we have power. After all, those below us usually have no choice but to follow our commands. But if we become tyrants who always command others and never listen to other people's opinions, then other people will accumulate resentment and eventually rebel against us. Words of command leave no room for discussion. For example: "I need you to complete this task by tomorrow evening." "This weekend we are going to clean the house at noon, and you need to be here. No excuses!" "I bought this new shirt for you. Don't wear that old shirt anymore. It's ugly. From now on, wear this new one." Words of discussion would sound like this: "Are you busy recently? I have a really important task that needs to be done as soon as possible. Would you be able to do it by tomorrow evening? You can put other tasks on hold to work on this one first." "I think our house really needs some cleaning. What do you think? Would you be free this Sunday at noon to clean with me?" "I know you really like that shirt, but I just don't like it very much. Would it be possible for you to wear a different shirt? I'll even pay for you to buy a new one, and you can pick!" Effective leaders are caring and humble. They would understand their followers' needs and difficulties, and they would consult their followers for their input. In this way, their followers will be loyal and supportive. To elaborate further within the context of family relationships, I heard an interesting phrase called "loving you without your permission." It refers to when people use the disguise of love to try to control others. For example, "I bought this for you. It's very healthy. Eat it." But what if the other person doesn't like it? What if the other person doesn't want it? Did you ask them if they want it? If they already said they don't want it, we shouldn't force them to do something they don't want to do. Now you might object and say, "But they clearly need it. I really am doing it for their own good. If they don't change, they will have negative consequences." That's a fair point. But if our goal is truly to help them, then we would help them change in a way that they can accept. For example, if someone smokes ten cigarettes a day, it's very very hard for them to stop completely the next day. If we force them to make such a big change so fast, then we lack empathy and kindness. True kindness is patient and encouraging. We would help them think of ways to change, and we would support them patiently. 5: Speak less words of criticism and more words of encouragement To me, criticism sounds very similar to complaints and hurtful speech. To differentiate them, I think complaints are lighter than criticisms. Criticisms and hurtful speech both hurt others, but in this context, I think hurtful speech carries the intention to make others feel bad, while criticisms might not. When we criticize others, we often do so because we are annoyed at their behavior, but we might not actually be trying to hurt them. Even though we don't have that intention, the result of criticism is still hurting others, so we need to be careful to avoid it. One of the most common workplace complaints is "You can do a hundred things right and no one notices. You do one thing wrong and they're all over you." I'm pretty sure leaders aren't trying to make their workers feel demotivated, but that's exactly what happens when there's a lack of encouragement and too much criticism. We especially need to say more words of appreciation and encouragement to those working in thankless jobs, such as janitors, receptionists, nurses, and customer service workers. William Cowper said, “I believe no man was ever scolded out of his sins.” Again, when we criticize others about their bad behavior, we probably want them to change. But we might not realize that criticizing them isn't helpful. In fact, it only makes them feel worse and creates opposition. As a result, they refuse to listen to us, which is counterproductive towards our hopes. That's really unfortunate. Everyone is trying their best to live their life, to do what they think is right, and everyone needs affirmation and moral support. Let's try to make the word kinder and better by noticing other people's efforts and encouraging them more. Rather than criticizing others for their problems, we should show understanding, provide a solution, and affirm them that they can be better. In this way, we can truly help them bring out their potential. For example, rather than saying "How could you forget to bring the keys? You are always so careless." "Your report has many errors. This is unacceptable." We can say "You've been really busy and tired recently, so maybe that's why you forgot the keys. I'm sure you'll be more careful next time. Maybe you can keep a set of spare keys in the car to prevent this problem in the future." "This report was a big task, and I know you worked very hard on it in the short time given. Thank you for your hard work. You are still accumulating experience, and I'm sure you will do better in the future. Next time, please communicate with me more during the writing process so that we can catch errors earlier and prevent a last-minute scramble." When we speak words of encouragement and understanding, and when we provide a solution rather than just criticizing, we show that we are on their side, that we want the best for them, and that we believe in them. In this way, they will trust us and have motivation to improve. My Experience The one that resonates with me the most is "speak less words of complaint". I have a bad habit of complaining, and I've been working on it a lot over the past couple of years. In fact, I did a 21-Day No Complaint Challenge , and have continued to be vigilant since. I'm much better now, but I still have room for improvement. I don't really speak sarcasm. When others speak sarcastically to me, I usually take it seriously and don't realize it's sarcasm until they tell me. As a teacher, I try to speak more words of discussion and less words of command with my students. For example, students need to submit assignments by a certain date. But I tell them that if they have extenuating circumstances, they can communicate with me and we might be able to make an exception. I also like to give students options to choose from, such as whether they want to do a test or a presentation, or whether they want a study class or an extra lesson. This way, they feel heard and respected. Like anybody, I've been on the receiving end of criticisms and hurtful speech. I told myself, "I need to not be like this towards others." Hence, when I give criticism, I'm careful to first say something positive first, then provide a solution and request them to change in a respectful way. This is much easier when done in writing. If I have to respond on-the-spot orally, sometimes I still end up criticizing without respect and without providing a solution. That's something I need to keep working on. Conclusion Everyone wants to have happy relationships and a happy life. Unfortunately, most of us weren't taught the importance of speech and how to speak effectively in a way that promotes harmony. Thus, we need to take it upon ourselves to learn and practice now. This article looked at five concrete examples: Speak less words of complaint and more words of tolerance. Speak less words of sarcasm and more words of respect. Speak less words of hurt and more words of care. Speak less words of command and more words of discussion. Speak less words of criticism and more words of encouragement. Which one resonates with you the most? How can you work on it? Weekly Wisdom #266

What's one of the most common reasons we get angry or upset at other people? One reason is because we think we are right and they are wrong, yet they don't listen to us.   Venerable Jing Kong once said, "Other people's wrong is right. My right is wrong."   This is a Zen koan, meaning that it seems paradoxical at surface level, and it's meant to help us break free from conventional thinking and to gain insight. So, what do you think is the deeper meaning behind this koan? After you have your thoughts, keep reading. Image Source: ChatGPT    Venerable Jing Kong explained that other people's bad behavior is "right" because they were taught that bad behavior by the people around them and by their upbringing. For example, if someone is very rude, chances are, their parents and peers role modeled rude behavior for them, so they naturally learned it. Their behavior is "right" in that it is natural and expected for them to behave that way given their history and circumstances.   Our "right" is "wrong" for a couple reasons. First, we are illogical for thinking they shouldn't be that way. They are the way they are supposed to be because they are, and they can't be any other way right now because they aren't. If we viewed their behavior as understandable and reasonable, then we wouldn't get upset at them. Instead, we would accept them for the way they are right now.   Second, we are wrong for being overly demanding towards them. When we say things like, " You shouldn't _____ " or " You should ______ ", it's often with a demanding or blaming attitude, and that just creates opposition and conflict. Our goal is to improve the situation, but our negative energy just makes it worse.   Recently, my mother's friend told her that for many years, she was very demanding towards her husband and children to learn Buddhism. She mentioned the Zen koan from Venerable Jing Kong and said that although she understands it intellectually, she just can't bring herself to apologize to them.   When I heard about this from my mother, we had a discussion about the matter. I wonder if that friend deeply understood the Zen koan. If she understands the koan and wants to apologize, but she struggles to let go of the ego, then that's understandable. It's hard to change our habits, so we need to take small steps at a time, and we'll get better over time.   But if she thinks she understands the koan and yet doesn't feel the need to apologize, then that's a different problem, and I would question whether or not she truly understands the koan. A surface level understanding would be "Their wrong is right because they are the result of their upbringing and circumstances. My right is wrong because I shouldn't force others to listen to me and I shouldn't get impatient or upset."   But if it's just an intellectual understanding without resonance or agreement from our heart, then we would struggle to practice it. It's like we're forcing ourselves to do something that we don't truly believe in. Deep down, we might think, "OK I get that it's not good to be demanding or impatient. But if I'm not a bit forceful towards them, they wouldn't learn at all, which would be even worse! I'm still partially right in the matter." If we don't feel like we truly wronged them, then of course we wouldn't want to apologize.   There is a Chinese idiom that goes "pulling on sprouts to assist their growth", and it illustrates the harm of being impatient and demanding. Image Source In this analogy, her family member's desire to learn Buddhism is like sprouts. These sprouts just started to grow, and they're quite weak. The sprout needs nurturing, encouragement, joy, and time to grow. But if she is too demanding and impatient, she might pull on the sprouts, causing them to be uprooted and die.   In other words, those sprouts could  have grown into full plants, but her impatience killed them. Rather than blaming the sprouts for being "slow", we should really blame ourselves for being impatient. If we truly feel that we harmed the sprouts and prevented them from growing into a healthy plant, wouldn't we naturally feel sorry?   Also, if we want others to learn Buddhism, we should set a good example by following Buddhism's teachings. A core teaching of Buddhism is karma. Karma states that everything has a cause, and every cause has a result. Why don't family members listen to us? Perhaps the cause is because of our attitude of impatience, high demands, and opposition towards them. After all, the energy of impatience attracts impatience from others; the energy of high demands attracts resistance from others; the energy of opposition attracts opposition from others.   Or perhaps the content we shared with them doesn't feel relevant to them. Or perhaps we're demanding too much of their time. Whatever the reason is, there is definitely a reason. Given that there's definitely a reason, that means we can find the reason and adjust to get the result we want; there's no need to get impatient or upset.   Also, according to karma, what goes around comes around. If others don't listen to us right now, chances are we didn't listen to them in the past. Regardless of what others have done, we have also wronged them in the past, so shouldn't we feel apologetic for that? When we feel like we have wronged others, we naturally wouldn't feel demanding or impatient towards them anymore.   Understanding karma is also empowering and gives us hope for the future. If we want others to be more understanding, cooperative, and patient towards us in the future, then we need to start planting those karmic seeds by treating them that way now. Instead of pressuring them to listen to us, we can start showing genuine, unconditional care for them. When they expect a naggy lecture from us, and we instead give words of affirmation and care, they'll feel surprised and change their impression of us, one little bit at a time. As these good karmic seeds accumulate, they will eventually change the way they view us and thereby treat us.   Conclusion When was the last time you got upset at someone? How might you use this idea of "their wrong is right, and my right is wrong" to change your perspective and behavior? Weekly Wisdom #360

Recently, I started a new semester at a new school, and I've been very busy at work. My mother was worried that I'm too busy and not spending enough time studying Buddhism, and she would say things like "Aren't you getting a bit carried away in your work? Are you spending enough time learning Buddhism? Are you losing sight of what's most important?"   The first couple of times, I simply said "Thanks for your concern" . By the third time, I got annoyed and told her, "I'm trying to be a responsible person and do my best to fulfill my job responsibilities. Isn't that what Buddhism teaches us to do? Everyone' situation is different. You have lots of time to listen to Buddhist lectures all day, so you can do that, but I have a full-time job, and I'm extra busy during the start of the school year. Wouldn't I love to have more free time to study Buddhism or rest? It's not like I'm purposely trying to not listen to Buddhist lectures, I just don't have time right now, and what I need is more understanding rather than pressure."   My mom then apologized. Later, after I calmed down in meditation, I realized that I wasn't serene when I said that, and I should be more careful to inspect that my mind is calm and peaceful before speaking. I also remembered a teaching from my mentor: instead of complaining, make respectful requests. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3   I then told my mother, "I know you have good intentions for me when you said that I'm too busy and that I'm not spending enough time learning Buddhism. Thank you for your good intentions. I have a request. In the future, could you try framing your worry into a positive request instead? For example, you could say, 'Oh you've been so busy recently. Could you please make sure you have at least one rest day over the weekend? Could you listen to a Buddhist lecture with me over the weekend?' Or 'I know you are busy, but would you have 10 minutes of free time a day to listen to Buddhist lectures with me?" This would make me feel much better than hearing a criticism or complaint."   My mother happily accepted my request.   Just to be clear, the point of this article is to urge ourselves to make requests instead of complaining. It is not to demand others to make requests instead of complaining. Complaining is a common bad habit that nearly everyone has, so we need to be tolerant and patient towards others. But if we want to steer relationships towards a better direction, then we need to role model making respectful requests instead of complaining back and forth.   Some people might say, "But I have asked them to change, and they don't listen." In that case, I would ask: did you make a respectful  request, or were you demanding and impatient? No one likes to be pressured, so people naturally try to resist being pressured.   In order for communication to flow smoothly, we need to hold the intention of respect and consideration. We make a request respectfully, and if they say no, we can try to understand their concerns and see if we can resolve them.   For example, if my mother said, "Could you listen to a Buddhist lecture with me for an hour every day?"  and I said, "No, that's too much."  Then my mother shouldn't say, "One hour isn't that much. My friend's kid does it."  That's opposition. She could instead say, "OK, what would be doable for you then?"  That's being understanding and respectful.   Or if I said, "Those lectures are boring,"  She shouldn't say, "They're good for you! You need to listen to them to grow your wisdom!"  That would just create more opposition and conflict. Instead she could say, "I'm sorry if I picked boring lectures for you in the past. I certainly don’t want to bore you. Could you give me a chance to try to find some lectures that you might find more relatable?"  When I feel her respect and consideration, I'd naturally feel grateful and want to cooperate.   Conclusion When was the last time you complained to others about their behavior? How could you change that complaint into a respectful request? Weekly Wisdom #359

Last week, we looked at a story of how Yanzi made his ruler look good . Yanzi has such high cultivation, and history has recorded many of his stories, so I can't help but want to study him more. This week, we'll look at how Yanzi was able to graciously refuse his ruler. Saying no is an important ability because we can't say yes to everything, but saying no in a way that doesn't create awkwardness or conflict is a tough thing, and we can learn from Yanzi.   Once, Yanzi was having his meal when an envoy sent by his ruler, Duke Jing of the State of Qi arrived. Yanzi immediately rose to greet him and invited him to join the meal. Yanzi divided his own food in half to share with the envoy. As a result, neither the envoy nor Yanzi ate to satisfaction.   When the envoy returned, he reported this matter to Duke Jing. Image Source: ChaptGPT The Duke was astonished and sighed: “I never imagined that my own chancellor lives in such poverty. This is my failure as a ruler!”   At once, Duke Jing sent to Yanzi one thousand taels of gold, along with tax revenues collected from the marketplace, so that Yanzi could use them to receive and entertain guests.   (Pause! If you were Yanzi, what would you do? Would you accept the Duke's gifts?)   However, Yanzi firmly refused. The Duke persisted and sent gifts three times, but Yanzi rejected them each time.   When the Duke asked why, Yanzi explained: “I am not poor. With Your Grace’s salary, I already receive blessings enough to support my family, entertain friends, and even help the poor. What you provide me is already more than sufficient.   Moreover, I have heard this: If a minister accepts the ruler’s wealth and then gives it to the people, that is stealing the ruler’s kindness to win the people’s favor. A faithful minister would never do this. If a minister accepts the ruler’s wealth but does not share it with the people, that is hoarding the ruler’s kindness for private gain. A man of righteousness would never do this. If a minister relies on pleasing the ruler to rise in rank, only to be demoted for offending the scholars, and dies leaving his wealth to be seized by others—that is merely guarding treasure for someone else. A wise man would never do this.   At home, I already have enough cloth and grain for daily use. Why would I need to accept so much extra compensation?”   Duke Jing then asked: “But in the past, our former lord Duke Huan granted his minister Guan Zhong five hundred households of land, and Guan Zhong accepted it without refusal. Why then do you decline my gifts again and again?”   (Note: Guan Zhong is a famous and respected minister in history who helped Duke Huan conquer other states and rise to great power)   (Pause! If you were Yanzi, how would you respond?)   Yanzi bowed respectfully and replied: “I have heard: even the wise, when they ponder a thousand times, may sometimes be mistaken; and even the foolish, when they ponder a thousand times, may sometimes be correct. I think that though Guan Zhong was a wise man, there were times when his judgment was not perfect. And though I am dull, perhaps there are times when I can be correct. Perhaps when Guan Zhong accepted such gifts, it was one of his rare errors; and when I refuse them, it may be one of my rare moments of right. That is why I repeatedly decline, and dare not accept.”   Image Source: ChatGPT Hearing this, Duke Jing nodded in understanding. ( Story Source )   Commentary When I first heard this story, the first question that came to my mind was, "If Yanzi has enough wealth, then why didn't he give the envoy more food so that the envoy wouldn't think he's poor and report it to the Duke?"   I'm not Yanzi, so I can't know for sure, but knowing Yanzi to be the sage that he is, I'm sure he has good reasons. My guess is that he wanted to show a frugal example to the envoy. After all, Yanzi holds a very high leadership position in the country, so his role modeling has a wide influence.   If Yanzi lives extravagantly, the people below him would have an excuse to do the same, which means the government would be wasting tax dollars, and the citizens would become unhappy. If Yanzi lives conservatively, then when other people of lower rank hear of the news, they would feel ashamed if they live extravagantly. It's also possible that he wanted to indirectly hint at the Duke to live more conservatively.   Another factor is that the envoy came without prior notice. If Yanzi knew that the envoy was coming, he probably would've prepared enough food for both of them. Since the envoy arrived while he was in the middle of eating his meal, all he could do was invite the envoy to share his meal. If he didn't invite the envoy to stay for the meal, it would be rude. But if he invited the envoy to stay and wait while he prepared more food, that might take too much time, and perhaps the envoy didn't want to trouble Yanzi or stay so long.   Also, the envoy might not have had the intention to say that Yanzi is too poor, he might've just made an off-hand remark to the Duke, but the Duke interpreted his words as "Yanzi is too poor" . Thus, we can see the difficulty of communication and why miscommunication is common.   The First Pause In the first pause, when the Duke sent all those gifts and extra compensation to Yanzi, if I were in Yanzi's shoes, I would feel very grateful to have a ruler that cares so much for me, and of course, I need to do my duty to support him in governing the country and making the people happy. Therefore, I need to set a frugal example, hence why I would refuse the gifts.   But Yanzi's considerations were even more thorough. He explained three situations that may occur if he accepts the money, which would lead to him being either unfaithful, unrighteous, or unwise. I don't know if Yanzi had this intention, but it was a very opportunistic educational moment to help the Duke learn these three standards and use them to judge all his ministers. When the Duke heard Yanzi's response, he could see that Yanzi wasn't being selfish or trying to maintain a "pristine image", but that Yanzi was truly thinking for the benefit of the Duke and the whole country.   The Second Pause In the second pause, when Duke Jing still insisted on giving the gifts, and even brought up a past hero, Guan Zhong, as an example, I was at a loss for how to respond to the Duke. If I say "Guan Zhong has many good points, but perhaps extravagance was one of his not-so-good points,"  it seems like I'm arrogant for criticizing a hero like Guan Zhong, and that might create opposition with those that admire him. Also, the fact that Duke Jing would bring up Guan Zhong's example makes me think that he also believes it's fine for a ruler and high ministers to live a bit more extravagantly, which means I have a duty to help him correct that improper view. But the big question is, how?   Yanzi's response was very admirable. He affirmed that Guan Zhong was a wise man, and he lowered himself by saying that he's a dull person, and that this is a rare instance where the wise man might be wrong and the dull person might be right. In this way, no one would slander Yanzi for being arrogant and thinking he's better than Guan Zhong, and no one would oppose Yanzi or feel pressured to live more frugally because Yanzi said he's a dull person.   Moreover, Duke Huan isn't trying to force Yanzi to accept his gifts. He wants Yanzi to accept it willingly. But hearing Yanzi's words, his innate conscience knew that Yanzi is morally right, and so he'd naturally yield, and he'd probably try to be a bit more frugal in his life too.   I think Yanzi's tactic here is one that we can all use in our lives if someone insists on something and brings up a respected person as an example. If we know it's not appropriate for us, we can say, "There's no doubt that they are wise and admirable, and I am dull, but there's a saying that even the wise, when they ponder a thousand times, might still be mistaken sometimes, and even the dull, when they ponder a thousand times, might be correct sometimes."   Reflecting on myself, recently, I was invited to do volunteer teaching on Sundays. I replied, "I appreciate the offer, but I'm currently too busy."  Looking back, I could've replied more humbly by saying, "I really appreciate the offer and your trust in me, and I truly respect the organization and all the volunteer teachers. I think the work you do is very important and meaningful. Unfortunately, I lack the ability to handle all my current responsibilities well, so I'm really not eligible to think about taking on new responsibilities. But if in the future, I have all my responsibilities under control, and you still want me as a volunteer teacher, I'd be happy to join."   Conclusion We will all encounter situations where others urge us to do something, but we feel it's not appropriate for us. When this happens, can we decline their good intentions graciously? From Yanzi's example, we can see that selflessness (having other people's best intentions in mind) and humility are two keys to a gracious decline. Weekly Wisdom #358

Previously, we looked at how Yanzi humiliated his humiliator  and diffused his ruler's anger . This time, we'll look at how Yanzi made his ruler look good. This might sound like a strange topic, but it's actually very important for our relationships and career success.   Around 2500 years ago, during the Spring and Autumn period of China's history, Duke Jing was the ruler of the State of Qi, and Yanzi was one of his trusted ministers. One time, Duke Jing ordered his citizens to build a grand pavilion for himself. It was the cold winter season, yet he forced the people to work day and night without rest. The people shivered in the frost and grumbled in misery, but no one could do anything to change the Duke's mind.   Image Source: ChaptGPT At that time, Yanzi was away on a mission to the State of Lu. The people all knew Yanzi's remarkable talents and whispered among themselves, “If only Yanzi would return! He is the one man who can persuade the Duke to stop this abuse.”   Not long after, Yanzi came back. Villagers rushed to him, pouring out their complaints, begging him to speak for them.   (Pause! If you were Yanzi, how would you respond to the villagers? After you have your thoughts, continue reading.)   Yanzi listened quietly to the people's complaints, nodded in acknowledgement, then went to see the Duke. The Duke was looking forward to the return of his trusted minister, and organized a banquet to greet him.   (Pause! If you were Yanzi, how would you communicate the people's misery to the Duke? After you have your thoughts, continue reading.)   When Yanzi reported the success of his mission, the Duke was elated. They ate, drank wine, and chatted happily. After a few drinks, he said to the Duke, "If your highness is willing to give me a small reward, could I sing a song?"   The Duke agreed. Yanzi then started passionately singing a sad song: "The common folk bear grief untold, Cold rain beats down, a chill so cold. Alas, what can we do?   By orders above, my family must part, It breaks my home, it breaks my heart. Alas, what can we do?"   At the end of the song, Yanzi's voice was trembling, and he had tears streaming down his face.   The Duke leaned forward, startled. He understood at once. This is about the pavilion!  He gently consoled Yanzi: “Why do you grieve so? It must be because of the construction work. Do not worry—I will order them to be stopped. Let the people go home and reunite with their families!”   Image Source: ChaptGPT (Pause! If you were Yanzi, how would you respond to the Duke? After you have your thoughts, continue reading.)   Yanzi bowed deeply and thanked the Duke. The next morning, he woke up early, left the palace, and went straight to the construction site. There he saw workers resting, their tools laid aside. Suddenly, Yanzi seized a stick and struck them, shouting: “Even a minister like me has a roof over my head! Our magnificent ruler wishes to build a pavilion for himself, yet you people can't work hard? Get on it!"   Yanzi then left. The people were shocked. Anger rose among them. They cursed under their breath: “Yanzi is helping the ruler commit injustice—we were blind to trust him!”   Shortly after, a royal messenger arrived. He read the Duke’s decree aloud: “By order of the Duke—construction of the pavilion shall cease. Everyone may return home to your families.”   The people burst into cheer, their sorrow turned into joy, and everyone praised Duke Jing for his mercy and kindness. Image Source: ChaptGPT Of course, Yanzi's merit couldn't be kept secret forever, and eventually, people knew of the truth, and Yanzi went on to be praised throughout history even until this day.   When Confucius heard the tale, he sighed with admiration: “In ancient times, the best ministers gave all the glory to their ruler, while taking blame upon themselves. In court, they corrected mistakes; outside, they spread the ruler’s virtue. They never claimed achievements for themselves. Perhaps the only person who was able to accomplish this now is none other than Yanzi."   ( Story source )     Commentary When I  first heard this story a couple years ago, I was kind of confused. Remember the three pauses in the story?   In the first pause, I would've told the people, "Don't worry, I'll communicate with the Duke for you."   In the second pause, I would've told the Duke, "Your majesty, I discovered that the people are complaining a lot about building the pavilion in the cold of winter. Perhaps we should do something to preserve the people's trust?"   In the third pause, when the Duke agreed to cancel the construction, I would've told the people, "Great news! The Duke has agreed to cancel the construction work! You can all go home!"   What's wrong with my way of thinking? Isn't this how most people would think? Why did Yanzi do what he did?   Indeed, many people would think the way I did, but Yanzi is an expert on etiquette and self-cultivation, so his behavior is worthy of study.   Remember that Yanzi's role is a minister. He has a leader above him: the Duke. If he makes the people oppose the Duke, that is against morality because his leader takes good care of him, and as a minister, his natural duty should be to help his leader succeed. Some people might argue that morality is impractical and leads to being taken advantage of. But if we study history and look at things from a long time horizon, moral behavior brings true, long-term benefit, while immoral acts eventually bring disaster. For example, if the Duke senses that Yanzi is creating opposition between him and his people, he might feel threatened and order for Yanzi to be assassinated.   In history, there are many records of wicked people seizing the throne by force through immoral ways and succeeding in the short-term. However, when others see how they seized the throne, the people will be unhappy and may revolt shortly after, or more wicked people will try to seize the throne, so that person often dies a terrible death.   The First Pause Back to the story. In the first pause, the people are already upset at the Duke. If Yanzi says, "Outrageous! I will communicate with the Duke for you,"  then he would be deepening the opposition between the people and the Duke. If the Duke hears of this, he might start to doubt Yanzi's trustworthiness and support, and that could be the start of a downward spiral. But Yanzi's goal is to help his ruler succeed, so he didn't say anything that might imply that he agrees that the Duke is wrong.   Here, we should reflect on ourselves. When we hear someone talking about the faults or problems of others, especially our leaders, do we chime in and say, "Wow that's outrageous! I can't believe they would do that!"  If so, we are helping to create a divide between those two people. What goes around comes around, so if we want to protect ourselves, we should be planting seeds of harmony, not seeds of opposition. We could say, "Oh that sounds tough for you. But I also wonder what their side of the story is. They might have their own difficulties and reasons for doing what they did."  Or if we are at a loss for words, we could simply not comment, change the topic, or make an excuse to leave.   The Second Pause In the second pause, Yanzi was about to meet the Duke and advise him to stop the construction. There isn't one correct way to advise the Duke, but Yanzi's method was extremely tactful. He first reported the good news to make his ruler happy. Then they drank some wine, so his ruler would be relaxed and he could pretend to be a little bit drunk. Then he asked for permission to sing a song as a reward for his good work. The Duke was, of course, happy to grant his wish.   Then in the song, he sang about the suffering of the people due to the construction work. If the Duke got unhappy, Yanzi could make the excuse that he's a bit drunk and doesn't know what he's doing. But if the Duke had some intelligence, he would understand Yanzi's hidden message. This indirect way of communicating also protects the Duke's good image because Yanzi never directly criticized the Duke. Instead, he cries about a situation via a song, and the Duke can be the hero by saying, "I will cancel the construction work!"   If Yanzi had directly said, "Your highness, the people are quite upset at doing construction work in the cold of winter. I say we cancel it,"  the Duke might feel attacked, as if hearing, " Your highness, you caused the people to be unhappy. What's wrong with you. You need to listen to me to solve this problem." If the Duke feels threatened by a minister, then that minister is in danger.   Here, we should also reflect on ourselves. When we advise others, are we tactful? If so, others would be willing to accept our advice, or at the very least, not feel offended if they don't accept our advice. If our advice giving lacks tact, then others might get upset and distance away from us. Advising others is a big topic in itself, and I previously wrote a detailed post on it: Rules for Effective Criticism .   One very important principle is to be humble, especially when the person you are advising is of higher or equal position to you. For example, we don't say, "You should do X."  Instead, we can say, "I have some suggestions to report, but since my perspective and understanding of the situation is limited, these suggestions are just for your consideration and confirmation."   Notice how the first method creates an attitude of opposition, as if what they are doing is wrong, and what you are saying is right. If they get upset, then logic gets thrown out the door, and conflict arises between egos. The second method is very humble and puts yourself below them, so there's no conflict. Moreover, if the suggestion is a good suggestion, you can give the credit to them because they confirmed your idea and decided to implement it. That brings us to the third pause.   The Third Pause Why did Yanzi suddenly become a villain and scold the people to work harder? Because the people felt that Duke Jing is the villain, and Yanzi wanted them to view Duke Jing as the hero. That's why he started to "abuse" the people, so that he could become the new "villain", and Duke Jing could get the glory of "saving the people".   On the other hand, imagine if Yanzi had said, "Good news everyone! I communicated with the Duke on your behalf, and the Duke agreed to let you guys return home!"  What would happen? Everyone would praise Yanzi. Some people might even start spreading rumors that Yanzi is fit to be the ruler, while Duke Jing is not. If the Duke hears about this, he might feel threatened by Yanzi, and that would be dangerous.   This reminds me of a quote by the Daoist sage Lao Zi: "I have three treasures that I constantly hold firmly to: first is compassion, second is frugality, and third is not being at the head of the world."   Most people like glory. They think it's good to be at the head of the world. But those with glory are in the spotlight, and those in the spotlight will often attract jealousy and danger. A big tree is cut down for its timber, while a small tree is left alone and safe. Moreover, our success is highly dependent on our relationships. When we give glory to others, others will be happy and will want to work with us more. If we take glory and make them look bad, they won't want to work with us in the future. Thus, giving glory to others is the wise thing to do because it brings us long-term benefit.   We can reflect on ourselves: Do we often try to take glory and make ourselves look good? Do we try hard enough to give others glory and make others look good?   For example, a friend of mine recently told me that she started working at a new company, and her manager asked her for some suggestions. She then gave a suggestion for the company. Her manager thought it was a good idea and reported it to a higher-leveled manager. The higher-level manager didn't like the idea. Later, the company hired an external consulting firm, and they gave the same suggestion as my friend. The higher-level manager then seemed to treat my friend even more coldly.   This is an example of the importance of etiquette and relationship politics. Just because we have good ideas doesn't mean we will naturally win people's support. We have to know how to communicate and navigate relationships tactfully.   If my friend had used the method of "reporting some ideas for your consideration and confirmation", then the upper manager might not have felt threatened or challenged by a new employee, and that conflict could've been prevented. If people later praise my friend for her great judgment, she could say, "Actually it was just a guess from me. It's my manager who had the experience and vision to see the true merits of this idea and execute it."   Along the same line of reasoning, if we want to start a new initiative at work, we can first propose it to the leader and ask if it's a good idea. After all, the leader has a higher and broader view of the situation than us, so they might see perspectives and details that we can't. If the leader agrees and the idea is successful, then we can direct the glory to them. If it turns out to be a bad idea, then the leader can share the responsibility with us and allocate resources to help us mend the situation.   Concluding Thoughts Do you help others create harmony or opposition? How tactful are you in giving criticism and advice? Do you unconsciously seek glory, or do you consciously remember to give glory and take blame? Weekly Wisdom #357

There's a proverb that goes, "It takes two to argue."   Put in another way, one person can start an argument, but it takes two to keep that argument going. This is useful advice for whenever we get upset at someone and argue with them. Image Source   Recently, I've been teaching summer school to kids around 10 years old, and an incident reminded me of this proverb. One student named Albert came into class late and saw two plastic water bottles on his table. He said, "These aren't mine,"  and then put one water bottle on his neighbor Leon's desk. Leon replied, "This isn't mine either,"  and put it back on Albert's desk. Albert then put the water bottle back on Leon's desk, and they started fighting. I was talking to the class at the time, and when I saw them suddenly making a commotion out of nowhere, I stopped the class and asked them what's wrong.   Albert told me "There are two water bottles here on my desk, but none of them are mine, so I put one on Leon's desk."  Leon said, "They're not mine either, so I put it back on his desk, and then he kept trying to put one back on my desk."   I said, "OK everyone, this is a great chance to practice conflict resolution. We'll all encounter weird problems and unexpected misunderstandings in life, so we need to know how to handle them. Firstly, it's important to keep calm and understand the other person's perspective. So Albert, if these are not your water bottles, why did you want to put one on Leon's desk? Did you ask him if it's his?"   Albert said, "No. I just don't think I should have two water bottles on my desk when they're not even mine, so I put one on Leon's desk."   Leon said, "What kind of logic is that!"   I said, "OK Leon, you're very logical, then why would you keep putting the water bottle back on Albert's desk? Leon, Albert, do you think there's a better way to handle the situation?"   They remained silent.   I said, "If it's not your water bottles and none of you want them on your desk, why don't you just raise your hand and tell the teacher? The teacher can take the water bottles away. Or just put it in your desk for now, and during break time, you can throw them out."   They said, "Oh."   I said, "Remember, if you get into a conflict with someone, you're the same level of maturity and intelligence as them. If even one person is calm enough and wise enough, a conflict cannot happen. We shouldn't hope for others to be the mature one, so our best bet is to be that mature person ourselves. So when we encounter conflict, it's important to keep calm and focus on solving the problem as opposed to trying to defeat the other person."   Although we might chuckle at the kids for being so immature, the truth of the matter is, we adults are often not mature enough either. For example, if someone misunderstands us and criticizes us unfairly, do the flames of anger flair up in us? Do we think, "How dare they! That’s so unfair!"  Or do we think, "Hmm I wonder what I did to make them misunderstand me? Well, he can try to have conflict with me, but I'm not going to have conflict with him."   Another time in class, I was waiting to start class, but many kids were talking loudly. I then said, "If you keep talking, I will ask you to leave the class."  Then some students said, "Oh me! I want to leave the class!" I then felt a flair of anger and said, "Out. Now."   I later reflected, that was quite dumb of me. Why did I do that? It's because I got angry and impatient towards the kids, and that negative emotion blocked my wisdom. I was subconsciously thinking, "You rude and entitled brats! If you don't appreciate being in my class, then leave." But getting them to leave helps no one, and it's actually my job to keep them in my class and teach them, so I had to go out, talk to them, and get them to come back in.   If I were more calm and wise, I could've brought out some treats and said, "Wow I see this student is sitting very quietly waiting for class to begin. Such a good role model! Here's a treat for you."  If there are still students talking loudly, I could say, "Oh I hear this student is still being loud and not listening to the teacher. I guess I will deduct their hard-earned points then. What a shame." The point is, there are much more effective solutions than getting angry and making them leave the classroom, but I have to have the cultivation to remain calm in order to think of such solutions.   Concluding Thoughts When was the last time you had a conflict with someone? How could you have handled it differently to prevent or diffuse the conflict? Weekly Wisdom #356

Last week, we looked at the story of how Yanzi humiliated his humiliator. This week, we have another story about Yanzi's wisdom.   During the Spring and Autumn period of China's history (around 2500 years ago), Duke Jing of the State of Qi loved horses very much. He spared no effort to collect famous steeds from all around, and whenever he had leisure time, he would stroll through his stables, admiring his prized animals.   One day, an envoy from the State of Qin came bearing a magnificent gift—a rare horse. The moment Duke Jing saw it, he was utterly captivated. The horse was snow-white from head to hoof. The envoy explained, “Our King of Qin purchased this horse from the western Rong tribes and now presents it to Your Grace as a token of friendship between our two states.”   Image Source Overjoyed, Duke Jing rewarded the envoy richly and appointed a stableman to care for this precious horse.   Before long, tragedy struck. The stableman's father passed away, and the stableman rushed home for the funeral. In his haste, he forgot to arrange for someone else to feed the horse. Three days later, when he hurried back to the palace, he found the horse weak and starving. Panicked, he quickly brought fine rice to feed it. The famished horse devoured the food greedily—but in overeating, it ruptured its intestines and died.   The stableman was terrified and reported the matter immediately.   At that time, Duke Jing happened to be in a good mood. He had just resolved several difficult state affairs, and his Chancellor, Yanzi, had returned from a successful diplomatic mission  to the State of Chu with remarkable results. Feeling at ease, the Duke decided to visit his beloved stallion—only to receive the shocking news of its death. His joy turned instantly into fury. Enraged, he ordered the stableman to be imprisoned, declaring that three days later, at the horse’s funeral, the stableman would be executed by dismemberment, and his limbs would be an offering to the dead steed.   The news spread quickly, and the court was in turmoil. The ministers wanted to intervene but dared not. After all, this was the Duke’s most beloved horse, and it had died through the stableman’s neglect. Yet if they stayed silent, it would appear as though their ruler valued a horse above human life, tarnishing the reputation of the State of Qi.   (So if you were minister and advisor to the Duke, what would you do?)   In their anxiety, the ministers turned to Chancellor Yanzi, begging him to dissuade the Duke. Yanzi had just returned from the State of Chu, where he had already shown extraordinary wit and completed his mission with great success.   Now back in the State of Qi, he faced the crisis of the condemned stableman. But when the officials urged him to intervene, Yanzi merely told them, “Go and attend to the great affairs of the state. Do not trouble yourselves over this small matter.”  They left, puzzled and uneasy.   Three days later, the Duke held a grand funeral for the horse. The stableman, bound hand and foot, was brought forth. The executioner stood ready, awaiting only the Duke’s command to dismember him.   At the sight of the stableman, Duke Jing’s face darkened with anger once again. He gave the order to proceed.   At that moment, Yanzi calmly said, “Wait. There is no need to rush.”   Everyone froze. Even the Duke was startled, uncertain of Yanzi’s intent.   Yanzi turned respectfully to the Duke and said, “When one dismembers a man, there must be proper procedure. I wish to ask Your Grace—when the sage-kings Yao and Shun dismembered men, from which part of the body did they begin?”   The Duke was struck as if by lightning. Of course, Yao and Shun—the most benevolent rulers of the past—would never have done such a thing. Suddenly aware of his folly, he replied,  “Yao and Shun never dismembered men. Alright, spare him his life. Let him be imprisoned instead.”   Yanzi then said, “My lord, look at him—he does not even seem to understand his crimes. How about I explain them one by one so that he may accept his punishment with clarity?"   The Duke nodded. “Very well. Let him recognize his crimes.”   Yanzi turned to the trembling stableman and said: “Don't you know, you have committed three offenses. First, the Duke entrusted you with his horse, yet you allowed it to die—this is your first crime. Do you acknowledge this?"   The stableman, still trembling in fear, nodded earnestly.   Yanzi continued, "Second, the horse you let die was His Grace’s most treasured horse. This is your second crime. Do you admit guilt?"   The stableman nodded vigorously.   Yanzi then said, "Third, because of your negligence, the Duke has ordered for a man to be executed over a horse. As a result, our citizens would call our ruler cruel, and other Dukes would look down on our Duke and state for valuing a horse over human life. So you see, because of your negligence, you caused upheaval among our citizens and ruined our state's reputation. This is your third crime. Do you admit your guilt?"   Image Source: ChatGPT The stableman, shaking all over, could only nod in silence, but around him, many ministers were trying to cover their smiles.   Duke Jing sighed heavily and said, “Yanzi… release him. Let him go. Do not let this stain my benevolent reputation.”   Thus the stableman was pardoned and set free.   (Story translated from here )   Commentary I am utterly impressed with Yanzi's wisdom. If I were in that situation, I wouldn't have been able to think of such a wise solution. Why?   One major reason is that wisdom comes from a tranquil mind, and emotions disturb tranquility. If I were a minister in that situation, I would probably feel flustered and afraid. On the one hand, I feel like I have a moral duty to advise the Duke against killing the stableman, but on the other hand, I'm also afraid of angering the Duke and endangering my own life. As a result of these emotions of uncertainty and fear, my mind becomes agitated, and my wisdom gets blocked.   Yanzi, on the other hand, was able to maintain his cool, and in his state of calm, he was able to think of a clever solution. So my first major learning from this story is that we have to practice being calm in difficult situations. Moreover, if we want to have the ability to stay calm in difficult situations, we need to practice staying calm in normal situations. After all, if someone is easily flustered and agitated by the normal situations of daily life, how could they remain calm in crises?   Second, when we advise someone against something, it's usually not a good idea to oppose them and tell them they cannot do it. That would be analogous to building a dam to block a flood; if the dam isn't strong enough, it gets destroyed by the flood. Yanzi accorded with the Duke's anger and channeled the flood (of anger) in a different direction, and as it flowed, it got weaker and weaker, until the Duke eventually realized his own folly without being directly told.   This reminds me of a Chinese saying that goes, "Speak in accordance with human sentiment."   In other words, we don't just say whatever we want to say. We have to imagine how others would feel when they hear our words, and we try to speak in a way that accords with their feelings or in a way that can win their hearts. This also matches the Daoist idea of being like water instead of rock, and going with other's flow  and redirecting the flow tactfully rather than opposing their flow like rock.   So Yanzi didn't say to Duke Jing, "Are you crazy? How could you value a horse over a man!" Let's be real, most people were probably thinking that, and most people have the emotional intelligence to not say it so bluntly to the angry Duke. But only Yanzi had the emotional acuity to make the Duke realize his folly without angering him further.   When we see such a great role model like Yanzi, we should try to emulate his spirit and apply it to situations in our own lives. For example, recently, I'm teaching at a two-week summer camp, and some kids have bad behavior. I told a kid to not do something, and he opposed me and wouldn't listen. Later, I called the principal over, and the kid finally yielded but cried. I think this is an example of rock against rock; the stronger rock wins, but the weaker rock gets hurt and holds resentment.   Later, another teacher told me, "Don't tell students 'you can't do that.' Instead, say, "please do this instead.' This way, you don't have that energy of opposition."   Indeed, as soon as we oppose others, there's going to be conflict, and it's going to be an irrational battle of who's most stubborn or powerful rather than what's the most logical solution here.   I also decided to implement a rewards and punishment system to manage my students better. I first tell kids the good behavior that I'm looking for, and I reward them points for it, and they can trade in points for rewards. I also tell them bad behavior, explain why it's bad, and that I'll take away points if they repeatedly do bad behavior. I can also add to the list as I go along. The prizes are things that the kids like, so this method really accorded with them.   I then praised them a lot for good behavior and rewarded points generously at the beginning, so the kids gained more confidence in themselves and started having a better relationship with me. I realized that troublemaker kids have nothing against me personally, they just have trouble managing their emotions sometimes, and it might be because of trouble at home, and also because no one taught them how to manage emotions or communicate their needs in a respectful way. Ultimately, everyone wants to be a good person and to be liked by others, so we should praise their goodness and encourage them more. This accords with human sentiment and wins their hearts.   Conclusion How good are you at maintaining your calm? Do your words accord with human sentiment? Weekly Wisdom #355