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Around 2500 years ago in ancient China, Yanzi (晏子) was a minister in the State of Qi. One time he went as an envoy to the State of Chu. Both states were major states at the time, and the King of Chu wanted to humiliate Yanzi as a way to humiliate the State of Qi.   He knew that Yanzi was rather short, so he told the gatekeepers to tell Yanzi to enter through the small door instead of the main gates. When Yanzi arrived at the gates, the gatekeeper said, "Our king said you can use the small door."   Yanzi replied,  "This door is for dogs. If I'm visiting a dog state, it makes sense for me to enter through the dog door. But I'm visiting the State of Qi, right?"   Image Source The gatekeeper was speechless and had no choice but to open the main gates for him.   When he arrived at the king's chambers, the king said, "Does the State of Qi have no people, that they would send you as an envoy?"   Yanzi replied, “In Linzi, the capital of Qi, there are three hundred districts. If the people raise their sleeves, they can block out the sun. If they shake off their sweat, it falls like rain. If they stand shoulder to shoulder, their heels touch one another. How could there be no people?”   The king asked, "Then why did they send only you?"   Yanzi replied, “In Qi, the choice of envoys is always deliberate. The virtuous are sent to virtuous rulers; the unworthy are sent to unworthy rulers. Which one do you think I am?”   The king then laughed and said, "Alright, enough talk. Let's have some wine."   Shortly after, two soldiers brought in a man bound with ropes. The king asked, "What has this man done?"   The soldiers replied, "He is from the State of Qi, and his crime is theft."   The king looked at Yanzi and said, "Do all the people in Qi like to steal?"   Yanzi replied, "I have heard that when orange trees grow south of the Huai River, they bear sweet oranges. When they grow north of the Huai River, they become bitter oranges. Though the leaves look the same, the fruit tastes different. Why is this so? Because the water and soil are different. Likewise, the people of Qi, when living in Qi, do not steal, but when they come to Chu, they commit theft. Could it be that the water and soil of Chu cause people to become thieves?”   The King of Chu laughed and said, “A sage truly cannot be mocked. I originally wanted to humiliate you, but instead I have brought humiliation upon myself."   Image Source   Commentary   Mencius said, "A person humiliates himself before others can humiliate him. A family destroys itself before others can destroy it. A nation attacks itself before others can attack it."    Yanzi was indeed a very wise and witty person to be able to counter all of those traps set by the King of Chu, but if the King of Chu didn't humiliate himself first, Yanzi would've never been able to humiliate him back. What does this mean?   The King of Chu stooped low to set up these traps for Yanzi. Doing such rude and immoral things is a form self-humiliation, and his rude behavior has been recorded and read by countless people in history books.   Since Yanzi was very wise, he was able to turn all those traps against the King of Chu. If the King of Chu had respected Yanzi instead, Yanzi would have no way of humiliating the King of Chu (nor would he want to).   Some people might argue, "Well, Yanzi is a rare, gifted person. If he were a normal person, he would've been humiliated by the King of Chu, and the King of Chu would've had the last laugh."   But is that true? If Yanzi wasn't wise and actually got humiliated, the State of Qi probably would've gotten angry and plotted revenge. That would be a case of "A nation attacks itself before others can attack it."   So from this story, we see the importance of treating others the way we want to be treated. When we treat others a certain way, whether respectfully or disrespectfully, we plant the karmic seed for them to treat us back the same way in the future, and when the conditions ripen, we will receive the corresponding results.   For example, I noticed how Yanzi was very considerate and respectful in his counter-attacks. He didn't say, "Sure, I'll enter through the dog gate because I guess I'm visiting a state of dogs". Instead, he said, "I'm visiting the State of Chu (not a state of dogs), right?"   He also said, "Could it be that the water and soil of Chu cause people to become thieves?" rather than  "It must be because the environment in Chu made good people from Qi become thieves."   I have heard two versions of the story, one where Yanzi said "I am most unworthy, so I've been sent to the State of Chu,"  and the other version is "Which one do you think I am?"  I opted for the second version because I think it's more in alignment with Yanzi's spirit in the other two situation.   From this, we can see that Yanzi has no hostility against the State of Chu, he's only protecting his own state's image (which is his duty) while also trying to teach the State of Chu a lesson in a respectful and indirect manner. If he had offended the King of Chu, then that might cause a war. But by being respectful towards the King of Chu, especially despite being treated with disrespect, Yanzi planted the seeds for being treated with respect back. After three rounds, the King of Chu changed his mind and respected Yanzi and the State of Qi.   As Mencius said, "Those who love others will always be loved by others. Those who respect others will always be respected by others." Weekly Wisdom #354

It seems like people are always trying to add happiness to their lives. Or more specifically, trying to add things into their lives to gain happiness. Perhaps it's adding money, objects, experiences, people, or people's approval. But these things only bring temporary and conditional pleasure, not to mention the anxiety and fear of not being able to obtain these things, or the fear of losing them in the future. I think what we really want is a long-lasting and unconditional sense of happiness, freedom, and peace.   The thing is, we don't actually "gain" these; rather, we recover them. You see, we were originally happy, free, and at peace. It was only after we added something unnecessary that we became unhappy. What is that "something"?   The Buddha put it very clearly and simply: "The root of suffering is attachment."   It's only after we added attachments to our mind that we started feeling chained, heavy, and stressed. Therefore, the key to happiness, freedom, and peace is not to add more to our lives, but rather to let go of the attachments in our mind. This is something anyone can do. It does not require money, power, or talent. I sure wish I had known about this earlier in my life…That would've prevented so much unnecessary suffering!   What Is Attachment? Imagine clenching on to something tightly and not letting it loose from your grip. Do you feel happy, relaxed, and at ease? Attachment is when we clench tightly to something in our mind and refuse to let go. The result? We feel uptight, stressed, and anxious. We become stubborn, self-centered, and irrational.   Spiritual teacher Anthony de Mello gives an easy-to-understand explanation. He explains that people have two kinds of desires. Some desires, we would be happy to have, but if we don't obtain them, we won't fret. Then there are other desires where if we don't get them, we become unhappy. That's an attachment. For example, I once heard someone say, " I can't live without diet soda. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm basically a bottle of diet soda ." While we might laugh at this example, we probably all have our own version of diet soda in our lives.   By the way, aversion and attachment are two sides of the same coin. Attachment is " I want this. If I don't get it, I will be unhappy. " Aversion is " I don't want this. If you give that to me, I will be unhappy. " For example, I heard a famous author say, " I can't bear to read negative comments about me or my books, so I don't read the reviews. " That's an attachment to her good reputation and self-image in front of others, or an aversion to a bad reputation.   Another way to think of attachment is a strong demand towards people, objects, or matters. When we demand people or things to be a certain way, we will be upset if they don't fulfill our demands. Put in harsher terms, attachment makes people control freaks: they want to control or possess people are things, so when things aren't in their control, they're upset.   What is Detachment? Whereas attachment is tightly clenching onto things in our mind, detachment is loosening that grip. You can still hold it if necessary, or you can let it go if not. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 Whereas attachment is "I can't be happy without that" , detachment is "my happiness does not depend on that."  Whereas attachment is a strong demand towards people or things, detachment is peace with the way things are, which by the way, doesn't conflict with wanting things to change. We can still have desires, wishes, goals, and ambitions, but at the same time, we remain rational and adaptable; that would not be an attachment. Again, attachments make people stubborn, self-centered, and irrational.   For example, a person who is detached from diet soda can still enjoy diet soda, but she won't crave it like an addict or feel bad if she cannot get it. A person who is detached from maintaining a good image in front of others might still prefer to leave a good impression on others rather than a bad one, and he would still try to do so, but he wouldn't feel terrible if others criticize his faults.   An important point of clarification to make is that detachment refers to letting go of our attachment, which is inside our mind, not the external matter. Some people misunderstand and think that detachment from our loved ones means not caring about them, or detachment from our aspirations means not having aspirations. That would be a tragic misunderstanding.   We can love and hold onto others without clenching (attaching). Imagine a family member who is overbearing and very controlling. They make lots of demands towards you, and they justify themselves by saying "It's because I love you" . Do you feel loved? Don't you wish they would ease up and give you more understanding and space? Thus, we can see that clenching (attachment) impedes love.   Similarly, we can have aspirations without clenching (attaching). We work towards an inspiring goal or purpose, but at the same time, we shouldn't be too uptight about it. For example, if an athlete wants to performance his best and win gold, that's fine and good. But if he's overly attached to his reputation, he'll be extremely anxious, which will reduce his performance. On the other hand, if he's not attached, he can truly focus on doing his best, and he'll be more likely to achieve his goal. Hence, we can see that attachment impedes performance.   Practicing Detachment Now that we understand the ideas of attachment and detachment, the big question is, how can we practice detachment? Well, there isn't one standard answer, but I'll share five methods I've learned and practiced from ancient philosophies like Buddhism and Stoicism: See the truth Control the controllables and let go of the rest Embrace reality Practice selflessness Understand karma and accord with the conditions   1: See the truth Buddhism teaches that when we see the truth of things, we will naturally let go of our attachments. There are four important truths to see: The true culprit for our suffering is our attachment (or clenching or demands), not other people or external matters. Our attachment is based on a false and incorrect belief that without it, we would be unhappy. Everything is impermanent and always changing, so attaching to them (desiring to control or possess them) is futile. We have the power and choice to let go of our attachments.   Firstly, most people believe that their problems lie in other people or the outside world. If only that person would change…if only things would go my way…then I'd be happy. Or they think it's that person who makes me angry, or that matter that scares me, or that thing that upsets me. We can ask ourselves, "Is it really true that another person can force me to be upset? If someone else with greater tolerance and detachment were in my shoes, would they get upset?"   Thus, it's not the outside that's making us upset, it's our attachment and demands towards the outside world that's making us upset.   Secondly, our attachment tells us that if our demands are not met, we would be unhappy. For example, if they don't change, I won't be happy, or if I don't get the thing I want, I won't be happy. We can ask ourselves, "Is it really true that my happiness depends on outside factors? Wasn't I happy before I met that person? Wasn't I fine before I desired that thing? Aren't there people who are happy without those things?" Most things aren't actually that big of a deal, but when we have an attachment, we magnify its importance in our mind. When we loosen that grip, we'll be much more relaxed and at ease.   Thirdly, when we are attached to something, we wish to hold onto it, possess it, and control it. The thing is, everything is impermanent and always changing. There is no way to make something stay the same forever, and if we are attached, we'll be unhappy when things inevitably change. In the Diamond Sutra, the Buddha said, "All conditioned phenomena are like dreams, illusions, bubbles, and shadows; like dew, and like lightning; and should be viewed as such."   Think of something you really loved in your childhood. Do you still love it the same way now? What happened to that feeling? It's different now, it's gone, like a dream. Think of a time you were extremely upset at something. What happened to that feeling and matter? It's past, like lightning, like a popped bubble. Since everything is impermanent, if something is the way we want it right now, it won't stay that way forever, so don't get attached. If something isn't the way we want, it also won't stay that way forever, so don't make a big fuss about it.   To be clear, detachment doesn't mean we become apathetic or irresponsible towards life. Rather, detachment allows us to enjoy and live in the present moment without fear of change. As Buddhist Master Venerable Jing Kong  said, "Everything is lent to us to use, to enjoy, to appreciate. We don't need to attach. Not attaching means our mind does not want to control or possess anything. This way, we will become free and at ease."   Finally, we have to realize that we have the power and choice to let go of our attachments, but it often takes effort. Sometimes, it seems like we can't control ourselves from being attached. Why? Because attachments are like habits, and the stronger the habit, the harder it is to change. For example, someone who habitually slouches certainly has the power and choice to correct his posture, but during the process, he often unconsciously reverts back to slouching. It takes persistent practice to change a habit.   Similarly, even if we want to practice detachment, we often find ourselves attaching and clenching again before we even realize it. The stronger the habit, the harder it is to change, but it's still definitely possible. We just have to keep practicing to strengthen our detachment "muscle". That means practicing shifting our way of thinking, our attitude, and our thoughts.   For example, when we find ourselves blaming the outside world or people again, we have to remind ourselves that the problem is not them, it's our attachment. Or when we think "I would be so unhappy if…" , we have to remind ourselves, "Actually, I was happy before without it…lots of people are fine without it…"  Or when we find ourselves wanting things to stay the same, or unhappy at the way things are, we can remind ourselves that everything is impermanent and will definitely change.   The remaining methods below are more ways to practice shifting our way of thinking.   2: Control the controllables and let go of the rest Stoic philosopher Epictetus said, "When I see an anxious person, I ask myself, what do they want? For if a person wasn't wanting something outside of their own control, why would they be stricken by anxiety?"   The reason attachments cause suffering is that we have strong demands towards things that we cannot control, and when these things don't accord with our demands, we become unhappy. Although most things are out of our control, some things are actually within our control.   What's not in our control? Other people. The outside world, matters, and objects. Results.    What is in our control? Ourselves. Our actions. Our thoughts. Our effort. Our preparation. The interesting thing is, when we forcefully try to change the outside, we encounter resistance, and we often lack the necessary power. But when we change ourselves, we change the way the world and other people respond to us, which means we've indirectly changed the world and other people.   There are many core teachings in Stoicism, but if I had to pick just one, I would say this: "Know what's in your control, focus on the controllables, then do your best, and let go of the rest."   While attachments are endless, we can categorize them into three broad categories: people, matters, and objects.   First is people. If we have demands towards other people to be different, we first ask ourselves, what's in our control? We cannot control them, but we can control ourselves. Rather than demanding them to change, how can I adapt myself such that I don't need them to change anymore? How is my behavior contributing to the way they treat me?   Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius gave a few examples: "Try praying differently, and see what happens: Instead of asking for 'a way to sleep with her,' try asking for 'a way to stop desiring to sleep with her.' Instead of 'a way to get rid of him,' try asking for 'a way to not crave his demise.' Instead of 'a way to not lose my child,' try asking for 'a way to lose my fear of it.'"   Second is matters. If I get upset because I'm stuck in traffic (a matter), I need to realize that I cannot change the situation, so there's no point in being upset about it. Instead, I can find a way to make good use of the situation I'm in, such as listening to podcasts or audiobooks that I enjoy. I can also look for ways to adjust the time I go on the highway in the future. Or I can consider other modes of transportation, such as the metro or carpooling.   If I am anxious about an upcoming interview (a matter), I need to remember that the result is not within my control. There are so many uncontrollable factors at play, such as the applicant pool, the interviewer's mood, the questions asked, etc. Don't dwell on these things. Instead, focus on what is within my control: my preparation and finding backup options. After the interview, whatever the result, as long as I can say, "I did my best" , then that's enough.   Third is objects. If I am upset because an item I treasure got broken or lost, I can feel bad for a while, but I shouldn't dwell on it forever. Being sad isn't going to bring it back. I can find a replacement if possible and focus on what I still do have and be grateful for that. As Stoic philosopher Seneca said, "No person has the power to have everything they want, but it is in their power to not want what they don't have, and to cheerfully put to good use what they do have."   The thing with attachments is that we tend to focus on them, magnify them, and sink into them. So if we find ourselves constantly stressing or dwelling on something, we need to ask ourselves, "Is this in my control? What can I do that's in my control that can help the situation?"   3: Embrace reality The method of "focusing on the controllables" is a great way to calm ourselves down and reduce negative emotion. The method of "embracing reality" goes a step further and is even more positive. One of the mottos in Stoicism is Amor Fati, which means to not just bear what happens, but to love it, be thankful for it, and embrace it.   Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius said, "Just as the nature of rational things has given to each person their rational powers, so it also gives us this power—just as nature turns to its own purpose any obstacle or any opposition, sets its place in the destined order, and co-opts it, so every rational person can convert any obstacle into the raw material for their own purpose."   Amor Fati is sometimes represented by a blazing fire because fire turns everything into fuel for its growth. Image Source The key to Amor Fati is that we are constantly seeking to improve ourselves and to cultivate our virtues, both of which are in our control. With this attitude, any obstacle can be turned into raw material for our own purpose.   To return to the previously mentioned examples, we not only don't demand others to change, we are thankful to them for being a catalyst for our own improvement; It's thanks to them that we can improve our communication skills, patience, emotional intelligence, etc. We embrace the traffic because (aside from resistance being futile) we can make good use of the time to listen to interesting podcasts. We are thankful for the "bad luck" of losing something valuable because it's a test of our ability to detach and adapt.   4: Practice selflessness Attachments are endless, but the most central attachment is the attachment to I . If I don't get what I  want, I  will be unhappy. How dare you say that about me . I can't bear to lose my  valuable object. These are all forms of attachment to I . If we let go of our attachment to I , then who suffers?   So rather than severing attachments one by one (which will take forever), we can get at the root of the problem by reducing our attachment to I . Of course, this is much easier said than done, but people have achieved it (such as the Buddha), and for every percentage of letting go we do, we gain a percentage of freedom and peace.   Most of us are always thinking about what I  want and don't want, about my  feelings and my  things. To reduce the attachment to I , ancient philosophers teach us to focus on others.   The Buddha said, “View all living beings as myself.”   The Daoist sage Lao Zi said, “View others’ gains as my own gains. View others losses’ as my own losses.”   Marcus Aurelius said, “What injures the hive, injures the bee.” “Meditate often on the interconnectedness and mutual interdependence of all things in the universe.”   In other words, instead of always thinking about I , think about what others  want and don't want, about how other  people feel and their  things. Always think about helping the people around you rather than about yourself. This teaching is ingenious because if we tell ourselves "don't think about myself and what I want or don't want",  we end up thinking about exactly that. But if we focus on others and benefiting them, we naturally forget I  in the process. We can call this "selflessness" (the opposite of selfish) or "others-centeredness" (the opposite of self-centered).   This reminds me of a quote by Gandhi: “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”   The way I interpret his words is that we find a sense of contentment, peace, and spiritual happiness when we forget ourselves in the service of others. There are many ways we can practice selflessness and others-centeredness in life, and each person's situation is different. But I'll give some ideas for reference, which I wrote about in detail in the article My Year of Practicing Selflessness : Put others first : Help others first. Let others go first. Put others above my own convenience. Make things convenient for other people. Yield in debates. Empathy . Really try to understand others, especially when they can't fully articulate themselves or have unspoken messages. Believe that everyone has legitimate reasons for doing what they do; we just have to see their perspective. Advise others respectfully and patiently, without any opposition or judgment. Etiquette . Be a considerate and respectful person in all the small matters and interactions of daily life. Etiquette is a big topic, and I've written a long list of etiquette in this article . Think for the bigger picture , not just for one other person, but for all the people involved in a matter.   Of these methods, etiquette is probably the first place to start. Here are some common examples from daily life: Aim to arrive 10 minutes early. You'll never know if you'll get delayed, and arriving late seems like you don't respect other people's time. If others are late, tell them "It's no rush. Take you time." If you’re running late or need to cancel, inform others as early as possible. Don't speak loudly in quiet places. Don't disturb others when they're busy or in a bad mood. When people call you or message you, try to respond promptly. Don't make others wait too long. When standing or talking with others, don't block doors or paths. Hold the door open for the person behind you. In front of others, speak about others' good points, not bad points, and don't gossip. If you need to advise others on their weaknesses, do so in private. When speaking, make sure your pace and volume are suitable for the listener. When calling others, first ask if they're free to talk. Don't assume they are free just because they picked up the phone. Or even better, schedule the call beforehand. Keep your space tidy. It's respectful to yourself, your space, and the people who see your space. When eating, If there's an elder (e.g., parents, grandparents, managers, etc.) at the table, try to eat at the same pace as them. If you eat too fast, they may feel pressured to eat faster. If you eat too slow, they have to wait for you. When at someone else's place, respect and follow their rules.   When we practice etiquette diligently, we will gradually internalize the spirit of being considerate and respectful towards others with our every thought.    From practicing selflessness and others-centeredness, I find that I think about myself a lot less, and since I'm more considerate towards others, I often feel the joy of helping others and of having good relationships.   5: Understand karma and accord with the conditions Karma is a big topic, and I've previously written about it in this article , but I'll briefly explain some key aspects here. Karma is often explained as "what goes around comes around", as in how you treat others will be how others treat you, or what you put out into the universe will be what the universe gives back to you. While this isn't incorrect, I think it's incomplete. Another name for karma is the Law of Cause and Effect. In other words, every result (effect) has its corresponding cause and conditions, and every cause will have a corresponding result. Put in more layman terms, there is a reason for everything, and things are always the way they're supposed to be, so we shouldn't get upset and think "Things shouldn't be this way!"  Moreover, everything we think and do (karmic seeds) will have a result, so we should be careful about the karmic seeds we plant.   To give an analogy, imagine planting a seed. The seed is the cause. The seed needs conditions, such as soil, water, sunlight, and time to grow into a plant and eventually reap fruit. Similarly, everything is a result (analogous to the fruit), and every result has its cause (seed) and conditions (soil, water, sunlight, time, etc.). Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 Understanding karma helps us to lighten our attachments because we understand that things are the way they are for a reason, so we won't resist them so strongly. Moreover, we can seek to change things with logic and patience rather than merely being upset at things.   "Accord with the conditions" is a common expression in Buddhism, and it integrates the idea of "controlling the controllables" with the Law of Causality. When we look at a result, we can see its cause and conditions, which ones are in our control, and which ones are not. We then control the controllables and let go of the rest. If we don't "accord with the conditions", then it's because we are attached to something outside our control.   For example, let's say we are upset at someone for treating us with disrespect. This is the result. Rather than get upset, we can think about the potential causes and conditions that led to this result. Actually, there are two results to analyze: our feelings and their behavior.   First is our upset feelings. Buddhism teaches us that our feelings are the result, our mind is the cause, and outside events are conditions. We cannot control outside events, but we can control our mind (or attitude or way of thinking), and we can change our feelings as a result. Blaming the outside for our feelings goes against logic and is unproductive (but it is very common, and we should be understanding towards others for doing it). If we demand the outside to change in order for us to be happy, that would be "resisting the conditions". If we stop demanding the outside and instead adjust our own mind and attitude, then we can "accord with the conditions" and find inner freedom.   For example, we can change our attitude to be more empathetic and understanding rather than judgmental. No infant is born disrespectful and arrogant. That personality is a result of their upbringing and life experiences, which they didn't get to choose. Everyone thinks they are doing what's right; no one purposely tries to be bad. Moreover, if we had their genes, upbringing, and life experiences, we would be behaving exactly the same as them. Their behavior isn't "unreasonable." When we change our way of thinking (cause), suddenly our feelings (result) changes even though they (condition) didn't change.   We will feel much better when we can be understanding instead of angry towards them, but we probably still want to change the way they treat us. Again, we can use karma and accord with the conditions. Their mind or personality is the cause, and how we treat them is the condition. We cannot change them (the cause), but we can change ourselves (condition). If we demand them to change how they treat us, yet we refuse to change how we treat them, then that's unreasonable because we are not willing to provide the necessary conditions for the result we want. So, the question is, what did we do to make them treat us with disrespect?   Perhaps there was a misunderstanding in the past that led to resentment. In that case, if we clear up the misunderstanding and communicate good will, then the conflict can be resolved. Perhaps we don't show enough respect towards them, so they disrespect us in return. In that case, we need to show more respect to them. They might not change immediately because of past accumulated baggage, but if we keep planting seeds of respect, eventually those seeds will bear fruit, and they will treat us with respect in return.   To give another example, if we want others to listen to us, we can also use karma. What would be the cause and conditions? The cause would be them. If they have a humble attitude, they would be more likely to agree, but this is outside our control. The condition is us, specifically how much trust we've built with them. So if we want them to take our advice, we should first build trust.   But if we need to advise them on something now, then we need to accord with the conditions. If we have low trust with them, then we should advise them lightly and be very conservative and humble. We should also continue building trust so that we can advise more in the future. If we give very strong and demanding advice when trust is low, that would be "violating the conditions", and the cause might be our attachment to controlling others or for quick results. If we have high trust with them, then we can be more direct and forceful in our advising. If they have trust in us and we don't even advise them, then that would also be "violating the conditions", and the cause might be our attachment to not wanting inconvenience or trouble.   Conclusion We all have the power to be happy and free regardless of our external circumstances. The key lies not in changing the outside, but in letting go of the attachments inside our mind. Detachment doesn’t make us apathetic or irresponsible, it enables us to truly live in the present, enjoy life, and do a better job at our goals. There are many ways to practice detachment, and this article mentioned five: See the truth Control the controllables and let go of the rest Embrace reality Practice selflessness Understand karma and accord with the conditions   What are some big attachments that you have? How might you practice detachment? Weekly Wisdom #352

Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 This past week, I went out with my mother to the mall to run some errands. Before going out, I went through the shoe closet to look through all my shoes because I wanted to pick a pair to leave at my workplace. My mom hadn't come to the door yet, so I was trying on various shoes and deciding which one to pick.   When my mother came down, she said, "Oh did I keep you waiting? Sorry about that."   I said, "No it's fine. I'm just trying on shoes to pick one to leave at my workplace. I think I'll bring this one."   Later when we arrived at the mall, we realized we forgot something at home. My mom said, "If you didn't rush me, I wouldn't have forgotten to bring it."   I was quite speechless because I didn't feel like I rushed her at all. I said, "I rushed you?"   She said, "Yeah, when I came downstairs, you already had your shoes on."   I said, "Like I said earlier, I was just trying on shoes to pick one for work. But I'm sorry if you felt rushed. I'm equally careless to have forgotten the thing."   Later, after we returned home, I decided to talk to my mom about this problem because it's a shared problem that we both have to overcome. I said: "We both learn Buddhism, and the Law of Cause and Effect teaches us that our feelings are the result, outside events are conditions, and our own mind is the cause. So you can't actually blame me for your feelings of being rushed, especially when I already told you I was just trying on shoes, and I didn't have an impatient look or tone of voice.   I bring this up because it's a big problem. I remember when I was in Malaysia before, I was practicing driving (they drive on the opposite lane compared to North America, so I had to practice). On the road, people were driving quite fast, and I felt really pressured that the car behind me would think I'm driving too slowly. As a result, I got nervous, lost focus, and hit something. So feeling pressured by others is a big problem, and it literally led to me damaging a car.   This time it's forgetting something at home. Next time it's doing something we don't want to do and feeling resentful. Another time it could be crashing a car. But the root cause is our own mind. Others can't force us to feel anything. We have to let go of the fear of being criticized or judged by others. We need to know what's right and appropriate and affirm ourselves. We have to practice being calm in daily life. I'm not saying it's easy, but we have to recognize the root of the problem and work on it to prevent bigger trouble in the future.   Now when I drive, I make sure I abide by the speed limit. I still sometimes encounter drivers who will speed up behind me, switch lanes, rush ahead, then switch back to be in front of me. Or I'll just be driving at the speed limit, but the cars beside me are clearly driving faster. Regardless, I don't let myself feel pressured by them. I know I'm in the right, and if they think I'm dumb for following the speed limit, then so be it. Their opinions aren't worth my thought."   My mother agreed with me, and we will both continue to work on it. I share this story because I think feeling pressured by others is a common thing, and I hope others don't have to hit a car to learn this lesson like I did. Moreover, when it comes to cultivation, there is no small or big matter. Everything is a matter of the mind, which means everything is an important matter that deserves attention and reflection. Weekly Wisdom #353

I'm back at my grandma's place in China again for a short visit, and of course, my grandma is always telling me to eat more even though I'm already full. But this time, I had a different challenge. I got sick.   It's very hot here, and the room I'm sleeping in only has a fan, not AC, so I got heatstroke, which involves throwing up, diarrhea, and feelings of dizziness and weakness. My grandma said that she's lived here for decades, so she's used to this heat in the summer, but I lived most of my life in Toronto, where the summers are cooler and there's AC, so that’s why I got heatstroke.   Anyway, after I threw up, I really did not have an appetite to eat anything for breakfast except a packet of instant oatmeal. My grandma brought me a watermelon and said, "This will make you feel better!"   I told her, "Watermelon is very cooling, and my stomach is too weak to handle that right now."     She replied, "No, watermelon is good for heatstroke!"   I said, "It can help to prevent heatstroke by cooling you down, but I'm not hot right now; I feel nauseous, so I don't want to eat it."   She then brought me canned "eight treasure porridge" and said, "How about this?"   I said, "That canned porridge is too sweet and thick. I just want to eat some light oatmeal." My grandma got impatient with me and said, "How are you going to recover if you don't eat anything? This eight treasure porridge is very nutritious!"   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 I think in the past, I might've gotten annoyed and said, "I'm sick and I just threw up. Can I just have a break from eating until I feel better?"   But I understand that my grandma has good intentions, and that her personality tends to get angry and impatient easily. Also, my mentor told me before that when people get old, they tend to become like children. In other words, they seem to make unreasonable requests and make a big fuss about things unnecessarily. It's a common phenomenon, so I shouldn't get annoyed at my grandma.   I told my grandma, "I already ate some oatmeal, and I want to rest. I think rest is the best way for me to recover. I can eat more later when I feel better."   In this way, I show that I have the same goal as my grandma, which is to recover ASAP, and I didn't reject her suggestion, I'm just putting it off until later.   Later at lunch, my grandma made some porridge with red bean and black rice for me. I told her,  "My stomach still feels very weak, and I just want to eat some easy to digest instant oatmeal."   She got upset and said, "Oatmeal again? You're lacking nutrients, so you recover slowly. You need to eat more nutritious food!"   I then reflected on my intentions. Am I being overly stubborn? Well, I still felt an urge to puke, and if I puke after drinking her porridge, she might feel bad, so I don't want to take that risk. Hence, I told my grandma, "I'm feeling a bit better than before, but not good enough yet. I think eating light is helpful. I might be able to eat some of your porridge for dinner."   My grandma then said, "You want something light, right? OK I'll go make white rice for you."   I said, "It's OK, just some oatmeal is enough."   She still made the rice for me and told me to eat some, telling me that it's important to eat more if I want to recover faster. At that point, I really did not have an appetite, but I decided that it's time I yield a bit, so I ate a little bit of rice and then said, "This rice is very bland and nice, but I want to go rest now. Maybe I can eat more for dinner."   In the afternoon, she came into my room and gave me a bamboo mat. She said, "I realized your bed doesn't have this bamboo mat, so it's very hot for you when you sleep. I just went outside and bought this for you."   Image Source I was quite touched. My grandma is very old and frail, but she went out of her way to buy this big bamboo mat and carry it home for me. It reminded me that even if she gets a bit angry unnecessarily sometimes, she always has my intentions at heart.   For most of the day, I laid in bed and also ate some medicine that my dad got for me. By dinner time, I indeed felt much better. I then took initiative to go heat up some of that red bean porridge and drink it in front of my grandma. I got mostly soup and very little beans, but then my grandma said I need to eat more and added more beans into my bowl. I didn't argue. She also got some tofu soup for me, and I ate a bit of that. It was rather salty, but I still drank it.   She emphasized to me again that I need to eat a wider variety of foods (because I'm vegan) if I want to get enough nutrients and have a good immune system. I understood her good intentions, and that she probably worried about my health since I got sick, so I didn't bother to debate with her about why I choose to be vegan or that my diet is not related to me getting heatstroke. Instead, I simply thanked her for her care and advice. By the next day, I was pretty much back to normal.   My grandma also told me to not come here again in the summer because it's too hot, but I didn't take her words to heart. I remember my mentor said that when people have extreme emotions, they tend to say things that they don't really mean. For example, in a state of great joy, people might make big promises that they can't keep; in a state of extreme anger, people might say things that they later deeply regret. Taking others' emotional words to heart is not only bad judgment on our part, it's also creating trouble for ourselves. In my grandma's case, I think she felt bad that I got heatstroke during my visit, and in that negative emotional state, she said to not come back in the summer. But objectively speaking, we had a lot of good times during my visit, and the good exceeded the bad. Moreover, we found ways to overcome the heat problem, such as using the bamboo mat and improving the air circulation, so I didn't get heatstroke again afterwards. Overall, it was quite an unexpected challenge to get heatstroke at my grandma's place, but it wasn't necessarily a bad thing. I think it's common for people to have a bad temper when they're sick and uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean it's fair to the people around us. I've been short tempered towards others in the past while sick, so I'm glad that this time, I was able to maintain a peaceful temperament and make my grandma feel respected despite not following her every wish. Weekly Wisdom #351

Recently I was talking to a friend who was having some difficulty getting her mom to listen to her. When I listened to her story, I had a thought: "One of the major differences between cultivators and non-cultivators is that cultivators see beyond the level of the matter and into the level of psychology."   By "cultivators", I mean people who cultivate their character and virtues, such as wisdom, kindness, humility, etc. By "psychology", I mean the way people think, their thoughts, and their intentions.   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 In interpersonal conflicts, a lot of people get stuck at the level of the matter. For example, my friend's mother was overworked and biting off more than she could chew. She was working a lot, taking care of elderly parents, and moving houses. My friend wants to help her mother with the moving, but she's studying abroad, so she urged her mother to hire a moving company to make things easier, but her mother refused. This is the matter.   But we have to go beyond the matter and really understand why they are so stubborn about their view. In order to understand others, we have to stop opposing them and judging them, and instead believe that they must have a legitimate reason for believing that they believe. After all, no one purposely tries to be stupid or illogical, so we mustn't judge others to be that way.   At the same time, sometimes people aren't fully aware of why they are so insistent on something, so they cannot articulate themselves clearly. We also have to be understanding here rather than judgmental or demanding. People need time to work out their thoughts, and we can use our own observation abilities to make educated guesses.   So back to my friend and her mom. I asked my friend, "Why do you think your mother is so stubborn about doing everything herself and not hiring a moving company?"   She replied, "I think it's because it's like a taboo in my family to ask for help, so my mom wants to be superwoman and do everything herself, and she doesn't want to show weakness."   I said,  "It's great that you can understand your mother's psychology! Indeed, pretty much everyone has an ego, and the ego wants to look good and capable in front of others. Now that you are aware of her psychology and intention here, you're still going to urge her to hire a moving company, but how might you frame your request differently?"   She thought for a moment and replied, "Maybe I could say that my friend is starting a moving company, and it would be very helpful if she could support my friend's business and be one of their early customers? But it's kind of hard because I don't actually know a friend who's starting a moving business."   I said, "You're going in the right direction! We call this tact. When you truly have the best intentions for someone, and your mind is very peaceful and calm, you'll eventually think of a genius idea. Maybe it's when you're in the shower, or when you first wake up, or after meditation. Tact is key to helping others.   There isn't one correct answer here, but I'll offer one idea. Basically, instead of making it seem like you are helping them, make it seem like they are helping you. It's the nature of the ego to like to be the 'hero' or 'the good guy' and to dislike being 'the one who needs help.'   You could say to your mom, 'I feel really guilty that I can't be there to help you move in this hectic time. I know you can probably handle it, but can you please let me contribute a little bit by hiring a moving company for the family? It'll make me feel a lot better and help me concentrate on my studies."   My friend replied, "Oh I think my mother would be much more willing to take my advice if I framed it that way!"   My friend also talked about how she's worried about the health of many family members, including their diet, lack of exercise, and overconfidence in western medicine. Again, we need to look beyond the level of the matter and into the level of psychology.   Firstly, we have to correct our own intentions. We mustn't have an attitude of opposition, as if we need to "win this debate" or that "they are wrong and I am right". Instead, we should hold intentions of care, respect, and patience. We are advising them because we care about them, but at the same time, we respect their authority over their own lives, and we can patiently advise them over a long-period of time. After all, change requires time. Usually, people don't change after one conversation (unless you threaten them, in which case the change won't last long). It takes consistent care over a long period of time to inspire others to change.   Next, we can try to understand their psychology by putting ourselves in their shoes. Under what conditions would we reject or accept other people's advice? If we think they understand us and know what they're talking about, we'll probably listen to them. So building trust is key.   In order to build trust, we have to let others feel understood, and our own attitude is the root of the problem. If we oppose them, there's no way they'll feel understood. We'll say things like "You have problems with your diet and lifestyle,"  and then they'll get defensive and say, "Who are you to judge my life? Mind your own business."   To correct our own attitude, we have to remember that everyone is doing what they think is right, or if they know it's not right, they can't help it. For example, people eat what they think is healthy, and if they eat something that they know is unhealthy, it's because they think it's a reasonable amount, or because they can't control their cravings. Regardless, we should be understanding rather than judgmental. With this kind of attitude, we might say, " I know you try hard to take care of your health, and it's really difficult to always make the best choices given your busy schedule and food options."   As for the actual health and lifestyle advice, it's better if it comes from a credible expert and if we've tried this advice and got good results. We might say, "My doctor recommended me to watch this health documentary, and I was wondering if you'd like to watch it with me? No pressure though."  Or "I'm feeling great recently, and I think it's because I followed some health advice from XYZ book/expert. I wish I had known this earlier!"  There isn't one correct method or thing to say, and as long as we sincerely care for them and have a correct attitude, we'll definitely find a way.   Conclusion What is a matter that you've been caught up in? How can you see beyond the matter? Weekly Wisdom #350

There is a story that has been widely passed down among gold prospectors around the world. This story bears a captivating name: “Three Feet from Gold.”   Decades ago, a man named R.U. Darby from Maryland set off with his uncle to Colorado in the distant American West in search of gold. With pickaxes and shovels in hand, they dug tirelessly. After several weeks, to their great joy, they finally discovered sparkling gold ore. They carefully covered the mine and returned to their hometown of Williamsburg to raise a large sum of money to purchase mining equipment.   Soon, their gold mining operation was in full swing. When the first batch of ore was sent to the smelter, experts concluded that they might have discovered one of the richest gold veins in the entire Rola region of the American West. After just a few loads of ore, Darby was able to fully recover his investment.   But what Darby never expected was that, just as their hopes were soaring, something strange happened: the gold vein suddenly disappeared! Despite continuing to drill desperately in hopes of rediscovering the vein, all efforts proved futile. It was as if God had decided to play a cruel joke on them, turning their dream into dust. With no other choice, they painfully abandoned the mine that had nearly made them rich.   They sold all of their equipment to a local junk dealer and returned to Williamsburg with deep regret.   Just days after they left, the junk dealer had a sudden inspiration and decided to try his luck at the abandoned mine. To that end, he hired a mining engineer. After a simple survey, the engineer pointed out that the previous failure was due to the owners’ lack of understanding about fault lines in the gold vein. The assessment showed that the main vein of gold was only three feet away from where Darby had stopped drilling.   Image Source As a result of this twist, Darby lived out his life as a modest farmer, barely making ends meet. The junk dealer, on the other hand, became one of the wealthiest men in the West.   (Source: Harvard Family Education )   Commentary We probably all have our own version of the “gold mine” that we are seeking. Perhaps it’s a happy marriage, or a successful career, or spiritual attainment. Whatever it is, it probably isn’t easy and requires perseverance. But perseverance mustn't be blind.   Sometimes, we might feel like we haven’t had any progress despite showing up and doing the work every single day. When that happens, it’s important to analyze our situation and confirm if we’ve gone in the wrong direction or if our method has problems. Getting an expert opinion would be very helpful here. If Darby had gotten the right expert to advise him, he might not have given up prematurely.   If we are going in the right direction and our method doesn’t have problems, then we just have to persevere. To give an analogy, when we boil water from 0 to 100 degrees, we can’t see much change from 0 to 99 degrees. But once the water reaches 100 degrees, there’s a breakthrough and the water boils. Although there might not be noticeable change in our daily accumulation yet, the temperature of our “water” is rising. We mustn’t give up before our water reaches 100, or else all the previous effort would be wasted.   What is a worthwhile challenge you’re working towards? How do you know if you're going in the right direction? How do you maintain faith and persevere? Weekly Wisdom #348

Sergey Bubka, the world-renowned Olympic pole vault champion, earned the title Czar of Pole Vault . He set an astonishing 35 world records in pole vaulting, and the two records he held stood unbroken for years.   Image Source At the award ceremony for the National Medal of Honor, reporters eagerly asked him, “What’s the secret to your success?”   Bubka smiled and replied, “It’s very simple. Before every jump, I first let my mind ‘leap’ over the bar.”   As a pole vaulter, there was a period when, no matter how hard Bubka tried to reach new heights, he failed again and again. He felt frustrated, disheartened, and even began to doubt his own potential.   One day, at the training field, he shook his head and said to his coach, “I just can’t get over it.”   His coach asked, “What are you thinking when you jump?”   Bubka answered, “As soon as I step onto the runway and see how high the bar is, I get scared.”   Staring at him, the coach suddenly shouted, “Bubka! What you need to do right now is close your eyes and let your mind jump over the bar first.”   The coach’s words woke Bubka up like a bolt of lightning. He followed the advice and vaulted again. This time, he cleared the bar.   The coach smiled with satisfaction and said earnestly, “Remember: If your mind can get over the bar first, your body will follow.”   (Source: Harvard Family Education )   Commentary Anything worthwhile in life is a challenge, and nothing meaningful or gratifying comes easily. That’s because the challenge contributes to the sense of accomplishment afterwards.   If we want to overcome any challenge, the first requirement is that we believe we can do it. It isn’t the only requirement, but it is one of the most important. If we don’t even believe we can do it, we won’t give our best effort, which then reduces our likelihood of success. We also wouldn’t persevere in the face of difficulty, and we might give up just before we could make a breakthrough. That would be a shame and a waste.   Moreover, confidence allows us to remain calm, which then allows us to perform at our natural ability. On the contrary, doubt makes us nervous, causing us to perform worse than we should. That was the case for Bubka.   When we lack confidence in ourselves, we can use visualization: we can visualize ourselves being competent and accomplishing our desired goal. Why does this work?   Because the difference between confidence and doubt is just a thought, and our way of thinking is a habit. Habits are mostly unconscious, kind of like our posture, so if we want to change a habit, we need to consciously go through many, many repetitions. Visualization is precisely that.   For example, when I have conflict with someone and I notice that my emotions are disturbed, I try to leave the situation and communicate at a later time when my emotions are more stable. During the time in between, I sometimes visualize myself doing the behavior I hope to do, such as calmly and patiently listening to them first, and then explaining myself in a calm manner. If I can’t even visualize myself doing this, then chances are my emotions are still too disturbed, so I shouldn’t communicate with them yet.   To give another example, if I have an upcoming interview that I’m nervous about, I visualize myself about to start the interview, and I try to feel nervous in the visualization. This is mirroring the real interview situation as much as possible. Then I practice calming myself down through some deep breaths and affirmations. If I can do it in the visualization, I’ll be much more likely to be able to do it in the real interview.   Conclusion Faith in ourselves is the foundation for success, and visualization can be a powerful tool. The best part? They’re both freely accessible to each and every one of us. Weekly Wisdom #347

Imagine: You are in charge of a department in your company. There is a new employee in another department, but you heard that she used to do work in your field of work, and your department is also lacking staff. You think she might be able to help out with some work in your department, but you don't know if she's interested or has the extra time. You decide to talk to her and gauge her interest first; if she's interested, then you'll go a step further and ask her manager if she can help out with your department. If not, then you won't talk to her manager; this way, you don't give her pressure (if you directly go to her manager, and her manager asks her to do it, but she doesn't want to do it, then she'll feel pressured).   To your surprise, that new employee reported to her manager that you asked her if she's interested in your department's work, and then her manager complained to your boss (who is also her manager's boss) that you didn't go through her manager and instead went directly to the employee. Your boss then criticizes you and says, "You should talk to her manager first, not go directly to her. You should know better than this." Image Source: ChaptGPT How would you respond to your boss?     This is exactly the situation my mentor faced recently. If I were in that situation, I would definitely explain my reason for doing what I did because I want my boss to know that I am a rational person who always has a reason for doing what I do. But my mentor told me that this aversion to wrongful criticism is a big problem. He simply took the blame.   I asked, "Is it because if you explain yourself, your boss would feel like you have a big ego and therefore would lose trust in you and not advise you in the future? By accepting the criticism, we show that we are humble and grateful for their advice?"   He said, "Yes."   I asked further, "So even if we feel wrongfully criticized, we just have to swallow it. Although it doesn't feel good in the moment, it's ultimately the best decision in the long run."   He replied, "You have to judge the situation. If your leader asks you why you did what you did, and he truly seems open to hearing an explanation, then you can explain. But if your leader seems to already judge you to be guilty, then there's no point in arguing or explaining yourself. The timing isn’t right. If you still want to communicate later, then wait for a suitable time.”   Of course, this doesn't just apply to criticism from leaders but anyone, and a suitable time means when both of you are calm and not busy. This reminded me of a quote by Confucius: "To not be upset when others don't understand, is this not the mark of an exemplary person?"   Easy to say. Hard to do. I'm very thankful to my mentor for his role modeling, and I hope I can emulate him. Weekly Wisdom #346

A tiger prided itself on being the king of the forest. One day, while out hunting, the tiger encountered a buzzing gadfly flying back and forth.   “Don’t bother me under my nose,” the annoyed tiger growled. “Or I’ll eat you!”   “Hehe, just try—if you can catch me,” the gadfly mocked as it landed on the tiger’s nose and started sucking its blood.   The tiger swiped at it, but the gadfly darted to its back, digging into its fur to bite again. Image Source: ChatGPT Furious, the tiger thrashed its iron-like tail, trying to shake the pest off. But the gadfly kept moving, biting again and again. The tiger rolled on the ground in frustration, trying to crush the tiny intruder. The gadfly flew off, only to return moments later to the tiger’s face.   In this exhausting fight with something so small, the tiger, king of beasts, eventually died from sheer fatigue.   (Story Source: Harvard Family Education )   Commentary We are all the ruler of our lives with important things to do, just like the tiger. And we will all encounter annoying distractions like that gadfly. The important thing is how we respond.   It’s not the gadfly that killed the tiger. It’s the tiger’s own anger and lack of self-control. We may laugh or shake our heads at the tiger, but if we don’t have good control over our temper and emotions, then we should really use the tiger’s story to increase our own vigilance. We have to stay focused on what truly matters and not get frustrated over insignificant things, even if they cause inconvenience.   I remember one day, a student had a small emotional breakdown. I asked her what’s wrong. She told me, “The internet in this classroom is too laggy! I can’t even do practice questions! The audio stops every few seconds and I have to wait forever. It’s been like this all day! Even my hotspot is laggy here. How am I supposed to study without good internet!”   I replied, “Indeed having laggy internet is very frustrating. But it isn’t always laggy. I don’t know why it’s so laggy today, but even if your internet is laggy, are there other ways you could prepare for your test? For example, you have lots of downloaded audio files you could listen to, right? You also have PDFs of past exam papers. You don’t HAVE to do an online practice test. Don’t get distracted by obstacles and lose sight of the goal.”   Afterwards, she calmed down a bit and said, “That’s true. I don’t know why I was so dumb and stubborn about using the online test software.”   I said, “When we get frustrated, upset, or have any strong emotions, we tend to lose logic. It’s important to be aware of our emotional state and adjust ourselves promptly when our emotions go out of balance. Don’t sink into negative emotions. That would be our own fault, not the fault of the external matter.”   Conclusion What kind of “gadflies” have you encountered? How did you deal with them? Weekly Wisdom #345

Recently, I had the honor to meet Mr. Wang Xihai (王希海), who is admired as a present-day paragon of filial piety in China. Basically, that means he treats his parents with the utmost love and respect, and his story has touched and inspired the whole country. I had the chance to listen to a couple of his lectures live, as well as privately ask him some questions. Image Source First, I'll briefly introduce Wang's story. When Wang's father was 56, he had a brain injury and became completely paralyzed. At the time, Wang was in his mid-twenties, and he had the opportunity to work abroad. Back then, working abroad was a very glorious thing for Chinese people. However, he decided to let go of the opportunity for money and glory and instead return home to take care of his father who had basically become a vegetable person (unable to move or speak). He made a vow for his father to live at least until age 80.   When asked why 80, he said it's because in his perspective, when people reach 80, they feel like they've gained something valuable (I interpret it as a sort of satisfaction towards oneself and one's life). When asked why he didn't go abroad, earn money, and hire a caretaker for his dad, he said that there's no way he'd have a clear conscience if he had done that.   Wang then spent the next 26 years taking care of his vegetable father, who indeed lived to past 80.   Moreover, his father had extremely healthy skin and even had muscle. All the doctors viewed it as a miracle. How did he feed his father? How did he prevent his father from choking on his own spit? How did he communicate with his father? How did he prevent his father from growing bedsores?   Wang says, "Love makes the impossible possible."   How did he feed his father? He took a bowl of porridge and used a spoon to stir and mash the porridge into a paste. Then he added water to the paste and fed it to his father. The thing is, the paste has to be just the right consistency and amount, or else his father would choke. Too thick, he'll choke. Too thin, he'll choke. Too much at once, he'll choke. Too little, he'll choke. How does he attain just the right consistency and feed just the right amount? Wang says, "You have to be completely focused and present, and you'll naturally sense when it's just right."   How did he prevent his father from choking on his own spit? He used a plastic tube that he got from the hospital, put it down his father's throat, and sucked up that accumulated spit there into his own mouth, then he spit it out. Image Source It sounds gross to most of us, but to Wang, he felt like it's just a part of a son's duty in taking care of his father.   How did he communicate with his father when his father couldn't speak? Wang said he would listen to his father's breathing. If his father felt discomfort, his breathing would change, and then he'd know to turn his father over and give him a massage. He'd also observe his father's face. Although his father is paralyzed, Wang could still see very minute changes in his father's face, which communicates his father's emotions.   How did he prevent his father from growing bedsores? Wang says that most ill people who have to lie on a bed all day will develop bedsores because of the pressure on the skin plus sweat for a prolonged time. If a person grows bedsores, it's over. He tried using different linens to put under his father, but in the end, he realized that there's only one way to prevent bedsores: to frequently turn his father's body over roughly once every half an hour. Not only that, but after turning his father's body over, he gives his father a quick massage to help the muscles relax and the blood flow. Image Source But if he has to turn his father's body over every half an hour, does that mean he never sleeps? Wang says that when he goes to sleep, he puts his arms under his father's hips. Within 30 minutes, his arms become very numb, and he'll wake up from the pain. Then he'll turn his father's body over again.   Aside from having his father's body lie on the bed, he'll also have him sit on a chair and get some sunlight, and he uses a cloth hanging from the ceiling to stabilize his dad's head. He can then go and cook food or wash clothes or do other chores.   When asked by an interviewer, "Over 20 years of this every day, non-stop taking care of your father, do you ever feel tired or unmotivated?"   Wang replied, "Tiring, sure. But whenever I look at my father and see that he's still alive and well, I feel like all my troubles fade away. Although my father can't speak, I know that he is also happy."   One time, he took his father for a health check, and the doctor asked him how long his father has been a vegetable. He replied 20 years. The doctor immediately left. A short while later, the doctor came back with tears in his eyes, saying, "I thought you were lying, but I looked up your dad's medical records these past 20 years. Your nursing abilities is better than any of us professionals. We ought to learn from you."   Wang said that there isn't a set method that he can teach. It all depends on one thing: using your loving heart to sense what they need and to sense a solution. For example, the doctors believe it's impossible to get a vegetable person to exercise and grow muscle, so they asked Wang to demonstrate. Wang then demonstrated, and the doctors were speechless. They asked how he invented his method. Again, Wang said that he single-mindedly focused on the goal of getting his dad to exercise, and he eventually discovered a way that works. It all depends on our loving heart.   The above is just a brief introduction to Wang's story to give a sense of how he's a legend. I've watched his interviews and lectures in the past, so needless to say, I was very honoured to have the chance to meet him in person and ask some questions. Before I talk about what I asked him, I want to give some context for why I asked what I asked. I’ve mentioned before that I think one of the hardest things to do in moral cultivation is to not get upset at unfair criticisms, especially from one's parents and spouse, who are the people that tend to criticize us the most.   Firstly, why do our parents and spouse tend to criticize us the most? I think it's because people spend the most time with their parents (before moving out) and spouse (after moving out). Parents feel like they have to teach their children good behavior, so it's very easy for them to become naggy and preachy if they're not intentionally cultivating their patience and empathy. As for spouses, they are so used to each other that they neglect the basic politeness and respect that they would give to strangers and less familiar people.   For example, when feeling upset or annoyed, most people wouldn't just dump negative energy on colleagues at work or friends of friends because we'd be afraid of leaving a bad impression on them, but we're so used to our family members that we don't care about leaving a good impression on them anymore; they already know what we are really like. Moreover, because we spend every day with our family members, we tend to see every single small problem as a big deal because we feel like we have to put up with it day in and day out, so we tend to complain and criticize our family members more.   However, from the perspective of the person being criticized, we feel like we have our own reasons for doing what we do, and we have our own preferences that we wish others would respect. Furthermore, we might think that because our parents and spouse are so close to us, they of all people should understand us (or at least try to understand us) rather than jumping to conclusions and assuming we have negative intentions. Misunderstandings from them is far more upsetting than misunderstandings from strangers.   In the past, I wrote an article titled How to Not Get Upset and Criticisms and Misunderstandings , and it mainly talked about empathy and humility. Image Source These are indeed essential, but recently, I got a different and very insightful perspective from Wang.    One time, I saw Wang walking alone, so I rushed over and asked if I could ask him some questions. He said sure. I first asked him if he ever had arguments with his parents. He said no. I was quite shocked. I said I struggle most when my parents misunderstand me and criticize me unfairly. I can't maintain a peaceful mood when I feel unfairly criticized. His response was quite different from what I expected.   He told me, "You need to live a good life and become your best self. If your parents see you living well, they would be very happy for you. But if they see you not living well, they would become worried and anxious, and then in their negative emotions, they would criticize you or misunderstand you. Even if your parents criticize you, you have to believe in yourself. You can definitely make your parents happy. Nowadays, a lot of parents are very demanding and controlling towards children. That’s not good. But as children, we need to understand our parents’ wishes for us and help fulfill their wishes. "   I realized that Mr. Wang has deep faith that parents always want the best for children, even when parents get angry at children, so he wouldn’t become angry or depressed when criticized by parents. In my opinion, the same could be said for sibling and spouses.   I later reflected on past arguments with my parents, and indeed, their negative emotions are often related to worry about my judgment and future. After I created mutual understanding and shared values with my parents, they came to trust my judgment a lot more and even ask for my input when they make decisions.   I also asked Wang, "You said that if your parents ask you for a cup of water, it's already too late. Isn't it a bit unfair to expect us to be able to read other people's minds?"   Wang told me, "You need to live for your parents. Their happiness is your happiness. When you single-mindedly think for them, you can achieve the state of 'no-me', and then you will be able to sense other people’s needs very naturally. But if you are always thinking about yourself, you won’t be able to sense other people’s needs.   For example, if you simply pay attention to your father's face and notice that his lips are a bit dry, then you would naturally get him a cup of water. When you give him a cup of water right when he wants water, it will be like holy water for their soul. He will feel extremely loved. But if your parents have to ask you for the water, then that water is dead water.”   After hearing his explanation, I felt like his words aren't so unreasonable after all. At its core, it's about using our attention to sense other people's situation and needs, and to do that, we have to care about others (or in Wang's words, we have to have a loving heart). It's kind of like wanting to give outstanding service to others, but the intention isn't to gain a tip or praise, but rather one of love and respect.   We all tend to habitually think about ourselves, which obstructs us from sensing other people's needs, but with conscious and persistent effort, we can change our habit of self-centeredness to kindness. I wrote about my experience in this article:  My Year of Practicing Selflessness .   I then asked Wang,  "After your lecture, I heard some people say that they feel like what you have done is a miracle, and that they couldn't do what you have done. What would you say to these people?"   He said, "Everyone is capable of making miracles. My education is a lot less than most people. If I can do it, you all can too. It all depends on your loving heart. Love is everywhere. Solutions are everywhere. But it's up to you to tap into that love and sense the solutions. All the solutions I've discovered when taking care of my dad arose because I was single-mindedly dedicated to helping him live to 80. If you can single-mindedly dedicate yourself to a cause, you can create miracles too."   I told him, "I used to have a lot of conflict with my parents, but after learning traditional Chinese culture and filial piety, I feel like our relationship has gotten a lot better."   He told me,  "You might think it’s good, but your parents might have unspoken wishes that you haven’t sensed. You have to use your heart to sense their unspoken wishes for you."   He then asked me, “How old are your parents?”   I said, “In their mid-fifties.”   He said, “When people reach 60, their body will become older a lot faster. Health is mostly to do with our mind and emotions. If you aren't living a good life, if they don't see a bright future for you, then they will worry about you. Their worry, anxiety, and negative emotions will make them sick in the future. But if you make them very happy and diligently take care of them, then they won't want to get sick. They will think, 'My child loves me so much and tries so hard to make me happy, I mustn't get sick. I need to stay healthy for my child.' When they see you doing well, they will be even happier for you than you yourself, and they will be healthy. Cherish your time with them, and don't leave any regrets."   (Side note: According to Chinese medicine, emotions indeed play a big role in health, and I've written about this in the article  TCM: Emotions and Health .)   By this point, we had chatted for a while, and he had to take a phone call. I thanked him for his valuable advice and time and went back to my room to record all that I could remember.   Conclusion When your parents or family members think of you, are they happy or worried? Rather than being upset at criticism, we could change our perspective and see their criticisms as an expression of their concern for us, and if we want to help them calm down, we should do a better job to ease their worries. Even better, to make them delighted, we could sense their unspoken needs and fulfill their aspirations for us. And no matter what we do, as long as we whole-heartedly and single-mindedly dedicate ourselves to something, we too can create miracles. Thank you again to Mr. Wang for the insightful wisdom! Weekly Wisdom #344

Recently, I finished teaching a two-month English course aimed at helping some students pass their IELTS test. Most of them are beginner level, but they need to pass the lower-intermediate or intermediate level. In other words, it's no small feat.   Throughout these two months, I realized that the hardest thing isn't teaching English or IELTS tactics. The hardest thing is helping the students maintain a good emotional state. Because they have strong pressure to achieve a high result in a short time frame, which is very difficult, they understandably get anxious and stressed a lot.   Every week, there are a couple students who get emotionally unstable. The IELTS test is one source of their stress, but there are other factors too, like conflict with classmates, or body discomfort, or bad sleep. Fortunately, there are always some students who have a good emotional state, and they'll help to comfort the students in a bad emotional state.   I teach them every day, and outside of class, I continue to tutor them. Sometimes, I feel like it's a contest between my calm and positive energy against their stress and negative energy. Sometimes my energy can overcome theirs, and other times, their energy overpowers mine.   Every day, I repeat the same things to them: "You can do it. You have to believe in yourself. Focus on the process. Don't be impatient for quick results. Don't get disheartened at failure or mistakes, it's part of the learning process. You have to accumulate mistakes to succeed. You have to practice staying calm. Be focused when you study and practice. Take care of your health. Notice your own improvement and encourage yourself. Be your own cheerleader. If you encounter difficulties, communicate with me promptly and we can solve it together."   Image Source: ChaptGPT At the end of the two months, many of them told me that their biggest gain from my class isn't English, but rather an improvement in their attitude. Two months isn't that long, but it also isn't that short either, and I noticed that most of them improved their sense of confidence and emotional stability as compared to the beginning.   From this experience, I realized that we really shouldn't expect people to change after we give them advice once or twice. If we're serious about helping others to change, we have to accompany them for a long period of time, and throughout this time period, we need to set a good example and use a good attitude to give frequent reminders and encouragement.   It's easy to give advice. It's much harder to role model that advice and repeatedly give the same advice every day without getting impatient. But only when we can do this would they have faith in us and be willing to listen to us; if we get impatient, they will think we don't really care about them, and they'd lose motivation to change. The reason we'd get frustrated is because we aren't empathetic enough. I'm sure my students all want to remain calm and have faith in themselves, but they can't control their emotions sometimes. They're not purposely ignoring my advice, it's just that changing habits takes time.   When I see things from this perspective, I gain more patience. My job is precisely to remind and encourage them when they revert to their old habits, and each time they will improve a bit. Although the improvement might not be noticeable day to day, with enough accumulation, they will eventually have noticeable change.   As Epictetus said, “Nothing important comes into being overnight; even grapes and figs need time to ripen. If you say that you want a fig now, I will tell you to be patient. First, you must allow the tree to flower, then put forth fruit; then you have to wait until the fruit is ripe."   Is there anyone you've been trying to change? Do you patiently focus on the process, or have you become impatient at the lack of results? Weekly Wisdom #343

Once upon a time, a group of ducks saw an eagle soaring in the sky. They all watched in envy and wished they could fly like the eagle. One duck said, "Why don't we go ask the eagle to teach us how to fly?" The other ducks agreed that it's worth a try.   They then waddled to the eagle's nest and respectfully asked the eagle if he could teach them how to fly. The eagle was very kind and respected their boldness, so he agreed to teach them. Image Source: ChatGPT The ducks then spent the whole day learning and practicing how to fly from the eagle. Finally, at the end of the day, the ducks were able to fly. They then thanked the eagle and waddled back home.   Commentary We've probably all learned many useful things in life, whether from reading books, listening to podcasts, or attending classes. Perhaps it's things related to our health, relationship advice, communication methods, career advancement, or other useful things that, if implemented consistently, could really improve our quality of life. The big question is, do we remember to use them? Or do we revert back to our old habits like the ducks?   Of course, it takes time and accumulation to change a habit and truly internalize the things we've learned. The important thing is that we have the intention to improve ourselves and to persist in that daily practice. Weekly Wisdom #342