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How do you show love and respect to your loved ones on a daily basis? This is an important question. Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists all agree that relationships are key to our happiness. If we want loving relationships, then we need to give lots of love. To give lots of love and respect, we need to know HOW to do so. I am a big fan of the book, Guide to a Happy Life , and you can read my summary of it here . Unsurprisingly, the book has a lot of teachings about relationships. In fact, the book gives us seven timely actions for a good relationship: Show consideration in a timely manner Give updates in a timely manner Give advice in a timely manner Respond in a timely manner Participate in a timely manner Ask for advice in a timely manner Check for understanding in a timely manner (You can click on each one to jump to that section) (Image Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 ) These actions need to be done in a timely manner, meaning we should not procrastinate on them. If we do them consistently, then we are guaranteed great relationships with others and a happy life! 1: Show consideration in a timely manner Showing considering is all about helping them feel calm, comfortable, and happy, as well as getting rid of their discomfort and worries. Image Source The Guide to a Happy Life says: In the winter, keep loved ones warm. In the summer, keep loved ones cool. In the morning, greet my loved ones. At night, check in with my loved ones. When my loved ones are ill, check the medicine first; stay by their side, day and night. Serve all parents as my parents. Serve all siblings as my siblings. Love all others equally, for we are sheltered by the same sky and live on the same earth. (Translation note: Although the book says "parents", it really applies to everyone, including our siblings, extended family, spouse, friends, colleagues, and leaders. Hence, I translated it as "loved ones" instead of "parents." The main principle here is to feel love, respect, and gratitude for others.) 1.1: In the winter, keep loved ones warm. In the summer, keep loved ones cool. In the morning, greet my loved ones. At night, check in with my loved ones. When winter comes, we feel cold. We don't like feeling cold, so we don't want our loved ones to feel cold. Then we take initiative to check that they have enough clothes, that the heating is working, that they are comfortable with the temperature inside the home. The same idea applies to summer. In the morning, we can greet our loved ones and ask them how their sleep was. This shows our care. If they had a bad sleep, then they might be having some health or emotional problems. According to traditional Chinese medicine, if people wake up and struggle to sleep between 1-3AM, then there may be problems with the liver or stress. If people wake up between 3-5AM, then there may be problems with the lungs or sadness. At night, we check in with the other person to see if they are calm and ready for bed, or if they have something bothering them on their mind. If they are troubled, then we can remind them to go take a relaxing shower or go listen to some calming music to get ready for sleep. 1.2: When my loved ones are ill, check the medicine first; stay by their side, day and night. When our loved ones are ill, we need to care for them in a timely manner. For example, we can accompany them to the doctor's office or hospital. If we need to help them prepare the medicine, then we should double check that the medicine is prepared properly. When they are resting, we should be nearby and easily accessible in case they suddenly need our help. 1.3: Serve all parents as my parents. Serve all siblings as my siblings. When we meet other elders, we can view them as our own parents and treat them with equal care and respect. When we meet other people around our age, we should care for them similar way to how we would care for our own brothers and sisters. This kind of attitude will create harmonious and happy relationships. 1.4: Love all others equally, for we are sheltered by the same sky and live on the same earth. Sometimes, we might like someone more than another person, or even choose not to help the people we dislike. When others need help and we do not help them, then we have failed to give timely care. We are all humans living on the same earth. We all have good points and bad points, and we are all trying our best to live a happy and productive life, thus we should support each other regardless of our differences. If others need our help, and we have the ability to help, then we should help them in a timely manner. Personal Experience 1: Show consideration in a timely manner I live with my mother right now, and I always ask her how her sleep was in the morning. There was a period of time where she kept waking up between 1-3AM. That is the time of the liver. I checked with my Chinese medicine teacher about it, and after some investigating, she told me it might be because we started eating an avocado every day. The liver is responsible for digesting fats, so the liver might be overworked, hence the sleep disruption at 1-3AM, which is the time of the liver. So I followed her advice to cut out avocado for a few days, while also massaging my mom's liver meridian. Sure enough, my mother stopped waking up at night. 2: Give updates in a timely manner Giving others updates in a timely manner (without them needing to ask us) shows them that we are always thinking of them, that we don't want to them worry about what's happening with us. Reducing their worries is one of the main ways we can show love to others (the other way being giving them joy). Image Source The Guide to a Happy Life says: When I go out, let my loved ones know. When I come back, report to my loved ones. Even if a matter is small, I shouldn't do whatever I want. If I do, then I am not being respectful. If a guest is looking for someone, I should go find that person for them. If that person is not here, then I will offer my service in their place. 2.1 When I go out, let my loved ones know. When I come back, report to my loved ones. This sounds simple and small, but it can be a big deal! If your loved ones suddenly cannot find you, they might get very worried. In a workplace setting, if you are going to leave the office for a while, you should get permission from your manager first. Otherwise, if they suddenly need you and you are not there, they will have a very bad impression of you and think you are very irresponsible and untrustworthy. When you come back, you should let your manager know; it shows your respect towards them. 2.2 Even if a matter is small, I shouldn't do whatever I want. If I do, then I am not being respectful. Even if our parents or manager or leader tells us to do something small, we should still report back to them to let them know that we completed it. Otherwise, they might be left wondering later, or worse, we might forget to do it. On the other hand, if we do update them despite it being a small thing, they will feel like we take things very seriously, that we are very trustworthy. 2.3 If a guest is looking for someone, I should go find that person for them. If that person is not here, then I will offer my service in their place. As mentioned earlier, when others need help, we should try to help them at that time. So if someone arrives at our home or office and is looking for someone, we should try to help them find that person. If we cannot find that person, then we should update the guest. In addition to updating the guest on the situation, we should ask if we can help. Perhaps the guest wants us to pass along a message. Then we should promptly pass along that message as soon as we see the person. Personal Experience 2: Give updates in a timely manner There was a period of time when I was really busy, and I had lots of online meetings with different people. Sometimes, these meetings would get moved last minute, and I would forget to update my mom. Then she would come look for me, and I'd be busy in a meeting. Forgetting to update her was not very loving on my part. I could have at least written a sticky note for her. 3: Give advice in a timely manner Love is about wanting the best for the other person in the long-term, wanting them to achieve their full potential. Therefore, if we see a loved one with a bad habit or about to make a bad decision, we need to advise them. If we do not advise them because we are afraid of making them unhappy, then we don't really want the best for them, and that is not true love. Image Source Think about it, who in your life is most willing to advise you even when it is not what you want to hear? Probably your parents and siblings. Even if you argue with each other, at the end of the day, you are family, and you will still love each other. Friends are probably not too willing to advise you if it makes you unhappy because the level of love is lower. So if we truly love someone, we need to advise them. But when we advise others, we need to do at the correct time. That means we need to first establish trust with them, then wait for them to be in a good mood and environment, then give the advice. The Guide to a Happy Life says When my loved ones have faults, urge them to improve. Use a warm facial express and a soft tone of voice. If they ignore my advice, I will try again when they are happy. Use tears if necessary, and don't resent them if they get angry. When we urge each other towards virtue, both of us will improve our moral character. If we do not advise each other to correct faults, then both of us will degrade our moral character. 3.1 When my loved ones have faults, urge them to improve. Use a warm facial express and a soft tone of voice. Remember that we need to advise others in a timely manner. Often times, we see others making a mistake and we rush to criticize them right away. That results in conflict and unhappiness because they really don't want to hear you nagging at them at that time, and we probably used a bad tone of voice. Just think about yourself. How would you like to receive criticism? Treat the way you want to be treated. If we want to have a positive response, then we should wait for them to be calm and open to hearing advice. Then advise them using a warm facial expression and soft tone of voice. 3.2 If they ignore my advice, I will try again when they are happy. Use tears if necessary, and don't resent them if they get angry. Most people don't hear a piece of advice once and then change immediately or completely. It takes time for people to change their way of thinking and their habits. Therefore, we should not get upset if they don't listen to us right away. We should be patient and keep trying when they are happy and calm. Sometimes, if their bad habit is very serious, then we may need to use tears to move them. Obviously, this isn't fake tears. It comes from honest worry. For example, if your father is addicted to smoking, and the doctor said he is going to get lung cancer soon, and he is still smoking, then when you think of a future without your father, you might cry. When your father sees this, he might wake up and gain motivation to stop his bad habit. If we try to advise others and they get angry at his, telling us to mind our own business, we do not need to get upset or resent them. We probably advised them at a bad time, when they were in a bad mood. People who need love often ask for it in unloving ways because they have so much pain inside them. We don't need to add to their pain by getting angry at them. Instead, we can give them some personal space, maintain our own positive energy, and try again when we are both feeling calm and peaceful. 3.3 When we urge each other towards virtue, both of us will improve our moral character. If we do not advise each other to correct faults, then both of us will degrade our moral character. As mentioned before, loved ones should support each other to realize their full potential. We should give each other lots of encouragement, and when we see each others' problems, we should urge each other to fix them. Personal Experience 3: Give advice in a timely manner Recently, I saw a friend started to sleep late at night and not taking care of her health. She even got sick. I imagine her parents would be worried about her, so I urged her to prioritize her health more. She told me she is very anxious about her upcoming test next month, so she is studying a lot. I told her, " You still have one month. The whole reason you want to pass this test is so that your parents don't need to worry about your future. If you hurt your health in the process, then your parents will worry about your sense of judgment in the future. " Although I advised her, she did not listen, and she even got a little upset. So I stopped advising her because the timing was not right. However, I have the intention and willingness to advise her. If the conditions become ripe in the future, and I get a chance to talk to her when she is calm and happy, then I would advise her again. 4: Reply in a timely manner This sounds super obvious, yet how many of us forget to reply our messages or emails in a timely manner? Or when others call us, how many of us will say, "Hang on! In a minute!" ? Image Source Replying others in a timely manner is about nurturing a heart of respect and humility towards others. After all, we wouldn't like a person who is self-centered and arrogant, so we should not be that kind of person towards others, especially not our loved ones. The Guide to a Happy Life says: When others call me, I should not respond slowly. When others ask me to do something, I should not act lazily. When others teach me, I should listen respectfully. When others criticize me, I should accept it willingly. If a guest is looking for someone, I should go find that person for them. If that person is not here, then I will offer my service in their place. (Translation note: Although the Chinese version says "parents", I translated it as "others" to make it applicable to a wider context.) 4.1 When others call me, I should not respond slowly. When others ask me to do something, I should not act lazily. If we love someone, that means we prioritize them more than ourselves. It is just like how a parent is willing to sacrifice so much for their children. When our loved one call us or message us, we should respond right away because they are a priority in our life. At work, if our manager or colleagues call us, we should respond right away because it is our duty. The same logic applies to if others ask us to do something. 4.2 When others teach me, I should listen respectfully. When others criticize me, I should accept it willingly. This line emphasizes humility. How can we be loving when we are arrogant? Arrogance is all about me, me, and me, and it creates fear. Love is about helping the other person feel happy, and love eliminates fear. Hence, when others criticize us, we should listen respectfully. One reason is because we want to reduce our arrogance, and the other reason is we don't want to make the other person feel afraid or upset by arguing back at them. Now, you might be thinking, "But what if their criticism is wrong or unreasonable?" . Then use what we mentioned in part 3: give them feedback with a warm facial expression and a soft tone of voice. If they do not respond well, then they are in a bad mood. In that case, there is no point wasting your breath. Wait until they are in a better mood to discuss with them. 4.3 If a guest is looking for someone, I should go find that person for them. If that person is not here, then I will offer my service in their place. When a guest knocks on our door or rings our doorbell, we should respond promptly so that they don’t need to wait so long. Otherwise, they might have a bad impression of our family (if visiting our home) or our office (if visiting our office). Personal Experience 4: Reply in a timely manner Nowadays, people are very busy and have so many messages on their phone. Although I usually respond to people promptly, sometimes I do forget, in which case I apologize. Oftentimes, people forget to reply me promptly. I have learned to not get upset. They did not learn to reply people promptly, so I cannot blame them for bad manners. Besides, I made the same mistake before too, so I shouldn't be so harsh on others. When I get a lot of messages or emails, I follow the "one-minute rule". If it takes less than 1 minute to reply, I do it there and then so that I don't forget. If it needs more time to reply, then I mark the email unread to reply later. If it is a message, and I cannot mark it as unread, then I write it down on my to-do list. 5: Participate in a timely manner When we see our loved ones doing something and we can help, then we should participate in helping them. We should not be lazy or seek to avoid responsibility. We should develop our sense of initiative and responsibility towards helping others. Image Source The Guide to a Happy Life says: What my loved ones like, I should try to provide. What my loved ones dislike, I should try to keep away. Elder siblings should be friendly to the younger ones. Younger siblings should be respectful to the elder ones. When siblings are harmonious, they are respecting parents. Whatever abilities I have, I should not be selfish. Whatever abilities others have, I should not look down upon. 5.1 What my loved ones like, I should try to provide. What my loved ones dislike, I should try to keep away. To clarify, we should proactively try to give our loved ones what they like AND is good for them. We should proactively try to keep away what they don't like AND is bad for them. For example, if they like junk food, but it is bad for them, then we should still try to keep it away. Participating in what our loved ones like is a great way to show our care for them. It tells them that we love them enough to do something we aren't that interested in because we care about their happiness. Obviously, don't force yourself to do it all the time. But once in a while, joining them in an activity that they like communicates your love to them. 5.2 Elder siblings should be friendly to the younger ones. Younger siblings should be respectful to the elder ones. When siblings are harmonious, they are respecting parents. When our siblings or classmates or colleagues need help or ask us for help, we should help out. Even if they do not ask us for help, if we see that they could use a hand, we should help out. When working with others, if we are elder, then we should be friendly to the junior people and take care of them. If we are junior, then we should be respectful and humble towards the elders. This kind of attitude naturally creates harmony. When we create harmony with them, our elders will be very happy with us, and they will view us to be mature, trustworthy, and responsible. 5.3 Whatever abilities I have, I should not be selfish. Whatever abilities others have, I should not look down upon. When working with others, we should be sincere and give our full effort to help. We should not be selfish and hold back any effort, or only help if there is something in it for me. When working with others, we also should not look down on other people's abilities. After all, everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. We wouldn’t want others to focus on our weaknesses and ignore our strengths, so towards others, we should praise their strengths and not broadcast their weaknesses. Personal Experience 5: Participate in a timely manner One time, I saw my neighbor trimming their tree. Another neighbor was helping them. I thought to myself, maybe I should help. But I also have some work to do. I decided to go finish my work first, since that is my job, then if they still needed help, I would go help out. Indeed they did need help. They were at it for the whole day. I helped out whenever I had free time, and in the process, I got to know my neighbors much better and build a better relationship with them. I also learned some handyman skills related to using a saw and ladder. When we help others, we help ourselves too. 6: Ask for advice in a timely manner When others ask us to do something, we might not know how to do it. In that case, we need to take initative to ask them for clear advice and instructions. We should not guess the answer. Even if we have an idea of how to do it, but we are not 100% sure, then we should check our understanding with the other person. This shows our respect, carefulness, and humility towards the person and task. Image Source The Guide to a Happy Life says: Even if a matter is small, I shouldn't do whatever I want. If I do, then I am not being respectful. If I have any doubts in my mind, I should note it down. Then ask someone who knows the answer to confirm. If I can get close to people of high virtues, the benefits are limitless. My virtues will increase daily, and my faults will decrease daily. 6.1 Even if a matter is small, I shouldn't do whatever I want. If I do, then I am not being respectful. When others ask us to do something and we aren't sure how to do it, then we need to ask for clear instructions, even if the matter seems small. Otherwise, we are being careless and disrespectful. Furthermore, WE might think the matter is small, but perhaps the other person views the matter as big. So no matter the size of the matter, if we don't know, we need to ask for clear instructions. 6.2 If I have any doubts in my mind, I should note it down. Then ask someone who knows the answer to confirm. Oftentimes, when we do things for others, we might later have some questions or doubts that come to find. In this case, we should stop, note down our questions, and ask the person. This sounds obvious, but people often forget. Later, they can't recall the question anymore, and then they might have done the task wrong, which creates problems in the future. When we ask our question, we also need to ask someone who actually knows the answer. Otherwise, we might get the wrong advice, which creates further problems in the future. 6.3 If I can get close to people of high virtues, the benefits are limitless. My virtues will increase daily, and my faults will decrease daily. People of high virtues are great teachers. In a school setting, it might be a studious classmate. In a work setting, it might be a star colleague or a kind and wise manager. In a life setting, it might be a wise friend or a mentor. "Getting close to people of high virtues" means spending time with them, asking them for guidance and instructions, and learning their way of thinking. When we have the guidance of successful people ahead of us, we can gain the success that they have had and avoid their mistakes. Such benefits are truly limitless. Personal Experience 6: Ask for advice in a timely manner This past year, I made friends with someone who is very wise and many years ahead of me in the study of traditional Chinese philosophy. When I encounter problems in life related to relationships, problem-solving, or happiness, I will ask him in a timely manner, and he always provides me with great advice and food for thought. I even wrote an article on some of the major things I learned from him over the past year. I also have mentors or teachers for Buddhism and Traditional Chinese Medicine. I remember my mother had some worries related to Buddhism, and no matter how much she discussed with me, she was still worried. Later, I had her talk to a teacher, and the teacher was able to calm her worries (and therefore my worries). For my health, I always ask my Chinese Medicine teacher lots of questions, and I learn lots as a result. If I didn't have questions, she probably wouldn't have much to teach me. 7: Check for understanding in a timely manner Obviously, when we are unsure of something, we should ask for advice and instruction. But even if we are sure about something, we should make a habit of checking our understanding. This improves our carefulness and humility, which will make our loved ones feel like they can count on us. Image Source To give a simple example, let's say your mother asks you to buy vinegar. You know that usually she buys black vinegar. But to nurture your carefulness and trustworthiness, you could check by saying, "Just to check, you want black vinegar right? Not white vinegar or apple cider vinegar?" At this point, she might say, "Yes. Oh but I want the big bottle this time, not the usual small bottle." So when we check for understanding, some other important piece of information might come out. The Guide to a Happy Life says: What I have not seen with my own eyes, I will not say lightly. What I do not know for sure, I will not pass onto others carelessly. If something is inappropriate, I will not carelessly agree to do it. If I do agree, then whether I do it or not, I will be wrong. Don't do many things at once; haste makes mistakes. Don't be afraid of difficulty, and don't be careless with easy tasks. If I have any doubts in my mind, I should note it down. Then ask someone who knows the answer to confirm. 7.1 What I have not seen with my own eyes, I will not say lightly. What I do not know for sure, I will not pass onto others carelessly. One of the most common reasons people create resentment and burn bridges is by spreading bad rumors about others. If we hear bad gossip about someone, we should not spread it. If it is relevant to us, then we can check with the person to see if the rumor is true or not. Only after we are sure of the whole situation and all perspectives do we have the right to make a judgment. But if the matter does not concern us, then we do not need to get involved. When others see that we do not like to involve ourselves in gossip or rumors, then they will come to trust us as a truly caring and good person. 7.2 If something is inappropriate, I will not carelessly agree to do it. If I do agree, then whether I do it or not, I will be wrong. If we are not sure about whether or not we should do something, then we need to check with someone who knows, such as a leader or an elder. If we do not check, then doing it is wrong because we are guessing, and guessing is careless. Not doing it is also wrong because we did not fulfill our responsibility, and we might have caused trouble to others. 7.3 Don't do many things at once; haste makes mistakes. Don't be afraid of difficulty, and don't be careless with easy tasks. Sometimes, our parents or leader or partner will say something that they want or that needs to be done, and then we rush to go do it. Or maybe we are busy, and we rush to finish it for them as quickly as possible. This kind of rushed attitude will lead to mistakes. Since we are so busy, we forget to check our understanding of the task, so we end up doing the wrong task or doing the task wrong. Therefore, we need to nurture a patient mind and remember to check our understanding before doing things for others. If something is hard and difficult, we also do not need to be afraid. Why? Because we can ask for advice and instructions from someone who knows how to do it. Then, we should repeat the instructions back to clarify our understanding. Even if something seems small and easy, like the example of buying vinegar mentioned above, we should still check for understanding to nurture our carefulness and humility. 7.4 If I have any doubts in my mind, I should note it down. Then ask someone who knows the answer to confirm. Often times, we might have questions or doubts after we started doing something, or when the other person isn't there. In these situations, we need to remember to write these questions down. Otherwise, we might forget our question, and then we might end up doing the task wrong. Personal Experience 7: Check for understanding in a timely manner In my weekly Chinese philosophy class, I always summarize my notes, then send it to the teacher to check, make any corrections, then send it to our class group chat. One time, my teacher was away on vacation, so I wrote, "I know you are on vacation, so it's no rush, please check these notes when you have time." Later, he replied, "No problem." I was confused as to whether or not he meant, "The notes have no problem. You can send them to the group." or "No problem, I will check the notes when I have time." I guessed it might be the latter because if the notes had no problems, I imagine he would tell me to send the notes to the group. But I decided to check with him and asked, "Do you mean no problem as in you will check it later?" He replied, "Oh sorry, I meant the notes have no problems." If I did not check with him, I probably would have waited another couple of days, and my teacher would probably have wondered why I didn't send the notes yet. Conclusion Love and respect are not just empty words, they are shown on a daily basis through each and every small action. When we have loving relationships, we will have a happy life. The Guide to a Happy Life gave us seven timely actions to build strong relationships: Show consideration in a timely manner Give updates in a timely manner Give advice in a timely manner Respond in a timely manner Participate in a timely manner Ask for advice in a timely manner Check for understanding in a timely manner Reflection : Which ones do you currently do well? Which ones do you need to improve on?

Image Source: 1 , 2 There were two couples who were neighbors living across from each other. One couple had arguments and conflict every day. The other couple lived very harmoniously. As time went on, the conflicting couple got tired and frustrated with always arguing, and they envied their harmonious neighbors. One day, the wife from the conflicting couple decided to ask the wife from the harmonious couple what their secret to harmony was. The harmonious wife said, " Oh, simple. In your house, you're all good people. In our house, we're all bad people. " The conflicting wife was bewildered and said, " I don't understand. " The harmonious wife explained, "For example, let's say you put a cup on the table. Your husband accidentally knocks it over and it breaks. You believe that you are right and good in this matter, so you criticize him: ' What's wrong with you? How could you be so careless?' Your husband also believes he is the good guy, so he criticizes you back: ' What's wrong with you ? You shouldn't put the cup so close to the edge of the table! ' But in my house, everyone is a bad guy. If my husband accidentally knocks a cup over, I would say, 'I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have put that cup so close to the edge of the table. It's my fault.' Then my husband would say, 'No it's my fault for being careless while walking. I'm sorry.' Then we happily clean up the mess together." Commentary There is a Chinese saying that goes, "Wise people fight for the blame. Stupid people fight to be right." (賢人爭罪。愚人爭理。) From this story, we can see how the more we try to put the blame on others, the more conflict we create. But when we are humble and take the blame, the conflict is resolved. Wanting others to take the blame is a sure recipe for unhappiness because everyone has an ego. Besides, we cannot control other people's behavior, we can only control ourselves. Moreover, the way we treat others is how others will treat us back. So if we always blame others, others will naturally blame us back. But if we always apologize and respect others, others will also apologize and respect us back. As Mencius said, "One who loves others will constantly be loved by others. One who respects others will constantly be respected by others." (愛人者人恆愛之，敬人者人恆敬之。) I remember hearing this and thinking, " But when I try to be patient and understanding to that person, they don't return the kindness! Then I get upset again. " Later, I learned that relationships are like a bank balance. If I meet a stranger, our relationship bank balance is 0, so if I treat them nice, they will treat me nice back. But for someone that I have had conflict with for a long time, we have a negative relationship bank balance. Apologizing or saying nice words once or twice is not suddenly going to bring the relationship balance back to positive. We have to accumulate over time by apologizing for our past mistakes and doing kind deeds. The more sincere we are, the faster the accumulation. Conclusion If we insist we are the good guys, our relationships might encounter more conflicts. If we insist we are the bad guys, our relationships will have more harmony. Weekly Wisdom #229

Have you ever tried to help someone, but they got annoyed at you? Pretty outrageous, right? I read a story related to this problem that I thought was quite enlightening. Image Sources: 1 , 2 During the Great Depression (1929-1941), there was a small grocery store in a town in southeastern Idaho. The store was owned by Mr. Millers, who would set up a small table outside his store, and people on their way home could stop by to pick up some fresh produce. At the time, both food and money were in severe shortage, so people started trading items. In the town lived a few extremely poor families, and the children would often visit Mr. Millers' store. However, they did not come to buy anything, they simply wanted to admire the rare and precious items that Mr. Millers sold. Despite this, Mr. Millers always happily welcomed them the same way he welcomed every other customer. "Hi Barry! How are you today?" "Hi Mr. Millers! I'm pretty good, thanks. Those peas sure look good." "Really? They aren't actually that great. Barry, how's your mother's health?" "She's getting better." "That's good to hear. Would you like anything today?" "No Mr. Millers. I still think those peas are really fresh though." "Do you want to bring some home?" "No Mr. Millers, I don't have money to buy them." "Do you have anything to trade with me? You don't have to have money." "Oh…all I have are some glass balls that I won." "Really? Let me have a look." "Sure, here you go. This one is the best." "Yes, I can see that. Hmm… the only thing is, this is a blue ball, but I want a red one. Do you have a red one at home?" "I might!" "How about this, you can take a bag of peas home first. Next time you come, please bring me a red glass ball." "Definitely! Thanks so much Mr. Millers!" Every time Mr. Millers talks with these impoverished little kids, Mrs. Millers would stand silently at the side with a smile. She knows this kind of game all too well, and she understands her husband's intentions. The town has two other boys who are very similar to Barry. Their families are all struggling, they don't have any money to buy anything, nor do they have any valuable possessions to trade. To help them without making them feel bad or embarrassed, Mr. Millers would pretend to haggle over a glass ball. For example, this time Barry has a blue glass ball, so Mr. Millers asks for a red one. When Barry brings the red glass ball next time, Mr. Millers will ask to see a blue or orange one instead, and tell them to bring a bag of produce home. After many years, Mr. Millers became ill and passed away. All the townsfolk went to his funeral and expressed their condolences to Mrs. Millers. In the long line of people who were going to deliver a eulogy, there were three men who stood out from the rest of the crowd. One was wearing a military uniform; the other two were wearing a top hat, a white dress shirt, and a well-ironed suit. The three men all looked very dignified. Image Sources: 1 , 2 As Mrs. Millers stood by Mr. Miller's coffin, the three men came up and hugged her one by one, and each gave some words quietly. Her tears flowed as she watched the three men stand in front of the coffin and put their warm hands on Mr. Miller's cold, pale hands. These three men were the three poor children with whom Mr. Millers often traded his food for their glass balls and other small items. When they hugged Mrs. Millers, they told her how grateful they are to Mr. Millers for "trading" with them during those difficult years. Now, Mr. Millers would no longer change his mind about what color or size of glass balls he wants, and these three men no longer need to rely on assistance for their livelihoods, but they will never forget Mr. Millers. Although Mr. Millers never became rich, he had perhaps the most rich and valuable life in all of Idaho. And now, in his lifeless right hand, the three men placed three red glass balls as a symbol of their appreciation. Helping others is a virtue, but sometimes, in our efforts to help others, we unconsciously show off our ability and make others feel embarrassed or disrespected. In that case, are we really helping them, or are we showing off our abilities and looking down on others? To help others without making it obvious is a rare and precious attitude. This was what Mr. Millers did. This is not just sympathy, but real love. (Story Source: Harvard Family Instruction) My Experience I'll start by sharing a failure that I hope you can avoid. Recently, I started working with two other English teachers. Unlike me, they never had formal English teaching training or experience, so I offered to coach them. One of them was very eager to learn, and she asked me to observe her class and give feedback. The other one had been teaching a class his own way for a year, and he didn't ask me to observe his class until the other teacher pushed him to. After observing his class, I gave some critiques and even took initiative to record a video of how I would plan a lesson and make the PPT. In my mind, I was doing him a big favor. I am quite busy, but I decided that helping him is more important right now because his matter is time sensitive. Not only did I make a lesson for him, I also recorded the whole process to help him learn. However, my actions were somewhat interpreted as an arrogant show-off. From that experience, I learned the importance of being sensitive to others' ego when trying to help them. The fact is, we all have an ego, so I am certainly not looking down on him. If I could go back in time, I would make a lesson plan and PPT and say, " I just happened to have some free time recently, and I was interested in your course, so I tried making a lesson plan and PPT. Could you check them and let me know what you think? " If he didn't have time to look at my proposed plan before he taught his class, I wouldn't be upset. After all, my goal should be to provide reference material, not to tell him what to do. Aside from that failure, I also have successes. For example, I'm living in the same building as my teacher right now, and I want to be of service to him by giving him Tui Na massage before bed to help him sleep better. Rather than saying, " Teacher, I can help you sleep better by giving you Tui Na massage at night, " I said, " Teacher, I want to learn and practice Tui Na massage so that I can massage my parents better at home. Could I practice on you at night, and you tell me if it helped you sleep better? " This way, my teacher was happy to let me massage him. Another time, a colleague and I were discussing who would drive a guest from the other building over to our building in the morning. Later he messaged me saying that the guest needs to be picked at 5:15AM, and that he could do it. I knew that 5:15 is much earlier than his usual wake up time, and that he needs the extra sleep more than me, but I did not say that. Instead, I said, " Oh I wake up around that time anyway, so I can go pick them up. " He doesn't know what time I get up, but he knows that I get up earlier than him. When he saw my message, he said, " OK thank you! " Conclusion Wanting to help others is a good intention, but we have to be careful to not come off as arrogant, or else the other person may feel uncomfortable or even resent us! We should not point out their problems or show off how we are better. If possible, we should make it seem like they are helping us. Weekly Wisdom #236

Have you ever been impatient with others because you were really busy? Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 Recently, I got annoyed at my mother for something dumb. Basically, I was going to cook lunch, but because my mother saw that I've been very busy recently, she offered to cook instead. I said, " OK, if you have time, that would be great. Oh yeah there's that pack of vegan chicken that I kept forgetting to cook. Please cook it all. " Later, she told me lunch was ready. I came downstairs and saw that she only cooked half the vegan chicken. I got annoyed and said, " Why did you only cook half of it? There isn't that much. Didn't I say to cook all of it? " She said, " Oops. I forgot you said cook all of it. I cooked a lot of vegetables so I didn't think we need all of it. " I said, " But we already defrosted it. Putting it back in the freezer might mess up the texture. And you already put water in the frying water so I can't fry it now. What are we supposed to do with this remaining chicken? " I was clearly annoyed. My mother calmly said, " Well, if you want to cook all of it, then just take out the water and cook it. It's no big deal. " I was really surprised by her response. I thought she might say something like, " I already cooked lunch, and you're still complaining? " But instead, she practiced the quality of water that I admire so much, which is that water does not butt heads with rock, water flows around rock. In this case, I was like a rock because I was stubborn about my desire for efficiency, but she remained soft and flexible. To not get affected by others' negative emotions is very hard, and I have to admire her for remaining calm in the face of my annoyance. Reflection Later, I reflected on why I got annoyed over such a small and frivolous thing. I think there are a couple interrelated reasons. First, I have been really busy recently, and I always feel like I'm in a rush and that there's never enough time to do all the things I need to do. When I'm already in this agitated mindset, then every small little thing annoys me. Second, I over-focus on convenience and efficiency, which only got exasperated by my busyness. The problem is in me, not in the outside circumstances. I think this is a really common problem that I see in lots of people around me, and it really impacts our happiness and quality of life. Below are some solutions I'm working on. 1: Make peace with the present moment First, I should remember this quote from Confucius: "If you seek speed, then you will not arrive." (Original Text: 欲速则不达) One interpretation of this quote is that haste leads to mistakes, which delays you from arriving at your destination, completing your task, or achieving your goal. For example, when I rushed cooking before, I cut my finger, then I had to spend extra time to stop the bleeding and put on a bandage, then try to finish the cooking. If I was calmer, I would have prevented such a hassle. Another interpretation is to avoid the Arrival Fallacy, which is thinking that I will be happy once I get what I want. In this case, I think I can be happy and peaceful after I finish all the things I need to do. In reality, we can never live in the future, we can only ever live in the present moment. Therefore, if I cannot be calm and at peace with the present moment, then how can I be calm and at peace later? When I finish all my things, I'll end up thinking about more things to do. The problem is not my present moment, the problem is my habit of wanting to live in the future, which is impossible. If instead, I can slow down and calmly do whatever I need to do right now, then I will also be able to remain calm and peaceful in the future. 2: Value relationships first Additionally, I should value relationship harmony more than convenience and efficiency. I know that my personality type really values convenience and hates inefficiencies. So when I saw that my mom only cooked half the vegan chicken, I was thinking, "What is this illogical thinking! It would have taken the same amount of time and oil to cook all the vegan chicken. Why only cook half of it? Now we have re-freeze it, re-thaw it later, heat up the pan again, put in new oil, wait another 10 minutes to cook a second batch. What an unnecessary waste of time!" The matter sounds trivial, but it's the principle of not wasting time that really bothered me. But this is precisely what I need to fix in myself. Next time, I should tell myself, " Relationship harmony is more important than convenience. The key to a happy life is happy relationships, not convenience or efficiency. " Icon Source If I had remembered this, then I would have been able to calmly and nicely tell my mom that she can save a lot of hassle by cooking the whole batch at once. In other words, the content of my words were not the problem, my annoyance was the problem, and the root of that annoyance is my over-focus on efficiency. Moreover, if I had remembered that relationships with loved ones should be my priority, then despite my busy schedule, I would still take the time to check in on loved ones and help out wherever needed. To redeem myself, I later took initiative to help my mom with some laundry even though I was busy working at that time. 3: Manage my priorities and time better The above two solutions address the problem from the root: the mind. But I can also make adjustments at the action level. For example, I should carve out some time every day to reflect on my time management and to choose my priorities more thoughtfully. As the saying goes, "You can do anything you set your mind to, but not everything." I need to be focused on my one or two priorities and let go of the rest. When facing interruptions or new requests for my time, I shouldn't get sidetracked so easily. I need to ask, " Is this important? Is this urgent? Must I absolutely interrupt my original plan to do this thing right now? " In my experience, when I have crystal clarity on my priorities, I can be more disciplined in my time management and resist distractions. This prevents me from wanting to do more than what is realistic, which prevents the feeling of not having enough time and getting annoyed as a result. I also learned that when planning my time, I should give time to others in order of gratitude because this aligns with our innate sense of right or wrong. Since I am more grateful to my family than my workplace, I should prioritize them first. If I'm doing work, and my family needs some quick help, then I'm happy to help out immediately. If they need a big favor, then I can calmly communicate a more suitable time to help out. Conclusion We are all busy people, but we should not let busyness be an excuse for a bad attitude towards others. After all, the key to a happy life is good relationships, not convenience. Do you have other solutions? If so, I'd love to hear them. Weekly Wisdom #245

Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 In the past few weeks, I had a few misunderstandings with my mom that led to me explaining myself, which only worsened the conflict. It's quite ironic how the more I try to explain myself, the more others think I'm wrong. Although I know that explaining myself usually did not lead to good results in the past, it's just so hard to resist that urge, otherwise I'd feel wrongfully treated. After each time, I reflected on how to prevent the same problem next time. I've tried things like " Treat others the way you want to be treated ", but I think if I unfairly criticize someone, I would want them to tell me. So I start explaining myself, and then it goes downhill. " Be strict with yourself and lenient with others ", but it's quite hard to happily accept the feeling of being wrongfully treated. " Remember karma. If you argue with others, others will argue with you. " But I tell myself that I'm not arguing, I'm just providing a logical explanation, and I don't mind if others critique my logic calmly. So then I start explaining myself, and things get worse from there. Eventually, I went on the Weekly Wisdom Blog to look for advice from past blog posts, and I came across Why Bad Guys Get Along . In it was a quote that sparked hope in me: "Wise people fight for the blame. Stupid people fight to be right." (Original text: 贤人争罪。愚人争理。) I want to be a wise person, not a stupid person. I realized that I am quite stupid for thinking that explaining myself this time will be different from the previous times where it has never worked. I told myself I have to remember this quote the next time I feel unfairly criticized, and I indeed had some success. The Incident One time, my mom put some clothes out to hang dry in the backyard. She had an online class from 2PM to 4PM, and I told her that it might rain around 4PM according to my weather app. She said, " Oh? My app says it won't rain until 8PM. But anyway, my class will end at 4PM, so if it rains before then, can you get it? " I said, " Sure. " I finished going for a run, showering, and washing my clothes at 3:50PM. It was still sunny outside, so I thought maybe my mom's app is more accurate, so I put my clothes outside to dry in the sun. Then I started working on my computer at a desk near the backyard door. Around 4:30, I was very focused on my work, and then my mom passed by my desk and went to the backyard. I thought she was checking out the garden. Then she started bringing in the clothes. I thought she was just bringing in the clothes before it rains, so I continued focusing on my work. After a short while, I saw a pile of stuff by the door, such that it might be hard for my mom to come back in the house, so I went to help out. Then I found out it started raining already. Later, she complained and said, " I know it's good to be focused when you work, but I was kind of annoyed when you ignored me bringing all the clothes and blankets in. Why didn't you take initiative to come help me bring all the stuff in? " I was really tempted to say, "What! How am I wrong here? I was going to bring the stuff in at 4PM, but it was sunny, and you said it wouldn't rain until 8PM, so I even put my clothes out. I didn't know it was raining at 4:30, so it's not like I purposely did not want to help. Why do you assume I don't want to help? Plus, you were already finished class at that point, so I thought I could leave it to you if it did rain, so I focused on my work." But I stopped myself and reminded myself that only stupid people argue to be right. If I want to be a wise person, I should just take the blame. I really had to swallow that uncomfortable feeling of taking the blame when I really didn't think it was fair, but I did it. I said, "OK. Well, I saw the sun at 4PM, so I thought maybe it won't rain for a while like your app said, but it's my fault for taking a risk like that since my phone said it would rain at 4PM. Next time, I should be more cautious and not take unnecessary risks." Then my mom said, "OK I guess I shouldn't have said that it would rain at 8PM." Then the matter was over. If I had explained my whole strain of reasons, I would be blaming my mom, which would make her feel defensive, and we might get into a whole dispute about who should bear the blame. I've been through that routine many times in the past, and I never felt happier afterwards. This time, although it was very uncomfortable for a short moment to swallow my logic and just accept being misunderstood, I was relieved that no argument arose. When I became calmer later, I tried to imagine things from my mom's perspective. In her mind, it was obvious that it's raining. It didn't occur to her that maybe I didn't see it was raining. Given that assumption, her complaint seems reasonable. I've also made wrong assumptions in the past, so I shouldn't be upset at her for making the same mistakes that I make. Later, my mom also apologized for criticizing me instead of calmly asking my perspective first. I guess she calmed down and reflected on herself too. Isn't it so ironic that when I no longer desire to be right, the other person apologies? But if I kept insisting that I'm right and they're wrong, then they would feel defensive and would never admit it. Indeed, taking the blame was the wise thing to do. Conclusion We'll probably all face situations where others unfairly criticize us or misunderstand us. Trying to defend ourselves or argue that we are right rarely ever yields good results (unless the other person wants you to debate with them). Despite knowing this, it is still quite hard to just accept the unfair treatment. If you are able to be considerate and humble and see things from their perspective in the moment, then that's amazing. I'm not at that level yet, so I need some way to help stop myself from arguing, and I found this quote to be useful: " Wise people fight for the blame. Stupid people fight to be right. " It might feel hard to swallow at first, but we'll be relieved afterwards because a conflict was prevented. Once we are calm, we can reflect on the situation better and see things from their perspective. Weekly Wisdom #246

As many of you know, I'm been working on the virtue of humility for a while. After all, no one likes an arrogant person, and an arrogant person makes lots of enemies. On the other hand, we all like humble people and prefer to help a humble person. Before, I always thought of arrogant people as those who are full of themselves, look down on others, and say mean things about people. Recently, I learned that being too sure of yourself can also appear arrogant. As a person who always emphasizes logic, this can be a problem for me. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 A Cautionary Story A few months ago, an English teacher asked me to observe his English class and give some feedback. When I observed his class, I noticed many problems. I realized he had not received professional training on teaching English as a second language like I did, and that he must have been making all these mistakes for the past year without even knowing it. When I gave him constructive criticism, he was quite resistant and argued that my advice might not be applicable to his class. Being a very logic-driven person, I then argued that these points aren't even my advice, these are industry best practices that come from veteran English teachers who have decades of experience, and I learned them from my supervisors during my years working as an English teacher in China. He was still unconvinced and asked me to demonstrate these advice by teaching his class a couple of times. After I demonstrated two lessons, we chatted again, and he was more convinced than before, but he still doubted whether or not he could do it. However, he was humble in that he tried to make changes and asked me for further guidance. In the next few weeks, he started to understand the industry best practices more, and he improved a lot. His students also gave him great feedback, and he grew more confident in his abilities. Later, I was talking to a friend, who also happened to be that teacher's brother. We chatted about my experience advising his brother, and he told me, " While it is true that my brother might have a sensitive ego, you cannot neglect the fact that you were a bit arrogant in this matter. " I was kind of surprised and asked him to explain. He said, " My brother told me that the feeling you gave him was that you are definitely and obviously right, and that what he has been doing is very wrong. Of course, I know that you probably didn't intend to make him feel dumb, but when you sound so sure that you are right, you imply that others are dumb for not agreeing with you. " I said, " OK…So, what am I supposed to do then? Downplay my advice as not being right for sure? But I want him to take the advice seriously and not keep making those mistakes, which is bad for him and his students. Besides, the advice isn't even my advice. It's industry best practices that I learned from veteran teachers. I wasn't trying to make it seem like I'm a know-it-all, I was just trying to teach him basics that any English teacher would learn if we got professional training. " My friend replied, " OK, think about it this way. Are industry best practices fixed in stone? Were the industry best practices 100 years ago the same as today? Do you think they'll be the same 100 years from now? So even if you say this is not your advice, that it's the industry best practices, you still should not be so overly-confident. You can be more humble in presenting the advice by saying, ' This is just the best advice that I have to offer, but it may not be the best. You can consider it if you like. ' Besides, a humble person never tries to be above others, but rather tries to help others rise above them. If your intention was truly to help my brother as opposed to ' teaching ' him, then you would be more sensitive and soft in your manner of giving advice. " My friend added an analogy, " You know when someone buys a product, and they think it's the best thing in the world? Then they tell you, ' This is the best thing in the world! You gotta buy it too! ' How would you feel? We kind of feel like, ' Woah there. Calm down. Back off. ' Right? So when we give others advice, we should be humble and not so forceful. " I understood his point and said, " I get it now. Don't be so forceful and overly confident that my advice is definitely great. Otherwise, others might feel like I'm arrogant or pushy. If I truly want the best for others, I would be more considerate and deliver my advice in a softer, humbler way that they could more easily accept. At the very least, their ego wouldn't feel attacked. And if I am truly humble, I wouldn't demand them to follow my advice, because I wouldn't think my advice is the best thing in the world anyway. They know their situation best, so they have the right to choose whether or not my advice is applicable to them. " An Exemplary Story Aside from that experience, I also met a great role model who demonstrated this exact point of being humble when giving advice. As many of you know, I'm really into Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) because it's simple, mostly free, and convenient to do at home. Recently, I had the honor of meeting the doctor that I first started learning TCM from online. She was delighted to know that I love learning about TCM and that I benefited a lot from practicing her teachings at home. I asked her for some guidance regarding my mother's health situation. I first reported my thoughts based on what I've learned from her lectures and a TCM textbook that I've been reading, then I asked her for advice. She gave me some advice, but she ended by saying, " These are just some thoughts for you to consider. " I was quite surprised, and I wondered if she thinks I'm really knowledgeable on TCM or something, so she didn't want to be too firm in her advice? I asked her, " You're the obvious expert on this subject, I'm just a newbie, of course I will listen to your advice. Why did you say it's just some thoughts for me to consider? " She replied, " Oh, that's because compared to the ancient TCM doctors, I am far far behind them. I wouldn't want to sound too confident in my advice, as if it were that great. Moreover, TCM is very deep and complex, so we cannot be so sure of ourselves. " From her response, I reflected deeper on why we shouldn't sound so confident when we give others advice. Indeed, we are far behind the true experts in the world. Moreover, the more we learn about a topic, the more we realize how much we don't know. Thus, a true expert wouldn't sound so confident and sure of themselves, as if they are definitely right. Further Reflections As I reflect more on this topic, I have further realizations. First, the person asking about a problem might not understand their problem clearly. In that case, the advice you give wouldn't be helpful because they didn't even understand their problem to begin with. If you sound too confident, then they might blame you for giving bad advice. For example, a teacher asked me how to help his students remember grammar rules. If I didn't know any better, I might give some advice for teaching grammar, but the result wouldn't be great because people simply cannot remember grammar rules that fast. Fortunately, I knew better, so I told him, " The important thing is to adjust your expectations towards the students and to be more patient. They need more time and review to remember grammar rules. " But when others ask me a question, how can I know for sure that I see the root of their problem? Thus, I can't be so sure of myself when giving advice. Second, the person listening to your advice might not fully understand your advice. If you sound too cocky when giving the advice, they might not want to ask their points of confusion in fear of seeming dumb for not understanding you the first time. When they follow their misunderstanding of your advice and get bad results, they blame you for giving bad advice. Third, there really is no one-size-fits-all solution. Just because something worked for me doesn't mean it will work for others. Principles are always true, but methods vary from situation to situation. For example, a principle of teaching is to help students gain confidence. But the method of doing that can vary from teacher to teacher, and there is no one right way to do it. Fourth, even this "rule" of not being so confident in your speech is not an absolute rule that should be applied to every situation. I've reflected that it is most important when the trust level is not high yet. In the examples mentioned prior, I wasn't too familiar with that English teacher, so I shouldn't sound so confident when giving him advice. That TCM Doctor isn't too familiar with me or my mother's situation, so she can't be too sure that her advice is suitable. But my friend who told me that I was being arrogant was very firm in his advice because he knows me well, and he knows I trust him. I remember when I first met my mentor and asked for advice, he was very humble and soft when giving advice. Now that he knows me well, he is much more direct and firm when giving me advice. Conclusion There's a Chinese saying that goes, "Arrogance brings harm. Humility brings benefit." Arrogance is not merely just looking down on others or saying mean things about others. Being too sure of ourselves or being too forceful in our advice can also be a form of arrogance. To prevent this problem, we can remember There are many experts who can give far better advice than us. Everyone's situation is complicated, and I probably don't know the ins and outs of their situation, and they might not either. Just because something worked for me doesn't mean it will work for someone else. The deeper our understanding of something, the more we realize we don't know. If I truly want them to succeed, I would be more encouraging and warm rather than judgmental towards their problems. In the future, when giving advice to someone with whom the trust level is not high yet, I will say, " These are just some of my thoughts for you to consider. You know your situation best, so you can decide whether or not it's useful for you. " Weekly Wisdom #249

Have you ever done something with good or neutral intentions, but it didn't turn out so well? Perhaps others got annoyed or misunderstood you. Or perhaps you unintentionally created trouble for others. Icon sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 We are all human, so we all make mistakes. The important thing is to learn from them. In addition to learning from our own mistakes, we can also learn from other people's mistakes. I'll share some of mine here to help you avoid the same mistakes： Don't give away things without permission If you're doing something for someone, check with them before and after Don't publicly ask questions that the person cannot answer Consider other people's ability before asking them to do something 1: Don't give away things without permission This past week, I was out in my garden with my mother. A neighbor came over to give my mother some seeds. My mother was delighted, and as always, she went to pick some garden vegetables for the visitor. Seeing my mom always fond of giving gifts, I thought I should follow her example. She was picking fresh celery for the visitor, and I remembered she picked some tomatoes earlier in the day. I said, "How about I get a couple tomatoes that you picked earlier?" She didn't reply. Since the visitor already heard me mention the tomatoes, it felt awkward if I didn't get it for him, so I went to get a couple tomatoes. After he left, my mother told me, " Earlier I told grandpa that those tomatoes were for him. " Suddenly, I understood why my mother didn't reply earlier. It would be awkward for her to say, "No, don't give tomatoes to the neighbor. Those are for grandpa." But she also can't say yes. So she didn't say anything. I then reflected on how to avoid the same mistake next time. In the future, if I know a visitor is coming, I can check with my mom beforehand about what gift she wants to give. If the visitor came without prior notice, then I shouldn't offer any gifts; instead, I should let my mom offer the gifts. This way, I won't accidentally mention something that she doesn't want to give away. If there is something I think she can give, but she didn't give it, I can ask my mom about it after the guest leaves. Either my mom says, "No, I don't want to give that," in which case not saying anything was smart, or my mom says "Oh yeah we should give that!" in which case we can still give it to the guest later. This actually happened another time, when my mother's friend came over. As usual, my mother went to get a bunch of garden vegetables for her friend. We had just gotten a box of mooncakes from a neighbor, so I was thinking my mom might want to give those mooncakes to the visitor. But the whole time, my mother never mentioned it. I didn't say anything just in case mom had other plans for the mooncake. After the visitor left, I asked my mom about it, and she said, "Oh yeah, I forgot!" I said, "Well, this situation is better than if I had mentioned the mooncakes and you didn't actually want to give them. Besides, you gave her so much garden vegetables already, forgetting the mooncakes is hardly a problem." 2: If you're doing something for someone, check with them before and after Usually, my mother cooks breakfast. One day, I noticed my mom didn't cook breakfast at the usual time. I thought perhaps she was still busy finishing up her morning reading. I happened to be free, so I decided to cook. I saw that there wasn't much food in the fridge, so I cooked some noodles. Later, my mom came and said, "Huh, why did you cook noodles? There's enough leftovers from yesterday for breakfast." I said, "Really? I checked the fridge and didn't see much." She then opened the fridge and showed me that there were leftovers at the back behind a bag of vegetables. I realized that I could have prevented this trouble if I had simply checked with my mom if I should cook breakfast or not instead of assuming that she forgot or was too busy. Another time, I tried cooking a new kind of potato pancake. I thought it was pretty good and wanted to cook more. But I remembered to check with my mom to see if she likes it. She said it's OK, but she prefers regular pancakes. It's a good thing I asked, or else she might feel awkward to say that she doesn't like it that much, and I would have made a lot more potato pancakes. I heard a term called " loving you without your permission, " which refers to when people do something that they think is good for others, but the receiver does not want it. For example, a parent forces their child to take art classes when the child really has no interest in art. This is a lack of consideration and empathy on the giver's part. If I had cooked more potato pancakes for my mom without asking her if she likes it, I would have committed " loving you without your permission. " 3: Don't publicly ask questions that the person cannot answer In the course I'm taking, our class leader often communicates things to us on behalf of our professor. Recently, she was explaining to us how to submit our assignment online. We have to submit in two places: draft and final copy. Originally, we were told that we can submit multiple times in the draft location to check the plagiarism score, but it turns out we can only submit once. I asked, "What's the point of submitting to the rough copy if we can't submit multiple times? Maybe we should check with the school to see if there's an error with the website?" She said, "Yeah I don't know either. OK." Afterwards, I felt I might have made her look bad in front of the class because I asked a question that she couldn't answer. My intention was neutral, but my lack of consideration and sensitivity resulted in making her look bad. In the future, I should make sure that my question is one that the person can actually answer. If not, I should ask in private, not in front of the whole class. Also, I should be more polite and humble when I ask. For example, I could have said, "It seems strange that we cannot submit multiple times. Could I trouble you to check with the school and see if it's an error on their side?" 4: Consider other people's ability before asking them to do something It's Teacher's Day next week, and I was thinking of getting some classmates together to create a collective gift. I felt like our teacher would be happy to see us classmates working together. But the idea I had in mind requires quite a bit of time from each person. I thought about it, and my classmates are all very busy people, and it would be quite awkward if even one person couldn't commit. I remember this actually happened to me before. Another classmate wanted all of us to make a video together for a teacher, and it was really rushed too. The thing is, if a few people do it, it's very awkward if the remaining classmates don't join, so we're kind of pressured into doing it. I don't want to give pressure to other people, so I decided to not suggest this idea. I heard another story related to this topic. One time, a person told a monk, "The next time you guys have a charitable project, let me know. I want to donate." A few months later, the monk found out his master had a charitable project to do. He was about to call that person, but his master stopped him and said, "Wait. Are you trying to collect a debt?" He was utterly confused and said, "Master, this person told me a few months ago that she wants to contribute to the next charitable project. It's her wish." The master said, "I know you think you are keeping a promise, but think about it. It's been a few months. Maybe back then, she had money that she wanted to donate. But after these few months, it's very possible that she might have already used the money elsewhere. If you call her now and ask her to donate, and she doesn't have that money anymore, then you will cause a lot of embarrassment for her." The monk said, "I understand now. I'll wait for her to call me then." Conclusion It's great to have good intentions, but we must remember that good intentions alone are not enough to produce good results. We need to have wisdom and consideration. We are all human, so we will all make mistakes. There's no need to frustrate over our mistakes. As long as we learn from them each time, we will grow in wisdom. And before we do anything that we think is good, we should always consider the impact on others and how they might feel, and it's usually better to check with them before and after the matter. Do you have any experiences where your good intentions didn't lead to good results? What did you learn? Weekly Wisdom #256

Icon Sources: 1 , 2 A while back, someone told me about a conflict she said with her sister. She said that she is normally a kind and patient person, but her sister is extremely rude and unreasonable towards her. During a family vacation, her sister kept getting on her nerves, and eventually, she had an angry outburst at her sister. Later, she felt bad and guilty about her angry outburst, and she asked for my thoughts. I asked her if she loves her parents. She said she loves them dearly. I told her that what parents want most is for their children to be harmonious together. No one is perfect; we all have our faults and bad habits, but family should not be a place for blame and argument. Family should be a place for support, acceptance, and unity. A while later, she told me she finally apologized, and she felt such a big relief after. I admire her for being able to apologize even though her sister was the unreasonable one. I've tried to force myself to apologize even though I firmly believed that the other person is at fault, and it really isn't easy. A Key To Happiness I really admire the Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius, who said, "Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself." At first glance, it seems like being strict with myself and tolerant towards others is really tiring and unfair. But after practicing it, I've come to realize that people who always demand others to be proper and reasonable will have a miserable life. Why? First, they are always looking for people's faults, so their mind is full of negative energy. Second, they often criticize other people, which hurts their relationships. Negative relationships and arguments are a big source of misery. On the other hand, people who are strict with themselves but tolerant towards others will have a joyful life. First, they gain the joy of constant self-improvement. If others don't behave well, it's because they don't have any good role models around. Since I'm around them all the time, that means I need to set a better role model. I also need to cultivate virtues like patience and wisdom to inspire them to improve, not nag them. When we are strict with ourselves, we will use this seemingly unfavorable situation to improve our virtues, which then reaps the joy of self-improvement. Moreover, since we are tolerant towards others, we will have happy relationships, which is a great source of joy. Cultivation Starts In The Family I also really admire Confucius, who said, "Those who love their family wouldn't hate others. Those who respect their family wouldn't scorn others…When taught filial piety, people will respect all parents in the world. When taught siblinghood, people will respect all siblings in the world." (Original Text: 愛親者，不敢惡於人；敬親者，不敢慢於人…教以孝，所以敬天下之為人父者也。教以悌，所以敬天下之為人兄者也。) Note: Filial piety means having a heart of love, respect, and gratitude towards parents. Siblinghood is the same but towards siblings. In other words, the best and most natural place to cultivate virtues like love and respect is at home in the family. After all, we interact with our family members the most, so we are our true selves with them. Sometimes, people treat those outside the family better than those inside the family. In that case, it's because they have an ego and want to put on a good image in front of others. Or it's because they want something from the other person. That's not real or sincere goodness. Truly good people will definitely treat the people closest to them with love and respect. Moreover, it's very natural to have love in the family due to the blood relationship, so it's the easiest place to cultivate love and respect. Hence, family is naturally a place for mutual support, understanding, and unity. When one person has trouble, the family takes it on together without blame. When one person has good fortune, the family rejoices together. When we can cultivate this kind of attitude in the family, we can then extend it towards groups outside the family, such as at work. If we've lost this natural love and harmony in our family, then we need to find a way to recover that. My Experience I remember when I was young, I had a good relationship with my parents, especially my mother. But in my late teens, I cared a lot more about what my peers thought of me, and I felt my mother didn't understand my struggles. I chased things like material pleasures and status, and my mother criticized me a lot, which made me distance from her even more. A few years ago, I started learning Confucianism, and I learned that filial piety is the most important virtue . I also heard an important proverb: "When the family is in harmony, everything else will flourish." (Original Text: 家和萬事興。) I reflected on all the unhappiness and "bad luck" in my life, and I realized that my conflict with my mother accounted for a large majority. Over the next few years, I worked on myself to be more respectful and considerate towards my mother. Rather than being strict with her and demanding her to understand me, to not criticize me, to be more wise, I instead demanded myself to be more understanding towards her, to accept her criticisms and actually act on them, to improve my own wisdom. By letting go of my demands towards her, I naturally become more tolerant towards her, and eventually, she became more understanding and tolerant towards me. I learned that if we demand others to be good, and we often criticize them for not being good enough, they will feel negative and resist. But if we let go of demands and set a good role model, eventually, they will feel ashamed of their bad behavior and willingly improve themselves on their own accord. This is the natural and long-term way to help others improve. A few weeks ago, I wrote an article titled Notice People's Good Intentions . Once I started noticing and feeling my mother's good intentions, I felt like I recovered a lot of the innate love between parent and child. I was also able to feel other people's good intentions, and I naturally respected and appreciated other people more as well. But I still have to work to maintain this state of love and respect. If I don't consciously work on it every day, it's easy to regress back to old habits. For example, a couple weeks ago, my mom couldn't find her cellphone. Since she has a bad habit of not putting things back in their proper place, my first thought was, " You probably moved it and forgot to put it in its proper place again… " I then used my phone to call her phone. We heard the phone vibrating, but we couldn't find it. I started to get frustrated and impatient. My mom noticed and said, " It's OK, don't get frustrated. " Eventually, we found it. It was in a high cabinet. It turns out my mom had to get something from a briefcase in that cabinet, and she accidentally put the phone in the briefcase. My mom said, "Wow I don't know why I did that. I'm sorry." I said, "It's OK. I'm sure you'll improve after this incident." Later, I reflected on why I got frustrated and impatient. I think part of the reason is because I could hear the phone but I couldn't find it. But another reason is because I still held feelings of blame towards my mom, and I demand her to not make the same mistake multiple times. If I were more tolerant and respectful, my first thought would be " Don't worry mom, I'll help you find it no matter how long it takes. " A week later, my mom couldn't find her phone again. She said, " I'm really sorry. I know I just lost the phone last week, but I can't find it again. " This time, I had the awareness to do better than last time. I told my mom, " Well, it might not be you who misplaced it. It might be me. I remember I used it last night. But it doesn't even matter who misplaced it. We're in this together, and we'll find it together. " I called her phone, and again, we heard it vibrating, but we couldn't find it. It wasn't in the high cabinet. Later, we found it in a random drawer. My mom absent-mindedly put it there and forgot. But I didn't blame her this time because we are family. In fact, I am thankful for the incident because it strengthened our sense of family unity. Conclusion Nowadays, a lot of families have a many conflicts. People are tolerant with themselves but strict and critical towards family members. Naturally, they treat those outside the family the same way, resulting in conflicts in the greater society. If we want society to be more peaceful and prosperous, we need to start by making our families a place of harmony and peace, and that means being strict with ourselves but tolerant, loving, and respectful towards family members. This will create a harmonious and supportive family atmosphere, which is not only important for world peace, but also extremely important for our own happiness. As the proverb goes, "When the family is in harmony, everything else will flourish." Weekly Wisdom #257

Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 Last week, I wrote about the " Grandma is afraid you're hungry " situation. There's another problem I encountered here at my grandma's. Basically, before my mother and I arrived, my grandma was living by herself. When she got injured and couldn't move very well, she paid her neighbors money every month to cook and clean the house.   After we came, my grandma asked them to only deliver one meal a day. I asked, " Why not just let them stop delivering altogether? We can cook three meals. " She said, " Because they are rather poor and really need the money. If I don't let them deliver food at all, they will feel bad for taking my money. " We supported grandma's decision. But the thing is, my mom and I are vegan, so my grandma told the neighbors that she wanted to eat vegan with us. The neighbors adjusted their cooking to not include meat, but sometimes, they delivered food with little dried shrimps. I think they didn't know that shrimp isn't vegan. I thought about telling them, but whenever I run into them, there's always other people, and it feels like I'm being super nitpicky if I knock on their door just to tell them to not put shrimp in the cooking.    One day, I ran into the neighbor by chance, and it was just us two. I said, "Thank you so much for taking care of my grandma and feeding us such delicious and nutritious food!"   She said, "Oh it's no problem at all! If there's anything you want to eat, please tell me."   I replied, "Oh actually I don't eat shrimp either because it's not vegan. But I don't think you knew that. Sorry I didn't communicate clearly before. Your cooking is very delicious though!"   She said, "Oh really? OK I'll know in the future, thanks for letting me know."   And that was that. Politeness and appreciation always help to reduce awkwardness.   Later, I was talking to my mentor about this situation and asked him if there are any better ways to handle such a situation. Just like in last week's article, I encourage you to pause here and think about how you might handle this situation, then compare it to what my mentor said. This will give you a deeper impression and internalize the teachings more so that you can use it in your own life.   My mentor told me: "Indeed, it's quite awkward to trouble your neighbors further after they've already gone through the trouble of cooking vegan for you. One way to do it is to buy a gift for them, and then when you deliver the gift, you can bring it up in passing. This way, you're not purely troubling them in that encounter. Moreover, you can offer to give them more money to compensate for the extra trouble of cooking vegan. This way, you show your good intentions and that you aren't just selfishly adding trouble to them."   I thought, " Wow, that's a pretty good idea! My mentor is so much more considerate than me. " In the future, I'll remember that if I need to trouble others, I should try to bring a small token of appreciation or do a small favor for them first.   Do you have any other ways to politely trouble others? If so, I'd love to hear them. Weekly Wisdom #265

Most of us would like to hear more words of affirmation, praise, and appreciation, and we dislike hearing criticisms. Given this fact, we should reflect on ourselves: do we say more words of affirmation, praise, and appreciation, or do we say more words of criticism? What goes around comes around, so it's important to treat others the way we want to be treated.   Even though most of us dislike hearing criticism, it's actually important and helpful to receive criticism. Imagine if you had a big dirty spot on your face. You cannot see it. Don't you wish other people would tell you so that you could wipe it clean? Similarly, we are all human, so we all have faults and problems. Oftentimes, it's easier for other people to see our faults. If others tell us, then we can fix our faults and become better. If they don't tell us, we keep getting harmed by our faults without even realizing it. That's why successful people are humble and appreciative of criticism.   For example, billionaire investor Ray Dalio said, "When a problem stems from your own lack of talent or skill, most people feel shame. Get over it. I cannot emphasize this enough: Acknowledging your weaknesses is not the same as surrendering to them. It's the first step toward overcoming them."   Emperor Tang, who is known as one of the best emperors in Chinese history, said "If I make others feel bad for trying to criticize me, then people would be scared to advise me in the future."   Given how important and beneficial criticism can be, we should all be aware of some do's and don'ts for criticisms: Be helpful, not hurtful. Be calm, not emotional. Be humble and cautious. Don't be too confident. Choose a good time and setting. Observe their reaction and adjust accordingly. Be patient. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 If we can follow these rules, then our criticism would be viewed as caring advice instead of venting annoyance. 1: Be helpful, not hurtful. Helpful criticism does not attack the person's character, but rather focuses on how to improve. It is kind and respectful and focuses on helping the other person. On the other hand, hurtful criticism attacks the person's character without giving any hope for the future. It is rude and damages relationships. Examples of hurtful criticism: "What's wrong with you! Your report had so many errors!" "How could you forget a promise? You're such a liar."   Examples of helpful criticism: "Your report had many small errors, and that might be because you were too rushed or unfocused. To improve next time, you should finish a draft earlier and get someone to check it before submission." "When you don’t keep a small promise, I feel hurt and doubt if I can trust you in the future. I know it was probably unintentional, but I sincerely ask you to take small promises more seriously in the future.   If you're like me, you might be thinking, "OK I get it. I want people to give me helpful criticism. But most people just complain without giving any suggestions or solutions." Yes, that's true, but this is about us, not them. If we want to be a mature person, we need to focus on setting a good example to influence others rather than hoping others will set a good example to influence us. We can be the hero of our lives, or be a victim, the choice is ours. Truly good friends, colleagues, and leaders will give us helpful constructive criticism because they want the best for us. Since like attracts like, if we want to attract these kinds of people into our lives, then we need to be someone who gives constructive criticism. 2: Be calm, not emotional. A lot of times, people will criticize when annoyed, upset, or angry. That never turns out well. Thus, it's really important for us to improve our emotional self-awareness. We need to be able to catch ourselves when we feel upset, and then stop our mouth from speaking hurtful words.   According to Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence , when we get very emotional during a difficult conversation, our heart rate will increase a lot. When this happens, both sides should take a 20 minute break. Although 5 minutes may feel enough, the actual physiological recovery time needs 20 minutes.   So if we start feeling upset and our heart rate starts rising, we can say to the other person,  "Can we talk about this later when we are both calmer? Like 20 minutes later?" or "I need to go to the bathroom"  and then do some deep breathing.   Once we are calmer, we can reflect on what exactly we are upset about and how we wish they would behave next time. This way, we can give helpful criticism instead of a hurtful one. Moreover, we should reflect on our contribution to the conflict and apologize for that first. If we can't take responsibility for our own faults, then we can't ask other people to take responsibility for their faults. If we apologize first, the other person is much more likely to reciprocate and apologize too, and the conversation can become constructive. 3: Be humble and cautious. Don't be too confident. Have you ever given logical advice in a calm manner, but the other person got annoyed at you? I have, and I was utterly confused. I later learned that it's because I seemed quite arrogant to the other person. Why? Because in my mind, I felt like I am definitely right, and he is definitely wrong, so my tone of voice naturally seemed arrogant to him.   No one likes an arrogant person. When we seem arrogant, then even if our advice is good, the other person will resist or argue simply because they don't like us. So many arguments are illogical, it's just people trying to defeat the other person because they don't like the other person's arrogant demeanor. Before we give advice or criticism, we need to inspect our intentions and beliefs. As mentioned before, our intention should be to help the other person, not to vent anger. After we are sure that our intention is to be helpful, we should inspect our beliefs. If we believe that we are definitely right, and that they are definitely wrong, then we are being arrogant and uncareful.   How? Because people are infinitely complicated, and situations are infinitely complex. There's no way we understand this person or the situation completely, so there's no way our advice is definitely right or fully suitable. When we keep this at the top of mind, we will naturally be more humble and careful in my speech and demeanor.   We should also be sensitive to their ego and not make them feel attacked. Even better is if we can make them feel good and respected. Examples of arrogant criticism: "Your method is inefficient. You should use my method." "That was a stupid decision. You need to remember XYZ next time." "Why do you always overthink everything and cause unnecessary stress?"   Examples of humble suggestions: "I noticed that your method might be a bit time consuming. I use another method that you could try. I don't know if you have specific reasons for choosing your method, or if my method will be fully suitable for you though. It's just a suggestion." "It looks like that decision didn't turn out as planned. I'm sure you thought about the decision carefully, but next time you could consider XYZ to help you make better decisions." "I admire how you carefully think about everything. I think it would be even more admirable if you can add decisiveness to your list of strengths."   By being humble, we reduce the risk of creating conflict with others. Moreover, everyone likes and wants to help humble people. 4: Choose the right time and setting. Even if we have a calm mind, a caring intention, and a humble attitude, if the timing and setting are wrong, the result will still be bad. The Chinese philosopher Kun Lu (吕坤) gave seven inappropriate situations to criticize or scold others: Don't criticize them in public Don't criticize them if they already feel remorse Don't criticize before sleep time Don’t criticize before or during meals Don't criticize when they are feeling very joyous Don't criticize if they are feeling depressed Don't criticize when they are ill I would add one more: Don't criticize when they are clearly busy or rushed for time. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 , 8 From these examples, we can see that good criticism is caring. We don't criticize people publicly because they'll feel extremely embarrassed or ashamed, and they'll resent you. But it's fine to give praise publicly. We don't criticize people if they feel remorse, depressed, or ill because what they need at that time is encouragement and hope. We don't criticize before eating or sleeping because that will ruin their appetite and make it hard for them to fall asleep. We don't criticize when they are really happy because that will ruin their good mood, and major mood swings can hurt the heart.   Ideally, we give criticism in a calm and comfortable setting. It's also preferable to give criticism in person rather than over email or message, which brings us to the next point.   5: Observe their reaction and adjust accordingly. After we've gone through the above steps, we are ready to give the criticism. Ideally, we do it in person because we want to observe their reaction. If we think "I don't want to see their reaction" , then perhaps we need to adjust ourselves. We can ask ourselves, "If I were on the receiving end of my criticism, would I feel it is a fair and kind criticism?"   Doing the above steps will help us to maximize the chances of the other person accepting our criticism happily, but there's no way to guarantee that. If we give the criticism and they start arguing, we need to adjust accordingly. Our goal is to provide a helpful suggestion or to make a humble request. Our goal is not to start an argument. We should remain humble and try to understand what we misunderstood about them or the situation.   Remember that it takes two to argue. As long as we maintain a non-confrontation attitude, even if the other person is confrontational, no argument can arise. The moment we become confrontational with them, an argument will be born. Besides, if other people criticize us, don't we want to explain ourselves? Don't we want to have a discussion about the accuracy of their criticism? Then we should be prepared for the other person to be the same when we give criticism.   6: Be patient. Again, we can reflect on ourselves. When others criticize us, are we able to happily accept it the first time? Or do we need some time to digest the feedback?   If the other person is stubborn that they are right and we are wrong, we shouldn't keep debating with them. Oftentimes, people have a sensitive ego or stubborn views, so they can't accept criticism in the moment. We should not be impatient for immediate results, or demand them to change right now. That would just annoy them, and we would be upset when they don't listen. Our goal is not to "defeat" them, but rather to say what needs to be said in the best way possible. Later, when they calm down, they'll see some truth in our words, but that takes time.   Moreover, if we truly want the best for them, we can try again in the future, when the conditions are ripe to raise this topic again. How many times we try again depends on the relationship. If we are very close to them, such as immediate family, it's worthwhile to admonish them many many times. But if the relationship is not that close, such as with friends or colleagues, then we could try three times.   Conclusion Good criticism would be viewed as caring advice, and it is one of the greatest gifts we can give and receive. Bad criticism is viewed as venting annoyance, and unfortunately is common. Before giving criticism, we should ask ourselves: Is my intention to be helpful? Or just to complain? Am I calm or emotional right now? Do I think I am better than them? Am I being arrogant? Is the time and setting suitable?   During the conversation, we need to remember that "it takes two to argue", so as long as we never get confrontational, no argument can arise. We also need to be patient and give them time to digest our feedback rather than expecting them to accept and apologize right away. Depending on the relationship, we may need to admonish many times.   The art of criticism is deep and complex, but if we can do it well, our relationships will be much better, and others will greatly appreciate us. Weekly Wisdom #271

Image Sources: 1 , 2 Have you ever talked badly about your family to others? There's a Chinese saying that goes, "Do not talk about family disgrace outside the family." (In Chinese: 家醜不可外揚)   The first time I heard this, it really intrigued me. In western culture, it seems quite normal for people to complain about their family towards others. What's the big deal? Everyone has family troubles, and it's human sentiment to want to rant to some friends once in a while, right? Is it just that family politics is more troublesome in Chinese culture? Or is there something deeper I'm not understanding here? A Friend's Experience Recently, a friend shared a story that helped me understand this saying deeper. Let's call this friend Mary. Mary's younger brother was having some conflict with their parents, and he confided in her. He also asked her to not tell their parents what he said. But out of care for her brother, she still spoke up for him to their parents. Later, his brother was actually thankful that his sister argued for him.   Another time, Mary's cousin (let's call her Ella) was having trouble with her parents, and Ella confided in Mary and also asked her to not share with others. Again, Mary, out of care for her cousin, spoke to Ella's dad. He then knew that his daughter "spread family disgrace outside the immediate family" and got upset at Ella, and Ella got upset at Mary. Mary was quite surprised by the difference in outcome as compared to her brother's situation.   I suddenly had a realization: the reason we shouldn't spread family disgrace outside the family is because it is a private matter that should be resolved within the family, and we don't want other people sharing our private matters to others without our permission.   If we extend this idea broader, it applies to other relationships too, whether it be friends or colleagues. If I have a conflict with someone, I want that person to solve that conflict with me, and I don't want that person to go around talking about our conflict with other people because they will likely skew the real situation to make me seem worse than I truly am.   Mary's brother and parents didn't get upset at her because they are all part of the same immediate family. Her brother was happy that she helped him communicate, and her parents are happy to see the older sister showing care for the younger brother.   Her cousin is technically part of a different (immediate) family. Her uncle was upset that Ella would say bad things about him towards someone outside the immediate family, thereby hurting his reputation. So what could have Mary done instead?   Well, the fact that Ella confided in her shows that Ella has trust towards her, and that's a good thing. It's fine for Mary to listen to Ella complain, and Mary can give Ella advice. But she shouldn't let Ella's dad know that Ella complained about him. She could try chatting with Ella's dad and ask questions that would make him talk about those troubles mentioned by Ella, then she can say things like, " Well, if I were your daughter, I might think… ". This way, Ella's dad doesn't know that his daughter talked to Mary, but Mary still achieved the objective of speaking up for Ella.   In fact, this method could even be used for Mary's brother. The difference is that she doesn't have to use this method for her brother since they are part of the same family, but maintaining anonymity is definitely needed if not part of the same family. This principle can be extended: people in the same organization can talk about the problems of the organization (with the purpose of improving the organization of course; not purely for complaining), but they shouldn't go around saying bad things about the organization to outsiders. Another Reason The Analects of Confucius  speaks of a story: one time, the Duke of She told Confucius, "My village has a very upright person. His father stole a sheep, and he reported him."  Confucius replied, "The upright people in my village are different: parents conceal the faults of children, and children conceal the faults of parents; uprightness is found within this."   (Original Text: 葉公語孔子曰：「吾黨有直躬者，其父攘羊，而子證之。」孔子曰：「吾黨之直者異於是。父為子隱，子為父隱，直在其中矣。」)   If we think about it, family members are the closest people to us. For the vast majority of people, family are the most loving people towards us, certainly more so than those outside the family. If we spread the faults of our family members, the people we should love and respect the most, then what does that say about our character? Doesn't that say we are the type of person that focuses on grudges instead of gratitude? That takes people's love and contributions for granted? I often advise others: If you want to know a person's true character, observe how they treat and talk about their parents. This is based on the Chinese idiom, "Of all the virtues, filial piety is the first." (In Chinese: 百善孝為先)  If a person doesn't even respect or appreciate their parents, who gave the most to them, then how can they truly respect or appreciate other people? A non-filial person would only treat someone nice if there is benefit for themselves. If you cannot help them, or if there's a conflict of interest, then they won't respect you anymore.   Going back to the idea of "don't spread family disgrace outside the family", if we talk about family disgrace towards others, not only will people have a bad impression of our family members, they will also have a bad impression on us. Moreover, if we truly love and respect our family, we would feel bad when others have a bad impression towards our family.   I remember hearing a story about a person whose brother was an alcoholic. His neighbors would say things like, "What a shame your brother is such a good-for-nothing."  He would reply, "Don't say bad things about my brothers. Don't ruin our brotherhood."  This shows that he is a person who focuses on other people's gratitude and good points. I can confidently guess that he'd try to advise his brother in private, but he wouldn't say bad things about him in public. I'd certainly rather make friends with him than someone who complains about family members. Focus on Essence Not Form By this point, there's probably a big question you might have: "Does this mean I cannot talk about the faults of my family members to anyone outside the family ever?!" If you have this question, that's great. My mentor often says that when we learn things, we have to understand the essence or principle of the teaching, and we shouldn't be overly stiff about the appearance or form. The essence of not spreading family disgrace to others is Respect people's private matters Protect people's reputation and sense of self-respect By doing this, we also protect our own reputation, but that is a side effect, not the main objective.   Therefore, it is OK to talk about your family problems with someone if your intention is to seek help for resolving the conflict. For example, I often talk about my family problems towards my mentor and wise friends. I trust that they will not share with others, and we discuss how I can solve the conflict effectively. But if I am simply ranting to friends, that's not great.   I know it's human sentiment to want to rant about our troubles towards friends, but that doesn't mean it is a good thing to do. Put yourself in the shoes of the listener. When someone dumps a ton of emotional baggage on you, how do you feel? Probably worse than before. Plus, it's a huge use of time! And as the person who ranted, have you gotten closer to solving the problem by ranting? Even if ranting makes us feel better afterwards, that doesn't mean we have to rely on ranting. We could use other methods that don't exhaust other people's time or make them feel worse, such as watching a feel-good movie, exercising, or doing some breathing meditation. However, I know we sometimes just start ranting without even meaning to. I've done that too. When that happens, we can simply apologize for ranting and steer the topic towards finding a solution, and then thank them for their help.   But if others rant to us, we shouldn't start criticizing them for ranting. After all, they are already in a bad mood. To criticize them while they are in a bad mood would make them feel worse, and it means we are not sensitive to other people's feelings. We can listen and try to guide them towards finding a solution. When they are in a better mood, we can encourage them to change from a problem-talker to a problem-solver.   Back to the topic of not spreading family disgrace…it's not great to rant to friends, and it's even worse to talk about family disgrace in a public setting. I remember reading about a celebrity in a magazine, and he talked about the abuse that his parents gave him during his childhood. At the time, I didn't think much of it, but now, I can see why some people would think that's very inappropriate. You can communicate with your family members in private about your feelings of resentment towards their past actions, but you don't need to share that with the media and the public. That doesn't help anyone, and it might encourage others to complain about their family instead of thinking about their family's gratitude and love. One More Story I remember in a class one time, a classmate (let's call her Jenny) shared some bad behavior of her parents. Later, I was chatting with some other classmates, and they said Jenny shouldn't talk about her parents like that in front of the class. I was really confused and thought Jenny's behavior was fine. I said, "But Jenny is sharing her situation to ask for advice from the class and teacher. It's clear to me that her intention isn't to complain. The purpose of our class is literally to share our problems and get advice. I think it's great that she is brave enough to speak her mind, and that she trusts us enough to say the truth. And by speaking of the specifics, we can all help her better."   My classmate replied, "Sure, but she could have said, 'So what if someone's parents do XYZ, what should the child do?' Even though we might all guess that it's her parents, at least it shows that she has the thoughtfulness to protect her parents' reputations, and no one can say for sure that her parents really did those things. Now that she's said those things, I have a bad image of her parents and her."   I then realized the merit to my classmates' views. Indeed, if it were a private conversation just between one or two people, then it might be OK to directly talk about family members' problems. But in a class with lots of people, many of whom are not close to us, it's more considerate and appropriate to use anonymity.   Conclusion Every family, group, and organization has inner troubles. When we have conflict with others in our group, we shouldn't talk about the faults of other people or of the group towards those outside our immediate group. It's fine to ask for guidance from trusted individuals privately. But if there are lots of people listening, then we should anonymize people's names. At the core, it's all about treating others the way we'd want to be treated and protecting other people's reputation and self-respect. Weekly Wisdom #277

Have ever encountered an awkward conflict and not know what to do? That happened to me this past week, and I saw my mentor handle it really smoothly. Image Source: Wix AI Every week, I attend an online Chinese philosophy discussion class with a small group of people. Usually, one person shares a problem they are facing and what they've done to try to solve it, and then the MC guides everyone to discuss the problem together. At the end, our teacher and mentor gives feedback to all our discussed ideas.   This past week was supposed to be my turn to share. That day, I was really tired because I had another presentation as well, and I even had a headache. But I decided I can't pull out last minute, as that'd be too little notice, so I endured my headache and went. To my surprise, there was a new person, and the MC recognized this person. The MC said, "Oh today we have a special guest! We've worked together 3 years ago. It's been such a long time! Let's have him speak a few words."   The MC just wanted him to introduce himself, but he misinterpreted the MC's meaning to mean share about his entire situation and any problems he's facing in life, so he was rather nervous and said, "Seriously? Can you give me some time to prepare?"   The MC said, "Sure,"  and then she talked a bit about other things. Then she invited the guest again. When the guest started speaking, I realized that he thinks he needs to do a full sharing that would take up the time I was supposed to have. I messaged the MC asking, "Am I still sharing today…?"  She replied, "I think he misunderstood my meaning…"   I messaged, "It's OK. It's a rare opportunity for him to get guidance from our mentor. I'll let him have this opportunity today." This worked out to be quite a serendipity because I also had a headache that day, so I was thankful that he unintentionally took my place.   After he shared his story and problems, he said he hopes to get to know everyone and learn from us. The MC asked us if we had any thoughts on what he had shared. No one raised their hand. The MC then asked us to all introduce ourselves to him. Clearly, she was off her game that night; after all, it's rather strange that everyone should introduce themselves to this one new person, but our teacher didn't say anything.   After our self-introductions, the MC then asked the guest to talk more about his job. He replied, "Seriously? We haven't seen each other in three years, and this is how you treat me?"   The MC replied, "It's precisely because I haven't seen you in so long that I want to hear you share more."   At this point, the awkwardness and tension had reached its peak. I had no idea how we could dissolve the tension. Then our teacher stepped in and said, "I think maybe I should speak a few words now. I'm actually pretty happy that they are so excited to see each other again. It's like when you haven't seen a family member for a long time, and then you finally see them again, and you're so excited that you forget how to MC. This is the family culture that we often advocate in Chinese philosophy. I hope everyone feels at home here. And even though each of you may leave here temporarily for personal reasons, know that we'll always welcome you back just like family. As for whether or not you'll be asked to share the first day you're back, that'll depend on the MC."   After my mentor said that, everyone laughed, and the tension was gone. My mentor then added,  "We all need to inspect ourselves frequently: am I living consciously or habitually? In the past, our discussion class was always the same routine. Today, that routine was broken, and our MC struggled to adapt. So we need to all practice living more consciously, which would then allow us to adapt to new situations better. I also think today's discussion is more interesting. Having some unexpected challenge adds spice and excitement, don't you think?"   The rest of the discussion then continued pretty smoothly. After the class was over, I thought the MC might feel really embarrassed about her mess up and keep replaying it in her mind, so I messaged her saying, "Just in case you feel embarrassed about today’s MCing, I am actually quite thankful for it because I got to see how our mentor saves an awkward situation. Also, if I were in your situation, I’d be the same, if not worse. And everyone’s busy thinking about other stuff now, so hope you don’t keep worrying about it."   She replied, "Thanks. This was a good test for my cultivation. Obviously I still need to improve my ability to remain calm in the face of surprises and my adaptability."   Post-Reflection Afterwards, I contemplated why my mentor was able to save that awkward situation. What do you think? I think it's because he always tries to interpret other people's intentions positively. Indeed, the MC didn't have any negative intentions, she was just nervous. By explaining her actions with positive intentions to the audience, people suddenly viewed her in better light.   This principle is widely applicable to daily life. Just this past week, I encountered two classmates slightly arguing about something and then being unhappy. I could've said something like, "Oh you guys really care about each other's opinions so that's why you would try so hard to communicate. Communication is not easy, and taking a break is helpful."   Another time, after a classmate delivered a presentation, I said, "Nice job!"  She said, "No it was mediocre."  I said, "Well no matter how hard we try, we'll always have some mistakes. We need to judge ourselves based on our effort, not the result."  She replied, "But despite my effort, the result is still mediocre."   At this point, I didn't know what to say, so I just didn't say anything. Looking back, the reason I was at a loss for words is because I didn't try to interpret her intentions positively. If I had, I would've said, "Well, I admire how strict you are with yourself, and I'm sure you'll learn and improve from this experience."   Concluding Thoughts When you encounter awkward situations or conflicts, do you try to interpret others' intentions positively? Are you living consciously more or habitually more?