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It's also to help us have better relationships. The giver doesn't seem to want to leave the relationship. That's making the relationship deficit even worse. Conclusion Good relationships are key to a happy life. Most relationships are a mixture of all four.

Do you want to improve any of your current relationships, whether they be family, friends, or professional Around 2500 years ago, the Buddha taught The Four Methods of Befriending (四攝法) to nurture relationships Example 2: Colleagues Let’s say we want to improve our relationships with colleagues. for everyone in the relationships. For non-intimate relationships, using any and all of the Four Methods of Befriending would help.

Image Source: Unsplash Aside from romantic relationships, we all have so many other types of relationships So how can we nurture loving relationships? This applies not just to workplace relationships, but to all relationships. can take to raise relationships higher. and is best used for intimate relationships.

Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 Last week, I wrote about the " Grandma is afraid you're hungry " situation. There's another problem I encountered here at my grandma's. Basically, before my mother and I arrived, my grandma was living by herself. When she got injured and couldn't move very well, she paid her neighbors money every month to cook and clean the house.   After we came, my grandma asked them to only deliver one meal a day. I asked, " Why not just let them stop delivering altogether? We can cook three meals. " She said, " Because they are rather poor and really need the money. If I don't let them deliver food at all, they will feel bad for taking my money. " We supported grandma's decision. But the thing is, my mom and I are vegan, so my grandma told the neighbors that she wanted to eat vegan with us. The neighbors adjusted their cooking to not include meat, but sometimes, they delivered food with little dried shrimps. I think they didn't know that shrimp isn't vegan. I thought about telling them, but whenever I run into them, there's always other people, and it feels like I'm being super nitpicky if I knock on their door just to tell them to not put shrimp in the cooking.    One day, I ran into the neighbor by chance, and it was just us two. I said, "Thank you so much for taking care of my grandma and feeding us such delicious and nutritious food!"   She said, "Oh it's no problem at all! If there's anything you want to eat, please tell me."   I replied, "Oh actually I don't eat shrimp either because it's not vegan. But I don't think you knew that. Sorry I didn't communicate clearly before. Your cooking is very delicious though!"   She said, "Oh really? OK I'll know in the future, thanks for letting me know."   And that was that. Politeness and appreciation always help to reduce awkwardness.   Later, I was talking to my mentor about this situation and asked him if there are any better ways to handle such a situation. Just like in last week's article, I encourage you to pause here and think about how you might handle this situation, then compare it to what my mentor said. This will give you a deeper impression and internalize the teachings more so that you can use it in your own life.   My mentor told me: "Indeed, it's quite awkward to trouble your neighbors further after they've already gone through the trouble of cooking vegan for you. One way to do it is to buy a gift for them, and then when you deliver the gift, you can bring it up in passing. This way, you're not purely troubling them in that encounter. Moreover, you can offer to give them more money to compensate for the extra trouble of cooking vegan. This way, you show your good intentions and that you aren't just selfishly adding trouble to them."   I thought, " Wow, that's a pretty good idea! My mentor is so much more considerate than me. " In the future, I'll remember that if I need to trouble others, I should try to bring a small token of appreciation or do a small favor for them first.   Do you have any other ways to politely trouble others? If so, I'd love to hear them. Weekly Wisdom #265

Alan Zimmerman said, "Trust is a must or your relationships will bust." To that, I might add, "If your relationships bust, your happiness will rust." misunderstand trustworthiness to simply mean honesty, but someone who is bluntly honest would ruin their relationships Trustworthiness is something we have to continually work on and maintain, but the reward (great relationships

These principles are not just for romantic relationships, but all relationships, including family and workplace relationships. Why relationships fail Principles for successful relationships What is “Love”? Action Level For building relationships 1. Bad relationships ruin life, while great relationships make life worth living.

Recently, a teacher colleague discussed some class problems with me: "I noticed that some students in my kindergarten class like to police classmates and hate admitting mistakes, especially Jenny. For example, when Joe accidentally hit Carol with his elbow while coloring, Jenny came to me and said Joe hit Carol. But it was an accident, and Joe even said sorry right away.   I know other teachers might just tell the students to directly talk to each other rather than personally scold the wrongdoer, but I'm not sure if this is a good idea. Maybe it would help them develop their social skills, but maybe it's better for the teacher to get involved.   Also, yesterday it was Jenny's turn to turn off the lights when leaving the classroom, but she forgot. I often have to remind her, but yesterday I didn't. I asked Carol to help turn off the lights instead.   Later, Carol said to Jenny, 'By the way, you forgot to turn off the lights when we left the classroom, but don't worry, I helped you turn it off.'   Jenny responded, 'No I didn't. I turned off the lights.'   I told Jenny, 'Maybe you remembered wrong. I noticed you didn't turn off the lights, so I asked Carol to help.'   She said, 'No, I remember very clearly that I turned off the lights.'   It seems to me like Jenny hates to admit mistakes, and I don't know what to do with her. Do you have any advice?"   I replied: "I lack expertise and experience with kindergarteners, so I don't know if I can give any good advice. But I'll try to offer something that hopefully can help.   Firstly, about whether or not we should let students work it out themselves instead of tattletaling, I think the problem is not the matter, the problem is the intention. If Jenny comes tell me that a classmate did something wrong, I would ask her, 'OK. Why are you telling me this? Are you trying to help them correct their faults? Or do you just want them to get punished?' The point is that we should be trying to help our classmates correct their faults.   Then I would say to Jenny privately, "OK, so our goal is to help them correct their faults. Let's wait until recess or after lunch. I'll tell the other classmates to go play, and I'll ask you and Joe to stay behind in the classroom. Then you can politely tell Joe, 'Today you hit Carol, and I think you should apologize to Carol for that.'   If Joe doesn't know how to respond, then I'll tell Joe, "Jenny is very respectful towards you! She waited until the other classmates left to give you important advice. What should we say when others try to help us improve?"   Then Joe would know to say "Thank you."   Later when the class is back, I might tell the class what happened and praise Jenny for helping Joe to correct a fault, and I'd also praise Joe for being humble and accepting Jenny's advice. This way, the whole class learns that advising others respectfully and accepting advice humbly are good deeds.   I would also tell the class, "Mistakes are only bad if we don't learn from them. But if we learn from our mistakes, then we turn them into valuable lessons. And that's awesome!" Of course, saying this is one thing, but we have to believe in it and guide our students to learn from each mistake and praise them for it. Only then would they truly internalize it.   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 As for why Jenny always polices others and hates to admit mistakes, I wonder if that might be related to her parents? Maybe her parents often police her and tell her what she did is wrong or not good enough, so then she always wants to defend herself, and she starts copying her parents' behavior towards classmates."   The teacher replied, "Yes, I think that is the case with her mother. Joe's mother is similar. I often tell Jenny and Joe that they shouldn't police classmates. The teacher can tell students their faults because it's the teacher's job, but classmates shouldn't do it. But I think they are copying me too."   I said, "Right. Again, I would say that the problem is not the matter of telling others their faults. The problem is the intention and energy behind our actions. If we are policing our students and telling them 'You shouldn't do that', 'Don't do that', 'Say sorry', etc., what's our intention? Our intention will determine our facial expression, tone of voice, and body language, and kids will learn that.   Some teachers are very demanding towards kids because they feel that their kids' behavior reflects their teaching, and they want to have a good reputation in the eyes of other teachers and parents. Some other teachers demand good behavior from kids because they want class to be smooth, and they dislike dealing with trouble. Whatever the reason is, being demanding towards kids for selfish reasons will create opposition.   When we oppose kids, as if their behavior is unrelated to us, as if they choose to disrespect us, then we will blame them for not behaving in the way we want them to. When blamed, they will want to make excuses or deny fault. So we have to correct our intentions and attitude. When we change ourselves, we naturally change the way others respond to us. That's why there's a Chinese proverb that goes, 'When things don't go according to your wishes, reflect on yourself.'   If our intention is to help them improve, then we would act more like a coach, not a police officer. We could tell them that there is a good learning opportunity here. For example, when Jenny forgot to turn off the lights, I would first remind Jenny to turn off the lights. Later, I might ask Jenny, 'Let's turn our past mistake into a useful lesson. How can you make sure you remember to turn off the lights next time without the teacher reminding you?'   If she has trouble thinking of a solution, I might say to the class, "We are all one team. We need to help each other out. Right now Jenny is having trouble thinking of a way to remember to turn off the lights next time. Can anyone think of a solution?" If no one in the class has any ideas, then I can give suggestions. This is turning the problem into a learning opportunity. This is what a coach would do, but a police officer wouldn't."   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 The teacher replied, "I think it's quite insightful when you said I should focus on changing myself, not on changing others. So at home, in the morning, my nine-year-old daughter is really slow to get ready. Sometimes I start nagging at her and rushing her because I'm worried that if I don't, her dad will get angry and start shouting at her. How can I change myself then? If I am very calm and don't make a big deal out of it, her dad will shout at her."   I said, "Right. So do you think your daughter has learned your nagging and your dad's shouting?"   She said, "Yes. I noticed that she likes to point out our faults, and sometimes she'll shout angrily too."   I replied, "There's a quote that goes, 'Children don't do what you say, they do what you do.'   In the situation you mentioned, I would probably rush my daughter too. But if my intention is to help her, not to blame her, not because I'm scared of the spouse shouting, then I would be gentle but firm. People can feel our energy. If she is still slow at getting ready, and then my spouse starts shouting, then that's also a learning opportunity. I could calmly ask my spouse to be a bit more gentle and patient.   Later, at an appropriate time, I could have a conversation with my daughter. I would ask her why she is so slow. Is it because she's tired? Or she doesn't want to go school? Or just lazy? Based on her reason, we can then think of a solution. This way, she feels that we are trying to help her, not blame her.   I would also ask her to reflect on how her behavior made others feel. How did it make your parents feel? Do you want your mom and dad to feel anxious or angry? Is that a nice way to treat your parents? Given that it's not nice, how could you do better next time? Let's make a plan.   If mom and dad often get impatient, then mom and dad need to improve too. We can have a contest. You work on being faster in the morning, and if you are on time, then you get a star. If you are slow, then it's our challenge to remain calm and patient towards you. If we can do that, then we get a star. Let's do a competition and see who can get to 10 stars first. We can exchange 10 stars for a treat of our choice.   Anyway, that's just an idea. There's no one correct answer. As long as our intentions are proper, the results will naturally align themselves."   She replied, "Wow I never thought of it that way. OK, I guess my next step is to work on correcting myself, and then my daughter and students will naturally improve too."   I said, "Yes, I'm exactly the same. Honestly, it's easy to give advice to someone else. It's a completely different challenge to actually do it ourselves. I feel like I nag too much too. I don't spend enough time calmly following up with students after matters happen to turn problems into lessons, and I often blame students too. We're all on a journey of self-improvement, so let's support each other along the way!" Weekly Wisdom #371

" This helps to build a good relationship between them.

I'm teaching etiquette to middle school children this year, and in class, I reminded students that it's rude to interrupt others when they are talking, and that they should instead raise their hand and wait until the speaker is done talking and invites them to speak. I also told them that etiquette is very reasonable, and that if they ever feel like any rule of etiquette is unreasonable, we can discuss it. Image Source: Unsplash  One student asked, "You said it's impolite to interrupt others, but pretty much everyone does it, so is it really that impolite?"   Another student said, "Also, sometimes I have something important to say on the topic that just came up, and if I wait until later, I'm afraid I'll forget. Even if I don't forget, if I say it later, the feeling and impact won't be the same."   I first said, "I really like how you guys are thinking critically about etiquette and asking these questions. It will help us gain a deeper understanding of etiquette, which will then help us absorb its spirit and practice it better."   To the first student, I said, "Nowadays, people don't really learn etiquette growing up. We learn the basics like saying please and thank you, but it's really quite limited and shallow. Etiquette is a deep and broad subject, and most people don't understand much about etiquette, so impolite behavior is quite common. But just because it's common doesn't mean it's good or polite. If we want the world to become more polite, we have to start with ourselves.   Perhaps some people might think being interrupted is not that big of a deal, but what about most people? What about the typical person? If you pulled some random people off the street and asked them, 'Do you like being interrupted?', most people would probably say no. Even for yourself, perhaps you understand why others might interrupt you so you don't get upset at them, but wouldn't you still prefer it if others didn't interrupt you?"   That student nodded in agreement.   To the second student, I said, "I totally understand that feeling of wanting to say something now because we're afraid we'll forget later, and that the feeling would be different if we don't say it now. But that's just one side of the situation. Every situation has many perspectives and factors to consider. What other factors can you guys think of?"   We then discussed it as a class, and we thought of six more factors aside from our own perspectives.   1: The Other Person's Perspective Aside from our own perspective, the other most obvious factor is the other person's perspective. If they get interrupted, would they be happy towards us? If we interrupt them and it's truly beneficial to them, and they would agree that it's best that we interrupted them sooner rather than wait, then maybe it's a good idea to interrupt them. Otherwise, it's probably better if we wait for them to finish speaking first.   2: Our Goal We should always consider what our goal is when doing anything. If we have something important to say, our goal is for them to truly listen to us, right? The thing is, if they are in the middle of talking, and then we interrupt them, would they be able to suddenly shift their full attention to listen to us? Or would they be thinking, "I want to finish what I was saying!"   If we say our idea, but they're not ready to listen, then they might resist the idea simply because they feel annoyed at being interrupted. Wouldn't that be such a waste of a good idea? There's a reason why restaurants present their food so nicely. If they made a really nice meal with fine ingredients, but the presentation looks bad, people will think it's a cheap meal. Similarly, if our idea is really important, we should set up the perfect moment to present the idea to maximize its chances of being accepted.   3: Karma Karma is in everything. What goes around comes around. If we interrupt others, then others will interrupt us back. They'll think, "You interrupted me before, so it's only fair that I can also interrupt you back." If we interrupt them to tell them something that we think is important, then they might also interrupt us back because they think they have something important to say. Wouldn't that be frustrating to everyone?   4: Self-Cultivation From the perspective of self-cultivation, one of the first and foundational virtues to cultivate is patience. This is especially true in modern urban life, where everything is about speed and getting what we want right now . As a result, impatience is becoming ever more widespread. If we feel like our chest is tightening because we want to say something now , then this is precisely a moment for us to cultivate patience. Chances are, nothing tragic is going to happen if we don't interrupt, so we can wait.   5: Information Completeness Sometimes, we are listening to others, and we suddenly have an idea that we want to share. But perhaps the other person isn't finished explaining the situation yet. Our idea is based on the information they've shared thus far, but there's still more to come. If we wait for them to finish talking first, our idea might change.   If we want to give a good suggestion, then we should first make sure we have all the necessary information, and also make them feel fully understood. In that case, we would patiently listen to them speak everything on their mind, summarize their main points to check our understanding, and then ask if we can give our thoughts for their consideration.   If we instead impulsively interrupt and share our suggestion based on an incomplete understanding of their situation, then they would not only be annoyed at us, but also lose trust in us.   6: Memory From the perspective of memory, if it's truly important, would we really forget? If we forget, chances are, it doesn't have big, painful consequences. In other words, we shouldn't overestimate the importance of our ideas.   There have been times where someone said to me, "I've been meaning to tell you this for a long time, but every time I always forget." I don't remember any of these things being super critical. However, it's certainly preferable that we remember these things, so I'll share a method to help.   For example, let's say I'm listening to my principal talk about yesterday's assembly, and I suddenly had a thought, "I need to suggest to the principal that next time, the school shouldn't let Bob and Jack sit together because they talk too much and disturb others."  I don't interrupt because I am polite, but I also don't want to forget this thought. What can I do?   One method is to make an exaggerated image in my head. I would imagine Bob and Jack with very big heads talking to each other, with spit coming out of their mouth. As soon as I have this image, I can be confident that I probably won't forget. Then I focus on listening to the principal and wait until he's finished to bring up my idea.   (On a related note, when giving suggestions, I shouldn't be too definite or certain that my suggestion is good. Every situation is infinitely complex and always changing, so we should use words like "maybe", "might", "perhaps",  and "for your consideration" .)   Conclusion Interrupting others seems like a small and insignificant thing, but from our class discussion, I realized how deep and broad its implications can be. A big thanks to the students for the questions and discussion! If you have other perspectives that we missed, feel free to comment below.   Bad habits are hard to change, and I still interrupt people too, but when we understand the significance of our bad habit, we'll have more motivation to change. As long as we have motivation, we'll persist. As long as we persist, we'll definitely improve. Weekly Wisdom #361

There’s a risk of harming the relationship or creating awkwardness in the relationship. To have better relationships. Happy relationships is one of the main sources of happiness in life. In this quote, Seneca mentions some important roles and relationships we all have. These ten things are what is meant by moral duty in human relationships.” Similarly, being good and contributing to relationships is simply our moral duty.

But if we have good mediation skills, we can improve our relationships and create a happier atmosphere

Yanzi lived at the time of Confucius and was highly respected by Confucius. Previously we looked at a few of his stories: How Yanzi diffused his ruler's anger How Yanzi humiliated his humiliator How Yanzi made his ruler look good How Yanzi graciously refused his ruler Today, we'll look at another story on how he turned his ruler's embarrassing situation into encouragement. Around 2500 years ago, during the Spring and Autumn period of China's history, Duke Jing was the ruler of the State of Qi, and Yanzi was one of his trusted ministers. One day, Duke Jing had an urge to climb a tree and scoop out a sparrow's nest. He then pulled a chick out and saw that it was really small, so he gently placed the chick back inside the nest. Image Source: Gemini Yanzi found out about this incident, and he went at once to see the Duke. Since the Duke had just climbed a tree and put the sparrow back in its nest, he was sweating profusely, his clothing was messy, and his appearance no longer regal. Just as he turned his head, he saw Yanzi standing there, and he was a bit startled. (Pause: If you were Yanzi, what would you think of the Duke and say to him?) Yanzi bowed and asked, "May I ask what Your Grace was just doing to be in such a state?" The Duke sheepishly replied, "I was just looking for some sparrows to take, but when I saw the chicks were too small, I put them back." (Pause: If you were Yanzi, what would you say to the Duke?) Hearing this, Yanzi stepped back a little, turned to the north, and bowed twice. He congratulated the Duke, saying "My lord has the way of a sage king!" Image Source: Gemini The Duke was surprised and said, "I was merely taking sparrows and then putting them back because they were too small. What does that have to do with the way of a sage king?" Yanzi answered, “Your Grace took out the sparrows, but seeing they were too small, you returned them to the nest. This shows your compassion for the young and weak. If such kindness is extended even to birds, how much more will it be extended to people? This compassion is precisely the way of a sage king.” Hearing this, Duke Jing felt very encouraged and gained more motivation to be a great leader. (Story Source) Commentary When we see others do something silly or make a fool out of themselves, what do we do? Do we laugh at them? Or criticize them? What's the result? Perhaps they'll feel bad about themselves. Or they'll argue with us. Or worse, they’ll resent us. For Duke Jing, the ruler of a state, to be climbing a tree and taking sparrows from a nest was quite a silly sight. It's not a kingly thing to do. He became all sweaty, messy, and lost his majestic manner. Other people might've laughed or mocked him, but Yanzi did not. Instead, Yanzi covered up the Duke's embarrassment and turned it into praise by focusing on the spark of compassion within the Duke's actions. He seized the opportunity to encourage the Duke and guide him towards virtue. The Duke might not have thought about how he could be more kind towards his people, but when Yanzi told him that his kindness towards even little sparrows reflects the deep sage-like kindness within him, he would naturally be inspired to practice more kindness towards the people and emulate the past sage kings. This really shows how devoted Yanzi is to his ruler, seizing every opportunity to grow his ruler's virtues, to help the ruler govern well and benefit the people. If we truly want to help others succeed, we would do well to learn from Yanzi. Moreover, when the people around us are well, how can we not be lifted up with them? Conclusion The next time someone makes a mistake or does something silly, rather than laugh at them, think about how you could cover up for them and affirm their good points. When people get encouraged despite their mistakes, they will feel very grateful and be self-motivated to improve. Weekly Wisdom #403