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Do you want to improve any of your current relationships, whether they be family, friends, or professional Around 2500 years ago, the Buddha taught The Four Methods of Befriending (四攝法) to nurture relationships Example 2: Colleagues Let’s say we want to improve our relationships with colleagues. for everyone in the relationships. For non-intimate relationships, using any and all of the Four Methods of Befriending would help.

Image Source: Unsplash Aside from romantic relationships, we all have so many other types of relationships So how can we nurture loving relationships? This applies not just to workplace relationships, but to all relationships. can take to raise relationships higher. and is best used for intimate relationships.

Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 Last week, I wrote about the " Grandma is afraid you're hungry " situation. There's another problem I encountered here at my grandma's. Basically, before my mother and I arrived, my grandma was living by herself. When she got injured and couldn't move very well, she paid her neighbors money every month to cook and clean the house.   After we came, my grandma asked them to only deliver one meal a day. I asked, " Why not just let them stop delivering altogether? We can cook three meals. " She said, " Because they are rather poor and really need the money. If I don't let them deliver food at all, they will feel bad for taking my money. " We supported grandma's decision. But the thing is, my mom and I are vegan, so my grandma told the neighbors that she wanted to eat vegan with us. The neighbors adjusted their cooking to not include meat, but sometimes, they delivered food with little dried shrimps. I think they didn't know that shrimp isn't vegan. I thought about telling them, but whenever I run into them, there's always other people, and it feels like I'm being super nitpicky if I knock on their door just to tell them to not put shrimp in the cooking.    One day, I ran into the neighbor by chance, and it was just us two. I said, "Thank you so much for taking care of my grandma and feeding us such delicious and nutritious food!"   She said, "Oh it's no problem at all! If there's anything you want to eat, please tell me."   I replied, "Oh actually I don't eat shrimp either because it's not vegan. But I don't think you knew that. Sorry I didn't communicate clearly before. Your cooking is very delicious though!"   She said, "Oh really? OK I'll know in the future, thanks for letting me know."   And that was that. Politeness and appreciation always help to reduce awkwardness.   Later, I was talking to my mentor about this situation and asked him if there are any better ways to handle such a situation. Just like in last week's article, I encourage you to pause here and think about how you might handle this situation, then compare it to what my mentor said. This will give you a deeper impression and internalize the teachings more so that you can use it in your own life.   My mentor told me: "Indeed, it's quite awkward to trouble your neighbors further after they've already gone through the trouble of cooking vegan for you. One way to do it is to buy a gift for them, and then when you deliver the gift, you can bring it up in passing. This way, you're not purely troubling them in that encounter. Moreover, you can offer to give them more money to compensate for the extra trouble of cooking vegan. This way, you show your good intentions and that you aren't just selfishly adding trouble to them."   I thought, " Wow, that's a pretty good idea! My mentor is so much more considerate than me. " In the future, I'll remember that if I need to trouble others, I should try to bring a small token of appreciation or do a small favor for them first.   Do you have any other ways to politely trouble others? If so, I'd love to hear them. Weekly Wisdom #265

Alan Zimmerman said, "Trust is a must or your relationships will bust." To that, I might add, "If your relationships bust, your happiness will rust." misunderstand trustworthiness to simply mean honesty, but someone who is bluntly honest would ruin their relationships Trustworthiness is something we have to continually work on and maintain, but the reward (great relationships

These principles are not just for romantic relationships, but all relationships, including family and workplace relationships. Why relationships fail Principles for successful relationships What is “Love”? Action Level For building relationships 1. Bad relationships ruin life, while great relationships make life worth living.

Recently, a teacher colleague discussed some class problems with me: "I noticed that some students in my kindergarten class like to police classmates and hate admitting mistakes, especially Jenny. For example, when Joe accidentally hit Carol with his elbow while coloring, Jenny came to me and said Joe hit Carol. But it was an accident, and Joe even said sorry right away.   I know other teachers might just tell the students to directly talk to each other rather than personally scold the wrongdoer, but I'm not sure if this is a good idea. Maybe it would help them develop their social skills, but maybe it's better for the teacher to get involved.   Also, yesterday it was Jenny's turn to turn off the lights when leaving the classroom, but she forgot. I often have to remind her, but yesterday I didn't. I asked Carol to help turn off the lights instead.   Later, Carol said to Jenny, 'By the way, you forgot to turn off the lights when we left the classroom, but don't worry, I helped you turn it off.'   Jenny responded, 'No I didn't. I turned off the lights.'   I told Jenny, 'Maybe you remembered wrong. I noticed you didn't turn off the lights, so I asked Carol to help.'   She said, 'No, I remember very clearly that I turned off the lights.'   It seems to me like Jenny hates to admit mistakes, and I don't know what to do with her. Do you have any advice?"   I replied: "I lack expertise and experience with kindergarteners, so I don't know if I can give any good advice. But I'll try to offer something that hopefully can help.   Firstly, about whether or not we should let students work it out themselves instead of tattletaling, I think the problem is not the matter, the problem is the intention. If Jenny comes tell me that a classmate did something wrong, I would ask her, 'OK. Why are you telling me this? Are you trying to help them correct their faults? Or do you just want them to get punished?' The point is that we should be trying to help our classmates correct their faults.   Then I would say to Jenny privately, "OK, so our goal is to help them correct their faults. Let's wait until recess or after lunch. I'll tell the other classmates to go play, and I'll ask you and Joe to stay behind in the classroom. Then you can politely tell Joe, 'Today you hit Carol, and I think you should apologize to Carol for that.'   If Joe doesn't know how to respond, then I'll tell Joe, "Jenny is very respectful towards you! She waited until the other classmates left to give you important advice. What should we say when others try to help us improve?"   Then Joe would know to say "Thank you."   Later when the class is back, I might tell the class what happened and praise Jenny for helping Joe to correct a fault, and I'd also praise Joe for being humble and accepting Jenny's advice. This way, the whole class learns that advising others respectfully and accepting advice humbly are good deeds.   I would also tell the class, "Mistakes are only bad if we don't learn from them. But if we learn from our mistakes, then we turn them into valuable lessons. And that's awesome!" Of course, saying this is one thing, but we have to believe in it and guide our students to learn from each mistake and praise them for it. Only then would they truly internalize it.   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 As for why Jenny always polices others and hates to admit mistakes, I wonder if that might be related to her parents? Maybe her parents often police her and tell her what she did is wrong or not good enough, so then she always wants to defend herself, and she starts copying her parents' behavior towards classmates."   The teacher replied, "Yes, I think that is the case with her mother. Joe's mother is similar. I often tell Jenny and Joe that they shouldn't police classmates. The teacher can tell students their faults because it's the teacher's job, but classmates shouldn't do it. But I think they are copying me too."   I said, "Right. Again, I would say that the problem is not the matter of telling others their faults. The problem is the intention and energy behind our actions. If we are policing our students and telling them 'You shouldn't do that', 'Don't do that', 'Say sorry', etc., what's our intention? Our intention will determine our facial expression, tone of voice, and body language, and kids will learn that.   Some teachers are very demanding towards kids because they feel that their kids' behavior reflects their teaching, and they want to have a good reputation in the eyes of other teachers and parents. Some other teachers demand good behavior from kids because they want class to be smooth, and they dislike dealing with trouble. Whatever the reason is, being demanding towards kids for selfish reasons will create opposition.   When we oppose kids, as if their behavior is unrelated to us, as if they choose to disrespect us, then we will blame them for not behaving in the way we want them to. When blamed, they will want to make excuses or deny fault. So we have to correct our intentions and attitude. When we change ourselves, we naturally change the way others respond to us. That's why there's a Chinese proverb that goes, 'When things don't go according to your wishes, reflect on yourself.'   If our intention is to help them improve, then we would act more like a coach, not a police officer. We could tell them that there is a good learning opportunity here. For example, when Jenny forgot to turn off the lights, I would first remind Jenny to turn off the lights. Later, I might ask Jenny, 'Let's turn our past mistake into a useful lesson. How can you make sure you remember to turn off the lights next time without the teacher reminding you?'   If she has trouble thinking of a solution, I might say to the class, "We are all one team. We need to help each other out. Right now Jenny is having trouble thinking of a way to remember to turn off the lights next time. Can anyone think of a solution?" If no one in the class has any ideas, then I can give suggestions. This is turning the problem into a learning opportunity. This is what a coach would do, but a police officer wouldn't."   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 The teacher replied, "I think it's quite insightful when you said I should focus on changing myself, not on changing others. So at home, in the morning, my nine-year-old daughter is really slow to get ready. Sometimes I start nagging at her and rushing her because I'm worried that if I don't, her dad will get angry and start shouting at her. How can I change myself then? If I am very calm and don't make a big deal out of it, her dad will shout at her."   I said, "Right. So do you think your daughter has learned your nagging and your dad's shouting?"   She said, "Yes. I noticed that she likes to point out our faults, and sometimes she'll shout angrily too."   I replied, "There's a quote that goes, 'Children don't do what you say, they do what you do.'   In the situation you mentioned, I would probably rush my daughter too. But if my intention is to help her, not to blame her, not because I'm scared of the spouse shouting, then I would be gentle but firm. People can feel our energy. If she is still slow at getting ready, and then my spouse starts shouting, then that's also a learning opportunity. I could calmly ask my spouse to be a bit more gentle and patient.   Later, at an appropriate time, I could have a conversation with my daughter. I would ask her why she is so slow. Is it because she's tired? Or she doesn't want to go school? Or just lazy? Based on her reason, we can then think of a solution. This way, she feels that we are trying to help her, not blame her.   I would also ask her to reflect on how her behavior made others feel. How did it make your parents feel? Do you want your mom and dad to feel anxious or angry? Is that a nice way to treat your parents? Given that it's not nice, how could you do better next time? Let's make a plan.   If mom and dad often get impatient, then mom and dad need to improve too. We can have a contest. You work on being faster in the morning, and if you are on time, then you get a star. If you are slow, then it's our challenge to remain calm and patient towards you. If we can do that, then we get a star. Let's do a competition and see who can get to 10 stars first. We can exchange 10 stars for a treat of our choice.   Anyway, that's just an idea. There's no one correct answer. As long as our intentions are proper, the results will naturally align themselves."   She replied, "Wow I never thought of it that way. OK, I guess my next step is to work on correcting myself, and then my daughter and students will naturally improve too."   I said, "Yes, I'm exactly the same. Honestly, it's easy to give advice to someone else. It's a completely different challenge to actually do it ourselves. I feel like I nag too much too. I don't spend enough time calmly following up with students after matters happen to turn problems into lessons, and I often blame students too. We're all on a journey of self-improvement, so let's support each other along the way!" Weekly Wisdom #371

" This helps to build a good relationship between them.

I'm teaching etiquette to middle school children this year, and in class, I reminded students that it's rude to interrupt others when they are talking, and that they should instead raise their hand and wait until the speaker is done talking and invites them to speak. I also told them that etiquette is very reasonable, and that if they ever feel like any rule of etiquette is unreasonable, we can discuss it. Image Source: Unsplash  One student asked, "You said it's impolite to interrupt others, but pretty much everyone does it, so is it really that impolite?"   Another student said, "Also, sometimes I have something important to say on the topic that just came up, and if I wait until later, I'm afraid I'll forget. Even if I don't forget, if I say it later, the feeling and impact won't be the same."   I first said, "I really like how you guys are thinking critically about etiquette and asking these questions. It will help us gain a deeper understanding of etiquette, which will then help us absorb its spirit and practice it better."   To the first student, I said, "Nowadays, people don't really learn etiquette growing up. We learn the basics like saying please and thank you, but it's really quite limited and shallow. Etiquette is a deep and broad subject, and most people don't understand much about etiquette, so impolite behavior is quite common. But just because it's common doesn't mean it's good or polite. If we want the world to become more polite, we have to start with ourselves.   Perhaps some people might think being interrupted is not that big of a deal, but what about most people? What about the typical person? If you pulled some random people off the street and asked them, 'Do you like being interrupted?', most people would probably say no. Even for yourself, perhaps you understand why others might interrupt you so you don't get upset at them, but wouldn't you still prefer it if others didn't interrupt you?"   That student nodded in agreement.   To the second student, I said, "I totally understand that feeling of wanting to say something now because we're afraid we'll forget later, and that the feeling would be different if we don't say it now. But that's just one side of the situation. Every situation has many perspectives and factors to consider. What other factors can you guys think of?"   We then discussed it as a class, and we thought of six more factors aside from our own perspectives.   1: The Other Person's Perspective Aside from our own perspective, the other most obvious factor is the other person's perspective. If they get interrupted, would they be happy towards us? If we interrupt them and it's truly beneficial to them, and they would agree that it's best that we interrupted them sooner rather than wait, then maybe it's a good idea to interrupt them. Otherwise, it's probably better if we wait for them to finish speaking first.   2: Our Goal We should always consider what our goal is when doing anything. If we have something important to say, our goal is for them to truly listen to us, right? The thing is, if they are in the middle of talking, and then we interrupt them, would they be able to suddenly shift their full attention to listen to us? Or would they be thinking, "I want to finish what I was saying!"   If we say our idea, but they're not ready to listen, then they might resist the idea simply because they feel annoyed at being interrupted. Wouldn't that be such a waste of a good idea? There's a reason why restaurants present their food so nicely. If they made a really nice meal with fine ingredients, but the presentation looks bad, people will think it's a cheap meal. Similarly, if our idea is really important, we should set up the perfect moment to present the idea to maximize its chances of being accepted.   3: Karma Karma is in everything. What goes around comes around. If we interrupt others, then others will interrupt us back. They'll think, "You interrupted me before, so it's only fair that I can also interrupt you back." If we interrupt them to tell them something that we think is important, then they might also interrupt us back because they think they have something important to say. Wouldn't that be frustrating to everyone?   4: Self-Cultivation From the perspective of self-cultivation, one of the first and foundational virtues to cultivate is patience. This is especially true in modern urban life, where everything is about speed and getting what we want right now . As a result, impatience is becoming ever more widespread. If we feel like our chest is tightening because we want to say something now , then this is precisely a moment for us to cultivate patience. Chances are, nothing tragic is going to happen if we don't interrupt, so we can wait.   5: Information Completeness Sometimes, we are listening to others, and we suddenly have an idea that we want to share. But perhaps the other person isn't finished explaining the situation yet. Our idea is based on the information they've shared thus far, but there's still more to come. If we wait for them to finish talking first, our idea might change.   If we want to give a good suggestion, then we should first make sure we have all the necessary information, and also make them feel fully understood. In that case, we would patiently listen to them speak everything on their mind, summarize their main points to check our understanding, and then ask if we can give our thoughts for their consideration.   If we instead impulsively interrupt and share our suggestion based on an incomplete understanding of their situation, then they would not only be annoyed at us, but also lose trust in us.   6: Memory From the perspective of memory, if it's truly important, would we really forget? If we forget, chances are, it doesn't have big, painful consequences. In other words, we shouldn't overestimate the importance of our ideas.   There have been times where someone said to me, "I've been meaning to tell you this for a long time, but every time I always forget." I don't remember any of these things being super critical. However, it's certainly preferable that we remember these things, so I'll share a method to help.   For example, let's say I'm listening to my principal talk about yesterday's assembly, and I suddenly had a thought, "I need to suggest to the principal that next time, the school shouldn't let Bob and Jack sit together because they talk too much and disturb others."  I don't interrupt because I am polite, but I also don't want to forget this thought. What can I do?   One method is to make an exaggerated image in my head. I would imagine Bob and Jack with very big heads talking to each other, with spit coming out of their mouth. As soon as I have this image, I can be confident that I probably won't forget. Then I focus on listening to the principal and wait until he's finished to bring up my idea.   (On a related note, when giving suggestions, I shouldn't be too definite or certain that my suggestion is good. Every situation is infinitely complex and always changing, so we should use words like "maybe", "might", "perhaps",  and "for your consideration" .)   Conclusion Interrupting others seems like a small and insignificant thing, but from our class discussion, I realized how deep and broad its implications can be. A big thanks to the students for the questions and discussion! If you have other perspectives that we missed, feel free to comment below.   Bad habits are hard to change, and I still interrupt people too, but when we understand the significance of our bad habit, we'll have more motivation to change. As long as we have motivation, we'll persist. As long as we persist, we'll definitely improve. Weekly Wisdom #361

Image Source: Unsplash 1: Words of Affirmation Did you know that good relationships typically have a And excellent relationships have a 20:1 compliment to criticism ratio! wrong, they're all over you. " This complaint is not just true for the workplace, but also for personal relationships 3: Quality Time When it comes to relationships, it's not how much time we spend with others that matters

It's Thanksgiving tomorrow in Canada, so this article will be about the topic of giving thanks. Image Source: Unsplash During the summer at my school, we had a two week summer camp. One of my camp students made cookies for all the teachers. Or to be more accurate, he made cookies at home, and then his mom suggested that he give some cookies to the teachers. He was a bit reluctant at first because he felt like the cookies would become cold and hard by the time the teachers ate them the next day, but his mom assured him that it's fine, that it's the thought that matters most, and that the cookies will still be delicious.   The next day, this student gave some of the cookies to some teachers that he saw. His mother is also a volunteer helper at our summer camp, so during break, she shared the cookies with other teachers in the staff room. Image Source: Unsplash  When I ate one, I told her, "Oh these cookies are really good!"  She then explained to me how her son was worried that it would become cold and hard and wouldn't taste as good. I said, "Oh he is so thoughtful! But the cookies are indeed still delicious."   A few days later, I heard the mother say to her son, "Why don't you bake some more cookies for the teachers?"  He said, "No,"  and walked away. I was quite surprised. His mother then explained to me, "He doesn't think anyone liked his cookies because no one came up to him later to tell him that his cookies were delicious or that they really appreciated the cookies."   When I heard this, I felt surprised at first, but as I thought about it some more, it made sense. I'm sure when he gave cookies personally to some teachers, they said "Thank you" . The problem is, this "Thank you"  is rather scripted and expected, so it doesn't hold much sincerity and weight. As a result, the student didn't feel assured that the teachers truly appreciated his cookies.   Moreover, although we liked the cookies, none of us thought to go up to him afterwards to tell him that we really liked the cookies. A key word is "afterwards". Again, if we eat the cookie right when he gives it to us, and we say, "Oh this tastes good!" , it's rather scripted; after all, what else would anyone say? No one would be impolite and say it doesn't taste good, so he can't be sure that we truly liked the cookies.   From this experience, I learned that if we truly want others to feel appreciated for giving us something, we should wait until afterwards to give them a very specific thank-you message. If I could go back in time, I would go up to that student after school and tell him, "Thank you for the cookies! I really like how soft they were, and the sweetness was just the right amount." This kind of specific praise after the event conveys true sincerity and appreciation.   I also admire how this student didn't just take it for granted that others should like his cookies, but instead observed everyone's response afterwards to confirm. If nobody went up to him afterwards to tell him how much they liked it, then it probably means that they only liked the cookies a little bit, or perhaps they took the cookies out of politeness, but they didn't really want the cookies. In this case, it's probably not worth it to spend the time to make another batch.   On a related note, I once heard someone say that if a person brings you a gift unexpectedly, don't look for a return gift right away. Wait until later to visit them and bring a gift. It left a deep impression on me because on my street, many people plant a vegetable garden, including my mother. Sometimes, neighbors will bring vegetables to us, and we would often immediately find some vegetables to give back to them from our backyard.   Image Source: Unsplash Now, I'm not saying this is wrong. It's good and natural for us to give something back from our own garden. It's certainly more polite than not giving anything in return. But perhaps an even higher level of etiquette would be to give them a sincere "thank you" with a smile, and then bring our vegetables to their house on a future day, and praise the vegetables that they gave us earlier.   If we look for something to give back to them right away, it almost feels like we don't want to "owe" them a gift, so we want to give them back something as soon as possible. At the core, this is self-centeredness, whereas the core of etiquette is others-centeredness. If we are focused on others' feelings, then we'd happily receive their gift because that's what would make them happy. Then we wait until later to give a return gift and give a specific praise about the past gift they gave us; in this way, they would know for sure that we truly appreciated and liked the gift.   Conclusion When someone does something nice for us, go beyond the scripted "thank-you" to express our appreciation, especially if we'd like them to do more of it. As the giver, don't take it for granted that others should like our gift; be sure to observe their response afterwards. Weekly Wisdom #363

Last week, we looked at a story of how Yanzi made his ruler look good . Yanzi has such high cultivation, and history has recorded many of his stories, so I can't help but want to study him more. This week, we'll look at how Yanzi was able to graciously refuse his ruler. Saying no is an important ability because we can't say yes to everything, but saying no in a way that doesn't create awkwardness or conflict is a tough thing, and we can learn from Yanzi.   Once, Yanzi was having his meal when an envoy sent by his ruler, Duke Jing of the State of Qi arrived. Yanzi immediately rose to greet him and invited him to join the meal. Yanzi divided his own food in half to share with the envoy. As a result, neither the envoy nor Yanzi ate to satisfaction.   When the envoy returned, he reported this matter to Duke Jing. Image Source: ChaptGPT The Duke was astonished and sighed: “I never imagined that my own chancellor lives in such poverty. This is my failure as a ruler!”   At once, Duke Jing sent to Yanzi one thousand taels of gold, along with tax revenues collected from the marketplace, so that Yanzi could use them to receive and entertain guests.   (Pause! If you were Yanzi, what would you do? Would you accept the Duke's gifts?)   However, Yanzi firmly refused. The Duke persisted and sent gifts three times, but Yanzi rejected them each time.   When the Duke asked why, Yanzi explained: “I am not poor. With Your Grace’s salary, I already receive blessings enough to support my family, entertain friends, and even help the poor. What you provide me is already more than sufficient.   Moreover, I have heard this: If a minister accepts the ruler’s wealth and then gives it to the people, that is stealing the ruler’s kindness to win the people’s favor. A faithful minister would never do this. If a minister accepts the ruler’s wealth but does not share it with the people, that is hoarding the ruler’s kindness for private gain. A man of righteousness would never do this. If a minister relies on pleasing the ruler to rise in rank, only to be demoted for offending the scholars, and dies leaving his wealth to be seized by others—that is merely guarding treasure for someone else. A wise man would never do this.   At home, I already have enough cloth and grain for daily use. Why would I need to accept so much extra compensation?”   Duke Jing then asked: “But in the past, our former lord Duke Huan granted his minister Guan Zhong five hundred households of land, and Guan Zhong accepted it without refusal. Why then do you decline my gifts again and again?”   (Note: Guan Zhong is a famous and respected minister in history who helped Duke Huan conquer other states and rise to great power)   (Pause! If you were Yanzi, how would you respond?)   Yanzi bowed respectfully and replied: “I have heard: even the wise, when they ponder a thousand times, may sometimes be mistaken; and even the foolish, when they ponder a thousand times, may sometimes be correct. I think that though Guan Zhong was a wise man, there were times when his judgment was not perfect. And though I am dull, perhaps there are times when I can be correct. Perhaps when Guan Zhong accepted such gifts, it was one of his rare errors; and when I refuse them, it may be one of my rare moments of right. That is why I repeatedly decline, and dare not accept.”   Image Source: ChatGPT Hearing this, Duke Jing nodded in understanding. ( Story Source )   Commentary When I first heard this story, the first question that came to my mind was, "If Yanzi has enough wealth, then why didn't he give the envoy more food so that the envoy wouldn't think he's poor and report it to the Duke?"   I'm not Yanzi, so I can't know for sure, but knowing Yanzi to be the sage that he is, I'm sure he has good reasons. My guess is that he wanted to show a frugal example to the envoy. After all, Yanzi holds a very high leadership position in the country, so his role modeling has a wide influence.   If Yanzi lives extravagantly, the people below him would have an excuse to do the same, which means the government would be wasting tax dollars, and the citizens would become unhappy. If Yanzi lives conservatively, then when other people of lower rank hear of the news, they would feel ashamed if they live extravagantly. It's also possible that he wanted to indirectly hint at the Duke to live more conservatively.   Another factor is that the envoy came without prior notice. If Yanzi knew that the envoy was coming, he probably would've prepared enough food for both of them. Since the envoy arrived while he was in the middle of eating his meal, all he could do was invite the envoy to share his meal. If he didn't invite the envoy to stay for the meal, it would be rude. But if he invited the envoy to stay and wait while he prepared more food, that might take too much time, and perhaps the envoy didn't want to trouble Yanzi or stay so long.   Also, the envoy might not have had the intention to say that Yanzi is too poor, he might've just made an off-hand remark to the Duke, but the Duke interpreted his words as "Yanzi is too poor" . Thus, we can see the difficulty of communication and why miscommunication is common.   The First Pause In the first pause, when the Duke sent all those gifts and extra compensation to Yanzi, if I were in Yanzi's shoes, I would feel very grateful to have a ruler that cares so much for me, and of course, I need to do my duty to support him in governing the country and making the people happy. Therefore, I need to set a frugal example, hence why I would refuse the gifts.   But Yanzi's considerations were even more thorough. He explained three situations that may occur if he accepts the money, which would lead to him being either unfaithful, unrighteous, or unwise. I don't know if Yanzi had this intention, but it was a very opportunistic educational moment to help the Duke learn these three standards and use them to judge all his ministers. When the Duke heard Yanzi's response, he could see that Yanzi wasn't being selfish or trying to maintain a "pristine image", but that Yanzi was truly thinking for the benefit of the Duke and the whole country.   The Second Pause In the second pause, when Duke Jing still insisted on giving the gifts, and even brought up a past hero, Guan Zhong, as an example, I was at a loss for how to respond to the Duke. If I say "Guan Zhong has many good points, but perhaps extravagance was one of his not-so-good points,"  it seems like I'm arrogant for criticizing a hero like Guan Zhong, and that might create opposition with those that admire him. Also, the fact that Duke Jing would bring up Guan Zhong's example makes me think that he also believes it's fine for a ruler and high ministers to live a bit more extravagantly, which means I have a duty to help him correct that improper view. But the big question is, how?   Yanzi's response was very admirable. He affirmed that Guan Zhong was a wise man, and he lowered himself by saying that he's a dull person, and that this is a rare instance where the wise man might be wrong and the dull person might be right. In this way, no one would slander Yanzi for being arrogant and thinking he's better than Guan Zhong, and no one would oppose Yanzi or feel pressured to live more frugally because Yanzi said he's a dull person.   Moreover, Duke Huan isn't trying to force Yanzi to accept his gifts. He wants Yanzi to accept it willingly. But hearing Yanzi's words, his innate conscience knew that Yanzi is morally right, and so he'd naturally yield, and he'd probably try to be a bit more frugal in his life too.   I think Yanzi's tactic here is one that we can all use in our lives if someone insists on something and brings up a respected person as an example. If we know it's not appropriate for us, we can say, "There's no doubt that they are wise and admirable, and I am dull, but there's a saying that even the wise, when they ponder a thousand times, might still be mistaken sometimes, and even the dull, when they ponder a thousand times, might be correct sometimes."   Reflecting on myself, recently, I was invited to do volunteer teaching on Sundays. I replied, "I appreciate the offer, but I'm currently too busy."  Looking back, I could've replied more humbly by saying, "I really appreciate the offer and your trust in me, and I truly respect the organization and all the volunteer teachers. I think the work you do is very important and meaningful. Unfortunately, I lack the ability to handle all my current responsibilities well, so I'm really not eligible to think about taking on new responsibilities. But if in the future, I have all my responsibilities under control, and you still want me as a volunteer teacher, I'd be happy to join."   Conclusion We will all encounter situations where others urge us to do something, but we feel it's not appropriate for us. When this happens, can we decline their good intentions graciously? From Yanzi's example, we can see that selflessness (having other people's best intentions in mind) and humility are two keys to a gracious decline. Weekly Wisdom #358

For example, what’s the relationship like between the high level leader and the middle manager? I then asked my mentor, “So what if the asker further replied, ‘The top leader doesn’t have a close relationship