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As many of you know, I'm been working on the virtue of humility for a while. After all, no one likes an arrogant person, and an arrogant person makes lots of enemies. On the other hand, we all like humble people and prefer to help a humble person. Before, I always thought of arrogant people as those who are full of themselves, look down on others, and say mean things about people. Recently, I learned that being too sure of yourself can also appear arrogant. As a person who always emphasizes logic, this can be a problem for me. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 A Cautionary Story A few months ago, an English teacher asked me to observe his English class and give some feedback. When I observed his class, I noticed many problems. I realized he had not received professional training on teaching English as a second language like I did, and that he must have been making all these mistakes for the past year without even knowing it. When I gave him constructive criticism, he was quite resistant and argued that my advice might not be applicable to his class. Being a very logic-driven person, I then argued that these points aren't even my advice, these are industry best practices that come from veteran English teachers who have decades of experience, and I learned them from my supervisors during my years working as an English teacher in China. He was still unconvinced and asked me to demonstrate these advice by teaching his class a couple of times. After I demonstrated two lessons, we chatted again, and he was more convinced than before, but he still doubted whether or not he could do it. However, he was humble in that he tried to make changes and asked me for further guidance. In the next few weeks, he started to understand the industry best practices more, and he improved a lot. His students also gave him great feedback, and he grew more confident in his abilities. Later, I was talking to a friend, who also happened to be that teacher's brother. We chatted about my experience advising his brother, and he told me, " While it is true that my brother might have a sensitive ego, you cannot neglect the fact that you were a bit arrogant in this matter. " I was kind of surprised and asked him to explain. He said, " My brother told me that the feeling you gave him was that you are definitely and obviously right, and that what he has been doing is very wrong. Of course, I know that you probably didn't intend to make him feel dumb, but when you sound so sure that you are right, you imply that others are dumb for not agreeing with you. " I said, " OK…So, what am I supposed to do then? Downplay my advice as not being right for sure? But I want him to take the advice seriously and not keep making those mistakes, which is bad for him and his students. Besides, the advice isn't even my advice. It's industry best practices that I learned from veteran teachers. I wasn't trying to make it seem like I'm a know-it-all, I was just trying to teach him basics that any English teacher would learn if we got professional training. " My friend replied, " OK, think about it this way. Are industry best practices fixed in stone? Were the industry best practices 100 years ago the same as today? Do you think they'll be the same 100 years from now? So even if you say this is not your advice, that it's the industry best practices, you still should not be so overly-confident. You can be more humble in presenting the advice by saying, ' This is just the best advice that I have to offer, but it may not be the best. You can consider it if you like. ' Besides, a humble person never tries to be above others, but rather tries to help others rise above them. If your intention was truly to help my brother as opposed to ' teaching ' him, then you would be more sensitive and soft in your manner of giving advice. " My friend added an analogy, " You know when someone buys a product, and they think it's the best thing in the world? Then they tell you, ' This is the best thing in the world! You gotta buy it too! ' How would you feel? We kind of feel like, ' Woah there. Calm down. Back off. ' Right? So when we give others advice, we should be humble and not so forceful. " I understood his point and said, " I get it now. Don't be so forceful and overly confident that my advice is definitely great. Otherwise, others might feel like I'm arrogant or pushy. If I truly want the best for others, I would be more considerate and deliver my advice in a softer, humbler way that they could more easily accept. At the very least, their ego wouldn't feel attacked. And if I am truly humble, I wouldn't demand them to follow my advice, because I wouldn't think my advice is the best thing in the world anyway. They know their situation best, so they have the right to choose whether or not my advice is applicable to them. " An Exemplary Story Aside from that experience, I also met a great role model who demonstrated this exact point of being humble when giving advice. As many of you know, I'm really into Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) because it's simple, mostly free, and convenient to do at home. Recently, I had the honor of meeting the doctor that I first started learning TCM from online. She was delighted to know that I love learning about TCM and that I benefited a lot from practicing her teachings at home. I asked her for some guidance regarding my mother's health situation. I first reported my thoughts based on what I've learned from her lectures and a TCM textbook that I've been reading, then I asked her for advice. She gave me some advice, but she ended by saying, " These are just some thoughts for you to consider. " I was quite surprised, and I wondered if she thinks I'm really knowledgeable on TCM or something, so she didn't want to be too firm in her advice? I asked her, " You're the obvious expert on this subject, I'm just a newbie, of course I will listen to your advice. Why did you say it's just some thoughts for me to consider? " She replied, " Oh, that's because compared to the ancient TCM doctors, I am far far behind them. I wouldn't want to sound too confident in my advice, as if it were that great. Moreover, TCM is very deep and complex, so we cannot be so sure of ourselves. " From her response, I reflected deeper on why we shouldn't sound so confident when we give others advice. Indeed, we are far behind the true experts in the world. Moreover, the more we learn about a topic, the more we realize how much we don't know. Thus, a true expert wouldn't sound so confident and sure of themselves, as if they are definitely right. Further Reflections As I reflect more on this topic, I have further realizations. First, the person asking about a problem might not understand their problem clearly. In that case, the advice you give wouldn't be helpful because they didn't even understand their problem to begin with. If you sound too confident, then they might blame you for giving bad advice. For example, a teacher asked me how to help his students remember grammar rules. If I didn't know any better, I might give some advice for teaching grammar, but the result wouldn't be great because people simply cannot remember grammar rules that fast. Fortunately, I knew better, so I told him, " The important thing is to adjust your expectations towards the students and to be more patient. They need more time and review to remember grammar rules. " But when others ask me a question, how can I know for sure that I see the root of their problem? Thus, I can't be so sure of myself when giving advice. Second, the person listening to your advice might not fully understand your advice. If you sound too cocky when giving the advice, they might not want to ask their points of confusion in fear of seeming dumb for not understanding you the first time. When they follow their misunderstanding of your advice and get bad results, they blame you for giving bad advice. Third, there really is no one-size-fits-all solution. Just because something worked for me doesn't mean it will work for others. Principles are always true, but methods vary from situation to situation. For example, a principle of teaching is to help students gain confidence. But the method of doing that can vary from teacher to teacher, and there is no one right way to do it. Fourth, even this "rule" of not being so confident in your speech is not an absolute rule that should be applied to every situation. I've reflected that it is most important when the trust level is not high yet. In the examples mentioned prior, I wasn't too familiar with that English teacher, so I shouldn't sound so confident when giving him advice. That TCM Doctor isn't too familiar with me or my mother's situation, so she can't be too sure that her advice is suitable. But my friend who told me that I was being arrogant was very firm in his advice because he knows me well, and he knows I trust him. I remember when I first met my mentor and asked for advice, he was very humble and soft when giving advice. Now that he knows me well, he is much more direct and firm when giving me advice. Conclusion There's a Chinese saying that goes, "Arrogance brings harm. Humility brings benefit." Arrogance is not merely just looking down on others or saying mean things about others. Being too sure of ourselves or being too forceful in our advice can also be a form of arrogance. To prevent this problem, we can remember There are many experts who can give far better advice than us. Everyone's situation is complicated, and I probably don't know the ins and outs of their situation, and they might not either. Just because something worked for me doesn't mean it will work for someone else. The deeper our understanding of something, the more we realize we don't know. If I truly want them to succeed, I would be more encouraging and warm rather than judgmental towards their problems. In the future, when giving advice to someone with whom the trust level is not high yet, I will say, " These are just some of my thoughts for you to consider. You know your situation best, so you can decide whether or not it's useful for you. " Weekly Wisdom #249

broad subject, and most people don't understand much about etiquette, so impolite behavior is quite common But just because it's common doesn't mean it's good or polite.

Communication is one. Mediation is another."   I've received from my mentors: Try to get them to communicate face-to-face calmly and respectfully. The key, of course, is that they communicate calmly and respectfully. If one side is unwilling to communicate, then the problem becomes very hard to solve. I helped to communicate both views.

Did they communicate about this kind of matter previously? Instead, he tried to help her understand the other people’s perspectives so that she could communicate

Recently I was talking to a friend who was having some difficulty getting her mom to listen to her. When I listened to her story, I had a thought: "One of the major differences between cultivators and non-cultivators is that cultivators see beyond the level of the matter and into the level of psychology."   By "cultivators", I mean people who cultivate their character and virtues, such as wisdom, kindness, humility, etc. By "psychology", I mean the way people think, their thoughts, and their intentions.   Icon Sources: 1 , 2 In interpersonal conflicts, a lot of people get stuck at the level of the matter. For example, my friend's mother was overworked and biting off more than she could chew. She was working a lot, taking care of elderly parents, and moving houses. My friend wants to help her mother with the moving, but she's studying abroad, so she urged her mother to hire a moving company to make things easier, but her mother refused. This is the matter.   But we have to go beyond the matter and really understand why they are so stubborn about their view. In order to understand others, we have to stop opposing them and judging them, and instead believe that they must have a legitimate reason for believing that they believe. After all, no one purposely tries to be stupid or illogical, so we mustn't judge others to be that way.   At the same time, sometimes people aren't fully aware of why they are so insistent on something, so they cannot articulate themselves clearly. We also have to be understanding here rather than judgmental or demanding. People need time to work out their thoughts, and we can use our own observation abilities to make educated guesses.   So back to my friend and her mom. I asked my friend, "Why do you think your mother is so stubborn about doing everything herself and not hiring a moving company?"   She replied, "I think it's because it's like a taboo in my family to ask for help, so my mom wants to be superwoman and do everything herself, and she doesn't want to show weakness."   I said,  "It's great that you can understand your mother's psychology! Indeed, pretty much everyone has an ego, and the ego wants to look good and capable in front of others. Now that you are aware of her psychology and intention here, you're still going to urge her to hire a moving company, but how might you frame your request differently?"   She thought for a moment and replied, "Maybe I could say that my friend is starting a moving company, and it would be very helpful if she could support my friend's business and be one of their early customers? But it's kind of hard because I don't actually know a friend who's starting a moving business."   I said, "You're going in the right direction! We call this tact. When you truly have the best intentions for someone, and your mind is very peaceful and calm, you'll eventually think of a genius idea. Maybe it's when you're in the shower, or when you first wake up, or after meditation. Tact is key to helping others.   There isn't one correct answer here, but I'll offer one idea. Basically, instead of making it seem like you are helping them, make it seem like they are helping you. It's the nature of the ego to like to be the 'hero' or 'the good guy' and to dislike being 'the one who needs help.'   You could say to your mom, 'I feel really guilty that I can't be there to help you move in this hectic time. I know you can probably handle it, but can you please let me contribute a little bit by hiring a moving company for the family? It'll make me feel a lot better and help me concentrate on my studies."   My friend replied, "Oh I think my mother would be much more willing to take my advice if I framed it that way!"   My friend also talked about how she's worried about the health of many family members, including their diet, lack of exercise, and overconfidence in western medicine. Again, we need to look beyond the level of the matter and into the level of psychology.   Firstly, we have to correct our own intentions. We mustn't have an attitude of opposition, as if we need to "win this debate" or that "they are wrong and I am right". Instead, we should hold intentions of care, respect, and patience. We are advising them because we care about them, but at the same time, we respect their authority over their own lives, and we can patiently advise them over a long-period of time. After all, change requires time. Usually, people don't change after one conversation (unless you threaten them, in which case the change won't last long). It takes consistent care over a long period of time to inspire others to change.   Next, we can try to understand their psychology by putting ourselves in their shoes. Under what conditions would we reject or accept other people's advice? If we think they understand us and know what they're talking about, we'll probably listen to them. So building trust is key.   In order to build trust, we have to let others feel understood, and our own attitude is the root of the problem. If we oppose them, there's no way they'll feel understood. We'll say things like "You have problems with your diet and lifestyle,"  and then they'll get defensive and say, "Who are you to judge my life? Mind your own business."   To correct our own attitude, we have to remember that everyone is doing what they think is right, or if they know it's not right, they can't help it. For example, people eat what they think is healthy, and if they eat something that they know is unhealthy, it's because they think it's a reasonable amount, or because they can't control their cravings. Regardless, we should be understanding rather than judgmental. With this kind of attitude, we might say, " I know you try hard to take care of your health, and it's really difficult to always make the best choices given your busy schedule and food options."   As for the actual health and lifestyle advice, it's better if it comes from a credible expert and if we've tried this advice and got good results. We might say, "My doctor recommended me to watch this health documentary, and I was wondering if you'd like to watch it with me? No pressure though."  Or "I'm feeling great recently, and I think it's because I followed some health advice from XYZ book/expert. I wish I had known this earlier!"  There isn't one correct method or thing to say, and as long as we sincerely care for them and have a correct attitude, we'll definitely find a way.   Conclusion What is a matter that you've been caught up in? How can you see beyond the matter? Weekly Wisdom #350

If you encounter difficulties, communicate with me promptly and we can solve it together."  

Complaining is a common bad habit that nearly everyone has, so we need to be tolerant and patient towards In order for communication to flow smoothly, we need to hold the intention of respect and consideration

Bad criticism is viewed as venting annoyance, and unfortunately is common.

Recently, I encountered a somewhat awkward situation. I'm currently attending a 1-month workshop at a school, and participants live on campus. I have two roommates: a teacher and a fellow classmate. One time, my classmate and I went back to our room. When we entered, we noticed the room was quite smelly. My roommate quickly found the source of the odor: my teacher's towel hanging in the room. Icon Sources: 1 , 2 , 3 He said, "I think we should wash that towel for our teacher."   I said, "Hang on. I think you should get his permission first before touching his stuff."   He said, "The towel is very stinky. I think he'd be quite embarrassed if we said, 'Hi teacher, your towel is a bit smelly. Is it OK if I wash it for you?' "   I said, "But if you don't ask him, then he'll come back and wonder where his towel went. Then if you tell him, 'Oh your towel was stinky, so I washed it,'  he'll still be embarrassed, and he might feel disrespected because you didn't get his permission before touching his stuff."   My roommate said, "All right, let's go ask him then."   We checked with our teacher, and he said it's fine for us to wash it.   Later, I asked our teacher if there's a better way to handle the situation than what we did. Before I share what my teacher said, why don't you take a moment to think about it? What would you do if you were in that situation?   My teacher said, "It's good that you can put yourself in the other person's shoes and realize they might feel embarrassed by your words. To go a step further, you need to think of a way to get rid of or reduce that embarrassment. If I were you, I would just let that person come into the room and notice that smell himself. Then when he says, 'What's that smell?', I wouldn't say, 'It's your towel.' I would pretend like I don't know, and I'd let him find out the source himself. Then he'd go wash the towel himself."   I realized that my teacher's method reduces the amount of embarrassment since it seems like we didn't really notice the smell and weren't too bothered by it. From his reply, I can tell that he is highly proficient in empathy and interpersonal skills, and this comes from years of practice and accumulation. I still have long ways to go, and this was a great learning experience for me. Weekly Wisdom #301

You have to communicate calmly with me what you need."

might be because of trouble at home, and also because no one taught them how to manage emotions or communicate

When Einstein was 16 years old, he often skipped school and played with a group of troublemaker friends. As a result, he failed many classes. One weekend morning, Einstein was about to go fishing with his friends, but his father stopped him. His father calmly said to him, “Einstein, you’re out playing all day with your friends, and you’re failing school. Your mother and I are quite concerned for your future.”   Einstein replied, “What’s there to worry about? Jack and Robert are also failing school, and they’re still going fishing.”   His father looked at him with love and concern and said, “Son, you can’t think that way. Let me tell you a well-known fable from my hometown. I hope you’ll listen carefully." Image Source: Wix AI His father then told this fable: Two cats were playing on the roof of a house. One cat grabbed the other cat and they both accidentally fell into the chimney. When they crawled out, one cat’s face was covered in ashes, while the other cat’s face was clean. The clean cat saw the other cat’s face was all black, and he thought his face was the same, so he rushed to the river to clean himself. The dirty cat saw the other cat was clean, and he thought he was also clean, so he went on with his day and strutted along the street. Image Source: ChatGPT Einstein, no one can be your mirror, only you can be your mirror. If we take others to be our mirror, then perhaps a genius will think he’s a fool.” After hearing this story, Einstein felt ashamed, put down his fishing rod, and returned to his room. From then on, Einstein often reflected on himself and encouraged himself: “I don’t want to be like ordinary people. I can be extraordinary.” This is one reason why Einstein became the legend that he is. Commentary Jim Rohn said, “You are the average of the five people you spend most time with.” In other words, we should be very thoughtful and selective about who we spend our time with because we will inevitably get influenced by them. Einstein’s dad knew this, so he admonished his son to rethink his peer group. Although his dad said “no one can be your mirror” , we have to be careful about how to interpret this statement. The way I interpret it, it is not saying that the people we spend time with don’t reflect the type of person we are. On the contrary, the people we spend time with are a great indicator of the type of person we are. As the saying goes, “Birds of a feather flock together.” When Einstein was young, he spent most of his time with troublemakers, and so he also became a troublemaker. When he stopped spending time with them and started taking his studies seriously, his future changed. So I interpret Einstein’s dad’s message to be “Don’t assume you are the same as the people around you. You don’t have to follow the herd. You can be extraordinary, but you have to consciously choose to be.” And so it is the same with each and every one of us. If we don’t want to blindly follow the herd, then we have to be clear on what we want. If we thoughtfully choose to follow the herd on certain matters, that’s fine too. The point is that we should live our lives consciously rather than drifting along mindlessly. Another learning from this story is Einstein’s dad’s effective admonishment. When others don’t do what we want them to do, a lot of people will nag, complain, and criticize. The energy we give is the energy we’ll attract back , and those behaviors will attract defensiveness and opposition from the other person. If the other person has lower power than us, such as our children or subordinate, then they have no choice but to obey. However, they are accumulating resentment in their heart, and if that continues, eventually they will lash back in the future. If the other person has the same level of power as us, such as our spouse or colleague, then they will feel disrespected, and they will argue with us because they are unhappy at our disrespect towards them. In this type of argument, the matters never end. It seems like you’re going around in circles, never able to solve the problem straight on. Or new matters keep coming up before old matters are resolved. These are all signs that the deeper problem is a lack of respect. As soon as one person can respect the other person first, by apologizing and acknowledging your own faults, the conflict can be resolved. Effective admonishment requires us to truly care for the other person’s feelings, to not be demanding or controlling, and to not be impatient for them to change. Einstein’s dad was very considerate towards Einstein, and I would guess he knew that teenagers (and all people in general) don’t like to be nagged at or told that they are wrong. That’s why he thought of a story to deliver his advice, and the advice is full of respect and positive energy. Einstein was touched by his dad’s love for him, and so he was inspired to change. Conclusion Who are you using as your mirror? Are you choosing your mirrors (influences) thoughtfully? When advising or requesting others to change, are you doing it with sincere care, or are you mixing in annoyance, impatience, and blame? Weekly Wisdom #333